Maresa MacKeith and the Politics and Aesthetics Reading Group - 2010

T is is available to listen to at: www.disruptdominantfrequencies.net/main/ernst_bloch/ernst_bloch.html

Maresa My story begins at a special school where we were assessed on our performance and our performance was supposed to prove our understanding. I physically could not perform, so was assumed to have no understanding. In the special schools many kids need so much help that there is never enough quality help around. It is usually just survival. It is also impossible for the kids who can’t talk or move to have relationships with each other, as there is nobody to assist those relationships. Friendship is not on the agenda. When I was eight years old I got my communication system, which enabled me to say what I was thinking. Unfortunately the school was not interested in my system so nothing at the school changed, although at home everything had changed. Eventually I got a place in year f ve at a mainstream primary school for one day a week. T is was great from my point of view because I enjoyed that day and had an assistant who was being taught by us how to assist me. My dif culty was that I missed out the other four days so did not know what was going on. By the second year I wanted to give up on it as it all seemed so hopeless. T en when I was eleven, I went to a comprehensive school. T ere was no choice as in the city there were no wheel-chair accessible secondary schools, so I went to a school miles away which took one and a half hours travelling on the bus each way. Also I was not allowed into ordinary classes. T ey had a special unit for people like me, and the SENCO would not let us teach the assistant my communication system. I was usually on my own, in a room with a glass window where everybody passing could look in on me like a museum specimen. After a few months, I tried to ask some of the kids from my year group to my house, as I wanted to get to know them better. I wrote some notes for the teacher to give out, but

she refused, saying the kids were not ready to come to my house. All our friends were so shocked that they got their children to write letters saying how they would have felt if that had been said to them. T ese were sent to the SENCO, who was the one who had refused to let the notes be given out. T e SENCO had no idea what we were all so upset about, however much our friends tried to explain. T e allies for inclusive education then organized, with lots of the young people, to have a demonstration outside County Hall. T e young people talked to the director of education about the way I was being treated. He was very responsive and listened to us and got the LEA to say they would negotiate with the school. Lots of meetings were held over the next year, but it did not make any dif erence. I was of school at the beginning of year nine, having a big operation. After six weeks when I should have gone back I did not and got a home teacher. T e home teacher was good and she let me learn and write in the way I could but I got very depressed thinking I could never have access to an ordinary education. T e home teacher then negotiated with the local comprehensive school. T is school had been made wheelchair accessible as the city had recently separated from the County Education Authority. T e school nervously said I could start there and we persuaded the school to let us recruit and bring my assistance. T is worked and I began to go to ordinary classes in the summer of year nine. I then had to build my conf dence as I had no idea what the expectations were but I just loved the learning and did well. I got six GCSEs after two years.

Gary If we’re thinking about Utopia or signif cant social change or transformation, it seems to me that what I’ve learnt from you Maresa, is that vulnerability has to be a part of social change. Vulnerability has to be considered as deeply as possible in order that we, we, we the inclusive ‘we’ can move forward together to something better. Maresa If we can’t all feel protected, then we need help. We can’t move. Lorena And one thing I’m thinking is connecting this idea of vulnerability with the idea of stopping competing. Because there is this strive in the human being of development and I think lots of the time it is kind of confused with competition; it is hidden somehow,

