The University Observer Freshers' Magazine - Volume XXV

THE UNIVERSITY

OBSERVER

The Freshers’ Magazine Volume XXV - 3rd September 2018 - universityobserver.ie

Letters, corrections, and clarifications pertaining to articles published in this newspaper and online are welcomed and encouraged.

Letters should be addressed to: The Editor, University Observer, UCD Student Center, Belfield, Dublin 4 Correspondance may also be sent to editor@universityobserver.ie

CONTRIBUTORS Brian Donnelly Dylan O’Neill Fiachra Johnston Claudia Dalby Adam Lawler Heather Reynolds Colman Stanley Rory Clarke Tara Hanneffy Clara Bannigan Alex Fagan Freya Williams

Letter From The Editor

Contents Letters from the Editor News Entertainment Politics Centre Feature UO Investigates Columns Music Philosophy & Religion Sport Talleyrand & Soapbox Letters to the Editor Who Wore It Better?

3 4 6 8 10 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19

To all incoming Freshers - welcome to University College Dublin. More importantly, welcome to the University Observer. For better or for worse, you’ve found yourself wandering the blistering and endless expanse that is the UCD campus.

As a first year, you and your fat stack of €2 coins are prized commodities. At every turn, you’ll have interested groups vying for your attention: the Students’ Union, societies and clubs, love interests and - god forbid - assignments.

You will neglect many, if not all of them, and possibly regret a few (probably the Union and 3am shifting in Coppers). But it all happens, and it happens fast. To help you cut through the noise, we are here. The University Observer and its sister magazine, Otwo, are your tickets to the heart of student life - and not just in UCD. From the Observer’s stream of up-to-date news, analysis and sport, to Otwo’s fierce interviews with the hottest musicians, writers and entertainers - whatever your interest, we have your student life covered.

First published on 7th October 1994, we are celebrating our 25th Volume this year. We’ve been the independent voice of third level students since we printed our first edition, holding UCD Students’ Union, UCD Management and higher education policy-makers to account.

This year, we‘ll be bringing you nothing less than the best student journalism - and you can be a part of it.

Normally, by the time you reach 25, you’ve been hemorrhaging friends left, right and centre for years.

Fortunately, the UO has had a healthy wallet and nearconstant stream of impressionable young folk to whom we recklessly encourage an early career in the sadomasochistic art form known as journalism - between the Observer and Otwo, we have something for everybody.

As myself, Dylan and Fiachra are sitting in our ivory tower adjoining the Clubhouse Bar smoking area, lampooning well-meaning Union hacks with snarkish wit, the age-old adage, ‘all good things must come to an end’ pops to mind. As we set up shop for the year, it’s evident that, however certain its end, this is the beginning of a very good thing. From the University Observer team, we hope you enjoy your time with us.

Welcome to our Freshers’ Magazine.

Brían Donnelly Editor, Vol. XXV The University Observer

NEWS

THREAT OF IMPEACHMENT “EVER-PRESENT” SAY UNION STAFF Mary Moribund A growing number of UCD students are threatening to formally institute impeachment proceedings unless members of the UCDSU Executive agree to fulfill a list of demands which includes completing their assignments and asking “heartthrob” Tom Monaghan if he’s free for a drink sometime soon.

Speaking to the University Observer, UCDSU President Barry Murphy said, “I’ve had students barging into my office making the most absurd requests ever and threatening to impeach me if I don’t let them away with it.”

“I’m reluctant to let go of the ‘cool guy’ persona I’ve cultivated for myself over the last year or so and I really don’t want to lose this job - I honestly have no choice but to let them smoke gange in my office.”

Having seen the turmoil which engulfed the Union during last year’s impeachment campaign, UCD students, drunk on power and hooch, have taken every chance to extort concessions from their sabbatical officers.

This week, first year Geography and History student Will Fitzpatrick from Dungarvan, Co Waterford, called on Welfare Officer Melissa Plunkett to purchase five slabs of Heineken and a bottle of whiskey for a party at his student accommodation in Stillorgan. “If she shows up with Outcider, I’ll kick off”, Fitzpatrick said, adding that he had forgotten to tell her to buy menthol cigarettes which he smokes “because the lads slag me for using a vape.”

One senior UCDSU Education Officer, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated that the situation has become so bad that he is now “€50k in the hole”, having committed to funding a year’s rent for a group of English & Film students.

“I really can’t afford that, but I figured - I’m pretty good at forging documents, so I took a stab at Barry’s signature and took out a mortgage on a plot of land in Carlow. Obviously that required a deposit first, so I used money from the student welfare fund.”

Asked why he chose not to direct the students themselves to the student welfare fund in the first place, and avoid implicating Murphy, Mr Crosby (still speaking on condition of anonymity) stared vacantly at this reporter for a moment before stating “is that thing recording?”.

The University Observer attempted to contact UCDSU’s Press Officer to follow up but accidentally phoned Graduate Officer Niall Torris. Unfortunately, Torris was all too eager to comment on the situation and was promptly placed on hold while the editorial team went for mimosas. Torris was still speaking when the team returned two and a half hours later.

Last year, UCDSU faced an existential and constitutional crisis as former-trampoliner-turned-formerPresident Katie Ascough was officially ‘unfriended’ by UCDSU. Speaking to this paper, Blathnaid Bungle, associate professor of Student Politics at the University of Cambridge pointed out that Ascough, who failed the Turing test, “could not be seen to be trusted, especially as the leader of an already untrustworthy Union.”

Ascough’s impeachment was filmed before a live studio audience and became the world’s most watched political event happening in UCD on 27th October 2017 between 7pm and 12.45am. Bungle also noted that Ascough technically remains President of the Union as Article 15.1 of the UCDSU Constitution provides that “an impeachment is only completed once the relevant Union Officer has been rolled off Belfield campus wrapped in a gravy soaked UCDSU flag.” This ritual was first performed on Billy McManus, Ents Officer for the year 1982 - 83, who was famously impeached for being ‘shit craic’.

NEWS

SMALL SOCIETIES TO MAKE BIG SPLASH ON FRESHERS’ WEEK Testing-out a new form of news reporting, “future reporting”, Dylan O’Neill tells us all about the Freshers’ Week ahead.

IN a surprising turn of events that have yet to unfold, smaller societies will have attracted thousands of new students to join them during Freshers’ Week.

