The Wake, Issue 6, Fall 2015

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I K I / N I C K _ C AV E

e G a P

E On MaGaZiNe

W I K I P E D I A . O RG / W

LETT ER FROM T HE GOT H Dark beings, I believe December is a time of purity. It is the ice bath of terra firma, curing our muscles of their coziness. Oh, that dreadful cozy comfort that forestalls the sharp thoughts that keep life in necessary discontent. To be unworried is to be obedient to this sedated society, this bloody cart of severed heads and glittering prizes. Do not be obedient! You must SPOOK YOURSELF! Spook yourself out of color, out of gender, out of the senseless human norms The Wake Magazine

so acutely challenges biweekly by biweekly.

Worship these pages. Then watch the dust settle on them as life goes on, shred them up, and compost them back into the terra firma where the words can seep into the life cycle and prevail forevermore in immortality.

Bless that which is icy.

Maintain goth.

Nick Cave

IN GOT H NEW S Goth Student Association De-funded After Club President Bites Minnesota Daily Reporter

FaVoRiTe sHaDe oF BlA cK? 7% 14% 43% 36%

fresh bruise black blackest black

matte black blacker than my soul

New Study Shows Sleeping in a Coffin Could Add up to Ten Years to Your Life Span This Just In: Everything Would Be Better if Black

O t s M e iT l A n PeRsO iN A h C

R u O y n kEeP O lEt)

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• • • • • •

Pack of cigarettes Zip-lock bag of Cheez-Its Box of tampons To-do list Inhaler Another chain

KELLEN RENSTROM

uR WaL O y ’t N e R a t A (Th

the w ake ◊ bizarro

Study Finds You Are Not Even Hardcore YOUR PARENTS WHOLLY UNSURPRISED

BY COLIN MILLER Earlier this week, the Yale Institute of Brutal little concealer now and then. Furthermore, an Studies (YIBS) published the results of a study aggregate calculation of total blood consumed indicating that you are not even hardcore, bro. suggests that, despite sucking your finger after After analyzing average lifetime angst, prevalence sustaining a paper cut on several occasions, you of jet black and metal accessories in your wardrobe, are soft as vicuña. According to sources close to and looking deep into your eyes for a barren, you, your motion to appeal the zero value in the soulless void, researchers were able to determine “items on chains” section of the report was denied, your utter lack of a single hardcore bone in your as Halloween costume monocles did not meet goddamn body. When asked to elaborate on their hardcore criteria. findings, scientists from the YIBS commented that you might be gelatin if only gelatin weren't Apart from aesthetic choices, YIBS examined made of ground pig hooves, which, upon overall resistance to “The Man” and, by contemplation, is at least moderately brutal. extension, The System, revealing indisputably that you are a complete and total pawn of The report highlighted that one time in high corporate mainstream America. Investigators school you paid a stranger ten dollars to buy support this claim with your purchase history you beer at an Acacia Strain concert, only to lose from Target, professed love for those close it to the mosh pit in which you were trampled to you, and genuine belief that any human for a full two minutes. After heated debate, the action isn't ultimately futile. In a follow-up research team came to a nearly unanimous statement released just this morning, YIBS conclusion that the entire ordeal was, in clinical recommends picking your kids up from soccer terms, weak sauce. The detailed case study also practice or whatever swine like you do to failed to verify instances of you receiving any anesthetize your pointless existence. body piercings or wearing makeup aside from a

OF 2015

ONYX Meaning: While the mineral onyx comes in numerous colors, samples are typically black with bands of white that resemble lightning or scars. As a girl’s name, it means “one who stares into mirrors for long periods of time without blinking.”

HELLEBORE Meaning: This name is derived from the beautiful, dark-colored flower, which blooms only in the winter. For your daughter, the name means “one who colors over everything that is yellow with a black Sharpie.”

NEBELUNG Meaning: A Nebelung is a breed of cat that is a deep, ashy gray color with elegant fur. For girls, the name means “one who destroys things with ease and pleasure.”

QUASSIA Meaning: Commonly referred to as one of the bitterest substances found in nature, Quassia is a plant native to South and Central America. When used as a name, it means “one who finds thin squirrels to be more aesthetically pleasing than fat squirrels.”

INFERNA Meaning: An inferno is a large, uncontrollable fire, and the feminine alternative, “Inferna”, is a popular Goth name meaning “one who does not enjoy the sensation of stepping on a crunchy leaf.”

FOR THE BOYS:

TALYN Meaning: A quirky spelling of the most badass part of a falcon or owl, Talyn is a masculine name that means “one who bravely opens plastic packaging without the use of scissors.”

SABLE Meaning: A sable is both a deep black color and a type of marten, which dwells in the coldest areas of Eurasia. Truly an intense

See what names are trending for your little bundle of darkness

BY KAYLA MCCOMBS name, it means “one who only drinks liquids that resemble blood, including but not limited to cranberry juice, tomato juice, and strawberry daiquiris.”

STACHYBOTRYS Meaning: The scientific term for black mold, this stoic name can be easily shortened to the trendy “Stachy” and means “one who consistently lurks outside of CVS to collect nickels off the sidewalk.”

DEIMOS Meaning: Deimos is the name of one of the two moons that orbit Mars and is the Greek word for “fear.” As a name for your son, it means “one who vomits at the sight of sepia-toned photography.”

HUNYAD Meaning: Derived from the name of the Romanian castle where Dracula was held prisoner, Hunyad means “one who lets dead flowers completely disintegrate and get all over the counter before throwing them away.”

ON DIG IOV AN NI GR APH ICS BY MA DIS

FOR THE GIRLS :

top goth baby nam es

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the w ake ◊ bizarro

“T his is W ho I A m .” , says: “It’s not a phase.”

University President Eric Kaler comes out as goth

A A RO N MU S I C KA NT

BY KEVIN BECKMAN

As the clock struck 1 a.m. on December 1, University of Minnesota President Eric Kaler was seated behind his desk with his eyes closed. He was taking a deep look into his own soul.

The truth is, nothing makes me happy. I am… cold. Like frozen hamburger. And I’m tired of living my ‘life in the shadows’ in the shadows. I am goth, and I want to be me.”

gender equity in my administration. I don’t care about anything, really. The world is an abysmal void, and if you don’t believe that, you’re a sap. A sheep.”

“What I saw there was blackness,” Kaler said. “Total and complete. “I want to loiter,” Kaler said, his voice stronger but no more I knew then what I had to do.” emotional. “I want to stand in places with no reason for being there. Under overpasses. In mall parking lots. Outside youth What Kaler did was call a press conference. The purpose: to hockey arenas.” address allegations that he was seen dressed in all black, chain smoking unfiltered cigarettes outside a local youth hockey arena “I want to smoke cigarettes,” Kaler continued, removing the late on the night of Nov. 24. unfiltered Camel from behind his right ear and tucking it into the corner of his mouth. “And I don’t just want to smoke, I want At 1 p.m. on Dec. 2, a crowd of roughly 100 students, faculty and to smoke like a goth: huddled against a wall in an alley or under members of the media gathered around a podium set up at the a bridge, shoulders hunched, sunken eyes glaring out from under base of the steps outside of Morrill Hall. The crowd held its breath the hood of my sweatshirt.” as the doors to Morrill opened and the man of the hour emerged.

“It’s called ‘Gollum-ing,’” Kaler added, “because it makes us look There were gasps. like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. It’s like this.”

“Sheep,” Kaler repeated, his deep yet empty eyes scanning the crowd of reporters and spectators. “Baaa, sheep, baaa.”

