Semantics discussed by Or. Sprinbed in library; you can or may come if you want.
Dr. Kinsey discusses student affairs at bedtime.
Student framed by cops: one million pounds found in his apartment.
Charlie Tuna defects to Juarei.
Fire breaks out in Biology building-'-Or. Webb saves rare specimens anoebic depentary.
Dog goes ape. Bites Education building to death.
Cigarette burns uncovered by UTEP police on the floor in Student· Union bathroom.
Tire biter caught biting hairs of football players leg.
• Students Credit Union extends creditto untenured·bank robber.
"It's not my faulty this time," sung by Lonnie Kilmer and the Contraceptives.
Actual UFO exclusive photos inside Martians and blind Venetians. an interview with deaf
Interviews with gas station attendants on the rationing of sex. •
Students picket the sun in San Clemente.
Mad r~pist Discovered in Boones F!irm Advertising production .studio.
Nine discovered by Dr. Pryor's T.A. as the breaking point for reality, picas, and punts. • Girl hangs herself on the front steps of the Sun Bowl with her ticket stub.
Photographer tells the story of his life as a voyuer with picture illustratio_ns.
Problems in Publication . . . ballpoint pen called back . by manufacturer on account of faulty points and balls.
El Burro writer stained indefinitely with green ink.
"EI-Burro
Editor-in-Chief-Bill Branch. B.A. 1 year El Burro Editor, Charter member of the Turtles, Friend of Minority groups, Shipping Clerk Extraordinaire, Lover of animals, and friend of the Iguana.
Managing-editor-Bob Zuck. B.A. I year El Burro staff, 3 years Prospector staff, 3 years Goodbye Duck, 'Coffee House Perker, World's most voracious coffee drinker, and loved one of Betsy.
1st Photographer-,-Chris Worden. 1 year. El Burro staff, 1 year Head Dish washer at the Mine, Cook for Miguel's 1st brother-in-law of editor, and the brother of and friend to all.
2nd Photographer-Alex D_urand. 1 semester El Burro staff, Son of the Tire Man, 'Appretise disruptive force in Student Publications Office, and hard working salesman.
·Secretarial Staff-(1) Betsy Osgood. 1 year El Burro staff, Goodbye Duck staff member, Jesuit B-team cheerleader, Free lance artist, Nertz Championship· team member, and often seen with Rob Zuck.
(2) Eleanor Branch. l year El Burro staff, Goodbye Duck staff member, 3 years with Bill Branch, other half of Championship Nertz team, and" friend or relatite to Bill, Bob, Alex, Chris, Betsy, Lexa, Nancy, Vina; John, and a lot of others too numerous to mention.
Ecteras-(1) Fred Kaiser. Goodbye Duck's current editor, used to work for us, student of campus, and the owner of Bob's Buffalo.
(2) Jon Sybert. El· Burro writer and • • scape •goat, lives on Hercules, and known to us all.
(3) Jan. Has unknown last name, gave idea for mecicine ad because medicine commercials make her sick,' taking Horseback riding course, and of times seen with Alex.
Dear Ed.
The irregular appearance _(and disappearance) of El Burro on the campus scene has prov·en to be the source of countless trepidation and sleepless nights not only to members of the Student Publications Board, but to Faculty and Staff members as well.
• In our brief time as resident funny men (and funny women) we have. kept this tradition intact. Our first issue caught hell for comments on cheerleaders and stray dogs. Our second issue caught it not only for a • few jabs at one Dr. Brooks, but for the sheer paganism of , our Christmas tree.
After a brief intermission, we were once again blessed with the opportunity to create. "The Posterior", a parody of our local organ, went virtually unnoticed until Lance Murray wrote a spot in "The Prospector" denying any knowledge •of our efforts.
As you can see, the trepidation falls not only on the publisher but on the -· ·publishe
This, then, is the Inaccurate Conception, the Birth of .the Burro, the Creation of Humor:
I. Sept. I-Begin work on El Burro. Make plans for 8-page issue twice during Fall Semester. 1st de_adline: Oct. 1.
2. Sept. 27-Begin writing. Hold staff meeting and accomplish 2 quarts. of Kahlua, 1 bottle Rum, and a case of beer.
3. Oct. 1..:...1st deadline. One page of copy written. No relief in sight.
4. Oct. 2-Fifteen page paper due for Dr. X. Forget Ei Burro for five· days. •
5. Nov. 2-Forget about 8-page issue. Try· for one 16-page issue around Dec. 1.
6. Nov. 5-Nasty phone _call from Della Malva. 1½ pages of copy.
7. Nov. 6~Second staff meeting. Wine only. Now have three pages of copy. .-
8. Nov. 8-New deadline · Nov. 20th. Another nasty call from Joe.
9. Nov. 14-Need money for new car. Must finish .El
Dear Ed, Dear Ed.
I can't take • anything I belong to. the school's· I don't know what to do seriously anymore. For every service fraternity and I'm in about my· girl friend. Things comment someone has, I charge of shooting the wer~ going great until she answer with a stupid joke canno1i at the football games started eating a lot of grapes: and 1 can't ":'rite an essay wheri the· miners score. My Now she always brings a examination _.without turning· job has been real slow these bunch of grapes with her it into a porn9graphic humor days. How can· I get the •wherever we go and squishes · feature. The counseling cannon to Work again? them. Then she says, ·"Oh, service tried to. have me put· Trigger Happy· ·how gross!-How dirty!" away, so don't suggest that. What can I do about it?
