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Misprint Campus Events are . free’to the Universfty community, but ifyou want to , be sure it gets in, cash helps. A lot. Deadline is Tuesdav noon, unless we have too mcky this’ week in which case it’s j whenever the door is shut+,+ Don’t bother to knock. Fridayy December lo Chinese Christian Fellowship presents Bible Study on Isaiah 61: l-3. All are . welcome. Chinese Crokinole Society will meet in CC 110 to proclaim the acceptable year of the -.Ldrd, and the day of-vengeance of our God; to,comfort all that mourn for the game we lost against U of T last week. Christmas party at 157 Albert St. with Rev. Paul and Kathy. Bosch. Supper, carolling, cookies and cocoa as well as the “Messiah” , by firelight. The Birth Control Centre offers free, confidential, on-the-sly, subtle and. wrapped in a plain brown paper bag advice on birth control. VD, herpes, and what to do if you have un in the oven. Right t.o Lifers dispose service - ask for Mat. ’ Muddy Mug Coffee House L Enjoy the company of religious wimpsif youcan’t make it to the Bombshelter. Bombshelter: real men drink alcohol L . guess who drinks coffee and tea after 7:00 p:m.? Come and watch the Tecks vs. Thorn show. Disintegrated Cinema presents something toogood to mention in public. It might even be illegal. Check it out. PAS 2083,7:00. hr

I- Saturday, Benefit for p.m. Recreation’ _Waterloo. kiddies. A information.

Dec. il-

Global Community Centre:&00 Adult 12:00 a.m., Waterloo Centre, - 185 King St. S., $3.00 adults, $1.50 seniors, coffee house! Call 743-7111 for

The Magic Minstrel - with the Huggett Family. Preschoolers to 8 year olds. $3.00 children twelve and under,and seniors. $3.50 all others. Tickets at UW Box Office. Humanities, lo:30 a.m., 1:00 p.m. and 3:30 D.rn. . Theatresports! Last chance this term. Big Party, after the game, open to anyone audience, players, judges. Cash bar! Come one, come all, and have fun! 800 p.m., HH 180. Party location TBA. Sky . Diving Club: . Advanced class in “Missing the Ground”. See exciting films, “The First Step”, outtakes from “Birdman of Alcatraz” and “The Man Who Fell To Earth”. Reruns of Ripcord will be shown after the, I event. I Fed Flicks - Helga’s Choice. The woman who picks Fed Flicks has a field day with her old favourites because these were picked when Wim was-out of the office. BYOB. Grad Club 1 a flippant remark is usually thrown in here about what to do before or after (if a rookie game, during) Theatresports, but this week they’resmartenough to supply’ the pub afterwards.

\

-

Sunday,

Dec. 12.-

Religion, religion, *rekgion. Everybody needs religion. Get it in bags, pop-top tins, handy take-out styrofoam containers; by the six pack, or little baggies you can cleverly conceal about the more intimate spots on your person. You know where, you know when. Snecial rates for Right to Lifers. Marx had it right: “The opium ofihe people”. . . you dig, eh? Last communion of the term at 11:00 a/m_, at Keffer chapel . Lutheran . Gratuitous remark-about nibalism withheld.

symbolic

can.I

The Keep Waterloo Clean club will be Vegetable Club meets at 5:30 in the Psych meeting. on the village green and ring road Lounge. Nothing will happen. We’ll just lie today. Bring your shovels and garbage cans. there and, look at the ‘ceiling. All vegetables and invalids welcome. The Procrastination Club meeting’ has \ \ been cancelled until next week. 2h== Outer’s Club: Come to the talk by Prof. A. CFS-0 Sucks - a forum presented by Fed Prez Wim Sominex whose content will be - J. Snod on the mating habitsof the Canadian obvious. New councillors Bobo and CornelBeaver. There will be a surprise film with lots ius will be present Lto debate tith him. of beaver. Bananas supplied by Women and CoDentwali (Festival of the knives) whichis the operative Orangutans (WACO). Let’s try for , West Indian New Year is being celebrated another general meeting - will we swallow tonight. The program includes knife catthis? Pham won’t. . thing, knife throwing, knife swallowing, and * =Nk gutting a fish with a popsickle stick.

-

The Creative Old Writers Collective Have Inexhaustable .Promise -of the Waterloo (COWCHIP) will meet upstairs ‘at the Grad Club to find selves. Be there or be square. Hey! rhymes. I’m a poet and don’t know it.

Bhrainwashed Yogies (Vicious mindbending conciousness-changing soulgobbling Krishna- cult) will hypnotize you with ancient Hindu scriptures and feed you drug-impregnated vegetarian food. *All the little Yogies and Booboos welcome.

Waterloo Homo Clubmeets today. On the agenda: the merits of not only homo, but 2% and pasturized as well. \ Chess Club. Come and play chess. Exciting, huh? CC 135.

Drop and-bounce out of greatest of ease. Waterloo invites ail Jims to practice Nastics. Don’t understand? you.

-

Monday,

the air with the Jimnastics Club the fine art of We don’t blame

Dec. 13 -

The Women’s Resource Centre will be open today from 11:00 to 2:30. Everyone welcome. Sleeping starts at 11:15. Bitching with men about everything associated begins at 6:O0. _ UW Debating Club. Toda.y we will see a real pro. A champion debater in action. Our meeting will feature master bater Ima Palmer. ‘Nuff said. Every known religious group will meet on the top,of the Arts Library and throw themselves over the. side. Activities start at 3:00 p.m. sharp. Start the week right. Come to’ Eng Schlock’s C&D. Eat. Drink. Eructate. Don’t .! forget to pay. Every day women’s will. campus centre in groups for other convenient places. angutans welcome. . Crouch-and-watch bery, outside Burnt p.m. Ask for Gheff.

be - leaving . . the . Sunnydale and lo:15 p.m. Or-

club meetings. ShurbMathNEWS Hall. lo:15 -

Register now for WPIG’s upcomingconference, Justifving Our Existence: New Things to Attack. The question, “Have milked the Acid Rain issue enough?” is addressed. The “It’s Either That Or Nuclear Power Again, And You Know What That’11 Do To Our Engineering. . Refunds, Don’t You?’ party will \ present their case. Q k ’

- Tuesdzgi, *Dec. 14 Candlelight Communion at; 4:30, We have been allowed to use Conrad Grebel Chapel for this occasion. Last service of * Advent from Lutheran Campus Ministries. . ~. Gratuitous remark: see Sunday;_

Swim meet: come on out to the pool and cheer on the Warriors and Athenas. Last week’s meet was a sell-out and both people said they really enjoyed it!

Dec. 15 -

Wednesday,

Christmas for the Animals:.936 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Help us decorate a tree for Laurel’s wildlife and learn how to make Christmas decorations ‘from winter weeds. Mother Nature ahd Santa Claus will get together to make this program fun for the whole family. Bring your own animal.

Junior Farmers. The turnips up. Exciting, huh? HH 227. ~

that U of today themThat ..

CUSO Organizational Meeting. Learn how you can give up your comfortable life-style, good job and beautiful house to live fortwo godforsaken years in a mud hut. Hear volunteers tell of the excitement of sleeping on a dirt floor and spending a Friday night learning how to put a bone in your nose. Evening meeting of the Lutheran Students’ Movements. On tonight’s agenda: the pros andcons of Milk of Magnesia.

are coming girls.

Square Dance sponsored by the Junior Farmers. You don’t have to be one of us to attend, any square is welcome. L

Discussion Fellowship with Chaplains Morbid and Koosistrata: Religion across Laurel Creek. --Location: across Laurel Creek. Exciting, huh? * ,

nymFos And Sex‘ Slaves (FASS) presents the entertainment of the term. Festival Room. Bring your own Wesson oil. Cameras -. welcome.

CC Free Movie: Blackand no seats. Exciting, huh?

Waterloo Apathy Club has been abolished due to lack of interest. .

GLOW Exciting,

’ Coffeehouse. huh? CC 113.

Men.

No

white, soundoff, .

Look, let’s just forget about Wednesdays Waterloo,‘O.K.? , ,,

in

Afraid of Goblins as your roommates? Tired of finding homo mi!k in your refrigerator? Escape from the happy, gay University life -for a couple of hours of ‘St;- . -Jht’talk at the ‘We Aren’t’,coffeehouse! Not C=C 110 at 8

- Thursday,

Dec. 16 L

-

As a show of support for Albania, the entire Chevron club will throw himself in front of a freight train. Party to follow. The Waterloo Pessimist Club has cancelled their meeting because no one would have shown up anyway. Or if they had; the power would have gone off on the roof wou!d have caved in or something. , , _I =k I

-2 Friday;

Dec. 17 -

D‘ropthrough

the air with the/greatest of ease. Waterloo Tall Building Suicide Club makes a big splash today. Watch for us on the Village Green & the Ring Road. Ballet du Toilet. Poetry in Motion. washr.ooms, CC. 5:00 p.m.

Men’s

Star Gazers; The Rectal Eclipse club will ’ moon the Baktee Yogis at 6:30. Don’t missit.

Hair on the Hair Tree at the-UW Bookstore, (South Campus Hall) will find its way to the cold heads of hairless people all over the K-W area. Thank you for contributing. Sean Mallarkey will be at the UW Book Store from 2-4 p.m. to autograph copies of his new novel, Tomorrow, thy World.

STRANG-UW is holding a coffeehouse in CC 135 from 6-10 p.m. Entertainment will be provided (coffee, tea, and funny-brownies).‘ Come and find out the Truth.about things illegal, or just have a good time. We guarantee the latter: \ . ’ How much fat is too much? If you’re ’ wondering, then you probably have TOO The Accuracy Club will be sponsoring a MUCH. Have your percentage of body fat POETF pub in the -Modern Languages . determined and be ridiculed by the Campus cafeteria; Free beer to those who can spell ~ Health promotionfitness consultant. So Cuffe Italiano and pronounce maraschino.’ -waddle over to the CHP display- in CPH I See you at 7:47 p.m. between 9 and 4 today.

fie Sun will set at 5:23. Don’t miss it. For math’students: that is whenfhe big hand is between the 4 and 5 and the small hand is just _ past the 5. . Enjoy a six-bite Vegetarian lunch for’$l.50. Don’t trip over the Krishna literature: Don’t. ask for gravy. . ’ \_

The Little Squares Society will meet as usual at 8 p.m. Our special guest will Ibe Phraser “On Stun” Simplex. All squares and nuns welcome. CC 140. ’ _ ,

The Brown Bag Society will be sponsoring a WPIRG seminar today at 12:30 in CC 135. ’ Today’s topic will be, “It’s About Time We Had Global Food In Our Cafeterias”. =&+ ,


ational

Student

organisation:

ts dec by miiprint staff For the first time in the Canadian Federation of Shitdisturbers’ (Students) (CFS-S) one year history, CFS-S has passed official policy. The passage occurred late one night last November in the washroom of a pub in Ottawa. The organization and its product are doing nicely. One of the elements comprising that product is the Declaration of the Rights of Students, Women Students, and the Rights Of A Lot Of Other Things, as outlined below. 1. The Declaration of Students’Rights: Every person has the right to education, employment, food, water, air, a house witha two car garage, a family with 2.5 or more children, a large colour TV with converter and Betamax, and a small black and white for the kids, freedom from undue taxationexcept dues to CFS-S, and any rights not specifically discussed here but which can be added later. 2. Declaration of the Rights ofthe Women Student: Whereas CFS.-S, like every other pseudo-left-wing organization, wants to get in on the merchandising of the women’s movement, we declare that in addition to the above rights, someone (preferably not students or taxpayers, but taxpayers if necessary) pay for special areas of education for women besides those generally available, so that healthy, well-adjusted housewives and mothers can be persuaded to join the workforce, and join in the privileges hitherto reserved for the male sex, includfng subway struggles, peptic ulcers, migrains, the .“happy hour”, >raffic cops, inflation, deflation, and lippy . taxi drivers. 3. Declaration of the rights of Older Students (98plus), Parttime Students, Students without Calculators, Students with Strange Religious Beliefs, etc.: Whereas CFS-S believes strongly, completely, and-to the hilt in rights, and disapproves, frowns upon, despises and especially after a good party, loathes, the concept of obligations, be it resolved that: - students not currently enjoying full use of their faculties due to brain damage, alcohol or drug abuse, extreme old age bordering on senility;

-

or students who have forgotten their multiplication tables (or went to a “permissive” school) and do not have calculators; - or students who are exceptionally tired and fagged out from walking to University because the car’s in the shop; - or students who wear orange to gather in the cosmic vibrations from the earth’s core and turbans to keep their hair oxygen-starved and under control; That such students have the same rights and privileges as other students and thus the academic structure be modified so education will not move forward faster than the abilities of the stupidest dullard in the class. NO SYSTEM HAS THE RIGHT TO MAKE THE INFERIOR FEEL INFERIOR! 4. Declaration of the Rights of Laboratory Animals: Whereas it has been observed that most laboratory animals can find their way around most Psychology buildings better than most people; and whereas laboratory animals are likely to be the most co-operative members of CFS-S, be it resolved that any specimen above the level of a white rat be given the full rights and privileges of other members of the un-paid members of the University community. 5. Declaration of the Rights qf Rhesus Monkeys: Whereas there exists a specific lobby for the rights of the Rhesus, and whereas most Rhesus, as well as other specimens of ape, notably the Orangutan, show distinct ability to participate in some aspects of the business world, and actively wish to participate in the subway struggle, deal with peptic ulcers, migrains, the “happy hour”, traffic cops, inflation, deflation, and lippy taxi drivers, be it resolved that anthropoids be admitted to the ranks of CFS-S, and as their aims are not dissimilar to those discussed in Item Two, be it resolved that CFS-S firmly supports theirjoining theirlocal Women’sgroup with full voting and speaking privileges, and that student newspapers everywhere be urged to include at least one letter per week from a member of their local Women’s and Cooperative Orangutan’s (WACO) organization.