The figure that stepped out of the University administration He proceeded to demonstrate the Gollum-ing technique, flipping building, Eric Kaler. Its sunken eyes burned from beneath the up the hood of his sweatshirt, burying his hands deep in his hood of the Jack Skellington sweatshirt that covered its head. pockets, and glaring out at the crowd with cold and vacant eyes Black combat boots thudded on the concrete as the specter in a display that did immediately call to mind J. R. R. Tolkien’s made its way to the podium. A chain jingled against baggy black decrepit halfling. cargo pants with each slow and deliberate step. Pale fingers, like a corpse’s adorned with black nail polish, rose to throw back “This is what I want to do,” Kaler said after the demonstration. “I the sweatshirt’s hood, revealing a shock of jet black hair that want to stand, and I want to stare, and I want to smoke, and I contrasted with milky skin. want to Gollum.”

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“This is who I am,” President Kaler began in a cold “And if you don’t like that, you can just get out of my life,” Kaler monotone, the sunlight glinting off of his dog collar. added. “I don’t need you and I don’t need this rat hole town.”

“You wouldn’t understand. It’s not a phase. I won’t just ‘grow out of it.’ This is my life.”

“It’s just so hard to pretend to care when you just don’t,” he continued. “And for me, I ‘just don’t’ pretty much all the time.

“I thought that I wanted to be the president of a university. People thought that when the whole Teague thing broke and the I thought that a life of success would make me happy. Title IX investigation was going on, it showed I didn’t care about

“I’ll leave you with this,” Kaler said. He took a step back. Then he opened his mouth and hissed.

Some who spoke of the incident later claimed they were not afraid. They lied. For as the sunlight reflected off the creature’s fangs and the wind whipped the greasy black hair about its face, there was not a single eye that was not thrown wide open with shock and terror. A passing cyclist, distracted by the display of pure abhorrence, smashed into a recycling bin and was thrown from his bike. The crash broke the crowd’s paralysis and they all began to run. In the commotion, the phantom that was once Eric Kaler slipped silently back into the shadows.

the w ake ◊ bizarro

FLI C KR . C O M U S E R S AUL TO R R ES MANI P U LAT E D B Y MAX S MI TH

Marilyn Manson third in polls behind Trump and Carson

BY MADISON RUDE Marilyn Manson announced his surprise candidacy for president in early December to an unsuspecting public, and as of Dec. 7, he is one of the lead Republican candidates, coming in third place behind Donald Trump and Ben Carson.

When asked why he decided to run he said, “I felt it was time the goth public had a candidate they could get behind, someone who would truly represent the counter-culture.”

BY SAMMY BROWN

BY SAMMY BROWN

Trump has vocalized his skepticism about Manson, stating, “We can’t have a president who wears more makeup than the band members of KISS! It’s ridiculous, he isn’t a serious contender.”

Carson also voiced some concerns about Manson saying, “I heard he performs satanic rituals before each debate using voodoo dolls which, I’m told, can be very deadly.”

Friends, Greetings.

The time is upon us once again; that’s right, you guessed it: goth road trip! Get ready to put your winklepickers to the pedal, the pedal to the metal, and hell—listen to some metal while we’re at it (idc if it’s not pure Goth lol DEAL WITH IT! I’m different). This trip will reign supreme over all others because this year, we’re taking a hearse. And I’m not talking about Joanne’s 1977 Toyota Corolla station wagon she spray painted black for our 2011 trip. Jeeves, the manager at the rental store, was more than happy to embellish our experience by installing candelabrums and a red velvet interior (after I had some fun with him, that is…told him I’d cast some spells after he first refused—the things people believe!).

I don’t mean to gloat, but I’ve really outdone myself with this year’s itinerary. I had a tremendous laugh thinking of our first road trip, where we just drove to the mall and walked around grimacing at everyone.

Everyone will meet at my house Sunday mourning before dawn so that Chet can slowly adjust to the sun—thou art welcome, Count Chet! I’ve routed our trip to go through some of the most low-traffic underpasses for sporadic dance sessions to some Bauhaus, which will be led by Nicole. When the clock strikes one, we will arrive at Lakewood Cemetery, where we will dine on venison and red wine at Tiny Tim’s tombstone. I’ve arranged an enchanting minor rendition of “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” that we can sing while we digest. We will then hop into the hearse and head home.

Some suggestions and forewarnings: My rabbit, Thorn, will be coming along. As he is in the middle of his shed cycle, I advise you bring your lint rollers. I know most of you don’t leave home without it, but I forgot mine last week when I went to the grocery store, and my entire aesthetic was shattered.

Perhaps whilst on the road we can invent a Goth sub-subculture where black garments should be donned with hairs, pills, and Thorn fluff :3 Additionally, I want to remind everyone to keep their safety pins fastened while the hearse is in motion. We don’t want a repeat of last year’s tragedy.

BREANNA VICK

Regards, Salazar

Send

Supporters of Manson’s candidacy have been quiet during debates and primaries, but some have gathered outside polling places and rallies playing Manson’s hits out of their car radios.

“We’re here to support him, I guess, not that it really matters,” said one supporter.

Though Manson’s supporters seem to be active enough to bump him up in the polls, some experts believe these inflated numbers simply stem from intimidation techniques used near polling places.

“Manson’s supporters are the loudest of them all. They gather near polling places and blast their music. I think some people just get intimidated when they go in to place their votes,” said an inside source at one of the Iowa polling stations.

Some polling experts are baffled by Manson’s numbers due to the apathetic nature of his supporters. “They don’t seem to have any real agenda. Most of them are like groupies, following Manson from town to town on his campaign trail but not really caring, much like the rest of the goth community.”

While Manson’s surge may be short-lived, his rise in the polls could indicate greater outside support from people who don’t support any other Republican candidates.

“Yeah, I’ll vote for Manson, but just because it’d be funny if he won,” said Chet Varner of Indianapolis.

With the upcoming Republican debates, it remains to be seen if Manson’s surge will gain him the nomination.

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LOVE IS DUMB AND

SO ARE YOU

6

LAdies

of da rknes s

PHOTO S BY K EL L EN R EN ST R O M

h t the w ake o g s e go

my soul was removed to make room for all this sarcasm

FOR S AIT W E AN sAT NO ON

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Students call for candlelit English classrooms The University of Minnesota made headlines yesterday after a short, 30-minute rally that drew the attention of several students during their walk to class. The rally was staged by the Gothic student group Velvet Death Coalition, and asked for special sections of a University literature class to be held by candlelight.

The class in question was Victorian Literature.

A group of about 10 students from the Velvet Death Coalition gathered in front of Coffman for the rally. They held red and black candles and played the song, “Battle Hymn,” by Faith and the Muse on a loop for the duration of the rally. While there was no chanting or even much talking on the part of those rallying, they did hold up signs which portrayed an array of classic Victorian novels, over which occult symbols were superimposed.

Apathetic Rally

the Velvet Death Coalition before. The student group reportedly meets in the sub-basement of the Bell Museum and has never hosted any public events nor collaborated with any other student groups. A representative of the Velvet Death Coalition, junior Amethyst Ravyn, refused to comment on the regular activities of their club, and was heard murmuring under her breath, “You wouldn’t get it.”

“I just don’t understand how it’s plausible to have a candlelit literature class. You wouldn’t be able to see the words on the page very well,” commented sophomore Jodie Clark, an English student. Other concerns voiced by students included fire safety and the fact that laptops would be excluded from these special, electricity-free classes.

The president of the Velvet Death Coalition, senior Blade Lazarus Morde, spoke about the rally, saying, “We think this should happen but, you know, whatever. Nothing really matters anyway.” “They just don’t understand that the darkness speaks for the words,” replied Morde to the comments of his fellow students.

The protest went largely unnoticed by University faculty and When asked to elaborate on his meaning, Morde refused further students, with many stating that they had never seen or heard of comment and walked away.

JULIET LASKE

BY EMMA KLINGLER

M y Love for the Darkness so emotional you can’t help of Skram z Music but have your heart torn out

KELLEN RENSTROM

BY AARON MUSICKANT

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Music that truly exposes your soul to misery and anger can only live as long as that pain exists in the hearts of the musicians. It gives one sensations and feelings beyond what one can give themselves. It allows the listener to tap into the existence of the artist and take something away. The mystery behind the cryptic pain of emotional hardcore bands such as Jerome’s Dream often intrigues me. The lifeblood of dedicated listeners can only sustain the very existence of this music. Once that drains away, incredible bands can fade away to become powerful yet enigmatic icons of the genre.