Dear Going,
•Going Crazy Dear Trigger, Tired of Grapes Be Imaginative! Don't
We have a place for you on the El Burro staff;
restruct yourself to scoring. Shoot it off for fumbles, broken plays, interceptions, Ed. penalties and time-out& Then, when a touchdown is
Dear Editor, sacred, do something
Why ar -you putting out special-shoot a cheerleader -this rotteri magazine again. _out of the cannon.
I've read everY one. of your Ed. issues and hated them: So • what if they're funny. Who Hey Ed baby, cares? •What this campus - What's h:;ippening man? I needs is •an •• informative hear you're back in business, newspaper. Why don~t •you that's really far-out. I been wise up and write stories readin' that other paper and about campus events • an_d it's been pretty funny, but if sports reports: That's what ya get it together I might not this campun needs: I don't have to read those funny want to have to read • football stories. Get your ass anymore funny stuff. It's not in gear and keep on truckin' funny!! • man.
Signed, Joseph della Malva
Burro A.S;A.P.
10. N·ov. 18-Serious (sober) staff meeting. Preliminary layout designed; 11. Nov. 20-Borrowed money for down-payment from Daddy: To hell with El • Burro.
12. Nov: 21-JOe calls; threatens serious action if deadlines are not met.
13. Nov 24-Anniversary party. No ones ever heard of El Burro.
14. Nov. 26-Mad men and women rush around. Twelve pages done.
15. Nov. 27-Take all
Signed, THE Hippy HIMSELF
down to Sun ];>ublishing and collapse: Final layout shows • shortage of seven pages.
_1(?. Nov. 28-Photographer engaged for final seven pages.
17. Dec. 3,4,5,6, or 7-El Burro is distributed ·somewhere. Hope they ended up at UTEP.
Dear Tired,
Get her to develop a· taste of bananas
I know you think you believe you understand what you· thought I migh( have said, but I am not entirely satisfied that precisely what you heard was exactly whatl had meant to say:
* * *
·Horoscope-You will meet a tall dark stranger who is not a member of the Athletic Department.
* * *
Spiro. Agnew was the best Vice President money could buy.
* * *
I'll bet mother never , told you about UTEP either
Discredits and Letter P.olicy
El Burro •is. • published , alone as the creative genius whenever We get around to it • on this campus. by Student • Publications at. • Any resemblance between the. University of Texas at El • El Burro and a real magazine Paso. Our mailing address is is purely intentional.
with your real name, so that we can use it to embarrass you. We reserve the right to make copies of any letters and hand· it out in case of
• none of your business. You Letters, love notes, national emergency. know too much already. memos,· or anything else Letters should be Opinions expressed in El should be sent to the Editor, addressed to El Burro, 204 Burro are ours _and ours El Burro, and must be typed Union West, UT El Paso, El· alone: We won't let anyone on an expensive quality Paso, Texas. Hate mail and else, including the University paper with passion pink ink complaints should. be sent or Student Pub take credit in order to be excp~t~d elsewhere. for..,ourLhilarity.?We•sfand'.'>>th~y ''mu_st ~Is'o b~?'sigiled:
When Yo.u Wish Upon A Star. • •
Get ready for. a dazzling Comet that will fly through the smog colored _skies any , time soon. A feelow namedLubos Kohoutek, •A Czech •· astronomer discovered the celestial freek of the century last March. You might as well _ see it this time because Haley's Comet isn't due till 1986 (two years after Big · Brother takes power) and Comet Kohoutek won't back -
--for another--75·;000-Years::
The comet is going .to be in sight for a long time; three months beginning from late November ' and sputtering around the globe tili the first of February. This will add.a _special adornment to • the christmas skies of 1973. _ Besides snow, nasty weather, and a fuel shortage, we'll have Kohoutek burning up before our very eyes.
I -• am a self employed • mathmetician. and I feel ·obligated to - submit my unbiased reports of what is really about to· take place. Real scientists really know what s going on,' the Cia ·really knows whats going on, but they are afraid to tell the real •truth. To begin with Lubos -Kohuotek didn't discover the comet -. it wa,s dis covere.d by • Igor Sunovabitch. ff theynamed it after Igor you cah imagine the things people ·would say asit went by. . .
