The Wake, Issue 14, Spring 2013

SUMMER! vol. 12 | issue 14 may 6 - august 31

The Best Summer Music Festivals p. 4 Q&A L’Assassins p. 8

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

this publication together. It’s a family here at The Wake. Not only do we put out the best publication on campus, but we have the best crew. I couldn’t be more excited about the new writers, artists, and other people who joined the team— they’re going to blow your minds next school year.

men and sophomores bringing in new ideas, to the table full of people at Espresso Royale going through our “100 Things To Do Before You Graduate” list—it’s been amazing to see people coming together around this 100% student-run magazine.

Part of me is ready to leave this all behind, but part of me is always going to miss it. I mean, this experience changed my life in a ton of ways:

Considering the other side of this issue is ‘90s themed, I’ll leave you with some words from one of the best ‘90s bands out there. These may seem mostly for the graduates, but they’re for you too:

-I first saw the band Zoo Animal at a free show back in 2010 because I was writing an article about how to spend a weekend in Minneapolis without spending any money. They’re now my favorite band of all time, I interviewed the lead singer for The Wake last year, and I’ve been to over 20 of their shows.

Thank you.

If you’re reading this, I want to personally thank you for reading The Wake. I’m graduating this month, so this is the last letter from the editor I will ever write. This is the last issue I will ever be involved with after almost three years of working for this magazine. During this time, The Wake has grown immensely in every way—so thank you for picking up this issue and sharing it with us.

I also need to thank the staff and volunteers who help put

-We’ve thrown three concerts at the Triple Rock, the first of which Nice Purse played. You’ll never see a show as outof-control as a Nice Purse show, but that one was the best I’ve ever been to. And the rest of the bands we’ve booked— Crimes, Hot Freaks, Art School Girls, Umami, Red Daughters, Greg Grease, Blue Ruin, Wealthy Relative, and France Camp— are all insane. Shout out to all of them.

-Sure, The Wake has some haters out there, but my experience has been overwhelmingly positive. From seeing people I don’t know wearing Wake shirts around campus, to the fresh-

Editorial

Production Manager

Alex Lauer

Sean Quinn

Managing Editor

Graphic Designers

Alyssa Bluhm

Cities Editor ©2009 The Wake Student Magazine.

All rights reserved.

Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student organization produced by and for the students of the University of Minnesota.

Production

Editor-in-Chief

Sara Glesne

Sean Quinn, Katie Schalow, Sondra Vine

Art Director Dan Forke

Voices Editor Justin Miller

Social Media Manager Tara Mrachek

Sound & Vision Editor

Web Editor

Zach McCormick

Sam Gordon

The Wake Student Magazine 126 Coffman Memorial Union 300 Washington Avenue SE

“And there's things I'd like to do That you don't believe in, I would like to build something, But you never see it happen, And there's this burning Like there's always been, I've never been so alone, And I've—I’ve never been so alive” See you around,

Alex Lauer Editor-in-Chief

Business Business Manager Chee Xiong

Advertising Manager Matthew Cermak

Advisory Board James DeLong, Kevin Dunn, Courtney Lewis, Eric Price, Morgan Mae Schultz, Kay Steiger, Mark Wisser

Staff Writers Courtney Bade, Tommy Finney, Tyler Lauer

Minneapolis, MN 55455 www.wakemag.org The Wake was founded by Chris Ruen and James DeLong.

The Wake is published with support from Campus Progress/Center for American Progress (online at www.campusprogress.org).

DISCLAIMER the purpose of the Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions. opinions expressed in the magazine are not representative of the publication or university as a whole. to join the conversation email alauer@ wakemag.org.

This Issue Cover Artist

Tara Mrachek, Katie Schalow

Photographers

Whats Inside?

Midwest Music Festivals p. 4 Try It! You Might Like It! p. 5

Kara Hakanson, Tara Mrachek, Katie Schalow, Justin Sengly

Procrastination Tips p. 6

Illustrators

Why We Always Get Back Up p. 7

Dan Forke, Sam Gordon, Tyler Lauer, Sean Quinn

Contributing Writers Katie Askew, Grace Birnstengel, Alyssa Bluhm, Matthew Cermak, Herbert B. Ferguson-Augustus, Tommy Finney, Sara Glesne, Kara Hakanson, Beth Ireland, Peter Mariutto, Zach McCormick, Sean McSteen, Nate Kitzmann, Ethan Lauer, Tyler Lauer, Kayla McCombs, Kelcie McKenney

Q&A: L'Assassins p. 8 Three Reviews p. 11 Flip the issue over for '90s Bizarro!

12:14

Cities

Midwest Summer Music Fests Your guide to the most essential summer activities

By Grace Birnstengel

Not quite sure what your summer entails? Looking to get out of town without spending a fortune? Check out this list of some of the best summer music festivals the Midwest has to offer. Stock up on sunglasses and sunscreen and be prepared to jam your summer away.

SUMMER CAMP WHEN? May 24 - 26 WHERE? Chillicothe, IL – Three Sisters Park WHO? Moe, The Avett Brothers, and more!

WHY? Six stages, three days of camping, unlimited good tymez.

TICKETS: $74 - $218 SOUNDSET

numz: Häagen Dazs ice cream, food from the Butcher and the Boar, Cupcake, World Street Kitchen, and more local eateries. Plus, the Minneapolis skyline behind the stage is perfect for an Instagram photo op.

TICKETS: $55. Technically, RTG is sold out. However, you can volunteer and attend for free or snag some tickets the day of!

TWIN CITIES JAZZ FESTIVAL WHEN? June 27 - 29 WHERE? St. Paul, MN – Mears Park WHO? Kenny Werner, Cyrus Chestnut, Walter Smith III, and more!

WHY? Why not? Free music, beautiful Mears Park, and lots of awesome old people.

TICKETS: FREE SUMMERFEST WHEN? June 26 - 30, July 2 - 7 WHERE? Milwaukee, WI – Henry Maier Festival Park WHO? Imagine Dragons, Empire of the Sun, Atmosphere, MGMT, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Cold War Kids, and many more.

WHY? This is the world’s largest music festival, and it’s right in our backyard. Also, it’s about as cheap as it gets.

TICKETS: $60 for all eleven days, $15 per day ($8 if you get in before 4:00).

ELECTRIC FOREST WHEN? June 27 - 30 WHERE? Rothbury, MI – Double JJ Resort WHO? Passion Pit, Yeasayer, Grimes, Benny Benassi, and more.

WHY? Electronic-based bands. Plus, it’s called Electric Forest. What?

TICKETS: $259

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may 6 - august 31

VANS WARPED TOUR WHEN? July 21 WHERE? Shakopee, MN – Canterbury Park WHO? Bands that will make you feel 15 again (i.e. William Beckett of the Academy Is..., blessthefall, Story of the Year, Chiodos, Motion City Soundtrack, The Early November).

WHY? If you’ve never been, you have to do it at least once.

If you haven’t been for a while because you’re too mature and indie, suck it up and go get sweaty.

TICKETS: $34.50

PITCHFORK MUSIC FESTIVAL WHEN? July 19 - 21 WHERE? Chicago, IL – Union Park WHO? Björk, Belle & Sebastian, R. Kelly, MIA, Lil B, Toro Y Moi, and many more.

WHY? You will receive 1,000 indie points for this one. Also, rumor has it some Wake staff will be in attendance…

TICKETS: $50 for one day. $120 for all three.

TWIN PORTS BRIDGE FESTIVAL WHEN? July 6 WHERE? Duluth, MN – Bayfront Festival Park WHO? Cloud Cult, Mason Jennings, and more!