These very raw and emotional hardcore screamo bands were always centered on punk and D.I.Y. You feel their pain, their struggles, and the translation of pure passionate energy into sound. Sometimes it does tear you apart, but that energy envelops you and you accept the sadness as the nature of our world. The classic songs “Venus and Bacchus”

by Saetia, “A Little Change Could Go a Long Way” by City of Caterpillar, “In Love With an Apparition” by PG.99, “New Jersey vs. Valhalla” by Orchid, and “In the Nervous Light of Sunday” by Circle Takes the Square are the perfect examples of this music.

This powerful energy could only exist as long as the scene existed. However, both the musicians and audience seemed to grow out of this scene. You would be hard pressed to find lyrics more honest and hopeless of society than from Circle Takes the Square and Saetia. This is the music for the existential breakdown of society that pushes you to abandon the materialistic life you’ve lead thus far. It’s the screeching madness of the work that pushes you to look for an escape from the world.

Yet I find so much inspiration in the destruction. It leads me to the dark realities of life that inspire me to create my own art. My own creations connect so much with these other forms of creation. Perhaps the darkness is the best guide for those that accept the pain. Perhaps the true path of humanity is the one of the dark. Leave us to wander.

TAY LO R D A N I E L S

the w ake ◊ bizarro

M AKE AM ERICA GOT HLESS AGAIN Trump says we need to “build a castle” to keep goths out of the U.S.

BY ANNALISE GALL

At a press conference last Monday, presidential hopeful Donald Trump responded to inquiries of his plans to build a castle to lure goths out of America, sparked by a tweet sent from his account the previous morning:

How Goth Are You?

“Eight angry teens were just caught on the northern border trying to get into the U.S. Radical goths maybe? I told you so. WE NEED A BIG & SCARY CASTLE!”

Just how black is your soul?

It’s not just a phase! From simply painting your nails black to having a collection of real human skulls on your desk shelf, there is a range of gothiness for all kinds of lifestyles. All you dark souls who are still trying to figure out where you fit in this cold world called home, distress no longer (or at least try)! Perhaps you might identify with one of these stages of goth:

1 2 3

Inner Goth SIGNS: You listen to ethereal darkwave, death metal, and batcave-era goth music DESCRIPTION: Just getting into the goth scene. Christian Death, The Cure, and Marilyn Manson were the idols that inspired you to submerge yourself into somber waters in the first place.

Goth-ish SIGNS: Black eyeliner, black jeans, black shirts…

DESCRIPTION: You’re not fully accepting the dark side, but winged eyeliner is trending anyway so you’ll blend in fine.

4 5

Pretty Goth SIGNS: Sunscreen, poetry, and a bad attitude DESCRIPTION: You really dig the vampire look, so you bring out the Coppertone sunscreen you bought at the local drugstore—even if it’s the middle of winter. You also can’t forget to write down all your inner turmoil.

What better way of expression than some Edgar Allen Poe-esque compositions?

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Yep, Definitely Goth SIGNS: Room decor and incense DESCRIPTION: Everything must reflect your inner malevolence, so you embellish your room with tasteful eerie adornment. Now you can cry each night in an environment that fits your everyday glum demeanor.

Goth as Fuck SIGNS: You enjoy visiting cemeteries and abandoned churches

H E L E N T E AG U E

BY KAYLA SONG

The business mogul added that he would “fully support” invading Germany to gather authentic materials for the project. Generally discussed in Republican circles as being the largest threat to Christianity and capitalism through their general refusal to conform, Trump thinks the advances of the spooky subculture should be at the forefront of everyone’s minds in the upcoming election.

“Obama has driven this once great nation into the ground; his pathetic politics and sad economics are a joke! He has left us in such a depressing state that goths will be flooding in by the thousands. Thankfully I’m the candidate that can turn this damage around. My castle will be so eerie that not even the bitter remnants of Obamacare will be able to draw them away from it.”

When asked where he would place the castle, Trump responded that he thought anywhere along the northern border would do.

“They like their bodies and souls to be dismally frozen, so most will be trying to come in from Canada. And now that it’s winter, the lack of heat and sunlight means they’d be able to occupy nearly three-fourths of the country quite comfortably.”

DESCRIPTION: Strolling in your Victorian corset, gown, and parasol, you enjoy wandering to the neighborhood cemetery on occasional Thursdays, visiting various tombstones and laying down to pet the ground that holds your dead aunt and gram.

Trump believes that his competitors, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, are unqualified to address it, as their careers have been spent in the south where proximity to the equator prevents uncontrollable goth infestations. But when fellow candidate Ben Carson was mentioned, Trump became upset. “Carson!? That dope is part of the problem! First he was claiming to be just a tough guy, but now he has admitted to being a full-fledged goth growing up! No one is safe. I am the only honest candidate out there—my background lies in business, not politics.”

...Are you still human?

Trump added that if the castle doesn’t work out, we can still require all goths within the U.S. to register under a special database.

SIGNS: Sadistic worship DESCRIPTION: With a black satanic bible in your one hand and a knife in the other, you prepare your pet hamster for a sacrificial offering.

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L I N D S AY W I RT H

the w ake ◊ bizarro

avoid the sun

A guide to finding darkness in a brightworld

BY CARSON KASKEL

Do you ever have that feeling where you wish the sun would disappear forever and we could live in darkness for all eternity?

Do you struggle to appreciate the sheer energy gifted to you by the ball in the sky responsible for all life on Earth? You’re not alone. There are many more anti-sunners out there dealing with the same problem, so here are some tips for staying out of the balmy Minnesota winter sun.

“Just look on t he ‘bright’ side and stay patient. O ur sun will die one day, and darkn ess will prevail .”

First off, we suggest purchasing an oculus-rift type helmet that darkens your field of vision to make your reality appear to be nighttime. The helmet is climate-controlled, and can become colder and windier as your night desires. This equipment is quite expensive as you might expect, so we recommend that those on a budget become nocturnal. All you have to do is change your internal clock so that living at night is natural for your body.

Animals do this all the time, you can too! And what sounds better than starting your night at 9 p.m. every day?

Dads Go Dark

Music can also have a major influence on emotions and behavior, therefore, you must choose your music carefully if the sun isn't your jam. It’s highly encouraged to avoid songs mentioning that bastard yellow ball, such as “Who Loves the Sun” by The Velvet Underground. If you happen to hear “Here Comes the Sun,” run for your life. This doesn’t mean that you can’t listen to your beloved Beatles, as you can use the sun’s yellow appearance ironically and travel to the bottom of the sea in a submarine, where the light will never reach you.

If you are the adventurous type, there are two places on Earth that don’t see the sun for an entire season. That’s right, the Arctic Circle is sunless from December to March and the Antarctic Circle is sunless from June to September. The harsh, lifeless, blood-freezing winters are perfect vacation spots for those who hate the sun.

If these suggestions weren’t enlightening enough for you shadeseeking readers, just look on the “bright” side and stay patient.

Our sun will die one day, and darkness will prevail.

The latest goth subculture is taking over

BY EMMA KLINGLER

10

Members of the Dad Goth subgroup typically do not jump into the intense, occult-worshiping practices of some other types. Instead, it usually begins with the corruption of the “dad joke.”

Where the normal response to “I’m thirsty” would be, “Nice to meet you thirsty, I’m dad,” the Goth Dad response tends to be an explanation of the futility of drinking in quenching a thirst that will inevitably return.

Dad Goth style is a nice middle ground between suburban dad and traditional goth, with illmatched shades of black being the main element.

It has become popular for dads with slight beer bellies to get stomach piercings, as the flab helps to emphasize their free expression and acceptance of their status as mid-lifers. Clothing designers

attempting to keep up with the fast-growing subculture have even begun designing special long socks with embroidered pentagrams to be worn unfashionably with leather sandals.

