Voice Male Summer 2000

Inside: • Boys' Rites of Passage • Coming Out on the Football Field • Why Do You Hate Me? • And a Baby Shall Lead Them

From the Editor

By Rob Okun

Be Truthful, Gentle and Fearless ince they have no single equivalent word in Chinese, crisis is defined as a mix of danger and opportunity From my vantage at the Mens Resource Center, I often witness men using the danger and fear of personal upheaval as an opportunity to awaken to what's possible for them to live whole, full, healthy lives. Whether calling for help on the phone, asking for a referral for counseling, attending support groups they voluntarily come to, or showing up weekly as court-mandated men who have been abusive with their partners, for those men the possibility to make deep and substantive positive change looms large. Some men recognize the changing landscape of gender relations and want to adapt; others react to what feels engulfing and need equal measures of persistent challenging and real compassion. Still others are initiating some of the changes themselves, recognizing in them an essential mixture for fueling positive cultural shifts in society But for all, the "transformative power of crisis"-not coincidentally the name of a new book r!'!viewed elsewhere in this issue-is a catalyst for many men today to describe how they are recreating their lives. And such shifts are not just occurring in the U.S. Recent experiences I've had with men in Great Britain and in Nova Scotia brought that message home.

In early spring, I spent several days in England meeting with a number of practitioners of menswork (the British spelling). Then in May, principals in a men's organization in Halifax, N.S., came to the MRC for a two-day training in building a mens center, echoing a training we did for a group in Taos, N.M., in 1998. (That training resulted in the creation of the independent Mens Resource Center of Northern New Mexico.) The feeling I had in each case was the same: men with a core commitment to redefining masculinity, and an abiding commitment as well to creating a culture of connection for both themselves and their members/participants. (My report about mens work in England, The New Knights: Mens Work in Great Britain can be found on page 8.)

On the back of Peter Davison's business card for Men for Change, the Nova Scotiabased organization he co-founded, it says "the core purpose of Men for Change is to build a healthy society through the promotion of positive masculinity and equality and nonviolence in human relationships." If that didn't make the point clearly enough, a quote by Gandhi serves as the organization's credo: "Be Truthful, Gentle and Fearless."

Peter and his colleague Don Himmelman, who epitomized the quote in their time at the MRC, brought with them two large, smooth stones from prized Nova Scotia beaches.

Each, about the size of a large, oval loaf of bread, had a word sandblasted on their smooth tops. One said "Welcome," the other, "Trust." As it happened, one of the facilitators of an MRC support group was driving to New Mexico the day the stones arrived. MRC executive director Steven Botkin, who had been preparing a packet to be delivered to the

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MRC in Taos, immediately recognized the importance of sending along one of the stones to New Mexico. With Peter:S and Don:S blessing, the "Welcome" stone headed west; the "Trust" stone was placed in the middle of the rug on the floor in the group room where men gather each week.

As Steven put it, "We are continuing to weave the web, building the network." From Amherst, Massachusetts, to London and Plymouth, England; from Halifax, Nova Scotia, to Taos, New Mexico , and points in between and beyond, the transformative power of crisis is itself changing into the healing possibilities of transformation. As you'll read throughout this issue, there are no shortages of powerful, positive examples.

Steven:S call, on the facing page, to examine just who the Mens Resource Center is serving, is just the beginning. In "A Football Player Comes Out" (page 12), Peter Cassels recounts what happened when the co-captain of a high school football team came out to his teammates. Israel Helfand$ and Jon Bliss:S moving exploration of rites of passage for boys, "From Boys to Men" (page 10), describes new rituals to assist boys on their journey to manhood. In "Roots of Empathy" (page16) Michele Landsberg offers another kind of "ritual" to stimulate nurturing qualities in children, particularly boys. In his Fathering column, Donald N .S. Unger discusses the nurturing qualities of men in "When Fathers Mother" (page 15).

Elsewhere, there are challenges. In his Outlines column (page 14), "Why Do You Hate Me?" Carl Erikson asks the hard questions everyone fearing gays needs to be asked. And for its part, Voice Male and the Men:S Resource Center look at our role in becoming a more welcoming place for gay, bisexual and questioning men in "Supporting All Men at the MRC" (page 14). Joe Zoske, Voice Males health columnist, puts needed attention on underreported health risks men face in "Unmanly Conditions: Health Problems Not for Women Only"(pa~e 17) and in his Notes from Survivors column (page 18), Steven Jacobsen considers the bravery involved in "Outing Yourself as a Survivor." Finally, Neil Friedman reviews The Transformative Power of Crisis, Robert Alter:S book exploring how to use the struggle and hurts from childhood to become healthy adults. .

We hope you fmd plenty to think about in this issue. As always, we welcome y<;>ur thoughts. Email us at mrc@valinet.com or write us at 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, Mass. 01002. Have a great summer!

TABLE OF CONTENTS REGULAR FEATURES From the Editor Directors Voice Mail Bonding Men @Work Fathering: Fathers Who "Mother"

By Donald N.S. Unger Outlines: Why Do You Hate Me?

2 3 4 5 15 14

By Carl Erikson Men & Health: Unmanly Conditions

By joe Zaske

17

Notes from Survivors: Outing Yourself as a Survivor

18

By Steven jacobsen Thank You MRC Programs & Services Resources Calendar

22 23 24 26

ARTICLES & OPINION Men's Work in Great Britain

8

By Rob Okun From Boys to Men: Rediscovering Rites of Passage

10

By Israel Helfand and jon Bliss A Football Player Comes Out

12

By Peter Cassels Roots of Empathy: How Babies Can Teach Kids to Care 16

By Michele Landsberg Supporting All Men at the MRC Book Review:

14

The Transformative Power of Crisis

By Neil Friedman

21

Poem: Nothing More Beautiful

21

By Angelita Isom

The mission of the Men~ Resource Center of Western Massachusetts is to support men and develop men~ leadership in challenging all forms of oppression in our lives, our families, and our communities. Our programs support men to overcome the damaging effects of rigid and stereotyped masculinity, and simultaneously confront men~ patterns of personal and sodetal violence and abuse toward women, children, and other men.

Main Office: 236 North Pleasant Street • Amherst,

MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801 Springfidd Office: 29 Howard Streei • Springfield, MA 01105 • 413.734.3438 H.mpohire Community Email: mrc@valinet.com l.lnllloldWIIy Website: www.mrc-wma.com

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Voice Male

Director's Voice

By. Steven Botkin

A Men's Center for Whom?

Administrative Staff Executive Director - Steven Botkin Auoclate Director - Rob Okun Development Director - Paul Entis Business Manager - Carl Erikson OU/ce Manager - George Moonlight Davis Men Overcoming VIolence

Dlfllctors - Russell Bradbury-Carlinâ&#x20AC;˘.Sara Elinoff Clinical Supervisor - Steven Botkin Partner Services Coordinator - Sara Elinoff Group Leaders - Juan Carlos Arean, Scott Girard, Dave Golf, Steve Jefferson, Rob Okun, Steve Trudel, Dan Williamson Intake Coordlnator/Court'Lialson - Steve Trudel Partner Outr~~ach Counselor - Mary Dupont Brandt Youth Programs

Socially Active Youth Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Javiera Benavente Youth Dialogue ProjectVafa Ansarifar, Mark Ribble Hampden County Programs

Dir11ctor- Juan Carlos Arean Voice Male

Editor - Rob Okun Managing Editor - Michael Burke Senior Editor - Steven Botkin Production - Mark Bergeron Copy Editors - Michael Dover, Maurice Posada Support Groups

Director - Juan Carlos Arean Board of Directors

Chair- Michael Dover Vice-Chair - AI Sax Clerk/TfllaBUfllr - Peter Jessop Members -Jenny Daniell, Nancy Girard, Thorn Herman, Ty Joubert, Yoko Kala, Tom Kovar. Brenda L6pez, She/lie Taggart Editor's Note The opinions expressed may not represent the views of all staff, board. or members of the MRC. We welcome letters lathe editor, articles, news items, article ideas, and news of events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss or delay; manuscripts will not be returned or responded to unless accompanied by a .self-addrfissed, stamped envelope. Send to: Editor.

Voice Male, c/o the Men's Resource Center.

Membership The MRC is funded by individual and organizational contributions, and by fees for services. Please join us in our vision of men healing, growing, and ending violence. Annual subscription and membership is $25.

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Voice Male

s the Men's Resource Center begins to engage more substantively in the selfexamination of strategic planning, one of the central questions calling for our attention is "Who are we a men's resource center for?" Our roots are in issues that have been defined as top priorities primarily by straight, white, feminist women and pro-feminist men-men's violenc'e against women, cultural and institutional sexism, liberation from the emotional, spiritual, and physical damage of rigid gender roles and conditioning. So we have created a men's resource center that has a deep commitment to these priorities, and taken on these issues as boldly as we can. We attract others who, like ourselves, share a primary focus on these priorities and issues-most often, straight, white men and women.

Over the years our long-term efforts to build dialogue, trust, and community within this group have produced many remarkable results. We are creating a common cultural experience as we learn to trust the solidarity of our increasingly shared agenda. As men who have often felt marginalized by the rigid and oppressive culture of masculinity, we are excited by the powerful experience of creating a culture of connection and trust with other men and with women.

And yet, we are told, most notably by gay men and by men of color, that the culture of trust and dialogue we have created with each other is not necessarily accessible or welcoming to others. We are told that the priorities and issues we are pursuing are missing essential pieces of their communities' agenda. And, in spite of the impulse to argue that these issues are important to all people and that we have always tried to be welcoming, we must face a disturbing observation: We have been mostly a men's resource ce~ter for certain people and not for others.

So now we can ask another important question: Do 'we really want to be a men's resource center for men of color and for gay men? Because, if we do , it seems that our good intentions and best efforts for welcoming these men into a set of priorities and a culture defined by people who are straigl:lt and white will not produce this result. While it is true that our staff has become more diverse over the past few years and that we are offering programs that serve more diverse communities, our organizational commitment to being a "men's resource¡center" for gay men and for men of color has lacked clarity and consistency.

This leads us to the really important and difficult questions: Are we willing to experi-

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ence the challenges that come with expanding our priorities? Are we willing to explicitly and directly address issues of racism and heterosexism within the organization and in our societ; ? Are we willing to disrupt the safety and trust of our culture to work on creating safety and trust with others? Are we willing to listen carefully to the voices of those who are likely to critique our often unconscious ways of ignoring and excluding them? Are we willing to share leadership (power) for defining priorities and culture in the organization?

While this is not an easy path to follow, it is clear to me that answering yes to these questions is one of the key next steps i~ the creation of an authentically multicultural men's resource center. Anything less than this would undermine our ability to promote ourselves as a model of a comprehensive men's resource center (another core strategic goal for me), and be a perpetuation of the racism and heterosexism of our society.

Over the past several months we have been creating a more active engagement with these questions at the Men's Resource Center.

Staff, board, and community discussions, and an anti-racism committee, have helped to bring attention to the significance of these issues for the future growth of the organization. We know from our ongoing experiences building dialogue, trust, and community across gender that the work of developing ally relationships requires patience and persistence, long-term commitment, and a willingness to consistently show up. And we know that when we are willing to do these things we are creating a powerful organization, community, and culture that can provide safety, trust, and connection for everyone.

To do this work we need your help; specifically, we need more input, more ideas, more challenges and questions--especially from gay and bisexual men, men of color, and their allies. We need everyone to be part of this process. Thanks to those of you who have already responded to our membership survey. I welcome your ideas and your involvement as we take these next steps in the creation of this Men's Resource Center.

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WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU Write us! Please send typewritten, double-spaced letters to: VOICE MALE, MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253-480 1, E-mail: mrc@valinet. com ; include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.Deadline for the Fall 2000 Issue is August 5, 2000.

Restitution at Last

Moonlight's Memoirs

Some years ago, when I \Vas director of a child and family clinic, a man came to the clinic and harassed and assaulted his exwife, who worked at the agency I intervened, as did a male staff m ember. The man threatened and verbally assaulted me and physically assaulted my colleague. He was restrained, eventually removed by the police, and we filed charges. We also obtained a notrespass order, which I believe is still in effect. I don't remember the details of what happened after that, except that he never bothered his ex-wife again , nor came to the clinic, and he was sentenced through a plea arrangement I believe. After a year or so I forgot all about him. Recently, I got a call from my colleague, who still works at the agency, saying that we had each received a restitution check from the man (through the Commonwealth). We considered what we wanted to do with the money and decided the following: He is donating his check to Necessities/Necesidades to go toward services for battered women; I am donating my check to the Mens Resource Center to go toward treatment services for batterers or for violence prevention services for young men, as the organization sees fit. It seems fitting that this money should be spent in these ways. I wish it were more, but I am sure the MRC will put even this little bit to good use.

I read George Moonlight Daviss memoir excerpts in recent issues of Voice Male, and I think he has captured the exuberance of adolescence, as well as tlte fear and bravado of living in gang territory where everyone has their turf and the streets are really mean. I not only enjoyed them, but they certainly opened my eyes, coming as I did from a middle-class suburb where all we had to worry about was getting hit in the head with a tennis ball. In the '50s I was bussed to a junior high school ·in a very tough neighborhood of Queens, where kids in my 7th grade <;lass had or were making zip guns, and all they talked about were gang fights. Fortunately, I avoided most of that and came through unscathed. Its clear from Moonlights descriptions that Queens was a picnic compared to North Philly Reading through the rest of the magazine I got a real sense of what the Mens Resource Center is all about and what good work you are doing, so I am happy to make a modest contribution.

Rick Balkin Amherst, Mass.

Marge Barnett Northampton, Mass.

Growth, Sweat, and Vision One of the things I like about getting Voice Male is"that I am constantly amazed at the continued growth and deepening quality of the work you [at the Men's Resource Center) all do . I am inspired by the impact

you have in the community and by the intelligent and strong voices given a forum in your magazine. Thank you for the sweat and creative vision with which you gift this community joseph DiCenso Montague, Mass.