UCD Societies Officer, Richard Butler, will say that “while I’m no doubt thrilled that these societies have been given the recognition they deserve, I am concerned that some might get notions and ask for bigger stands next Freshers’ Week. We only have so much Quad.”

A spokesperson from the Science Fiction and Fantasy society will have spoken to the University Observer by the end of Freshers’ Week to emphasise her joy over the hundreds of students who joined in the first hours of the week.

“I really thought it was touch and go when we suggested the idea of the committee wearing uniforms from The Handmaid’s Tale in the tent. However, people really seemed to respond to it and flocked over to our stand to sign up. I think it was a big help. Our weekly cinema screenings and library of television series and novels in the office that members can sign out helped too.”

“We did seem to attract a large number of male skinheads though, which is strange.”

Not every committee will share in the enthusiasm from the shifting of popularity soon to come to pass.

The Musical Society will be seen to be dancing around their stand with only half the peppy attitude of a Broadway ensemble. It will appear that their usual repertoire of ‘kick, ball changing’ to the deafening loud classical show tune hits did not curry favour with this years’ gang of freshers. By the end of the week their spirits will have plateaued to that of the level of Dramsoc after closing night on the Shakespearean play. Here’s hoping they can gather enough sign-ups to attend their weekly choir, Vocal Group.

Faculty societies will this week be surprised to discover that they will also see an increase in membership in a fortnight’s time. The Pharmacology & Toxicology Society, appropriately named PharmTox UCD, will reflect on two weeks from now in three weeks time and identify a renewed interest among students in learning and discussing developments in gene editing and drug research. Their end of year Midsummer Science Soirée will be credited by one student as the reason he joined: “yeah, it was really the missus that’ll encourage me to spend my €2 on PharmTox. She’s looking to go into research after she graduates and I thought their careers fair would help me get there too, yanno?”

Not every society is to be a winner two weeks from now, however, as the Philosophy Society had potential new members asking “why bother?” A source close to the committee will tell the University Observer, “it’s simple utilitarianism. Not all the smaller societies can benefit from this influx of membership. Philosophy soc suffered so others can benefit. I think the guest speakers we have for the year will make up for the Freshers’ Week lull.”

Belfield FM and UCDTV will both see a loss in new membership, as perhaps the biggest surprise of the week, with freshers proving that print media isn’t dead by signing up to the University Observer. “I think that by joining I’ll gain a better understanding of what goes into the production of a newspaper and magazine. Also the fact that it was free to sign up, played a major factor in my decision,” said one fresher, who had waited for the tent to open, just to join. “For me, it was because The Devil Wears Prada is one of my all time favourite films and I really wanted to live out that fantasy.”

Societies’ corridor hangaround, James Alkayed BA might say “it’s great to see so many people getting involved in societies that are often less appreciated. I would feel bad for the bigger societies like Law Soc and the L&H, but then again, they make my life a nightmare.”

‘Build-a-Home’ Module Introduced to Combat Accommodation Crisis Claudia Dalby

5 credit module is to be introduced this September as part of the Architecture, Planning & Environmental Policy programme which will teach the theoretical and practical aspects of building housing structures. The module was developed so students could provide a “more long term solution” themselves to the Dublin housing crisis, which has left hundreds of students without options for affordable accommodation in the areas surrounding UCD. Owen Morphling will be spearheading the project that will accept a total of 36 students in its flagship semester.

He spoke to the University Observer about the origins and inspirations for the project: “To be honest, we were stumped with how to deal with it in the boardroom. I left a bit frustrated to go to the Build-a-Bear Workshop with my daughter, mentioning it briefly to the board as I left.” Owen saw this as “the perfect solution for the problem”, saying, “[we] think it shouldn’t be too hard for students to be creative enough to whip up a house with the same passion as they have for cuddly teddy bears.”

The workshop will introduce more primitive methods of house-building, using materials native to and abundantly found in the Irish landscape such as mud, wood and plants. The module will gradually develop towards slightly more refined methods using tools and brick, and will even include an introductory workshop into roof-thatching.

Not all students are having trouble and a lucky few have found a place to stay. “My parents just live up the road in Blackrock, like, but in first year it didn’t really feel like I was getting the full student experience without flying the nest, so to speak,” said Ultan Delahunty, a second year Actuarial & Financial Studies student. “The lads and I found a three bed house in Clonskeagh, but we were thinking, will we even need the washing machine? So we decided to use the utility for a lad in C&E who was kicked out of his digs for passing out in the playroom. I definitely won’t be using the oven anyway, nothing beats my mum’s dinners and, like, she’s only up the road.”

The Students’ Union has come under criticism for permitting landlords to advertise their rooms on its accommodation Facebook page without first criticising the high price. The University Observer approached UCDSU President Barry Murphy for comment before he settled in for the night in his office.

“The way I see it, if we don’t relentlessly encourage the high prices, landlords will think that no one is looking for the rooms and take the ads down,” said Murphy, sweaty as he pumped air into the blow-up mattress wedged between his desk and the wall.

ENTERTAINMENT said, eager to hold the crew together. Fans of the couple were happy to see O’Connor give him another chance when he vowed to “take away the kids’ computers” across campus “straight away.” True to his word, Deeks immediately ordered the removal of stand up and surf (SUAS) computers which were gone by mid-July, proving to O’Connor that he was just as ruthless a man as she had hoped. Twitter users reacted with glee to the make-up, with one user stating that they had won a “€60 bet that [Deeks and O’Connor] would make it through. Love always triumphs!”

Keen to solidify the foundations of their relationship, Deeks then signed the pair up for couples’ therapy with Dr Graham Love, a counsellor and love guru at the HEA, who acted as a go-between when things got difficult. According to a friend of the couple, Dr Love soon had to resign as their therapist when the relationship between Minister O’Connor and President Deeks become too intense and they turned their backs on his wise counsel.

STAR-CROSSED LOVERS: DEEKS & O’CONNOR CONFIRM SPLIT Tenpenny Tim FANS of the hit reality TV show ‘The Only Way is Extortion’ have expressed their shock and sadness at the sudden split of UCD President Andrew Deeks and Minister of State for Higher Education Mary Mitchell O’Connor.

The couple confirmed the split early on Tuesday, with Deeks posting on Instagram that although it was a difficult end to their relationship, he would “always remember the good times” and that he wished Mary “the best of luck in the future”. Deeks went on to say that it would be a while before he would start “searching for a new shrimp to put on the barbie”.

