Tutum Journal | Issue 1 | Spring 2021 | For & By Childless Women

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spring 2021 • issue 1 • self-discovery

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Journal

A Dwelling Place For Childless Women In Every Season

The Path to Self-Discovery

tutumjournal.com www.tutumjournal.com

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What Is Self-Discovery?

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How I Survived Infertility Without Losing My Faith

Podcaster BonnieRuth Rolf reveals how she kept her faith during one of the darkest moments of her life.

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Healing The Wounds of Perinatal Loss

Author Sasha Kershaw Reid and the founder of Perinatal Loss & Involuntary Childlessness Alliance, advises on coping with pregnancy loss.

Cover Photo: ELENA ZHURAVLEVA

CONTENTS

Self-discovery coach Sara Katherine breaks down how to better understand who you are and how you can improve your life.

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Living Alone During A Pandemic

Three single childless women in America reflect on their lowest moments to the most enlightening lessons while living alone during a pandemic.

in every issue Page 4

CONTRIBUTORS Page 5 Page 16

3 Steps To Kick-Start A Life You Love

EDITOR’S LETTER Page 5

A 3-step blueprint worksheet to get unstuck and live your best life.

TUTUM SURVEY

Page 18

Readers reveal what they think about key subjects relevant to the childless community.

8 Women Around The World Share How They Cope With Childlessness Eight women around the world share how they cope with childlessness, and how they forged their path to healing.

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Finding Your Place In A Mother-Centric World Four women reveal how they discovered fulfilling lives beyond childlessness.

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NAVIGATING AGING Exploring topics, gaining new perspectives, advice, and relevant information associated with women aging without children.

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GAME CHANGER Spotlighting the achievements of childless/childfree women.

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Reclaiming the B-Word

MEDICAL AWAKENING

Katy Lindemann of Uber Barrens Club talks about her reclamation movement for the word, ‘barren.’

Examines medical conditions and relevant information of interest to childless/childfree women.

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Write Your Life: Start With Journaling

BRIDGING THE GAP

Author coach Anita Henderson shares how journaling leads you to explore the depths of who you are and to learn from what you discover.

A Q&A column to bridge the gap between childless/childfree women and industry experts.

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90 Days To Begin Your Self-Discovery Journey

TUTUM FAVORITES

On your road to self-discovery, these Cognitive Behavioral Therapyinspired journal prompts will help you to get to know and love yourself.

Highlights products from childless/childfree female business owners.

VOLUME 1, NUMBER 1, Tutum Journal™ (ISSN 2766-9580) is published quarterly by Tutum Global. For more information about Tutum Journal, please visit us at www.tutumjournal.com, or email us at info@tutumjournal.com. www.tutumjournal.com

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FOUNDER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Jobi Tyson

EDITORIAL Charlie Bishop Anita Henderson Brandi Lytle

CONTRIBUTORS Sara Katherine Katy Lindemann Sasha Kershaw Reid BonnieRuth Rolf

Tutum Journal would like to thank the following people (and anonymous donors) for backing our crowdfunding campaign. This magazine would not be possible without your support.

FOUNDING SUBSCRIBERS Agnes Marfo-Jackson, Alison Heatherington, Andrea Riedle, Anita R. Henderson, Ann Marie Ward, Anne Brock, Anne Kirby, C. Gail Bickers Bowens, Cheri Lowe-Hardy, Crystal Kofie, Dannie-Lu Carr, Deena Drysdale, Gerri Bauer, Gisela Haensel, Helen Robertson, Janine Smith, Jen Knutson, Jody Day, Jonathan Bowens, Kate Kaufmann, Katherine A. Newton, Kathryn DeJong, Katja Helenelund, Katy Lindemann, Katy Seppi, Lana Walker, Liz Cumberland, Marcia Baldwin, Marie-Frances Hill, Melissa Miller, Michelle and Brian Motherway, Mina Sedgman, Monica and Eric Hedman, Naomi Baird, Nicole Prattis, Rae Ann Van Beers, Ralph and Gwen Everett, Rebecca Edwards, Sarah Jane Smith, Sarah Markham, Sharon Halstead, Sherri Plenge, Sindy Kaur, Stacy Nedza, Susan M. Imholt, Suzanne Baron, Sylvia Timothy-Sims, Tanya Woolley, Tonya Thompson

FOUNDING SUPPORTERS Alai González, Brandi Lytle, Catrina Dupuis, Carly Rolfe, Cathy Vivian-Baxter, Christina Thair, Claire Gulliver, Courtney Zemerick, Erin Douglas, Garrott Johnson, Helga Zuccaro, Julia Acton, Kaira Saunders, Karen Abi-Karam, Kate Gwynne, Kate McGoey, Lisa Moore, Liz Campbell, Melissa Jones, Rickey Dickerson, Ruth Blakeborough, Sandra Zuccaro, Simoni Pilavakis, Sue Bulmer, Susan Cerbone

© 2021 Tutum Global. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in part, or in whole, without prior written permission, excepting brief quotations in connection with reviews written specifically for inclusion in magazines, newspapers, blogs, or limited excerpts strictly for personal use. Designed in the U.S.A.

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EDITOR'S LETTER + FEEDBACK The Inner Narrative of Unworthiness

One of our longest-running inner narratives, expressed by thousands of involuntarily childless women around the world, is that I’m not good enough — that I’m not woman enough, somehow unworthy to love, or to simply be.

We’re unworthy of happiness, of putting our worthiness out in the world, of feeling secure, of adding something meaningful in the world. We’re unworthy of success, peace, and loving relationships. We’re unworthy of feeling whole again.

We’re not good enough to find deeper purpose, pursue a lifelong dream, or put our story of involuntary childlessness out in public.

But it’s just a narrative, right? Just a story that plays repeatedly, until it beats us down into submission. The narrative isn’t true. Worse, it hurts every part of our lives. We’re only half in relationships, hiding ourselves, rarely honest, never fully committed. We’re anxious, afraid of failure, rarely putting ourselves out there; and if we do, it’s just to prove our worthiness. It LORIKAY PHOTOGRAPHY

holds us back, makes us procrastinate, and hurts our physical and mental health.

Before launching Tutum Journal, the narrative asserted itself as, “I’ll never be able to pull off something of this magnitude.” Even after 20 years as an advertising executive, my inner critic led me to question my worth and expertise for trailblazing such a project.

The day I decided to countdown the launch of Tutum Journal, I made a mantra to start seeing the world in a new way: “I am worthy, and the world needs your gift.”

I repeated this until I started to believe it. If I noticed my heart fluttering from shortcomings or rejection, I repeated it. Soon, I couldn’t hear the other narrative so much.

Next, I let the narrative dissolve. I noticed how the narrative made me feel—anxious, fearful, uninspired. I asked myself the magical question, “What would I be like without this narrative?”

I imagined what it would be like if this narrative couldn’t consume me. Now, I’m immersed in this moment, free of the narrative. I open my heart to the moment, to the beauty of the person in the mirror. What an incredible gift, to be completely in love with how things are, with myself, and this trailblazing feat.

Much like our first issue’s theme of self-discovery, I charge you to look at yourself through brand-new lens in your path to rediscovery. Here’s to loving what you see!

TUTUM SURVEY

WHAT YOU TOLD US As the Childless Not By Choice (CNBC) community are increasingly controlling our narratives and indicating who we are to society, we decided to take a poll, and asked over 400 CNBC women about their preferred terminology, using question-wording: If you are CNBC, do you prefer childless or childfree?

55% Childfree

45% Childless

While the results were significantly close, they also provided valuable information on how we can earnestly attempt to use the term that is most acceptable to the group being described. www.tutumjournal.com

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DISCOVERY?

WHAT IS

SELF

BY SARA KATHERINE

P

ersonal development has been growing in popularity within the last couple of years. Whether it’s books,

Let’s get down to basics and explore all of the different exciting aspects of self-discovery:

podcasts, or inspirational documentaries, people are

seeking a better understanding of who they are and how they can improve their life. A huge part of this personal growth movement is self-discovery.

Traditionally, self-discovery is simply known as discovering something about yourself, which is easy enough to understand. Most people associate self-discovery with taking a personality test or doing some deep soul searching to figure out your dream job.

However, self-discovery goes way beyond just finding out your personality type or your perfect job. In fact, selfdiscovery is almost every aspect of personal development.

While yes, the previous examples do fall under this umbrella, what many don’t know is just how deep self-discovery can go when exploring these parts of personal development.