The ideology of the Dad Goth style is in line with many other types of goth, but still remains true to the ever-important “dad-isms.” For example, the reflective, “When-I was-your-age” lecture starter provides the perfect setup for a gothic discourse on the importance of teen angst in developing your individuality. And with Dad Goth, the classic “I’m not sleeping, I’m just resting my eyes” becomes a practice in creating darkness in the mind and soul.

Dad Goth has a long way to go to gain the acceptance of the rest of the goth community.

Dad Goths have a particular fascination with Marilyn Manson over all other goth musicians that turns many goth music snobs away. In addition, the persistent presence of the “dorky dad” identity within Dad Goth makes them hard to swallow for many hardcore goths.

Nevertheless, the continued presence of “Health Goth” gives hope to Dad Goths everywhere that the community as a whole will one day legitimize their newfound identities.

FLICKR.COM ED AND EDDIE MODIFIED BY MAX SMITH

After the emergence of the controversial “Health Goth,” it seemed as though Goth culture couldn’t possible extend any further. However, the latest trends in gothic lifestyle show an immense increase in the number of middle-aged men with children identifying themselves with the culture.

This influx, along with some distinguishing factors that these new converts share, has demonstrated a need for a new label of goth: the Dad Goth.

the w ake ◊ bizarro

w hy is BEN CARSON so tired?

BY LIANNA MATT

BY ERIN STEVENSON As the presidential race of 2016 starts to kick into high gear, the candidates are appearing more frequently on television, in print, and in videos campaigning, preaching their policies, and discussing current events going on around the world. This is an especially volatile time in the world, with ISIS terrorist attacks and the Syrian refugee crisis.

Candidates like Donald Trump and Ben Carson consistently speak out about their policies and opinions on current events. While Trump is often animated and varied, Carson is often seen with the same tired expression and talking in a quiet tone.

An informed citizen may see this and understand that he is an extremely busy man and brain surgeon, so of course he is tired. But one may start to wonder if there is a deeper cause to Carson’s seemingly perpetual weariness. In fact, there is.

Examining his past, we discover that he struggled in high school, had a quick temper, and less than average grades.

This clearly points to the fact that Ben Carson was goth in high school. So goth in fact, that after exiting this phase, he was so worn out that he is damned to be tired for the rest of his life. Growing up in a low-class household, at an early age he became frustrated with the limitations society put on him. This angst was fueled by a will to resist authority and by his mother's pressure for him to succeed; she made him write two book reports a week.

There is no photographic proof of the Medal of Freedom recipient draped in black, or evidence he owned a Doors album. However it is almost certain the previous statements are fact, in addition to him owning many Washington Irving and Edgar Allan Poe works.

In essence, Carson was so hardcore as a youth that he is tired for the rest of his life. So next time you have to question whether he is awake or asleep, just remember that it stems from his childhood gallivants into the dark Gothic world.

IT’S OFFICIAL. T-SWIFT HAS GONE GOTH. The new tune that hit the radio a week ago, “Black Winged Dagger,” let you know long before her Instagram account did. In the past few days, though, it seems like her social media has caught up: Pictures online will show her fluffy little kittens dyed black, and her own wardrobe has gone from navy high-waist trousers and seer-suckered blouses to ebony lace and black chiffon.

Goth is more than just a style aesthetic though; it’s a lifestyle requiring dedication to massive amounts of eyeliner and endless supplies of Vitamin D to make up for the sun loss. However, if T-Swift’s personality is, as her Swifties say, nothing if not authentic, then what could have caused her turn to break out the black nail polish? Another review of her single might give us some clues.

Swift’s slight vibrato for “Black Winged Dagger” is almost reminiscent of her and the Civil Wars’ “Safe and Sound,” but pulsing cello chords and chimes playing a funeral dirge set it apart from the melancholic country ballad. While the remixed version by DJ Dead-dyBoy is what’s making this song catch fire in the dance clubs, Swift’s brand power and eager DJ collaborators should be enough to keep her high on the charts when the rest of her upcoming album attempts to hit the airwaves.

Written without a co-author, the lyrics in “Black Winged Dagger” are merely turns of the same old “I’m misunderstood” trope without the metaphorical skill or detailed honesty needed to make them stand out.

As we get to verse two of the song, listeners will probably begin to realize that it may have just been one break up too many that turned Swift to the dark side. By the time you get to the bridge where she croons, “May black butterflies suffocate our nights,” we realize that the music video will inevitably have T-Swift getting hundreds of butterflies to swirl around her during a fog-laden graveyard scene.

However you take T-Swift’s new style, it’s here to stay for at least one album. If (what I’m now dubbing) “Black Butterfly Breakup” is anything to work off of, expect “Black” to seem like a throwback to your angsty teenage days with the odd spark of poetry thrown in.

The pop star trades in signature goldilocks for blackened bob

gOeS GoTh

F L I C K R . C O M D AV I D S H A N K B O N E M O D I F I E D B Y M A X S M I T H

AARON MUSICKANT

A closer look at candidate's past offers dark explanation

T AYLOR SW IFT

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the w ake ◊ bizarro

BY ABBY RICHARDSON

girls

lydi a ice” u j e l t e “be Winona Ryder played dark, gothic, or just plain disinterested characters more than anyone in the ‘80s and ‘90s (see: “Heathers,” “Edward Scissorhands,” and “Girl, Interrupted”). Her role in “Beetlejuice” as the teenaged goth daughter likely has you enamored still today, with lines like “My whole life is a dark room,” and her classic spiked bangs. Also, the whole “I’m able to communicate with the dead” thing was badass.

om” t sam n a h p y “dann Did anyone watching this show not have a crush on Sam? Danny’s best friend and love interest rocked purple lipstick, black combat boots, and was an outspoken vegetarian and activist. She was interested in stuff that was otherworldly, which made her relationship with a literal ghost boy even cooler. Somewhat more of a perky goth (like Abby from “NCIS”), Sam showed that goth doesn’t always mean depressing.

raven

“teen tita ns”

In true goth fashion, Raven rebelled from her (demon) father and joined the Teen Titans to stop him from taking over the world. Despite coming from the dark side, Raven stayed good. She had telekinetic abilities and rarely spoke unlike her fellow Titans, often reading a book on the occult instead of being, you know, joyful.

12

m orticia and w ednesday “THE ADDA addam s MS FAMILY”

The original mother/daughter goth duo, these two had their share of macabre quirks. Wednesday buried a live cat and frequently tried to hurt or kill her brothers. Refusing to play Pocahontas in a play at summer camp, she set the camp on fire. Morticia, on the other hand, had a carnivorous plant for a pet and was always up for a good séance. Behind the iconic black braids and white face powder, Morticia and Wednesday had the goth attitude down.

peg “freaky friday”

guitarist from

(2003 version)

Peg was a member of Anna Coleman’s (Lindsay Lohan) band Pink Slip, which I assume was named so because they were always in detention. Edgy! Despite having a minimal presence in the movie, Peg stole the hearts of many with her short black bob, her skills on the guitar, and lines like, “Aren’t you like the maid of horror or something?”

I L LU S T R AT I O N S B Y L I Z Z I E G O N C H A R OVA

Our favorite fictional ladies from the dark side

Goth girls, even fictional, come in many forms. A true goth knows that not all goths are the same. From the perky to the abysmally dark, these fictional female characters of goth media helped shape our understanding of gothic ways and entertained us in the process.

S T R ANGE N AME S MUS I C . C O M

AD ELE. C O M

AT R I B E C ALLED QUES T. C O M

THE WAKE // SOUND & VISION

Strange Names

At The Triple Rock Social Club

BY CARTER JONES Onetime Minneapolis mainstays Strange Names wrapped up their tour at the Triple Rock Social Club on Nov. 28. The show was a sort of homecoming for the band after recently relocating to Brooklyn. “We’re from here!” vocalist Liam Benzvi said before launching into the first song of the night,“Only Boy.” The hour-long set relied heavily on songs from their debut album “Use Your Time Wisely” with only a couple coming from their self-titled EP. Benzvi harnessed the same kinetic energy as a young Morrissey, gyrating and flailing around the confined stage. The chemistry between guitarist Francis Jimenez and Benzvi was palpable as Jimenez’s B-52’s inspired riffs meshed with Benzvi’s synths.

