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Celebrations of love JANUARY 31, 2018 ● ULSTER PUBLISHING ● WWW.HUDSONVALLEYONE.COM

Weddings, romance & beyond

ELVIRA KALVISTE | WWW.WEDDINGSBYELVIRA.COM

Sites for romance, tricks to winning and keeping love, flowers, memorable officiants, and the continuing allure of pre-nuptial agreements.

Where to do it?

The region’s filled with great wedding venues

By Ann Hutton

L

ove itself might be the most meaningful of all the reasons to love the Hudson Valley region. Tying the knot here, that is. What’s not to love about getting married amidst magnificent mountains, voluptuous views and stunning settings?

Bridal parties have a variety of choices for really special wedding locations in our region. There are hundreds, conservatively speaking, including all the resorts, historic sites, parks and renovated or restored or repurposed structures in upstate New York.

How does any hopeful couple hope to choose? There are numerous sources of information online, veritable clearing houses of all-things-nuptial, including venues. Yet, without a recommendation from a trusted friend, it can feel like you’re looking in the Yellow Pages for a place to get married. I decided to consult the pros — people in the wedding business, people in the know

about what works and what doesn’t, people who have their own favorite places with their own special memories of working there. I turned to a wedding officiant, florists, musicians, photographers and caterers to tell me where they’ve really enjoyed doing their jobs.

The flowers…

Providing drop-dead-gorgeous, fresh floral arrangements for someone’s all-important day may be the most challenging issue.

Flowers are so perishable. Does the venue offer a cooling place to deliver them to? If the ceremony is outdoors, is there shade and protection from the elements before the wedding commences? What other considerations are vital to providing a bride and groom the spectacular array of nature’s glory they’ve paid for?

Consummate florist Dennis Nutley of The Green Cottage in High Falls says that every venue has its own feel and personality. “I try to reflect that in flowers. I love continued next page

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Red Maple Vineyard in West Park and Buttermilk Falls in Milton. Also, the Full Moon Resort in Big Indian. All are wonderful and extraordinary in the service they provide.”

The officiant…

This seems a crucial theme. Whether wedding logistics are being handled by a professional planner or someone in the bridal party, a relationship with venue owners and managers must be established. “You need to ask open-ended questions,” says reverend Judith Johnson, author of The Wedding Ceremony Planner and How to Write Meaningful Wedding Vows. “Get an education about your options. For example, what is the venue’s Plan B for an outdoor wedding if the weather turns bad? When is a final decision made to move the wedding inside, and who will handle the move? How will unexpected delays be handled?

Make sure you get all these details and get what you want.”

Pressed to share some of her favorite Hudson Valley venues, Johnson names Onteora Mountain House in Boiceville and The Emerson Resort and Spa in Mount Tremper. Each books only one wedding per weekend. She acknowledges the heavy

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A region so filled with resplendent vistas allows newlyweds to start their journey in a natural setting.

This couple was married at Full Moon Resort near Big Indian.

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competition venue owners are under, along with the high cost of making themselves visible in the marketplace — which can force them into multiple bookings.

“But at locations that do three or four weddings in a weekend, the caring of the couple is drastically diminished by the end of the weekend,” she says. Staff are exhausted.

“At Onteora Mountain House, which is private and secluded, they take supremely beautiful care of you. It becomes your home for the weekend.

There’s an elegance about this place, a stillness there. It’s not just a view; it’s being in that view, in the silence of nature. They’ve built a new room, so in case of rain, you get almost the exact same view as you would if you were outside.”

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side entrance that will let him sneak right into the reception area without interfering with the guests at all.”

Wini Baldwin of the Catskill Quartet in Palenville offers another approach. “We’re acoustic, so we don’t have to plug into anything,” she says. “We could perform at the top of a field for the ceremony, then go back into the event room to entertain for the rest of the evening.”

Baldwin and group provide processional and recessional accompaniment, and as well offering a repertoire of music throughout the cocktail hour, which can include a wide variety of styles: rags, jazz from the Thirties and Forties, classics, Broadway, pop, tangos and rock. “We like The Roxbury Barn — it’s incredible — and the Full Moon Resort. And Birch Hill in Castleton-onHudson. The Senate Garage in Kingston is a very cool place, too.”

COURTESY OF MILLS MANSION

In addition to dedicated wedding venues, many of the area’s top historic sites are available for rental. In addition to houses occupied by the Roosevelts and the Vanderbilts, there are even bigger cottages, such as the Mills Mansion in Staatsburgh.

ANN HUTTON

Joe Kaczorowski and The Kazz has become one of the region’s top wedding bands. They have favorite venues and favorite weddings.

“At The Emerson, the wedding coordinator, Marci Smith, is as cool as a cucumber and attentive to every detail, which is important because when a couple is shopping, they’re clueless as to what to look for. A couple has to rely on the information they get from venue owners. And the #1 thing they need to look for is the sense that the ones they’re choosing are sensitive to them. You want to get a sense of commitment.”

Johnson notes how pleasing it is for her to officiate weddings when there’s a shared goal between her and the venue owners to do a wonderful job for the couple getting married. “At Onteora, we know that we can count on each other,” she says. “They have their own sound system that we plug into. I always bring my own mic if I’m doing a wedding that requires one. But I’ve had the sound people in other venues want to charge an extra $500 to plug my mic into their system.”

The music…

A good sound system and good acoustics are considerations for musicians who perform during the ceremony, dinner, and dancing afterwards.

Joe Kaczorowski, saxophonist and leader of The Kazz Music Orchestra, says his band’s favorite places to perform are the ones that have the best people working there. “You can perform at the same venue two weeks in a row, and it can be a totally different experience, depending on who the vendors are, what the couple is like, and what the guests are like. Put me in a parking lot behind a dilapidated building with a couple that’s fun and all about enjoying the celebration with family and friends, where the guests love to dance, and where the vendors are able to communicate openly with each other about how the flow of the reception is

going, while keeping a sense of humor and having as much fun as the guests even though we’re ‘working’, and as far as I’m concerned, the venue is great!”

