8 secrets to healthy celibacy

A WELL-DEVELOPED capacity for friendship is an important part of living as a celibate because the human need for intimacy does not disappear by taking vows.

Carol Schuck Scheiber is the content editor of VISION

voCation guide and editor of HORIZON, the journal of the National Religious Vocation Conference.

8

secrets to healthy celibacy

bycarOl Schuck ScheIber

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How good are you at setting limits and sticking to them or balancing quiet time with an active social life? These are just some of the questions you’ll need to ask yourself if you are seriously considering religious life.

WHILE NO QUIZ can tell you for sure what life choice is right for you, discernment tools, such as quizzes and questionnaires, can help you gain insight into your personal preferences and practices and as they relate to the requirements of religious life. The more you know about yourself, the better chance you have of choosing the path that will bring you the most joy.

Take a moment to complete our celibacy quiz on the opposite page. Then read on for more information on living the vow of celibacy well.

CAN YOU LIVE A CELIBATE LIFE?

TEST YOUR ABILITY to live successfully as a celibate person. Circle your answer to the following statements:

1. I have close friends. Most of them are around my own age and have similar educational backgrounds.

2. I have a life!

3. I can enjoy time alone.

4. I can set limits.

5. I have a personal relationship with God and spend time in prayer.

6. I can say no.

7. I am willing to love those no one else will love.

8. I don’t need to satisfy my own needs immediately. YES NO

YES NO

YES NO

YES NO

YES NO

9. Icandelaygratification.

10. My social circle is a mix of men and women.

11. My prayer life supports my struggle to be chaste.

12. I know how to be intimate without being sexually active.

13. I have made and kept commitments in my life.

14. I can be honest, down to earth, realistic, joyful, and warm (though not all necessarily at the same time; no one is perfect!).

15. Most of the time I am comfortable with my own body and emotions. YES NO

YES NO

YES NO

YES NO

YES NO

YES NO

YES NO

YES NO

YES NO

YES NO

Positive answers to these questions indicate you have the capacity to live the celibate life well.

Poor Clares are a contemplative branch of the Franciscan Order

Love God in Complete Surrender

—St. Clare

Our call is to intimacy with God and prayerful support of all people

Requirements: An attraction to the life 18 to 45 years of age emotional and physical health

Monastery of St. Clare 1271 Langhorne-Newtown Road

Langhorne PA 19047-1297 www.poorclarepa.org vocation@poorclarepa.org

Enter #048 at VocationMatch.com 1.Close friends and an ability to love Consecrated life means being willing to love brothers and sisters generously, in ministry and in community life.

While becoming a more loving person is a lifelong task, religious communities do expect to see a certain capacity for this in prospective members. Those who struggle to have and maintain friendships may not be good candidates for living a chaste, celibate life. Why? Celibates will not have a life partner. They must meet their basic human need for intimacy through friendship and relationships with community members. If your capacity for friendship is relatively untested, it may be unwise to take a vow that would require you to rely on friendship to meet the need for intimacy. Those in religious life have an intimate relationship with Christ but still need human intimacy and friendship in their lives.

3.

2.Having a life To “have a life” means that you are multi-faceted and engaged with people and in activities. Those whose worlds are limited may be unprepared socially for the demands of religious life. A religious community cannot provide a person with a life, but rather the community invites a person to share life with them. A person who has a vibrant life outside of a religious congregation has much to offer and much to gain by joining a religious community.

Enjoying time alone

and are not anxious about being accepted usually make the best members of religious communities. Religious should be comfortable with solitude. There is a long tradition in religious life of maintaining silence in order to commune with God more readily.

4.Setting limits, postponing gratification The ability to establish and maintain boundaries in your personal and professional life is especially important for celibate church ministers. Ministerial relationships, in particular, can sometimes become close and intense. Taking a vow does not stop people from having normal sexual feelings for those they meet.

The ability to set and keep limits will help you to maintain vowed, celibate chastity, just as Catholic singles and married people strive to maintain chastity within their commitments—by adhering to limits and maintaining respect for themselves and others.

5. 6.

7. 8.

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Personal and prayerful relationship with God

The theology of vacare Deo—or emptiness for God—sees the sacrifice involved in a celibate lifestyle as an opportunity for God to fill one’s emptiness. The time and energy required by a spouse and family is left open for God to fill. Without a close personal relationship with God, there is little point in consecrating one’s full self to God.

This theology of celibacy is developed in the book Clowning for God, by Henri Nouwen. See the VISION book list (page 11) for other recommended reading. The Catholic concept of consecrated celibacy is definitely counter-cultural, and those entering religious life do well to understand and appreciate this tradition.

Comfortable with people of both sexes

Religious community members must be comfortable with all types of people. They are seeking new members who can engage comfortably and appropriately with people of all races, genders, economic backgrounds, etc.

If people of the opposite sex tend to make you feel uncomfortable, fearful, or angry, then this may be worth exploring with a close confidante or a professional. Religious life is not an escape from dealing with people of the opposite sex.

