Moo! A • Behavioral'. Study of Aunt Hortence's Animal Training
Ezekiel
Pre-pubescent Menace Threatens to Engulf U.S.
Wholesome Singing Groups Notes from the Woods of Verdun Freakout Hungry El Pasoans.
Fear and Loathing in ~e Juarez Room
Editor-in-Chief
Theresa Ann Crowe; Junior. Biology. Happy to announce a second term as edito_r ofEl Burro, of course I can only add that it was because of all you little people out there who praised my first issue.The only other reason lwill resume this position is because no one else could tolerate taking over an office with an array of trays, glasses, taco plates, cigarette butts, and of course the obscene··staff who comes with the office.
Managing Editor
Glenn Patrick Tolbert. Senior. Journalism. A special·. thanks to Mr. Tolbert for his Richard Wheatley story last issue. Also. for keeping me supplied with enough · smokes, and for instituting a policy I'll have absolutely no way of working a schedule around at the library. Other than that Gienn, its been real, but you do have a strange sense of humor.
(;1tief Photographer
Dennis C. Guerra. Senior. Education To the best and only chief photographer. I've ever had
K• .F'Wlt Tb
Woab 0~ Ueuwt
was usually easy to tell, especially
By Glenn·Tolbert if a helmet lay nearby if he was
Many of the forested areas French or German. surrounding Verdun were marked My accuracy was. never "Off Limits" in 1957 France. To a· questioned by any of us present, military brat like myself, the signs and this' left me with a rather were, explicit orders from Uncle ~orbid sense of accomplishment. Sam not to be questioned. To my The sound of my sentence being playmate, little 8 year old enunciated would bring us hack to Fernand, these signs were just the original intent of our visit to another part of his habitat leaving the forest and our merriment the woods open to his free time would continue. The scene in and consequently making them which we had just taken part easier for me to ignore also. • changed our games from war to Fernand and I would romp the enjoyment of the less morbid throught the woods of Verdun secrets of the forest. playing soliders. Usually he would My family and Fernand's both take the part of the 'inconquerable lived in the tiny town of Dugny, a French' and chase me out of my few miles from Verdun. Dugny hiding places screaming, "Come had more to it's character than the out you German pig," much to the war torn forests which surrounded dismay of my German mother. it. One character, the local These hours spent playing war postmaster, Monsieur Dunlop, was were often interrupted when the everything a small town French both of us stumbled across the mailman should be and more. His remains of the actors who played enjoyment of life was made their parts in this same area, a few possible by being in a continued years before our arrival on the aesthesized state of drunkenness. scene. The sounds of our During his ramblings through the merriment would come to an village with his leather mail hag on abrupt end when we found his shoulder, he would often leave ourselves gazing at a skull and a trail of correspondence, marking fragments of a uniform. At these the exact route he had staggered times Fernand would quietly that day. It was the official duty whisper, "another one, long of each pre-school child to follow dead," and I would identify which him and insure that the letters he country this one now rotted for. It. dropped were placed in the hands
THE El BURRO
• the pleasure of workini!: witli. •I sincerely hope you return .• to. school next fall so I can continue giving you orders.Besides I want you to take back what you said • about power going to my head. It absolutely did not, just because I'm going to use El Burro t6 take over the world.
Assistant Photographer Donald Taylor Knott. Sophomore. When you disappeared •into thin air and left nothing behind but a • pile of white powder I finally realized what living like a hippie can do to a person after a while. IfI could just tape some of the things you say I'd have enough material for 3 or 4 issues of this magazine.
Writing Staff:
Ann Keller-Stick with me and you '11 be bigger than Hunter Thompson could ever hope to be. So you're only a freshman, it'll pass.You've got talent kid. Cindy Curtis-See I used all of your stories. Thank you for all the help you've given, as you know we're extremely well organized for •a hunch of degenerates
May 1974
Tonl Enger-Be careful or they'll time but whose contributions were have you around just to carry the not presented properly. Thanks instruments. also to those who submitted Edward Hayte-AU in all you're. a anonymous material. very talented writer, you might try. And now I would like to it as a profession.....:it even pays introduce to welL Managing-Editor
Danielle Alvarez-At least you • W, Ehinger. .He is extremely. keep me supplied musically while talented as you will find out. But I I'm typing. I think I owe· you a. also owe John an apology for not pack and a half by now. giving him a by line on his Francis Tom Waldrep-I'm sure as hell glad· Xavier Mastres story in the last you know what you're talking· issue. about, because I sure· don't, but E~ Burro, · the University of I'll print it anyway. Texas at El Paso variety magazine Special thanks to David for his is published by Student ideas; Greg for coming in the • Publications, El Paso, Texas. The office at -the right times, Felicity., opinions expressed in El Burro do Ester for putting up with the not necessarily reflect those of the -weirdos in the little office, Joseph University of Texas at El Paso. della ··Malva for being of great Letters to the editor, art, short assistance. everytime I need to stories, poetry, essays, satire, and extend the deadline, David Davis photography are welcomed an~ for always kissing me in the right may be delivered to the El Burro place, Bill for getting me through office if you can find it in Student this semester because I'm always Publications Union West. We working on the paper, and to • reserve the right to accept and edit everyone who promises to read any material for publication in El this gem. Apologies to those I Burro, but we probably won't forgot and to those who were nice because we can all think of enough to submit material last something better to do.
of their rightful owners. Due to •hands but was trembling S!,> that he again. Fernand broke the, silence •. • the vigilance of the village tots, spilled the half of it on his lap. "I and shattered the peacefulness I d F d • 1 d d t am sorry· Mada·m," h.e moaned. "It felt by • bringing up something
myself an ernan me u e a times, Monsieur Dunlop was able is what I have seen and done in the completely unrelated to my to retire from the postal service place they sent me. I think my feelings at the moment. "They are • hands wi·11 always d.o this." still there," he said, gesturing with a nice pension.