Ontario 0

piranha

1

Anxiety has been aroused recently by reports that the man-eating piranha fish may be moving north from their haunts in South American waterways. These ferocious freshwater fish, which moving in packs can strip a man to his bones in seconds, have been spotted in the Missouri and Ohio rivers. Some experts fear they could move even further north into Canada. But Robert McCauley, a Wilfrid Laurier University biologist who has made a continuing study of the Great Lakes and their fish, sees no cause for alarm. He feels the infrequent sightings of the fish in northern waters is the. result of petlovers flushing store-bought piranhas down the toilet or directly into waterways. The Laurier biologist says he has not heard of any appearance of the killer fish in Ontario lakes and attributes this to the unfavorableclimate throughout the Great Lakes system. “The ,piranha must dwell in i warm water with temperatures

safe from invasion 0

0

at 10 degrees Celsius above,” he said. “During the winter Ontario lakes rarely get above four degrees.” Dr. McCauley said the piranha couldn’t live near the warm-water discharge of such generating stations as the ones at Pickering oi Douglas Point, despite \ the suggestions that such warm spots might make home for the fish. Dr. McCauley said the Canadian public, at least, need have no fear for their safety about swimming despite the northern movement of the fish with its razor-sharp serrated teeth. Hook and line fishermen have caught piranhas throughout the southern U.S. for some time. They have shown up in northern U.S. systems tiithin the last months. Dr. McCauJey said our waters contain more real dangers then the piranhas snapping turtles are an example. “We don’t have to worry,” he said.

News hotline hone numbers Due to the continued economic situation, Misprint has been forced to lay off its entire news staff. So, if’you want to know what’s going on at the University of Waterloo,>joucall.


Nhws

, -

,

Vicar&

-

thrills:

Misprint.

o./.,~ Fiidai,

I-

December -:

a

IO, 1982

i -

Al Engineering,Drafting & Art& StipplieSI e_

:

Upon predentatioh of this University of’Wa.terloo

coupon and I.D. Caird ,

by lenerd gamunche-misprint editor Three--year-old Joel Vicarias is like any other boy his age - except when he acts like a , _ dog. . But Universityof Wa terloo researchers think that ‘is not necessarily because of the dog’s milk he loves so much and on which he lived for more than a year, but because of a strange disease known as the “pica syndrome” ~ (not to be confused with the “pica pole syndrome” commonly experienced by bud: ding newspaper journalists). The disease makes people crave for strange and unnatural foods. A tinv child weighing about fifteen pounds. Sparky, a two year old poodle and mother 01 Joel suiked milk”‘Erom a stray dog in his five, watches suspiciously as Joel Vicarias ’ hometown of Frobisher Bay, N.W.T. He continued the habit with another dog once hisjob-- plays with the pups, and she contemplates when to ring the dinner bell. .I less parents m_oved to Waterloo. ’ misprint photo by john w. blasr ’ Regional social workers rescued him after word got around in the neighborhood that Joel “He mutters a faint bark like that ofapuppy had been seen breastfeeding from a dog, and behaves like a dog,” reported staff nurs sleeping in its company and that of its puppies Helga Pitts who attended to,him in the eigh under a table, and fondling and caressing them _ weeks that Joel was a patient. . “1 suppose. he barks as a means of commun like equals. . cation,” she said, emphasizing the languag His mother, 26-year-old Lolita Vicarias said she believes Joel may have developed a special 1 barrier between Joel and the hospital staff. li-king for dogs because she herself had adored a _Miss Pitts said JoeLcould not understan comicstrip illustratingtheadventuresofadog, words spoken in German, but his attentio while she was pregnant. could be gained with words -in his nativ English dialect. “He still>claws and bites whenever he gets in a recent Joel’s pediatrician, angry”, she said matter-of-factly Dr. Fernando Hide away, a specialist in child psychiatry, said thl Misprint interview in the small two-room for ali of his “doggy tendencies” Joel was a apartment on KingStreet, where the family has lived for nearly a year now., ordinary child. Laboratory analyses ha shown him to be normal except for bein Mrs. Vicariaqhad to give Joel away when he \ “nutritionally dwarfish”. was two years old because her husband was jobless and she had just given -birth ta their Hideaway said Joel’s case apparently was eighth child. variant of “pica syndrome”, a disear The couple left for Kitchener (from Frobcharacterized by a craving for unnatural sul ‘isher Bay) to look for work while Joel was left’ stances, which can pccur with humans ( with his grandmother. While Joel was left to animals. “Sucking dog’s milk is better tha himself he- would slip away to a neighbor’s eating excrement or insects or anything thi houSe.toliedown-w’~th a nursing dog and share comes within easy reach,” as some do who al ‘its milk’withthe puppies, apparently without ’ afflicted with pica syndrome, he explained. )I “Presumably dog% milk is similar to that I any problem. ’ any mammal, but we have n3t really made ar His grandmother learned about this habit conclusive study,” from neighbors, who watched Joel in amusesaid nutritionist Ti Allison. ment as he-fondled the dog’s face, lay down, and drank. The old ‘woman also observed the J,oel-was discharged from the hospital a fe strange behaviour herself repeatedly, Joel’s weeks ago, having gained several pounds. “VI mother said. So the grandmother had the boy observed him and he really loves to’ play wi’ dirt. He would pry a trash can open like he h; \sent to his parents in Waterloo. Joel resumed his habit;.his mother said until claws. he. even enjoyed playing in the toil social workers discovered.,the boy’s strange = bowl- until- we caught him,” Allison state affection for - dogs. Suffering from malnuJoel’s case was something of an eye-opener f( nutritionists, hospital authorities, and U’ trition, ‘the boy was admitted to, the K-W researchers (who are currently studying tl Hospital. where a nutrition rehabilitation unit had just opened. case). In the hospital”s pediatric ward. Joel was “As a matter of fact, we want his dog to g hostile to everybody and would bite his playpregnant again,” said Allison. “We would li; to find out how edible this dog’s milk is.” , mates in fits of anger, nurses said. v ’

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’ Daniel Dewrite . Scholarship student, Dedicated/ _ to becoming a marine biologist. \ Wti hemakeit?. d ’ No, he won’t. ’

.

Danny’s a brillant student. There’s no end to what hecan do. He can add, subtract and do all the other neat things he ‘used to dream of doing. Now the problem. Danny has a condition. Danny likes to d-rink. He drinks a lot. But more than that, Danny’s high school guidance councillor told him to take Math when he got to University. How the hell is he going to be a marine biologist when he.only takes math‘? Oh well. stupid guy. Danny would be wise to get a gun and shoot himself. He’s a natural loser and people laugh behind his back. And no, Danny won’t make ‘it.

Yes,heti.

j

Danny’s a brilliant studen There’s no end to what he ca do. He can’add. subtract an do all the other neat things t used to dream of doing. Best of all: Danny likes t drink.-He drinks alot. He WI often drink to excess. Whe he does, he doesn’t care wh; he does. One night in a drun state, he made out with tf ugly daughter of a marir biologist. Now he has bto g married. Oh well, he assure himself of a job. Danny will live to regr getting married. but at lea he’s got a job. v Yes,, Danny3is going to make it.

,Wanda’s Wedding

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e&S 0


Misprint.

Friday,

December

10,1982-

I

Latin ‘Y.

junked:

CMOderd only Ior 1v.L ImUding J

01

Doug Do- Wright

misprint

graphic

by dan tremblay

Waterlooland

:

1

-e

-

a solution

--l,-

lor

1.1

11 by misprint staff Barking on the heels of a recently-announced Research Park for high-technology in North Waterloo, UW president Doug n_ ,,I.. 1-l-L I--‘I3 I.I -1 1 .I uo- w rignr nas unveuea plans tnat snow rne non-sciences will.,I not fall into decline here at Waterloo. Do-Wright showed a group of bewildered reporters a model of a p!anned facility that will employ hundreds of Un-gineering students each summer. It’s an amusement park tentatively titled “Waterlooland”. To be built on property adjacent to Columbia Lake, M’atcrloolq~~d will eventually encompass a theatre, rides, pai ilions. ‘and concession stands selling leftover 25th ;Inni\crsary souI,cnirs. ‘<We’ll have Drama “it’ll be great!” concedes Do-Wright. students acting a.\ clowns, Kin and Ret people operating rides, Accountants running the booths. And here’s the best part -itall qualifies as Co-op employment.” How does Do-W’r-ight propose to raise the capital? “We’re ah. at least our-PoliSci students going to Queen’s Par-k on this arc. They’Lc just got to gile in; it’seither pay us this or hire these mothers themselves.” “We figure that’11 get ‘em,” Do-Wright added with a chortle.

filled

4 1983 ,January “They,rE jus;;;t :,:f:::

-r\r\m

lose

by k&ry woc&ow misprint staff Ernie Goldsmith, a student ‘rom Israel, did not show up ‘or an appointment with ‘lealth Services last Monday. %ormally it would go un:hecked but since Goldsmith yas a possible victim of V.D. health Services did not wan\ lim spreading it around cam-

l

l

l

pus. When Goldsmith was located he was surprised at all the fuss. “The doctor told me that I might have syphilis,” Goldsmith commented. “But I looked in the dictionary to see whti ti meant; it said syphilis was a disease of the Gent&es, so I did& worry about it.”

;nrrc.~cinn

Classical Civilization profes-- - clalmea. -I- -- 1 sors Those students who have nt-P-t-CanirtnrLlrl 4-a.- __.I ,c CL,. partment ot Classical Studies for January, 1983 should check the last-minute schedules posted around the Modern Languages building at the beginning of next term. Rooms will probably be booked in the Campus Centre or in - Needles_ Hall. Course descriptions for African Studies will be available on Mondav. December 13 in the new African Studies office, ML 243.

A photo from Wim Simonis’ latest book, “Me and Mg Friends”. It is a sequel to his last book, “Famous Television Personalities of the TwelIfth Century”.

Wilfrid . Laurier University Invites You To

Meet The Author This Week, John W. Bast, Author’ of the Book;

BAST’S BOOK OF MOVES Bast says of his book, “It’s better than 9 rock! I’ve shared all my famous move’s with you in this book. You’ll be a real man’s real man with this book!”

You will learn how to put the “Move” on girls in bars and other dimly lit places. Meet

John

W. Bast

on Tuesday,

You’ll find out how to get girls to “Move” into your bedroomi in only 15 pages!

December

14th

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Vrotebsur 3a11y n aaag, wno teaches Latin and Greek for the department, expressed her concern. “You might as well get rid of History if you’re going to throw Latin out the window.” she said. Approval, however, was expressed by a member of the . Spanish Department, who asked not to be mentioned. “It mav mean we’ll have our verv4 ow; secretary,” she confided. The unidentified Spanish pro-

-

by misprint staff In response to a series of mass meetings and demonstrations, 2 :, well as pressure from the Canadian Federation of Shitdisturbers (Students) (CFS-S), Federation of Students President Wim Sominex has admitted three new seats to council. The three councillors, Bobo, Cher, and Cornelius, are all mtmbers of the local Simian’s Lobby, and the Women’s and Cooperative Orangutan’s (WACO) collective, a Federation service. A pious-looking Sominex commented that “This move, uh, is in accord with, ah, the new CFS-S policy and we like to be,ah, up to date on these things. you know.” “It can only help Students’ Council,” he went on to say. “After last night, I’m thinking of making Bobo deputy-speaker.” The incident Sominex referred to concerned Sean Mallarkey,, a Math Co-op councillor, commenting, “This looks like a scene from Planet qf’the Apes.” Bobo, pointing out that that was just a in&d of mallarkey, tore the councillor limb from limb. The three Simian delegates munched contentedly on gently-steaming liver throughout the rest of the meeting. Cher is considering running for the position of Treasurer, on the platform that she is more competent tdmonkey around with the budget than anyone. Cornelius is expected to apply for the External Liaison position. He feels Waterloo cinnot continue to merely ape other Students’ Union polikies.

fnr

fessor did add that it would probably be difficult for the 0LI~SSICS ,--- :-- r-x--L .-- I. 10 l-’ ueparrmenr rina 1 a place in the University tosettle down in. Other members of the Classics Department stated that the eviction came as no surprise. “There are enough enthusiastic students that will e . , show up tor classes wherever

they are held,” one of the

n-m “l..,“,:,JJ:---:-L-languagc:s, 11c.z billU 111a11IIILCIview Tuesday. “We have to

I,

new seats on,Council

by phraser (“on stun”) simplex ,:,,..:,c ,r...rr The Department of Classical Studies’fight for space in the Modern Languages building was lost Monday when University President Doug DoWright announced that the new African Studies Dept. ,* would_- taKe

1.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~r~~~r~D=D~r~~~~rn~~~~~~~~rn~

DECEMBER

23, 1982

OR FREE DELIVERY

--

-*-. Not Valid On Specia Is


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’ ‘Misprint. Friday, December