Kaczorowski has a favorite wedding venue person to work with, John Wall of the Larchmont Yacht Club in Westchester. “John has an amazing sense of humor and is super fun to work with. He and his whole team consistently do incredible work in running events,” says Kaczorowski. “We played for a wedding there, and the bride stepped off the dance floor for a minute because she was getting hot. Before she even had time to tell anyone, John Wall was behind her with a cold washcloth on her neck. When you have people that good at a setting that is so beautiful, it’s the kind of venue we want to perform at as much as possible.”

He compliments Marci Smith at The Emerson for being super-efficient with the food-service process and great about communicating with the band in terms of what’s going on.

Acoustics are critical to producing the best sounds. Kaczorowski finds it fun to play in Hudson Valley’s non-typical historic places and rustic barns. “Barns are awesome acoustically, such as the Stone Tavern Farm in Roxbury.”

He mentions issues such as the load-in logistics for dealing with all of their gear. “We’ll typically provide one or two musicians for the ceremony and cocktail hour, but the rest of the group doesn’t have a role until the reception begins. Sometimes the entire band has to be there and be completely set up in the reception area prior to the guests arriving for the reception, because there’s no other way for the band to load their gear in. I like it when I can tell my guitar player that he’s fine arriving during the cocktail hour, because there’s a

The pictures…

In the past 20 years, photographer Cynthia DelConte at Day for Night Productions has shot thousands of weddings. She mentions a long list of the pros and cons of various locations. “A place like The Garrison on the Hudson River offers amazing scenery with indoor possibilities as well.

The Grandview in Poughkeepsie is easy to shoot in, and the ceremony spot is nice. Barns — very popular these days — can be very dark and hard, with little comfort or convenience,” she says. “Basilica in Hudson is very popular if you like the industrial aesthetics, but there’s no AC or heating.

From my vantage point, standing around on a hot day in black clothes for ten hours is a challenge.

The Ballroom in Helsinki Hudson is another great space that’s a little challenging to shoot in. But it’s our job is to make anything work. It’s not the couple’s job. Their job is to find a photographer who knows how to deal with such circumstances.”

DelConte emphasizes how important the professionalism of the venue owners and managers is to making the location enjoyable for all concerned. “Red Maple Vineyard offers 20 different great areas for photographing. The owner once took me for a ride in the golf cart and showed me new areas and gave me new ideas. And they give vendors a community meal, so we’re not waiting until 11 at night to get a dinner. Typically, we get no break from noon until after guests are finished eating, which can be well after 10 p.m. It can be a long day, so when a venue takes care of us like that, it’s unusual and special.”

The catering service…

At Blue Mountain Bistro to Go between Kingston and West Hurley, chef Richard Erickson and co-owner (and wife) Mary Anne Erickson have also worked thousands of events, including many spectacular weddings. Since they are the exclusive caterers at Onteora Mountain House, it’s no surprise the venue is one of Mary Anne’s favorites.

“It’s a gorgeous spot with incredible views. The wedding site, nestled amongst very tall pine trees, looks out on pristine wooded mountains with no building in sight. They have an Adirondack-style pavilion for the reception.”

Catered foods typically are prepared before arriving at the venue location, so considerations about a venue’s facilities primarily have to do with ample space and convenience. “We’ve catered lots of other places, too. We love the Slingerland Pavilion at Mohonk Preserve, just down the hill from the big resort, that holds about 80 people. Stunning views at sunset. And another for the view, Opus 40 has a nice site and easy set up for the caterer, as well. And The Belltower in Rosendale, an old church that’s been renovated. And Locust Grove has a big beautiful room for the party and a lovely huge kitchen for the caterer.”

Good questions to ask…

After diving into online research and narrowing it down to a few possibilities, your best bet is to ask scads of questions: What is the venue’s capacity? Is there ample parking or valet service? Heat and air-conditioning? Handicapped access? What about in-house accommodations for the wedding party and proximity to hotels for guests?

And one last point, made by Judith Johnson: buy wedding insurance. Most reputable and desirable venues are here to stay — but in an uncertain economy, your fantasy wedding spot could disappear overnight. Do your homework, then protect your dreams.

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The perfect wedding Are there really 45,000 forms of love?

By Sparrow

R

ecently a friend asked me: “If you could perform a wedding, what would it be like?” Well, in fact, I have performed three weddings in my life — all illegal. In two cases, the celebrants weren’t looking for a “true” marriage. In the third instance, the couple was married by a justice of the peace before I arrived.

I didn’t have complete control over these nuptials. The marrying couples designed the solemnities. What if I could create my own ceremony? Let me see….

1) How about an entirely nude wedding? (And I mean entirely: the bride, the groom, the bridesmaids, the groomsmen, the maid of honor — and of course the clergyman!)

2) I would love to sing an entire wedding, as an oratorio. Admittedly, I tend to go off-key, but I love singing, and a tone-deaf couple with musically ignorant family and friends would, I’m sure, be deeply moved.

3) A minimalist wedding, where I choose one word out of the Bible as the entire sermon. Let me do it right now, for practice: field. [Full disclosure: I don’t own a copy of the Bible, so I used the Koran.]

4) “Disneybounding” refers to Disney fans subtly “quoting” the style of their favorite characters, such as a pearl necklace or a hairdo — in order to evade Disney World rules against adults dressing exactly like Disney cartoons. I’d love to perform a Disneybounding ceremony, especially if I could marry Olaf (the snowman from Frozen) to Pinocchio!

5) An elevator is a cozy — and cheap! — location in which to exchange vows. (For a large wedding party, a freight elevator is preferable.) How pleasant to rise upwards while entering the state of wedded bliss.

6) While I was writing this essay, the pope married a couple in midair!

Here’s what happened. Paula Ruiz and Carlos Elorriga, two Chilean flight attendants, wished to wed, but could not easily do so, because their church was destroyed in the 2010 Chilean earthquake. So Pope Frances himself married them on Airbus 321, traveling from Santiago to Iquique, a city in northern Chile. This was the first papal midair wedding in history.

