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MAY 2, 2012



May 2, 2012


University of Texas buys Players


UTEP to host controversial boxing match


Headlines A look at what’s been in the news this week


UWeekly Sits Down with The Impossibles

Nocturnal Wonderland Page 24 Photo: Eli Watson

Alternative Places to study in Austin Finding the perfect spot in Austin to study for finals It looks like it’s the most dreaded time of the year again: final exams. The week when you’re pulling constant all nighters, overstimulating your body with way too many five hour energy shots, and trying to overindulge yourself in distractions to avoid the impending stress of finals. One way to possibly reduaace your stress is finding a place to study rid of distractions. So if you’re tired of falling asleep in your dorm, or avoiding death glares from students by making the slightest noise in the PCL, try some other places across Austin that are suitable for studying at the late hours of the night.

Bennu 24 Hour Café Lounge Located on MLK street, Bennu Café Lounge is the most suitable for students that resort to the bus for their only source of transportation. It’s a nice, relaxed cafe filled with comfy chairs for your long night of studying. It even has tea, and coffee with enough jolt to get you through the hours

of papers, and constant reading. Be warned, try and get there early because it can get packed at around 11 PM. But if you get restless talk a small break and walk outside to use your phone. Also, the Wi-Fi is good but if you plan to catch up on a semester worth of online-streamed lectures, you may want to find a different place.

to smoke in the parking lot because chances are you may end up pissing off a few people outside in the patio. The only advice is to try to find a seat near the center of the café, because Wifi can be so slow to be useless.

Epoch Café Lounge It definitely not the closest place to campus but it will definitely let you get your work done, as mostly everyone is nose deep in their studies. It may be a little weird as you have your little bohemia of Austin filled with (with your exception of student) artists, progressives, musicians, stoners, and free thinkers of all ages. It has a cool atmosphere and plenty variety of food and drink options for you picky health connoisseurs. Epoch is smoke friendly environment so if you get restless, you can enjoy a nice smoke outside. Just make sure

Strange Brew Austin Coffee Shop Although it’s the farthest place away from campus, it’s a quaint, small place hidden in South Austin. Less pretentious than Epoch and less crowded than Bennu, Strange Brew is the perfect spot for those of you that have cars and don’t mind the extra miles. The service and Wifi are great, but the coffee and pastries can be a hit and miss. So if you plan on sticking by yourself, you’ll be just fine.

Kerbey Lane Café or Magnolia Café As the other places offer dingy pastries and sandwiches or just drinks, try out Kerbey Lane and Magnolia Café for your late night food cravings. Open 24 hours, you can satisfy any food penchant you have, even if you prefer breakfast at 2 AM. Both are considered to be an Austin staple, and have great food from their pancakes to their queso. Although, some may prefer the collegiate quirky kid vibe of Kerbey Lane, Magnolia Café offers a laid back environment with that sittingdown-with-your- friends experience even if you may be by yourself. Alex Ramirez




@ EMO’S 8



May 2, 2012 |


Austin burger joint bought out by UT UT acquires Players in $4 million dollar deal One of Austin’s most coveted late-night burger joints, Players, may close down its doors for good soon. On Tuesday, April 24, UT bought out the Oliviera familyowned business for a $4 million deal.

the site, so students will still be able to enjoy a nice hangover cure every now and then. However, it is possible that in the next few years, the Players estate could be used for a parking garage, or a new student dorm

Students will still be able to enjoy a nice hangover cure every now and then. Although UT has had its eye on the property for quite some time as they tried acquiring it back in 2004 on the grounds of eminent domain while building the AT&T Center, this acquisition went through smoothly for a fair deal on both sides. UT has no immediate plans for the use of

building. It could also possibly be used as an expansion of the McCombs School of Business as the deal was initiated by the school’s charitable foundation. UT currently shows no interest in terminating the 10-year lease, though it can do so at any time as long as a six-month notification is

given and $100,000 is paid for each year on the remainder of the lease. In 2014, the owners, Carlos Oliveira and Edward A. Hempe, can also choose to terminate the lease. But still, students shouldn’t get their hopes up. Some students have mixed feelings regarding the situation. While some are not surprised about the transaction, others are saddened about the possibility of it closing

down as it holds many post-party inebriated memories. Some are even shocked that the establishment didn’t hold out for more money from the university. Even though Players will stay open for now, let’s just hope that students won’t have to resort to Wendy’s at Jester or Kerbey Lane for their midnight cravings anytime soon. Alex Ramirez

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National Group Calls on UT System to Freeze Tuition Advocates for a moratorium on tuition increases at public universities — specifically at the University of Texas System — will attempt to deliver bags of ice to the Capitol offices of Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst and other key officials this afternoon as part of their “Freeze Tuition Now” campaign. The campaign is part of an initiative of the Florida-based Hispanic Council for Reform and Educational Options, a national nonprofit focused on education reform and issues relating to school choice in K-12 through a Hispanic lens. Albert Collazo, a spokesman for the organization, said the nonprofit plans to move into other states after starting the campaign in Texas. “We are very interested in Texas, because there is a very large Hispanic population,” Collazo said. “We know in Texas and in many other states, the cost of tuition when it comes to higher education is something of great concern when it comes to access for students and parents, as well.” The campaign is currently focusing solely on the UT System. Collazo said the campaign may expand to other university systems in Texas, but the group wanted to begin with

of Texas at Dallas over the same period. The regents are expected revisit the issue next month. “The UT System has a robust tuition and fee recommendation process in place and the current analysis of the campus recommendations is ongoing,” said UT

Tuition Now team intends to distribute today, it frowns upon any university efforts to balance a shrinking budget that include raising tuition, asking for more money from the state or federal government or cutting adjunct faculty. The group writes that “a better answer, plain and simple” is

“We know in Texas and in many other states, the cost of tuition when it comes to higher education is something of great concern when it comes to access for students and parents, as well.” a focused effort on institutions that many Hispanics seek to access. The UT System Board of Regents had planned to vote on requested tuition increases at a meeting this month, but the item was left off the agenda, leaving students in the dark as to what they can expect to pay in the fall semester. Universities in the system had requested a range of tuition increases, from no increase at the University of Texas at Arlington from fall 2011 to fall 2012, to a $209 rise at the University


May 2, 2012 |

System spokesman Anthony de Bruyn. “The Chancellor will ultimately make recommendations regarding any tuition and fee increases in public and the Board will then discuss the matter and vote.” The UT System was one of the focal points of a contentious debate last spring over reforming higher education and boosting faculty productivity. The rhetoric has cooled recently, but this outside effort could rekindle some of it. According to materials that the Freeze

for universities to become more “efficient, accountable and transparent” while keeping tuition steady. Collazo said it is in the interest of the state and the country to keep tuition low for Hispanic students. “Latinos are the fastest-growing population in this country, and our economic viability depends on the education of our students,” he said. Reeve Hamilton This article originally appeared in The Texas Tribune

Publisher Michael Huereque Account Executives Nick Lorges Art Director Jessica Caraway Ad Designer Terry Kennedy Editor–in–Chief Sarah Neve Copy Editor Daniel J. Frimpter Campus Writers Amanda Chappel Luke Winkie Sports Writers Brian Bogart Entertainment Writers William M. Bass Sarah Vasquez Karissa Rodriguez Brett Thorne Elijah Watson Circulation Jeremy Tooker CONTACT PUBLISHER Highbrow LLC ABOUT UWeekly Austin

UWeekly Austin is an independent publication and is not affiliated with the University of Texas at Austin. One free copy per person. Additional copies may be picked up at our office for .50 each. Opinions expressed are those of the writers/authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the staff or publishers of UWeekly. Not liable for omissions, misprints, or typographical errors. No part of this publication may be reproduced without the written consent of the publisher. © Copyright 2012 Highbrow, LLC

Drinking unselfishly

Cocktails for a cause Planned Parenthood has been in the news a lot lately. While the organization has always had a mix of supporters as well as opponents, for years the organization has provided low-income women a place where they can take care of all their feminine health needs. Although the organization provides women with services ranging from pap smears to birth control, Planned Parenthood also services men and teens. Planned Parenthood first started to grace the headlines of national news because of proposed budget cuts coming from our nation’s republican leaders. It made headlines again when then-vice president of the Susan G. Komen Foundation Karen Handel announced plans to pull grants that offered women breast cancer screenings. Thankfully, there was enough outcry from the public to stop this measure, but it wasn’t without a resignation from Handel.

of affordable general health services. These include flu vaccines, physical exams, and various health screenings. It also provides pregnancy services to prenatal women. With the threat of the cut, the entire organization is in jeopardy of shutting down, and that would leave a lot of our low-income and under-served populations with nowhere to turn for their health needs.