Kohoutek is .a~huge mass of ice recycled beer cans and paper which will be followed .by a tail of vaporized gas and ; dirt made most visible_ in early - .January. The unfortunate thing howev~r is that the planet won't show it's tail too long. According to my colleagues findings the .Co111et. • is. traveling at a' calculated 70,000 miles per
Neat huh? They have hundred million tons· of tnt estimated that the comet will - or •the ·end of the J world, leave our vision shortly after whichevery comesfirst. : February first, but this is This is • _ very relaxing inacurate. information for many, but
all you can in Travel Agencies." - Undoubtedly a wise • choice, for theres _ nothing to stop _you from going on that vacation of
out of him. Just think of it, Nobody will be working, Not even your· TV. There is such a thing as video tape and you'll probably get Gunsmoke reruns on all three channels. •Everyone will be.cut in the open; Loving, Looting, Running; Screaming, sewing-it's goingto be amad house. It should be the time of your life so doN't waste any. it, start - planning·your future~
*Ten days after Christmas When all through the flat Not a creature is stirring Not even a rat Big comet Kohoutek Is gonna smash us all Flat* And thats the way it is***
hour .(that faster than J have calculated that on· some are rather squeemish your dreams short of death. Tommy Hudspeth running to contact with the suns energy about the _subject. When I Everyone should be able to the - locker room after a along with all that unused told ·the CIA - my findings use - their remaining time ·' football game). The fifteen Xarma floating around, that they said, "We knew Nixon wisely Now is the time to mile wide hunk ofjunk will tl!e planet wi_ll make a small ·. would get himself out of that DO WHAT YOU WANT. _ tour our insignificant planet diversion off it's calculated Watergate· mess somehow.'' If theres a chick you've from a distance of thirteen ·coarse and_ head for New On the other hand most of had your heart on for some million miles close to our York City. The impact oC the Robber -Barrons across time, un away to the hills • own sun. It is two to three K h
k ·th th t • f th
0 Ol.1 e wi • () sta ue O e country have this tosay with her_If youhaveaboss times _bigger. than a~y c~me!_i;-:,.t9Jjer~r. J9l: ~t~t~n .;1,~~~nd):·'1;tSelH-Sell!i:all<my)stock i~''"tl'i.',fr"ttev-e'f·you···reallf could· ever sited by our scientist. will be equivalent to one Pant manufacturing and buy get along with, beat the crap
The sun will rise in the west and set in the east.
Hold onto your Confederate $$$; the South will rise again.
Typical future football score: UTEP 35 ASU-56
The rationing of small cars is imminent and soon to come.
THE END OF THE WORLD IS NEAR! And i;f you can tell me when you should have my job.
UTEP will have winning season. (see next' _t:>rediction)
Grades issued thius semester will be as, follows: 4000 A's, 15,000 B's, 30,000 C.s, 15,000 D.s, 4000 f.s and 152,000 WP's. , •
Ask Mr.
Mathematics
The mos common everyday objects often have very complex mathemati<;:al structures. Take dice for example. They seem to be simple enough. They are certainly common enough. Yet, any of tjiemath professors at this fine university would certainly be at a loss if you aked them what dice were made of. They would tell you: dice are little cubes whose faces arenumbered. from one to six. And this brings us to the crux of the matter What is a cube?
In the first place a cube is a polyhedron, that is, a thing which • has vertices, faces, and edges. This definition is hardly rigorous. An • exact definition would put most of you to sleep. A few examples will show you what I mean. A • pyramid is a polyhedron. King Tut's has five vertices,, eight edges, four triangular faces, and one square face (the base). Do you see them? A cube has six square faces, twelve edges and eight vertices. A triangular prism (those things you freshmen physics majors play with to get all_ tlie pretty colors and f don't mean mushrooms) has two triangular faces, three rectangular faces, six vertices, and nine edges. The important thing is being able to see these things in your head. ·If you can't, I strongly urge you to get a hold of a cuby; pyramid and prism and verify to yourself the numbers I have given.
What do the mathematicians have to say about all this? The bullshit dealing with polyhedra is called combinatorial topology. Of all the branches of mathematics, this one is a true mother licker. Volumes of squiggly symbols take you virtually. nowhere. But to a math freak, getting there is all the fun even if there is nowhere. All this just from a pair of dice.
But why have I written this article? Just to let you know that when your math prof gives you a hard time and makes you feel like a dummy.variable, take heart.· He's not nearly so smart as he thinks. Because if he were, he could tell you what a .cube is made of. I know people who could tell you what a cube is made out of and you won't find no phud (Ph.D.) after their names. These people are called moco • nien. They study moco mechanics. By .the way, a moco is polyhedron all of whose faces •a~ regular polygons. A regular polygon is a plane figure such as a square or pentagon .whose sides and interior angles are.equal. As a matter of fact the
If fall 1973 is your first crack at college life, you might be a little • bit confused. ·uTEP has a: major for everyone, and if you fall in the confused category, we have one for that too. If you think you're a
Mass Confusion Dept.
