El Burro - March 1973

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Al·I The Nose That's: 14,it To Print

New, Fragrant Issue Who is Arligh B. Templeton -And Why are we going to say those terrible things abouthim; • • • Why we lost • most of om copy to an anal fixated typewrHer .

• Horrendous scandel hits RA-TV departmentCan a rrian find happiness with a jar of Hellman's mayonayse?

Announcing the Grassroots of the Absurd ticket - Let graft bring UTEP politics up to date: Why is Tom Fen ton • •Announcing lJTEP Grad school of Remedial Reading.

• C Bµrritos; Dear Emies-, .and a Joel Messingjoke ' Along with a bunch of other stuff to help fill space and , get the staffs salary.

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Pa91!2

EL BURRO

Dear Ernie

March 1973

In response to our last series of articles on comparitive The new editor of El Burro, Laurie Muller, was born at an Dear Ernie: All of us dudes in your farout pad really freakout on your religion, in which we discussed the fallacies of all lesser early age in Hotel rneu Hospital. Laurie was not ill at the time, but her mother was and Laurie wanted to share the bogus paper man. We dig the• way ya put down all the. big religions against the true faith of Bukawnon, {the worship of event with her family, and to be near her mother. (Her cats around town and the campus. We're also a bunch of the ·all high Chicken) we received several fascinating and mother had been working too hard, and had been admitted left-wing radical hippy creeps that appear to be unde~ the enlightening,rebuttals in the form of two firebombs and six influence of drugs. Please send us copies of the papers and bolts of lightning. Many readers, less fmagiriative, restricted to the hospital with labor pains.)

Every summer, the MuUer family would go to New York, names of all campus organizations and activities that you themselves to writing letters, which, in the interest of belong to (we want to join too) and names of your nearest· freedom of religion and fair journalism, we reprint below. but Laurie always manged to find them.

In the second grade, Laurie ran into a Pole, neccessitating • relatives.

Cheif of Police to the El Burro staff: several stitches; and starting a life-long attraction for foreign I was deeply shocked by. the articles you ran a short whle KampusKops men.

In high school, she won the Betty Crocker Homemaker of UT El Paso High ago about some perverted sect which you referred to as Bukawnon. I am aghast that such a high quality magazine as the Year Award, but the localcarpenter's union (of which yourselves should thus allow the true faith to be ignored her father is a member) made her give it back because she . Dear Ernie: .

I have been doing· independent research on campus and while you set yourselves up for eternal damnation with this had used non-union workers ..

Upon graduation, she decided shedidn't want to go to have reached some startling conclusions. I· have discovered idiotic drivel. that ari amazing number. of students at UT El· Paso use clemore swatxl college, so she enrolled·instead at UT ElPaso.

Her favorite hobby is gourmet cooking. Her specialty is mariuana on a regular basis.Could you please explain to me • 2nd prophet of Chevrolen God of station wagons· stewed gourmet with prunes on rice. She alsoreads palms, why such a large number of young.people would engage in mch disgusting illegal and immoral behavior? cards, and cereal boxes.

She is employed by the Lighthouse for the blind as at .Puzzled Your G@$ D"&%@¼* M//! *+@$ F / /@*+&*, An acute shortage ofhassih.

I have just finished reading your S$//¼+ bunch of c//@¼U seeing-eye person for a blind dog. about the obscene antigod Buk!lwnon. I was sop$@?+* that She regards the most momentous occassion of her life as Dear Ernie: My mother never told me about Uitr*-Br*t*, what should I eit!ier had to write this letter or immediately b&%$@*. I being chosen editor of the El Burro. "There were six people am determined to catch each one of you and either c@+)'&% applying for the job of editor, but only three of them were· I do?

Worried you, or, to the ones upon whom such an act would be qualified. Fortunatly, all three ofthem weren't interested, inappropriate, to at 'the least, the very least, $&(&¼:@*"!

Go to Juarez and ask for a cab driver named Pedro. so I got the job." you unmercifully. I can only say in ending $+)('.*?@:$%$&M '($+"!!!!!!! ' Dear Ernie: AN OPEN LETTER TO ETHNIC AMERICA B.Graham I am i:iew in town and am desiro.us of female Hey Boy, • . . . •• companionship.

Could you tell me where to meet some In recent years we WASP'~ have come under heavy attack girls?