Anything the pope can do, I can do better! I am happy to marry hang gliders, parachutists and astronauts in outer space. (Also I would marry two space aliens — or even three!)

7) How about a wedding staged as a heavyweight boxing match, where the two “contenders” come out of opposite corners, dressed in striped shorts, wearing boxing gloves, and I stand in the center, in the garb of a referee? I might announce: In this corner, weighing 165 pounds, from Laguna Beach, California: “Jostling” Jeffrey Scott Gordinier! In this corner, weighing 128 pounds, from Los Angeles, California: “Lucky” Lauren Elyse Fonda! I want to see a clean wedding, no hitting below the belt – and remember, protect yourself at all times!

8) Alexander Dumas said: “No one needs a poet until someone dies or gets married. Then a poet is essential.” It occurs to me that I am a poet, so perhaps I could read my poems in a wedding rite.

For example: No Reason to Love You I have no reason to love you.

You’re not that good-looking, or smart.

Your wardrobe is atrocious.

But I love you, uncontrollably, ceaselessly.

I wish your teeth were nicer, or you said something interesting.

But I love you, for no reason,

PUBLIC DOMAIN PHOTO

Even harder for a local wedding is to find a safe means of getting airborne for one’s nuptials. Or bringing the pope along, for that matter. One can always dream.

WIKICOMMONS

Might there be nothing as intimately romantic as a wedding in an elevator? Talk about the ups and downs of any relationship. The trick is where to find such things in the Hudson Valley. no reason at all.

Full of Love I’m so full of love I even love my dentist.

In fact, I love your dentist!

Love Poem I was an “Army of One” but now I’m a Navy of Two. 9) But whatever type of wedding I conduct, I’ll give this speech: “If there is a God, may God bless every moment of your union. And if, as we all suspect, God is a myth, may every tree and shoe store and water fountain bless you. May blessings arise from each street corner and cell phone, and cover you as you walk.

“And may you find TV shows and web series that you enjoy together, that aren’t too violent or too juvenile, and may you only binge occasionally, so that you receive some well-needed rest!

“Everyone knows that marriage requires compromise, but the question is: Who should win each compromise? (Because deep down we all know one side or the other always wins a com-

promise.) And the answer is: the wife should win.

Maybe every 900 compromises, the guy should come out ahead in one. But in general, women deserve the upper hand. (One reason: women are usually right.)

“But, most of the time, forget which one of you is the ‘man’ and which is the ‘woman.’ These are outdated terms. A woman is just a man who shaves his legs. A man is just a woman who shaves her face. And stop shaving your face and legs! Concentrate on the important matters in life: playing card games and doing crossword puzzles. That’s what marriage is for. Americans turn everything into work, while it is meant to be play.

“My advice is: just think to yourself, ’I’m getting married for the next 25 minutes.’ Twenty-five minutes from now, decide if you want to renew this legal bond, or if you’d rather file for divorce.

Twenty-five minutes later, decide again. Continue in this manner until you either die or fall in love with the furnace repair man.

“We have been misled by Hollywood films to believe that love must be between a young man and a young woman, bicycling together near a lake.

But you can’t bicycle forever, and there isn’t always a nearby lake. In fact, there are 45,000 types of love, most of them invisible to us. Amoebae experience love. So do turnips. Two people standing in line together at the Motor Vehicles Bureau who never speak feel a subtle type of love. Water falls to earth in the form of rain, or snow, or hailstones, out of love. Forget ‘romance’! Open your eyes to all the loves surrounding you. In fact, you may love everyone you meet, as long as you don’t sexually molest them. Good luck!”

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The perfect gift Young love is about learning how to give

By Frederick Flamenhaft

P

anic-struck as she stepped inside, I kept my composure as my heart plunged into my stomach. I had finally begun the nagging task of the month — buying a perfect gift for her whom I loved most. The beautiful, blue, hand-knit scarf around her neck touched my face as I greeted her. It was the same color as the one I had just recently bought her, but the one she was wearing was better in every way. Thicker, warmer, handmade, longer.

For broke college kids, it is a great skill to buy good gifts without blowing next semester’s food money. I had meant to go all out several weeks ago, but the fact that my bank account sat just above the minimum balance had limited my budget.

I bought the scarf I had chosen for my girlfriend in an underground bazaar a few days before. The holiday shopping mart in the Capitol Concourse in Albany was unlike anything I had ever seen.

Kiosks occupied the center floor, leaving wide stretches on the left and right for busy pedestrians. Surrounding it all were raised and arched walls that created the sense of a tunnel, with restaurants and miscellaneous stores on the sides here and there.

Behind the table of the kiosk with the Pashmira scarves was a man repeating prices like a broken record. They were selling. Money was passing to him from every direction.

Unsatisfied with that first blue scarf even before I saw that second one on her neck, I drove to my friends’ dorm at SUNY Albany. I figured they, a couple, could help me augment what I’d just spent all my money on. They did their best. For my girlfriend it had to be perfect, and perfect is really hard to find in a week, let alone a few hours.

Now desperate, I had to figure out what would be an outstanding gift to match whatever awe-

Celebrations of Love January 31, 2018 An Ulster Publishing publication Editorial WRITERS: Jennifer Brizzi, Fredrick Flamenfalt, Elisabeth Henry, Ann Hutton, Paul Smart, Sparrow, Violet Snow COVER PHOTO of a wedding couple beneath the Menashe Kadishman sculpture Suspended at the Storm King Arts Center in Orange County by Elvira Kalviste of Elvira Kalviste Photography Inc., www.weddingsbyelvira.com.