My postal duties and forest The entire situation never really towards where the woods began." games were often interrupted by struck me as being strange, not Most of them were taken away in trips to visit the German half of until 1968. the last few years and buried, hut the family. My father was in the In '68 I found myself back in some are still there." American army and my mother France, after ten years away and 3 We stood and walked back to being German caused me to he • years of American High School. the. village, where after a few shuffled between France and My mother and I were riding a . goodbyes, the train whisked us Germany. While in Germany ten train through the woods of through the woods. "They are still year old Dietmar and I would also Verdun. The journey had brought there," I thought, gazing out the play soldiers. This time of course, news of Monsieur Dunlop's death. window.
• I was taking the part of the The cause, cirosis of the liver, I never thought paSt those trees di F ch M·lit surpn·sed ·no one. It also cound before. It never occured to me ''cow a r y .ren 1 ary 1, that in a few months friends of Machine," and my grandmother's Fernand and I strolling along the mine would perhaps join them, apartment complex t.urned into a slowly moving Meuse River, not on the same terrain, but the. battleground. pointing out our favorite same earth, thousands of miles War games were interrupted for strongholds of yesterday in the t~urs down the· Rhine, where the woods. Cows were grazing amid away from th is peaceful scene in a ld f •• ·t• t abandoned hunkers m· front of the more tropical setting. Monuments ship wou ree 1 s passengers o
• s: "fi t· d·ark w·oods and· w1·th the w·ater were built for them too. climb about ancient 1orb 1ca 10ns Do Asian children who scamper •and more recent war memorials. flowing at. our backs we sat atop a through the jungle find them and These recent statues and plaques •grassy knoll and took it all in stand bewildered? were dedicated to "the war", the reenactment of which l seemed to be •continually playing a very fluctuating role.
One return trip to Dugny found the usually peaceful village· in an state of unusual joy, for a young man who had gone into •the Army · was now returhed to the village aft~r a. year in Algiers. He had acquired · two weeks leave and spent most of it going from house to house and spending a few hours at each telling solidier stories. • When he came to see us, my · mother poured him· coffee which he gratefully accepted with both
Wholesome Singing Gr~ups Freak Out Hungry El Pasoans
byEDHAYTE
How does one explain a enomonon one does not begin understand? The whole affair, m the prelude, was so complex would seem to defy analysis, i yet it is a matter of 1rnalistic policy that the public ; a "Right to Know," and who , I to· keep the public from owing?.
fhe problem was, I couldn't m classify the account of what >k place. Entertainment? I Iced briefly to Beth Jones about tting it in the Prospector, and · : started mumbling something )Ut Graham Nash and shuffling mnd nervously, emptying ash y~. Fashion, perhaps? Possibly, t the raiment of the singers was ly a •small part of the total • :ctacle. Humor? Hardly. Even in : cold light of retrospect, I can ·er no explanation for what shall ;ome known as "The Event," ii.ch adequately covers all the own facts, so it will merely be :sented as an article, and the 1der can decide for himself if it "News" or "~cience Fiction.". The Facts
Up to a point, I remember it all itty well. Dennis had cut his .r and shaved his beard and md a job. Not the one he cut hair and shaved his beard for;' >ther one where it wouldn't re made any difference. I had ) applied for the same job, but l failed the physical, and was ,tty depressed, and Terry and I l had a fight, and I was >ressed about that too. But then rry and I made up, and Dennis l gotten off work and I wasn't >ressed any more.
fhe three of us were sitting ;und the living room and we all terribly, unaccountably, 1gry for some reason all of a Iden. After a brief debate· on ere we should eat, some of ich was conducted in the car, I my everlasting shame, suggested go to Sambos. For this, I must my most sincere apologies my friends and colleagues. tually it should have been less a shock had we considered that mge occurrences are nothing vto Sambos.
!t was Sambo, the reader will all, who was set upon by a up of apparently neurotic tigers
o robbed him of his clothing I were foiled .in their escape . :mpt by Sambo who,in a fit of 1d rage; •. and . allied. with the
Power~ of Darkness, cast a spell on the offending tigers which caused them to run in continuous circles around a tree. Sambo later took pity on the beasts, and turned them into butter. In the heat of the publicity surrounding this amazing feat, Sambo dropped out of sight, only to reappear years later, •after once again using his powers to change his color from black to some obscure Indo-European olive hue, enabling him to amass a fortune in the restaurant business by capitalizing on his once famous name.
The warning should·. have been clear, for at the same Sambos where The Event took place, but several months earlier, Dennis and • I were given menus upside down by the restaurant manager, who
have to .check· with Dennis and Terry to reassure myself that some of the things I remember actually did.occur.
We went into the dining room out of habit. After all, who wants to sit in the front and be stared at like some zoo animal trying to eat? Who indeed? The first shock upon entering the dining room seemed to destroy any will on my part to resist. The total visual effect was too ·much to cope .with all at once; to my right, a mad swirl of red, white and blue. Instinctively, my gaze shifted to the left, where I saw an incredible sea of middle-aged people who were garishly costumed in flannel outfits featuring spangled cacti and ranch houses. Inili.e corner was a woman weaf!llg __ a dress
occupied by sixteen fresh faced young men and· . women, identically clad in matching red, white, and blue plaid jumpsuits. These young people had an air about them reminiscent ••of The Young Americans, who sang with Johnnie Mathis several years ago. I am sure you know what I mean; they were so clean-cut looking, it made you want to go home Iand brush your teeth, or possibly even get them capped.
Slowly, the truth began to seep into my ruined brain, and itwas so simple, it was almost laughable: there was a wierdo convention in town, and these folks were delegates. Somehow, even armed with this knowledge, I felt little comfort. My fingers gripped the edge of the table until my
In sixteen part harmony? Oh my God, it's Oz! Quietly at first, but gaining in volume! Dennis is no longer twisting his napkin. He is, like myself, paralyzed by the shock, his only movement being a tic over his right eye that I never noticed before. Now Terry is back. We ask what is going on. The waitress says, "They don't tip. They sing songs instead of leaving a tip." This cannot be. The information from the waitress indicates something like this ·may have happened before. Surely not. Our voices quaked as we placed our orders, and the waitress' hand trembled as she wrote.
