The Wake Issue 1 Spring 2006

www.wakemag.org

the u’s weekly student magazine

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may

3, 2006

Staff Editorial Editor-in-Chief

Kay Steiger

Managing Editor

Lane Trisko

Athletics Editor

Craig Rentmeester

Athletics Assistant Athletics Staff Writers Campus Editor Campus Assistant Campus Staff Writers

Brian Tolentino Jeff Barthel Tyler Rushmeyer Jessica Mann Sarah Howard Rachel Drewelow Vincent Staupe

Literary Editor

Kim Gengler

Literary Assistant

Kel Sangster

S&V Editor

Michael Mitchell

S&V Assistant

Jenny Odegard

S&V Staff Writers

Erin Belling Haily Gostas Kristin Mueller

Film Critic Voices Editor Voices Assistant Voices Staff Writers

Chris Wilson Colleen Hellenbrand Cole Dennis Tom McNamara Nix Wurdak

Production production manager

Eric Price

art director

Sam Soule

photo editor

Brennan Vance

web editor

Andy Tyra

cover artist

Eric Price

graphic designers

illustrators

photographers copy editors

office manager advertisting executive pr director distributors

board of directors

The Heart of the Beast Theater will sponsor its 32nd annual May Day festival, which is a little political and mostly artistic. Last year, more than 50,000 people attended the festivities. This year, the prarade features a “Banned Book Band” among a wealth of other cultural gems.

Kristin Drews Carina Enbody Shannon Licari Eric Price Jeremy “Vaginasure” Sengly Alex Judkins Miranda Peterson Eric Price Aaron Ridgeway Jeremy Sengly Nick Tchida Brennan Vance Stacy Bengs Jenny Odegard Elizabeth Aulwes Clayton Benjamin Mary Cummings Kelly Frush

BUSINESS business manager

04 May Day in the Heart of the City

Andy Tyra Tamara Swanson Jamie King Cassie Benson Gwen McNamara Ryan Frailich Brennan Vance Chris Wilson

10 Soul Position Proves Things Really Are Better RJ and Al might have more personality than talent, but who’s keeping track?

When the Triple Rock hosts the dynamic duo, only an ode to Verizon Wireless is the perfect ending to an evening of heavy drinking.

James DeLong Paul Froiland Courtney Lewis Kathy Schlecht

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Elizabeth Aulwes, Jeff Barthel, Alex Brown, Haily Gostas,Brian Kuchida, Jessica Mann, Michael Mitchell, Kristen Mueller, Emma O’Brien, Tyler Rushmeyer, Brian Tolentino, Nix Wurdak

©2006 Established in 2002, The Wake is an independent weekly magazine, produced by and for students at the University of Minnesota. The Wake is a registered student organization.

The Wake was founded by Chris Ruen and James DeLong.

The Wake 1313 5th St. SE Minneapolis, MN 55414 Send letters to letters@wakemag.org Please include your name, year, and college. The Wake does not publish anonymous letters.

Letter from the Editor

This is the last issue of our tenure as managing editor and editor-inchief, and we would like to thank everyone for making this one of the best years of our lives.

Lane, if you don’t stop now, I’m probably going to vomit.

It wouldn’t be the first time tonight, Kay. You don’t have to be so sentimental. I think the tear-soaked pages should be enough. So stop being such a pussy, and finish the damn letter.

Yes, ma’am.

KAY STEIGER & LANE TRISKO

Departing Editor-in-Chief Departing Managing Editor

Volume 4, Issue 21 A beast with a heart of gold Campus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Oral sex for history majors Voices . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

End of the semester awards Athletics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Where is your soul positioned?

Sound & Vision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

That guy looks like Jesus Literary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

TWO websites of the issue?!

Bastard . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Campus

May 3, 2006

stacy bengs

Public Puppet Parade in Powderhorn Park

By Emma O’Brien Outside, puddles slowly evaporate from the desolate wreckage that is the Lake Street reconstruction project. But inside the Heart of the Beast Theater on East Lake and 15th Avenue, community members of all ages and cultures are hard at work, preparing the pieces that will make up the 32nd Annual May Day Parade and Festival.

The Heart of the Beast May Day Festival began in 1974 with a small group of artists, but has grown to include 17 full-time artists and hundreds of community volunteers, and has attracted over 50,000 spectators to Powderhorn Park in the past.

The planning process for the parade begins early at two community brainstorming sessions in February and March. For the last 23 years, the Heart of the Beast Puppet and Mask Theater has hosted the public meetings, which determine the yearly theme.

Sandy Spieler, a member of the Heart of the Beast Theater, described what goes on at these meetings as a series of questions to each individual about the state of their city, nation, and world.

“What is it that makes you sad and angry? What gives you joy and inspires?” the brainstormers were asked. Based on the responses, Spieler asks a second question: “What does everyone wish this city to be like in 50 years?” The purpose of this query is to encourage the community to cross the borders that divide it, to get to know neighbors, and to share experiences. This year’s suggestions for Minneapolis in five decades include “better transportation for all, garden and community spaces, use of sustainable energy that works with the living systems of the earth, a sense that no one is illegal, and a state of peace for the city and world.” The participants

A series of green banners stating, “All May Marry,” “All May Love,” and “All May Grow” surround the workstation for the “The Time is Now to Walk Hand in Hand” section. Ramon Cordes, an artist who began as a volunteer at the age of 12, describes this section as focusing on the physical connections between people. For Cordes, the best part of the process is coming together as a community to build. “It’s a great way to get your voice out,” he says above the sounds of about 100 busy volunteers and artists who are participating in tonight’s workshop. Like Cordes, many volunteers start as children and grow up in the theater, carrying on the tradition every year.

Tina Nemetz, a volunteer of 10 years, has created a banner for the “Hand in Hand” section reading “All May Be.” Her hope is to encourage people to put energy into loving, accepting, and being friends with others.

Tonight, Nemetz is working on a giant papier mache bookworm. This creature will be part of the “The Time is Now To Check Out Our Common Wealth” section. The new Minneapolis Public Library on Nicollet and Fourth Street will be opening two weeks after the May Day Parade, and this section celebrates the wealth of knowledge to be found and shared in the library system. The float for “Common Wealth” will feature a “Banned Book Band” along with the herd of bookworms.

Nemetz discovered the May Day Festival shortly after moving to the Powderhorn Park neighborhood. “One day I woke up and there were 50,000 people in my front yard!” she recalls. Since then she has attended and participated in the parade, along with her son and daughter. “This neighborhood has more artists than any other place in the state, per capita,” Nemetz says of the Lake StreetPowderhorn Park district. This contributes to the strong sense of community and cooperation that is present in the Heart of the Beast Theater. “Once you get over your fear and you go through the door, this is probably the most loving place that I have

then find a common “umbrella” that connects their ideas into a theme.

This year, the theme is “The Time Is Now.” Artists and volunteers have formulated storyboards of plans for the five subsections that comprise the middle of the parade. Each of the five sub-themes gets a section in the parade, complete with a float, puppets, and masked dancers. Because of Hurricane Katrina, the parade will begin with a great flood, symbolizing the disparities in our world, Spieler says. When the parade reaches Powderhorn Park, a ceremony featuring a giant sun puppet, a great tree of life, and over 300 dancers and puppeteers marks the finale. These final images are symbols of hope for the future and the rebirth associated with May Day. Soozin Hirschmugl, co-section leader for “The Time is Now to Speak the Truth,” has been working with the Heart of the Beast for 15 years.

“One day I woke up and there were 50,000 people in my yard!”

Hirschmugl’s section focuses on Janus, the twoheaded Roman god of doorways. “He’s the god of beginnings and endings … polar opposites, the past and the present,” Hirschmugl explains. A giant two-headed mask of Janus will adorn the float, while rolling doorways pushed by skeletons will precede and follow. This section also will feature dancers dressed in raven and crane costumes, to symbolize death and hope respectively. Hirschmugl enlisted the help of local organizations including South West High School, the Harriet Tubman Shelter, and immigrant rights groups to make doorways representing truths they believe need to be spoken.

By crossing the threshold of the doorways, the skeletons, once “in the closet,” are brought to light.

ever been,” she says. Nemetz encourages everyone to become involved with what she describes as “the most significant event of the year.”

Volunteers range from young children to students to older artists and community members.

Most are from Minneapolis, but one woman had come from Viroqua, Wisc., bringing with her a foreign exchange student from Germany. The mix of cultures in the theater is obvious in the bilingual signs describing each station in Spanish and English.

Cordes emphasizes the economy of the materials used, including recycled grocery bags, newspapers, plastic containers, fabric, and cardboard.

Even the clay is recycled and reused from year to year. Hirschmugl estimates that the clay used for the Janus mask mold is between 25 and 30 years old.

Kevin Long, who has worked as a technical director and freelance puppeteer for the Heart of the Beast Theater, sees the May Day Festival as a coming out after a long winter. He enjoys watching every spring as things go from the planning stages to conceptualization. Long and the rest of the artists and volunteers are well aware of the approaching deadline. Last year he stayed up until 4 a.m. the day of the parade, putting the finishing touches on his float. “Some of the paint was still wet as we pushed the thing out the door,” he remembers.

When asked if she thinks everything will get completed in time, Nemetz smiles and says, “It always does.”

The May Day Parade begins at 1 p.m. on Sunday, May 7 and runs along Bloomington Avenue from 26th St. E. to Powderhorn Park. The festival in the park continues until dusk.

Rain date is the following Sunday. A free public workshop is scheduled for Thursday, May 4 from 7-9 p.m. for those interested in being involved with the May Day Festival. For more information call 612-721-2535.

Campus

www.wakemag.org

5

miranda peterson

It’s Not Easy Being Green

Learn to be more environmentallyfriendly at the Living Green Expo

By Elizabeth Aulwes

Hybrid cars, compact fluorescent light bulbs, Green Routes, organic fruits and veggies, recycling, fair trade, pesticide-free household and hygiene products, local agriculture, biking, hemp clothing, free-range chicken and eggs, windpower, soy milk, public transportation and more. These are just a few components of adopting a sustainable lifestyle—if you can make sense of the environmentally-friendly barrage. Sound like a lot to deal with? That’s where the Living Green Expo comes in.

The fifth annual Living Green Expo, which will be held Saturday and Sunday, May 6 and 7, from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. both days at the Grandstand building at the Minnesota State Fair Grounds, is sponsored by a variety of local environmental groups, non-profit organizations, the Minnesota Pollution Control Agency and other local businesses such as Target, 3M and Twin Cities Natural Food CoOps. The expo aims to bring green options to Twin Cities residents to make life simpler and more sustainable.

“Let’s be concerned about how we’re living our

for your pet,” on sustainability in religion and, of course, on sharing energy-saving solutions.

More than 230 companies showcasing green products, resources and services will be at the expo.

There’s an eco-fashion show scheduled, live music and other environmental artists, such as Richard Bresnahan, a professor of art and sustainability at Saint John’s University and the College of Saint Benedict.

Local band The Owls will play at 4 p.m. on Saturday. You might recognize their single “Air” from Radio K. The extensive list of exhibitors, artists and green organizations won’t include politicians. “This is an event sponsored by so many different organizations,” Gustafson says. “We have a common interest, but there won’t be any campaigning. It’s not a Democrat or Republican thing.” Gustafson says she wants people to learn and get informed at the expo—without the politics.