Reacting to suggestions that the relationship had always been a made-for-TV sham, O’Connor told this reporter that “many very genuine scenes didn’t make the final cut in TOWIE... lots of men in the past have told me that they wanted to saddle students with debt for the rest of their lives”.

“He was the first one I truly believed.

When I saw how ludicrously expensive it was to live in and around UCD I fell for him straight away.”

Viewers will remember the first time the couple appeared on screen together, and the fateful moment when they were asked how they would work to end the accommodation crisis experienced by students.

“Increase the rent for on-campus accommodation and divert €48m to fund a massive fuck-off entrance precinct that looks like Optimus Prime” they said in unison.

Sparks flew, audiences were hooked, and the rest is history.

Trouble began brewing early on for the couple as UCD Students’ Union, ever a thorn in the side of policy and decision-makers, forced university management to reduce resit fees by a whopping €50 in 2018. O’Connor, beginning to doubt Deeks’ commitment to crushing the spirits of students, found solace in her Fine Gael companion and conservative sweetheart, Minister for Housing Eoghan Murphy TD.

In a heart-wrenching moment of television gold, Murphy reminded her that Deeks had been the one to start charging €50 for a parking permit in 2015/2016. “Look, Mary, he’s made a mistake, but he’s only human. He’s loyal to the cause - you can’t throw that away so easily” Murphy

WINGIN’ IT IN UCD GOES THROUGH MAKEOVER MONTAGE Dylan O’Neill BY the laws of 80s nostalgia films, any character that undergoes a makeover is instantly more desirable.

Using this logic, UCDSU have decided to give their Freshers’ Handbook, Winging It In UCD, the same treatment. The decision was undoubtedly made to stay relevant and repair the damaged reputation suffered from the antics of last year’s sabbatical team.

Such antics include the renting of a giant rodeo penis.

“With two of the sabbats staying on for another term, we asked ourselves, how can we appear to have changed without really making an effort to appear up-to-date with this new batch?” replied a representative from the UCDSU press office. “So we all just threw suggestions at the wall and to see what stuck.”

Unlike the popular film troupe, this isn’t just a superficial face lift for the Union to parade around during Orientation and Freshers’ Week. It’s also selfaware and knows how to poke fun of itself. “The Fiasco”, pages 10-11, recounts the knee-slapping hilarity of last year’s impeachment, from the union’s perspective. When approached by the University Observer, about the wording and how it frames others in the scenario, President Barry Murphy was unable to comment, due to a suspiciously late calving season in Carlow. Must be something in the water, right?

ENTERTAINMENT

GAME REVIEW: READ DEAD REDEMPTION 3: WILD WESHT EDITION xX420GamerGuyXx

FROM the opening scene of our hero riding into the small frontier town of Ballina, to the brief moments of serenity as you ride through the deserted lands of Mayo County, to the final confrontation on a rain slicked GAA pitch, Rockstar Games’ Open World Weshtern RPG provides a unique experience to both those looking for something different from the cowboy genre and those new to it. A thrilling feast for the senses that will delight Jackeens and Culchies alike, Red Dead Redemption 3 is at the apex of gaming.

Our hero, heroic gunslinger Tom “Cece” Maynard, is an idealist: campaigning for a free Wesht, and communicating with rebel cells on the frontier to fight against the SU (or “Separatist Union”), a band of former confederates who have taken over the county in a last bid for power. Confederate soldiers aren’t the only threat to Maynard’s way of life - he must also deal with the trials and tribulations of being one of the last gunslingers in a slowly modernising world, while coming to terms with having to evolve with it. Probably getting a job at the new hotel that the local music venue was demolished to make room for.

Gameplay wise, you’ll find yourself riding across a wide and varied landscape: grassy peatland, grassy farmland, and even the rare hill or two.

Of course, you can always fast travel to get to important locations quickly (though only one or two of them, this isn’t Red Dublin

Redemption), for the cheap price of a €35 stagecoach that takes 3 hours to get anywhere and, in some cases, never arrives at all.

If you need a distraction from the main quest-line, there are some fun mini-games to pass the time such as: cutting turf, sailing the coastal areas, and having to listen to some auld lad outside Henehans at 3am go on about how he “doesn’t hate travellers/ gays/foreigners, but they should keep to themselves” while you wait for a taxi.

Visually and audibly, like a student newspaper sending out information requests to college officials, RDR3 is in your face non-stop.

The cracks of gunfire; the whinny of horses; the sounds of those two fellas who’ve hooked up an illegal exhaust to the back of their mam’s Subaru; all of it lends itself to an immersive experience. Indeed, Rockstar continues to stay faithful to the locale in keeping with its simple palette of grass green and backalley grey. The landscape may only contain various shades of these two colours, but they are done superbly, all rendered in 4K HDR, so you can almost picture yourself riding through these fields, wondering if hell would be more entertaining than living in a town with 300 people in it.

Of course, RDR3’s “Wild Wesht” Collector’s Edition comes with some extra goodies for those looking for more content, and includes a statue of Éamonn Ceannt, a full game soundtrack composed by Johnny Logan, and

a code to unlock the other members of Maynard’s gang in multiplayer: Butch Crosby, Calamity Plunkett, Barry the Kid, and Niall Torris.

Read Dead 3 is an endearing entry into the genre, and its “riveting” story and characters leave us wanting more. Though we may not see another release from Rockstar for some time while they focus on beating the dead horse that is microtransactions until it stops spitting out pennies new story missions for RDR3, be prepared for an announcement soon for their next project, the 60’s gang thriller “Wesht Side Story”. For now, enjoy one of the most “diamond in the rough” titles to come out this year.

4/10

“The landscape may only contain various shades of these two colours, but they are done superbly”

POLITICS

MEET YOUR STUDENTS’ UNION They’re your support system away from home with a sunny disposition, but who are the sabbatical officers, really?

Barry Murphy - President

Thomas Monaghan - Campaigns & Communications Officer

Having risen to power, UCDSU President, Barry Murphy, credits his two-term (well, term and a half) presidency to his ability to seize the opportunity in a situation and ensure the paper shredder always has batteries. Reprising his role as Glorious Leader of the Democratic People’s’ Republic of UCDSU (no, you may not leave), Murphy enters this year with valuable experience of replying to the hard questions… months after they’ve been asked. A skill he no doubt learned from his predecessor, proving that white men can only fail up.

