The Wake Issue 6 Fall 2009

Tiger Woods

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R. T. Rybak

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Short Shorts / Weismann / and more finals issue fall 2009

NOW HIRING!

ALSO SEEKING: –Photos of Science Classroom Building –Poetry and Short Stories

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Editorial Editor-in-Chief Ali Jaafar

Mind’s Eye Editor John Oen

Managing Editor Sage Dahlen

Sound & Vision Editor Eric Brew

Cities Editor Trey Mewes

Humanities Editor Ross Hernandez

Voices Editor Matt Miranda

Bastard Nice ‘N Clean (Jonathan Knisely)

Well hey!

Production Manager Ben Alpert

Photography Editor Ben Lansky

Enjoying some tests and shit? I thought so. Me? Oh, I’m graduating now. You will no longer see my adorable face in this magazine. Sad, right? As a farewell, I have prepared a list of things I will miss about this magazine once I am gone.

Luckily, most of you will still be around to enjoy these wonderful Wake-isms.

And if you really love them, get involved and make some memories of your own.

Ready? Go:

Graphic Designers Ben Alpert, Tarin Gessert, Jonathan Knisely

Art Director Keit Osadchuk

Phallic mountains...scratch that, phallic everything

Distributors Ben Alpert, Maggie Foucault, Matt Miranda, John Oen, Pammy Ronnei

Copy Editors Katie Green, Brady Nyhus

Production

Gary Busey’s gleaming eyes Hot dogs The foam Wakey head (stolen, but not forgotten) Poll-a-roid

Business Business Manager Colleen Powers

This Issue Cover Artist Angela Frisk Illustrators Danielle Attinella, Meher Khan, Lucy Michell, Natalie Olbrantz, Angela Frisk Photographers Meredith Hart

Free Dinkytown parking Advisory Board James DeLong, Kevin Dunn, Courtney Lewis, Eric Price, Morgan Mae Schultz, Gary Schwitzer, Kay Steiger, Mark Wisser

Bacon beards The Wake office, disgusting carpet and all Awesome illustrations Mildred, our potted bamboo Steve Irwna Nicole

Contributing Writers Andrew Bergstrom, Eric Dolski, Adrienne Dorn, Maggie Foucault, Andrew Granger, Victoria Helbling, Patrick Hicks, Sofiya Hupalo, Jenny Juniper, Kaitlin Lange, Andrew Larkin, Patrick Larkin, Paul Leon, Liz Lorge, Joe Madsen, Zach McCormick, Tony Morimoto, Matt Noyes, Angie Sanders, Kevin Tully

Panda fight FUTURE LISA Working at 1am on a Saturday...oh, wait Picking locks Bizarro Editions Yanni The Bastard page!

8:6 ©2009 The Wake Student Magazine. All rights reserved.

Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student organization produced by and for the students of the University of Minnesota.

The Wake Student Magazine 1313 5th St. SE #331 Minneapolis, MN 55414

But most of all, I’ll miss the freedom. Where else, but The Wake, can I get away with this stuff? It’s been real, guys. Thanks.

Ben Alpert Production Manager

(612) 379-5952 • www.wakemag.org The Wake was founded by Chris Ruen and James DeLong.

The Wake is published with support from Campus Progress/Center for American Progress (online at www.campusprogress.org).

disclaimer The purpose of The Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions. Opinions expressed in the magazine are not representative of the publication or university as a whole. To join the conversation email aJAAFAR@wakemag.org.

voices

Obama’s War II: 30,000 Boots, A Timetable, and an Uphill Battle

by Matt Miranda On Dec. 1, President Obama announced he will commit an additional 30,000 American troops to the ongoing conflict in Afghanistan. This is a defining moment for President Obama; what it will define is in question. Will it be remembered as the moment when a losing battle was recovered and an enemy routed, or an escalated commitment to an ambiguous quagmire in a country that has sent every major foreign occupier packing in defeat? The battle ahead is formidable, but suicide bombers trained in camps in Afghanistan still kill people all over the world; it cannot be allowed to become another playground for Jihadis. It’s in the interest the U.S. as well as the international community at large to see this through.

This fresh wave of troops is Obama’s answer to requests for reinforcements from General Stanley McChrystal, commanding officer of the 68,000 U.S. and 39,000 NATO forces in Afghanistan. McChrystal believes these troops are absolutely necessary to accomplish the U.S.’s major objectives in Afghanistan, which are broadly to reverse Taliban influence across the country in the near-term and to insure the safety of Afghan civilians in the long run. Taliban forces have made major gains in influence and ability to operate since they were ousted in the initial invasion. Most combat forces will go to the southern Afghani provinces of Helmand and Kandahar, where the Taliban manufacture bombs to kill soldiers and drugs to fund their operations, and the region where the

threat is strongest. Notably, the president also set a timetable to begin drawing down troop levels, beginning in mid 2011.

“Troop surges” have become very popular with United States presidents these days. Obama’s decision will remind warweary Americans of George W. Bush’s own decision to throw ever-increasing numbers of troops at a problem war. Actual similarity, however, ends on the surface appearance and buzz-words. The fact that this decision has been debated within the Obama administration for months shows the desire to avoid seat-of-the-pants choices. From a militarystrategic standpoint, Obama’s approach shows a nuanced and studied understanding of the situation on the ground, a decision making processes that draws on many smart people, a recognition that military campaigns need specific objectives and timetables and, above all, that the exit-strategy and timetables for success need to be written BEFORE the boots hit the ground, not after they’ve been shredded by countless IEDs. The contrast against Bush’s gunslinger, devil-maycare, damn-the-torpedoes attitude is striking. I’m not a fan of Obama’s domestic policy, but he certainly grasps the details of foreign policy better than Dubya did.

Comparisons to Bush is likely part of the reason Obama is including an exit timetable. Americans are beginning to experience war-weariness, reflected in declining public approval of the war in public opinion polls. It’s uncertain how far the American public will tolerate continued involvement in Afghanistan, since American citizens are still feeling the effects of the economic crisis and are primarily concerned with domestic issues. The continued price tag of the war is a major issue for Americans who are increasingly concerned about the national debt and deficit.

The timetable serves another explicitly declared political purpose, equally as important; it sends a clear message to the government of Afghanistan that they won’t be able to count on U.S. support forever. With the timetable in place, Afghanistan’s president, Hamid Karzai, will have a real and tangible incentive to gain the confidence of the Afghani people and develop the capacity of Afghanistan’s security forces and public apparatus to effectively preserve law and order in the country. Obama made clear that the days of blank-check assistance are over, and the Afghani government will have to start pulling some of the weight. Ultimately, the Taliban can only be defeated if Afghani citizens feel that their own government is responsible and responsive to their basic infrastructural and security needs; needless to say, the Afghani government must be strong enough to maintain this credibility and capability after U.S. forces depart.

It is unclear, however, what the pullout date really means.

Logistically, military withdrawals occur in a staggered way, with non-essential and support personnel leaving first. It’s quite possible that there could still be a major U.S. presence in Afghanistan long after mid-2011 even if the timetable is met. Frankly, given the situation on the ground and the scope of the Taliban insurgency, this timetable may be overly optimistic, especially since reinforcement numbers are only in the middle of the 10,000 to 60,000 range McChrystal predicted would be needed. The problem is that the Taliban do not fight like an opposing military, whose supply lines can be cut, command structure disrupted, and fighting spirit broken in dramatic stand-up fights. The Taliban are like a hydra, lurking, hidden all throughout Afghanistan; they have many heads, and if you cut one off, two more grow in its place. Their doctrine, if it can be called that, is cell-style guerrilla warfare, the only proven way to repel a well-supplied, well equipped, and numerically superior foe. Ironically, the very mention of a withdrawal date may benefit the Taliban, who may simply think they can out-wait the U.S. forces.

To make matters worse, this hydra’s tentacles snake across the border into Pakistan. This little wrinkle waits in the wings to scramble the best laid plans. Increasingly, militant activity is centered in Pakistan, evidenced by the string of brazen, aggressive, and destructive attacks that have been perpetrated by Taliban forces there in the past month. Despite their largely successful military offensive in South Waziristan, Pakistani authorities continue to appear unable or unwilling to address the totality of the problem, and there is evidence that Al-Qaeda and the Taliban still have secret supporters within Pakistan’s powerful intelligence forces. Treating the fight against the Taliban as a war with a single front is absurd, and without dramatic improvements in the situation in Pakistan, Afghanistan will continue to be vulnerable.

Lucy Michell

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During his speech, Obama said, “America, we are passing through a time of great trial, and the message that we send in the midst of these storms must be clear: that our cause is just, our resolve unwavering.” He beseeched the American public to continue to support him, and eloquently declared that America will win in Afghanistan because “right will make might,” echoing the tone of civil rights leaders who spoke of victories assured by the righteousness of the cause. The truth is that even with those extra troops, it will still be a decidedly uphill battle with no ultimate assurance of victory. As Obama noted in his speech, we are becoming a war-weary nation.