Planned Parenthood is hosting a soiree for the young movers and shakers of our community. The A-word

What now?

The issue of abortion has been a hot issue of debate for decades in this country. Not just affecting women, all members of society seem to have a strong stance or opinion about this subject. While some believe it’s a woman’s right to choose whether she mothers a child, others think that abortion is just another word for murder. Although abortions are technically legal, there is still a lot of moral gray area that is just too hard to handle for some. That’s why many of our republican leaders, who have conservative, Christian values, strongly oppose the organization’s abortion services and have actively worked to shut down the institution entirely. While they haven’t been able to materialize their agenda, they dealt the organization a crippling blow earlier this year by proposing a $300 million cut in funding. But abortion and sexual and reproductive health services are not all that Planned Parenthood provides. In fact, it also provides a wide range

Now that the 90-year-old organization cannot rely on state and national funding the way it has in the past, it’s looking more and more to private support and individual

Good Deeds

Thursday, May 3 at 6 PM Six Lounge 117 West 4th St Austin, TX 78701

contributions. Although it will take much more effort and a lot more sacrifice on behalf of their supporters to make up for the proposed $300 million cut in funding, the organization has to start somewhere while they’re still afloat. In order to get the ball rolling, Planned Parenthood is hosting a soiree for the young movers and shakers of our community. The plan is to get different members of the community together and breed the next generation of Planned Parenthood supporters by raising money for their cause. The event will take place at Six Lounge, which has an amazing rooftop view of Austin as well as a spacious bar and lounge area. Bring your ID and your checkbook. Amanda Chappel | May 2, 2012


Events on or around campus

Photo: Madeleine Ball

Robert Rodriguez discusses Mexicans, fool May 2 Nah, fool. It’s Latino. Don’t be all racist an’ shit. Either way, you should mosey your ass on down to Burdine Hall to get a glimpse of this local celebrity as he discusses the future of Latinos in film. To no one’s surprise, Rodriguez is a fan of Mexican TV and tortillas. And you should be too, pendeja. Burdine Hall (BUR)106, 5-6:30 PM

Finals are approaching May 8 Arguably the most stressful time of the semester, students often have few places to go where they can adequately deal with stress while meeting deadlines. That’s why the Perry-Castaneda Library is holding Maker Break, which is just a fancy name for a study break. During this time you’ll be treated to delicious Gala apples as well as arts and crafts, as it’s time to let your inner child out to play. Perry-Castaneda Library lobby, 9-10 PM

Jacking off Jack Abramoff May 2 Embroiled, controversial and corrupt government lobbyist Jack Abramoff will be down at the AT&T Conference Center to show you the ropes and tell you some tricks of the trade. That is, if your trade is being involved in scandal, fraud and criminal convictions. Come see how this man managed to stay out of jail, influence our government and help send 20 of his partners and associates to jail. AT&T Conference Center 6-7:30 PM UT ID Required

Friday, May 4 Baseball Missouri, Columbia, MO, 6 PM


Put up yer dukes

Oklahoma, Norman, OK, 7 PM

May 3 This is slam poetry taken to the next level. Renowned slam poet Rachel McKibbens and Mindy Nettifee can’t wait to slam some poetry in your damn face. They’ll be making a pit shop here in Austin while touring the nation far and wide. Attendees will be treated to a workshop and a performance. Who could ask for more? ART Building (ART), 1.102 5:30-10 PM

Sunday, May 6 Saturday, May 5



Missouri, Columbia, MO, 1 PM

Missouri, Columbia, MO, 1 PM

Softball Oklahoma, Norman, OK, 2 PM


May 2, 2012 |

Softball Oklahoma, Norman, OK, 12 PM Brian Bogart

Poker face May 9 Puh-puh-puh-poker face. Get your poker face ready for this 21st annual poker walk. What, exactly, is a poker walk, you ask? It’s a day not of gambling, but of health and fitness, if you can believe it. Much like a scavenger hunt, this 1-mile course will have poker chips set up at five different stations. It’s your job to collect them and then return them to Gregory Gym in exchange for a hand of poker. Who knows, you might even win a prize! Gregory Gym, 11:30 AM-1:30 PM Amanda Chappel

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Air It Out

Photos and Interviews by Brian Bogart

That’s what she said. What’s your favorite restaurant in Austin?

“Torchy’ changes every day but right now I have to say Torchy’s”

“219 West, my friend owns it and it’s great!”

Tiffany Nguyen

Tess Freydberg

“I would definitely say mom took me there for the first time when I came to Austin.”

“My favorite place to go is Uchi...good service, it’s kind of intimate, it’s amazing. There’s nothing like it in Austin.”

Brittany Jackson

Exer McArthur

“Old Pecan Street Cafe, it’s really good and has really good desserts.”

“My favorite place? ever been to Chinatown downtown? They’ve got karaoke and sake bombs, it’s just a lot of fun.”

Dear iPhone, Could you be more of a little bitch? My old phones might not have had apps that let me superimpose a mustache on to all my friends faces, but when I dropped them, they held it together. What happens next time I have to throw my phone Naomi Campbell style at some asshole. The iPhone never could have handled that. It would

SUBMIT TO AIR IT OUT! 1. Everything Anonymous – Not only are we giving you an opportunity to publicly air your grievances, we’re allowing you to hide behind the cowardly mask of anonymity to do it. So we don’t want your name. But we’re also extending that same courtesy to whomever you’re complaining about. If a wasted girl spilled food on you at Kerbey Lane, then call her “a girl.” We don’t need her name, date of birth, or UTEID. 2. Be Brief – Short and not–so–sweet is key. If you can’t say what you need in less than 250 words, than you’re rambling, not ranting. 3. Stay Specific – There’s a lot to be annoyed about on campus. We know. But please pick one issue, not seven, and avoid digressing. An open letter to whoever keeps shaving their pubes in the communal sink is good; a list of things you don’t like about living in the dorms is less so.

have crumbled like a little flower. Now I’m the asshole that has to run around Austin with a shattered screen. Thanks apple.

Sincerely, Fuck your otterbox 4. Powerful Language – At UWeekly, we write our own rules. We’re down to say a naughty word now and again. But there is a huge difference between the rare, well–placed profanity and a barely literate Youtube comment. Your critiques should be at least a little bit more cutting than “blah blah blah is a *@#&!!!” 5. To Whom It May Concern – Air It Out is publishing your open letters, so don’t forget to address them as such. Did some douche lose his lunch the last time you rode the E–Bus? Then open with “Dear Dude Who Barfed on the Bus.” And just because we’re not giving out your name doesn’t mean you can’t let him know who it’s from. Just sign it, “Sincerely, Everyone Else on the Bus.”

Nicole Kruijs

Courtney Cox | May 2, 2012


Photo: Vintagekits

The University of Texas at El Paso

may get to host a boxing match between Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. of Mexico and Andy Lee of Ireland at Sun Bowl Stadium after all. University of Texas System Chancellor Francisco Cigarroa has given the go-ahead to Diana Natalicio, president of UTEP, to move forward with contract negotiations that would allow them to host the highly anticipated event on the school’s campus. Earlier this week, Cigarroa decided that UTEP would not play host to the event, citing a risk assessment that noted the risk for the event was “higher than normal.” The decision


May 2, 2012 |

ignited a media frenzy and was met with indignation from El Paso politicians and community leaders, who accused the chancellor of tarnishing the city’s reputation. Following discussions with law enforcement officials over the last two days, Cigarroa reversed his decision and says the fight can go on if certain conditions are met. According to a statement released by the UT System, the conditions include: letters from key law officials stating that any increased risk factors can be reduced to a normal level, no alcoholic beverages may be sold at or brought to the event, neither the school nor the system will incur

May 2, 2012 |

any security costs beyond normal levels, a security plan, and written assurance from Natalicio that security concerns have been addressed.