Preferring the company of cattle to students, Murphy will likely be spending his time on board meetings just waiting to go home to his true loves.

Looking forward, Murphy is the CEO and face of the Union, and he just wants to keep his head down and avoid ending up in the papers. He plans to do this by gently advising journalists of other, more positive sounding article ideas, that they might want to pursue, instead of the tedious and boring SU affairs.

The proverbial fish out of water on the sabbatical team, Thomas Monaghan is a Mayo-man first and a Campaigns and Communications officer second. A veteran of the Ents crew and dear friend of local celebrity, Tim Mayo, Monaghan wants to use the role as a stepping stone for his ultimate goal: launching a campaign that gets the Sam Maguire back to Mayo. “I know it’ll be a tough sell for this Dublin lot, but I think we can pull through.”

Armed with an extensive library of anecdotes to deflect any doubts or worries over his understanding of the role, Monaghan will be spending the first half of the semester shaking hands and engaging in conversations with freshers. A move to quell the rising tide of questions over the point of the only recently reinstated C&C role, given that it remained vacant for a significant portion of last year.

Melissa Plunkett - Welfare Officer

Stephen Crosby - Education Officer

Now that she’s been elected as Welfare officer, Plunkett’s days of having sex between the hours of 9am and 5pm are over. But that doesn’t mean that she won’t provide whatever you folks need: some snacks, a condom. Let her know. Plunkett drew inspiration from other female politicians, such as Hillary Clinton, in this boy’s club of a sabbatical team. Her campaign appealed to young voters’ interest in the counselling services in UCD and proved popular when it came to polling days.

Using her past experience as Mature Students Coordinator and a third year student of midwifery, Plunkett will spend the semester “delivering” on her manifesto promises of providing students with what they’re really after: the information surrounding pleasure and the basics of sex. The most relatable of all the sabbatical officers, Plunkett has captured the trust of UCD students by just being up for a protest if you are.

As the new Education officer, Stephen Crosby has some very big shoes to keep the momentum of reducing repeat and resit fees going. Sources close to Stephen have revealed that he intends to lobby UCD until they pay you to repeat exams in the RDS, casting a shadow over the fee reduction Robert Sweeney secured last year.

With a heart of gold and idealistic outlook on life, Crosby claimed the role with his promise of alternative careers fairs and supporting students on placement. He is here to pick you up when you’re falling behind in modules “coz gosh darn it, those UCD fat cats don’t care about the students.”

If all goes to plan for Crosby, expect a “bring your pet to work day” mandate brought up through council in the opening weeks of the semester.

POLITICS Niall Torris - Graduate Officer Niall Torris has cemented his career in student politics, with his recent victory over what was a nail-biting race for Graduate Officer against literally nobody else. A seasoned politician, Torris re-enters the role with the experience of not only a year as Graduate officer but also former-President of Carlow IT Students’ Union. This time around, Torris will be sure to exploit loopholes in the constitution, furthering his legacy by “establishing the Torris dynasty for generations to come.”

With a large proportion of his work devoted to casework, Torris is an advocate of the social aspect of university life. He encourages undergraduate students to throw caution to the wind and to get involved in as many societies and sports clubs as possible, thereby decreasing the likelihood of you ever making it to a postgraduate degree and decreasing his overall workload.

MEET THE STAFF OF THE UNIVERSITY OBSERVER Brían Donnelly - Editor By day, Brían Donnelly is just your average, mild-mannered writer; by night, he’s your average deadline-fearing, sleep deprived caffeine addict. When he’s not skulking around the corridors using the office as his own personal wardrobe, he’s skulking around the student centre, using the gym as his own personal closet space. Ask him about news on Higher Education, and watch him kill it; it being you, as the next three hours of discussion both figuratively and literally bore to death.

A prize-winning journalist, Brían received the European Commission Award at the 2018 Student Media Awards, bestowing him with the honour of being the only person of the night to win something less interesting than himself. Regardless Brían seeks to make the 25th volume of the Observer its best, even if it kills him. Given the amount of sleep he gets during production weekends, this may be sooner, rather than later.

Fiachra Johnston - Art & Design Editor

Dylan O’Neill - Deputy Editor

Fiachra is our Art and Design Editor this year, having taken a step back from the fast-paced and bleak world of news reporting in Volume XXIV to focus on his true passion of pretty pictures and the next InDesign update,

Lovingly referred to as the “ghost in the machine” for his contributions to the newspaper and not because of his complexion, Fiachra has always been there to lend a helping hand and be a team player. Just ask him about the time he heroically stepped in fulfil the role of Dr. Frank-n-Furter for Filmsoc’s Halloween screening, when the lead mysteriously fell down a flight of stairs.

Always the optimist, Fiachra looks forward to the year ahead, and is currently petitioning the powers that be to enforce a mandatory uniform of striking plaid trousers and green leather jackets.

Dylan O’Neill is the Deputy Editor of the University Observer, and is similar to an Android phone: he is constantly demanding you update him with the latest content and can only function for approximately three hours before he needs to sleep or have a coffee.

Unlike most people, Dylan is from Co. Mayo, yet does not care much for #Mayo4Sam. He has left the Republic of Ireland only twice: once, immediately following the death of American singer Whitney Houston and again two days before the assassination of Kim Jong-nam, the half-brother of North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un. On both occasions he claims that he went to see the musical, Kinky Boots.

Dylan’s dream job is to return to a life on the dole.

It’ll come true sooner than you think if you don’t get back to work, Dylan.

CENTRE FEATURE Choose Your Own Night Out Dublin can be a scary place if it’s your first time in “the big shmoke”, but fear no more, because Charlotte Mansings has a guide for you to live your best night out.

How “out” do you want to go out tonight?

Out

Are you from Are you from Dublin?

Out Out Out Out

Was there an AllIs there an AllIreland Match?

Ireland?

Dublin?

Yes Yes Yes

Yes

No

No

Workmans Workmans -- Whether Whether it’s it's karaoke karaoke on on aa Sunday, Sunday, aa mid-week mid-week sesh sesh or or you’re you're on on the the search some artists to add search for for some newnew artists to add to you to you spotify playlists, Workmans has spotify playlists, Workmans has something something for everybody.