•Repent sinners! from minority Americans. They have gone so far asto call u_s Having just read your article on the false God Bukawnon, .Newcomer • honky, gringo, ~hity, schmuck, and most recently lilly. This I was immediately by the obvious depths to which you have outrageohs conduct must stop. fallen. I plead with you to give up your idolatry, your Dear Ernie: To reach out the first hand of brotqer hood let me. put to In your first issue I told you that I do not write letters to horrible ·blasphaemy and to turn your backs on the death some vicous misconceptions of we poor whites. complete strangers. In you se·cond you said that you did not depravity to which you abandoned yourselves and return to 1. Soul Food - We practically invented it - what could. receive letters from ·perfect strangers. I think that this is a the open arms of the all-high, all-forgiving God who waits to be more soulful than Hi-C, tuna salad, and Lorna Doons? great policy and therefore am willing to write you this note, welcome you home.

2. Naturals - Our hair is just as natural as anyone else's. I. if in return you wonc.t print it."

Pious Godlove _ suggest that we change. the name of our longer hair styles to Jay Thumb 1st church of Satan Northern Mediterranian.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

3. Soul in· general - pray tell Tammy Wynette is no Ernie. Clods, ethnic, is she?

How dare you try to pass off as the true faith the All of this, we are truly your equals, yet we are socially Dear Ernie: sickening conglomeration of strange practices which you disgraced to organize. Have you ever heard of the National Why was Arleigh B. Templeton appointed without attempted to dignify by giving it the name of Bukawnon. I Association for the Advancement of Whi.te People? A committee approval? was so upset by your pointless rigamarole and meaningless scholarship program for deserving whites? What's History •. Charlie La Matre practices that I said a word for which I had to do four Hail Week? Who is there to prntect ourright? . Mary's and and Our Fat}:ier in penance.

I have a dream that someday down in Watts, Cal. little Bishop Sheen black boys and little white boys can take up arrris and riot Dear Chuck: together. . . . . The board of regents felt that Dr. Templeton, an 1 have a dream that someday down in E!Paso Texas white administrator without any campus to speak of belonged at Dear El Burro Staff, men and women can be opressed side by side, QY Willie UT E!Paso, a campus with no administration to speak of.

Shit!

Josiah Smith Farah.

Doctor of Scatology Dear Ernie: Free us now-' we are your equals: BYU What makes UT El· Paso student publications so Plans were announced today for the first major anti-war mediocre?

This naturally was not all the correspondance we recieved, Tom Fenton demonstration in campus history. The announcement was made at noon last Thursday by Paisley Fraizer. Frazier, a Lousy journalist and the absence of Tom Fenton provide a but a first class rag such as ourselves can hardly sink to printing letters from freaks who. sign themselves a belonging • self-proclaimed non-v.iolent revolutionary druid missionary cheerful balance. to such obscure sects as the Baptists and Presbyterians and from Pasadena, California, is presently working on a ~ethodists, and Episcopals and Bachelor of Perversion with a major in Child Molesting at U.T. El Paso. "This is the culmination of years of planning," said Frazier during a noon press conference.

When questioned on the matter of the recent peace treaty, Frazier replied, ..The Peace treaty wiffnot interfere EL BURRO is the pungent ripsnorting addict of Student with the demonstration~ for two reasons. First, we did not Publications, U.T. EI Paso (Que?), El Paso, Texas. receive permission for the de1nonstration to be held on Reproduction on this paper could be very messy. campus until after thr treaty was signed. Secondly, I have Reproduction of this paper is virtually impossible as it 1 recieved information from an informed source that the ON THE COVER: Who made the salad' ?? was given· an illegal .vasectomy 3 weeks prior to release.

STAPH (AND OTHER DISEASES): Big Banana - Lulu treaty will be broken. My source revealed that the U.S. h,is Opinions expressed in this brochure of sin were found broken many teaties with non-white nations and this will "the yellow" Muller; Managing Iditor - John Sighburp; pillaging _through the "Flowsheet" and are' in no way, probably just be one more." Frazier refused to reveal his Ass. Managers - Ken Muncy, Eric "Ricky Nelson" Mylo; shape or form representative of the Irish Republican source saying that he would only describe his source as Flaptography - Crystal Clearr; Staph Gigglers: Zoila Army (or U.T. El Paso). We write the letters to the Valentino, • Randy Nolen, Buster "the Scratch" Crabbs, "qualified." editor so • don't bring us any. We deserve the right to Investigative work by this reporter has revealed the secret Fred Keyser and Begonia the Kraut. Special thinks to omit, eat, tickle or ruin the reputation of any material source as probably either John Walkingbear or Richard Spear Murray, Back Mallod and "Mr. Liberal." Speciller submitted for publication. The only dope worth shooting tanks (tanks but no tanks) to Joel Missing for not • is Spiro Agnew.

Fasthorse. con tributing.

El Burro

March 1973

• EL BURRO

Page 3

Oeue The Dribble Produced by Inhabitants of I'm deathly scared of artichokes, The evil fruity things, I'm hunted by _them in my dreams, They fly on batlike wings And lurking in "the alleys in the city where I live Is ari eighty-five pound artichoke That wants all I can give.