EDITOR: Paul Smart LAYOUT: Joe Morgan Ulster Publishing PUBLISHER: Geddy Sveikauskas ADVERTISING DIRECTOR: Genia Wickwire DISPLAY ADS: Lynn Coraza, Pam Courselle,

Pamela Geskie, Elizabeth Jackson, Ralph Longendyke, Sue Rogers, Linda Saccoman PRODUCTION MANAGER: Joe Morgan PRODUCTION: Diane Congello-Brandes, Josh Gilligan, Rick Holland CLASSIFIED ADS: Amy Murphy, Tobi Watson CIRCULATION: Dominic Labate Celebrations of Love: Winter Edition is an annual publication produced by Ulster Publishing.

It is distributed in the company’s four weekly newspapers and separately at select locations, reaching an estimated readership of over 50,000.

For more info on upcoming special sections, including how to place an ad, call 845-334-8200, fax 845-334-8202 or email: info@ulsterpublishing.com.

WIKICOMMONS

Young love is the stuff for many a short story, as well as older couples’ shared memories. some ones I knew she had planned for me two months in advance. We’d spent every minute of the summer together. I had recently asked what her favorite thing we had done together was. Sydney had said it was that past weekend, when I visited her at her dorm in New York City.

I had a photo of us from the night I stayed. It was a beautiful scene at the ice-skating rink in Central Park, pure white snow outlined the background. Halfway up the picture were the buildings and lights of midtown Manhattan at night.

She was gorgeous as usual, and I looked half-decent for once.

S

ydney and I went to the same high school. I always thought she was beautiful. I found her warm, bubbly personality irresistible, although in school she was mostly cold and distant. Like myself and many others, she wasn’t fond of high school. While I always had an eye for her, and at the end of the year I kind of actually asked her on a date in a joking manner. It became jokingly serious, which created confusion, and finally became serious.

She has a beautiful smile, natural light brown hair that reaches just past her shoulders, a Nineties-sense of style, and a conscious, modest confidence. Her brilliance is balanced by an awareness of mistakes that usually make her cry with laugh-

ter, such as the time she made a left turn on a red light after a full stop in the middle of the night.

The event became a running joke between us the minute it happened.

The only true problem we have had is that she doesn’t like my favorite book.

I printed the photo at home to save money and time. Our printer makes actual standard-size pictures (what a time to be alive!). I went to a store to find a frame that would fit the photo. I couldn’t find one, and went to another store. And another one. And another one. And another one.

Finally, a man behind the counter at an actual frame store where I should have gone first found something that fit perfectly. The framed photo slipped from my anxious hands and fell to the floor. I picked it up slowly, in fear that I had broken something I could only afford one of. It was fine.

I emptied my wallet dollar by dollar and purchased my new gift for my beloved. I gave her both presents two days later. As any good girlfriend would, she loved one and acted as though she loved the other.

As I reflect on these memories and the sense of unconditional love that a gift should convey, I realize that the cliche about it being the thought behind any gift that counts the most is true. That thought, and true affection, are what count most.

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PUBLIC DOMAIN PHOTOS

Couples therapy has saved many marriages. The idea is to alert each partner to the complexities of hearing each other, and shaping one’s own communication accordingly. These lessons take a lifetime to perfect.

Overtures indeed Longevity in love is a game of patience

By Paul Smart

I

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t was not yet light when I awoke this morning. I’d been dreaming that my wife Fawn was gently drumming on my upper back at some black-tie event, a gesture of love. I woke to find it was actually the dog herding something in her dreams. When I turned to disengage the pooch’s feet, she slobbered my face from the pillow between my wife and me.

I pushed Berry to the end of the bed. Fawn removed the hand I had momentarily placed on her back and rustled back into her own dreams.

I realized it would be easier for me to get up and start work. Putting on a bathrobe and slippers, I remembered that this was the kind of stuff that love and marriage evolved into several decades into the deal. I’d spent plenty of time reading about hunter-hunted syndromes, how we can only help ourselves as a means of helping our partners.

What makes for long-lasting relationships? Do the embers of love keep burning years after the fire they’re to remind us of has peaked?

I remember key moments from my early adolescence, sitting at the top of stairwells listening to parents argue. My mother and father now seem content in their third and final marriages. What happened? Did they simply lose the ability to argue a point endlessly, or did they reach a point where they realized it was best to simply leave well enough alone?

Within a month of my wife and me getting together, we were doing couples-therapy exercises.

We hadn’t fought yet, but we wanted to be ready to get through such moments. The experience of sitting side by side, answering questions about our past relationships, our strengths and weaknesses,

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WIKICOMMONS

In earlier times, wives could take out their marital complaints by occasionally stoning their husbands.

Might the custom be due for a revival? and our deepest thoughts about each other was, well, both romantic and sexy.

Can you imagine if all relationships started that way? Maybe we never would have needed to reach this #MeToo moment quite so fully.

I

look at the older couples we know, and try to figure out what’s involved in the longevity of their partnerships. My parents, long divorced, are now in their eighties. Mom’s most recent marriage to a political opposite has been lent a bittersweet quality as her husband slipped into blindness, forcing her to face earlier issues involving impatience and a tendency to leave when neediness came into view. Dad’s last marriage, to a much younger Central Asian woman comfortable with such arrangements, is a mutually fulfilling dance of demands and proud servitude.

My wife’s father’s second marriage has lasted twice as long as his first. Fawn’s mother, still pining for the man who’d left her with four kids some 40 years earlier, died two years ago. My godfather, meanwhile, recently celebrated his 60th anniversary, a good half-century past when everyone expected that marriage to fail.

Friends Tom and Linda, both previously married, are working on a similar amount of time together. Other good friends such as Sue and Steve and Reg and Alice never married, but seem to have been together forever. Some of these couples actually work together, others just spend all the time they can in each other’s orbits.

Scott and Jane met in high school. They seem to fight like cats and dogs, reminding many of their friends of a theatrical couple from an Edward Albee play. Fleche and Puanani still act like newlyweds. Richard and Laura have each expressed frustration with the other over the years, but they also still seem to treasure partnership, which started in college.

What holds each of these pairs together? What makes it better now between Fawn and myself than when we were just getting to know each other’s hearts through couples’ therapy book exercises? Even when I wake early I bristle momentarily in the knowledge that I need to let her sleep rather than envelop her in my needs.

