Volume 62 Issue 22

APRIL FOOL’S EDITION FOR THE WEEK OF TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

Highlander

Now presented

by Taco Bell

University

Volume 62

of

C a l i f o r n i a , R ive r s i d e

Issue 22

Serving the UCR community since 1954

www.tacobell.com

@TacoBell

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Taco Bell

Taco Bell

Obama to deliver commencement speech at UCR, ditches UCI

SOM CHATURVEDI Contributing Writer

In a press conference on Monday, President Barack Obama announced that he would be moving the location of his 2014 commencement speech from UC Irvine to UC Riverside. The commencement speech was originally intended for UC Irvine to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the university, along with honoring the “accomplishments” and “diversity” of its students and class.

“To be, uh, completely honest, I believe that this commencement speech can be inspirational for the world. And I, uh, just don’t believe that UC Irvine suits my message,” explained Obama. “The point is, Joe and I wanted to indulge in some bodacious activities after the ceremony if you know what I mean, and well … UC Irvine is known for being sober and boring.”

Obama is also aware of the notoriously filthy conditions of UCR’s Orbach Science Library during finals. During his commencement speech, Obama is said to emphasize the dire need for all students to have an adequate healthcare plan. According to the president, the library “needs a package of Obamacare.”

Additionally, Obama’s visit to UCR was planned to resolve the cancellation of the 2014 Heat Music Festival. “I, uh, haven’t seen something that unrighteous and downright irresponsible since those Republicans shut down our government,” Obama commented, adding that he was outraged at not being able to see Childish Gambino, a rapper that he can “relate to.”

VINCENT TA & CAMERON YONG / HIGHLANDER

Step aside, UCI Anteaters, and prepare to eat President Obama’s dust as he makes his way to speak at UCR’s commencement instead.

UC Irvine’s Chancellor Michael Drake harshly criticized Obama’s flip-flopping decision, saying that the “efforts of the students, which include sending 10,000 postcards begging the president to speak at the ceremony, have been in vain.” The entire UC Irvine undergraduate class had even voted to change the school’s mascot, the Anteater, to the Toyota Prius, simply to woo the President who is known to be a strong supporter of green energy.

When asked about UC Irvine’s

disapproval of his decision, Obama shrugged it off, saying, “that’s the beautiful thing about America — we have the freedom and liberty to choose who we party with. I have the choice and autonomy to party with Schoolboy Q instead of computer science majors.” According to Obama, one of the major reasons that caused him to change his mind was the fact that “UCR keeps it real.”

“UC Irvine doesn’t, uh, have the same kind of diversity that UCR has. UCR has diverse racial groups, but more importantly,

UC Riverside becomes completely privatized BRANDY COATS Senior Staff Writer

This past spring break at an impromptu meeting, administrators of the University of California, Riverside were informed that winter 2014 would be its last quarter with public funding.

In a detailed manifesto, titled “My Plans for the UC,” written by UC President Janet Napolitano and published unexpectedly last week, the Board of Regents was demanded to adjust the UC budget immediately and cut all funds for UCR. The manifesto explained that UCR was no longer a “suitable investment” for the UC. According to the document, the Board of Regents had been secretly considering reallocating California tax dollars to the University

of California, Irvine since President Obama’s initial announcement to deliver a commencement speech.

Nonetheless, this left UCR administrators without an idea of how to finance the school during spring quarter and for the rest of eternity.

create a Craigslist ad to sell UCR departments. The ad went viral as soon as the Daily Cal caught on. Soon enough, major corporations jumped on the “dirt cheap” opportunity, as Walt Disney Company CEO Bob Iger explained it.

... Wilcox decided the only viable option was to create a Craigslist ad to sell UCR departments.

Due to the complete lack of state funding, UCR could not afford to formally support its departments.

Prior to stepping down from the university, Chancellor Kim Wilcox decided the only viable option was to

After the open auction of UCR departments, a detailed list of privatized departments was released on UCR’s official Facebook page. It just so happened that for the last eight years, the Walt Disney Company was attempting

to expand their assets and the auction gave them that chance. The corporation now owns property rights to the Bell Tower, the Associated Students Program Board (ASPB) and the Botanical Gardens, which now all fall under the “entertainment” section of the Walt Disney Company.

Iger stated in a press release that ASPB productions such as Block Party, Winter Soulstice and Spring Splash would now only feature former Disney recording artists to continue the “throwback theme of UCR concerts.” Some promised names included Hilary Duff and the Jonas Brothers.

Unfortunately for Disney, The Panda Restaurant Group also seized the opportunity ► SEE PRIVATIZATION, PAGE 6

it has diverse interests,” Obama said about the Orange County campus, which has too many “nerds,” or in other words, premedical school students and computer science majors.

“In a competitive day and age where humanities majors are being hunted and rooted out like baby elephants, it’s nice to see that UCR’s CHASS majors somewhat know what they’re doing,” said the president.

UC Riverside’s graduation ceremonies will occur from June 13-16.

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INSIDE: Editorial: UCR’s move toward private sponsorships is a stabilizing move for a public university.

OPINIONS

PAGE 9

FEATURES

PAGE 12

Elevate your stress and drop out of terror with the most thrilling ride UCR has been on. Ride the newest ride on campus, the Bell Tower of Terror.

The instant birth of Ciara’s baby was just one of the memorable moments of this year’s Heat.

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

PAGE 20

UCR adds a new intramural sport for the commuters of Riverside: competitive street racing.

PAGE 26

SPORTS

UPCOMING EVENTS

PAGE 2

STAFF

PAGE 9 PLEASE RECYCLE AFTER READING

2

NEWS

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

HIGHLANDER

First UC newspaper owned by Taco Bell SANDY VAN Senior Staff Writer

A Taco Bell “Live Mas” logo will be erected atop the Highlander newspaper office to welcome its new corporate management on April 5, according to Editor-in-Chief Michael Rios. At the cost of a nacho cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme, the Highlander was purchased by Jane Schmitt, CEO of Taco Bell. The privatization of the 60-year-old campus newspaper aligns with the decisions made by the UC regents last week to remove all state funding from UC Riverside.

“This is dope, yo,” Rios explained. “It was a collective decision within the Highlander Editorial Board.”

In reaction to the state divestment from UCR, the Highlander staff unanimously voted to end all reliance on student funding and advertising revenue, which they viewed as “unstable” and “shaky at best.” The Highlander began as an independent student media outlet from 1954 up until 2001, when students passed a referendum that allocated $1.50 in student fees

to support the newspaper. The newspaper is mainly funded through advertising revenue from local businesses to cover its overhead and printing costs.

Highlander staffers say a key factor behind the vote was the Crunchy Taco Supreme, which consists of premium seasoned beef, crisp lettuce, diced juicy, red, ripe tomatoes, real cheddar cheese and topped with cool reduced-fat sour cream, in a shell molded from nacho cheese Doritos chips.

Schmitt explained that she does not desire to interfere with the functions and operations of the Highlander, but rather seeks to improve it. “The best place to market right now is on college campuses,” Schmitt said. “That is where most of our customers lie. And the best way to reach out to students is through local media.”

In an effort to dominate all forms of campus media outlets at UCR, the Taco Bell corporation is launching extensive contract battles against competitive businesses, such as the Walt Disney Company for the ownership of ASPB. At the same time, the shift

VINCENT TA / HIGHLANDER

Murmurs of concern involving the Highlander are effectively silenced once students take a bite into a delicious Taco Supreme.

to private funding will mean that the Highlander will no longer remain an independent media source as it will fall under the jurisdiction of the Taco Bell corporation. Schmitt contends that advertising revenue may continue to serve as business donations for the Highlander, which will keep

hoto of of the the Week eek Photo

“Live mas, yo.”

- Highlander News Editor Sandy Van

Scan this QR code and visit us

Upcoming Events

geared toward the purpose of producing more efficient and time-sensitive content — effective fall 2014. R’bots will be extensively utilized for the purpose of gathering and reproducing all online information that may be considered “newsworthy” to the UCR community.

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APRIL

1

The Meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything 9:30 a.m. - 11 a.m.

The Well

“Build-a-Burrito” Workshop by Burritos by Panda 3 p.m. - 5 p.m.

PUB 302 North

2

Therapy Wolves 11 a.m. - 1 p.m.

Bell Tower

How to Land a Job in Beekeeping 2 p.m. - 3 p.m.

Entomology Research Museum

3

Looking for the Correct Blouse Buttons to Match Your Shoes 11 a.m. - 12:30 p.m.

PUB 265

Panda Express Weight Loss Program 11 a.m. - 1 p.m.

PUB Plaza

4

Working for Starbucks Post-Graduation: Orientation 2 p.m. - 4 p.m.

ARTS 121

Modern Family Viewing Party 5 p.m. - 7 p.m.

University Lecture Hall

5

Extreme Frisbee vs. Harvard 4 p.m. - 6 p.m.

Student Recreation Center Arena

Introduction to Writing in Comic Sans 5 p.m. - 7:30 p.m.

UCR Extension Center

6

Proper Panda Worship 8 p.m. - 4 a.m.

PUB Plaza

Chess Boxing vs. Yale 7 p.m. - 9 p.m.

Student Recreation Center Arena

7

Butts, Penguins and You 3 p.m. - 4:30 p.m.

PUB 302 South

Nyan Cat Watch Party 10 a.m. - 7 p.m.

PUB 302

Tuesday

Quotebook

its operations autonomous from the restaurant chain, but all print or digital media may not infringe on the goals of the restaurant itself.

According to a recent press release, all content produced by the Highlander newspaper will be generated

by R’bots — university robots

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Monday

at highlandernews.org

HIGHLANDER

NEWS

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

5

Wilcox quits chancellorship to become CEO of IHOP was a tragic waste, and he clearly missed his delicious, syrup-laden calling,” said Steven Skorheim, a graduate student.

“I just don’t understand any of it,” said John Jabberwock, a liberal arts professor.

“He hasn’t been chancellor for a full year, and he’s quitting because of his love of pancakes?

That’s just insanity.”

Wilcox delivered a formal apology and reiterated the need to follow his passion at the end of the day. “To all of the students that I have let down — I’m sorry,” said Wilcox.

“I truly am. I know that I made some really great pancakes (and) therefore I seemed like a ‘cool’ chancellor, like how many of you as kids had that one friend with a really cool mom.”

As a last ditch effort to save face at UCR, Wilcox will consider having an IHOP built in the HUB to expand the dining options and student employment on campus. “Maybe I could even get a few graduates hired as chefs and cashiers for local-based IHOPs? Postcollege adults have to start paying off their burgeoning debt somewhere!”

“In the past, I made a promise for education. Now I’m making a promise to help cook ARCHIVE / HIGHLANDER the best pancakes in Southern California,” ex- “Pancakes are the real future of America,” ■H remarked Chancellor Kim Wilcox. pressed Wilcox.

MEETINGS ON MONDAYS 5:15PM @ HUB 101

Kim A. Wilcox has announced that he is stepping down as chancellor of UC Riverside to become the head of the International House of Pancakes (IHOP) by midnight on Friday, April 4.

“I just can’t help myself,” Wilcox said. “I love making pancakes and waffles more than anything, even education itself.”