The song ended. Polite applause erupted, and we joined in unenthusiastically. Now a flurry of red, white, and· blue movement. Oh no. A couple from the clean cut contingent had donned their guitars and were threatening to sing
•
Almost Heaven
West Virginia
Shit. How can they do this to me? Singing off key too. John Denver, I'll never forgive you for tlris. My coffee had come, and I drank it mechanically. When the song was done, we fried eavesdropping on an adjoining table. We needed to hear something completely atonal.
". .and he was pretty mangled up when they put him on the stretcher and took him away, ha ha ha."
"Really torn up, huh?. Ha ha ha."
''Yeah, he really looked awful, ha ha ha."
Nope. No sanity there either. Getting up and leaving would have then took them back and apparently constructed knuckles were stark white. Dennis been nice, but I doubted·seriously explained his nervousness by aluminum foil, looking for all the was sitting bolt upright, nervously if my legs would have supported saying, "I don't even have an world like the tin woodsman twisting his napkin. Terry didn't me had I made the attempt. The appointment with the from OZ. The simile is even make a pretense of remaining thought of lying helpless on the · obstetrician." On still another ine!lcapable. They are all there. calm She went to hide in th e floor of Sambo's among all those occasion, my good friend Gene. -· The heavy set woman _with the bathroom. Perhaps it · was my peculiar people terrified me. What d • d f ·t· 1 • • d • h • wd lose a ;.,..agm·at1·on, but even the d d Keller an I inqu1re o a wai ress eorune re wig w o wo if they gathere aroun _ my what it would cost to secure a beauty ,contest against Berf'-Lahr. waitresses seemed more ort edge helpless, writhing form and began franchise. The waitress brought us The emaciated man in the rumpled than usual. It was as if their to chant their incantations, and a copy of the Sambo's employees· suit. I'll bet he can tap dance like assortment of menus, 0rder forms, somehow took possession of my magazine which, so help me, is • mal ·Munchkins in flannels. The and coffee pots were amulets· to soul? How could I explain it to my called Tiger Rag, and said with only one missing is Dorothy ward off Demons. From the tight mother? No, it was better by far cryptic but unnerving accuracy, • herself. I wondered where she lines around the _eyes, it was to stay where_ I was and hope and here I quote her directly, could be. In a state of numb apparent that the amulets were didn't run amok and_ begin ''You guys might want to read shock, we moved to a vacant table less than effective. Our waitress breaking up the furniture or this. _Its uh, got a lot of shit in it." and sat down. None of us felt up wore th~_ type of pained worse. For nearly anyone, this would to polite conversation by that expressions one expects to see on Softly, lwill leave you have been warning eriough that point. a Christian Scientist who has Softly, for my heart would · Bad Craziness can be expected After giving my nerves. a few appendicitis. break Oz again. But do I from Sambos, at least periodically,: seconds to recover, I once again Roll out the barrel understand them to be talking but what sane human being could turned to the red, white, and blue • We'll have a barrel of fun • abo'\lt leaving?· I drew my first have predicted the grim actuality enigma. It was worse than I had Roll out the barrel h()peful breath in _hours and• that COnfironted us that night? feared. Several tables had been We'll have the blues on the run ;
Wholesome Singing Groups
Dorothy isnit with the Oz released my deathgrip on the table. There was a soft rustly as pulverized Formica fell into my lap. Oh God, another false alarm. The waitress .. was only .then bringing the orders for their table. Besides being wierd, they were terrible liars. But surely they wouldn't sing with mouths full of Sambo Cakes. Oh sweet respite; oh blessed relief.
I pledge allegiance • To the flag Of the United States of America.
Suddenly I felt .a searing pain as my coffee spilled into my lap, the· cup dangling limply from my still crooked finger. Singing the Pledge of Allegiance? The Red, White_and Blue had begun in earnest now, their faces looking optimistically ·towards a bright new world, no doubt one full of acapella singers. We stared at each other in total disbelief. Flecks of foam had begun to appear on Dennis' lower lip.We were going to have to do something fast.
One nation under Go-hod In-di-vi-si-ble.
Even their socks were red, white, and blue. Stripes. And nobody at that table had smoked a cigarette all night. The Surgeon Ge_neral an_d Tony Randall • notwithstanding, .nobody smoking in a group that size just isn't normal. Now I realize why
contingent. Judy Garland must
have endured incredible misery before she managed to do herself in, but I doubt if she could have lasted through more than fifteen minutes_of this evening.Why must it have been that night, of all nights, that there was no table of drunken militants of one minority group or another? My editor was no help at all.· A member of the world's ·largest and most· consistently oppressed minority, a woman, all Terry could do was say, "This isn't happening," over • and over. Dennis, a Chic~go, was crying openly, his fork a mass of twisted wreckage on the plate before him.
But. wait. The entertainers had eaten and were getting ready to leave. I felt some of the color return to my face, and with it, my good spirits came back to me. We were to be spared after all. Then •they were all gone. We allowed. them plenty _of time to completely vacate the premises, then rose to leave. On our way to the do6r, we overheard part of a conversation between a man and a woman where the woman said she felt "safe in El Paso," but the man told her solemnly that there were "a lot of pretty strange people around."
I think he was talking _ilbout us.
Fan· Flocks Band ·Tour-
The Symphonic Band from the University of Texas at El Paso recently embarked on their annual tour; This tour, unprecedented in · character, was limited to the state of·New Mexico and included stops in a· wide variety of such musically oriented cities as La8Cruces,Santa Fe, and the neverto be forgotten Alamogordo. During the tour, it
•. was not uncommon for the the UTEP band to play for crowds.of ·up to. fifty (count 'em folks,50)
the Loretto de Las Cruces shopping center in Las Cruces, N.M.