My wife and I have noted at the weddings we’ve attended in recent years that we’ve become like the odd people out, closer to the grand-elder couples or bride’s and groom’s parents than to part of the party. When we’ve had to attend weddings solo, we later compare notes on the conversations we have with younger attendees about what one can expect from marriage. We also note how few of the elders in attendance have actually stayed in one marriage.

Those couples that last, we tell those younger folks gathered around us, tend to look after each other. Even if they forgo formal therapy, they have learned how to communicate. They work on things. They’ve figured out how to come back from moments of disappointment, frustration and anger. They’ve learned to value the time they’ve

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31, 2018 8 | January Celebrations of Love spent together, to look forward to future fun times and to sharing more. They are also exploring their own lives, bringing back stories on which to ruminate.

I

n this early hour, as my wife sleeps in the next room, I look back over a piece of information she shared with me last night on Facebook: “In medieval Germany, married couples could legally settle their disputes by fighting a marital duel,” she has written. “To even the playing field, the man had to fight from inside a hole with one arm tied behind his back. The woman was free to move and was armed with a sack filled with rocks.”

I shudder.

I remember something an old friend of a friend once said as several of us husbands, all gently grousing about how domestic household chores were holding us back from our true selves, rushed around Chinatown looking for a great dinner spot.

Ulster Publishing Co. “All that matters is that things always add up to 100 percent somehow,” my friend had said. At the time that didn’t make sense to me. Then I realized that he was talking about the long perspective love needs in order to make sense.

I think of my parents, my wife’s parents. I think of other couples who stay in love, or at least together, no matter what. My father and his ilk spent years championing a number of bad-boy actors in films from the late 1960s and early 1970s, all of them featuring brooding men’s men who used their vulnerabilities as cudgels. As several of our couples therapists noted, it’s never easy to lose the yoke of narcissism.

What my wife and I had been watching the previous night may have entered my dreams. It was the latest BBC exploration of royal couples, The Crown. In this episode, Elizabeth II and the Duke of Edinburgh, Phillip, are hosting a dinner in

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honor of their tenth wedding anniversary. The husband gives a grand speech about finding love in the troughs of a relationship, and persevering.

His wife smiles at him. There’s understanding all around the room. Then the queen speaks about a conversation with the queen mother.

“Mummy said something interesting the other day,” she says in her inimitably clipped way, the vocal version of one of those patented slowly rotating queenly waves of the hand. “She said that the first ten years of marriage are just an overture, that there’s often a crisis at ten years, but then you work it out and settle in, and it’s only then that it really gets into its stride.”

We’re well past that first-decade mark in our own marriage. I make coffee, some toast, and bring my wife breakfast in bed. She’s got a headache. These things happen as we age.

“Thank you, honey,” she says.

We’ve still got a few more decades to travel ahead of us. We’ll be attending more weddings in the wonderful invisibility enjoyed by older couples who have made it that far.

Overtures indeed. We’re well into our own symphony now.

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What your flowers say Flowers tell the most romantic stories

By Violet Snow

I

n 1902, my great-grandmother, Mary Davies Wingebach, composed a typewritten account of her wedding, which explained: “It was a beautiful June day, not hot at all, but perfectly comfortable all day long and evening…

We commenced to decorate in the morning. The main flowers were daisies (which, by the way, Mr. Wingebach and I picked ourselves the day before.)”

How romantic for the bride and groom to go off together and gather wildflowers for their wedding! It was probably a money-saving measure as well. And given that 1902 was still the Victorian era, when the language of flowers was popular, Mary may have known that daisies were said to represent loyal love and gentleness, surely qualities she wanted to maintain in her marriage.

When choosing flowers for your romantic celebration, you might take inspiration from Mary.

There are several points to consider in your se-

lection — the color scheme of dresses and decorations, whether fragrant blossoms are desired (such as lilacs, peonies, sweet peas, or gardenias), and the style of the wedding — casual (perhaps gerbera daisies) or formal (elegant calla lilies).

Couples might also want to use flowers that are blooming at the time of the event, as Mary did, and consider the Victorian language of flowers in making their choices.

The many rules and regulations of Victorian society made speaking directly about one’s emotions potentially transgressive, giving rise to a floral code. Based on traditions of ancient Persia, the Victorians developed a system that allowed the amorous to communicate their feelings without words. Although we are no longer constrained by so many social rules, the romantic associations of flowers can add to the symbolism that heightens the emotional resonance of a ceremony.

If a Victorian man gave a woman gardenias, for instance, he was expressing a secret passion for her.

She might answer with a solid red carnation, which meant she ached for him, too, or a striped carnation of regretful refusal. An even stronger reply would be a geranium, meaning stupidity or folly.

Fortunately, we are not likely to choose geraniums for a wedding. Despite the cheery reds and

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The author’s great-great-grandmother kept among her keepsakes this image of the tulip’s role as a declarer of love. This image comes from the woman’s nineteenth-century Love and the Flowers autograph book. pinks available, the slightly disagreeable odor mitigates against a bouquet of geraniums.

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T

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PHOTOS BY VIOLET SNOW

Dahlias.

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to nature and the support of Mother Earth — and perhaps her benediction on a marriage. The trick with wildflowers is that not all of them stay vibrant after picking. As any child knows who has gathered a dandelion bouquet for mommy, the perky yellow blooms are squeezing shut their petals by the time they get home, and a glass of water is no help.

For a summer wedding, bold Rubeckias (blackeyed Susans and their kin) and sweet, unassuming daisies will stay fresh for at least a day or two. The closely related woodland sunflower, with its lemon-yellow rays, is also long-lasting. Queen Anne’s lace stays lovely, but after about a day it starts shedding tiny white florets everywhere. While a florist’s lilies make an elegant and persistent show, particularly the spectacular stargazer, the local orange lilies that grow everywhere in late June and early July are not recommended. They’re called day lilies because each blossom opens for only one day before withering and falling.

