Student Speak Magazine SpringSummer 2012

Spring/Summer 2012 ISSUE 18

and it’s back for the 18th time and better than ever if I may say so myself. We’re all really sorry that it’s been a while since the last edition of Student Speak, but boy have we got a treat for you.

This edition began back in 2011 so it’s full of rubbish from last year which you had forgotten about but may by now be excited to read about. Probably not... But more exciting than anything else is Student Speak’s Royal Visit Coverage which dons two pages of this world exclusive edition.

The SS would like to say thank you to Irene Faill in the photocopying room for all of the support that she has given us on this and the last edition of Student Speak as we made the move to printing in house. Which sUCCess magazine doesn’t do by the way.

So here is the Managerial Team from Student Speak Inc. Looking as beautiful as ever. Enjoy the Magazine.

Joe James Editor in Chief

Becca S. Connelly Managing Editor

Angharad Jenkins Market Research

George Benton Intern

Rebecca Osborne Field Reporter

Emma Hepworth On Sabbatical

Emily Bardget Tea Lady

Nigel Pattinson The Big Boss Man

The latest headlines from the world of Ullswater Community College

SCHWIMMER TO TEACH DRAMA? News is circulating amongst staff that David Schwimmer is to become the new Head of Drama.

David will be taking over the post from Susie Shreeve, who left at the end of the last school year, despite Mrs Reardon being the bookie’s favourite for the job. Mr Schwimmer is famous for playing that giraffe in the film ‘Madagascar’ and Professor Ross Geller in ‘Friends’. In a recent interview with Mr Pattinson and the school Governors, David said that he was “excited about learning new skills and meeting new people” and that he hoped that the

school would welcome him with what he described as “open arms”. However, in a recent interview, David ‘King of Kings’ Tromans pointed out that Mr Schwimmer is completely unqualified for the job, saying that Mr Schwimmer had “no experience working with children.” and that “Mr Schwimmer is completely unqualified for the job”. Jane Reardon however thinks that having someone famous in her department could boost attendance. And when asked what she thought of Mr Schwimmer she described him as “entirely yummy”.

UCC TEACHER TO REJOIN TELEVISION BAKING SHOW

Last year, English, Media and Drama teacher Mr Jim Nulty returned to his part time job as a judge on the extremely popular BBC Show, The Great British Bake Off. Mr Nulty who worked alongside baking legend, Mary Berry, said that he was delighted to be asked to return to the show for the second series despite having “no knowledge or interest in the field of baking” and that he would “continue to give the audience what they want”.

The BBC confirmed last week that both Jim and Mary will return for the third series later this year.

PATTINSON RESCUES LAMBS FROM DEATH! In an extraordinarily brave move our headmaster Nigel Pattinson ran into a burning barn to save two young lambs. It is rumoured that it was Mr Pattinson's bionic skin which allowed him to move through the flames unscathed. However Mr P said yesterday that in the lucky turn of events he had been what he described as “lucky”. As for the lambs, Nigel plans to keep them and has named them Nick and David.

PENRITH LESURE CENTRE PRESENTS

Steps-Club-Juniors-Juniors-7 Reunited for the very worst time 8 am Wed 2nd Aug 2012 - Tickets £1

All articles are true to life. Only Names, Dates, Locations, and Events have been changed.

If you’re looking for the Political News.

Turn to page 9 Or for news of the royal visit, Page 4

Joe James for Student Speak

“No he wasn’t the one in fancy dress.” was what many teachers had to explain to students after the exciting arrival of the Duke of Gloucester KG GCVO and other guests. The gentleman who was in fancy dress was none other than our county sheriff. All of the guests were greeted by a North Korean (stand outside and look happy or face your death) style welcome and as the heavy rain failed to dampen the spirits of the students the guests ran to the building to take cover.

The Duke of Gloucester was given a tour of the Skills Centre. After which the guests moved to the Cumberland Hall for some performing arts, which included an extract from the school’s drama performance, “Lord of the Flies”, and two dances by the school’s cheerleaders. Then the unveiling of a rather heavy plaque, after which there were some speeches. Each as gripping and exciting as the last.

Many guests from the celebrity world attended the event.