Changing ·Youth, Challenging Racism We want to thank the Men's Resource Center for donating space for our program.

As an entirely volunteer run project operating with no funds , donations of this sort are essential for the development of our work, which focuses on challenging racism and white privilege. We believe that in order to prepare our children to live and work in the world of today, as well as the future, it is incumbent on us to teach them to understand, work with, live with, and appreciate people who appear different from them.

The goal of the Anti-Racist White Youth for Racial justice and Equality program is to help young white people make sense of race and racism, and to find ways to work with young people of color to challenge the scourge of racism in our communities.

Phyllis Labanowski, Beth Mattison, Tom Schiff ' Anti-Racist White Youth for Racial justice and Equality Northampton, Mass.

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T-shirt(s) Teal:_ Beige_ Size: _ Medium _ Large _ Extra Large Mugs: Indicate#_ ._ Mouse Pads: Indicate#_ Enclosed is$_·_ for_ (T-shirts) _ (mugs)_ (mouse pads) Remember to add $2.50 postage forT-shirts, . $2.00 for mugs, $1.00 for mouse pads. Total enclosed: '1>-------P/ease Print · Name _________________________________ Address - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - City/State - - - - - - - - Z i p - - - - -

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All printed with MRC credo: Supporting Men • Challenging Violence Durable T-shirts in teal with black lettering or beige with navy blue lettering Sizes: Medium, Large, Extra Large. 100% heavy, pre-shrunk cotton • $12 plus $2.50 postage Handsome ceramic mugs in turquoise with MRC log,o in black· $6.50 · Custom-made teal colored Mouse Pads with MRC logo (7" X 9").• Send orders to: MRC Essentials 236 No. Pleasant St. Amherst, MA 01 002 Please allow four weeks for delivery.

MEN@)WORK Paul Entis Named Devel_opment ~irector The MRC recently appointed a development director, Paul Entis, who came on board in May and has taken · charge of fundraising for the organization-a critical role as the MRC expands its range of services. He was feted at a reception at the end of]une at the Mens Resource Center.

Entis came to the MRC from a position as interim executive director of the Hillel Jewish Center at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst Prior to that, Paul served as executive director at the Hillel Center at the University of Southern California. He says he hopes to expand the base of support for the MRC, as well as to move the organization into greater corporate and foundation giving.

"I think fund-raising is really about personal connections," Entis says, "looklng at the needs of the organization, what needs are unmet, and figuring out ways to garner support and see the organization grow. For an organization to sustain itself and expand, we need to create resources that will be here for the long term. I hope to pursue endowment funding and to expand the operating budget."

In addition to using his fund-raising skills, Entis is enthusiastic about sharing and developing ideas for getting the message of the MRC out into the community,. increasing the number of members, and creating greater visibility for the work of the organization. "The MRC is one of the best-kept secrets in the Valley," he says. "such unique social change work corning out of this comfortable, inviting office in the center of Amherst" Entis grew up outside of Philadelphia, graduated from Emory University in Atlanta, and did graduate work at UMass, where he earned a masters degree in social justice education. It was while he was at UMass that he first found out about the MRC and got involved with some of its programs, particularly in the areas of youth Voice Male

education, anti-sexism programs, and combating homophobia. As an openly gay man, Entis says he's ~'invested in seeing the MRC be a place for men of all sexual orientations. Since my studies in social justice, I've been committed to creating communities that are inclusive, socially just, and welcoming. The MRC is a place that really brings together my passion for social justice and my skills in fund-raising. Its a great opportunity for me to blend my work and my personal vision for the world."

Farewell Tim The Mens Resource Center recently said good-bye to an old friend and stalwart staff member, Tim Van Ness, longtime development associate and Men Overcoming Violence staff associate. Tim left the organization to pursue a thriving career in theater. 'Tim is someone who could handle whatever was put in front of him-from maintaining the membership rolls to working in the Ware District Court. His graphic design skills, his host role at special events, and the original songs he played so sensitively at MRC banquets, made him a versatile and valuable part of the staff," said Rob Okun, MRC associate director. "We're glad he's still in the area and still an active member of the organization. But he'll be missed."

Latino Fathers: Beyond Ricky Ricardo a~d Juan Miguel Gonzalez Latino fathers face special challenges in our society, according to Juan Carlos Arean.

And when they look to social service agencies for help--if they venture to seek help at all-they may face even greater challenges.

"We have the obstacles, first, of just being men," says Arean, the director of support group programs for the MRC "We are trained not to ask for helP--that to do so is weakness. We can't be vulnerable or share feelings, and there$ a general sense of isolation that men live in. And there's homophobia, too. Its hard to break Then we [Latino men) have the cultural component," he continues, where social service agencies may be seen as "mainstream Anglo" organizations that are "part of the 'system'-the system of oppression in the white world. And getting help from that world is difficult" for Latino men.

Arean recently facilitated an interactive workshop on just this dilemma. Called "Working with Latino Fathers: Challenges· and Opportunities," the program was part of a series run by the Fathers and Family

Network, a collaboration between the Mens Resource Center and the Children$ Trust Fund in Boston. Designed for service providers in the coffimunity, 'the program was intended to help increase providers' awareness of and sensitivity. toward issues involving Latino fathers. Close to 40 participants, both women and men of diverse ethnicity, spent the morning at the M~y 8 workshop. Participants talked with -passion and humor about the meaning of such terms as "Latino," "Hispanic," "macho,'~ and "multicultural," the stereotypes surrounding these terms, and what implications such cultural constructs may have for Latino fathers seeking help.

The labels "Latino" and "Hispanic" actually refer to quite a diverse population, says Arean. "From nationality to nationality, there's lots of changes: Its not monolithic."

Similarly, our concept of machismo as a sort of Latino hypermasculinity-a racist stereotype that singles out Latinos as more sexist than other men-is misleading and inaccurate as commonly presented, he says. "In Spanish, macho simply means 'male,' and it has both negative and positive implications, including respect, responsibility, protection, · and providing. " Arean says much of the workshop focused on "dispelling myths"-such as the "macho" myth, and the notion that Latino men are not present as fathers to the degree that Anglo dads are. He points to "the r:nost famous .Latino father since Ricky Ricardo"Juan Miguel Gonzalez, father of Elian Gonzalez. "But look at him-he's doubted as a father-he's not innocent until proven guilty " ' Such doubt and mistrust can dog Latino men as they struggle to work their way through a still largely white system of social · service agencies, despite offiCial platitudes about "multiculturism."

Arean urges social service agencies to examine themselves and what they're doing with a view toward listening more to Latino dads and dictating less; and to think less in terms of providing "services" and more in terms of lending support, showing solidarity, and acting as allies with Latino men in their issues around fatherhood . · "One of the things I feel strongly about is you need patiend:," he says. "You should assume that there won't be trust. You have to build it, it will take time. It will take an attitude of respect-that 'we're not above the people we want to reach."'

For the MRC, thinking about issues such as racism and multiculturalism is also an important challenge. 'The MRC is really looking inward as far as not being a racist organization-an anti-racist organization, not

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MEN(®WORK only 'multicultural,"' says Arean. "For me, that:S where this motivation is. I'm interested in opening an authentic dialogue on these issues-<>n race-and not just sugarcoating it. That was one of the things that was powerful about the workshop-people felt how important the topic really is."

The MRC, and other organizations, can and should do more, he concludes: "The work starts here."

Teenage Males Beware!

Men~ Health, whose rather unhelpful perspective on male health could be encapsulated in such articles as "Sex, Money; Muscles: How Do You Rate?," reports that they will soori be launching a new magazine and website aimed at the "rapidly growing market of male teenagers in the United States."

The new mag, scheduled for a September launch, is to be called MH-18, and purports to address "the physical, emotional, and personal needs of the nations ten million male teenagers." According to editor jeff Csatari, a veteran of the extremesports-and-phallic-stogies slick Men~ journal, as well as Men~ Health, MH-18 "will be a service magazine that helps teens live life to the fullest. It will help them be fit, look good, make the right moves, choose the best toys, and most of all have fun.n

Furthermore, the new magazine will help teens "break through the clutter of information to find out what they really want to know about being fit, looking great, and staying on top of their lives at home and school."

"Staying on top" evidently includes the realms of dating, relationships, sports, grooming, and what is referred to without irony or pity as "gear." With what they view as a $150 billion market at stake, MH-18, published by Emmaus, Penna.-based Rodale Inc., has already attracted the sharklike circling of major national advertiserspresumably scenting the chance to bombard male teens with messages about all the manly "gear" they need to help them stay on top of their lives.

Do our boys and young men need more of this? No, says Voice Male health correspondent joe Zoske: "The hype suggests [MH-18) will follow the same overtly classist/sexist (and covertly racist/homophobic) format [as Men ~ Health) : muscles-as-male. ness, looking cool, materialism, hypermasculine 'fun ,' sexual scoring, etc." While all the evidence suggests that male teenagers need a rather different, more nurturant and more conne~ted kind of education (see Michele Landsbe rg~ article, page 16), never let it be said that Men~ Health let a few scruples get in the way of greed, looking good, and staying on top.

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Bread & Circus WHOLE FOODS MARKET Russell St (Rt 9), Hadley, MA 413-586-9932 Houn: Monday,..... Sunday: 9am- 9pm .

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"Macho" Men's Work in· Nicaragua Macho, a new film by Scottish director lucinda Broadbent, is a fresh take on the problem of men behaving badly-from maybe the last place on earth you'd expect.

Macho follows the Men Against Violence . group of Nicaragua as they invent new ways to tackle male violence and machismo-with such success that they are invited to San Francisco to teach Californians a thing or two about being "New Men ."

The Nicaraguan men's innovations on how to change violent men unfold in one of the poorest countries in Central America and against a backdrop of an explosive presidential sex-abuse scandal.

For copies of Macho, 26 minutes on videotape, contact ludnda Broadbent, 345 Renfrew St. , Glasgow G3 6UW, Scotland; teVfax: +44 141 332 2042; e-mail: lucinda@cqm. co.uk.

DADs Says "Panty Raider" Game a Disgrace The national advocacy group Dads and Daughters has called on S~mon and Schuster Interactive to halt its imminent release of a CD-ROM game called Panty Raider. To win the game , boys must strip supermodels down to their underwear, then provide photographs of them to aliens who "wore out" their one lingerie catalog--or else the aliens' "hormone driven anger" will destroy the earth. Among the garners' tools to induce the undressing:

"Lures-Items such as tiny mints aunch!) and credit cards. No self-respecting supermodel · i:an resist these items." From making fun of anorexia to objectifying girls to assuming that boys just want titillation from computer .games, Panty Raider, says Dads and Daughters , is a disgrace.

Among the objections raised in a letter to the company, Dads and Daughters said: "Anorexia .kills people, and holds painfully long years of recovery for those girls and women who do survive. Its no more suited for joking than cancer. And then there is the stereotype that the ideal girls are obsessed with shopping and appearance.

We have daughters and we know better.

And, we are offended when our daughters are repeatedly subjected to the destructive stereotypes disseminated by games like

Panty Raider."

DADs executive director Joe Kelly added that the game is also offensive to fathers of sons. "We don't see the humor or Voice Male

MEN(®WORK fun in glorifying what Panty Raider calls 'hormone driven anger' in boys, especially after tragedies like the Columbine shootings. We are offended when our sons are repeatedly subjected to the destructive stereotypes of boys objectifying females, placing titillation above all else, and using violence or its threat to get their way" Dads and Daughters suggests that other parents use the company's website , www.simonsays.com/feedback_foim.cfm, to insist that Panty Raider not be relea,sed.

Or write Simon &: Schuster Interactive, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020, or call (212) 632-3544.

Dads and Daughters is a national nonprofit membership group for fathers with daughters, based in Duluth, Minn. DADs helps fathers strengthen their relationships with daughters and transform the pervasive messages that value girls more for , how they look than who they are. DADs , acts against marketers who undermine daughters to sell their products. S&S Interactive, a division of Viacom, produces dozens of CD-ROM games in the entertainment and education categories. For the

full correspondence between Dads and Daughters and Simon and Schuster Interactive, visit www.dadsanddaughters. org. For further information, contact joe Kelly at( 888) 824-3237 or joe@dadsanddaughters.org.

Wise Guys: For Men over 50 The MRC has recently added another support group to its menu : one for men who are in the "second half of life ." The group is really about "developing capacities that have not been developed in the first half of life . That:S what everyone's trying to do-to open up friendships , creativity, new ways of thinking," said Dr. Richard Martin, the therapist who facilitates the group.

Growing Wiser Together is f0r men age 50 and over, and meets Thursday nights from 6:30 to 8:30 at the MRC in Amherst.

The group began in May Topics are determined by the men themselves, and Martin, 63 , says that surprisingly not much has come out about illness or death; rather, he notes, in addition to sexuality, the talk often turns to career-

oriented experiences: "successes, failures , missed opportunities, and interest in the unique work experience of the other men .

Everyone has taken a rather different course in his life. I experience the men saying that this is tl1e first time and place they've ever shared at this depth."

"Those who come have an intention to communicate and to share, and they seem to thrive on being in such a caring environment."

Growing Wiser Together is scheduled to run for 15 weeks, at least through Au'gust 10. Call the MRC at (413) 253-9887 for more information.

Looking to uonneut~

Nuture Our Community Support Local Business

Try the MRC's Drop-In MEN'S SUPPORT GROUPS IN NORTHAMPTON Open to all men.

Every Tuesday at HCAC, 218 State St. , 7-9 PM. Doors close at 7:05. Please be prompt.

~

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The historic building (built in 1892) stands across from the Cushman Village Common by the railroad crossing just 2/10 of a mile east of the Pine Street and East Pleasant Street Junction and only a 5 minute drive North from Amherst Center.

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The New Knights:

Men's Work in Great Britain

By Rob Okun

tth the breathtaking countryside rollmg by on the train from Penzance, at the southern tip of England, I was reluctant to review the flu rry of e-mails I'd recently exchanged with a . number of men involved with men's work in Great Britain. It was 6:30 on an early spring mommg and I was heading to London for the first in a series of meetings to share mens work experiences on both sides of the Atlantic.