It is well-known that Wilcox had previously worked with University of California’s “Promise for Education” program to raise $10,000 in scholarship funds. Wilcox had sworn an oath that if the total funds were met, he would host a free pancake breakfast for the campus at the former upper HUB Plaza. With some assistance from UC Riverside’s Dining Services, an estimated 900 meals, including over 1,800 pancakes, were served to passing students and faculty.

According to Wilcox, something sparked within him that day.

“I was in the middle of serving a plate of pancakes to some seniors, when I suddenly became self-aware,” Wilcox stated. “I realized that I wasn’t happy as chancellor of a public university. I knew, then and there, that

making pancakes for others to eat — that is my true calling.”

Much of UC Riverside’s faculty went into an uproar over Wilcox’s decision, noting his success in the field of public education. One of the highlights from Wilcox’s career is his oversight of Michigan State’s academic success, where from 2005 to 2013 he helped expand the school’s two medical colleges and created the Residential College in the Arts and Humanities as well as the College of Music.

“I understand that a lot of people aren’t happy with my decision,” Wilcox said. “But after my free pancake breakfast, I immediately went to IHOP’s headquarters in Glendale, Calif., and Julia Stewart, their last CEO, was so impressed by my resume that she removed herself from her position and appointed me as the next CEO for the company.”

When asked if he knew who the next chancellor of UC Riverside would be, Wilcox replied, “I have no idea. I’m not involved in the field of state-funded education anymore,” he said.

At the same time, many students and faculty were divided on the issue.

“I have personally had the pleasure to experience Chancellor Wilcox’s pancakes, and I must say that his tenure as chancellor

WRITE FOR THE HIGHLANDER NEWSPAPER

NATHAN SWIFT Staff Writer

6

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

NEWS

HIGHLANDER

BRANDY COATS / HIGHLANDER

The university map above highlights a couple of the major corporations that have claimed ownership of the academic and non-academic departments on campus.

► PRIVATIZATION FROM PAGE 1

to monopolize the former Highlander Union Building (HUB) and all of its dining options and operations. Appropriately, the company opted to call the new center the Panda Union Building or PUB. Some upcoming restaurants include “Pizza by Panda” replacing La Fiamma and “Subway

by Panda” replacing Subway. Heat Music Festival would reportedly “have to be downgraded” due to lack of entertainment experience, according to Panda CEO, Peggy Cherng. Instead, Heat by Panda will host a large free sampling of its spiciest Kung Pao Chicken.

“At first I was bummed about Heat

by Panda, until I realized that this would save students a lot of money. This shows how privatization will benefit our school,” stated third-year business major George Shrub. “Without Panda Express, there’d be no Heat at all.”

Students also showed support for 7-Eleven, Inc. purchasing former Scotty’s convenience stores. First-year existentialist major, Danny Solomon, said, “I love that I

can grab a Four Loko and a pack of Camel Lights before class and Friday night before a party.” Though cigarettes and alcohol are now sold at UCR, their use remains banned on campus.

Nevertheless, students, staff and faculty members will be required to use oxygen tanks (brought to you by Home Depot) to meet the mandatory “smoke-free” policies across the UC system. UCR’s Office of Student Affairs is expected to launch a campuswide email next week with further information about the new policies on campus.

“Why am I at a university that expects students to carry oxygen tanks around?” opined second-year C major Wolfgang Beethoven. “I have enough trouble lugging my cello around for Apollo’s sake.”

Beethoven did not appear to be alone in his vexation; nearly 50 letters have already been sent to the Highlander in protest of the campus policy on mandatory oxygen tanks.

One of the most praised privatizations was Motel 6 purchasing UCR Housing and Residential Services. Pentland Hills, Lothian and Aberdeen and Inverness residence halls, along with on-campus

apartments, were all renamed “Motel 6 UCR.” Motel 6 located on Iowa Street and University Avenue was also added as a campus housing option.

“Living in Motel 6 UCR is way cheaper than living in Pentland. Plus, I can share a suite with my boyfriend and my parents can’t do anything about it,” stated an anonymous source.

Motel 6 UCR is one of the most expensive projects to take place. The owners of the Motel 6 franchise of the Inland Empire plan to reconstruct each facility and equip every residence hall with parking along with first-story rooms, stairsonly second floor access and off-white paint that is chipping away. In addition, Motel 6 UCR plans to integrate daily maid service, satellite cable and suspiciously stained sheets into each of its rooms.

Other academic departments were privatized by multiple corporations, including PepsiCo, Starbucks Corporation and AMC Theatres. These purchases were based on the highest bidder and excluded any mention of relevance to education.

Specific plans for any of the four UCR colleges have yet to be announced.

UCR’s privatization generated numerous responses from the local community, as well as other UCs. One random man walking on University Avenue by the name of North West said, “I love all the new places that opened at UCR. Four 7-Elevens within a mile radius and no police to kick me off campus! Sometimes, I take a little vacation and stay at Motel 6 with the kids.”

Other prestigious UCs such as Los Angeles and Berkeley applauded UCR’s complete privatization from a business perspective. On March 28, The UCLA Daily Bruin wrote an editorial attempting to persuade its own school to follow UCR’s footsteps and compared UCR to the “Mall of America.”

When ambushed by reporters from all media, UC President Janet Napolitano refused to comment on the situation.

However, the informal division of UC Riverside has sparked rumors of lawsuits for all names and logos affiliated with the University of California. Currently, administrators are considering allowing The Panda Restaurant Group to rename UCR. ■H

yo quiero taco bell

NEWS

HIGHLANDER

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

7

Existentialism offered as major, students question why any of this even matters DEVIN DESHANE Contributing Writer

Beginning in fall 2014, UCR will offer existentialism as a major under the College of Humanities, Arts and Social Sciences (CHASS) to meet the growing number of undergraduates — totaling 25 percent of all UCR students — who are still undeclared. Labeled as a philosophical movement emerging in the 19th century with such thinkers as Friedrich Nietzsche, Soren Kierkegaard and Fyodor Dostoyevsky, who opposed the intellectual climate of their day, existentialism emphasizes the passionate individualism of the human being in what can seem to be a discordant world.

The existentialism major began to pick up steam within the UCR community after fourthyear student Seymour Apple could not pick a major to graduate with. “After countless hours of searching through the campus catalog for majors, I just felt like I was having an existential crisis,” he expressed. “And then it hit me, that existentialism was the best major for me.”

It was then that Apple decided to draw up a student petition, calling for the institution of an existentialism major on campus.

With more than 15,000 signatures under his belt, Apple was able to appeal to the Academic Senate, which approved his request last week. When chair of UCR’s Academic Senate, Jose

COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

Students are dropping majors altogether after dabbling in the newly offered existentialism major.

Wudka, was asked why it would be offered as a major, he replied, “I thought it would be fun.”

With the major in full swing, courses such as Human Arbitrariness are set to be taught in the beginning of the 2014-15 academic year. Students will learn about such contemporary events as the Malaysian flight, which has left the world puzzled with 239 passengers missing. Students will also reflect on what is outside a human mind’s realm of rationality and one’s continuingly distant

relationship to the world.

Complications are quickly arising in establishing the major, however. Due to its anti-doctrinal nature, faculty members such as philosophy professor Dan Chickens argue over what kind of classes should be taught.

“Some faculty wish to teach the structures present in all human existence, such as fear, dread, anxiety, the absurd, hope and existence before essence,” said Chickens. “While I think others want to emphasize the power

of human development over rational and impersonal inquiry and knowledge that seem to put limits on human relations to the world.”

Still, members of the UCR community are skeptical about even having professors teach the classes, believing that this would be harmful to the students’ growth as they learn about what it means to be an authentic thinker. Many potential candidates applying to be a professor in existentialism turned the position

down, expressing the sentiment that existentialist thinking is in direct contradiction to the spirit and principles of the university.

Other applicants held the concern that the major itself would not prepare students for the job market.

UCR staff member Mary Ibarra is concerned that the major will have a negative impact on students. A national study on public colleges has shown that 12 percent of students who majored in the subject suffered clinical depression following graduation, and 17 percent committed suicide. Furthermore, 35 percent of all students who took existentialist classes at these select campuses ended up dropping out as a result.

With the major set to become available in the fall, second-year undeclared major Jose Reyes was initially enthusiastic that UCR would be offering existentialism. He planed to switch over as soon as possible. “I was originally a business student because my dad wanted me to make a lot of money, but my heart just wasn’t in it,” he said. “Existentialism has my name written all over it.”

However, after realizing what the major is about, Reyes now plans to drop out of school completely. “The university is just an artificial prison designed by the powers that be to put a check on human potential and create citizens of debt!” Reyes yelled out ■H as he walked away.

‘Reckless Riders’ do not give a shit about university policy

ANTHONY VICTORIA Contributing Writer

Last fall, a new policy was implemented at UCR to prevent the reckless riding of skateboards, bicycles or wheeled vehicles around campus. However, according to a campuswide survey released by the Associated Students of UCR (ASUCR), 87 percent of the student population are apathetic toward the ongoing effort.

“It’s a stupid policy, really,” said second-year history major Jerry Serrano. “No matter how much administration or other campus entities try to enforce it, people are still going to do whatever they want while riding. I sure am.”

The policy is part of a campuswide safety and security program developed by the Campus Safety Task Force. Measures that have commenced include bicycle security gates and lockers to reduce bicycle theft, as well as a campaign to raise student awareness on issues relating to thefts of student property and other criminal activity.

Under the policy, “reckless” is defined as using a wheeled vehicle on campus property “in a manner that endangers public safety, threatens university property or disrupts university operations.” It does not prohibit the use of skateboards, scooters or bicycles as general transportation. Staff, faculty and students who violate the policy will be reported to the Office of Student Conduct and the Academic Integri-

ty Programs. Violators not affiliated with the university will be asked to leave the premises.

“We just don’t want students to break their heads, that’s all,” said Chancellor Kim Wilcox. “The last thing we want to see is a poor kid spewing blood all over a bench. It would upset our morning stomachs.

Students wouldn’t want to eat my pancakes.”

Complaints have increased more dramatically since the policy’s implementation as most protests are aimed at removing it. The survey demonstrates that only 3 percent of students are in favor of the policy, while 10 percent see cell phone use as the real issue. In Serrano’s argument against the guidelines, the 28 incidents reported between Jan. 2012 and July 2013 are a result of what he says is “idiotic” behavior that should not stress campus officials.

“With all due respect to those in charge, students don’t really give a shit about this policy,” said Serrano.

“Most of us are concerned about the grades we receive and the amount of financial aid we have to get us by. I understand keeping us safe is a priority, but it’s a matter of boneheads just being more careful when riding a bike or a board and pedestrians not texting while walking to or from class. There are more serious issues.”

The Bell Tower, a popular hangout for skateboarders to perform tricks, has needed over $110,00 in repairs since 2005, due to the dam-

ARCHIVE / HIGHLANDER Students couldn’t care less about UCR’s reckless riding policy as they continue to ‘shred it’ around the Bell Tower.

age caused to its tiles. But to fourthyear beekeeping major Hugh Janeus of nearby Moreno Valley, enforcing such a “reckless riding” policy is a waste of time. He believes that locations like the Bell Tower are meant to exist for what he says is the “art of skateboarding.”

“I love skateboarding. To me, it’s fulfilling, but to some it’s like psy-

chopathic activity,” he said. “Just like these people invest time into their laboratories and libraries, we invest time into this concrete jungle.