'bit more neurotic than the average person, if you smok.e more than should be taken with_ a grain of their behavior. You might get to ten packs of cigarettes a day, if salt. • observe the experiment inwhich • you feel horrible all the time,.can't .• Don't just look, get acquainted two rats are placed in a skinn~r even get along with .yourself and with some of the weirdos in the box, and electricuted via the
you catch yourself questioning department. Meet some professors, grilled floor in the box, until the universe is made ,of mocos. So • your sanity, constantly, than there and visit a few classe_s before you rats begin to fight each other: You anybody who masters moco is a place for you in one of the toss the whole idea· out the· might even observe a lab instructor • mechanics has the secrets of the most overcrowded majors on this window. On entering the office of electrocuting a rat for the sheer universe at his command. What's .campus: the Psychology ari instructor, always have a hell ofit. the catch? Catch- No. 1: Mocos Department. witness or someone waiting Psychologists aren't restricted must be visualized. There is no If you're interested, the plan to outside the door, ready to aid you to working only with. rats, they symbolism that can handle the visit the department, there are a._ when the need arises. Always also torture monkeys, dogs, cats, complexity of these things. This few incidentals you should know appear interested in their appalling and • a wide variety of •other takes rigorous mental training. beforehand. Always practice the advice, and be sure to laugh at all domestic animals. Towards the Catch No. 2: A man's lifetime just "Buddy System" when touring the of their jokes. (Keep in mind that end of each semester, when their isn't long enough .to grasp \.basement of our liberal -Arts humor in itself is not the criteria rat supply is running ·low, they anything more than the basics of building. Embark on your tour used to determine what a joke is in give failing students a chance to moco mechanics. with a friend, and be ready for that department.) pull up tjeir average by Well, it's time for me to sign ,· anything! It would be unwise to There is much more to volunteering themselves as human off. I leave you with this thought. • visit the department after dark, so psychology than talking to· sick subjects. MAN FROM MOCOS. THATS try to get there early. Under no people; so visit some laboratory If you have access to a car WHAT I PREACH MAN FROM circumstances should you look classes and find out exactly what battery, plenty of cheese,· ar~ MOCOS AND HANG YOUR_ back once you've committed· else· they do._ You will probably somewhat of a sadist, still living in' LOUSY MATH PROFS WITH· yourself to the tour. Don't be · find that psychologists' spexid a a· cloud of vagueness that has THEIR DIFFERENTIALS shocked if on your journey, you great deal of their time torturing plgued ·you tl_uoughout your LIMITS AND VECTOR SPACES. hear screams, cries of Rape, rats. They usually cut open their childhood, and delight in these Abstinence, or cries of Impotence, heads, and attach electrodes to assets, then you're ready to make these are every day occurences and their brains in an effort to control the final •step and sign up as a psychology major. You need only make some final adjustments in personal appearance, and you'll blend 'in like acharm. You will need a pair of thick plastic, dark sunglasses, • only .to be worn indoors, a change of Indian beads; to be worn· around your neck at all times, and wear the same grey sports coat with an equally, dull T-shirt as often as po.ssible. Choose any selection of pa,nts as long as you keep the cuffs tucked into the upper portion of your Tony Lama cowboy boots .• The Wet Head is; alive and well in the Psychology Department, so you will need plenty ofvitalis. Facial follicles are now the rage so if you don't have to shave, x_ou may as well forget it. • Lastly, be sure to buy a copy of Beyond Freedom and Dignity, by B.F. Skinner, and carry it with you at all times. If the above •suggestions don't appeal to you, it_ would be just as easy to print a sign • stating. your major, and wearing it wherever you go. Keep •in mind that no department offers a sense of security, but the false sense of security and belonging offered at this University's Psychology Department, is one ~f the finest in the country.
After a busy day, the El Burro Editor relaxes in his favorite armchair. (At Left.)
One Jfan) Opinion
C<;msider the pos~ibility of Don .,_O's; football has been going Haskins •and •Tommy Hudspeth straight •downhill. Last year saw
exchanging· jobs. The University's the smallest attendance in the Sun athletic department ·could benefit Bowl since the stadium w:as built a. from the swltch. decade ago.
believes strictly in defense and from the looks of things, Hudspetfi is trying _to se_t a new offensive record for opponents; If "The :t;Jear" could take over the football program for one year, the Miners might not win more or any gruµes but Haskins would mak_e sure his. opponents wouldn't score an many points.
Last-year for the first IO ~r so games before the tough WAC competition began, the Miner basketball team under Haskins' jurisdiction, was allowing just over points agame
Everybody knows that if an Unless a miracle· o~curs, · this After the first five football games of 1973 Hudspeth's team was giving up an average of 48 points an outing. athletic department is to suMve, it year's edition of tlie "Amuzing must have a large revenue from the Miners" will hurt the athletic fund footballseason. even more.
Since'the few profitable years Wh¢re ' does· Haskins and If •. Hudspeth was basketball coach for one season, the Miners of Bobby Dobbs era of the mid Hudspeth. come· in? Heskins
:, and how far the Miners could have _ would probably ·•do •·. away with advanced in the NCAA playoffs. defense and become a basically • The subject has been raised as run-and-shoot team. With the to what kind of team the Miners talent Hudspeth would inherit; would have. had if Haskins had let 100-point games could be as "The Skate" do his thing. frequent as sub century •games Lacking the big men, it would have come under Uaskins' have been doubtful for a repeat of guidenc~. the 1965-66 season but at least the
Imagine what Hudspeth could Miners could. have earned a birth have dorie with such • former in the playoffs and might have basketball stars as Nate Archibald, even been one of UCLA's victims. David Lattin; Bobby Joe Hill and Haskins' defensive mind, if Jim "Bad News" Barnes. switched to football, • wouldn't Archibald would have been as have produced a winner against good if not a: better scorer than Idaho or Utah, but maybe he LSU's pete Maravich who was would have held them to UUST 50 setting NCAA scoring records points apiece. while playing during the same If the athletic department wants years Archibald was with the to ut the red tape and get its feet Miners. back on the ground, instead of No telling how many SO-point • underneath, Haskins should be· games Tiny rnight have recorded 'elected football coach to insure the University of a winning Seµson.
