The Zack Budryk Files - The

The top five unsung bad asses ·n American history

ZACK BUOBYK

CO/u,rr-)n1st

John "Old Smoke" Morrissey, U.S. Congressman

Why he's a badass: You know how Jim Webb was elected to the Senate mostly on the basis of him being a veteran (and not a smarmy, racist jackass)? Well, to that, John Morrissey says fook yerself, ya gobshite, ya. Why, you ask? Because he was a hitman before he found himself in Congress. Morrissey was indicted for assault with intent to kill before the age of eighteen. Pulling himself up by the bootstraps in a uniquely New York way, Wikipedia tells us "Morrissey also displayed driving ambition, teaching himself to read and write while working as a bouncer at a South Troy brothel." While running with local gang the Dead Rabbits, Morrissey successfully put out a hit on local Irish Catholic-hating mustache William "Bill the Butcher" Poole.

Why no one knows about him: Aside from everything above, history books would have to explain his nickname, which came from him being assaulted with hot coals by a rival and beating the shit out of the guy while smoke was still issuing from his burns. To be fair, it's a much better Congressional nickname than Robert Byrd's "Exalted Cyclops of the Ku Klux Klan."

John Deitz, farmer

Why he's a badass: 1920s Wisconsinite farmer John Deitz, having paused in the consumption of cheese or whatever the fuck people from Wisconsin do, discovered that the Cameron Dam had been built on his property. Ever the opportunist, Deitz got the idea of standing by the dam with a cocked shotgun, demanding tolls from anyone who tried to drive logs downriver (and firing warning shots at the many feds who attempted to arrest him). Eventually, a posse surrounded Deitz's house, demanding his surrender, which didn't stop him from killing a deputy in the process. After serving ten years of a life sentence for murder, Deitz's folk-hero status persuaded the governor to pardon him. Why no one knows about him: Well, they used to. Deitz was a living legend, not just locally but nationwide, even inspiring a movie, which presumably featured him shooting trespassers, cocking an eyebrow and saying something witty like "Dam shame." Eventually the nation realized they were lionizing someone from Wisconsin, and immediately came to their senses.

Sybil Ludington, riding enthusiast

Why she's a badass: So you know that incident in which someone rode on horseback by night, all the while on their guard for British troops

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who were patrollin' and tryin' to catch them ridin' dirty? Chances are you're thinking about Paul Revere, or, if you had

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the same idiotic, Virginia-centric fourth grade history class I did, Jack Jouett. But Sybil Ludington managed to ride further and in less time than Revere for the same purpose, at the tender age of sixteen. Carmel, New York still holds a fifty-meter footrace named after her, presumably featuring imported British soldiers who bayonet anyone who falls behind.

Why no one knows about her: Because she suffered from a common ancient deformity known as "having a vagina." To add insult to injury, her name is misspelled on her tombstone. Nope, not kidding.

Joshua Abraham Norton, emperor

Why he's a badass: To quote George Carlin, "I have as much authority as the Pope, just not as many people who believe it." Norton, a San Franciscan businessman, one day proclaimed himself Emperor of the United States, apparently based on the Treaty of Because I Said So. In other words, Norton was pretty much a