No matter how much you invest in replacing benches and tile, we will continue to come back in greater numbers. What’s more better than chilling with my dudes and having some laughs? “Isn’t that what you

want from us youth?”

For Serrano, riding at excessive speeds is a risk he is willing to take.

“If I get hurt, it’s on me. As a skateboarder or cyclist you have to fall some time. It’s like Jake Phelps said in John Cardiel’s “Epicly Later’d,”: ‘if skateboarding ever gets too scary for you, then you were never meant to skate in the first place.’”

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8

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

NEWS

HIGHLANDER

Random Junk Be sure to drink your Ovaltine!

Can you solve this unbiased word search?

Can you Sudoku?

Can you spot the differences in these pictures?

1

2

. OPINIONS .

OPINIONS

HIGHLANDER

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

9

HIGHLANDER EDITORIAL

I

CORPORATIONS BRING JOY TO UCR

n the last week, UCR has made perhaps the single greatest stride forward on the path to greatness in academia in its 60-year history. Although serving the underserved of California and the nation is a laudable goal, and opening the first new school of medicine in half a century is an astounding achievement, both pale in comparison to the success UCR has obtained, and will obtain, now that we have thrown open our doors to corporate sponsorships.

We admit it — the Highlander’s been skeptical of privatization in the past. We worried about the ethical issues of inviting corporations to campus. Wouldn’t it create conflicts of interest? Would they truly have our best interests at heart?

We didn’t know the answers to those questions at first, and that scared us; after all, humans have always been scared of the unknown. But when the Highlander talked to Taco Bell about a possible sale, the CEO of the company assuaged our fears. We need to balance our budget, after all — nobody can operate indefinitely into the future if they’re losing money, and there’s no reason to look to individuals, students, or especially the government to fund a public university anyway. Taco Bell provides us an opportunity to do just that, and continue serving the campus we love, but with a stable budget and 100 percent more advertisements for the delicious food you can eat at Taco Bell.

Frankly, we’re glad we took the pioneering step forward into a bright new era of tacofueled journalism.

The evidence of the positive change privatization can bring about is easy to see.

When you look around the UCR campus now, there is more diversity in dining options than ever before. Pizza by Panda is offering students a unique blend of Chinese-Italian cuisine, seen hardly anywhere else. Subway by Panda has expanded its offerings of sandwiches to nearly double what it was before, including unique Chinese fusion sandwiches. And with the transfer of ownership of dining services to Panda Express, students should prepare to face a smorgasbord of new and interesting Chinese dishes in the dining halls. Before, it was hard to find orange chicken ever in the dining hall. Now students can find it there all day, every day. Nobody can deny that students now have more food options available to them than ever before, a watershed moment for hungry students who have always clamored for more choice.

Beyond the sheer number of options we now have, there’s a lot more fun to be had on campus now too. We’ve dispensed with the old Bell Tower, a rickety relic of the past, in favor of an amusement ride that can make money for the campus; now, students don’t have to stray far to have fun. The new 7-Eleven in the Panda Union Building (PUB) is a great way to grab some grub and the design is much more modern, enlivening the shopping experience.

Partnerships with companies have provided students with more choice. It’s provided students with more fun. The overall UCR experience is a lot more enjoyable. The sound of a boring campus is long gone; in its place are the shouts of students enjoying Disney’s latest attractions and the laughter of students spending time at Panda Express by Panda.

Given all the success of privatization in the nonacademic realm, and the stability in funding and food we have received from Taco Bell, the best aspect of Chancellor Kim Wilcox’s recent moves is that the world of academia is privatized as well. Academia has been isolated from the influences of the

HIGHLANDER STAFF Editor-in-Chief

Managing Editor

Michael Rios

Colin Markovich

News Editor

Asst. News Editor

Sandy Van

Winnie Jeng

managingeditor @highlandernews.org

editorinchief @highlandernews.org

news@highlandernews.org

Opinions Editor

Colin Markovich

opinions@highlandernews.org

Asst. A&E Editor

A&E Editor

Rebecca Paredes

radar@highlandernews.org

Yasmin Kleinbart

Features Editor

Asst. Features Editor

Alexander Suffolk

Maxine Arellano

Sports Editor

Asst. Sports Editor

Darren Bueno

Cody Nguyen

Photography Editor

Asst. Photo Editor

Vincent Ta

Cameron Yong

features@highlandernews.org

sports@highlandernews.org

photo@highlandernews.org Staff Photographers

Kevin Dinh, Richard Lin, Will Huynh, Jason Lin, Laura Nguyen, Aaron Lai Production Manager

Art Director

Jake Rich

Brandy Coats

artdirector.highlander @gmail.com

productionmanager @highlandernews.org

VINCENT TA & CAMERON YONG / HIGHLANDER

real world for too long. Instead of producing research demanded by the public, professors fritter away their time engaging in studies that produce results of little practical value for the UC. For instance, we know where to find the oldest known galaxy in the universe, but what impact has that had? The announcement was made, written about and then lost to the sands of time. Why have we not commemorated the achievement? The physics department could have created T-shirts featuring the new galaxy, or UCR could have held a festival for Riverside residents to celebrate the discovery with food and drink. But dedicated to an obsolete notion of academics, UCR let this perfect opportunity to generate funding go. If PepsiCo was in charge of the physics department, this would not have gone to waste, and UCR would have made millions of dollars from the hard work of its researchers.

What’s more, the physics department can now spend its time on more worthwhile endeavors, such as discovering which combinations of syrups are the most popular with college-age students.

Some have worried that corporate partnerships will decrease the quality of education at UCR, but from what we have seen so far, it has been an astounding success.

Corporate sponsorships of the classroom have further allowed departments to purchase and integrate more technology than ever before, giving students a better, more interactive way than ever to learn. Every UCR student now gets a free iPad that can be used to track their grades, assignments and classes as a result of Apple purchasing the Office of Computing and Communications. These iPads are linked with iPads in the classroom to track student attendance, improving academic performance. Furthermore, by linking to a system in the Barnes and Noble bookstore, the system is able to identify which students haven’t purchased books from the bookstore and dock them points for failing to take their education seriously. After all, no company wants to be associated with a group of failing students.

There are numerous other benefits besides these, as well. In a time where it’s hard to find and keep a job, students have direct access to jobs after they graduate, with AMC Theatre majors having janitorial jobs available to them immediately after graduate (and even jobs at concessions if the GPA is high enough). More opportunities for research are available to students looking to set themselves apart from the crowd and create the next Adderall. Professors can take time away from writing grants to focus on teaching and research, since funding is already provided by department sponsors. And they don’t have to worry about coming up with a curriculum, since department sponsors will ensure there is a steady flow of new ideas coming into the classroom.

Perhaps best of all, UCR will no longer have to rely on the state to fund this public university. We’re getting all the money we need from private partnerships, and the whims of the state are now secondary to the university’s operations. Gone is the worry over state budgets and whether tax revenue will be sufficient to fund this public institution. The long march of progress, beginning with the passage of Proposition 13 and the subsequent reduction in tax collection, has reached its apex with the current status of UCR. UCR is leading the way forward for public universities everywhere, establishing a oneof-its-kind system where a public university has no public investment whatsoever.

Privatization has already done a wealth of good for UCR. That last, final barrier between academia and the real world has been broken, and we already see the wealth of benefits that has resulted. We have more choices, better professors, more interesting classes, and better access to technology than ever before.

All we had to do was take the public out of a public university.

■H Highlander editorials reflect the majority view of the Highlander Editorial Board.

They do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Associated Students of UCR or the University of California system.

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LEGAL The Highlander is published and copyrighted by the Highlander for the students, faculty and staff of UCR. All rights are reserved. Reprinting of any material in this publication without the written permission of the Highlander is strictly prohibited. Readers are allowed one free copy of the newspaper. For additional copies or for subscription information, please contact the Highlander. The Highlander fully supports the University of California’s policy on nondiscrimination. The student media reserve the right to reject or modify advertising whose content discriminates on the basis of ancestry, color, national origin, race, religion, disability, age, sex or sexual orientation. The Highlander has a media grievance procedure for resolving complaints against it. All inserts that are printed in the Highlander are independently paid publications and do not reflect the views of the Editorial Board, the staff or The University of California or the Associated Students of UCR. NOTE: THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE

10

OPINIONS

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

HIGHLANDER

Students who skip class deserve to be called deserters DAVID ALEXANDER MUÑOZ Contributing Writer

As the school year nears its end, UCR administrators have noticed a considerable decline in student attendance and focus.

Students are simply not as motivated to go to class once summer daydreams caress sleepy lecture halls.

However, UCR administrators are not taking this lying down.

In an effort to combat this drop in attentive students, the administration has implemented regulations that will divide the student body into two groups.

Students caught skipping class will now be labelled “deserters” and students with no missed classes will be labelled “better.”

Students guilty of desertion are forced to either own up to their injustices against the university or be hunted by a pack of bounty hunters hired by the school.

UCR officials have high hopes that this new system will inspire ambition in both the students and the bounty hunters. These new regulations sound like a blast — like having all the action and fun of the Hunger Games but with 10,000 times the people.

Once a student is labelled a “deserter,” restaurants and stores on campus will charge double, no university housing will lease to them, and their GPA will be cut, permanently, by one point for every class missed; a fair price for such a treasonous act.

Students who don’t miss any class need not worry, so long as they keep their attendance spotless.

While splitting the student body into two classifications may seem like a drastic change for most UCR students, it can induce healthy competition on campus; a kind of natural selection for the studious. In our current day and age young adults face little adversity. While

DANIEL GARCIA / HIGHLANDER Students who skip classses deserve to be shunned from society and left to fend for themselves on the streets of Iowa Avenue.

the Middle Ages threatened deserters with beheading and the Civil War flogged soldiers who went AWOL, today’s society seems to reward its unruly youth with undeserved distractions from the grim reality of life.

Instead of preparing young adults for the kill-or-be-killed, cutthroat atmosphere of the adult working life, our society pushes the cold, hard facts to the back of young minds and presents them with mediocrity in the form “comfort” and “compassion” and “smartphones.”

At a young age, kids believe there is a safety net to catch them when they fall and it isn’t until they’re on their own that they realize that life isn’t made of plush and perfume — it’s dark and brooding, made of sandpaper and fire ants; like a prison, you shouldn’t go in thinking you’re in for a good time, because then you’d most likely be the one to get shived at lunchtime.

By threatening desertion, UCR

can move away from the boring academia to instead make successful human beings that crush those that stand in their way — not nerds, but warriors.

Although these regulations were just implemented at the start of spring quarter, there are already bands of deserters occupying remote locations, or “refugee camps” on campus.

Deserters may as well be outlaws, so for the safety of the student body, “better” students should steer clear from the company of deserters. UCR officials expressed that “better” students shouldn’t mingle with “deserters” at all, as it would threaten the moral fabric of campus. So it is best to either heckle deserters or, better yet, throw tomatoes and stones at them. This type of hierarchy is something that has been missing in contemporary, democratic society. There is too much tolerance and not enough elitism in campus life. College is the time to get wild — not book-

wild or party-wild, but jungle wild, half-naked, battle cries in the night, dancing around a fire, boar’s-head-on-a-stick wild.