If you prefer not to worry about floral longevity, or if going out to pick wildflowers the day before your wedding is not your idea of being well prepared, you might still want to choose flowers that are blooming in season. They express our unity with nature, and they will be less expensive than those the florist will have to struggle to obtain. Tulips, peonies, and lily-of-the-valley are easy to get in the spring. Small sunflowers make a distinctive summer option, or you might consider sturdy zinnias. Dahlias and chrysanthemums are available in the fall, offering a wide choice of colors.

Spend time thinking about what you want your flowers to express, which varieties attract you, and what colors will work for your plan. Then do a little research and consult with your florist, bringing along a list of your considerations. Whatever you come up with, the generous beauty of flowers will make a splendid addition to your celebration.

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Peonies properly predict prosperity and happiness. Dahlias correspond to dignity and elegance.

Phlox means “our souls are united.” Orchids represent love, beauty and refinement, but beware — in China, they symbolize the prospect of many children.

Yellow flowers, while connoting optimism, sometimes have an accompanying sense of falsity or forced cheerfulness. Exceptions are daffodil (loyalty) and jonquil (mutual affection). A bonus, if you’re marrying in early spring, is that daffodils grow in profusion.

If you have a neighbor with a hillside planting, she might allow you to pick some as a wedding gift. Later in the spring, peonies abound in local gardens, as do fragrant lilacs, which represent innocent love. Opulent hydrangea flowers bloom in mid- to late summer, although their meaning ranges from heartlessness to “thank you for un-

derstanding.”

Speaking of symbolism, anemones have a history in Greek myth. When Aphrodite’s lover Adonis died, anemone flowers sprang up from his blood.

Rather intense but so romantic! Anemones represent expectation and come in a variety of colors, including white with black centers, in case you’re planning a black-and-white wedding.

If you choose to add greens to your arrangements, ivy symbolizes fidelity and marital happiness. Ferns correspond to magic, fascination, and confidence. Greenery also helps stretch your budget, since it’s usually less expensive than the flowers.

H

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Substances to sex it up Are there really aphrodisiacs that work?

be careful. The FDA has looser reins on them than on mainstream medications, so beware of your sources.

Some herbal remedies reputed to have aphrodisiac properties have been studied and found ineffective. These include horny goat weed, rhinoceros horn, saw palmetto, chasteberry, damiana and wild yam. Even chocolate and oysters make the list. Though both these do have health benefits — zinc and serotonin in oysters and caffeine and antioxidants in chocolate — neither has been determined to have a direct, measurable effect on libido or performance.

So what does work? Well, I can’t vouch for any of the following, but studies have been done and some effectiveness has been measured. But as with anything you read, you should take it with a healthy dose of skepticism.

By Jennifer Brizzi

D

oes chocolate get her in the mood?Dooystersmakehimlovelonger?

Of our favorite aphrodisiacs, classic to modern, which ones work?

If you research any of the items claimed to improve libido or performance, you will find opinions — and research studies — supporting both sides of the fence on each one.

An aphrodisiac is defined as something that increases ardor. The reasons a person may wish to boost their lust can run the gamut from boredom with the partner to lack of interest to age to medical conditions or general poor health. But for all the myriad reasons mankind has been seeking aphrodisiacs, we’ve been doing so for millennia, discovering a large collection of substances claimed to make you feel 18 again in bed, from Spanish fly to Viagra.

According to Jeremy MacClancy in Consuming Culture (Henry Holt, 1992), some of history’s more intriguing aphrodisiacs have included calves’ and doves’ brains, camel bone, chameleon milk, deer semen, jackal gall, goose tongues, swan or horse penis, and hippopotamus snout. We will surely try anything to get lucky!

Historically, many phallic-shaped foods have been thought to be effective. Once thought to have medicinal effects on men’s libido and potency were carrots, asparagus, leeks, corn on the cob, eggplants, cucumber and zucchini. However, science has shown their influence is less direct. A healthy, varied diet surely doesn’t hurt your sex life, though.

Some supposed sex-stimulating supplements are downright dangerous. A Turkish product called mad honey is touted as stimulating for females but can cause many health problems. That Spanish fly, made from beetle parts, burns the mouth, throat and urinary tract. A type of toxic

TLK

G

inkgo biloba comes from an ancient tree and is touted in traditional Chinese medicine as a help for sexual problems. It does this by relaxing blood vessels and increasing blood WIKICOMMONS flow, and is said to help libido Maca and powders made from the root have been said to have loss from taking SSRI antidea variety of powers, including increased sexual performance and pressants. One study showed potency. increased desire and sexual toad called the bufo not only kills dogs who lick it function in men and women, but another study but has poisoned people, too. Indigenous to Ausdid not. If you take a blood-thinning medicatralia, bufo toads are an invasive species in South tion, check with your healthcare practitioner first.

Florida. The venom is made into a hardened resin Another popular Chinese herb, ginseng, has called “love stone” or other names, is banned by been shown in double-blind studies to have a the FDA but sold at some sex shops, smoke shops beneficial effect on erectile dysfunction. A type and bodegas. It affects the heart and has killed called Korean red has also been shown to improve several New York City men. arousal in menopausal women. Use should also be When it comes to natural remedies, you have to monitored for those on blood thinners, as well as anyone with hormone-sensitive cancers.

Tribulus terrestris, available as a supplement, is RIDGEVIEW AIR PA used to help infertility and loss of libido, and some rat studies showed it increased sperm production.

For all your beauty needs A study with human women with sexual dysfunction showed help for them as well, but more research is needed.

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sleepiness, and JAMA Internal Medicine suggests further studies.

Of course there is more to aphrodisiacal treatments than popping pills and powders. Desire and performance can be enhanced in other ways, like optimizing general mental, emotional and physical health. Medical conditions like diabetes, menopause and stress can affect the way things go in the bedroom.

Sexuality is a complicated thing, and every one of us is different.

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Many aphrodisiac myths, the author has found, are based on little more than a vegetable’s general shape. with thyroid issues should consult their doctor before use however because of its goitrogen content.