Now onions I can live with· Though they're an unpleasant breed And the rage of a persimmon Is a pumy thing indeed.

Bananas are appealing and the plums are peachy keen But an eighty-five pound artichoke Is dangerous and mean.

I lock my windows nightly In each keyhole put a cork.

And _underneath my pillow Is a deadly salad fork.

But if your doorbell rings at night, you'd better run and hide, Cause an eighty-five pound artichoke '-.. is waiting there outside.

I DRANK AND SANK I_ went down to the bar last night And drank and drank and drank Drank all night by the light of the moon Which sank and sank and sank I went home and lay in the floor And threw up, threw up, threw up Mama look what I am since I Grew up, grew up, grew up I went down to the bar again and drank booze, drank booze, drank booze \Vent for a ride around the block Thank youse, thank youse, thank youse Goin' to the barroom every night to drink beer, drinkbeer, drink beer It sure makes it difficult To think clearr, think clearr, think clearr.

STRAIGHT sweet little seed n;illed little reed token' Chokio' smokin' weed or some thin' CUPID'S ARROW you are my skating rink baby. i'm a roller derby queen. you make my wheels reel and my geers re-oil. you've got me spinning in air. i'd do 99 laps for you (who cares about overused calf muscles when you've got love).

Applications • are now ava ilable . for Graffi Major Scholarships .in the Student Publications Office.

Requirements are a 2.0 (or less), Veteran (with less than honorable discharge) and one felony conviction for non drug related offense. Contact Ernie Peabody for further informa tion..

SPRANGED HEART i could see you coming. my heart p_ole vaulted almost next to you. (you might have at least measured the distance)but you hardly noticed. i didn't really care anywayfor_setting records (not developing muscles·. for my health yo1:1 know).

SONG TO YOU DIRECT FROM MY HEART you walked into the room and i had a cardiac arrest. · my heart, my heart, -to that I can truly attest, you- gave me a cardiac arrest. i've got the heartburns over you (talk about hot). you gave me lung cancer baby.

I saw you and went up in smoke . STEREO

JUST CALL ME SAN ANDREAS • • Your my heartquake sweetheart, atremor to my love (measµring 8 on the richter scale and my single bed).

My heart has split ends and even protien 21 • won't help. . you are my library. i thinki'm a bookworm (and i'm not in here • just to sleep). life is a drunk staggering in the night. i'm glad i rnn into you. i'm an f.b.i. spy, you're my fingerprint, my lie detecter, my secret decoder. i'd like to file you in my cabinet (and not just for further reference). the hotel of your heart has no vacancies.

I guess I'U have to . • sellp in the parking lot __ tonight. the youngest of IO children of Mrs. Clara McHenry ,

$2795

my woofer, my tweeter, my midrange are your's. let me be your amplifier (i think i'II copyright that Hne).

Quotable Qu:otables It's all right to rememher the Al�mo, so long as you don't forget Dien Bien Phu, .. .

A coward dies a _thousand deaths, a brave man dies but one - that's damn good odds.

Go ahead and raise hell - God grades on a curve.

Never use a proposal when a propostition will do.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day • . keeps everyone away. _ • Of a friend digs you up_ a date -:- expect shovel marks on her face.

Most blind dates look more like seeing eye dogs.

If you like 1956, you'll like Texas. _ . .

If the Lord pad wanted people to be nudists, we would have been forn that way.

Any young �an in America can get a head - all he needs is a deer rifle and a place near when they come to water.

If God had wanted man to fly, he would have bought him a ticket.

Everybody knows Will Rodgers didn't say "I never met-a junkie I didn't like."

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EL BURRO

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This

March 1973

Uses

Of course there is an alternative to taking the final.

Mary had a little lamb,

the doctor was suprised.

Old McDonald had a farm.

The doctor fainted: Remember, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

There are forty people in the wprld • and 5 of them are hatnburgers. - Capt. Beefheart you all think comedy is just something to laugh at -- mason . '

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williams California is alright if you're an orange ~anon.·.· either this .man's dead or my watch is .stopped - groucho

marx

Yes, everybody has to take 3/01 English.

. EL BURRO

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Space

I don.'t card/ it d~s only.happen when there's a full moon-, 1 think you should have_toid me, Martha.

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What a way·to go/

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-·DressRight Dress!

-. The:rky is f:im,.g!

The slcy, ii' fallinKI ~i . ., ',. .

El BURRO

Page6

March 1973

World News Ground llp EL PASO (UPI}- One hundred Biology students at UTEP WASH., D,C. (UPI):...._ Passei-byes in the nations capitol WASHINGTON (AP) - President Noxin declared a state conducted experiments testing household prodllcts found.in today were puzzled bu the large number of pigeons flying of emergency Monday night over network television, three local drugstores and supermarkets. The -most interesting _around the senate buHding. The cause was traced to Con days after the White House discovered the presidential seal_ discovery was the product Preparation H. According to the gress' battle with the telephone company•· over the was missing.

