April 5, 2012

April 5, 2012 | Vol. XCIII Iss. LII

We’re sorry Kash SINCE 1918

The adventures of UBC We let our illustrators loose on our centre spread.

Here’s the result

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U

the ubyssey P5 P14

Budget breakdown: UBC’s tally for the year and what it means for students

T U I T I O N

Outgoing Board of Governors student rep Sean Heisler outlines why your tuition rises every year

SPIKE IT RIGHT UBC’s Richey heads off to Olympic qualifier

P6

BLOCK PARTY

LINING IT UP

All the happenings, all the time.

Catch our live coverage online all day long and musings on the perfect last day of class

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2 | Page 2 | 04.05.2012

What’s on 5 THU

This week, may we suggest...

Our Campus

One on one with the people who make UBC

Frat DJ Trasolini on making Trax

#LDOC>>

Lisa Anderson Contributor

AMS Block Party: 2–9pm @ MacInnes Field

If you haven’t yet bought tickets to the fifth annual Block Party, better hit up the Twittersphere if you want a chance to see Mother Mother, MSTRKRFT and more. With cheap(ish) booze and live music within arm’s reach of the SUB, what more could you want? Check out www.amsblockparty.com or follow @AMS_UBC for last-minute ticket opportunities.

6 FRI

#PLDOC>>

8 SUN

RETREAT>>

Sleep Off Hangover: All Day @ wherever you passed out Wowza. Wasn’t Block Party the perfect (pre-)party to celebrate the last day of classes? Today is the post-last day of class and thereby hangover celebration day. You earned it, champ.

7 SAT

MOA>>

6th Annual Anthropology Film Festival: 11am–3pm @ Museum of Anthropology The UBC Ethnographic Film Unit presents a festival that chronicles Occupy Vancouver through the analysis of cultural norms and politics. Free admission for UBC students.

9 MON

The Ubyssey goes to Yale, BC! As a thank you to all of our editors and staff members over the year, The Ubyssey is taking the weekend off to celebrate a year of solid campus journalism in Yale. As a result, we will not be publishing our Monday issue next week. We apologize for this interruption to your typical schedule.

If you’re feeling a little lost without us, follow our retreat via hashtag #UbysseyYale.

SPORTS>> Tennis 1.0 Clinic: 9:30–11:30am @ UBC Tennis Centre We promised ourselves it wouldn’t come to this, but not much else is happening on Monday. So if you’re feeling energetic, the UBC Tennis Centre has an introductory clinic to tennis. This is offered, like, every day of the year for only $295.68/ month!

U

Know of any events you wanted listed during exams? Send the event and your best pitch to printeditor@ubyssey.ca.

The Ubyssey April 05, 2012, Volume XCIII, Issue LII

editorial

Coordinating Editor Justin McElroy

coordinating@ubyssey.ca

Managing Editor, Print Jonny Wakefield printeditor@ubyssey.ca

Managing Editor, Web Arshy Mann webeditor@ubyssey.ca

News Editors Kalyeena Makortoff & Micki Cowan news@ubyssey.ca

Art Director Geoff Lister

art@ubyssey.ca

Culture Editor Ginny Monaco

culture@ubyssey.ca

Senior Culture Writer Will Johnson wjohnson@ubyssey.ca

Sports Editor Drake Fenton

sports@ubyssey.ca

Features Editor Brian Platt

features@ubyssey.ca

Copy Editor Karina Palmitesta copy@ubyssey.ca

Video Editor David Marino

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Senior Web Writer Andrew Bates abates@ubyssey.ca

Graphics Assistant Indiana Joel

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Ryan Trasolini a.k.a. RYAN TRAX is set to take the MacInnes Field stage at 7:25pm at Block Party.

Ryan grew up in Coquitlam, then moved to Anmore, north of Port Moody, which he called “the village in the city.” His parents liked the escape from suburbia.

In his sport coat and mustardcoloured jeans, sipping an iced chai tea latte, Ryan is the epitome of hipster-meets-preppy. He says his style sets him apart from your average DJ. And unlike his parents, Ryan loves the bustle of the city. It’s no wonder he moved to Gastown with its award-winning bars, restaurants and music scene.

“I’ve been pretty musical my whole life,” said Ryan, who played the bagpipes for 12 years. He also successfully ran Tipsy Karma—a mobile DJ company—in high school.

After he graduated, the company broke up. Ryan headed to UBC to study political science.

In his second year, Ryan got involved with the AUS, and was president for a controversial sixmonth span. He hit a few bumps, and regrets not getting out of student politics fast enough. “It’s a very grueling body, and it’s something that really wears on you.”

You might not guess it from his baby-faced Bieber look, but Ryan has taken on a lot of responsibility

Josh Curran/The Ubyssey

at UBC. He’s also served as president of the Inter-Fraternity Council, which oversees all UBC fraternities.

“I was the ‘anti-fraternity.’ I hated fraternities,” he said. “[But] it’s an invaluable experience if you just get involved in something you’re passionate about.”

Phi Delta Theta seemed downto-earth to Ryan, and he went on to become president of the chapter. “I just never thought I’d be involved in the Greek system at all. I’ve done a complete 180 and found it’s really rewarding for the people you meet,” he said.

“Part of the reason I joined the Greek system,” said Ryan, “is because you’re exposed to the really extroverted, really involved people who love what they do.”

And it’s all about who you meet, he said, advising new DJs to

“saturate the industry, and become friends with all the different promoters in the city...If it’s someone I have an established relationship with, and I know what kind of person they are, then I’m more inclined to hire them.”

In his first year DJing in Vancouver, Ryan was runner-up for Top 40 DJ of the Year in the Nightlife Awards hosted by Club Vibes.

When asked what sets him apart, Ryan said, “I have a bit of a unique twist on things...I bring a sharp lyric with a dirtier, darker electronic edge.”

Ryan said he might go into politics, but for now he’ll stick to what he loves: music. “I was passionate about student politics...but it was nice to do something more creative that I truthfully had more of an unconditional passion for.” U

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News

04.05.2012 |

3

Editors: Kalyeena Makortoff & Micki Cowan

TA UNION >>

TAs hold workshops to train picket captains, but no strike called yet Micki Cowan News Editor

UBC’s TA union is holding workshops to train picket captains as preparations increase for a possible call to strike over the long weekend.

While no strike has been called, CUPE 2278, the union that represents UBC’s TAs, posted on their blog that they would hold workshops for picketing on April 4 and 5.

“These workshops will be about how to run a picket, scheduling, and the legal requirements involved in

successful job action,” it said on the blog.

Should a strike get called over the weekend, the repercussions could be felt as early as Tuesday, as only 72 hours notice is required.