We’re getting tired of fighting wars that don’t seem to have any direct implications for our safety here at home. I certainly hope Obama’s strategy will succeed quickly and effectively, and I will all-too-happily eat my hat when American troops parade through the streets after they return home in 2011, victorious. But the question lingers; what happens if May 2011 rolls around, and we haven’t won yet?

voices

KeiT Osadchuk

Tigers Delightful Misfortune

by Matt Noyes When I turned on the television and flipped over to CNN over the Thanksgiving weekend I, like many others, was shocked to learn of the driveway car accident that left Tiger Woods bruised, bloodied and caught in the middle of a media frenzy. After the initial shock of potentially losing one of the world’s greatest athletes subsided, the hazy details surrounding the incident eventually spun into a tempest with allegations of infidelity and a possible physical dispute with his wife, Elin Nordegren.

Instead of addressing the growing rumors immediately after the incident, Woods remained silent, only furthering wild speculation. By the time Woods released his brief and ambiguous public statement apologizing for what he simply labeled as “transgressions,” little could be done to clear the air as a string of alleged mistresses have come forward stating that Woods’ affairs may go back as far as 2007.

There will always be a supermarket tabloid plastered with the latest scandal meant to remind us that no one can escape judgment, though I would argue that we owe our celebrities a small thank you for being the punching bag of our own inadequacies

As the rumors continue to swirl throughout the media and Woods’ reputation as a family man and all around “good guy” goes through the proverbial meat-grinder of public opinion, I can’t help but wonder where this fascination with seeing the failure of such a highly respected public figure originates. Politics, Hollywood, professional sports, all these arenas have celebrities and scapegoats that we love and those we can’t help but love to hate. In the case of Tiger Woods, the public has always held him in the highest regard, a class act with unrivaled talent. But why does everyone seem so anxious to learn of his embarrassing fall from grace with unbridled enthusiasm?

It is nearly impossible to escape the bombardment of celebrity pop culture. After all, culture is literally the means in which we, as a society, perceive ourselves. Everywhere media and news coverage is saturated with headlines covering the lives of the famous and even more so, the infamous. There is a lot to learn by examining the celebrity phenomenon about how humans in a democratic society look at one another.

Many of the key principles of the society that we have created rely on an important understanding of human equality. The entity of the celebrity is interesting in this case; they often exemplify what we deem to be the most desired traits of human exceptionalism. The celebrity receives an elevated status in society, placed on a pedestal of public scrutiny beyond what would be considered just and fair for the average citizen. Instead of keeping with the principles of equality, this breeds an emotive juxtaposition where satisfaction is gained from seeing the failure of those we most revere. In the fields of sociology and psychology this phenomena is called “schadenfreude,” a term meant to describe pleasure found in

the misfortune of others. Perhaps it is in this inherent human characteristic where the seeds of pleasure in failure reside.

In light of the evidence that natural human emotions often override the institutions created in a democratic society, it becomes necessary to question the validity in how we judge celebrities. It is clear that a double standard exists. But with the higher standards are we really just living out a trend of self-gratification? As we continue to create heroes, we hold them up and see a little bit of ourselves, a part that we are proud of. We want to relish in the successes of those we look up to and hope to achieve some level of their success for ourselves. Unfortunately the things we idolize the most also remind us that we really aren’t as talented, exceptional, or special as we wish. As the natural jealousy begins to rise through our conscious, those who were loved so much become a center of disdain. These emotions are a push to a level of equality; we want to see the failures to remind us that everyone shares commonalities of the human experience.

For Tiger Woods and his contemporaries of the celebrity world, the ravenous public appetite for failure will never be satisfied. There will always be a supermarket tabloid plastered with the latest scandal meant to remind us that no one can escape judgment, though I would argue that we owe our celebrities a small thank you for being the punching bag of our own inadequacies. Without public figures at which to hurl our insecurities, society would be forced to turn on itself, to go internally where the real problems reside. So instead of casting the first stone, I will hurl my gratification to Tiger Woods as I owe him a free pass for allowing me to feel just a little bit better about myself at his expense.

www.wakemag.org

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cities

A Developmental Biologist’s Take on Evolution

by Sofiya Hupalo

and its importance in the evolution of anatomy and behavior.

The concept of changing trait functions over time during evolution is key to Myers’ research and his stance on the descent of the nervous system.

Myers showed that the central nervous system probably originated in the most primitive single-celled organisms over a billion years ago. The ability to respond to external environments by sensing surrounding signals is crucial for adaptation and functioning in any cell. Myers focused on three elemental features that gave rise to the nervous systems of modern vertebrates. The first is nerve cells’ ability to conduct electrical signaling. Since cells must constantly pump out water that enters them by osmosis, evolution brought about protein pumps to automatically regulate the movement. Now, ion pumps maintain this osmotic balance by gauging the charge difference between the inside and outside of a cell. Also, the flow rate of ions into or out of a neuron can be great enough to stimulate its neighbor and pass on this electric signal. Nerve cells communicate via these action potentials that are produced by voltage differences from the net flow of ions across cell membranes.

Natalie Olbrantz

On Thursday, Dec. 3 students and faculty members gathered in an expansive auditorium of the Molecular Cellular Biology building to listen in on PZ Myers’ talk about the evolution of the nervous system. It was a diverse audience – brought by the Campus Atheists, Skeptics and Humanists, and it was unclear as to the specific angle Myers would choose from the massive sea of evolution theories. The crowd did not provide any clues, either. Ranging from boy-faced undergrads and middle-aged enthusiasts to orange-haired hipsters, the audience proved to be a melting pot of biology those aching to learn about the origins of consciousness.

Aside from his position as assistant professor of biology position at the University of Minnesota-Morris, Myers is currently on sabbatical and working on a book. But in every other way, he is an exception to the ordinary lecturer. Further investigation in the Google search engine reveals his distinct character and pronounced activism. As a strong opponent of Individual Design, Myers debates very little but instead argues his points with evidence. In addition, he records his thoughts on his blog, Pharyngula. Although it is just one of the millions of science-guy blogs, Pharyngula seems to stand out – it receives 13,000 daily visits. Perhaps Myers’ bold state-

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ments about politicians and publicized debates with creationists up the site’s hits, but his attention-grabbing queries of biology can also explain his increasing popularity. As a man of many questions, he allots no limits for Pharyngula; it contains anything from videos of octopuses mating, comments on Afghanistan, and mockery of The Bible, to the politics of any scientific paradigm.

The intercellular signaling that ensues is thus the second element of the foundational nervous system. Nerve cells communicate by way of neurotransmitters, molecules that are secreted by one cell and recognized by the next. Demonstrating exaptation, we can see how the original purpose of this trait was to export water out of cells, but the process soon became specialized for many other functions as well, including the discharge of the signaling molecules. In his research, Myers has identified species of fungi and other single-celled microorganisms that readily employ these mechanisms, suggesting that the relatively simple creatures contain the ancestral basics of advanced nervous systems.

Myers showed that the central nervous system probably originated in the most primitive single-celled organisms over a billion years ago

When signaling pathways are constantly being utilized, nerve cells tend to build stronger connections. The third basis of the central nervous system is cellular movement and neurons’ affinity for each other in path finding and forming specialized structures. Myers has observed the way grasshopper embryos’ sensory neurons use local cues to assemble the nervous system. It is the same way that motor nerve cells find their way to muscle fibers and similar to the way single-celled amoebae sense and obtain food from the environment.

It seems only natural that CASH asked Myers to speak and that he gladly accepted the invitation to discuss his study of the primordial nervous system. Central to Myers’ presentation was the idea that the rise of complex biological structures often began with the accidental evolution of its simplest form, which later began to serve additional purposes. A lot of emphasis was placed on the theme “ubiquity of exaptation”

The degree of complexity that the human nervous system has attained throughout the course of evolution exceeds the simplicity of fungi and prokaryotes by a landslide. However, the notion Myers so clearly conveyed is that these primitive single cells have the building blocks that evolution has exploited to bring us here today. This mesmerized many of Myers’ viewers, who greatly appreciated the essence of the subject matter and asked questions late into the evening.

mind’s eye

Trains and How They Could Make a Comeback...Maybe

by Eric Dolski Planes, trains and automobiles: Over the past 70 years, the United States seems to have forgotten its once-beloved middle child. However, $8 billion in stimulus money, as well as the strongest push for green industry in history, may give the rails another chance to shine. For good or for bad, U.S. railroads could soon make a comeback.

Let’s start with a run-through of the possible technology involved in modernizing the U.S. rail system. Electrifying the current system would be the cheapest method of improving existing infrastructure. Think of electrification as giving the railroad some basketball shoes to replace its beat-up sneakers. Another approach to replacing the current system would be with “highspeed” trains similar to the mildly popular Acela system that runs along the east coast of the U.S. This would be much more expensive (think billions of dollars more than electrification), but it would stay viable for a longer time and it has a decided cool-factor compared to plain old “not high-speed” trains. The last method is both the most expensive and, probably, the most likely to invoke child-like wonderment: magnetic levitation, or maglev for you abbreviation-crazed masses. Think of it as a train that hovers over the tracks and flies towards its destination, because that’s exactly what it does. At $100 million per mile of track, it is obscenely and perhaps prohibitively expensive.