WHY? A perfect excuse to take a weekend trip up to Duluth!

TICKETS: $25

WHEN? May 26 WHERE? Shakopee, MN – Canterbury Park WHO? Atmosphere, Snoop Dogg, Brother Ali, P.O.S, and MUCH MORE. WHY? Soundset is the ultimate way to kick off your summer.

Relax, soak up some vitamin D, and vibe to some local rap (and Snoop Dogg).

TICKETS: $49 ROCK THE GARDEN WHEN? June 15 WHERE? Minneapolis, MN – Walker Art Center / Sculpture Garden WHO? Metric, The Silversun Pickups, Bob Mould Band, Low, and Dan Deacon.

WHY? Other than the fab lineup, RTG features all of the

WHY? The Basilica is fancy and classy. Who doesn’t like to feel fancy and classy while seeing live music in the depths of summer?

TICKETS: $50

BASILICA BLOCK PARTY WHEN? July 12 - 13 WHERE? Minneapolis, MN – Basilica of Saint Mary WHO? Grace Potter & The Nocturnals, Matt Nathanson, Father John Misty, Mayer Hawthorne, more.

LOLLAPALOOZA WHEN? August 2 - 4 WHERE? Chicago, IL – Grant Park WHO? Phoenix, The Postal Service, Vampire Weekend, Hot Chip, 2 Chainz, Cat Power, Alt-J and SO MANY MORE. WHY? This is the Coachella of the Midwest. Hold it down for your region of the U.S. and head to Chi-Town!

TICKETS: Lolla claims they’re sold out, but you can find tickets in other places besides their website. Be creative.

THE STATE FAIR WHEN? August 22 - September 2 WHERE? St. Paul, Minnesota – Fairgrounds WHO? Depeche Mode, Bat for Lashes, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, more!

WHY? Okay, so the fair isn’t a music festival by definition, but it might as well be. Grab some mini-donuts and a Dairy Building malt before you get crazy.

TICKETS: Varies by concert. $10 - $70

Cities

Drama On The Dance Floor

Bouncers Salt The Game of Latest Forever Young Party

By Nate Kitzmann

I tolerate being a “Burrito Roller” at Chipotle because that’s my job description, but I dread the times long after close when the floors are mopped and the chairs are flipped upside down on the tables. Sometimes there’s a solitary asshole taking his sweet time with his tacos, and others it’s an entire group that fancies our lobby as their private meeting space, but closing shifts usually entail me turning into some sort of makeshift bouncer. If I followed the example some have described of the bouncers at the Forever Young dance party I’d get people out the door at least 10 minutes before close.

Touting itself as “Uptown’s Best Dance Party,” Forever Young was most recently held at the James Ballentine VFW

Try it! You might like it!

Find a new spot, get out of your comfort zone

By Kara Hakanson

FINALLY you can go to a coffee shop and actually enjoy your cold press without having to find sources for your 15-page research paper.

Whether you’re staying in the Cities for the summer, or heading home but plan on coming back for a visit, here are some spots to check out with a friend or a good book.

Don’t let my suggestions stop you! There are so many coffee shops/cafés in the Twin Cities area that you could easily try a new one every day.

Just remember to take a break from Hulu and Facebook this summer and go explore. You would make me, The Wake staff, your bum, and the city of Minneapolis and St. Paul so, so, SO happy.

propriate,” one user wrote.

Post 246 on April 27. Sponsors included Radio K, Tatters Vintage Clothing, and Tuesday Night Music Club.

I arrived early and up to the point of my departure it was a “Real Cool Time.” The fashion choices represented the late ‘90s/early ‘00s theme well: touching on everything from rave culture to grunge, to the slightly less audacious styles of the early aughts. The “legendary laser background” for photo ops was perhaps a bit over-hyped, but an interesting feature nonetheless. I left close to midnight, confident that my fellow partiers would carry on until 2 a.m. just as I left them: dancing, smiling, and locked into the sort of high-octane drunken revelry unbefitting a staid institution like the VFW. A glance at the Forever Young Facebook page the next morning told a different story. As of April 28, three people had independently commented on the “extremely rude” nature of the security. “It was beyond out of line and inap-

Another person commented, “They stopped playing music around 1:50 and shortly after literally started shoving/hitting people because they weren’t leaving quick enough.” More severe accusations include claims of violence and vulgarity on the part of one bouncer, though these remain unconfirmed.

Granted, posts on Facebook can be far from reliable, but one user said, “Someone seriously needs to look into this.”

Matthew Jacobs, creator and organizer of the Forever Young dance parties, did not comment on the VFW security. “We had an amazing time at the last party! Forever Young had a huge turnout and Alex Roob took more photo booth pictures than he has ever taken,” Jacobs said.

Forever Young Prom will take place at First Avenue on May 24. “We are very excited to be at First Avenue again,” said Jacobs. “This time we’ll have the Mainroom as well as the Record Room. Prom is going to be the biggest party we have ever thrown!” Forever Young will have its chance to host another night of nostalgic hip shaking, hopefully this time with a less dramatic finale.

LOCATION: ASTER CAFÉ 125 SE Main St., Minneapolis Ye have been warned! This spot isn’t really a coffee shop. So don’t buy a latte and sit there for four hours. This is a place to meet someone(s) for lunch and drinks and socialize. They host live music at night, so check out their calendar to see who’s playing. If you’re at that lucky age of 21 years, check out the drink list. They have some epic beers on tap and some crazy tea-infused cocktails. This café is in such a prime location you could walk the Stone Arch Bridge pre-Aster and see a movie at St. Anthony Main post-Aster!

LOCATION: NINA’S COFFEE CAFÉ 165 Western Ave N, St. Paul Yes. There is a city called St. Paul and they have coffee shops.

I’m getting you out of Minneapolis to see what St. Paul has to offer. Located in the Summit-University area, this corner gem is worth the hike. Not only does it have a huge main floor, but it also has a downstairs that is combined with a killer bookstore, a little nook for two up in a corner, and now that it’s nice out, tons of outdoor seating. There are options up the whazoo for food and drinks to fit all your consumption needs. While you’re in the neighborhood, check out the Cathedral or trek downtown. I’m a Minneapolis inhabitant myself, but I love getting to St. Paul at least once a week for a breath of fresh city life.

Once you’ve checked out these places, here are a few spots the locals and I plan to hit up this summer: - Spyhouse Coffee Shop (Nicollet location preferred, but whichever you choose!)

- Peace Coffee - Angry Catfish Bicycle and Coffee Bar - J&S Bean Factory - Cahoots Coffee Bar - May Day Café

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Voices

VANITY AFFAIR Life After College

Procrastination Tips: What to do when avoiding finals

By Kelcie McKenney

The four pillars of procrastination: Tumblr, StumbleUpon, Pinterest, Imgur.

By Tommy Finney

I have recently been thinking about what happens when we graduate from college. Besides getting a job and making money, what happens to all our friends? I look back at high school thinking, “OMG, I have such great friends, so many close connections.” Four years later, I have kept in touch with 5 percent of them. It scares me to think that might happen with college friends. But then again, I always hear about old people reuniting with their college friends, so obviously the connections we make here are long lasting.

Spring: great weather, end of the school year is close by, so many plans, and oh, right… finals. So it turns out you have three tests, a paper, and that stupid presentation due, but every ounce of inspiration or desire to be productive is either minimal or all together nonexistent. What should you do?! Obviously procrastination is the key to getting your creative juices flowing. So here’s your guide on what to do when avoiding your finals.

•

Start creeping on Facebook—this is the crucial first step in successful procrastination.

