Dilarang Merokok Di Kawasan Kampus (Surat Peringatan 1)

Foreword/disclaimer, this is just a little peek into the process of creating this zine (which, ngl, is still ongoing). I’m gonna write how I talk (bilingual and jumbled), so sorry in advance!

trigger warnings: death ideation, suicide ideation, mention of gun violence, talks about mental illness, minor alcoholism, minor addiction

how it started

The idea for the zine itself hadn’t even formed months before I made the first defining writing for it. Burdened with university activities and studies and the emotional baggage that came with it, I wrote one of the drafts, ‘rot’ (now called Chapter 22: Take Me Away From This Rotten, Rotten Place). I felt dirty and icky when I found out a student association I joined and saw dearly was not as it seemed– and it wasn’t a rose-tinted glasses-on-then-off situation, it was more akin to pouring expired milk into your already iced glass of coffee. 

Giving local context to people out of this country (I’ve no clue if university life in Indo is similar anywhere; I only got movies and social media to get a grasp of it; and it’s so different), there’s this ‘we are one! you belong here <3’ culture in student associations, committees, and volunteer work (which is weird in hindsight, maybe we’re all raging romantizers). It’s sweet, yes, but more often than not it transforms into this ‘cool kids table’ that looks down on people who aren’t there. It’s not the case for everyone, of course. But the sentiment is always there. The reality is, I don’t think it’s that deep. We ‘just’ join, make student events, and run things for our [experience/resume/CV/fill in blank]. Both the culture and the sentiment make us come off as overly proud, pretentious, and exclusive sometimes most of the time. Not to mention the rancid political roleplaying. Are we really the cool kids when we’re on each other's necks all of the time?

I used to think I wasn’t naive, I myself as a student in association felt that way towards higher associations in university. I thought we felt different from those; because those people run a culture of rancid politics. It always felt icky and weird to me, to take associations so seriously, like, bro, we are all fighting for our lives (GPA and empty pockets) here. Why are you scapegoating your wakil kepala koordinator for the Big Chair of… VICE HEAD FACULTY STUDENT ASSOCIATION… That’s crazy… Go back to class. The lecturer wants the paper due by Tuesday, submitted through a flash disk. No, an organization meeting ‘til 2 AM isn’t an exception to tardiness. I’m not trying to downplay how deep and important it is to a lot of people (I mean I am, but I’ve been on the other end too), but in the grand scheme of things, is it really that deep?

Anyway, I think there’s no use in understating campus orgs/assoc/whatever ‘cause it really does help you in the long run. It’s just silly to me when you take it as serious and are willing to fuck up your relationships, friendships, social life, studies, etc etc etc for status that doesn’t last even 3 semesters. So when I saw that happening in front of me, to people I trust and held dearly… Well it certainly yucked my yum! I thought we were just having fun here? Why are you choosing to supervise an assoc meeting over driving me to the hospital (yes this happened)? Why are you treating me differently because of the faculty I come from? Why are you overlooking my worries of deteriorating friendships over (non-existent, barely formal) professionalism? Quickly.

All those paragraphs are just glossing over what had happened in my 4 semesters of college, if I trauma dumped all of my hurt, I’d actually feel crazy (‘cause it isn't supposed to be that deep, right?)!!! So yeah, I wrote ‘rot’. I even sent it to an art exhibition held by my assoc! Balas dengan karya and all that, I guess.

And then I kept writing. And writing. And then more. Because I felt like I couldn’t air out my grievances in a way that didn’t feel childish or insane. I mean, I see these orgs/assoc/committee work just as that. As campus level work. So why am I all worked up?

I feel like there should be a study on this– Keterlibatan Mahasiswa pada Organisasi dan Kepanitiaan terhadap Emotional Turnmoil Mereka di Masa Muda. Keterkaitan Romanitasi Masa Muda dalam Mengikuti Program Kerja Kemahasiswaan. Or something idk i got a C on Qualitative Research and a B on my Seminar.

Then one day, on a random ass afternoon on the 17th of May, the idea struck while looking at a no smoking sign.

Looking back on my notes app, there were so much writings dated since June 2023 about my college life. Contrary to the title, the main focus isn’t about ingesting smokes on campus sites, lol. It’s about highlighting what we constantly gloss over; the stress and the hurt we feel but don’t air out. And though I just went on a 500~ word tangent about the inability to remove emotional baggage and campus level “”work””, you get fucked over soooo manyyyy thinggsss at this age. Romantically, platonically, or even just from yourself. As someone who is in college away from their hometown, this era of life is where you really discover yourself in ways so different from your child-to-teen days. You meet significant others, you make new friends, you question your identity. You question your worth. You question your skills. You question your morals and intellection. Luckily (I think) for me as a writer, this is the golden age for churning out good shit (this is a healthy coping mechanism right???)!!!