Discovering Your Passions Is there anything in your life that you can happily spend time on for hours and completely lose track of your day? Discovering your passions is one of the most exciting parts of self-exploration because there can be a wide range of possibilities that you aren’t even aware of yet. Plus, they can change and develop as you evolve.

If you’re not quite sure if you have any passions, simply take 10 minutes a day to explore something that interests you. This could be anything, like researching a new hobby or signing up for an art class. Maybe you invested in a fancy camera in the past and it’s been collecting dust for too long? Take it out, look up some online tutorials and start dedicating some time to see if this interest transforms into something bigger.

Pursuing new passions is a wonderful and exciting way to learn more about yourself and bring more joy and positive change into your life.

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Finding Out What Motivates You

about who you are and what you want in life requires positive

For those days you feel stuck in a rut and need that kick-start

gain and lose relationships with others as you grow older.

towards productivity, it’s helpful to have an arsenal of tactics

Certain people fit into specific times in your life, and when

that help you feel motivated again. Do you know any quotes

you grow into a new stage, some friends may not fit your new

that resonate with you? Maybe some songs help light the fire?

needs.

How about meditation techniques to help you clear your mind and find focus for productivity?

people who fit into the life you’re living. This is why you may

If you’re unsure about what you need and if your relationships are a positive fit in your life, take some time to evaluate your

There is an abundance of articles online about finding

values. What’s important to you in life? What do you think

motivation, but only you can discover what truly resonates and

creates a healthy friendship? Once you’ve pinpointed these

works for you the best.

needs, take a look at the people in your life and see if they fit into what you’ve written down. You may discover some of your

Figuring Out Your Purpose

relationships aren’t serving you in the way you need.

What are you meant to do in your lifetime? This doesn’t

Discovering Your Mental Capabilities

necessarily mean what you are “meant to do” for your career, but more of what purpose do you feel you need to serve to

Mental health is slowly becoming more and more acceptable

make an impact in the world?

to talk about on a more casual level than in the years past,

Now I know that sounds rather intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be scary. Making an impact during your lifetime could be something even as simple as reaching out to one person to

which is fantastic progress for such an important topic. With that in mind, now is the best time to spend time reflecting on your mental health and capabilities.

help brighten their day with your radiant smile and positivity.

What does this mean, you ask? Well, while some people may

Sure, some people may find their purpose to be something

be aware of any mental health issues or struggles with anxiety

huge like selling all their belongings and moving to another

or depression, we ALL need to be in tune with our mind and

country to help conserve the environment, and that’s great

heart. When you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or simply a

too! Not one person’s purpose is better than another’s. What

bit off, those are signs that your mind, heart, and soul are trying

matters is you are creating a positive difference and feeling

to let you know you need to take time for self-care.

aligned with your soul in the process.

Keep an eye on your triggers and don’t be afraid to turn inward

Discovering your purpose doesn’t come at any specific time

when you’re feeling off or overwhelmed. Learning more about

in life. Don’t pressure yourself to have it all figured out right

yourself and your mental capabilities will help you not only

now. Regardless of age, you have so much life left to explore. I

feel more connected with your inner self but also create an

recommend simply following what feels good and even asking

effective strategy for preventing future breakdowns or simply

your friends what types of activities help you shine like the

feel more mentally balanced on a more consistent basis.

beautiful human you are. Stay curious, and you’ll never know what you’ll discover about yourself.

Learning What You Need In Relationships Whether you’re in a relationship with a significant other or spend time with important friendships, you will have needs and expectations that are different than anyone else. This is another part of you that can change over time, learning more

Essentially, self-discovery is an all-encompassing journey of getting to know yourself better, what makes you tick, and how you go about life.

Sara Katherine (@sarakatherineblog) is an author and selfdiscovery coach. This article has been adapted from a longer feature appearing on www.sara-katherine.com

www.tutumjournal.com

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HOW I SURVIVED

INFERTILITY

WITHOUT

Infertility is like walking through a maze in the dark with a blindfold on and our hands tied. Literally not knowing what is or what will be and its leads to a place of not even knowing what should be. It is this fine line of putting all our faith in ourselves, in our efforts, in the goal while trying to let faith be the guide. My faith goes deep, not to survive what I have been through, but so I thrive through and beyond it. Thriving does

LOSING FAITH

not negate the pain, and it is not minimizing the chaos of this

BY BONNNIERUTH ROLF

stand.

infertility/childless journey I have now found myself on. Faith is a constant discovery, and its depth is far beyond what we can see. Faith leads, it reveals, and it is the foundation on which we

Though every person’s idea of spirituality will be personal to them, here are some ways that I survived infertility without losing faith.

We

•

Daily engagement: Scripture or music always keeps my soul engaged.

• are often taught that “faith” is about getting

what we want by fighting hard and never giving up. The illusion of that is, it is on us to fight for it and faith will make up the

and that my faith is a sustainer.

•

but when we speak out loud, our spirit and soul hear it. It

infertility, is that faith essentially takes on the fight and assures

causes us to pivot towards a healthy perspective versus

we are not caught in the knockout round. Faith is not about

the chaos our minds can keep spinning.

work alone. It is the surrender of faith during the practical steps •

to rise up.

is nothing that can reveal this quite like fighting round after office, sitting in the lobby, wondering if it “worked this time,” can often try to convince us that our faith has wavered. We question the depth of our faith in moments, as our faith feels tainted and faded each time our body fails us. Disappointment starts to try to shape for us our worth. Faith is not a genie in a bottle.

It is not meant to be something that taunts us with perfection.

Faith’s definition is not created to be a lingering unattainable goal. It is not a definition of our greatness but rather reveals our greatness.

Faith reminds us in our darkest moments who we are. It is what rises on the inside of us when we cannot see light. Faith leads us on a path to discover resilience amid sorrow. It is the foundation we stand on when nothing else makes sense.

Self-care: Time for ourselves creates the ability to lean into faith. It reminds us that we matter, and faith has room

Faith sustains and steadies us in the midst of the battle. There round in the ring with infertility. Those moments at the Dr.’s

Self-talk: I think it is vital that we speak to ourselves. Our minds often can take over creating the energy we live in,

difference. What I have come to realize through my battle with

we are taking to gain ground in an area of our life.

Community: My faith community reminds me who I am

•

Authenticity: I believe that God can handle it when I am not ok. It is truly in those moments that I require the most faith. He can handle the gamut of emotions that come when walking through infertility and the path of childlessness. What is the point of having faith if it is not present in the midst of the good, the bad, and the ugly?

That is what it is for—sustaining me when I am not ok and reminding me when I am! I must be authentic within myself and with God to truly live “authentic faith.”

No matter what season of your journey you find yourself, I hope that you will see that grabbing hold of faith is not choosing to live in wishful thinking. Rather, it is choosing to hold onto what will keep you standing whether the wishes come true or not.

Holding us up when we feel as though we cannot get up. It is the moments we feel lost, alone, and like giving up on ourselves that faith sustains. It is hope for what we cannot see.

BonnieRuth Rolf (@barrennotbroken) is the podcast host of Barren Not Broken.

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HEALING THE WOUNDS OF PERINATAL LOSS

BY SASHA KERSHAW REID

W

e underwent IVF but suffered a devastating miscarriage at 12 weeks. Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was

no longer able to pursue either IVF or adoption due to Australian laws.

We attempted the surrogacy path—twice—and baby Joshua was born at 24 weeks, alive, but not for long. Yet another devastation.

Consequently, I had to walk away from the pursuit of motherhood, since I was unable to endure any more heartache. In a quest to throw a lifeline to others who have faced similar heartache, I founded the Perinatal Loss & Involuntary Childlessness Alliance.

For those who have also walked this troubled path, here you will find ways to allow yourself to mourn your loss, to find hope toward the future.

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Understand the grieving process

Move toward healing Moving through your grief begins with gently and painstakingly

After a perinatal loss, you endure a kind of grief

disconnecting from prevailing cultural assumptions about how people

that is complex and multifaceted:

think life ‘ought to be.’ These assumptions serve only to intensify our

•

Dealing with loss or multiple losses (unborn, born early, sleeping, or leaving too soon)

•

The loss of an envisaged future

•

Alienation from a community ill-equipped to deal with the magnitude of this kind of grief

Perinatal loss reminds us of the fragility of life and the irrevocable connection between love, loss, and grief. The insidious taboo that hovers around perinatal loss further invalidates a woman’s experience of grief, often making her feel invisible.

Since our lives are intimately tied to our reproductive cycles, from the first shedding of

grieving process, making us feel as though we have fallen short of artificial benchmarks of wholeness, negating, and invalidating our experience of loss and grief.