36. Memorial Jim - built by Manuel Labor and Rachel Prejudice.
·Minor
.Tradilions
Revealed
Traditionally, UTEP fresfun~n used to be put through aUsorts of •garbage on entering the University for the first time. Coeds were forced to wear beanies, signifying the fact. The young men weren't allowed t9shave or cut their '1air, and girls had to wear slacks instead of dresses. Both male and female freshmen were .not allowed fo show offtheir flashy wardrobes, but instead, had; to wear their grubbiest clothes. Sandals, patched blue jeans, work shirts, and coveralls were ·all ·part. of the "initiating look."
• The coeds were fo~ced to go to all the Miner football games and make complete · fools of themselves. They had to wear their beanies and Miner T-shirts through all four quarters. At any time, an upper classman could command a frosh to do anything from stand on his head to eating in the Commons. This was the only tradition, and everyone participated.
Back then the- frosh were compelled to attend all their classes and talk.• of all their teachers respectfully. It was quite a strain on entering freshman and each semester; about 30% ofthem would flunk out.
Tradition has changed drastically in the last few years at UTEP. We've changed our name a countless· number of times, our football •team uniforms are different every other year, never improving their playing. Everi the architecture has changed from foreign to even more foreign. looking buildings; none of which fit in anywhere. There never used to be. bomb scares in the old days, when somebody said there was a bomb in a building, it would go· off.
• Freshman were put down all the time and were forced to put up with countless absurdities. The reason for this was because frosh were considered to be naive, too young and too stupid to contribute anything co·nstructive to the school. With our present system, this University serves an equalising funct,ion, with the· type of education it provides, putting everyone from frosh to grad student in the same boat.
If you're an incoming-freshman and are worried about those absurd traditions some colleges have, don't despair. The biggest tradition on any commuter campus is apathy, and UTEP is :ri.o exception. So, if you want to be noticed as a new face on campus, a dummy that has j,ust gott~1,1 out of
The Six Daze of Finals (sing to the tune of the' "Twelve Days of Christmas)
On the first day of finals my campus gave to me a night in the library.
On the second day of finals my .campus gave .to me two bloodshot eyes and a night in the library.·
On the third day of finals my campus gave to me .three papers· writing, two bloodshot eyes and a night in the library;·
On the fourth day· of finals my campus gave to me four classe~ dropping, three papers writing, two bloodshot eyes and a nigh·t in the library.
On the fifth day of finals my campus gave to me empty pens, four: classes dropping, three papers writing, two bloodshot eyes and a night in the library.
On the sixth day of finals my campus gave to me six migraine headaches, five empty pens, four classes dropping, three papers writing, • two bloodshot eyes and a night in the library.
Oath Of Apathy
OATH OFAPATHY
I don't care. I really don't care. The coHege administriltion and all of its actions is a fact of life accepted by me._wli·en I paid my fees. I don't care about this oath except for the fact that it exempts me from participating in the swapmeets of racing for food, a fable, and company in the Student Union• Cafeteria. (which really doesn't matter anyway.) By this oath I reaffirm my commitment to' the spirit of UTEP. I avow never to participate in any activities on campus; to attend all football games we win; never to go to class; to always· complain about iny grades and other wrongs on· campus. But l also promise to •take no action any may I· be lashed with a wet noodle if I fail to keep my promises. By this;oath I (state. your name}c:loswear.
If this oath is ever signed, read; or kept you will not be allowed to continue as a student atUTEP. No real action will be taken because I REALLY DON'T C_ARE! !! !!
OUR ALMA MATER (Sung to the tune • of "My Country tis of ··Thee")
MY COLLEGE TIS OF THEE, SWEET LAND OF APATHY, OF THEE I SING. LAND WHERE THE fROTESTS DIED, BUILT O.N A MOUNTAINSIDE, IN THEE WE HA VE NO PRIDE DA DA DUMDUM DUM!
RIGHT NEXT TO TACd. ·BELL, AND BURGER CHEF AS WELL, PTOMAINE ISING! WHERE _L.EARING ISA.·. • FLUKE, _ U.T.E.P. YOU MAKE ME -··• PUKE, OLD RECORDSON THE JUKE, DA DA DUMDUM DUM! • @$%&*¼!½ -
OUR FOOTBALL TEAM IS BAD, WORST ONE WE'VE .EVER HAD, NOW AIN'T THAT SAD. ASARCO BELCHES WASTE, .SULFUR IS ALL WE TASTE, WE'LL LEAVE HEREIN GREAT HASTE, DA IJA DUMB, .DUMB, DUMB.
QUESTIONS MOST FREQUENTLY, ASKED BY INCOMING FRESHMEN
They think, therefore_they are we
•1. Why ain I here and what am I' supposed to be doing?
Snow White and the.Seven Dwarfs or think. Life •is just ·a bowl full of high school pt the service, forget it, nobody around here gives a_ damn.
Unless you're a genius or a girl with a siz 45 D nobody around here will bother you. much, so don't worry. I might add. t~at if you are a genius, you've been badly misplaced, and • if you happen to have a pair of 4S's, and are a chick, you may as. well quit school, cause riobody will .ever ·pay any attention to your educ_ation anyway. Enjoy your stay here at UTEP as best you can, we're just dying to meet you.
• In the beginning God created. Earth and U. T.E.P.
2. Does anybody around here know what good clean fun is?
No. What good is it?
3. Who is the .best teacher on campus?
Dr. Staff, who else?
