Voice Male Spring 2003

INSIDE:

• ADifferent Kind of Regime Change

• Michael Kimmel on Privilege

• Men

Overcomin~

Depression

• AIDS, Blacks, and Discrimination

• The Leadership Myth

Moving Beyond Patriarchy

Features

By Rob Okun ith our world threatened by leaders espousing dangerous, outmoded deas of masculinity, isn't it high time the Surgeon General issued a warning that patriarchy is dangerous to the health and well-being of children, women, and men?

The millions of citizens who gathered in dozens of countries around the world to say no to war in mid-February were repudiating more than just the politics of fear being articulated by the temporary resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Vkshington, D.C. They were also asserting a resounding "No!" to the old flawed ways of dealing with conflict on the international stage: the muscle-flexing associated with conventional masculinity.

As a culture we are struggling for a vocabulary to describe the shift this multigenerational, multicultural, multinational peace corps is expressing with irs feet and its signs from New York to London, Rome to johannesburg, Sydney to Athens, Tokyo to Cairo and beyond. There is no support for·the brazen criminal acts of Iraq's Saddam Hussein among the global antiwar movement. On the contrary, he is seen as a dangerous part of the old patriarchal paradigm. Maintaining the pressure to contain and disarm Saddam can vigorously continue without killing innocent people and destroying Iraq's already decimated infrastructure in the bargain.

It is no longer trite to quote Bob Dylan's 40-year-old line "the times they are achanging" as a sign of the shift in consciousness being expressed by citizens on every continent. In fact, the politics of domination-as expressed by that patriarchal paradigm-are being supplanted by the politics of collaboration-as expressed by an "evolving" masculinity, an evolution inspired by the insights of the women's movement over nearly those same 40 years.

We have examples of the shift in heroleaders like Nelson Mandela, the South African statesman respected the world over. jailed for three decades for demanding an end to racial segregation in his native land, once he was elected president Mr. Mandela hand- and heart-crafted a politics of compassion through a Truth and Reconciliation Commission created to begin healing the wounds of apartheid. His decision to choose nonviolent dialogue over vengeful retribution points in a diplomatic direction that the United Nations as well as individual countries, especially the United States, could emulate to build a bridge from the old world of fear and hate to a new one of trust and love.

Make no mistake. No one is so na:ive as to suggest that constructing that bridge, and safely crossing it, will be easy; it won't be. But the alternative-global conflagration-should motivate even the most cynical among us to seriously explore its durable manufacture. As a model for leadership that supersedes old ideas of manhood, imagine if Nelson Mandela were leading the United States right nowCombining humility and generosity with leadership absent of defensiveness, this

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

country might begin to realize its promise as a true democracy.

"Your old road is rapidly aging," Dylan wrote, "Please get out of the new one if you can't lend a hand." It is unlikely George Bush will follow that advice, resign and go into exile on his ranch in Texas. Consequently, it is up citizen-activists around the country- and the world-to continue to speak truth to power, developing a fluency in the language of nonviolent change, a language where words like "patriarchy" and "domination" are described, ·once and for all, as obsolete in the newer dictionaries of the 21st century.

This issue of Voice Male articulates a vision of "evolving" masculinity in several articles beginning with Michael Kimmel's insightful examination of the advantages that straight, white, middle class males have in "With the Wind at My Back: Looking at Privilege" (page 8), an important consideration for anyone interested in creating an egalitarian society.

Privilege is explored from another angle by Michael Greenebaum, who offers a thoughtful essay on who leads in "Leaders, Followers, and Heroes," a meditation on exercising real vision, a commodity we need a lot of at this fragile moment in history (page 10). The struggles and strategies for dealing with male depression are the subject of managing editor Michael Burke's honest article, "Creating a New Ufe: Men Overcoming Depression" (page 12), and Dennis Bushey weighs in with a brave memoir, "Finding Acceptance as a Transgendered Man" (page 14) . In the first of two contributions Les Wright reviews a provocative book about the insights of the gay sensibility in The Soul Beneath the Skin by David Nimmons (page 15), and the trials and tribulations of being a young father form the subject of Markjimerson's profile, ''A Teen Father's Adult Ufe" (page 16).

Carl Erikson's OutUnes column celebrates openness in ''Affirmations of Pleasure: Gay Men and Sex" (page 18), while Vernon McClean offers a sobering look at ''A Hierarchy of Oppression? AIDS, Blacks and Discrimination" in this issue's Men &: Health column. In Notes from Survivors, Les Wright's second contribution, he offers helpful insights to allies in "What in the World ls Going On? Insights for Nonsurvivors" (page 21), and Russell Bradbury~ Carlin reviews a new book about understanding abusive men, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (page 22) . To make this chorus of voices complete, we need to hear from you! Please write us your thoughts, comments and ideas. And please get out and enjoy the Spring.

With the Wind at My Back: Looking at Privilege . . . fry Michael Kimmel

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Leaders, Followers, and Heroes .. .I 0 ~Y Michael Greenebaum "It's a Beautiful Day, and We Have Our lives": Men Overcoming Depression .12

By Michael Burke Finding Acceptance as a Transgendered Man r .14 ~Y Dennis Bushey

Columns & Opinion From the Editor . ........ . . .

. . .. .. . . . . .2 ... . . ....... 3

Direc wr's Voice ...

Mail Bonding ..

.. .4

Men@Work

. . .... . .. .. .5

Book Reviews Why Does He Do That? cy Lundy Bancroft Rrviewed cy Russell Bradbury-Carlin ..... 7 The Soul Beneath the Skin cy David Nimmons Reviewed cy Les Wright . .. .. . .. . .. . .. 15 Fathenng ..... . . . ... .. .. .. .16 A Teen Father's Adult life fry Mark]immon Outlines ........ .. . ... . . ... . . ... .... . . 18 Affirmations of Pleasure: Gay Men and Sex ~ Cari Eriilson GBQ Resources

.. ... .... . . .. .19

Men & Health ..... . . . . . . . .. . .20 A Hierarchy of Oppression?

AIDS, Blacks. and Discrimination

By Vemon McClean Notes from Survivors . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . .21 "What in the World Is Going On?" Insights for Nonsurvivors

By Les Wright MRC Programs & Services ... . . . . . . .. ... .. .23 ... . . . . . . .... . . .24 Thank You . ...... .•... . . . . . . . . . • . . • . . .25 Calendar . .. 26 ResOurces

Cover photo by Mark Jimerson

A. Different Kind of Regime 路change Administrative Staff Executive Oirsctor -Steven Botkin Ass41ciats Oirsctor - Rob Okun Oirsctor of Opsrations- Cart Erikson Osvsiopmsnt Coordinator - Spir/1 Joseph Men Overcoming Violence Oirsctor - Russell Bradbury-Carlin Cllnit:lli Supsrvisor - Sara Elinoff Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison -Steve Trudel Partner Ssrvit:Bs Coordinator - Jan Eidelson Franklin County Coordinator - Joy Kaubin Hampden County Coordinator - Scott Girard North Quabbin Community Educ11tor - Tom Sullivan Administrative Coortlinator- Edgar Cancel Group Leaders - James Arana, Eve Bogdanove, Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Karen Fogliatti, Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson. Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta, Gary Newcomb, Susan Omilian, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel Immigrant and Refugee Program Oirsctor - Juan.Carlos Arean Youth Programs Coordinator - Jeff Harris Group Leaders -James Arana, Edgar Cancel, Julius Ford, Jeff Harris

Voice Male Magazine Editor - Rob Okun Managing Editor - Michael Burke Senior Editor - Steven Botkin OssignBr - Chandler & Co. Copy Editor - Michael Dover Support Programs Oirsctor - Allan Arnaboldi Support Group Facilitators -Allan Arnaboldi.

Michael Burke, Andy Dennison, Jim Devlin, Michael Dover. Carl Erikson. Jerry Garofalo, Tim Gordon, Ken Howard, Rick Kapler. Gabor Lukacs, Rick Martin, Bob Mazer. Peter McAvoy, Jim Napolitan, Rob Parle/, Nelson Pinette, Roger Stawasz, Tom Schuyt, Chris Shanahan, Sheldon Snodgrass, Bob Sternberg. Patrick Tangredi, John H. Thompson, Les Wright Board of Directors Chair - Peter Jessop Vies Chair - Thorn Herman Clsrk -Michael Dover Tieasursr - Sudhakar Vamathevan MsmbBrs -Charles Bodh( Jenny Daniell.

Lisa Freitag-Keshet, Nancy Girard, Tom Gardner.

Jack Hornor. Yoko Kala, Brenda L6pez, Malhew Ouellet Advisory Board

Michael Bardsley, Larry Beane. Dean Cycon, Bailey Jackson, Luis Melendez, Matthew Morse. Cheryl Rivera, Elizabeth Scheibel, Felice Yeske/ Editor's Note

Opinions expressed herein may not represent/he views of all stall, board, or members of the MRC. We welcome letters, articles, news items, article ideas. and events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts. bul canna/ be responsible tor their loss. Manuscripls will be returned and responded to rf accompanred by a stamped return envelope. Send to Voice Male. 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002; voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org.

Advertising

For rates and deadlines call Voice Male Advertising a/413-253-9881. Ext. 20.

By Steven Botkin nee again we are perched on the brink of the unknown. So much feels out of our control. So many decisions are being made that seem irrational and dangerous, based on old strategies of retribution and revenge, fighting violence with violence, and seeking safety jn domination.

The old model of male power through domination and violence seems to be in complete control. Bullying is once again being used in the name of'self-defense. Selfrighteousness blinds us to our growing isolation as we use intimidation and domination to try to get our way. Lost in the depths of our own fear, we are unable to see anything but a dangerous world which we must subdue at all costs.

So we beat the drums of war. Because we feel an obligation to do something. Because we don't believe in anything else. Because it makes us feel stronger and safer. Because anything else feels too scary and uncertain.

Because it is what our fathers did.

In the drumbeat of war we find a seductive comfon and inspiration. On its rhythms we are carried together into the fight against a common enemy. It is so much easier to see the bullying in others.

What do we do when we see someone acting like a bully? In so many ways we have learned to keep silent about bullying. On the street, in school, we learned that breaking the silence meant risking being the next target of the abuse. In our homes we have learned that what happens behind closed doors is nobody else's business.

However, in recent years we have increasingly recognized bullying and family violence as serious social problems. As a society we are developing bullying prevention education programs in schools and strategies .for intervening in families when individuals are at risk of being abused.

But what do we do when it is the ruler of a nation who is beiRg a bully? Who will provide a prevention or intervention program that is not simply trying to be a bigger bully, trying to fight violence with violence? The drumbeat of war tricks us into thinking we could win a "war" on terrorism.

And what do we do when it is we ourselves who are being the bully7 From the inside we are simply "having fun" or "protecting ourselves" or "doing it for your own good" or "enacting justice." Those who suggest we are acting abusively are dismissed as over-sensitive, na'ive, or subversive, and we beat our drums even louder in our selfrighteousness.

But there is another drum whose beat has been growing stronger. It is deep and slow and steady. This is the beat that guided Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. The beat reminds us of the power in our deep connection to everything and everyone. The

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beat reminds us that this power, this love force, is our true heritage and our inevitable destiny.

We are on the threshold of a regime change. It is only our shonsightedness and narrow-mindedness that makes it look as if this is simply about Saddam Hussein or a U.S. war against Iraq. Something much bigger is actually happening.

The limitations of the old models of masculinity and power are becoming painfully obvious. Everywhere a new global consciousness struggles to find its expression in a way never before possible. The old world order is becoming more obviously ineffective and counterproductive.

Our biggest danger at this historical time is not from the bullying of Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, or George W Bush. It is from our own tendency to get terrorized, leaving us vulnerable to being seduced by the war drums or entranced in our furious efforts to fight their beating.

It is time to firmly align ourselves with the other drumbeat. The beat that roots us in our true power-the pulse of life. Rising up from the earth, through the bodies and souls of the people of the world. We are beating the drums of peace and faith, the drums of love and the drum.s of true justice. This beat reminds us that something good is happening-even here, especially here-in this place of great hun and tremendous fear. This beat will never be silenced. Can you hear it?

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Inhuman Acts, Human Actors Robert jensen's article, "Challenging Rape Culture," in the Winter issue of Voice Male, contributes to the discussion of how and why rape is "woven into the fabric of the culture," as he puts it. Yet I question his use of the word "inhuman" in describing people who have committed heinous acts. The dictionary defines inhuman as "cruel, brutal," or simply, "not human ." This last definition, I believe, steers us into dangerous waters.

Defining another person as "not human" has led-and continues to lead-to such destructive practices as slavery, ethnic cleansing, and capital punishment. But if some of us are human, and some of us are not. .·.who gets to decide?

People who commit cruel and horrifying acts must certainly be prevented by the community from continuing in their . destruction. But we must not lose sight of the fact that a healthy, balanced person does not rape, murder, or torture others. At the root of each act of cruelty is the history of some other . cruelty. It can all seem overwhelming, and can lead to our tendency to use shorthand· like "inhuman," or, as jensen also writes, "monsters," to describe human beings.