One of the most important things to reflect on in your journey through grief is that grief takes time. Hurrying the process along or fitting into other people’s timelines for healing only serves to hinder your healing process. The biggest gift you can give to yourself is time, space, selfcare, and empathy. Time and space are what your heart needs to begin the slow process of healing.

There are a few things that you can do to move toward healing: •

from bottling up your emotions and how you feel.

•

environment.

connection between biology and psychology •

reinforced by prevailing cultural narratives around motherhood and identity. Therefore, if a woman does not fall pregnant, or experiences perinatal loss, she may feel like she is falling

Walking in nature is a great way to slow down and get present to reconnect with your body and the healing energy of the natural

the uterine lining to the last and beyond, the shapes our sense of identity and is constantly

Use journaling to track your thoughts, which helps to stop you

Taking a time-out is essential and gives you breathing room for healing.

•

Protecting yourself from environments that are draining and toxic is important, especially while you are in the early phases of grief.

short of misguided concepts of what is considered ‘normal,’ giving rise to feelings of inadequacy or feeling ‘defective.’ Therefore, her role as giver-of-life is challenged and the negative impact on her sense of identity and personal efficacy compounds her loss and grief.

Hope for the future When you extricate yourself from a narrative that does not support your journey, you begin to make tiny steps toward healing and peace.

This is the beginning of integrating loss and grief into your identity – an identity shaped by your experience.

Your journey to the other side of grief invites you to honour your pain, not brush it aside as inconsequential or insignificant. You can only invite the possibility of hope and healing into your future, when you recognize and acknowledge your loss and grief.

Know this: you are grieving, you have endured loss, and every emotion that you feel is valid. You are not going mad. You are grieving. Grieving takes time and patience. Time and patience make healing possible.

Sasha Kershaw Reid (@pl.ic.alliance) is the founder of PLICA (Perinatal Loss & Involuntary Childlessness Alliance) and an author who writes under the pen name, SK Reid. www.tutumjournal.com

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Living Alone During a Pandemic

BY JOBI TYSON

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t

he lowest moments to the most enlightening lessons.

As Zora Neale Hurston wrote in her beloved classic Their Eyes Are Watching God, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” The now-infamous COVID-19 crisis did both, making it quite an enigma. The year kicked off on a tremendously anticipative note as #2020Vision hashtags and mindsets emerged. Collectively, we envisioned becoming more like the selves we’ve always longed to be.

Then, as stay-at-home orders were issued across the world earlier last year, we entered an unprecedented time. As the terms “quarantine,” “pandemic,” and “self-isolation” have become part of our everyday vocabulary, people spent more time at home than we ever have. With all that’s going on, it is particularly critical for childless women who live alone to put their health, wellness, and self-care first. While those who live under the same roof with family members or a significant other haven’t skipped a beat when it comes to social connection. However, for those who are childless and live alone, it’s been a bit disparate.

We checked in with three women to find out what it’s really been like living alone in America during a global health crisis. As they reflected on being sequestered amidst a pandemic, they shared with us observations that were incredibly straightforward, touching, and honest. From their most difficult moments to the most life-affirming lessons they have learned in isolation, these women bared it all.

Nashuda, 42, New York On living alone during quarantine...

“I’ve always loved living alone, but not being able to spend time with my family and friends has been incredibly difficult. It’s hard to think that this could be our “new normal,” and a part of me doesn’t want to accept it. I am in the percentage of people with health issues, so I am always being tested even if I venture out of my house for a few hours.

Not being able to give someone a bone squeezing, thoroughly I love you so much it hurts hug, makes me sad. Connection and building relationships are important to me and it’s hard to do that over Zoom.”

On the highs and lows...

“The lowest moment has been going in and out of depression because I can’t comprehend the amount of loss the world experienced in 2020.

The highest moment I’ve experienced is being a first-year graduate student at NYU online. And, since I’ve been craving some kind of life form around me, I’ve become a plant mom. I am far from having a green thumb, but I know that even in the midst of this chaos, God still sustains me just like he sustains the plants in my apartment.”

On the life-changing lessons...

“On October 2019, I underwent surgery to have a full hysterectomy. I was still working through the grief and was slowly but surely starting to feel like myself again when the pandemic hit. In the midst of all of that, I didn’t know what the future held for me. The only way out of all this was to up my faith. Knowing that I didn’t have to carry the burden of the world on my shoulders and to know that I can lay it down before God really helped me. This experience even gave me a new perspective to helping others in need.”

On coping...

“Maintaining my relationship with God has really helped me during this pandemic. Going to therapy once a week also helps me sort out my emotions when I feel like I can’t handle it on my own.”

On how others can offer support to those who live alone…

“To those who can’t seek therapy, having video calls with like-minded women or friends that you can meet once a week, or when you need a friend to talk to, can help.”

On what you discovered about yourself since the pandemic…

“The pandemic truly brought to light the things that I need to work on, things I am working on so that I can be a better me. I am my own unique person, and I am more than enough. I also discovered that self-care is important, and I am trying to get into new habits that will eventually turn into a healthier lifestyle. I have so much to give in this life, so much love, so much heart, and so much fight. I can only do that when I take care of my physical and mental health. I am in a refining season in my life, and although life might be scary at the moment, once all of those impurities are gone… I WILL SHINE!” www.tutumjournal.com

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Isah, 42, Texas On living alone during quarantine...

“As an introvert by nature, I’ve enjoyed it. I like that fewer people ask me to go out.”

On the highs and lows...

“The lowest moment was the cancellation of my annual vacation. The highest moment was purchasing a virtual reality system so I can virtually travel to fun places and meet new people.”

On the life-changing lessons...

“You gotta know and love yourself. The pandemic has different effects on people, and I’ve learned how important it is to keep myself safe in the house.”

On coping...

“I make a lot of video calls to family and friends. I use this time to catch up on the important things.”

On how others can offer support to those who live alone…

“Check on them periodically. Ask how they are doing. Share their stories, and call them.”

Marie, 41, Washington On living alone during quarantine...

“The pandemic has been very isolating for me. I do not have close local friends who are single, and my siblings and parents live in a different state. Close friends (friends who I’ve shared a little about my childlessness) are far away and have checked in via text or phone calls, but it has been challenging to relate as they all have partners and children. I’ve gone almost a year without a hug or touch from a loved one. That lack of contact has been really tough. Even just having someone to bounce ideas off, help motivate me to do something (other than staying home all day), or help get some perspective when things felt like they were spinning out of control... that companionship and sense that someone is “in it with you” has been really difficult to live without during this stressful time.”

On the highs and lows...

“The lowest moments have been scary medical emergencies, massive extended disruptions to my living space, and people I’ve trusted and relied on betraying and abandoning me. Also, celebrating holidays by myself, while watching everyone else nestle down with their partner and children, and still wading through the grief of my childlessness. The highest moment has been leaning a lot on my sister. Even though she is far away, she holds space for me and emphatically understands how hard this is, even though she does not live alone. Also, I was able to get a pet during this time, so that companionship has made a huge difference for me.”

On the life-changing lessons...

“The pandemic has really extended and intensified the friendships I was losing during childlessness. I felt isolated and distant from friends before the pandemic because of my childlessness, but now those connections are all but gone. It is sad, but I feel like I have pulled back the facade on many of these relationships and seen that they were not very strong. I have survived a lot this year and have more confidence in my own resilience and self-sufficiency... because I had to. I didn’t know that living even more independently was an area I needed to grow even more in. This has helped me learn where I want to focus my energy in relationships moving forward.”

On coping...

“I have a therapist who I, remotely, see regularly.”

On how others can offer support to those who live alone…

“Friends who don’t live alone should consider asking what it’s like. In my experience, no one seems to be curious and I wish my friends showed more interest in that I’m living alone

On what you discovered about yourself since the pandemic…

through a pandemic. It helps to know that people care how hard this can be.”

On what you discovered about yourself since the pandemic…

“I discovered that I truly like being

“I have learned that the skills and characteristics I thought would have made me an amazing

with myself. A decade ago, this

mother really make me a wonderful friend, a caring family member, and are things I can draw

would have broken me down.

Now, it’s just like ‘eh’...I’m rarely bored with being by myself.”

on to make change happen in this world to help others. I have learned that being childless in our mother-obsessed society helps me understand others a little better who are not seen and who have needs that are invisible to the majority. It has helped me understand better that we all are inherently valuable and incredibly unique as human beings on this Earth.”

