Harry’s Hedonistic Hotspots

by Harry Mills

Vmarkt Vegan Supermarket Zevenwouden 238, Utrecht

Cost: €(€€)

Price to Calorie Ratio: Variable

I’m not going to lie guys, it’s tough writing a food column in the Coronacene. With most restaurants having been shuttered up for the last six months I’m missing that classic restaurant ambience… the low lights and the soft music, the clink of glasses and the rustling of chairs, the snatches of conversation punctuated intermittently by clandestine whispers and bursts of unbridled laughter. Now, in their place, there is only the drone of the moped, the piercing trill of the bell, and the sad rustling of paper bags and plastic forks.

Do not despair, however, for there is an antidote for this gastronomic recession in which we find ourselves… good ol’ home cooking (one could call it dwelling cooking, but one should not). Now, before you put this down, thinking you do plenty of home cooking nowadays anyways and don’t need some dude telling you how to boil pasta, I’m not talking about bland, deformed carbohydrates coated in green sludge. I’m talking about a real FEAST, one rich in flavour, texture, and experience (but at the same time reasonable in price). I’m talking about… loaded fries. (Quick disclaimer that the loaded fries you are going to read about were inspired by Freddy’s Comfort Food in Rotterdam, column pending).

Let’s start at the bottom––not with the fries, but with the table. So, the first thing you’re going to want to do is grab your nearest Dutch friend and have them coat your table in tinfoil (this is likely to inspire an intense and somewhat perplexing blend of excitement, nostalgia, and even nationalism, so handle with care). Next, you’re going to shovel about two bags worth of fries onto the table (if your mother asks, these have been cooked via airfryer); extensive research has suggested that a mix of waffle and curly fries is optimal. Once the crispy, golden foundations of your culinary edifice have been laid, it’s

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time for the protein. At this juncture, two paths lay ahead of you. On the one hand, you can go for the classic chicken thighs, fried to a succulent golden brown. On the other hand, you could go for a vegan option; seitan, to be precise. And now, a word from our sponsor (jokes, I wish… @capitalism please give me free food)…

Are you a vegan? Have you ever wanted to try vegan food? Have you never wanted to try vegan food because you don’t believe that it could ever be as good as its animal based equivalents? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of those questions then you’re in luck because a vegan supermarket just opened up less than 15 minutes away from UCU. Chock-a-block with vegan goodies––candies, condiments, meat and dairy substitutes, baked goods, and even a nacho pizza (in case one of your Italian friends has annoyed you recently)––Vmarkt is the ideal destination for anyone keen on a plant based pilgrimage. More germane to our loaded fries, Vmarkt stocks seitan, a type of wheat gluten which, when combined with veggie stock, yields a surprisingly realistic meat substitute that can be cooked in any manner of ways; for the purposes of the loaded fries we’re going for, well, fried.

Either of these two protein options are going to be coated––nee, slathered––in the sweetest, sourest, goodest kimchi honey butter sauce you’ve ever tasted (if you’re going completely vegan, just use vegan butter) before being draped elegantly atop the fries. Since these are loaded fries, we’re adding another sauce; this time it’s a molten cheese sauce (vegan version also sold at Vmarkt). Finally, adorn this glorious pile of goodness with a dusting of finely chopped spring onions and a smattering of toasted sesame seeds. And there it is, a feast worthy of Obelix. Before you tuck in, be sure to dim the lights, set your favourite Tiny Desk playing in the background, and bring out a couple drinks for you and your friends. Let the munching and mirth begin.