UBC remains tight-lipped about what would occur in the event of a strike, although Lisa Castle, AVP Human Resrouces, sent out a campus-wide memo stating “the University has intensified its efforts to prepare for strike activity by working to convene the Ad Hoc Senate Strike Preparedness

Committee.” She also wrote that “The union’s apparent movement towards job action is perplexing.”

Last week, Public Affairs Director Lucie McNeill said that contingency plans for invigilating and marking exams would be sorted out on a faculty-by-faculty basis.

“Regarding whether or not UBC would ask faculty to invigilate or mark exams, if we were to assess that job action is likely and could disrupt exams then we would be having discussion with the deans,” she said.

McNeill added that if picket lines aren’t set up, the strike itself wouldn’t theoretically stop people from going in to supervise or take an exam.

Further complications could arise for commuter students if TransLink drivers follow suit with refusing to cross picket lines, as they did in the 2003 TA strike where buses turned around at Blanca Street.

“As unionized workers, we always honour other unions’ picket lines, and we do not cross those picket lines,” said Gavin Davies, VP of the

REsiDence >>

Totem Park buildings due for renos Scott MacDonald Staff Writer

The 50-year-old Totem Park residences are set for a facelift.

UBC is planning to renovate the six original Totem residences— Dene, Haida, Kwakiutl, Nootka, Salish and Shuswap—over the next three years.

“Over the years there have been a number of problems for sure. We’ve had a number of hot water issues at Kwak and Shuswap in the more recent past,” said Student Housing and Hospitality Services (SHHS) Managing Director Andrew Parr.

Kwakiutl and Shuswap will be targeted for the first round of renovations this summer, followed by Haida and Salish in 2013. Nootka and Dene will be the last pair renovated in 2014.

The six buildings were originally built between 1964 and 1968 at a cost of $5.68 million.

“We need to get in there and upgrade the plumbing and mechanical systems,” Parr said.

“The bathrooms are going to be completely upgraded, the common blocks are going to be completely upgraded, the elevator is going to be modernized and there’ll be some fresh paint on the walls.”

But some buildings will need more work than others, he said. For example, Haida and Salish are currently in need of roof repairs.

The renovation efforts come as a welcome change for Totem Park residents, who say they’ve suffered due to the aging buildings. While these improvements won’t be of benefit to students currently living in Totem Park, they will significantly improve life life in residence for those entering UBC over the next few years.

“The odd time they have to shut

Canadian Auto Workers (CAW) local 111, which represents TransLink workers. “A lot of the time, even non-union people won’t cross the picket line, out of respect.”

Davies clarified that the transit workers would not likely be affected if the picket lines were at buildings around campus and not the bus loop.

“If they picketed the bus loop or the exchange there or a roadway, the buses wouldn’t cross the picket line, and that’s usually the rule of order,” he said. U LegaL >>

UBC asks Supreme Court to review discrimination complaint

Jonny Wakefield Managing Editor, Print

Kaitlyn Tissington/the Ubyssey

Kwakiutl and Shuswap houses, shown above, will be the first two Totem Park buildings to undergo renovations this summer.

the water off for a day. And the bathrooms are certainly nothing special,” said Britney Lentz, a resident on the sixth floor of Shuswap.

Sophie Marshall, a fifth-floor resident of Shuswap, shared similar complaints. “The bathrooms are pretty bad…and our elevator has broken down a few times.”

The problems for Shuswap and other old Totem buildings are similar to those in newly built həm’ləsəm and q’ələχən. However, though residents of the new houses received financial compensation,

SHHS has said residents of the older buildings don’t deserve the same.

“Based on the impact and disruption to date in those older buildings, that’s not being considered,” said Parr. “I would not define that as significant disruption.”

But the problems in these houses, Parr said, are being recognized.

“When a student signs a contract with us and commits to living on campus there’s a few expectations that they should come with, and one of those would be a quality living environment where access to

heat and hot water is a constant. So I would acknowledge that there’s been some issues with that over time and students have had to deal with that.

“That’s not good and that’s being corrected.”

SHHS has also ensured that construction, which might normally disrupt student life, shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

“It won’t commence until students depart after exams and it will be done before their arrival in late August,” said Parr. U

New members appointed to Board of Governors

U-Passes available at Robson starting April 16

Three years later, Pacific Spirit Park death remains unsolved

UBC to create new art centre through $5 million donation

The provincial government has appointed two new members to the UBC Board of Governors.

Gerry Karr, a nephrologist who began the first kidney dialysis program in the Okanagan Valley, and Jason McLean, CEO of the McLean Group and former director of the Vancouver Board of Trade, will each serve two-year terms. Both attended their first Board of Governors meeting as members on Tuesday, April 3. The 21-member Board has 11 representatives appointed by the province, 3 elected reps for each of faculty, staff and students, and includes the president of UBC and the chancellor.

Starting on April 16, UBC students will be able to pick up their U-Passes at the UBC Bookstore’s Robson Square location in downtown Vancouver.

“We’re certainly hoping that those who can’t make it out to campus... will be able to pop in to the Robson Square location,” said Debbie Harvie, the Bookstore’s managing director.

The Robson Square store is open Monday to Friday from 10:30am– 5pm and 11am–4pm Saturday.

Due to the high cost of the U-Pass vending machines, passes will be distributed by hand. Harvie said the Bookstore will continue to distribute passes at Robson throughout the summer.

Four years after a murder in Pacific Spirit Park, police are once again asking the public for any information pertinent to the case.

This month marks the fourth anniversary of the death of Wendy Ladner-Beaudry, whose body was found in Pacific Spirit Park on April 3, 2009. The 53-year-old was killed while jogging. Investigators have identified potential suspects, but no arrests have been made, and it has not been revealed whether the death was targeted or a random attack.

Anyone with information is urged to contact the RCMP tip line at 1-877-551-4448.

A $5 million donation from UBC alumnus Michael Audain will be used to establish a new visual arts centre on campus.

The new Audain Art Centre will be tied to the department of art history, visual art and theory, and will feature 16 art studios, new media labs, an art gallery and academic space that can hold up to 500 students. UBC plans to locate the centre in the Ponderosa Housing Hub commons block, currently under construction. It is set to open September 2013.

The facility will replace an underground art gallery in Koerner Library and existing studios currently housed in temporary buildings. U

News briefs

UBC has applied to the BC Supreme Court for a judicial review of a professor’s discrimination complaint.

A BC Human Rights Tribunal (HRT) decision called for a full judicial hearing of a complaint made in May 2010 by UBC Education professor Jennifer Chan. But the university is arguing that UBC’s internal review process has already put the case to rest.

Chan alleges she was a victim of racial discrimination when she was considered for a research chair position. Chan, who is of Chinese descent, was a finalist for the Lam Chair in Multicultural Education but was not selected.

She argued that sloppy appointment procedures allowed racial bias to creep into the process. Earlier this year, the HRT declined UBC’s application to dismiss the complaint.