Free-in for everybody.

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Whentoin most. in doubt, a dedoubt,When Workmans is aWorkmans decent startisfor a cent startcrowd for a varying crowd students varying of students on aofnight out. on a night out.

Copperface Jacks - If you fancy the bragging rights of saying you went on a night out in Dublin, but still look for the same group of people you’d meet in the local pub, Copperface Jacks (or more commonly referred to as “Coppers”) is the place to be. €10 to get in and housing uncomfortable levels of patrons might put you off, but it’s your one night out...for this week. You’ll easily find people from home at Coppers, as every night is county colours night. Revel in your win or share a drink to commiserate your loss that day in Croke Park. Basically, if you think Despacito is a bop, you’ve found your tribe at Coppers.

CENTRE FEATURE I dunno,not I’m really not really feeling it I dunno, in the mood?

Are you single?

Are you single?

,,,yes ...yes?

no,sadly.

Sadly, no

Netflix and Binge - You just want the simple things

in life: a 2:1 degree, a glass of wine with dinner, and someone to cuddle up to during a rom-com starring Meg Ryan or Jennifer Aniston. Unfortunately, life isn’t a rom-com and we don’t always meet our Mr Big or our GPA requirements for a 2:1. Your evening of social isolation will most likely be accompanied with your friends Ben and Jerry, watching re-runs of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend or Queer Eye (whatever floats your boat). If that sounds ideal then Woo-Hoo! Please send all fanmail to the University Observer, UCD Student Centre. If not, down that Tesco wine and start again.

The George – You might be confused by this one.

I know they fly pride flags outside their doors, but really The George is everyone. As decided by the StraightsTM, because god forbid LGBTQ+ people have their own bar. Anyway, rant over.

The George is home to some entertaining drag queens and performers, bingo, and the best playlist of disco and Britney (in my humble opinion).

If you’re smart enough to get there before the crowds, you can get in for free. If not, then you’ll have to queue and enter around the back (oi oi!).

A lot of people are unaware that the building is split between the modern bar with the dance-floor and the old bar, for those of you who just want a quiet drink to remember when gay bars were for gay people. Legend has it that the man that sits by the jukebox, making sure Adele never stops playing, threw the first brick at Stonewall.

UO INVESTIGATES

Spry Scales and Sordid Tales DeepThroat THE truth is out there. The tagline to a popular science fiction series, that several months ago, I would have dismissed as pure folly. However, during my time spent on the UCD campus and investigating the rumours surrounding it, I can confirm that the truth is indeed out there.

The following is a recollection of my discoveries while attending the university as a student. For reasons of personal safety, not only for myself but also for my colleagues and their families, I wish to remain anonymous. But I assure you, once you read what I have unearthed, my credibility will not be called into question.

It all began for me when I was a young, naïve and headstrong fresher (not unlike yourselves), entering into a whole new world of possibilities at university.

Like so many that had gone before me, I was treated to the same campfire stories of the history of the campus.

I thought nothing of it. Until one day, while having coffee with an Erasmus student visiting for a semester, the conversation took a turn that shattered my perception of UCD, like a glass ceiling. “So what’s up with all the lakes?”

Looking back now, I suppose it must have been obvious given an outsider’s perspective. The cold weather; the damp clawed foot prints in the grass; the innumerable lakes around campus. The evidence was all there.

Freshers of UCD: We have a lizard problem!

As with any lead, it is important to research it extensively and know who or what you are up against: Be it a gang, a religious institution or even a President. What the films don’t show you is the seemingly endless supply of bogus conspiracy theorists out there. Like seriously, there are some real nutcases out there, that think the most outlandish ideas are fact.

Determined to blow this conspiracy wide open, I donned my beige trench coat and fedora and set out to unearth what these cold-blooded reptiles were up to. I may not have intended to be a journalist before coming to UCD, but I was damn well going to look the part.

Sneaking into restricted areas and downloading classified emails became part of my daily routine. I’m not proud of what I did, but I felt it was necessary to take the law into my own hands on this one. However, I was not prepared for what was waiting for me at the end of the road down which I was travelling. I originally believed the lizard collective consisted of merely a few members that had broken away from the larger conglomerate of lizard-people who controlled the banks and media, but I was mistaken.

Further investigations led me to the office of UCD’s own President: Andrew Deeks, which for the eagle-eyed

readers among you, is actually an anagram for: Drekan Sewed. President Sewed has had his scaly hands in many a pie here in UCD. He’s been manipulating the student body for generations by creating unnecessary conflict with the only group that could see his nefarious plans derailed: Wellmeaning twenty-something year olds from other universities.

Have you ever asked yourself why UCD is constantly building expensive, new structures instead of investing it into their students’ wellbeing? It’s a cover to acquire the parts necessary to build a massive biosphere, capable of converting our modern day landscape into an environment for lizards to thrive in.

If you wish to discuss this further, I’ve left clues of my identity for you to decipher around the campus. Once you know who I am, you’ll know how to find me. Remember: Follow the money.

“YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US”

COLUMNS

Adam Lawler spills the tea on where you sit in UCD and what it says about you.

AS you enter the world of third level education in UCD, you may be expecting an open and inclusive space based on breaking down barriers and dismantling judgements and assumptions which are rooted in narrow archetypes.

Nope. During your time in UCD, where you sit says as much about you as who you hang out with, and the University Observer is committed to preventing your humiliation and eternal excommunication from the most important microcosm of society we get in this simulation we call life. No pressure, gals.

- LECTURE HALLS

Yes, we mean when there aren’t any lectures actually on. Honestly, what attracts people to sit in empty lecture halls in their downtime? Is it the clinical dystopian charm or, if you’re in Newman, the subway station porn set vibe of the design? The delicious smells? Feeling the need to sit in a lecture hall to eat and hang out is basically like sitting in a bathroom cubicle with your tray and cup of jelly, except with less sub-Reddit edgelord bigotry. I mean, yeah we’ll also make you feel unwelcome if you try sit in close proximity to us in open areas, so maybe just drop out.

- INSIDE THE SCIENCE CAFE

Sit in the Pi Café in the O’Brien Centre of Science if you want your conversation to be the Centre of Attention because everyone will be able to hear it. Are you a loud person? Do people often call you a “melt” or some variation thereof? Do you have no spatial awareness to speak of? This place might be perfect for you, and if you decide to hang here please stay there; we don’t want to hear from you until you’ve built a machine capable of harnessing the power of obnoxious laughter.