As the hours passed, and the train window offered both soothing ocean views and brilliant scenes of sheep dotting lush green meadows, I'd periodically pore over my notes. From Newcastle in the north to Plymouth in the south , there are a number of important organizatiOns, staffed by committed , involved activists, working to redefine masculinity and to provide practical alternatives for men and families

The booklet is being given out to every new challenging mens violence than here, but it father of a hospital-born baby in the British didn't prove to be the case. From my first Isles- no small feat, and unparalleled anymeeting with principals in a young organizawhere else. In addition, it is one of two tion, Fathers Direct, to my last with the dozen organizations in the UK which this coordinators of Ahimsa, perhaps the most year received funding for work with fathers, comprehensive batterers' intervention prohaving been awarded £45 ,000 (more than gram in the world, I was struck by the blend of analysis and action that guides mens work $67,000).

Bartlett, a social worker who manages a in Britain. While there are a number of important programs space doesn't permit me · new parents' initiative and is an advisor on to describe, the observations that follow may fatherhood issues for the National serve as a useful introduction to British mens Childbirth Trust, is a slender. friendly man.

To take the pulse of whats needed now, he work said Fathers Direct was organizing an innovative, local conference, "Fathers and Fathers Direct Families in Suffolk: Developing Skills, Adrienne Burgess and David Bartlett said Building Services" just before Fathers Day It Fathers Direct was founded about a year and built on momentum established after a gova half ago by professionals in the media, ernment-sponsored seminar on "Boys, communications, business and family supYoung Men and Fathers" a year and a half port sectors, all of whom are parents. The ago, and a national fatherhood conference idea was to create an organization that last falL Despite "a significant shift in official had a national perspective on fatherhood thinking" toward developing, supporting issues and an understanding of the links and evaluating the best practices to assist between research, policy and practice. fathers, "work with fathers in the UK Adrienne, the sole woman in the collaboremains under-researched and rative, which also includes under-funded," according to Jack O'Sullivan, associBartlett . ate editor of London's Workshop titles give a clue to •· Independent newspaper, is a the range of ideas being writer and public policy explored: "Engaging and researcher who authored the Supporting Young Fathers and well-received 1998 book Young Men," "Relationships and Fatherhood Reclaimed: The the Transition to Parenthood " making of the modem father. A "Balancing Act: Helping Me~ gracious host with a bright Integrate Paid Work and smile, she is the mother of a Parenting," and "Parenting at a grown son. In an upstairs sitDistance: Fathers in the ting room in her comfortable Criminal Justice System." three-floor flat in Pimlico Fathers Direct has set an Adrienne Burgess about a 10-minute walk from ambitious agenda for itself, Buckingham Palace, she aiming to influence Prime explained the idea behind Minister Tony Blairs governFathers Direct ment to take leadership in setting a new "Fathers Directs core busid~rection for fathers and mothers that recogness is to change perceptions of fatherhood ," mzes the changing patterns in how families Burgess said, to "provide high quality, accesfunction in contemporary British society stble mformation for fathers; support the For his part, the prime minister, who ultidevelopment of family services accessible to mately rejected the idea of taking governfathers ; contribute intelligently to relevant ment-approved paternity leave when he public policy debates; and challenge the became a father again in late May, had a lot 'deficit perspective' of fatherhood ~ the culturto gain from taking a strong position in al invisibility of fathers, and the gender favor of involved fathering. But despite his stereotypes that limit both men and women choice on the home front, he is sure to be and reduce the quality of parenting for chilprodded in parliament in the days ahead by dren." the activists ·within Fathers Direct. To learn The group has published "The Bounty more, explore the organizations website, Gmde to Fatherhood," a 24-page booklet www.fathersdirect .org. underwritten by a maternity products producer, Bounty, and the Sony Corporation .

fatherhood

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james Traeger, co-developer of the Navigator Programme, with wife Gillian and son Max.

throughout the United Kingdom. The men I spent time with work in a variety of arenas mcludmg fathering programs, men's support groups, batterers' intervention and men in the w9rkplace. Perhaps a little romantically, I thought of them as Englands new knights, ~thout armor or: weaponry, redefining what 1t means to be a man in Great Britain.

One .~ight think that with a population of 55 mtlhon, Great Britain, about a fifth the size of the United States, would have a smaller proportion of activities related to mens growth and transformation and work

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Voice Male

The Centre for Men's Development The Centre for Men's Development, which Richard Lang helps coordinate, focuses on providing support for a wide variety of men. Lang, a psychotherapist with more than 20 years' experience facilitating groups and working with a diverse clientele, is a cheerful, twinkling-eyed host who provided lodging and good conversation in his Finsbury Park home in the middle of a North East London neighborhood with both Hasidic-jewish and Muslim communities.

The Center offers individual and couples counseling, mens groups, day-long workshops, resources and referrals, and evening talks. Lang, who runs one of the weekly mens groups, said the center's daylong workshops over the past several months included: "Fathers: How They Shape Our Lives," "Sons & Mothers: Intimacy and Separation," "Riding' the Rapids: Men & Anger," Images of the Sacred Masculine," "Men & Sex," and "A journey into Manhood." "Trusting Oneself, Trusting Others," a workshop for men and women, was facilitated by ~ng.

He said the center consults with social services agencies, health services, probation departments, and police.

Group and individual work is available for men who have been physically or sexually abusive; men acting violently; and men with addiction issues. Helping men to break free of isolation and find connection is key to the center's work, according to Lang, who said he hopes the center will continue to play a growing role in mens work in London in the days ahead. For more information, contact the Centre for Men's Development, 154 Stoke Newington Church St., London, N16 OJU, UK. Tel. 0171 686-1293. Email to: headexchange @pop.gn.apc.org

Navigator Men's Development Programme I met james Traeger on the main concourse of Waterloo Station overlooking the entrance to the Eurostar, the underwater chunnel train between London and Paris.

Traeger, a tall, easy-going man who brings both good humor and seriousness to conversation, is the coordinator of Navigator, a work and personal development program specifically designed for men at their jobs. "The idea," Traeger says, "is to enable men to assess realistically their current situation, skills and abilities, decide on next steps for their development, and equip

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them with the positive attitude and skills :o take those steps."

Traeger explained that Navigator was developed over two years in a mix of business, government, and academic environments and is designed to help men to "navigate" contemporary life- including work, family, and the personal. An outgrowth of Springboard Women's

other is the time being right to broaden social definitions of gender relanons work .

The Navigator program seems to imply that any such definition of gender focusing solely on women-including their rightful place as full partners in work, personal growth and home life-misses the opportunity to include men's struggle as well.

Navigator helps men to understand the

Development 'jj路~~~~~~路~r-~~~~路~~]~~~~ !1:~ need balance practicalities of m their to outer workthe lives with their inner Program, a wellrespected consulting lives as men with feelings and needs and organizational for connection. While the companies development group, engaging the programs services may Navigator has been be most interested in improving highly visible since first worker efficiency, and thereby the offering its three-month "bottom line," they may be unwittrainings in 1998. tingly underwriting a social transThe program consists formation of masculinity that will of several ingredients, have tremendous cultural implicaTraeger explained, sitting tions for years to come. For more in the spacious third-floor information about Navigator, go office he'd set up in his to their website: www.springhome outside London: an board consultancy.com individual notebook "crammed full of exercises for "Working with Men" participants to work through on their own Trefor Lloyd of Working with Men time," four one-day workshops spread (WWM) was so busy trying to meet a grant over three months "so workers are only proposal deadline that we were only able away from home or work one to speak on the phone about what the day at a time and can intemultifaceted organization he helps to direct grate learning into everyday is doing. Yet he spoke easily and in broad, li(e," coaching partnerships connecting terms about a range of services "offering mutual support for and ideas he's been following since the participants throughout the organization was founded in 1988. program," and networking"Working with Men relies路 on a network of "encouraging participants to trainers and consultants with substantial build and use their professionexperience" assisting men to provide seral or personal contacts. " vices for men and interested agencies.

The list of client organizaWWM offers resources, publications, tramtions Navigator has worked ing, consultancy and advice, Lloyd said . with is impressive-banks, uni"Issues of men and masculinity continversities, hospitals, and a range ue to exercise the media and, more signifiof businesses and institutions cantly, appear to be embedded in the conincluding the parent company of sciousness of policy makers," according to Mazda Cars UK, Northern Lloyd. While practical application of mens Ireland Electric, and the London School of work has continued to increase over the Economics. past decade, "the last year has seen a sigPersonnel specialists on both sides of nificant shift as policy makers have begun the ocean believe men are feeling more to 'catch up' and recognize the value of tarchallenged !IS businesses place increasing geted work with boys and men." A govern ~ value on communicating and teamwork, ment report on teen pregnancy was an skills in which women, some believe, are example of "a shift in thinking, policy and, seen to be inherently better equipped. hopefully, support" for new policy initia"A lot of men appreciate the all-male tives, Lloyd said. "Much of what was publienvironment," Traeger said, where "they cized in the British media about the report feel free to say what they feel. Life is considered the roles and needs of young' changing very fast for men and [Navigator] men, focusing on enforcing financial is a holistic program that helps them to responsibility for parenthood. Yet it also deal with their changing role at home and highlighted the gaps in young mens educaat work." tion and their need for advice, information , The notion of bringing "men's work" and support around sexual health and coninto corporate Britain is a radical idea to traception." some, but for trainers like Traeger, it is a The report also highlighted concerns natural outgrowth of two phenomena. One regarding boys and men and literacy, is the changing workplace where men no unemployment and crime. "We are still longer feel they will have a job for life; the waiting to see what impact this paradigm

continued on page 20 9

From Boys to Men:

Rediscovering Rites of Passage

By Israel Helfand and]on Bliss hat does it mean to be a mannot just legally, but ethically, morally, emotionally, and spiritually? How does a young person today come of age in our fast-paced, info-overloaded, materialistic, and highly technical American culture? And most important, what role do adults play in helping boys assume the mantle of manhood?

We recently asked a group of adolescent boys what it means to be a man. A boy responded by saying, "''m a man 路 when I can do whatever the hell I like, and don't have to answer to anyone." It's tempting to draw back in the face of such a statement. And it's truly frightening to think how many adolescents subscribe to this anthropocentric-not to say brutalview of life and adulthood.

But this scenario didn't write itself overnight.

In basic developmental theory, human beings are inherently self-centered at birth, and it is initially through this "narcissism" that we learn about ourselves and about the world by constantly probing limits. But sometime during adolescence, it all changes-at least it's supposed to. In reality, children become teenagers, and teenagers can be easy marks in' a culture where instant gratification and self-delusion are too often substitutes for maturity.

Margaret Mead's Coming of Age in Samoa pointed out that all children, regardless of ethnic milieu, come to a watershed moment, during the teenage years, when they begin looking beyond themselves. In a very real sense, they awaken to the rest of society. This awakening is a time to celebrate their gifts, look for ways to fit into their community, and grapple with how to make the world a better place. But adolescence is a delicate time, far more tender, in some ways, than early childhood. The boy is not a child any longer, and he is not a man. Developmentally excluded from the community of childhood, ambivalent about adulthood, he faces two choices: to join the ranks of responsible adults (provided such exist!), or to band together with his peers in an alternate society, parallel and in many ways counter to the rest of the culture. Without guidance, too many

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of our boys choose the second option by default. While some traditional societies mentor the young through these "years of change," in America this most important life passage is often treated like an extended period of sickness, to be endured with much complaining on all sides until it (hopefully) passes.

Imagine the pain of the adolescent trying to find his way. Imagine a boy relocated to a new school, a new town, in a new state. Suddenly, everything in his world is unfamiliar. Imagine that his mother is divorced and is moving in with her new boyfriend.

Continue by picturing this boy coming home to an empty house after school and cooking his sister's dinner until his mom comes home from work. Where is this boy in the here and now? Probably spending considerable time thinking about what he left behind. At a time when he should be getting help figuring out who he is, he's alone, trying to keep his emotional head above water.

It has been estimated that after divorce, 50 percent of adolescents have no contact with their father, 30 percent have sporadic contact, and 20 percent see their dad once a week or more. Truth is, even if our imagined boy's father is still at home, because our society dictates that men spend long hours away from home working, an average dad spends less than a minute a day with his infant son and one hour a day with his adolescent. Research psychologist and Harvard Medical School professor

Samuel Osherson, in Finding Our Fathers, says if you average it out, fathers spend approximately ten minutes a day with their children. "A psychological time bomb within the younger generation of men and women now coming of age" Osherson calls it. Alexander Mitscherly has studied fatherless men over the last 30 years. He discovered that when a boy did not see his father work, and did not spend time with this father, a hole, or a space, opened in the boy's psyche.

This hole was not filled with a sense of his father being a white knight or a hero. It was filled instead with a sense of demons, of suspiciousness of older men, and of insecurity.

The desperation and confusion this boy feels will color his world and his entry into manhood like a veil. Imagine the man he is to become.

Culture, it has been said, is like a veil. Our upbringing, our life and work, how we speak, how we integrate our own experiences-all these elements of our lives are woven together to co-create our view of the world. The adolescent latchkey boy we speak of had, in his veil, threads of divorce, relocation, blended family, loss of father, and physical and emotional distance from mother. His view of the world is a shadow view. Is it any wonder, then, that statistically he has a 60 percent chance of attempting suicide before he's 20, a 30 percent chance of developing an addiction, and a 15 percent chance of committing an act of violence against a peer before he reaches adulthood?

French author Arnold Van Gennep, in his 1908 work Les Rites de Passage, points out that it is not enough for young people to receive the empathy and understanding of caring adults. In the traditional mentoring process, the mentors have themselves been mentored. One must have a personal experience of the Rite in order to offer it to the next generation. The problem is that our culture has not been kind to traditional Rites. What may once have been effective personal and collective passages have too often been marred by commercialism, and molded through generations of blended families, overpopulation, and reduced community involvement.