“The university believes the BC HRT made some important errors in its preliminary rulings,” said Lucie McNeill, director of UBC Public Affairs.

McNeill said the university disagrees with the HRT’s decision because they believe Chan’s case was dealt with by UBC’s equity procedures.

“The HRT is essentially saying [that] irrespective of the internal process we have through our Equity Office, that somebody is entitled to that last final appeal at the human rights tribunal,” said McNeill. “But things should only go to appeal if they’re justified to go to an appeal.”

In writing the decision, tribunal member Norman Trerise argued that requiring an employee to go through an internal process and then denying them the right to an appeal with the HRT “essentially pulls the rug out from under that faculty member.”

“The university believes that this case is actually not correct and that interpretations at the HRT were not proper,” said McNeill. “[The university] has a responsibility to stand up and say, ‘No, we cannot let this stand as precedent.’”

In an email statement to The Ubyssey, Chan said she has exhausted her pro-bono legal support and will have to self-represent.

“UBC is further delaying the complaint process, adding legal costs and stress,” she wrote. “UBC should play fair and let the HRT hearing go ahead as scheduled with full disclosure of evidence.”

McNeill denied that UBC is trying to delay the case. U

4 | News | 04.05.2012 Movies >>

Norm Theatre to unreel, get digital projector

Geoff Lister/the Ubyssey

Grace Shaw Contributor

The Norm Theatre will finally be projected into the future after 44 years of using 35mm film.

The UBC Film Society approached the AMS last year requesting an upgrade from their 35mm film projector. The AMS decided in February to commit $90,000 in funding for a new digital projector.

“We project all of our film with a 35mm projector, but it’s been increasingly difficult to get 35mm prints...We need to go digital if we want to continue showing new movies,” said Evan Gillespie, operations manager at the FilmSoc. “It’s very

cheap for a projector...We got a good deal,” he said.

It’s a brand new technology that the whole film industry is shifting towards and we’re just adapting as well.

Caroline Wong AMS VP Administration Since the only local film distribution company, the Vancouver Film Depot, stopped distributing film last year and will shut down completely

in May, the FilmSoc has had to ship all their films in from Toronto.

AMS VP Administration Caroline Wong said that the Norm’s upgrades are essential for movie-going students. “The Norm Theatre has a deep history. It provides a huge service,” she said.

Apart from showing Hollywood movies, the Norm also provides many services for the UBC community. “The Norm represents one of the few remaining cultural gathering points at UBC for students and within the AMS. There’s been a decrease in clubs that have events, and the FilmSoc continues to have two events a day by showing movies,” said Gillespie.

The Norm, built in 1965 and originally dubbed the SUB Auditorium, was a part of the core vision of the SUB in the 1960s. “Porter Butts thought the idea of having a theatre would be a good idea for students,” said Michael Kingsmill from AMS Design. “It was always planned as a multi-purpose venue.” Butts was the original SUB designer.

A new digital projector is just the beginning of the big changes in store for the Norm; the theatre space itself will undergo a physical transformation along with the new SUB, which is set for completion in 2014. But the Norm will stay in the old building.

“The [current] design of the Norm has quite a bit of sophistication...it’s a

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bit like Ronchamp Cathedral inside.

It’s more than just a theatre box; I’ve always thought it was a wellthought-[out] space,” said Kingsmill, who has been involved in remodeling the Norm over the past two decades.

But the Norm plans to upgrade its concession stand and lobby, and the area where The Delly is currently located will be transformed into a new entrance to the theatre.

Wong said the AMS hopes to continue adapting to new technology, which may even include providing 3D viewings in the future.

“It’s a brand new technology that the whole film industry is shifting towards and we’re just adapting as well.” U

U

04.05.2012 | News | 5 Budget 2012–13 >>

Breaking down the UBC budget

I

nternational students, investment revenue and scrounging for cash are going to fund UBC’s new spending—as well as a possible wage increase.

In early April, the Board of Governors approved UBC’s 2012–13 operating budget.

UBC will see $19.7 million in new yearly money, including $6.4 million in recurring surpluses from last year, $3.3 million in cuts to administrative structures, and new revenue streams such as tuition increases and larger international student enrolment.

Most of that will be tied into projects in the Place and Promise strategic plan, while $7.2 million will be put into a contingency fund, likely to be used for wage increases that come out of collective bargaining with UBC’s unions.

Some of the new spending includes an Early Alert program to address student mental health, $900,000 to fund the opening of collegia lounges on campus, $1.5 million for classroom upgrades and funding for the Ponderosa commons. U

How much for each faculty?

Revenue increases, new spending $ 19.7M in new revenue

$ 19.6M in new spending

$6.4M: recurring surplus $3.3M: administrative efficiencies $1.1M: domestic tuition increases

$13.8M

$12.4M: Place and Promise strategic plan

UBC has approved for faculty funding increases

$7.2M: contingency could be used for bargaining with unions

• Applied Science $1.9M

$3.6M: int. tuition increases

• Arts $2.3M

$ 5.3M: investment and other income

• Interdisciplinary Studies [no increase]

New investments to watch In the Place and Promise spending

• College of Health Disciplines [no increase] • Dentistry $0.2M

• $2.6M: alumni engagement “Start an Evolution” fundraising campaign

• Education $0.3M

• $10M: “BC Integrated Research Library”

• Forestry $0.5M

• $1.2M: construction of Ponderosa Commons residence

• $1.2M: new international student recruitment in India, South America, Europe and Middle East

• Graduate Studies [no increase]

• $0.2M: for two offices in India

• $0.7M: collegia project

• Land and Food Systems [no increase]

• $1.5M: upgrades to classrooms • $0.9M: Early Alert System to monitor student mental health

New buildings and infrastructure

• Law $0.2M

• 167.4M: Ponderosa Commons—1100 new beds for students, slated to open between 2012–14.

• $2.5M: Old SUB refit*, slated for 2015.

• Medicine $3.1M

• $82.4M: Brock Hall Commons*—685 beds, slated to open in 2015.

• $85M: Hot water conversion—the university will move from steam to a hot water heating system to save energy.

• $2.5M: University Centre*—renovations for Sage Bistro, and a new lounge for staff, faculty and emeriti, slated for 2013.

*Subject to Board of Governors approval

• Pharmaceutical Sciences $1.4M • Sauder $1.7M • Science $2.2M

Sports

04.05.2012 |

6

Editor: Drake Fenton

Olympics >>

London calling: UBC’s road to the 2012 Olympics After winning five CIS titles, UBC star Kyla Richey will be an underdog on a national team fighting to qualify

Ginny Monaco Culture Editor

actually wanted to pursue.”