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The

3

Step Blueprint

to Kick-start a Life You Love

BY SARA KATHERINE

Step 1: Evaluate In order to figure out what’s missing and create a life you love, you’ll need to first reflect and evaluate where you are and what’s happening right now.

Take some time to think about your current situation. Where are you in life? What’s happening?

Is there anything in particular that you’re unhappy about or want to change?

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Step 2: discover Now that you’re a bit more self-aware of where you are right now, it’s time to explore your interests and passions, maybe even discover some new ones too!

What are some things you love to do? Is there anything in particular you’ve been thinking about exploring lately?

Research some of the interests you included in the previous question and choose your top three favorites that interest you most. What are some ways you can start including them in your life?

Step 3: plan It’s time to set some goals and figure out how you’re going to start making changes to create a life you love!

What areas of your life do you need to focus on the most right now?

With your priorities and chosen interests in mind, create at least three goals to help you integrate these interests and improve your life. (Example: if you want to learn an instrument, set a goal to sign up for lessons!)

Start working towards these goals to bring more joy in your life!

If you feel stuck at any time, simply try these steps again and explore new interests. It’s time to discover what that is for you! www.tutumjournal.com

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Women Around the World Share How They Cope with Childlessness

BY JOBI TYSON

The skill of coping is highly underrated, and our inability to cope with difficult feelings can lead to major life problems. When you find yourself facing difficult feelings, your first reaction might be to avoid thinking about the feelings. But, learning to cope with self-compassion, and an attitude of openness can prove to be worthwhile.

Eight women around the world openly share how they cope with childlessness, and how they forged their path to healing.

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Anne, Indiana

Erica, South Korea

“I have this deep trust that if my body tells me it cannot do

“I cope with involuntary childlessness by stopping to

something, then I need to listen. If my ovaries do not have

acknowledge how painful this experience really is. I no

eggs, then maybe there’s a reason. Yes, it’s painful and

longer ignore it or mask it with busyness or insincere

heartbreaking, but we also believe it is the right choice for us.

feelings. I let the pain have its moment and identify

So, for the last three years, my husband and I have been slowly

what I can do to grow from that awareness. I recognize

working our way through the grief, giving ourselves the space,

that I can no longer be the person that I was before this

we need to process. We are finally coming out of that and

pain, and I can no longer pretend that it doesn’t exist

looking toward the future with hope, which in the beginning, I

or that it doesn’t affect me. So, I make an effort to find

did not think was possible.”

whatever tools I need to help me to grow – whether that’s finding a supportive circle, finding a competent

Carly, Australia

counselor, learning what resources I have at my

“Initially, I blamed myself and that took a significant amount

thoughts that impede me from seeing my strengths

of time and counselling to work through. My husband and I

and all the good around me. I have learned that the

focus has now shifted to building the best possible life we can

most significant battles we will ever fight are the ones

together, trying to enjoy all that comes within our life, looking

in our minds – our own internal voice and beliefs.

to travel more and we look to appreciate something every day.

Changing our perspective is one of the most powerful

There are days when it can still be difficult when all our friends

tools we will ever use.”

disposal, or challenging false mindsets and negative

and family are together with their kids and showing photos.

So, we try to think of what our life brings us, like sleep-ins, concerts, travel, etc.”

Stephanita, Texas “I have always sought the help of a counselor and

LL, Tennessee

have been a part of support groups as well as have

“I have created ways to support children in my work,

the communities on social media has been a great

which gives me space for a nurturing role. I also relish

comfort. I also love to travel and plan adventures for

my role as an aunt, both to my biological and friend

myself and the people in my life very often. I love

families. I have deep friendships that many mothers

immersive theater and travel to see it whenever I can.”

read through many self-help books. Recently finding

may not have the time to have. I am beginning to seek out connections with others who have grieved this loss of a seemingly promised dream. I also adventure and explore the sensual pleasures this world has to offer.”

Mary, Canada “A few years ago, I read this line in an article and it has always stuck with me. Something I try and remind

Hazel, New Zealand

myself, especially on those low days... “Your life will be

“Sometimes I just take some time out and curl up with

that I try and live by now. It’s going to be different; I

movies and block the world out or I busy myself with

won’t be having my own children BUT and yes I said

distractions. A whole lot of the things I do in my life are

but my life can and will still be amazing.”

different...but it will be amazing.” Those are the words

around children and sometimes it gets too much. I do sometimes scroll social media platforms and post on some support groups as well or look for quotes that

Jillian, Maine

just make me feel less alone. At the moment there’s

“I think the only real answer I have to how do I cope,

a picture that says, “Mickey and Minnie never had

is to say that I’m very forgiving of myself and the time

children.” To me that just makes me realise fun can still

it will take to heal from this. It has changed me as a

be had and Mickey and Minnie are all around children

person, and I stopped trying to be who I was. I’m the

too. That may seem silly but it’s something that helps

new me after this life-altering experience, and that’s

in a weird way.”

ok!”

www.tutumjournal.com

19

5 Navigating

Aging

Ways To Manage

Non-Grandparent Grief

BY JOBI TYSON

hose who strongly desire to become mothers, but

don’t reach this milestone in life, will often carry a sorrow that they seldom share with others. Many women who are involuntarily childless will experience a new wave of sorrow later in life. This potentially occurs when our peers become grandparents; the same feelings we faced when they started having children may resurface.

When the possibility of becoming a parent is lost, it also serves as a reminder that you will also never become a grandparent. It almost seems to parallel the pain and envy you initially felt when you heard about other women becoming pregnant.

Think about it: If having a child is society’s ‘traditional’ marker of adulthood, then becoming a grandparent is a rite of passage that most hope – and even expect – will herald a fulfilling mid-life and contented old age.

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Here you will find five tips to manage non-grandparent grief:

1. Acknowledge your emotions Do not push your pain aside. Avoiding your emotions doesn’t make them go away. By releasing and allowing your emotions to flow, you get access to new parts of yourself. Write about your experiences.

Writing down how you feel, whether in a journal or a blog, can help you process your pain.

2. Stay connected with your spouse – and find content together

One thing that is crucial to every intimate relationship is maintaining a strong sense of connection. When you are truly connected with your partner, you feel secure, understood, and your sorrows are shared. You can also find activities you both enjoy, to focus on the lighter, happier things in life.

3. Take a break from social media When or if your social media timelines begin to flood, as your peers become grandparents, you may experience an enormous wave of sadness. In the virtual reality of social media, it is common to compare your life with the lives of your peers. The truth is, regularly stepping away from social media is a healthy ritual, which also helps set boundaries.

4. Try mindfulness and meditation If you’ve never meditated, there are plenty of online guided meditations that can help you get started. The quieting of the mind is helpful to reducing stress and extending feelings of calm, even after the meditation is done.

5. Seek support and consolation It’s easy to get lost in darkness when you feel like you’re walking alone. However, when you know you are not by yourself, it becomes easier to find the light because your strength comes from those beside you. Talk to a loved one or a therapist, or get to know other childless women for support.

www.tutumjournal.com

21

Finding Your Place In A Mother-Centric World

BY JOBI TYSON

I

nvoluntarily childless

women are not monolithic. In place of grief, there is now happiness. It feels radical, this declaration of happiness. So lives are only talked about in terms of pain.

We interviewed four women who have a different story of discovering fulfilling lives without children. A story of grief. A story of joy. A story of self-discovery.

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SHANNON WUCHERER PHOTOGRAPHY

often, women’s bodies and emotional

Kristin, 33, Wisconsin “I have endometriosis and adenomyosis. I tried for 2+ years to get pregnant, trying [everything from] fertility drugs to surgery, and nothing worked. I never got pregnant.”

On coping...

“I surround myself with supportive and like-minded women, including good friends I’ve had through the years, or newfound friends who share the same journey. I talk openly about the journey I have been through and it helps to receive encouragement and support from others. I also allowed myself the time and space to grieve my initial dreams of motherhood.”

On the grief process…

“Each month I didn’t get pregnant, I lost a little bit of faith that it would ever happen, and eventually I came to the realization that it probably wasn’t meant to be, and that’s okay. My body has physical limitations, and it is not my fault or anyone’s fault.

I recovered once I realized I did everything I was capable of and tried every medical intervention that I felt comfortable with, and when I still didn’t get pregnant, I just “knew” that I was okay moving forward with my life without children, knowing I tried everything within my physical limitations.”