Glowing phrases and praise were bestowed • upon our university musicians at every step along the • way on their three day tour. An Alamogordo resident, Clem Hicks, • after •viewing our band in concert was quoted as saying, ''We •ain't
• people. · Leisure hours·· of· our collegiate. performers were filled with a variety. • of •diversified activities including: a jaunt had_ this much excitement since Roy Rodgers and Trigger signed autographs down at the general store." The "high" point of the • tour was realized .at El Dorado H.S. in Albuquerque when an
• through . the Socorro, N.M Museum of Art and Natural History (located in the backroorn
• ·of the. Socorro N.M. Lotaburger), unidentified •girl, approximately sixteen yearSof age, was busted •• for smoking a joint in a broom closet adjoining the band room in their music building. ••
•• tasting the unique cuisine of such fine restaurants • as the Sambos
Io cat e d • on Central in Albuquerque, not to mention a three and one-half hour layover at - -
• _Tentative plan,s .· are already in the making for next years' tour, which is to include stops at Fabens, Clint, and Tornillo. •
PRE~PUBFBCENf
Ronald McDonald. made show business • history today when crowd attendance tallies from. his recent tour were announced indicating he had broken the record set this year by Bob Dylan Dylan's highly publicized U.S .• tour was believed to have set an all-time record as concert halls all over America were sold out--in some cases weeks in advance; however, McDonald has apparently broken this incredible record by constantly· drawing standing room only crowds now estimated to have. totaled approximately 5 million. One. e.lft)lanation could be the fact that McDonald's t6ur was set at_ a n:{ore frantic pace than Dylan's: six one-night stands a week with two special matinee appearances each day.
• Dylan's tour was also thpught to be the most star-studded since
>Jehavi?ral
such greats as Joni Mitchell, Dick Cavett, Cher Bono, Jerry Garcia and others were· constantly being spotted in the audience every night. But McDonald apparently topped • that one, too, when celebrities such as Richard Nixon, Fred Hervey, William Latham·, Art Lihkletter and ex-comedian great Spiro Agnew were reported to have been seen standing in line for hours just to shake Ronald's hand.
Said Nixon, "Next to m~rying Pat, it was the biggest thrill of my life!'~
Officials within· the entertainment .• .· industry are reported to still be reeling in shock from the news, however, that too should soon pass when show business-·heads reali_ze •the great selling potential of McDonald.
Recording contracts and netwqrk television appearances are rumored to be in the offing. Although
executives ·within the McDonald's empire deny this, it should be noted that Ronald •• has been practicing and has even gotten his •own band together. They call themselves "Ronald & . the Nutrients".
This phenomenon seems to be only the most recent in a series of events indicating that America's twelve-year-olds are on the rise. The first indication of this came last year when it was announced that the Osmond Brothers singing group sold more records in one year than· Elvis Presley or the Beatles.
Are established show business greats on the decline? Will Ronald McDonald, the Partridge .Family, The Osmonds, the DeFranco Family and others overtake such legions as Bob Dylan, The Greatful Dead, The Allman Brothers and Jimi Hendrix? Only time will tell.
Stu~y_Of .Aunt ••Horten~~,
Animal Tra1n1ng -School.
by Cynthia Curtis
Recently at th.e "Sci~ntific teaches Literary Nitpicking 3101, researchers used in thisstudy was' :•Re~earch Unit ofthe University of and her typical class, consisting of the process_ of elimination, to Te~as at El Paso''.{SCRU-UTEP) a six straights, three chicailos, one discover what ages Dr. tea~ of resehr~hers' have •been 50 year old retired army sargaent, Thistlebottom does not consider conducting some very interesting two hippes, a dozen or ~o the average age of her students to exp~riments. •.The.object of their • psuedo-hippies,. various other be. One year old·· of· below is study is to accurately determine people ·and psuedo 0 people definitely outbecause at least 90% how •. old · our typical •. UTEP (psuedo-people are • those. faint of the •time •Dr: Thistle bottom professor thinks her students are, images .that you see out of the does use _normal English when The basic apparatus consists of edge of your eye. They disappear addressing her pupils. Baby-talk is one typical professor, in this case, if you lookright at them.) saved OHly for those desperate ' Dr. Ambrosia.Thistlebot!om,}ivho The fir st meihod our Continued On Pa~eT· " ·
• Ronald McDonald Loves Chilluns
MENACE 1HREATENS 10 ENGUIF U.S byAnn Keller
•Fear And Loathing
In The Juarez·Room
by John Ehinger
A commentary on my recent elevation to the elite position of managing editor-elect of El Burro and an upcoming folk cultural. event of interest to various sub-cultural grnups in the El Paso section of the western social ecumene.
"Are you washed, are you washed my friend, in the sweet cleansing blood ofthe lamb?
Do you kn.ow,.
do you know- my friend, that the time of the Lord is at hand
These words of an obscure Blue • Grass gospel song were locked in my rn:ind. Scores of people were milling about.· Uncertainty was in the air. My editor fresh from congratulory accolades resultant from the last El Burro was rightfully seeking a full term, a term all her own as sterward of our variety magazine. And here I was sitting along side her waiting to be reviewed by no less than the august assemblage of the UTEP student publications board. I had confidence in her. She had met these people before and come away a winner. But what about me. I was being put forth as, a candidate to become my editors number two man, her veritable right arm. I had done well as an obscure staff member, but who was l to covet.· the managing editors chair. High and mighty people that I had never met, that I would never be prepared to meet, would be asking me questions, would_ be ovserving me, watching me with incisive and knowing countenances. I would be exposed, impailed in my seat and cast away • into the ignominy that I deserved. There was •absolutely no doubt. about iL I was going to crack under the pressure. My vision fogged, my thoughts muddletl and as I heard my •Editors• named called I began to regress.
Now in a full sonambulistic trance I followed Terry: into the Juarez .room. l was vaguely aware of peoples voices _and faces papers_ were rustling, t w-as. completely seized with terro·r Someone was criticizing our • last issues best article, ''I didn'(like the style'', hadn't it been edited,"lf you are reappointed editor can we expect to see more articies like this ~ne".