Begin with ah-observation that the author feels most of his readers.either (a)~kn&-ti about, 01: (b) would-probably agree with, or (c) all of: the adove‘, He is wrong. He still manages to state the _ i. obscure in such a &y %s to get angry letters. - A sardonic paragraph or two which at least generally defines the group to be criticized (in this example, Gay Zombies for Jesus);points out what their major fault is, and uses a subtle pldy ‘on words to suggest that they are inferior, but it isn’t their fault; ’ it’s the fault of their,;&@n{s for breeding with slime. Example: Gay Zombies for Jesus isa goat-sucking bunc’h of i dead people w@,cjtiim a lot but a,re rea!ly rotten. .; :‘. ./ : . I They’ll be wiped out iri t’he coming holocaust, along with reli:gious zeal&s, advertisers, people’ who s damage p’inball &chines and veg&ariatis. Quote Heinlein, but don’t .aHi-ibite it. Anyone who’s every&e. ’ / (or vice versa)‘knowi Heinlein already: . _- “Y&s of course. Do you remember theorem six and the ’ transformFfi&” be’tweefi equations thirte.en and -‘ v f&u$teen?” ” ’ _ .. , ‘* kn exa~ple$r&n,histb.r)i or current events (because history repeats itself) tha’t stigge,sts a parallel group of fanatics would be .better~off in ati asgIutif”sr the terminally weird. Make the parallel. @&+p as noxious as possible. Nazis, Huns, and really repressive regimesare enough to spark three letters all by themselves, ’ ’ ._I Some familiar aphorism: “A dog always returns to its vomit:” , , ’

Discuss the premise ofthegroup ynderattack. No matte’r,what the premise is, the-conclusion is that the-grclup’s basic philosophy has the same value as a.fish’s opinion 0,~ fren‘ch fries: . 4 IObiiously these scumlicking debutantes,of the.fre&a set have misinterpreted the real nature of the universe; any conc!u@ns t.hat they reach-must, therefore, beconsidered . as null- and Void. Besides, the whole co&e@ was invalidated by quantum ‘tiechanics. A brief paragraph outlinipg a solution- or recommendation whicli‘ can be used, as d ,tquchs.tone to determine .correct -beliaviour tbwards t’he ,matt& of-the now-throughIy-shamed group’s concern, and ti l@t C$ soth,er thin$s.,Not only shouId + really good solution be universally applicable, but, anything worth doing is worth ovedoing. Quote some document by the grou-p in order to’sho& that they’ have so muc’h fuzi in their skulls that they &~ldn’~im”plem&nt this $vio.usly:suEerior .@$onif their’ pinko !ives depended dn’ &and thn\ thisgroup .i,s,nq worth ‘the ‘?@ce of anyone w‘ho pretends to be intelligent enough to.go to’university. Su&est also that evolution. le.ff beb’ind this group’ sqmetiine during the nine&vth.cetitu,ry . . . maybe long& if they’re anti,-abortion. *” Polint out that the author has just p&po@l’a &ii to inike the world a .marginally better pl&e to live ‘in: .?nd that’hk’has even’ betterideas if you -just read-the next issue. ’ . : , _ ’ L.e.n,,c.a,mac he ~ -. -. ” .c d .1,:. 1, - .T

’ .oM&ntid;l a world event. These editorials are written la& at’ Qub‘te an authoiity (prkfei ij to tk an Imprint:flrikr - Julie night while wearing designer sleepwear so makesure‘it’s an event Geoi& #ibLi.can, tiiit 6&‘&S kill doi someone classical, elected’ that Helen-Keller would have heard about even if she was’at a bj’ To%igneFs afid”‘now deposed: or anything printed by retjieaf for the’ incLr%bly meek. Northeastern News in Boston). Thkre’s no: way that Mr. Public Make some kind of-Statement. Phrase it so that it couldn’t be will agree. but.he can grudgingly ad’mit that sdmeqne’s right.’ I objected to bjr Jdhti’Q. Public or by any extremist. These are Restate the positionoftheauthor‘ity in mo& pungent languagk -, designed tb fill Space, not to elicit litters. -. but contradict it in the riext paragraph. Quote somkone Quote sour&s-that everyone h8s heard already, bit don’t ignorant. Suggest that we all go to the pub and laugh aboui it string them together at all. The ideais t,ogive the Average Reader’ together if the reader we,re of 3 social standing high enough.to. (Mr. Pub1i.c) thC.chaqce‘to make the points himself. dine with editqrs . . . Beacqn Hill, perhaps. Qudte some that ire iesswell-known. Include at leasf, one ‘Admit that no one-really hasa solutipn, but that maybe,- well, “leftist” but profit-making organization. Since no one actuaIly _ possibly in- the future T sometime . . . Well, we know that someone is wrong. and it can’t p,ossibly be us! Anyway, we’vejust . I reads any of these magazines, these quotes can be made up. This shown w.hat the sort-of not-wrong way is. You&n? call it right; islgenerally done by throwing darts at a dictionary. At some we’ve waffled too much. ’ _ 1 point, refer to Boston, or. to Rolling Stone magazine. Never mentiqn Crawdaddy.. We don’t quote Reader’s Digest either, Make a concluding expression of hope for the future: “A dog though God knoLws-Len’s shelves are full of them. always returns to it6 vomit.‘: ’ ‘_ John IV. Bast

-_ ’ ’ ‘They’re starti’ng t’po early: ‘I mean, you have a finite resistance to it. If a chemical begins to attack an object earlier, then it has that ti&hlongeitosoften>the miterial, eat it% way in,“iwntil the object is ready to shatter at fhe merest touch. . . or just go.floop and collapse in on itself. 7$:1 am talking a&oti the greatest threat.to mankind since some &right boy thought of ba+rial warfare. . - I’ 13 Christmas music, ‘~7~1~t”:‘ . ,I \ They’re starting ta-pJdy it. I heard Silver B&s twice. in the same sixty fninutes last,‘week . . .-worse thin&are tocome. Silent Night. Deck the Halls. I-Iar+ore, Rudolph the Red- Nosed Reindeer. - ‘. First you hear it : . : but don’t notice. Then maybe you hum.. IAfter a moment, you begin to whistle. You stop in horror, but it .‘soon returns. After all, it feels good.

You’ye been doiditioned, Qf.course..-in-.~~;k^free-childh~oh days, this meant gifts, goodies, staying up late and &tching the ~ adults get pissed. Fun stuff. Sdon you may begin singing. This can get you looked at strangely. especially if-you do it on buses, in the PA6 showers; or. conceivably in public-\?lashroqr&. , Ceitainly w&en y.ou’teChristmasshopping to thesesame tunes ,iwith.>the sublimin&s’~%ng,“buy me, b;y me”, you’re in trouble. You kndwvyou,yvi $ been -. gotten too when you bby the‘ table-top , Pat-Man: I am driven to3his+onclusion: the Christmas season is the justification of CKMS-FM. Dot Hight and Dave Assmann - ’ Saviours Of th-e Wor,ld! Who% a thought it’? : . I, Bitig Crosby .‘ - ~ 9‘y.,. .’ ,:j I L ’

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10,1982-

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Imp’rink is the-student rlewspaper at the University of WatBrloo. It is &n edi@rially independent newspaper published bjr Imprint Publicatiqns, _Waterloo, a cbrporatiori . %@ikhout sha& ’ capital. Imprint i.& a’ mem-ber of the Ontar@ Community Newsp&per Association (iOCNA), Imprint publishes every second mi@y during the Spring term and ev?ryFrlday dying the regula!r terms. Mail should be addressed to “Imprint, Camp&‘%entre Room 140, University of Waterloo, Waterloo, Ontario.”

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Imprint:.ISSN,O~06-7380. 2nd Class Postage Registration Pending Imprint reservesthe right to screen, edit, and refuse advertismg. a Contributi$ f%aff John W. Bast, Chris Bauman, Terry Bolton Lear-me. Burkholder, Don ‘Button, ,Linda Caqson, Donna Chong’ George Elliott Clarke, John Curtis, Donald Duench, Debbie Elliott: Mike Freke, Len Gamache, Jim Gardner, Julie George, Sanjay Goel Wena Goer,- Brian Gra&, Qandy +Ianni.gan, Sylvia Haxm.ig& ’ Glenn Harper, Bob Heringer,.Tammy Horne, Steve &ma, W. Jim Jordan, Jim Kinney, Karina Kraenzle, Peter MacLeod, Ron MacGregor, F@ Maequeen, Heather Martin, Cathy McBride, John McMullen, Alan Mears, Scott Murray, Greg Oakes, Tim Perlich Karen Plosz, Terri &ewe, Steve Rapaport, Diane Ritza Todd Schneider, Fraser Simpson, DeedeeSmajda, Katherine Subo&,Dan Tremblay, TeresaVarellas, Irwin Waldmm, Paul Zemokhol.

Thp h&now, issue, Misprint, kmbolizes that time-of year whefi the cumulative overldad of we&s and weeks of newspaper and school work is finally to much to heap; fuses overload, breakdowns occur, and what comes out that week is almost, but not quite, totally unlike y&r regular newspaper. Some years it’s better, seine-years it’s worse. This year it’s better. 4 partial list of who we shot at: the Federation (‘natch); everybody in Campus Events, especially the religions (maybe they’ll take the hint); piranhas; WACO; CFS;%v&m&ng, Football, ‘’ and stu_filike that; Dance; but e$pecially, ourselves.. While this ismq j.n w-way proves we are ,hum+b@, ~.~ perhaps it helps’deti&&trate to us that we are not above satirization. (What is this, a serious I;nasthed in a humourous paper? Yeah; Wa,nna make a something out of it?.> Treatthis paper as atest: ifyou are really pissed off with the treatment you got . .: really, rea;Uy p-eeved.. . ifyoufe6lyou.r whole’purpose

in life as been degraded - we felt you needed it. Excelsior! I hope’we hit some nerves. In any case, Terry, Don, Linda, Jim, JohnC., Donald, Mike, Julie, Brian, Cathy, John McM., Diane, Fraser, Dan T., ,-Ifeather, Rob, Scott, Len, Sylvia and I wish evewone a happy holiday season. Remember, be safe, not sorry. - J.W.B. Cover