By cracking down on students that skip class, UCR is shunning the “don’t worry, you’ll get it next time, bud” mentality schools mistakenly teach and taking the first step back into the strict “follow the rules or die” mentality that got our civilization to where it is today. Think of how the U.S. government bravely journeyed westward, trampling over the Native Americans to build life anew, or how the Spanish Inquisitors crushed treasonous citizens and purified the country. These triumphs can happen on our very own campus, UCR can continue this tradition of only the fittest survive and can make history once more. That is what desertion regulations offer UCR students: the opportunity to build our academic prowess upon the skulls of our peers’ vanquished education.

Our new stratified campus will spawn a new breed of student, one who is tempered with remorseless determination.

Desertion is merely the beginning to our campus toughening its students, like a breath of harsh smoke in an atmosphere plagued with fresh air. After all, the best students are like soldiers: for them to achieve their true potential, you need to give them a (metaphorical) pile of their enemies’ corpses so they can climb to the top of the educational food chain. All of this may sound pretty villainous to a regular class-skipper, but that is the way of everyday life.

You need to be willing to face your mistakes in the form of a sword in the gut rather than a medal for “participation.” It’s for the greater good in the end.

Survival of the fittest is a fact of human life that is all but present in our country, and it’s about time we join the rest of the world ■H in its wonderful bliss.

Opinion Poll Yes or no?

Sara Lindsay, 1st year “Yes?”

C ompiled

Joshua Parks Political Science 2nd year “No.”

Frank Figueroa Political Science 4th year “No.”

Benjamin Moreira Business 3rd year “Yes.”

by

Donovan Kouthitaj Electrical Engineering 1st year “No.”

C ameron Y ong

Julian Hwang Economics 2nd year “Just because (Donovan) said ‘yes,’ no.”

OPINIONS

HIGHLANDER

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

HIGHLANDER WRITE-OFF

®

Sponsored by The United Society for Salmonella Rights™

GIF or GIF?

Pronounce it like peanut butter

Jif is peanut butter and peanut butter only

CAMERON YONG Senior Staff Writer

JAKE RICH Senior Staff Writer

“Hey, did you see that GIF of that cat dunking on Reddit?”

“I’m sorry. Did you say ‘gif?’ as in ‘gift?’ Isn’t it pronounced ‘jif?’”

Cue the awkward stares.

Here at the Highlander office, the editorial board is currently at civil war. Ever since GIFs have made a triumphant return due to the social media boom, the long-running debate over the accurate pronunciation of GIF has yet again returned. Is it pronounced with a hard or soft “g?” I believe that it is pronounced with a soft “g” — it’s a soft “g,” gosh darnit.

The GIF format was originally created by Steve Wilhite and CompuServe in 1987 to present a graphic of weather patterns.

The GIF format, much like everything in a computer, was created by a programmer. Programmers are well known for substituting their meals with quick snacks. Seeing that peanut butter is a vital programmer delicacy, GIF is simply a reference to the peanut butter brand (this article is brought to you by Jif peanut butter). It pays homage to the blood and sweat that Wilhite and CompuServe have put into this. It represents countless hours of coding and with a project such as this, it is hard not to have an inside joke that recognizes hungry hard-working programmers everywhere.

Some may argue that the “g” in GIF stands for graphics and therefore will pronounce the file type with a hard “g.” The word “GIF” is definitely the type of word that would be read before it is spoken, so people will continue to interpret the word on their own despite the fact that it’s just not right. GIF is pronounced “jif” much like gin, giraffe, giant, gentrification, gel, gibberish and Gillette (this article is also brought to you by Gillette men’s razors). The pronunciation of “g” depends upon the letter following it. Generally, the soft “g” is pronounced if the letters “i,” “e” or “y” are right after. The English language is a weird one; there are countless grammatical curveballs and the pronunciation of GIF is simply another wacky word.

On May 21, 2013, Wilhite was awarded a lifetime achievement award at the Webby Awards for creating the GIF format. During his acceptance speech, he flashed a GIF on the projector reading, “It’s pronounced ‘JIF,’ not ‘GIF.’” Additionally, CompuServe, the Internet company responsible for creating the GIF file type, distributed a graphics display program called “CompuShow.”

Inside the program was a GIF of the developer, Bob Berry. Hidden beneath the code of his GIF was a single comment line stating, “Oh, incidentally, it’s pronounced ‘JIF.’” Included in the same program was a FAQ section describing what exactly a GIF was: “The GIF (Graphics Interchange Format) pronounced ‘JIF,’ was designed by CompuServe and the official specification released in June of 1987.”

There you have it: the ultimate trump card. And with that, I command you to be free! Free from the oppression of the false pronunciation! You shall know it by the sound. Do not believe the lies that come from its mouth. This war is brutal. No one knows ■H when it will end.

“Come see this Jif!” my friend yelled from the other room.

Confused as to why exactly I would be interested in seeing a jar of peanut butter, I briskly walked in to see what was so special about this particular jar. Turns out he was talking about the file type called Graphical Interchange Format, otherwise known as a GIF. You know — the one with a hard “g?”

On May 22, 2013, Steve Wilhite, creator of the then-26-yearold format, declared that the shorthand term for the format should be pronounced with a soft “g,” similar to how you would say a specific brand of peanut butter out loud. Now I have nothing against the thick-headed idiots who pronounce it with a soft “g,” but how could anyone in their right minds think that a computer file format could ever sound legitimate being named after peanut butter? Furthermore, if Wilhite really wanted it to be pronounced “correctly,” he should have made more of an effort to spread his pronunciation, oh, I don’t know — 26 years ago?

As stated before, GIF stands for Graphic Interchange Format.

To be clear, “graphic” is pronounced with a hard “g.” It is not spelled, “jraphic.” To that, one may say that acronyms often do not adhere to their source words. However, it is not reasonably expected that every person on the Internet in its early days knew enough to research the 1987 CompuServe conference the GIF was introduced at and see its “correct” pronunciation. Linguistically speaking, words become part of a language as communities adapt them into common use, and it is not under anyone’s control what becomes the common pronunciation of a word — it is only what is usually the easiest or most popular way to pronounce it at the time. Therefore, even if Wilhite and his horde of peanut butterloving programmers said GIF was to be pronounced a certain way, the booming of a new culture on the Internet outweighs someone proclaiming a pronunciation is correct “because I said so.” Even the Cambridge dictionary, for both its U.S. and U.K. pronunciations, cites GIF with a hard “g” as the correct pronunciation.

So now that you spent your time nobly serving your favorite brand of peanut butter, come on over and see the “GIF”t you have been given. We won’t get mad at you, though you should know that you have offended the letter “j” for stealing its sound and giving it to “g.” JPEG would like a formal apology.

If Wilhite truly wanted it to be pronounced “JIF,” he should have spelled it that way. And if his ruling didn’t convince you to pronounce it like peanut butter, another powerful source should — the White House. On their official Tumblr page, the White House made a small graphic that clearly says, “Animated GIFS (Hard ‘G’).” That is clearly law. You can’t argue with that. To quote Reddit user Enderkr, on a thread discussing Wilhite’s pronunciation declaration, “Stop trying to make ‘jif” happen. It’s never going to happen.” So while you’re busy getting over your loss in the battle of pronunciation, I encourage you to go buy some Skippy-brand peanut butter at the store, make yourself a ■H sandwich and get over it.

The opinions expressed in the Opinions section belong solely to their corporate sponsors and do not represent the corporate sponsors of the Highlander Editorial Board or the corporate sponsors of the University of California, Riverside.

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12

. FEATURES .

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

HIGHLANDER

CAMERON YONG & BRANDY COATS / HIGHLANDER

The Bell Tower of Terror, brought to you by Disney, is the first ever campus-exclusive thrill ride. You should ride it. Also, “Frozen” is now available on blu-ray and DVD. You should buy it.

Dropping Students Faster Than Waitlisted Classes Maxine Arellano // Senior Staff Writer

H

ave you ever jolted yourself awake in the dead of night and muttered, “What if I don’t pass the final?” Or have you ever got the sweats with the thought of the senior thesis? Now, what if the “imagineers” of Disney took all those fears and used their magic to create a proper nightmare just for UCR? Don’t bother reaching for a paper bag to hyperventilate — it’s too late. Over spring break, while students tried to avoid waking up at 7 a.m., Disney collaborated with UCR officials to create UCR’s first-ever ride: the Bell Tower of Terror. That’s right, the 48-year-old eyesore in the middle of campus was transformed into a 161-foot free-fall ride, dropping at the speed of 60 mph. Take a journey with Chancellor Kim Wilcox as guests ride the terror of every student. The Bell Tower of Terror: the most thrilling ride UCR has been on.

The Bell Tower of Terror was born on Mar. 24, 2014 after eight years of planning. Plans and funds were kept hush-hush from students as UC board members wanted to keep it a surprise for UCR. Instead of remodeling the restrooms in the Rivera Library, however, funds were given to Disney to transform the boring landmark into a permanent ride.

The Bell Tower (a gift from former UC regent Philip Boyd in 1966) previously held 48 bells at 161 feet, with stairs leading to the peak. Disney then hollowed it out and put in a gondola type of car that shoots upward.

Some bells were removed so that the

car could gain access to the highest part, and, to see all of UCR, windows were cut out to peer out over the campus.

UCR looks even smaller when sprung up in the air.

The line for riders is strung across the grass between the Rivera Library and Watkins. Mickey Mouse’s theme song from the 1928’s “Steamboat Willie” episode whistles over waiting guests, transporting them to the past.

However, upon entering the ride, the chipper tune turns into the whistle of wind from a stormy night. At the head of the line stands a man in a pantsuit

bags, hopes and dreams.” He leaves the class with a good luck and, with the slam of the door, the lights go out.

For Watkins 1000, the loss of lights is not a surprise. But chills roll down spines from either the broken heater or from the flickering projector that reads “O-CHEM 1966.” Chancellor Wilcox’s voice is heard from above as he tells the story of five students from 1966 who were just like the ones in this class. Hands grip the desk in front of them as the car moves upward and the projector slides down to reveal a blackand-white image of five students sitting

Take a journey with Chancellor Kim Wilcox as guests ride the terror of every student. that looked like it was borrowed from Walt Disney himself, wearing the same eyeglasses as the hipsters in line.

The professor-looking man stands at a podium, allowing up to 15 riders to enter. The door opens to reveal a replica of one of the scariest places on campus: Watkins 1000. Leave it to Disney to replicate the lecture hall down to the stain on the seats that all students hope is from drool.

Once strapped into the chair, the professor from outside comes in.

Instead of a lecture, he instructs to hang onto all loose items “such as books,

directly in front of them. Go-go boots tap with frustration and hands clench the slicked back hair as they take an exam. Wilcox continues his story of the five who struggle with their final.

Suddenly, the car moves even higher with the song “Almost There,” from the Disney movie “The Princess and the Frog.” The car stops with a distorted film of the graduating class of 1966.

While the five from the class make their way to reach their diploma, the song continues: “Trials and tribulations, I’ve had my share / there ain’t nothin’ gonna stop me now ‘cause I’m almost — ” but

before the song can finish or diplomas are in their grasp, the car drops.

Gut in the throat and butt in the air, the students fall to maniacal laugh of Ursula from “The Little Mermaid.”