Other substances studied for their aphrodisiac effects include saffron, pistachios and fenugreek.

Saffron studies have shown some effectiveness but results are too inconsistent to be definitive. Pistachios are good for you in general, but a study has shown they help provide better blood flow to the penis. Again, more studies are needed. Fenugreek contains compounds that the body can use to make the hormones estrogen and testosterone and a handful of studies have shown it helpful. Like some other supplements, it can interfere with blood thinners and

hormone-sensitive cancers.

S

ome medications are marketed for their effectiveness, the most famous of all being the uber-popular Viagra, which of course I don’t need to describe here. Zestra is an oil marketed to women for arousal issues, a lubricant infused with primrose oil and angelica root extract.

The aroma of the product gets mixed reviews, with some users loving it and others saying it stinks.

A drug called flibanserin treats decreased libido in women. Although approved by the FDA in 2015, its popularity has not really taken off.

Side effects include fatigue, dizziness, nausea and

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One need look no further for the continuing need for pre-nuptial agreements than the great myths from Hollywood’s golden era, when James Cagney and Barbara Stanwyck expressed plenty about the fault lines in all relationships.

Better safe than sorry Pre-nuptials are still a thing these days

By Elisabeth Henry

T

he wedding planner urged us to plunk down a deposit when we were planning one of our daughters’ weddings. It was just past Christmas, after all, and the phones were ringing off the hook. Mistletoe and all that.

We were in danger of losing our place in the queue.

The year I graduated from college, I was invited to at least one wedding a weekend from May until September. Since it had been a very rough year both emotionally and academic-workload-like, I opted to spend my bachelorette summer at the beach. I couldn’t show up at one event and not at others. That would have hurt.

Providential. Not one of those marriages lasted.

My parents met at age 14. It was late afternoon one hot summer. Dad was pitching. It wasn’t going well. Dazzled by his good looks and sensing that now was the time to offer validation, Mom was in the stands. The match worked for just shy of 65 years.

Oh, it’s all so emotional! The first glance, the first words, the first touch, kiss, etc.! So what’s with all the paperwork just to get a marriage license, which does not mean you are married?

A

marriage license is a document issued by a governmental authority that allows two people to get married. A marriage license is valid for only a specific time period such as 30 or 60 days, and is only good for the state or locale where it was issued. You cannot use a California marriage license to get married in Kentucky or France.

In order to receive a marriage license, a couple is required to complete a marriage-license application. The regulations for acquiring a marriage license differ widely between countries and even within countries. Remember, receiving a marriage license means that you are legally allowed to get

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married. It does not mean that you are married.

After a couple is married and after the marriage license is signed by the bride and groom and their witnesses, the officiant of their wedding files the marriage license with the local government authority that issued the license. With this registration process, the marriage becomes part of the public record. A marriage certificate is then issued and usually mailed to the recently married couple.

So it is true then. Love and marriage do go together like a horse and carriage, and those are real property, and they mean business. They brings us back from Paradise on Earth, dropping us squarely in the neighborhood of potential litigation, which is like the emergency room in the local hospital. You might never need it, but you should know where it is.

Britney Spears famously refused to avail herself of a prenuptial agreement when she felt about Kevin Federline as Titania felt about Bottom: So doth the woodbine the sweet honeysuckle gently entwist; The female ivy s enrings the barky fingers of the elm.

O, how I love thee! How I dote on thee!

Perhaps we can imagine, speaking to her youth and other circumstances, that she did not know what the term “prenuptial agreement” meant. No matter. Elder, more experienced, fellow celebrities like Donald Trump (see The Donald vs. Ivana, or The Donald vs. Marla) convinced her father to insist on one.

Premarital agreements, also called prenuptial agreements or “prenups,” are a common legal step taken before marriage. A prenup establishes the property and financial rights of each spouse in the event of a divorce.

About 50 years ago, modern markets began to allow women to play a greater economic role, which lead to their greater independence. The expansion of democracy, with its emphasis on liberty and individual choice, may also have stacked the deck in favor of love matches, and the need for women to seek the protection of a prenup.

P

rior to that time, women and men had unique rights and responsibilities within marriage. For instance, in the United States, marital rape was legal in many states until the 1970s, and women often could not open credit cards in their own names. Women were entitled to support from their husbands, but didn’t have the right to decide on the distribution of community property. If a wife was injured or killed, a man could sue the responsible party for depriving him of “services around the home.” Women didn’t have the same option. So, while none of us would want a news ticker scrolling along the bottom of a film like A Star is Born, detailing the practical realities of that doomed but

exquisite love story, we should admit that it is good to be able to seek protection under the law.

But it can backfire. A dear old friend of mine, a woman some 20 years older (imagine!) than I, was born into a family of considerable wealth. Her suitor, a poor but dashing military man, was humiliated by her father’s insistence on a prenuptial agreement. Nonetheless, spellbound, he signed.

He went on to a very distinguished military career, which led to a very lucrative career in the private sector.

The old money dried up. The once-enchanted suitor lost his ardor. There was only that one-sided prenuptial agreement, so the formerly entitled daughter lost out big time.

There are the bizarre and the frivolous. Prenups for pets, babysitters, pool guys and, strange as it may sound, some prenuptial agreements even cover what happens to pets, both dead and alive!

According to attorney Leon F. Bennett, who has represented Marlon Brando, Kelsey Grammer and Dennis Hopper, these are quite common. Bennett once handled a case that dictated the destination of a couple’s taxidermied horse.

S

o my children are grown now. I cry at their weddings because they are beautiful. But, like Tevye, I cry at their weddings because life with me becomes a matter of anecdote and memory. I just can’t draw that audience any more. But also like Tevye, I cry because of what they don’t know. Not now, not then, when they are making vows, and smashing cake into each other’s faces, and being toasted by friends. That’s no time for the what if.

But I know. It’s not just about bank accounts.

People lose ancestral homes and all the beloved contents. Children can be shortchanged.