by Linda

Carson

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quiik zip, cartoon quip, andJeff: Thanks for the quiet time. ’ correction. Call Diane Aat Single rooms available in girlfriend or lover may have sheep dip. 576- 1284. spaciotis house . - close 30 left. Harbld’s girls i Brenda, Doug . ’ both upiversitks y reas”qnriawnandJodi--arereadyto ’ _ Varsity javelin team needs li; vperienced typist. l,BM Selable rates. C&11,744-7034. Rickg-Baby: Happy Birthday . serve ydur each and eyery need ‘I . so’me‘one,\o’catch javelins. The tric’ II self-co&e&ting. EngWailted - ] . 1.Fijeering ’ symbols. Fast and Summer term - Rtiservhyour to-a guy who’s funnier than with their exclusive F. S. A. successful ipplicant will posRodney Dangerfield, -smarter (Full Sensitivity Awareness). . p sess firs1 accurate. Reasonable rates. rooms now. Singles - for . . knowledge‘ _ -11, Iof basic a1. than any engineer and a milThese girls aren’t just a bunch aid and wiu oe (preIe/raDly) All i Want for Christmas are a : Will pick-upand‘deliverto males. Full. furnished and of B.,H;B.B.‘s (Bubble Headed Math student.- ’ lion times sexier than Ron few chest hairs. ,’ _ _i campus. Mrs. Linda Hull. cleaned weekly. Locks on all Duguay! Love atid Kisses, . Bleached Blondes) - they are doors. 5 minute walk to either ” ’ I ‘do&from every Student to 579-0943. . *true @-ofe&iofials wh6 k@% _ “ram the Luckiest Girl %n unhersity. Summer rates. For ‘s&e: ” send Jeff Conway ,and ‘his fiaggiecantppe it! 1 Student Planet Earth. Vera: X0X0X0 that pa,rt of being a woman, is \ Mrs. Dorscht. 884-3629. Chevronstaff on a oneyay Ra\tes6Oeper page_ Free knowing when not to be too, trip to Alf pama. All-’ aonatlons * Mary, Naitalie, Steve, Gunanddelivery - Phone single,. rooms - for male Co- ’ ohe e.& . Name. . bert . Age. . much of “a lady. For -info+ ec: A . ..c. Irnawat~~l~ct LUllJL pickup - .- _-_ _ :her, John: How about 13 mation or .reservations write’ .to the A 11Ll~rwtl’aulyrl op tor Jan. term m private 745 1Y 76. Weight: 1’03 Ibs. Height: fft., lours next time? - Alex. War Mongers Association. I home. Fully furnished, cleanH.L.W.H. ‘-Escort . Service, ins. Sexual Experience: Lo&. Reliable and accurate typing. ’ ed weekly, private entrance & 523D Sunnydale Place, watEast ‘E &- ’ C’ Merry ’ Creative Writing Collective Of 75c per double spaced page. Ode skibping rode. It won’t.‘ .bat h. Frig, teakettle and erloo. Special corporate rdtcs 1- I W ir*” tn----cab kino cl“-“a*--------lhrqiSSiOnS for OOL cl?l\ -i-L-r.‘In Christmas to All, especially --o-11 -TA.’ La11 JkiIl, powL I 1 Y aiter 3:3u. ‘Mitch, 882-0909. . ’ - ,toaster available but. NO available. - . its Iuncomine Dogan, Jane and Secret Sanr --Q “Journal”. _-’ COOKING. 5 min. walk to You’ve Tried The Rest Now as! G Jair the Bear Rubberneck _ Primal ” Poetry, Prose, Illustratiotis, 4 Aon h old German Shepeither university. $28 - $30 and Photographs should be TrY The Best! TenYeaisexPerherd. Ii Ouse-b*roken, eats anyscreams, fast turntables, ArtMr. Wunnerfui - Thirty cents dropped in the CWcUW mailiend - IBM typewriter ,.weeklY. Mrs. DorsChf~ 204 thing. Especialy fond sie Deetoo, -Anthro, ZepL lext term? Is this inflation or :box at the Fed office. The Prompt, Service - Reason‘Lester, ph. 884-3629. children. Dan, 556-9305. pelin, Dem’os, Jungle Queeni lave you perfected your tech742-O! foimat for&bmi&ionsshould ab-le rates. ,Phone -- - - 17. One bedrm.&. to sublet May and Mustangs. See ya in 1B. lique?1973\’ Oldsmobile Cutlass. . too! -- ~~ Mugsy can .type lt be as outlined on the poster.) - Aug. ‘83. Option - to_ lease at, -__ Safetv two weeks ago. 29,000 ---. 3hris B. - One term down, Mark A the richest scab in the Deadlinb is Jan. 11183. efficient ’ Sept. Erb & Amos. 8 min bike typing. ayailable. ’ km.; *air condition&g, pwr; me to ’ go. Have a great Vill&es, try to cure your Twenty-five minute walk from ride to campus. $233/mo. +_I + steering, brakes, auto. Driven Does*nyone wa,nt any boot1eg . s-,. _ nno -.n/ phone fetish and g$t.a haircut., 3h;istmas and watkh youf M!Ke, bC5U-14230,. L Beatles )apes at $1.99 each? I i _-cam& Reasonable rates, -’ ,’ by lit& old ilady - right int& .l>. nonkey! - Jair. 2 . e.,.“_.... --,.......a aLfl ~~PGI -Rob T. - Civvies :are just I -don’t have any, just curious. me’” -nnn”n 3, ~33tty3, I c3tmes, P&son to share apartmerit on <garage doqr- $43 or bestoffer. work reports. Minor spelexcu$$s for bridge disastera wanted: Companion .for one . . University Avenue. j $l60/ ‘3rd year--Chem%udent would : ’ :: 1.gaid grammer corrected. ’ mdnth. onel$bear, wood haye to be Hpw’is, th& wav& prop&gatio< ~l980:Che’~ half ton >pickup: Kitchen * priveleges, like to buv, ----aIarge amounts of ’ -: * e-kperiment going? ’ onducjve to lorig-term iel.cyl. ,a-tito. AM radio, I>ox tarp. heatT:and hydro included: Sex dopper sulphate, a plasiic pai1 tionships.. condition. $6,500. extra. Call Phil, 8 18, 1327. . excellent ,~ Sunnort .Marshall Law. Figh[ and -shovel, a garage, hoist, at _@using Available Pzhone: 886-59 14 aftef4 p.$ Soii;Larity. 1athy hl Happy 19th least two (12) pa& of ha&l1 (one) room for rent on the bitt hd ay! Best holiday wishes .cuffs, a bottle of perrier .that third floor of Waterloo T&wThat brunette thinks she’s 1972 Ford E200 Van. Partly Two’eo-6p roommates wanted and lsabelje. Love and has gone flat, a used clothes ers. Suitable living space for at camperized fine/ She said I’m ugly and unand insulated. - Winter ‘83. Great location -L- Gerry. dryer and some K-Y jelly. No . least 32 students. Call Wing qualified/ Never care but I Veiy friendly and reliable. Vg, ofi subtiay line in Central East questions asked-please. Phone M-a anytime afterthe big hand don’t really mind/ Hope she 302 engiie. $1400. Call Iteve and Natalie - ‘To the ‘Toronto. $26O/month incluChip. is on the 12 and the small hand got this and drop me a line. Michael, 744-l 964. wo of you and the three of us. sive. Phone 463-9626. is on the 5. iood times and great fri‘ends _ Encyclopedia If anyone found a little heap of Bradobobbica: Bedroom in4-bedroom house. Yamaha FGi75 Acoustic lake it all worihwhile, more clear rubber out’ back of DFfinition: A wealth of useFurnished except -your room. Guitar. Excell&t condition.ext term. Alex. Village 1I last Thursday night, less information and a conOn route 8 bus. $90/month Help Wanted $75 or best offer. 884-0469. wouli they please check it for stant source of verbal diarrhea Dr. Goodhead, yourresponse and utilities. Call 884-0620. holes and call Lulu immedAsk for Steve or leave number. ) my article was so greaithat 1 during H’ill Street Blues. I ‘in a third year English major. iately. It’s important. Thank Spacious 2 bedroom apart._ Dresser, wood, mirror, $150; :el we should get together Jogger - Stop balling over Wait, that’s not my problem. you. ment, fully- furnished (t.v.), Queen Box Spring, roller gain. Exam time is poor, but backwards whenever you meet carpeted, available May - - MY problem is. . . my Prof has frame, $15: Lamp, $5; Dining le season coming near is a Wanted: Mind contkol drugs. given us thi? assignment that 1 blonde gigolos, you’l’l hurt August 1983. 15 minutes from Table, $10; Picture, $10; ood time for parties on the, Call Pooch at ext. 22. can’t figure out. If you can yourself. campus, $275 month. Call Lble, with lots of,good things Blind,.$S: 884-7565. help, cat! me at 8818 quick. 886-7622. ~ I \ _ Rob D. - I.B. M.‘s resident ) eat. Let’s get naked! Here.it is. . . frame tlie simularTrun npet, Selrher Bundy, ex.gigolo, try not to -wear out Services ities that- exist between the cellent condition. Laquer finee: A note of appreciation for May A Aug.4 bedroom town. Bolero 0~ work term.. ; /following: chapped lips, -cat ish, 1 I/ 2 years old, carrying ie most tolerant “corkhouse on Phillip Street. Conceit Photos - Beat, Furs, Dave: H’ide the Penthouse case included. This ad is for Washer and dryer. Phbne 886- - nip, Gladys’s Pip, leatkr oard neighbour” in Village. Billy Idol, lggy, Nash, Police, 1 whip, clothes rip, filter tip, magazine befoi-e Mom comes real! Call 884-5206. rood luck with exams, aid I402.z Simple Minds, Who. Profesover. ave a great holiday season. sional quality’, B/W, colour, HACK - They’ve cancelled uncle Eugene: Our sunbeams 528-778 1 (Hamilton), 579Texas, maybe it’ll be replaced - 31 13 (K-W): 1st won’t be as bright once we love. We’ll miss you! Love by a show set on a duck farm. Tokina 28mm f2.8. I’ve’bought myself a crossbow Most popular wide angle. 75O Plus avage and Sunbeam. Hey you in the flaming Orange and I’m ready to work. Do you, . for panoramas or Bonus Bathrobe: “Where did Fritz, Ir. (Re) Productivitjt 1982: confi,hed areas. have anything or -anyone you I Photothat little shit, really go?’ and Excel lent depthappy 25th Birthday you want shot? Carl. 777-23 19. finishing of-field- and I +‘What about the ducks?” :xual thing! P.S. Don’t choke Our ievolutionary new mee&e-of-use. Booklet. 1 the grapes! Love Savage, Jo, Do & Kath - Great term, thod of hair rem&a! will get unbeam, Squirrel. Kids, Thanks. Luv B.H. rid of unslightly nose and PACREEKAPHOBIA: armpit hair for good. We Shmeel & Lugwa -The Bush Ear of being without a guarantee it! Phone Chuck at Pigs better shape up next term. tddie. - 3P. Pucky’s Tank and Welding. Absent Cheering Sectioe. _ Tokina 8&2OOmm f4 Half the size, weight and cost of bi 9 o&o Chemie and the Dutch My friend and I will teach gou Quiche Eaters Coffee House. nameI200mm’s. One . Bonus ruck: D2’s house of ill repute how ‘to neuter your dog with Wed. 8:00 p.&. in CC. Come touch, quick operation. , Photoill reopen for business Jan-bottle opener and how to . out of the closet and let yourGreat for fast action finishing ii-y 4, ’ 1983. .Please pay (or self be counted knock the teeth out of your photography. . L ake arrangements td pay) (or Booklet \ house cat with, a, rubber Mesy Christmas Greg - “‘8 I, ‘en collect) all outst&ling h&timer. Pete, 666-2323. ’ ‘82, ‘83, ‘84. . .” Do you believe :bts before~ then. Joyeux / there’s a San/ta Nash? Lots&of oel and a hierry Christmas, lbve, Siouxsie. o (Right, “A”?) Love, Polish , LIGHT YEARS AHEAD OF THE OTHERS Typing *‘ench and Chili Powder. Lips & Bear - je t’aime plus DEVELOP YOUR CHRISTMAS PICTURES “8Eaik’Imprint Typesetting thanks’ qu’hier mais mains que de‘ould~ the creator of Super main. Thanks Michael you for your resume pation-ash -perform an. amazing maybe and quite often. age over this ye,ar. There have at of endurance and come always been more than I can l Larger 4 X 6 prints td pick up his cartoons? Lily Pasternak - Y.our rnin4i ‘handle. Please avoid being ‘0 Free photo album is like a steel trap -ilosed and ey Wink - We sold you to turned away next term:.bring ’ l Most films developed in ciuel: Is this ‘university or e Arabs‘ for 5 camels and a your (resume’in to be typeset otie hour in Waterloo military school? 77277 119. eep, as long as you throw in over thk holidays! Avoid the > @ Reprints in 20 minutes e Porn-poms. R, Z \& C. rush! Drop by CC 140, or CWCUWLToa-llofyouwho I

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trn@@~t welcames comments end opEnJon plates frum uur readers. The Forum page is designed to p@vide an opp,ortunIty toqresent views an varbus issues. Qpinians erprbsed in letters, ~$x&.Mms, w other articles an this pa’@reprqent those of ttrefq authars and not ImprOnt. letters

the editor.

.ACi material

is subject

to Mfting;

Right to Lifers are put in true perspedive

*

We’ll get your

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To the editor: I just wish to express my thanks to Brian Martin and all at FASS who worked to make the Coffeehouse a success. Great job guys! I would also like to thank .everyone who came to see the show, you were a blast! (Especially the ones who used their vocal chords with us!) Let’s do it again soon! Toallat Imprint (especially J.W.B.), I would also like to

name

right

say something. 1 joined ‘Imprint in Fall ‘78 when it was little more than a newsletter being run out of a closet in the Psych building. I worked for the paper for two years, helped in the referendums to dump the Chevrag, to get Imprint space in the CC, and finally, official recognition. During that time 1 wrote three reviews. had four photos printed, and wrote a

The purpose of the “Right to Lifers” is a debated one. Are they here to actually do good? Do we, the sane majority actually need to be enlightened on what is right and what is wrong? Have we been blinded to the facts and therefore been made to believe that their crusade is not right? I think not! They’re only here to cause problems. Judas Priest man! Why do we have to read their editorials, look at their posters, listen to their lectures, watch their demonstrations, and for that matter, even recognize their existence? Well, here it c’omes folks . . . I’m going to set the record straight once and for all. I’m going to put those weirdos in their place for good. Here it goes . . . We have the right to eat what ever cereal we want. If we don’t like Quaker Life cereal, why push it on us? There are a few of us who like Froot Loops or Frosted Flakes or Cocoa Puffs or even’ Muffits. We’ll damn well eat what eve; breakfast food we choose, Dward Farquar so Bug Off and leave us alone! 3A War Games

yet -for two page featu~re article. During that time 1 also found myself referred to variously as M. McFree, M. MacFee, M. Mcphee, the unknown photographer and “the guy whose name I d,idn’t catch” (remember. J. W. B.?). 1 had dismayed oi ever seeing rn>r reai name in Imprint. Imagine my excitement when 1 was told by friends that my name was men-

wiH not be corrected.

To the editor: Look, we’re sorry. We didn’t realize it at the time, but political enlightenment has come upon us and we sincerely regret our blackhearted past. How could we be so ignorant? Enginews - racist, sexist, tasteless, the lot. But such a convenient enemy! 1 mean, sometimes it got so bad it gave even us, the WAC0 association (Women and Co-oper-

,,

parking lots, under bridges, rooftops and behind shrubbery in4 the hope of molesting anything cuddly-looking that meandered by. But then it came to me, during our weekly crouch-and-watch outside the CC at lo:15 p.m., when women leave the Campus Centre in groups to convenient places like Sunnydale, that we . were there, getting cold feet, because of Enginews. As scientists, we believe in cause and effect, and that if we are the cause the blame is ours. The load of guilt is crushing, and we can’t bear it. We’re stopping immediately. Not only that; but the Engineer’s Hymn will be replaced by / Am Woman. We may even play Leaping Gheff Crocks Lesbians in the Carl Pollock Hall Lounge. Engschlock

To the editor: * I am a student at Waterloo and have been for the past three years. During the past years, I have become increasingly awaie of a certain group of wackos throwing their morality upon everybody else. This group feels that they, for some unforseen reason, can pass judgement on the world and tell us how to run our lives. Theyfeelthattheyarerightabouteverythingandtherestofthe populus is totally ignorant, therefore unable to make our own decisions on matters as serious as the one they bring forth. I am of couise talking about those goddamnfanatics, Students For Life. The Students For Life or “Right to Lifers” as they are not so affectionately known are morality-mongers. Where the hell do they get off telling us what to do? Come on folks, we’re big kids here. We don’t need anyone to help us cross the street or tie our shoes! We are people with minds of our own. Contrary to what you people think, we have the ability to make our owndecisions.

errors

WAC0 changes its tune

Enginews crushed by r:load of guilt To the editor: Look, we’re sorry. We didn’t realize it at the time, but cultural enlightenment has come to us and we sincerely regret our blackhearted past. How could we be so ignorant! Enginews - racist, sexist, tasteless, the lot. We’re guilty, and we throw ourselves upon the mercy of the court, and of the Women and Co-operative Orangutan’s association (WACO). We’re dirty little shits and we know it. We didn’t realize -we were inciting violence against women, some of the shorter minority groups, and some of the furrier animals. We didn’t realize the unbalanced people, pub-goers, and drug addicts were reading our articles. getting excited -fascinated even (well, you gotta admit, some of them were kinda . . . well never mind) - and getting worked up enough to lurk in

speMOng and grammar

a Phee tioned in the Coffeehouse article. Imagine my disappointment when I saw my name spelled WRONG AGAIN. Please, folks, after four years, could I, just once before 1 graduate, have my name spelled right‘? Martin MacFhee (Oops! Sorry, Martin!) l/2 (“the mellow duo of T. Alex Beamish & Martin MacPhee)