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YouTube anyone? Watch Jenna Marbles’ “Drunk Makeup Tutorial” …and all of her other videos.

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Holy shit, cat videos everywhere.

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The four pillars of procrastination: Tumblr, StumbleUpon, Pinterest, Imgur.

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Find matching sweaters for you and your cat on Etsy.com.

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Go read the Wake… obviously.

I guess what scares me the most is to think that our time here has ended so quickly. Theoretically, we will all get jobs and move on with our lives—most likely in different locations. The hardest part for me is to think that the people I have become so close with will move on with their lives elsewhere, somewhere that won’t include me.

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Read Amanda Bynes’ tweets.

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If you feel like wasting time more intelligently, watch a few TED Talks. Start with Amanda Palmer’s called, “The Art of Asking.”

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Take a walk. It’s finally nice enough for you to enjoy Minnesota’s spring. The river may be overstated, but that doesn’t make it any less beautiful.

Although a very self-centered thought, I think it is very common. Similar to moving out of the dorms freshman year, graduating from college and relocating forces you to look at whom your real friends are (the friends you are going to put the effort into keeping in contact with). In a way though, this is really exciting. I believe distance takes already strong relationships and makes them even stronger. Of course, the weak and materialistic relationships flounder. For me, this was the case for a majority of my high school friends. It makes me sad to think about, but it also gives me hope to make a different future for my college friends. You have to live and learn, right?

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Paint your nails all different colors. Add glitter, get crazy!

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While your nails are drying, learn a new dance move and practice it in your kitchen. Hold a concert for your roommates… Tie them down if you have to.

In the end, I think the connections we make in college are pretty much guaranteed to be long lasting and deep. I mean, we started living on our own for the first time together and we watched each other grow in so many ways—some good, some bad. Personally, I hope that I am able to make friendships like the ones I had during college wherever I work and live in the future. My college experience has definitely set the bar high in terms of what a true friendship means to me.

I really do look forward to moving on professionally and figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life, because lord knows I have no idea now. Never take relationships for granted because eventually, in one way or another, you will lose them. Super depressing, but an unfortunate reality of life.

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• Reorganize your closet, first by color, then by season, and a third time in the order of favorite to least favorite.

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Do your laundry—seriously, it’s better than studying!

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Clean your room—if you’re feeling daring, get out the vacuum. We all know you haven’t looked under your bed since you moved in.

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Reorganize your desk space; you’ll appreciate it at 4:00 a.m. when you finally start studying.

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This paper/test/project is starting to get intimidating; maybe photoshopping devil horns on your professor will help.

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Make a paper airplane and attempt Origami, those notes you took in bio were pointless anyway.

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Create a stop-motion video of the origami you made. Bring that paper to life!

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Create a soundtrack for your movie using Garage Band.

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Looks like you’re getting hungry, time to bake a cake.

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You’re out of eggs? Use it as an excuse to hit on your hot neighbor.

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Start a new Netflix series: Doctor Who, Breaking Bad, American Horror Story, the list is endless

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You’ve wasted your whole day away haven’t you? The last step in successful procrastination is going to bed. You’re the least productive when you’re passed out, take that, finals!

Voices

DAN FORKE

Why We Always Get Back Up

Reflecting on the Boston Bombings

By Kayla McCombs

My mom was the first person to tell me about the Boston Marathon bombings barely 20 minutes after they happened. Painfully enough, it was actually her Facebook status that I saw, and I knew that there was no way she could have put her sorrow into words on a social networking platform. She had spent years in Boston living with my dad, who attended Boston University in the 1980’s. The two of them used to watch the marathon from the balcony of their apartment, never once thinking that such a joyous even could be spoiled by hateful tragedy.

I contacted my dad soon after and asked if he had heard.

Although I was thankful that I didn’t have to break the news to him, I knew by the way he hardly said anything that he was paralyzed in shock. These were my own parents, heartbroken, trying to shelter precious memories from being stained by senseless violence. And this is when I realized that the people of Boston and around the world were mourning more than just loss of life and injuries.

It’s probably more than fair enough to say that the United States is sick of some of the things that have happened to our

people in the past year or so, and I hardly think I need to mention them explicitly to get my point across. This point is that people are attempting to use violence as a way of overshadowing the beauty and outstanding character of our nation.

Can we think about that for a second? I am nauseated by any city for any span of time being defined by or associated with terrorism and hatred. Those things are not Sandy Hook, they are not New York City, and they are not Boston. If you want to see how brave, passionate, and loving our teachers are, just sit in on a class. If you want to hear about how far our policemen and firemen will go for the life of another human being, just ask them, for I’m sure they have plenty of stories.

And should you need any reassurance that Boston is strong, just wear a Yankees hat in an Irish pub.

Now, if I had the honor and privilege of being a Bostonian, I would be insulted, to say the least, that these 19- and 26-year-old guys, practically babies, would have the audacity to test the strength of a classic, no-bull Northeastern city more than 15 times their age, and the equally legendary citizens who now and have always represented it. However, this country has reacted the way it should—with compassion and resilience unparalleled. You can date these characteristics back as late as you please, and I wouldn’t dare to argue, but I’ll stick within my generation and confidently say that since September 11, 2001, we as Americans have learned to become empowered in the presence of monsters.

dignity, and pride in one hair on 8-year-old Martin Richard’s head than there ever could be in the entire body of a terrorist.

I’m calling upon everyone as we grieve to realize that rising above challenges has become an innate part of being American, and to treat every moment that we haven’t surrendered to evil as a victory in honor of those recovering in hospitals or who are no longer with us.

I hope that I echo the hearts of many when I say that one of the most painful aspects of the Boston attack was that it not only took the lives of three people and scarred 300 more, but also attempted to emotionally break down the people of Boston and their supporters around the globe. I feel that especially in the past five years or so, America has become tired of flexing our muscles purely with military and law enforcement; while we take pride in those things, I think every American is searching for peace. We value ourselves and our accomplishments more because so many of them came in spite of malevolent opposition, and now the time needs to come for us to have the chance to enjoy the freedoms and happiness we have worked so hard for.

I am fiercely angry because I long for the recovery period to end. I long for the grieving to stop. I long for normal places to feel safe again. However, I know that I am safe in the arms of what Americans have become in the face of a threat: forever unified, hopeful, and righteous. May this be the face of Boston and the United States for all to see.

We could shed oceans of tears over the three dead and nearly 300 wounded in Boston last month, yet we are comforted by our unshakeable knowledge that there was more hope, love,

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The Wake Magazine proudly presents...

Q&A:

L’ASSASSINS

INTERVIEW WITH AN APOCALYPSE [Cue Ominous Music] In a world where drab flannels and plaids reign supreme, where guitars and Cadillacs have been forced into hiding and nice, safe bands dominate the airwaves with impunity...four vixens will rise from the underground to strike a blow for the future of rock ‘n’ roll. Their gang is called L’Assassins, and their uniform is black leather and leopard print stilettos. Armed with a sound powerful enough to melt faces and shatter glass-ceilings, these women are out for blood, glory, and whatever they can get.

SASHA LANDSKOV

Directed by Zach McCormick

The Wake: I like to start things out with the origin story.

How did L’Assassins begin?

Tea Simpson (Vocals): We’ve been playing out for about four years, and it was mostly just a drunken idea I had with another woman who’s not in it anymore. She went off to grad school, but we wanted to get a band together, get some chicks together, play some fuckin’ rock ’n’ roll...

We new Ariel played the bass, so we wanted to get Ariel involved. She knew Monet and she also knew Angela so she essentially made the hookup on that part. I was just the drunk person with an idea, they were like, “We can do this!”