One of the biggest issues concerning the railroad industry nowadays is that of cost. Rail is an expensive investment; the U.S. simply can’t pay Chinese immigrants to do the job anymore.

Consider the Central Corridor here in the Twin Cities. For 11 miles of metro rail line, the projected cost is $941 million. That’s a lot of money no matter how you look at it. While the Central Corridor is certainly not typical of all railroads, it gives a sense of the scale we’re dealing with. Hundreds of millions of dollars.

Billions of dollars to build something that can travel between states. Trillions, to even begin to recreate the U.S. transportation system as we know it.

This money has to come from somewhere: in this case, the taxpayer (or the children and grandchildren of the taxpayer) would take the hit. This brings us to the ever-present battle between American conservatives and American liberals.

State governments can’t afford to build railroads and also can’t do the whole “regulate interstate commerce” thing, so the federal government is the go-to guy when people, lobbyists, or others want the U.S. to undertake a humongous project like the modernization of American railroads. There’s a method to this conservative and liberal madness, though, just as there always is. A conservative, low population-density state like Idaho will not benefit from a passenger railroad.

A liberal, high-population state like New York will. Whether railroad modernization is good or bad, it’s going to benefit

some and it’s going to hurt others, be those other states, cities, towns, or people on either side of the political spectrum.

Another problem, though perhaps merely a freakish offshoot of the cost issue, is the bureaucracy surrounding American rail today. Tracks take up space, which is a resource that is becoming increasingly scarce as cities become denser and zoning laws become stricter. Imagine you’re the mayor of Minneapolis and you want to build a railroad track through downtown. To do that, you must tear down a few buildings. To tear the buildings down, you must negotiate with the buildings’ owners. If the owners refuse to sell, construction is postponed and money is wasted. Rinse and repeat five or ten times and costs start to balloon, public support wanes, and your political career as mayor takes a huge hit. To put it succinctly, everybody wants a railroad, but nobody wants to build it. It’s the political equivalent of the stock market.

The U.S. has a big decision to make in the coming years. When does it give up the gasoline-powered automobile in favor of something else? And in favor of what? Will trains, high-speed, maglev or something else, become the vogue again? Will somebody finally develop a viable electric car? Who’s going to step up and make one of these things happen and reap the spoils? So far, Obama has put $8 billion on the table for public transportation.

Whether he intends to or not, he could be known as the president who modernized public transportation.

KeiT Osadchuk

www.wakemag.org

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sound & vision

Movie Review: Ninja Assassin

by Andrew Bergstrom

Bouncer Fighter: Satirical Spirituals (Anti-Civ)

by Ross Hernandez

By some magical force, the last several years have been an influx of over-hyped, poorly executed, million-dollar movies that nearly literally beg you buy a gun and shoot the damn thing so it can never hear or see itself again. Their names that remind you of horrific three chord punk bands that do too many drugs and understand nothing about music. With a name like Ninja Assassin I was certainly wary of what was in store, and thankfully this movie did not fail entirely.

The plot is simple yet classic - a hearty shout out to its old school martial arts movie roots – with a few new elements. One badass protagonist (Raizo) verses hordes of foes from his past, leaving his future open to 90 minutes of wonderfully executed and choreographed fight scenes. The whole thing is seasoned with gore done so well and so frequently it’s almost art. This is thanks to the use of CGI effects that for once don’t look laughable and obvious. Hack and slash video game manifest on the screen. The storyline is clearly second to the action.

Bouncer Fighter’s first record is a result of their meticulously refined and incredibly singular live show played without tricks, frills, or on stage banter. They play fast and recklessly and then they’re gone. And then you leave feeling overjoyed and twisted at the same time. On Satirical Spirituals, Bouncer Fighter wrings honesty like the little dirty rag they believe it to be. It’s not a tongue-in-cheek record; it’s a record frustrated by alternating wild visions (colliding space ships) with sincerity (“you’ve gotta work all your life might as well try and make it nice”).

Satirical Spirituals brings out a few of the band’s best elements that are often masked by their live show: Anders Mattson’s viola and Caleb Pease’s lyrics. Mattson’s viola coaxes the demented honky-tonk element out of the songs on Spirituals while Pease’s lyrics glue together the moments of discordant destruction and sweet melody. Despite their

Radio K: Real Estate

by Jon Schober

The Brooklyn, by-way of Jersey band Real Estate, appeared out of nowhere on the advent of a lazy summer day, first garnering buzz among the blogosphere several months ago.

Their debut, self-titled album has acquired some substantial praise by music’s top critics, and while to many people that doesn’t mean a whole hell of a lot, it is an interesting reception to note: to put it simply, Real Estate isn’t making music that is particularly revelatory. It is good ol’ hazy rock at its most intimate moments, and you can tell by the opening, glimmering guitar riff of first track, “Beach Comber,” that this is going to be the soundtrack for a day about town, sun blazing down, and a general lethargy penetrating every movement of life. But this is not a bad thing by any means, and Real Estate’s tunes help the relaxation set in through cyclical chords, sometimes incomprehensible, drawling lyrics, and impromptu tempos that go from slow to slower.

Standout tracks “Pool Swimmers,” with its darker edge and floating vocals that disappear into a progressively stronger

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The major downside to the story is the presence of two government based main characters that are poorly included, and under developed. These are characters that both manage to be useless to the project as a whole, but also physically. Running around aimlessly, clasping handguns in futile desperation. Protected by an invisible shield of shear chance, that makes them untouchable while everyone around them is slain within moments. Detracting from the over all potential of the film and wasting time that could be better spent on Raizo’s own story. Other kinks in the blood hose would be, some rather predictable foreshadowing, portions that didn’t quite fit and the very strange fact that the leader of a ninja clan is a samurai?

Overall Ninja Assassin was well done, despite the negatives. Its action packed appeal made for a sincerely enjoyable experience.

One that fans of just about every genre can relish as a brutal bloodbath of visual eloquence. So grab your umbrella and get ready for the storm of bodies.

outlandish content, the lyrics are conversational and serve to explain each song’s rhythm. People never talk in straight 4/4 time, unless they’re catatonic. The best example of Pease’s writing is on Spirituals’ sixth track, “Pillow in a Coffin.” An acoustic song. And a departure both literally and metaphorically from the rest of the record, it literally divides the record evenly between satirical and spiritual songs. Where the narrators are “out back smoking drugs with Jesus” in the beginning of the record, they’re concerned about “baby Jesus and the dirty ass creatures” by the end. It’s an amazing fusion of tight instrumentation and punk sentiments. Since most of Spirituals was recorded over this last summer, I can attest that Bouncer Fighter has since gotten even better so go see them, for Godsakes.

accompaniment, and the incredible “Fake Blues,” with its confidence and brooding, up-tempo drums, may sometimes make listeners wish the band was taking more chances like these two songs do. I have noticed though that Real Estate, while creating tunes that might just drift by in the end, have fashioned a concept that is hard to ignore. Every song is a homage to shore-life and suburban confinement, with each title bearing this idea: the aforementioned songs alongside “Suburban Dogs,” “Atlantic City,” “Suburban Beverage,” and “Let’s Rock the Beach.”

But then it all ends unexpectedly after just 35 minutes with the gorgeous, differently named “Snow Days,” and every member here is singing a united chorus, in what becomes the most hopeful track on Real Estate’s first album. It signifies an expanding palette for the next go-around, and being on the label Woodsist (Crystal Stilts, Woods, Kurt Vile) will only aid in developing their sound, as they share a roster with many fellow newcomer acts all looking to find their place in the lo-fi, sonic terrain.

sound & vision

Author Interview: Padgett Powell

by Eric Brew Southern writer Padgett Powell recently visited Minneapolis Central Library for a reading and signing of his latest book The Interrogative Mood: A Novel? The book marks his first publication in nine years. “Edisto,” Powell’s first novel, published in 1985, was relatively well-received and successful for a first work. As the years go by, Powell has been humbled the industry’s pressures and criticisms. Other titles that he’s been working on include Manifesto and the tentatively titled Cries For Help: Forty-Five Failed Novels. These titles linger in the foreground while publishers snatch up the potentially gimmicky Interrogative Mood.

The Interrogative Mood is a digression from Powell’s previous works; it features an experimental, though not uncommon, prose where every sentence is a question. Perhaps it’s an appropriate response to a society that is so centered on finding answers. As a follow-up to his Minneapolis Reading, the Wake corresponds with Powell with regard to his latest book and the business of writing in general.

EB You mentioned that The Interrogative Mood went through relatively little editing - was there any reworking in ordering of questions or was this in fact the order that questions came from your fingers?

PP I am a Jarrell man: a long piece of prose with something wrong with it.

EB What do you believe to be the “wrong somethings” in your previous works?

PP The somethings wrong the author of course cannot see, or he’d fix them. Overall, things add up too small. Let’s go with that.