I

ative Orangutans) a degree of credibility when we protested it. That’s going some! But look, where the hell are we if we clean up the campus? No more letters to write. No more ranting to rave. No more committee meetings. Zippo. The big squelch. Look, do you need a little cash‘? Pham Pigsley WAC0

~XUslims and Jews should have it out! To the editor: As a Christian student here on the campus of Waterloo, I am just absolutely disgusted with the fussing and feuding that has been going on here between the Iranian Muslims and the Jewish Students. This has taken the i”c:m of a propaganda war: accusations, counter-accusations, harassment, etc. This type of behavior is beneath all of the participants involved. If they are going to fight why don’t they act like real men, and have it out with real guns and reul ammun-

ition instead of this prissy talktalk? Believe you me, if there’s one thing we Christians have learned over the centuries, it’s that if you’ve got God on your side - along with a few rugged Winchesters there’s nc stoppin’ ya. I just might add that ifeithe of the parties mentioner would be interested in thl purchase of some medium range ballistic missiles, the; could contact me at Jumpin Jesus M.unitions, 1201 Arma geddon Avenue, Big Bang Wisconsin. Holly Luyal

Warmongers ugment services To the editor: ’ Have you ever dreamt of commanding a brigade of mercenaries on an imperialist adventure or of hatching conspiracies against the working masses, just like they do in the executive boardrooms of the really BIG multinational corporations? Then you will not want to miss the inaugural congress of the Imperialist Warmonger’s Club, an elitist organization dedicated to squashing the rights of just about everyone and to alien-

ating almost as many people a the Marxist-Leninists. The purpose of the ir augural congress is to rubbe stamp our club secretar Comrade Hardial Buns, wh will resolutely engage all prc gressively-minded people i attendance on the “Tactics ( Intermediate to Advance Lackeyism” with a speci emphasis on co-ordinated re; gouging and tenant evictic prkocedures. Comrade Buns will formal confer the annual Imperiali Warmonger’s Award on tl Iranian revolution for excel ence in waging expansioni aggression on a socialist sta and for the unfettered elegant with which revolutional courts executive leftists. Fc those who missed the revc ution, Chairman Buns w award a special “Mr. Co geniality” prize to both mer bers of the dreaded An, lmperialist Alliance for tl truly sportsman-like attituc they have expressed in t’ Chevron despite losing mc of the Marxist-Leninists Iran. Chairman Buns will co elude the congress with a cl turally enlightening recitatic of Albanian ox-cart prods tion statistics and a fraterr salutation to Soldier qf Fc tune magazine for journalis achievement. Howard Crosr Integrated Stud


--- 2 L . _ _.I I would like Santa to bring Todd some.bennies so thathecan Pam Pugsley . _’ I , John W. Bast - Itiprint stay awake&. Council meetings. Between h&crying over not . .-: 1 1 whnt 2 nrndllrtinfi mnnnoer ic dnincr writino .mhct nf the Mice Pllrrclev is a member of t-he “Women’s Action ‘Cogetting nis way ana sleeping, E\can’t. see how he can. report ona Operative” (how come they can’t even be co-operative with editorials). 3 r .Students’-Council meeting with any kind of accuracy. ( other women?). \ _I _. John has been around (and around again) for a long timeand .. \ ,*1“’ “ Pam has--comnlained to no end about the Federation’s r,i would like Santa to give John a job with .tA;le Eederal Canad+ Federatiqn of Students ” I : ,> F. ;. k activities and its lack of’femalerepresentation. Miss P/ugslq, government: Anvone whois so out of touch with neonle will fi i just happens to be a grad student. For this reason, it isstil! a in perfectly with the Federal,government. ,I&, sorry that I’m-so apprehen&ve ,about,gett$g involved mystery to me whyshe doesn’tcomplain about the’distressful .’ with some distant provincial and .national ‘student’ Seai Mullarkey akd Rob Dobrucki (Tweedledum ’ ‘and lack of female representation on t-he Grad-executive and the organizations. Especially when they want $lOO,QOO.OO- from Tweedledee - the acclafmed Students’ Council members who ‘, amount of money that the Grad Club is spending on their pub University of Waterloo students., tried to force myself and the Board of Directors out of,office). ’ I I renovations. : I’-d like Santa toget C.F.S. some leaders whoare not so tothi ,Both Sean and Rob have been on Council for a couple of . . I would like Santa to bring Pam a copy of her und_ergraduate’ ’ . left-&r the political sp&.rum that qouTd think that’at any years and their motives for-being on Council are still unclear. I degree so that-she will finally realize that she is a graduate moment they were comingaround the right side. Once C.E.S. would. like to Santa to provide Rob”and Sean with their very student and that she pays her fees to the ,Graduate Students starts reflecting the views of the average student (is there sucha own Federation of Students. Perhaps they’ll then’knaw what,it ,’ Association, not the Federation. -I \I person?) thenmaybe~their~idealisticconcept will work (for lO0 . .’ feels like to work your ‘ass’.off on something and then have to \ G’s, something hrd”better). George Elliott Clark - Imprinf Re*orter put up with some i,ndividuals who try to be as negative and Of course the list is endless, but I’m afraid that I may start to ’ destructive as possible.’ George ‘is’ the fellow who wrote, the An Imptint ‘reporter, get serious about it. it has been.rather uplifting to write this note ‘report’ on the General Meeting. I‘would like Santa‘to bring to Santa. I would, however, asm.y last item, wish to have Santa The Chevron - (is it true that all Chevrags hate their \ <~ ‘6 George a textbook on.journa1isi-n. Perhaps then George would grant all of you,success with your exams and a pleasant holiday mothers?). Y / b i would like Santa to give the Chevron some real issues to lea&that -if; you’are going‘,t”o”put’ your- writing, forward as- a 0 season.. report, check out thefactsfirst.. He may also learn thedifference’ I have appreciated your support during the past couple of bitch about. They’ve been digging pretty deep for;the past i’ \ ‘. between a ‘news report’ and an ‘editorial’. I years and I hope to-be able to complete the remainder of my couple of years. , c .’ ‘campaign promises’ during my last-few months as President. / % _ c The Impyint Oh yes, last but certainly not least, may.we all get lucky on .’ , ’. e Todd Schneider - Imprint Reporter Monday evenings, eh John? Wim Simonis I would like Santa to give the Imprint some reaiissues to . Preside&, Federation of Students bitch about. ‘They’ve been digging pretty deep for the past’ Another Imprint ‘reporter’, Todd reminds me of my younger (O.K. Wim... meet J~OU ai the Kent: You b.u?l? j. ul. 6.) couple of years. brother - when-he was four years old. , following ‘1

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. I= Imprint no,rmally reserves editorialresponses for’letters which CFS. You,caII it “a gigantic-scheme designed to rip off students”. require information clarification, or correction of factual error. j What kindof drugs are you on. Yousound very unstable,, However, rj-r keeping with the-Misprint spitit of “journabstic . A) Imprint is NOT an undergraduate paper. It IS a student’. license”, we feelthat a rebuttaltothis ribiculousletter(to the feft) I*, newspaper which, serves students prrmarily, but which also is appropriate. The letter is chock full of errors and serves and looks for feedback from the entire university misconceptions, <and does warrant clarification. What you’see is a community (grads, faculty, staff, adm.iiistration, . and- even . photocopy of the “real” letter submittedby Chick (hisreal.name is narrow-minded people like yourself). Chuck, buthe-mayhavebeenconfuscedth~dayhewrqtetheletter)’ 5) Tom Allison may.be a respectable person, ,but do-n’t do bit-n Williams, who is the society liaison officer for the Federation of. the injustice of calling him ‘cwell-intentioned”. Is&there a wellStudents. Also, he ran against Wim-$imonis and Chris Mefntosh khown remark about the road to, hell being paved with good I in !ast,February’s [ederationpresidentialt$ection. If youreadhi,, I + intentions? letter you,‘!l.unde,rsiand whywe,‘re all fortunate he-didn’t win. _I* 6) I,wasn’t here at election tims last February when Wim was Dear Chick. . _ ’ ‘ejected, but after reading your letter I’m’certainlyglad that it was Don’t~fdol lyqurself. From ‘your’letter (we’.&rnever met) you Wim who won and not vou. 5 sound like anything, but “norma’l”. Your ,wrspectibe is hardly ’ i% 8) The only time imprint moralizes or passes judgement is “refreshing”. (It’s more like “sad” or “unenliqhtened”). Your - : in -our. editorials (and Misprint, of course): Rega’rding news “viewpoint” may not be utobjan; but it is certainly “cr&SrteB”. :cover&e, our’aiticjesiun the entiregamutofcamptiactivity; but .$’ -To ttie point(s)! All eight of them.-l’ll &Mress eaCfi.poitit yriu’ve - to find this out vou’d have to read more than the Eerum~ages, numbered to illustrate --just , h,qw, .far 1 off-ha% y.ou~. are. . When you mention “condemnation,chastisement, ridicujeand 1) Feminism (militant or otherwise)’ is not dead. It may be often malign” (I’m sure YOU mean mal~anm&t orP.maIice)‘In ‘Ipasse” in-your mind, But it certainly isn’t for those of us who articles I as>umkyou’rereferring tothose&ourForumpag’es.All ‘equate Eeminism’with Ffurnanism and equal rights M&be, you’d. I can sa$ is that unless letters are%bscen&reol;titive, or unsigned feel.rn0r.e comfortable living in Victorian times. i . : . 1 and unverifiable, we publish them (whether.ttiey reflect our own ?) Whe;ther or not anyone-feels the IMSA deserved’to be ’ editorial viewpoints or not). Don’t criticize us for providing people suspended, the-last thing they got $vas an “applicatio~n of . with a medium to exnress their views. Thankgod you’re not the Canadian convention?. ,They were not, given .specifics about editor; the Forum’pages would be‘blank. - . _ allegedinfractionsuntSI~heappealhitt~eBbardo~Directorsl~vel. Finally, let me say that in manv resnects v’our fetier.sp.eaksfor Essentially, you could-say the handling of:-the:,case was a bit itself.-Your decisipn to submit a’written letter (i.e., not typed) is “sloppy”. Also, I was at-three of the related,lMSA su$penSion NOT typical of the”nbrmal”student. Bather, it reflects a certain meetin,gs and I nevecsaw youthere. ‘I~ > - amount of your own arrogance. . *Len Gamache 3)’ You see& to be-sufferitig from extremd~aranoi$regarding ’ : ,. .~ _ Editor . _a -2 ,

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Do you have a professor’who is: * as dramatic as Olivier (Laurence)? * as skillful as Gretzky (Wayne)? * as supportive as Cleaver (Ward)? Why don’t you nominate him or her for the ********.**************k

Distinguished Teacher A ward ***********************

All it takes is a letter of support signed by ten people; five of these have to be present or former students of the nominee. Of course, more than one letter would be even better (so would more than two). Send nomination to the Teaching Resource Office (Needles Hall 3005) where you can also get a complete list of guidelines for preparing a submission. Deadline for this year’s nominations is: FEBRUARY llth, 1983 -

Take a friend . . . meet a friend, have some laughs . . . enjq the show . . . try some darts. Indulge iti the go Hero’:. times at “The

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Ski Weekends March Break Reading Week Last Minute Specials

10,1982-

The counting again revei-sal clue is simply an extension of the reversal. It uses a simple substitution of numbers for letters (A is I, B is 2, etc.) and the reversal idea. For example: Misinterpret

the alternating

sum to be an animal. (3)

We easily recognize this as a counting again reversal clue. The indicator is the alternating sum and we are to use the letters in the word MISINTERPRET. First, we must divide these letters into groups of three. Thisgives us MIS-INT-ERP-RET. Substituting numbers for letters using our substitution technique gives us, in the first group of three, 13,9, 19 for MIS. Taking the alternating sum for these numbers, we have 13 minus 9 plus 19, which is 23. Substituting backwards, W is the 23rd letter of the alphabet. So we replace MIS with W. Similarly, INT is 9, 14,20 which gives us analternatingsumof 15. Oisthe l%hletterofthealphabet,sofor INT we substitute 0. The next set, ERP, is straightforward and yields C. (I leave this as an exercise fort he reader). The last group, RET, poses a problem. The substitution gives us 18,5,20and the alternating sum ( 18 minus 5 plus 20) equals 33. Since t here tire not 33 letters in the alphabet, we simply sum the digits to get 6. The sixth letter of the alphabet is F, so we substitute F for RET. This gives us WOCF. Since we require a reversal, we reverse these letters to arrive at FCOW. and then put the answer in to the required three-letter format. This involves a beheadment, which gives us COW, which fits our definition “an animal”. Here’s anot her example: to pry for key. (3)

This is another counting again reversal clue. The indicator h-e!* tells us that PRY is a keyword. Sl MPLETON, of course, is the word?ve are working with. We divide SIMPLETON into groups of three as before, giving us SIM-PLE-TON. Since we do not require an alternating sum, \ve simply add up the numbers corresponding to each letter in each group. For example. Sl M gives us 19,5, 13, M hich, when added, is 37. Similarly, PLE is 16, 12, 5, giving LB 33, and TON is 20, 15. 14. which totals 49. We ha\ze reduced SIM-PLE-TON to 37,33, 49, but each of these numbers is too big to con\ ert the other way. This is where the keyword comes into play. PRY is 16, 18,25. By subtracting these values from 37.33.49 respectively, we have 2 1. 15, 24. The 24 catches our attention right away, since it corresponds to X. This value is naturali), not allowed, so a 25 is substituted for it. We now ha?.e 21, 15.25. 1leave it asanexercise to the reader to convert these va!ues back and perform the re\ ersal to get the answer to our definition “simpleton”. The accompanying crossword contains only counting again reversal clues. It might be helpful to makea list Qfthe letters ofthe alphabet along with their .corresponding values for easy reference. I have not provided theusual breakdown section since it would merely mislead. And don’t forget to. use the Trick Substitution list from Lesson 7.