Although President· Noxim discovered the loss at 9 a.m. researchers, "Users of Preparation H were found Jo have corripnay's soaring pdces. Senator Mansfield stated about I 3% fewer cavities and 51 % brighter and whiter teeth." the pigeons, "They do get kind of pesky at times especially Friday when he was going to try out a new stamp pad, it was if you forget to wear a hat while outdoors, but they sure through Jock Und~rson's column Monday that a shocked nation learned of the. occurrence.

NEW YORK (AP) - An unfortunate incident last Saturday make damn good messengers."

This prompted the White House to hold an emergency left world reknowned sportcaster, Howard Koselle, totally blind. and without sight. From witnesses on the scene, it ELPASO (AP) - Two-hundred 8-52 bombers dropped over press conference Monday at 3 p.m. where Rolando Seegler, seems that Muhammed Ali, by pure accident, got two of his two tons of bombs on the UTEP. campus yesterday. Army the president's, press secretary, told newsmen that the fingers caught ithe eyes of Koselle after a fight between Ali officials stated the reason for the attack was that UTEP was presidential seal -was believed stolen between Thursday· night and Rocky Gibralter. Presently, Koselle is making found to a communist's plot to deteriorate the minds of the and Friday morning when the president discovered the loss.

"The White House has received no word from those who 0 arrangements for the printing of a new weekly column, "the • students attending the school. . way I hear it, .. " have stolen the seal/' Seegler said . .

Seegler went on to say that the FBI has placed its top • EL PASO (AP). - A worker at the MacBobo's Hamburger SHREVEPORT, La.· (UPI) - The Fifth Street Baptist restraurant was injured yesterday when five crates of agents in the case. The CIA has joined the case, turning it Church announced that they would hold a recreation of the hamburger patties fell on top of him. He was rushed to into an international hunt.

•crucifixion of Jesus. They also reported that they gathered a Thomason General Hospital where he was pronounced in Th~ White House gardeners have also been mobilized into Rabbi, a Budist and a Moslem to play the parts ofthose rediculous condition. MacBobo's manager stated that the action. Head gardener, Nicolas Harris said, "We are combing crucified that day. For added realism, their arn1s would be national chain of restraurant planned to sue the young man the White House and Capitol lawns. We are leaving no stone actually nailed to the cross. Admission tickets are on sale for for slowing tip business for almost 35 seconds. or grass blade unturned in our search for the presidential •two dollars. seal."

WASh., D.C. (UPI) - The Pentagon was thrown into "Here in Washington," Seegler said, "the National Guard, SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - _An atomic bomb has just uncontrollable chaos yesterday when General Wesmorton's called in from all over the nation, are looking for it." devistated . the state of Hawaii and from previous reports, typewriter stopped operating. After a . four hour In his emergency address the president reassured a several large bombers are headed for the U.S .. west coast. investigation, the FBI found that the machine was not •stricken nation that he had a secret plan to recover the seal.

After the publication ·and airing of this bulletin, the country plugged in. SAbotage is suspected by FBI agents although a He did not say what the plan was. will be thrown into widespread panic and uncontrollable further investigation will be held to determine the exact He did say, "Let me make this perfectly ambiguous. We chaos. cause. Wesmorton stated concerning the incident', "It's them wiU spare no trouble to recover the presidential seal - the Ionhaired commies that done it!" symbol of our country. I promise to have that symbol in my . NEW YORK {AP) - President Richard M. Nixon attendee WASH. D.C. (AP) __ After signing of the peace treaty office without the United States losing its honor. And let me the Broadway play, "Bare", last evening. As a finale to the with North Viet • Nam, the Secretary of ·Treasury say that I will-never grant pardon to those who have stolen •• ·°"· ~ play, 20 young ladies walked out on stage completely naked announced that the treasury had 80 million dollars with it."

Nixon stated, "The more of the young people I see today to spend it on. A cabinet meeting was called In an. unprecedented move the White HOuse called the more I like them." Nixon stayed for the eight o'clock immediately by President Nixon to discuss the problems. vice-president Spiral D. Eggnew back from the Palm Springs and 10 o'clock showing as well as the six o'clock premier Several ways to spend the money were proposed: First, •golf course •.