On still experiencing low days…

“It’s important to know that grief is not linear, and the stages can be experienced on and off and in different orders at all different times/rates. Holidays are the toughest time to be childless and that is when I have the most difficult time or have my low days, but I recover by allowing myself to feel my feelings and realize that my feelings are valid, and I “let it out” and move forward. I do not try to hide my feelings. I talk openly about it with my husband, my family, and my closest female friends.”

On coming to terms…

“I realized that becoming pregnant and becoming a mother wasn’t meant to be, and life is so much more than becoming a parent. I have so many other dreams, goals, and aspirations. I’ve always known that I love to travel, but since I’ve embraced my childless life, it is clear that traveling is my true passion. My husband and I hope to visit several more countries in the future, in a “backpacking” style. I am also a very hands-on dog mom to my two precious pups, Milo and Dexter. So, I may not have human children, but I love my fur babies with my whole heart, so I am a mom in a different way.”

On finding purpose through and beyond childlessness…

“I feel like life’s purpose is complex. People are constantly changing and evolving, and goals change. Life is fluid. My current purpose and meaning of life are to do what makes me happy, live each day in the best way I can, continue to thrive in my career, maintain a fun and loving marriage with my husband, be the best fur-mama to my two precious dogs, find hobbies that excite me, invest in friendships that fulfill me, and in my free time do things that make me fulfilled such as traveling the world. So, the meaning of my life currently is just to fill my days with things that make me feel happy. With that being said, I discovered that I don’t need children to have a fulfilling and joyful life.”

On turning point…

“Realizing that I am happy and fulfilled, despite of.”

On bringing awareness that motherhood does not equate womanhood…

“A family can be defined in so many ways. I view my husband and I as a family; we share the same last name and share the same household and we love each other. Families can be and are more than just a “mom, dad, and kids.” A family can be a same-sex partnership or marriage. A family can be a single parent with a child. A family can be a grandparent and a grandchild, or a person with their cat. A family can be so many different things, and they are all beautiful ways to define “family.” www.tutumjournal.com

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Sabrina, 31, Singapore “I knew I had PCOS long before meeting my husband. I had never seen it as an issue because I knew multiple women who had fibroid cysts and yet were able to conceive and give birth.”

On coping...

“I fill my time with meaningful activities and try to surround myself with supporting women who are in a similar situation.”

On the grief process…

“The first two years of marriage was really hard. It took me about another two years, searching and reaching out for support to get out of that spot I was in.”

On still experiencing low days…

“Low days occur here and there. Unfortunately, it usually stems from my immediate community. The taboo around the topic and closed mindedness has made a lot of people ignorant and insensitive. I allow myself a day or two of doing something I enjoy that makes me fully attend to myself, usually including painting, drawing, or exercising.”

On coming to terms…

“It happened over time and quite gradual. I did not notice it at first. It started when I was looking for support groups online, joining and following groups and pages with women in the same or similar boats. As I scrolled social media daily, these groups were what, unconsciously, included a lot of positivity about my situation. Knowing that I am not alone and there are others out there talking about it, allowed me to be more open to talking about it too. I’m now happy and fulfilled, and on a fitness journey. I have a supportive partner who was constantly reassuring me that I am enough, which helped me put the self-loathing and blame further away each time.”

On finding purpose through and beyond childlessness…

“Through accepting myself as being enough, I also realised that I am responsible for me. Every day is an opportunity. Whether I wait or get up and achieve what I want, time is still passing by. So far, I have lost 15kg, and my husband has lost 18kg. We started weight training with the main goal of strength and heavy lifting. We revamped our bedrooms reserved for nurseries into a gym/yoga studio and a home office. I shall not be apologetic for seizing opportunities that keep me happy. I am able to be fully present and indulge in anything that I choose to do.”

On turning point…

“I had a simple conversation which threw me into where I am today. The conversation ended with this person saying something along the lines of, ‘Well, at least you have energy and the time.’ Where I would normally get offended for comments like this, something clicked differently that day. I realised that yes, I do have the energy and the time. I don’t have to wait 18-20 years. I can do what I want to do right now. Also, I am interacting and listening to women who were childless by circumstances and are accepting of it positively.

I noticed their achievements despite emotional struggles. At the same time, I also realised that there are mothers who are not happy and/or fulfilled for a variety of reasons. Putting these together got me to see that motherhood isn’t a solution and does not guarantee a positive life.”

On bringing awareness that motherhood does not equate womanhood…

“We should start young. We can stop pushing the typical silhouette of a man, woman, and children as a family unit. Redefine what family means. We need to be aware that a family is simply any group of more than one who loves and cares for each other.

Motherhood may be a part of womanhood but definitely not the other way around. Too often, the high point of a successful woman is the fact that she is a mother and yet able to succeed. At the same time, a childless woman is expected to achieve more before she’s [considered] successful. We can create awareness by celebrating childless women alongside supportive mothers to highlight the support within womanhood for all instead.”

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Sherri, 43, Florida “My endometriosis pain is a monthly reminder of my infertility.”

On coping...

“I cope by focusing on nurturing my marriage of almost 20 years to my best friend, Nic. And, focusing on what we enjoy, such as running, hiking, hunting, scuba diving, traveling together, and relishing our golden retriever, Teak, who lights our world. He’s our second golden. We had another golden child, Cooper, for about 12 years, who was by my side in the dark years of infertility.

Unconditional love was much needed in those very lonely years. We got Teak on the other side of our journey, toward peace. I cope through cooking, biking, swimming, yoga, reading, knitting, and watching movies. In the last couple of years, after moving back to Florida, through running, I formed relationships with three other women who don’t have children for various reasons. These friendships have been tremendously pivotal for me as I move into my 40s and beyond.”

On the grief process…

“I had some very dark years initially when we first started trying to get pregnant a little after a year of being married. One year into it, after my first infertility procedure (hysterosalpingogram), I got pregnant but I miscarried very early; to my knowledge, I’ve never been pregnant again. That was about 18-19 years ago. The grief of infertility is ongoing. It comes in waves. I grieved heavily again about nine years ago when I received another devastating diagnosis (low ovarian reserve) on top of my endometriosis diagnosis. The world around us is hyper-focused on families having kids, mothers, and fathers. The culture begins early, ‘when are you getting married’... ‘when are you having kids’... ‘when are you having another’...’no grandkids yet?’ It’s been a long process trying to find the peace that I’ve now found with being childfree.”

On still experiencing low days…

“I don’t really experience low days due to not being a mom. My lowest days are because of endometriosis pain and the frustration of it and how many weeks in the month are affected by it.”

On coming to terms…

“I started to shift my focus to my marriage, my life, found things I love, and people to love.”

On finding purpose through and beyond childlessness…

“I find it my responsibility to be kind to everyone around me, no matter the circumstance.”

On turning point…

“My world came crashing down on me in March 2011 when my father died suddenly of a heart attack. That and then the diagnosis of low ovarian reserve caused me to stop and make the decision to take my life and marriage back, to start focusing on what I had. It certainly didn’t happen overnight but here I am and I’m so thankful to be on the other side.”

On bringing awareness that motherhood does not equate womanhood…

“From our example, by my husband and me living a fulfilled life, our loved ones and those around us see our family of two and our golden and know it is possible to be a family without kids. I also try to use my social media platform to create awareness around infertility. I think more media and marketing to singles and couples without kids is needed.” www.tutumjournal.com

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Lilly, 49, Canada “After being diagnosed with endometriosis, I had to learn to feel less guilty for things (such as not having kids) that were beyond my control.”

On coping...

“I have done a lot of soul searching and I know, not just believe, that not everyone needs to have kids to have a fulfilled life. I always confront the challenges as best and as boldly as I could and can.”

On the grief process…

“In my late 30’s when my uterus was removed after two previous surgeries for endometriosis, I felt as if I failed life. I was in a church at the time that was very family oriented, and I eventually distanced myself to maintain my sanity. But I still have the same value and a personal relationship with God, and now fast forward 10 years, I feel confident in who I am, what I contribute to the world, my past, my present, my future.

Now, I define myself by who I am, not by who I am not, unapologetically and with thankfulness for life each day.”

On still experiencing low days…

“If I catch myself thinking in a “glass half empty way,” I catch myself and do something for someone such as calling my friend who has multiple sclerosis to cheer her up or talking to my 98-year-old childless cousin in the States who has never been married. But, sitting still is important and I realize that more and more each day.”

On coming to terms…

“I come to terms with being childless by changing my mindset on how I see the world, its meaning, how I address those around me, and by practicing gratitude each day.”

On finding purpose through and beyond childlessness…

“To live fully, build a legacy, create a successful business, and not waste any minute.”