I was raped when I was 15, and the resulting shame had a powerful impact on me.

I blamed myself for years, because hadn't I, after all, agreed to go out with the young man7

He had seemed like such a nice person.

Wasn't I obviously just a poor judge of character7 Compounding my distress was the fact that the young man was a student from Iran. Since this violation occurred during the 1979-80 Iranian hostage crisis, it brought up fears that not only would I be publicly humiliated if I "told," but it could spark a huge controversy in my hometown. Flooded by confusion and guilt, I stuffed my feelings down and went numb.

Was that young Iranian man less than human because he ignored my cries of "Please ... no! "? It took me years to answer that question: my answer is no. I have come ~o understand that he \Va5 a product of a culture, like my own, that has destructive attitudes about women, men, justice, ·and human rights.

He was someone from far away, someone I barely knew. What about closer to home7 Over the years, many of the men in my circle of friends and in my family have acted in ways that undercut the humanity of women.

Sexist jokes and stupid remarks, yes; but worse, too. What about the man who married a woman from Somalia who'd been genitally mutilated as a child? On their wedding night, he followed "tradition" and used his penis as a sort of seam ripper, tearing open where she'd been sewn up at the age of six. They spent the rest of their honeymoon in the ER after she nearly bled to death . I've kqown this man all my life. Can it be true that he's a "monster"?

Three men I know have hired prostitutes while traveling outside of the Unitl!d States, each believing that he was '' the sweetest customer she'd ever had. " I'm not refemng to beer-guzzling belchers here, but to men who consider themselves to be decem, compassionate guys. Yet their myopia about gender justice and human rights led to their wielding power and privilege as men-and as Americans-in ways that dehumanized others.

So is the planet overrun with inhuman monsters? Or do we simply save those labels for the most bestial acts, committed by those we don't know?

When we veer down the slippery slope of negating another's humanity-for whatever

reason-we risk falling into the very trap that brings us such horror and disgust.

Dehumanization of any stripe can lead to desire for vengeance, lack of compassion, and more cruelty. Where does it end? Do we dare · examine the roots, not just of male violence, but of all violence?

We would do well to consider the bigger picture, especially as Americans and "First Worlders." Our culture is based on and profits from empire-building and oppression .

Americans, on the whole, are fairly described as a people who consume and dominate far more than our share. Oil, cheap labor, convenient transportation, political clout, the stockpiling of weapons of mass destruction . .. don't these just come with the territory?

How could rape not be woven into the fabric of such a culture, of any culture addicted to domination and violent solutions?

Inhuman monsters? I don't believe so.

Tw.isted by unhealed wounds, perhaps, or maybe unbalanced by power and privilege. Yet who among us has clean hands? Rather than spend time deciding about who qualifies for humanness, we would do better to look · unflinchingly at the roots of all forms of violence in our society and our world ... and in every aspect of our lives.

Eveline MacDougall Greenfield, Mass.

Decoding Racism on TV In the Winter 2001 Voice Male Steven Botkin discussed the Men's Resource Center's commitment to addressing the issue of racism.

I have developed a workshop, 'Television and Race: Role Socialization" examining the role television plays perpetrating white supremacy.

Among the subtleties it explores are names given African-American characters and decloaking and decoding the associated images and symbols. The presentation is designed for ages 14 and up.

Mulazimuddin 5. Rasool Amherst, Mass.

Internal Mediation -Life Beyond Therapy "Internal Mediation" is based on "The Work of Byron Katie" and Thom Herman is a certified Practitioner of the Work. Internal Mediation is a simple and radical process tl1at fundamentally alters our relationship to our thoughts.

Thom can be invited to present Internal Mediation to groups in aworkshop setting. When invited Thorn works by donation. He also works with clients individually through his psychotherapy practice in Northampton and Greenfiel~, MA.

For more information check out Thorn's web site at: UJ

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Where the Boys (and Girls) Are: In the Workplace First it was Take Our Daughters to WoFk Day. Now, the boys are getting into the act.

The Ms. Foundation for Women, which created the original Take Our Daughters to Work Day in 1993, has announced the launch, 10 years later, of Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, which will take place on April 24, 2003 . The organization stresses that this new moniker does not just mean "take our children." "We will include activities to ensure both gi rls and boys will get the most out of the day an.d to make the inclusion of boys as meaningful as possible, not just 'add boys and stir,"' explains Marie C. Wilson, president of the Ms. Foundation.

"We are making this change because revolution demands evolution," said Wilson, adding that the goal is "that girls and boys can learn to work together to bring about a more equitable world-at home, at school, and in the workplace."

The original Take Our Daughters to Work Day began a national conversation about girls and''boys, education, and the working world, and for the past decade has expanded girls' understanding of possible career opportunities ' and encouraged equal opportunities for women in the workplace. "Our next step, " said Wilson, "is to bring the boys to work alongside the girls and take on the issues ·that they \vill both confront in the workplace. " And men, too, are getting involved, especially fathers who seek more time at home with their _children. A recent national survey found that 82 percent of men ages 21 to 39 rated "having a work schedule whiCh allows rhe to spend time with my family " as "very important." Yet 56 percent of Americans still believe it is more acceptable for men to put in overtime ar the office, even if it means being away from family.

In the past decade, more than 71 million Americans have participated in Take Our 1 Daughters to Work Day, and the Ms. Foundation hopes that including sons in the equation recognizes the changes and

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challenges sparked by new technology, . workplace producti\~ty issues, increasing demands at work, and changing gender roles and family expectations. For more information on this program, check out www.DaughtersandSonstoWorkorg.

Wigging Out Over Domestic Violence According to the publication jewish Week, the Kings Coun ty (~'J.Y) District Attorney's office has found a unique way to work against domestic violence-they're recruiting area sheitelmachers (wig-makers) to talk to their Orthodox j ewish clients about abuse that may be going on at home. ln the world of Brooklyn's Orthodox neighborhoods, where customers visit sheitelmachers as often as every otjler week for a sham poo and styling of-the wigs they wear in obedience to religious laws of modesty for manied women, it's often only this special

type of hairdresser who knows her clients' secrets-secrets that may include a hidden domestic life of abuse. The program-the first of its kind-aims to sensirize these professional women to the issue of domestic violence in the Orthodox world, to educate them about services to which they can refer their clients, and to teach them not to say "this doesn't happen in our community, " according to Henna White, jewish community liaison for the Brooklyn DA and creator of the program .

'Tve been so busy with domestic violence calls," says Whi te. ''After the sheitelmachers, next we'll do the mikveh (ritual bath) ladies, the daycare workers and the nail salons." The DA's office has already begun with the more "top-down" approach of educating rabbis about domestic abuse. In .recent years, White says, as more Orthodox Jews have come to accept that not every "yeshiva boy" makes a good husband, and more women have opened up about their abuse experiences, the Orthodox community has learned "how widespread the problem is.

"Hopefully, we'll be able to encourage victims of domestic violence to come forward;" says Brooklyn DA Charles ). H}-nes, who says he grew up in an ·abusive home himself and is concerned about helping both victims and barterers . The program received a federal grant through Project Eden, a communi ty-based initiative to address domestic violence in the Orthodox community. n

Men: Threadbare No More?

The secret is out: Men love shoppmg for clothes. That's the hope of Charles Thomas Enterprises, which is presenting "The Men's Clothing Event," a firs t-ever men's clothing sale on May 31 in (Continued on next page)

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(continued from previous page) Nonhampton, Massachusetts. "The sale will feature quality brand-name men's clothing, some new and some previously owned, all in excellent condition," organizer Charles Thomas said. The event will take place from 3 to 6 p.m. at Normal Hall, Laurel Park, Upper King Street, Nonhampton.

A portion of the profits from the sale will benefit the Men's Resource Center, and all clothing not sold or picked up afterward will be donated to local shelters. The benefit is supported by local clothiers] • Rich Clothing for Men, Dorset, and Taylor Men . .

In addition to some stylish threads, there will beaD], snacks, interesting people, and, it's expected, good _conversations taking place over the bargains. Men and women are welcome.

Dropoff of consignment goods will take place Friday, May 30, from 1 p.m . to 4 p.m .

Normal Hall, Laurel Park, Northampton.

Pickup of unsold merchandise not to be donated will immediately follow the sale (6 to 8 p.m .). For more information, call (4I3) 587-0997.

Two Join MRC Board Recently The MRC Board of Directors welcomed two new members, Charles Bodhi and lisa Freitag-Keshet, both residents of Amherst, Mass. Charles is director of employer relations at the Regional Employment Board of Hampden County in Springfield. He has been involved in education and social services work since I964. Lisa is the jewish chaplain -at Mount Holyoke College in South Hadley, having recently moved here from a Charles Bodhi similar position in lrhaca, N.Y "The MRC Board is an important part of our continuing to make connections with diverse communities," said Steven Botkih, MRC executive director. "We're very pleased to have Charles and Lisa join in this effort .

Charles's long experience with the communities and businesses in Hampden Col]nty will be invaluable as we look to identify ways to Lisa Freitag-Keshet serve people in that area. lisa brings a second connection to the Five College community [board member Matt Ouellett is on the faculties of UMass and Smith College] as well as a link to area clergy and faith communities.

We're honored to have- their enthusiasm and w _.. commitment available to the work of the <( MRC"

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Everywoman's Center Offers Help Online

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The Resource Referral program at Everywoman's Center (EWC) at the University of Massachusetts flagship campus in Amherst,

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johnson of San Francisco.

The benefit, hosted by Gloria Steinem herself, will be held on Thursday, May 15, 2003, at the Wlldorf-Astoria in New York City.

Beer Brawl: It's Not Miller Time

which handles requests for information on eating disorders, volunteer opponunities, relationship violence, H!V and contraceptives, campus events, and more, is now available 24 hours a day. The comprehensive human service database of counseling, health and legal services, support group listings, volunteer opponunities, financial resources, etc., is online at wwwumass.edu/ewc/rr lf you are unable to find what you are looking for online, or prefer the assistance of trained staff members, the EWC is open Monday-Tuesday-Thursday-Friday 9 a.m.- 4 p.m. and Wednesday noon - 4 p.m. All services and resources are av-ailable to anyone in English and Spanish and are confidential.

Contact the EWC at (413) 545-0883 TIY/TDD, Wilder Hall, 221 Stockbridge Road, UMass, or www.umass.edu/ewc/rr.

Degrading women to sell products reached a new low recen tly with Miller Brewing Co.'s "Catfighr" television commercial. The ad, which has drawn fire from feminists and their allies around the country, escalates from a poolside argument about Miller lite "tasting great or being less filling" into an angry, clothes-shredding wrestling match between two women who end up in only bras and panties. ·~ It 's degrading, It's explicit. It has no real message except all men are idiots and all they think about are women and wrestling," says Laura Ries, who specializes in creating company images. The ad is aimed at 21-to-31year-old beer drinkers. Miller lite brand manager Tom Bick sought to make light of the

Ms. Foundation Honors Men Can Stop Rape The Ms. Foundation for Women has chosen the Washington, D.C.-based men's organization Men Can Stop Rape as one of the recipients of the Foundation's 2003 Gloria Awards. Named after Gloria Steinem, the Gloria Awards were created 15 years ago as a way to bring national attention to grassroots leaders supporting women's health and empowerment.

This year, to commemorate the Foundation's 30th Anniversary, the Gloria Awards will pay tribute to pioneers who are

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ad, claiming most viewers see the spot for what it is, "a hysterical insight into guys' mentality. It's really a lightheaned spoof of guys' fantasies." The ad, which ran frequently during the football playoffs, has sparked a spate of protest e-mails, but company spokesman Ron Acosta claimed that the correspondence was evenly split. Wlnt to let Miller Brewing Company know how you feel about this affront to women? Opponents suggest both boycotting their products and letting them know you won't tolerate ads like this in the furure.

You can contact Miller online at www. millertime.com; click on "Talk to Us."

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"ahead of their time." MCSR, in particular, is being honored "for redefining what it means to be a man, showing boys and young men that strength does not equal violence."

Patrick Lemmon and jonathan Stillerman, MCSR's co-founders and co-directors, will receive the award on the organization's behalf, along with William Powell, a 16-year-old member of Real Young Men, an advisory board for male youth that MCSR co-created. (Patrick Lemmon's article "Losing My Voice" appeared. in the Fall 2001 issue of Voice Male.)

Other honorees will include Melanie Herrera Bortz from COLOR in Denver; Maria Antonia Flores and Cynthia Arnold from La Mujer Obrera and El Puente CDC in El Paso, Tex.; and the Young Woman of Vision, Latany.a

43 Central Square (Life Art Center Bldg.)

Keene, N.H. • (603) 357-5780 mmrc@salwen.net

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Book Review

By Russel l Bradbury-Carlin Why Does He Do That:

Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

By Lundy Bancroft G. P. Putnam's Sons, 2002 .