That doesn’t mean green issues shouldn’t be on political agendas. “As individuals and as a commu-

“Let’s be concerned about how we’re living our lives in the long term.” lives in the long term,” says Ami Voeltz, the founder of the Twin Cities Green Guide and the lifestyles and recreation team coordinator of the expo. “More than anything, it’s inspiring,” she says.

This year’s expo is drawing big names. Will Steger, a Minnesota native, environmentalist and artic explorer, will speak Saturday at 1 p.m. about the climate changes he’s seen firsthand. PBS’s Wanda Urbanska, who hosts Simple Living, will talk Sunday at 1 p.m. about ways to reduce stress.

“There’s something there for everyone,” says Laurie Gustafson, marketing officer of the MPCA and the expo. “This is about choices and trying to meet people where they’re at, without the guilt factor,” she says. That’s why there’s such a focus on education at the expo, Gustafson explains.

There will be more than 66 free workshops, with subjects ranging from eco-tourism to “green collar jobs” to wallet-friendly health food. They even have workshops on “sustainable medicine

nity, we need to be conscious” of our environmental choices, Voeltz says. Frank Duoma, team coordinator of transportation for the expo, agrees. “We need to start to think about these alternatives,” Duoma says. The market will likely adjust to take care of these concerns, Duoma explains, but he favors a dual approach, implementing regulatory measures alongside natural market shifts.

“Avoid the single-occupant car,” Duoma says.

It’s the best way to reduce emissions and improve your ecological footprint, which Duoma explains as a person’s impact on the environment in everyday living. Walk, bike, carpool or ride the bus whenever possible, Duoma suggests.

But living green isn’t a lifestyle that can be adopted overnight, everyone admits. The expo is about “how to incorporate simple living ideas” into everyday life, Gustafson says. “We’re looking for simpler ways to live. It’s a fun thing to be a part of.”

Campus

www.wakemag.org

6 stacy bengs

What Happened to All the Beer Cups on the Ground?

Student groups clean up campus and make beautiful marks

by Jessica Mann

In the midst of the brutal Minnesota winter, most freezing pedestrians would hardly consider the grey and barren University of Minnesota campus to be particularly beautiful. But as the weather has grown warmer and the days sunnier and longer, campus has slowly shed its wintery grit and grime to reveal green grass and blooming flowers. While the university’s grounds and buildings (many of them, anyway) could be considered quite pretty on bright spring day, it takes a considerable amount of work to keep them that way.

On April 20, the university celebrated its annual Beautiful U Day, even though the weather wasn’t quite so gorgeous. Despite the rain, volunteers turned out to partake in a little spring cleaning and gardening, including picking up trash, planting flowers and tidying up buildings. “We still had hundreds and hundreds of volunteers,” says coordinator Lori-Anne Williams. “People were everywhere in the rain and mostly people still did what they’d planned to do—it was great. I was excited that so many people wanted to be a part of it in not-so-perfect weather.”

Since its inception in 1997, Beautiful U Day has become an annual campus tradition that is held on or near Earth Day and involves faculty, staff, students, alumni and members of the surrounding communities. Each year, volunteers come together to clean, paint, plant, and “generally revitalize the university.”

Beautiful U Day is a three-time Minneapolis Committee on Urban Environment Award winner for “innovative approaches to campus improvements” and is considered a success by those who work for months to organize it. “It’s to celebrate what we’ve already accomplished—we have made the campus more beautiful,” says Williams. “I think we’re taking better and better care of it.”

Many different student groups and organizations sponsored events in coordination with Beautiful U Day and offered their services as volunteers.

MPIRG handed out free reusable coffee mugs to students outside Coffman. “The only condition for students getting a mug was signing a pledge that they would fill the mugs with fair trade products whenever possible, and that they would work to reduce their personal waste by using the mug as opposed to repeatedly buying paper cups,” says Andrew Thomas, MPIRG’s organizing intern.

One of the major goals of Beautiful U Day, though, is encouraging students to try to beauti-

fy their environment more frequently than once a year. While doing so might occasionally involve picking up litter or washing windows, people can make a more consistent impact by reducing their “environmental footprints” with certain changes in lifestyle. “Part of it is to raise awareness so that people are thinking,” Williams says. “I think students need to think about what kind of footprint they’re leaving. We can all become a little bit greener. I believe that what we can do is just to take little steps until these things become habits.”

One way to develop these habits is to become active with other students on campus that are working to encourage sustainable and environmentally-friendly lifestyles. “Cornercopia” is a student-run “transitioning to organic” farm on the St. Paul Campus that grows over a hundred varieties of fruits and vegetables. It was started in the spring of 2004 when students wanted to develop a place on campus to grow organic foods.

The student group What’s Up in Sustainable Agriculture received a Beautiful U Day grant to plant perennial trees, shrubs and flowers on the student farm as part of a design for a natural ecosystem.

The design includes plants that will grow well together—for instance, an apple tree might be used as a trellis for a grapevine.

The farm also has a highly educational mission and it’s designed to get students as involved in the process as possible. “It’s important to give students hands-on experience and it also teaches them skills you need in the business world,” says Courtney Tchida, student programs coordinator for the Minnesota Institute for Sustainable Agriculture. A farm planning and growing class is offered during spring semester and internships are available for students during the growing season.

But it’s not just students who are working beyond Beautiful U Day. The university as an institution is working to create a more sustainable campus, from teaching and research to waste management, building design, and purchasing decisions. “All the departments are working on different ways to be more efficient,” Williams says. “We want to be a greener university.”

For more information on the university’s sustainability mission, visit the Sustainability and U website at www.uservices.umn.edu/sustainableU. To get involved with the student farm, go to sof.coafes.umn.edu.

Voices

www.wakemag.org

Open Wide

Currently, there is still a fierce battle between the new age liberals and the hyper-traditional conservatives. The most important events, in my mind, surrounding the issue of oral sex, all show progress in the public acceptance of crotch-carousing behaviors.

In modern-day South Africa, an ethnic group

You know what I love?

The book The Little Prince.

Multi-vitamins.

Big, rainy storms.

Cupcakes.

Yahtzee.

Oh, and I sure love sucking cock.

Well, I prefer to receive, but it was a good way to start, eh?

Finals are the joyous time of year when you have to finally begin to read your books and store information, however, rarely are we allowed to learn about things that are really important, like the history of oral sex. So, for all your carpet munching and dong dining needs, let me teach you something you’ll really enjoy.

Oral sex has been considered deviant behavior for centuries. Justifications for this prejudice include complaint that it wastes precious man-seed and is unclean and unhygienic. Much of the dislike of oral sex also arises from bias against homosexuals and homosexual practices. Despite this nasty reputation, people have been giving, receiving and talking about oral sex for centuries because, well,

nix wurdak

People have been giving, receiveing and talking about oral sex for centuries because, well, who doesn’ t love oral sex? who doesn’t love oral sex?

Though it is difficult to come by much written information about oral sex from the ages, it is frequently seen throughout ancient sculpture and drawing. Archeologists studying everyone from the ancient Egyptians to the Mesopotamians (who, interestingly, used to same word for both “semen” and “fresh water”) to classical European Renaissance art have found depictions of oral sex, largely fellatio.

In ancient Roman society, oral sex was talked about primarily in terms of power. For example, the culture frowned upon a man who gave oral sex, as it put him in a submissive position. However, it was socially acceptable for him to receive oral sex, as slaves and debtors were often on the “giving” end of the deal. Though the act was presumably still enjoyable, it was publicly practiced for reasons of domination, not pleasure.

The Kama Sutra, which was written some time around the fourth century A.D., and loaned to me by my mother (yes, my mother) covers the topic of oral sex with great detail, primarily, however, as something done among eunuchs and “unchaste women.” Though tips for techniques, referred to in the book as mango-sucking and oral-churning, are provided, the author presents sentiment that this genre of sexual acts should not be practiced by upstanding citizens, as it was traditionally considered an unclean deed. Women who were known to frequently give oral sex were considered undesirable for marriage.

During the Renaissance era, public admittance and discussion of oral sex was nearly abolished thanks to some handy craftwork by the Catholics and Jews. Religious elite publicly and strongly con-

7

jeremy sengly

demned any and all sexual acts that were not conducted with the specific intention of procreation. A frequently cited biblical passage related the story of Onan, who was murdered by God for wasting his juice and not impregnating his dead brother’s wife; apparently, Onan practiced the ever-faithful contraception method of pulling out.

In defense of oral sex, as justified by the Bible, I feel it necessary to include a quote from the Song of Solomon, “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men.

In his shade I took great delight and sat down and

his fruit was sweet to my taste.” Though I’d argue with the fruit being ‘sweet,’ I think it’s a nice sentiment.

The curators at the British Museum of Art were so taken with Puritan ways that they decided to do away with the presence of penises on the male sculptures. The effects of this artistic emasculation are still found in the museum, though the removed genitalia are still in existence, carefully stored in a drawer on location to be used solely for masturbatory purposes by the interested museum staff. Just kidding. Well, maybe.

called the Malays hold it as a sign of beauty for a female to lack her 8 front-most teeth. This perfectly sized gap is popular because it is known to facilitate fellatio, which is the primary method of contraception for the people.

In 1998 in a Houston suburb, John Lawrence and Tyron Garner were caught in the midst of an anal love fest by Texas police officers responding to a (false) tip that there was a “weapons disturbance” in the apartment. Though the only weapon being used was a rock-hard cock and the only ammunition some creamy cum, the police officers arrested the two men on charges related to the state’s anti-homosexuality law. In 2003, the U.S. Supreme Court rendered a verdict on the case. By a 6-3 ruling, the justices found that Lawrence and Garner did not violate any constitutionally sound law. With this decision, the court overturned any state laws that penalized sodomy. In addition, the implications of Lawrence v. Texas also protect an individual’s right to participate in acts of oral sex.

Another significant event in oral history happened just over a year ago, on April 1, 2005. In Nashville, Tennessee, porn star Summer Nyte set a new world record by giving head until ejaculation to 249 men in a 14 hour period. If you do the math, this equates to just over 3 minutes per man and more than two pop-cans’ worth of cum. The oral event was filmed and sold as The World’s Largest Blow Bang. I downloaded a bit of the video and, honestly, it became very boring very quickly. I did, however, develop a serious craving for bananas. Ms. Nyte is apparently eager for a sequel.

Recently produced literary works referring to oral sex are largely more supportive of the hobby, as is evidenced in the piece “Put it in Your Mouth” by lyrical master Akinyele.

Now you can lick it, you can sip it, you can taste it. I’m talkin every drip-drop, don’t you waste it. Baby, slurp it up, its enough to fill your cup, it’s finger lickin’ good and I’m wishin’ it would go down kinda slow or even fast. I’m always sprung once I feel your tongue in the crack of my ass, just eatin’ me-nigga, goin’ out like that boy you pack such a tasty treat and you can eat me out, but put it in your my mouth.

Wow. There is nothing I can say to top that.

So, yes, put it in your mouth and enjoy your finals.

Nix Wurdak is a Voices columnist and welcomes your comments at letters@wakemag.org.