Richey has been a part of the team since she started at UBC in 2007. In that time, she racked up some of the best stats in the country—3.54 kills and 4.42 points per set in the Canada West conference this year, third and fourth overall— and was named the CIS player of the year.

Richey is quick to emphasize that her success, and the Thunderbirds’ success, isn’t a solo effort. “You have great teammates around you.

They’re high quality athletes, so you’re really getting pushed every day and you’re bound to get better.

If I hadn’t won MVP and we just won nationals, I don’t know that I’d feel any different, but it’s always nice to get personal recognition,” she says.

“It’s a pretty good way to end off your career, being named MVP. You don’t really think about it all together. There was such a focus this year on winning this championship that I sort of forgot the four that I’d won previously. So now that I’m done and now that I have the five gold medals beside each other, it becomes more real.”

Kyla Richey sits down across from me at an empty table in UBC’s War Memorial Gym. Her hair is pushed back from her face with a black headband and she looks remarkably composed for someone who’s spent the last hour running and diving around a volleyball court. She puts her feet up on an extra chair. Her Converse sneakers are a dark purple and look new. She rolls up one pant leg, then the other and drops a bag of ice on each knee.

“It’s preventative,” she says. “We go through a lot of ice bags every practice because we get so many different injuries—shoulder, back. And when you’re practicing every day…”

She presses down on the ice bag and winces.

Richey is a fifth-year kinesiology student and an outside hitter for the UBC Thunderbirds women’s volleyball team. On March 5, the Thunderbirds beat the University of Alberta Pandas to take home their fifth consecutive national championship.

With her time as a university athlete coming to a close, Richey is now focused on helping the national volleyball team qualify for Kyla is more than a volleyball player. the London Olympics. She’s a friend who makes you laugh Canada will face after you’ve made a mistake. She’s a Cuba, the Dominican competitor who makes her teammates Republic and Puerto Rico at the end of April better when she beats them, a big hug in hopes of securing a when you feel it was all your fault spot for the Games. and most of all, a leader who truly The national volbelieves in every member of her team. leyball team is stacked with UBC players Kyla’s true success as a volleyball and Leah Allinger, player is not her collection of medals, the T-Birds assistant coach, attributes part but the respect, adoration and love of that to the universi- she is given by...everyone around her. ty’s recruiting process.

“We recruit in terms of character first and Brina Derksen-Bergen volleyball second,” she UBC volleyball teammate says.

“We don’t recruit players that can’t fit in with a team environment—where the team is always most the important piece. But once you’re on, it’s impossible not Leading a team of leaders to be a team player. If you sat in our locker room, I think one thing you’d There are, of course, those players notice is that there’s no talk about ‘I’ on any team that stand out and step or individual statistic. It’s all about into a leadership role. Richey is one the team dynamic.” of those players. She attributes most of that to the fact that she’s been on the team for so long, but Allinger Most Valuable Player says there’s more to it.

“We have girls that do not get Richey was raised in Langley, BC. any playing time that could start on Her mother Jan was a UBC volany other team in Canada,” she tells leyball champ as well. In fact, the me. “I think the challenge with this Thunderbirds’ win in 2007 was team is managing talent. All these their first since Richey’s mother girls were the best players on their played for the team in 1978. teams and we have 16 true lead“I come from a really competiers. With someone like Kyla, she is tive family, really sports-oriented,” the heart and soul of the team in so Richey says. “Both my parents were many ways. She has so many talteachers and coached me in various ented and strong leaders to lead.” sports.”

“The past four years, I’ve been She did track and basketball up one of those ‘lead by example’ until Grade 12, but she knew early people,” Richey says. “I’m not a very on that volleyball was her calling. “I loud person on the court or off. But think it’s important to be ‘sportsbecause this is my fifth year, I’ve rounded,’” Richey says. “The kids taken a more natural leadership that specialize so early, you just role.” see so much burnout. Through elPart of that role, she believes, is ementary school and high school I played as many sports as I could, but keeping her teammates focused on the game. “When we come in to I knew that volleyball was what I

practice, I want to make sure that there’s nothing bothering anyone so we can just focus on volleyball.”

It’s something that doesn’t go unnoticed by her teammates. Allinger mentions a quote written by setter Brina Dersen-Bergen for an award Richey had been nominated for.

“This is who Kyla is to her teammates,” Allinger says. “I asked Brina for a quote about the impact Kyla had on her team and this was the response: ‘Kyla is more than a volleyball player. She’s a friend who makes you laugh after you’ve made a mistake. She’s a competitor who makes her teammates better when she beats them, a big hug when you feel it was all your fault and most of all, a leader who truly believes in every member of her team. Kyla’s true success as a volleyball player is not her collection of medals, but the respect, adoration and love she is given by her coaches, teammates and everyone around her.’”

Allinger says that what the Thunderbirds will miss most about Richey is her presence—on court and off. During our conversation, Richey’s teammates trickle out of the gym. She smiles and waves when they call to her. “You were great out there,” she shouts.

The learning curve Going from the Thunderbirds to Team Canada isn’t exactly a smooth transition. It’s a “big fish in a small pond” kind of scenario. UBC dominates the CIS, but the national team, historically, hasn’t fared so well.

Allinger says it can be a difficult situation for players like Richey. “I think that will be their challenge.

They go from a program where they just believe that they’re going to be successful to a team that historically has not had that much success. The feeling is that they have to do something quite different to be successful. There are so many UBC players on the national team who have that experience.”

Arnd Ludwig, the head coach for Canada, says, “I believe we have a chance, but we have to be at 100 per cent. It’s going to be a tough qualifier.”

Ludwig took over the team three years ago and he’s seen Richey grow as a player. “She was young and inexperienced...And last year, she was a starter for Team Canada.

You could just see how her level improved over that time. When she plays, she’s really, really good. The last year, she did a good job getting a little more stable on the court.

She has the right mindset and she’s learning more and more what to do to get there.”

“We haven’t peaked yet,” Richey says. “But I do love that underdog feeling. What’s different about our national team is that our team—together—hasn’t really learned how to win, or how to push through those nitty-gritty situations. Volleyball is a sport where anything can happen.

You could be down 15 and that team could still technically come back. I really love playing with the national team because there’s such a huge learning curve. There’s so much to do. Every single day you’re coming in and it’s never boring.

“Two years ago, we were at the world championships. We were playing with these teams that have

Richard Lam/UBC athletics

Kyla Richey holds her five CIS gold medals. Team Canada begins qualifiers on April 30.

the best players in the world. It makes you work so hard because you’re looking across the net and that’s the equivalent of Kobe Bryant and you’re playing against them.”

Allinger believes Richey will thrive with the national team.

“She’ll bring a few things,” she says.

“She’ll bring a really dynamic offensive force. She’ll bring a true sense of team. She’ll bring people together for a common goal.”

