WELLBEING

How to spot the signs of abuse written by Anna Ruggiero

Relationships form a very important part of our life. They should be a safe place where we can talk about how we feel and what we need without fear of judgement, shaming or abuse. Our close relationships should always be equal, healthy, and respectful of boundaries.

Abusive relationships are never acceptable. It is important to recognise the signs of domestic abuse and then you can make the decision to leave in a safe way. As a victim of domestic abuse, you might struggle to talk to friends or family about the abuse. It is not uncommon for victims to make excuses for their abusers’ behaviour and not seek out support, this could be for any of the following reasons:

Shame: Abuse can be extremely damaging to your self-esteem. Many victims will believe that they are responsible for the abuse and that they have caused it. This is never the case. When you enter a relationship with someone who is abusive, at first, they may come across as charming and kind. Over time, the abuse starts and sadly for the victim, they have formed an emotional attachment to this person making it harder to leave.

Guilt: Abuse can be very blatant or sometimes it can be very subtle. If you love someone who is abusing you, no matter what that person is doing to you, it is possible you that will still love them until you find the strength and support to leave. However, because perpetrators of abuse can often be very manipulative, you might find yourself feeling guilty or that you are betraying your loved one by telling other people and seeking support for yourself.

Fear: You feel too scared to seek help. Victims often report that the abuse gets worse once they plan to leave as the abuser starts to lose control of the victim – their need for control becomes greater. It is often advised to have a strategy in place for when you leave your abusive partner so that you can stay safe. This can include staying with a trusted friend, family member or in a shelter.

Acceptance: Once you have shared the abuse with friends/family or a professional, it makes the abuse real and at this point you need to accept what has been happening to you. This can be extremely difficult to acknowledge. The forms of abuse:

Psychological: Psychological abuse is often very subtle. The abuser will slowly ‘chip away’ at the victim with comments that aim to degrade, shame, with the ultimate goal being to control the victim. Some signs of psychological abuse are jealousy and possessiveness; control, such as checking your phone; constantly arguing with you; ‘gas-lighting’ (a form of psychological abuse where a person uses manipulation to try to make a person question their own sanity); isolating you from friends and family; calling you names; shaming or blaming; giving you the silent treatment or withholding affection.

Physical abuse: This is not only hitting. They might restrain you or throw objects. They might pinch or shove you and claim it is a ‘joke’. Some abusers may only use the threat of violence, but this is still abuse.

Financial abuse: Controlling your access to money or resources. They might take your wages, stop you working, or put you in debt, all with the aim to control you.

Leaving an abusive relationship is never going to be easy but trust me when I say, it will always be worth it. You might question whether it is the right thing to do and a part of you might want to save the relationship. Many victims stay with their abuser because they think he/she will change. Whilst change is of course always possible, it is neither easy nor quick. The only option you have if you are in an abusive relationship is to leave it for your own physical and mental wellbeing.

The abuse can often get worse once you have made the decision to leave as the abuser will often sense a change and fear the loss of control. Remember, the main aim of abuse is always control. It is important you have somewhere safe to go. Victims have often found that changing their phone number helps to maintain a distance between themselves and the abuser which is vital for recovery.

For specialist support on how to leave and recover from an abusive relationship, call the 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.