sort of competition. But if, for instance, I’m feeling this kind of dif erence that is going on in the room it’s maybe making us… or I feel, it’s making me strive in a dif erent way, but strive in my ability to listen. And it’s very interesting how that has changed and it’s just percept wise, something about perception, no? Tim Listening to you say about striving to listen… It seems to me that there’s two sides to vulnerability. Because there’s the kind of the willingness to be vulnerable and then there’s the willingness to accept someone else’s vulnerability. And I think that they’re the kind of the two things to go… actually what you were saying Gary… about perhaps on a larger social scale that they’re the two blocks. And I’m f nding myself wondering about what’s the block to accepting someone else’s vulnerability? Whether it’s the teacher from Maresa’s story or something. It kind of makes more sense to me that people might f nd it hard to show vulnerability themselves because there’s an ego thing involved or there’s that sense of people might take advantage or all the things that you can be scared of but… what are the blocks that people have with accepting other peoples vulnerability other than… is it just dif erence? Is that people’s dif culty? Lorena It’s like… Sorry… I f nd something quite dif cult to articulate at present. I don’t know if you were saying the same thing I was saying? Or if you were saying something dif erent. I’m thinking of when I’m thinking of listening, I’m also thinking of listening inside. And in a sense listening inside is like one starts listening to one’s vulnerability. Vulnerability becomes more accepted. Does that make sense? Caroline I feel the reason people can’t accept another persons vulnerability is because they’ve been hurt around their own. You know, their own vulnerability hasn’t been accepted by other people. Tim Mhm, ‘I’ve had to put up with that so why should I be accepting of yours?’ T at kind of attitude, yeah. Caroline For instance, you know if as a child you can’t ever be hurt and be allowed to express the fact that you’ve been hurt you know you really are going to develop a hardness, aren’t you? And then that hardness… you’re going to want to put other people down who haven’t got that hardness. You know, you can see it in boys, especially boys. Adolescent boys… and it’s quite… I f nd it quite scary. Because you can just see them… So scared! T ey’re so scared aren’t they? Penny T ere’s like a test that goes on at school for weakness and then someone that has weakness gets picked on like it’s just… that’s how it happens. Caroline It’s really scary I f nd. Dan So it’s being innate then, rather than a social construct? I’m just wondering if, you know 106

if our attitude to vulnerability in the West might dif er from the attitude to vulnerability in the East? Or whether like you’re saying, it seems like it’s like a primordial… you know, some sort of innate fear that might, like you’re saying exists more in men, say, than in women. Caroline Well I don’t think it’s innate because, a lot of women they develop a hardness as well. I think it shows in a dif erent way in women. You can watch young women as well, and the competition of what you look like, you know the being thin and you know, there’s all sorts of stuf that goes on… Lena I’m tempted to ask the children because they’re getting a bit anxious here and wanting to go away… You know like in your school where you go to, are there certain children that like, I don’t know, you pick on? Or… you know like this whole thing with bullying that’s going… Neal I’m not bullying anyone! Lena No… Gabriel It’s anti-bullying week! How should we bully? (T ey all laugh) Lena T at’s what we are talking about here! Ange What about next week? (T ey all laugh) Dan Yeah, what about the other 51 weeks of the year – back to normal? Gabriel 52 isn’t there? Neal I done anti-bullying week. Ange Ah. What does that mean then? What changes at school during anti-bullying week? Neal No bullying. Penny No bullying at all? So what happens when it’s not anti-bullying week? Gabriel Well, erm… You can bully all you want. (T ey all laugh) Dan T at’s dead funny.

Gary First of all I just want to congratulate Tim on getting ‘Bloch’ in! Because you said there are two ‘Blochs’ in vulnerability. Ange What’s the block? Dan T at confused me as well

Gary I thought that was absolute genius. I thought that was fantastic. But what interests me about this situation now and the fact that it’s being recorded which is very much on the forefront of my mind, is this sort of dif cult idea that if we’re interested in social justice and moving forward and building a better future, and we think that vulnerability can be a key feature – then it seems to me that vulnerability embodies something almost anti-rational, something that I don’t quite know what to do with because all of the ways that I’ve been trained, all of the discourses that I’ve been trained in don’t, don’t prepare me for an encounter with vulnerability. Because there’s something anti-rational or just non-rational about it. So I don’t know how I can then speak about it, I have to feel it. And I can feel it really clearly exactly because I’m conscious that I’m being recorded and I’m conscious that you’re here Maresa, and I’m conscious that… Sid’s just farted. (T ey all laugh) Ange Smell radio coming to you soon! (T ey all laugh) Gary And I’m conscious that my kids are here who are sick of grown-ups talking like this

and Sid Yeah, I am! Gary So I’m thinking if it’s possible lads for us to make a better tomorrow then I have to stop talking this way don’t I? Gabriel Yeah! T at’d be boss! Lena How should we talk then? Neal Use an easy language! Gary I don’t know Neal Using the slang! Gary Well Maresa you make me really conscious that the way that I talk is not the normal way to talk. You make me ref ect on the fact that I’m not the ‘normal’ one. Because you remind me that there are other ways to talk. Gabriel Yeah there is…

Gary Sorry Lorena, I… Lorena I just wanted to say something. I’m just thinking… which is that it’s weird because I’m thinking that now I’m talking about vulnerability, but I’m really referring to strength on some level.

