QUARTERS MY_NAME AREN’T CALLING

I tried this out with my roommate John. We thought about quarters nonstop. How they would feel when we picked them up off the gr aound. The weight they would have in our hands. How the light would bounce off their surface when we saw them on the street. Every day we searched for our quarters.

ahead of me. I knew he was looking at me, so I picked up the tab and held it up in the air like it was a quarter. He wailed on the car’s horn, and I saw his expression burst to the point where I felt bad. I revealed it was a tab when I got closer.

by MAC WOOLLEY

Two weeks in and things weren’t going well. We became desperate. When we were planning a grocery store trip, we remembered that ALDI requires people to have quarters to use their carts. The system works like this: you put a quarter into a slot on the cart that releases it from a chain lock and then when you reconnect the cart to the chain lock, the quarters pops back out. We thought this guaranteed that ALDI parking lots were home to at least one forgotten quarter. Nothing was found.

One day, when I was walking to John’s car to get picked up, I spotted a soda tab on the ground

In the car, we both complained about our failings. We tried to reduce it to people not carrying coins anymore in the digital age, and that those who did carry coins, kept close care of them for their ALDI carts. But we both knew we were making excuses. About a week after we gave up, we noticed something. Scattered around our hardwood floors along with the clumps of dust and lost socks, there were quarters. They were in corners, under tables, and even right out in the open. Three in the living room, four in the dining room, two in the laundry room, one in the hallway. The more we looked, the more we found.

We don’t think about quarters much anymore.

You have found just found one You just found one found one You have just found You just found You have found one one You You just one found You have just found one found

You just found

You have found one just found one You have just found one have just found one You just have found one

You have just found one You have found one You just have found one

Cancer Virgo

When you first found out you were a Cancer, you may not have liked the linguistic connection to the disease, but don’t worry! It can become your icebreaker when asked about your sign. This season, look towards things like home-cooked meals and blue-ish colors for comfort. More importantly though, this is the youngest you will ever be and the oldest you’ve ever been, so enjoy yourself.

Your natural inclination towards perfectionism and your unwavering ambition has crafted you into the person you are today. When facing the “judgemental” allegations, just think… What would Beyoncé, your Virgo sister, say? In giving yourself patience and grace, you will be able to conquer the world… or at least your to-do list for starters. If you find yourself feeling especially selfcritical today, don’t be afraid to go outside and touch some grass… you are an earth sign after all!

Scorpio Taurus

Scorpions are so much more than just spiders with stingers. They are older than the dinosaurs, can go a year without food, and their venom can kill or save lives. Much like your namesake, you are so often misunderstood and underestimated. Your fiery approach is what makes you unstoppable. When you feel the anxieties start to pile up, look to the crescent moon and try grabbing some aloe. You don’t have to be the best, you just have to last the longest.

Hello my beautiful earth sign. Your bold, bright drive allows you to attain all of your desired goals in life. Your eclectic and comforting energy makes people love being around you, don’t ever dim your light! Self-care is important, but this season you should challenge yourself to go out and get involved! Whether it be joining a new club, or immersing yourself in a different crowd of people, step out of your comfort zone and watch your creativity fly!

Be wary of men in long trench coats; they might tell you things you aren’t ready to hear. You’re too smart and sociable for your own good but don’t worry! You’ll meet someone insufferable soon! Try your best to mix your natural impulsiveness with some long-term planning, like free-soloing a cliff, but putting it on a Google Calendar six months early. Balance is key.

You will stumble upon a cartoonishly large pile of gold in the middle of the sidewalk, though, you’ll have to fight off all 25 of the other people rushing down the street. But hey, you’re a Sagittarius, so you’ll probably win anyways! In the end, the stars say that you’ll find even greater fortune in sharing the gold with those you care about most in life.

Stop letting quick judgment and your desire to hold grudges fuel your experiences. Although someone you love will say the same thing and you’ll put it in a locket, the worst person you know can still make a good point. Duality is your strength this year, eat a messy meal in bed to feel something besides the things out of your control tonight.

How do you do it, Leo? With a heart so big, hair so luscious, and a smile so dazzling, it must be so hard to carry all of that weight on your shoulders. The stars tell me that this week, the spotlight will be on you. And next week, the spotlight will be on you. And the week after that, the spotlight will be on you. And the week after that week, the spotlight will be on you.

Duh!

Helloooo hot-shot! Get fired up as Aries season is just on the horizon! You burn the brightest during this time. Perhaps you’ll attract a new lover, or…two. Pick the one that can handle your horns! If they appreciate your Ram-ish tenacity, they’re definitely the one for you. However, be careful not to charge in blindly. The passion will fizzle out if you rush into this new flame too quickly.

Capricorn

You soon will find yourself trapped in an addiction to diet coke. But it will only last for 2 weeks and then you will lose your addiction. You will learn to overcome even the strangest of obstacles and will find balance in all portions of your life. Keep an eye out for the signs.

So maybe you’ve been having a rough time, but hey, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! It is ROUGH out here, but you’ll find contentment in your life. The stars tell me a ton of stuff so just like give me a call every now and then to make sure that you won’t regret buying that thing you’ve been eyeing that’s over 300 bucks.

Pisces Libra

You’re charming and value your physical appearance. Actually, I don’t know if this is true or not, but it seems about right. Kim Kardashian is a libra so that lines up. And she’s hot! And rich! So that means you are (or will be) too! So just sit back, relax, do a face mask, and your fortune will soon arrive (terms and conditions may apply).