Comfortable with emotions

Those who are able to live a celibate life happily are generally able to understand and name their emotions. They can cope with strong emotions without resorting to one extreme (overreaction) or another (shutting down, going numb). A person capable of healthy celibate living can find and stay within appropriate types of self-expression for anger, attraction, sorrow, etc.

Comfortable with the body

Those who live celibacy best have the discipline to follow healthy physical habits, such as proper diet, nutrition, and exercise. They do not escape into an overly spiritual and mental life but

Answers to your questions about relationships and religious life

I’m dating somebody I really care about, but I also feel drawn to religious life. What can I do about this

dilemma? It’s not unusual for people who are considering religious life to be in romantic relationships. What it means in your particular situation depends on many things, and it might be helpful to discuss it with a spiritual director. To find one, try asking a campus minister, your parish priest, or a vocation director. If your attraction to religious life remains strong, then it makes sense to bring this up with your significant other.

The meaning of your interest in religious life should become clearer over time as you pray, discuss, possibly visit communities, and otherwise discern who you truly are. Greater selfunderstanding will help you figure out which life path is your true calling.

My parents are worried that I won’t be present for family gatherings if I enter religious life. How should I address their concern?

Married couples face this same conflict and must decide how to divide their time between their families of origin, their in-laws, and the new family they have formed as a couple. Any life commitment requires that you make it the primary one in your life. As a member of a religious community, the community comes first, and all of your other commitments—personal and professional—flow from this one.

Not being present for some family gatherings can be difficult, especially in the beginning, when you and your family are adjusting to a new reality. Most Catholic sisters, brothers, and priests say that the shift is not painfree, but as different expectations and roles develop, it gets easier. Most also find that as their family members get to know the community and see their loved one thriving, they feel a greater sense of trust and acceptance.

Do religious communities allow someone with sexual experience to enter?

Prior sexual experience does not automatically rule someone out. Keep in mind, however, that religious communities expect men and women to have lived a celibate lifestyle for a number of years prior to joining. The community will want to know that you can live a balanced celibate life.

If you have conceived any children, however, you might not be able to join a religious community.

I was once married. Would religious communities still consider me?

Multiple factors come into play when a religious community considers a person who has been married, but it’s not impossible for a previously married person to join. Prior Catholic marriages that did not end with your spouse’s death need to be formally annulled before entering, and even then there may be restrictions. The best way to learn what is allowable in your particular situation is to contact communities that interest you.

If I am homosexual, can I join a religious community?

Of primary concern is your ability to live a celibate life in a healthy, joyful, productive way. Religious communities want incoming members to be mature and what psychologists call “sexually integrated.” Most communities desire that their members accept and embrace their sexual identity and orientation as a foundation for living the vow of chastity.

My friends are important to me. If I enter a religious community, can I still spend time with them?

There is no simple answer to this question because the parameters of your life as a religious will be set by the particular community you join. You will typically be part of the conversation about parameters, but they will be set in community. What is true in every case is that your primary commitment is to the community. Members of an enclosed (cloistered) community will have fewer opportunities for visiting with friends than will members of an apostolic community that ministers in more public settings. When you talk with religious communities that interest you, bring up your concern to them.

Do members in a religious community have to treat everyone the same, or is it OK to be close friends with some people and not with others?

It would be unrealistic for communities to expect that members would not form certain close friendships. Religious communities want their members to have good friends and confidantes, and many religious have those both inside and outside of the community. What religious institutes discourage are relationships that disrupt a sense of communal harmony by creating divisions.

Do you have a question for the VISION editors? Send it to contenteditor@ VocationGuide.org.

It is a great good to think that if we try we can become saints with God’s help.

- ST. TERESA OF JESUS

Called to community and contemplative prayer in the tradition of St. Teresa of Jesus and St. John of the Cross

DISCALCED CARMELITE FRIARS WASHINGTON PROVINCE  discalcedfriars.org  ocdvocation@gmail.com

Religious communities do seek out individuals “ who have demonstrated that they can live chastely in a healthy way.

rather are able to fully experience life physically and mentally. They accept their body while also making an effort to keep it healthy and well-groomed.

Healthy physical expressions such as appropriate hugs, handshakes, etc. are not a cause of unease for the person who is a mature celibate. Those who live celibacy best understand and accept who they are sexually, even if a vow of celibacy naturally means that they discipline the way they relate to others sexually.

Past sexual behavior is not necessarily an impediment to joining

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religious life, but religious communities do seek out individuals who have demonstrated—over a number of years—that they can live chastely in a healthy and joyful way.

Like any type of true discipleship, there is a cost to being a religious community member. Dayto-day living of the vow of celibacy is not always easy—just as being a Christian spouse or parent or single person often is very demanding.

Yet for those who are called to consecrated life, the long-term joys and satisfactions make the life what it is meant to be: a gift to those who live it, a gift to the church, and a gift to the world. =

Thank you to members of the HORIZON Editorial Board for contributing insights to this article.