I’d like to thank all those who took the time to writecomments and suggestions. I found out Profs do crosswords and like acrostics. (I may tr>r some acrostics sometime). Most solvers found the beginning crosswords “too easy”. I tried to keep to words that 1was sure everyone knew so that new solvers wouldn’t be discouraged by the vocabulary. Next term I’ll be out working, but I’ll be submitting my regular cryptics for enthusiastic solvers. No, I won’t include the clue types, so perhaps they’ll bea bit more challenging. The clue for 12-down in last week’s crossword caused sonie problems. Here’s the breakdown: “Nosy”:

Specializing

Friday, December

Clue Type No. 11: Counting Reversals

Note to Salvers:

“Around

Misprint.

by fraser Simpson misprint staff This is the twelfth in a series of lessons on cryptic crossword solving. If you’ve missed all eleven other installments in this series, come to the Imprint office (CC 140) to get the back issues . . . free! Today we will look at yet another clue type.

Simpleton

vv

_

Cryptic Crossword

1

t?n~~rfa~nmc~nI cL9r11 II’alesf~d~v tlm saf 1rra&v

This week

Crossword

(NOSY

perhaps)

about ‘work’*.

The Trick Sub list gives OP as the substitution for ‘work’* (from o/>u.v). Some solvers used OT (overtime?) to arrive at SNOOTY. The word “snoot>r”. however, means”conceited”,sGit is discarded. 1 he answer I anticipated, SNOOPY, fits the

Across 1. Marriage proposal for a snake. (4) 3. Beheaded sigh. (4) 5. A note to follow fa. (3) 6. One ship following another. (4) 8. Expire. (4) 10. Four eyes. (4) 12. ‘T for two and two for T. (4) 14. Lit, perhaps, but not enlightening. (3) 15. A quotation from Woodstock? (a) 16. They could be herbal. (4) Down 1. Snake’s marriage proposal acceptance, perhaps. 2. Sweden’s capitai on an electric typewiiter? (4) 3. I-lo! Ho! Ho! Ho! All the lo~~c’s gone. (4) 4. Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Nothing taken away. (4) 7. Winter sports equipment for a Pole. (3) 9. Not cold 2nd not cryptic. c-3) 10. ‘Inane Iterated Initials Inc. (4) I I. What the four Claudii said? (4) 12. TU,O people who drink 16‘? (4j 13. Four things for the golfer. (4)

(4)

Across 1. Sink 3. Abacus 8. Lip (Ll, 1~) 9. Crimson (rime, con) 10. Count sheep 13. Television 15, CaptiLe (Capt., I’ve) 17. Ego (Enough, hun) 18. Enough 19. Stay (ya-ch-ts) Dowsl 1. Solance (so, lace) 2. Neptune (pen, tune) 4. Bright idea 5. Cos 6. Sane 7. Scattering 11. Evident (dive, net) 12. Snoopy (nosy, op) 14. Acre 16. Pro definition “nosy”, The breakdown by faculty on the crossword is as follows: Math 14, Engineering 8, Physics 2, Chemistry 2, Geography, Optometry and Earth Sciences one each. I’m a mathie so 1 was impressed by the Math count. I’m still surprised there were no Arts submissions. ’ I hope you’ve enjoyed the course as much as 1have. I*il be back on campus in the Spring term. with (I hope) new diagrams.

Successful Completions The three people prirzred boldface Lttere drarz*rz as tt*irlners. The?, can come to the Misprint office (CC 140) to claim their prizes. allan adam, don burn, henry chai, tanya flemming, gita gopa1, p. m. gopal, peter hagar, keith hankinson, Steven hutton, ashok jindal, bob johnson, brian keay, Cynthia kelly, jim klachan, katherine la hay, lynn marshal], Colin mcandrew, jim mccaw, alan myrvold, kevin picott, heinz plaumann, james puttick, bernie roehl, david roenspiess, herman sethi, nick smith, g. e. toogood, rob vanes, terry visentin, jeff wilmer.

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!Ulisphnt. Friday, Dechber

.RIGIQ \ STOOL. \

/

IO,1982

-, ’ 1:

‘~,

._

- ._ .

Excuse me, but I . thinkthere’s a . mouse under your --dess . . .

-

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,

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i

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*


;story

by jim gardner

Begin in a neutral position.

I

Soften her up by telling how your puppy died.

Play hard to get in order

to catch her attention.

Don’t stop talking until she breaks

She will begin crying again; console

She is now like putty in your hands. Sweep her up and tell her e‘verything is al1 right.

She will respond encounter:

immediately

Begin in a neutral

When you know he is looking in your direction, thinkof lfelt the day you realized most men are jerks but the alter are worse.

into tears.

Tell him some bleary-eyed story to explain why you’r (e.g. tell him how your puppy died). He too will begin v thus softening himself up.

her.

and possibly

position.

suggest

a sexual

Leap into his arms and thank him for comforting

you.


willing

victim:

ron green

Begin on a bench, pretending

it is the cockpit.

Both look at the 747 that narrowly brushes thanks to inexperienced air traffic controllers.

into tears.

im to console

respond ter.

driving

you. This makes him feel all masculine.

immediately

and possibly

suggest

a sexual

Make sure you share the binoculars. see her house even if she canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t.

force:

linda carson

Look to either side to see the clouds and the birdies flying by.

past your wing

For fun, say that you can

Show her how it really feels to be in an airplane. Pick her up and fly her around.

Take the binoculars and look down at the ground. See if youcan see your own house.

If she is upset at not being able to see, comfort were just kidding.

her and say you


\

tained by veteran’s veteran G. Bernard Shoehl). A stunningly average Commentator Prescot “out Theatresports game between of his” Gourd began the two rookie teams, presseagerly awaited contest by ganged into action five min- . asking for a fair fight with utes before the show led to a minimal tasteful content. The audience took him at his word near-riot in HH 180 last and bawled ever more helpful Saturday. suggestions throughout; they Patrons were only kept from leaving by their innate bayed approvingly at the first loyalty to this madcap sport, challenge of the evening, a their confusion at the new one at that the “Theatre in the Rotund” con“Trouser game”. . r . This pitted . . . . members tr’om the opposing cept ot seating, and the manteams in a game whose object agement’s cunning poswas to remove one’s opponitioning of “airplane lost in the fog” impressions at all ents trousers in the context of potential exits. a scene. Ms. Cardner’s extraordinarily innovative, if In recompense the second brutal, technique (see photo) half saw a Battle Royal won the game for the “Nuts” between the “Herpes Condespite strong rear-guard nection” (led by Crud Temaction by Alehehex B.. pleman) and the notorious Stagetime scenes by the “Donuts for Christ” (Cap’ “Nuts” included a wistful by anonymous misprint non-staff

evocation of a first premature and should be well enough for ejaculation and a slow-motion his record-setting fiftieth ap“cannibal” scene which gave pearance (this term) next us a new slant on eating out. week. The “Herpes” fought back ’ Despite the loss of a team’s valiantly winning the next member the “Herpes Connecchallenge and piling up the ‘tion” came out on top by the points with a scene set in a narrowest of margins. MVP gynecologist’s office in Botswent deservedly to rising star wanaland. The use of props in Muffin Trolley in part, no this scene was particularly doubt, for his great characterinventive as one might ization of an electric cuimagine, and for once Fred E’s cumber. The evening concluded .(nee. R’s) little girl * .characterrzatron was perfectly apt: this with the -Iusual expression of reviewer is at a loss to see on heartfelt emotion to the what grounds the judges Drama Department for the ordered the first-ever sendinguse of their sauna, and an inoff in Theatresports history. junctionto the audience not to The game continued at miss the last game of the breathless pace and was season at 8 p.m. on Saturday, marred only by Feather December llth, HH 180 Nervy’s “manipulations” which will be followed by a scene with Shoehl which party for all Theatresports resulted in the fur litterally (Players and Audience) in HH flying. Shoehl is recovering, 373.

Cardner

shows Behehelak

no mercy in “Trousers misprint

photo

Game”

by john

w. blas

Blood and Guts box office smash by john w. blast misprint staff

The

box-office

smash,

Blood and Guts on the Highway Of The Future With A Dozen Blondes In A Grand Prix, is everything one

could have expected of this latest MGM release starring old favourite Chuck Bronson, with special appearances by Charles Heston and Loni Anderson. The basic story goes something like this: Boy meets car. Boy arms car with howitzers, machine guns, grenade launchers, spikes, barbed wire, whirling machete blades, and for good measure (presumably to attract the younger crowd-) laser beams. Boy launches himself on a vendetta against a sociey that rejects him and his values in favour of law, order, and highway regulations. Boy wastes an MG and its driver (Heston), a divorcecourt judge with cancer. Judge’s eighteen year old wife falls in love with Boy. Six sordid love scenes. A limited amount of S&M. This

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15 Misprint.

‘With My Feet L

Dancing ,

by gristle bauman misprint staff The story of Mumford, a young chiropodist who is crippled by ear of gravy, is central to Dancing with My Feet On, by the surgical dance company, Pretentious. The story goes like this: Picture Humanities, the stage draped with drapes. Slowly, on ? floor, white creatures begin to writhe, separate frpm each. ler and begin to-rise. We realize that it is Mumford and his rse, and they are looking for a contact lens. They stand and in joignant moment we hear the crunch as Mumford’s nurse, snna,, does a pliee on the lens, transforming it into tiny inters. rhere is a blackout. Then, fourteen midgets, each carrying a stic model of an eye (representing the splinters of thecontact s) come out and dance the touching story, “I was round and N I’m sharp”. Again, a biackout. vlumford and another girl pop out of the scenery (Mumford uerly imitating clumsiness by getting his tights snagged on a ejecting nail) and enact Mumford’s first Dinner at Her Parents use. Her father is a retired Nazi and he asks why any ropodist would wear tights and wants to see if Mumford is

hue .

Story:

was rudely awakened not very much later by a bearded guy 1 poked me in the ribs and asked if I wanted to play a game of tronic tennis. I was mad at him for waking me up, but I’d er played electronic tennis, so I said I’d play. As the game got erway the stranger said his name was Scrote MurEh? and : he was recruiting for the campus paper, the Imprint. Little I know that my innocent questions would lead me into two lths of utterhellat the handsofdemented, wicked cult leaders their brainwashed disciples. crate told me that Imprint was run and funded by the lents of U of W. He said the paper was a fun place to learn ut journalism, and he mentioned meetings and parties, and Imprint farmhouse on Columbia Lake where special‘uriting its’ were held on weekends. I told Scrote that I was definiteI> rested in Imprint and then he invited me toa‘writingclinic’at

‘12

nt until

you

can

serve.

93

mprint farm house that weekend. arrived at Columbia Lake the following Friday afternoon . classes and proceeded to the big stone farmhouse that Eh? described to me. As 1 got closer I was impressed by the : tennis courts and indoor pool that were covered by a large . plastic bubble. I was also impressed by’the several young 11eabout the farm who carried tennis racquets and wore :: tennis clothes emblazoned with black Imprint logos. hen one of th:: white-suited people spotted me he blew a tle and everyone on the grounds stopped their activit), and d at me, making me feel like some kind offreak. Then Scrote Eh? appeared from inside the farmhouse and yelled :thing unintelligible, and everyone went back to what they doing. rote took me through the farmhouse where I saw Imprint ples silently working on articles in little glassed-in cubicles, le of them started shrieking at our approach, but MurEh? lined she wasjust upset because her story wasn’t carried that , and briskly led me through the rest of the strange retreat (to .ecreation area) to meet the editor of Imprint, Lenerd unche. .munche was sitting on a golden referee’s chair looking over :nnis courts, shouting out serving drills to the white-clad, ting youths who frantically tried to keep up. When he ed Scrote and 1 on the back-court he screamed something elligible. The frenzy immediately halted and the glazed rs were led away by a large, hairy man (who 1 later learned the tyrannical typesetter. John W. Fish ) to typesetter nals which waited for them at the edge of the tennis courts. munche leaped down off his throneand thrusi out one of his )ns at me, saying, “ Hellow, I’m Gamunche, what’s your 7” look his proferred racquet, told him my name, and said I nterested in doing Arts reviews. The evil leader liked-me [se I was wearing a pair of Nike Courtsand assure-d me there plenty of reviews out there, but I’d have to attend some s first. riting clinics?” I asked innocently. rving clinics!” screamed the now bouncing Gamunche, his julging unnaturally out like a couple of red tennis balls. can’t write for the Imprint until you can serve!” etrospect, that statementalone should have beenenough to me to run from t hatinnocent looking stone prison of tennis . But I stayed there, wasissued my white tennisclothes, and

gravy;

circumcised. Mumford replies that he is in a delicate stage of his life where to have Nazis gaze at his genitals is extremely painful. Her father, in a two minute solo, does an impression of a gas chamber and then threatens Mumford with death. In a moving3-second dance, Mumford leaves behind the girl of his dreams. This gives him a fear of gravy and of NazisWe next see Mumford wander into a church for succor, but the priest informs him that succor is only available to those whc have been confirmed and even if he was confirmed, Succor Sunday is still eighteen weeks away. Despondent, Mumford returns to his office, vowing to apply himself to feet. T‘he first act is obviously strong and moving, with excellent dancing by the midgets and wonderful choreography by Blunt Fontaine. However, the movement needs to be more rigid and clutching, tight in the limbs, heavy in the movement, to express more clearly the difference between the dancers and a vent of hydrogen gas. The second act begins in Vienna, five years later. Mumford is a successful chiropodist, but he is unable to eat out, and is required to stay at home with his deaf housekeeper. The deaf housekeeper provides needed comic relief as she attempts to

Tennis

mynathan rudyk former misprint staff 1efollowing is a true story of how Ijoined a cult on campus, Fbrainwashed, and then was captured by a professionalmind lrograrnrner hired by my parents.) t was a stormy night in mid-term land when I stepped out of Math and Computer building on the first of October. I had finished my third mid-term that day and I went over to the npus Centre for a coffee to keep me awake for another night ny chair. I must have been really run down.