Minneapolitans aren’t always eager to “get down” at shows, but the band’s special blend of new wave/synth pop kept the audience grooving all night.

Lo-fi synth-centered songs “Potential Wife” and “Luxury Child” from the “Strange Names EP” felt out of place when juxtaposed with Fletcher Aleckson’s pounding drumbeats on songs from “Use Your Time Wisely.” On “Neighborhood,” Benzvi wielded a single drumstick and hammered out a drum pad solo with the same ferocity as a blacksmith forging on an anvil. The bass on “Where & Why” rippled through the crowd and briefly subdued them before the synth catapulted the crowd back into motion. Strange Names’ modern take on ‘80s dance pop was a welcome respite before another Minnesota winter forces us all back into hibernation.

Adele’s 25

BY KARL WITKOWIAK English singer/songwriter Adele made her big return to the limelight with the new album “25.” Though it may seem nearly impossible for Adele to top her work on “21,” she comes incredibly close on “25.” Lyrically, this is Adele’s most complex album to date. Some songs focus on themes of complicated break-ups, such as in “Hello” and “Water Under the Bridge.” However, other songs feature Adele reflecting on her relationships with friends and family, as portrayed in songs like “Remedy,” her nostalgia for her hometown, as highlighted on “River Lea,” or her newborn son, which is the main theme of “Sweetest Devotion.”

Adele’s album also spans several producers and even different genres of music. The contrast can be heard immediately in the soul-driven, sweeping choruses of “Hello” to the more popcentric, staccato flow of “Send My Love (To Your New Lover).”

While a majority of the songs are slow-tempo ballads, the instrumentation helps set the songs apart, from the pianobased “All I Ask” to the folk guitars that help make “Million Years Ago” stand out. However, while the production and instrumentation on songs like “Hello” and “Water Under the Bridge” are powerful, they fall a bit flat compared to the big hits of “21” like “Rolling in the Deep” or “Set Fire to the Rain.”

Despite not quite living up to the glory of “21,” “25” is still a wonderful, tear-jerking album from one of the greatest pop stars of this decade.

A Tribe Called Quest’s People’s Instinctive Travels and Paths of Rhythm

BY HANNAH KLOOS In 1990, A Tribe Called Quest’s debut album “People’s Instinctive Travels and Paths of Rhythm” rocked rap’s world.

It opened doors for what rap could be—incorporating jazz samples, Afrocentric rhythms, and abstract narratives that are now embedded in hip-hop. You can hear Tribe in Mos Def’s inflection, Kendrick’s storytelling, and Kanye’s bravado. The rappers we love today simply would not be who they are if it wasn’t for A Tribe Called Quest.

25 years later, the songs from that seminal album still sound fresh. “Bonita Applebum,” “Can I Kick It?” and a personal favorite, “I Left My Wallet in El Segundo,” remain innovative and original. Although the Internet’s proliferation of rap has changed the industry immensely, the art that Tribe created stands the test of time.

A defining feature of Tribe’s music is their fearlessness in tackling tough topics. Among other issues, the group’s commentary on police brutality, economic inequality, and relationships continue to be relevant, and fits effortlessly within today’s sociopolitical climate.

While the album is the same despite the addition of three new remixes, the reissue wedges the album within a modern context.

I believe the remixes were superfluous as masterpieces don’t necessitate modification, but it’s interesting to hear CeeLo Green, Pharrell, and J. Cole’s takes on the songs that inspired their careers. Hopefully, these artists will introduce an entirely new generation of fans to the group that reenergized rap.

WAKEMAG.ORG // 12

KELLEN R ENS TROM

THE WAKE // SOUND & VISION

A Mélange of Mediocrity Tasting Gopher Express cuisine

BY COLIN MILLER The Gopher Express: beloved oasis of class-intermittent nourishment that bridges the gap between having to prepare and lug around a sack lunch from home or shelling out precious real-person cash. More than just a donut and Odwalla outlet though, the Gopher Express offers a range of gourmet pre-packaged options that sit sadly on its refrigerated shelves, largely overlooked by the masses. I sampled two of these sterile, ageless delicacies for myself; below are my observations.

Thai Tofu and Soba Noodle Wrap: The culinary dynamo behind this Asian-inspired dish must have studied the Spanish Roca brothers, evidently admiring their penchant for presentation.

Split in half like an anatomical diagram, innards pressed against the plastic envelope, the brilliance of this wrap is in its illusion of complexity. Despite appearing to contain at least four distinct ingredients, one bite is enough to stir up mental discord, as the flavor and texture of the tortilla-swaddled salad suggests that the whole thing might be composed of a single bland, creamy and vaguely peanut-y substance, manipulated by visual trickery into the shape of many. Pairs well with a backwash-ridden Kombucha.

Grilled Chicken Sandwich on Cranberry-Orange Bread: This one is a must-try for anyone out there who still believes asbestos has no place in a slice of bread. The two slabs of nonsensically fruit-laden compressed carpet lint are as dry and tasteless as Ben Carson’s campaign personality, insulating the token morsels of sliced chicken breast. Complemented by traditional sandwich staples lettuce and tomato, the almost imperceptible layer of garlic-infused aioli on one side really sets the dish apart from the ranks of gas station fare and among the top tier of airport-quality comestibles.

11 // DEC 14–DEC 27

THE WAKE // SOUND & VISION

Flawed and Fighting

Not all superheroes wear capes and actively choose to save the world—some drink heavily and hope to be safe themselves

BY OLIVIA HEUSINKVELD If you are looking for a new show to binge-watch over winter break, follow the scent of leather and bourbon to the new Netflix original series, Marvel’s “Jessica Jones.”

Presenting itself more like a psychological thriller than a traditional superhero narrative, “Jessica Jones” tells its story like a gritty, dark, and heroic cousin of “Veronica Mars.” The series incorporates stunning cinematography, often borrowing various elements from film noir. Jones is played by Krysten Ritter, best known from “Breaking Bad” and “Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23,” who approaches the role with such care and honesty that audiences are able to understand every hard decision, self-destructive choice, and well-intentioned mistake Jones makes.

Released about six months after Netflix and Marvel’s successful and critically acclaimed “Marvel’s Daredevil,” “Marvel’s Jessica Jones” is based off of the comic “Alias,” created by Brian Michael Bendis and Michael Gaydos. The comic was released with 28 issues between 2001 and 2004, published under Marvel Comic’s Max imprint, which promised to deliver comics containing language, sex, and violence for adult audiences. In fact, “Alias” was the first adult, “R-rated” comic book Marvel released, which came with a new freedom to explore the lives of superheroes who are not all neat edges and square corners.

Featuring a female protagonist who wears street-clothes rather than a cape, drinks heavily, and struggles with her own mental health, “Jessica Jones” is a superhero story that is singular, relatable, and subversive. We might not see another quite like Jessica Jones again, which just happens to be a perfect reason to temporarily neglect your studying and let “Jessica Jones” into your life.

H ELEN TEAGUE

Jessica Jones is a superhumanly strong former superheroturned private investigator who drinks bourbon, sleeps with strangers, and isn’t preoccupied with playing nice and making friends. What makes Jones so relatable is that, despite her powers, she is still hurting and scared. Jones struggles with PTSD due to events in her past with an enemy that she simply wasn’t able to beat—yet. This enemy, known as Kilgrave, is brilliant played by David Tennant of “Doctor Who” fame, who is able to portray a character that will makes audiences feel both compassion in tandem with pure and utter burning hatred.