Poets Corner
di~solved, I was slipping away, slipping away, there was music playing, a crowd of people on a summer afternoon, yes here I was at The Organ Mountain Lodge listening to MarKTwain:'s dog playing
Rolling in my sweet baby's arms , Rolling in my sweet baby's arms Lay around the shack till the mail train comes back
Rolling in my sweet baby's arms·
Nothing_ could bring nie from my revelry now. l was thinking about the bluegrass festival. at the Organ Mountain Ladge next May 4th. I was driving up to the top of the Organ mountains, green Las Cruces was behind me, Ed Hayte .was there with me his banjo on the seat between us. Oh Joy. I have always loved Blue Grass music, ever since the summer of 1967 when I saw Bill Monroe and the Flinch _Mountain boys do The Mule skinner blues at The Blue Grass Music Festival in Watermellon. park in Berryville, West Virginia. I'd been so taken with the event that a photograph of my blissfull face was chosen to grace the cover of the Summer 1967 • edition of Bluegrass unlimited, the greatest honor that I have ever recieved. ·How happy I was to discover that the El Paso southwest is a veritable haven for Blue Grass lovers. And now I was going to hear them. The big River Boys, The Clear Ditch Ramblers, and El Paso's own Mark Twain's Dog. Ah!.· I see it. My favorite • place in Organ New Mexico, the Organ Mountain Lodge, all my friends·would be waiting, we'd all soon be full of music and beer; and beer and music.
And then Terry was tapping me ori the shoulder, I was returned to the terrible reality. ''We've got it John", the words didn't sink in, I followed her out into the hall, people were congratulating her. Suddenly I knew where l. was. They hadn't •even asked me a question, had leftme afone to my daydreams. Someone was talking with Terry, .Yes I voted for you. You're doing a great job. And I really.· liked·. your new: managing editqr. But he didn't even say anything Well I guess it was his red hafr ,.beautiful red hair, and well l guess it was the way he looked." I coughed, and swallowed hard •and melted irito •the walls. , •·.Take. me home •country roads.
THE EXORCIST
Of man's first disobedience and the fruit Of that forbidden tree. Who grew it? Twas the Serpent made them do it, Biting hard they tried to chew it. The Serpent--surely someone should have slew it!
The Board of Regents heard the sound UTEP's demons marching round, ' Sent their Exorcist to town, Angelic doctor, coach and clown, Who did upon our common Enemy frown.
Thus Satan with head uplift above the wave, And eyes thatsparkling blazed so brave; His other parts besides lay prone upon the pave, Ment, extendedlong, his countenance grave. Oh, red-blooded vengeanze, he cried, I crave!
In Eden, upon the morning incense humid flowers, The Exorcist with qtiaveringyoice cowers, Afraid of the Apostate's grinning glowers: •The hprns above his head like fiery towers, • •• And flexing princely muscled powers!
Get thee behind me, Satan! Bug off! Begone! Beelzebub, Moloch, Lucifer: Amscray! So long! Thus spake the Exorcist to. the multitudinous throng
Q( devils dancing to aStygian song
• . Upo_n the ensanguined field deserted: •Others to acity strong.
But, in the end., Paradise was lost, we know,, Because Satan threw the.Exorcist out the window
La Bruja de Uxmal
Here among the ruins, the shambles of my shelter, I chase sombre butterflies through mounful trees, straining to recoverthese palaces and graves.
And I did love: the priests mounting the temple, Jhe boys playing ball, the lonesome ladies of the nunnery singing by the well-Oh,J didlove·them all.
Gene Keller
Eugene Keller
El Paso's talented Poet,•songwriter, and musician is an English Teacher at El Paso's Communit-v College. '
• Night Games.
Pete and Ginger were in bed. The baby was crying. Ginger sat up in bed, reached over .to the bed
I stand and picked up four darts. I "Get up lazy. It's time to have I our dart championship again."
I
"Huh "
She handed two of the darts t.o
I Pete. The dartboard consisted of a I Blown up picture of a baby's head. Pete threw his first dart. It stuck I in the infants left ear. His second I dart hiL the wall and felrto the I floor. Pete shook his sleepy head in disgust. Ginger smiled. •
I "This is fun. I love to do this."
·I
"I hope you don't win again," I Pete said. "I've. had to change his diapersfor the last week." · I
''You should practice more. I · ·I practice during the day when most• .. I wives are watchingT,V. You could. practice after work when youget I high."
•
I
• WhOfell upon his gluteus maximus bimbo, ·• • ' While Adam, hand in hand with Eve; wandering steps and slow Out of Eden, th_eir streaking ways to go, • J. Milton Blatty
"Yes. l think I could do that. I .I'd jus.t need to practice a little bit· after work. It should be fun when ·I I'm. high. I'm not )icked • yet I though. You still have to throw I yo.ur .two _darts. I could. still win through default."
• • •. • •
• I· · "Here goes the champ," Ginger .• said.
•lm~:e:: 0!::~ar:!f[~n:: •••
' I stuck out 'in concentration. She •
I Let the first dart fly.
• • ' "Oh you've done it again", Pete · lsaid. Bullseye. Right in the soft 1spot of the head. Your such a
• good sltot. Your such a good mother I'm really. lucky. Let me
I Conti~ On Pa~ R
•
-•--------
"Who, what, why, whei:i,, where, and how," my journalism proff was saying, a fly was crawling across my desk, and I regarded it dully as I f~Al~e,1.low gnawing paint tha1 slitherercf through the back of my heao;resultant of a bit too much rum and too little coke after an uninspiring s~ech, nationally televised by the president; an outline for a sequel to a MickeY Spillane novel that he is writing in hopes of earning enough money to·take C<\re of part of those embarrasing •back taxes. "And for next time, Miss Scroll and Quill of .1961 was saying, I want from each of you, that means all of you, an interview.""You pick the topic, and I want it here on my desk, not home in your little brothers jelly stained hands."
An "interview, '. I thought as I 1~-iliuffelecl_)out into the hall, with '-;eyone that I wanted as I turned into the student union. By next time, as I put my weight on the El Burro office door, there to find, all alone a solitary soul, feet propped upon the ftle cabinet, • back straight on my editor's swivel chair, dressed peasant garb, long flowing blonde hair, a t>air orve~ dark foster grants covering a visage smiling up at me: "We've been. waiting here for you Mc. Ehinger to be interviewed as soon as we heard the news of your assignment." ''You see, we have had an eye on you." "Been planning to look out for your interests and do something for our own, now that we have decided to go public; killing two birds with • one stone as it were."
"You see, I represent the counter cultural elements of the peoples' republic of the planet Zaetanoiminodare, sent here to form a solidarity group with our brothers and sisters. Now that you: all have reached the necessary state of development to facillitate the transfer of telepathic knowledge we can now progress apace."