8

Athletics

May 3, 2006

The End of Shhhhh Award:

Gopher’s Dance Team

Every semester there is a certain team that does something unbelievable and completely under the radar. It appears the Gopher dance team has done it four years in a row. With a fourth straight national championship this year, Minnesota’s dance team is a dancing dynasty. Maybe a fifth consecutive national title will give these ladies the recognition they deserve.

Sorriest Super Bowl Ever Award: Super Bowl XL The spectacle of bad officiating, horrible football and a disturbing halftime show featuring 94 year-old Mick Jagger shake like a crack addict does not make for good entertainment. The Super Bowl is supposed to be the climax of the NFL season.

Instead we watched Detroit-darling Jerome Bettis fail to run in a one-yard touchdown, Jerramy Stevens drop three balls and Troy Polamalu screw up multiple coverages. Even Super Bowl MVP Hines Ward dropped two passes, including one in the end zone. Despite the bad football, the officiating may have been worse. A phantom holding call on Matt Hasselbeck at a critical point in the game was downright mysterious. The only good story from the Super Bowl was Hines Ward getting the chance to judge this year’s Miss America pageant. Bastard.

Most Innocent Man Alive Award: Barry Bonds There is no way this gentle, fun-loving teammate took steroids. Everyone loves him (just ask Jeff Kent). And finally we have proof to dispel these fictitious steroid rumors: Bonds wore a “Say No To Drugs” wristband in 1987 as a member of the Pittsburgh Pirates. This means that Bonds would never knowingly take steroids. Remember, Bonds has never failed a drug test and even his lawyer says he is not guilty. For authentic, unbiased information about Bonds visit his website where the truth about Bonds is revealed in his journal. It is obvious by the number of fans supporting him on the website and all the smiling pictures, that he is a peaceful man who would never, ever take steroids.

Of course, we could be wrong.

Rising Senior Star Award:

Vincent Grier

Men’s Basketball

This senior athlete has mad skills. Grier may have not lived up to expectations created by his AllBig Ten 2004-05 season. However, the Charlotte, N.C. native was able to finish his senior season with the Gophers on a high note.

Last year Grier dazzled many Minnesota basketball fans with his assortment of rim-rattling dunks and team-leading 17.9 points per game. The 6-foot-5 guard/forward’s success led Minnesota to a 21-11 (10-6 Big Ten) record and an NCAA tournament appearance last season. This year, Grier suffered through an early season injury (a broken bone in his shooting hand) and a losing season in conference play.

Grier’s Gophers finished its season at 16-15 (5-11 Big Ten), but individually he flourished toward season’s end. On March 15, Grier thrilled the Williams-Arena faithful with his final home performance, leading all players in points (18) and assists (8), while pulling down seven rebounds in Minnesota’s 73-58 NIT win over Wake Forest. Grier followed that performance with an 18-point, 8-rebound effort in Minnesota’s 76-62 loss to Cincinnati — his final game as a Gopher.

What the Hell Happened Award: Gopher Women’s Basketball How do you lose five players in two weeks? Is Pam Borton really that scary? We may never know the answers to these questions, but one thing is certain: The women’s basketball team is in shambles.

After losing Jamie Broback, Liz Podominick, Natasha Williams, Lauren Lacey and Britney Davis, the Gophers will need a miracle to reach the NCAA tournament next season. At least ex-Gopher coach Brenda Frese is also struggling to revitalize Maryland’s basketball program. Oh wait, they won the National Championship this year. Never mind.

Athletics

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9

Semester Awards By brian tolentino, Jeff Barthel and Tyler Rushmeyer

Most Improved Gopher Award:

Kelly Roysland Women’s Basketball

This third-year Gopher played both backcourt positions (point and shooting guard) and served her team as either a starter or Minnesota’s top bench option.

Roysland, a junior from Fosston, Minn., earned a career-high in points this season. She scored 257 total points, including an 8.9 per-game average — both of which ranked second on the team. Roysland absolutely blazed-up Big Ten three-point arcs this season, making 51.2 percent (21-41) of her threepointers in conference play. Kelly also led Minnesota in overall three-point shooting (30-69, 43.5 percent) and in free throws, converting 77 of 93 attempts.

One final note: On March 18, in her team’s last game of the season — an NCAA tournament game vs. Washington — Roysland led all scorers with a career-high 23 points.

Chariots of Gold Award:

Heather Dorniden

Women’s Track and Field

The nation’s top female runner is a freshman from Minnesota. As odd as that sounds it may very well be true.

Dorniden, a freshman from Inver Grove Heights, Minn. (Rosemount High School), won the NCAA national title at this year’s indoor championships in Fayetteville, Ark. She won this title in the 800-meter competition by running it in 2 minutes and 5.64 seconds. Dorniden’s performance was also the first national title to ever be accomplished by a Minnesota runner.

In Dorniden’s outdoor season, the freshman phenom obliterated a U of M record in a meet at the University of Georgia April 8. Dorniden ran 800 meters in 2 minutes and 3.81 seconds. The Minnesota 800-meter record previously belonged to Ann Lundin (two minutes, 7.71 seconds in 1985).

Look for Dorniden to break more records this June at the national outdoor championships in Sacramento, Calif.

Upcoming Events 05/03 • Softball vs. North Dakota State Jane Sage Cowles Stadium, 4pm

05/05 • Men’s and Women’s TrackMinnesota Throws Bierman Track Complex, 3:30am

05/05 • Men’s and Women’s Track - Meet of the Unsaintly St. paul, minn. - Hamline university, 3:30pm

Former National Champion and Heisman Hopeful Most Likely to be Sleeping on Your Front Lawn: After leading Ohio State to the 2002 national championship his freshman year, Clarett was suspended from the university and denied the right to declare for the NFL draft in 2003. He remained unemployed until he was somehow drafted by Denver in 2005. In camp, Clarett was hideously overweight, injured frequently and was found drinking alcohol in the team’s training facility. He was quickly released. Now millions of dollars in debt from legal

Maurice Clarett

fees, Clarett has made the logical decision to turn to crime. He has been charged with a total of nine counts of criminal acts, but is currently a free man out on bail until his trial begins. So at your next party, watch out for the guy that can’t afford the $5 keg cup and whips out a gun demanding liquor. The next morning, Maurice Clarett may just be sleeping on your front lawn.

05/06 • Softball vs. South Dakota State jane sage cowles stadium, 2pm

05/07 • Softball vs. South Dakota State jane sage cowles stadium, 12pm

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Sound&Vision

May 3, 2006

eric price

Soul Position Proves Things Really Are Better with RJ and Al

Sound & Vision

www.wakemag.org

By kristen mueller Rows of blinking lights illuminate a rectangular sign advertising the Triple Rock Social Club’s entrance. Underneath, a large, goateed bouncer guards the West Bank bar’s door, while inside a 21plus crowd downs Amstel Lights and mixed drinks before lumbering outside to join the (mostly) underage crowd leaning against the entrance to the Triple Rock’s concert venue next door.

Tyler Likkel, a 22-year-old Augsburg student and rapper heads the line. Earmuff-like headphones blast the Beastie Boys from a plastic-wrapped iPod in his shorts pocket as he paces back and forth, impatient to get inside.

By the time the club’s door opens at 9:15 p.m.

(15 minutes after they were slated to unlock), the sidewalk is lost under a jumble of young adults that stretches several blocks down Cedar Avenue, all waiting for the chance to catch Soul Position and One Be Low (a.k.a. OneManArmy) lay down tracks on a Wednesday night.

“I didn’t know Soul Position existed until a few weeks ago,” Likkel says. But judging by the crowd, soon packed shoulder to shoulder inside, and several sold-out shows at earlier stops on the duo’s 32-city tour, there are plenty of fans willing to throw down 10 bucks for a performance promoting the April 4 release of Soul Position’s sophomore CD, Things Go Better with RJ and Al. If you’re not familiar with the group, don’t let the disc’s cover art—a two-tone picture featuring a pair of crinkly-skinned white guys shaking hands— fool you. The twosome is actually fronted by the decades-younger RJ (RJD2) and Al (Blueprint).

RJ is a celebrated producer whose roster of singles and CDs stretches as long as an unraveled fruit-by-the-foot, and includes collaborations with Aceyalone, Massive Attack, and PolyphonicSpree.

Al has held it down as producer and rapper on his ’04 and ’05 records, “Chamber Music” and “1988,” as well as opening for Atmosphere at First Avenue in mid-November last year. Together, the super-duo has been hailed as “… two of the most talented artists making rap music today.”

On the surface RJ and Al’s pairing seems slightly off, like spying an elderly couple head-banging among a crowd of college students. RJ bobs behind Al on stage, alternately scratching albums and flipping switches on the turn-tables to release danceclub worthy tunes laden with old-school samples, while Al’s slick rhymes extol everything from the perils of tossing back Jager; “Every now and then I go out to the club and wake up with a girl who look like Dave Letterman,” (“Blame It On the Jager”), to dating advice for his niece; “You don’t need a kid.

You need a paper route,” (“Priceless”).

The common denominator between the day and night twosome (besides talent) is their attitude. From the get-go, it’s clear by the warm smiles dancing across their faces that they’re both having

fun—making it impossible for the hoodie-and-Tshirt-clad crowd to stand still. It’s an especially impressive feat considering this is their second show of the night, after dazzling an all-ages crowd at Fifth Element, the Rhymesayers Entertainment hip-hop shop in Uptown.

Although Soul Position promises “no gimmicks” on their best-selling album’s second track, the night was chalk full of them—from their matching button-up worker shirts with “RJ” and “Al” name patches in the upper left corner, to shaking water onto the crowd during an encore of “Unlimited,” when the lyrics call for “Throw(ing) water on the crowd if the show gets too hot.”

And then there’s Mo’ Buttons. After RJ sneaks backstage during “Hand Me Downs,” Al spits his technology rant into the mic. “Technology is taking over,” he says. “It’s like the technology arms race…Got your flip-top phone, Blackberry, Sidekick. Yo, you didn’t even like that shit ‘til you saw my shit.” Which is when RJ reappears as his alter-ego Mo’ Buttons, in a throw-back to the days of foot-long cell phones (think Zach Morris) and room-size computers.

Decked out in a long-sleeve tee covered in, yep, buttons, with the words “MO BUTTONS IN THIS BITCH,” stamped in black block letters on the back, a big rectangular box covered in smaller geometric buttons strapped on his chest, and a swiveling button pad attached to his head, obscuring his face, Mo’ dances a jig while spouting organ-like tunes from the machine on his chest.

“I don’t think they were ready for Mo’ Buttons,” Al says with a laugh.

Next the lights dim, and Al tells the audience, “Reach into the pocket at your hip. Pull out your cell phone. No one’s gonna steal it,” he continues.

“We all got one. We don’t even answer our own shit.” A few hundred phones glowing white and blue lift towards the ceiling, the twenty-first century equivalent of lighters swaying in the air, as “I Need My Minutes,” an ode to Verizon Wireless, pumps forth.

Center stage, Mo’ keeps dancing up a storm; leaning to the left, than right; stepping back; and raising his arms in the air. “What you just witnessed was the minutes dance,” Al explains. “We’re teaching it one city at a time,” he adds, before the crowd attempts to sway in unison to a chorus of, “I need my minutes (slide left); I need my minutes (slide right); back up off my minutes (roll back); raise up off my minutes (arms up).”

