PARENTS’ CORNER

by Jenny Petite

Why Failure is a Good Thing

HOW I LEARNED TO TAKE THE FEAR OUT OF FAILURE

Now that my children are grown and my nest is empty, I have ample time to reflect on their rearing. As a fencing parent, I wish I would have allowed my son to embrace his failures in fencing with less interference. Although no one has ever accused me of being a helicopter mother, I think I may have helped my son sidestep the school of hard knocks a few too many times, consequently contributing to his lack of drive, stamina and confidence in his ability.

When my son competed, I would be so concerned about his being upset because of a loss that I would quickly swoop in, rallying behind him to help him cope and offering my solutions. In hindsight, this kept him from creating his own solutions, determination and resilience that go far beyond the fencing strip. Just as it is necessary for a mother bird to push her baby out of the nest even though they may come crashing down to the ground, it is important for us as parents to allow our children to feel the burn of failure.

Here are some reasons why failure is so important:

1. Failing teaches coping skills and problem solving, which is needed when your athlete faces adversity on and off the strip. 2. Seeing failure as an opportunity to learn teaches your athlete to deal with emotional setbacks in a healthy manner, allowing your athlete to grow mentally and emotionally. 3. Failing can facilitate the potential for your athlete to build an excellent work ethic. 4. Failure gives your athlete a reason to work harder to achieve their goals. 5. Failure will help your athlete become more conscious about their performance, forcing them to analyze their performance and figure out where they need to improve.

So now that we are thinking of failure in a more optimistic light, what are some ideas for handling it as a parent?

1. Remain neutral. Your athlete should never feel like they let you down, this is their fight – not yours. 2. Although it is not always fun, and we may not want others to see our child sulk or be ticked off, allow them to feel the frustration and anguish for a bit. Step away and let them feel the loss completely on their own.

3. When they approach you, agree it is not fun to lose and be disappointed, but do not be tempted to try to make them feel better. A casual “s--- happens” approach will teach your child to see that failure is a common experience. 4. When a significant amount of time has passed, broach fencing in conversation without bringing up the substandard performance. If they do, ask questions like, “what do you think went wrong?”, “what can you do about it?” or “is there anything you can do to prepare for your next competition?” Asking questions versus telling them what to do will help your athlete find their own way to resolve the issue, cope and strategize. 5. This is also an excellent time to bond. When the wound has healed a bit, tell them about a time you failed, tell them how disappointed you were, how you responded, make light of it, what you did for resolve, if you made improvement. This can normalize failure, and take the fear out of it, enabling your child to continue to push through and improve.

I know we want our children to always have positive experiences, but the realities of life guarantee this is not the case. If we help our athletes see these as opportunities for growth, we allow them to create and find tools to confront, excel and rise above adversity.