The car then bounces to a stop as Wilcox explains how the five now haunt the UCR campus in an eternal search for their diploma. As the car flies upward, ghosts of the students creep out of the corners of the Bell Tower. Students stretch as far back as they can before those go-go boots get any closer. The car stops with the view of the UCR campus as the students peer out from what was once the clock.

“Oohs” and “awws” turn into shrieks as they drop to the sound of the clock’s strike. Pummeling down, anxiety reaches a new level as exams and scantrons fly across the screen to the stress-inducing orchestra set of “Clock Strikes Midnight” from “Cinderella.”

Feet can’t even reach the ground before students shoot upward. The car pauses.

Nothing but the eighth chime and the taste of Panda Express coming up for seconds joins the disturbing long pause at the highest point. Instead of the 12th chime, though, Elsa from “Frozen” serenades our drop as we literally “Let It Go.” The car jolts to a stop as Wilcox warns the students that, “Next time you take a test, know that haunting UCR is always a backup plan.”

The Bell Tower is no longer just a meeting point for friends, but also to meet some … special students as well.

The Bell Tower of Terror is sure to bring new excitement and nightmares ■H to spring quarter 2014.

FEATURES

HIGHLANDER

Orange chicken on pizza is the new normal. Deal with it.

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

Vincent Ta / HIGHLANDER

Weekly Panda Update:

Pizza by Panda

brings pizzazz to UCR Colin Markovich, Senior Staff Writer / Rating:

T

he crowds of starving students coming back to UCR after spring break are in for a pleasant culinary surprise, because the long wait times and mediocre selection of the HUB has been tossed into the dustbin of history. In its place: the new-and-improved place for hungry students everywhere, the PUB (Panda Union Building). Burritos by Panda is now serving up meals to students in place of Habanero’s (which nobody really liked anyway). Did you know that the full name of Latitude is Latitude 55? Me neither, so it makes sense that Panda Express just did away with it in favor of the chic new name Destination: Latitude: Panda. Need catering for that on-campus event?

PUB2Go has you covered!

Perhaps the most eye-catching makeover is that of La Fiamma, now called Pizza by Panda. Isolated in the corner of the PUB, La Fiamma could be easily ignored by passerby, but that’s no longer possible. Giant signs depicting cartoon pandas holding half-open pizza boxes dangle from the rafters. Bolded arial letters announce to everyone passing by, “Eat at Pizza

by Panda!” and “Pizza by Panda wants you!” as their magnetic eyes pull students deeper, closer, into the comforting and fuzzy embrace of the panda.

Between the tempting scent of freshly made goodness and the colorful signage, it is simply impossible to avoid stepping foot in the PUB without being drawn to Pizza by Panda like pandas are irrevocably drawn to delicious sprigs of bamboo. Pizza

by Panda has kept the circular architectural design of its predecessor, but the boring brownish-yellow tiles splattered across the counter are now brighter, featuring adorable pandas gleefully ripping apart slices of pizza with maniacal eyes in a hunger-driven fury. The column in the center of the place has been repainted to celebrate the magnanimity of our new panda overlords, with panda silhouettes frolicking in the light of a rust-colored sky and a low-hanging sun emblazoned with the Panda Express logo, its rays shining out throughout the PUB to caress the faces of students.

Simple pasta and cheese pizza are no longer staples of the menu here. Boring refuse has no place on Pizza

by Panda’s menu, and lily-livered folks terrified of progress and innovation should stick to oatmeal and

Cheerios. Instead, Pizza by Panda has provided UCR with a unique Chinese-Italian fusion cuisine that puts five-star restaurants to shame. Among their pizzas is the Packed Panda, which overloaded my senses with its divine flavors and consummate mix of ingredients.

I couldn’t help but drool as I saw the juicy marinated beef, making me almost forget about the glistening honeyed shrimp intermingled with the plumpness of fresh green broccoli, the sheen of salted cashews and the nearly bursting bell peppers, all nestled atop a glorious spread of melted cheese. My eyes glazed over as I took the first bite and deliciousness enveloped my palate. The sweetness of the shrimp and the salt from

I let out a low, guttural growl of pleasure that turned heads throughout the PUB. But I didn’t care. I had eaten this, my daily panda, and I was awash in the feeling it brought to my hands and the solace it brought to my soul. the cashews were a whirlpool of flavor in my mouth.

Although I wanted to slowly savor each gourmet moment, the slice of pizza was quickly devoured in an ecstatic frenzy, bits of crust flying in the air. I dove down to the floor to grab them — wouldn’t want perfectly good food to go to waste.

As soon as I finished, I knew I had to come back for seconds. It was a difficult decision, but I ordered the Pizza Pandanifolia, advertised as “a vegetarian option for the panda in you,” with bell peppers, sliced onions, zucchini and bamboo shoots sprouting from a bed of pesto sauce. At first, I was skeptical that such a mishmash of ingredients would prove to be a worthy group of ingredients to follow the Packed Panda. But

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I was a fool to doubt the impeccable skill of the chefs at Pizza by Panda. The crunch of the zucchini and the onions were the delectable hallmarks of this superb pizza. The metaphorical cherry on top was the subtle earthiness of the bamboo shoots, which added dimensions of flavor beyond that of your traditional veggie plate, moving it from excellent to sublime and making me feel as if I truly was a panda foraging for bamboo in the wilderness. I let out a low, guttural growl of pleasure that turned heads throughout the PUB. But I didn’t care. I had eaten this, my daily panda, and I was awash in the feeling it brought to my hands and the solace it brought to my soul.

After two rounds, I was nearly full to bursting, but the Pandorange lured me back in with its promise of dessert-like sweetness to balance out the previous dishes. Small, bite-sized chunks of orange chicken were mixed in with cubes of pineapple and eggplant atop pizza dough lathered with sweet-and-sour sauce.

As my teeth sank into the slice, I instantly realized that I had made the right choice and began voraciously ripping it apart, much as a panda would not hesitate to dismember a human whose presence defiles the panda’s sacred home. Oftentimes, restaurants layer on the sugar, mistakenly believing that more is better. The Pandorange instead offered a delightful blend of sweetness with tanginess from the pineapple and sauce. I later felt dizzy and nearly fainted (a check with my doctor confirmed that I had come down with instant diabetes) but that is a small price to pay for such a marvelous pizza pie.

Given the success of Panda Express in transforming the expensive and boring Honor Roll sushi bar into the boba-serving and on-the-spot sushi-making Sushi by Panda, Pizza by Panda is a no-brainer. Inviting Panda Express to take over dining is just the decision UCR needed to make to spice up the lackluster food offerings that have been forced onto students for years. Panda Express has shown that it knows how to run a successful business and it would be heretical to imagine that the PUB’s newest acquisition will do nothing but earn lots of money for Panda Express.

And even more students will find their way into the arms of the panda, and learn of the sheer delight a ■H slice of Pizza by Panda can bring.

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TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

FEATURES

HIGHLANDER

THE UNIVERSAL HOUSES OF CALIFORNIOS

BY SER

ALEX AND

ER SUFFOLK, SWORD

OR N M E H T OF

I NG

HOUSE HIGHLAND OF RIVER’S LANDING

HOUSE AGGIE OF DAVISFELL

HOUSE SAMSLUG OF CRUZ CASTLE

“Ours is the Side”

“Cows are Coming”

“As High as Mountains”

The powerful family of the current king, Wilcox Highland, first of his name, may glory be unto him. An old house that grew much of its original power from its bountiful citrus groves and mighty tartan-clad warriors.

House Highland rejoiced in River’s Landing’s ability to aggregate peoples from many lands, but for ages it was mocked by other houses as a land of the dejected, giving their keep the condescending title of Reject’s Landing.

However, House Highland steadily grew to rival

that of their bitter rivals, House Longsnout, and even House Gaucho. And in recent years, House Highland ascended to the Iron Throne, and is now home to the most elite of Californios rather than the rejected. Powerful ties to powerful guilds like that of the Panda and Omnipotent Mouse allowed House Highland to rebel against the tyranny of the previous ruling dynasty, House Regent. And whose side won? Our side. Ours is the Side of victory. And so they are our words.

The northernmost of the Universal Houses, they are one of strength that is almost as excessive as their feeling of superiority.

Being so far north, they are one of the only Universal Houses that can experience the strange sky substance known as “snow” and the winds of a queer time called “Winter.” Once upon a time, they were matched only by House Bruinster and House Oskigold in power and prestige, but the old gods and the new seem to favor the southern lands and their lack of “hella,” and thus House

Triton and House Gaucho rose to a greater power. The proceeding game of thrones between all the southern lords oft leaves House Aggie commonly forgotten, though only fools completely discount their worth. House Aggie is also the only House that holds agriculture dear to them, and much of their lands are pastures, which attract hordes of bulls and cattle that proceed to wipe out everything in their destructive dairy-laden wake. Thus their words are ones of warning: “Cows are Coming.”

A peculiar house that prefers their solitude and enjoyment of nature rather than participating in the game of thrones that the other Universal Houses engage in. Their seclusion is as thick as the woods that surround their mighty keep, and thus they are shrouded in mystery. No man alive knows why they chose a slug as their sigil; sneering southern

lords call it an embrace of their meek nature while neighboring smallfolk claim that the creature is a staple in some foul magic that House Samslug engages in, accusing them of witchcraft and exploration of other worlds.

Regardless, they keep to their mountain lands and they keep to their trees, and so they are As High as Mountains.

HOUSE TRITON OF SAN-DORNE-EGO

HOUSE GAUCHO OF THE BARBARA COAST

HOUSE OSKIGOLD OF BERKELEY GARDEN

“Undisputed, Undefeated, Undergraduates”

“We Do Not Slow”

“Semesters, Business, Honor”

The most southern Universal House and a powerhouse of the sea, who honor a drowned god by taking his weapon as their sigil. Like House Aggie and House Samslug, they live in seclusion apart from the other warring lords, but where those other two are stagnant in their solitude, House Triton has only prospered. Their prowess in war and wealth is ever-growing, to the point where they are at the same

level as House Bruinster and House Oskigold, though hardly any pay that fact any mind. That prowess, whilst not at the tip of every tongue, is nonetheless undeniable, and so they are Undisputed.

There’s hardly a battle they have ever lost, and so they are Undefeated. And their pride and joy comes at a considerably young age — Undergraduates. And these three words make their motto.

House Gaucho sits upon the bay and has great command of affairs with the sea, a command only rivalled by House Triton to the south.

They have managed to keep their power steady, never reaching the ranks of the highest of lords or sitting upon the Iron Throne, but also never falling in the lower echelons. But above all, they are known as

a festive people, whose debauchery is known throughout nations and is unceasing, and people from all across the land hear tales of and go on pilgrimages to the Barbara Coast for the celebrations of Hallow’s Eve. The constant speed at which they celebrate, broken only by moments in which it increases, gives them their words “We Do Not Slow.”

The oldest Universal House in all of Californios, and often considered the strongest and most prestigious — a title they would hold unquestionably were it not for House Bruinster, and of course, the now royal House Highland. Their age has made them a prideful people, and they remained a kingdom independent from Californios for a considerable time. But old age comes with old ways, and old ways

are stubborn to die off, and thus they keep to an archaic form of cycles in the year.

Their northern environment engages them in an appreciation of trees like that of House Samslug, although they oft produce shrewd businessmen that only those of House Highland can ever compare to. Their old ways, their economic values and the strict codes by which they live is reflected in their simple words: “Semesters, Business, Honor.”