Voice Male

Israel writes this about his own coming of age: I was Bar Mitzvah'd]anuary 20, 1968, in Yon kers, New York. The man who taught me was bitter, impatient, and intolerant of my endless curiosity. My family's involvement was mo re about choreography-where to stand, what to say-than spirituality. They never discussed with me what it meant to be a man.

They didn't discuss anything. Even the gifts of money I received went to pay for the partyif they'd communicated with me I might have taken a trip to Israel instead. I struggled with mixed messages: was this really for me, or for my family's honor? The 10 or so minutes I was alone on the Bima in front of the congregation were powe,rful and I knew I would never be the same. But I had little understanding of the ceremony as my passage to healthy, meaningful adulthood.

Changes in body size and emerging sexuality are pivotal developments in a · boy's life. The cultivation of friendships , development of physical strengths, the awakening of intellectual curiosity, and the differentiation from family are other developmental signs. In fact, a major task of adolescence is for both young men and women to develop their self-identity Boys who are helped through these crucial steps have an easier time asking the larger questions necessary for full maturation and individuation: Can I make it on my own?

Do I have what it takes? And then perhaps the ultimate expression of existential uncertainty: Where do I fit in? Conversely, a boy who does not have guidance throughout this life-defining time tends to remain "stuck" in adolescence--quite literally, a "man-child." Having asked the questions, having reached out for help and been ignored, his only option is to make the worst of adolescent behavior-its selfabsorption, its aggressive nature-into a way of life. Hence,rColumbine. Hence, addictions of all kinds. Hence, domestic violence. Hence, thousands of men who identify themselves as human "doings," and struggle with what it means to be.

Sometimes, though, a boy literally finds himself in the midst of a loving community Jon writes about a pivotal summer in his own coming of age:

The summer I was fourteen I had my first kiss, won a cross-country race, learned how to rebuild a carburetor and was admired by my f riends. That summer somehow, I think, through the forethought and wisdom of my parents, I came in contact with an un~ually large and colorful group of older people whom I admired so much, I practically worshiped them.

The people around me seemed to understand how ready I was to be treated like a mature · person. That's how they treated me, like a Voice Male

mature person. It was as if I had experienced a formal rite of passage that summer, but I didn't consciously know it until much later.

Educators, therapists , and culture watchers mostly agree on the problem.

And to a large extent we agree that radical changes are called for as men prepare themselves for a new role in society While fatherhood is now coming to a select group of older men who have already dealt with their midlife exploration of meaning and purpose and have committed to being active in raising their children, it is still far from: the norm. The trends we must assume and work with are the dual career, single parent, and blended family lifestyles. .

As two therapists who have seen thousands of men and boy;; in the confusion and pain·of growing up, we believe any attempt to re-vision our lives , as men, will fail· without the incorporation of a Rite of self-discovery Like those found in every ancient culture and every.surviving piece of wisdom literature, this Rite involves stripping away the layers of self, family, and worldview (the veil of culture) to discover, fundamentally, what we're made of and who we are . It is a journey of soul and spirit.

Here's how one adult began that journey of self-discovery: The year is 1990. Israel travels into the Adirondack backcountry to meet with other men and undertake a vision quest.

As he's preparing to hike out to find the site of his four-day solo, a group of sport hunters walk through camp, their faces set like masks . As he watches them, fear rises in Israel's chest. Its as if these men signal not only the possibility of physical violence, but also the threat of some deeper turmoil, an unforgiving ~nger and sadness each of us carries within us. Later, in the sweat lodge, as the singing and chanting of his male comrades begins to strip away defenses, Israe!"feels himself visited by a spirit who calls him into atonement with his ancestors, and he passionately gives thanks.

At sunrise he starts out upstream. Over the next several days he is visited by fear, elation, and, finally, peace. Alone on a rock in the middle of the rushing water, Israel cries and sings, and at night he dreams that the animals have come to be his teachers. He chants, weeps, and is silent. On the last day of his solo, he writes in his journal, "Our hearts can ask for help though our words often cannot. Surely we need the guidance of the soul of the earth as well as the spirit of the sky. ... All people need to feel the miracle· of creation, their lives reflected back to them, miraculous and creative .... Be true to your heart and accept the love of the world around you.

Bless all children and parents with the truth only the heart can speak."

Being a man is more than turning 13 , 18, or 21 years old. It involves having the courage to be open to who we truly are as our souls journey toward love and compassion. We are challenged to shed light on the shadows of all life. We are held accountable to bring justice where none appears. We are blessed by the ability to make a difference and entrusted by our ancestors to preserve the most holy of their teachings.

Every boy is worth saving. Every man is worth loving, every family is worth supporting. Our challenge as elders is this: To model a rigorous and compassionate inner journey, and to share and witness the fruits of that journey with our youth in training.

.jon Bliss, M.A., is a'husband, father; and farmer who lives in Andover, Vt. Trained in the ministry, he now works in community mental health, and in private practice with boys and young men. Israel Helfand, M.S., Ph.D., works for Four Seasons Healing, Inc. He guides fathers and sons through Rites of Passage, runs men's retreats and teaches ecopsychology with his wife Cathie at their family farm in Cabot, Vt. He can be reached at' www. FourSeasons VI org.

S·O UL AWAKENINGS-.:.

A VISION QUEST EXPERIENCE August 19-25, 2000 Honor life transitions through Rites of Passage and self-directed ceremony while camping in Nature.

For more information, contact us in Vermont: Four Seasons Healing, Inc.

802-563-3063 www.FourSeasonsVT.org

Men's Autumn Equinox Cam pout September 22-24

Sliding fee used for all programs. i ndividualized coming-of-age programs for a father and son

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Brave Athlete, Supportive School:

A High

S~~ool

Football Player Comes Out

By Peter Cassels

ings, it was like a non-issue," he recalls. "I he co-captain of a Massachusetts high said, 'Okay. Whatever. There are other things school football team may be the first to do. "' high school athlete in the nation to While he had heard some negative comdeclare his homosexuality so publicly while ments about gays, there was one incident still enjoying the support of his teammates, that brought it home: a family friend said parents, and coaches. Corey johnson, a senior something derogatory during a Super Bowl linebacker and guard on the Masconomet party in his sophomore year.

Regional High "I got up, went School squad, actualinto the bathroom, ly came out in April sat down and 1999, but delayed cried. It was the discussing it with the first time it hit me. news media until The following recently. week it was perOn March 25, meating me. I was 2000, the Boston feeling it deeply. I Gay, Lesbian and became depressed Straight Education and somewhat Network bestowed volatile in my its Visionary Award emotions." on johnson and his johnson decidteammates at its . ed to see his guidannual conference at ance counselor Tufts University. · and came out to Even though he her, saying he was was pursued by bisexual. She was national media to supportive, and · tell his story, two weeks later he johnson told intercame out to a viewers that he teacher. wanted to wait That spring he until this years missed a day of football season was ~ ·.: school because of over, fearing it ~ his depression, so would draw attenCorey johnson, co-captain of his Massachusetts high school he had to sit out tion away from the football team. lacrosse practice that task at hand: winning day. His coach, who was also his history· games. teacher, asked johnson what was wrong. "It His story is unusual in that he didn't expewas a rainy, dreary, morose day. I came out to rience much of the hostility some youths do him in the middle of the lacrosse field. He when they come out. Although they were sursaid, 'Don't let anyone tell you there$ someprised, teammates, classmates, and the comthing wrong with you. You're a special permunity north of Boston where he lives didn't son.' We talked about it for about an hour harass johnson. For the most part, even comand a half." peting team members accepted his homosexWhile still depressed that summer, uality. · johnson said "things were better because I However, the universal acceptance belies didn't have to deal with school. That was a months of worry, depression, and stress that major stress reliever." preceded his decision. johnson and his team had a great 1998 johnson, 18, who says hes known since season, finishing with a 10-1 record. In early he was 12 or 13 that hes gay, is the model of December, after the season ended, he was the All-American teenager, and defies mainelected co-captain. "My parents were unbestream stereotypes of gay men. "I've never lievably happy and proud of me." By been to a Broadway musical in my life," he Christmas vacation he had come out as gay jokes. Growing up in upper-middle-class, to two more faculty members, but still faced conservative Middleton on Cape Ann, hes a major challenge: telling his parents. been involved in sports his entire life. Besides On january 4, 1999, he told his mother football. he has played baseball, basketball, he wanted to talk. They went for a drive. and lacrosse. and was a member of the Once on the highway, his mom demanded to schools wrestling team. , know what was wrong. He suggested they "When I first started having sexual feel-

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stop first, but she refused. .

"I said, 'Mom, every morning before you drop me off at school, you tell me you love me and every night before I go to bed, you tell me you love me.' I said, 'I have something very important to tell you and all I want to do is strengthen our relationship.'

She told me I could tell her anything. By now, I was crying. I said, 'Mom, I'm gay.' She said, 'Oh, that doesn't matter. I love you unconditionally. You're my son.' So we sat in a parking lot and talked and cried for about half an hour."

He came out to his father a few days later. but he already suspected because he had read an on-line computer conversation johnson had had a year earlier. "He was extremely supportive. He said, 'I'm glad you finally made the decision to tell us and I hope you'll feel a lot better now"' Later, he told his 10year-old sister, who was "fine with it." johnson felt like "I lifted a large anvil off my shoulders," but decided a few months later that he wanted to come out to his football team. "I felt like I owed it to myself and to other people that I shouldn't be ashamed of that part of myself."

He made the decision on March 25, 1999, at the annual GLSEN Boston conference. He had come out to an adviser to his schools gay/straight alliance, but had never attended a meeting. The adviser asked him if he wanted to attend the conference. "The other attendees didn't know I'm gay. I was timid and scared getting on the bus with them." Today he is the group's co-chair.

Within a few weeks, johnson met with the faculty members who knew The majority advised him to wait until he graduated so he wouldn't have to suffer potential harassment.

"I told them from my heart how I felt and how important this was to me and my wellbeing. They totally supported me." · He wanted to tell one more person before he told the team: his best friend Sean, a constant companion on the athletic field for a year ~nd a half. They played football and lacrosse and competed on the wrestling team together. On April 7, he pulled Sean out of class. They sat on a l:iench outside. "I said , 'Sean, I'm gay.' He said, 'No, you're not. Stop kidding around.' I said, 'No, Sean. I'm really gay. I'm not kidding.' He leaned back, took it all in and started crying. I said, 'Sean, what's ·the matter?' He said, 'Well, I thought I knew everything about you. And I'm sorry you couldn't tell me this part you've been hiding::· Sean remains his best friend.

Then he told his football coach, Jim Pugh, who also teaches special education, and told him he wanted to tell his teammates. Pugh,

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too, was supportive and agreed.

With the cooperation of the administration, Pugh arranged to get his junior classmates on the team together the next day, April 8 . With the season long over, they were puzzled about why a meeting was being held.

Johnson didn't pull any punches: "I stood up in front of the team and said, 'Guys, I called this meeting because I have something I really want to tell all of you. And I hope you'll be supportive . .. .The reason I'm telling you all is because I don't want you hearing it from somebody else. I'm coming out as an openly gay man.' Their jaws dropped, their eyes bulged. I said, 'I'm still the same person I've always been .. .. I hope this won't change anything."'

He suspected that by now illogical fears were racing through their heads, so he told them: "I didn't come on to you in the locker room last year. I'm not going to do it this year. Who says you guys are good enough, anyway?"

That broke the tension. As the meeting drew to a close, some teammates said what was on their minds. One said, ''I'm glad you told us. I'd like to be supportive of you in any way possible." Another said, "Even if others on the team don't agree with you being gay, in order to be a cohesive team, they just have to accept it and put it aside."

Within two minutes after the meeting, the entire school knew. To a person, they told Johnson they were surprised and didn't have a clue. Support was far more common than criticism, although, he says, there were a few 路 homophobes. One of the GSA advisersJohnson declined to say which one-was inspired to come out three days before he told the team. Johnson said she asked herself, "If this 16-year-old can come out, why can't

to be pretty strong. Here he is coming out knowing that he could take quite a bit of . abuse from a lot of people, so its perhaps not the best thing for every kid. But as you break down these barriers, we have to deal with it and accept it."

Pugh credited the school, parents, the community, and particularly Jeff Perrotti and Deb levy of the Massachusetts Safe Schools program. "They were with us all the way. Jeff came to many, many meetings at the school."

Dan Woog, author of jocks: True Stories of Americas Gay Male Athletes, said he agrees with Pughs assessment: "Corey is my hero.

He has done something that, to my knowledge, has never been done before. And he has done it with dignity, poise, intelligence, passion--even a bit of humor. He is the epitome of what a high school student-athlete should be. Corey has opened the eyes and hearts and minds of so many people.

"From now on, I hope, gay boys who love football will be able to feel there is a place for them there-and straight athletes will know that having a gay teammate is not wrong or bad or weird. It just is . Corey has accomplished plenty on the football fieldand a whole lot more off it."

walked onto the field, the Winfield player across from him said, "Faggot, we're going to kill you, you fucking homo." "I just started laughing because I had come out to my football team and my parents and this one kid thinks hes going to intimidate rrie . I went back to the huddle and I told the team what just happened. The other co-ca.ptain said, 'Don't worry, Corey, we have your back.' We won, 25-0."

Later in the season they defeated Weston High School. On the bus ride home the team sang. "Somebody said, lets sing a song for Corey: They started singing the Village Peoples 'YMa and, later, 'Its Raining Men.' Then they started chanting 'GSA!' I got up and bowed and everyone started laughing."

Pugh has nothing but praise for Johnson, whom he described as one- of his toughest players: "You have to stand up and be who you are. Thats what Corey wanted to do.

Football coaches I've talked to throughout the league and all over have said the kid has to have a lot of guts to go into that arena and tell them. It's unusual. ''This kid has moved a lot of people, including adults. He's done a lot for the football program and the school and you'll continue hearing a lot of good things about Corey." Asked what advice he would give other gay athletes, Pugh says: "I think it's a kids individual choice. Not all kids would be as comfortable dealing with the stupid remarks of some ignorant people. You have

Peter Cassels is the associate editor of Bay Windows. Reprinted with the permission of Bay Windows, New Englands l路argest gay and lesbian weekly. E-mailletters@BayWindows.com, (617) 266-6670; www.baywindows.com.