4. Where do I go to score?
Anywhere except the Sun Bowl
5. To ·date, how many people have died of cafeteria?
Due. to the •subtly of the symptorfis, the exact number has not been determined. -
6. What are the furry creatures found in various areas of the campus? lf.ft,1~,:,"!~r,. Dr~~~-• Club is doing __ _:~;:;:~.~::::.\:~~:~~ ,:1;1;:\-'~:;"-,_/:: •
the Physics Department got lose. che"ies. But in the words of the 7. I know Physical Ed, but ·who is Muse: A bird in the hand is worth Memorial Jim? two in the bush, and two in the bush I don't .know, but it was built by is worth 5 years and $100.
• • Manuel Labor and Rachel Prejudice. 11. Why doesn't U.T.E.P. have. a
8. Where the hell can we. park _in this member on the Bored of Regents? hole anyway? Cause its too far to. walk and the • Freshmen herein to after refered to Bored· of Regents wo,i 't pay t/:ie bus as. Frosh are forbidden to park by fare. order of the Mexican National 12. What is the Student Senate doing "Government. Henceforth known as for me as a Freshman? the Law governing the territory Starting up a petition to get soft south of Amirillo county. bathroom tissue in the.L,A. lluilding. 9. Is there. a place on:campus where I Plus a project concerning the use of · can.do extensive research? • the mimeo machine in the LA. and No, but we know·where you can the. money made from tlie sale_ of • get expensive research. Contact matches in the Sub .Pass-Fail Enterprises, Inc. 13. What was it like in the old days IO. I've heard rumors that the when ASARCO didn't have a million Philosophy .'Department d.oesn't dollars worth of filters? ,~!i!IY exist, is this truey;,r:
AMui:the
New form of plantlife discovered on-la~n sprang up over night and has baffted all.attei
UTEP's solution to the toilet paper shortage in the Liberal Arts Building.
· Mr, Girl-watch-er; UTEP's own Confederate Army Gene;az.
eftJJJJenings
ifto
_
frRrit of Cotton Memorial. The blight
cut it down.
Efficient campus police settle minor controversy concerning head on collision of pedestrians. - -
The Scarlet Letter lives on! Pledges were branded last week during initiation into Adulta Sexa Sigma.
The:BeanofStudentAffairswasTherewillbeakeg.partyattheriver. �ircumsizedvehemently.for.·earringon··thisSaturday.The•sponsors.areth�El th afi cul ronth tu nU' •• Pl r o the
Two ofthe many unidenti]ied]lying obJects sighted recenity, after a surprise landing on the UTEP campus, Members of the Science Dept.are stilldee�ly mystified as to the significance of the symbols on the strange velucles. ... Iiivesiigatfortcontinuesat itsusualsnail's pace.
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i "¥ou as an incoming Fresh ground!
Ernie Peabody and his tid~nt .• may noJ be aware (Due to -the nature of the trained Avocado ; rrNthiscampus is the site of pisto!s and stamens, no one World ' Famous Irish 11 hnagined.· mag.nitudinous under the age of 18 will be •· • · Potatoe Peel and Fig. n e c.ta cle'. The Wonders of admitted unless accompained · · · The Jalapeno Chorus. ni < vegetable· world in byParrot or Gardenia.) ·
· AND straight fro. m.t heir ·- two ap •• .tvity • fo · r the fi rst time VEGETARIANS · not
· ·
• week stand at the corner of ver! YOU •can witness the admitted • for obvfous . •Fifth and Main: i~ade of, a cactus giving •• reasons!!!!
Ronnie Rutabaga and his r th ! · see · beet s be et, olives· Turn on, TUne out, Freak • ·Radish Review with - their il; watch celery stalk, the down to the gra~ sounds at rti- choke~and keep your the Turnip Ttirpsickery; Our ~~0 !;::~,,~ike the Way ye on the pear on the star-studded cast includes: ·.
Hours: MWF 8:3ffp.m;--4:30 p:ni. TihS 9:00 a.m;-5:00 p.m. Sun-Closed to public but privates may attend for a noniinalextra fee.
Admission: 1 bottin.
• Showtimes: · M,T,T8-:-10 and 12-6:30' Wed. Sat 3: 15-9:45 Sun, Fri, ·No show, unless • they fall on the 10th or the 31st,' in that case we're not sure.
is, and •narrowing the field, we come how~ver, somewhat. hampered. to the second: desirability. This How can a man decide which should involve the establishment woman is worthy of his amorous of operational -guidelines. These· advances? Who-will appreciate·the • guidelines are personal but should time, devotion and monetary vary with -·· the degree of sacrifices offered by, the aspiring concupiscence. Caution should be young intellectual? How can you exercised to limit the guidelines to find out without asking her a number that will not overburden hairdresser? There are several _your resources of time_ and methods available which will physical • endurance. When you work. .have allowed for the second factor
The easiest method for insuring you are ready to consider the third proper female companionship is to and most strategic: g~llibility. be rich. All women are compatible Since time immoral man has with rich men [(a) chauvinists (b) • been trying to figure out the right misogynists (c) prophets (d) all of line for the right girl. You have a the above.] The secnd method is much better chance of doing this • to be "good-looking/' This when you can determine her involves a $25 hair-styling and gullibility. If you convince her $200 worth of clothes· wrapped that you're a literary ·genius when -decorously around your body. The _ your longest work has been the third method is more involved: remarks section on a welfare form, This final technique requires an she's gullible. When you make her application_ of the scientific • believe yqu're a writer by method. Science is usually divided· producing an unpublished into two gro~ps: physical and manuscript she has faith in social. The physical sciences tend mankind. If you impress her by toward concrete solutions while telling her you're and El Burro the social sciences lean more_in the staff member, consider her direction of probabilities. functionally illiterate. A good Seduction is a social science ~nd interpretation of this last factor , should _be approached as such; In will increase • immensely your other words, there is no chance of success. guaranteed home run with this Bobby Riggs has fallen, advice ;_ just a chance to improve someone - must take his place. your batting avera,ge.