Right now, Richey is focusing her efforts on training for the qualifier. But she isn’t sure what she’ll be doing after that. “I’ll definitely keep playing for at least another five years,” she said. “Whether it’s between pro and national, or just focusing on one or the other. I used to say no, but now I feel [coaching] is inevitable. I love kids, I love teaching. I think growing up with both my parents as teachers, I’m accustomed to that. So I say no, but I think that’s a silly answer.

“I definitely see myself as an athlete, but hopefully, not just remembered as an athlete,” she said. “When I eventually [retire], I think it will be hard, but there are so many things I am passionate about.” U

There was such a focus this year on winning this championship that I sort of forgot the four that I’d won previously. So now that I’m done and now that I have the five gold medals beside each other, it becomes more real.

Kyla Richey

04.05.2012 | Comic | 7

The chronicles of cairn-ia the university of british columbia has been thrown into inter-faculty turmoil. students were in the midst of a war, brother against brother, when an external enemy swooped down on ubc unexpectedly.

king mcelroy prays desperately at the altar of toope.

so blinded were we by our civil strife that we did not see the real threat coming.

My lord, intelligence reports a crime most heinous.

I am out of options! the chaos continues and I have no way to stop it!

But whatever can be more heinous than brother fighting brother?

the cairn! comfort me, elin!

External forces from the East, sir.

They have taken from us the Eternal Cairn.

i am here, friend.

toope help us!

the eternal cairn was the engineering dwarves’ magic source.

without it, they were rendered powerless.

only those foolish art students would dare to steal the cairn from us!

believing the arts were behind it, the dwarves formed an alliance with the science students.

a secret meeting was to take place, but was interrupted by a mysterious arrival.

8 | Comic | 04.05.2012 dwarven lord olson, there is a student who wishes to speak in front of council.

you have been wronged. the cairn was stolen by none other than the legion of simon frasier.

the cairn!?

why should we not execute the fool now?

let him speak.

he claims to have information about the cairn.

why should we trust you?

The very same. If we do not act quickly, then they may use the Eternal Cairn against us!

because...

I am no ordinary student.

Our only hope is to gather this university’s finest and storm Mt. Burnaby to reclaim what is rightfully ours!

former king bijan ahmadian!?

later that night...

elin, I worry for my people.

i thought he perished in the war of Gaza!

be calm, my lord. word is that ahmadian has assembled a fellowship of ubc’s finest to retrieve the eternal cairn.

from the faculty of forestry, an incredibly enchanting and resilient wood sprite.

name: jasmine rei major: forest science

who has he chosen to join this fellowship?

ahmadian has selected the mightiest of each faculty through a contest: fellowship’s got talent.

from the faculty of science, a powerful alchemist rumoured to have once transmuted buchanan tower into a glorious monolith.

from the faculty of Arts, a wise and mysterious elf, well versed in linguistics and the Arcane. name: gaius skenngens major: english literature

rumours, my lord. he is alive and well.

Ahmadian!?

name: tabith sholson major: chemistry commerce presented a well connected entrepreneur with fearsome purchasing power.

name: göf listerkanasi major: bachelor of commerce

from human kinetics, a fierce half-giant spartan whose strength knows no bounds.

land and food systems bore a steadfast and loyal hobbit.

name: shaughnessy belt major: cows a well acclaimed sculptor of sound and silence was discovered from the faculty of music.

you’ve probably never heard of her.

name: crescendo lilysmith major: bard composition

name: apollonia major: kinetics and hp science and finally, an efficient dwarven prodigy was chosen from engineering.

name: nigel campbell major: engineering physics

04.05.2012 | Comic | 9

And so with Toope’s blessing, the Fellowship of talent set forth across the Lower Mainland. They voyaged over land and sky, quickly discovering that Vancouver’s transit system was relatively pleasant when compared to the rest of canada.

there were still some small criticisms to its operations such as how fucking congested Broadway gets during peak hours.

how beautiful this is. Arts and Science student alike are united for this common goal.

the severity of the weather did nothing to aid in the party’s ascent.

the buses will not make the ascent to the peak in these conditions. we must scale the mountain by foot!

the next morning, the party was well rested and all around genial.

friends, if we hope to succeed in this venture, then we must cooperate.

tell me, bijan. what do you think the SFU students will use the Eternal Cairn for?

SFU threatens to corrupt us with their progressive areas of study. if we let them have their way, our sacred traiditional degrees will become tainted by majors such as criminology and communications!

it is as true as the filth that lines the Buchanan dungeon.

Any student as wise and old as myself has known this to be SFU’s ulterior motive. Their dedication to the dark and untraditional is how for three consecutive years they ranked 1st among Canada’s most comprehensive universities.

My Toope! Could this fable be true?

Such a glorious ranking! But at what cost?

be strong, brave knight! we will set up camp here and storm the fiendish academy of the lich Simon Fraser on the morrow. Rest well tonight.

before them stood a mighty modernist fortress.

I have an opinion.

although your kind have often been criticized for your conformity, what you say rings true. we must work together.

later that night...

oh, had i but studied the applications of my discipline instead of the theory! then perhaps i would be better suited for this great trek!

But the Fellowship’s progress was brought to a halt when at the foot of mt. burnaby by a frigid and unforgiving blanket of snow fell from the sky.

ha! a typical sentiment from one who studies nothing but rhythmatic banging all day.

At last! We have reached the campus!

you are being normative. Stop that.

i can feel the power of the Eternal Cairn radiating from within! we are close!

it was not long before the Fellowship reached the holding place of the stolen cairn: the academic quadrangle!

our heroes bravely stormed the campus.

that was surprisingly easy.

it being after 6pm, there was a general absence of students, so the invasion went quite smoothly.

not so fast, little creatures!

Finally! Let us retrieve what is rightfully ours and leave this accursed land!

impossible!

The lich Simon Fraser himself!?

ARISE, MY NOTABLE UNDEAD ALUMNI WARRIORS!

our numbers are falling fast!

ZT BZZZZZZZ

What the-?

be strong, brave farmer!

we’re not farmers!

Oh no!

UBC Campus present Day This will be my ultimate tribute to our lord Toope!

IT will be in a place of honour, far from ordinary students who would desecrate it!

At last, the cairn is finally mine!

... And that’s where Storm The Wall Comes from.

But then why is the Cairn where it is today? And why were there so many present-day people like Bijan and-

Traitor!

You... You used us!

Bijan!

What are you doing!?

Shut up.

Just shut up.

Yes... And now you will pay donation to Toope... with your blood!

do u like grammer??! cause da ubyssey is always lookin for volunters to help proof-awesome, right?