INTERNAL MEDIATION ThomHerman will be at

I?"

Not that he didn't encounter some opposition. While his teammates weren't upset, a few of their parents were. One suggested revoting for captain. Pugh told him that it was a non-issue and he wouldn't consider it. The coach added that what the parent was doing in raising these questions was a lot more destructive for the team than Johnsons being gay: His teammates took his sexuality in stride.

In the locker room, they asked about what kind of guys he likes and where the nearest gay bar was. "I said theres a gay bar in Boston called the Ramrod. They. said, 'Oh, we want to get T-shirts from there.' They joked around about it in a very inclusive way:" Johnson tells two stories. The second game of the 1999 season was against rival Winfield High School. During the week leading up to the game, its captain was using anti-gay rhetoric and epithets. "The coach told his players he could not play: I found that out the day of the game." When Johnson

Voice Male

The Men's Resource Center Friday, July 7, 2000 7:00- 10:00 p.m.

Donations only All donations to go to the MRC

Internal Mediation is an experiential, iniernal"inquiry" that is easy to learn and to use. The simple Process .helps to identify a problem, and immediately begin to shed new light an(/perspective.on that problem. Individuals who have used Internal Mediation realize profound and lasting changes in their lives. Internal Mediation is based on "7be Work of Byron Katie" and 7bom Herman is a certifted practitioner of The Work. Like Katie, 7bom goes where he's invited. For information on group or individual sessions call: Ti-IOM HERMAN.

413 .3 7 4.1330

email: thomherman@aol.com website: thomberman.com 7bom Herman has a psychotherapy pratice with offices in Greenfteld and Northampton m

13

Gay & Bisexual Voices

By Carl Erikson

Why Do You Hate Me? As soon as I admit I'm gay, you are almost certainly going to hate me.

Why? What do I do that you hate so much?

Did you say, "I don't hate you"?

Whispering to your child to stay away from Uncle Tom "because he's gay" is hate.

Firing me from my position in your office or preventing my advancerilent---Qr giving me all the dirty assignments-because I've come out of my closet is hate.

Throwing me out of your family gatherings, or my family house, is hate.

Tying me to a fence and leaving me to die is hate.

Refusing to let me bring my gay partner on a visit to your house or your party is hate.

Calling on your God to burn me in eternal fires is hate.

Fearing that I am certainly going to molest your child is hate.

Demanding that I be barred from custody and visitation rights with my own children is hate.

Waiting with your friends on the street corner to "bash" my date and me as "fags" is hate.

Encouraging your politicians to deny me protection from discrimination or health services is hate.

Refusing to let me read materials of interest to me or join with others in gay organizations at school or in town and forcing me to put myself at physical or legal risk to find satisfying products or services is hate.

Lecturing the world that my goal in life is to destroy the values of your family is hate.

Standing silent when I am harmed, humiliated, or silenced is hate.

Why do you hate me?

Oh, it's not me you hate. It's them you hate-the gays, the fags, the homos, the queers.

Sorry, but those are people, not words, you're hating. They're me.

Ah, it's not me you hate. It's what I do.

I work on your teeth, sell you insurance, make art and music for you, entertain you in the movies and on the athletic fields, patrol your streets and put out your fires. I invest your money and defend you in court. I write for your amusement and ~ucation. I mow your lawns and deliver your mail. What is there to hate here1 I obey the laws, drive safely, pay my share of the taxes, contribute to good causes, help with United Way campaigns, vote. I keep my . yard up to neighborhood standards, buy candy to support the local soccer team, do vigils for

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endangered people and species.

What's to hate here?

Oh, it's my sex life you hate.

Your sex life is of no interest ~ to me. Why is my sex life so ~ important to you that it galva[o nizes your furies? " You can't see or hear my sex life. You are not forced---Qr invited-to participate in my sex life. You are not touched in any physical or emotional way by my sex life. Yet you persist in interfering with my sex life and in trying to injure me, punish me, kill me. Why? How would you react if I started lecturing you about your sex life and telling you how you must do it? .

So, why do you hate me so obsessively, vindictively, certainly? If you hated anything else with this intensity and single-mindedness, your family and friends would begin to say, "He's paranoid;' or "He's insanely jealous."

They'd hustle you into the closest therapist's office. What is the specter you're so terrified of? What is the thing that so arouses your jealousy?

Could it be my freedom from the stultifying limits of social convention and propriety that you obediently satisfy but hate so enormously? Is it that I have said "No" to the vast number of restrictions on personal choice and expression to which you remain obedienteven though you suspect that they're only abOut control and taking happiness away from you? Is it that I choose what pleases me and reject the oughts or musts that do little more than force me into dead ends and living comas? Could it be your own hatred of these restrictions, and your disgust with yourself for not choosing what you know is better and more satisfying for yourself? . Why hate me? Hating me won't free you. It only increases your unhappiness. If my sex life changed, you would go on hating, because the reasons for your hate have little if anything to do with my sex life. They have everything to do with the choices you make about your life and who you choose to be.

If I were to change my sex life to meet with your approval, would you get a better job as a result? A better house? A happier family? A more satisfying life? Would you have more Joy, more pleasure in life, more contentment?

And why would I give up my hard-earned full expression of my deepest, most real Self just so I can.play Prisoner to 짜OUr Jailer?

My genie is out of the lamp, set free, and nothing will force him back into it. If you want to stay in your lamp, that's up to you; but don't hate me for your own choice. I don't ask you to love me-just to let me love myself and to let life express itself through me.

Carl Erikson is the MRCS business manager, as well as a writer and artist. He alternates writing "OutLines" with Michael Greenebaum.

Voice Male

By Donald N.S. Unger

Fathering

GBQ Resources AIDS CARE/Hampshire County (413) 586-8288 Transportation, support groups and much more free of charge to people living with HIV. Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444; free, confidential HIV/AIDS services including support, prevention counseling and volunt~er opportunities.

The Gay & Bisexual Men's Program (802) ?54-4444 Brattleboro, VT. Weekly/monthly social gathenngs & workshops, and volunteer opportunities.

Contact Carey Johnson.

GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Society) GLBT Youth Group of Franklin County. Meets every Wednesday evening in Greenfield. For more information call (413) 774-7028. ' GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered) Counseling & Therapy Referral Service (413) 586-2627-16 Center Street, Northampton, MA 0~ 060. Free wo~p for ~eople 15 to 20 who are gay, lesbian or quest1onmg the1r sexual orientation. Meets in Springfield Friday afternoons.

HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016 Keene, NH ~ay Men's Support Group meets every Tuesday evenmg, 7:00 PM at the Universalist Church 69 Washington Street. For more information, call (800) ' 639-7903.

Life Course Counseling Center (413) 253-2822 Counseling for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people. www.valinet.com/-lifecour Out Now! - GLBT Youth Group of Greater Springfield For confidential information about weekly meetings call (413) 739-4342.

PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays): •PFLAG Amherst has monthly meetings on the second Tuesday of each month at the Grace Episcopal Church Parish House, Spring Street, Amherst, at 7:00 PM. For information contact Bill Kaiser at (413) 586-2111 · email: av517@psfm.org. ' •Greater Boston PFLAG, P.O. Box 4400044, West Somerville, MA 02144-0Q01. Help Lines: (617) 5472440, (978) 579-9769, (781) 749-7730. Speakers Bureau: (978) 562-4176.

Pride Zone- GLBT Youth Group of the Pioneer Valley ~eetings 1st and 3rd Thursday of every month at K1dsports, Hadley for socializing, discussions, and games. (413) 586-0633.

The Stonewall Center (~13) 545-4824 University of Mass., Amherst. A lesbian, bisexual, gay & transgender educational resource center.

Straight spouses or gay/lesbianlbi partners: support group meets monthly in Greenfield, MA, area. For more information, contact Jane Harris at (413) 625-6033 or email aharris@valinet.com.

Valley Gay Alliance (413) 746-8804 P.O. Box 181, Northampton, MA 010610181. Western Massachusetts' gay social and service organization.

Valuable Families Gath_erings and newsletter for everyone who supports, chenshes and respects our lesbian, gay and bisexual families of origin and of choice. PO Box 60634.

Florence, MA 01062; Valfams@crocker.com

Voice Male

When Fathers Mother . ' ' It's not easy being a mother, is it?" the librarian says, smiling, as I change my then six-month-old daughter's diaper on a desk in the back room.

I close my eyes briefly, try not to grit my teeth, remember to breathe. "''m not being a mother," I tell her, as softly as I can manage . ''I'm being a parent."

"You're doing what mothers usually do," she tells me. And I think it best to let the conversation die there . I don't have the time, the energy or the tact. In situations li~e that, almost a daily occurrence when I'm out with my daughter, it's as though I lose my voice.

I had been "invited" to work, to score entrance exams for the freshman writing course I was teaching; I was taking care of my daughter, Rebecca, four days a week that term, but, in a fit of the kind of flexibility that I realize is rarely extended to working mothers, my department chair had suggested that I bring the baby with me for the morning, rather than miss all the fun.

So I came in early, folding playpen in tow, took my daughter into the back offices in the library, where we would be working, stripped her, fed her, cleaned her up, · changed her, and got her dressed again, while the librarians buzzed in and out doing their work-and giving their co~­ mentary.

Does it sound lighthearted, a harmless observation about statistical reality? Does complaining about this make me seem thinskinned? Try this if you're a working woman, particularly in one of the professions, a doctor, a lawyer: Someone observes you at work and says, "It's not easy being a man, is it?"

All in good fun? In today's atmosphere, a statement like that is close to actionable.

I don't want to get into issues of "oppression envy" here . For the record: it would be silly to argue that men have suffered, or suffer now, discrimination on anything like the scale that women have had to deal with throughout history. Still, as is becoming increasingly obvious, we've had half a revolution in the last 30 years, made great strides toward opening up a broad range of jobs to women , certainly made a good start toward leveling the playing field in outside-the-home employment; on the domestic side, increasingly, no one's home. . A good piece of this is due to economics. The same 30 years that have marked professional progress for women have seen a stagnation in middle-class wages that all

but requires both partners in the household to work. But, as first-wave feminists were quick to point out, the language we use also has a profound impact on how we see ourselves and each other, how we interpret the world and our roles in it, what we see as possible and what we even lack words to effectively describe.

We've had an incomplete, somewhat one-sided, linguistic revolution: we've done a great deal to truly neuter the neuter pronouns and other terms that, in English, have traditionally been male. If these changes have not yet completely suffused our society, the battle is still essentially over: college writing programs routinely require nonsexist usage, as do the style books of all the major publishing houses; when you call a department head a "chair" rather than "chairman," people don't scold you anymore that you've referred to the person as a piece of furniture .

And on the other side, the language of domestic work, the words we use to describe the roles usually ascribed to women? That hasn't changed, nor does there seem to be any movement afoot to work toward or facilitate ,that change: "to mother" is to care for and to nurture · "to father" essentially means to insemina~e.

The somewhat antiseptic phrase "to parent" has some currency, but reflexively, as with the librarian, what people fall back on is female-centered language. This leaves men out, makes us inri.sible, takes away our voice, in a care-giving role that, cultural critics on both the left and the right agree, is being dangerously neglected.

I don't say this because I want "points. " I haven't been active in caring for my daughter because I'm looking to earn a merit badge. I would like my gender. to be as invisible and unworthy of commentary as is increasingly the case for women who do a broad variety of jobs, from physicians to carpenters. But I do want my existence as a parent to be acknowledged, and not just as an oddity. I want linguistic parity.

More than two decades ago , in Language and Woman:S Place, Robin Lakoff observed that to call a man a "professional" identifies him as a doctor or a lawyer or someone else in a respected occupation; to call a woman the same thing implies that she is a prostitute. Similarly, to be a "master" is to have power over something; to be a "mistress" is to have an illicit sexual relationship. She identified this "lack of linguistic equivalence" as one of the keystones of inequality.

She was right. And it cuts both ways. continued on page 25 15

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Roots of Empathy:

How Babies Can Teach Kids to Care

By Michele Landsberg

he big grade-eight boys at Parkdale Public School in Toronto were all slouched at one end of the circle that was sitting on the classroom floor.

They wore the bored, slightly sullen or smirking expressions that are required for the dignity of pubescent youth. The class was nearly over, the slouches were becoming dramatic, and class exhibit number one-five-month old Noa Ahmad-was starting to fuss .

At that moment, instructor Gaye Zimmerman-Huycke decided to carry baby Noa around the circle while the class sang to him, pausing briefly to let him face each student. One by one, like light bulbs switched on-ping! ping!-the students' faces lit up in rapturous, unconscious smiles as Noa was held up to each one of them.

"Can I hold him?" begged a tall AfricanCanadian boy, Jumping to his feet. Gently, the boy wrapped his arms around the whimpering Noa and began, very softly, very coaxingly, to dance a little two-step.

Noa calmed down and snuggled into the boy's shoulder, the class looked on beaming, and the dancer's delighted, thousandkilowatt grin warmed us all.

Roots of Empathy is the name of this innovative program, now in its fourth year in 4 7 Toronto classrooms, ranging from kindergarten to grade eight.

Ins~illing greater compassion, tolerance, and empathy in children-particularly boys-has l::iecome an urgent concern and topic of debate all over North Americabut, as with the weather, almost nobody does anything about it.

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Except Mary Gordon, the .creator of beloved parenting centers in Toronto schools-centers now threatened with closing because of politically motivated funding cuts. Gordon's latest creation, the Roots of Empathy program, is safe from the budget knife because the public schools don't pay a cent for it: Not for the skilled instructors, nor the volunteer parents and their babies, nor the curriculum itself. All that is underwritten by the Maytree Foundation (now in search of funding partners), and what a gift that is to Toronto children.