While he was leaving the theater the president was heard tc start a new war; second, put it on Betsy's Baby in the Eggnew refused to comment on the case to reporters who· say to himself, "It makes me feel like getting involved." fifth at Aqueduct; third, have a giant stag party; fourth, met him at the airport when he arrived at 4 p.m. Monday. buy a life time pass to Disneyland with was strongly Questioned as to why he hadn't returned to the capitol on NEW YORK (UPI)~ Last night, president of NBC, Jerry P. opposed by Kissinger who stated he. would_ rather have a Friday when the theft was discovered, the reluctant Eggnew Cox, announced the cancellation of the TV show, "Life in lifetime pass to Madame Magnolia's Home. _After the ·1ong. answered, "Because I'd been out on the co1;lfSe since the Family" .due to the degenerating effect on the American meeting had ended, it was found that the 80 million was Thursday morning and didn't receive word of this atrocity public; According to Cox, the show .was fit for the .viewing not in the bank nor .had it been there for some time. until this morning when I got back to my room." of "morons, imbeciles, and idiots." A national poll revealed After an investigation, . FBI agents discovered that the A curious reporter then asked Eggnew what his score· recently that "Life in the Family" has an at1dience of 70% entire some was· bet by Spiro Agnew, on Senator George h<c1d been after four days out on the green. The of the nations population.

McGovern for the • presidential election: When asked vice-president just broke down and cried. about his ·action, Agnew stated, "I was given 5-1 odds, I In his column Underson added that his White House couldn't pass up odds like that." source had said the presidential advisers thought it highly -suspicious that George Magovern, -defeated Democratic presidential candidate, had left for Canada Thursday night at a moments notice.

"The suspicion is u'nfounded," Sen. Red Kennedy replied.

He said he was going to began an investigation into the . · Then Sgt. Baldo met up with the Army and his life statement.

The world stood still for a moment today as Sgt. Paul· Underson said Kennedy's office has already contacted changed for the better.

(P . edro) Baldo enlisted for another four years in the Army. him to get the name of his source. "I will never tell that it "For once in mylife I felt like I was really doing A crowd of some 200. watched from below as Sergeant somet h.mg. A.nd_God h ow I wan t ed t o st op d omg · wh ateve·r• was the president's foreign adviser, Inger kiss."

Baldo repeated the words of re-enlistment from atop the An emergency congressional committee, headed by Sen •th hell it was." . Education Building. · FoolduH, has begun investigations into the incidence, "We . After completing basic training at FL Ord, Calif., Sergeant ''I wanted to feel real good for this occasion," Sergeant will begin the proceedings by questioning those closest to · Baldo was assigned to Ft. Benjamin. Harrision, Ind., for Baldo said, "sol went out and got good and drunk the night · the president - his manicurist, drama coach and that wife of training as as information__ specialist. Then he received orders before." his, whats-er-name," S_en. Fooldull said. for Ft. Bliss.

Sergeant Baldo, dubbed Pedro, is from the Philippines "Condolences and offers of help have been wired from where he was active in the Huk Rebellion. He was also Why did Sergeant Baldo re-enlist? heads of state around the World," Secretary of State Willy "Oh gosh!" he said. "Why the Army has so many responsible for numerous attacks on Clark AFB. _ · Dodgers said. benefits. Like travel - why in the last four years I've been to The sergeant, an infornfation specialist, became the first, Seegler said the. White House has taken further action to first-term airman to reeniist at the 6969 th Batallion some'. of the neatest cities in _the world - Amarillo, recover the presidential seal.

Indianapolis, San Antonio. Right now I've got a volunteer Information Office in 23 years.

"The White House has placed ads in the cla,ssified sectiqn statement in for Ching Chang, Korea, and Kung Fu, Sergeant Baldo is from El Paso and before enlisting in the of every major newspaper - including the Village Voice;' Okinawa. I've always wanted to go there.

Air Force; he served as an apprentice whore house manager Seegler said.

• in Juarez.

Sergeant Baldo also cited all the fringe benefits the Army "I hated to leave the place," Sergeant Baldo recalled provides. Such as travel, free medical care and free unfirms.

"Also look at all the stuff I've acquired: A rug for my (ondly, "but when Uncle Sam called I realized that Iwould have to go:" house (stolen), blanket and sheets (stolen), fishing pole Uncle Sam is the Rev. Sam Marcos who, when he saw hfa (stolen), shotgun (stolen) artd sleeping bags (stolen). favorite newphew struggling to make a living ordered him to "My motto is that if it's not nailed down, it will look _ get the hell out of the city. Uncle Sam now has Sergeants good in my apartment."

•• a sergeant major. Then I'll be able to retire and go back to Bald o's old j<,J,@:-'.IJ '.l:Jn1 J !·11;wc•:: ;J'i (12 . ;2•)~- !JP» t, ,.,, 1,;,; l;.•,,;:r,] "Yep, I'm go_nn_a m~ke ·the Army a career.. One day I'll be Juarez and work with my uncle." .