Applied science could make that • The first thing everyone should someone YOU! Availability realiie (but few do) -is that a desirability, gullibility: the se-cret. primary emphasis should be placed behind the knowing smile.
on WHO you ask, now HOW. This leads us to the first factor inthe successful seduction: availability. It is unrealistic to set your sights on movie stars and beauty queens, they are physically unavailable. It is also unrealistic to make a move toward the chickees on campus
_ who dress and LOOK ~e movie stars: If you had-enough financing'-< 'to underwrite a competent bid in -
• 3. The parking is bad, the food in the ; cafeteria is terrible, the library is under stocked, the bookstore is an extortionist, the astro-turf is still growing, registration hurts the rear end, (translation for upper classmen: . it's a : pain in the ass); the construction noise is too loud, the grass is always too wet to sit on, the
_rece_nt publication of Psychology
Tomorrow there was an experiment which showed that a student's most effective studying can be done while he is in. the process of defecating.
At first I thought it was ridiculous, but .the more I think about it the more senseit makes. The theory is· tl).at the process of defecation enhances the learning process because of the novel
• situation it provides while a subject is _seated on the throne with some type of reading material.
Dr. P.E: Train explained this by saying, "When a person begins to defecate, there is a job to be done, and· nothing short of tragedy will deny him has basic bodily. nee.ds. How many students go_ about studying with these feeling~? On the other hand, when one sits down at a desk to study, there are various ways he can be sidetracked; the phone inay ring, a good _ TV show might be on, a study break is taken to get a cup __ of coffee, and most ironically, a good study session is •often interrupted when the student makes a journey to the toilet."
After I read Trains article, I immediately went to the Union and randomly selected 20 students and questioned them on their toilet training and habits. Sixteen out of the· 20 expressed that they always bring reading material with
reading available. Listerine, Right Guard, and various hairspray cans were the most widely read literature. In essence, they have said they feel motivated •to be occupied with some type of written material while taking a crap.
After all, why goes so _ much entertaining grafitti appear on the bathroom walls, on the other hand, why do people seated on the throne, rove their eyes about the walls in search of that catchy phrase that will make their day. Often times I've heard a professor start off· a_ class by telling the students of the good one liner he read in the faculty bathroom.
Newspapers, cast off magazines and campaign literature are often found in • bathroom stalls. This type of evidence has given the bathroom such names as the reading room, the library, • and many _other vague terms. One obvious advantage to this is that
paper.
Some of the greatest and most important decisions of the century have been made on toilets. Can you imagine how many people stayed home on their toilets when they should have been out voting against Nixon in 1972. It was Newton's theory that was twisted by modern scientists from "what go·es in, must come out," to ''what goes up must come down." And what do you think he was really doing under that apple tree?
With the results listed in Trains experiment, we as UTEP students could be the first to benefit from these fecal findings. The next timeyou study, do it where it will count. Our ·administration always one , jump ahead everyone else in ·matters of. this sort, and has already embarked on an 8 million dollar project that will replace all the desks in the Education and Liberal Building with toilet seats.
QUESTION: As a Frosh what was your first impression of U. T.E.P?
l: It reminds me a lot of the Mickey Mouse Club.
5. It reminds me alot ot Ei Paso 'fe"h, but it's not as.well equipped and the teachers _aren't as good.
burns my
4. I want my mommy!
A 1972 Dodge Charger was reported stolen in front of the Studio 11 Movie theatre last tuesday. The suspect is a small bottle of unbreakable vaseline that was noticed in the Pla~a harrassing maids and gardeners on their way to , work early that same morning. The car was. found on the old Highway 80 riorth of another road and a 7-11 •store. The steering wheel was sticky and the rear lights were smashed out. The , burglar obviously was going in reverse, lost control of the vehicle.and backed into on oncoming · Yucca plant, Damages were estimated at 2:00_p.m. today and the vehicle was pronounce. intact by Danny· Shnooks. The theifs name is being withheld since they don't • know who the !:ell is was.
MOTT_OI know you think you •
•• ·comprehand the significance
• of what I might have •said, but _ I am not thoroughly _convinced that what you think you heard was precisely what I had meant to say. But, wb.o cares???
You can't make an omlet
• without breaking a few eggs.
* * *'
• ATUTEP a student activist is someone who bothered to register to vote.
Legalize Marijuana; not wire tapping.
* * *
A bird in the. hanci is worth two in the bush, and two in the bush is worth five days and.a hundred dollars.
This little piggie went to marke_t;
This little piggie stayed home.