But after sitting on this idea for two weeks or so and reading all my previous writing to piece this zine together, it felt incomplete. It didn’t have that oomph! that I wanted. So I reached out to two of my fellow thought children I knew, Yahu and Anca.

And thus a star is born.

the process

In true Bethari fashion, zine-work is me connecting the dots through my old work and scrapbooking them together. So I asked Yahu and Anca, you guys got mental turmoil writings about your crazy experiences so far in college?? They said BET.

We compiled our writings; about bad habits, love life, rotting, and academic struggles. We’ll do a little few-sentence reviews on our little tracklist here:

Speaking in Tongues. Yahu

Have you ever felt like a god? I talk with my own language sometimes, not everyone gets it. To be honest, being a god is hard; everyone blames you for not speaking their language 

Grocery List. Anca

Being one of those people who doesn’t know what to do with their hands, I tend to have a cigarette just to remind myself that the stench is disgustingly strong, yet addictive. I know it will kill you and I should live healthier. It’s also not that serious, honestly (I think). Oh, I think that I might be addicted to thinking about everything! That shit will kill you too!

2023 FIRST LOG. Yahu

Now, let’s talk about being dropped off at the train station by your ex-boyfriend. On the first day of 2023.

Internal Surgery. Anca

Opening up is a hard thing to do, I would prefer if they cut me open and let me bleed out of my feelings. I find fear in being vulnerable. But sometimes I do have to remind myself that having complicated emotions is not something to be afraid of. Maybe I just need to test the theory and bleed out, who knows? 

But as a true realist, I know that someday I will accept that it’s okay to be the problem, I’ll grow up soon.

Dilarang Minum di Jam Malam! Yahu

Alcohol is one hell of something. It makes you question the blurred and numbed down nights you have gone through, every single possibility that might happen in the future. All while being dazed and disappointed at yourself.

The Universe Will Make It Right, Whatever ‘Right’ Means. Bethari

A trilogy of writings stemmed from being fucked over but also realizing that I have failed. That I as well, fucked over something I held so dearly and tried my best to hold together with gum and spit. But it fell apart anyway, and my hands weren’t free from the blood. It’s born from my internal turnmoil over campus work, which is what I highlighted in this 1000~ word ramble. This started with the draft Rot. The free zine version shows the last chapter, Jupiter and Death of An Artist.

Letter of Statement from a Fucking Burnout. Bethari

I steered myself from the preferred course of everyone around me and hit a dead end. I tried and signed up for an overseas studies program and didn’t make the cut from the essay stage. This is a revised version of that overly-polished essay.

ALIENATION OF BEING THE ONLY ONE AWAKE AT NIGHT. Yahu

No gun control in the USA can make an exchange student go insane. One night of a messed up bad mood induced terror can make you imagine taking a bullet into your head. Insomnia and no place to sleep are the perfect add-ons to this perfectly ruined night. Talk about being an Indo student, in the USA.

Titip Notulensi. Bethari.

A committee was so stressful (understatement) that I genuinely started to think: if I die now, would the head of the committee come to my funeral? (Un)surprisingly, a lot of people relate to this.

the push

Due to business, being in the middle of the semester and all, the zine had a slow process, even though at this point it was just layouting and seeing if other writings can make the cut. But to be honest, I didn’t have much creative juice in me (the designer) to start really designing and layouting the way I wanted it to look. Every time I start, I Knew I wouldn’t like the finished visual draft. There being no push or deadline to actually finish didn’t help at all.

But then, an announcement passed on my TikTok FYP. A photographer in Jogja, Ojak, was on a process of holding a singular art installation/exhibition and opened a submission for zines to be put there. Yahu sent it to me, and we three agreed to print a physical copy to send there. We hopped on Discord and started to yap.

Reality hit, there’s no fucking way I’m gonna design all checks notes 20-ish pages in the span of one night. Okay, how about a simplified version? A silly little teaser?

We came to an agreement at the beginning that we would release this zine physically, doing a pre-order thing and then sending it out to people, maybe print a few extra copies to sell. But that takes time. Months. But we were faced with this opportunity to put it out there Fast and Now, and we couldn’t resist. So we arranged a version of the zine without some of the writings (the juicy ones if I say so myself), and I made a simple design that I could be satisfied with.

The teaser title, Dilarang Merokok di Kawasan Kampus (Surat Peringatan I) came abruptly and we agreed to it. There is a little story to this, but I don’t think I’ll get into it, tee hee (for non-Indo speakers, Surat Peringatan I means The First Warning Letter/Memorandum).

what’s coming?

Now, the actual, full zine, Dilarang Merokok di Kawasan Kampus, is still under construction. Expect a full wacky, fun, loud, funky layout/design on… get ready… ACTUAL PHYSICAL PAPER!!! We will be announcing a Pre-Order when the time comes, and we really hope you’ll support us in this artistic debut! Please wish us luck on this fun journey <3 and pray for my creative juice to zest the hell outta this zine. :p