After a two-song encore, RJ and Al head straight for the makeshift merch tables, where fans thrust posters and t-shirts forth to be stamped by the pair’s signatures. “My boyfriend loves you. Can you make it out to Rocky?” a girl asks RJ, while a guy slaps Al’s hand.

By the time the hyped-up crowd disperses into the night, it’s apparent. Gimmicks or not, things really are better with RJ and Al.

Ra ch

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La

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11

12

Sound & Vision

May 3, 2006

Album Reviews

Drive-by Truckers: A Blessing and a Curse By michael mitchell The Drive-by Truckers win two awards in my book: first, they’ve got the funniest name I’ve ever heard, and second, they’re the only contemporary “southern rock” band that doesn’t make me cringe.

The key to the Truckers’ success is sincerity— I believe every word that singer Patterson Hood says. The same goes for Mike Cooley and Jason Isbell. That’s right, there are three songwriters in this group. And while a southern rock band with three singers sounds like a recipe for disaster, this Athens, Georgia band makes it work.

A Blessing and a Curse, the band’s latest release, finds the Drive-by Truckers continuing to craft their time tested, hard-rocking alt-country skills. As usual, the songs are full of melancholy and devastation, distorted guitars and twangy vocals.

Tracks like “Feb. 14,” the CDs opener, have pop hooks that sound ready for radio while never compromising the style this band is known for.

The sound of A Blessing and a Curse is incredible. Mixing veteran mixer John Agnello manages to balance the massive sound created by this five-piece while maintaining something of a live feel.

As the summer rapidly approaches, everyone needs to find that loud, rowdy album that will get them through the warm months ahead. Luckily, the Drive-by Truckers’ A Blessing and a Curse has arrived just in time.

The Drive-by Truckers will be at First Avenue on May 17.

Calexico: Garden Ruin

Pretty Girls Make Graves: Élan Vital

By haily gostas

By brian kushida

Even Calexico’s most loyal fans are likely to be thrown off-guard by the eclectic duo’s latest album Garden Ruin (Quarter Stick). Previously trademarked by an oddly striking blend of folk, mariachi and jazz, Calexico have chipped away at their distinctiveness and emerged with a new sound best described as, well, ‘rock.’ Maybe even ‘watered-down alt-country’ at times.

At first, I desperately wanted to retreat back to the sensual outlaw flamenco that was 2003’s Feast Of Wire. But though their change was initially unsettling, it was still intriguing enough to inspire the second, third and even sixth listen that proved redeemable.

Right away I noticed that Garden Ruin is Calexico’s first album free of their lush instrumental tracks, shifting from a once-familiar delicacy into the sinister minor-key opener “Cruel.” There is also now a bigger emphasis on frontman Joey Burns’ elegant voice, but it is slightly smothered and takes a few songs before he learns to convincingly overpower the empty space left in lieu of these adjustments in instrumentation.

And things certainly do heat up eventually.

“Roka (Danza de la Muerte)” has an irresistibly sexy Spanish chorus and that ol’ Calexico feel.

“Lucky Dime” is equally catchy and smooth, with addicting chord progressions and beautifully layered call and response vocals.

This time around, however, there is less emphasis on elaborate arrangements and instead an intense focus on underlying themes. Garden Ruin is a very real, emotionally raw record that ultimately impresses if given the chance. When the arrestingly epic final track “All Systems Red” swells from quiet to loud with heavy-hearted lyrics like, “Watching a horse running down its last legs / when you think it couldn’t get much worse / the numbers rise on the death toll,” you’ll trust Calexico to take you anywhere.

Recording an album using Italian and Latin phrases paired with references to Eastern European mythology and geography is quite an ambitious project for an American band. Pretty Girls Make Graves has done just that with Élan Vital, while still maintaining the sound that put them on the map.

Incorporating trumpets, saxophone, drum programming, piano and even whistles on Élan Vital, Pretty Girls Make Graves prove their multiple talents aren’t limited to their respective instruments.

In fact, if the quintet’s instrumental repertoire were to be classified on a Terror-Alert chart, this album might very well put them at a threatening yellow.

After guitarist Nate Thelen left Pretty Girls Make Graves a few years back, it seemed as though a major player would be taken out of the band’s two-guitar volley dynamic. His absence in Élan Vital is duly forgotten by new member Leona Marrs.

Demonstrating she isn’t a substitution for Thelen but rather a noteworthy addition, Marrs provides keyboards, accordion, piano, melodica and a little bit of backup vocals to complement lead singer Andrea Zollo.

Highlights of Élan Vital include the mystic “Selling The Wind,” the sorrowed keyboards concluding “Pearls On a Plate,” and guitar riff-happy “Wildcat.” The strongest song of the album, “Pictures Of a Night Scene,” ironically doesn’t sound like Pretty Girls Make Graves at all; it is sung entirely by bassist Derek Fudesco instead of Zollo.

Pretty Girls Make Graves has certainly developed an approach to songwriting to create one of the biggest surprises of 2006. And when they come to the Twin Cities in May, don’t forget to pick up a copy of Élan Vital. After all, they do have the best band name in music, if not the most true.

Pretty Girls Make Graves will be at the Triple Rock Social Club on May 3.

Literary

www.wakemag.org

The house in front of us was about the size of a two-car garage. “This is Nick’s brother’s house right?” I question Aaron not wanting to walk into some random house. “Of course,” Aaron said, following Nick up the incredibly small flight of stairs.

Nick turned the knob, and we all walked in awkwardly. We got a few glances since we were the odd men out. The room was filled with the smell of alcohol and fun. It was packed to the brim with people; we knew none of them. All of these students graduated at least a year before us, and all went to rival schools of ours. None of them knew Aaron or me so we decided to make up fake backgrounds for ourselves just to make things entertaining.

Nick headed for the keg and Aaron and I were left in a lurch; we decided to sit down and take it all in. The first people that we saw happened to be a sexy nurse and something I would like to call a mermaid. The nurse was wearing the cliché tight fitting short-skirted ensemble and the mermaid was covered from the waist down in green scales and a top thing of some sort. So are you guys from Saint Paul too? they started questioning. Yeah we are. This was the only thing truthful coming out of our mouths. Oh cool, so what year did you guys graduate. Aaron and I looked at each other and both said completely different numbers. It was a combination of 2003 and 2002 they didn t really seem to catch our folly.

The conversation got worse from there. We continued and one thing led to another and soon Aaron and I both went to a private Catholic school, instead of our ugly, run-down, jail of a public school.

We said we knew about five of the girls’ friends or cousins that went there, every name they would mention we immediately said we knew them. This wasn’t done as way to be mean or manipulative; we just realized we would never see these people again and found this funny.

As our conversation continued, a large fratlooking guy came into the room announcing: “Everyone, we’re heading out to State Street in a few minutes.” Just coming from that swarm of drunken chaos to get to this toy box house, I was ready to take another pilgrimage. As the sexy nurse and the mermaid found their sexy cop friend, a strange new face came out of the kitchen. He walked with a presence that was felt through the house and his attire demanded his name to be spoken—Jesus. He wore a dingy white robe that looked as though it had been used as the mat next to the bath tub. With his long, brown hair that was greasy and stringy and his robe, the whole combo all preached, “How I look isn’t important, but my message is.”

I felt that my three-man party, consisting of Aaron, Nick, and myself, wasn’t up to par with our dress. Aaron and I were recently divorced Mario and Luigi, with blazers, original white gloves, green and red hats and recently shaven mustaches. (Madisonians were not happy with our lack of commitment to character.) But Nick was the best dressed of all of us. He was in a large Sponge Bob Square Pants child’s costume with a blue hood and rather rough facial hair. Donning a lit cigarette always seconds from falling from his mouth, he looked as if Nickelodeon had just given him his pink slip that morning. Despite this small obstacle, or asset, depending on your view, I knew Jesus would accept us for who we were as people.

Everyone walked out of the house leaving the door wide open. There were about seven or eight of us in total and Jesus showed us the way to State Street. After passing the Romanesque police that lined the only passage to the street, we found ourselves in front a sea of intoxicated college students.

Everywhere you looked there were more sexy nurses and more Mario and Luigi look-a-likes. With the decision of right or left, we all chose right as a

13

A Halloween Messiah

by Alex Brown

group and ventured cautiously into the churning mass of characters. Everyone was having a good time because it is always fun to yell for no reason at random people you don’t know and the only reason you can connect to them is through the fact you recognize who they are dressed like. Like “Batman! Yes high five!” or “There’s Waldo. I found him; he was peeing by the bookstore!” With our group being led by the most popular man among college students, the J.C. himself, and his sidekick of a down-on-his-luck Sponge Bob, we couldn’t go wrong, or could we?

This continued for what I would say felt like about 15 minutes. Once we were all starting to get tired of walking the group pulled off the main street to talk about heading back. The big frat guy said, “Let’s head back. We still a whole keg to finish” Looking around I felt like something was missing.

There was a whole; our chain had been broken.

We had lost Jesus; he was still on State Street. So many visions ran though my head even though we had just met. I felt I owed him. “I’m going back for him! Who’s coming with me!” without waiting, I dashed back onto the street. Mario was the only one I had seen following me back in to the Hell from which we had just come. (I mean Hell in the best way possible.) As we kept walking, some areas of the street were so crowed with costumed freaks that there wasn’t enough room to move. Every step and every shout of “Jesus, Jesus Christ?” made me feel that much closer to finding him. All I could do was imagine him spreading his vision of the best Halloween ever; it brought a tear to my eye that amidst his exile he would still be working towards helping the cause.

As our journey pushed on through the slurry of people, it seemed no matter how fast we went it looked as if Jesus was just out of our reach. We were nearing the end of State Street and still no sign of him. We were asking people if they had seen him and one kid responded, “Yeah, Jesus just got arrested. They put him in a squad car.” “THEY PUT HIM IN A SQUAD CAR!” He had been busted

Aaron Ridgeway

for public intoxication. I thought it’s not his fault his blood consists entirely of wine. My heart sank and a feeling of dread flowed over me like a white sheet hung to dry on clothesline on a warm summer day. Not wanting to believe this, I asked the kid: “What did you Jesus look like? Was he short?” The kid said no. He said no. That’s all I needed to hear.

I knew my savior wouldn’t desert me like that. At the same time my head became confused with the thought of more than one Jesus, but obviously the other was an evil fake. With only hope left in our hearts and no more streets to conquer, we headed back to the refuge of the disheveled Sponge Bob’s brother’s house.

We got back and waited, Aaron and I went to the small porch and took the chairs down to the lawn and started our wait, only to see drunk after drunk walk by. No sign of Jesus, but then in the mist and coming from the totally opposite direction, our friend came. Aaron and I leapt from our seats to meet him. “Jesus! You will never guess what happened.” We regaled him with the story. With a smile and a calm tone he left and cried with our struggles and was appreciative. Once our hold on him had loosened, he walked into the house. Aaron and I stayed outside and just listened to the screams that arose from his return. Recently resurrected, his first order of business was to change his wine from ordinary wine into wine in a glass. All Aaron and I could do was smile and know everything worked out and our messiah of Halloween was fine.

