HER OWN GAZE

words: Bella Tabak | design: Sydney Neidell

She had the perfect process. Wait a little bit since the last time she posted, but not too long. Only, what? Once or twice a month? Mold her into the ideal from someone else’s perspective. What would cause the boys at her school to drool? Would all the other girls finally think she is cool? Snap a few photos and post them on the gram. If they did not meet a certain amount of likes, delete. Then repeat.

While she did not realize it at the time, she was a victim of the male gaze, female gaze, and instant gratification. She needed to be wanted, she needed to be pretty. Her brain would light up as if it were drugged every time her phone buzzed with a notification. She was smiling. She was in a chokehold. Oh, how fun it was to see the numbers rise. Which one of her upperclassmen crushes was double-tapping this time? She could do this all day. Comments flood in with heart eyes and some little lies. Half of these girls would not even talk to her if they saw her in person, but who cares! As long as her persona was perfected online, the girl had some peace of mind.

It’s a full-time job when it comes to holding up a facade. By the end of my junior year of high school, I was drained. The numbers that once held my focus felt shallow and cold. While scrolling through my own feed it clicked. Was I using this app for myself? Was I sharing the girl that I knew? Or was I painting an unfamiliar face?

I was in search of an alternative routine, a new process. How could I post on social media to make ME happy again? Soon enough, an answer trickled into my feed. Emma Chamberlain has been my “It girl,” for what feels like forever. So, when I saw her casually posting her daily life on her Instagram, I was instantly engaged. It seemed so authentic and real. Soon enough, I saw a few girls from my school do the same. They would post their outfit for the day, their lunch, or whatever spot they were picnicking with their friends. Eventually, I joined in. When I started posting more casually, I realized that I started posting things because I liked them, instead of posting for other people to like me. I gained so much more in curating little things in my life that made me happy. The addiction to the like count became nonexistent, along with the craving for validation from others. I had finally revived my love for social media, and my feed continues to ignite my creativity.

Social media should be something that enhances your life, where you can express yourself. A digital diary, if you will. If you are chasing the validation of others through posting, you will never feel fulfilled. You will always want more likes, always want more followers. You will delete pictures because they did not gain enough attention, even if you really liked that photo. Seeing yourself from your own gaze is so important. Wear that outfit for you. Get that cute latte for you. Go on that trip for you. Read that book for you. And if you want, post about it too.

Do not stop at overhauling your social platforms, bring this mindset into your daily life as well. Ditch the habit of seeing and judging yourself through the eyes of the people around you. Why take off your favorite top before going out just because you are scared other people will not like it? Or avoid a topic of conversation you are interested in out of fear someone will think you are boring? Refocusing your personal lens on yourself is not a selfish act. Instead, you are grounding yourself in authenticity. So, forget about the male gaze and the female gaze. Cherish your own.