Hollywood legend Peter O’Toole, The Duke of Gloucester KG GCVO, Shakin Stevens, Gregg Wallace, Tommy Walsh and Howard from the Halifax adverts were just some of the many ‘famous’ faces. Rory Stewart MP respectfully declined his invitation .

Joe James for Student Speak In case you’ve forgotten who Prince Richard, The Duke of Gloucester KG GCVO really is, we’ve made this nifty family tree. It’s got all the royals on it and Prince Richard Himself. So enjoy!

King Edward VIII (centre) abdicated to marry Wallis Simpson, a dirty American divorcee. (pictured left) Both are pictured here with a friend (far right).

go t e v a we h e n o .

The ment o m e at th

King George V

King Colin Firth and the Queen Mother

Queen Elizabeth II

Prince Henry Former Duke of Gloucester

He’s this one, KG GCVO

Mr Shearer, Head of Media, may seem to be an average teacher from the outside, but he isn’t at all, because he was once in a band. Not just any band either. Octopus! That’s right, Octopus!

No perhaps you haven’t heard of them, because they’re not as cool and famous as The Black Pea Eyes or whatever you youngsters listen to these days, but in their own time they were quite successful and even had a UK Top 40 hit! So we thought that Mr Shearer seemed like an interesting kind of guy for an interview.

Hey Mr Shearer!

Hey Student Speak!

What has been your highlight while teaching at UCC? Probably seeing everyone singing in the Christmas single, I particularly loved seeing Mr Pattinson. I love a head teacher who gets involved! Everyone enjoyed it and we should do it more often.

If you knew today was your last day on earth, how would you spend it?

I would spend it with my family and friends whilst attempting to assemble a rocket out of sticky back plastic and fairy liquid bottles to escape the planet.

If you were a super hero, who would you be and why?

Without a doubt, it would have to be superman.

In fact I’m already a super hero, I am Clark Kent.

It’s the specs!

If you had the power of time travel, where would you go and why?

I’d go back to the enlightenment period when Scotland pretty much invented everything. The most important thing being partying and then getting the work done. We should all go back to Edinburgh when it was 1770.

Who or what inspires you?

Ma wee dudes (They are my children and my pupils). I just love some of the things they come out with. David Bowie is also an inspiration, he’s only the best pop star ever! I’d also have to say the Mountains. I love how they’re always there, I can see them from my studio.

If you could get rid of all the songs from a particular singer, whose would you delete and why?

UB40. Simply Red. Celine Dion.

Finish this sentence. Mr Shearer is...

In need of therapy.

What is the last album you bought?

Maserati and Lightning Bolt (they are two separate bands) We thought you were an Oasis fan?

Yeah I’ve met them. I’ve also met Kasabian. The lead singer, Tom Meighan really liked my shoes. And I’ve played five-a-side football with Blur.

Wow, ok, that’s pretty impressive.

You’ve probably already done this but if you had to party with a celebrity who would it be?

I’ve partied with everybody already, but if I had to choose someone it would be David Bowie.

And finally Mr Shearer, what in your opinion is the meaning of life?

Be good to yourself, at least twice a day.

Angharad Jenkins and Becca S. Connelly for Student Speak

UCC SAYS AUF WIEDERSEHEN TO ITS ‘MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL’ Mrs Harper left the school before Christmas after being the school nurse at UCC for as long as we all remember (which isn’t very long). A frequent face for those students trying to avoid Friday afternoon double physics or in my case a muddy game of rugby, Mrs Harper was a lovely, hard working woman with a difficult job, who over the years had built up a strong relationship with staff and students alike. She will be sorely missed by every student in the school. But if you ever need medical advice, you can always pop into Toymaster!

Joe James for Student Speak

Student Speak would like to apologise to an anonymous head librarian for the excessive amount of text in the last issue. After her complaint to the Editor in Chief we strove to reduce the amount of text in this issue so that anonymous and any other library staff who struggled with the last issue would not have to read too much.

VOLDEMORT

MR JACKSON

JULIE WALTERS

MRS GAIZELY

Sadly Mrs Gaizely is leaving the school this summer after more than twenty years of service. We at the S.S. along with the rest of the students and staff wish her a fond farewell, and congratulate her in keeping her secret identity of Julie Walters a secret, secretly for all these years.