W: How did your first, self-titled 7-inch to come together?

M: We recorded with Mike Wisti at Albatross Studios.

AC: It took a weekend. We drank lots of caffeine, no sleep,

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may 6 - august 31

pound it out.

T: We take a really long time when we record. I just talked to somebody the other day who was like, “Yo, we’ve been recording for months.” And I was like, “We did a weekend...”

Those were songs that we had been playing, the first stuff we had ever written.

AC: The sound’s evolved a lot since then, so the second album is a lot different.

more polished but I think that’s just because we’re getting better at what we do. That first 7-inch was the first lyrics I had ever written and laid to a song. Not like all the “wonderful” poetry I wrote in high school and middle school. [laughs] AC: Getting comfortable with each other too, and playing with each other.

AD: It’s more confident!

T: More ballsy?

W: How did the group change between that first 7-inch and Lovin’ on the Run? How are things different?

AC: For me it was just getting comfortable with the songs we were playing and getting comfortable doing a little more tweaking in songs, and just getting a lot crazier onstage. I think all of those things put together just kinda made us a crazier sounding band.

T: It’s a little more rock ’n’ roll, it’s a little more punk, the record hits a little harder, and I think someone said it sounds

M: The songs are faster, at least. So maybe they seem shorter?

T: But we had a couple of ballads on this one. I think it’s just really organic. Whatever’s inspiring us at the time, it shocks us sometimes what comes out. It’s not always what we expect.

AC: I don’t think there’s a clear goal in mind, music wise. It’s whatever we’re listening to, it just kinda happens and we grow with it.

T: We just wanna make good traditional Garage Rock ’n’ Roll that’s a little bit rougher, little bit tougher, that kicks some balls and that isn’t demeaning to anybody except people who don’t like to rock.

W: Of all the bands I’ve covered, y’all might have the most cohesive aesthetic I’ve seen. Is this part of the concept of the band, or more part of your personal identities?

T: I think it’s a bit of both. I pretty much dressed close to this way most of my adult life. I like the ‘60s bad girl vixen craziness. But do I go out with my eyelashes on when I’m not performing? No. M: To be fair, she pretty much looks like that all the time though.

aesthetically put together is insane.

AD: We’re providing a product, and we want to make it look as nice as we can. And we do a good job!

T: It did suck on tour. To not roll out of bed and be a dude band and just go and play.

AC: We need time to get ready and we’ve had no sleep.

AD: It’s kind of hard to put on eyelashes in the van going 60 mph...

W: You’ve also got some of the best videos to come out of this rock scene in a while as well. Can you talk about those a bit?

AC: That’s Tyler Jensen.

T: And Ariel pretty much looks like that all the time!

AC: For me it’s like who I wish I could be. I have fun because I get to dress up and have this other persona that’s been hidden down inside of me come out.

T: It’s also fun just to put on a show for people. I think it’s a whole experience. Obviously the songs have to be good, the show has to be good.

M: [Up here in the TC] It’s almost like... anti-visual, and that’s why we’re just saying, “To hell with it, we don’t care!” Like, what is wrong with actually caring about what you look like onstage?

AD: I’d say that maybe some people would think it’s a gimmick, but it’s not to me or the group. We all met in the music scene, going to shows, and we were already part of a culture, you know? We had just happened to all be into the same kind of stuff, and it just evolved.

T: And to me, coming from queer culture, if you get onstage and look boring, that’s just disgusting. Like, “Get off the stage.” That’s why I love queens.

M: He’s from here, he graduated from here and moved to NY, where he’s working with Pitchfork.tv.

AC: They’re all themed. It’s amazing. Like, B-movie themes and ‘60s mod themes.

T: Like leopard print, skull and bones, red and black, and the people in the audience were singing to our really obscure covers that we do, and most of those are from U.S. bands.

People there know the songs and sing them to us, but people here have no idea who they are.

M: The garage culture is really strong over there, especially up where we were in northern Spain.

AC: I felt like we were Justin Bieber over in Europe. Like, everyone had no idea who we were, but they came. Sometimes we’d play with other bands, but sometimes it was just us, which is odd to us, but the place would still be full of people and they’d all be dancing and having fun.

T: We got a bra thrown at us, and a shirt. Second bra, first shirt!

T: He’s perfect for us because he has that campy aesthetic.

He loves John Waters, and we just give him an idea and he runs with it. Sometimes you don’t trust him, like, “What are you putting me through right now?” But it comes out being your favorite scene. He’s got a great aesthetic, and we want that over-the-top feel, something fun to watch.

W: There was a full-on synchronized dance scene in the “Backseat Bomp” video...

M: One of the bands that we played with has this grassroots thing where they work with a record studio to film bands that come through. It was awesome, they did video and an interview for a couple of songs, so that should be coming out in a month or so.

W: What’s in store for L’Assassins fans in the future?

T: Don’t remind us!

M: We’ll be playing a lot of local festivals this summer. We have Memory Lanes Block Party, Art-a-Whirl, and Pride as well.

AC: That took a while...

AC: We’re doing a car show, Torque Fest.

T: We developed that dance, and uh…none of us are necessarily choreographers.

M: We’ll probably do a Midwest tour in September or so, and the hopefully return to Spain next year.

AC: We can dance, but we’re not professionals.

T: As soon as possible! Five fingers crossed to play “Funtastic Dracula Carnival.” It’s the biggest garage rock festival in the world, and it’s based in Spain. Literally thousands of people come to it. If they had it in the U.S., literally five people would come to it. [laughs] I want us to play it really bad, it’s my new dream!

T: So we decided we had to come up with and choreograph a dance, and teach it to people. It is about a dance... in the backseat.

AC: The... horizontal mambo? [laughs]

L’Assassins Gang Members: M: Actually, in a few weeks we’ll have a new video coming out for “Lovin’ on the Run,” that’s based on our home videos from our Spain tour.

W: How was Europe? Y’all seem to have attracted quite a bit of attention over there! How did that tour come together?

M: A touring company contacted us and said, “If you guys come over to Europe we’d love to book you guys a tour.” So we pretty much just said yes.

T: In Spain there were rock ’n’ roll bars that you would never see thrive in the U.S., like they’re crazy. The way that they’re

Tea Simpson—Vocals Monet Wong—Guitar and Vocals Ariel Dornbush—Bass and Vocals Angela Clark—Drums and Vocals Listen to their new EP on iTunes or at the Big Action Records bandcamp ...IF YOU DARE!!!

www.wakemag.org

9.

Sound & Vision

A Renaissance in Rap Music

Death of a legacy, rise of an era

By Herbert B. Ferguson-Augustus

“I’m coastin’ on a dream I’m coastin’ This one’s for you and me” -Coastin, Zion I feat. K.Flay

Rap music has been monopolized by one man, Eminem. He has sold more than 7.5 million solo albums as of 2011, three times as many as his top contenders Jay Z and Lil Wayne. He has sold 40.9 million albums total. Eminem’s fandom is so strong that he doubled his total album sales after a threeyear hiatus with the release of Relapse and Recovery.

Eminem makes bank, which made record companies more than hesitant to promote independent artists that go against the mainstream. Rising to prominence with the likes of 50 Cent and Dr. Dre following Tupac’s demise, Eminem systematized gangsta rap as mainstream. Consequently, rap music until the mid-2000’s gravitated to Eminem’s flow.