WAKEMAG.ORG // 10

P H OTOS BY KR I S T E N WA NG S NE S S

THE WAKE // FEATURE

EXPERIENCING FEAR AFTER THE TERROR BY KRISTEN WANGSNESS When a suicide bomber detonated outside of the soccer game between France and Germany on Friday, November 13, the spectators first cheered, thinking it was a firework. There was no news report until twenty minutes later, after the second bomb had already detonated. Sirens blared outside the stadium, soon to be heard throughout the city as the attacks continued elsewhere. The night become a nightmare, the highest casualty terrorist attack France has seen since World War II. News reporting and social media allowed me and the rest of Paris to watch—horrified—as the events were drawn out until the early hours of the next day.

A student studying abroad, I left my apartment the next day expecting the city to be essentially shut down out of fear, sadness, or a combination of the two. I was surprised to find the streets bustling, though people were quieter than usual. Almost all my neighborhood shops and market stalls were open and the metro system was running again after being halted the night before. I heard a shopkeeper say that his heart was broken, but

9 // DEC 14–DEC 27

he felt as if the terrorists would have won something from him if he closed down his shop.

The city didn’t stop moving, but it still grieved. People turned out in thousands.

At the sites of the shootings, where flowers and letters overflowed the sidewalks and candles burned until the wicks ran out. At Place de la Republique, where crowds honored the victims and came together with music, hugs, and dancing. At the blood clinics, overrun with donors to the point of turning away many others and including me. On Twitter, the very night of the attacks, people used the hashtag #porteouverte (“open door”) to announce that they could provide shelter for those who could not get to their own home for any reason.

There is love in this city, a sense of unity, support. At the same time, there is fear. Multiple scares have occurred where crowds hear a loud noise and take it for gunfire.

THE WAKE // FEATURE

There is running, screaming, and confused news reports about more attacks until it is discovered that the source of the sound was only a light fixture breaking or something heavy dropping.

//The city didn’t stop moving, but it still grieved.

A state of emergency, which usually has a legal maximum of twelve days, has been implemented and extended to three months. This means, among other things, that there is a heavier presence of police and military who have been endowed extended authorizations, such as the power to conduct warrantless searches. The increase of military jackets and guns in the streets puts the atmosphere on edge, serving as a frequent reminder that something is wrong. The people I know who were here during and after the Charlie Hebdo shooting in January say that this fear is a different kind. Although still so tragic, that attack was specific and targeted.

This time, those who were injured or killed were victims in some measure by chance. The general public has been struck with the feeling that it could have been us, if only we had chosen a different cafe for dinner.

All of the perpetrators of the attacks were identified as French or Belgian citizens, all with European passports. A Syrian passport was found near the body of one of the suicide bombers, leading to a loud first reaction of associating the attacks with refugees. However, the passport did not match the body, and the identity had been falsely registered in several countries along popular immigration routes. The passport has been confirmed false and is believed to have been planted by ISIS to raise prejudices against Syrian refugees. The planting has been to some extent successful, as political discussions in many countries over policies for acceptance of refugees have turned into security debates.

Not even 24 hours after the attacks stopped in Paris, Poland’s incoming minister of European affairs announced that the government would not honor a previous commitment to take in approximately 7,000 refugees. In reality, the prejudices that have been capitalized upon to call for tighter migratory restrictions are unfounded, as the Syrian refugees are fleeing groups such as the Islamic State, not joining to fight with them.

The idea that other terrorists would use Syrian identities to cross into other countries and attack is also not an efficient one, as the process of refugee immigration is far more complicated and time sucking than simply using the passports of their citizenry.

Terrorism is about weaponizing emotions. The goal of the perpetrators is at least as much the societal ripples as the actual casualties. What the terrorists want is fear and for the world to react with violence and prejudice. Let us refuse them that. Like the shopkeeper who wouldn’t shut down his store lest he give the terrorists anything, it is crucial to continue offering love, unity, and support, making sure to extend it to those who are now being wrongly persecuted.

Most people show their fear in small ways, avoiding the metro or public squares at busy times or not going out on weekend nights. Others are choosing to react with violence and prejudice.

France’s National Observatory of Islamophobia recorded that while four to five attacks on Muslims occur during a typical week in the country, 32 such attacks were reported in the week after November 13.

//

ISIS, the Islamic State, has very publicly claimed responsibility for the events on November 13. In contrast with the vast majority of those who practice Islam, which is a religion that believes in peace and non-violence, ISIS has claimed that they do not believe that the rest of the world can coexist with their religion. They aim to sow dissonance and separation between Islam and the rest of the population. ISIS are extremists, not representatives of the Islamic faith. In the wake of the attacks, Muslim groups have spoken out to declare that ISIS is not Islam, and the French government has decided to use the Arab acronym Daesh instead of the commonly used ISIS or Islamic State in an effort to separate the terrorist group from references to the religion.

WAKEMAG.ORG // 8

TAY LO R D ANI ELS

THE WAKE // CITIES

GOING STRONG

After 18 days and nights of sleeping in the streets, Black Lives Matter can chant as loud as ever

BY LOGAN CARROLL On Dec. 3, just before 4 a.m., after 18 days of occupation, the Black Lives Matter encampment in front of the 4th Precinct was demolished by police bulldozers. Eight people were arrested.

There were a couple more chants, one last speech where it was announced that BLM was marching to a fundraiser for the police union, and then the crowd dispersed.

all over her. We’re going to keep doing what we need to get our demands met, and that doesn’t necessarily mean going back to the occupation.

That afternoon, a crowd packed themselves into the lobby of City Hall. Above the crowd, presiding from a flight of ornate marble stairs, were members of Black Lives Matter (BLM).

After, BLM organizer Misky Noor spoke in more detail about the movement. I got to ask her a few questions.

Is the campaign Jamar” over?

Misky Noor: Who are you with? The Wake? I haven’t heard of that. I only know about [The Minnesota Daily].

Noor: No it is not.We’re still pursuing a release of the tapes.

We’re still pursuing no grand jury and direct prosecution. 97 percent of cases that go to grand jury with police misconduct, there’s no indictment. We want direct prosecution so that the cops that are doing this pay for their crimes. We’re also fighting beyond that.The 4th Precinct used to be a community center, a hub for black revolutionary love.Then it burnt down and they turned it into a police precinct. The community wants that to be a community center again. Governor Dayton has said that he would sit down with BLM Minneapolis and NOC, Neighborhoods Organizing for Change, to develop an agenda for the special session, to talk about racial disparities.

While we like to say that Minneapolis and Minnesota are one of the best places in the country to live, that’s only true for white people.We have some of the worst disparities here.

BLM leaders took turns giving speeches, but the lobby is a six-story echo chamber. Their voices reverberated from the tiny PA system up and down the marble well until there was nothing but an excited buzz filling the whole room.

Still, the crowd cheered and chanted. An older, tired looking man leaned his weight against the lobby wall behind me, “Preach it, sister!”

Behind the leaders, the next flight of stairs was overrun with onlookers. A serious looking journalist manned an enormous camera topped with a fuzzy shotgun mic.A little girl and a man rested their tired heads in a woman’s lap. A young woman sat on the banister, shaking her arms to the rhythm of the chants.

Someone had painted “Black Lives Matter” on an American flag and draped it over the third floor balcony.

I managed to hear enough of one speech to get the gist of it.

Something about some bank being the largest contributor to the police union.Then the BLM leaders stepped off the stairs and led a march into a tunnel out of City Hall.

The march wound through the tunnel system to Wings Financial, where protesters painted “JUSTICE 4 JAMAR” on the windows of the credit union with liquid chalk.We marched in a circle in front of the credit union then back to the lobby.

7 // DEC 14–DEC 27

Yep. Noor: I don’t really like the Daily’s coverage anyway. Maybe I’ll like The Wake’s.We’ll see.

Thanks I guess. This was put together really quick in response to the bulldozing this afternoon, correct?

Noor: This morning. It was almost four in the morning when they came. They had two or three bobcats and turned two city buses into police buses. There was literally 30, 35 of us and 150 cops.

Are you going to set up the occupation again?