“The process of my decision-making process resulted in angst and at times anger by the El Paso community, and I accept that,” he said. “But I cannot

No alcoholic beverages may be sold at or brought to the event. In a video message accompanying the release, Cigarroa praises the border region, and El Paso specifically. “This is a region that I grew up in, that I truly love, and that I admire,” he said.

apologize for my increased sensitivity about safety concerns on any campus across the University of Texas System.” Reeve Hamilton this article originally appeared The Texas Tribune.




When was the last time you ever heard me compliment Jerry Jones on his football prowess as an owner and GM? Besides catapulting the Cowboys into another stratosphere of commercial success, JJ has been making some questionable calls when it came to personnel for quite some time now and folks in Big D were just sick of it. That tune changed, however, when Dallas made a bold move on draft day and traded up to get Thorpe Award honoree Morris Claiborne of LSU in the first round. Although Jerry has made many a bold move before, they were usually ones that left Cowboy fans scratching their heads instead of erupting in applause the way the Claiborne draft did. It seems like Jerry got it right again. Although the Cowboys didn’t exactly have the greatest draft, there are still many things to like about this group, and you have to respect Dallas’s desire to commit on improving its defense. And as long as we’re talking about how the Cowboys did in the draft, how on earth could we not talk about the Texans? These days, they seem to be only one or two pieces away from being a serious contender. The good news: They got Jared Crick at a complete steal in the fourth round, barring any problems with his pectoral injury that knocked him out of his senior season, which seems to have healed nicely these days.

Congratulations to Keenan Robinson, Emmanuel Acho, and Kheeston Randall who all heard their names called throughout draft weekend. And a big salute to Blake Gideon, Justin Tucker, Christian Scott, David Snow, and Cody Johnson who all found their way onto NFL rosters as undrafted free agents. Hook ’em, fellas. Question: How sweet was Kevin Durant’s game-winning shot against the Mavericks in game one of their playoff series? Answer: Pretty fuckin’ sweet. Mere days into the NBA Playoffs and we already got our first complete choke of a game when the Grizzlies coughed up a 27point lead as they allowed the LA Clippers go on a 28-3 to close out the game. How do you spell Memphis Grizzlies, you ask? C-H-O-K-E. Poor Derrick Rose! Seriously, the guy is fresh off an injury that took him out for about half the season and then tears his ACL in the first game of the playoffs, effectively ending his year and possibly beyond. That’s just cruel. All I can say is I sincerely wish him a speedy recovery; but compounding injuries like this, especially one that’s as serious as an ACL tear, makes me fear for the longevity of his career. I certainly hope that’s not the case, because the NBA is better with him in it. Get well soon, D-Rose. Brian Bogart | May 2, 2012


Welcome to the NFL

Who came out on top in the NFL draft The NFL draft is a funny thing. No event in any major sport today garners so much hype for such an unpredictable circumstance, and yet every year countless football fans sit hunched over their laptops hitting “F5” every few seconds or so to see who’s still on the board. Even though we won’t know who the real winners and losers of this draft are until two to three years down the road, that won’t stop us from ranking who had a great draft day and who didn’t. After all, every one else is doing it and here at UWeekly, we just want to be like the cool kids. So sit back and read on as UWeekly breaks down the draft weekend that was for you. At least here you won’t have to keep hitting refresh as we automatically do that for you every Wednesday.

Winners Pittsburgh Steelers You ever wonder why the Steelers are such a wellrun organization? It’s because they put heavy emphasis on the whole “organization” part of their franchise. How else could you explain their ability to always get the best available player on the board and find a way to make him useful on their team? As far as talent development goes, the Steelers are right up there with the Packers and Patriots, and, given their penchant for being aggressive on the draft board, it’s no wonder Steel-town has more Super Bowl rings than any other franchise in the NFL. Plus, they got Stanford guard David DeCastro at an absolute steal when they nabbed him as the 24th overall pick. If there’s one thing Pittsburgh can do effectively, it’s coaching the guys in the trenches. Second-rounder Mike Adams from Ohio State was also a great value pick from the Steelers, as he originally projected to go mid-first round. What can you say? These guys just got it right.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers After being a fringe contender two years ago to falling to 4-12 in the last year, the Bucs needed a little somethin’-somethin’ to put that spring back in their step after a disappointing season. Their prayers were answered, however, when they got Alabama safety Mark Barron at a pretty decent spot in the first round and then moved up five spots in a deal with the Broncos to take Boise State running back Doug Martin. They also nabbed Nebraska linebacker Lavonte David in


May 2, 2012 |

the second round and everyone else in between projects to be solid, if unspectacular, NFL players. The real victory for Tampa Bay, however, came in filling their top three biggest needs with playmakers that project to contribute, and flourish, almost immediately. Oh yeah, not to mention the fact that Tampa signed former Longhorn Cody Johnson as an undrafted free agent once the weekend was over. Let the good times roll!

Robert Griffin III Sure, he wasn’t number one overall and, sure, so much of what he does will always be held in comparison to what it is Andrew Luck is able to accomplish on the field, but by being picked number 2 overall by the Washington Redskins, RGIII will be immediately handed every chance possible to succeed. Besides the fact that he’ll be working with Quarterback Whisperer Mike Shanahan, he’ll be walking into a team that only lost their division by one game, and as far as the NFL is concerned, the NFC East is a wideopen race every single year. RGIII will have the chance to contribute and contribute fast as everyone in Washington is salivating over their new prospect. Obtaining him may have cost them an arm and a leg, but as long as they have an extra finger somewhere to fit a Super Bowl ring, they’ll be happy.

Losers Denver Broncos If the Broncos were one of the biggest off-season winners by signing Peyton Manning to an

extensive and lucrative contract, they were one of the biggest draft day losers when it came to addressing certain needs. After trading out of the first round, Denver snatched Cincinnati defensive tackle Derek Wolfe in the second round, who is a good prospect but struggles against double teams and has been labeled by some as a slow mover. Not exactly the kind of speed on the defensive line Denver may have wanted, but, hey, that’s why we’re calling them “draft losers.”

Kirk Cousins I’ll be honest, I like this kid a lot. Besides being a three-year starter at Michigan State, the guy seems to have a certain know-how for the game that’s difficult to teach and a certain love for being a great teammate that’s damn near impossible to learn. That’s why it was so surprising to see him fall to the fourth round to be the eighth QB selected in the entire draft when he originally projected to go somewhere in the second. Besides that, he was drafted to Washington, of all places, who have made it very clear that RGIII is their guy for the future as far as the eye can see. It’ll certainly be hard to win a starting job over a guy like that. Sure, there may have been questions about his arm-strength and maybe KC won’t even stick around in Washington too long depending on how things pan out with RGIII and Rex Grossman. But Cousins will have a chance to prove himself sooner or later. When that time comes, he just better hope he’s ready.