“It’s evolution toss a pebble at the devil and smile I’m rebellion while propelling freestyles”

Zion I has been coasting for little over a decade now. They only sold 160 presale tickets for their concert this past Wednesday. Still, Zion I let loose a decade’s worth of raps, rifts, and flows from True and Livin’ to Shadowboxing at the Triple Rock Social Club. The band proved itself to be in a constant state of flux, as each album bears its own individuality. Zion I responded to major changes in rap music, thus becoming the genre’s creative destruction.

Creative Destruction is Rap music. The gap in style between 2005’s True and Livin’, which boasted a jazz flare reminiscent of the new school, and ShadowBoxing, which switched the style to a simple electronic rift inspired by dubstep’s slower jams. Throughout both albums, however, rap- and R&B-oriented vocals played in balance to calming instrumentals, staying true to Zion I’s reputation. They wanted to stay in the game, so they adapted.

“Followin the trends Of a TV generation But where does it end” -Trippin, Zion I Only the monopolists of rap music can bitch-slap these evolutions, forcing their regression. By holding such a high percentage of record sales, they can perpetuate the mainstream.

Simply put, if you make bank, you dictate the rules of the genre.

However when those super stars blunder or vanish, all that repressed creativity explodes in what can only be described as a golden age.

Golden ages don’t just happen in rap music alone. In other genres, they follow the same cycle: a prominent artist falls into obscurity and their competitors rush forth to take their place.

It happened to rock music during the Beatles breakup in 1970, when a dozen rock genres ranging from metal to punk to progressive emerged. Prominent artists can inadvertently spark revolutions in music. For rock, the fall of the Beatles made room for the likes of Queen, Led Zeppelin, and Black Sabbath.

10.

may 6 - august 31

-Many Stylez, Zion I feat. Planet Asia

“Check me out I’m on the Station Comin Live with a new vibration” -Healing of a Nation, Zion I feat. the Grouch

A golden age in music is characterized by the likelihood of a new artist breaking through to mainstream audiences. Rap music has become a proving ground for musical innovation.

Since 2007, breakout artists going gold in rap music have been all too common. Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’ first album The Heist went gold and had a hit single top the charts for six weeks in a row.

By the concert’s finale, the building was filled to the breaking point. The friends and fans of opening performers Botzy and Duenday topped off an already packed house by the time Zion I took the stage. At that point presales didn’t matter; what mattered was Zion I. For that moment, people were focusing on the human being behind the music.

Since 2007, breakout artists going gold in rap music have been all too common.

During Eminem’s hiatus, however, Kanye West released Graduation, which outsold 50 Cent’s Curtis. The more progressive pop-oriented album bested its gangsta rap equivalent, effectively steering the industry away from Eminem’s legacy.

Alternative rappers like Kid Cudi, Rick Ross, Wale, and B.o.B made headway into the industry thereafter, each claiming their own share in music sales. The genre has blurred as a consequence of alternative hip-hop’s rise to prominence. Much like alternative rock, rappers drew a greater influence from jazz, rock, soul, classical, and funk in the production of music.

Unlike gangsta rap, whose code and heritage confined innovation, alternative hip-hop has no such restraint. It is creative destruction. Rap and subsequently hip-hop will soon become a vast conglomerate of musical genres. Watch The Throne grasps but doesn’t fully capture this transformation.

Eminem’s hiatus had an irreversible effect; it spawned a golden age of creativity that was just starting to take form. Man On the Moon II still went gold towards the end of that year even after Eminem released Relapse and Relapse, so consumer preferences by no means reverted.

Following its success, Kid Cudi only furthered his experimentation with the like of Indicud, which has sold 167,000 copies.

“Who’s on? And now you’re seeing what I’m seeing?

Third I focused over something human being Human Being, Zion I

3REVIEWS Purity Ring @ first ave.

By Grace Birnstengel

YEAH YEAH YEAHS

The First Avenue screen rose revealing 19 giant, white, cotton swablike cocoons hanging over the stage like Christmas lights, which lit up with each synth noise. The intro of “Amenamy” pulsated through the speakers as all attention shifted toward vocalist Megan James and her partner in crime, instrumentalist Corin Roddick.

mosquito BY sean mcsteen

The duo arrived far from empty-handed. Roddick’s synth station included a tree-shaped instrument with deformed light bulbs where the leaves should be. A tap on the bulbs produced both light and sound—giving a visualization to the songs that I was mesmerized by for the greater part of their set.

With their fourth studio album, Mosquito, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs provide fans with layered tracks that are created with a newly developed production quality, but lacks the bite that is emulated through the band’s past work. Those that have grown up on Fever to Tell will be disappointed with the lack of Karen O’s intensity and artistic craziness that was emulated through tracks like “Date with the Night” or “Phenomena.”

But, that is not to say the music on Mosquito is of poor quality. In fact, the production quality of the album is so well developed and layered together that it is the prime factor that detracts from the raw sound the Yeah Yeah Yeahs have been previously known for. Mosquito ties together tracks that are designed to highlight O’s very original singing voice, but her voice is often run through a synthesizer. The distorted vocals mixed with guitar riffs that lack an accelerating drive leave one wishing for more of what the band’s music once was.

Each track of the album is well-composed and progresses through variation of key and tempo, hypnotizing the listener with layers of sound, resulting in individuals succumbing to a trance rather than feeling every raw aspect of the YYY’s sound and being lifted by its intensity. For those seeking the gritty sound of past Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Mosquito will most likely be a disappointment, but with an appreciation for well-crafted song in a production sense, YYY’s fourth album will be a great purchase.

palma Violets 180

BY peter mariutto The debut album 180, by Palma Violets, speaks exactly to what its title alludes to, taking the listener back to a more raw and gritty time in music. With a sound similar to that of an Iggy Pop/ Joy Division combination, this album will pull on the heartstrings of those with a soft spot for hard rock.

I find the attractiveness of Palma Violets comes from their ability to portray a positive message through garage rock, a genre quite often stereotyped with that of punk and grunge to be inherently negative. This could be because of the rampant distortion, the loud drums, and that guy whose voice isn’t quite on key. I would like to assure you that you aren’t going to lose any of that with this record. However, with the addition of the sound remaining surprisingly upbeat and possessing harmonies that will make you want to grab your buddy and sing along.

James’s zombie bride look somehow complemented her self-made white dress and made me believe that she had some sort of demon growing inside of her. This demon came out when James motioned the lyrics for fan-favorite “Fineshrine”—“Get a little closer; let it fold.

Cut open my sternum and pull my little ribs around you.”

At times, James’s voice seemed far too overshadowed by processing and reverb effects. I was hoping to get a better sense of her vocal capabilities in this live setting, but it seemed that Purity Ring’s goal was to translate their music identically from the record to the stage.

Fortunately, James gave a hint of her “real” voice when singing Young Magic’s part in the song “Grandloves,” one of the highlights of the night.

All pickiness aside, this duo took the Mainroom stage by storm with confidence, intensity, and precision. For having only been around for three years and having released all of one album, James and Roddick completely tricked the crowd into thinking they have been doing this for a decade.

Although there is room to breathe on 180, tracks like “All The Garden Birds,” “Three Stars,” and “Last of the Summer Wine” contain elements of melodic relaxation, while still containing the unique flavor of the band: a somewhat psychedelic take on British blues cranked through a CB radio.

Often listeners form biased opinions based on past experience or performance. But in the case of this band, they’re only beginning to set the standard for themselves, and they’ve done a hell of a job. I found this album to be inspiring and uplifting, and that’s the honest opinion, because 180 contains the spine and the punch to knock you down, with a big enough heart to help you back up.

www.wakemag.org

11.