The program seeks to instill empathy in schoolchildren by a structured program of mother-and-baby visits, once a month from September to june, buttressed by before-and-after classes in child development. Students soak up the understanding that babies' cries are a way of communication, that an adult's impatient response to crying must be controlled, that a baby must never be shaken, that individuals differ in temperament from the moment of birth. By watching a relaxed, loving relationship between a parent and a baby, the students absorb a lesson in tenderness.

All the while, students are encouraged to realize that they, too, are constantly developing, growing, changing, and going through phases. Initial testing shows that

children in the Roots of Empathy course develop an emotional literacy, a language of the feelings , that other children may lack.

"We don't have statistics yet, but teachers constantly tell us that there's less bullying and more sensitivity to others' feelings in the students who get this program," Mary Gordon said in an interview.

In one class, where the instructor was explaining about the difficulty of transitions for babies-between sleeping and waking, between home and outside-the conversation turned to the difficulties of transitions for older children. "Like me," said one small new arrival from Bangladesh. "Here I don't have any friends." A child sitting beside him whispered, "Now you do. " "The children feel a real ownership of 'their' babies," laughed instructor Zimrnerman-Huycke. "If they see the mother and baby in the neighborhood, they rush up to check on the baby's progress."

Canadian school systems from coast to coast are eager to learn more about the program; clones already exist in three Japanese cities. And the day I was there, the session was being filmed by one of American public television's most brilliant producers of programs for and about children: Christopher Sarson, creator of the original ZOOM! and of Parenting Works, a 13-pan series. Sarson heard about Roots of Empathy by sheer fluke, came to see it and is now documenting it for possible sale to public television. "I live 17 miles from Columbine High School," he said somberly, in one of his rare less-than-cheerful moments.

In the current Dickensian mind-set of our education overlords, cramming facts, drilling math, and getting tested and graded are what education is about. I would bet, however, that the proud thrill of a boy who gentles a fretful baby in his arms is a life lesson deeper and more enduring than can be measured on any standardized test.

Michele Lanc4berg is a columnist with The Toronto Star, where this column first appeared. It is reprinted courtesy of The Toronto Star Synidicate.

Voice Male

Men & Health

By joe Zoske

Unmanly Conditions:

Health Problems Not for Women Only othing threatens a mans sense of masculinity like a physical malady that sneaks up on him, leaving him feeling weak, vulnerable, and helpless. The discomfort, threat, and loss of control are compounded when he comes down with . what is commonly known as a "womans disease." Then physical and emotional pain combine, leaving a growing sense of emasculation and shame in their wake.

Sound strange? Seem like a remote circumstance? Not for the thousands of men who experience such misfortune each year.

When headlines speak of ovarian cancer or abortion, we know the subject is womens health. Likewise. stories of prostate disease or testicular cancer are surely about men.

But what about breast cancer, o;;teoporosis, eating disorders, and distorted body image?

Images of women leap immediately to mind: women struggling with the impact of a mastectomy, brittle bones, anorexia or bulimia. Yet these conditions have no gender boundary While they affect women at much greater rates, increasing numbers of men are falling victim to them as well, and having to deal with a host of extra challenges related to their gender-including embarrassment, social isolation, fear of being seen as "unmanly," denial and disbelief, and both under- and misdiagnosis, Take breast cancer. Fourteen hundred men will be diagnosed with it this year! Men might prefer to think of this as "chest cancer," but the medical reality is the same. Just ask Richard Roundtree-the 1970s film actor who played the tough-guy hero of the Shaft movies. Earlier this year he went public, after carrying a seven-year secret. At the age of 44, he had a modified radical mastectomy for malignant cancer, which removed chest tissue from his nipple to his underarm, followed by six months of chemotherapy. He's a survivor, but 400 times a year men are not. For those facing this devastating diagnosis, the silence surrounding it (imposed by themselves and society) leaves them very much alone, and at greater risk for becoming ano~her fatality.

Then there's osteoporosis--the de-mineralizing of our bones, weakening our very structure from within. Although it mainly affects women, 2 million men have the disease, including one-third of men over age 75, and another 3 million are at risk. Men experience one-third of all hip fractures, have a higher rate of dying from them than women, and also suffer painful and debili-

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Voice Male

tating fractures of the spine, wrist, and other bones. Yet despite the large number of men affected , osteoporosis in men remains underdiagnosed, underreported, and inadequately researched. For decades women were disadvantaged by their risk of heart attacks being overlooked or minimized . The same can be said for men and osteoporosis.

Risk factors include smoking, excessive drinking, lack of exercise, inadequate calcium intake, and steroid use.

Of course, exercise is a preventative for bone loss, especially weight bearing/ strength-building exercises. But even here, men can take things to an extreme. Picture a bulked-up guy, looking more muscular than the rest of us will ever be. Imagine him looking into a mirror and seeing something different, and horrifying-a scrawny weakling who never has enough muscle . This condition-body dysmorphia-is affecting more and more males (younger males, too, especially teens), whose passion for body building gets out of control.

Body dysmorphia is a serious psychological condition, often coexisting with depression, use of body-enhancer drugs, mood shifts, and other obsessive-compulsive behaviors. This severe preoccupation with body image-muscle as manhood-can lead to complete social withdrawal, and, in its most extreme form, suicide. With the arrival of prescription testosterone gel this summer and continuing emphasis on highstakes athletics, there is concern that the incidence of this condition will grow, as will its many physical and emotional side effects. Numbers of men are hard to estimate, as it is usually not discussed or identified; indeed, the opposite is true-bulking-up is idealized and rewarded among men (and even women). However, when men suffer from dysmorphia, there is intense isolation in the face of clear danger, and men are often ill-prepared to deal with it for fear of looking weak (the exact thing they are obsessi:vely trying to avoid) .

In the realm of eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, etc.), men account for 5 to 10 percent of all eating-disorder sufferers.

Studies show that men more frequently use excessive and obsessive exercise and bodybuilding prior to and during their eating disorder, and there appears to be a higher rate of eating disorders among gay males.

Furthermore, men are less likely to seek, or be identified as in need of, treatment for an eating disorder, because of the social stigma

and bias associated with having a condition that has gen~rally been perceived as a "womans problem."

Again, isolation and inadequate care often occur, and disability, depression, and death can be the result.

It has been proven that social support (family, friends , health professionals, support groups, etc.) is a key factor in successful coping with serious illness. Having a positive attitude, and being armed with upto-date information, a sense of optimism, and personal empowerment are equally vital. To be better able to handle the above situations, therefore, requires connection. In the face of this need, these "unmanly" medical conditions represent yet another opportunity for men to reach out to one another, to build and rally around our community in support of a fellow man-thus aiding him in moving from victim to survivor.

Lets get real: health care for men needs to get beyond penises and prostates. How many of us have been instructed in breast self-examination, let alone testicular selfexamination? How often do our medical practitioners bring up our potential risk from so-called "womens diseases"? Lets start by asking direct questions ourselves, doing our part to keep healthy and alive. Its about time. It's about life.

(Further information is available from the American Cancer Society, the National Osteoporosis Foundation, and local mental health agencies.)

joe Zoske is Voice Male~ health columnist, and a public health consultant who lives in Albany, N.Y

17

Notes from Survivors

-------------------By Steven jacobsen The Voices and the Lights:

"Outing" Yourself as a Survivor

n the course of my recovery, healing and treatment, I have in the last eight years been in one-on-one therapy with 14 different practitioners, attended countless groups, and been hospitalized five times. Sadly, this frenetic itinerary is hardly an unusual journey for many male survivors, or for most multiples, regardless of gender. But one advantage to havmg juggled so many disconnected pieces of this professionally endorsed jigsaw puzzle is that it has allowed me to observe a number of common traits among caregivers. Otherwise separated by philosophy, personality, and approach, certain techniques and mind-sets appear quite ubiquitous. Some of those shared threads of approach and attitude are at best counterproductive for the survivorand at worst, harmful and abusive in and of themselves.

In the seminal book Victims No Longer, Mike Lew speaks of the "survivor's voice."

Using Lew's general description, I think it might better be called the "victim's voice," and will so name it here. He accurately describes it as soft, monotonous, betraying little or no emotion. And so it tends to be, at first: survivors are apt to mirror the gentle, near-hypnotic murmurs often associated with a perpetrator's seductive utterances. Indeed, the survivor's spoken voice can be a form of self-hypnosis for the victim, a kind of lulling into calmer, safer waters of consciousness. (It is, of course, equally true that the shrill, uncontrollable, and sometimes violent emptional outbursts survivors might experience readily mirror the rage-filled assaults perpetrators confronted their victims with at times, but that is a subject for a different essay) The functions of the: perpetrator's voice and the victim's voice are virtually identical at bedrock: to deny that which is. The perpetrator seeks to deny the nature of

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his/her action, the damage it causes, and his/her own responsibility in the commission of such an assault. Ultimately, a perpetrator wishes to deny the reality of the trauma: it didn't really happen, and even if it did it was your fault, and it certainly didn't happen the way you remember it.

Denial performs a very similar job for the victim, as well. If it didn't really happen, after all, it can't possibly hurt, can it?

Or if it happened to some other part of me-the existence of which I may or may not have some awareness of-then some- · one else got stuck holding the bag stuffed with angry cats, right?

Slightly right but mostly wrong. The beauty of any dissociative response by a

Where are the other men like me? And how can I meet them? The silence is thick as choking smoke... victim is that it protects us very well, often for very lengthy periods of time.

The ugliness of dissociation is that it is a masterfully constructed web of deceit and denial, an oftentimes complete re-fabricating of histories that never existed, and never will exist within the boundaries of fact and circumstance. As my first therapist originally described my "breakdown," I had simply arrived at a time in my life where I was safe enough to confront the pain and danger, successfully Up until that time, though, I had very much needed to be wrapped up in my snug, warm, and mulling voice of numbness and noninvolvement. How exciting and frightening it was, to finally drop those hindering blankets, and dare the coldn~ss of bright daylight!

But while I intuitively sought to move in one direction-to a new place where my voice could be .loud and vibrant and unconcealed-! began to notice that all the therapists, social workers, shrinks, and doctors I encountered were speaking in my old voice. They, too, uniformly spoke so softly I needed to strain to catch

their words. The drone of their cadence was so interchangeable that, were I to close my eyes, it's quite unlikely I could have distinguished one from another.

Their voices were warm, slow, and seductive.

They were talking in the voices of perpetrators and victims. And what they were saying were old, too-familiar words to me. "Everything we share here is confidential; no one else will know. " ''It's OK to tell your secrets to me ; I'll protect you." "This might very well be scary, but it won't hurt you." "This process will take a long, long time ." ''I'd like to see you at least twice a week." "There is nothing you cannot tell me. I'll keep you safe." And these words were spoken in dimly lit rooms, crammed with overstuffed furniture upholstered in pastels. Everything was neutral, because neutral is safe, correct?

The stated rationale for such trappings suggests that they are designed to create an ambience of trust, comfort, and accessibility. But such therapists seem to have little or no awareness of how intricate a re-creation they have achieved of the mood, the set, and the vocal tone of past assaults. Far from establishing a comfort zone for the survivor, such an environment only beguiles the client back into a hush-hush, let's-share-special-secrets world that further isolates and excludes him from the bright, brassy reality so readily available to others. We are told we are no longer freaks, true . We are, rather, "special cases," thus deserving of "special treatment ."

And there are many, many others, just like you, we are told and promised by our caregivers. But when we are delighted by this hopeful information, and ask the ·obvious que~tion-Where are the other men like me? And how can I meet them?-the silence is thick as choking smoke, and the caregiver's warnings are ominous and unforgiving. Yes, we are told, there are occasionally such groups of male survivors. But there is usually a ·six-month waiting list. Why? Because there are so many male survivors, and so few therapists qualified to run such Voice Male

groups. Participants must be carefully screened, after all. As a survivor, you must be very careful whom you tell, you know.

Why? Why must male survivors be carefully screened? Because it could be dangerous, if you get triggered. Why must I be careful in choosing whom I out myself to? Because you are vulnerable to attack, and being a male survivor, unfortunately, still carries with it a great deal of stigma.

All of which is nothing more or less than a perpetrators ideology and technique. I cannot re-form a sense of society when I am denied contact with my peers, and I cannot de-stigmatize the facts surrounding victimization in the silent dark.

Yet that prescribed and recommended isolation and denial confirms the worst fears of many male survivors.

It is exactly the opposite of what we need as human beings, and what we need to do as advocates and activists. A case in point: I cannot count the number of male survivors who hold an odd but understandable hostility toward women, particularly toward women survivors. They are angry and resentful because they feel the women get the attention; they get the ink in the papers. "Why don't the newspapers tell our story?" these men ask.

My own question to such men is simple but devastating: "Why don't you write a letter to the paper, and tell your story?"

Because, they respond, I'd have to sign my name to it. people would know. 路 Because its too stigmatized. I might lose 路 my job. My friends might think I'm a queer. My wife might stop sleeping with me. What will my children think of me?

And my therapist tells me I must be careful whom I tell.

Bullshit. Far from there being any disgrace in being a survivor, there is courage and strength to spare. Survivors, by definition, are more than worthy of respect and admiration. We've already made it, folks . We are done with the old secrets; why should we replace them with new ones? Even if those new secrets are "therapist-approved," they remain deadly to us as individuals, and passively continue the cultural dismissal of abuse in all forms .

Secrets render all survivors terrified and impotent-not a healthy situation for anyone.

To me , the healthier approach is to bring the subject out in the open, and to deal with issues of abuse and trauma within a group format , where everyone can speak freely, ask any and all ques-

Voice Male

tions, without fear of reprisal or ostracization. Destroy the secrets and you destroy the stigma.

But we are largely not doing this, whether as male survivors, therapists, or the community as a whole. Because abuse and trauma are scary and painful, we apparently conclude that knowing survivors must also be threatening and, possibly, dangerous.

More bullshit. Allow me to describe these people to you, these people I know who call themselves survivors.

They own or manage restaurants.