On turning point…

“After feeling so down about not being a wife and a mother [in my church], a friend of mine suggested that I join a travel group on social media. That simple action opened the door for me to realize many women had different life stories – some were married, some divorced, some singles, some widows, some had kids, some didn’t. It was like going from seeing the world in one colour to a multiple colour scheme. I maintained my value and who I was but also realized that the women in my church were too worried and saw life in “one colour only.”

On bringing awareness that motherhood does not equate womanhood…

“Motherhood is only one way of womanhood. There are many other ways we can express ourselves in society and at home as women.”

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www.tutumjournal.com

29

Game Changer A Q&A with Jennifer Osborn

J

ennifer Osborn’s average day involves feeding sheep, watering crops, delivering logistics, pricing products, and performing feed orders. On a mission to interconnect

her creative talents, Osborn is the cofounder of All Sorts Acres Farm in Ontario, Canada. It may surprise you to learn that she never planned to be a sheep farmer in the first place.

As an unfulfilled web and graphic designer shattered by involuntary childlessness, Osborn, 47, started asking herself the question ‘What fulfills me?’ The thought dawned on her after she was in art school training in scientific illustration, which piqued her interest to take an animal husbandry course – the branch of science that deals with the practice of farming, breeding, and

BY JOBI TYSON

care of farm animals. Despite always, “wanting to become a veterinarian with an obsession with animals since childhood,” however, Osborn never considered farming until she became interested in learning to grow her own food. “At the end of the course, students had to do a work placement. I chose to go to both a vet and a mixed organic farm.” Once she worked on the farm and read books about planting urban food gardens and permaculture, Osborn says she was hooked. She describes herself as someone who has never been particularly confident.

Her journey began in farming after she and her husband left suburban life to live a simpler life on a homestead of just over an acre. At the time, it seemed like such a large piece of land, but it wasn’t long before they outgrew the acre. “We had sheep, chickens, a pig, gardens, a pond, pasture, over 150 trees on the property of different sizes and uses, and probably another 60 edible plants. It was a lot on such a small space but we learned what we did and didn’t like.”

Osborn really liked the sheep.

A year and a half later, Osborn and her husband sold the property and briefly rented a large farm to try farming sheep on a larger scale. “Now owning a 50acre sheep farm, we do all things sheep. We only ever have between 30 and 50 adult sheep at any time. The hayfield is what feeds our sheep in the winter, while the pastures feed them in the summer. Protecting the flock and barnyard are our two amazing livestock guardian dogs, Bob and Pinky, both Maremma dogs that are bred to protect livestock, and live with the sheep,” she says.

“Each day is a little different on our farm.”

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www.tutumjournal.com

31

I

nitially, they found it difficult to get into farming, and

processing by making sheep milk yogurt, cream cheese, kefir,

doubly so if you are a woman or not born into the farming

gelato, and of course, bottled drinking milk,” says Osborn. “But

community. “I quickly learned that in this industry, talk just

at other times of the year, when milking has stopped, I will

doesn’t cut it. Doing what you say and having your farm work

begin wool processing, which involves skirting or removing

well goes a long way to gaining respect,” Osborn says.

unusable big bits of raw fleece, washing, picking, and carding

Many things on the farm are on a seasonal cycle. “From March to October is milking season. After milking, I’ll often come up to the house into the commercial kitchen with the fresh milk.

Depending on the time of year and the weekly orders, I begin

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our sheep’s wool—separating and straightening sheep’s wool with two brushes to make yarn or fiber art. After the carding stage, I will spin, felt, weave, or dye the wool. I make something out of it. Our wool is an important part of our farm, and I enjoy it.”

A combination of circumstances and health

Sometimes I’m okay with it, but other times it hits me like a ton

reasons led to her childless state. “Over the years, I’d chosen

of bricks that I’ll never have the experience that mothers do.

names I liked, and considered how natural childbirth would

But I also had this vision of an art farm where art, agriculture,

be—many things that I imagine most women consider before

and ecology were integrated so well, it was a challenge to see

having children. I didn’t have a plan, but I did have a desire,” she

where one ended and the other began. It has taken a long time,

adds.

but one desire is happening. Life is a long game, not a sprint.”

Now, driven by her desire to find purpose beyond childlessness, Osborn says, “Childlessness isn’t a simple path, but a winding

Visit All Sorts Acres Farm at www.allsortsacres.ca

switchback road that I’m still learning how to navigate.

www.tutumjournal.com

33 33

MEDICAL AWAKENING MRKH: Born Without A Womb

BY JOBI TYSON

E

ver heard of a ‘MRKH?’ Me neither, until 36-year-old Charlie Bishop, the executive director of MRKH Connect from Norway sat down on my weekly talk show, As Told By Childless Women. She revealed that she was born without a womb, cervix, or upper vagina, thus struggled to have sex and was unable to carry a child, due to a congenital condition called MRKH. Charlie, and 28-year-old Kenyan chef Susan – both born with this rare condition – explain the challenges of MRKH syndrome that affects around one in 5,000 female births.

Charlie

A

s puberty

therapy where you insert a penis-shaped tube into your vagina

hit, Charlie

and gradually use it in different sizes to stretch out the canal.

began to question

For me, it was a process that is done 2-3 times a day for about

her identity. With

15 minutes each time for about eight months. Once I was at a

MRKH Type 1, she

certain comfort point, and that was nearly 20 years ago, I had

explains, “I was born

reached the length I wanted and could have sex comfortably.

without a womb.

But I’ve always wondered like, does my vagina feel any

I have ovaries,

different? However, I’ve been told that it doesn’t. Sex feels

which means my

perfectly comfortable and pleasurable and seemingly normal.

puberty was normal,

Well, normal for me.”

but although my body changed, and breast development was normal, but I never started my period. So, having MRKH made me question, was I

Susan

really a woman?

And although everyone born with MRKH is genetically female (with XX chromosomes), it is a condition that naturally does challenge your identity. I asked myself: Is this right? Why am I not experiencing the same things that my friends are going through? And even though the thought of having periods just

diagnosis than Charlie, having a scan performed only eight years ago that uncovered she had an absent uterus and a blind vagina — which means there’s no clear canal connecting the upper and lower vagina. Further examined as MRKH Type 2, the diagnosis also explained her mild hearing loss, which she’d been struggling with since childhood.

For most, the diagnosis can have a significant mental health impact as those with MRKH try to come to terms with the diagnosis. Susan explains her path to acceptance, “In this healing process, I’ve learned not to rush it, take one step at a time and don’t blame myself whenever I get emotional, especially whenever I thought I’d gotten over it. But, although I

kind of terrifies me, because I’ve never had one, it feels very

must live with MRKH, I don’t give MRKH space to defeat me.”

strange not to have had those experiences and be able to be

Though she hopes someday that she will find a partner and

part of those conversations in the same way.”

be able to undergo vaginoplasty — a surgery done to create

When asked how this condition affected her dating and sex

or repair a vagina — to make sex possible; she shares that

life, she said, “I had to explain to my boyfriend at the time that despite wanting to I couldn’t have penetrative sex at that point.

I had already told him about MRKH and what that meant.

A few months later I went through this treatment called dilator 34

Susan, who lives in Nairobi, Kenya, is much earlier in her MRKH

TUTUM JOURNAL spring 2021

MRKH has been bearable by focusing on things that bring her happiness, such as cooking for her community and being of service to others.

While this condition is rare and there is little information about it out there, here’s what we do know.

What is MRKH?

What are the signs?

Mayer Rokitansky Küster Hauser syndrome (MRKH) is a rare

A nonexistent menstrual period by age 16 is often one of the

congenital disorder and abnormality of the female reproductive

first signs of possible MRKH Syndrome, but there may be other

system. Those with MRKH are typically born with ovaries

symptoms related to difficult, painful, or impossible penetrative

and fallopian tubes but have an absent or underdeveloped

sex.

uterus and shortened vagina, and external genitalia develops as normal. Often, the first noticeable sign of MRKH syndrome is that menstruation does not begin by age 16 (primary amenorrhea).

MKRH syndrome cases are generally broken into two types: •

In MRKH Syndrome Type 1, the most common is identified by absent or underdeveloped uterus and shortened vagina.

•

With MRKH Syndrome Type 2, in addition to Type 1,

Diagnosis for Type 1 MRKH Syndrome often happens in later adolescence, when periods have not started. A Type 2 diagnosis can be prompted by an absent period or a wide range of other organ-related symptoms or abnormalities such as renal or skeletal, sometimes at an earlier age. A diagnosis of MRKH is typically confirmed via a pelvic ultrasound or MRI scan following an investigation by a physician.