► SEE UNIVERSAL HOUSES, PAGE 17

FEATURES

HIGHLANDER

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

17

► UNIVERSAL HOUSES FROM PAGE 16

HOUSE TACBOB OF MERCEDIA

HOUSE LONGSNOUT OF IRVANT HILL

HOUSE BRUINSTER OF ANGELES ROCK

“Growing Strong”

“First in Battle”

“Hear Me Score”

The youngest of all the Universal Houses, whose quick ascension to lordship has been looked down upon as a mere up-jumping by the other Houses.

All lords of the other Universal Houses are at constant odds with one another over who is more dominant over whom in this or that manner; however, the one thing they can all agree on is that House Tacbob is the lowest of the low in every way. But maybe this is more a matter of

their youth as opposed to being baseborn or inferior as other high lords might sneer.

House Highland, after all, was once considered the lowest of the Universal Houses, and now it sits upon the Iron Throne. The words of House Tacbob are “Growing Strong” and their sigil is a small cat, so maybe in time, this young cub will indeed grow strong into a proud lion. And lions, as we all know, have sharp claws.

Those of House Longsnout are a quiet people from a quiet land, but that never made them any less determined. They are the closest Universal House to House Highland, with Irvant Hill being less than a day’s ride from River’s Landing, and they have much in common with House Highland. One might think that such proximity and similarity would bring about strong bonds, but this is Californios, where friendship carries little worth compared to power and prestige, and so House Longsnout and House Highland became bitter rivals. Throughout the

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battles of old and jockeying for power in the past, House Longsnout seemed to be just a few steps ahead of House Highland, but it only takes a few steps to become first in some races. And so they adopted the motto “First in Battle,” and then took the anteater as their sigil, for they claimed to be the all-powerful beast casually eliminating the pests around them. But pride prevents progress, and in only a matter of years, House Highland, the rivals House Longsnout deemed lower than themselves, rose up and now sit upon the Iron Throne.

The wealthiest and most notorious of all the great houses. Oft when folk think of the Universal Houses of Californios, this House will be at the forefront of their minds. The world over is envious of their prestige and wealth, though those part of this great house can also often turn out to be arrogant and prideful to a fault, blind to the worth of the other Houses. And though they do not sit upon the Iron Throne, their influence is vast

and palpable. Their castle is the biggest of all the other houses, and is only preceded in age by that of Berkeley Garden, the home of House Oskigold. But there is no denying that the warriors of House Bruinster are some of the finest, as they are perpetually engaged in a bloody rivalry with another strong house near Angeles Rock, House Troy.

Their constant battling and frequent victories gives them the proud words ■H “Hear Me Score.”

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FEATURES

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

HIGHLANDER

Therapy Fluffies in Need of

Puppy Therapy T

By Brenna Dilger, Staff Writer

he cute, affectionate puppies that bound onto campus at the end of each quarter provide a delightful form of stress relief for students battling finals week meltdowns. But it has recently been revealed that these poor pups are suffering some serious PPTSD (Puppy Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) after being exposed to squealing college students for several hours.

At first, it was assumed the pups benefitted from the excess attention of students, but it now appears that the attention levels they received were skyrocketing to damaging altitudes. The dogs that were involved in the Therapy Fluffies program exhibited odd signs after the ordeal; for instance, many of them began to react strangely to collegeage individuals. The very sight of a skateboard sent them running in the other direction, seeing a belly shirt or snapback stopped them dead in their tracks and hearing words like “doe,” “hashtag” or “swag” caused them to whine uncontrollably.

Dr. Dick Sacha of the University of California, Riverside Pet Therapy Program described these panicky

COURTESY OF FLICKR You could call it PPTSD, or just college stress for these furry friends who seem to be suffering from their de-stressing services.

reactions as PPTSD flashbacks.

“The dogs see something that reminds them of their experience and they become agitated,” he declared.

“They may be transported back to the terrifying moment, when all sorts of hands were turning their faces for pictures, all forms of students were using baby-voices to speak to them and torrents of bodies kept pouring toward them when they just wanted to take a dog nap.”

The pups also exhibited an odd symptom in which they would retreat from very specific noises, like “aww” or “ohh.” Sacha explained to me why this was. “The ‘awww’ of a college-age woman has a very particular pitch,” he clarified. “Too much of this sound will unnerve the dog and an extremely excessive amount of this sound may cause the dog to develop an aversion to any sounds with the same pitch.”

I was unfortunate enough to witness the puppies in their state of post-traumatic stress when I entered the Puppy Therapy Facility in Riverside to interview Sacha. Here, the pups were fidgety, restless and easily provoked by anything college-related. My presence set off a chain reaction of intense canine panic, and all of them shied away from me in fear, detecting my level of education and age through their highly perceptible

sense of smell. It was heart-breaking to see the pups in so much horror at the mere sight (and smell) of me.

These dogs have really experienced a traumatic ordeal, a fact made painfully evident by their reaction to someone as harmless and kind as me. But, there is still hope.

Steps are being taken to recondition the dogs to be able to trust college students again. To accomplish this, the puppies are undergoing intensive puppy therapy at the Riverside Puppy Recovery Center. Their therapy involves bringing in articles that will remind the dog of college students (headphones, backpacks, laptops etc.) and teaching the dog that these things are harmless. Once the pup is used to these items, they will be ready to be exposed to actual college students and will learn to trust them through engagement.

I witnessed a trial run of this treatment with Chug the pug, an adorably smoosh-faced pup that was experiencing a specific form of PPTSD. His picture was tweeted, Instagrammed, and Facebooked so much during the Therapy Fluffies event that he developed an irrational fear of iPhones. To help him recover, trained puppy specialists created an Instagram for Chug and accumulated several followers for him. To reinforce the benefits of the feared device, these specialists took photos of Chug and posted them, then showed Chug all the likes he was accumulating! This surge of popularity and validation was meant to make Chug feel more comfortable with the Apple product. Only time will tell if Chug will embrace this new social media community and be able to overcome his fear.

“It appears the cuteness of these dogs was their downfall,” puppy therapist and trainer, Dana Ratchet, said. “It’s understandable, though.

Often, I have to suppress my own impulse to squeeze their adorable faces. College students have even less of a capacity to control themselves around puppies, especially cute ones like those in the Therapy Fluffies program. It’s just hard to have such adorable puppies in the same vicinity as puppy-crazed students.”

After this year took its toll on the mental health of the puppies, the program is being re-evaluated.

It is speculated that next year, the Therapy Fluffies will indeed return, but with dogs that are of a lower caliber of cuteness. However, all of this is still being discussed by puppy therapists across the country. For now, we simply hope for a swift recovery for all of our UCR Therapy Fluffies.

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HIGHLANDER

@highlanderradar

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

R adar ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Events this week Tuesday | 4/2

Wednesday | 4/3

Thursday | 4/4

Friday | 4/5

Ciara Apology Tour @ Watkins 1000, 7 p.m.

Open Mic @ Physics 2000, 8:30 p.m.

Finger Painting Exhibit @ Olmsted Bathrooms, 6 p.m.

Some Dude’s Guitar @ Bell Tower, 7:30 p.m.

Madeon will no longer be returning to UCR after breaking the no-smoking rule.

VINCENT TA / HIGHLANDER

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

HIGHLANDER

Babies, Cigarettes and Heat

By Juan Eduardo Flores, Staff Writer

From Ciara giving instant birth to the unexpected arrest of Madeon, this year’s Heat was one to remember.

Contrary to his audience’s expectations, Childish Gambino’s set sought laughs, not grooves.

A

beautiful March 1 — a prime day for what would certainly be a memorable night for all of Heat’s attendees.

People were lined up for days, wearing sweaters in preparation for the weather.

Childish Gambino, Ciara, Portugal. The Man, the Neighbourhood and Madeon — a little bit of everything for everyone. And yet, after so much hype and expectation that our Heat Music Festival was sure to deliver, nobody was prepared for what the night would bring: babies, arrests and an unfunny headliner.

Madeon, the 19-year-old French native and house musician, brought a few too many extracurricular items to his performance. The DJ had the crowd in a frenzy after he’d been jamming hard on his laptop for 20 minutes following an uproar of an introduction. Many people were seriously wondering how many hours of musical practice this young man could have possibly fit into his life at such a young age. The precise laptop scrolling, keyboard searching and timely clicks really brought to life the unique instrument that Madeon calls his 15-inch Macbook Pro. Unfortunately, the show would not go on for much longer as Madeon decided to pull out a pack of Marlboro NXTs right onstage halfway through his set and decided to light it up. As many of you know, the UC system has a strict no-butts policy on cigarettes, and Madeon was its first victim.

The crowd was outraged as soon as Madeon lit up, and demanded security to escort him offstage and as far away from campus as possible. Chants of “Hell no, we don’t smoke!” erupted from the crowd as they voiced their undying love of our UC policy. After the performance, I spoke with members of that crowd who all shared similar sentiments. “I mean like, we, like, all hate smoking in the UC system so like, get that out of my face,” said Alison Brie. Mad-

eon is now facing a $50 fine and a possible 9,001 hours of community service.

Before Madeon blatantly disrespected the Heat crowd, the night had been buzzing about what had occurred while Ciara was onstage. The talented performer was known to be in the late stages of her pregnancy, and it had been a running joke prior to the festival that she’d give birth onstage. “Wouldn’t it be crazy if she had her baby onstage?” said everyone.

Now, I’m not saying that everyone at UCR is psychic, but right in the middle of performing her huge hit “1, 2 Step,” Ciara gave instant birth to Nayvadius Prince Wilburn II. It at all went down a little something like this: “We about to get it on / Let me see you 1…” (baby) “2 step / I love it when you / 1, 2 step.” Just like the son of a performer would do, Nayvadius naturally stepped into his choreography and stayed onstage for the rest of the performance.

Wow! He showed flashes of future brilliance on “Body Party” and busted out his practiced womb moves on “Goodies.”

The crowd was shocked, recalling dancing tax babies in the early days of the Windows ‘98 Internet. Nayvadius was truly the star of the night, and after the show we nabbed an exclusive interview with him.

When asked about his future artistic endeavors, we got a burp before he dozed off to sleep. Concise and with a Kanye ego, be prepared for his return at Heat 2028.

Childish Gambino was the headlining act that UCR had been waiting for, and after years of demanding his presence, UCR’s prayers had been answered — sort of. As the last act of the night, Gambino took the stage to a rabid crowd as he walked up to the microphone and began to … tell jokes.

Donald Glover, the rapper, actor and comedian, had decided to test out his newest set on the UCR crowd.

The crowd wasn’t having any airline

VINCENT TA & JAKE RICH / HIGHLANDER

peanut jokes that night as they shouted over Glover with chants of “Gambino, Gambino.” The crowd dispersed in anger 10 minutes into his set, but only after they’d hurled insults and bottles onstage to a seemingly bewildered Glover. It seems like the only storms of the night came from the crowd thundering away and the rain came in the form of insults on Glover’s performance. In his defense, Glover said he was never billed as a performing musician for the night, and he actually wanted to bring his Gambino persona into the comedy realm. Such high

expectations, such low results.