Some of them are dishwashers or hostesses. They are truck drivers and real estate agents. They are medical doctors and pro athletes. They are movie stars and the homeless. They are men and women. Some of them are children, or ~eenagers , or middle-aged, or elder citizens. Some have black hair or red hair or brown hair or blond hair or white hair.

Survivors are frequently straight or gay or bisexual or transgendered or transsexual or multisexual. Some will actually vote for the Republicans; some for the Democrats. Some are independents.

In short, they are us. I have met them, because I no longer choose to hide either

my identity or my history Because I make no bones about that, other survivors are free to identify themselves to me safely, should they so choose. And then we all begin to take one step out of the darkness, beyond the artificial quiet and calm, and into the windy, noisy daylight.

And when these men who are taxi cab drivers and college professors and ditch diggers all step forward into the bright lights as survivors, then we will begin to see our stories in the newspapers. Then we will begin replacing denial and soft voices with truth and confidence. Then men angry with female survivors will instead join hands with our sisters, learning from their wisdom, and understanding how our shared pains might easily translate into the most profound sort of positive reciprocity.

Then we will be able to solve the problems of abuse and trauma, because we will be ready to stare them down with honest, unflinching eyes, and the support and compassion of our new society, sparkling in the brightness of the sun.

Steven jacobsen writes frequently on abuse 路survivor issues, currently from southern California~

Cody Sisson Intuitive Dream Counselor It is a scientific fact that we all dream every night whether we can remember our dreams or not. 1 The dreamwork process provides a front row seat to the theatrical performance dreams play for us every night. Dreams reveal insight into our health, career, relationships, and our emotional well-being.

Dreamwork is life-changing 'York. As we awaken to our inner world and take advantage of these gifts we receive every night, we find that dreamwork not only releases extraordinary creative energy, and deep healing of our individual lives, but also our collective social and cultural lives.

For most of our lives, we work for things that we cannot take with us.

I believe it is time to work on the things we can take with us.

1

Individuals & Couples Ongoing Dream Group Workshops & Dream Groups Free Initial Visit Phone Sessions Greenfield, MA http://www.dragon-heart. com

413-498-5950

cody@dragon-heart. com

19

continued from page 9

The New Knights shift will have," Lloyd said. "The Department of Health has included work with boys and men as a priority area for grant giving [between now and 2001] and 16 organizations have already received a total of 拢485,000 (nearly $300 ,000) .. .for work on fatherhood or with young men."

The shift has meant an increase in the workload for WWM, the bulk of which has-taken the form of research and consullaney work, including a "Young Men's Attitudes to Work Project," "Boys and Literacy Project," and "Suicide and Young Men." Since much of the work Working with Men now does is within a national context, it has required the organization to expand its capacity. To that end, WWM recently recruited a number of new consultants and trainers.

Its projects on fatherhood, boys and literacy, young men's attitudes to work, young black men's advocacy, clubs for youth, and a young mens development project in Northern Ireland underscore Working with Men's key role in the ongoing work of redefining masculinity in Great Britain. For more information about WWM , go to their website: www.stejonda.demon.co.ukl wwm.

Ahimsa: The absence of violence through the connection of love When I sat down with Calvin Bell and Paul Wolf-Light in the offices of Ahimsa, a program for men acting abusively, I felt I was home . Home in the sense that their offices, roomy, lived in, alive with activity, reminded me of the Men's Resource Center. Inside an old brick two-story building on the water in Plymouth, a southern port city of 300,000 heavily bombed because of its naval base during World War II, transformative work with men is happening.

Formerly called the Everyman's Centre, and formerly located in London, the organization took its name from the Sanskrit word Gandhi used to describe his campaign for non-violence. But, according to Wolf-Light, a warm, open-hearted man who to some resembles a British rock musician in his, early fifties, Ahimsa means much more-"its the absence of violence through the connection 9f love." Strange definition, some might say, for a program confronting men about abusive behavior.

But not to Wolf-Light, who sees encouraging men to embrace love and affirming peace as essential to ending violence.

Men sometimes hear about Ahimsa from their doctors, or a social service worker, or from a police domestic violence unit, according to program founder Bell, a 20

J

bearded, outgoing psychotherapist with a background in men's health. But then it's up to the men themselves to call and schedule the first of two initial assessment interviews. (As of this writing, there are no court-mandated programs in Great Britain.

According to Bell, about half the men who schedule the assessment never come, and of those who do, between a third and a half don't return. But those who follow through make a commitment for more than a year of intensive work to break the cycle of violence. Some clients who have been physically violent to their partners are ashamed, says clinical supervisor Wolf-Light, but it is usually because they think they should be able to control their partners without resorting to blows. "The ones who think they are sorry for the violence are actually sorry for themselves."

What makes Ahimsa unique is the comprehensive nature of the program. There are two lengthy initial individual assessment interviews (U .S. programs typically have one). Next, there are 10 individual sessions to prepare the man for the group (U .S. programs usually have men begin the group with no additional individual work). By the time the man begins the group, he has already been 路involved for nearly three months. The groups meet weekly for two and a half hours for 48 we-eks so by the end of his involvement with the program a man has been a client for 15 months.

As part of the effort to help men understand why they act violently, group members study a diagram (there are lots of handouts and assignments) of the "masculine pressure pot" which has at the bottom of the pot emotion搂 such as "fear, confusion, jealousy and insecurity, which-if ignored or 'stuffed'-start percolating as irritation, then blame, then anger, rage and finally boiling over as violence, One participant in a group at Ahimsa remarked, "It helps to put words to feelings, and to look at them while they are at the bottom of the pot rather than waiting until they hit the top." Subsequent sessions examine a range of issues including prejudices in general and the oppression of women. 路 For the 30 to 40 men who participate each year, Ahimsa is the first lime they have been given a chance to understand how they have been socialized as men. The group members, between their 20s and 40s, are mostly working class, in part because the service is free and they come

from poor communities. But their revelatipns, their awakening, have for some been dramatic. Feedback from wives or partners, from outside agencies, and from the men themselves paints a cautiously hopeful picture. While success in the field is hard to measure , "For the guys who see it though," Wolf-Light says, "it does make a significant difference. In the main, they remain nonviolent and significantly less abusive. A lot of them come back for a second course, and they need it. What we're really doing is asking them to change their entire value system." No small order.

In a handout explaining the organizations name, at a minimum Ahimsa means "... not to kill, not to be abusive ... yet the broader meaning . .. is essentially love ... nonviolence encompasses seeing through all things with love, creating and affirming peace everywhere, knowing that which manifests as violence only comes out of fear. If we can see through the fear and just lovewhomever, whatever, wherever-then in our hearts we are practicing ahimsa."

To learn more, contact the organization at www.ahimsa.org.uk.

There are numerous other mens organizations operating in the U.K., from Fathers Plus and the Newcastle Men's Initiative, covering activities in Northeast England, to the Men for Change Network, a clearinghouse for men to form or join local groups and networks. The excellent magazine Achilles Heel continues to publish cutting edge articles and commentaries on evolving masculinity. In addition, recent books, including The MANual: The Complete Man's Guide to Life, by Mick Cooper and Peter Baker, and Working with Men for Change, an anthology exploring many aspects of contemporary British mens work, offer insights and contacts for qoth those starting out on the path of a mens work and those who've been on the trail for years.

Networking, collaborating and building connection among men working for change on both sides of the Atlantic is growing. Those leading the way in England are indeed a new breed of knights whose strength comes not from wearing armor to protect themselves but from yielding to vulnerability and openness in the work of assisting men to become whole.

Voice Male

Book Review - - - - - - - - - - - By Neil Friedman

It Really Was That Bad:

Overcoming the Trauma of Our Pasts

l

lllllllllll~llll;; ;Js~m~a~l ~v~o~i!ce

cane, the place where we can know inner peace. Fromwithin, there we our feelthecan eyeobserve of the hurriings without identifying with them. We can also get there by releasing the difficult feelings that have 'I 'n E us congested. I once asked TRAr-:; s FO.RMA"n. v l' Alter why participants in the irst, full disclosure: In .Po'NER oF· C:tnsrs Opening the Heart workshop 1983 , when I joined the have to scream (and kick, sob, Spring Hill "Opening shout, etc.). His answer: the Heart" workshop staff, I "Because the scream is in apprenticed myself to Robert there." It needs to come out in Alter. I thought he was the the safety of a therapeutic or gem of the staff. His therapeu- . workshop setting. · tic interventions were brilAlter has some specific liant, his talks were superb. I things to say to men in this · idealized him. book. For example, he sugl!2"'..=...:~-::.::.:3'~-:Z:'$..~;;;;:; gests that we need to get The essays in his new book, The Transformative beyond what Samuel Shem Power of Crisis (written with his wife, Jane and Janet Surrey have called "male relaAlter), remind me of those talks: few tional dread" (in We Have to Talk, Basic words, delivered with precision; rueful Books, 1998). We need to learn how to and self-deprecating humor; great stories. talk-really talk-to women from that Like Hemingway--excess verbiage deleted. inside place. And we need to learn how to The gist of the book is this: Our childlisten to women. Alter feels that women hoods were at least as bad as we rememmay know more about this process called ber them. Probably they were worse. We "relating" than men do, but he does list were hurt by parents, peers, teachers, "Ten Good Things About Men," which deaths, divorces, moving, doctors, and somewhat levels out a slightly pro-female 1 abusers.< We were mangled. We need to bias in the book. acknowledge, feel, and accept how bad it How else could the book be better? The really was--and at some point we need to title is imprecise, for one thing. And I miss let it go, transcend the past, forgive our more of Alters own story. For me, he does poorly' parented parents, and go on to not grapple enough with how his faith in a become true adults. In the book, Alter Beneficent Higher Power squares with colwarns of twin dangers: of premature forlective disasters such as the Holocaust, giveness, and of holding on to the hurts Kosovo, Rwanda, and AIDS . And, finally, I forever. , did not find the relationship section of the The way to finish our childhoods and book quite as satisfying as I did the secbecome grown-ups, Alter believes, is tions on the mind, meditation, the place of through exploring feelings, practicing inner peace, and feelings . meditation, understanding the workings of Nonetheless, this is a beautiful book. It the mind, reaching the place of inner is a book with which the reader can enter peace, and using our intimate relationships into a dialogue. It is a book about life both to trigger our primal hurts and to about your life, about my life. help heal them. The bulk of the book conI no longer idealize Robert Alter. The sists of stories, pithy examples, short lecidealization was hard to let go of, but tures, and explanations of how to do that. doing so makes it easier to love him from .

Alter describes the mind as "a manic a distance . This is a provocative, thoughtmonkey who's had too much to drink and ful, deep, wise, and crisply written book. I whos just been stung by bees." It is the hope he is proud of it. job of mind, he says, "to be busy, to be negative, and to wander." Meditation helps Neil Friedman, Ph.D., is a psychologist in quiet the mind and free us from its pesprivate practice in Arlington, Massachusetts. simistic tyranny and gets us to the still,

F

Voice Male

Nothing more beautiful

By Angelita lsom

The truth of the matter is There is nothing more beautiful Than a black man.

Whether five-two or six-seven Yellow fabulous or chocolate heaven, There is nothing more beautiful Than a black man. long and lean With deep brown eyes Wavy hair or dreads With strong thick thighs There is nothing more beautiful Than a black man.

Bald head with goatee, Cornrows or a fade A little thick, a little thin Oh, the choices to be made There is nothing more beautiful Than a black man.

Scholarly or not Wall Street or hip hop I'll sing your praises To the mountain top.

Head of the home Provider and lover Obedient son and l~ving brother.

There is nothing more beautiful Than a black man.

A mighty protector you've proven to be Sacrificing your life to keep me free Working for crumbs when the table is bare Praising the lord, leading the family in prayer There is nothing more beautiful Than a black man.

Holding my hand when fear emerges Remaining faithful, suppressing your urges Proving your strength by turning the other cheek Having high hopes when the situation is bleak There is nothing more beautiful Than a black man.

Treating me like the queen I was born to be Never disrespecting, dishonoring, or disgracing me Giving me credit when it is due Oh, black man, how I honor you.

There is nothing more beautiful Than a black man.

Angelita lsom is a poet and junior high school science teacher in Virginia.

Build a Men's Center In .,. "· s. tmd S.yond Workshops. A Trainings For Community G~ups Schools & Businesses To book 1 date or to 181m more contact

Men's Resource ·Center 236 No. Pleasant Street Amherst, MIJ.ss_ 01002 (413) 253-9887 .

mrcflvaUnet.com

21

THANK YOU The Men's Resource Center is truly a community organization. We have grown to where we are now because hundreds of people have shared our inspiration and commitment, and contributed their time, services, and money toward a vision of personal and social transformation. As our programs and services continue to grow in size and scope , we see that the size and scope of our community support also expand. We are filled with deep gratitude at the outpouring of support. We hope the following acknowledgments communicate a sense of being pan of a growing community of support. Thank you .

Lesure, Damien Licata, Gabor Lukacs , Alex MacPhail, Rick Martin, Bob Mazer, Nathan McCaskill, Jim Napolitan, Tom Schuyt, Sheldon Snodgrass, Gary Stone, Patrick Tangredi, Randy Zucco Youth Volunteers Vafa Ansarifar, Jonathan Bell, Elena BotkinLevy, Ross Carson-Groner, Ali Feely, Doug Ginn, Cady Goss, Berri Jacque, Taylor Korfhage-Poret, Rudy Malbanan, David Marko, Josh Nevas, Stephen Remington, Matthew Raymond, Mark Ribble , Shalu Shelat, Sarah Smart, Steven Theberge, Ryan Young

0ffice Volunteer Julie Balkin •

In-Kind Donations Henion Bakery

Voice Male Volunteer Maurice Posada Support Group Facilitators Paul Abbott, Ken Bernstein, Michael Burke, Jim Devlin, Philip Fitz, Tim Gordon, Michael Greenebaum, Ken Howard, Walter

is pleased to announce the opening of a new office in Shelburne Falls William P. Ryan, Ph.D. Psychologist

Donated Space Hampshire Community Action Commission, Northampton

Office Intern Damien Licata

William P. Ryan, Ph.D.