•:--:::,-::;((i ''.'./},:::•:~ ")I.JJ n;·~~l~,r;;•)~~;-,·~ 1~~;;-:..-,:~ ~J.!J\')i\i{; ;;::~:.~.ti '.<--;d i)t"!\:,<_;-a· .',(liJ~;;fd ;i\-;'.;'."t\;}. ':.'!Vi~?·'-<~{11 ~i:.~·11~l'.;i·;r1;U,'\·Jl;'t;'':);} ?iri'i . '.t1 .

We.Forgot The Dead .

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'March 1973

Page7 EL BURRO

. And so, from out of Paris Texas came a light that was Chrystal Clearr ......_ Eric Mylo, president pro-tern of the .Bowel Movement, says "I don't give a crap about a biography for the Burro,! , 'J Morning • Morning but you may ask me questions. " .· l l:30-13-AMERICAN GLANDSTAND 11:30-13.:..LETS'S MAKE A DEAL Mylo; the little known star of stage, T.V., and bathroom John Dellinger sings his .newest hit "I Go· Lymph over , A detailed account of. the latest arrest by a narcotics wall is also the little known star of "The Progress Show" on SATURDAY

Wednesday

you." squad.

KTEP FM 88.5. He was born the son of lowly Evening Afternoon sheepfarmers, from Vado, New Mexico, but now due to 6:30-9-STAND UP AND JEER 3:30~13..c.LOSTAND SPACED popular demand is the son ofa bitch.

• Abbey Hoffman's special guest Jane Fonda with tapes of Dr. Smith takes some homemade acid and realizes what He attended Sodom and Gamora High School in East her Hano.i radio broadcssts. an ass he is.· . B.F .E. Michigan, was an undergraduate at Palotas.

Evening Zuckerman College for eight years majoring in pharmacy , 8:00-4-MISSION IMPOTENT .

9 :00-13,.., OWIN • MARSHA~L • and administrivia, but had to quit due. to an extended trip.

Film Stars Raquel Welch has an hour to do anything she • This week a collection agent for a neighborhood loan Unaware of what happened for three years we now come to can to bri~g out the manJn C~jll Wills. shark trys to find Owin' and collect $200 in principle and his local experiences. Supporting himself asa janitor at the $300in interest. ·, Grand Hotel he managed to put himself through the 10: 00-4-GRASSSMOKE· , · Columbus School of Bradcasting. He finally suffered a Kitty has a headache and Doc sells her a lid for it. Festus l.0~30"-13-COMEDYNUDES. br~akthrough in his career and worked for KVOF AM. finds out and blackmailsboth of them ..

This week featuring KTEP'S Marian Stevens; aiso. Dr, One night under the influence of the Munchies he thought .

ArleigllB. Templeton, Dr. Milton Leech, Jack Benny, Golda he would sit in for the town drunk at Drunkin' Doughnuts.

12:50-9.:...STAR FREAK Mier, Spiro Agnew, and a cast of thousands.

Bravely, stepping up to the counter to examine the goods he Kirk and Bpock investigate the lack of peyote on Alpha noticed the doughnuts behind her and drooled again.

Planet 47.

THURSDAY Realizing he shouldmake an order he decicted on doughnuts.

Moning • , Now the trauma of decisions, decisions. He took the filled SUNDAY i 1: 30-9-THREE ON A MATCH ones - you know - the Lithuanian Creams. He sat down 9:30--4-DEFACE.THE NATION Loaded hippies vie for valuable lids by attempting to light and began eating his. LC by sucking all the creme out. While Video taped highlights, QfJast week's attempted burning three joints from one cardboard match. sucking, hi~ throat was scratched by fingernail bits. He of the Washington Monumnet.

Afternoon • couldn't wait to meet the lovely who. dreamed up this 5:00-13-THE WILD WI[,D WET promotion gimmick.

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11:00-4-,-KRAFTSWITH KATY A continuing series on the sexual perversions of a moray Her name was Chrystall Clearr.

She worked at Drunkm This week, Katy sllows us how to make a roach clip out eel.

Doughnuts as an Assistant Dough Abuser. It took her two of a dorox bottle and gi~es hints on the best fertilizers for 6:00-4-BONANZA years to work her way up to this position and she wasn't joint fillers. . Little Joe ca-shes in when he harvests his crop of about to blow her chances for Head Dough Abuser because Acapulco Gold. of a bum rap. . • .. .

Afternoon Chrystall couldn't fail again.

The only place to go where 4:00-4-60 MINUTES Evening she was ~as up to bigger and beHer !hings.

That's the way it An indepth study of what five dollars will get.· you in 6:30-9-ADAM'S 12th was all her life.

Born in East Texas under the sign of the bull . Juarez.