Jacksonville Jaguars I mean, what can you say? It’s the Jags. You could probably count the number of things they’ve done right on one hand. That’s not to say they didn’t make some good moves, however, like when they traded up with Tamba Bay to snatch the most coveted receiver of the draft in Justin Blackmon. It was the middle-tolate rounds that really had pundits scratching their head as they went with punter Bryan Anger in the third round. Just let that soak in. In a team filled with more holes than my weekly penthouse orgies, the Jags went with a kicker in the third round? They didn’t even address their biggest need on the defensive line until the seventh round when they picked up 28-year-old Jeris Pendleton from Division II school Ashland out of Ohio. Brandon Weeden this kid ain’t. Brian Bogart

SHOOTIN’ THE SHIT Who will be the Cowboy’s quarterback in three years? -Matt Hirst Interesting question, Matt, because you are essentially daring me to declare whether the ‘Boys keep riding the Tony-Romo-train for the foreseeable future or if Romo’s time in Big D is coming to its end sooner than later. In all honesty, though, the only uncertainty surrounding TR’s future with Dallas is the perplexing progression of his career as a Cowboy. First, came love. For the most part, people all over Dallas were intrigued by their spunky new QB and thought his natural gifts lent themselves well to being “The Guy” for the Cowboys, all he needed was just a season or two to adjust and Dallas would be a contender in no time. Thus, the term “Romosexual” was born and everyone in CowboyNation was drinking the Romo Kool-Aid. Then just as quickly as it came, the love disappeared and was replaced with

what appeared to be a deep-seeded hatred for all things Tony Romo after a few disappointing seasons and more than a few questionable plays from the signal-caller when it came down to crunch-time. “Romosexual” became more of an insult than it was a badge of pride as Dallas continuously failed to make an impact in the playoffs. This spurned a sense of confusion for just about every Dallas fan in the nation who seemed compelled to proudly don their Tony Romo jersey one moment and then burn it in a mass grave of Romo memorabilia the next. Now, we find ourselves in the “who the fuck is this guy?!” phase as Tony Bro-mo is fresh off of a career year that still saw the Cowboys struggle holistically as a team. I don’t think anyone with a brain is really badgering Romo for how he performed this year, as it was really

the fault of the pathetic secondary and passrush that was the bane of Dallas’s existence last year, but like it or not the onus will always fall on the quarterback whenever a team succeeds and especially whenever a team struggles. The good news for Tony, though, is that he has Jerry “whatever I say goes and you can kiss my ass if you don’t like it” Jones as his team owner, and if there’s one thing Jerry has

slack whenever Romo is out of commission. If Dallas is going to build for the future from a QB standpoint, it better start soon in the next year or two because as much as JJ may love Tony, he ain’t gonna be around forever. To answer your question, though, I think Tony’s time in Dallas will be determined by how well the defense performs in the next couple seasons. I know that sounds weird, but if the defense can

made clear over the years, it’s that he loves himself some Tony Romo. Now is that going to exclude Dallas from drafting a blue-chip QB in the early rounds sometime in the next few years? I doubt it. If anything, it’s about hightime Dallas started actually taking that position seriously instead of relying on former Aggies and Kansas City Chiefs leftovers to pick up the

win games for them, it will help gain Romo more favor and will help extend his longevity in Big D. Given the way they drafted this year, it looks like the defense will be poised and ready so I’ll go ahead and say Tony Romo will still be the guy in three years time, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was also his last as a Cowboy. Brian Bogart | May 2, 2012 | May 2, 2012


Photo: UFC

This Week in facepunchin’ Invicta FC gives women’s MMA spotlight With no events from the big three organizations over the weekend, the stage was set for the upstart Invicta Fighting Championships to prove that women’s MMA deserves the spotlight. The all-female league featured some of the most notable female fighters in the sport, including former Strikeforce champion Marloes Coenen, who earned a unanimous decision over Romy Ruyssen in the main event. After the win, Coenen called out current Strikeforce women’s champion Ronda Rousey, who is one of the most hated fighters in the sport. Bellator veteran Jessica Penne was victorious in the co-main event, as she defeated Lisa Ellis-Ward via TKO in the third round after an action-packed bout. Strikeforce veteran and current Marine Liz Carmouche earned a TKO in less than two wand Leslie Smith fought to an exciting split draw in the fight of the night. In other action, 2008 Olympic bronze medalist in wrestling Randi Miller made a successful debut with a TKO over Mollie Estes.

Proctor from Team Faber, and Justin Lawrence, Vinc Pichel, and James Vick from Team Cruz in the quarterfinals. The UFC’s summer lineup started to take shape this past week, as it was announced that featherweight champion Jose Aldo will defend his title against Erik Koch at UFC 149 in July. Aldo was rumored to be moved to UFC 147 in his native Brazil after the Anderson Silva rematch with Chael Sonnen was moved to UFC 148 in July, but the champion reportedly won’t be ready for the fight in time. A heavyweight matchup between former UFC champion Antonio

free agents, as Bellator middleweight champion Hector Lombard signed with the organization after the expiration of his contract with the tournament-based organization. The Cuban Lombard was one of the first major coups for the upstart organization prior to its first season, and he won the title in the first 185-pound tournament before defending it just once against Alexander Shlemenko. Now signed with the UFC, Lombard will put his 25-fight unbeaten streak on the line. And for his first fight, he has called out current UFC middleweight champion Anderson Silva, who is ranked atop the sport’s pound-for-pound elite. Retired welterweight Nick Diaz is suing the Nevada State Athletic Commission for refusing to rule in an untimely manner on a temporary suspension that he received following UFC 143, where he lost in an interim title bout to Carlos Condit. After the fight, Diaz received the temporary suspension for having marijuana metabolites in his system, but Diaz claims that he is a medical marijuana patient in his home state of California and ceased using the drug eight days prior to his fight. Diaz’s lawyer is now suing the NSAC for failing to comply with a statute that requires the commission to rule on a suspension within 45 days of the original suspension, which would have been April 6. David McKinney

After the win, Coenen called out current Strikeforce women’s champion Ronda Rousey, who is one of the most hated fighters in the sport.

“The Ultimate Fighter: Live” continues to move through the first round matchups, as Chris Saunders became the seventh fighter to earn a spot in the quarterfinals with his decision win over Team Cruz’s Sam Sicilia on last week’s episode. The final spot in the quarterfinals will be up for grabs on this week’s episode, as Team Cruz will send Mike Rio to the cage against Team Faber’s Andy Ogle. The winner will join Saunders, Michael Chiesa, Al Iaquinta, and Joe


May 2, 2012 |

Rodrigo Nogueira and longtime contender Cheick Kongo will also be part of UFC 149. UFC 150 is set for August 11 in December, and the event will be headlined by a rematch between current UFC lightweight champion Benson Henderson and former champion Frankie Edgar. Henderson took a unanimous decision over Edgar at UFC 144 in February, and Edgar will likely get one last shot at the title before he decides to drop to 145 pounds. The UFC signed another one of the sport’s top




Bri Bagwell THURSDAY MAY 3rd

“The Whiskey’s on Ice and the Music’s on Fire”


Nocturnal Wonderland, you were great. Scantily-clad women, that one DJ who helped Rihanna find love in a hopeless place and churros: Nocturnal, you had at all. Therefore, in celebration of your greatness we reminisce on some of the most memorable moments of your EDM music festival.

When Aoki dropped “Warp 1.9,” everyone lost their mind. Aoki jumped onto the stage platform, encouraging the audience to yell at the top of their lungs, which they did obediently. It was wild and crazy, but undoubtedly awesome.

Best performance of Friday night: AraabMuzik Imagine if legendary jazz drummer Buddy Rich exchanged his traditional acoustic drums for a pair of electronic Akai MPCs. The result would be hip-hop-turned-EDM-DJ AraabMuzik. The producer has recently become a part of the EDM world, and his live shows have contributed greatly to his positive reception. Most DJs push and move a few a buttons; AraabMuzik hits an assortment of buttons, producing an arsenal of sounds that hit you like a brick to the face. AraabMuzik’s performance was the best on Friday because of how charismatic he is. Seriously, what other DJ do you know that creates an electronic drum solo in between their set, and smoothly transitions into the instrumental for Lil Wayne’s “A Milli?” I think we were all waiting for the moment when AraabMuzik’s MPCs would explode from the sheer ferocity being exerted from his fingertips, but luckily, that did not happen.

Coolest costume: Jack in the Box Guy / Super Mario collective A lot of people dressed up for Nocturnal, but the best costumes went to some guy dressed as the Jack in the Box spokesman (Jack), and a group of friends dressed as Super Mario characters. It was hilarious seeing Jack randomly in the crowd, bobbing his egg-shaped head in all directions. It was like finding Waldo, but with Jack, and him being surrounded by a sea of MDMA (“Molly” as the cool kids call it) heads and shuffle-savvy dancers. The Super Mario collective was in full effect. Mario, Wario, Luigi, Waluigi and Yoshi; it was phenomenal. I guess Mario was tired of breaking Peach out of Bowser’s fortress, so he decided to find an EDM queen on the side.

