CT HOROSCOPES for April | Guaranteed 100% accurate

AQUARIUS – Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You ought to be ashamed.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

Try to exercise a little diplomancy this month, as you are the U.S. ambassador to Botswana.

VIRGO – Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You begin to show signs of a natural talent for watercolors, which is too bad, because watercolors are for pansies and dillweeds.

PISCES – Feb. 19 – March 20

Console yourself before your big performance/critique/examination/interview this month by remembering: Fifty or so years from now, for all intents and purposes, it’ll be the same as if you’d never existed.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

Minutes and perhaps hours of your life will continue to vanish this month while listening to grown adults discuss Hollywood films based on literature for preteens.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

The gravity of the situation will fail to occur to you until you’re already plummeting past the seventh story.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

The stars assure you that, with time, people will forget all about it – or at least they’ll stop referring to you as Urine Boy to your face.

LEO – July 23 – Aug. 22

A whirlwind depression is yours this month when Facebook evidence of your homemade pesto fails to garner even a cursory number of ‘likes.’

LIBRA – Sep. 23 – Oct. 22

Earth ascendant in the constellation Taurus this month indicates a long journey, possible romance and that you’re somehow standing on the surface of another planet.

SCORPIO – Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You realize you are completely incapable of feeling anything like joy, compassion or love, making it much easier for you to major in print journalism.

SAGITTARIUS – Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You will lie through your teeth to a homeless person this month.

CAPRICORN – Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

The truest advice the stars can give you this month is that people change over time. The events of this month, in particular, will demonstrate how you can change from someone without polio to someone with it.