So what's been happening in El Governmento since the last edition of Student Speak came out? Well the Coalition Government, or the Conservative Government as most people like to call it, have simply moved from one blunder to the next. Whether it be telling people to keep flammable liquids in their houses or putting tax on pies (or as they know it ‘beef Wellington’) the Conservatives don’t seem to be doing well. Just like our school, our country still has no money and they are making job cuts throughout the public sector (although I doubt Mr Cameron will be getting a pay rise). So George Osbourne, who is in charge of all the money, released a plan to save money! However the plan was poor and even included a reduction in tax for the richest people in the country, which incidentally includes most of the Conservative front bench and doesn’t seem like the sort of thing they should do to save money Now we’ve been pushed back into another recession.

Boris Johnson won the London's Biggest Idiot Competition, or mayoral elections as some may call it. And everyone sighed a sigh of relief as they realised that there might be something remotely interesting, possibly even funny, about the Olympics this summer.

Thus, that was one victory for the government. However they lost out big time in the local elections. But not here. Never here.

Joe James for S.S.

It all began, here actually. I do not remember the arrival of Ms Pinkney as the new biology teacher at the school as anything out of the ordinary. Then in Summer 2009 we found out she was leaving the school to marry the Masterchef Judge. It turned out that after asking Mr Wallace a question about celery on twitter the two had begun some serious tweeting. No I’m not making this up. They eventually went on a date… to the BAFTA’s. A few months later and there were pages dedicated to their engagement throughout the glossy magazines.

Gregg and Heidi were wed in Berkshire. Many guests from the celebrity world attended including Masterchef Judge John Torode and Celebrity Masterchef Judge Michel Roux Jr. However after 15 months the marriage was over. So what's next for Mr & Mrs Wallace? Well to be honest we don’t know, more cooking perhaps? Or a return to teaching?

Maybe even reality television? Who knows?

The newly Wed Mr and Mrs Wallace cut their wedding cake

Alex Brown, Ted Harbot and Tim Muller Alex and the Wander~Band These three former students went on to form Alex and the Wander~Band with Simon Joy, Luke Hemmings and Ollie Margerison (pictured above right to left). According to their website they “play a fun mix of traditional folk, old timey American music and Gypsy Jazz , all in their Wander-Band kind of way”. When they began they would meet in Bluebell Bookshop and The Lowther Arms to jam and write together. As they began to build up a fan base, the gigs just came pouring in. They have since played at many music events and festivals including Solfest and Maryport Blues Festival.

Alex Brown left the school in 2009, he plays the guitar and the trumpet but most importantly provides the lead vocals with his fantastic voice.

He is also studying music at Sheffield University.

Teddy “Huge Strings” Harbot left UCC in 2011, he plays the double bass in the band which he describes as “twice as bassy as the average single bass”. He also plays double bass for the Kentucky Cow Tippers and will be heading off to a London university in 2013 to study English. Tim Muller left in 2010 and plays the banjo and harmonica in the Wander~Band. He is studying history at Edinburgh where he has a band TJ Muller and the Dixie 6.

Joe James for Student Speak

Despite a major lack of enthusiasm from the students, the fancy dress day or non-uniform day as it was to most students was a success. Not a sUCCess but a success none the less. And to top it all off it raised a lot of money. For who I hear you ask? Well it was for the First Responders and to buy a catering trolley to help revive the annual pensioners’ tea.

Apparently.

George Benton for Student Speak

On a cold December morning, as Christmas was approaching, it was time, once again, for the annual English trip to London. The trip entailed the usual sight-seeing of London’s famous landmarks such as Big Ben and the London Eye (let’s face it guys, they never get old) and many other chilling and exciting experiences. The trip lasted two days, beginning with a visit to the London Dungeons, where we travelled through time witnessing some of the cruellest crimes known to man. Look out for Jack the Ripper!!

One of the purposes of the trip was to go and see live theatre, after all, an English trip would not be complete without a play or two. This year, it was the turn of ‘The Lady Killers’ and ‘Ghost the Musical’, which featured the fit guy from Corrie; that’s right guys, Richard Fleeshman! We also took to a trip to the M&M World. Okay, it’s a loose link to English but who doesn’t like chocolate?!