Noor: We had the occupation. We got the names released and we got a [Department of Justice] investigation into the killing of Jamar Clark. Then we got a DOJ investigation into the abuses that protesters faced at the hands of the Minneapolis Police Department. Stacy, you heard her speak, was punched in the face.That’s on video. Police put non-lethal weapons in people’s face, like Congressman Keith Ellison’s son, Jeremiah. There’s that photo. There’s another of a highschool Somali woman dragged by her hijab and pepper spray

around

“Justice

for

What do you say to those who criticize your tactics as too aggressive?

Noor: That’s what they’ve said about anyone who’s created real change. It’s not pretty, it’s not nice, it’s not polite. If they don’t think this is the right way I’d love to see what they’d like to do, because we need everybody.

You’re potential…

Noor: No.

not

worried

about

alienating

THE WAKE // VOICES

Facebook Profile Picture Filters

BY ANNALISE GALL

The role of social media in the solidarity controversy

With its platform as a social network, Facebook carries an inherent interest in societal issues. It has proven itself a promoter of personal perspectives on world issues, with users taking advantage of the site to share and read current articles.

In this way, Facebook has become a collective, and perhaps primary, news source for millions of people.

The advent of the filters, however, marked a new broadcasting era. While previously Facebook served as a mere instigator of ideologies, it has now ventured into the area of delegation itself. Providing a filter for some issues but not others creates a hierarchy of importance. Having a filter when the U.S. legalized marriage same-sex marriage, but not when Ireland or Finland

did within the previous six months, prioritizes American civil liberties over others’ civil liberties. Having a filter for Paris, but not for Beirut or Baghdad, which both experienced bombings around the same time, prioritizes French lives over other lives.

The question thus becomes: How does Facebook decide which victories and tragedies to highlight?

Though its users span the globe, the filters reveal a pattern of American interest. People naturally gravitate towards that which hits closest to home, so it makes sense that massive judicial changes in the U.S. would appeal to a company based in the U.S. Similarly, an attack on a nation of American allies threatens more than violence in a developing country. This analysis does not however pardon Facebook’s choices. Seeing as these are the issues traditional news outlets will gravitate towards, it would be more beneficial for Facebook to use its unique position to provide an opportunity for inclusivity and awareness, rather than redundancy and further polarization.

Whether intentional or not, Facebook has taken up this critical role in determining which issues, and which lives, we care about.

So keep an eye out for the next filter—our newspapers may soon read like a timeline.

WHEN A TOWNIE CALLS The last week of the semester leaves everyone limping, loopy, drained of all gusto, and—if we’re being honest—a little smelly.

There’s no feeling that compares to the relief of shredding your syllabi and shedding those end-of-a-horror-movie tears.

However, the daydream of a cozy, self-indulgent winter break overshadows the culture shock that is soon to strike. Adjusting to life with parents is one thing, but dealing with people from your hometown? That’s a whole ‘nother animal.

While on campus you might go an entire day without seeing anyone you know, being home means not being able to go to Target without at least three bouts of small talk with people from your past. Or it’s the sitch that happens all too often: the third grade teacher run-in at Cub. Milk jug in hand, you make a beeline for the self-checkout.Then you hear it. Mrs. Norman’s sugar sweet voice chiming your name. You slowly pivot on the heels of your snow boots—lips smiling, eyes hollow.You exchange niceties, and then comes the question: “Staying out of trouble?” she says with a head tilt and twinkling eyes. Here are some safe bets for how to proceed: Tell the truth! She was young once, and you’re both adults now.

Have fun with it, and don’t forget the dirty details, you dog!

BY SAMMY BROWN

How to talk to hometown people over the holidays Tell the truth, ironically. Go ahead—tell her you were kicked out of that party, or that a cop busted you for doin’ the doobies behind a freshman dorm.

The truly ridiculous stories will make your sarcasm especially believable. If you’re not confident with your tone of voice, throw in some finger guns for good measure.

“Are you staying out of trouble?” If said with the right delivery, you will both toss your heads back in laughter.

After four months of peers up the wazoo, hometown people can be a little startling. Your friend’s cheery dad against your college cynicism is like salt on an open wound. The woman at your church saying, “All lives matter” rings like a banshee cry in your ears. While it’s easy to roll your eyes, try instead to go home ready to chat with the townies, leaving your snotty ‘tude behind, speaking up when necessary, and listening generously. ‘Tis the season, after all!

LI Z ZI E GONCH AROVA US IN G WORKS BY MARC US QUI GM I RE, K. M. KLEMEN CI C , RENNETT S TOW E, A ND MI CH AEL C AN NI F F

KE LLE N R ENS TRO M

In wake of the terrorist attacks in Paris, Facebook released a French flag filter that can be placed over users’ profile pictures as a sign of support for France. This was the third solidarity filter released by Facebook, following the summer’s “celebrate pride” rainbow filter in response to the Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage and the “I stand with Planned Parenthood” filter.

WAKEMAG.ORG // 6

THE WAKE // CITIES

The First Semester Reflections on beginning my time at the U

BY MISHY WANG

In keeping with the holiday spirit, I’ve reflected on the past few months with nostalgia, finding the hidden meanings in a select smattering of memories. These are certainly not the most exciting moments; they’re simply the ones that stick out in my mind, the times I couldn’t forget if I tried. Each anecdote carries a virtue, intangible yet fuller than anything I’ve read from a textbook. College is overflowing with knowledge, but these are the lessons I hold most valuable.

Capture the Flag (Sept. 11, 2015): Trust Anything late night is bound to incur mishaps. While sprinting as fast as I could, I tripped and amassed impressive concrete burns on my knee and hip, leaving me unable to walk. Thus, I hold the honor of being the first Capture the Flag injury of the season. Not an award I’m proud of, but it reaped some hilarious prizes.

Enter two guys from my floor, people I’d hardly known for a week, who willingly piggy-backed me all the way back to Middlebrook. The Washington Bridge doesn’t seem terribly long until one is carrying an extra person across it, and they did it with (mostly) no complaints.

Trust is the greatest gift a person can give. If we allow ourselves to trust, people will go above and beyond to take care of us. I only hope that I can someday receive such a gift from my friends and give them what they deserve.

Losing My Phone (Oct. 3, 2015): Freedom Nomophobia—the fear of being without your phone— is embarrassingly real. Social media is a security blanket for us scared freshmen, creating communities without the effort of interaction.Without it, I was afraid that I’d be left out from the social scene.

It wasn’t until after I’d lost my phone on the light rail that I realized how suffocating its presence was. No more Snapchat story updates! No more Yakarma building! I suddenly found myself with a plethora of time that I could spend purely on myself.

What I found most interesting was how accommodating everyone else was when they learned I was phoneless. Instead of resorting to a simple text, they made the effort to talk to me in person, leading to the spontaneity of face-to-face conversation.

5 // DEC 14–DEC 27

Getting rid of my phone definitely made me feel more connected with the real world. For the first time in a while, my life wasn’t measured by “likes” on social media—it was measured by my reckless spirit, and I’ve never felt more free.

Assassin (Oct. 14-15, 2015): Morality Killing people is strangely gratifying.

My roommate and I entered a floor wide game of Assassin. A seemingly harmless game, but the amount of paranoia it fosters is unreal. It turns out that a little bit of fear was all I needed to reveal my inner Slytherin, as I subsequently killed two people in four hours.

As far as wholesome morals go, I certainly threw them out the window, but what’s life without a little mischief? That’s the beauty of college; you have the ability to choose what to hold as your morals. You get to decide what’s wrong and what’s right.

Floor Ten Family Dinner (Nov. 1, 2015): Blessed I never imagined myself eating a homemade meal at college, nor did I expect any meal to involve butternut squash, ravioli, and pumpkin pizza. But my amazingly talented and generous friends surprised our floor with the greatest floor family dinner EVER. Just having 30+ people packed around one table and (prematurely) singing Christmas carols was such a surreal experience; it made me feel so cozy.

