LIFE LESSONS FROM RUNNING AWAY

I was hooking up with this guy. Mind you, he’s 6’7…and I am 5’2. He puts it in and it literally feels like he has reached my belly button. I had to get an emergency sonogram the next day. Turns out he disclosed my IUD. It’s been two months, the IUD has been fixed, and I am still bleeding out. Thanks for the neverending period! To make matters worse, he lives directly across from me and has asked to hook up again multiple times. Little does he know, I medically cannot do so. Should I send him a doctor’s note?

YOU MAKE ME SICK After a long night at Lucy’s, I bring home a girl. We start hooking up in my bed and are both sloshed out of our minds. I feel bad because she starts coughing as we’re making out. All of a sudden, she throws up...IN MY MOUTH. The best part was that afterward, we went to the bathroom and both threw up in my toilet together. She slept over after. Most romantic night of my life!

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE The roommate situation has always and will always make for disasters with dorm hookups, and my sophomore year proved that to be oh so true. If accidentally flashing a titty to my ex-situationship’s roommate wasn’t bad enough, getting walked in on *in the act* and him seeing my entire naked lower half was even worse. Getting kicked out of the room didn’t exactly make him my biggest fan, but the best part? Same major. Same classes. Same clubs. Needless to say, things are more awkward with the roommate than the hookup in question. Stay safe out there.

ANOTHER BELLYBUTTON STORY There’s no easy way to put it: he tried to finger my bellybutton. That’s all, that’s the whole story. Were we drunk? Yes. But is there any explanation for that? Absolutely not.

THERE’S SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE This one time, 4 girls and 4 guys were in a room. Each guy wanted to get with each girl in the room, and each girl wanted to get with each guy in the room. We decided that each guy would stand in one of the 4 corners of the room, and the girls would rotate from guy to guy. We set a timer for 10 minutes each time, which was as awkward as you could imagine when we switched. 3 of the hookups were good; one of the girls, however, kissed like a dog gives kisses to you after not seeing them for a long time, just non-stop tongue action. It got hard to breathe.

I decided that when I turned 20 I wanted to be rebellious and get my nipples pierced. I ended up doing it and they looked absolutely amazing! A couple of months go by and everything is going well with the healing process. Next thing you know Halloween Weekend approaches I end up in some random boy’s bed. The hookup itself was okay, but the next morning when I woke up my nipples were completely swollen and in so much pain. They were completely infected and caused my boobs to feel as hard as a rock. I honestly had never experienced so much discomfort in my life and I immediately knew why. He no-joke had been sucking on my boobs for a solid 10 minutes the night before which is a major no-no when your piercings are still healing. After many weeks of embarrassing appointments at Barnes, I got on antibiotics and they eventually healed. He still has no idea what he caused.