EB The first thing that comes to mind when thinking of William Faulkner?

PP Big radio, good drugs.

EB Blanchot?

PP Henriot.

PP There was no reordering of questions. The ordering is the

EB Hunter Thompson?

sacrosanct part of it if there is a sacrosanct part of it.

PP Inspired kids.

EB At what point in the writing of The Interrogative Mood did you

EB Saul Bellow?

believe or intend the format of a novel?

PP At no point. I did not intend a book at all or believe I was writing one. About 142 pages in, done, I realized we’d have to call it something.

EB Is there a story or reason in the reason this is your first novel published in nine years?

PP During hiatus I wrote three books and had one of them rejected seventeen places, thereabouts, to include twice at ECCO. That book is called Cries For Help: 45 Failed Novels. The first editor to reject it threw out five of them so I called it during the next 16 rejections 40 Failed Novels. I can adjust this count to whatever anybody wants.

PP “If anyone ever reads you, you’ll be in trouble.”

EB Charles Bukowski?

PP The beautiful fighting-Hemingway thing; the honest perfect sentiment every six hundred sentiments, for which the vomiter-into-pianos must be admired.

EB Have you come across your protégé in your teachings in writing?

PP Three students of mine strike me as resonant to the mission and have written things I would steal if my levels of corruption were higher: Chris Bachelder, Chris Adrian, Kevin Wilson.

EB What’s it like to work in an industry that is inextricably bound to how its members believe your art will sell?

EB What changes, if any, have you noticed in the purpose of

PP Is that unlike any other industry? Aren’t you dead in the

PP I am innocent of the intellectual and all of his affairs, to

water, whether it’s steel or paint on the canvas or petitioners to listen to the symphony, if the units don’t move?

EB It doesn’t seem to me like you’re someone who is terribly concerned about the monetary underpinnings of this movement though.

PP Unsure what is indicated by “movement.” It is true that I am not whining about the capitalist infrastructure. Would I like to catch a flyer and make millions on a book? Yes I would. Would I then have to ask myself had I written a worse than usual book? Yes I would.

the writer as an intellectual in your time? bend Twain a little. There does seem to be less talk about the unsuitability of intellection in the way of fiction, but I do not know if that is because fewer folk are trying it now than once were. It’s pretty much down to Gore Vidal in my very limited scope of attention to this matter.

EB I’m sure many potential readers are thinking, “A book full of questions? Sounds like a scheme for sales.” How would you respond to this criticism?

PP Buy it.

EB To what extent did you find yourself considering answers to the questions you were asking in The Interrogative Mood PP My interest is in the questions only.

EB I suppose the question I’m most interested in is the title: Is this a novel? What is your conception of a novel?

www.wakemag.org

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sound & vision

WAMplified!

Christopher James, communications and events director for the Weisman.

WAMplified! is the result of these efforts, and the first of these is set for this Saturday evening.

by Andrew Granger

The Weisman conducted a market research project about one and a half years ago that consisted of a survey of 6,000 people. One of the things found was that the Weisman could be doing more to appeal to the 18-39 year old demographic. This demographic in particular enjoyed going out to see live music shows during free time.

The first event sold out on November 30th however, so if you haven’t got a ticket you’ll have to wait 4 months or so until the next time around.

Late night music and art series December 12th there is going to be a concert at the Weisman.

The Weisman Art Museum’s new late night series WAMplified! takes off at 9pm and goes until 1 in the morning.

Scheduled to happen three times a year, the WAMplified! event is geared towards bringing new faces into the museum, people who might not otherwise come to the Weisman says

Inspired by the Mixed Media series at the Houston museum of fine art, WAMplified! is the brain child of James.

Once he learned about the Mixed Media series at Houston, James had a model for what he wanted to see at the Weisman, and he set out making this dream into a reality.

Tickets for the event were $22, $18 for students and Weisman members, and one third of the tickets were purchased by students. Three hundred and fifty people are expected to attend.

The art and the music for the event are thematically linked.

On display currently is The Dorothy and Herbert Vogel Collection, which is comprised of minimalist, conceptual and other groundbreaking work by American 20th century artists.

Live music will be performed by Anders Ponders and Mates of State.

Mates of State, a husband and wife indie-pop duo from San Francisco, will be headlining the event, and opening for them is local Minneapolis musician and University of Minnesota alum Anders Ponders, who writes music for Viola.

WAMplified! will always feature an opening musical act by a Uof M student or alumni. As James points out, it’s a built in way of (students) bringing in their friends and their fans to see them. It’s a nice way to bring new audiences to the museum.

In addition to enjoying art and music, food and beverages will be served and guests will be able to chillax in a videogame lounge setup for the event.

This is another similarity to the Houston Mixed media series, which featured a Wii lounge. WAMplified has set it sights a little more retro, with classic games such as Pong and Space invaders. “The idea is to create a fun atmosphere," says James Artist Lisa Bradley of New York, who’s work is featured in the exhibit will be leading a midnight tour alongside Weisman curator Diane Mullin.

This novel event idea has also attracted new sponsors for the Weisman. Samsung for example, has provided the TVs for the video game lounge.

By comparison Starbucks has sponsored the Mixed Media event series in Texas.

With all the resources being pooled to create this event, the goal is not to make money, the Weisman expects to break even on the series.

“I’m really eager to hear peoples reactions.” James says, “ I hope that it helps people to see art here at the Weisman in a different way than they at just a local gallery visit.”

With music, food, libations and video games, WAMplified certainly promises to liven up, and perhaps bring a greater social element to the experience of art at a museum.

Meredith Hart

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finals issue fall 2009

humanities

Short Shorts 1)

If I was Michael Jordan and an interviewer asked me what I thought my greatest accomplishment throughout my career was, there would be no pause between the question and my definitive answer: “Space Jam.”

Kevin Tully

2)

Reglas

The plywood dressing box in the Unique Thrift Store stands between the cowboy boots and a rack of Christmas cassettes.

The rules are in Spanish, so I couldn’t have known that you can’t have two people in there at once.

Ross Hernandez

3)

Feliz Navidad poured in loudly through the living room stereo. The rabbit sat on the buffed wood floor, cackling abrasively. Ms. Coughlin lay sprawled out in her gown, a laced glove grabbing at her neck. “Help me!” she cried, but the rabbit only let out another hardened cylindrical dropping.

Patrick Larkin

4)

The other day my dad reminded me that if I try to asphyxiate myself in the garage, to make sure I close the door.

Thanks dad.

Tony Morimoto

It’s All A Circus

Pandemonium. Chaotic bedlam framed by primary tents.

Remnant popcorn crunches beneath size 20 soles. A red nose rolls by the cotton candy machine, as a tiny car zips behind Madame Zulu’s. The Elephant is loose. Some clown stole his peanuts.

Kaitlin Lange

9)

Lately I have been having no thoughts. Why? I thought.

Perhaps I should make myself more approachable to thought.

The sky hung low yesterday, today, and still and I am only half-awake, lucid dreaming, judging the absurdity of my dreams as I am dreaming them.

Does my distaste for the music of Journey and Boston make me culturally irrelevant to my peers? Am I to be forever ridiculed for failing to acknowledge the inferred sonic mastery of “More Than A Feeling?” What feeling?

Matt Noyes

6)

Friends

The two men stare at each other, panting. Skinned knuckles, bruised cheekbones, and bloodied noses adorn them both.

One man spits a tooth in a glob of red saliva.

“Buy you a drink?” asks the other.

Joe Madsen

And I was, as a sailboat

12)

tuft? out

on foot, my book tho? out won? loud / numb not foul not out o’ down oh not now! not off, not out! my obtund voz quo on lob

Sofiya Hupalo

not lookful my

10)

fond low Love Is Animated

In the background, the exploits of today’s anime character du jour blasts across the room. On top sits a heaving, druggedup prettyboy with a heart of gold. “Why the hell do I put up with this,” she lamented, sighing.

Victoria Helbling

11)

your hid look

worn into

5)

7)

8)

Eric Brew

13)

“Public Health”

Not that complicated. You shouldn’t need elaborate health messages telling people common sense. Just think for yourself, and quit letting the signs jabber at you. As for abortion billboards, that’s just not my thing. Now go wash your hands.

Patrick Hicks

up commit down

14)

‘zidjuouz duxiv’d

An enormous hound

my, not b’llow but low

drooling on her toes,

only by now

dirty shag carpet,

could

smells like broken cigarettes.

fib find found

Guitars litter the floor

joint in word

beside chopped, cropped

Raven hair

(if not on own)

“Venus of the Hour”

point low, too quick

whose strands suggest her.

for violin lip

We look at her,

voz found wound

She emerges from feathers, Stops, and hides her breasts.

Paul Leon

on a windless day, having to be content here.