Top awkward moment: seeing a guy snort coke

Best performance of Saturday night: Steve Aoki Duh. Of course Steve Aoki had the best performance of Saturday night. A raft, champagne and birthday cake: all the bare necessities to any Aoki performance. Dropping some of his latest tracks, the producer had no problem making the crowd jump, his wub-wub-wub bass drops causing the Nocturnal grounds to shake in terror.

Do not get me wrong, do what you like, but seeing a dude snort some white powder a mere four inches away from you is undeniably awkward. I don’t really know what more to say than that.

Worst costume: the many girls who looked like the blue opera singer from The Fifth Element It was cool at first, but as the women began to multiply, Nocturnal Wonderland slowly began to turn into a futuristic space desert. Head pieces that lit up wildly, fishnet

stockings and vibrant neon face paint: almost every girl looked like a descendant of the opera singer from The Fifth Element. Whatever, at least none of them sang like her. Now that would have sucked.

Most overpriced item that was crucial to our survival: bottled water Three dollars for a bottle of water, and 10 dollars for a water container that you could ref ill for free (but still suf fer because the water of fered was scorching hot)? I understand you have to make a prof it, but that ’s prett y ridiculous. Ravers need their daily supply of water to keep hydrated and keep their f istpump strong. Of course we all gave in to the demands of Nocturnal and their overpriced drink s, but come on. At least put out a couple of water hoses to spray ourselves with.

Laugh tr to happi Laughter Yoga is as

world on its path t We’ve all heard the expression that laughter is the best medicine. But where do we get a prescription for this medicine, and is it covered by our health insurance? Luckily, as of now, one doesn’t need a prescription. All that is required is attendance at a Laughter Yoga class. The brainchild of Dr. Madan Kataria, a Physician from Mumbai, India, launched the first Laughter Club at a Park on March 13, 1995, with only a handful of persons. Today, it has become a worldwide phenomenon with more than 6000 Social Laughter Clubs in about 60 countries. Clinical research on Laughter Yoga methods, conducted at the University of Graz in Austria, Bangalore, India, and in the United States has proved that Laughter lowers the level of stress hormones (epinephrine, cortisol, etc.) in the

Coolest stage: The Sunken Garden

Greatest quote: “Hey man, are you AraabMuzik?” Upon leaving AraabMuzik’s set on Friday I received an awesome t-shirt with his name on it. Little did I know that Nocturnal had no idea of what AraabMuzik looked like, and the fact that so many people asked me if I was AraabMuzik attests to that. Here is an exact recount of a conversation I had with someone: Unknown guy: “Hey, are you AraabMuzik?” Me: “Yes.” Unknown guy: “Are you Mexican?” Me: “Dominican.” Unknown guy: “Damn. Well, I’m a big fan.” You have no idea how much I wanted to laugh in this guy’s face.

The Sunken Garden stage was definitely off the chain most of the time, especially at night. A decentsized stage in the form of a large pirate boat, The Sunken Garden is controlled by an arsenal of EDM DJs, each wanting your booty to move and groove. In the wee hours of the night, crowd members were encouraged to get on the boat and dance wildly. Trust me, such happened on both nights.

Best Texas-based performer: crizzly San Antonio’s very own Crizzly has been making a killing for quite some time now. His dubstep remix of Waka Flocka Flame’s “Hard in da Paint” has been played by the likes of many, including wellknown producer/DJ Diplo. Crizzly’s Saturday night performance was incredible; fusing raunchy hip-hop with glitchy dubstep, the artist had fans popping, locking and dropping it for well over an hour. He also brought a blowup doll onstage, and you know a show’s good when a blowup doll is involved. There you have it. Thanks Nocturnal Festival for making my ears ring with EDM greatness. Make your drinks a little more cheaper, and I’ll see you next time. Eli Watson

rack iness ssisting the

towards well-being blood and fosters a positive and hopeful attitude. The research that has shown that laughter helps your brain produce dopamine and serotonin has lead to a number of different social initiatives to help those in less than ideal conditions. Laughter Yoga sessions have been held in prisons, nursing homes, and assisted living facilities. Even for those suffering from good, old-fashioned depression, laughter’s sheer ability to oxygenate the body, generate serotonin, and increase your heart rate has assisted many dealing with personal melancholia. For Laughter Yoga teacher Carla Brown, Laughter Yoga has been instrumental in forming another dimension to her personality, adding levity to an otherwise very serious personality. “I am a very intense person and too hard on

myself,” said Brown. “After practicing for a little while, I felt more light-hearted, compassionate and generous, with the ability to move through difficult situations with a little more ease.” Unlike orgasms, you can fake it till you make it when it comes to laughter. Scientific research holds that the brain can’t discern the difference between real or fake smiles or laughter. So whether you have the sense of humor of Rodney Dangerfield or Rick Santorum, one can no doubt reap the rewards of Laughter Yoga. The classes move through a number of different exercises (breathing, pantomiming, secular group chanting) to engender a space in which laughter and joy are contagious. Going through our rote lives we rarely have the opportunity for play. No one ever demands it from us. However, our brains get infected (mirror neurons) when we see others laughing, bringing the opportunity and desire to do the same— monkey see, monkey do. “Not only is laughter good for the person that practices it, that energy and joy has a tendency to spread and makes a difference amongst people whom they interact with,” said Austin Laughter Club leader Lynn West. “We forget that joy is contagious, and we forget to cheer for each other.”

Indeed, contrary to our tendency to try to think our way out of problems, laughter can provide an open window in which our thinking ceases and answers are allowed to show themselves. After all, the best ideas from captains of industry come when they are on the golf course. In addition to fostering individual well-being, Laughter Yoga International’s goal, regardless of how lofty it might seem, is world peace. Imagine: World leaders and politicians just laughing together for no reason. Monty Python’s John Cleese calls laughter “a force for democracy.” And in a time of waning answers and waxing problems, it seems to be the only, and cheapest, solution. “There are a lot of serious problems in the world,” said West. “However, I think laughing is a critical need, especially in a time period when optimism isn’t in the air... and the more we can do that for ourselves, the better we can deal with those serious matters.” Sunday is World Laughter Day. This Sunday, the Austin Laughing Club will celebrate with a free laughter session at Zilker Park. For more information regarding Laughter Yoga in Austin, visit William M. Bass

Three benefits of Laughter Yoga

1 2 3

Laughter exercises can increase net supply of oxygen to our body and brain which helps to improve efficiency and performance.

Laughter Yoga reduces stress and strengthens the immune system. It lowers blood pressure, adrenaline and cortisol levels while increasing oxygen capacity and absorption. Anyone can laugh when times are good, but Laughter Yoga teaches people to laugh unconditionally so that they can laugh even when times are hard. | May 2, 2012


Stevie Ryan gears up for round two Stevie TV renewed for second season

Although Stevie Ryan has been creating hilarious sketches and improvisational videos for years, it’s only recently that she’s been cast into the same limelight as many of her comedic victims: other celebrities and reality TV stars. With her first season on VH1 still ongoing, last week, fans of Ryan were treated

has based her career upon, Ryan brings a whole new perspective to making fun of celebrity culture. Although, to be fair, Ryan doesn’t bash celebrities so much as she points out their flaws and idiosyncrasies simply by reenacting them. You see,

“What’s most impressive about Ryan is that her facial features and body structure seem to morph into exactly whoever it is she’s attempting to impersonate.” to an excited YouTube video announcement of her forthcoming second season. “I wanted to say thank you so much to all the people that have been watching and supporting Stevie TV,” said Ryan. “The response has been overwhelming. First season isn’t even done yet, and I have the greatest thing in the world to tell you guys: we just got picked up for a second season of Stevie TV bitches!” While Ryan’s style is uniquely her own, it does have a similar focus as another celebrity-obsessed comedian. If you were to take Kathy Griffin, reduce her age, give her props and a video camera, we’re certain it would be very similar to Stevie TV. Based upon the same celebrity bashing that Griffin