"It was earlier believed that there were no culturally sensitive creatures on this planet; the behaviour of most creatures appearing to stem wholly from genetic or 111etabolic functions."
"However considerable study convinced us that among the dominant mamalliam strain there was a substrain which appeared to be capable of usurping genetic destiny and imposing a truly rational will over the· course of their own .lives." ''They were of course victimized and • viillfied. i •.
we introduced· the notion of free will into religio-philosphical discussion long before any· such force could be seen at work on the
planet."
well, the inhabitants of this planet: will in seven to ten generations, regain a. considerable amount of the. knowledge and technique we are about to eliminate. It will be a
"But," said I, "wouldn't the return, as it were, to circumstanc~s Idea of Free Will nuture it self?" I closely resembling your eighteenth was desparate to interject century. something. "The human population of the • "Ha," laughed the stranger. planet will •be somewhat sparser,
Noticeably ruffled I continued to and religious and philosophical· transcribe his words. "'Free will is accents will • be of a different not merely the desire to act nature." ''It will all be geared coupled with the ability to act tow~ds producing a rational upon that desire.···'Free will is the mature species fully prepared to desire to examine the possible peacefully encounter and mix with consequences of various courses·of and enrich elements of the mother action and act within the stock throughout the galaxy.'.' framework of that knowledge." So saying, he shifted his "It requires .not only a degree of position on the. chair for the first intelligence, but a vast repertoire time. He then stood, and removing of learned • behaviour as well." his foster grants exposing one "Furthermore in the development pupiless eye and said, "I hope that of free will care must be taken to this is sufficient information to get weed out those elements whose you started." Presently I am cultural proclivities tend to • needed to p~rticipate in a delicate interfere with 'their long term <Diplomatic_• i discussion with bytheevolutionarybackwardand inbred, intensively in order to geneticbestinterests." ·. representatives_ of Thorg decadent members of their foster their quality of tenacity "But how is that accomplished,? confederacy of mterdependent species." which is sometimes •Jacking in I asked. tellar systems on the largest
At this point I wondered if I members of other experimental 1 "By allowing them to flourish," satelite of Mendocar." "In the should ask a question, but he species.'' •1A compromise was said the stranger, confusing me to meantime I am empowered by the c</ntinued ."That despite. reached on the board and it was no end. "Within limits of course. board to invest you as the first rJactionary cultural-genetic agreed that certain elements of the You see what we do it to allow state historian of the new te~dencies like any evolutionary strains makeup would have to be deficient cultures, that is cultures •culture." "Rest assured that we idea whose time has come, the eliminated, for they had no place that engender conflict between will be looking after you and I or strain could not be entirely wiped , in the •king of cultural ecumene man and his genetic commitments, •one of my fellows will be getting out, but rather strengthened and that has been tentatively proposed to attain a state of relatively lofty back to you within the near pur.fied by such persecution." for the galaxy.'' ''Other tendecies technological development, only future." d d • k d - t th \Wi"th this, my interviewee t:_a~~_dJ
''Therefore we • are here as our would be fostere an once to cast them bac own m o · e
• d th gh •th d kn d m·to. nothingn.ess leaving nothing ancestors have been in the past, to ripened be sprea rou out e depths of ignorance ar ess an • • • d th. h • "d • • th· d t d • t behm"d but a slight taint of ozone surpervise this development an o er Offillll strams m e scarcity in or er o wee ou see that it is put forth in an galaxy." individuals who had become too in the air, and a pair of foster orderly fashion.'' "In order to do this we first had dependant on and adapted to a grants which remained suspended
Once again I began to phrase a to create the cultural tendencies narrow range of experiences. In so at a height of about five feet. They question. "What changes will be that would select against the less doing we also select for individuals began to float slowly to the floor, wrought in the existing order, progressive elements of· the whose strength ; and security lay but not before my editor arrived you'd ask\ '-'Actually no changes population and opt for the more not in their :acculturatiom and in time to observe them that wo not ave wrou pregress1ve. soci ·zabon u m e1r a 1 uld h ght • " ali • b t • th • bil·.·ty to cµ·ssentigrate into a fine white themselves," he sm led wryly. "Do elucidate," I said. adapt to changing circumstances powder.
"For) you see • the older "I shall," he said. which is • the hallmark of any Presently, I noticed that my do~nant strain on the planet was "These decisions were all made rational species. In developing our headache was gone. Who, what, a recently developed creature at the very dawn·. of the more complex strains we may do why, when, where; and how, I having just speciated from a autobiographical. history of this this several times, raising and thought. Shit! protorational • suntan stock." planet • at a time when the lowering the sophistication until by John Ehinger and Don Knott ''Their manipulative ability and • propensity for language was just the right blend of technological inquisitive nature having set them beginning to demonstrate its and naturalistic •lifestyle is apart-arborial cousins, they in a survival advantage." ''The planet produced. Only once this fine relatively short time sum:~unded was at that time largely inhabited. tuned level is reached the real themselves with ,edifices· and by nomads who had only the most work of tailoring a rational species articfices both cultural and fundamental trappings of culture.'' can begin. Which is why I'm here. concrete which then proved to "By presenting tiny portions of It's time to crash another culture. sustain them in greater numbers ourselves and our culture at this • Fortunately my work has been than we ever intended to time we created the first stirrings made easy for me. concentrate on the face of the of religion.'' (Ezekiel saw the You see with many cultures and planet." ''This •significant fact is wheel way up in the sky, thought species .to• root out reactionary what first brought the inhabitants I) "Though this media we taught genetic tendencies we must take
of this planet to our • close the young creature that all was not couln.etu.rc.el·esa·ro.fb.·aa·c.lkev.etol. sithniil.· e. al.re".teol.thnoist
attention.'' "Some older more hunting and gathering. • ''We , conservative members of the ~oard inculcated all that was noble, unlike their primitive nomadic
of galatic fertilization were ready much that we knew would have to ancestors. However the dispa.rity
to wipe the planet bare as a rock be eliminated later at great pain to • between the maladaptive and the for the strain was too prolific and many indivduals. • Had advantageous varieties of human might • spread unmanagebly knowledge of this manipulation • on the planet, is so great that a
through the galaxy." ''Other been widespread the race would relatively mild cultural setback • members argued that this was in • surely haw died out from pure will be all that is required t~ fact an ideaUtrain and: should be despair;· ''In order to prevent this purify the strain.In fact, if all goes
.Stung Staff members regard remains.
grim evidence
Aunt Hortense's ··.Animal~
situations when she feels she is not • communicating, Ii.e.: when the students are hanging her in effigy • in the back of the room).