Tim It takes conf dence to be vulnerable Lorena Yeah, and it takes, it takes awareness. And it takes a lot of connection with the self to be vulnerable. And I’m just thinking now of Maresa in particular, I don’t know if you Maresa are an exceptional case in your ability to be with your own vulnerability. Do you know what I mean? Maresa I don’t think I’m… I don’t think I’m exceptional. I know other people like me in dif erent ways. But I think the way we are isn’t seen as ordinary. It’s seen as a one-of or like that. Lorena I didn’t understand the last word. Caroline One of , you understand that expression? ‘One of ’? Lorena Ah, ok Lena And how would we def ne it? Because Neal was asking, what is vulnerability? I mean just as a word? What does it mean? Lorena To be vulnerable… To be exposed? Dan In this piece of writing, Maresa, you seem to describe it as ‘dependency’? Maybe more… you say when we’re young or old, or unwell, or some of us are vulnerable all the time Lena (Explaining to a child a word he doesn’t understand) Interdependency. So when you need someone all the time. Like for example, Sid is vulnerable. Because we can’t leave him alone, he needs someone all the time to take care of him. Neal Like the dog always needs attention? Lena Yeah, the dog always needs attention! Tim T ere’s something quite honest about it I think. T at it’s clearly stated. It’s very clear that Sid needs someone all the time. Ange It’s because you can get hurt. I think it’s about the possibility that you can get hurt by something or another thing. Lena Yeah, for example: physical danger. But also, kind of I’m thinking also psychological danger, even worse. If I’m to just leave him and he’s asleep and then he wakes up and there is no one there and then… you know, how will that impact him? So it is both, I think. You know like… we can’t leave, or even… (To one of the children) Can we leave you alone? We did leave you once… Neal Yeah! Only for a bit like an hour or so. Gabriel And you left me! Lena Yeah, you two together. Gabriel And you left me alone with Sid on bonf re night! Dan T is is being recorded, you might end up in prison!

(T ey all laugh) Lena It was completely Gary’s idea! Gary Eh, don’t be passing the buck here girl! Lena No, I was really moved by that piece of writing by Maresa where she’s talking about dependency and this crazy drive for individuality and that’s something which I feel that it’s being… I don’t know how to phrase this because I’m being recorded! Okay, say in feminist studies. What I found was women striving for individuality is linked with the ideas of consumer capitalism. And it links to this kind of ‘Feminism on the telly’. Or these like great women that manage to do everything, businesswomen; you know, they can do it all. And, but also, I found it with some performance practitioners. It’s all about individuality and kind of artists and if they can ‘make it’. Some quite radical ones as well, never thinking in terms of actually being dependent on someone which is a radical thing to actually never let go! Always be together! All in a big bed together! (Laughing). Gabriel (Chanting) No ifs, no buts, no education cuts… Dan T at’s why I was wondering before whether vulnerability relates to society. It seems to tie in a lot with this idea of a meritocracy and neo-liberal structures to do with ‘success’ and competition. Penny Producing your own ‘Self’. Dan Yeah Maresa I think it’s sad that places like India and China have to become like the USA to be seen as powerful. It feels like the same stuf . Gary I think that’s a really good example. A global example or what we’re trying to f sh for on an individual scale. It’s exactly the same problem, I agree. It’s, we were talking about this a while ago Lena, this idea of a capitalistic subjectivity. T at we have engrained in our very being, in a sense that we’re trained, we’re sort of trained to death to compete. And strive for… Why is it whenever I speak Sid farts?! Is he commenting on what I’m saying? (T ey all laugh) Dan It’s the equivalent of the swearbox that Ange was talking about. Gary Sid you’re making me feel really vulnerable in this situation. It’s a good example I think, because it tells us that the logic of success happens on a global scale with China and India. But also on an individual scale where we seek to better our lives. So we have to have a nice house or a good car or all that nonsense. And I think that’s at the heart of this. I think we have to be able to notice how we’ve been trained, and then say ‘no.’ Maresa I agree. Lorena And can I ask a question, because just before thinking about ‘What is vulnerability?’ and

I was thinking about speaking. If vulnerability is about dependency, what happens when we’re trying to articulate something and we can’t? T at’s vulnerable, somehow. But then, that’s a vulnerable position but is it a position? What kind of dependency implies that? It’s a dif erent kind of dependency to how I normally think ‘dependency’.