The third little piggie busted, Two dudes in leech grove for smoking a joint.
* * *
The bigger, t):ley are the harder they fall.
-Tommy Hudspeth Ifthe shoe fits, wear it. Tony Lama
Sex rationing is not a nightmare, it- is soon to be a reality! Example! •
New cars are equipped with seat belts that must be worn in order to start the car. "So what?" you say. Well, during winter moriths belts must be on to use the heater.
Example: _ The energy crisis, even indoors is affects you. It's cold, in the winer and 68 degrees isn't exactly the perfect temperature. In· the summer it is hot and • might get hotter if all goes well, but can you be sure the air conditibner is going to be turned on, too?
•
P .I.M.P. is the perfect answer for you. Put sex back _ where it belongs - into your
. life. Remember: Even though sex is centrally located, it still may be hard to get.
SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER!!
For only $10 we will send you all of the following:
* An. official · P.I.M.P ._ membership card that will •get you in anywhere •in the • country.
* $3,000 worth of skinflicks, new and used.
* An autographed copy of Peter Tool's latest bestseller, "How to Make it in the • Modern World.
* A 6~year subscription to our • monthly newsletter, "The Keyhole," a -quality publication featuring articles ,of interest to the • sensous · man or woman, like "The - Pills Cured my Ills," "Oh,
CLASSY FIEDS •
Attention Political science majors. Stereo typists. Many new jobs open. Start at the Now .in greet demand at. your top*** w/salary of $400,000.00 Can unequal opportunity employer. A place you dig it?. Out of, those 400 G·•s you'll •,where we, call a spade a spade, An only have to pay about 1,000 in Italian -a ;cµt throat,.: a , French1J1an a income tax Interested? To Qualify ,you frog, a teacher an unhappy student, and only need a couple of wealthy friends, a jock a queer. Frat rats are Fags, a bad reputation with the l11dies, and a. Sorrority chicks snobs, writers are. crummy personality. If you think you alchololics, pregnant girls are Joose, and could hack four years of secluded so many more. Come now, come one, ·relaxation and foreign polygomy, good come all, but don't come too quick. for you.
Carpenters _ A Hmited number of. jobs still exist in building back a crumpled republican cabinet in Washington. Nails must be Coui:iter-sunk in two inch wood ·beams for support. Transparent Laquer may · not be used this time. Submit Bids. to the Dodge Room on 210 Texas
Avenue.
Plumbers
Albums For Sale Doris Day Live at the Rose Bowl
The Many Moods of Wayne Newton Jethro Tull Live at the Vatican Mary Poppins Soundtrack Listen and Learn Polish Nixon's Greatest Speeches-a 45, one side blank
Books For Sale
Essentials of Butterfly Collecting
TexasA&M Abnual 1970
Unlimited field in working for the Plate and Platter (text for Home Ee.
cabinet as soon as the Carpenters finish. 301 ) Tools must be worn outside in plain Picture Guide to Squirrels and sight. _Some knowledge of plumbing Beavers of Texas helpful, Experience in recording equipment and telephone services vital.
Those Gonads," and others
Our "House organ" is small, but as circulation. increases, we are growing bigger with each passing minute. •
* plus our special mystery bonus bag of tricks.
We are serious, sincere organ, and our goal is sex without rationing. We strive for equality for all, not just ·the well-endowed.
Help us help you!! Join P.LM.P. and sfand· up for . your rights. We will support you 100%.
We are and equal opportunity organization. However, you must be over 21 or awfully mature to join COME ONE, COME
ALL!! Join P.1.M.P. today! Phone 747-5161 for further information.
TO TOMMY by Faculty R.
In~~mprehensible
AUSTIN.··
HIGH IS WINNING, CORONADO IS, TOO. TELL US, PLEASE MINERS, WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?
THE ASSTROTURF'S COMING, IN JANAURY THEY SAY. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW US THE WAY?
HOW FAR; TO .THE GOAL· POSTS?
TEN·, TWENTY, THIRTY, OR MORE?
OH, MINERS, DEAR MINERS, OH, WHEN WILL YOU. SCORE?
YOU LOST-THE GAME LAST WEEK, YOU BIEW IT AGAIN. OH, MINORS, DEAR MINORS, OH,. WHEN WILL YOU WIN?
WE LOVE YOU, l'M S.URE, OR, OR LEAST, THAT'S WHAT I THINK.
OH~ TOMMY,.THIS YEAR, THE MINERS. SURE DO STINK.
IT'S LATE, IT'S LATE, NOT EARLY YOU SEE. WHEN ARE WE GOING TO SEE AT LEAST THREE? -
ODE
U. T. El Paso Quarterback hits a home run in last week's game.
: Pre'-garri~ adivity-'in 'the 16(:ket i:oorri •
SPORTS FLASH! •
The UTEP Flying •Minors •. • faced their ··toughest opponents-· ~f -the season'iast week when they battled the • Ben Milam • Elementary School Oyster_s~. The Oysters,, • led • by :11~year • old Susan -Phipps, procededto demolish the Minors in shq:rt order.
Early in •· the •• second quarter, with the score an uneven46~0, the Oysters felt they w~re the .victims _of a ·• massive practical joke. They 'stalked off the· field, muttering- something about the quality of college•football; • Three pliys later, • the Minors scored.