Having decided that Dr. • Thistlebottom does not consider • her students to be one year or less the researchers establish the upper limit at twelve years. They come to this conclusiton, through the use of a secondmethod· ·., that is, Emperical Verification. • The researchers visit and watch Dr. Thistlebottom conduct one of her• usual lectures. Many enlightening discoveries· are made.
DIALOGUE OF CLASS LECTURE AS HEARD BY RESEARCHERS
Dr. T;: Now that roll call has been taken we'll get down to more pressing business. First of all, our text, which can't be found in the UTEP Bookstore, is called,' "Writing. Without a Purpose", by Ima Idiot. Second, can anyone in the class tell me what today is?
Silence Enfolds
Dr. T.: Well class, today is the first • week of school!
No Response
Dr. T.: .Can anyone tell teacher how many weeks of school there are?
Still No Response
Dr. T .: Well! (said with great excitement) There are thirteen weeks in a semester you 'U never guess (said with 1more of the same mounting and unsupressable e x c i t e m e n t ) •There • are ... thirteen chapters in c,ur' text! Isn't that wonderful! I'll bet you'll never guess what that means.·
Student in fourth row: This would probably mean Dr. Thistelbottom, that we'll be reading one chapter ev
Dr. T.: That means class, that we'll
be reading ,,one chapter every week. Chapter 1 the first week, Chapter 2 the second week, Chapter 3 the .and Chapter 13 the thirteenth week. Is that clear t.o the class?
The Bell Rings
Dr. T.: Oh, My! My! The bell rang! WeH, if eve1ythings clear you may go now. Row 1
Chances for further broadening the limit at twelve years of age was completely lost when the researchers spyed Dr. Thistlebottom on the second day of class, handing out flash-cards, blocks, clay to make snakes and name tags for lunch pails.
So in conclusion, it can be safely estimated that our typical teacher considers the students to be a group of slightly advanced •5th and 6th graders. This seems to be the closet approximation that can be made with present techniques of measurement and analysis. 0 course, any sort of general theory will have to be based on a greater number of experiments and a deeper treatment of the data: Presently, further analysis is being carried out. in Dr. Xena Dildomaker's Business Systems (B.S.) class.· The workis extremely challenging. Not only are the students expected to conduct this analysis, but they are also being required to fill out physical health forms for truck driven:, while simultaneously (i.e.: . at the same time) preparing themselves for the Annual Gluckholm Gala Viking Helmet Polishing. The wonders of progress. We hope to have this analysis completed soon kiddies, so why not go out and play school while us grownups work it all out.
Part III Of The Continuing Drama Dung Poo
This week's exciting program is attaining inner peace and entitled: "How UTEP students can happiness at UTEP. Strangely find inner peace and happiness enough it is our hero, Honorable through Ar Lee himself who could tell Who INTRO TO DUNG POO 3101" Flug Poo this ancient secret and
As the scene opens we find our end his frantic search!! !! hero, Honor~ble Ar Lee, The Cameras close in. instructing an awesome and Who She speaks: "Wal, How-dee attentive class in the ancient Who Flung Pao. Have ya slopped martial art of Dung Pao, They are them hogs and fed them thar about to go through their last test chickens yit?" of manhood. (Finding a parking How profound!!! space on campus, whereby one is But. • .(da.<fa.<fa.<fum) what not ticketed, permanently does this really mean? What is barricaded by other •cars, or dead Who She really trying to say? from walking the distance from Could it be that she will finally tell car to class.) Who Flung Pao that his
As the camera closes in we hear grandfather's second cousin's Honorable Ar Lee speak. nephew, three times removed is
AICICOUICW Ceppeit S~e
Vast raw copper shortages have necessitated the recall of all pennies now in the the possession of the citizens of the United States. Anyone found hoarding these minted goods will be duefully dealt •with by the Treasury Department, and anyone found melting • down copper pennies will be deported and hence not allowed to return to this country unless he discovers a new supply of copper in the area to which he has been deported. If the citizenry does not abide by the guidelines set by the Treasury Department drastic measures will be taken against them and those patiotic souls who voluntarily comply with the law will also suffer needlessly.
· Under Graduates
An awesome silence enfolds. the friend of a friend whose Our hero fills the silence with mother's Great Aunt's husband is his tremulous and inspmng the uncle of the niece who is repertoire: "All right! Who's the engaged to the brother of Big Silly that starched my panty Honorable Ar Lee??? hose!!!"
No one dares to speak. of)
Gasp! They are related!!! (Sort
"Ah. .come on guys. .If I Could it be that Who Flung Pao don't find out who did it you is finally on that great road to can't come to my next secret and discovery??? ancient class of Dung Pao. (Held, Stay tuned for next week's in L.A. Building, MWF: 10-1 I :00) exciting conclusion and find out if * * * Who Flung Poo's desperate pursuit
Meanwhile back at the ranch. A is • finally at an end. And also sunset appears on the screen. watch for our next thrilling
The famous Hollywood actress, adventure when our hero will Who She, well known for the unload a herd of termites at the profundity of her lines, walks up next Carpenter's Concert and to her hired hand, Who Flung Pao, prove they can eat through plastic a wandering wrangler. as well as wood!