Karina Palmitesta | copy@ubyssey.ca

U

Culture

04.05.2012 |

11

Editor: Ginny Monaco

music >>

UBC grad turned busker launches solo project

Thomas Beckman’s band—the Sons of Granville—has been a downtown staple Anna Zoria Staff Writer

Thomas Beckman is out of breath when I spot him on the corner of Georgia and Granville in a full black suit. It’s a beautiful sunny afternoon and he’s just darted across town from a gig with Sons of Granville.

The band, which he formed in 2010, has become a Vancouver must-see. In the last two years alone they’ve managed to sell over 2000 CDs simply by busking around the city. But now, Beckman is ready to step out on his own with a solo viola album titled Conception Bay. “It’s a bit more conceptual,” says Beckman. “It’s more colour, it’s impression.”

The album draws a lot of its inspiration from Beckman’s roots; he grew up in Namibia, and as a student in Cape Town went on several expeditions which left a lasting impact on his memory. “[Namibia]’s such a sparsely populated, beautiful desert country…so peaceful and vast. The more time I spent putting this album together the more I began to think about it.”

Beckman’s desire to transport his listener to another place comes across beautifully on Conception Bay. It begins and ends with the sound of

waves, and his viola weaves seamlessly between his own compositions and several Bach movements.

Beckman is confident that what he’s produced will find its niche.

“One of the things that busking has taught me is that instead of trying to fit into a market, make your own market.

Writing your own music and going out on the street is part of allowing yourself to be who you are.

Thomas Beckman Musician “With Sons of Granville, we were just coming out and playing our music and getting extremely passionate and involved with it. That was enough for people to want to come to our shows and buy albums. That was our success.”

Though busking is only a means and not an end to Beckman’s success, he says that it’s something he has come to love and plans to continue with his solo act.

“There’s so much activity in the city, so much culture and people

from all walks of life. If you can take that and soak that in, you somehow get a deeper understanding of what life’s about.”

A graduate of UBC’s music program, Beckman thinks that busking could also be a great outlet for students. “How awesome would it be if we had a UBC quartet busking in the middle of Granville Street? We don’t see classical music and we should.”

Talking with Beckman, you get a sense that he is an artist who truly lives phrases we often take for granted: ‘Follow your dreams.’ ‘Take a leap of faith.’ His energy is contagious, and he wants to spread it to everyone he comes in contact with.

“We all have an incredible source of potential to fulfill what we want to do,” he says. “I just think that writing your own music and going out on the street and not giving a damn about what anyone thinks is part of allowing yourself to be who you are.”

But for Beckman, it doesn’t stop there. “As much as I love my music, I feel that I’m going to be some kind of a leader in the arts world. I want to be part of a movement that elevates people.

“I don’t know how I’m going to get there, but I know I’m going to get there.” U

Courtesy the Artist

Beckman wishes more student musicians would get out in the community “How awesome would it be if we had a UBC quartet busking in the middle of Granville Street?

12 | Games | 04.05.2012 Comicsmaster by Maria Cirstea

WHOA! CAMEL MAZE

U

Do you feel strongly about our games page?

Contact our Managing Editor, Print with complaints or suggestions

Jonny Wakefield | printeditor@ubyssey.ca

Camel Maze courtesy of KrazyDad. Reprinted with permission.

04.05.2012 | Games | 13

CROSSWORD

(CUP)—Puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

Across 1- Scarf 5- Skin openings 10- An apple 14- Buck follower 15- Gay 16- Emperor of Rome 54–68 AD 17- Miss 18- 1961 Heston role 19- Start of a counting rhyme 20- Expressive of love 22- Cleansing preparation 24- Frozen Wasser 25- Israeli submachine gun 26- Clear as 29- Hair goo 32- Small hand drum 36- Subterfuge 37- Sullenly ill-humored 39- Former nuclear agcy.

40- Like after-school activities 43- Digit of the foot 44- Alarms 45- Actress Campbell 46- Abrasive mineral 48- HST’s successor 49- Feels for 50- DDE opponent 52- Tomcat 53- Spectre 57- Of great size 61- Nobleman 62- Get to know 64- Accent 65- Choir member 66- con pollo

67- Slang expert Partridge 68- Abound 69- lift?

70- Go out with

Down 1- Room in a casa 2- Composer Khachaturian 3- Slammin’ Sammy 4- He owns the place where backpackers crash in Europe?

5- Nobles 6- Just 7- Fabled bird 8- Some Ivy Leaguers 9- Hindu ascetic 10- Hemoglobin deficiency 11- Abstruse 12- Cartoonist Peter 13- Spool-like toy 21- Black gold 23- Early Mexican 26- Aggregate of qualities that make good character 27- Full-bosomed 28- First name in cosmetics 29- Melon, e.g.

30- Made a mistake 31- TV producer Michaels 33- Farm machine 34- Depart 35- Green is the place to be 37- AT&T rival 38- Bro’s counterpart 41- So far

42- With undiminished force 47- Without pattern 49- Op. 51- Gannet 52- District in Tokyo 53- Land map 54- Gap 55- Commedia dell’ 56- Nothing more than 57- Stepped 58- Asta’s mistress 59- Monogram ltr.

60- Gospel singer Winans 63- 100 square metres

Opinion

04.05.2012 |

14

Editor: Brian Platt

Why your tuition keeps rising Perspectives >> Sean Heisler

Jeff AschkinaSi/The Ubyssey

The Last Word Parting shots and snap judgments on today’s issues Storming March Madness Well, the results of UBC March Madness are in, and after tens of thousands of votes, you’ve decided that the quintessential UBC experience is Storm the Wall.

Defeating Day of the Longboat, Wreck Beach, Imagine Day, Construction, and then finally Block Party in the final, Storm the Wall fully deserved its win. It’s a UBC tradition, unique to this campus, highlighting our West Coast attitude.

And yet…it’s true that during the two weeks of voting, Storm the Wall was right outside the SUB. Did this affect the voting? It must have, though the total effect will forever be unknown.

Still, congratulations to a worthy victor. If we ever do this again, we’ll look forward to seeing whether the results will be the same at a different time of year.

Block Party is a hit—but it could still be bigger The good news is that Block Party has sold out, except for a few lastminute tickets available at the gate.

The bad news is that a sold out yearend outdoor concert at UBC now has only 5000 students attending.

We aren’t going to complain much about this; Block Party is the biggest beer garden and concert that happens at UBC all year, and 5000 students rocking out in MacInnes Field will still be a sight to behold.

Furthermore, it looks like the weather is going to cooperate, which is perhaps the most important factor in whether Block Party is a good time for all.

But we also know that MacInnes Field could hold nearly twice as many students as will be attending this “sold out” show, and it feels like a lost opportunity to grow Block Party into an event that could really make a lasting impression on students.