408 pages. Hardcover, 26.95

So .Why Does He Do That?

Every year l give numerous presentations on domestic violence and barterers' intervention as director of the Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE) at the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts. lt is inevitable that l will be asked at some point, some variation on the question "Why does he do that?" It is a difficult question to answer. ln Lundy Bancroft's new book, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and 'Controlling Men , there is now a very good resource that has addressed · this question and that responds to the complex set of factors associated with the answers.

The book's intended audience is heterosexual women in potentially abusive relationships. However, it is written in such a straightforward and jargon-free manner that it could be read by anyone-partner, friend, family member-who has ever asked himself or herself the question asked in the tide.

At the opening of the book, Bancroft argues the problem of abuse lies in the way the abuser thinks. It is not an "anger management" issue, nor the result of his being abused as a child or of abusing drugs and alcohol. And it cenainly is not the fault of the man's partner. lt comes from "a distorted sense of right and wrong." Bancroft sets out to explain this assertion by breaking down the various myths that often shift the focus of blame for the abuse onto everything and everyone but the abuser. The introduction ends with a description of l 0 different types of abusers, which is a nice expansion on the now dated "Pit Bull and Cobra" theory of barterer types that was popular several years ago--the Pit Bull is the completely unsubtle attacker who just lashes out; the Cobra is .ffiore stealthy and manipulative. Bancroft, by contrast, has . come up with some very accurate portrayals of

"The Demand Man," "The Drill Sergeant," 'The Player," and other abusive types.

The book's middle sections describe how an abusive man acts in relationship with his partner. Bancroft focuses particularly on what the beginning of the relationship might look like; what war.ning signs to look out for; why the man may be a caring and loving partner one·day (Dr. jekyll) and Mr. Hyde the next; what sex may look like in an abusive relationship; how addictions impact domestic violence; and what to expect when an abusive relationship breaks up.

There is also a substantial section addressing how an abuser might behave as a parent, how he may use friends and relatives to convince a woman that what she is experiencing is not real, and how the legal system can be blind to her being abused and even exacerbate the damage.

The book's final section offers up an accurate assessment of how a man might come to be abusive. And while any book focusing on this aspect of abuse is going to be limited, Bancroft assens an abuser is made not born, and that the creation of his abuslve personality comes about via culture and example, usually from his family and then reinforced by friends.

The chapters on "The Process of Change" and "Creating an Abuse-Free World" were especially refreshing. ln a field too often underlined by a belief that abusers (and at times, men in general) are incapable of change, (Continued on page 22)

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With the Wind at My Back

Looking at (White, Male, Straight, --......路 Middle-Class) Privijege

By Michael Kimmel

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o run or walk into a strong headwind is to understand the power of nature .

You set your jaw in a squared grimace, your eyes are slits against the wind, and you breathe with a fierce determination . And still you make so little progress. To walk or run with that same wind at your back is to float, to sail effortlessly, expending virtually no energy. You do not feel the wind; it feels you. You do not feel how it pushes you along; you feel only the effortlessness of your movements. You feel like you could go on forever Only when you tum around and fuce that wind do you realize its strength.

Being white, or male, or heterosexual in this culture is like running with the wind at your back It feels like just plain running, and we rarely if ever get a chance to sec how we are sustained, supported, and even propelled by that wind. Looking at privilege is to make the wind visible.

When I present majority students with evidence of systematic discrimination, they often seem indifferent, and sometimes even defensive and resistant. "What does this have to do with me?" they ask The more defensive of them immediately mention several fucts that, they believe, will absolve them of inclusion into the superordinate category "My family never owned slaves," "I have a gay friend," "I never raped anyone" are fairly typical responses.

Vmually all say racism is a problem of individual attitudes and _prejudiced people, not a social problem.

Such statements are as revealing as they are irrelevant They tell us far 路more about the way we tend to individualize and personalize processes that are social and structuraL And they also tell us that members of the majority resist discussions of inequality because it will require that they feel guilty for crimes someone else committed.

Even those students who are willing to engage with these questions also tend to personalize and . individualize them. They may grudgingly grant the systematic nature of inequality, but to them, racism, sexism, and heterosexism are bad attitudes held by bad people. They are eager to help those bad people see the error of their ways and change their attitudes to good attitudes. This usually will come about through better education.

We who are white, heterosexual, male, and/or 路 middle class need to go further; we need to see how we are stakeqolders in the understanding of structural inequality, how the dynamics that create inequality for some also benefit others.

Privilege needs to be made visible.

Researchers in a variety of disciplines are examining that which previously passed as invisible, neutral and universal. We now can see how the experience of "privilege" also shapes the lives of men, white people, and heterosexuals.

To be white, or straight, or male, or middle class is to be simultaneously ubiquitous and invisible.

You're everywhere you look, you're the standard against which everyone else is measured.

You're like water, like air.

People will tell you they went to see a "woman doctor," or they will say they went to see "the doctor." People will tell you they have a "gay colleague" or they'll tell you about a "colleague." A white person will be happy to tell you about a ."black friend ," but when that same person simply mentions a "friend," everyone will assume the person is white.

This invisibility is politicaL This was first made visible to me in the early 1980s, when I participated in a small discussion group on feminism. In one meeting, in a discussion -

between two women, I first confronted this invisibility. A white woman and a black woman were discussing whether all women were, by definition, "sisters," because they all had essentially the same experiences and because-all women faced a common oppression by men.

The white woman asserted that the fuct that they were both women bonded them, in spite of racial differences. The black woman disagreed. .

"When you wake tip in the morning and look in the mirror, what do you see?" she asked.

"I see a woman," replied the white woman.

'That's precisely the problem," responded the black woman. "I see a black woman. To me, race is visible every day, because race is how I am not privileged in our culture. Race is invisible to you, because it's how you are privileged. It's why there will always be differences in our experience. " As I witnessed this exchange, I was startled, and groaned-more audibly, perhaps, than I had intended. As I was the only man in the room, someone asked what my response had meant.

"Well," I said, "when I look in the mirror, I see a human being. I'm universally generalizable. As a middle-class white man, I have no-class, no race, and no gender. I'm the generic person!"

Sometimes, I like to think it was on that day I became a middle-class white man. Sure, I had been all those before, but they had not meant much to me. Since then, I've begun to understand that race, class, and gender didn't refer only to other people, who were marginalized by race, class, or gender privilege.

Those terms also described me. I enjoyed the privilege of invisibility. The very processes that confer privilege on one group and not another are often invisible to those on whom privilege is conferred. What makes us marginal or powerless are the processes we see, partly because others keep . reminding us of them.

Invisibility is a privilege in a double sense_:_ describing both the power relations that are kept in place by the very dynamics of invisibility, and in the sense .of privilege as luxury. It is a luxury that only white people have in our society not to think about race every minute of their lives. It is a luxury that

only men have in our sociery w pretend that gender does not matter.

There are consequences w this invisibiliry: privilege, as well as gender, remains invisible.

And it's hard w gener.ate a politics of inclusion from invisibiliry. The invisibiliry of privilege means that many men, like many white people, become defensive and angry when confronted with the statistical realities or the human consequences of r.acism or sexism. Since our privilege is invisible, we may become defensive.

Hey, we may even feel like victims our.selves.

I was reminded of this when I appeared on a TV talk show opposite three "angry white males," men who felt that they had been the victims of workplace discrimination.

The show's title was "A Black Woman Took My job. " In my comments, l invited these men w consider what the word "my" meant in that tide, that they felt that the jobs were originally "their.s," that they were entitled to them, and that when some "other" per.son-black, female-got the job, that per.son was really raking "their" job. But by what right is that his job? By convention, a hiswrical legacy of discrimination.

We've needed decades of affirmative action to even begin making the playing field slightly closer to level.

Our task is to begin to make visible the privilege that accompanies and conceals that invisibiliry.

One way to understand how privilege works-and how it is kept invisible-is to look at the way we think about inequaliry. We always think about inequaliry from the perspective of the one who is hun by the inequaliry, not the one who is helped. Take, for example, wage inequaliry based on gender We're used to hearing that women make about 71 cents for every dollar made by a man. In that statistic women's wages are calculated as a function of men's wages; men's wages are the standard (the $1) against which women's wages are calculated. In this way, the discrimination against women is visible-doing the same job, they earn less, just because they are women.

But what if we changed the statistics? What if we expressed men's wages as a function of women's wages? What.if we said that for every dollar earned by a woman, men make $1.34?

Then it wouldn't be the discrimination that was visible-it would be the privilege. just for being a male, a male worker received an additional34 cents. This is what sociologist R. W Connell calls the "masculiniry dividend"-the unearned benefits that accrue to men, just for being men.

Making gender, r.ace, class, sexualiry visible-both as the foundations of individual identiry and as the social dynamics of inequaliry-is a difficult thing to do, and there's no question but that it will make us feel uncomfonable. It's unpleasant to acknowledge that all the good things that have happened to ·

you are ~imply the result of your hard work and talent and motivation but the result of something that you had no power over.

Sometimes it will make us feel guilry, other times defensive. Sometimes we just feel powerless. "What can I possibly dq to change this massive system of jnequaliry?"

In a culture such as our.s, all problems are thought to be individual problems, based on bad attirudes, wrong choices, or our own frailties and addictions. When confronted with soucrur.al or social problems, we think either the solutions are aggregated individual solutions--everyone needs to change their attirudesor that the solutions don't exist. A lone individual has no chance to change the system; we feel powerless, impotent. We can become mired in guilt. Some people argue that guilt is a negative emotion, and that we shouldn't have to feel guilry for the things that happened generationseven cenruries--&go.

Occasionally, someone is moved by that guilt to attempt to renounce his or her privilege. Books counsel us to become "race tmitor.s, " or to "refuse" to be a man.

And sometimes such a posture feels moral and selfrighteous. Guilt isn't always a "bad" emotion after all. How would you feel about a German saying he or she really doesn't want to feel guilry about the Holocaust? '1\fter all, I per.sonally never sent a jew to the gas chamber.s." Or a white South African who proclaimed that he or she never actually benefited from apanheid, since they got their job and their wealth by vinue of their hard work and determination?

Guilt may be appropriate, even a necessary feeling-for a while. It does not freeze us in abjection, but can motivate us to tr.ansform the. circumstances that made us feel guilry in the fir.st place, to make connections between our experiences and other.s' and to become and remain accountable to the struggles for equaliry and justice around the world. Guilt can politicize us. (Perhaps that's one reason why we often resist it.)

While noble in intention, however, this posrure of guilry self-negation cannot be our final destination as we come to under.srand how we are privileged by mce, class, gender and sexualiry. Refusing to be men, white, or srraight does neither the privileged nor the unprivileged much good. One can no more renounce privilege than one can stop breathing. It's in the air we breathe.

And it's embedded in the social architecrure · surrounding us. Renouncing privilege ultimately substirutes an individual solution for a strucrur.al and social problem. Inequaliry is smucruml and systematic, as well as individual and attirudinal. Eliminating inequalities involves more than changing everyone's

attirudes. Trying to rid oneself of bad attirudes, renouncing one's unearned privilege also, finally, brings us no funher than the feelings of impotent despair that we often feel in the. fuce of such overwhelming systemic problems. We feel lonely. We feel isolated from our friends, our families, or our colleagues.

The snuggles against inequaliry are, however, collective struggles, enormous social movements that unite people across geogr.aphy, r.ace, religion, class, sexualiry and gender.

Panicipating in these srruggles to end inequaliry brings one into a long history of those who have stood alongside the victims of oppression, those who have added their voices to the voices of those who had been earlier silenced.

Examining our privilege may be uncomfonable at fir.st, but it can also be energizing, motivating, and engaging.

Ultimately, examining those arenas where we are privileged and those where we're not will enable us to under.srand our sociery more fully, and engage us in the long historical process of change.

Michael S. Kimmel is a sociologist and author who has received international recognition for his work on men and masculinity. His books on masculinity include Changing Men: New Directions in Research on Men; Masculiniry; Men Confront Pornogmphy; Against the Tide: Pro-Feminist Men in the United States 1776-1990; Manhood in America: A Culrur.al History; The Politics of Manhood; and The Gendered Sociery. This article was excerpted and adapted from his newest book, Privilege, which he coedited wi!h Abby Ferber; just published by Westview Press.

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9

Beyond Blind Allegiance

Leaders, Followers, and Heroes

By Michael Greenebaum

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orne ideas whose time has gone linger on to cause mischief in our lives. Such a one is "leadership." It not only lingers, it thrives. Schools of management and education vie in their brochures to see who can most confidently claim to prepare the best leaders. Publishers and consultants know a good thing when they see it (or at least they know a good name for whatever the thing may be). Rudy Giuliani's book of bromides (called Leadership, of course) tops the best-seller list, and a search under the keyword "leadership" on Arnazon.com yields 12,588 titles.

Leadership is proclaimed and explained, touted and exhoned. We can read about the traits of a leader, the habits of a leacder, the lessons that leaders have learned , the leadership studies that professors teach.