If you will recall from our last Today the Carpenters!!! exciting episode, Who Flung Pao is Tomorrow the Top of the on a never ending and desperate World!!! search for someone who can give him • the ancient secret for byCynthia Curtis
Preliminary action concerning the shortage has been instituted, according to one government official the shortage may result in utilizinicardboardas a replacement for the -copper we so badly lack. He proceeded to discuss this amazing action by pointing out that college students being radical····· and all will tend to hoard pennies in hopes that they will be offered large sums of money for their goods. It is therefore in the interest of this mighty nation to discontinue the sale of cardboard products to college students beginning next month. This may cause undue hardship to some,but this country is not in the least bit concerned with those people, the ultimate concern is for the integrity of the United States as a world power. .·, Theresa Crowe
by Tom Waldrep
The introduction of Quad • sound has done much for the enjoyment of human hearing. One could describe it an experience in listening to ·reproduced music coming from such a system. Quad, 4~hannel, 4-24, matrix, SQ, and Disciete are but a few names given to the ambience sound these systems produce. Ambience or Hall acoustics • are direct and continued on Page· 8
Aunt Hortense's Animals
Quad Sound
continued indirect sound that has been produced due to the particular acoutic characteristics of the recording studio or concert •hall. This sound produced through the Quad systems adds a new • dimension to listening pleasure and gives a feeling of realism to the .• avid critical , music listener. •Converting present stereo or the purchase of a Quad system can transfer a living room into the listening sensation of a. concert hall.
Synthesized Quad 4-channel (2~24), matrixed 4-channel (4-24) and Discrete (444) are the three basic ways one can acquire this new dimension of sound, though numerous systein configurations. can be obtained for each. The advantages and disadvantages are described briefly below.
Synthesized or Phase Shift Quad is the • least expensive method of Quad sound requiring no additional electronics. or • am~lifiers. A simple control in ~it form and two high quality speakers added to present stereo • system will produce a Quad systelll. This system used the sum and differences between right and left stereo channels to produce the signal going to the added speakers. This system does produce the ambience sound thus • enhancing stereo records, tapes and FM radio music. "Spill-over" of stereo into the added speakers is the common fault of this system, since it requires considerable ste~eo channel seperation and .quality speakers to produce an effective ambience sound.
The Matrix Quad is the most popular 4-channel system at present time. It requires a Quad Matrix adapter, 2 channel power amplifier plus two speakers added to your stereo system or. a Quad Matrix. amplifier plus speakers can be purchased •to supplement your stereo. Economics and space available would be the dete~mining factor since each gives exceptable qualit;. This system is highly compatible with . present and future records, tapes, and FM music. Matrix •• encoding and decoding adds considerable quality to a Quad system, but the expense often constitutes a major investment.
The Discrete Quad is considered a complete system since it requires a special stilus, independent 4-channel amplifiers and s~eakers. This truly Quad system provides distinct channel separation r~quiring the special Quad record and does not play present stereo records and tapes. Technical
difficulties in stilus and recorels never understand why you have put this system ahead of its knocked my sister up." time. Inter-connecting systems and ' "Go to bed asshole," Ginger •several modifications are available said.
•· forthe three systems described.A "What do you think I was doing • ;eputable Quad ~ealer can show before that littl~ mons~er beg~~ the options available that best screaming? Growmg a third eye.
satisfy your hudget and listening "No. Masturbating!" requirements; • "Give him a break Ginger. He The major sound manufactors only wants to get some sleep." have their version of the. Quad "Bullshit! He wants to go back system on the consumer mar~et in his room and masturbate. Go • and are now working on tech~cal ·ahead and masturbate Carl, but standardization. The techrucal when you go blind, don't come to character_istics of each us." manufactors Quad. are somewhat•. "I do~'t want to create a war," different from one another though •Carl said. "I. only want to all produce effective 4-channel mas, .ah .get some sleep. God sound. Until these differences are Pete whv illd you knock her up?" standarized along exceptable Dammit Carl. It was an technical standards reco rd accident," Ginger said. Pete was companys are proceedingS slo~ly dosing back off to sleep. "He~! in producing records compatible Don't go back to sleep. I won faII to all systems. Patent licenses ~d and square so you get to change • technological decisions are putti~g his diapers."the record manufacturers m "Ah Ye.ah " agreement • for producing a "Well Pete?," Carl asked. , compatible Quadrophonic reco~d. • "Oh yeah Carl. No. We don t The Quad system is rapidly gettmg resent the child. Your mom was over its growing pain and wiU soon real good about that. ~en she force the stereo into the museum· found out Ginger was pregnant she along side the mono units. The sat down and talked to me." new sound, increase listening "Go away," she said. "I'm pleasure and the realism of a setting you free. I'll take care of concert hall has produced a new the baby and you can go back to dimension for the human ear. A school and never have to see my revolution of sound one could-call daughter again." a synamic experience. ''Your mom was real good. about it but it wasn't what we NIGHT GAMES wanted. We didn't really want the CONTINUED baby, but we needed each other.-. You see?"
"Yeah I see. But if your going to resent the child you might as shoot your other dart for well give it up now. Kids are real practice."
• smart you know. They can tell if
Pete took the dart and threw it their not wanted around and it at the target. really has an effect on em."
"Right next to mine! Oh your "You should be talking Carl. I so good when you want to be. want you to le_ave my baby alone, "Don't resent the child. We Ginger said. Pete! Don't fall back must never do that. We don't want to sleep. Pete, did you know that I our child to grow up to be a kook. caught Carl sticking his finger in He has to feel wanted all the our childs butt the other day." time."
"Oh God Ginger. I was just
"I don't darling. I_ love. us. We checking to see if he crapped in his made the child so I love him too. pants or something. lf_you want What a piece of artwork! Aren't me to I'll leave your dumb little we wonderful? No. I love the _child •baby alone from now on. I'll never but I wish we could have waited a rock the little brat on my knee, few years longer." feed it when your resfa1g, or play
"Then your jealous?" with him ever again. I don't even ''Of course I'm jealous." •1ike the little brat."
"So am l. But we can't ·1et the ,;Good. I don't ·want you to child feel that way. We must never touch the damn little thing. Pete? make him feel rejected." , Pete? Get up .it's your turn. Did Ginger's brother was living with ' you hear what he called our little them temporarily. Until he coul_d baby?" get a job. He came into theu "Well he's your brother. Kick; room. His name was Carl, and Carl him out of the house if you want was scratching his sleepy head and to. You better watch out picking his itchy butL Carl: or you'll have to find • "Are one of you guys going_ to another place to live," shut that little creature up? Ithink "OK. .OK take he crapped in h_is. pants or easy "Carl headed· back to his something. Procreation of the bedroom still itching his butt. ·huh Pete? God I'll species