0~

Friday, December

girls

IO, 1982-

*

dial a cat, as well as serving a small duck with peach sauce instead of orange. Mumford, despite his wealth, is plagued by nightmares, three of which insist on sitting in his waiting room and chatting about the weather. Finally, he meets a smill child eating an open-face roast beef sandwich and comes to realize that his love for the girl was nothing and gravy is something we all have to deal with. This integration is a bit of a surprise, as I was hoping that the hobsekeeper would eventually turn out to be Beethoven in drag, but it certainly made for a stronger story. In the beginning we are conditioned to believe that only God can preserve a gravy from lumps, but by the end it has become obvious that even without thickeners the lumps will be there. , Dancing With My Feet On makes for an exciting evening in dance drama, but there are a few lapses of movement and energy, especially the point in the second act where all of the singing wajters die of food poisoning. Although it has its serious side, Dancing With My Feet On never makes the mistakes of confusinb movement with action. All in all, an entertaining and fulfilling evening.

cult runs newspaper

.

watched videos of Nastase versus Connors, and performed unmentionable acts with the aid of leather wristband, headbands, and tennis racquets. It seems stupid that I didn’t run away after that strange day at the Imprint farm, but the effect of all the exercise and silenceand constant bombardment of tennis and typesetting theory left me so tired that I placidly went to my glass cubicle ir the farmhouse, and slept until four hours later when Scrote MurEh? poked me rudely in the ribs again and said toget up for morning tennisdrill. The Saturday of that two-month long weekend was much the same as the day described to you above. with only the development of my tennis game and typesetting skills producing any change in the level of mental and physical abuse doled out by Gamunche, MurEh?. Fish . and Hanurchin. The‘reporters’were never allowed to ta1 k to one another. or to leave the farm unless we were on assignment for a story. My first story assignment came one month after my fateful cukzted tenruk balls 1 first meeting with MurEh?, and when I learned about it from Gamunche ; frothed’ with glee, threw my racquet in the air and jumped into the pool, beha\.iour which cost me dearly in tennis drills the following day. pool priestess, Slivia Hanurchin -- Imprint secretary, and the What Gamunche wanted me to do was write a review of an person who would oversee rn~~ soggy meals for the next two Engineering undergrad lecture, since this would take readers months. away from the Irorl Warrior, and maybe convert a few engineers Hanurchin sat in a sil\,er life-guard chair in front of the‘eating to tennis. 1 had to go to the review with another member of pool’. She leas wearing a flowing white Imprint robe and beckoned us to sit down around the pool. She told us that eating ai the Imprint farm was done under-water, by sucking our meals obt of food-tubes in the pool’s bottom. We were told that the stupid ritual would teach us concentration and co-ordination, something that would improve our tennis sert.es. and thus make us better reporters. We were too tired to argue with the ludicrous logic of slimy Slivia. so we Imprint, a girl, and so we would look normal to outsiders, we donned our watergogglesand plunged into thecold water to suck were given U of W sweats, and K-way windbreakers. up scanty portions of rice and vegetables. We never had meat at At the lecture I saw my pre-cult roommate from VII, who had the pool’because it was supposed to clog up the tubes. assumed I had moved t6 Sunnydale and a life of iniquity. but was I After eating our one meal of the day, we went toan empty white room in the farmhouse where we sang editorial hymns and Continued on next page a glass writing cubicle in the farmhouse. Then I was put under the sadistic direction of John W. Fish, the tyrannical typesetter. Fish is a mountain of a man, and a human ball machine, able to lift three typesetter terminals with one quick movement of his hairy arm, and able to ejaculate tennis balls with machine-gun rapidity from his huge, fish-like lips. He yelled amost unintelligibly into my ear at my first drill that the ability to serve is a must for anyone who pretends to be an Imprint reporter, and then, put me in a line with other‘hopeful Imprint reporters, and proceeded to wear us down as we chased after the ridiculous “serves” that he spit out of his mouth. After four hours of this degrading exercise, broken only by breaks of typesetting, and two more hours of serving technique under Lenerd the lunatic. we were shuffled tiredly over to the

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by anne “not q”wimp” flemirrg imps haye gone by different names in the past (,nkrd for: exam’ple) but the notion of ‘winip’ is timelessi it has r&m_ained coiistant throughout I the ages. Eveyrone-has epcour@red the Clas+ic wimp. \i Ff?ould y& like @ know eor&?? Yoir can pick up a, Wimps cbm_e in two gene&21 body types ;ectoinorljSls and’ handbook at the K-W Rotary/ Chil&en’s Centre .A .endomoprhs. The endomor&s are shor~.ari$fat, the ectos tall -pa’ ’ Better @I: corn@ tb an’infofmgtional r$eeting on _ ,and skinny, but they ,share: many 6har@@tisti&, including 1, Sunday, Ja)k 9th at 2#pm. at the:Rotwy Childkejn’s I V complexion. A spotted complexion is a near, but not komplet’e, i Centre, ,828 King pt.‘,W. (opposite K-w’ Ho$pital) ‘nece’ssity for a f&-bl,ooded, wimp. Often, in fact, the wimp , Th&progr&n is bponsored by the 4 Rotary Cl& of. receives- the uncalled-for. appellation of f’Pizza-Face”. ’ T XITCHENER 1 ’ ‘1‘The dr&$ code for t& t wo types ar& however, at apposite and WAATERLoO’ _, _ 17-’&tremes. The endomorph drg&s sloppily--shii&ils hanging 1 And Clip ihis Ad As A, Reminder Of The Date ._,:.-; , l’out, -pan@ falling ‘down &%l &easy., unkempt*?hair: The ectomorph, on. the &ier haqd, dr&se&, too neatly. The pants, always he14 up with a belt, are pulled tool&h: / I- A R .

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f‘he wears jeans, they are ironed. The’jean-cladwimp,‘how’ I everp islsomewhat of a rarity. The general attire ranges. fr-om polyester leisure.suit green td polyester leisure-suit I ‘., baby -blues. 4: ,I- The upper portion of the ectomorph’s body is also polyester,’ dominant. Often the. shiits will have large disco-type flower * ’ prints: Quite-often also, the wimp will wear a plain or pale green \ or white cotton shirt, buttopedallthe wayup to thecollar withq.Q , , I . 1x _1 tie. .Thi& is his idea Of ‘casual’. The two wimp types differ little.:in’i&ere$s and basic merital , -. /d makeup: They both are -fasciqated by math, Although they r . 1 - pretend to be interested and &loquent in’ English, they fail to She might also, h.dwever,,bk a”home-maker’ type - interests develop meaningful insights. Their re&interest is’spapked by he&elf solely in cooking, sewing, and cleaning. This type of . such actitiities as memorizing the first seventy or so digits df,pf.. wimp,,,ofte-n euphemistically called a -loser, takes a sincere and . I hearty interest in that laughable _ subject called homeecononiics. , 1 oreov.er, the wimp’s interest is also triggered by / ’ fantasy games, like Dungeons and Dragon?. ’ ‘M 1 Y’ Qtiite often ‘, a wimp will ’ join the Society for Creative-Anachronisms.xThis statement is not meant to imply erws <this little treatise on wimps gi&s)you, ths that everyoFe whopl’ays D&Dor b&lot@ to the SCAisa wimp; It reader, just a small insight into the classification and definition of the word. Of course, the term.is flexible. . is only an accurate account of the typical hobbies of a’.really and is used by‘.different- people in different ways. If you arc __ lot”limit&d to the inale se%. Alth&gh.it’is%rtie ” ‘intere’stedindebating gour definitiori of:awimpwith2the;qpthor’s -rosfly-applied to that gender, the female wimp or object t:o:the contents of fhis paper, since t’hey appear tc Ldn. have exactly the same interests and attitude des/cribe you, please call-the author to discuss the matter.,$hc . ? \ as the male wimp. . will tell‘ you; quite succinctly, where ,to go. She’s np wimp. r

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.getti& wdiried :wh& I hadti’tcome back for my&-e6 after-one _ 1L.~.month:So, ‘my roommate tried to a’pprdach ti&&$m$cult-date to See &ha5 tiasgoing on, but the Imp&t wd’&&i Lpstted him - befoie I-could i-e‘spond, a-nd being a muscul,a~“fer&%t like all , en, she was able tocarrjr .me,bodily out tifli’e.lectuie I - Imprint’wb . ‘hall, t&the h’I ofs and applause @th&&r&i&rs &h&~ho~~ght she was just another hornytFemme-Eng venting her frustrations. After that incident .I was forbiddkn to leave the farm evei’ again, and if it wasn’t for the suspicion bf my roommate; I might never have left’ &a1 ‘vegetable-sucking inferno of tennis torture. ,,‘CJ’ I alerted my parents that something weird was *.*.“ ,/- $$$$&c5m~aie g’oing on, and told them that he thought 1 might be Dart of one of b’ supfiosed-to exist3.p cqmpus. Sin&ky-paknts be stuck payiv ,@y -QSAP, they called in., ‘.~ : deprogtanim&to%t&.ie me. . 1 \.1 The,dc!$-ogtr<p&er @$$ G&F-op P$y$stu#ent named J:G. I (!: ( stil!,~+$$m’~q,~know,:.what *.J. - G: -stood for). ~~~‘.~--~;H~,~~,~~v~~ .~;ii~~,t~~~~~~~~r’lrgrarn’rning cour$qs-in COBOL,’ g,. y bk I .-n1 .A :“hh8@c, !&tie l&ew&hat he wasd$ng.-He simplp pis whit&and showed up on the courtsLone day hile Mvas ii&g a lessdn. on mid-court volleys with some other’ $ple< ($i,qc&‘I :ti&i~~ to-be trust.ed bff~thed~ur;~ I ~&~madq$i..:~ -. 7 nr@s.inst~r~+ctof)., ,, - -. . _ - I ,’ 5

. When thedriliwas over Hand.$o~erd&~e over to tieandsaic he-had a message frog my parents. I-!poked.at hi? dumbly for; minute ~and’.theq recognized him as an -enem$,of .tennis, s,o’ jumped on him. We rolled, all’over the qourt=like ,a couple.lo helple~s.~hildr~~, and,-1 f6lt suffocated. when he roiied on’ me, hi s&&4z@, matchegi: by nijf weakened konditionl I roll-cd. ove him. We rolled 6vey me. They rolled ovei him. We rolled over u: Finally Handimover injected me.with a needle full bf chea drugs, ending our Nabokovian struggle, and carried me off to th farm. . It took one-_week of.Handimovei’s therapy, 30-dozen Harvey’ hamburgers, and,3,000 repetitions of “Boy, you sure can be a idiot sometimes,” by.iny Dad to sn lap rn;G out of mycultishdaze. have suffered pervanent clannage, naee. hdweve’r: hdweve’r; .II shake llricor uricor trollably when 1 see swcimming 1~qo~~~I,&+migr,&ines when 1 hea the word f‘typesetter”,tand I,>bl+rf outright $heri I watch Bjor .’ Borg selling designer jeam- tin t+~+@s&n. “:&.,+i;-:jr .’ What I _want my. sto@o$QZ, ~~~$ert’peoplc?t~~~~e reality of tk Imprint cult so they can piot&t ~~emselv,es.fr~~~eawful thiq that happene.d to me as a.rhetil bkx of Impririt; I also .hope that by readi: ng 1:his story, Wi-m Sbminex and h Ytiill ‘c ut .:fending. tobthe Itiprint, free t1 -bari& of malconte& the ,fa-rmho&e. at .Eolumbia’Lak :qel -d Gamui?chF,‘Sl,ivi.a Hanurchi )tice,d by us ztimbies. %h&t&t rule of silenceat the farm h&j’ John W. fish an@ ScroW! MU pgh?-and linakgs‘them reporters qsed ‘us t&Icon&+-rite only on tennis and t~~&tting, ai&. :- Students’ Council’meeting$ i fo % a’ae,wlg’iformed s@dent pap’ fiore anyfhigg .&&&e-n each &her. ‘ I -I‘ I free from the corrupt ideolc al p@&ri& of tennis. _ .r ,-* , , .% _ 1

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it’s 11:30. There’s no action in the place at all; and there’s 9 bugger-all on the TV. It’s secondpitcher city, and the world is still steady . . . and closin’ time’s ‘a comin’. The story of my life, right? So I saunter up to the bar, sneer knowingly atthe booze racked up just out of my reach. Whatthell, Ithinkto myself, and summon the bartender with a long, hard, cold, calculating glance. “Mix me a drink,” 1 say, slowly but firmly. “Mix for drink whose purpose can be nothing but anaesthesia. frills, nothing to dull the impact of the booze, nothing pretty it up. Mix me a drinkthat means business, one will tell people my only reason in being here is to blitzed.”

me No to that get

“It should be a drink that says to the observer, this man wants to get drunk fast. He wants his brain set in neutral and his liver threatened with imminent demise. He’s not at this bar to meet people, socialize, chat about the weather, talk politics or listen to music. The drink he is holding tells the entire story.” because

I glanced

about.

no

one

in

his

I had an audience.