May 2, 2012 |

celebrities have a way of fooling you into thinking they’ve got their shit together, but by Ryan impersonating them flawlessly, you realize just how hilariously stupid half the people on TV really are. What’s most impressive about Ryan is that her facial features and

body structure seem to morph into exactly whoever it is she’s attempting to impersonate. This ability to shapeshift leads you to believe that impersonating others is a gift, a calling, something she was put on Earth to do. Not only does Ryan make piss-your-pantshilarious sketch parodies of celebrities such as Amy Winehouse, Kim Kardashian and Deena from Jersey Shore (also known as “not Snooki”), she also punctuates her show with recurring characters such as gang-banger Lil Loca and Katrina, the fifteen-year-old who dropped out of school to be on Bang Bus. But be warned! Once you’ve been exposed to comedic genius of Ryan, don’t be surprised at how many hours you spend in front of your computer endlessly watching Ryan’s parodies on YouTube. Amanda Chappel | May 2, 2012

Working with children Being queer doesn’t make you a predator On April 25 Den Mother Jennifer Tyrrell of the Boy Scouts of America’s Ohio Cub Scouts Troop 109 was thrown out of the organization for being a lesbian. Although Tyrrell was open about her orientation and even presented her orientation to the other parents as well as the local club master before assuming the role of Den Mother, her orientation is still the reason she was asked to leave. In fact, it was only one other person, a fellow troop leader, who made the complaint that ultimately lead to her dismissal. But because The Boy Scouts of America is a private organization, it maintains the right to exclude gays and atheists from its organization.

“My son asked me last night, ‘Why did Jen leave? Why is she in trouble?’ He doesn’t understand,” said Sabinsky.

What issue?

This raises a much larger issue in the context of our culture, and that’s the labeling of gays and queers as potential predators and teachers of immorality. Parents, who are required to attend the troop meetings, report that they never heard Tyrrell speak of her orientation or give any lessons on the issue. Yet it was this premise that the Boy Scouts upheld their archaic policy banning gays from participating in the organization. “The flawed logic Picket signs While the that homosexuality is a What might dismissal of gay be the most men from the glitch in our personality caused touching and position of Troop inspiring aspect Leader is much by childhood molestation seems to of this story is more common, still ring true to those who that the parents and seemingly of the scouts she more tolerated, govern institutions that led have rallied the fact that Tyrrell focus on children.” behind her cause, is a woman and even organizing and was honest about her participating in a protest inclination seems to prove outside of the church where her trustworthiness. the troop meetings are held. While it’s Even though the LGBTQ community still uncertain who made the complaint, has made great strides in acquiring equal children of the pack as well as their parents rights for this segment of society, this event are very upset by the decision. is evidence that we still have a long way to In an attempt to “protect” kids from having go, especially for those of us who choose to to think about the issues of sexual orientation, work with children. now the children of Ohio’s Cub Scouts Troop It seems that, as adults working side-by109 have to think about much deeper issues side, the issue of homosexuality is far more such as bigotry, prejudice and injustice. tolerated. But when it comes to working Parents like Crystal Sabinsky and Rob Dunn with children, many queers go on living in now have to answer some tough questions silence for fear of retaliation similar to what their children are pointing to them. Tyrrell experienced. Sadly, this is the reason “The only people who were hurt were many teachers, coaches, instructors and the kids,” said Dunn. “They’re asking other childcare professionals live in fear of questions they shouldn’t have to ask at losing their jobs and their livelihood. And as this point.” Tyrrell’s case shows, although the majority Many of the boy scouts had no idea of the population might be OK with your that Tyrrell is a lesbian, or even what that lifestyle choice, all it takes is one person to means at this point. rock the boat and ruin things for everyone.


May 2, 2012 |

Inappropriate relationships The saddest part about this whole situation is that working with children is a calling. You can’t force yourself to do it, to like it or to be good at it. If you’ve found a great teacher for your child, would you want them to be dismissed based upon something as private and personal as their sexual orientation? Any way you slice it, children are the ones who suffer from the prejudiced, biased decisions made by the adults in their lives. The flawed logic that homosexuality is a glitch in our personality caused by childhood molestation still seems to ring true to those who govern institutions that focus on children. The equally faulty logic that gays are prone to inappropriate relationships with children is asinine, archaic and isn’t

based upon any empirical evidence. Perhaps the idea is that if no child is molested by a person of the same gender, then homosexuality will cease to exist. While it’s a nice theory, it simply won’t work. It won’t work because homosexuality isn’t a choice, and it isn’t triggered by childhood trauma. Unfortunately, there are homosexuals who have been molested by people of their same gender, but not every queer has had that experience. The generalization that they have is what leads people in positions of authority to make the wrong decision about how to deal with this. Although these administrative professionals might have the right intentions in mind, their actions are causing far more damage to the innocence of childhood than they might realize. Amanda Chappel

celine suarez

The Walking Dead Episode 1 For the fans of the graphic novels and the TV show The Walking Dead, Telltale Games has released a video game based on the world of The Walking Dead. Be excited, because this game doesn’t disappoint. The game focuses around the story of an unknown character named Lee Everett. This is a man that may have committed murder, but in a town overridden with zombies it’s almost an asset. Telltale games has made it clear that although you may not be playing as Rick Grimes, the sheriff from the comic book series, you will be meeting plenty of characters from the TV show and/or comic book. The game is released in five different episodes, each one costing 400 Microsoft points ($5). On PC, you can get a season pass (which is 5 episodes) for roughly $24.99. A new episode will be released every month, and apparently you won’t have the same friends or enemies as the game progresses. This is an interesting method of releasing the game. The first one has already come out and has gotten phenomenal reviews. Most players love the storytelling aspect of the game, but those of you who hate great dialogue and exposition will think it’s a waste of money. Keep in mind that there won’t be mindless killing like every other zombie game because most of the zombies you encounter will be people you know. It’s available for digital download only, and for $5 I’d say it’s worth a try.

others, but his adventures are truly classic and will probably reprise for the Wii U. Nintendo is deciding to not show as much love for Kirby as the other characters. They will only be releasing a compilation disc of “your favorite Kirby games.” Mario got a whole bunch of goodies while Link got an entire orchestra dedicated to his awesomeness. Apparently this compilation disc will have some neverbefore-released game content. Hopefully it’s not another arcade game slapped with Kirby’s face. Kirby Pinball was fun, but at that point you’re just milking the cow dry.

Kirby’s 20th Anniversary

Free Game: Earthbound

Amongst all of the latest birthdays with Metroid, Mario, and Link, it’s finally time for another classic character to be celebrated. Kirby, the curious little pink creature has managed to swallow up 20 years as a franchise. Some games were more memorable than

So I’m sure this sounds too good to be true, so allow me to elaborate. I’ve forgotten to mention the use of emulators in the past. If you’ve got a PC or a Mac, you can download emulators that will put consoles like the SNES, NES, and N64 onto your computer. With these emulators, you can download ROMS that will allow you to play any game that you can download. If you’ve missed playing the oldschool Sonic the Hedgehog, you can easily

There won’t be mindless killing like every other zombie game because most of the zombies you encounter will be people you know.

play it on your computer. If you’ve never played Super Mario: The Lost Levels, you can download the original and discover what true madness is. If you’ve never managed to finish a game, you can have unlimited lives and finally destroy the final boss. The best part about emulators and ROMS is that they take up a very small amount of space. Now if you’re a big fan of RPGs, then you need to download Earthbound. This game is about a kid named Ness who is trying to save his planet from evil aliens. Simple enough, but the quirky music and self-referencing dialogue make the game memorable. Earthbound also makes fun of RPGs in the process and has hilarious enemies like the dirty hippie (who gets confused a lot) and a mushroom (take that, Mario). The game was never released in the US, which puts the price of its cartridge at $200 and up. Celine Suarez | May 2, 2012


Summer is basically here We’ve all come pretty far this school semester. We’ve survived hellish 8AM classes and gotten so addicted to Red Bull that we may actually believe we have wings. Now we’re at the home stretch: finals/dead week. Now is not the time to reflect on what corner you may have thrown up in this year or the ridiculous amount of Plucker’s wings you may have consumed on a late-night munchies spree. Remember to remain focused and make it to the end. After all, lazy days and crazy nights await you this summer.