I should know; I taught Leadership last semester. Even on my syllabus I warned students that it was a "squishy" concept.

Now, though , I think it is worse than that.

The very idea of leadership carries with it a whole bunch of worrisome assumptions.

What we do to leaders is even worse than what they do to us. We build up expectations and become cynical when leaders fall shon of them, which they so often do. The move from hero to scapegoat-is shon and fast for many leaders.

I am not pointing to the egregious and well-publicized misdeeds of business, educational, and religious leaders. I am not talking about wrongdoing or bad leadership.

It is the idea of leadership itself that is the problem.

Leadership is a highly gendered idea. It is difficult to disengage the idea from a set of characteristics that are stereotypically masculine. One popular college text (Peter G. Nonhouse 's 2001 book, Leadership: Theory and Practice) pares down a list of leadership traits to these five: intelligence, self-confidence, determination, integrity, and sociability. This list is remarkable for what it doesn't containcompassion, for example, or sensitivity or intuition. But I think the gendered imphcations of leadership extend far beyond such a list of traits. Leadership drags along the idea of followership. Nobody talks about it, no business or education schools boast of training good followers. And yet leaders cannot be disentangled from followers. We look to men for leadership because in a cmwoluted but imponam way, men look to the leader-follower relationship in ways that

women do not. It is not that men make panicularly good leaders (by and large they do not); it is that the whole notion of leadership seems irnponant to men and meets a need for men that most women do not share. The need to lead and the need to be led are two sides of the same masculine coin.

Some feminist commentators have attempted to separate l~dership from the leader-follower relationship by claiming that leadership is a collaborative or team enterprise. They stress the sharing of leadership among the members of the team, the desire_for consensus in decision-making, the need for team members to suppon and nourish one another.

The literature about team leadership is written almost entirely by women. ln the popular college text I referred to above, th& male author hands the chapter on team leadership over to a woman.

That's nice, but men are usually not good collaborators; we seem to be wired to be either leaders or followers. I see it in myself. My love of teaching has, as one component, a need for leading. Over the years my teaching style has followed a trajectory Rosa Parks toward greater collaboration, but I recognize the tug-of-war (an interesting metaphor) between my desire to collaborate and my need to lead. I suspect many men recognize it.

We look up to our leaders; that sense of venicality infects all of our thinking about relationships in our organizations. Our idealization of leadership seems to suggest that we yearn to be led, to be motivated, to be inspired. And so we have workshops and retreats that teach people to lead, to motivate, and to inspire.

If we want to be inspired by our leaders, the . thinking must go, we should teach our leaders how to inspire. If leadership is mostly influencing people-as studies suggestthen we had better understand how influence works.

And that's the problem. Influence and inspiration have become so entangled in

Martin Luther King, Jr. looking up to leaders-in the venicality of the leader-follower relationship---that we neglect to look sideways or downward, where influence and inspiration are just as likely (more likely, perhaps) to be found. Ipsofar as our leaders inspire and influence us, they are just one among many sources that do so. The panicular expectation that leaders inspire us is a bit like the expectation that comedians amuse us; the expectation itself serves as a damper upon the likelihood that it will happen.

But the leaders we look up to are als'o our scapegoats. Those whom we invest with authority are not permitted to fail. The implicit demand, "Inspire us!" carries with it the risk of failure, indeed the likelihood of failure . Inspiration is a kind of gemlike flame; its brighmess is less compelling as we become more accustomed to it. Inspiring messages become banal pretty quickly.

The risks of leadership have ratcheted up just as the rewards have. Indeed, the problem is not with those who have abused leadership in ways that the news has reponed in fields of business, religion, and politics. Rather, the problem lies with the needs that leaders soon develop, the need to be followed and to be admired. Leaders 路 come to depend upon their followers in ways that are not healthy for either.

For many leaders, 路 the need to be admired interferes with the capacity to love and be loved .

The relationship of admiration and respect is a distancing one; many in positions of authority use it as a surrogate for intimacy. They may also use it to avoid the risks that courage and independence might entail. For many successful leaders (as well as many unsuccessful ones), this leads to a collusive relationship with followers. "I will pretend to lead you, and you will pretend to be led, but we both know that you, the followers, are really leading me. I will do only

what I know you will admire. I will follow your values, your preferences, your tastes."

The symbols of leadership overwhelm the substance of leading.

This all may sound like a scenario from Greek tragedy or Shakespeare, but in fact the notion of leadership is modem and developed in democracies, which have no traditions of aristocracy or monarchy. I had three students from Russia in my class, and they were alternately amused and appalled at the emphasis upon leadership in America.

Socialist ideology replaces it with comradeship.

Perhaps both leadership and comradeship are useful fictions for disguising the power and control implicit in vertical relationships. Two opposing theories of classlessness find ideas to replace wealth and privilege.

Communist societies had another way of making an end run around leadership.

They developed the idea of "hero," someone wonhy of admiration, not subservience. Democratic societies, too, have developed a folklore of heroism. Uke Paul Bunyan and john Henry and j ohn Brown, our heroes are larger than life. They embody the qualities we admire in our culture, even as they are often loners and misfits.

I would like to·take the idea of heroism seriously" as an alternative to leadership .

The Danish philosopher S0ren Kierkegaard asserted, in Fear and Trembling , that the poet can love, admire, and rejoice in the hero, because the hero represents his own better nature. I am no poet, but I resonate to this idea. I am thrilled when I can admire, love, and rejoice in those whose courage and compassion are greater than mine. Having heroes gives my life meaning because they encourage me to be better than I am. I am eager to be inspired and influenced, but not led . The game I want to play is not "Follow the Leader" but "Admire the Hero."

Heroes tend to be people who are neither. leaders nor followers. They hear their own conscience and follow its dictates, whatever the cost. They are often protesters. If, like Martin Ll.lther King,Jr. , they are thrust into the limelight, it is because of the risks, the dangers, the indignities that they refused to bow down to. Not all of my heroes are as eloquent as Dr King. I think immediately of Rosa Parks and then my thoughts tum to countless numbers of African-American women who achieve anonymous dignity by listening to their inner voices, caring for their families under often impossible and bonewearying conditions. They are inner-directed, quiet and determined. Women hold families together, raise children, and every day make countless decisions and choices that are difficult and often self-denying. For decades, TV sitcoms have acknowledged this by ponraying smarr women and inept men .

Perhaps men should stan paying closer

attention and notice who are the real h eroes in our lives.

The cult of leadership has been unfair to men, and also to women who aspire to positions of a"uthority in organizations. It transforms taking responsibility into being accountable, replaces the center with the bottom line, seeks power instead of collaboration, disguises the self with the face (and often, imperceptibly, with the mask) .

Can we do without it7 Can we have leaders without leadership?

This question has acquired a terrible urgency as I write at the end of]anuary 2003, and the threat of war looms large. I have an awful feeling that if, as you read this , we are at war, it will be a confirmation of a cult of leadership that sees America's place in the world based upon power rather than admiration.

And the words of Thucydides, two and a half millennia ago, haunt me: 'The strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must."

Democratic Athens, we all recall, was the great imperialist superpower of the Hellenic world. The Athenians explained to the island of Melos that if they a.llowed it to remain neutral, Athens would lose face among its allies and other subJects. Losing face is apparently a bad thing; power must be used .

The Melians offered neutrality, the Athenians required submission. Melos resisted, and Athens, in the stark words of Thucydides, "put to death all the grown men whom they took, and sold the women and children for slaves, and subsequently sent our five hundred colonists and settled the place themselves. " What happens to bullies7 Ask any schoolchild. Bullies have their own way.

They cultivate a phalanx of sycophants and toadies. They fight, taunt, jeer. They IT)ake the rules. In the shon r.un they seem to have everything their own way. But in the long run7 What happened to Athens7 A disastrous overextended expedition to Sicily left her defeated, exhausted and exposed; she easily succumbed to a Spartan blockade. Forced to free her colonies and clients, Athens became a subject state herself.

Thucydides believed that history repeats itself, and right now the evidence seems to suppon him. The strong do what they can, but if they really and truly believe that their strength comes from strength of character and their character is built upon a profound respect for the rule of law, the weak will not have to suffer as much as they do. Leaders come and go, do their damage and disappear from our collective memory.

It is time for our leaders to become heroes.

Michael Greenebaum, a writer and musician, was an elementary school principal in Amherst, Mass. for 20 years. He was one of the original volunteer facilitators for the Men's Resource Center's GBQ support group.

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"It's a Beautiful Day, and We Have Our Lives"

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'frican Nnericans called it "the blues."

Winston Churchill referred to it as "Black Dog." One man I know described it as "walking through a black cloud, like a dream in which I could not speak." For me depression has always felt like various shades of gray: an opaque filter placed between me and the world, blotting out its vibrant colors.

Whether blue or black or gray, depression can be debilitating. It robs us of energy and enthusia.~m for life. It takes away appetite, sleep, sex drive, decisiveness, and the will fo get up in the morning. It can lead to thoughts of suicide, feelings of wonhle5sness and self-loathing, and a sense of hopelessness: "Things are always going to be bleak. It's never going to get any better."

How do I know? Because I've felt itall of the above and more. I've talked and corresponded with a number of other men who've snuggled with depression, and as a men's suppon-group facilitator I've seen many men who are depressed. Some of them know it; many of them don't. But by now I recognize some of the signs: lack of affect and monotonous speech delivery; slouching in the chair or covering the face with the hands; lack of engagement with what's happening in the group; shan, urkommunicative responses to expressions of concern: "Oh, it's all right, I guess ... " "Not much is going on, really ... " Men who are depressed also may act it out in socially inappropriate and desnuctive ways, as therapist and 路author Terrence Real points out.

They may be drinking, using drugs, being violent, having affuirs, or acting recklessly, dL<;charging their anger or neediness on others.

They may not be seen as "men who are depressed," bur rather as alcoholics, abusers, controllers, womanizers, boys who never grew up. Yet their actions, Real maintains, are essentially defenses agaiilst depression.

(His 1997 book about male depression, I Don't Want to Talk About It, is considered a classic in the field.)

Depressed men's desnuctive behaviors may .cause them to be fired or incarcerated, injured or killed, served with a rest~ning order, ostracized or isolated. If we as men don't seek help ourselves, we may be called on our actions- if we're lucky-by someone who cares enough to push路us to get help, at least with the symptoms. We may be dragged into a therapist's office by our spouse or panner or other family member-someone who loves us but who has had it with our behavior and has given us the ultimatum: "Come to counseling or it's over."

When we're depressed, it has. an effect on those around us. More specifically, according to Michael D. Yapko, clinical psychologist, family therapist, and author of Hand-Me-Down Blues, those of us who are fathers may be passing along our depression to our children, and possibly their children-not so much genetically, but because we are modeling depressed behavior. Depression is the face we show the world, so depression is what our

children see every day when they see "Dad." 'f\11 behavior has message value," writes Yapko, and our children hear us loud and clear. As they grow older they may internalize the depressive mode, learning lessons we didn't intend to teach.

Depression distons the outlook, coloring our thoughts and interactions with pessimism and selfdoubt. We see the cloud behind every silver lining; we immediately jump to put a negative spin on events; we blame ourselves first when things go wrong; and we look at any potential change in our lives with an eye toward the worst possible outcome. What's more, we believe we'll always feel this way, that there's no hope ofbetter times.

Recent srudies have shown that depressed people are more "realistic" tha11 nondepressed people. Pessimists-! reluctantly include myself-take a dim view of life, as a protection against the wounds it can inflict.

We may even pride ourselves on our hardheadedness--yet thL' "realism" doesn't improve our mood, doesn't lead us to contentment.

Optimistic people are happier. Optimists greet the day with hope-like a friend of mine who met me one morning with a sunny smile and "Well, it's a beautiful day, and we have our lives." To which I thought, What kind of poppsych bulLshit is that?

But you know-he's right. Much as it pains a dyed-in-the-black-wool pessimist to admit, my friend's mantra is a huge improvement over the one that's often come up for me first thing in the morning: "I wonder how I'll get through today ... " And one of the things I've starred to learn, slowly and painfully over the last few years, is that we may not always have control over how we feel, but we can empower ourselves to create affirmations-new, more positive thoughts-that shed a happier, mor~ optimistic light on what we're doing. Because if there's a choice-and I have to believe that in my mind, at least, there usually is-isn't it better to stan from a point of "It's a beautiful day, and I have my life" rather than "It's a shitty (or potentially shitty) day, and what good is my wonhless existence"?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not auditioning for Up with People, or setting myself up as a prophet of the "You Create Your Own Reality" school. I'm just suggesting that if we start to shift OJ.Ir thinking into a more positive key, it does begin to color our outlook for the better, and can also have an impact on what happens around us. It can affect our relations with other people, for example, as well as improving our own mental and physical health. This creates a son of chain reaction, whereby some of those "good vibrations" flowing out of us come back

漏 2003 Pet.e~ 0 Zierlein

in the form of the reflected care and concernand love-we get from others.

