A New Beginning

In memory of my Aunt Nancy Taitt, who gave me the courage to apply.

By Taryn Ramirez

I had had similar thoughts during my first turbulent week in England, like when I stuck my brand-new Oyster card into the ticket slot instead of scanning it, or when I nearly stepped into oncoming London traffic because my careless feet had already forgotten on what side the cars drove. The typical American tourist, I am sure both the train attendant and Underground employee thought to themselves as the latter dug my card out of the machine and the former told me (rather cheerfully) I had missed the train by three seconds.

Although painfully embarrassing, none of these moments quite compared to earlier in the year when I really did question my monumental decision, about three months after I accepted my offer to study at Durham University.

Make no mistake, England captivated me long before watching Downton Abbey or becoming engrossed in all things British. So when the opportunity arose to study for a year in Durham, the excitement of a dream fulfilled overpowered any creeping of fear or doubt; I began researching, planning, and reading all the literature I could, beginning the lengthy processes to travel overseas; and the doubt dozed dormant amongst my subconscious - for a time.

Second-guessing personal choices comes with the terrain of significant life changes, and regrettably, I lack that particular immunity. As the initial dopamine of being accepted wore off and the realities of moving unfurled themselves, any and all reasons to stay in Texas bombarded my thoughts. The uncertainty of success, the guilt of leaving my family, the lurking grip of homesickness, and the anxiety of a health concern two years in the healing circled into a dizzying spiral. Basically, I was scared. Looking back, many of my fears allotted themselves in the “things I cannot control” category, but while in the midst of crippling hesitation, who thinks rationally? Or thinks anything at all besides “maybe yes, maybe no”? I stayed up late at night wondering if it was wise to leave and follow my dream when I had never even left the country before.

One of my favourite TV shows, All Creatures Great and Small quotes, ‘Without fear, there cannot be courage; without courage, there cannot be pain’. There are droplets of pain in everything we do: the pain of leaving, the pain of guilt, the pain of losing a beloved monarch (Rest in Peace, HM Queen Elizabeth II - I missed being in her England by five days), the embarrassing pain of missing your first train. But wouldn’t we take the sting of pain for the hope of courage, and finding solace to withstand the affliction?

The solace I found during my first month in Durham came from the amalgamation of little, trivial things. There is a certain expectation for culture shock to involve loud, overwhelming differences, and yet, perhaps luckily, because of the little things I found this false. The little things fill the emptiness of difference and doubt; like arguing with your roommates about the merits of Fahrenheit over Celsius; watching their faces blanche when you mispronounce ‘pasty’ by dragging out the ‘a’; overindulging in your first fish and chips with extra mayo; adjusting your weekly schedule to accommodate the days of open independent study; establishing a love/hate relationship with public transportation; matriculating inside an actual cathedral, and cursing the architects of Durham city while wheezing your way up an exceptionally sharp hill. Even the steepest of Durham’s hills are punctuated with breathtaking views (yes, I am thinking about you, path by the Observatory.) The most frustrating events, like forgetting your favourite American spices or falling down the stairs in an 18th-century bed and breakfast, are peppered with humour. Even the gloomiest and most uncertain of national news are permeated with an inextinguishable hope, seen so many times just this year when countries shared in each other’s hardships. There are definitely things I miss about America - the nationwide availability of canned pumpkin and authentic Mexican food being top of the list - and things both physical and emotional I cannot live without - yes, I brought pictures of my dog to keep me company - but with the addition of new friends, constant support from my family, and those frivolous little things, over a time even as short as a month, they keep you whole.

So, the next time I or you start secondguessing the next big adventure, take my advice and stop sabotaging the potential. Listen to those closest to you, listen to your heart, and listen to what captivates you. I am so happy to be here, and happy now to call Durham my home.