I’m Glad My Mom Died

Last month, I was walking around in my local bookstore, when something pink and yellow quickly caught my eye: Jennette McCurdy’s memoire I’m Glad My Mom Died. I was immediately intrigued, which is not surprising. Of course I’d heard of the memoire before, it was quite the talk when it first came out last August, but I wasn’t planning on reading it. As is probably the case for many early 2000’s kids, iCarly was a pivotal part of my childhood and I didn’t want to change my outlook on that. That felt kind of ignorant though, and I really was curious about what she had to say, so I decided to buy it anyways. I’m really glad I did. Since this Issue’s theme is wars, I decided to write about Jennette’s life and most of all, her toxic and abusive relationship with her mother. This is, of course, not a literal war, but more of a metaphorical one.

What immediately becomes crystal clear is that Jennette’s mom, Debra McCurdy, was abusive with a capital A, and extremely narcissistic as well. One of the first things we get to know about her, is how she survived stage four breast cancer when she was only thirty-five, and she’ll never let anyone forget it. Jennette says her mom “used to reminisce about cancer the way most people reminisce about vacations.” “Even though the facts of it are so sad, I can tell that the story itself gives Mom a deep sense of pride. Of purpose. Like she, Debra McCurdy, was put on this earth to be a cancer survivor and live to tell the tale to any and everyone … at least five to ten times.”

Apart from the fact that being a cancer survivor served as her main personality trait, Debra McCurdy also used her children as emotional crutches. Early on in the memoire, it becomes clear that her big dream growing up was becoming an actress, but her parents never let her. Which is why Debra signs Jennette up at an acting agency at only six years old, to “give her the life she never had.” Jennette, being a very shy, observant and emotionally intelligent child, doesn’t really like acting but her mom wants what’s best for her, of course, so she doesn’t protest. Jennette learned, early on in her childhood, to adapt her behavior to her mom’s moods and expectations, doing anything she can to keep her happy. A very prominent example of this to me, was the following conversation, when Jennette was about eleven years old, and told her mom she wanted to quit acting: “I don’t want to act anymore,” I say before I even realize I’ve said it. Mom looks at me in the rearview mirror. A mixture of shock and disappointment fills her eyes. I immediately regret saying anything. “Don’t be silly, you love acting. It’s your favorite thing

By Sam van Nijhuis

in the world,” Mom says in a way that makes it sound like a threat.

“No, I really don’t want to. It makes me uncomfortable.” Mom’s face looks like she just ate a lemon. It contorts in a way that terrifies me. I know what’s coming next.

“You can’t quit!” she sobs. “This was our chance! This was ouuuuuur chaaaaaaance!” She bangs on the steering wheel, accidentally hitting the horn. Mascara trickles down her cheeks. Her hysteria frightens me and demands to be taken care of.

“Never mind,” I say loudly so Mom can hear it through her sobs. Her crying stops immediately, except for one leftover sniffle, but as soon as that sniffle is over, it’s complete silence. I’m not the only one who can cry on cue.

“Never mind,” I repeat. “Let’s just forget I said anything. Sorry.”

Debra McCurdy’s manipulation tactics, didn’t stick with forcing her daughter into acting. She was also terrified of the thought that her children would grow up one day, probably because they’d be harder to control when they did. That’s why, when Jennette was eleven years old, her mother taught her a strategy which would allow her to “stay small” and “stop growing,” so called calorie-restriction. This “diet,” which was basically just the teaching of an eating disorder, was the start of Jennette’s long struggle with anorexia and later on, also bulimia. The enabling of her daughter’s eating disorder, was another way for Debra to manipulate and control her. She made sure Jennette was completely dependent on her. She wouldn’t even let her shower herself. Every day, she would shower her and gave her breast and vaginal exams to make sure she didn’t have any mysterious lumps or bumps “because those could be cancer.” She continued to give these exams until Jennette was seventeen years old. Jennette herself describes this as an out-of-body-experience. “By the time the exams are done, a huge wave of relief washes over my whole body and I usually realize that’s the first time I’ve felt my body since the exam started. It’s weird … when the exams are happening, I feel like I’m outside of myself. Like my body is a shell I’m disconnected from and I’m living entirely in my thoughts.”

These were just a few examples of how abusive Debra McCurdy was. The rest of the story is at some times even darker, especially after Debra eventually dies when her breast cancer returns. Yet I really enjoyed reading it. Jennette has a way of describing a heartbreakingly sad story in such a humorous and ironic way, that it was hard to put it down. All in all, I think

Jennette is an extremely strong person for overcoming her trauma and using her experience to help others and she deserves all praise in the world.