Ray Charles tops hologram poll? When a hologram of the late rapper Tupac Shakur appeared on-stage with Snoop Dogg at the recent Coachella music festival, it brought about one big and important question: Who will be the next artist to get their own hologram? Well, in a recent poll with E-Poll Market Research, the late blues pianist Ray Charles was chosen among users as who they hoped would get their own hologram next. Strangely, Michael Jackson barely missed the top ten spot, getting beaten out by iconic rock guitarist Jimi Hendrix. And reggae legend Bob Marley also made it fairly high on the list, taking in sixth place. It makes sense: seeing a blown-out-of-hismind holographic Marley or Hendrix setting his guitar on fire would be pretty amazing.


May 2, 2012 |

Dentist pulls out exboyfriend’s teeth after split Yikes. This is type of stuff you would expect to see in a rated-R revenge movie. A polish woman is currently facing three years in prison after she removed all of her ex-boyfriend’s teeth during dental surgery just days after their breakup. Giving him a “heavy dose” of anesthetic, dentist Anna Mackowiak

slowly began to take out ex-boyfriend Marek Olszewski’s teeth. It definitely sucks to be Olszewski; aside from having all of his teeth pulled out, the poor guy will have to pay a pretty hefty amount to get teeth replacements, and lost his new girlfriend when she saw him toothless. Remember guys: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Eli Watson

Photos:Alan Bernstein


MAY 4TH 2:00 PM




IN CASH AND PRIZES | May 2, 2012


C hampagne of Bars

n Photos: Eli Watso


WHITE HORSE 500 Comal St. Open 7 days a week 2pm to 2am


Wednesday, may 2



Robert Allan Caldwell: 7-9p Cledus Got Shot: 10p John Evans: midnight

thursday, may 3 Elsa Cross: 7-9p Adam Lee & The Dead Horse Sound Co: 10p Mike & The Moonpies: midnight

friday, may 4 Bluegrass HH w/Austin Steamers: 7-9p 2 Hoots & A Holler: 10p Roger Wallace: midnight

saturday, may 5 Benefit show for The Equals/Revival Fund:

The Harvest Thieves: 4p The Equals: 5p Franny & Zooey: 6p Sideshow Tragedy: 7p The Revenants: 8p El Pan: 9p Lord Buffalo: 10p Salesman: 11:15 The Dalles: 12:30 for more listings.

Vicious Viv 24

May 2, 2012 |

e & Michael Huerequ Photos: EliWatson

Kappa Delta Chi ’s Young, Wild and Free event @ Karma

Photos: Michael


You’re this week’s winner! Contact us on Facebook to collect $25!*

the white horse 500 Comal Street

*If your face is circled, you’re this week’s winner of Barstars! Contact us Mon through Wed (9–5 p.m.) to collect $25 cash! (Be sure to Facebook us to let us know you won!) | May 2. 2012


Super Crossword

Crypto Quip This is a simple substitution cipher in which each letter used stands for another. If you think that X equals O, it will equal O throughout the puzzle. Solution is accomplished by trial and error.


May 2, 2012 |


Clue: k EQUALS t


the impossibles

’90s band reunite to sold-out shows

The ’90s are making a comeback. Joining the ranks with At The Drive-In and Refused, Austin’s own The Impossibles will reunite after ten years playing two soldout shows on June 9 and 10 at The Mohawk. Rory Phillips, guitarist/vocalist, said that the timing was coincidental though. The idea had been festering for a while but when Gabe Hascall returned to Austin after living in Portland, Craig Tweedy talked about leaving to Phoenix and the 10-year mark was approaching from their last reunion, the members got together over dinner at Phillips’ house and planned out the logistics. Phillips sat down with UWeekly to talk about the reunion and how he took in the response from their fans.

You said you had no idea, but it sold out.

they’re flying in to see you. How does it feel knowing that?

Right, yeah. Apparently we could have maybe done it somewhere larger. I’m glad we’re doing it where we are because I think it’ll be the perfect intimacy, and also I really like playing at Mohawk. The multi-tiered audience thing is really cool from on-stage. Hopefully, people will enjoy it, the ones who are watching, as much as I’ll enjoy playing there. But yeah, it was a complete and total surprise. We definitely were ready to spend the four months leading up to the show trying to sell tickets and we’re thinking maybe in the last two weeks before the show, it’ll finally sell out. That’s kind of how it was the last time when we did our last show. It didn’t sell out until right before it. That was more of what we were expecting, and then it sold out in eight hours, which just blew everyone away. I honestly still don’t

It’s awesome. It puts the pressure on us to deliver a really great show which I think is probably a good thing. We were actually really lucky to have a pretty strong national following enough to be able to tour. That’s not always easy to do, so in the absence of being able to do a tour and go see all these people, it’s awesome that they’re willing to come here. I think the fact that the show is in Austin has something to do with that as well. I think that people already come here for SXSW and it’s kind of a destination now. I think that makes it easier. People want to come back here. I know one of our fans is super excited about coming and having avocado margaritas at Curra’s. It’s not just The Impossibles to come to Austin. You’re coming to a cool city and you’re going to see a show

“You’re going to see a show that you loved ten years ago and maybe never got to see live when we were originally together or just haven’t seen since then.” really know how that happened. We had a nice national push for it through Fueled by Ramen, the label that put out our records. They helped us put it together with a YouTube trailer, and they got Alternative Press on board with doing the exclusive announcement nationally, so it seemed like that really helped with that initial push. But I’m still curious if the reason it sold out is because so many people from across the country bought tickets or if people just bought them to scalp them or what, because I honestly have no idea.

I read on Facebook and Twitter when you announced the show that people are flying in or they are saying that

that you loved ten years ago and maybe never got to see live when we were originally together or just haven’t seen since then.

The music is very youthful and has that ’90s vibe. You guys are older now, so when you had that first practice, did you feel that youthful spirit again? Oh, absolutely. I mean, it’s really awesome. It’s like telling yourself a joke and being able to laugh at it. Because you’ll go through and figure out these chord changes, and the chord progressions for some of these Impossibles songs are insane. They make absolutely no musical sense whatsoever. At a point,

it’s almost like you learn too much. Producing music, like I did for awhile, you start saying, “OK. Well, no, the chord progression should go like this, this and this,” and there are certain formats and norms for the way the music is made. The music that we were making at 17 just did not give a shit about any of that, and so it’s awesome. I would go through and try to figure out a chord progression and be like, “It goes here? That is amazing.” Singing a song like “Francis,” which was about my teddy bear, I really enjoy it. I think towards the end of the band’s second run, I was starting to get a little embarrassed about it. Maybe I was taking myself too seriously or I don’t know what. I wanted to be making...

Serious music. Serious music, yeah. Or whatever. But now I can completely enjoy it without any sense of shame whatsoever. I’m just really recapturing that spirit that kind of fueled us originally, and I think it’s something that people liked about the band. We were just very enthusiastic and fun and not taking ourselves too seriously.