In this case, the AMS was playing it safe in setting the attendance limit fairly low. This makes sense, given that the last few Block Parties

did not sell out. But this year a few prominent local bands were put on the lineup, as opposed to just a smattering of DJs (or, you know, The Barenaked Ladies), and now they actually can’t keep up with the demand for tickets. We hope this encourages the AMS to think even bigger for next year­—booking bands that are capable of drawing up to 10,000 students. We have the largest student union in the country; we should be able to attract big-name talent.

But even if the AMS does try to fill MacInnes Field to capacity, it’s unclear whether the RCMP would even allow it. As is well known to regular readers of The Ubyssey, the combination of market housing residents and RCMP staffing shortages has made large student concerts on campus a difficult proposition.

But the AMS and the RCMP have been making progress on relaxing the liquor restrictions on campus, and with the success of this year’s Block Party, there is at least reason for optimism.

Student representatives should take clear stands on tuition In this issue, Sean Heisler, who is stepping down after two years as a student member of the Board of Governors, provides some background for UBC’s annual two per cent tuition increases. We would like to see a lot more of this when it comes to tuition debates: well-informed, measured, policy-driven arguments about the cost of education and how to mitigate the negative impact on students.

Instead, what usually happens at UBC is that a few people get very angry about tuition at certain times throughout the year—usually during the AMS elections­­—but then nobody shows up to the consultation sessions, or to the meetings where the Board is actually voting on the issue.

Yet there is one thing in particular we would like to see our student Board members do: cast a clear vote on tuition increases. Student Board members have, in the past, abstained on tuition votes, which strikes us

as an unacceptable cop-out. This year, all of the students on the Board voted in favour. Though it may rub students the wrong way, a yes vote is preferable to an abstention.

If a student Board member thinks that the two per cent raise is the right thing for UBC to do—which is what many student politicans think—then vote yes on it, and be prepared to justify your vote to students. If you’re inclined to oppose tuition increases, then vote no and be prepared to justify it to the rest of the Board.

We should always call on our student Board members to take strong and clear stands on issues that matter to students, and the cost of tuition is perhaps the most important issue of all.

The potential danger of Bill 18 With the passage of Bill 18, the governing boards at BC’s universities now have the ability to oust elected members. In practice, this means that the student and faculty members are now subject to being kicked off the Board by the provincially-appointed members. If you think this sounds odious, you aren’t alone.

The likelihood of this being enacted at UBC is, we hope, remote.

Times may arise when an elected member does something so extreme that their ouster from the Board is uncontroversial; in such a case, the outcry will be fairly small. But if UBC’s Board of Governors ever exercises this power outside of a situation where it’s clearly called for—in other words, a situation in which there is significant debate— then the Board will lose much of its legitimacy in the eyes of students and faculty.

In the meantime, there is always the danger that Bill 18 will have a chilling effect on discussion at the Board. The elected members may be less likely to speak their mind, given the ability of the other members to have them removed. If this is the result, then Bill 18 will have made UBC’s governance substantially worse. U

With students taking a stand in Quebec about proposed 75 per cent tuition hikes, and a rising fear across the country of steadily increasing rates, the annual two per cent tuition increases at UBC have been steadily drawing more and more attention.

Although BC is the fourth-lowest province for tuition, and UBC has the lowest tuition of all BC research universities, nobody likes to see their tuition rise.

I have been a student member of the Board of Governors for the past two years, which means I was among the people who approved the recent tuition increases at the April 3 Board meeting.

In my experience, there is a lot of misunderstanding over why tuition rises by two per cent every year. I hope to shed some light on the matter here, and I’ll leave it up to readers to choose whether to support the two per cent annual increase, or use this information for better lobbying against tuition raises.

In BC, the recent history of tuition goes back to 1996, when the NDP government opted to mandate a freeze on all tuition rates within the province. This held for six years, until the Liberal government lifted the freeze in 2002.

Over the next few years, institutions around the province sent tuition rates soaring, with some raises as high as 30 per cent. This resulted in a strong political backlash, which pushed the Liberals to bring back tuition regulation. In lieu of a full freeze, however, they opted to impose a maximum cap of two per cent within any year.

So for those wondering why every March they get an email informing them of the proposed two per cent increase, that is why: the provincial government does not allow any higher. For those who have asked why they do not simply raise it by a larger amount and then leave it for a while, it’s the same reason. Within the current legislation, if UBC chose not to raise it in one year and later found itself in a financial bind, there is no mechanism to recover the gap in revenue.

There is a larger question, however: why doesn’t UBC simply choose to not raise the tuition for a time and save the students further financial pressures? The short answer is inflation. UBC needs about $25 million a year in additional revenues just to hold constant against it. UBC’s VP Finance Pierre Ouillet has said that “tuition is the only protection [UBC has] against inflation.” In other words, UBC operates in a world of effectively constant provincial government funding, and their other revenue streams have restrictions that tuition doesn’t.

External donations are an important revenue source, but they almost exclusively come tied to specific projects, such as buildings, programs or scholarships. This helps UBC, but doesn’t solve the inflation problem.

The development of market housing and the revenue from land leases is another strong revenue stream, but those profits are now dedicated to financing student housing projects.

Future land lease revenues may also be decreasing as UBC develops its Housing Action Plan and investigates

subsidizing faculty and staff housing to help its workforce live closer to their jobs.

It is sometimes suggested that UBC can find the income through cutting costs by finding efficiencies, but there is a limit to what can be found—and UBC has already capitalized on most of the areas that offer these efficiencies. UBC is steadily being pushed to a position where the only further gains that can be found are to lose, or not hire, personnel.

To fill the gap between the tuition increases and the needed $25 million for inflationary protection, it would mean roughly 150 faculty or staff would need to be downsized, bringing definite reductions in service quality.

The actual dollar figures of the tuition increase are also often misrepresented. In the budget, domestic tuition represents $234 million, which gives the two per cent increase a revenue figure of $4.7 million (not a massive sum of money in UBC’s budget scale). The part of the story that is missed is that the increase is $4.7 million every year, not just this once. When you consider each single increase as a perpetuity over the lifespan of the university, it adds up to $82 million—a very different number to be talking about.

Tuition raises also come under fire because they force one generation to pay more money than the previous one. To a certain extent this is unavoidable; inflation means universities have to raise tuition eventually. But the absence of a tuition cap often makes this worse, as some students will be forced to pay MUCH more than others, rather than a steady increase across generations. If the consistent two per cent raise had been in place since 1996, instead of the freeze following the large raises in the early 2000s, students would in fact be paying 36 per cent less today than they are now. The very nature of a freeze is that universities become increasingly agitated with fiscal pressures and then over-adjust when given an opportunity to recover some revenue.

So some constraint around tuition is very beneficial; UBC’s stance is just that any number below inflation is simply too low.

I understand why students get agitated about annual tuition increases. Many of us are experiencing increasing financial strain, made worse by ballooning housing costs and a failing student loan program. But university administrators are also in a very difficult spot, with budgets becoming ever slimmer and tuition being one of the few revenue sources able to combat inflation.