U. S.S .D

AI LY

Bizarro

WAKE 90’S YEARBOOK

TARA MRACHEK

SAM GORDON

MATT CERMAK

KARA HAKANSON

GRACE BIRNSTENGEL

BETH IRELAND

COURTNEY BADE

JUSTIN MILLER

ALYSSA BLUHM

KELCIE MCKENNEY

KATIE SCHALOW

THE LAUERS

www.wakemag.org

11.

Bizarro

A letter to ‘90s kids Don’t say you haven’t been warned

By Grace Birnstengel

Tweets from the ‘90s: A Lost Childhood

By Herbert B. Ferguson-Augustus

Captain Planet @CaptainPlanet Let me tell you something about fossil fuels #thekidsgrewup #PalinRyan2016 Double D @DoubleD The sale of methamphetamine is eviscerating the social integrity of the cul-de-sac! At least we are Breaking Bad #ItsaHellofaDrug #fuckthepolice

Dear ‘90s kids, You have no right to complain about anything in your life. A decade from now you will be whining to no end about how much you miss the ‘90s.

Nothing you ended up with in M.A.S.H. will ever come true. You’ll never live in a mansion, and a Volkswagen Beetle is not in your near future. Cootie catchers and mood rings are a lie too.

Don’t get too attached to any of the following: Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Mary Kate Olsen, Ashley Olsen, or Amanda Bynes. Your teen idols are nothing to be idolized.

In ten years, you will have no idea what to do with all of those beanie babies. Stop. Buying. Them. (See also: Pokemon cards) You know that girl you bought the “Best Friends Forever” jewelry set with? She’s not your best friend.

She’s not even your friend.

There will never be a better show than Recess. Don’t get your hopes up.

Tamagotchi, caller ID, and view masters will shortly become the least impressive pieces of technology ever to exist.

That Furby on your dresser has the power to kill you in your sleep. Take its batteries out now.

You will not feel nearly as sentimental as Vitamin C in the “Graduation” song on your graduation day.

The mixture of cartoon and real life footage in Space Jam is not that cool. However, “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly is that cool.

Moonboots, jellies, and toe socks are no longer considered acceptable footwear.

You currently do not understand half of the humor in Disney movies or your favorite television shows.

Topanga is not a real name. You will have to explain to your children who Topanga is. MMMBop also essentially means nothing.

Don’t throw out your old tie-dye and graphic t-shirts. You will wear them ironically in a few years.

You will never cry harder than you did when Mufasa dies in The Lion King. So don’t worry, the worst is over.

Eat as much French Toast Crunch, Rise Krispies Treats, Trix (shaped as fruit), Waffle Crisp, and Oreo-O’s cereal as you can. They won’t be around forever.

Y2K never happens and Russia is not who you should be afraid of. It’s North Korea.

Moving will become significantly easier in your near future as televisions and computer monitors will no longer weigh more than you.

Unfortunately, you cannot major in KidPix or Microsoft Paint in college.

Take each day as slowly as you can. Squeeze as many games of Bop It! and eat as many Dunkaroos as you can before this beloved decade is just a nostalgic memory.

Catch you on the flip side, Grace (a former ‘90s kid)

10.

may 6 - august 31

Red Ranger @RedRanger4real I tell the noobs this all the time but back when Power Rangers were Power Rangers, sparks were sparks, Zords were Zords, and black rangers were black #thegoodyears Sabrina Spellman @SabrinaSpell I am considering marrying my cat. Before you judge me, most men royally suck and he makes good conversation. Also, he looks great on Instagram. #must<3cats #lovestrucklolita Doug @Quailman Now Skeeter and Porkchop are gone. Patti’s still here with me but all my other friends are gone, man. Still, I tell myself I am glad I’m taking my pills #writerblock #quailmankyrptonite Goku @GokuOG Getting my GTL on, hit me up bitchez.

Sincerely yours, the Original Golden-Haired G #sorryaboutGT Johnny Bravo @JohnnyBravo Hey foxy mamas, I just got my MBA at the Carlson School. Want to see me start a fortune 500, real fast? Hoohah! #alwaysclassy Arthur @justArthur After spending the last 13 years in the third grade, I can honestly say the public school system is broken. And now a word from us kids: we’re pissed -_- #waitingforsuperman Rocko @WallabyLyfe I said G’day on the written immigration exam and now they will not renew my visa #wallabyacrosstheborder

How To Frost Your Tips:

Bizarro

A Step-by-step guide on how to look cooler than your friends By the Frost Master, Kelcie McKenney When Zach came to me looking for a “totally rad hairstyle,” I knew just the thing. Not only is this one of the coolest new looks of right now, but all of his friends will be dying to join in on this hot trend. Was I going to give him some silly haircut? As if! That’s right, you guessed it: frosted tips. Not only does Zach look great now, but so can you! Here’s your easy guide on how to get this gnarly look.

Steps: need:

Y L F SO

Bleach powder Crème developer A small brush (even a toothbrush) Plastic mixing bowl Towel Gloves Shampoo

1. Put on your gloves.

2. Mix the bleach and crème developer together in your mixing bowl. Follow the directions on the back of the box.

3. Using the small brush, spread the mixture on the ends of your hair, covering no more than half of the hair. Start near the front and work your way back.

4. Double check the hair and make sure there is enough bleach to ensure the desired level of blond.

5. Let the hair sit for approximately 30 minutes.

6. Once it is blond enough for your liking, rinse it out and wash your hair thoroughly.

7. Dry, and enjoy how freaking bangin’ you look with your wicked new ‘do.

Frosted Tips Testimonial:

"Dude!

I never thought I could look this dope.

Thanks for the rad style.

Frosted tips are so sick."

- Zach McCormick

www.wakemag.org

9.

By Beth Ireland In elementary school we chose sides, but in the heat of the moment it was difficult to objectively judge which one was the better group. Also, we were like seven years old then.

BUT NOW The Wake decides the BEST BOY BAND EVER.

s y o B t e e r Backst

vs. *NSYNC

DAN FORKE

DAN FORKE

“I Want It That Way”

Biggest Hit

“Bye Bye Bye”

“Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely”

Best Slow Jam

“This I Promise You”

“Shape of My Heart” and “As Long As You Love Me”

Other Goodies

“Tearin’ Up My Heart” and “It’s Gonna Be Me”

Song: “It’s Christmas Time Again” 100 million 5: Brian, AJ, Howie, Nick, Kevin

Christmas Release Albums Sold Number of Members

Album: Home for Christmas 28 million 5: Justin, JC, Chris, Joey, and Lance

Brian, Nick, and AJ take lead roles evenly

Singing Ability

Justin and JC take lead vocals evenly

Used slower, less complicated moves

Dancing Ability

Typically used more complicated dance moves

Edgy Bad Boys

Band Branding

Pop Divos

Paris Hilton Aaron Carter

Famous Girlfriend Famous Family Member

Britney Spears N/A

Nick Carter beating his girlfriend/drug use

Biggest Scandal

Lance Bass was gay OMG (not)

Brian (IRL Ryan Atwood)

Hottest Member

Justin Timberlake (frosted tips 4eva)

Kevin Nick Carter Sabrina the Teenage Witch (season 2)

Forgotten Member (nobody wins points, wah-wah) Solo Career Success TV Show Appearance

Chris Justin Timberlake (duh) Sabrina the Teenage Witch (season 3)

Reality TV Appearance

Joey Fatone placed 2nd in season 4 and Lance Bass placed 3rd in season 7 of “Dancing with the Stars”

Promotional Appearance

Chili’s (I want my baby back baby back baby back!)