Affordable Rates

(413) 625-2828

As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC Board of Directors for the ongoing guidance and support they give to this organization and all who are a part of it.

GAY BI--SEXUAL QUESTIONING MEN

monthly Brunch LAST SUNDAY OF THE MONTH 10-12 July 30 • August 27 • September 24 • October 29

At the Men's Resource Center • 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, Mass.

For more information: Carl Erikson 253-9887

22

Voice Male

MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS · Open Men's Group- 7- 9 p.m. Sunday evenings at the MRC · Amherst office, Tuesday evenings 7-9 p.m. at 218 State St., Northampton.' A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other. · Survivors o( Childhood Abuse - Specifically for men who are survivors of any kind of childhood abuse. Call the MRC (413) 253-9887, for details. · Gay, Bisexual, Transgende r, & Questioning 7-9 p.m. Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation.

FATHERING PROGRAMS A variety of resources are available- lawyer referrals, parenting guidance, workshops, educational presentations and conferences.

Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/father figures.

YOUTH EDUCATION PROGRAMS (YEP) · Socially Active Youth (SAY): In collaboration with the Everywoman's Center, we train high school and college males and females to do projects in the community on sexual assault prevention education, violence prevention, and youth empowerment.

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent o·r verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available. · Basic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Ware, Springfield, and Greenfield.

• Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in . Northampton and Amherst. · Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program. · Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County jail and House of Corrections. · Teen Groups: A 10 week MOVE group for young men (ages 14-19) who have been violent or abusive to others. · Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available.

· Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help/revent family violence are available to speak at schools an human service programs.

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING Available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available.

ALTERNATIVE FAMILIES PROJECT A 60-page manual, Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there."

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and natio~al activities, support programs for men. Our library and resource files are available to all MRC members.

VOICE MALE Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity.

Interested In A Men's Resource Center Speaker?

A Workshop or Training?

Contact Carl Erikson at (413) 253-9887 mrc@valinet.com

Subscribe Now! I Subscribe to Voice Male and keep informed about the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts and news of changing men. With I your subscription comes a 12-month membership to the MRC, which includes mailings of MRC events and, of course, Voice Male.

I I Name: ---------------------------~~-- I I I I Address: - - - - - - - - - -------- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ---------I I City: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ State: _ _ _ _ Zip: _ _ _ __ I I want to subscribe to Voice I Male and become a member Phone: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ I oftheMRC. Email: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I I 0 Other I 0$250 0$500 0$100 0$18 0$50 0$25 I Student/ Basic 1I s·---Please consider one of these special contributions Membership Limited Income 1 Mail to: MRC 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, Mass. 01002 .J L

YES!

-------------------------------

Voice Male

23

RESOURCES a list of meeting dates and discussion topics, write to ECFTMG, P.O. Box 60585, Florence, MA 01062.

Men's Resources in the Valley & Beyond The American Can~ar Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups, patient support groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literature, low-cost housing, and transportation.

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampshire County area. Big Brothers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend. To learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591 .

Children's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services.

Counseling tor individuals, families and children, with a play therapy room tor working with children. Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress.

East Coast Female-to-Mala (FTM) Group, a free peer support group, meets in Northampton, MA on the second Sunday of every month from 3:00 to 6:00 PM. All FTMs and allies welcome. For more information and directions to the meetings, call Bet Power at (413) 584-7616. To receive

HIV Tasting Hotline (800) 750-2016 Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter tor homeless individuals -123 Hawley St., Northampton.

Doors open at 6 PM. Life Course Counseling Center (413) 253-2822 Counseling tor gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people. www.valinet.com/-lifecour Man's Therapy Group (413) 586-7454 Reed Schimmelfing, MSW Sax I Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.

Straight spouses or gay/lasbian!bl partners: support group meets monthly in Greenfield, MA, area. For more information, contact Jane Harris at (413) 625-6033 or email aharrjs@valjnet com.

Konza Massage Deep tissue, sports, structural body work and relaxation therapy for men

Joseph Babcock

Internet Resources Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www.mrc-wma.com

National Men's Resource Center National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships. www.menstuff.org The Men's Issues Page: www.vlx.com/pub/men/lndex.html

Monadnock Gay Men: http://members.aol.com/monadgay/index.html o"r email monadgay@aol.com 100 Black Men, Inc.: www.100bm.org Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminlst.com/pro.htm Pro-feminist mailing list: http://coombs.anu.edu.aut-gorkln/profem. html

Fathers At Home Dad: www.parentsplace .com/readroom/athomedad The Fathers Resource Center: www.slowlane.com/frc National Fatherhood Initiative: www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernat

413.587.4334 A.M.T.A Member

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and support services tor adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc. Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Ann Henry(413) 584-6599.

The Fatherhood Project: www.fatherhoodproject.org

Nationally Certified

Magazines Achilles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achllles/lssuas.html

Aeadv to Change Your life?

Men's Group Therapy Psychothel'llpy for:

Couples - Families Individuals

413-586-7454

Reed Schimmelfing MSW. LICSW · Offices In Northampton

XY:men, sex politics (from Australia): http://coombs.anu.edu.aut-gorkin/XY/Xyintro.htm

Ending Men's Violence Real Men: www.cs.utk.edu/-bartley/other/reaiMen.html The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www.mrpp.org/lntro.html Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www.geocities.com/CapltaiHIII/1139/qultpom. html

Volunteers Needed

Sam Femiano, Th.D., Ed,D. UCENSED CUNICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Individual and group psychotherapy Therapy groups for male survivors of childhood abuse

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County (413) 253-2591 Bangs Community Center, Boltwood Walk, Amherst, Massachusetts.

25 MAIN STREET· NORTIIAMPTON, MA-01060

Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Hey, that's us! Office work, reception, special projects, more.

TEL: 413-586-0515 • Fax: 413-584-8903 • EMA1I.: PATSAM®JAVANET.COM

24

AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-82898 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HIV or AIDS. Men are especially needed.

Voice Male

continued from page 15

RESOURCES

When Fathers Mother Some people understand this intuitively, and it is in them that I find hope: Several summers ago, my mother and I took Rebecca, then two years old, on her first subway ride, to the Museum of the American Indian. The train was standing room only when we got on in Brooklyn. I held her against my chest with one arm, her legs wrapped around my waist, my other hand light on one of the support poles-but this didn't l~t long. A middle-aged Jamaican woman, sitting across the aisle from where I was standing, got up and gestured me into her seat.

"It takes two to tango," she said to my mother over the din of the train , nodding approvingly in my direction. "It takes a mother and a father." A simple statement, and a small sacrifice on her part, but one that touched me deeply because it's so rare. My wife and I have been impressed to discover, in the last couple of years, that, in our generally unfortunate cultural context, parenthood is one of the few things that trumps race-by which I mean, parenthood is one of the few bridges over the chasm of race, and creates more, and easier, interracial interaction, more real and perceived common ground, than almost anything else; but what this woman was doing, in addition to reaching across that divide, was ignoring gender as well: she read me as a parent with a child and, in spite of the fact that it is traditionally men who give up seats to women, younger people who give up seats to older, her respect for parenthood propelled her toward a different kind of etiquette.

The language she used, moreover, was perfect; two simple sentences, the second of which contained a quiet but clear, straight equivalence between "mother" and "father," no sarcasm, no lifted eyebrow. For a brief moment, I existed; she gave me space and, in her choice of words, because we exist not just in other peoples eyes but reflected in the words with whiCh they choose to describe us, she gave me voice.

Donald N.S. Unger is a political commentator for National Public Radio affiliate WFCR in Amherst, Massachusetts, and writes frequently for Voice Male.

David M. Wolgin, Ph.D Licensed Psychologist Offering Individual and group psychotherapy services for adults dealing with mood disorders, anxiety disorders, relationship issues, stress management problems, and gay/lesbian related issues.

356 Montague City Road Turners Falls, MA 01376 ( 413) 863-9959

Thom Levy, M. Ed., LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor • Psychotherapy for Individuals and Couples • EMDR for Overcoming Traumas, Phobias and Performance Anxieties • Stress Reduction Training

Amherst, MA • tel and fax 413-549-2901 • hpandtl@crocker.com

Coun~eling SHe/

Proc~ o~~entut ~odywork

I .-tt~Ctt'~

bod:Y, rn.i+'\d,. CM'\d; ~l¥l:t

]oMCOtUtt III

413.773.7226

Robert Mazer psychotherapy for men in transition, .men seeking movement in their lives free initial consultation I flexible fees staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amherst

Voice Male

. 256-0772

25

CALENDAR june 22 -23, 9 a.m.-4 p.m.

August 10-13

Wellesley, Mass.

Gender Violence/Dating Violence/Sexual Harassment Prevention Training Sponsored by the Wellesley College Center for Research on Women. For staff from K-12 schools and those from sexual assault/domestic violence centers who work in schools. At Wellesley College Club . Information : Tel. (781 ) 283-2506; Fax (781) 283-3646; hmatthew@wellesley:edu' www.wellesley:edu!WC, then click on What's Happening.

Colorado Springs, Colorado Men and Masculinity Conference: 25 Years of Changing Men .

Sponsored by the National Organization For Men Against Sexism (NOMAS) . At Colorado College. Information: NOMAS, PO Box 455 , Louisville, CO 80027-0455 ; wwwnomas org.

September 16, 9:00 a.m.-5 p.m.

Taos, New Mexico Healing Men's Violence Retreat Sponsored by the Mens Resource Center of Northern New Mexico . A relational and community approach. Person! sharing, participatory exercises, and heart-to-heart dialogue .

Information: (505) 758-9066.

june 24 Washington, DC Men's March Against Domestic Violence Hosted by Men for Families, Inc. Purposes : to teach men and society about the dangers of domestic abuse; encourage men to take part in programs to break cycle of abuse; and propose actions to eradicate domestic violence. Infotmation: 14608 Kinderhook Terrace, Burtonsville, Maryland 20866; Tels.

800-800-9724, 888-946-8271 ; Fax (301) 890-7622; rpruitt庐menforfamilies .org路 www.menforfamilies.orglmensmarch.htm.

june 27, 28, 29, or 30 Wellesley, Mass.

Confronting Teasing and Bullying in the Elementary Grades: A Curriculum Approach Sponsored by the Wellesley College Center for Research on Women. Each one-day workshop will explore pro-active curriculum strategies for teaching elementary students about teasing and bullying. At Wellesley College. Information: see above, under June

22-23. july 7, 7-10 p.m.

Mens resource Center - Amherst, Mass Internal Mediation with Thorn Herman Based on 'The Work of Byron Katie," Thorn will lead participants in learning this simple; experiential process for shedding new light on personal problems. Donations will benefit the MRC. For information- (413) 374-1330.

August 5-6 Windsor Locks, Connecticut.

Ritual Abuse, Secretive/ Organizations and Mind Control Conference Sponsored by SMART (Stop Mind Control and Ritual Abuse Today). Purpose: to help survivors of. and stop, ritual abuse and mind control. For survivors , helping professionals, and others interested . At the Double Tree Hotel near Bradley International Airport (between Hartford, 路CT. and Springfield , MA) .

Information: SMART, PO Box 1295 , Easthampton, MA 01027-1295 ; smartnews@aol .com 路 http:l/members.aol.com/smartnews/smart2000-conference.htm.

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October 20-22 Pottstown, Pennsylvania.

Changing a Culture: Peace Between Men and Women Conference sponsored by Men's International Peace Exchange (MIPE) . Purpose : to share what is being done to reduce the polarization between men and women, create a network, and give mutual support. Social work CEUs available. At Fellowship Farm. Information: MIPE, PO Box 36 , Swarthmore, PA 190810036; mipeOO@aol.com .

MRC SUPPORT GROUP FOR

MALE .

SURVIVORS OF CH.I LDHOOD

ABUSE For information and to schedule an initial interview Cal1 (413) 253-9887 ext. 17

Please send calendar listings for the Fall 2000 issue to Voice Male Calendar, MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002. Deadline for listings is August 5 ..

Take This Quiz: If you can answer yes to one or more of these questions, you may have a problem with abuse. At Men Overcoming Violence, we can help you evaluate your situation. Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff.

We can help.

MOVE Men Overcoming Violence

(413)

253~9588

Voice Male

- MRC INTEGRITY DEVELOPMENT AND CONSTRUCTION

• • Do You Want Generation .

Boys?

RESIDENTIAL AND COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION

• Are you an. .

Sup If you answered yes to these questions then you are a natural to become a member of the Men's Resource Center.

CALL US FOR A FREE CONSULTATION 413-549-7919

For $25 a year ($40 .for families; $18 for students.and those on limited incomes) you can become part of a dynamic organization that has as its credo-Supporting MenChallenging Violence.

YES! 0 I want to become a member of the Men's Resource Center.

$500

0

$250

$50 0 $40 $ Other

0

(AND THEIR FAMILIES) ADVERTISE IN

Enclosed is my check for:

0 0

REACH 10,000 MEN

0

$100

$25

(All contributions are tax-deductible to the extent allowed by law.)

Mail checks to MRC 236 No. Pleasant St. , Amherst, MA 01002

VOICE MALE

·1 he magazine of the !\len's Resource Center ol \\'estern 1\lassachusetts

Published quarterly, Voice Male is distributed in 25 states and throughout Western New England from the Massachusetts-Connecticut border into Southern New Hampshire and Vermont.

Either send camera-ready ads to us, or utilize our in-house design and production services.

Name Address

For sizes, rates and deadlines, Voice Male (413) 253-9887, FAX (413) 253-4801.

City State Phone

Zip

VOICE MALE 236 No. Pleasant St. , Amherst, Mass . 01002 E-mail: mrc @valinet.com

E-mail Voice Male - - - - - -- -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - 27

Resources and support for fathers and their allies.

A publication of the Fathers' Network 2 North Road, Westhampton, MA 01027 â&#x20AC;˘ (413) 529-9226

Printed on Recycled Paper