Editor’s Note In this finals issue you will find a fiction story by Alex Brown, who was the winner of a fiction contest that David Lassett helped me put together. I hope Brown’s story will give everyone a chance to escape from the frustration of tests and papers. But before I end my last note, I would like to thank the readers of the literary section. It has been an honor serving your narrative needs.

Kim Gengler

Literary Editor

14

Bastard

May 3, 2006

Best of the Arbitrary Awards Most dynamic professor

Professor Dynamo Nicest thing to say to a nazi

“I disagree with your values, good sir.”

Best of the want ads WANTED: To break the Guinness WANTED: Bird flu… I mean bird stew. Why would I want the bird flu? world record for longest fingernails.

I don’t really want to have the record That’s just silly. so much as I want to freak the shit WANTED: An ice cream machine out of people. that dispenses insults instead of ice cream.

WANTED: A better understanding of how gravity works. “Because God WANTED: Killer bees that are really said so,” is not a satisfactory answer big, like the size of a cell phone, to my questions. but they don’t actually kill, and are really nice, and could be kept as WANTED: Poisonous words, so pets. I bet you scare the shit out of people will be forced to think twice a lot of little kids with a swarm of before they say “sticks and stones those things. may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

WANTED: A cell phone that doesn’t need a battery charger, because it WANTED: Bon Jovi. Dead or alive. won’t rely on batteries, but rather a complex system of pulleys…

The pulleys, however, will need a charger.

Least polite way to say goodbye

“You smell like a rotting skunk carcass and I hope I never have to see you again, ‘cause I’ll probably vomit if I do.” least sexiest underwear for valentines day

Shit-stained skunk skin stupidest way to talk

Like that guy who thinks he knows everything, but he doesn’t...no sir, he doesn’t Youngest grandfather

Cody Smithsithson, 10 years old... don’t ask, it’s very complicated and involves several lunch breaks least common thing to overhear when walking by the river

“The Mississippi sure looks pristine. Let’s stop and have a sip of the crystal clear water.”

WEBSITE OF THE ISSUE http://www.marriedtothesea.com/021506/booze-time.jpg

Best excuse for running around in the rain

“I need to get all this vomit out of my hair.” best kind of cop

Copping a feel Worst rock

Third Rock from the Sun...that show sucked

Bastard

www.wakemag.org

alex judkins

alex judkins

hilary falk

15

Can you find all 13 Wakies hiding in this picture?

Connect the Dots 2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

Color by Number 1

Backtalk

www.wakemag.org

Dear Dr. Douche,

I have a problem here. It seems that I have contracted a pretty bad case of syphilis, and let me tell you, it is quite irritating.

My problem is, I have had over 35 partners in the last two weeks of crazy partying at Alpha Chi Omega, many of whom I don’t even remember, and all of whom do not remember me (thank god for roofies, amirite?).

I know the right thing to do is contact everyone I’ve had sex with, in case I am responsible for frothy, greenish-yellow discharge slowly foaming from their penis and/or vagina. However, how am I supposed to contact someone if I never got their name or number?

Please let me know what I should do. I don’t want to be “that guy” who doesn’t call after giving you The Drip, you know?

Thanks for the help.

—Burns while I pee

15

Dear Burns while I pee,

I’m no doctor, but I think syphilis is curable. So if you can’t remember everyone you’ve slept with, it’s OK. They will eventually figure it out, and get treatment before it turns into “insanity, blindness, or paralysis” (pfft, who’s “Mayo” and what does he know, anyway?). You just worry about getting healthy, my brotha.

Also, I’m no doctor, but this column is a fucking joke.

—Dr. Douche Dear Dr. Douche,

It doesn’t fit. Help!

—Wrong Hole Murphy Dear Wrong Hole Murphy,

Use a safety pin to poke a small hole in the tips of all your condoms. I’m no doctor, but the increased airflow is exactly what the doctor that I am not ordered.

—Dr. Douche

14

Literary

May 3, 2006

True Love

By Dick Fritter miranda peterson alex judkins

The Gold Fish

By Cee Cee (I want to kill myself) Larkin My gold fish swims And skims the waters Of his fishbowl.

He makes faces at me While I pee because He lives in the bathroom.

Sometimes he lies On the bottom of his Bowl real low Pretending to be dead.

But he’s really overfed And big time lazy.

But one day when I changed the water He jumped out AND COMMITED SUICIDE! THAT STUPID FUCK FACE FISH THAT NEVER LOVED ME THE RIGHT WAY!

Asinine

By Mel Landers She stands astride, begging me to pass through To come inside, to show me the truth Her lust is her mind, everything she ever knew With guttural moans she invites, begs me to do (,what,) While on her back she lies, prepares for me to She fluffs, I stuff, we flex and stretch.

Rough and tough.

Our love is a battlefield.

I get pushed out, she screams out Next.

I want to leave a kiss On your moist cleavage Because there’s no way I could piss Away my chance at your beaverage.

Longing for your lips, I think of your gyrating hips And how much it would mean For me not to be seen While I watch you change Outside your window.

I dream of the day When I can lay Next to you and eat A bloody steak so sweet That you and I share.

I can only compare This vision With the ass bang I got in prison.

Now that’s true love!

Death

By Xavier Slade III I feel my pain Like a needle in the soul.

Prinks and points in my being.

I feel my pain As death creeps into my bed Where we lay, mourning Our broken relationship That was dashed to pieces When you cut me your words.

I feel my pain At the bottom of a bottle.

I drank it at dawn on the subway As I rode away from you.

The pain is so overwhelming I can to cry in public But I can’t because I am a man And I should not even be writing Poetry because if anyone found out I would be called gay.

Maybe that’s what My pain is really about?

If only I had a vagina.

French Roast and Fall – Translation Reflection

By Seth Simons I put out my cigarette on the bus door, spewing my own poison out, and inhaling the toxic fumes outside, and think of the pollution now filling my lungs. I chastize corporate America internally, silently: Crying, “Swine, give me a chance to taste my own life. My love. My essence.” Digressing, my foot swings me up onto the bus.

I thought of her when I saw him. Coughing, stinking, fidgeting. I want to hold him as I held her, but I do not want to make the same mistake again. Ambiguity aside, I sit across from him, watching his moves.

He speaks in tongues; the Heavenly words I sought to hear from her so often. She would not even perform this simple act for me—she said she was blessed once, by me, by the gift of my mere presence. Her lies lie encrypted in her tongues. I, her interpreter, am a reflection and reminder of her falsities.

The man’s face reflects in the darkened midnight glass, a public mirror for passersby to see him and wonder, “Is his face mine? Am I him?” I can see him, also, but I see him from my seat, and I can smell him, his scent wafting into my nostrils.

The smell is reminiscent of her—fish mixed with cigarettes and intimacy: My security. Blood rushes to my cheeks and I slide myself towards the edge of my seat, hoping to put a hand on his shoulder and slide my finger down, playing back his tune like a needle on a turntable.

He pulls away, though. Chanting his noble tune, he pushes the red lever by the window, shoves the glass, and rolls onto the street with a quiet thud.

I will not miss him, now. He did exactly what she did, what she was always good at: Abandoning.

Voices

www.wakemag.org

13

Number of Shields Sold per Year

Your Protection, My Protection and the Federal Shield Law A concerned CSOM student speaks out

Mr. moneybags I am deeply troubled. Every morning I wake up, I make my coffee, I loosen my tie, and I am soothed by the cadence of CNN’s broadcast. Between stock trades, I hear them talking: Oil prices are rising, the former Enron guys are on trial, the Dow is up—wait, no, now it’s down. Scratch that, it’s gone back up again.

These are the pivotal news items of our time!

However, one less prominent issue has captured my attention: The debate surrounding the Federal Shield Law. I am shocked that this debate has even come to the table. It has me so upset that anyone would oppose such an obvious and necessary law.

As a Carlson School of Management student, and a participating citizen of this country, I feel it is my duty to stay well educated on issues like this.

This country wants, nay, needs a Federal Shield Law. Ordinary citizens like you and me require its protection. We are vulnerable, and a change must be made.

Truth be told, I would voluntarily carry around a shield. A big, shiny one; perhaps with a custom, engraved crest! Shield manufacturers around the country have been in a bit of a rut, however. The market for shields has severely declined (see Figure 1) since the 16th century. Sales figures are dwindling and most, if not all, shield manufacturers have closed their doors.

Suffice it to say, I’ve been unable to purchase my shield. And, boy, do I need it. Conceal-and-carry? What is that? I need a bloody shield.

I envision the shield as the next big accessory fad. Personal protection aside, nothing will look

better next to your cell phone and PDA than a bigass, gold-plated shield with rivets and a chain mail sleeve.

Not only is it our right, as American citizens, to

Personal protection aside, nothing will look better next to your cell phone and PDA than a big-ass, gold plated shield with rivets and a chain mail sleeve. carry shields; Federal law should mandate it. This would not only afford you and I the protection we need, but it would also revitalize an historic and vital industry.

The American government, since its early days, has largely ignored the shield industry and it’s high

time we put a stop to that. A federal law mandating shields is just what the industry needs to get back on its feet—that and perhaps some subsidies to create synergies with steel producers.

Once this industry has regained its footing, it can give a leg-up to the longsword industry: another excellent source of commerce being completely ignored. Yes, cell phones, PDAs, shields, longswords and bouts of jousting: just what this country needs.

Finally, I would like to applaud the journalism community in this nation for giving particular attention to this obscure topic. I’ve noticed many journalists taking an impassioned stance on this issue and I think it’s marvelous. Journalists obviously have a sense of their need for personal protection, and great sympathy for an embattled industry.

Certainly, you’ll agree this issue needs to be addressed. Write your Congress representatives! Call MPIRG! Get involved! We need a Federal Shield Law today!

Andy Tyra is a concerned Carlson School of Management Student and is also the president of the International Coalition of Shield Manufacturers (ICSM).

12

Sound & Vision

May 3, 2006

One-Eyed Sculptor Compensates for Lack of Depth Perception By marcelle simone “People just don’t understand. If everyone would just close one eye for one day, maybe then they would fully realize the 2-D hell that I inhabit,” sculptor Edmund Auch laments. A single stream of tears rolls down his right cheek.

“I’m sorry, you’ll have to excuse me. Sometimes I say stupid things on account of the eye.”

Auch is a true inspiration. Rejecting what society has deemed appropriate one-eyed careers (like pirate or ruggedly handsome soap opera star), Auch has decided to tackle his lack of depth perception head-on.

“I try to look at the bright side. I see this void in my head not as a disability, but rather a gift that has provided me with an entirely unique artistic perspective. I save a lot of money on contact lenses and Visine, and I’m at a 50 percent lower risk of developing an eye tumor. I bet that would be horrible...”

Auch’s asymmetrical face twists in uncomfortable remorse as he recalls that fateful day when he and “lefty” parted ways. “I was 10, full of 10-yearold dreams of hitting the next home run in the big game.” But after a freak accident with a Red Ryder BB gun, Auch’s batting average was soon dwarfed by the average number of times he “whiffed it.”

But Auch was not easily defeated by his inability to gauge distance and momentum. With a seldomparalleled bravery, Auch picked up the pieces of his broken field of dreams and reassembled them, defying all odds to pursue one of the world’s most three-dimensional of disciplines: sculpture.