”If you want it to be wild/Gotta know just who to dial baby (that’s me)”

Lyrical Miracles

“I wanna drown in your love/Lead me to your water /Let it flow, (let it flow)/Just let it flow, baby”

The whole group voiced characters on Arthur

Foray Into Acting

Joey Fatone in “My Big Fate Greek Wedding” (srsly), but actually it’s JT in “The Social Network”

Nick Carter starred in “House of Carters” Burger King

Howie (1/2 Puerto Rican) ”Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” ”Best Selling Boy Band of All Time”

12

Minority Representation Best Music Video

Chris (vaguely Latino?)

“Bye Bye Bye”

Triumph

Justin Timberlake

TOTAL

11

*NSYNC may have been a pop sensation that produced Justin Timberlake (for which we’re all grateful), but the Backstreet Boys had a greater amount of fantastic songs, better overall vocal ability, just got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and, best of all, they’re still together.

BACKSTREET WINS! KTBSPA!!!!

Bizarro

The Clinton Kama Sutra

By Barry McCockinner In the wake of the recent scandal involving some sexytime between Bill Clinton and White House intern Monica Lewinsky, many have questioned Clinton’s private life and just exactly what else happens in the oval office.

Well, while evidence pertaining to the Lewinsky affair was being gathered, the following previously unreleased document was found in one of the drawers of Bill’s desk and looks to have been created by him. It turns out that Bill is more of a sexual deviant than anyone really expected, so much so that he created his own list of sex positions, complete with diagrams, which he calls “The Clinton Kama Sutra.” The following content is both shocking and surprisingly arousing, so proceed with caution.

1 2

The Washington Monument: The male lover lays supine in the love nest and after much admiration of the male’s statuesque phallus by the female, she mounts his “monument” and proceeds to sway back and forth like some amber waves of grain while reciting “America, the Beautiful.”

The Tipper: This one is a favorite of Vice President Al Gore and his wife, Tipper Gore.

While in the missionary position with the man on top, the male lover carefully inserts the tip of his member into the female lover’s naughty parts retracting once the tip has been thoroughly engulfed. Repeat at varying paces for maximum pleasure.

3

The Inaugu-oral Address: Give your lover a love note to read aloud. However, before she starts to read, insert your member into her mouth and enjoy the tantalizing and foreign sensations as your lover’s vocal cords and mouth shapes work in conjunction to stimulate and pleasure you in ways you never thought possible.

4

The Wash-My-Dong D.C.: This slippery sexcapade requires a little water and a whole lot of shower space. Get nakey nakes with your lover, hop in the shower and turn on the water. The female stands behind the male, reaching around to lather his phallus with the desired variety of body wash and makes sure to rub it in until it’s squeakyclean.

www.wakemag.org

7.

Bizarro

Growing Up With Dawson & Friends What We’ve Lost Since The Creek

By Tyler Lauer

Global warming is a very millennial problem, solidified with Al Gore’s 2006 documentary An Inconvenient Truth. We have seen the effects of intensifying weather systems, what with Superstorm Sandy becoming the second most costly hurricane for the U.S. after Katrina. Sandy even took out Capeside, Massachusetts!

Okay, so Capeside isn’t a real town, it’s the fictional setting of Dawson’s Creek; but if it were actually real, it would have been hit by 80+ mph winds and terrible flooding, not to mention a ravaged seaside.

So what does this have to do with the beloved teen soap opera? With the exception of The O.C. (seasons 1-3, which seem like holdovers of the 90’s charm without the ridiculous clothes), we’ve failed as a country to provide the youth of today with quality teen entertainment. It’s all quasi-lovable monsters: The Vampire Diaries, Twilight, Teen Mom, Glee… I mean, who can relate to that shit?

From the first shots in the pilot episode of Dawson’s Creek, we are invited into the instantly familiar teenage setting of watching a movie alone with a girl. Today’s kids may see some similarity, but guys and girls don’t watch movies together anymore—they “watch movies.” Today, kids just queue-up Game of Thrones on Netflix and fuck away. In Dawson’s Creek, they still rent VHS tapes.

6.

may 6 - august 31

Dawson’s had it all: pre-Tom Cruise Katie Holmes, postMighty Ducks Joshua Jackson, and pre-ironichipster James Van Der Beek. That, along with enough sexual references in the first episode to actually capture the borderline mentally handicapped minds of horny teenagers.

What Dawson’s understood that shows today don’t is that, for teen soaps, the opposite

want to show their audiences explicit sexual situations and provocative violence, when what works best in Dawson’s is the characters’ obsession with talking about these situations. Sure, there is a healthy dose of punching and sex (spoiler alert: in the first episode, Joshua Jackson’s character gets a black eye, and in the third he gets it on, on-screen, with his teacher). But if we’re honest with ourselves, our teenage lives were more talk, obsession, and anxiety than action.

Then there’s the music. Can you even imagine a show today having a theme song that 1) isn’t somehow associated with EDM or 2) talks about husbands ravaged by war who can never love in the same way again? Or how about juxtaposing The Pretenders’ “I’ll Stand

by You” with Van Der Beek admitting he whacks it to Katie Couric? The 90’s were weird.

Anyone who’s seen the show knows that Dawson is a wannabe-Spielberg who openly admits he “rejects reality.” I think he’s just clairvoyant, already rejecting the regurgitated, refried puke that is “reality TV.” If there were ever a program that Tyler Lauer showcased the epitome of adolescent mania, it was Dawson’s Creek—giving an onscreen voice to what you can’t quite articulate of “Show, Don’t Tell” applies. In writing, between the ages of 13 and 19. If you ever forget what you use this rule in order to get the audience to it’s like to be as demented as you were, watch Dawson’s. I create the image of the scene in their minds without simply predict the generation that doesn’t identify with Dawson’s stating the facts. Shows geared at teens today seem to Creek will be the world’s last.

Bizarro

Life Lessons with Mr. Feeny Feeny! Fee-hee-hee-heenay! talks about love, life, and how to get an A in History.

By Katie Askew George Feeny is more than a character on our favorite family sitcom. He is a teacher, a friend, and someone who provides answers to life’s toughest questions. Since we have watched Mr. Feeny and the rest of the gang from Boy Meets World for years, The Wake sat down with our favorite history teacher to get some answers and “advice.”

The Wake: Give us the inside scoop on Cory and Topanga. Is this a real relationship or are we being duped?

Feeny: It’s real. You can’t tell Cory and Topanga what to do— I’ve been trying to do that since they were in the first grade.

I remember when I tried to separate their desks. She kicked

me, he bit me, and some little punk kept saying, “Leave ‘em alone. They should get married.” And they did.

selfies, and Instagram pictures of your dinner. Shame on you.

You deserve what you get.

W: Has their relationship inspired you to settle down? Any hot teacher-ladies on your radar? Spill.

W: Yikes. Any final words of wisdom?

F: I believe that when you find love, you hold on to it and cherish it because there is nothing finer, and because it may never come again. But no, no babes right now.

F: I realize that all you college kids are delicate adolescent flowers just beginning your blooming reality, so I say this with utmost sensitivity: If you let people’s perception of you dictate your behavior, you will never grow as a person. YOLO bro.

W: Then what do you do in your free time?

F: In the course of your education, you have been taught to look for the right answer. But you also must know that in life, many times, the right answer is that there isn’t one.

W: Is that your way of saying you have no social life?

F: Go read a book.

W: Okay. I’m failing history, can you tutor me?

F: Gutenberg’s generation thirsted for a new book every six months! Your generation gets a new website every six seconds, and how do you use this technology? To creep your ex-boyfriends and girlfriends on Facebook, Snapchat ugly SAM GORDON

The Hardest Decision of Your Life: Bulbasaur, Charmander, or Squirtle?