- OUTSIDE THE SCIENCE CAFE

If you sit here you’re probably a low-key person who loves the quiet, sipping coffee, gentle conversation with friends, and sharing intimate moments in a huge glass cathedral. You’re probably also an arts student with notions who doesn’t want to spend time in the despicable Newman building, but feels a sense of “imposter syndrome” that prevents you from sitting inside the actual café. Oops, did I expose you? Just be grateful we don’t have a university ICE, hun.

- THE CLUBHOUSE (BEFORE 4PM)

If you subject yourself to sitting in this awfully-designed bar before you absolutely must, you’re most likely a Guinness-swilling Country Straight, a term we realise is probably an oxymoron but you probably take oxy, moron. Go to class.

-JAMES JOYCE LIBRARY

You’re literally the worst. To sit here you really have to hate yourself and other people; S&M could never. In the library you can’t eat, drink, talk, smoke, charge your phone, use your phone, breathe... we get it, you study a LOT and love oppressive environments. Women in the workforce did it first, you’re not special.

-SOCIETIES CORRIDOR

If you spend your downtime in the societies corridor you obvs wear your society affiliation as a badge of honour. Why wouldn’t you? You probably love all the attention you get and the friends you made with whom you can glare and snigger at people who walk into your office by accident. Friends who will definitely last through the eventual implosion of the committee due to every member treating a professional organisation like a dating app. Just an FYI - the L&H committee, while bigger than most, is not infinite. It’s not RuPaul’s Best Friends Race, and no one knows this more than the society office squatter who hoards society and SU gossip like dirty mugs.

MUSIC

“U C Dese Tunes? Andrew Deek’s Rush-Hour Spotify Playlist” Claudia Dalby Have you ever wondered which dulcet tunes are the first to reach the Australian ears of UCD President Andrew James Cranlamp Deeks? Well, the University Observer needed a fresh makeover of it’s morning playlist (and content too, but that’s another story) so we sat down with the man himself to discuss the bangers he uses to go from sleepsy to Deeks-y in the morning!

Kanye West - Good Morning I try to rise at 7:00, as the wife is off for her pilates at 6:50 and I like to skip the morning pleasantries for a couple extra minutes snoozing. Soon as I’m up, it’s the headphones in and music on! First song is ‘Good Morning’, by Kanye West. I really have a soft spot for him, his philosophy (I can’t wait for his book on ethics), his tweets and well, if I could wake up beside anyone it would be him, so he’s always the first to wish me “good morning”.

The FuZees - Brush Your Teeth I’m usually in a bit of a daze after waking up, so this song reminds me exactly where I need to be. I just like that the lyrics are really descriptive, like the “and don’t forget to floss, you don’t want a cavity on your tooth!” I’m humming away to it, it really gets me in a good mood.

Ella Fitzgerald - Dream a Little Dream of Me No more morning themed songs, don’t worry - after Kanye and the FuZees I’m no longer struggling! Although on my way down the grand staircase I’m kind of still wishing I’m in bed, so this Ella Fitzgerald number perfectly mirrors those sentiments, and I allow

Men at Work - Down Under I’m in full nostalgic mode now - for an old dream, brought by a childhood in the outback, of wide open deserts, scorching heat and venomous scorpions. Of course, when talking about ‘Down Under’, we would all say ‘Australia’, which was the style at the time.

Ariana Grande – Successful The rush of memories are beautiful, and I’m crying - but time to put those tears away. I need to focus on my goals for the day. ‘Successful’ reminds me why I became UCD President; and no one says it better than Grande: “It feels so good to be so young and have this fun and be successful. I’m so successful.” I might have said it better myself, a little less on the nose - but she said it first, and I respect that.

Lana del Ray - White Mustang and Charlie XCX - Porsche Sometimes it’s hard to make decisions in the morning, and I have a hard enough time even picking which car to drive to work! These two women make that choice easier for me, and whichever song I am “feelin’” more that morning, I drive that car. If I can’t choose, I get the bus - just kidding! As if. I just use the DeeksTaxi app.

Skrillex – Bangarang I would only put this on in the privacy of my own car. If I’m honest, I keep a lot to myself, buried deep down, and this music is the only way for me to really identify and come to terms with my flaws. I really let go in these times, roar the lyrics and shake all over, in order to regain a composed, balanced sense of self for the working day ahead.

Britney Spears – Work B**ch Most people would chose the popular Rihanna track ‘Work’ to get into the intense mindset necessary for running such a prestigious international university, but this hit by my idol Brit Brit keeps me grounded and motivated throughout all the board meetings of the day. You wanna live fancy? Live in a big mansion? Party in France? You better work bitch!

PHILOSOPHY & RELIGION

A Girls’ Guide to Staying on Jesus’ Good Side

Feeling those back-to-school blues having to move from the church to equally Catholic classroom? Religious fanatic Heather Reynolds shares her guide of never going anywhere without the Lord in your life

Since the end of Pope Francis’ visit to Ireland, many questions have plagued Irish media. Columnists, activists and pundits alike are flooding news feeds with questions on the Pope’s reaction to abuse survivors, his apparent lack of knowledge of the existence of the Magdalene Laundries (despite having attended a private screening of Philomena), and whether the lack of attendance at the papal mass truly indicates the decline of the Catholic Church in Ireland.

However, none of these questions address the main issue facing young people in the wake of the Pope’s return to, and subsequent departure from, Ireland. That question being: how can young people remain connected to their Catholic faith now that it is no longer trending on Twitter? Well, here are some easy, low cost ways to keep the door open between you and the big man upstairs.

The first cheap and cheerful suggestion, just in time for the new academic year, is to have your favourite priest bless the campus lakes! Any priest can consecrate a body of water, so long as he can see where it begins and ends with the naked eye. Legally, he cannot charge you for it as it goes against his vows of piety and charity. Now you can bless yourself anytime from two easily accessible locations, so long as you are not seen and forced to get a tetanus shot. As an added bonus, it baptises the swans! No more limbo for those beautiful birds who call our campus home.