There was a brief visit to the Winter Wonderland, a magical, enchanting, yet expensive place. Needless to say, we didn’t stay there long. We would like to thank all the members of staff involved and who accompanied us on this trip, particularly Ms Thompson who got us all back in one piece. I thoroughly enjoyed this trip, this being the second time I’ve attended, and would highly recommend it to anyone studying Media or English at A level.

Emily Bardgett for Student Speak

The Fellowship of the Ring Dora as the Piggy Child

In December, after a manic month of rehearsals, the cast of “Lord of the Rings” took to the stage for a night of wondrous and exciting drama. The Night began with some Greek and Medieval Theatre performed by Years 7 and 8 and directed by none other than Jim Nulty. The next part of this amazing night was a performance of “Romeo and Juliet” directed by the handsome Craig Walkden, with Kyle Summers and Freya Moar-Smith in the title roles. The Spectacular finale took place after the interval with a heart wrenching performance of the J. R. R Tolkien classic, “Lord of the Flies”. Jane Reardon directed this most wondrous of performances with help from her amazing cast and crew. Megan Ashley really was the Star of the show as Ralph Baggins, a young hobbit stranded on a desert island. His newfound best friend, A Pig, was played by veteran UCC actor and all round entertainer, Dora Hill. The story’s famous wizard, Gandalf was played by Jordan Summers, other stars included Harriet Moar-Smith and Jess Newell, who acted as people. Past UCC student Ted Harbot also got a role as the voice of ‘Man’. One of the amazing parts of this show was the lighting, which was done

by Jordan's Dad. Also the fantastic set, which was constructed by Owen Smith and Joe James. So overall if you went to see “Lord of the Rings” then you probably had a great night out. And if you didn’t go you probably had a lousy night in. Well I don’t know what your night was like. I don’t stand outside your houses staring in the windows whilst you watch TV with your families. Honest.

Gandalf’s Death

Photographs by De La Mare Photography

Joe James for Student Speak

Across 1 3 6 7 9 12 13 15 16 17 18 20 21 26 27 28

A rounded thickly curled hairdo (4) Famous Soft Drinks Company (4,4) A narrative poem of popular origin (6) Plural of Goose (5) Capital city of Iraq; located on the Tigris River (7) Garment for the head (3) Piece of furniture for sleeping in (3) Lead guitarist of the Beatles (1943-2001) (6,8) A cattle herder; on the plains of the Western and South- western United States. (6) Rubber device that fits around a wheel. (4) Hazard; danger; peril. (4) A commercial enterprise that provides scheduled flights for passengers (7) A Collection of maps in a book (5) English Folk Tale. Jack and the ________ (9) English natural scientist who formulated a theory of evolution by natural selection (1809-1882) (6) English courtier who Introduced potatoes and tobacco to England (1552-1618) (3,6,7)

Down 2

10 11 14 15 19 22 23 24 25

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR It’s about time that Student Speak made a grand return and it’s about time too. The summer is here and for so many the summer is not only nice because it’s the summer but also because when it’s the summer it’s hotter than when it isn't the summer. So this summer edition of SS may brighten your spirits as you sit in a top floor classroom and wipe the sweat from your brow whilst watching the people sunbathing out of the windows.

Yours Sincerely Joe James

Nocturnal bird of prey with hawk-like beak and claws and large head with front-facing eyes (3) 3 Matthew Perry's Character in 'Friends' (8,4) 4 Any device serving as a source of illumination (5) 5 A crisp stick-shaped roll; often served with dip (10) 6 Book of the Christian faith. (5) 8 Full of love and good will; gives a lot out. (9) An ornament consisting of a grotesquely carved figure of a person or animal (8) Private book in which to express deep emotions. (5) 2 or 3 spare cards from a pack. Used in poker. (6) String instrument. (6) The motion of a vessel on water, impelled by wind (7) Tiny, Little. (5) Two items of the same kind (4) Largest Continent on the Earth (4) Sodium Chloride Used for seasoning (4)