Andrew Larkin

www.wakemag.org

11

Rybak kicks off Governor’s Bid

by Zach McCormick and Angie Sanders

Raymond Thomas Rybak Jr. has always had a bit of a rock star in him. For a politician, Minneapolis’ current and arguably most popular mayor sure seems comfortable holding down the stage in music venues. Back in 2004 he performed the rare mayoral feat of public crowd-surfing at a Rock for Democracy rally at First Avenue, and has repeated the stunt with great vigor several times since. Today, at the lavishly decorated and vaguely harem-like Varsity Theater right in the heart of our very own Dinkytown, RT brought a little dose of that rock star charm out to bear.

Striding confidently onstage to the fist-pumping strains of Springsteen’s “Born to Run,” Rybak leaned over the edge of the stage to clasp hands with supporters with a style that would make The Boss himself jealous. Minneapolis’ potential next governor took an authoritative stance at the podium and began to tell a story about his Czech ancestors who lived in the Bohemian Flats, an area we now know as the final resting place of Minneapolis’ old 35W bridge.

Rybak’s family can be traced back over 150 years when his great grandparents immigrated to Minnesota from the Czech Republic. He continues a long legacy of innovation in the greater Minneapolis area. Rybak graduated from Boston College in 1976 and immediately returned to his home in Minnesota, working as a journalist for various publications, including the Star Tribune. Rybak was and continues to be intensely involved in the Minneapolis community. His presence is genuine and he transfers his excited energy to those around him. Surrounded by a supportive family and other talented individuals, his involvement and dedication led to a grand victory in Minneapolis’ mayoral race in November 2001.

Assuming the role of Mayor of a major metropolitan city mere months after the September 11 crisis is not the most enviable first day on the job, especially when coupled with a statewide financial crisis. But Rybak was able to successfully engage

12

finals issue fall 2009

the city’s community and gain popular support, emerging from a virtual unknown to win his next two elections by wide margins, in part thanks to his championing of several popular programs during his tenure.

Rybak is ready to move to a new level as the governor of Minnesota and bring change to the state, a state he encourages all of us to “win back.”

The Minneapolis Promise is one of Rybak’s most popular programs in the Minneapolis area and has done wonders to secure the youth vote for his campaign. The initiative, established in 2006, created several powerful resources for Minneapolis Public School students. These include the AchieveMpls College and Career centers, placed in every high school, that provide counseling, support, and guidance for college or careerbound high school students and the much lauded STEP-UP summer job program, which provides students who are accepted into the program with job application and work readiness training and then matches them with a prospective employer in the private or public sector. Past employers have included Target and Best Buy corporations, Thrivent Financial, US Bank, Hennepin County Medical Centers, Minneapolis Fire and Police departments, government jobs in public works, and even a secretarial position in Rybak’s own office. The STEP-UP program employed 1,282 high school students last year and is considered a massive success. Finally, the Minneapolis Promise has created several scholarships to the University of Minnesota and a program called the Power of YOU which covers the tuition fees for up to two years or 72 credits worth of classes at Minneapolis Community and Technical College (MCTC), Saint Paul College or Metropolitan State University for accepted applicants.

Rybak has also been a strong proponent of public transportation and bicycle infrastructure during his time as mayor. Rybak has showed that environmentally responsible transportation is one of his foremost priorities by personally overseeing the development and the wildly successful implementation of the Hiawatha Light Rail Train line as well as major developments to Downtown Minneapolis’ bus infrastructure including the addition of new hybrid electric busses to the fleet.

Minneapolis has recently been named the country’s safest city thanks in no small part to Rybak’s actions as a tough-on-crime Democrat.

Crime rates have fallen 23 percent since he became mayor, and in 2009 alone the city’s crime rates dropped double digits on a monthly basis.

Rybak has also shown that the issues of youth and gang violence are close to his heart: after two South High students were killed in gang related violence in 2007, Rybak personally visited the school and spoke to the student body about the events that took place.

Now, Rybak is ready to move to a new level as the governor of Minnesota and bring change to the state, which he encourages all of us to “win back.”

Already working with a large grassroots following, Rybak wants to abandon the tactics of government currently residing in the capitol because, as he says, “We cannot reform this state if we do this the old way.”

Surrounded by supporters, Rybak outlined his opportunity agenda with four major goals: creating a blueprint for jobs and other innovation opportunities, fix the schools and their “broken” funding system, invest in a common ground with an efficient transportation system and to make Minnesota a leader in affordable healthcare for everyone.

Job creation is Rybak’s number one priority. He warned rally members that this “may be the first generation of Minnesotans who can expect to

have less opportunity than their parents.” The plan is to invest in people; create effective training programs and bring forward various opportunities for growth in Minnesota’s greatest industries: natural resources, marketing and medical developments/technology. When questioned, the Mayor also voiced his desire to see the Minneapolis Promise program expand statewide and grow in size and function. He claims that in order to get Minnesota back to the great state it was, he’ll work to reconnect Minnesotans to each other, as well as with Minnesota. He knows that in order to bring change, everyone needs to get involved. His campaign depends upon community and common ground and Rybak’s acknowledgement that the new policies cannot be about just one person or a single government, but needs to be about “the people of this great state [and] reconnecting Minnesota to do great things.”

Rybak faces steep competition from other DFL candidates, including current State Senator Tom Bakk and what could be Rybak’s fiercest competitor, former U.S. Senator Mark Dayton. Republican contenders include former State Auditor and President of the MN Free Market Institute, Pat Anderson, and former state House Minority Leader Marty Seifert. Norm Coleman, former U.S. Senator and former mayor of Saint Paul, is rumored to be a potential candidate as well.

What makes Rybak stand out is his accessibility: he has transformed from a virtual unknown to a tough politician. With a strong local following and wealth of political experience Rybak is increasingly looking like the man to beat in the next election for governor, and he seems to know it. After delivering a rousing speech at the rally, Rybak got the 100-strong crowd roaring and chanting his initials like a rock show crowd desperate for an encore.

meredith hart

www.wakemag.org

13

11

10

Mike Mason: Celebrity Status

sound & vision

Pop music may die: Weezer’s frontman hospitalized

by Patrick Larkin Across the globe, lovers of infectious pop music with impeccable, brilliantly gleaming hooks are holding their breath Rivers Cuomo, the Jesus of popular culture, may be on the brink of death after a tragic auto collision in upstate New York involving a bus, a limousine, and a hot dog cart.

The luxury bus Cuomo was riding spun a full 360 degrees on a patch of ice before simultaneously hitting the hot dog cart and the limousine. According to a bystander, the zen-loving Cuomo managed to evacuate his beautiful Asian wife and daughter, as well as one elderly passenger, before the vehicle began to explode, killing the bus driver and three puppeteers that are part of Weezer’s live show. Vehicle and hot dog debris flew everywhere.

According to CNN, Cuomo “complained of rib pain” after the accident. It is suspected that debris from the explosion punctured the heroic songwriter’s back before striking him in the ribs. CNN also reported that the band’s assistant, Sarah Kim, complained of back injuries. It is suspected that she may also die from the accident.

Cuomo was taken to the Albany Medical Center, a Canadian hospital. Due to Canadian socialized health care, it is likely that the God of popular song had to wait in line for several hours, further exacerbating his already paltry chance of surviving the accident.

Purported to be worse than the death of Michael Jackson, Cuomo’s potential passing has sent MTV off the air for 48 hours out of respect for the pop wizard, according to an anonymous source. Consumers are buying stores out of Weezerbrand Snuggie fleece blankets in solidarity with the band.

by Jenny Juniper You may have noticed a scantily clad boy-man in The Wake’s backpage ads. Those same sultry abs that you’ve grown to adore, those careful curves and semi-ambiguous beverage have come to define the man we — and now the world — call Mike Mason.

After taking out an advertisement in The Wake Magazine, Mason fostered his hopes for celebrity status and was soon invited to the Oprah show to debut his happenstance celebrity status. As you may recall, his controversial but not altogether unpleasing seduction and subsequent sexual acts with Oprah Winfrey broadcast on live television threw Mason into a new kind of fame.

World-renowned Japanese model agency, Tamagotcha!, was quick to contact and represent the young star.

To little surprise to the representatives at Tamagotcha! Mason was soon transformed into a Godzilla-esque creature in accordance with a 10,000-year-old prophecy discovered in a magic cupboard in Tamagotcha! agency’s break room. Every time a cherry blossom tree dies in Japan, Mason turns into a fifty-foot green-skinned, speedo-clad monster for an indeterminate amount of time. Currently, scientists believe the duration of the Masonzilla form is linked to the geographic location and age of the cherry tree in question.

The unpredictability of the transformation has created some conflicting emotions in the Japanese people. While young Japanese girls are still drawn to his playful appearance and scruffy beard, parents and other concerned citizens fear his presence out of concern for their lives. Mason has destroyed several cities through these transformations, including the destruction of Hiroshima’s Peace Memorial Museum. This specific occurrence is thought to have been a planned attack by the Anderson’s – a gaijin family from America – who were taking a family photo near the same sakura tree that fell later that fateful day.

“If he dies, pop music may never be the same,” says music guru Carson Daily. “But I totally hope he doesn’t.”