For those inclined towards a quieter, more academic experience, why not research Pope Joan? She may not have actually existed, due to little evidence confirming her birth, death, or her ascension to papal status, however, her catholic girl power definitely shone through. She gave birth to a whole horse while holding the position of Pope during a papal procession, all in 8th Century Italy! She really did have her worklife balance down to a science. This trick is a two-in-one – it brings you the spiritual fulfilment of knowing your Catholic history, while also giving you insight on an all new feminist

icon!

Following on from that, a low-cost physical event that will bring friends and family together from across the board is the ever popular burning of heretics! It may seem like it’s going out of style, but everyone loves a good bonfire, and this one brings with it the satisfaction of ridding your social circle of sinners and non-believers, like those who profess the existence of Pope Joan. With all the construction work happening on campus, kindling isn’t hard to come across, and with promises every year from incoming Students’ Union officials to lower the price of alcohol on campus, propellent won’t be either! Additionally, the warmth of the flames is guaranteed to keep you warm in the cool winter months that are soon to come. Kumbaya anyone?

However, if self-flagellation is more your style, this next tip will both bring you closer to the big guy himself, and solve that pesky lack of affordable student housing issue.

Live with lions! Channel chapter six of the book Daniel and spend your nights in the lion enclosure at Dublin Zoo. This might be a tricky one to pull off, as security can be strict around the more dangerous animals, but simply remember: if your faith is strong, no harm will come to you.

Now for what is likely the most complex of these tips. Drink tea made from the dried roots of a thorn bush to encourage visions of Jesus himself, who you should then endeavour to seduce. Historically, he has not appeared to the majority of those who have sought him out, and so if you see him, you are extremely lucky. Who knows? Maybe he will present you with a wedding ring made from his foreskin, like St. Catherine of Siena. If luck is incredibly in your favour, he may exchange hearts with you like he did for St. Lutgardis of Aywières! What better connection is there to make with God than a love connection?

Failing all else, there are always the old reliable events on campus to fall back on. If you’re unsure where to go, get in contact with the chaplaincy. They are here to help you, and they are the go-to place for knowledge on any and all faith based events. But sincerely, do consider the fires coming up to Hallowe’en - it gets cold up here.

SPORT

The Fresh Princes (and Princesses) of Sport Colman Stanley

New Year, new me? A phrase chanted more often than “Come on you boys in green!”. A phrase which also extends to the fresh, puerile faces of those hoping to be sports legends. Almost as much as you hope to get the shift in Dicey’s. So here is some of the freshers in sport that have high hopes of making it big.

- Maurizio Sarri

After working his way through the Italian lower leagues, and finding success with Napoli, Maurizio Sarri finally landed the lucrative but not most secure job of Chelsea manager. Problems have arisen from conflict between the Premier League’s smoking ban and Sarri’s habit of smoking like a Victorian chimney. Ever the diplomat, he has resorted to chewing on old cigarette butts to quell those cravings. Reports suggest that Chelsea plan on giving him his own smoking area, which has lead to calls for similar areas to cater to the urgent needs of other top managers; a room with a mirror and tissues for the ‘Special One’ to pleasure himself as only the ‘Special One’ knows how, a sex dungeon for Giggsy, and a space with his own bar and an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet for ‘Big Sam’. * -Jason Smyth

Jason Smyth is the country’s most decorated sprinter and holds the world record in both the 100 and 200 metre events in the T13 classification, a classification dedicated to those who struggle with moderate visual impairment, which apparently hinders his ability to run in a straight line. Having recently added to his medal haul at the IPC European Championships in Berlin, winning gold in both the 100 and 200-meter events, management have finally decided that his potential is worth investing in, and have bought him Strap-on Training Wheels for Big Boys.™

- Joe Tomane

omane has recently signed for Leinster Rugby after a successful spell in Montpellier. The big Australian has 17 caps and 5 tries for his country, and comes with a big reputation. Those of you not up to date with Leinster’s current roster may know him from the Disney Animation film Moana where he played the character Maui, while his voice was dubbed over by Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson.

- Declan Rice

Arguably the country’s most promising young footballer, Rice has been capped through the age grades and in friendlies by manager Martin O’Neill. However, it has recently emerged that Rice is strongly considering declaring for his homeland of England. In a way Rice’s international career mirrors the entire history of Britain in these lands: to leech off our resources only to shove it back in our faces.

- Rhys McClenaghan

Rhys McClenaghan recently added European Championship gold in Glasgow to the gold that he won at the Commonwealth Games earlier in the year.

This is not in fact satire, Ireland actually has a gymnast who is possibly the best in the world at the pommel horse. And he is only 19 years old (again, this is not satire).

- Joy Neville

What else can be said about this history making rugby referee that already hasn’t been said? Her list of records and ‘first evers’ seems to be endless. The crowning achievement in her career so far was becoming the first woman ever to officiate in a top-level game in the United Kingdom when she took charge of Ulster and the Southern Kings in last season’s Pro 14. More top-level female referees are of course a good thing, although there are a few players who took up rugby to get away from a berating woman.

SOAPBOX - HERE WE GO AGAIN: BACK TO COLLEGE REGISTRATION

TALLEYRAND & SOAPBOX

Tara Hanneffy

IT’S that time of year again. As the new academic term rears its head, we dash out to buy shiny new pens that will be lost within two weeks, a diary that will never be used and numerous lunch boxes that won’t see the light of day - or at least I do. I am that person that revels in the bustle of a new year, convincing myself that I’ll be really organised all year long (I won’t) and is generally incredibly enthusiastic about heading back to Dublin after far too much time spent in my small rural hometown.

However, my admirable enthusiasm is squashed by the trickle of emails screaming phrases such as ‘start time’, ‘degree compliance’, and ‘elective’. Registering for a degree in UCD can at times be more stressful than completing the degree itself, because there are numerous stages that one must complete in order to become a fully-fledged college student. There’s a serious amount of head scratching to do and at the end it’s possible that you’ll still be blinking at your computer and wondering if you’ve managed to register at all.

For instance, attempting to get a decent start-time in order to choose your preferred modules can be more difficult than

trying to get an Electric Picnic ticket. The The mere sight of SISWeb is enough to send most people running. If you’re a first time UCD student, it is entirely possible that you will register yourself to the wrong modules, or you’ll end up taking every subject under the sun - there is such a thing as too much choice. You’ll wonder why you’re studying French, Philosophy AND an elective in Irish Folklore when you originally came to UCD to study English and History.