But just changing our thinking is not enough. We need strategies to overcome depression and keep it away What else can we do to begin to move out of our depression and isolation and into fulfillment, connection, and joy? There are no easy arL~ers , but from my own experience, and from reading about depression and talking with other men about what has worked for them, here are some suggestions: Get help. Take action-today-to begin your healing. Stan with a thought: I will do something to help myself. I deserve to feel better. See a therapist, or a physician you trust, and tell him or her what you've been experiencing. Therapy can help, and medication might make a difference.

Talk with others. Check out a suppon group, such as those offered by the Men's Resource Center, or others you feel comfortable with. You'll meet other men who've dealt with depression, and they can help. Get out.and see friends-real friends you can be honest with; you may be surprised at the offers of suppon you receive, and at how good it feels just to be heard. If friends are in short supply, plan 路 activities you enjoy that will put you in contact with other people: join a hiking or biking group, volunteer with a charity, attend a house of worship or meditation group, or just hang out downtown having coffee and chatting.

Interaction with others helps reduce the isolation factor, so harmful to men.

Move your body. Exercise and physical activity pm dispel depression and keep it at bay.

Fmd an exercise routine or activity you like and make it part of your weekly schedule. Go to the gym, swim, find a pickup basketball game, call a friend to play tennis or racquetball. Get outdoors and walk or bike or ski-Just being outside in the fresh ail; moving your body, can improve your mood immeasurably.

Devei!Jp your spiritual side.

This could mean something organized, such as a particular religion or spirirual path, or it could mean meditation, poetry, journal writing, painting, being in nature, playing music, or any activity that calms the mind and brings a sense of fulfillment and peace.

Are there things you used to enjoy that you don't do anymore? Chances are they're connected to your spiritual self, and doing them again will feel amazingly good.

Work on your relationships. If you're in a committed relationship, you might explore couples counseling or cocounseling-both to check out how the relationship is doing (how your panner feels about it and how you feel) and to learn how your depression is affecting your life with your parm'er. You can also try to find more time together-going out, resurrecting your romance and sex life and doing some of the fun things you used to do. If you have children, spending more time with them-whether playing games, taking them places, being outdoors, or just doing homework, dishes, or gardening together-can

be a real solace and a boost.

Read. If you're a reader, reading is itself a joy and a comfon. I list some books on depression here (see sidebar)-but just as important is to read something th;lt caprures your interest, gets you jazzed. It might be a novel, poetry, or a biography of some inspiting person. It might be medieval history or quantum physics for all I know. Whatever; 路 just choose something engaging and uplifting (and nondepressing!) .

Be honest-and compassionatewith yourself Don't try to do everything at once, or think you're going to be on top of the world tomorrow. And don't punish yourseif when you're notdon't bludgeon yourself for the day you missed the gym, the morning you stayed in bed, the times you let the machine answer the phone. Don't fool yourself that you can or must be perfect, that the work will be easy, or that at some point you 'II absolutely have it licked. But do stan loving and caring for yourself, be compassionate about your weaknesses---while acknowledging them honesdy-and as a bonus you 'II become more understanding, and less judgmental, with other people.

Once you get staned on this healing journey you 'II thlnk of other things to do along the way.

-The important thing is to begin: to stan building structures into your life that will make you happier over time, to create new relationships and mend existing ones so that you have a network of suppon. This is

extremely important for men, as most of us were never taught to be intimate with others, many of us were taught that it wasn't okay to be honest and open or to have emotions (other than anger), and all of us have probably suffered from the damaging effects of our isolation. But we can learn how to be connected, and we can teach ourselves to appreciate and enjoy the life that opens up before us.

Voice Male managing editor Michael Burke is a fadlitator in the Men's Resource Center weekly

support groups, and afreelance writer and editor.

13

Female to Male, Straight to Gay

Finding Acceptance as a Transgendered Man

By Dennis Bushey

M

y name is Dennis. I was once very good at meeting the expectations of others. Until one day I realized all I actually got from it was criticism and a large sense of emptiness. I then began a journey, four years ago, to understand what it means to be true to myself. I starred to put myself back together after 35 years of taking me aparr.

This meant some significant changes. I starred with a divorce and moved from Florida back to western MassachusettS. I moved in with family, back in the room I grew up in. I was literally starting over with no job, vehicle, or place of my own. I have a very independent nature and relying on family was very difficult for me, especially since among the first things I needed to do was deal with childhood issues.

Coming back to MassachusettS to do this had a benefit. There were resources here I

Knowing all too well the stereotypical masculinity most men are indoctrinated with, one of my transgendered (male to female) friends was certain they would reject me and was frightened for me.

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needed to help me begin taking myself seriously. Once I started to do that, it was no small task for my family to do the same. I had come to terms with my gender identity and itS expression. Since I had been born female, my parentS had to cope with losing a daughter and my siblings with no longer having a sister In the beginning the thought of gaining a son or brother was no comforr to them.

I was six months into a new job in the mental health field when I starred the transition from female to male. Management was clueless about how to help, which meant most times they didn't. The clientS we worked with had issues of their own. Trying to explain why their female staff member was now growing a beard seemed at times as challenging as being a high wire performer in the circus.

In addition to this major transition, there was also the small matter of my sexual orientation: I am attracted to men. I went from living a life as a straight woman to being a gay

man. This shift was quite confusing for a lot of people. The idea that identity is separate from orientation was difficult for them to grasp. I had supporr for issues related to being transgendered. Now I was at a point where I needed supporr for integration into a 路 community of men, especially gay men.

I had alw.ays been in intimate relationships with men, but.as a (very uncomfonable) female.

It was well accepted to show affection to my mate in public. I could talk about my relationships openly. Now all that is different.

How would lleam to navigate in a new world? .

With new prejudices?

Three years ago I decided to finally check out the Gay/BisexuaVTransgendered and Questioning men's supporr group at the Men's Resource Center It did list T for transgendered, but was that only for male to female? Do they know about female-to-males? Many people don't. What about those who identify as gay?

Would they take me seriously, as a gay man, or would it be like others I have met who thought, "Why change your sex if you're attracted to males?" Would I be looked at with disdain or would they laugh my butt right out of there?

Knowing all too well the stereotypical masculinity most men are indoctrinated with, one of my transgendered (male to female) friends was cenain they would reject me and was frightened for me. But what if this group didn't reject me? How would that fee\? The only way to find out was to go.

I was nervous. I physically shivered the entire half-hour ride to the meeting. I thought to myself that I would just sit and listen. Maybe they won't be able to tell what I am. During the meeting, I was rather quiet. But the evening went smoothly. It wasn't so bad. I left thinking that if I just don't mention anything related to being "trans" I'll fit in.

The next week I returned. As men were talking, I found myself having to refrdin from expressing my thoughtS. In order for anything I had to say to make sense, I would need to disclose who I was. I realized that being "trans" was related to every aspect of my life.

Maybe this wasn't the place for me. How could I ever fit in?

As the meeting progressed I was struck by the way the men were talking. They were being honest about their feelings. The most amazing thing was that they were aware they had feelings! Let alone being able to articulate them as well as they did. This was new for me to experience among men. That night a discussion evolved that brought up uncomfonable feelings for some group members. Even so, they conveyed their thoughtS respectfully. They took ownership of their feelings and didn't place blame. I was inspired by their level of communication and by their honesty. I began to think that this was the kind of male mentoring I was looking for

An opportunity presented itSelf for me to speak I took the risk and disclosed who I was.

The response was compassionate. They wondered if they could ask questions. I was the first female-to-male in this group, and they wanted to know how to relate in a respectful way. They even thanked me for sharing. Whew!

I had found a place to integrate. For the first . time in my life, I felt at home among others. I now had many role models to help mentor me in a positive un-stereotypical masculinity. I began to believe I could survive sanely in a new world.

Since then each week I have a place to go to process the day-to-day stuff and the really big stuff. Now that my physical transition is over, things are less "trans" related and I feel more like an average joe. I love to meet new people.

Since it's a drop-in group, there are often new people at the meeting. This can also be a. frustration for me. Sometimes I choose not to say much, if there are new people and it involves my past. Those are times when I just don't feel strong enough to deal with explaining it or changing their image of me. Although it does not keep me away; it can make me acutely aware of my differences and cause a real struggle inside me. Nevenheless, of all the groups I belong to, this one is a main supporr for me.

It's a place where I can bring anything.

The Men's Resource Center's mission of breaking down male stereotypes has created a safe space for me and provided an emotionally healthy atmosphere to grow in. I have gained more courage to integrate into the larger scale of life. I have had the chance to develop many profound friendships through the group. I truly believe it has helped save my life.

The. organization's dedication to overcoming 路violence has helped me become more conscious of how I speak The more I am able to extinguish judgmental and angry language, the more peace of mind I find. I like that and I'm glad I have a place that encourages my personal growth on so many different levels.

The GBTQ group has seen me through my second adolescence and has been a large pan of helping me grow into an active, confident, compassionate young man.

Who wbuld've guessed that one little meeting could help accomplish so much?

Dennis Bushey is a residential/outreach worker for people who deal with mental illness and trauma.

He is also a member of the Trans Activist Network.

He can be reached at glitterJ@the-spa.com.

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A Teen Father's Adult Life

By Mark Jimerson ake a walk down High Street in Holyoke, Massachusetts, on a spring afternoon, and you probably won't have to walk far before you see a young girl pushing a baby stroller. She may look too young to be a mother, but don't be too sure. Holyoke, like many other small cities in Massachusetts, is home to a surprisingly large number of mothers who are very young and very visible, girls who get pregnant and don't hide themselves away, and don't often have abortions. Getting pregnant while in high school, or even in middle school, can actually elevate a girl's status within certain peer groups in this small city.

But what about the fathers of these kids: where are they? Turn a corner off High Street and push open the door to a local barbershop, and you'll find one of them . ] . R. Maldonado is 16 years old and the 路father of two. Ask him, and he'll show you pictures of his kids. Erised is two years old and Zaphiel is seven months.

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Bradley without her.

Their relationship has often been turbulent, but somehow they have always gotten back together. They starred seeing each other three years ago. The first time they had sex was at a pany. He was 13, but everyone said he looked older. She was 15. They were drinking, like everyone else. Binh control was never discussed; not that night, or the other times after that. Then two months later, when she went to the school nurse with headaches and dizziness, they gave her a pregnancy test. And it came back positive.

The news made him happy at first, but scared too." He told his mother the day he found out and she took it fairly well. At 41 , she already had eight grandchildren, so this was a disappointment, but not a shock.

Desiree's mother didn't take it so well. She

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waiting for his next customer, his next commission. His girlfriend Desiree just flew down to Pueno Rico last week with their kids and as soon as he has the money for his own ticket, he'll pack his things and move down there with them. This will be the third time in three years that they've moved to . Pueno Rico, planning each time to stay for good. They have a little house of their own down in Guyama. It's all fixed up now, not like last year, when they had to live with her family while JR. worked on the house. Things got crazy last time, after they found out her birth control hadn't worked and she was pregnant again. And then her brother flipped out one day and came after Desiree路 with a stick, and JR., in defending her, got her scorn instead of thanks. It was a family matter, she said, it was none of his business. So JR. found himself on the outside, and the next thing he knew he was on a plane back to

football team. But with the baby on his mind, he ended up quitting school in November and doing odd jobs with his stepfuther. His girlfriend moved in with him at his mother's apanment, and they managed to get a double bed and a crib into his bedroom. When his daughter was born, he was there to cut the umbilical cord. "The first thing I thought was, 'Look what I created.路 Look what came out, that I'm going to love so much. That'll always be with me.' I had so many emotions inside, that I broke out crying."

Two months later, instead of returning to school, he and Desiree moved to Pueno Rico and stayed with her family, thinking they would have a better chance of making it there.

"I was real happy then," he said. "I was incredibly happy." But work was hard to come by and they moved back to Holyoke six months later. The following year they tried it again, and that's when they found out she was pregnant again and there was the thing with her brother and the stick. Back in Holyoke without his daughter or his pregnant girlfriend, JR. becarhe depressed. "I was like blank for a month or two. Or three." He barely had any money, bringing in maybe a hundred dollars every two weeks cutting hair at home, in his mother's ap~nment . He didn't want to do anything, had no ambition at all, and felt like a failure .

Then Desiree came back from Pueno Rico with their daughter in May, and Zephiel was born a few weeks later. "I went to the hospital when he was born, and everything was good. I was working and I was happy because I was working. I had my job, I had my kids over here, and my girl. I had everything over here.

And everything was going good."

Until they starred arguing again. She wanted to go out to the teen dances at the church by McDonald's and he didn't want to go out. She wanted to be with her friends and go to parties, and he wanted her there 'with the kids when he got home from his new job at the barbershop. When fall came, he enrolled in school, but it was hard being a freshman again after two years away, and anyway, he

"look what 路I created ...that I'm ~oing to love so much. I had so many emotions .inside that I broke out crying/ j

JR. isn't waiting for a haircut. He's

].R. and a friend looking at pictures of his kids.

remembered getting pregnant at 16 and dropping out of school, and she didn't want that fate for her daughter.