A continuing series on the sexual persions of two of to two liberals with communistic ideals, she moved toWest 5:30-9-THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISEASE L.A.'S finest. . Texas to avoid redriecks and persons of extreme political Micky develops a case of athlethes foot after taking a 8:00-5:....EVENING AT THE POPS persuasion. Soon after arriving in Que Paso County, she got shower with Donald Duck.

Seventeen members of a commune demonstrate the most a job at Stuckers off Interstate 10 West as bubble ~um effective ways to consume assorted hallucenagenics. machine guard. Finding the job intellectually unreward~ng, Evenng she took a job as a Farah striker. That job didn't work out 8:30 7 4- DICK VAN'S DYKE FRIDAY either but she still wanted to work in the clothing industry.

This week Van's friend the dyke gets hers and looses her Evening She tooka job· at Pinney's. She bit off the sleeves oft-shirts reputation.

6:30-13-MOUSE FACTORY •to make .Pinney's Custom Tank Tops; maybe you are the Canning methods on mouse fHets •and cuts are offered proud owner of one. After gaining 20lbs. the first week on 9:00-9-HIGH.CHAPERONES . while Ralph Nader raids the neighboring tuna processing the job, she again realized this wasn't for her. After few Buck and Bluelook'ollas Monolito proves why they are plant. weeks of unemployment, she gave in and took a job as a not sheep herders.

7:30-13- PARTRIDGE FMHLY : ·• guiena pig ata hemmoroid test clinic. She quiUhisjob to do • Keith lays an egg. real life acne medicine commercials for the same company• MONDAY Afternoon 8:00-13- BEWATCHED Finding it socially unacceptable to U.T.E.P. Sororities, she •3:00-9- SPEED STREET Camera bugging hints are offered. quit thinking someday she would like to be "one of the • This week we learn how Mr. Hooper looses 100 pounds in 8 :30-13.-0DD COUPLE sisters" should she ever attend college. After being ~ w:eekwhile Big Bird counts to a million in 30 seconds.

Gentle Ben is allowed in the delivery room Lassie gives wardrobe. mistress at a nudist colony for a few weeks she 5:00-,-4-TOKIN'S HEROES resigned because it wasn't vocationallly stimulating enough This week Redeye Robertson sumggles 9 keys into his. birth to his. children. • 9:00--'9~SEARCH • for her. From there she moved on to Drunkin' D!)nuts where Maximum security cell in a Texas prison. • A midnight penicillan raid. is conducted by local police on she though she was happy, which is where we left off. a local hospital.

Eric though she'd be perfect to take over his time on Evening .

100:00-4-UFO · . . . . . .

KVOF. She thought it wouldn't hurt to try .it. Crystal, .LOVES 6: 30-4-BRIDGET BERNIE'S-'-:-X-rated _ Last show of the series;· The Undentified Flying Objects realizing· that this was for her, suggested that she and Mylo comedy . . ... . . ane finally discovered to be the University Pol\ce mounted .get together and do a show. Both .·being totally unfamiliar After a brief affair with Uncle Moe, Bridget realizes she on frisbees to prevent the· r~occurance of a "a clear and with progressive rock, that of it as a challenge. But with a still prefers Bernie. present danger.". little help from their friends and one ounce they realized it 7 :00-13-COOKIES 12:00-9-MIDNIGHT SPECTACLE wasn't as hard as it seemed. They both have alot of faith in Highlights of the marijuana brownie bake offinals; Stark naked and the Car Theives, and Simon Stokes and the show because they don't have anything to lose but their his Incredible BlackWhip Thrill Band play for you. .

• problems. For further information call toll free: Morning 800-368-5 3 63.

9:00-13- STOMPERROOM .

Today. Tex and Slim remove a layer of cow dung from the Editors note: The real Hf~ Chrystall Clearr and Eric Mylo living roo~ floor.

Spokesmen for the English departm~nt • have just may be heard by everyone in El Paso on Saturday nights . Afternoon ounced the discovery of new information that pr~ves from 8-10 p.m. as they hit it to the city with rock on the 4:00.:..9-l DREAM OF JEANNIE, MARY, JODY, PAM ann ' ·ooucmen ts JUSt Sl10w. that Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare. . _ Progress ANDOTfIERS uncovere d in th.e UT.EP library prove that, at the h time f The erotic dreams of Ernie Peabody-in technicoloer.

Shakespeare's works were written, Baco_m was too 111uc o a Evening ham, and Mallory had already burned lumselfout. . .

Chris Miller, editor of NATIONAL LAMPOON was in El 9:00-9-AMERIKA • The steam rising from the manhole •cover by the dmmg , Paso last month, and while he was here, he came byfo apply Tonight Alistair Cooke questions the incarseration ofthe . h~ll has been explained. Workmen investigating the great . for a. position on the EL BURRO staff.Unfortunattely, he Japanese-Americans duringWWII and the unlimited freedom·. outpouring of hot air discovered th~t th~ Texas Bore~ ~f passed our writing test, so we couldn't take him:;; ,,:,'. ',·,,·,·.