By Kayla McCombs

Time and time again, we are all forced to make a tough choice before we start our Pokemon adventure: which of the three starters should we choose? Are they all equal? Here’s the breakdown of the pros and cons of each of ‘em.

Charmander:

Squirtle:

Charmander certainly looks the coolest (lizards, hell yeah!), and this sucker has great stats, beating out the other two in speed and attack. While it won’t do you any good in the beginning of the game because of type weaknesses, Charizard is a must for the Elite Four, as comparable fire-types are basically nonexistent. Unfortunately, like Bulbasaur, Charmander has to wait for good fire-type moves. To make the most of this starter, take advantage of the sweet TMs it can learn, such as Hyper Beam, and save room to teach it Fly.

Squirtle, Wartortle, and Blastoise are great Pokemon; watertypes are rare early in the game, and it’s only really weak to electric and grass-types, making it a sturdy member of your team. You can also teach them Surf when you get it, my personal favorite HM, which does wonders in battle. However, Wartortle evolves late, as does Charmeleon, and aside from the surfing ability, water-types lose their edge towards the end of the game. With Squirtle’s average stats, you could just wait to get Lapras.

Bulbasaur: Bulbasaur and its evolved forms are the strongest grass-type Pokemon in the game, and grass itself is extremely beneficial. It’s strong against some of the toughest types, such as rock and water, and Bulbasaur can easily walk you through the first two gyms with its high defense and Vine Whip. Plus, the HM (Hidden Machine, a taught move that is reuseable) Cut is an obvious choice and is surprisingly useful in battle.

The negatives? This starter will consistently get rocked hard by your rival’s team (he gets beat out by Charizard, Pidgeot, and Alakazam) and doesn’t get any super-impressive moves until late in the game unless you use the one-time-only TMs.

www.wakemag.org

5.

All that and a bag of chips!

Slayin ’ My Heart:

Life and Death on the Oregon Trail

Buffy Finishes Third Season on The WB

By Matthew Cermak, 1st Grader

When Mrs. Applebee led us to the discovery lab, I was elated.

The Apple II is radical. But I had no idea of the horrors that awaited.

As a first grader, I understand that life is about choices.

Choices are what keep you alive and choices are what kill you. Survival depends on choosing the right path. Enter The Oregon Trail, the ultimate pioneer exploration-simulator available on the market today.

Created by Minnesota Educational Computer Co., The Oregon Trail contains perils in every direction. But the other direction that matters is the unforgiving West.

Players choose between role-playing as a banker, carpenter or a drunkard from Wisconsin. For my wagon leader, I chose Drunky. Aided by The Oregon Trail’s stunning VGA graphics, I could make out his bell-bottoms and instantly identified his past as a dancer.

I named him Disco. He was accompanied by DJ-FUNK, 80085, PIZZA and the WAGONBOT. It was 1848. I knew the simulation was going to demand everything of my 1st grade mind.

I didn’t know anything about calendars, but I chose to leave in May. I was also given 400 dollars for whatever I wanted at Matt’s General Store. My math skills were tested to their limits, as I foolishly chose to focus on bullets.

The Kansas River was my first test. I forded it, knowing that its 2.9 meters was nothing for my whiskey-hardened crew.

But the trail taketh, I lost 2 oxen and DJ-FUNK broke his arm.

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may 6 - august 31

By Sara Glesne

By May 30, I was at Fort Kearney. I was out of food and my crew was losing faith. DJ-FUNK broke his other arm. Given our dire food supply, we surely would have eaten DJ-FUNK, but there was no option to do so.

I thought of asking Mrs. Applebee for help, but she had no concept of life on the trail.

Wild fruit and stories of women back home kept us going, but just barely. PIZZA had dysentery, 80085 was exhausted, and worst of all, Disco had a fever.

To curb Disco’s fever, we rested. But it wasn’t long before PIZZA died. The grief was all my 1st grade heart could handle. Letting out a single tear, I cursed at the ceiling panels above me. PIZZA was a good man. The best.

DJ-FUNK had cholera. He was dead long before I could ask what Cholera was. WAGOTBOT passed quietly in sleep mode. 80085 wasn’t looking so hot either. Those bullets I bought were looking like an easy way out. Instead, I rested nine days and faced reality. Disco had a fever, and then disco had died. I immediately went to find a safe adult to talk to.

For its grim realism, The Oregon Trail receives 5 dead pioneers out of 5.

Newcomer Joss Whedon’s series Buffy: The Vampire Slayer features a SoCal teen leading a wild life, but it sure ain’t something out of “Clueless.”

Whedon has been praised by some for his spin on the “damsel in distress” archetype all too common to vampire and superhero media offerings. Sarah Michelle Gellar plays the titular slayer. At a glance, Buffy Summers may look like your stereotypical high school cheerleader (after all, she did try out), but no ill-intentioned soul would like to run across this petite blonde in a dark alleyway.

As a high school girl struggling to make sense of French homework, her relationship with her mother, her on-againoff-again centuries-old boyfriend, and her duty to knock off demons and vampires alongside all that, Buffy’s life is an exaggerated example of the high-stress existence most teens put up with these days.

Ok, she’s a parallel to most teens except for maybe the whole calling to defend the world from the forces of darkness thing. But Buff performs her duty with wit and charm, and even while wearing “stylish-yet-affordable” boots.

I’ve taken fashion advice from watching the slayer show off an impressive array of miniskirts, tiny backpacks, and up-dos while not losing her head in a pair-up against four vamps.

But the more important thing I’ve taken away from Buffy is someone to look up to. The fact that she stays close with the Scoobies (her best buds Xander, Willow, and arguably Cordelia) through it all is central to Buffy’s success as the slayer and as a character with real depth.

What’ll she do next—take on Dracula? I know I’ll be watching when season 4 comes out this fall.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

When The Wake asked me to be the guest editor for their super rad ‘90s issue, I’ll admit I was a bit skeptical at first. You see, ever since I got punk’d by Ashton Kutcher and cried a river on television, I just haven’t been able to trust people like I used to. And then I had to make sure they weren’t mistaking me for that guy from Napster, because that’s been happening a lot lately, too.

But this issue of The Wake is bringing sexy back almost better than I ever did. There’s a guide to frosting your own tips, which I wish I had back in my ‘N Sync days. (I should warn you though, it will probably work out better if you have a friend to help. Shout out to Lance Bass for keeping me frosty in the ‘90s!)

Bizarro idol and role model. I might be in my thirties, but his advice still gets me through my relationship problems. I can only hope that one day I will be as wise and alluring as he is. But currently I’m living in the shadow of “Dick In A Box,” so that probably won’t be happening anytime soon.

Anyway, I love being here in Minnesota, guest-editing The Wake. People just assumed that all the sexy songs I wrote for The 20/20 Experience were about my senorita, J-Biels, but it was really about you, Wake readers. I’ll keep putting out new music as long as you keep reading The Wake.

I’m just a j-j-j-j-junkie for The Wake. <3

Justin Timberlake There’s also an interview with Mr. Feeny, my Guest Editor

NEW! Circuits Are US All of the latest technology at the lowest prices!

Disclaimer: This is the Bizarro issue! All content in this half of the issue is satirical and fictional, even when mentioning real people, events, and things. Some content not suitable for people under 18.

www.wakemag.org

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may 6 - august 31

“A WAKE UP CALL TO THE WORLD” -the minnesota daily

“TWO THUMBS UP” -city pages

the

fortnightly student magazine

starring

The ‘90s

WARnING! This critically acclaimed magazine is for mature audiences only. parental discretion is advised.