There is still a lot that is unknown about MRKH and research into it continues across the world to improve knowledge and understanding of the cause.

approximately 40% will have differences in the development of their kidneys (e.g., 15% have one kidney), 10% may have bone changes, and another 10% may experience hearing difficulties.

It is important to note that every case of MRKH can be different.

Is there any treatment?

There is no requirement to have any treatment, however there are options available for those wishing to lengthen their vagina.

There are two main methods of treatment that can be discussed with your physician to find out more information. They may also have advice about your specific case.

•

Dilation is the most common and least invasive route and is successful in at least 95% of cases.

•

Some clinicians offer surgery to create a vaginal passage (there is a range of surgery options available) which can often usually mean there is some form of dilation afterward to keep the vagina open.

Reviewed by MRKH Connect

www.tutumjournal.com

35

Reclaiming

The B-Word

BY KATY LINDEMANN In less than two years, my husband and I went through four IVF cycles, seven cancelled cycles, two pregnancies, and two losses (and approximately £45,000 in the process). With all the twists and turns of what happened along the way, puzzled top fertility specialists ultimately confirmed that my womb could not sustain a pregnancy, since it was impossible for me to carry a child.

I’m not just infertile. I’m really, really infertile. I’m barren.

Deriving from the Old French word ‘barain’, meaning ‘sterile’, the word ‘barren’ has been used for centuries to refer to anything unfruitful: animals, plants, landscapes, even thoughts—but most notably (and most perniciously) to describe infertile women.

It’s an incredibly visceral word that strikes at the heart of our relationships with our bodies, suggesting that we’re defective and incomplete. It has become a gendered term loaded with judgment and disapproval for women; infertile men are rarely described as barren. Every definition of ‘barren’ is a marker of abnormality: devoid, lacking, and inferior.

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‘Barren’ is a word that immediately makes people feel uncomfortable because they just don’t know how to react.

But ‘barren’ has an extra sting because it’s not just that the word itself is derogatory, but that it signifies something society doesn’t want to acknowledge and doesn’t know how to talk about. Whether childless or childfree, our status is described by our relationship to motherhood, not as individuals in our own right.

“I hate the word barren and love it. I hate the word because to most people it’s negative and ugly. It makes me feel like, in their eyes, I’m a pointless person. I love it because if you look closely at barren land you’ll see that often it’s actually beautiful and fruitful with lots of different lichens, mosses, and tiny flowers that support a multitude of animals and insects, and I like that image. Maybe there are no obvious signs of a fertile life in me, but if you look closely, you’ll see that I’m a dutiful volunteer, an incredible aunt, sister, and daughter, and an amazing friend. I’m making my mark on the world as surely as someone who raises a child.” ~Anonymous

We have many words that describe people in very specific

passionate about because it’s a way of taking ownership

ways; language is constantly evolving to reflect society

of our own stories - taking an archaic word that’s been

and culture. In 2016, the term ‘sharenting’, meaning ‘the

used to punch down at us and reappropriating it from a

habitual use of social media to share news or images of

slur to an empowering identity label. The barren women

one’s child’, was added to the Collins English Dictionary;

I know are courageous, determined, and tenacious, not

yet we still don’t have a single word for a non-parent that

second-rate, inadequate, or inferior – and the more we

isn’t defined by what we lack.

can own it, the less it can be used against us. To be

There is no public language for childlessness or readymade discourse into which our experiences can slot—I think it’s about time to reclaim the word ‘barren’. Instead

barren does not define us; it’s just part of the nexus of life experiences that that shapes us and makes us who we are.

of leaving it as a label that can wound us, let’s pick it

Barren is not a mark of shame or failure, but rather of

up, dust it off, and own it so that it’s no longer used as a

strength and wisdom—virtues that we share with those

weapon against us, but instead as a freeing, rallying cry.

around us, in a life that can be both barren and beautiful.

Reclaiming the word ‘barren’ is something I’m so Katy Lindemann (@uberbarrensclub) is the founder of Uber Barrens Club.

www.tutumjournal.com

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Bridging The Gap with Barbara Collura

Barbara Collura could not have imagined the journey ahead

Coming together with us to show strength in numbers 38

TUTUM JOURNAL spring 2021

when she began trying to conceive.

Faced with fertility obstacles, she inadvertently became an expert and advocate. After years of failed medical treatments, she sought comfort and information from RESOLVE. Thus, twenty years ago, she and her husband successfully pursued an international adoption.

Now, as the President and CEO of RESOLVE, The National Infertility Association, she brings together millions of women and men living with infertility, along with healthcare, mental health, and adoption professionals, and lawmakers to raise awareness about the disease.

In preparation for National Infertility Awareness Week®—which will be observed on April 18-24, 2021, Editor-In-Chief Jobi Tyson sat down with Barbara Collura to discuss her experiences, inspiration, how she aspires to help others, and her words of hope to women who have experienced infertility resulting in involuntary childlessness.

Q: Why is it important for Q: What advice would you give to women/ you to help families struggling with infertility?

A: RESOLVE’s mission is to help those

couples once their family building journey has ended by infertility, resulting in permanent childlessness?

A: They need to ensure they are getting the emotional support they

struggling to build their family. As the CEO, it

need, whether that is professional counseling, connecting with others, or a

is my job to manage the day-to-day operations

support group. I firmly believe that people need to get to the next phase of

so that we are fulfilling our mission every day.

their life and be able to truly embrace the life they have. That’s not easy by

I have always believed that if someone found

any stretch of the imagination, so tapping into support and taking care of

RESOLVE early in their journey, they could

yourself is key.

reach their resolution quicker, with less money, and in a better state for their mental health.

This journey can really tear you apart. It affects your health, your faith, your relationships, your finances—there is just no way that going it alone is the right approach. I also firmly believe that if people are supported and have the right information, they will make the best decisions

Q: With all that you’ve accomplished in

your career, do you feel like you have to do more? If so, explain.

A: Oh my goodness, YES! We have so far to go. Access is still terrible,

for themselves. That’s the key—making a

people can’t find the resources and support they need, and the journey is

decision and embracing it with confidence.

too complex. We have too many people ending up in a place in their life that is not their choice. Also, research is lagging, and public awareness is

Q: What resources do

you provide for those at the end of their infertility journey?

A: For those who go through this experience and consider themselves involuntarily childless, that is not a choice; no one made a conscious decision to be in that place. So, the question I

poor—there are still so many challenges. While we can see real progress, it’s definitely not enough.

Q: What else is coming up for RESOLVE

in the coming years? Is there anything that can benefit the involuntarily childless/child-free community?

A: If you are at this place in life because you couldn’t pursue your family

ask is, how do we transform the family building

building option due to cost, joining our network of advocates who push for

journey such that no one ends up in a place

access to all family building options might give you some control and help

that is not their choice? We have not yet found

for the next generation. Advocating at the state or federal level, or with your

the answer, but it’s something we keep striving

employer, are ways to get involved and remove the financial barriers. I love

to solve.

RESOLVE because of the impact we make in people’s lives every day. www.tutumjournal.com

39

TUTUM FAVORITES

1. Barren Not Broken Podcast www.barrennotbroken.com

2. Write Your Life Book www.writeyourlife.net

3. Positive Affirmations Store www.tutumstore.com

4. A Year Of Medical Thinking www.skreid.com.au

5. Handspun Yarn www.allsortsacres.ca

6. I’m Awesome. Here’s Why… Book www.sara-katherine.com/book

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TUTUM JOURNAL spring 2021

1

2

5 3

4

6

www.tutumjournal.com

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W

rite Your Life: Start With

Journaling

BY ANITA HENDERSON

J

ournaling is a journey. You might think that journals hold only the ramblings of a budding teenage girl or the

faded memories of a senior citizen. Yet, journaling is much more than simply intermittently jotting down your thoughts and feelings.

Journaling, when done with a purpose, is the journey of self-discovery.

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TUTUM JOURNAL spring 2021

W

hat do you know? What have you experienced?

How are you affected by the people, events, and experiences of your life? What do you want to

change about yourself? What do you love about yourself that you would never change? What have you, or can you, learn from your unique journey? These are some of the questions journaling brings to mind. Journaling leads you to explore the depths of who you are and to (hopefully) learn from what you discover.