Days and then weeks went by, and JR. starred to panic.

He never thought of leaving Desiree or saying the baby wasn't his, like some guys might. But still. "I had my head spinning, " he says. "I didn't know what I was going to do, I was so worried about so many things.

Especially about money and supporting the baby. " He had turned 14, but he still wasn't old enough to Erised and Zephiel. get a real job.

He made a little money cutting hair at home, but not nearly enough. He went through a stage where he was so scared he just kind of "freaked out" and would stan yelling if anyone asked him about the baby that was coming.

JR. entered high school that fall, and as a freshman was a starting running back on the

needed to make money for his kids. His boss at the barbershop was cool-he let].R. leave when his kids had appointments, he even bought him diapers in bulk and took it out of his pay. So he quit school again, and did his best to support his family.

When Desiree left him the next time, he got so low he couldn't sleep and couldn't eat, and he got real skinny. His mother would hear him late at night in his room, crying. It got so bad they had to call the police one day to keep him from jumping off the balcony of their

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'"AlMAND LA COMMUNITY CHOI\tt ]. R. at work at the barber shop.

apanrnent building. Counseling didn't help, but when Desiree got worried and carne back to him, things got better.

Always up and down, their relationship.

Always srress in his life. Being a young father isn't easy, not if you're rrying to do right by your kids. At least now his friends have kids too, and he knows they'll be there for him.

"My best friend, he's always after my kids.

He's like, 'I'm gonna get your daughter that jersey right there.' He loves my kids. I don't know, he's just always there. He's always mad cool with me. He helps me out. Most of my boys are. They come by and they're like, 'Oh, you gotta give me a picture of your kids."'

Still, it's no fun when you're 16 and you have to buy diapers and formula instead of new clothes for yourself. When you have to work instead of hanging out. When his daughter was born,]. R. admits he relied too much on his mother and others, and didn't do as much as he could have. But he's older now, and wants to do it right. He has plans to join Desiree and the kids in Puerto Rico and open his own barbershop as soon as he can, to be responsible and independent, and really make it this time. He and Desiree still argue, but they're doing better about talking things out-"like we're supposed to.'' For his children, he wants what so many parents want: a better life . His advice for them is already prepared: "Go to school. Don't have kids. Wait until you're 30."

His mother doesn't want him to go down there again. She says the kids need a stable horne. But now the house is finished and it's time to go back and cut the lawn and get some furniture and get settled in.

Mark Jimerson, UCSW, is director of The Kids Net Program at the Holyoke office of Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (MSPCC) and former director of their Healthy Families Program. He has led groups for youngfathers for several years.

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• The program will begin promptly at 5:00pm and conclude at 6pm.

• You are invited to arrive one half hour early at 4:30 pm for light refreshments.

• RSVP (if possible) to 413-253-9887 ext. 15 or for more information.

17

Gay Men and Sex:

Affirmations of Pleasure

By Carl Erikson

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orne heterosexuals are made hugely embarrassed and uncomfortable by even the thought of the gay man's comfort with sex. By his freedom with it. By his open enjoym,en~ of it. By his apparently unlimited display o1 it and his delight in that display.

(I'm not suggesting there aren't some heteros who feel similarly, but I want to explore gay men's experience.)

What do gay men get out of all this sex?

Why are they so oven about it in their actions and conversation? Why sex, anyway, when there are lots more productive things to concentrate on? What do they find so normal in it? Well, let's talk about gay sex ... without moral judgment, and without prurient interest.

Sex is one of the great "normals" in life.

So normal that everyone is a product of it, and everyone experiences its forces and pleasures. The gay man makes it normal in his life. He's unafraid of it, respectful of it, and curious about its forms and feelings.

Gay sex is more than techniques and positions. It's about personal choice, about personal expression. It's about being honest regarding the pleasures a man's soul wants to experience. It's pan of the gay man's big exploration of life, or at least of his deep desire ·to do that exploration. It's about making choices free of the great "They" in the world.

The choice is also about pleasure and the "okayness" of pleasure. Pleasure because it feels good and satisfies deeply. Also, pleasure because it validates a gay man in a very personal way, in the face of so much around him that wants to invalidate him and drive him out of view, to make him invisible. Sex is often a very personal statement-"Here I am, undeniable"-by the gay man.

Most gay sex, in my experience, is consensual and respectful from beginning to end. Mutual pleasure and enjoyment is the stated and practiced goal. In many sexual encounters the more experienced parmer .gently shares his knowledge of life's possibilities with his less experienced parmer Individual desires and dislikes are thoughtfully tended to and respected, even to the point of ending the sexual encounter Safe and responsible sexual behavior is insisted on now

by most gay men, and there is remarkably honest talk about health conditions among most gay panners. Men's high level of seX\lal need is freely acknowledged and satisfied where, when, and how the partners themselves choose.

Sex adds essential energy to the life of the gay man. The energy created by intimate connection. The energy created by mutual exchanges of attention and approval.

The overwhelming physical energy of the '1\h" that feels like life itself.

Of course it's not all paradise. A gay man's sex life is also about the risk of HIVAIDS. He may encounter the Stud, who counts tricks but rarely pays attention to pleasure or selfexpression. Sometimes, just as in other kinds of intimate relations, the gay man is on the receiving end of sexual violence and · manipulation. And lots of times, he spends the night alone. These experiences, however, need not tum him against sex or persuade him to condemn sex.

Sex remains an essential part of his life.

The enjoyment and personalization of sex that a gay man expresses and celebrates are not exclusively his, of course. Anyone-gay or straight-can express and celebrate these

qualities too, and leave the repressive box that the great "They" build around expressing and feeling our true selves. The open gay man says "No" to this negation of choice, expression, self-validation, and energy-all those things that make him comfortable and real.

Are these every gay man's Sexual Tenets?

The temptation is to say, "No. " After all, "every" is one of those words that virtually demands exceptions. Maybe they're just one gay man's over-certain conclusions. That's possible, too, of course. Many gay men would not articulate their sexual experience in these terms. To be perfectly honest, we also have to admit that some gay sex is simply irresponsible immorality.

Whatever validity these limitations have on these observations, they don't tum sex into something shameful, shallow, or immoral for gay men. Sex gives them too much that's important to condemn it and tum away from all its blessings and pleasures.

Carl Erikson is an artist and writer, and the Men's Resource Center's director of operations.

• ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Exploring the Myths and Stories ·We Live as Gay Men with Jean-Claude van ltallie and Dan Merchant Saturday &Sunday, April5 &6, 2003, 11:00-6:00 Musical Theater Works • 440 Lafayette Street, New York City • Fee: $162 Experience two master teachers, one a playwright and one a psychotherapist, both Buddhists, offering an exciting workshop for gay men. Using movement, meditation, story and dream telling we'll start unveiling the emotional maps that rule our lives. Playfully we'll explore the myths, stories and dramas with which we have identified.

For information and to register: (413) 339·4332, www.shantigar.org (See Calendar Listing page 26)

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PJr more info or to submit new entries for Men's Resource Center GBQ Resources

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19

A Hierarchy of Oppression?

AIDS, Blacks, and Discrimination

By Vernon McClean

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n his State of the Union address, George W. Bush announced that he is going to

seek $16 billion for AIDS financing.

Although the vast majority of people living with HN anlf AIBS are in Africa and the Caribbean~only 10 percent of these funds will be given to these hard-hit countries globally.

In fact, during his first year in office, President Bush cut the amount of funds for AIDS rreatment and research. He seems to believe that there is a hierarchy of AIDS treatment.

Lauding the president, the (white) gay press, for example The New llirk Blade, suggested that "finally Mr. Bush has tied AIDS to<domestic terrorism." However, like the war on terrorism, the U.S. war against AIDS is racist, sexist, and homophobic.

Let us journey to the Caribbean, which (next to Africa) has the highest percentage of people infected with AIDS in the world. Let me inrroduce you to Paul Davis (a pseudonym on this homophobic island) . Paul is a husband and father of six, and he has AIDS. Close to death at one point, Paul had his neighbor telephone me to return home to hold him for the last time. In his hands, Paul now holds a prescription for an AIDS medication that once saved his life.

Unfonunately, Paul cannot afford the treatment he needs. In many pans of the Caribbean, the average annual income is far below what is needed to pay for expensive AIDS rreatments. Sadly, the same is true here in the United State~specially for people of color. The Centers for Disease Conrrol estimate that the average annual cost of protease inhibitors is $15,000, whereas H!V-infected black men have an average annual income of $ll,OOO. "I call it the therapeutic haves and the therapeutic have-nots," says Dr. Anhur Ammann, president of the American Foundation for AIDS. So Paul adds his name to an already lengthy waiting list. Meanwhile, his lover (like many in the black American community, he occasionally has sex with men) is not receiving treatment because the protease-inhibitor regimen is too complex. Therefore, in consultation with his lover's therapist, the doctor is withholding the life-giving drugs because he fears that the lover will miss the correct dosage (which can amount to 30 pills a day, some with food, some without). The result is that the virus becomes resistant. . The Clinton adminisrration was supposed to create a pilot program to expand Medicaid so that additional people could get the lifegiving drugs they needed. It's a paradox: M~dicaid covers the protease inhibitors, but you have to be disabled to receive it. "It's a crazy system .. . You've got to get yourself really sick so you can qualify to be totally disabled, so you can get the medicine that might have been able to save you [before you became disabled]," says Dr. Patricia Hawkins of the Whitman-Walker Clinic in Washington, D.C., which treats and counsels people with AIDS.

AIDS has become the most deadly killer of black people since slavery. Although we are only 10 percent of the U.S. population, more than 50 percent of those infected with AIDS are black. AIDS kills more black men between the ages of 25 and 44 than any other cause. Black men are six times more likely than whites to be infected with HN, and twice as likely as Latinos. Half of all new cases of HN occur among people between 13 and 24-with the proportion even higher in a city like New York. ' Nearly two-thirds of new infections occur among black youth, and one-fifth among Hispanic youth. Although the devastation is wide, it is not equal. If it were, blacks, women, and gays would be given equal rreatment by therapists and others. Unforrunately this is not the case.

An additional problem is that the Bush administration and others don't acknowledge the discriminatory rreatment. Many AIDS victims are perceived to be "undesirable"blacks, gays, N drug users. Consequently other communities (white, middle-class) drive the policy debates and receive larger proportions of funding for AIDS-related services.

And it's not just about black men. Recent studies by the National Centers for Disease Control confirm an alarming trend toward the "feminization" of AIDS. According to Kofi Annan, secretary-general of the United Nations, black women now make up the majority of people with AIDS. In the United States, the death rate for black women with AIDS is six times greater than that for white women, and 46 percent greater than for Latino women. For black women, this death rate is higher than that for breast cancer, higher than that for hypertension. Higher than that for hean disease, gunshots, and car wrecks combined.

Diane Weathers, editor in chief of Essence¡ magazine, believes that one reason black women are disproportionately affected by AIDS is self-esteem. Many black men do not like to use condoms; and black women, to please their men, must comply. Marrying for the first time at age 50, Weathers writes, "There's a real hunger for male relationships, and we put ourselves on the victims' end.

Tm not going to have a man if I don't do this.' We want [black] men in our lives so badly we give them all the power."

A recent UN repon indicates that "in some countries young women are twice as likely to conrract the disease, compared to young men."

Moreover, "Some studies have shown that up to 80 percent of young women [in Africa and the Caribbean] between the ages of l5 and 24 do not know enough to protect themselves against the disease." Often they are infected by a black male relative. According to a 1999 article in The African Sun Times, 14-year-old Cynthia Moyo was infected by her uncle. The same source indicated that "70 percent of the victims-who were all female-were under the age of 13 ." â&#x20AC;˘ There is a lack of solidarity--even simple human empathy-in the black community on this issue. Recently I overheard several of my . black American colleagues saying that they wished President Bush would use whatever funds are available to fight poveny at home in the U.S., rather than sending money to Africa and my native Caribbean to fight AIDS. Despite what jerry Falwell said after September 11th, there are no "deserving" victims of AIDS. We need to realize that there should be no "hierarchy of oppression" in which oppressed groups--white gay men vs. straight black men, black women vs. N drug users--debate each other over which group is the "most oppressed." If we are to overcome racism, sexism, and homophobia, we need to join hands with each other-regardless of race, class, or gender.

As activists, we ourselves need to get more education about HN and AIDS. Second, we need to acknowledge the discriminatory . rreatment that exists in our communities against these "undesirables." Third, we need to join Kofi Annan in lobbying the Bush adroinisrration to make a real financial contribution toward the prevention and rreaunent of HN and AIDS. Finally, we need to come.together as a community of scholaractivistS. We need to realize and remind ourselves that we are one globally (black/white, gay/srraight, male/femal~); that we share a common cause in fighting against all oppression. There should be no hierarchy of AIDS rreaunent.