Once I conquer this annual struggle and convince myself that I’m (definitely) taking all the right modules, I start to dread the impending reality that I’m going to have to feed myself for another year. Worse than that, I have to fit all my worldly possessions into a suitcase that isn’t big enough and figure out what I can pinch from home (food, bed clothes and toothpaste are usually top the list).

By the second week of the semester I find myself wondering why I was so eager to get back to all this anyway.

At this stage, my diary is probably still empty, and I’ve already run out of ideas as to what to have for dinner. But you know what? It could be worse. You could be studying in DIT.

TALLEYRAND

GREETINGS, you pimple-ridden infants!

Allow me to introduce myself: I am Talleyrand!

Ethereal commentator on all things SU and perennial judge on all those who claim to wield influence. But you may call me “Your Majesty,” or just “Talley” if you find the former too great a feat for your little mouths.

Well, well, it has been a long summer break, hasn’t it? I have to say, I quite enjoyed the extended period of slumber granted to me, especially as last year’s events kept me labouring away, delivering an interminable deluge of scoffing and scathing criticism to what appeared to be a social gathering of headless chickens, otherwise known as our Students’ Union, playing ‘make believe’.

But who wants to go rehashing the past? Certainly not Talley! No, onwards and upwards this year with notquite-a-fresh-bunch of supposedly serious sabbatical officers to point and laugh at. I’ve never felt more alive than I do when I’m narrowing in on the shortcomings of others.

This year also marks the 25th year of publication for this rag of a paper, the University Observer. A oncegreat and prestigious newspaper that had students dying to be printed on its pages. Talley knows - I had to die just to get a regular column. I do say ‘once-great’, as nowadays it looks like the paper has fallen into the hands of monkeys with typewriters. I mean, who even cares about ‘objective reporting’? People will believe anything you print. Just give the people a villain and they’ll be happy. It worked last year.

Here’s hoping that this year, the so-called ‘editors’ can step down from their ivory tower overlooking the Clubhouse smoking area and let the people know that they’re not a bunch of nit-picking gossip mongers, so you don’t have to resort to leaving abusive remarks on social media.

They have faces too. This seems unlikely, however, as with the recent trend of all-female remakes, the editors will most likely want to avoid drawing attention to the fact that they have gone from an all-female cast to an all-male top three.

This is no doubt a desperate effort for them to appear what the youths are calling ‘woke’. Imbeciles!

Regardless, I’m sure this year will provide the same level of mishaps and all-round catastrophes to keep me entertained as we gradually shuffle to our mortal coil. For now, I take my leave of you to fumble around and make your mistakes in the dark. I, on the other hand, am off to get drunk at Studio 54. That’s right, Talley also feels he was born in the wrong decade.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Dear Sirs,

Dear D4 Whisperers,

I am the world’s biggest Harry Potter fan. I’ve always read the University Observer as it offered great Harry Potter content every month during Vol. XXIV. But I am super offended by the lack of Harry Potter content lately. I mean, I thought this paper was Harry Potter themed? Let’s be real, JK Rowling is the only author people read and as an Editor you should know that. What is the point in reviewing books that people don’t care about?

I refuse to let the Harry Potter fandom take such a drastic hit. So I suggest, as an apology, the introduction of a Harry Potter Fanfiction section. I will be the section editor of this if I must. I’ll do it for the fans.

I think that’s the name of this awful ‘newspaper’. I’ve tried to ignore your slanderous ways in the past, but I really think you need to get your facts straight. Not all of us folk from leafy Dublin 4 believe Ross O’ Carroll Kelly should be the next president, but like it’s not the worst suggestion if I’m being honest.

I read the article on my Macbook Air, where you said that the D4 accent is “unnatural” and that’s why it’s so easy to pick up. Well, actually, to correct you, it’s because that’s how people are meant to speak. These culchies in UCD don’t change their accent purposely, they just realise that’s how they should be the pronouncing their words, like oh my god it’s not that hard!

Yours Sincerely, Rupert Grint.

The Burrow Devon England

Yours, Michael

Blackrock

Dear Sirs,

Dear Sirs,

I am a proud Catholic father of three, writing to you today from Louisiana. Having recently come into contact with your newspaper, I feel deeply saddened over the harsh and frankly slanderous portrayal of those who practise the Catholic faith today. Do you not realise the whole world can access this on the World Wide Web? The things you say about women and equal rights are hard to stomach.

You talk about feminism and equal rights, but what about Meninism?! I thought Katie Ascough was taking the right approach to things.

I am sick and tired with being tarred with the same brush, it’s not all men!

I am unsure how to access your advice column so I am writing to you for help. I am a new exchange student in UCD. I was brought to a ceremony in O’Reilly hall and the strangest thing happened: we had a scarfing ceremony.

It gets stranger, ever since then I have only spotted exchange students wearing them. I am beginning to wonder does the scarf grant us access to an elite club and I was hoping you could tell me where it is? Obviously the scarf is the ticket in and now I’m left with the mystery of where. That’s the only conclusion I can come to as to why exchange students wear their scarves and locals do not. I really hope you can help me because I just know there’s a whole new world I can unlock with this beautiful tricolored scarf.

Your friend in Jesus, Robert [redacted] Catholic Fathers Against Pride New Iberia Louisiana

Kind Regards, Camille N.E.R.D. Enthusiast

WHO WORE IT BETTER?

They may be known for the production level professionalism, but what do you think of the UO’s editorial team serving you a production?

One is a sauve and cool under pressure, the other is Humphrey Bogart. Donning the classic navy (or black) trench coat, popularised after the first world war. Bogart wears it well. Donnelly on the other hand, is worn by it. But the real question: who wore the cigarette better?

Yeats once wrote to “Both beautiful. One, a gazelle” to the describe Eva Gore-Booth and Con Markievicz. Here we can see a modern take on this famous poem: Both plaid, one a lumberjack. While I give O’Neill props for trying to reinvent it into a more casual look, the undeniable winner is Tod. You can’t beat a classic and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

The denim and red is classic staple of many a wardrobe.

Both O’Connor and Johnston bring a lot of character to this look, both coming from a the colour red’s relation to divinity in the church. Both with different experiences with the church. Personally I think Johnston just pulls ahead with the sleeveless denim jacket, worn as a shield to protect the vulnerability within.

Celebrate 25 Years With Us