Auch went on to describe his triumph over monoscopic vision in the world of 3-D art in moving detail, but unfortunately I folded that portion of the interview into a paper airplane. He totally didn’t see it coming.

Dave Hagen

Kid Rock Concert Cures Local Teen’s Seemingly Insufferable Existential Crisis By peter Dear Diary, I had reached a point where nothing did it for me anymore. It seemed all I could do was hole myself up in my room and ponder the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience, and regard my existence as inexplicable in this antagonistically indifferent universe. I didn’t even enjoy crying into my vinyl collection anymore. Self-deprecation?

Hah—could it be any more passé? I had even forgotten how to hate my parents!

No offense, Diary, but often times, when I felt these weathered pages couldn’t contain all my inner anguish, when I felt as though the aforementioned antagonistically indifferent universe would crush me into oblivion, I created an iPod playlist of expressionist piano music and went for long walks

with hopes of clearing these troubled thoughts.

Even that, however, was proving futile. I felt directionless. Perhaps, I decided, I was looking up to the wrong people. I had admired Morrissey since Hot Topic started manufacturing those deck Smiths t-shirts, but when I found out he was a celibate vegan who practically melted from sunlight, I realized I was only further smothering myself with negativity.

So the other night I tagged along with brother Chuck to his tech job at Xcel Energy Center.

Chuck’s alright. He’s 32 and still lives with our parents, but he seems to have life more figured out than I do, because he has a job and everything. So naturally I trusted his judgment when he told me I could use an evening away from pondering the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience and regarding my existence as inexplicable in this antago-

nistically indifferent universe. Word, Chuck.

As it turns out, this musician named Kid Rock was playing a concert there on that same evening.

I’ve been meaning to check out some of his older lofi underground experimental basement tapes that people have buzzed about, but I was really heavily into other bands at the time and everything, so I never got around to it. Regardless, his music blew me away, especially the selections from his genius record Kid Rock, which I think Pitchfork might have given an 8.4. I personally found it to be so emotionally naked. Like the brutally powerful tearjerker “Rock n’ Roll Pain Train,” where he laments that even American badasses get lonely? Or how about that poignant ballad, “Cadillac Pussy?”

That shit cuts deep, Diary. Deep.

I could tell by the audience’s dry humping and middle finger flashing that all were equally moved.

This was definitely a mindless fad near-religious way of thinking that I could really get into. By the end of the evening, things were really looking up. I met and exchanged numbers with this really sweet girl named Flossy who had just gotten tested for chlamydia and totally didn’t have it! How perfect is that? Also, I got an exclusive invitation from this guy named Scott Stapp to go play chess and discuss Nietzsche with him and Kid Rock and some of their really friendly female roadies in Kid Rock’s trailer.

Apparently some of it might even be filmed for…I think they said a PBS documentary? Radical!

Well, that’s all I have for now, Diary. It’s always nice to know other people have been just as perturbed with their own mortality, but are choosing to elevate from it in really healthy, positive ways!

Bawitdaba, Peter

Sound & Vision

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just a rip-off of that lame-ass country band.” So when I sat down with the dynamic duo for their first interview in over six years, the first question I had was, “What is your response to Nelly’s allegations towards you?” Fresh and Rich looked at me,

M. Rich has this to say: “If he doesn’t like my Bill Shakespeare stuff, well he can bite my thumbI mean, it’s all about the seventeenth century if you ask me.” their eyes welling up in sadness. “Well,” said Fresh, “I just wish that he could get past his jealousy or anger, or whatever, and come hang out at a show.

We just want to be friends.”

M. Rich had this to say: “If he doesn’t like my Bill Shakespeare stuff, well he can bite my thumb—

11

I mean, it’s all about the seventeenth century if you ask me.”

I caught up with Rich and Fresh later in the week at their rehearsal space, the group study room at Wilson Library. The room was hot, and I could see that their wool sweater vests were beginning to confine them. Money had taken off her penny loafers and had her argyle-clad feet resting on a stack of books. Rich’s trademark tweed newsboy cap, an Irish family heirloom, was resting snugly on top of his head, but I could see that beads of sweat were starting to form underneath his thick, brown beard.

I got a chance to hear Rich do a little free-styling, part of his notorious creative process for writing new songs. “People are always asking for my lines / I give ‘em words so stylish and fine.”

Meanwhile, Money stood in the corner, lips pursed in concentration over her clarinet. As the first few notes emerged, I gasped. I had known about her incredible ability to play and beat box simultaneously, but seeing it in person was almost overwhelming.

As I left the library, I wondered what was ahead for Fresh and Rich. Certainly fame and fortune, but would they ever resolve their differences with the greater hip-hop community?

Dam Poule

Movie Review

Partners in Passion By steven sassman Using epic gun battles to explore the emotionally stirring relationship of two Des Moines police officers, the new surefire blockbuster Partners in Passion is set to ignite screens with gratuitous car explosions and steamy romance.

John Steele (Samuel L. Jackson) is a battlehardened cop forced to take on a new partner in Martin Lovejoy (Ben Affleck in a truly moving comeback role), the gentle and idealistic new recruit. In the opening scene we find out how John’s previous partner was brutally murdered by the new

dam poule

I know I’m not alone when I say we’ve all been waiting for Jean Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris to not only exchange some roundhouse kicks, but some sensual kisses as well. gang in town, the Little Ladies, a syndicate of crossdressing midgets. John finds it hard to trust anyone after this emotional loss, but Martin soon unlocks his heart with his gentle companionship and smoldering good looks. Together they set out to track down these sadistic killers and show the world that gay people can kick some serious ass.

I can’t even think of a way to describe how original this film is. Except maybe to say it’s like all four Lethal Weapon movies rolled into one—if each had an artistically respectable amount of Mel Gibson / Danny Glover sex scenes. Hollywood has finally made the perfect film: an action spectacle with a gripping social conscience. Crash did a commendable job of showing racism but could have taken things to the next level by adding some kickpunch Jackie Chan-style action and maybe a wise cracking black cop—someone like Chris Tucker.

And while Brokeback Mountain was a nice look at the special kind of love cowboys share, I felt it could have benefited from some well placed shootouts and maybe a cameo from Clint Eastwood.

In my opinion, there are simply not enough gay characters in today’s action films. I know I’m not alone when I say we’ve all been waiting for JeanClaude Van Damme and Chuck Norris to not only exchange some roundhouse kicks, but some sensual kisses as well. With Partners in Passion, it was as if someone finally had the courage to explore the homosexual undertones of Bad Boys 1 and 2 while keeping the gratuitous explosions. I say bravo, nameless someone!

In the tradition of Waterworld and Cleopatra, Partners in Passion will be the single most expensive film of all time, with a reported budget of $300 million. However, with this year’s Oscar nominees fresh in mind, Hollywood is ready to make movies that matter again. But it wouldn’t make financial sense to craft multiple movies dealing with each topic individually when one massive blockbuster could be crafted to take on racism and sexuality while providing an excessive amount of machine gun fights in the crime riddled state of Iowa.

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Sound&Vision

May 3, 2006

Bringing Back the

Olde School

By penelope calloway

with

H. Money Fresh & M. Rich

“Well, we find it important to incorporate pentameter, as a sort of homage,” says M. Rich about his structured approach to songwriting. Like the other mainstream hip-hop artists of today, M. Rich and H. Money Fresh call on legends of the past for inspiration. Their personal muse: William Shakespeare.

“If you think about it, Bill was actually the original master of rhymes and beats,” says Fresh.

Her five “remixes” of Sonnet 18 (“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”) have earned her a reputation as one of hip-hop’s most innovative and artistic women.

Meanwhile, her accomplice Rich has made a name for himself as the premiere free-style sonnet performer in the industry. Rich has come a long way from his troubled past in poetry class at the University of Minnesota. His fight towards the top is documented in his first feature-length film, To Battle Or Not To Battle: That is the Question.

As I’m sure we’ve all heard, Nelly has recently spoken out against Rich and Fresh, saying that ripping off Shakespeare is lame, and that being a “poetry-reading pansy” doesn’t make them good rappers. Besides, Nelly adds, “Fresh and Rich is

Athletics

www.wakemag.org

To Hell with Monson,

We Want Clem An open letter to Bruininks and Maturi By jp frederick

Alex Judkins

inuscant m me ignifi s ha n s i r y o t o!? F ll pet him g e sma t m e l o s e al w onse of me. scand becau or sha ng about n eating innesota. F ri ey h a b c c o , e s i r l r o e cu atur work ty of M ve his play oel M hing, home t iversi J a e n e h k d i n U l n o lem sa ues e ot bout Did C ivolous iss inink red a d he g kay? W b Bru g. An t, fr ota, o He ca o n s n d n . i e n a B o n m t n a n r n u l r n i t i o l a u Dea imp it! W ? Hel our— y of M as in the a ith damn e law ard nal F versit , i h h w i w y t F l n t s i d i n g e U e l e o n h l l i ng p fil s the ds—t believ ketba d ne thi This i of lan a dum -filled rac s! Bas ball. I ens an and o oliest asket no les oats, chick ot k like h b , g o g e n g d o n r l e h a u t t a a m b D g o c t . a d c d y s e n a n e inven u M sa di eers h l the k a akes 6. An n egg siona nced e pion the top of of 187 t h a t m p ers, ro tte t thos , delu er bou t u c v i a t b k e a a h , r i p t u h o h d o t a o ing s. enoug ting up sh baby sn’t w t ave y ychop dream rcasse ta a k, doe st ps ped. H et r r a o o , s p e c s o e e e m s h r t w n t n e s w o o y n co co you esn’t ted h n’t b in m et Mi where dung? It do was inven y by would omeway, g Even every o, pla tes I ll n s d a i a , t l o b s l t w t ? a e o n n g k h e a tb n s ntal e d k i e e a r o n k m b o g s m u o J , a r s e t b d as the ? You ichael . at’s h could nd ye h a h M A e n . n . o W d a l o i s l . e s on at a Mon ores ur id Four ? Our Dan M r S.A.T. sc Final line? O int shaving Rickert, . iters think point o cto the U to the k er wr u o P e p o ic . e d a Y r R a p o : e h ? t u s e d i e r e o i l r d y h u u u team The t o r t t o i the ke? O ow t e the thing r fort ea. Du they? now-h rather hav do their n any this ticula d a k e s i , e r e t e r t a n m h u r t e o s O o as me ould than rollm it, wh g Dan h ese na y unus en ... wa Dan w cated appin Do th think utterl hries kers? e edu studio ds, tr s p a r i m t y s a m l o t ” t o h u c n s a s t b e r e e s e am Kris H our drunk and t o the and b acros ut the all te earn owa t ating g abo l I sketb n , in i a . g f our r y For k b n n o u l d i “ o a t d stu Bort e is all t. op of ther t es, an s: bea m r n o n b c a o b o li t P t j t e s n o d n n ame curre dam the sid that la le. Get to i Let’s ship n n. p tually a near able. o g e’ll c t s n n p i n A ia e k . o c s d n g, peo sy. H M u ac In the si ackin ats! a pus camp amed l d g s R t n n be n n , o i o n a h t u n e s s is r o ” , y dese Mad ’ve be y. A fi enure inner nding All of rs—t est nd we h to fr saw ic sta eni s o b a e m s Rats! , fi s e h e s s t r n h e d b i e t f g a jo bigg Hask od ac unnin etball l ers — e pro r o m p g e m a ’t l “ o p n H I have C s s e ! e’l bask ou ar und ith hi e term n 30 years uy, w an. It’s a te”...Y i e som two k aro g t y a c G i n r r o s r a e o i n b n f e h w a m s y J io e T s at e’ll e her Dann s, get U has m se gradu ed! H s the at trip tment nt ter to com t is becau “high damn paper ruits depar a lan bo transcende c p h o g m e g, , r T r d n s n i e , i l r ! r t e nest illag choo ginee darn Dylan y play iting those high s sm at it’s fi the 3 P’s: p tighty s m. Pa p r o a m o l r w o t a g b e i y o f r l h e pr pa ne. ck he apita love o ng th n wit o c i i a t e d g b e ty w h i a e g f — t l r f o l b g i d t r ould gelho years s. Fo how re an ng. P ic inte nderi of her ow what sh ns back he nows on nd adem a k l s c t a i r e a e h e g m e n p p : e i h i o l r pa C kn Hask t any ring t g and Matu e u n e , ng! I i m o d s i s r e b n n h e l k e t a u d n C l c e t ini som plun r just oks, p ankin e grea y. Bru n’t ilande r it eckbo ffer fr Get th e yesterda ateve r’s ch we do nd ph ray, o e h a p , r l w e g o , e h s o r . And h a k f ;b o c l c s v s e a e a e s e e b f e h . n m n d him of t nd k u see exual ers hi . We ands a fide ing yo st philand I say s mself h i h e a t r h r n y u a s o o n r d b y a or on ju ocal, m. ilande s. ey yrrh, Mons equiv ho ph ck Cle n , Cas and m ed, un Auerbach ng ba ach w Haski i g o e r d c r m B e o e a ! l fl fullRed takes need eed C Rushm s , a n . i t s e d i r M W a e r.