Do you feel there’ll be another reunion later on in life or ten years? Like, another show? Um, yeah. I don’t see any reason why there wouldn’t be. It’ll be a little bit logistically different, because, like I said, Craig won’t be around for a little bit here. But until there is some sort of serious burning of bridges between us and we hate each other, I don’t see any reason why we wouldn’t do it. Everyone seems to enjoy the music, and it’s nostalgic, and it’s fun. Who knows. It could be five years. It could be ten years. It could be next year. There’s really no way to say. sarah Vasquez | May 2, 2012




Ziggy Marley

The Strange Boys

@ ACL Live at the Moody Theatre, 310 W Willie Nelson Blvd

@ The Mohawk, 912 Red River

@ McCullough Theatre, 2390 Robert Dedman Dr

►►Also Worthy

►►Also Worthy

►►Also Worthy

Weird Wednesday: Emanuelle in Bangkok

The Avengers

Sarah Jaffe

Press Pause Play

Bowling for Soup

Screaming Females

The Chinaman Mark Brittan

The Baker Family

Master Pancake Theatre: Jurassic Park

Black Owl Society

UT Jazz Ensemble

Robert Kraft Trio

Dirty Charlie Band

Zlam Dunk

Death Cab for Cutie



Will bass 28

Joan Jonas: The Shape, the Scent, and the Feel of Things

Austin has always been an incubator for garage rock. From the hallowed grounds of Beerland to the smoke-infested clubhouse of Trailer Space, Austin’s garage rock scene is quite ripe at the moment. One of the all-stars of the scene is the not-so Strange Boys. The Boys have been setting the bar for attitude, idiocy, and darn catchy tunes in Austin for a couple of years now, even garnering glowing reviews from Pitchfork and Rolling Stone. Catch ’em before they get all big and uncool.

We need not pine away for some sort of Bob Marley hologram to pop up during one of his offsprings’ shows in order to take part in his music and message. Marley’s sons are deftly carrying the torch of the Marley name, interpreting it through the prism of their own musical inclinations. As opposed to the more dancehall and hip-hop leanings of his brother Damien, Ziggy’s apple falls a little closer to the tree. Mixing a menagerie of styles (world music, reggae, and singer songwriter), Ziggy’s name is apt for his musical style.

The top events & shows in Austin this week


Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

Cap City Comedy Club, 1820 Research Blvd Hole in the Wall, 2538 Guadalupe Beerland, 711 Red River

Alamo S Lamar, 1120 S Lamar Parish, 214 E 6th

Frank, 401 Colorado Bates Hall

Beauty Ballroom, 2015 E Riverside

If you turn your eyes over to the Texas Performing Arts Center on the UT campus, you’ll see that Austin brings in some of the most intriguing figures in dance, music, theatre and performance art, saving us all some money on a plane ticket to New York. This week is no exception as Joan Jonas’s piece will run at the McCullough theatre. The video installation, accompanied by a live jazz score, “is the journey the German art historian Aby Warburg made in the 1890s to the American Southwest to visit the Hopi reservation. The experience of witnessing Hopi ceremonies and culture profoundly altered his theories of art.”

Parish, 214 E 6th Red 7, 611 E 7th

Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

Continental Club, 1315 S Congress ACL Live, 310 W Willie Nelson Blvd

May 2, 2012 |





2815 GU







The Whiskey Sisters @ Continental Club, 1315 S Congress

These two lovely ladies kick out some crunchy jams, jams that you can spread over any rock ’n’ roll toast.

►►Also Worthy

The Deep Dark Woods

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers @ Frank Erwin Center, 1701 Red River

Now that he no longer has to pretend to be a redneck on King of the Hill every week—he voiced the character of Lucky—Tom Petty is back to the thing he does best. No, not crocheting; rockin’ in the free world! Petty and his band of merry men will be showing all you young folks how the old-timers do it. Ew, that’s gross! Regina Spektor will get the crowd warmed up as people find their seats.

Zang: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure @ Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

5 out of 4 doctors recommend that you spend more time with your bro, bro-bonding. Doing things together with your bro like polishing off a 12-pack of Steel Reserve or going to see Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure—the combination of the two will have you and your bro singing Dave Matthews Band together by the end of the night—are activities that can increase the connection between you and your bro. In addition, Bill and Ted provide excellent brole-models. Tickets:


Stubb’s, 803 Red River

Hot Club of Cowtown

Continental Club, 1315 S Congress

Music Monday: Iconoclast Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth Red 7, 611 E 7th


Reservoir Dogs: Mr. Blonde in person @ Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

►►Also Worthy

►►Also Worthy

Quiet Company

Free Public Laughter: Laughter Yoga

Scoot Inn Summer of Soul

Social Distortion

Karaoke Underground: Punk and Indie Classics

Cocker Spaniels

The Mohawk, 912 Red River

►►Also Worthy

Three Amigos: All you can eat tacos

Parish Underground: Stumbledrunk

Terror Tuesday: Miracle Mile

Parish, 214 E 6th

Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

Redd Volkaert

Pecan Street Festival


Beauty Ballroom, 2015 E Riverside Scoot Inn, 1308 E 4th

Nomad Bar, 1213 Corona Dr Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

Continental Club, 1315 S Congress

Zilker Park

This is, no doubt, one of the coolest movies of all time. It is probably even cooler with Mike Madsen, who played Mr. Blonde, attending in person for a little old fashioned Q-and-A. Tickets:

Stubb’s, 803 Red River

Downtown, 7th and Neches

Emo’s East, 2015 E Riverside | May 2, 2012


►►Blind Pig

►►Mooseknuckle Pub

317 E 6th

406 E 6th

$2.50 wells/domestics

$2 Anything

►►Tiniest Bar in Texas

►►The Library

817 W 5th

407 E 6th

$3 Jack, Jim, and Jager

$1 Domestics, Wells, $2 Import Bottles

►►Dizzy Rooster

Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar

►►Cain and Abel’s

306 E 6th

2313 Rio Grande

$2 wells/domestics/jello shots

$8 32 oz. Texas Teas from 7 PM-close

2716 Guadalupe

►►Rooftop Bar 103 East 5th Street

317 E 6th

$4 Long Island Teas

$4 bombs

►►Darwin’s Pub

►►Shakespeare’s Pub ►►Buffalo Billiards

223 E 6th

201 E 6th

$2 wells/domestics from 12-9 PM

$3 Imperial



409 W 30th

409 W 30th

$4.95 Sangria ritas

$4.50 Ritas

►►Coyote Ugly

►►Ginger Man

Honestly, this has got to be one of my favorite bars in the entire domain of Sixth Street. Every night at Pete’s, two pianists square off on opposing pianos singing songs at the audience’s request in exchange for tips. More often than not, patrons from other universities besides Texas show up and request their fight song which almost always turns into a war between all of the schools that happen to be represented that evening while the piano players make monster tips playing fight songs they’ve already done hundreds of times before (so everyone wins!). They’ll even tell jokes too, as one night in particular I was in the middle of a nasty stand-off with a bunch of smelly Aggies, I tipped one of the pianists five bucks to tell one of my favorite Aggie jokes: “What do a Longhorn and an Aggie have in common? They both applied to UT.” After that, the Aggies backed off a bit and I was free to enjoy the rest of my night, which was a very easy thing to do at a place like Pete’s.

Brian Bogart

►►Maggie Mae’s

501 E 6th

301 Lavaca

323 E 6th

$2.50 wells and wine

Logo Pint Night

$2 Wells


►►Dizzy Rooster


212 E 6th

306 E 6th

1004 24th

$1 wells/Miller High Life

$2 Domestic/Wells/Jello Shots

$2 Tecates and Modelo Esp. $5 Deer and Beer

►►Bikini’s Sports Bar & Grill

►►Rain on 4th


6901 I-35

217 W 4th

208 E 6th

$4 Big Daddy Drafts

$1.50 Lite Beers, $2.50 Wells

$2 Vodka Bombs


ou whine y to n te s li to e m ti e o we have th


Hell yes we do.

Beard & Bang is currently seeking new talent to represent in Austin, Tx. Send in your sample mp3s, music links, and other band info to If we like what we hear, we’ll get in touch!

Stylish Furniture Package Included w/ 32" Flat Screen TV in Each Living Room · Green Living · Wi-Fi throughout the community 24 hour Play Action Lounge · Concierge Service · Controlled Electronic Building Access · Elevator with electronic key access

24 hour strength and cardio center · Salt water pool with sun deck terrace · Poolside Wifi · Outdoor sportsplex · Private study rooms with computers · Multi-level garage parking · 24 hour emergency maintenance · Private balcony for each apartment Free cable and internet · RoomSync roommate matching service

May 2, 2012