Heat trudged on, filled with controversy and the excitement of life. Who knew that a running joke would become reality, and who knew that we would be seeing Donald Glover instead of Childish Gambino? There were solid performance by the other acts, but the night ultimately lent itself to outrageous occurrences. Gambino’s reputation certainly took a hit, Madeon will forever be hated by UCR and Ciara will continue to tour with her son, who just might outshine ■H her mother. Oh baby, what a night!

The precise laptop scrolling, keyboard searching and timely clicks really brought to life the unique instrument that Madeon calls his 15-inch Macbook Pro.

OSCAR HO / HIGHLANDER Despite giving birth on stage, Ciara was able to complete her routine alongside her newborn.

HIGHLANDER

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

21

Why the soundtracks of Shrek 1 and Shrek 2 are musical masterpieces that never die Score: 5 Onions

s I walked around Far Far Away Record Store, wallowing in the thought of never seeing our beloved Green One again, I suddenly heard a sound. “Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me,” the words proclaimed. Now, the Green One had certainly rolled me before, but I couldn’t be sure. As the words continued with, “I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed,” I knew at once they were talking about the shed in my swamp, and my eyes started ogre-flowing with green tears. Shrek is life. Shrek is love. I ran over to the soundtrack section and found his ogreness' first two soundtracks.

I immediately ran to the counter to buy them. Neither

Lord Farquaad nor the Fairy Godmother could stop me.

The first soundtrack’s songs revealed themselves to be as multilayered as both onions and the dear Green One. Smash Mouth’s cover of “I’m A Believer,” written at first as a secular pop song, was the band’s pledge to kick everyone out of their swamp and declare their reverence for Shrek. Evidence shows that the cover converted at least Shrek’s trusty steed, Donkey, as he sang the song at the end as well. The song “Like Wow!” also declares its loyalty as it says, “Everything looks bright / Standing in your light / Everything feels right.”

Shrek is life. Shrek is love.

The second soundtrack’s songs truly were the Puss’ Boots. More homage was paid

COURTESY OF DREAMWORKS

through a cover of “Changes” as the lyrics proclaimed, “Strange fascination, fascinating me / Changes are taking the pace / I'm going through.” Butterfly Boucher, who covered the song, was ogreviously fascinated with the changes Shrek had to go through to navigate the Kingdom of Far Far Away, convert Fiona to Ogreism and complete dedication to Shrektopia and its inhabitants. Shrek is life. Shrek is love.

When I went back to thank the store for spreading Shrekness all ogre the lands, I discovered that the songs were

no longer playing in the shop.

I ran to the counter to demand why the sweet scent of onions no longer wafted through the building. Shrek is life, Shrek is love, I told them. Variety, they said, Variety was needed to attract customers. As I started to put up posters of the Green One and His companions around the shop, they said I couldn’t do it. Private property, they said. Shrek is life, Shrek is love, I told them. Duloc is a more perfect place than this! How dare they shreksult his ogreness.

Next day, I returned to the

shop. Shop is permanently closed, it says. Ogriffic smells had permeated the building.

They should have checked themselves before they shreked themselves. Peering deep into the back of the shop, I hear “I’m A Believer” faintly playing. Shrek rises, ghost-like but still magnificently green and with swamptastic swagger. He looks directly in my eyes and whispers, “It’s ok, it’s all ogre now,” and instantly, I know it is. Onions sprout and fill the store, and I know my work is done. Shrek is life. Shrek is love.

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TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

HIGHLANDER

SNOOZER

By Marcelo Guardado, Contributing Writer CHARACTERS MARCELO: Second-year English major ALARM CLOCK: 3 years old, made in China Notes on MARCELO MARCELO is a second-year and confused undergrad who can’t figure out how to identify himself after enrolling at UCR. MARCELO is a great planner, decent executor.

SETTING The year is 2014, spring quarter. The story takes place in SOUTHRIDGE, a small neighborhood in the city of FONTANA, Calif. The town has seen better days, but on the bright side, a new Waba Grill is “coming soon” in the town’s only plaza.

DREAM 1 “Ideal” (The time is 5:59 a.m. and MARCELO is sleeping and dreaming with a look of ecstasy. He smiles lightly. He is having a perfect dream about all the memories he has had with all his beloved friends over spring break. He dreams of the lakes he visited, the countries he explored, the newly found love of his life and future baby momma he found, the river he did that cool wakeboard thing on and most of all, the parties he attended in Mexico, similar to the SPRING BREAK edition of MTV. At least, that’s how MARCELO envisioned the parties as a child during his grade school years, growing up with a remote in his hand.

From the ALARM CLOCK, Bone Thugs-N-Harmo-

ny plays in the corner of the room.)

ALARM CLOCK: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

It’s the first day of sch — !

(Suddenly, the ALARM stops because the SNOOZE button has been hit by what sounds like THOR’s hammer. MARCELO wakes up slowly.)

MARCELO: Ugh. Already? Good thing I set my alarm a little early.

(MARCELO goes back to sleep, assuming he has plenty of extra time before the first lecture of spring quarter.)

DREAM 2 “Truth” (MARCELO now sleeps with a strained look on his face. He seems to be experiencing what looks like the reality of his spring break this year. He is envisioning himself on the couch, watching THE WALKING DEAD, THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR, and POKEMON every night since it is finally on Netflix. He envisions that one mediocre attempt to go out on a “school night” with friends over spring break, which failed.)

ALARM CLOCK: (abruptly) Wake up! Wake up!

(Snooze button is pressed with force similar to the DEATH STAR in STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE.) DREAM 3 “Hope” (MARCELO starts to look discomforted as he dreams of all the difficult quarters of school he has had.)

Marcelo: The education was not difficult, I just know I have been lazy and have not dedicated my entire self to school yet.

Maybe this quarter will be different. But

that’s what I say every quarter.

ALARM CLOCK: Wake up!

(Snooze button is pressed with force similar to an alley-oop from Kobe to Shaq in 2002.)

DREAM 4 “Reality” MARCELO: (half asleep and mumbling) “I don’t know if what I’m studying is to be rich or to be happy. I’m scared of my future because it doesn’t exist, yet. Being scared of my future is like being afraid of Godzilla, only I know for a fact that Godzilla is not inevitably going to become my reality. I don’t know why I am an English major, but I’m not going to lie to myself and be something I hate. My future will play itself out and my loans will be paid one day. I will be able to provide for my parents, family and friends and I know my God will bring me wherever He decides. I am hopeful. I am hopeful that my parents came to this country before my birth to assure this future I am now living. I’m just not sure if I’m doing my part. I don’t know what I’ll become one day and cannot show you my future W-2 forms, but I am young, I am smart and I will do things right this quarter. No more distractions. No more games. I will make my parents and loved ones proud. I’m pretty stoked about this quarter now.”

(MARCELO wakes up and checks the time on his phone. He has overslept and hit the snooze button 10 times. He has 10 minutes until his first lecture at UCR.) H FIN ■

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

HIGHLANDER

What is Not Noir?

COURTESY OF STARBUCKS

“You’re just missing a cigarette.”

The voice erupted in front of me like a squirt gun to the heart. I looked up and saw a man that could only be described as svelte, a word which I have never spoken but have read many, many times. It means “(of a person) slender and elegant,” and this man — in his slim-fitting jeans and black turtleneck — was all lines and right angles.

“I don’t smoke,” I said.

He said nothing. He sat across from me and stared out the window with his chin in his pale palm.

I coughed. I did not remember inviting him to sit. He took out a Moleskine notebook and a stainless steel flask. He took a deep pull of whatever liquid sloshed within it and coughed, violently. I blinked. You can’t drink booze at Starbucks. I should tell him that.

“I’m a rulebreaker,” he said, and planted the flask next to my latte.

He tipped his chin toward my tooexpensive laptop and spoke roughly, whether from the whiskey or the coughing I couldn’t tell. “You’re a writer?” he said.

“Actually — ” “We writers attract each other in any public space. Like magnets,” he said.

I quietly shut the cover of my Mac. He tapped the cover of his notebook with an untrimmed fingernail.

“Self-published. Something of an entrepreneur. I write noir, if you will.”

Noir. The way he said it shuddered in my mind like a war cry. He did not pronounce it as the French might, with a gentle guttural rumbling over the “o” and the “i,” nor

as I might, with a hard “r” to finish struggling through the unfamiliar pairing of “oi.” He finished the word with a “wah,” so it sounded like a thin sheet of metal flapping in the wind — nwah, nwah, nwah.

“What makes it noir?” I said.

“Gunshots and fedoras?”

He cleared his throat. “What are labels, anyway?” he said. “I write noir. Mostly explorations of lightness and darkness and the human condition. Of crime and betrayal and love and hate. It’s all very gritty.”

I sipped slowly from my cup and quietly began collecting my things.

“What are you working on now, then?” I said.

He flipped open his notebook to the middle. Each page was blackened by cramped writing that reached and dipped past lines, meandering and climbing and then tipping into the center to form a dark, misplaced abyss. “A story told entirely in stream of consciousness about a boy walking through a tunnel in search of his father, and he thinks the light at the end is him, but in reality, it’s a train.”

“Where’s the grit, though?”

I said, slipping my bag over my shoulder.

He cleared his throat. “It’s more noir-ish. Consider the endless pursuit of honor, the truest pursuit of happiness, the meta-discussion of the reaches of literary fiction, propelled by every turning of the page.”

“That’s so noir,” I said, turning to leave.

“You could say that,” he agreed, rubbing his notebook against his face so the ink smeared his cheeks into a blurred, black smudge. “You ■H could say it’s noir.”

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

HIGHLANDER

MOVIE REVIEW A VIRTUAL CONVERSATION WITH EDWARD SNOWDEN

RATING:

O

BY: YASMIN KLEINBART, SENIOR STAFF WRITER

Courtesy of digitaltrends.com

n a warm day in March, while indie bands were playing and films were competing for the

attention of judges at the South by Southwest (SXSW) Festival. For an hour, Edward Snowden, the United States’ biggest tattle-tale, came through on seven proxies to deliver a PSA via Google Hangout. To take even more precaution, he even included a U.S. Constitution background as a nicely placed middle finger to the United States.

Despite constant glitches, “A Virtual Conversation with Edward Snowden” was an informative approach to making happens to me.” It’s a good thing he was

one of the brothers accused in the

everyone more aware about how to hidden behind so many proxies, or they

Boston Marathon bombings, and Umar

improve their privacy on the Internet.

may have just taken him up on his offer. Farouk Abdulmutallab, the “underwear

The panel was a part of the SXSW

Of all the people to attend the festival, bomber.” Instead of looking in that

Interactive program, which was five

why on Earth would he turn his evidence, they were too busy hacking

days full of presentations about the attention to the techies? It’s because

Google and Facebook’s backdoors for

future of cutting edge technology. It they are, in Snowden’s opinion, the ones no other reason than they just could. was hosted by Ben Wizner, director of

the

Union,

American Privacy

Civil

Technology

who can relatively take on the NSA. The genuine look on his half-frozen face

Liberties They “are setting fire to the future of the showed the lack of regret he had for his Project Internet” and they are the “firefighters”

(ACLU) and Snowden’s attorney. He

who can fix it. Despite barely hearing

act of treason. The film, as a whole, was interesting, especially with Snowden

was accompanied by ACLU Principal his voice, his points were a guidebook playing a Guy Fawkes-type of character.

Technologist

Chris

Soghoian,

who to build systems to help better privacy.