Tamagotcha! Medias Relation Advisor had the following to say on the subject: “我々は、変換予測した。” The Japanese public still cares a great deal for their country’s finest fair-skinned underwear model. Despite the unfortunate curse and irregularity of his transformations, Mason believes his presence has refocused the Japanese government to the important issue of cherry blossom tree deaths and other environmental issues. Unfortunately, little can be helped when it comes to the Japan’s strict position on whaling: おいしいよね!

But where does Mason trace his successes and fame from?

His advertisements in The Wake.

www.wakemag.org

09

sound & vision

Book Review: Prosopopeia

by Erik Bru Is there an ideal language - a language to unify all of mankind?

This is the question from the mind of young author Erik Høiaas in his debut fictional novel, Prosopopeia. Many critics have called Høiaas – along with his close friend and fellow novelist, Phillip Reisnes – Norway’s first authors of literary merit to take after the reclusive and renowned poet/ novelist Tor Ulven.

suckers!

Prosopopeia partially weaves a tale of madness – the book’s protagonist, Joachim, is in search of the “absolute language,” according to Høiaas it’s “a language which can grasp all the nuances of the world.” It’s the perfect subject matter for a beginning novelist, who is, in his own, trying to grasp those nuances with his own language limitations.

The first translation of the book to English will be coming out Dec. 15 by The Wake’s new publishing group: Liminal Press. Despite significant and ill-founded cuts in funding from University Student Services last year, The Wake has managed to not only survive, but to proliferate with the help of local organizations that sprung into action when hearing that they might lose the University’s only alternative newspaper. With their help, Liminal Press will be putting out small runs of texts like Erik Høiaas’ Prosopopeia and Liminal literary journal in the spring.

Høiaas, originally from Oslo, penned the novel in a small New York City apartment after realizing that he had to get away from the odd post-graduate cycle he was in with his friends. The separation in mind gave him the power to revise his initial draft of the novel. The book garnered much attention in Norway in Fall 2006; Prosopopeia will be presented for the first time in English by the Liminal Press this winter.

only $20 EACH! Sally O’Malley Reveals Anti-Aging Secret Sofiya Hupalo The Wake recently had the opportunity to meet and speak with Sally O’Malley, the legendary red-suited woman who has made multiple stunning appearances on Saturday Night Live. Her classic proclamation, “I’m fifty!” still echoes in our ears as we are reminded of her name. Even though years have passed since we last saw her on late-night television, little has changed for O’Malley. She continues to exercise – her strict workout regimen consists of 50 daily kick-stretch-kicks interspersed with heavy duty bends and stretches. Most importantly, though, she is still fifty. So when O’Malley was in town for a trapeze convention, The Wake could not pass up the chance to sit down and discuss how she has managed to defy the mechanics of aging.

Wake: First of all, it is such an honor to meet you. We grew up admiring your self-confidence and powerful exercise endurance as you competed with younger women in prestigious dance competitions.

SO’: Oh why thank so much! It’s so nice to hear that!

Wake: So what has kept you going all these years?

SO’: You know, when I’m doing my kick, stretch and kicks, I feel like the Almighty himself. I mean, I’m fifty, fifty years old!

And if I keep doing my thing – dancing, kicking, shimmying – I will continue to feel and look as great as I always have. I want you to do something for me. Take a look at all those skinny, blonde young girls. What do I have that they don’t? I’ve got experience, a wild head of hair, and a cabooze that can knock you off your feet!

08

Wake: Wow, that’s really powerful.

SO’: You know, I don’t try to hide my age. I’m fifty years old!

There are a lot of women out there that are afraid to admit their age because somebody might say that they’re too old or too young to do something. I’ve got more zip, zap, and pizzazz than anybody else I know and I’m fifty!

Wake: You are a proud woman, Ms. O’Malley.

SO’: I sure am. People used to tell me that I could never be where I am today. I sure proved them wrong. Now I can kick, stretch, and kick the life outta them! Nobody can say “never” to Sally O’Malley!

Wake: So what’s next for you? Can we hope to see you on SNL anytime soon?

SO’: I’m not quite sure about that – I am a very busy woman.

After I teach a kick-stretch-kick workshop here at the Twin Cities Trapeze Convention, I’m off to New York to practice with the Rockettes for the holiday season.

Wake: One final question. Why red? It looks great on you, but do you ever get tired of wearing the same color?

SO’: Red, ladies and gentlemen, is magic! I love the way it highlights and proclaims the curves of my body. I’m fifty years old, and I have a booty that just won’t quit. I couldn’t possibly hide it in mom-jeans and a pair of Hanes! Red also contrasts great with my dark, curly locks – I am my own hairstylist, you know.

Wake: Well, Ms. O’Malley, thank you so much for taking the time. It sure is great to hear from you again, we almost thought you’d disappeared. Maybe we’ll see you soon at…

SO’: …I’M FIFTY!

finals issue fall 2009

mind’s eye

Tie-dyed Brain It’s the pits

by Adrienne Dorn, Maggie Foucault and Sage Dahlen Swine flu was predicted to be the epidemic of 2009 and 10, but a new disease is sweeping through the nation. Known as Tie-Dyed Brain Syndrome, the condition primarily affects straight males between the ages of 14 and 40 and appears to be almost exclusively behavioral. Doctors are not sure how the disease is transmitted but theorize that it is either a genetic mutation or airborne.

Symptoms range on a case-to-case basis but generally include memory loss, confused priorities, rambling and nonsensical speech, backward logic, and a complete lack of understanding of cause and effect. While TDB is not yet widely known – a Google search for the syndrome produces one poem, leggings from American Apparel, and Phish t-shirts – cases of TDB are rising at an exceedingly high rate.

The effects of TDB range dramatically but generally include abstinence and social isolation. Scientists worry that if cases of TDB go unchecked, the number of males and females reproducing in the U.S. will drop dramatically and cause a huge decline in population. Other experts posit that the epidemic could cause an increase in the number of women who identify as lesbian or bisexual.

Dr. Princheski is the world’s foremost expert on TDB, and was once a victim of the debilitating syndrome himself. He was diagnosed with the disease nearly ten years ago, and his recovery, he says, is still in progress. He evaluates his condition on a day-to-day basis. His research on the topic has increased awareness, changed global views of TDB, and is paving the way for the syndrome to be listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

“TDB cannot be cured with one little pill,” says Princheski.

“Recovery from this social life-threatening condition is a long and arduous process.” Recovery from TDB, Princheski says, is easier when the syndrome is diagnosed early. He warns mothers and older sisters to stay alert and to monitor their sons’ and brothers’ behavioral changes in an effort to stomp out TDB before it begins.

A recently diagnosed sufferer of TDB, who asked not to be identified, says that receiving the diagnosis of TDB was confusing. “I think I have TDB. That’s what my doctor told me anyway. I don’t really get it though, to be honest. I was told that the diagnosis was based on the fact that I scored a date with this girl that I’m really into. But I cancelled to master my newest video game. So what?”

I think I have TDB. That’s what my doctor told me anyway. I don’t really get it though, to be honest Those diagnosed with TDB are not the only ones who suffer from the debilitating effects of the disease. Significant others and family members are also commonly affected. “My boyfriend got TDB. It’s the worst,” said Becky Jones, a championship figure skater and neurosurgeon who is generally considered to be quite the catch. “I just woke up one morning and he told me he wanted to take a break. He didn’t want to see other people. He just wanted a break. Who does that?” Jones, then decided to take action. “I told him to get off my porch,” she says. “He paused, blinked, and then told me he had to go make soup.”

The number of women encountering men with TDB is rising.

“I knew this guy with TDB. He was all like, ‘Oh, I love you.

You’re the greatest,’” says Andrea Munjab. “Then he cheated on me with a fat person when I was out of town.”

Danielle attinella

To prevent the epidemic from spreading further, any suspected cases of TDB should be immediately reported to the Minneapolis division of the Center for Tie Dye Brain Syndrome Control (CTDBSC). Uninfected persons should remain at a friend-zone distance and await diagnosis.

www.wakemag.org

07

mind’s eye

Kuru

By Andrew Bergstrom It was announced on Tuesday, Dec. 1, that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have declared an epidemic status on a spread of the disease known as Kuru. Since the first appearance nearly six months ago, the rate of infection has increased exponentially. Experts are baffled.

While initial cases originated in and around Los Angeles, exactly how and why the disease erupted is a subject of rather heavy debate. Experts from various fields are stepping forward to give what has turned out to be an extensive list of reasons for just that. Reasons range from mass mutations in grain supplies to the occult, and even suspect the extra terrestrial. CDC representative Norman F. Prot was quoted saying, “It’s clear to me that the H1N1 virus acted as an underlying gateway towards a chimerism, which fused together with Kuru and allowed for the surge of infection that we are seeing today.” His finishing statements left many panicking. “This is not something that we can cure with medication. Upon infection, immediate and invasive surgical action must be taken to remove a significant portion of the frontal lobe, placing the virus in a vegetative state.” When asked for the details and success rate of this procedure he refused to comment further.