As a youngster, I was very shy. If you looked at me the wrong way, I would cry. I wanted everyone to like me, and when it seemed they didn’t, the first thing I did was look at myself. I assumed there must have been something wrong with me. It took years of having my feelings hurt and journaling about it before I realized that no matter how nice I was, how smart I was, how involved I was, how many hours I worked, how good a friend I was, how important I thought I was, how helpful I was, or how supportive I was of others, there would always be someone who did not like me. Consequently, I thought that by playing small, staying in the background, and supporting other people—mostly at the expense of accomplishing my own dreams, I would be seen as an advocate, and then they would like me. You can imagine how far that got me.

Over the years, through journaling, I have come to acknowledge and accept so much about myself and my own life journey. I have examined my past, high-fived my bad self for creating my incredible present and envisioned an amazing future. When you begin the journey of journaling, you will uncover a simple and very personal outlet to heal from your past hurts, to discover the authentic you, to see into the future, and to dream freely for what you truly want.

Beyond the personal, psychological, and emotional benefits of journaling, you can learn valuable techniques to help you share your unique story.

We each have a story inside of us that is meant to be shared, a story that is destined to be told.

Telling that story is a process. Through journaling, you can experience your journey unfolding. As you write your life, your journal can even become the framework for writing your book. But, even if adding “author of” to your bio isn’t your goal, journaling is an outlet that can bring you pleasure, release, and insight. Try it and begin the journey to write your life.

Anita Henderson (@anitatheauthorsmidwife) known as The Author’s Midwife, is an author coach, book publishing strategist, and the founder of Write Your Life. www.tutumjournal.com

43

Have you’ve reached a point in life where you find yourself asking, “Who am I?” How well do you really know yourself? Have you ever taken the time to dig deep into your mind about your true self?

Journaling helps you figure out who you are, what you need, and what you want. In your road to self-discovery, complete 90 days of self-discovery journal prompts based on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) developed

DAYS TO BEGIN

Journey YOUR SELF-DISCOVERY

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TUTUM JOURNAL spring 2021

by Jobi Tyson.

All you need: • • • •

Notebook or journal Pen or pencil Start with a fresh page each day Pick 1 prompt each day

MONTH 1 Mon

Tue

Wed

Thu

Fri

Write down a definition of who you are—the good and the bad.

What are your values? (What do you stand for?)

What drives you?

What brings you joy?

After spending time with someone, do you typically walk away feeling loved or judged?

List all the things that make you happy today, big or small.

What is going If you can only keep 3 things you well in your life right now? have, what will they be and why?

What negative or traumatic experiences have you let define you, and how can you walk away from them?

If you meet a friend that you haven’t seen in 10 years, how will you tell him/her about your life right now?

If you could time travel, what advice would you give to your 20-year-old self?

What makes you unique?

How do you want to be remembered?

How do you perceive yourself after spending time with people in your life? How will that affect how you spend time with them in the future?

What things have you loved doing all of your life?

Write a list of questions to which you urgently need answers. (Then seek answers)

Sat

Sun

What gives you purpose in your life?

What kind of impact do your choices have on the life you want?

What are your strengths? Are you utilizing them regularly?

What are you most grateful for at the moment?

What will you do today to take care of yourself?

Describe your perfect day. If your perfect day is wildly different from where you are now, what steps could you take now to close the gap?

What is the greatest life lesson you’ve learned?

What cheers you up on a bad day?

What makes you proud of yourself?

Write down one positive thing about your day.

You just spent all day by yourself.

Are you bored?

To show someone you love them, are you likely to use words, actions, or another method?

You are feeling down. What do you do to cheer yourself up?

Describe a time you were intensely happy.

What do you value most in that memory?

MONTH 1: CHECK-IN Select What Resonates the Most with You Right Now Ǔ

I’m so happy in the skin I’m in

Ǔ

People can change (including me)

Ǔ

Social media is an overwhelming space, but I can’t stop

Ǔ

I care about others more than myself

myself

Ǔ

I can choose joy

Ǔ

I just need to continue this self-discovery journey

Ǔ

I like the person I am becoming in my self-discovery journey

Ǔ

Anything is possible if you keep moving forward

Ǔ

Self-discovery is daunting, but I’m willing to keep shifting www.tutumjournal.com

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MONTH 2 Mon

Tue

Wed

Thu

Fri

Sat

Sun

Make a list of everything that inspires you.

What is one topic you need to learn more about to help you live a more fulfilling life? (Then learn about it)

What thought patterns have you noticed lately, and are they healthy or toxic?

Make a bucket list.

What memory do you cherish the most? Why?

When you are feeling down, what picks you up?

What is the best compliment you have ever received?

When do you feel happiest?

Write the words you need to hear right now.

Take a selfie.

Describe it using only loving, kind words.

How will you celebrate your individuality today?

What are you feeling emotionally, physically, and mentally at this moment?

When you are overwhelmed, how do you reconnect with the present moment?

Write in detail about one good thing that happened today.

How can you add more happiness to your life?

What is one bad habit you would like to remove from your life?

What are your three emotional triggers and how can you overcome them?

What are three long-term goals you want to work toward?

Write a poem or short story.

What is something you can do to be mentally healthier?

Name ways that you can schedule more time for your mental wellness.

Make a list of the two best moments of your life. How can you have more moments and memories like those?

What is one song that makes you feel confident?

Turn it on now and put it on repeat.

What is one thing that brings you a sense of peace?

How can you incorporate them into your daily life?

Write a positive affirmation you can give yourself the next time you are having a bad day.

Ponder over the things not serving a meaningful purpose and the things you can and cannot control.

Write down things you want to change about yourself.

If you could only achieve one more goal for the rest of your life, what would you choose and why?

What is one issue What does you keep thinking happiness mean to you? about? How can you resolve it?

MONTH 2: CHECK-IN How are you doing?

Highlight what you need help with and identify if you should seek advice or if you can find what’s hindering you from improving in this area.

Personal Growth:

Being Happy:

Showing Self-Kindness:

Feeling Content:

Ǔ

Improved

Ǔ

Improved

Ǔ

Improved

Ǔ

Improved

Ǔ

Good

Ǔ

Good

Ǔ

Good

Ǔ

Good

Ǔ

Need Help

Ǔ

Need Help

Ǔ

Need Help

Ǔ

Need Help

Self-Love:

Mental Health:

Managing Emotional Triggers:

Practicing Self-Care:

Ǔ

Improved

Ǔ

Improved

Ǔ

Improved

Ǔ

Improved

Ǔ

Good

Ǔ

Good

Ǔ

Good

Ǔ

Good

Ǔ

Need Help

Ǔ

Need Help

Ǔ

Need Help

Ǔ

Need Help

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TUTUM JOURNAL spring 2021

MONTH 3 Mon

Tue

If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be and why?

Are you feeling stuck? If so, what’s in your way causing you to feel this way?

What is one thing Describe about you that no a relieving one knows? moment.

Wed

Thu

Fri

What type of person are you known as?

Write down three things that makes you feel grateful. Why did you choose these things?

If you were to write a book, what would it be about?

Do you believe self-love is important? Why or why not?

What are your main coping mechanisms?

Are they serving you well?

What future plans are you excited about?

Write about a moment you feel worthy.

What do you want to change about yourself?

What support do you need that will suddenly make your life easier?

How are you most often misunderstood by other people?

“Complete this sentence: “I need to accept that ____________.”

Do you consider yourself living a healthy lifestyle? Are there changes you could make to make it healthier?

How can you nourish yourself moving forward?

Make a list of 10 things that make you smile.

Who are the three most important people in your life today?

How do you think the three people closest to you would describe you if asked?

How did your darkest moments shape you into who you are today?

How can you Do you believe take better care you make good of yourself? choices? Do you think you make choices based on emotions, values, or logic?

Is there something you are doing that prevents you from living a fulfilled life? Write down what you could be doing instead to stop you from selfsabotaging.

What limiting beliefs (negative self-talk) do you need to shift?

Do you think you are a positive or negative person?

What changes can you make to your mindset to be more positive?

Do you make time for yourself every single day?

What do you do during that time?

If you could give someone struggling with involuntary childlessness one piece of advice, what would it be?

Sat

Sun

What are 3 habits Reflect on the you want to start last 90 days. next month?

Write down 3 highs and 3 lows.

How far have you come? Can you see how you have grown?

MONTH 3: CHECK-IN How do you feel?

The beginning of the end of your journey with your newfound self. The goal of achieving self-discovery is the power to transform and become that better version of yourself. This new version may not be your final one, but it is the next phase in your journey.

www.tutumjournal.com

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