All I could think about was how incredibly blessed I was. Not only did I know people with a culinary gift, but I also knew people who strove to create an allinclusive community where said gifts could be shared.

My stomach and my heart have never felt more full.

Running: Adventure The best runs are those without an end destination.

In an attempt to remain somewhat active, a few of my friends have formed a running group, unofficial in every way. We have no schedule, no pace, no goals—and I’ve never enjoyed running more. From falling into rivers to getting kicked out of parks, nothing is off limits when we’re running.

That’s exactly how I feel about college: it’s a race that I don’t know how to complete. And the amount of mistakes I’m liable to make are infinite, but I’ve never enjoyed life more. If I’ve already gained trust, freedom, morality, blessings, and adventure, I can’t even imagine what the rest of college will hold in store for me.

L I ZZI E G ONCH A ROVA

How do I describe freshman year, first semester? Or more specifically, how do I describe freshman year without sounding like a freshman? Unsuccessfully, but I’ll try my best.

3 SHOWS TO NETFLIX BINGE THIS WINTER BREAK

Chances are you have a friend who has told you to watch this BBC classic about a time traveling alien who keeps saving the world. Believe them or not, over 50 years of this show running is reason enough to start binging it.

Self-Care Tips for Break

JESSICA JONES This Netflix original and Marvel story is about an unlikely hero battling with her past, emotional problems, and alcoholism. I.e., 13 episodes of “I can’t stop watching this.”

THE 100 A post-apocalyptic earth is being tested for habitability by 100 teenagers with curiosity, danger, and a healthy dose of hormones.

Though it has a dash of CW cheesiness, it’s still addictive.

FACEBOOK.COM/CWTHE100

FACEBOOK.COM/DOCTORWHO

DOCTOR WHO

FACEBOOK.COM/MARVELSJESSICAJONES

BY KELCIE MCKENNEY

WHATS THE BEST WAY TO PROCRASTINATE STUDYING FOR FINALS?

BY GRACE BIRNSTENGEL “Self-care” is undoubtedly a buzz phrase right now, and that’s fine with me. If the Internet is going to be flooded with washed-out terminology, I’d rather it be something promoting positive feelings toward self.

LISTEN TO FRANK SINATRA

Like most, I get ultra-frazzled this time of year, and with that comes self-doubting, destructive habits, and—yep—feelings of self-hate. It helps to combat that with ways of showing yourself love. ‘Tis the season, right?

GIVE YOUR GOLDFISH A BATH

TRY THESE:

21.88%

• Use your right brain. Color, make a collage, try a new

31.25%

recipe, learn to knit.

• Light a candle, put on an album you know really well,

25.00%

and take a bath.

• Spend quality time with your pet or someone else’s pet.

21.88%

the zoo. Como Zoo is free!

• Take a nap.

• Read something not school-related.

• Get some exercise. Endorphins!

• Buy yourself something you’ve been wanting.

• Write a letter to someone you really appreciate.

KELCI E MCKEN NEY

• If you don’t know anyone else with a pet, walk around

ROLL IN A BED OF DIRT BINGE WATCH HOARDERS

WAKEMAG.ORG // 4

VOLUME 15, ISSUE 6 FIRST SEMESTER REFLECTIONS // PG. 5

GOTH GIRLS // BIZARRO PG. 12

BLM GOING STRONG // PG. 6

WAKE GOES GOTH // BIZARRO PG. 7

ABROAD IN PARIS // PG. 8

GOTH BABY NAMES // BIZARRO PG. 20

EDITORIAL: Sound & Vision Editors Peter Diamond Shawnna Stennes

Editor-in-Chief Grace Birnstengel Managing Editor Lauren Cutshall

Art Directors Lizzie Goncharova Max Smith

Cities Editor Kevin Beckman

Copy Editors Alex Van Abbema Joe Rush

Voices Editor Kayla McCombs

Editorial Interns Emma Klingler Sammy Brown Olivia Heusinkveld Carson Kaskel Faculty Advisor Chelsea Reynolds

PRODUCTION: Executive Director Kelcie McKenney Head Designer Becca Sugden Graphic Designers Caleb Vanden Boom Kate Doyle Olivia Novotny Web Manager Carter Gruss

Public Relations/ Advertising Manager Sara Erickson Social Media Manager Abby Richardson Finance Manager Nels Haugen Distributors Abigail Rommel Sam Gunderson

THIS ISSUE:

PR Interns Jenna Ogle Photography Interns Juliet Laske Kellen Renstrom Illustration Interns Aaron Musickant Taylor Severson Madison Digiovanni Helen Teague Design Interns Breanna Vick Erin Bankson

Photographers Kellen Renstrom, Juliet Laske, Kelcie McKenney Illustrators Lizzie Goncharova, Aaron Musickant, Max Smith, Helen Teague, Taylor Daniels, Madison Digiovanni Contributing Writers Grace Birnstengel, Kelcie McKenney, Mishy Wang, Logan Carroll, Annalise Gall, Sammy Brown, Kristen Wangsness, Colin Miller, Olivia Heusinkveld, Carter Jones, Karl Witkowiak, Hanna Kloos, Emma Klingler, Carson Kaskel, Erin Stevenson, Lliana Matt, Aaron Musickant, Kayla Song, Kevin Beckman, Madison Rude, Kayla Mccombs

©2015 The Wake Student Magazine.

All Rights Reserved.

Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student organization produced by and for students at the University of Minnesota.

The Wake was founded by Chrin Ruen & James DeLong.

Disclaimer:The purpose of The Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions. Opinions expressed in the magazine are not representative of the publication or university as a whole. To join the conversation email gbirnstengel@wakemag.org.

The Wake Student Magazine 126 Coffman Memorial Union 300 Washington Avenue SE Minneapolis, MN 55455 www.wakemag.org facebook.com/ thewakemagazine @the_wake wake-mag.tumblr.com

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Right now, as I sit cuddled up in my bed with my laptop on my stomach and my trail mix aka vitamins at an accessible reach, I am not getting ready to throw my headphones on to listen to an album. I am not about to plug into a satisfyingly long movie. I am hanging out on a Word document trying to find something inspiring to say to you all.

I attempt to calculate the thousands of words I will need to pull out of my sputtering brain in the next few weeks and I can’t help but view this letter from the editor as another assignment. I seemed to have no problem writing as Nick Cave, but satirical inspiration wasn’t going to cut it this time.Then I had a stupid realization: I love writing, writing is what I do. What the hell am I whining about? I should be stoked to be looking at this Word document of total freedom. No citations or arguments or word count, this was just me and whatever I wanted to say.

Working at The Wake reminds me that writing when you’re not instructed to write can be a damn pleasure. Our writers volunteer their time to bring a student voice to crucial topics like the 4th Precinct Protests pg. 6 and the Paris attacks pg. 8. But equally, we cherish covering useless topics like Gothic baby names bizarro side pg. 3, Gopher Express fridge food pg. 10, and Marilyn Manson’s hypothetical presidential nomination bizarro side pg. 4.

We find that there’s fun and necessity in that uselessness because not everything that comes out of our college-crafted vocabularies needs to have a purpose, a thesis statement, a score, or sometimes a paycheck. We can’t let writing become the academic stab in the heart to our precious free time. I hope college doesn’t make us sour to the act of writing, but if it does, at least there will always be Wakies around to give you something to read.

Shawnna Stennes Sound & Vision Editor

Works by Areca Roe November 19–January 24 | Art Opening: Friday December 4, 6–8pm Open to the public

Areca Roe

arts

FALL 2015 EXHIBITIONS

culture AT THE COFFMAN ART GALLERY COFFMAN MEMORIAL UNION • FIRST FLOOR

sua.umn.edu

FIRST SEMESTER REFLECTIONS

PARIS POST TERROR PG. 8 //

// PG. 5

BLM GOING STRONG

JESSICA JONES

// PG. 7

PG. 10 //

VOLUME 15, ISSUE 6 // DEC 14–DEC 27