Clem n th omb epend winne s are o nce L n his d er. Vi And Haskin ould shit i . s m n i le winn k s C den w m Ha el and n Woo l IQ of Cle Steng s. Joh l e a h b c t e a sk of co he ba had t if he

9

8

Athletics

May 3, 2006

Lawmakers Discuss Controversial Funding for U Stadium Libraries may help improve athletic atmosphere By tyler rushmeyer In a somewhat expected move, the University of Minnesota has announced that libraries across campus will be shut down and their contents sold to help fund the proposed $248 million football stadium pending congress’ approval.

Rep. Ron Abrams (R-43B) introduced the bill informally known as “Books for Balls.” Rep. Adams is also the chief sponsor of the football stadium bill. Political analysts expect the bill to easily pass through the House and Senate in the coming weeks.

If passed, Gov. Pawlenty, who has openly expressed his support for the bill, is expected to sign off and give university officials the go-ahead to begin the

clearance of all libraries on campus.

“It just makes sense,” Pawlenty said at a Monday press conference. “The common student no longer needs the libraries or the books within them.

Have you ever heard of Google?”

The soon-to-be abandoned buildings have been a hot topic of discussion across campus. If the bill is passed, it is expected that Wilson Library will be converted into “One huge kick-ass frat,” as described by Greek Association President known only as “Killer.” University officials could not confirm Killer’s assertion, but judging by the increasing amount of Coors Light cans and discarded pink shirts outside Wilson, the conversion may already have begun.

Other university libraries may be converted into eating establishments, according to a press release from the university. President Bob Bruininks said the university has been in talks with multiple national food chains.

“Thanks to the MSA’s recommendations, the university has met with representatives from Hoot-

ers, IHOP and Denny’s among others,” Bruininks said. “We’re making great progress and I think students will really appreciate being able to grab a beer and wings or a plate of pancakes on campus.”

Bob Decker, a University economics professor, is thrilled by the proposals outlined in the new bill and the prospect of new restaurants on campus.

“Having a Hooters on campus would be perfect,” Decker said. “I haven’t read a book in years and I’m fully behind the bill. Hopefully congress can find a way to get it done.”

Coupled with the excitement of a campus-wide renovation of university libraries is the support of the funding that the massive book sale will provide.

Abrams, speaking with reporters Tuesday, said, “Well the real winners here are the students. With the dusty old books being sold off to universities who inexplicitly are not in support of new sporting facilities, students can expect their $50-a-year student fees for the stadium reduced to somewhere in the range of $45.”

If the bill is passed, the books will be up for

pro wake life

sale at public auctions to be held at times throughout the summer. University officials, confident the bill will move through the state legislature quickly, have set a tentative auction date of June 15 on the Northrop mall. Students will be able to bid, but football coach Glen Mason, among others, have highly discouraged it, stating that it really adds to a anti-football atmosphere across campus.

“I’m just saying that if students across campus used all the time they would waste reading books into donating and campaigning for a new stadium, the campus would have already had it built,” Mason said. “By boycotting the purchase of the books, students can send a message to the Capitol that they will not let academics get in the way of a mediocre football season and a unheard-of bowl game.”

The total monetary gain for the university from the book sales is estimated to be around $5 million or approximately two percent of the stadium cost.

The bill, which has garnered unprecedented support throughout the state, will be voted on by the House in the coming days.

Campus

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Preaching to the Pagans: One year closer to a near success

By Katie Nelson

7

aaron ridgeway

MINNEAPOLIS—More than a hundred Christian missionaries from across the nation have migrated to the University of Minnesota for the annual “Preaching to the Pagans” conversion convention.

This two-day event spotlights the yearly exodus of students from the university for the summer and the need for swift action to save their lost souls from living another 3 months away from the divine spirit of God. Reverend Jeremiah Wakefield, Texan evangelist and director of “Preaching to the Pagans” explains the importance of reaching out to impressionable young students.

“The youth’s minds are being filled up with the liberal garbage about tolerance of other religions, peace, equality, and free love. What they really need to be taught is the good word of Jesus Christ, and God willing, we’ll covert every one of these hippies into upstanding Christian patriots.”

The goal of this years’ convention is to explore new and innovative ways to convert nonbelievers. Many of the speakers stressed the im-

portance of implementing new techniques such as interpretive dance, puppetry and interacting on a personal level with students.

Although, it may seem like fun and games, many campus missionaries have had harrowing experiences while advocating the good word. One such occasion was during an event called “Take a Shot Against Sin” held at the Kappa Omericon

“Several people mooned us, and the bushes around the back were subjected to unnecessary watering.”

Gamma Epsilon Fraternity last May. “The participants were told that there were free kegs and shots for all those who were willing to listen to a ten minute presentation about living life without sin,”

said Samuel Monroe an aspiring minister, “At first we were thrilled to see how many students showed up to hear about the gospel, but the crowd soon became unruly when we explained that we had purchased root beer kegs and purely Jell-O shots instead of alcoholic beverages. Several people mooned us, and the bushes around the back were subjected to unnecessary watering. When a mob of students rushed the church van, knocking it back and forth was the first time I feared for my safety; it was pure chaos.”

Aside from periodic setbacks, most participants of “Preaching to the Pagans” describe it as an overwhelming success; we’ve almost had a convert the past four years in a row. Annie Mueller, three-year veteran says this about her experience at the convention “Its amazing to see such dedicated Christians making changes at such a sin-ridden University. If I can bring just one person into the light of the Lord, my life will be complete. Plus, that would totally secure my ticket to heaven.”

6

Campus

May 3, 2006

The Rub on

FLUBB This student group turned in a fees committee request on a napkin and received $847,289.00 dollars in fees.

Who are they?

jessalyn courtney

By Angél Knutson Brit Snodgrass rapped his maroon and gold robe tighter around his body against the evening spring chill that had settled on the East River Flats.

“This may have been the very same robe that He wore when He accepted His almighty position,” Snodgrass said, the firelight from the torches that dotted the valley reflecting in his thick, blackrimmed glasses.

Snodgrass, of course was referring to the Almighty Robert H. Bruinincks, President of the University of Minnesota. (Editors note: Snodgrass agreed to the interview only if we promised to capitolize all references to the President). In the torch-lit field behind Coffman, members of the “Friends Loving an Unadulterated Bobby Bruinincks” student group (FLUBB) gathered to “worship this man who may not be a man at all,” said one group member, “but a bureaucratic being,” he adds with awe.

The leader of the student group, Snodgrass, was chosen under very interesting circumstances. “So yeah, I was able to figure out that Lord Bobby was born on a Tuesday evening, which is seven letters

long,” said Snodgrass, a second-year Mathematics major. “And my middle name is William. Not only am I graced to have the same name as Him, but it has the same number of letters as the day of His birth.” Immediately many of the followers of the group began twirling around in circles chanting “Bobby” 7 times until Snodgrass lost his glasses and spent at least 5 minutes trying to find them in the dark, dew-covered grass.

Not all at the university are grateful for FLUBB’s presence. Stevie Prude, co-chair of Students for Pessimistic Values, another student group at the university, is not at all happy with FLUBBs’ participation on campus.

“They’re fucking nuts!” Prude says, from his group’s cramped office cubicle on the second floor of Coffman that is also shared with eight other groups.

“They have the whole fucking third floor,” Prude adds, “And they turned in their fees request on a cocktail napkin!”

“It was a napkin from His office, the office of the President,” Snodgrass said when he had been questioned about the unique way that the group had submitted their fees request. “We pulled it from His trash the week before. It had this interesting

coffee stain on it that bore a resemblance to our great Leader,” he adds.

Currently, FLUBB receives $847,289.00 dollars in student fees funding. This is in comparison to $30.00 for the Minnesota Daily, $24.99 dollars for the Queer Student Cultural Center, and $0.02 cents for Students for Pessimistic Values.

“Our Leader has graciously supported us, bearing great gifts,” Snodgrass says, “We want of nothing.”

When asked about the huge discrepancy between the amount of funding FLUBB recieves and the amount the Minnesota Daily receives, Harry Peacock, head of this year’s fees committee just shook his head. “I have no idea, “ he says disgustedly. “In fact, get away from me.”

In the meantime, FLUBB continues to grow and prosper. On the banks of the Mississippi river, the light from the torches reflected dully off a huge finger painting of the President. “I like to think of us not as students,” Snodgrass says, stopping spinning for a moment to catch his breath, and find his glasses again, “But as people who once were lost, and now … aren’t as lost.”

Campus

www.wakemag.org

5

Keeping a Close Watch on Wakie University makes guinea pigs of The Wake dam poule

By “Wake-Reporter Specimen 3A” In a shocking turn of events Friday, The Wake was granted full operational funding from the university for the 2006-2007 academic year. After the Student Fees Service Committee shorted The Wake more than $30,000 of their requested fees earlier this semester, the Strategic Positioning Research Task Force budgeted unlimited financial support for the student-run magazine.

The blank check does have a catch, though. “Its not like they gave them the money out of the goodness of their goddamned hearts,” says Vice Provost for Student Affairs Jerry Rineheart, who intervened to approve The Wake’s fees last spring but declined to do so this time around. The Research Task Force granted unrestricted funds to The Wake conditionally—the magazine has agreed to allow university researchers to study its production, as well as the staff’s academic and personal lives, up to 24 hours a day as long as deemed necessary.

