How to Recognize and Help With Regressive Behavior in Children

HOW TO BY NIKKI MILLER, MFCT PRESIDENT ACADEMY SWIM CLUB

RECOGNIZE AND HELP WITH REGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR IN CHILDREN

Children learn in stages, within their current developmental physical abilities, moving from the inside, outward.

Meaning that their physical development starts with the trunk, moves to the limbs, and then the fingers – gross motor first, then fine motor, through each stage of development. Learning progresses until they are disrupted by distress or trauma. This may be in the form of a death, divorce, move, or pandemic. These can halt development, disrupt it, regress physical, emotional and intellectual development, and can even change the brain makeup or chemistry. They may lose skills they have previous learned, and struggle to relearn them. Not like “riding a bicycle.” They may also regress to an earlier stage of development.

Even though we have all been exposed to this pandemic, every child, in every household may have experienced it differently. Normally, parents can protect their children from stressful situations, but when stress is pervasive in the home, even very young children can feel it as their own, and release cortisol in the brain in reaction to the stress around them. Follow up studies comparing drug use in siblings where one sibling uses and the other has never used, but otherwise were raised in the same household under the same conditions, found that the drug user was exposed to a high amount of stress “in utero”, and struggled with stressful situations throughout their lifetime, more than their siblings.

As teachers, we can’t assume that every household has had adaptive parents and a healthy home. During this past year, diagnosable mental health problems went from 10% of the population to 25%. Drug and alcohol use went up 450%. Some relationships got closer, but many will, or have ended broken, with the added stresses of work, home and school under one roof. Parents are overwhelmed, and their children can feel it, even if they don’t hear it. When children don’t feel safe and protected, they come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with them, or they are crazy, because this is safer to them than the alternative: that something is wrong with their parents, who they depend on for survival. Children will often blame themselves when parents break up, because they were the targets of the yelling, or they caused some stress by not doing something right. This leads to feelings of inadequacy & failure. When these feelings are repeated too often, children give up. They stop trying. They just exist.

Most children have been much more isolated than their teachers, for a year. To put that in perspective, if you heard that a parent had grounded their child for a year, you would be horrified and report them for child abuse, because this is very hard on them in every way possible. Many children understand about the pandemic requirements, but they are not emotionally developed enough to handle it. Many adults aren’t either.

COVID has affected every child in every household, from stay-at-home orders, to businesses and fun activities shut down, to school closures, to play ground shut down, to the inability to visit relatives or friends, get or give hugs, and the stress parents have undergone, either financially, socially, multitasking school, etc. For many of these children, this has been a traumatic experience, filled with stress.

Stress causes regression in memory, learning ability, speech, development and focus. This is similar to the fight, flight or freeze in adults. When prolonged stress is triggered, the child goes into survival mode, and may become hyper- alert, distracted by small movements or sounds, and readies to react to them. They may burst into tears very easily, or become aggressive. Their brains have a hard time learning, as they are in survival mode. When this goes on for nearly a year, a child learns to live with a form of PTSD. What teachers will report is many more children with “ADHD”, as that is what this will look like to them. But it is far more. Stress causes regression, and regression then causes more stress. It may be a blessing that lessons are mostly private now, instead of group.

Many children in lessons will be more reluctant and scared than they were. Some will be reluctant to go near or touch their teacher, as they have been taught to distance. Children may be delighted to be in class with others, or they may be nervous and withdrawn. Many children will communicate with their behavior instead of with words. You need to figure out what the child is trying to tell you. As sad as it is, we have to be alert to the fact that many children have been abused during the stay at home orders or isolation period. Children who have been abused may bully other children in your class, and you must have a calm plan in place when that happens. (Not EVERY child who bullies has been abused, but it is common among children who have.) Does the bully need to be in private lessons? Does the bully need to stay on your back, instead of the steps, while waiting for his/her turn? Sometimes having the “active” child go first goes a long way to giving that child the positive attention needed, from you and the whole class.

Validate your students and what they are feeling. This will help them bond with you and trust you. Use positive reinforcement now along with praise and rewards for just trying. Punishment will only help your student give up sooner, or regress even further. Routines and rituals will help your student feel secure, and your attitude will help them lose the stress often attached with learning, and help them improve. This is paramount for instructors. Do not show any sign of frustration or impatience. Use calm, soft spoken words of encouragement, praise and approval. Be patient for the child’s readiness. Some will bounce back quickly, but others will take some time, as they have been through more than you know. Redirect unwanted behavior into something more positive. Give attention with eye contact. If a child feels they are not getting enough attention, they will behave poorly just for that negative attention, which is better than no attention, in their eyes. They need to feel seen and heard. When they can’t communicate with their words, they will communicate with their actions, very often mirroring what they have lived through, but not always understanding why. When a child feels unlovable, their only way to be seen and heard is through negative measures, which then affirms that they are unlovable. See them all with all the love you can muster. They are all precious babies who are doing the best they can with what they have lived through. You can throw more play, fun, and humor into your lessons once the child feels safe and secure. When a child feels loved, they feel safe, and will do anything they possibly can to please you and seek your positive approval.

Nikki Miller is a licensed Marriage, Family & Child Therapist, as well as a past National & International Play Therapy Supervisor. She was a collegiate springboard diver, was the head diving coach for the local high school district, and owns Academy Swim Club, with 2 locations in Southern California. She is married with 3 grown adults.