“It should say, the drinker doesn’t want anything but to dive to the bottom of his soul through a sea of ethanol and never come up. This is high tragedy, deeply personal, and no one else is invited. If you tried to comfort him he’d hit you, and if you looked at. him questioningly, he’d spit in your eye sooner than talk to you.”

Three

should

embalm

him.”

I paused for effect. Then, looking at him directly for the That had the desired effect. The barman and I were : first time since I began, I said earnestly, “Mix me such a alone. He stared at me, mesmerized. No one had ever drink.” ordered a drink like that, here. People here were up and coming, not out and going . . . but he seemed to begetting He did a good job. I had two, got some Chinese food, the idea. I concluded, “The drink I contemplate is not for and drove home. 1think I killed a squirrel on the way. . .

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A leg up on the rest, pg. 22

hen nature calls, pg. 20

Vaterloo

or bust. a .

\

all by Don Button Misprint staff On Saturday, the Waterloo Warriors football team opened eir winter season with a 35- 14 win over a McMaster Marauder am that, for all intents and purposes, wasn’t really in the game. Waterloo opened the game with an 80 yard scoring drive from e opening kick-off that took all of the first quarter and three inutes of the second. Coach McKillop was pleased with his team’s performance. In post-iame interview he said that “I don’t think they were as lysical as they are capable of playing, but they worked well gether, and it was a well-balanced attack that moved the ball )wn for the TD.” “We couldn’t get Chelmecki outside the contain where we znted him to throw from,” he went on to say, “but he had a good Lme throwingfrom the pocket.” McKillop declined the offer to comment on the fact that the ‘arriors fumbled twice on their opening drive, despite the fact at the McMaster team bus was held up in traffic and the aurauder team did not arrive at Seagram Stadium until 6:30 m. on Saturday, a full hour and 15 minutes after the -game had Ided. It was this opening touchdown drive that set the stage for the ‘arrior victory. Minutes after the major score, Waterloo added their lead when a 57 yard punt by Stan Chelmecki sailed over e area where the McMaster players would have been, for a ogle point. Chelmecki, who also handles the quarterbackingduties for the ‘arrior team, was forced to concede a safety touch in the dying conds of the first half, leaving Waterloo with a narrow 8-2 half ne lead. Oyerall, the first half did not produce the offensive results .pected of the Warriors. McMaster’s presence on the field was inimal, and on numerous occasions were playing one man ort, and yet Waterloo could not capitalize on the excellent field Jsition they had enjoyed for most of the second quarter. ‘aterloo turned the ball over on downs seven times inside the cMaster 15 yard line.

nay have been a nice, sunny

day in Hamilton,

but in Waterloo

win!

-

McKillop replied, “We changed a few of the blocking assignments. McMaster did not come out as physically as we had expected and we had to allow for that.” “You work all week, expecting certain things, and when they didn’t show up, we had to re-think our whole game plan. Some of the guys just didn’t adapt as quick as we had hoped,” McKillop went on to say. For the Warriors, this opening win is just what they needed to get their season off to an optimistic start. Warrior fans should be aware that their next games will be against tougher competition than McMaster proved to be. As Art Heier, offensive game star, said, “They’ve got a lot of holes to fill. I was all alone out there on a few plays.” McKillop and his contingent are looking forward to next Saturday’s encounter with Guelph and will try to improve their l0 record. Kick-off time at Seagram Stadium is at 2 p.m. and fans are’ encouraged to come out and cheer on their gridiron heroes. Official logo of the OUAA

winter season.

The start of thethird quarter was the turning point in thegame, _ and the 9 or so fans at Seagram stadium responded with a grin. White returned the opening kick-off 45 yards to set up two quick completions to Gord Grace and Art Heier- to give the Warriorya first and goal on the McMaster twb yard line. Stoneman took the first down hand-off around the end when the middle was blocked off, and dove into the end-zone at the corner. A holding penalty negated Stbneman’s scoring effort, but on the next play, Chelmecki found Gary Garbut in the endzone and gave the Warriors a 15-2 lead. Heier and Grace each got touchdowns early in the fourth quarter, and with the converts and 27 and 16yard field goals from Chelmecki, the Warriors rounded out the scoring, while holding McMaster to two touchdown passes to Jim Jordan of The Band, who filled in for the regular McMaster slot back. When asked what he had said to the players in the dressing This is a football. room at half time to turn the game around so drastically,

the wintry

conditions

made things a little rough on the fans.

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by Don Button Misprint staff The first annual Faculty/ Student Pedal Car Rally ended in misfortune for Campus Security, who lost one of their cars that was run over by car number 45, driven by U. R. Intheway. The three lap race started off innocently enough, with English professor, Dr. M. Y. Carr taking an early lead, followed closely by undergrad I. L,. Passout. G. 0. Faster of the Math Department, and N. 0. Stamina raced neck and neck for third and fourth spots. Ron ‘Push me please’ Davis brought up the rear, two lengths behind G. 0. Getter and U. R. Intheway. Campus Security patrolman, I. M. Apig intervened late in the second lap, when he felt that the racers were pedalling too hard and therefore exceeding the 3.68 mile per hour speed limit on the track. Apig peeled out onto the track, failing to see the speeding Intheway, who porked the patrol car in the front fender, leaving Apig in the

Neither

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bacon as far as his superiors at Campus Security were concerned. The event was won by I. L. Passout in car number 53, a blue speedster that he lovingly calls, ‘Honky Donky the Honky Whalloper’. Passout was unavailable for comment following the race, as he had fallen asleep moments after crossing the finish line. Paul Convent, publicity director for the event, said that he was “relatively pleased with the success of the race, and hoped that Mr. Apig would recover from his injuries in time to be lynched by Stamina and Gofaster”, who were heard to complain that Mr. Apig’s _interference caused thkm to missastrokewhen their rubber pedal covers slipped off. They are filing to co&t the race. -“In a pig’s eye,” said Passout. “I won fair and square, and nobody can take it away from me.” As soon as I. L. Passout wakes up, he will be presented with thegrand prize of an evening for two in the Bombshelter. Second prize was two evenings in the Bombshelter, and wasawarded to Dr. M. Y. Carr.

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by terry bolton ’ At the halfway point, Waterloo k;ad put up with just about ail, ’ was‘ tbo:busy hiding tiehind his beard and making %e for the / misprint staff they could take. To prove to,U of T who was the -better schogl -victoiy celebration. This past weekend, both Waterloo swim teams saw more onCe and for all, two of Waterloo’s top iwimmers took matters,, When U< of T had gathered up their stuff’ and left, Frame , ’ ct-ion than ever\before. The-work was hard and gruelling, but the into their own hands. Warrior Joe Murray-and Athena Lynn ’ -gathered the team around him for his big announcement. The, ! zsults were unreal. Afterwards, t-hey swam for awhile. ’ Marshall decided to exchange bathing suits. With no effort at all* look of anticipation was prominent on everyone’s faces. ’ ! , The action started off in the’ middle of last Friday night’s they blew a’ll the other swimmers out af the-water. Frame began to speak. “As you know, I like to einphasize my rorkbut. The team had just comp,le&d the, hardest set the W&erlooLs “hamburger squad” was knockixig, the’stuffing out ‘work hard/play hard’ philosophy. You’ve just workCd hard, caches had thrown at them, when the U ofTswim teams walked of Toronto’s “prime ribs”. The clobest race’was’the women’s 200 ni)w we’re gonna piay hard.‘It’s time for S&M!!!“ nto thi: deck. It seems that Toronto was supposed to be yard backstroke. After the first 100 yards(4 lengths), Athenas The swimmers cheer&d as they startedplanning their strategies Nimming at York University, but they missed the40i turn-off. - Kate Moore and Kelly Neuber were so!farahead that they got out for Sharks and Minriows: ’ \of T head coach Bryan McDonald the0 got their team of the pool, had a shower, played acoupl+luickgames of squash, “My second treat for you,” Frame contipued, “is to take the 3mpietely lost, and they somehdw turned up here (a’t press time sat in the sauna toloosenup, &me back to thtipopi, swam the last wh@le @am tb see my hometown of Burlingt,on. It’s got to be the !ere was still no word whether they found theirtiay bac.k or not). four lengths, and still- beat all three of ToTonto’s top ranked funneSt place- around. Thi Spoons came frotn Burlington ya -It 6nly,took the Wateiloo coaching staff a few minutes to get swimmers by two and, a half body len’gths. The-crowd loved it. know. It’s the microwave and toaster-oven capital of the wc$d. I. le meet organized, and within ten minutes thestartinggun went -. They cheered so loud that’everyone’s ears were ringing for over It’s really great. I love it!!-!” Ff to the delight *qf the ‘14,000 fans crammed into the poo an hour (but every time it was a wrong number). Tgking one thing at a time, Rod Agar and Mike Sawyer again , ewinggalfer~. r / :: ,l~.’ ,I 1 , , : :; ::5,,,1 rlii’ .“,‘I -.‘li’- i’ .iL-’ F, ./-,. rl i ’2 displayed their amazing S&M skills. They waited until the last ’ ?;he Warriors and Athenas were given some added incentive The final score forthe men’s meet was thesamkas theivomen’s minnow was caug@ before thinking up reasons tihy they could f assistant coatih Rick Frame (a former half-decent Waterloo ‘score. In b-0th cases it was Wateiloo 69,366 Toronto 3. When not go. to Burlington.‘( Everyone kriows that the only difference vimmer turned coach, jock, and,stud). He promised them a asked how he thought his-teamdid,‘hetid coach Dave’Hunchback between B~rlington and a dish ofyogurt, is that t@e yogurt has a ,eallyneat treat” if they won the meet. With this in mind, the ieplied;“Everyone on the team swam really well. The score waka -mark advanced culture.). . , .’ ‘ate‘rloo swimmers went to work. They really work&d hard. lot closer than I thought it would be, but at least be showed them ’ Eventually the team left for a party at coach Hunchback’s bellU of T behaved like they usually do; loud, obnoxious, and that we will give them a run for the money this year.” tower, and ever-popular Ri&k Frame went off to Burlington, uck-up. Waterloo was content with beating them in the pool. Assistant coach Larry Brawley was unable to comment, as he ’ alone, ~ 1 ’ , j :’ :,

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Sports

isproud topresent apictorial salute to the fineathletes who have given whatever it takes to be a winner. Not only have the following UW athletes worked hard to become the best in their field, but they’ve saved the University money on socks as well. No matter what the sport, UW athletes always try to put their best foot forward. We take our hats off to thoseSgallant Warriors and Athenas, who, no matter what the odds, do their best to keep a leg up on the opposition. Here’stoyou...

The latest sports craze to sweep the nation is All-Star shark wrestling. Points are awardedfor thefollowing:first leg, Spoints; 2nd leg, 10 points; resembling something out of a Moulinex, 25 points. Above,fbrmer U W volleyballer, Lou Zmiehlegg is kft Mithout a leg to stand on following his bout with a 1600 lb. great lzlhite at McMaster this past week-end. 1

Above, Denise Argon (151), Eileen Dover(44), and Lena Lott (146)are hoppingmadas thej*cross thqfinish lineina close race in the iast leg of the three legged race. Above right; Jaun Limb recent returnedfrom El Salvador to lead the Warrior’s attack - here’s the real kicker - they lost anywa-19, coming up on: short agains.t York. Les A. Foote (right)shoM*s hphat happens when you serve Mlhilc qfTbalance, and(beloti~lqft), it isnot al\4la.\yseasy to get in thegame on time, but three engineers came to the aid qfNea1 Doh-ne, goaliqfor the U Whatchet thro~~ingteam \ to help him get to the game on time.


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This term, Campus Recreation tournaments involved well over 1000 participants, in 11 different activities, and 29 different divisions. In press releases over the course of the term, Campus Recreation has acknowledged only the winners of these many divisions. . However, in keeping with our philosophy of participation, we wish to acknowledge some of the individuals and teams who did not win in their respective divisions, but nevertheless contributed to the success of the tournaments this term. After all, if it wasn’t / for these people, who would the winners have to beat? Congratulations go out to: - Bobby “All-Sport” who’proved he was human by losing his only squash match 9-1,9-l, after winning inalmost,every ‘other event this term; - West B’s Women”s Volleyball team, who showed up late, but just in time to lose two straight matches; - Notre Dame’s Women’s Frisbee Football teamforbeing the only team to sign-up; _ \., ‘- Peter Hopkins and Sally Kemp .who didn’t win the mixed golf tournament or get their names in the paper the I first time; - all . those golfers who weathered the greens (and’ -weathered the weather) in the mixed golf tournament; 2 Mike Ludgate’s curling rink who accumulated 4.5 total points, only 44.5 fewer than the winning rink; and - St. Paul’s, who showed up for all their Men’s Softball games and earned the distinction of being the only team not to win a game. \ Thanks to all. those who participatedin this term’s tournament , and to those who served as conveners and officials. As is always I , the case - you were all winners.

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Campus - Decoration

Phedawatioh ‘.Ph.lix. Prkents, A Dougie

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Tom-Tom Allison plays Jed. He is a cronic quiche eater with a real zest for life. He plays chess & is banned from all Engineering Pubs.

Skrt Mooray IS Juan the SalesmanJuan hates qurche eatters but he loves money, so he pretends to like everyone A man with commrsston

Jim Gardener is Pepi the European lover. Pep1 meets up with the film’s graphrcist and converts. He then -buys a crossbow and shoots mace.

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“IT dAME FR6M THE QUICHE-OVENS” 1Based on a letter from CHICK WILLIAMS. Screenplay by IHAWN’ MULLARKEY & TOE MURRAY.)Music by MOZART. Iirected. by TIGER TERRY B’OLTON. From USErLESS FILMS

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1982-83_v05,n21_Misprint