Overall, Snowden is truly an American

offered his own explanations on what

Encryption is the key, according to

hero to our nation’s people. He made

the problems are with mass surveillance

Snowden. As he was discussing the

people more aware of the NSA playing

and what needs to be done to fix need for people to invest in encrypted Big Brother and constantly looking over them. Technologically speaking, the technology, the famous phrase “We masterpiece was not compelling. It was

our shoulders. No one knows where

the People” seemed to brighten up the they could strike next. Hell, they could

choppy and full of glitches, not letting background despite his face being blurry

be watching me now while I’m typing all

the audience get a crisp view of the and his mouth not matching up to his

of this praise for someone they consider

hunky American hero. Despite technical

a traitor. And with everything Snowden

voice. It was symbolism at its finest.

difficulties, the “whistleblower” spent

The melodrama was then enhanced said in his hour-long talk, he may have

the hour telling technology junkies,

when Snowden aimed to pull at his just poured more gasoline in the ever-

hackers and entrepreneurs about how audience’s

heartstrings

by

using

growing fire. Regardless, it will help the

he had no regrets letting the National

real-life scenarios to make his point. American citizens realize that the NSA

Security Agency’s (NSA) skeletons out

For example, he mentioned how the

of their closets. He mentioned, “Would

government failed to act on numerous tatur, sam, et a deritet latum adita

I do this again? Yes, regardless of what

warnings about Tamerlan Tsarnaev, commolu ptiustissum.

is Alitis aliqui nullentiundi dis dolendi

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SPORTS

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

HIGHLANDER

UCR introduces commuter street racing as intramural sport

CODY NGUYEN Senior Staff Writer

As part of the university’s ongoing efforts to enhance campus life for its many commuter students, competitive street racing has been added to the list of intramural sports offered by UC Riverside.

The announcement comes after months of commuters holding underground street races to and from campus, organized through the Facebook group “Bored UCR Commuters.”

Through the UCR commuters’ group, races were organized by the racers’ city of origin, and consisted of “who could get to and find a parking space in Lot 30 the fastest.” During each race, students would barrel down freeways such as the CA-60, CA-91 and I-215, vying for the bragging rights of being among the fastest commuters.

With about a dozen commuters flying down the freewayturned-autobahn, escaping the

flashing blue and red lights of the California Highway Patrol provides an added challenge for students, allowing racers to relive their video game fantasies from Need for Speed: Most Wanted.

Being the first to cross the finish line is not the only challenge participants face. Finding a parking space in the jam-packed confines of Lot 30 during peak hours represents just as much of an accomplishment.

An anonymous student who has participated in many of the events stated that, “finding a parking space is just as hard … maybe harder than the actual racing, since almost every parking space is gone by like 10 a.m.”

In response to the positive reaction to these street races by the UCR commuter community, the decision was made to introduce the event as an official intramural sport.

Expecting to launch as early as week four of this year’s spring quarter, the program will be run

by the Student Recreation Center, which currently oversees all of UCR’s intramural sports including football, soccer, volleyball, basketball and dodgeball.

Specific rules and criteria for each race have not yet been announced, but is expected to be somewhat similar to the current student-run system, in which students race each other from their starting cities to the university.

UCR representative Bill Holiday issued a statement in which he expressed his belief that “the introduction of commuter street racing as an official intramural sport at the university will enhance the social lives of many Highlanders who come from all across Southern California.”

UCR Athletic Director Janice Lewis also supports the change, adding that “while individuals may get a speeding ticket or two, maybe even the occasional car wreck, the friendships and camaraderie that our commuters will experience is priceless.”

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CAMERON YONG / HIGHLANDER VROOM! VROOM! Racers, start your engines and let’s tear Lot 30 a new one!

MCAT In addition to our Exam Prep Seminars:

Would you like to know more about applying to and succeeding in graduate school?

Attend a graduate school information workshop April 7th, 8th, and 9th from 5:00pm‐6:00pm, location and topics TBA.

We invite UCR professors and graduate students to meet with and speak to undergraduates aspiring to attend graduate school. Come �ind out what professors are looking for in successful candidates, and whether a master’s or doctoral degree is appropriate for your career goals.

GRE

GMAT

LSAT

Most programs require their applicants to submit scores from graduate and professional school exams. Because these are standardized tests, there are strategies that will improve your scores.

One strategy is to practice taking the test as often as possible. This will identify your strengths and weaknesses so you can target areas (analytical thinking and reading, math, vocabulary, and writing) that need improvement.

The UCR Academic Resource Center (ARC) offers reduced‐cost seminars in Fall, Winter, Spring, and Summer Sessions (currently $150/quarter) to better prepare you for the GMAT, GRE, LSAT, and MCAT. Our experienced, college‐level instructors will teach the strategies and foundational knowledge necessary to score higher.

Our Spring 2014 exam prep seminar classes begin the week of April 14th and end the week of June 2nd.

To register for a Grad Exam Prep Seminar, visit us online at

arc.ucr.edu/gre.html.

WRITE FOR THE HIGHLANDER NEWSPAPER

Thinking about graduate or professional school?

MEETINGS ON MONDAYS 5:15PM @ HUB 101

Academic Resource Center (ARC)

SPORTS

HIGHLANDER

Taylor Johns

quest for the perfect game

By Steven Cahill, Staff Writer // Photos by Cameron Yong Though the men’s basketball season had ended just recently, sophomore Taylor Johns has been tirelessly looking for a way to improve his game. He has already backpacked around the world twice in his quest to find the secret to basketball immortality. He has tweeted Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James looking for answers. Little did he realize that the key to becoming one with the gods of the hardwood would come from his laptop.

“During my many days exploring this world, I went to the most exotic and dangerous courts in the world. I had to take a break and rest at home for a few days,” he admitted when he returned to Riverside.

And while at home, he spared a moment to venture onto the NBA’s website, to possibly get some inspiration that would push him forward in his quest. It was then that he found what he had been searching so long for. However, it wasn’t a video quoting an NBA player and his secrets, nor was it a complex coded message hidden somewhere in the writing — it was in an ad. Yes, one of those pesky ads that riddle sites, claiming to improve shooting technique or court awareness in a matter of days. This one in particular that Johns stumbled upon seemed different. He could tell by the fact that the ad made his entire screen black as the “Space Jam” theme song blared in the background. Once the song reached the chorus, text started popping up on the screen. Johns sat back down in his seat to read it, as of course he was dancing up to that point.

“Taylor Johns, you have searched long and hard for the secret to the perfect game,” the screen read. “You’re very close to achieving it, and as a reward for your relentless passion, I will give you the last bit of help you need to get there.

I will improve your vertical!”

Johns was still a bit skeptical at this point, considering he already had a monster vertical, but he clicked the flashing “Click here to start!” link at the bottom of the page. What happened then Johns himself cannot remember very clearly.

“There was a bright flash, like when the paparazzi come to ambush me after a game, and once it cleared, everything

seemed normal,” he explained. “The ad was gone. In fact, my whole laptop was gone. Speaking of which, I still need to report that to the police.”

What had gone unnoticed at the time was what the ad had actually done to him. The ad had done what it claimed it would do, and improved his vertical leap.

However, Johns did not notice until he did his normal early morning practice routine the next day. He started off as he normally would, with a few layups to get warmed up. After his feet easily cleared the rim on his first attempt and he crashed into the backboard, Johns realized the ad had worked, and that his vertical had increased by almost 10 feet.

In his excitement, Johns completed many dunks that were unheard of previously, such as the double-dippy-flippy dunk, in which Johns did two backflips in the air while double-dipping a tortilla chip into a cup of salsa he had in his pocket, of course finished with the dunk.

Once he got used to his new leaping ability, he started parodying some of the most famous dunks. Instead of jumping from the free throw line like Dr. J or Jordan, he was dunking from the three-point line off of two feet. Instead of sticking his arm in the rim like Vince Carter, Johns tried to get his entire body through the hoop.

Unfortunately, his leaping ability did not change the width of the rim, and he got stuck around his waist and needed to be rescued by the fire department.

Having determined the few limits in his new leaping abilities, Johns determined he could not wait until next season to show them off. So he started an online campaign that went viral in a matter of hours, challenging the NBA’s best dunkers to a slam dunk competition at UCR’s Student Recreation Center Arena.

The campaign included a video of Johns exhibiting some dunks that only grazed the surface of his new abilities, but that apparently was enough to scare all NBA players from the competition.

The quest has been completed and the perfect game achieved, so now Johns can focus on more important things, like winning games for the Highlanders next year and declaring his eligibility for the NBA draft. Also he can focus on his lost ■H laptop. He has yet to find that.

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

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TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

. SPORTS .

HIGHLANDER

HIGHLANDERS

Around The Big West

By Darren Bueno, Senior Staff Writer

D’Antoni headed down the 91 freeway?

On Monday, it was announced that UC Riverside reached out to Los Angeles Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni to gauge his interest in coaching the Highlanders. Sources told the Highlander D’Antoni is fielding offers from the Washington Generals and Los Angeles Sparks, among others.

D’Antoni, whose NBA career spans over 16 years, guided the Lakers to its worst season in franchise history with a 25-57 record during the 2013 season. With a release from the Lakers looming, the West Virginia native has appeared in Pringle commercials paired with random appearances on infomercials.

UC Riverside hires its first female athletic director

Riverside City College looks to build RC-Center

With new Student Recreation Center, Highlanders add 18th sport

Local high school prospect projected to be No. 1 NBA Draft pick

It was fairly clear that Riverside would cherish the opportunity to hire an athletic director with Pac 12 credentials and extensive administrative experience. That’s why the Highlanders introduced Janice Lewis as their new AD on Monday at the PUB. Lewis takes over for Tim Williams, who left the university to become mayor of Los Angeles.

Lewis has been the interim athletic director and senior administration advisor at the University of Southern California (USC) since 1984. The university narrowed down its search to three candidates and selected Lewis earlier this week.

With the $37.2 million expansion of UCR’s Student Recreation Center looming, UCR will add much-needed recreation facilities to the growing Riverside campus. One of the cornerstones of the expansion will be the addition of an Olympic-size pool, and on Tuesday morning, the athletic department announced water polo as the 18th sport of UCR. With the tennis programs continuing to struggle, the university searched other avenues for revenue. “Water polo will be a great addition to our already growing programs,” a representative stated. “We hear Michael Phelps is still into the college scene, maybe he’ll give us a go.”

With UCR’s multi-purpose arena, dubbed the C-Center, still in planning stages, city rival Riverside City College has taken the initiative to build its own community arena, named the RC-Center. Estimated to cost nearly $40 million, the early stages of the arena are centered on housing sports, entertainment and artistic events.

RCC’s men’s basketball team recently won its conference championship while the college hosted its annual music festival, which included Childish Gambino and the Neighbourhood. RCC hopes to have the arena completed within the next few years.

The city of Riverside has a deep and rich basketball history. Poly High School witnessed the rise of Reggie and Cheryl Miller, who both went on to have Hall of Fame careers. John W. North and Centennial High School gave UCR a trio of star guards that led the university to multiple NCAA postseason berths.

Riverside looks to add another star-studded name to basketball glory as Arlington High School’s Derek Bernard is projected to be the No. 1 draft pick. Following Lebron James’ second decision to return to Cleveland, the Miami Heat won the NBA draft ■H lottery, giving them the No. 1 pick.