The majority of the scientific community seems to be taking a more relaxed stance on the subject. Treating this outbreak as something more akin to that of the one-time childhood affliction, as one anonymous physician says, “Once the first wave passes, the body will be immunized naturally and like chick-

06

en pox, you will only get it once.” President Obama himself backed this claim just twelve hours later during a televised address to the public.

Kuru was first observed in natives of Papua New Guinea during the twentieth century. It is believed that once consumed, prions will infect the brain and cause a number of physiological and neurological symptoms. Kuru is also known as the laughing sickness due to the decline in brain function that causes uncontrollable outbursts. People are being encouraged to keep a close eye out for any such behavior, as well as lack of coordination, joint pains and headaches.

Upon infection, immediate and invasive surgical action must be taken to remove a significant portion of the frontal lobe, placing the virus in a vegetative state.

Associate Professor V. Soterios Panakratakos, Chair member of EXCACT, a social development organization based in Davenport, Maine, has been studying a possible connection to a popular new trend among American youth. Supposedly a lack of new and interesting drugs is causing many teenagers to seek out and mimic obscure tribal practices such as those of the ancient Mayans and Melanesian cannibalism. The exact origin of the concept is unknown; however Prof. Soterios is certain that other social archetypes depicting cannibalism or vampirism are not associated with this new trend. His solution was one of social reform. Blaming instead modern

Ben Lansky

man as a whole, he boldly declared that, “Very little can be measured from just hacking away at everyone afflicted. It’s our national Identity, it’s loss, but the fact of the matter is that there are dead zones of moral fiber within our people.

And so this is only another form of social deviation causing lesser people to squander their lives. This is only the newest most shocking version of depravity: they just don’t care.

Their hope for our nation is rotting, and if we’re to stop such a thing, we must open our eyes. We have all become blind to that which happens around us daily. Yet such a thing is cyclical, and will deal with itself eventually. Just as a forest fire keeps the forest healthy.” His opinion was not welcomed warmly, and numerous death threats drove him into hiding, preventing him from elaborating further.

The most recent and quite possibly most controversial testimony came from a young woman referring to herself only by the Initials T.J. She strongly urged people to avoid any type of vaccination or corrective surgery, claiming that these are simply new concealed methods of global enslavement and that Kuru itself is a curse planted within the human soul gland by ancient reptilian overlords. Kuru, she continued, is very easily avoided by, “performing the proper sacraments prior to consumption” and that is the main reason such a thing was never a problem in the past.

No doubt everyone will remain glued to their televisions for updates to determine the exact level of severity and what we as the people might expect in the future. This is without a doubt proving to be one of the single most talked about events of our time.

finals issue fall 2009

cities

Nazis on Campus

by Liz Lorge They’re the kids who sit in the front row in every class: The ones craning studiously over textbooks in Coffman Union when those chairs should truly be reserved for naps. The ones taking over every lounge in every dorm. The ones with overgrown fingernails and a tendency to let the world know their brilliance by talking about politics for no particular reason.

The ones who analyze everything from conspiracies to how suggestively magical Lucky Charms are. They are the ones playing conservative, handing out altered Darwin books and slandering the names of the good students who are lustful, fun-loving sinners. They are here. They are now. They are alleged members of the National Socialist party. They are Nazis.

That’s right! Nazis! Walking inconspicuously about campus, dressed to blend in with the rather bland student body, they are slowly building in number. They are demonstrating on campus via alias groups such as Cribbage Club, Sailing Club, and more than likely, the Swing Dancing Club.

By mastering land, water, and mind, these Nazis are plotting. Plotting for what, no one knows. The entire scope of their end product is not known at this time, but when considering the amount of supposed preparation and crimes already committed right under the student body’s nose, it is bound to be bigger than anything on campus before. For the University of Minnesota, that means groups possibly dou-

bling or even tripling the size usually surrounding the base of Mike Gould’s golden ladder. Reports of weapons building and storage in conveniently located bike lockers outside of science buildings on campus have come in. It has also been reported that evidence of such activity has been recently destroyed when the Science Classroom Building, after 30some years of providing adequate learning environments, was suddenly no more. It has been said that while the SCB lay as a mountain of rubble and rebar, glimpses of weaponry could be seen, but authorities refused to act, possibly due to being threatened by Nazi consequences.

Protect yourselves and God speed! The Nazis are here!

By sitting in the front of classrooms, these individuals disguised as students are expected to speak the most in order to compensate for the amount of students sleeping or skipping.

This is perhaps the most detrimental habit they have formed.

Closer to the professor’s mind means they’re closer to power.

Brown-nosing isn’t for good grades anymore. It’s for recruiting the men and women of power at this establishment.

Clearly the Gopher football team, low ACTs and GPAs adorning their records, are a group easily taken advantage of by an even easier target; Brewster. With his power and already cult-

like following of Neanderthals, it has been speculated that Nazis have been training them for years. With facilities lacking the basics to enhance their power, TCF Stadium was built.

Subliminal messages are piped throughout the arena during games. As a loud bass-heavy thumping ensues several times throughout the game, the word ‘NOISE’ flashes and spins on every screen. Suspicions have been peaked as students slowly start to realize that instead of shouting “NOISE!” an increasing number are in fact shouting “NAZI!” or even, “Heil!”

Warrants are trying to be obtained by University 425-WALK police, but have thus far been rejected due to the fact that they are not real police officers. To only add to the already surmounting evidence of knowledge siphoning, isn’t it funny how, at the supposed threshold of their wrath, a light snow has started to blanket the campus? To speak of such an inhumane act, right here at the U of M, seems downright unbelievable; these horrors are nothing short of true with evidence to back them.

Look around! Look at the mischievous eyes of those who speak too frequently in classes. Dig for their motives! See through their façade of simply being intelligent and know that they are the ones plotting and planning and scheming and gaining numbers and power! Protect yourselves and God speed! The Nazis are here!

angela frisk

www.wakemag.org

05

cities

Drug Dealers Now Except Flex Dine

by Tony Morimoto A University of Minnesota student walked down to Wilson Library on Tuesday. He went there to purchase marijuana, PCP, angel dust, crack, cocaine, heroin, hydrocodone, LSD, ecstasy, alcohol (he was underage), OxyCotin, and methamphetamines. The total was $103.54. Instead of cash, the student whipped out his U Card. One swipe and he was walking away with his paraphernalia. How was this possible? Local drug dealers have been allowed to accept FlexDine.

“It’s amazing,” says Ben “Adrian” Peterson, sophomore at the U of M and local gang leader. “Before we needed to get shot, so we were strapped wit a g-thang baby. We were always smashing it like an Idaho potato against cops and whatev, yo.

But, now we don’t got to worry ‘bout dat. Times have gotten so tough for the U, they aksed us if we would start accepting FlexDine and pay them a small fee. We was like, ain’t dat illegal? And day says to us, ‘not on University property. Here, we set our own rules.’”

FlexDine is like a debit card. Students put money on the card and then are able to use it at designated locations. The advantage for the University to offer this service is to increase its cash on hand; this cash –classified as deferred revenue – is used to pay its current bills. These vendors also pay an additional service fee to accept FlexDine, increasing the University’s profits.

Although the U of M has historically been against drug use, they have taken new strides to increase its use on campus.

The state predicts that the school will be bankrupt by 2011. In

an effort to raise funds, President Bruininks has resorted to tactics taken by the tobacco industry – get students addicted to their product.

By allowing drug dealers to use FlexDine, the University is tapping a new market that is bound to grow.

By allowing drug dealers to use FlexDine and giving them immunity if the drugs are sold on-campus, the University is tapping a new market that is bound to grow. Bruininks says, “Drugs have the advantage of being addictive, and that is why it is so attractive.” All the University needs to do is get students to experiment one time to become addicted. Afterward, they will use FlexDine for all of their drug needs.

This is not the first time the University has tried to exploit students with drug abuse. President Bruininks wanted to show his true hatred toward students by taking away their right to drink on campus. But, to appease the alumni, the “no alcohol on campus” policy is circumvented in the alumni center during football games.

Knowing that underage students would probably drink before the football game, the President exchanged money (known as a bribe) and ordered an increase police patrol. In exchange for these kickbacks, he allowed police to distribute a record number of minor citations – which could then be paid for with FlexDine.

Reports from Spy Corporation claim the increase in FlexDine vendors is directly related to the President’s drug and alcohol addiction. Sources say that he and his staff receives unlimited FlexDine.

“At first it was sad and I felt bad for him. But, then he introduced me to the wonders of drugs and alcohol,” says Joel Maturi, one of the minions. “Now, I don’t think I could go a day without using. Sorry, I mean abusing. I mean, how do you think we could have stuck with Brewster so long? Am I right?

Am I right?” He was drunk at the time.

In a related story, Tim Brewster, the coach of the football team, held a press conference after a purchase of drugs with FlexDine. “I am totally cheating on my wife brother. I’m like Tiger [Woods], except with Maturi’s daughter – what up?” It was a short interview, as he was continually raising his hand for a high five.

Mr. Peterson and his “bitch” Sammy claims his sales have increased 500 percent. “I thought I was going to have to work the streets forever man. You know what I’m sayin’? But, now, thanks to Bruininks, I be a professional. I get to wear a suit and have my own card machine.”