Regents has been holding secretmeetmgs m the sewer pipes. of the German-Americans at the same time in history.

March 1973

Page 8.

Pole~

Student Q. How.do you feel-about Arleigh Templeton?

35%...::. Who?.

56% ~ Very ill 2% ---'What are.his. measurements?

Q. If you had fo choose, would you?

45% - I already did •½% .- Only if there are bells ringing at the time.

80%. -What do I get if I do? .· Q. How many different types of grass grow on this campus?

2% _,,. Crab, chickweed, and buckhornweed 3% :-:-What is grass?

95% - How did you find out about that?

Q. Where are you going from here?

34% _, unemployment 67% - El Paso High 90% ,..... Hopefully, I will be able to pass my SAT tests with high scores and enroll in some minor. college.

Q. Have you enjoyed the multiple .rock groups which have performed on this campus during the present student administration term?

64%---' i'ni notinterested in geology.

58%C-- Yori call that an administration?

Q. Is there any truth to the rumor that there are students attending this university?

23% -·What is a rumor?.

56% - What is a student?

87% .-:-Where is this university you mention?

Q. How do you feel about the food in the . commons? . . .

89% -"-- I keep my fingers out of iJ as much ;is possible;· 34% -,- 'If it wasn't for the worms in the salad, I'd never get any meat.

76% - Is that the commons? I thought it was the sewage treatment plant: 2% - I really like the "Breast of Rat Delite."

Q. How do you feel about allowing dogs in the eating area of the Union Building.

34% _.,. . Not at all:.

65% .c.. Th~y ·leave me alone, I leavethem alone.

75% - If they are students, it's okay-with me.

Bufyouwon't catch me dating them.

Q. Last tQTie you looked, was it there?

34% - l wasn't wearing my glasses. 56% - I'm still blushing.

Q, 2i;y c0ordina ted colors.

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a·.· u· rr·.·1·. t o··. s· •

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66% - My dog Just had one.

The Publ_ications Committee turned_ thumbs down on a Texas Board of Rejects announced a new $6 million 2% - I have it for breakfast every morning. proposal to print a nude centerfold in EL BUR.RO. They building progra,m today. "We tried to .apportion the money Q. Have you ever seen a Frito lay? don't mind •us printing. bare facts, but they fee_! that no faidy, on the basis of need, among the.three campuses of the 47% _., You bet y<>ur life! nudes id good nudes. . • • . . . · . U.T. system," a spokesman in Austin said today. Items 89% ~ Is this the feature at Studio II? .Molds are 'thallic symbolds. [Probably very few people included in the program are: $4 million to build a new •22% _ Censored!_ .~ill understand this. Arnold.· colony is called a thallus. At . panelled and carpeted 6°story regents-only poolroom on the Q. Haveyou ever-been out on a date?_ • least we'll. find out if theymycology students are reading ·• Austin canwus to replace the old facility built in 1972, and 50% ,..... On Feb. 1I. us.J . d . . . t s$chedi,lled to be torn down because the carpeting is dirty.

The organism that causes rust iseases m gram 1s no a 1,999,950.00 to build a new Death Sciences Center to 35 % .::_ My barracuda would get jealous, • - Aren't they a little small to sit on? wheat •germ • complement _the Life Scienc.es Center already under -45% Who is Brenda Blach? construction on the Arlington Campus.

• Q. How many windows are th ere at th is university'i . NEWS FLASH!!! Narcotics agents just arrested the entire $50.00 to replace the lgiht bulbs in the U.T.-El Paso 46% -What are windows?

Union Food Service staff for selling hash. darkroom.

9% -::-- Only on weekends.

Norbert Bertnor, UTEP student blinded in a chemistry lab Texas Planning Board members met today and approved 400% -,-Are there many husbands dying? • accident last year, has just informed the EL BURRO staph the addition of three new campuses to the University of Q. Do you read The Prospector?

• that he has received a job offer from Western Athletic Texas system. The new universities will be known as 34% - I don't kriow how.

Conference headquarters to begin training immediately as a U.T.-Eagle Pass, U.T.-Crane, and U.T.-Ozona. They also 67% - The words are too hard. basketball referee. announced that, due to lack of funds and an over-extension 89% - No, but I bet he's hard to print something of the UT system, the board may be forced to close UT-El Paso in the near future. on.

23% - I file it next to the Sears Catalog.

Q. Does hair grow on your arms?

34% ....,. I use Nair.

98% ...., Everytime I take a bath. · 90% -'- I keep my rifle shaved.