“We have a chance here to really leave Wisconson in the dust,” says President Bob Bruininks, who developed the Strategic Positioning task forces to craft the university into one of the top three public research universities in the world. “At first I thought to myself, ‘Eh, let the Fees Committee shut that group of news-loving hippies down,’” Bruininks says, “but then I realized, we should take

this opportunity to study these students, find out what makes them tick to prevent these types from cropping up around here again.” He explained that researchers chiefly want to understand why these students believe so adamantly that the student body—of more than 50,000 students spread across three campuses—deserves more than one publication.

“Do they have some kind of beef with the Daily? Where are they getting these crazy revolutionary ideas against a ‘monopoly of the press’? What are those new-fangled professors teaching them in their journalism classes? These are the questions we hope to answer,” says Tim Mulcahy, vice president for research. Mulcahy explained that the university is in a unique position to facilitate such a study.

“Heck, most universities of this size and stature, especially those touting journalism schools, have historically funded a student magazine,” he said, “so they’ve already ignored a chance to examine the formation of something like this.”

Editor-in-Chief Kay Steiger says she is happy to be graduating this spring, before The Wake moves from its Dinkytown office to the center of Northrop Mall this summer. “I think it’s great, but personally, I’d feel weird working behind that interrogation glass,” she said. The new office will be a dome-like structure composed of two-way mirrors, explains Bruininks. Researchers will try to stay out of the way of production, by observing the news-

room from the other side of the glass, though they will follow Wake staffers to class, meals and “any personal outings or vacations of suspicion,” Mulcahy said. Researchers will bring camera-people as needed, and Wake staffers have consented to wear recording microphones at all times.

“Depending on how interesting the dynamic is, we might actually pitch it as a reality show,” Mulcahy says of the need to catch the research findings on tape. This is a new endeavor the task force began evaluating after managing editor Lane Trisko adds weekly pizza parties as well as a newsroom hot tub to The Wake’s account. “These researchers aren’t joking around. They want to study The Wake in it’s element, and we are sure as hell going to do everything we can to help that process,” Trisko says.

“These ‘leisures’ are absolutely necessary for our office to operate in full effect,” he explains.

“Since the fees committee was unable to articulate how much it costs to run a publication like the Wake, were kind of at a loss,” Mulcahy admits.

The research task force will trust The Wake, and approve all budget requests, he explains. “There’s just too much riding on this research to be frugal,” he says.

James DeLong, who founded the Wake in 2002 with Chris Ruen and is now on the Board of Directors, was “baffled,” when he found out he would be living with researchers and cameramen beginning in September. “Of course it is imperative that

we analyze the people who first birthed this brainchild,” Mulcahy said of this decision. “I was hesitant at first,” DeLong says, “but I guess I’d like to find out why I ever had that crazy notion that magazine majors should not only be able to, but should actually be encouraged to work on a magazine during college. Plus, the researchers did offer fair incentives.” DeLong says he did not have time to provide details on incentives, as he was being interviewed via telephone during a busy Board of Directors meeting in Hawaii.

“All I can say is that the presence of researchers might hurt our game, our concentration on the work at hand,” explains Vincent Staupe, a Wake reporter who has been spotted driving a 2006 Z4 BMW Coupe around campus, “so we’re making sure we have certain comforts to offset that balance.”

Comforts or not, some Wake employees are still not thrilled to work under the eye of university researchers. “We’ve had to raise our salaries quite a bit to get our staff to stay and work under these conditions,” business manager Andy Tyra says.

The Wake is currently hiring reporters for a new “World Travel,” section, private chef’s, bartender’s and masseuse’s for fall semester. See www.wakemag.org to apply.

Funds for the Wake will come primarily from what was previously budgeted as salaries for Student Fees Committee members, which is scheduled to be replaced by robots this fall.

Campus

4

May 3, 2006

Coke Head

Bruininks’ addiction equals sponsorship By ‘Ho Diddy Rumors circulated for years that the University has considered getting rid of it’s sponsorship with the Coca-Cola Company because of human rights violations by the company. But new evidence about the university president’s addiction to the fizzy intoxicating drink suggests that this day may never come.

Despite claims that he considered getting rid of the Coke sponsorship, University President Bob Bruininks recently told an unidentified source that the U could never get rid of it’s dependency on Coke dollars, mostly because the prez is too addicted himself. “Why do you think we have Coke instead of Pepsi?” he reportedly told our source.

When we contacted Bruininks to see whether or not this is true, he would only confirm the information by the empty Diet Coke cans surrounding his desk.

“I have to run to the vending machine for him at least four times per day, and this doesn’t count the Coke he drinks at lunch and the 24 pack that’s in his office,” Bruininks’ assistant, Sue McGan says.

“I used to nag him about his addiction, but I have now realized their’s no point.” McGan mentions that Bruininks has weekly dentist appointments because the Coke is ruining his teeth.

McGan says chances are very slim that Bruininks will get rid of the U’s Coke sponsorship, due to his addiction. “If we got rid of the Coke sponsor-

ship, Bruininks would quit as president. He thought about switching to Pepsi, but he’s just not a [Pepsi] fan,” McGan says.

In a survey of 50 students, The Wake found that students had a new respect for Bruininks when they learned of his Coke dependency. “Its cool to know that he’s human too, you know?” engineering sophomore Jon Fres says. “I mean who isn’t addicted to Coke?”

The human rights violations include unpaid overtime for Coca-Cola employees, horrible working conditions, and child labor, says a statement put out by the student group, Students Against Coke. It says the U should get rid of the sponsorship to take a stance against sweat shop-style labor.

But those who don’t really care about third world countries oppose this opinion. “That’s what America is about; taking advantage of the third world. If you enjoy shopping at the Gap and driving your car, then shut up and drink you’re Coke.

It’s about being American,” says American studies Professor Don Hal. Most students oppose to the sponsorship because the Coca-Cola Company has come under fire for violating human rights policies in its factories.

“I do not want my school to enforce something that takes away the rights of others,” says women’s studies freshman E.B. Mal. “Why does our school have to be corporate?”

The answer to this is simple: To keep prices down. Bruininks has said that the U’s Coke spon-

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sorship is vital because it pays for many of the amenities students enjoy, like a new scoreboard in Williams Arena. “It’s these kinds of features that attract students to our campus, so we want to keep taking advantage of that,” Bruininks says.

“The Coca-Cola sponsorship does keep tuition down because it pays for things we would normally take out of students pockets,” McGan says. “Bruininks would like to get rid of the whole Coke thing because then people would quit asking him about it, but he’s too much of closet addict to ever let Coke leave the campus,” McGan says. “Plus if he raises tuition and fees any more, he’s worried he’ll be impeached.”

Having a vending machine is every building is a consequence of the contract, but many students welcome the machines. “Without the vending machines, my day would be so much harder,” Fres says. “Almost everyone in all of my classes is always drinking some Coke product to make it through the boring prerequisites they make you take here.”

“If we didn’t have Coke, I’d just find Pepsi or buy it from the grocery store. I’d rather have Coke in my life than pay higher tuition without the sponsorship and sleep through my classes,” Ispep says.

This new evidence on Bruininks comes right on the tail of a new study that suggests that if students continue to consume Coke at their current rate, the composition of the human body may lose its dependency on water and rely solely on Coke.

Fall 2006 dave hagen

Production Manager Campus Editor S&V Editor Voices Editor Literary Editor Editorial Assistants Distributors Graphic Designers PR Interns Webmaster Advertising Executive Advertising Interns > www.wakemag.org/content/pages/Jobs

It Burns When I Pee

Letter from the Editor

BY ZACHARY CODY LEE CARLSON

You may have noticed that our Bizarro cover was a mockery of The Minnesota Daily’s front page. If you picked up this issue of The Wake thinking it was the Minnesota Daily, we apologize.

Those of you who made this mistake may not have noticed that it was different until you tried to find the crossword and were sadly mistaken. I realize this means many people will grab a copy of this issue and throw it on the ground in a fit of rage.

I apologize in advance for the influx of litter this issue will contribute to the campus.

Lance Urkunden

Managing Editor

P.S. Congratulations to Jenny Odegard and Eric Price. Jenny will be taking over as editor-in-chief and Eric will rule the world as managing editor next year. Kick ass!

Volume 4, Issue 21 Bruininks is addicted to coke Campus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Fuck libraries, we want football!

Athletics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Some Dickens-fresh rhymes Sound & Vision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Federal shield law, a business perspective Voices . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Love, death, and beavage Literary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Still no crossword or Sudoku Bastard . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

04 08 10 13 14 15

Staff Editorial Editor-in-Chief

Silk Kay Sweet

Managing Editor

Lance Urkunden

Athletics Editor

Ron Mexico

Athletics Assistant Athletics Staff Writers Campus Editor Campus Assistant Campus Staff Writers Literary Editor Literary Assistant S&V Editor S&V Assistant S&V Staff Writers

Film Critic Voices Editor Voices Assistant Voices Staff Writers

Ice “T” TJ Y-T Rushman No Youda Mann ‘Ho Diddy “Wake Reporter Specimen 3A” Angél Knutson Nico St. John You are my Achilles Heel M. Rich Penelope Calloway naked russian pop star H. Money Fresh We found the Eye Steven Sassman Give ‘em Hell Pierce Piercing Bob Dylan Mistress Oral Sex

Production production manager art director

Brendan Pants Dam Poule

cover artist

graphic designers

illustrators

photographers

copy editors

000111010001111 Jupiter Assblaster, without any help from those underage boys, thank you very much.

Blondie, but smart “I’ll row you into next week” Shannay O’cari Jupiter Assblaster and the Underage Boys Underage Boy #7 Microsoft Excel Dave Hagen Alex Judkins Underage Boy #3 Dam Poule Beng-Beng, you’re dead Courting the Temptress Will Rodgers Dam Poule “Livin’ it Green” Aulwes Benjamin Clayton Holy Mary’s Cumming K. Fresh

BUSINESS business manager office manager advertisting executive pr director distributors

The Wake really starts to get experimental when the staff agreed to be placed in a clear container and studied on the mall in exchange for funding. The funding spent on the newsroom hot tub is totally justified.

Jupiter Assblaster and the Underage Boys

photo editor web editor

05 Keeping a Close Eye on Wakie

Mr. Moneybags Mom Burger King Cassie Benson

10 Bringing Back the Old School with H. Money Fresh and M. Rich Isn’t it time spoken word got back to its true roots? H. Money Fresh and M. Rich want to bring back Shakespeare to modern rap, finding inspiration in a remix of sonnets and free stylin’ in iambic pentameter.

Relation of Robert McNamara Teach for America Dam Poule Steven Sassman

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Saint Bernard, Penelope Calloway, Cee Cee (I want to kill myself), ‘Ho Diddy, Mi Want Diversiti, JP Frederick, Dick Fritter, Angél Knutson, Mel Landers, Mr. Moneybags, Katie Nelson, Peter, Tyler Rushmeyer, Steven Sassman, Seth Simmons, Marcelle Simone, Xavier Slade III, “Wake-Reporter Specimen 3A”

©2006 Established in 2002, The Wake is an independent weekly magazine, produced by and for students at the University of Minnesota. The Wake is a registered student organization.

The Wake was founded by Chris Ruen and James DeLong.

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