Since the implementation of FlexDine with these questionable activities, the University has raised revenues of more than $20 million.

“President Obama, did you Inhale?”

“Well isn’t that the Point...”

Meher Khan

04

finals issue fall 2009

cities

Obama Supports Supports Friendship Friendship Obama

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03

voices

Point

by Andrew Larkin The first year of the unthinkable is almost over. Even those few courageous voices who will acknowledge that America has gone red tend to say it’s not as bad as we’ve feared. Most economic activity is still in the private sector, they’ll say, or men who aren’t lazy can still buy more bread than men who are.

But we’re a year into the long death that those tree-hugging, freedom-hating, vegan, un-American fucks the liberal media wrongly humanizes with the word ‘democrat’ imposed on us.

And the decline has started. Welcome to Amerika, komrades.

Comrade Obama’s tenure has seen the pussification of the War on Terror, the erosion of incentives for private enterprise, the socialization of medicine, and the attempt to realize Marx’s vision of the bums of the world united. If three more years pass without the people regaining their revolutionary patriotic Common Sense (a la Glenn Beck – read his book, or if you can’t read, buy a gun), no doubt it will be because the bread lines at the Comintern are so long that we’ve all starved to death.

The Comrade took office nearly a year ago today promising to change America’s freedoms. Apparently Oxford didn’t teach him that change doesn’t mean erase, for that’s just what he set out to do. With his first act as President – a $700 billion increase in the budget for welfare and the automatic extension of benefits to all union members- he set out to erase a man’s freedom to earn his own living. He then sought out to internationalize these benefits, both by attempting to give the inmates of Guantanamo Bay citizenship within a year, something it takes American immigrants seven years to acquire, and by attempting to provide Mexicans with universal health care. Fortunately, the heroic efforts of senators like Chuck Grassley and Sarah Palin stopped these nefarious schemes,

which only raise the question of what socialist laws the Comrade has passed when patriots haven’t been looking.

As Americans we’ve known freedom, and with the help of the shotguns on the farm and old-fashioned pamphleteering, might know it again.

These measures have been the rule rather than the exception to the Comrade’s rule. For a man who used the onset of a recession as an excuse to nationalize the nation’s banksbankers being perhaps the only men whose loans could have lifted America’s auto industry from the rut foreign car-dumping and domestic socialist taste for “fuel-efficient” cars put it in- nothing is too low, too vicious, too red. As if emerging expressly to validate this claim, new research from a team of investigative theological journalists from Bob Jones’ University suggests that Bernie Madoff’s ponzi scheme was pouring money into Barack Obama’s private bank account, to be used to fund Obama’s welfare budget, in an attempt to redistribute American wealth. Presumably, all the time he spent doing nothing on the Senate convinced him that everyone should be able to do nothing for a six-figure income.

As for Obama’s healthcare reform efforts, little needs to be said. Stealing ideas from the pinkos of Europe, who supported him by pretending their countries don’t have death panels (why then are all the Europeans on TV young?), he commanded Congress to spend $900 billion pushing the limits of bureau-

cratic inefficiency. As socialists seem to think the state can command money to grow on trees, we can’t be too surprised at his financial ineptitude, though fortunately we can still un-allot health insurance for the lazy (Minnesota Pride!). But though the Senate’s still blabbering away, there really is little hope for the sick of this country. That is, unless you’re sick in the head, in which case you’ll go straight to political power.

Perhaps the biggest shame about the Comrade’s rise to power will be in its effect on the rest of the world. As Americans we’ve known freedom, and with the help of the shotguns on the farm and old-fashioned pamphleteering, might know it again. But the pseudo-Americans who elected this guy have made it impossible for many of the poor naïve non-Americans to ever know freedom. Through George W. Bush’s wisdom, we hoped to bring a new idea to the shores of the Orient; the wings of democracy carried us into Iraq and Afghanistan.

And just as these seedlings are looking to have taken root, Obama proves that his pink side can’t muster the force that freedom requires. You see, in the intellectual world, 3/4ths is 75 percent, and 75 percent is a passing grade. But in the school of life, which Obama was too bookish to learn from, we don’t take anything less than 110 percent. If General McChrystal asked for 40,000 troops he probably meant 45,000, and damn well should have gotten that. But the Comrade probably can’t tell a guerilla jihadist from a guerilla pinko. And neither can I, because I know they’re all bad.

So in the spirit of the Founding Fathers, let’s persevere, and remain vigilant as the Comrade takes us down the Red Sea. After all, with Freedom we can always reverse course.

Counterpoint

by Andrew Larkin These are things I also think about Obama though, that I forgot to mention. Like, how funny it is that the first black president we get turns out to be the most violently Aryan one we’ve ever had. Yep, gentlemen, we’re almost a year in, and already we can see all the freedoms we fought for in World War II being betrayed by the influence of a personality cult. An angry, charismatic black man young leader rises in the midst of a recession to unparalleled power in the aftermath of a stupid war. Sound familiar? Sound like the story of AMERIKA? The Fuhrer’s aggressively nationalist tenure has already seen significant military expansion, intervention into private enterprise, the commissioning of ‘medicinal’ Death Panels, and the attempts to co-opt the nation’s youth via mandatory service in the Obama Youth camps, not to mention vast expanses of military power. If we don’t all learn the power of sit-ins (or buying guns!) within three years, we’ll all be goosestepping.

The Fuhrer took office nearly a year ago today promising to change America’s freedoms. Apparently Oxford didn’t teach him that change doesn’t mean erase, for that’s just what he set out to do. His first act as president was to establish his right to control salaries of executive jobs across America, calling the fair, market-set wages of the old bank CEOs unfair.

Using this “unfairness” as justification, he purged the banks of the stalwarts of the old regime, or as Ayn Rand and I like to say, the stalwarts of Freedom. But this wasn’t enough for the old Fuhrer (will anything be? no). He then proceeded to nationalize GM and destroy rival domestic car companies.

Anonymous sources close to the president indicate that GM is set to be renamed Common Folks’ Wagon. Or, Folks Wagon.

Or, Heil Obama, if you will.

02

Obama’s authoritarianism knows no limits, as the “health care” “debate” clearly demonstrated. With his view of creating a master race of Aryan- or African- or Asian- or possibly Hispanic (probably Hispanic, the fucking pinko) Americans, he can’t even find room for the elderly. That is why his calls for the national socialization- the nazism, if you will- of health care predominantly included little more than efforts to give Nancy Pelosi a gun and ultimate power over life and death in Amerika.

Education just bounces off the firm patriotic exterior of a true American.

However, if issues like death panels and Obama’s frothing genocidal racism have been the primary talking points of the press, that isn’t because the Fuhrer’s other agendas are less deliberately evil. In fact, it’s probably just because, as Obama’s attempt to boycott (read: kill every employee of) Fox News, the last vestige of reputable journalism in this beautiful nation, demonstrates, the Fuhrer has a rigid control of the press and will not tolerate the premature discussion of his most nefarious schemes. However, tidbits have leaked. The brave, brilliant, and, dare I say beautiful, Michelle Bachman has been valiant enough to point out Obama’s veiled references to “mandatory youth service.” Bachmann is a true American, the kind you can’t build in camps, or through education.

Education just bounces off the firm patriotic exterior of a true American. But with Obama’s fascist eloquence and his mandatory brainwashing camps, with clearly ultranationalist names like Americorps or the “Peace Corps,” the youth of this country are in trouble. The hypnotic effect of the Fuhrer’s

dreamy voice has already blinded the majority of this nation to the excesses of Fascism. It can, of course, be assumed, that tapes of the Fuhrer lecturing on the nature of True Americanism, the value of absolute devotion to a leader, and how annoying the problems he inherited are, will be played on repeat at these Obama Youth camps. The young of our nation are strong, but who can withstand such a torrent of evil?

As if the purpose of these camps wasn’t inherent in the nature of fascism, Obama’s recent steps regarding Afghanistan indicate clearly that we are in a military state. By appointing Hitler Youth America co-founder and former KKK Grand Wizard Stanley McChrystal as Die General to Afghanistan, Obama indicated his militant expansionist tendencies. Veiling his thirst for violence in rhetoric about having “inherited” the war, and by sending fewer troops than the psychotically homicidal McChrystal requested, Obama pretends to be a dove. Yeah right. Perhaps Fuhrer Obama is in doveskin, but beneath that he’s just a blindly firing machine gun of evil. The Afghanistan war will, of course, expand, until suddenly we look up and realize that Western Europe has become a slave labor camp for producing American consumer goods (serves ‘em right for not showering, pinkos!).

Yes, a year in and we can already see this wholesale assault on everything that is good and just, in a word, everything that is America, coming. But never fear, good patriots. Fascism, as has always been the case, has a major roadblock between itself and success. I call that roadblock Freedom.

finals issue fall 2009

Nazis on Campus

05

Kuru

06

Anti-Aging Secrets / and more Finals Issue 2009