Vernon McClean is chair of the Department of African-American and Caribbean Studies at the William Paterson University in Weyne, N.j. He writes frequently for Voice Male.

Insights for the Nonsurvivor

"What in the World Is Going On?" ByLes Wright, Ph.D. hen I got clean and sober twentysome years ago, it felt strange to me that being gay seemed the most normal thing about me. Around the l Oth anniversary of my sobriety I was plunged into a bottomless pit of grief and despair As the crying jags and adrenaline-driven manic attacks worsened, I began to reconnect emotionally to a childhood of protracted abuse. The fundamental cause of my chemical dependency and chaotic life were suddenly unveiled to me, and I began a deeper, spiritual healing as I grasped the depths of the childhood trauma and how to become a true survivor, to move past being permanently stuck in my "trauma time. " Children can be traumatized through abuse, neglect, or assault. The trauma may be induced through physical, emotional, ormost devastating of all-incest and sexual abuse. Adult survivors are themselves often not aware of the effects that have carried oyer into adulthood. Men, especially, socialized to be emotionally inaniculate, hard, and invulnerable, often have the hardest time recognizing, let alone admitting to another person, what was done to them as a child.

For the nonsurvivor- parmer or spouse, friend, or relative- behaviors, reactions, and the self-image of an abuse survivor with whom

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you're emotionally involved are likely to be as bewildering to you as to the survivor Recognizing and understanding the traumareactive dynamic will help you cope with, care for, and possibly help guid~ · and suppon your survivor-parmer-there is far more going on than meets the eye. At the very least, it will be helpful to you not to take the survivor's "odd behaviors" personally or to fuel the trauma itsel£ The sense of separation, of being ' excluded from the rest of humanity, is felt very powerfully by abuse survivors. We feel profound guilt and shame, we struggle to accept, or even tolerate, ourselves, and we disbelieve that we are "wonhy" of love or ·even of being treated with decency by others. We may not have the slightest clue how to . recognize love, let alone reciprocate it, even as we are spiritually starving for it.

Psychotherapist Mike Lew, M.Ed., who has done groundbreaking work with men , recovering from childhood sexual abuse, was the first to identify survivor symptoms in men: social and emotional withdrawal, mood swings, crying jags, irrational anger, blaming behavior, unreasonable demands, extreme sexual behavior (either inappropriate highly sexualized behavior or complete sexual shutdown) , resentments, confusion and preoccupation ("spacing out"), exaggerated fear and anxiety, emotional regression, physical abuse (victim-turned-victimizer phenomenon) , inconsistency of response, and-perhaps the most intractable and frustrating dynamicmistrust of self-perceptions and of other people.

People at social proximity will notice traits like spacing out, flare-ups of anger, all-ornothingjudgments, words expressing harsh judgment of others or especially of self, and hyp'er-vigilant behaviors. These may include the survivor reflexively pulling away from a touch, being easily startled or "jumping out of their skin" when mildly surprised or if approached behind. The nonsurvivor should not tease or attempt to startle the survivor, should ask permission before touching or hugging (and respect a request denied) . Hugging someone from behind or clapping your hands over a survivor's eyes ("Guess who?") can trigger a startle response, panic, or an outburst of rage.

A nonsurvivor involved at closer proximity, especially romantically, with a survivor is likely to become aware of an acute negative selfimage (which may be expressed in self-abuse, such as excessive drinking, use of drugs , overeating, "cutting" or self-mutilation), an inexplicably low level of self-esteem,. and a tendency toward feeling shamed, humiliated, angry, rageful, or impotent. The nonsurvivor parmer may also notice chronic insomnia, coupled with nightmares, flashbacks, or an endless sense of being all alone in the world. A survivor is likely to fear or be incapable of emotional or sexual intimacy, and no amount

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of reassurance may convince him to trust.

Much of what an involved nonsurvivor can do to be supportive of a survivor is to listen, to be emotionally available, to believe what the survivor recalls, respect and be patient. The survivor is neither 'a child nor lying. And codependent behaviors will not help anyone.

Indeed, the nonsurvivor needs to take care of herself or himsel£ You are likely to grow impatient with the survivor's irrational behavior or emotional limitations, you may feel guilty by proxy, or you may even feel fear, eitlrer by a quickening of your own sense of vulnerability, the emotional fragility of your survivor parmer, or, in extreme cases of rageful outbursts, at the possibility of the survivor lashing out violently.

Each survivor has his own story and his own level of trauma and hun. I have painted a more extreme picture here, to exaggerate symptoms that are likely to be much more subtle and take time to be perceived as such.

You as a nonsurvivor may want to seek ou t emotional suppon for yourse!L from friends or a professional. Do not take these reactions and behaviors personally and recognize that you cannot "fix things" or, sometimes, help the survivor feel better in any way. Do not blame the survivor for his having been victimized and do not blame yourself- it is the perpetrator who is responsible.

Once a survivor stans down the road to healing, he will still be prone at times to react to historical emotions (and memories), and not to what is actually happening in the present moment. Just having survived means a survivor has overcome far worse damage than many people experience in a lifetime. If you are of a spiritual bent, you will likely come to recognize the power of the wounded healer in your survivor Honor him (or her) for all he has overcome. And honor yourself for bearing wimess to and being a special soul who can walk with a survivor An associate professor of humanities at Mount Ida CoUege in Newton Center; Mass. , and adjunct professor of health sdence at Worcester State College, Les Wright is director of the Nashoba Research Institute for the Study of Non-Hegemonic Masculinities in Fitchburg, Mass., and a support group fadlitator at the Men's Resource Center.

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(Book Review, continued from page 7 it is heartening to hear someone write about the possibility of change and what' people can do to foster change in our communities. While Bancroft offers a clear disclaimer that tiue change from abuse to non-abuse is not usually the case, and that change comes after a long, difficult amount of work, he leaves the reader with the sense that change is possible, as well as describing what the ingredients of such change might look like.

In a field still in its infancy, it was gratifying to find much in the book that matched my own experiences and ideas as director of a batterers' intervention program. The only place where l differ with Bancroft is in his firm ideas about how an abuser is created and how intervention should work. l agree that "it is a distorted sense of right and wron~that is at the core of any abuser's thinking. l also believe, however, that such factors as being abused as a child himself, having low selfes teem, and lacking communication skills are contributing factors in some abusers. These aren't the most important issues to be

addressed in a batterers' intervention program, but they can be crucial ones to look at if an abuser is truly going to make long-term change. l have seen this repeatedly among men who have participated over time in barterer intervention follow-up groups.

In fact, the longer l do this work, the more l become convinced that the factors that make a man abusive, and the appropriate intervention and treatment foci, are numerous.

While the fundamental aspects of a good batterers' intervention program need to include education about abuse and confrontation of abusive behavior, l am not convinced that a one-size-fits-all model is the most effective or appropriate. Current research is beginning to point in a different direction.

In the meantime, while intervention programs move from infancy to adolescence, l will definitely suggest that everyone read Why Does He Do That? when l am asked that very question.

Russdl Bradbury-Carlin is a poet and writer who directs the Men's Resource Center's Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE). He lives in Northampton, Mass.

IS THIS YOU?

• • •

ADVERTISE IN

•••

OR IS THIS SOMEONE . YOU KNOW?

lf you or someone you know can answer "Yes" to any of these questions you or they may have a problem with abuse . Without help, it could get worse. At Men Overcoming Violence, men can learn to change. Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff. We can help ...before it's too late.

MOVE MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE Amherst/Ware: (413) 253-9588 • Springfield: (413) 734-3438 Greenfield: (413) 773-8181 • Athol/Orange: (978) 575-9994

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Distribution • Advertising • Website

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Each season 10,000 copies are mailed to subscribers and distributed in , Western Mass., Southern Vermont and Southern New Hampshire.

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To find out how to place an ad in VOICE MALE, call (413) 253-9887, Ext. 20 mens resourcecenter.org

SliPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS

MRC

• Open Men's Group Sundays 7 - 9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office; Tuesdays 6:45- 8:45p. m. at the Council on Aging, 240 Main St., Northampton.

Wednesdays 7-9 p.m. in Greenfield at Nerwork Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail Oower Main Street) . A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other.

• Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse and Neglect

PROGRAMS

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-certified barterer intervention program serves both voluntary and courtmandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive.

Fee subsidies available.

Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect.

Fridays 7 - 8 :30 p.m. at the MRC.

• Basic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Athol, 'Mire, Springfield, and Greenfield.

• Gay, Bisexual, & Questioning Mondays 7 - 9 p.m. at the MRC. Discussion

• Follow-up: Groups for men who have

group on issues of sexual orientation.

• GBQ Schmoozefest Events:

completed the basic program and want to continue working on these issues are available in Northampton, Greenfield and Amherst.

&

SERVICES

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING

• Men & Divorce: This NEW workshop series can help you get your bearings and find your way through the divorce process to reach a successful conclusion in this transition.

Six Thursday evenings May 15 - june 19, 7- 9 pm . $90. At MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst. For information, call Carl (413) 253-9887, Ext. 13.

• Workshops available to colleges , schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response, " "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia, " among other topics.

Seasonal events with catered food, an and music, opportUnities for interacting with GBQ men and other men who love men from Springfield to Bratdeboro and beyond.

Aprill 3,june 1, 3- 5 :30 p.m. at the Garden House, Look Park, Northampton, Mass.

• Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program.

Spedfic trainings and consultations also available.

• Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is

FATHERING PROGRAMS

held at ·the Hampshire County jail and House of Corrections.

magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity.

• A variety of reso urces are available Fathers and Family Nerwork monthly workshops, lawyer referrals , parenting guidance, workshops, educational presenta tions and conferences. Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separarecl!divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/ father figures .

YOUTH PROGRAMS

• Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in barterer intervention are available.

• Speakers ' Bureau: Formerly abusiye men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

PUBLICATIONS

• Voice Male: Published quarterly, the MRC

• Children, Lesbians, arid Men : Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors , a 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there. "

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES • Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, and support programs for men.

• Young Men of Color Leadership Project, Amherst • Young Men's Leadership DevelopmentN iolence Prevention , Holyoke & Northampton.

I I I I I I I I I

Subscribe to Voice Male and keep informed about the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts and news of changing men.

With your subscription comes news of the MRC, which includes mailings of MRC events and, of course, Voice Male.

YES! I want

to subscribe to Voice

Male and support the MRC.

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RESOURCES

Men's Resources

(Resources for Gay, Bisexual and Questioning Men, see pa~e 19)

The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate suppon groups, patient suppon groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literarure, low-cost housing, and transponation.

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444; free, confidential HN/AIDS services, including suppon, prevention counseling and volunteer opponunities.

Children's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals, families and children, with a play therapy room for working with children. Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress.

Education and suppon services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc.

Suppon group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month.

Ann Henry- (413) 584-6599.

Fathers Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns: Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar association lawyer referral agency.

In Massachusetts the number is 1-800-3926164. Here are some websites that may be · of use to you:

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National Fatherhood Initiative: www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathemet

The Fatherhood Project: www.fatherhoodproject.org

vvww.acfc.org * www.fathering.org www.dadscan.org www.divorcedfathercom www.fatherhoodproject.org www.dadsrights.org ** (not www.dadsrights.com) www.fathers .com www.fatherhood.org www.fathersnetwork.org www.divorcehq.com * www.divorcewizards.com *' www.geocities .com/Heanland/Meadows/ 1259/ ' . links.htrn * www.menstuff.orglframeindex.htrnl (Fathers ruff) *good resource **strongly recommended

Magazines Achilles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achilles/issues.htrnl

XY: men, sex politics (from Australia):

Internet Resources

http://coombs.anu.edu.au/ -gorkin/XY /xyintro.htm

Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts:

Www.cs.utk.edu!-bartley/other/realMen.hrrnl

www.mensresourcecenter.org

The Men's Bibliography: A comprehensive online bibliography of writing on men, masculinities and sexualities. http://www.anu.edu.au/-a112465/ mensbiblio/mensbibliomenu.hrrnl

XY magazine:

Pro-feminist men's FAQ:

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues

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Pro-feminist mailing list http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin /profem.hrrnl

Interfaith Community Cot Shelter

(800) 749-6879 Referrals available 1 for 12-step groups throughout New England.

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The Fathers Resource Center: www.slowlane.com/frc

HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 750-2016

Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)

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Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro.hrrn

http://www.anu.edu.au/ -al12465/XY/xyf.hrrn

582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals 123 Hawley St. , Nonhampton.

Doors open at 6.PM.

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At Home Dad: www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad

http://www.anu.edu.au/ -a112465/pffaq.htrnl

Pro-feminist men's mail list: http://www.anu.edu.au/ -a112465/profem.hrrnl

Violence statistics: http://www.anu.edu.au/ -a112 465/vstats.htrnl

Homophobia and masculinities among young men (Lessons In becoming a straight man): http://online.anu.edu.au/ -a112465/homophobia.htrnl

National Men's Resource Center www.mensruff.org National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships.