I say, go for the prenup. Actually, I say, do more than that. If a marriage is (and it is!) a business arrangement, subject it to yearly review. If your love relationship within that is truly an affair of the heart, pay heed more often. Like daily. This way, we keep free and pulsing the circulation between mind and heart in the best of all possible worlds.

That’s the point of it all, isn’t it? To make this the best of all possible worlds? Sex is fun, but we can have fun without marriage. Marriage is altogether something else. It links us to community, tradition, the succession of the species, our own dotage. Serious shit. With all that going on, it’s easy to see how the churning of passions two, five, ten years in make the first thrills of love seem as forceful as the exhales of squirrels. The long-married know why Tevye cried.

“My husband and I have never considered divorce. Murder sometimes, but never divorce.”

— Joyce Brothers

January 31, 2018 Celebrations of Love

Ulster Publishing Co.

| 15

Vistas, comfort and distraction

COURTESY OF FRIENDS OF CLERMONT

Key to honeymooning sites, especially deeper into one’s marriage, is a long vista, the better to keep one thinking about the great journeys accomplished and distances yet to be traveled.

Honeymoons can happen at home

By Paul Smart

H

oneymoons come in various sizes. They can also be done in parts.

For every trip to Niagara Falls or even Tahiti, there are still those shorter getaways right after the vows, as well as the hubbub of a reception. Once you’ve gotten into that soapand can-festooned newlywed vehicle, after all, you’ve got to head off somewhere.

We’ve heard so often about couples coming to the Hudson Valley for the first grand journeys of their marital lives. But what about we who live here? Where can we rush off for that first night of, well, whatever it is that shifts once that proverbial knot’s been tied?

Years ago, I booked my brother and his bride into the Saugerties Lighthouse…during a snowstorm. They bundled up for the walk out and timed just right so they wouldn’t get swamped by the full moon’s high tide. Then had to spend a second night when they missed the tide coming back.

That’s a much harder honeymoon to book these days, now that the Lighthouse has become one of our region’s top romantic getaways at all times of year.

After our own wedding, we ran off to a homey French country inn up in the Catskills for dinner and a memorable night in a truly rickety old bed with a horsehair mattress and squeaky springs.

But then we took a more formal honeymoon trip to St. Augustine, Florida, where we made sure to spend some time at Ponce de Leon’s Fountain of Youth. Then we went to India. To celebrate our troth with others, we made trips over that year to Martha’s Vineyard and Maui.

D

o the Hudson Valley and the Catskills have what it takes to compete with Napa Valley, Hawaii, or even the older wonders of Niagara Falls and the Poconos? I’m sure there are still round beds with ceiling mirrors, and even heart-shaped jacuzzis somewhere around here. But the general sensibility here’s a bit more classy than schmaltzy.

Some of our classy hotel experiences include Mohonk Mountain House in the Gunks, Diamond Mills in Saugerties, Belvedere Mansion near Rhinebeck, Tannersville’s Deer Mountain Inn, the Emerson outside Phoenicia, the Thayer at West Point, Buttermilk Falls in Ulster County, and unique Wing’s Castle outside Millbrook. There are also a few remnants of the old Borscht Belt of yore in the form of the Hudson Valley Resort, Big Indian’s Full Moon Central, Villa Vosilla and Scribner’s Hollow on the Greene County Mountaintop (swim-in grotto, anyone?). Try the very Eastern European aura at Soyuvizka, the Ukrainian National Association’s getaway outside Kerhonkson, or Rocking Horse Ranch in Highland.

My wife and I believe there are three basic criteria to consider when choosing something to fill the gap between that first night away from the hubbub of one’s nuptials and that long-awaited, certain-tobe-memorable honeymoon of a lifetime?

First off, you want a place with vistas of some sort. These can range from an inner-looking experience to something dramatic to look at should one open one’s drapes. That’s how Niagara got into the game, and one of the reasons our region beckons newlyweds from elsewhere so well. City folks like to see trees, creeks and other bodies of water, mountains, sky. Small-town life appeals, too.

F

or those of us who live here, something apart from our everyday lives seem in order.

If you live with wood stoves, a suite of rooms with old-style radiators might be in order. Mountain dwellers could start their search in the flatter lands bordering the Hudson. And don’t overlook

the benefits of anonymity, as well as true privacy.

Second is the element of comfort, another arena for personal preferences (and possible mediation).

We’ve had high-end rooms where others have unlocked the door and walked in at 3 a.m., suites that smelled of the jacuzzi in the main room, a shack without windows on the side of a snow-topped volcano in Hawaii, and that squeaky-bedded French-inn corner room that though it smelled of old wallpaper was as cozy as a dream you never want to leave. Prerequisites? A private bathroom, warmth, a cozy aesthetic and, once again, privacy.

Lastly, we can’t get over the need for any honeymoon destination to include elements of distraction for those moments when you might need to not be looking into each other’s eyes, contemplating the vastness of the horizon taking shape before you. This is where woods and hiking trails, a pool or stream or other water-source to play in, and even board games and old novels to explore can play a role. Our best bet? Walkability. Think in terms of great small towns and cities where one can saunter out to other restaurants, check out antiques and home stores, or even wander the aisles of a CVS or Rite Aid discussing all before you.

Don’t underestimate how nice it is to eschew a car for much of your honeymoon, even if for under 24 hours. Think in terms of places you can go, within the valley, by train — from Rhinebeck to Hudson, say, or Poughkeepsie down to Beacon, Cold Spring or Garrison. Or small communities one can explore by foot, such as Phoenicia or Woodstock; Tivoli, Red Hook or Rhinebeck; Millbrook, Millerton or Hudson, Uptown Kingston and Saugerties; New Paltz and Catskill, the cozy communities of Windham in Greene County and Margaretville, Andes or Roxbury in Delaware County. Even Ellenville makes for a fun hangout, full of restaurants and offbeat charm.

Okay. Local honeymoons seem pretty easy, right? But what about romance, that final ingredient all such sojourns need?

That you bring, and hopefully not in a suitcase.

31, 2018 16 | January Celebrations of Love

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