Many of these fiscal problems can only be truly fixed in the Legislature, not at UBC’s Board of Governors—but that doesn’t mean that students shouldn’t take an intense interest in organizing politically to solve them. While tuition may always be a source of conflict, I hope that the university administration and students at large are still able to align themselves on the points they agree on—such as the need to improve the student loan program—and can lobby for those issues as one loud and effective voice. U Sean Heisler is a departing student representative on UBC’s Board of Governors

Scene

04.05.2012 |

15

Pictures and words on your university experience

Humour>>

Train wrecks>>

What you shouldn’t do at Block Party Notes from a Meathead Drake Fenton When I’m sober I normally have my life in order. When I begin to enjoy a few ales, I turn into a bit of a dud.

During Block Party I become a complete rockpile.

I don’t blame myself for this. How could I? It’s not my fault. I simply drink heavily during Block Party, and in a state of extreme inebriation, how can I be held accountable for my actions?

Saying that, I have been involved in a few questionable activities over the past six years at UBC. So here are two stories you should try not to replicate today. Read on to avoid the embarrassment of my mistakes.

Know where the bathrooms are

Geoff Lister/The Ubyssey

Pictured above, not the best Block Party ever. The reason why? Because it is not the one described in the article below. Because it lacks Bob Marley and there are not enough boobies.

The best Block Party ever!

Warnes World Bryce Warnes It is the last day of classes. Young women with blonde hair and big boobies are showing off their stomachs, which have shiny things stuck in the stomach-hole.

Beefy dudes with workout abs and Norse-type jaws are wearing cargo shorts and visors which are turned upside down and also backwards.

“Hi five bro!” says one of the dudes and you high five him. Today is going to be radical! The sun is shining all golden across UBC. Some of the girls with big boobies have got Super Squirter guns and are shooting at each other.

“Lol omg stop!!” the girls with big boobies say to each other, and their white T-shirts are wet so that you can see their big boobies real good, so it’s almost like they are naked, but they are totally cool with you seeing their boobies so you can look at them as much as you want.

Wowzers! You think to yourself, walking out to MacInnes Field. I am soooo glad I go to UBC! Block Party ROCKS!!

A beefy bro with no shirt and a nipple ring and a tribal barbed wire armband tattoo hands you a red cup filled with crispy brew, and also his number. He has super sensitive eyes. Then an equally attractive and shirtless Jamaican guy comes over, and he’s smoking a biiig doobie!

“Smoke some o’ this mon,” he says, and hands you the big doobie.

You take a puff and you don’t even cough or have a crippling panic attack.

“This the best sensi in the world, mon,” says the Jamaican dude. “It’s from the Jamaican government, mon.” Then he does a sick backflip.

You look at the stage, and guess who is there! Bob Marley!! The AMS spent extra money this year and made Bob Marley come back to life. He is singing a custom version of his most famous reggae music song.

“Jammin, jammin at UBC,” he sings. Then Bob Marley notices you looking at him, and you both make eye contact, and then Bob Marley gives you a thumbs up!

You go to the stage and give him the doobie and he takes a big puff, and then he tells you the secret of life.

Look around you! Everyone is sexy and dancing together.

Dancing to Bob Marley who came

back to life just for this outdoor concert on the campus of a wellrespected Canadian university.

The girls with the wet T-shirts are making out. Then you notice the guys with no shirts are making out. Then they all start making out with each other!

You look at the stage, and guess who is there!

Bob Marley!! The AMS spent extra money this year and made Bob Marley come back to life.

Next to you, UBC President Stephen Toope is painted silver and wearing a thong. His eyes are dilated.

“What I would like to say or express is the idea that in some ways I am totally to a degree into this shirt, where did you get this shirt,” says UBC President Stephen Toope, rubbing against you. “In some respects and with due consideration of the context I would hazard to suggest that, wait, what’s that, Bob Marley?”

Bob Marley grabs UBC President Stephen Toope’s silver-painted hand and pulls him onto the stage, and

now they are singing a duet together!

The duet is “Redemption Song”!

UBC President Stephen Toope grabs a guitar and shreds so hard that the amps explode in a shower of nonburning, non-dangerous sparks.

“A+ for everyone!” says UBC President Stephen Toope, and the crowd goes wild.

Pretty soon, you are in the middle of the makeout party, making out with like 30 people at once. People are making out with their faces, hair, shoulders, ankles, hearts. It is the most arousing feeling you have ever experienced but is not sexually threatening or compromising in any way.

McGill can suck it! You think to yourself, as four separate people rub their ear cartilage against one of your erogenous zones. UBC 4 LIIIIFE!!

The next morning, you wake up in a tub of ice with a note taped to your forehead that says, “CALL THE HOSPITAL.” But it turns out, it was just a prank! Like 80 sexy bros and babes burst in with a camera and say, “GOTCHA!!!”

As you post the video to YouTube and all huddle around the computer and watch it go viral (“One billion hits!” says one of the sexy chicks), you think to yourself, “Best Block Party...EVER!” U

There are many bathrooms on campus. Block Party provides outhouses.

Do you know what isn’t a bathroom?

Your underwear.

If you begin consuming large amounts of liquor early in the morning, keep this tidbit of information in mind. Here is what shouldn’t happen.

You arrive in a Totem residence with a few attractive females you have never met. It is around noon.

You engage them in conversation.

You fart. You follow through. You excuse yourself and head to the bathroom. You discover that you fully sharted. You shower and use their towels to cleanse the Jackson Pollock you have created out of fecal matter.

You do not head back to their room to engage in more conversation. You leave and hope to never see them again.

Keep your pants on, avoid roadies There really isn’t any excuse to be out in public with your pants off. But let’s be honest, people love taking their pants off. The only thing is, once those pants come off you never know what can happen. Here is what shouldn’t do.

You partake in a little streaking session. Another gentleman joins you during this moment of naked joyous running. But then that gentleman turns into a cretin and begins violating your leg with his urine. You are afraid because the cretin is large and could crush you. His urine also seems unlimited. To retaliate you run back to your pants, piss on them, pick them up and slap him in the face with them.

At this moment a tour bus full of roadies pulls up alongside you. The cretin grabs your piss-soaked pants from your hands. He throws them on top of the bus. The bus stops. A large number of burly, tattooed, goateed, bald-headed men with bushy beards exit. They are upset that something was thrown at their bus.

You cower while trying to cover your genitalia. Even the large cretin cowers. After proving their toughness, the roadies return to their bus.

You call out to them meekly, asking if you could retrieve your pants that have become stuck to the top of their bus.

They tell you to fuck off. They drive away with your pants, which have your wallet and all of your identification.

You commute home in a bathrobe. U