The Men's Issues Page:

Ending Men's Violence Real Men: The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www.mrpp.org/intro.hrrnl

Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www.geocities.com/Capita!Hill/1139 /quitpom.hrrnl

Volunteers Needed AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County , (413) 586-8288 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HN or AIDS. Men are especially needed.

Big Brothers/Big Siste(S of Hampshire County We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampshire County area. Big Brothers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend. To learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591.

Planned Parenthood of Western Massachusetts 413 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to help distribute information about Planned Parenthood's services, promote safe sex practices, and rally suppon for pro-choice legislation at various events.

Men's Resource Center (413) 253~9887 Distribution, ad sales and mailings for Voice Male , general office work, special projects, etc. Flexible schedules.

www.vix.com/pub/men/index.htrnl

100 Black Men, Inc.: www.100bm.org

Sam Femiano, Th.D., Ed.D. LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Individual and group psychotherapy Therapy groups for male survivors of childhood abu~e· .

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25 MAIN STREET- NORTHAMPTON, MA 01060 . ,., TEL: .413-586-0515 • E-MAIL: CHANGINGMENIO®HOTMAIL.COM

"Robert Mazer psychotherapy for men in transition, men seeking movement in their liv~s free initial consultation I flexible fees ~

staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amherst

Konza Massage Deep tissue, sports , structural body work and relaxation therapy for men

Joseph Babcock 4t3.ss7.43a4 A.M.T.A Member

Very Reasonable Rates

Nationally Certified

Aeadv to Change Your Life?

Men's Group Therapy Psychotherapy for:

Couples - Families Individuals

413-586-7454

Reed Schimmelfing MSW, LJCSW Offices In Northampton

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years as a student of Buddhism.

Cost: $162 Location: Musical Theater Works, 440 Lafayette St., NYC. Information: 413-339-4332 1 www.Shantigar.org I e-mail@shantigar.org

Monday, April 7 - Friday, April 11 Amherst, Massachusetts

Healing the Wounded Heart: Survivor Art Exhibit

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Friday, March 21 and Saturday, March 22 West Hartford, Connecticut True Colors X: · Been Thl~re.

Done That. Now What?

A conference offering more than 150 workshops targeting LGBTI youth, their peers and family members, educators, social service and mental health care providers and their communities of faith. True Colors, Inc. Sexual Minority Youth &: Family Services ensures that Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and lntersexed (LGBTI) people are welcomed, valued and affirmed in e;J.ch of the institutions and systems that touch their lives. The agency seeks to reduce the stigma associated with sexual minority status and to ensure that the needs of LGBTI youth, adults and families are competently met. Location: University of Hartford, West Hartford. Information: A complete list of workshops and a .registration form is available at: www.OurTrueColors.org.

For further information contact: Executive Director Robin Passariello McHaelen Email: at rpassariello@snet.net; 1-888-565-5551.

Thursday, March 27, 7 p.m.

Worcester, Massachusetts

Tough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Mascul.inity Screening and discussion of the acclaimed Media Education Foundation video which will be aired on cable television. Sponsored by the Worcester Men's Resource Center Steering Committee. Location: 71 Pleasant St., Worcester. (508) 753-125 1 ·

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Saturday, April 5 and Sunday, April 6 11 a.m.- 6 p.m.

New York City Exploring the Myths & Stories We Live as Gay Men A workshop with jean-Claude van Itallie and Dan Merchant. 'Experience two master teachers, one a playwright, one a · psychotherapist, both Buddhists, offering a workshop for gay men using movement, meditation, story ari.d dream telling to unveil · the emotional maps that rule our lives. JeanClaude has written more than thitty plays and musicals and has taught theater at Amherst, Columbia, Harvard, Naropa, NYU , Princeton and Yale. Dan is trained in the healing and therapeutic practices of the West and of many indigenous cultures. His work integrateS 25

and girls. Team leaders are being sought.

Information: Contact MUD coordinator Craig Norberg-Bohm, cnorbergbohm@janedoe.org.

Friday, May 2 - Saturday, May 3 Cambridge, Massachusetts Understanding Boys and Men Learn the latest thinking .on the development of boys and men with an emphasis on psychological, sociological, educational and biological issues. Topics to include: emotions, spirituality, violence, sports, father-son, malefemale, male-male relationships. Intended for mental health professionals, educators, clergy and others concerned with boys and men.

Conference directed by: William S. Pollack, Ph.D. and judy Reiner Platt, Ed.D. Location: Royal Sonesta Hotel. Information: Cambridge Hospital Professional Services, P.O. Box 398075-lnman Square, Cambridge, MA 02139; (617) 503-3460; (Fax) (617) 503-3462. Email:cme@challiance.org.

A project for Sexual Assault Awareness Month, Healing the Wounded Heart is designed for anyone who has been affected by sexual assault. To tell thCir stories, participants will decorate a wooden heart displayed in the University of Massachusetts Student Union Art .

Gallecy as testimony of the impact that sexual assault has on all of us. Open to victims/ survivors of sexual assault and their friends, partners, and family members, as well as service providers who work with victims/ survivors. Hearts can be anonymous, and will become the·property of'the EverywomaiJ's Saturday, May 3, Noon - 4 p.m.

Center. Information: Educator/Advocate Northampton, Massachusetts Program at Everywoman's Center at 22nd Annual Northampton Pride March (413) 545-2586 Peace Thrqugh Pride. March proudly at noon from Bridge Street School through downtown Wednesday, April 9th, 5 p.m. - 6 p.m. to rally site at Veteran's Field. Information: Springfield, Massachusetts (413) 586-5602; info@nonhamptonpride.org.

Introduction to the Men's Resource Center

Come and visit the Men's Resource Center for an hour to learn about the work we do in the community. Location: South End Community , Center; 29 Howard Street, Springfield.

Information: (413) 253-9887; sjoseph@mensresourcecenter.org

Friday, April11 - Sunday, April 13 Nashville, Tennessee

Globalization and the Critical Study of Men and Masculinities The annual conference of the American Men's Studies Assocation features keynotes from Susan Bordo, professor of English and Women's Studies at the University of Kentucky · and author of Th.e Male Body: A New Look at Men in Public and Private, and R. W Connell, professor of education at the University of Sydney (Australia) and author of Gender and Power: Society, the Person and Sexual Politics, Masculinities, and The Men and the B~s. · Location: Vanderbilt University. Information: David Robinson (505) 323-2386; (fax) (505) 323-3634; www.mensstudies.org

Monday, April 21st, 5 p.m. - 6 p.m.

Amherst, Massachusetts ·

Introduction to the Men's Resource Center Come and visit the Men's Resource Center for an hour to learn about the work we do in the community. Location: Men's Resource Center; 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst.

Information: (413) 253-9887; sjoseph@mensresourcecenter.org

Sunday, April27 Concord, Newburyport, Salem, Worcester, Massachusetts The Men's Initiative for Jane Doe (MIJD) is coordin~ting men's teams for April fundraising walks on Sunday April27 to "take steps" to end violence against women

May 9-11 Bangor; Pennsylvania Leaping Upon the Mountains: A Men's Abuse Recovery Weekend Led by Mike Lew, M.Ed., and Thorn Harrigan, L.l.C.S.W, of The Next Step Counseling in

Brookline, Mass., this weekend workshop for non-offending adult male survivors of sexual child abuse, rape, physical violence, emotional abuse, abandonment and!or neglect, offers a safe, encouraging, powerful environment of shared healing. For men who are actively engaged in recovery work; not a substitute for therapy. A letter of recommendation from a therapist must accompany the registration form/deposit. Registration deadline: April 25th, space is limited; register early.

Information: 7 PM Friday dinner through Sunday lunch: $295 ($150 registration deposit) . Send to: Kirkridge Conference and Retreat Centei; 2495 Fox Gap Road, Bangor, PA (610) 588-1793; kirkridge@fast.net.

Thursdays, May 15- june 19, 7-9 p.m.

Amherst, Massachusetts Men & Divorce This Men's Resource Center's new workshop series helps men find their way through the divorce process and reach a successful conclusion to this transition.

Six Thursday evenlngs.

Cost: $90 Location: Men's Resource Center, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst Information: Carl Erikson, 253-9887, ext. 13; cerikson@mensresourcecenter.org Friday, May 16 - Sunday, May 18 North Oxford, Massachusetts Massachusetts Men's Gathering Participant-led weekend with workshops, sweat lodge, talent show, poetry, fire circle.

Banon Conference Center. .

Cost: Sliding scale~ $80-150.

Information: Full description and photos at www.massmensgathering.org, or contact Chris Harding, charding@tiac.net

Saturday, July 19 - Saturday, j uly 26 Penobscot River, Maine Father (or Mentor) and Son Wilderness Canoe Trip An experience for men and teenage young men to explore nature while deepenlng a sense

of self. An opponunlty for men to mentor young men in their lives. Co-led by Paul Gemme. For more details, see brochure at: www.returntothefire.com; jody Grose, (203) 778-4393.

The Power of Positive Eating Organic Fruits & Vegetables • Bulk Grains and Beans ~ Whole Grain Bakery • Delicatessen • Ca/t ~ ~

Organic Wines • Microbrewery Beers ) """{ Natural Meats • Sparkling Seafood W Natural Health & Body Care • Fresh Rowers

Bread & Circus WHOLE FOODS MARKET Russell St (Rt 9), Hadley, MA41~58&9932

Houn: Monday- Sunday: 9am- 9Pm

Friday, May 16 - Sunday, May 18 Chestei; Connecticut Connecticut Men's Gathering (COMEGA) Men gathering to explore traditional, nontraditional, and changing views of masculinlty.

COMEGA provides an open, trusting, noncompetitive environment for men of all ages, races and backgrounds to share and learn from one another. Fathers are encouraged to bring older sons. Cost: sliding scale $125-$ 165.

Panial scholarships available.

Information: COMEGA, P.O. Box 687, · Hanford, CT 06142-0687. www.comega.org; Kenjohnson, (860) 633-7676.

Saturday, May 31, 3-6 p.m.

Northampton, Massachusetts The Men's Clothing Event Quality men's clothing, some new, some not.

D] , snacks, conversation. Men and women welcome. All clothes in excellent condition.

Portion of profits to benefit Men's Resource Center. Information: (413) 587-0997.

Friday, July 11 - Saturday, july 19 · Allagash_ River, Maine Men's Wilderness Canoe Trip · Join a group of men on a journey by canoe in the Maine wilderness. For more details, see brochure at: www.rerurntothefire.com; Jody Grose, (2,03) 778-4393.

the 22nd Annual

Northampton Pride March May 3, 2fiiJ3 Starts at 12 noon at the

Bridge Street School In Northampton and goes through town to the Veteran's Field. Rally NORTHAMPTON 2003

from 1-4pm

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For Information about advertising, sponsorship, and vendor tables Call413.586.5602 or 1.877.743.3627 or email at info@northamptonpride.org

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A NeVI Food Co-op • I

the Pioneer Valley?

IT' S HAPPENING Join Todayl

Plans are under way to open River Valley Market this fall in Northampton!

Your membership will help us reach our goals. Our new co-op will provide: • An abundance of fresh local organic produce, meats, and dairy • A full selection of natural and organic groceries • Flavorful, healthy, freshly prepared ready-to-eat foods • Natural supplements, herbs, and personal care goods • Friendly, knowledgeable staff who care about food as much as you do • Monthly member-only specials • And best of all ...the Members Own It!

WHY BECOME A FOUNDING MEMBER-OWNER TODAY? • There's never been a better opportunity to open a fresh new food co•op in the Pioneer Valley. As of March 2003, we're already over halfway to our 2,500-member goal with over 1,500 founding member-owners. Each new membership moves us closer to opening!

• Your participation is important! Membership builds the foundation for the new co-op and membership keeps it strong after opening. The co-op is 100% democratically member-owned-the $150 membership investments fund the business. (No work is required.)

•It feels good to belong to our co·opl The co-op values the simple ~~~~~~~--

things that enharice every-day life: an abundance of fresh, local and organic food, good flavor, good health, and a convenient, secure connes:tion to our food supply.

Together, we'll create a community-based business that supports local farmers and makes solving "What's for dinner tonight?" a pleasure.

PLUS you'll enioy your membership benefits for many years to comel Qust tear or cut along dotted line)

r---- - -- - - ---~ ------~------------------------1 EVERYONE WELCOME TO SHOP , EVERYONE WELCOME TO JO I N! To join on-line using PayPal, or for more info, visit us at -.rivervalleymarket.coop Or complete lhis form and

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Founding Member-Owner (Full Pay)

Enclosed is my full membership equity share invesanent of $150.

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Foun ding Member-Owner Onstallment Pay) Enclosed is the first of 6 monthly payments of $25.

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Name:

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I would consider a Member-Loan/Preferred Shares to help the co-op. Contact me about details.

Enclosed is a Non.:rax-Deductible Donation of: (Separate check, please)

'Ibis Membership is for:

(up

to 4 adults in the same household)

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Phone: ( E-mail:

THANK YOU lor joining usl

(official voting member-owner)

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