TUTUM summer 2021 • issue 2 • self-acceptance
Journal
A Dwelling Place for Childless Women For Every Season
MELANIE
NOTKIN On valuing childless aunts Accepting Yourself To Live A Happier Life
Living In The Midst Of Infertility
Who’s Going To Look After Me When I’m Old?
Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness
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The Path to Self-Acceptance
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My Evolution of Turning Pain to Power
Blogger Dayna Mohan discusses devastating losses and finding the strength to turn her wounds into wisdom.
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Living In The Midst of Infertility
Amid a global pandemic, Anne Brock paused to reflect on a life-changing year.
Cover Photo: JESSICA CIRZ PHOTOGRAPHY
CONTENTS
Charlie Bishop explains how to learn self-acceptance through mindfulness.
TUTUM JOURNAL summer 2021
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Moving Through Childlessness
Cover Story
Therapist Lana Walker advises on coming to terms with childlessness.
Game Changer and creator of Auntie’s Day, Melanie Notkin talks building an auntorage for every PANK. By Brandi Lytle.
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My Secret Infertility Struggle 40 Years Ago Novelist Gerri Bauer reflects on her lowest moments to the most enlightening lessons while experiencing infertility and loss 40 years ago.
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Discovering PEACE in Brokenness… Blogger Brandi Lytle shares the steps towards acceptance on the path to finding peace.
in every issue Page 4
CONTRIBUTORS Page 5
EDITOR’S LETTER Page 5
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TUTUM SURVEY
Dear Infertility, I Love You
Readers reveal what they think about key subjects relevant to the childless community.
Blogger Missy Desiree discusses the loss of an assumed future and how she forged her path to acceptance.
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MEDICAL AWAKENING
What It Means to Aunt Honey
Examines medical conditions and relevant information of interest to childless/childfree women.
Actor/filmmaker Tracey B. Wilson reveals her journey from being lost in the darkness of infertility to how a nickname became her saving grace.
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Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness
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NAVIGATING AGING Exploring topics, gaining new perspectives, advice, and relevant information associated with women aging without children.
Author Lesley Pyne shares four ways to find joy beyond childlessness.
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Self-Acceptance Worksheet
BRIDGING THE GAP
A Q&A column to create dialogue between childless/childfree women and industry experts.
A blueprint to learn how to accept yourself to live a happier life. VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2, Tutum Journal™ (ISSN 2766-9580) is published quarterly by Tutum Global. For more information about Tutum Journal, please visit us at www.tutumjournal.com, or email us at info@tutumjournal.com. www.tutumjournal.com
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ACCEPTANCE
THE PATH
TO SELF
BY CHARLIE BISHOP
The past is the past. Nothing we do now can change that. There you go; I said it. It seems blunt and scary, but it is true. Yet before we can move forward, we must acknowledge and accept what has happened, process it, and accept it to allow us to move on. And we can move on. Yes, moving on doesn’t mean forgetting our experiences or brushing them under the carpet, it’s about finding a way to live with those feelings, to allow us to lead happy lives and grow with, not against, our experiences. It can feel like the hardest thing to do and there is no easy answer to that, but there are tools out there that can help. Mindfulness is the practice of being present and aware of our thoughts and feelings as they happen moment to moment. It is used in therapy as a way of focusing on awareness whilst acknowledging and accepting the thoughts, feelings, and body language that comes along with it. With it, also comes the understanding of relaxation and breathing techniques that can help us feel calmer.
A
What did I learn from my past? I learned quickly that I needed to understand myself and my body in a way I never cceptance isn’t something that just happens. It
expected. I learned to be older than my years, to think
is a process. A process that can be easier for some than it
about difficult topics as a teenager, and I learned that there
is for others. That’s okay.
is so much more that can be done for our own happiness
Mindfulness can help us to get more perspective and by
when we are ready to make a change.
being more aware of ourselves and everything around us,
Change is scary. Our experiences in life can sometimes
suddenly it can become a powerful tool to help us take
also be scary, but they can provide opportunities and
our experiences, worries, and stress and convert that
experiences that were also not prepared for, ones we never
into strength and growth, and ultimately happiness. Real
expected could provide so much more than we would have
happiness.
imagined.
Being present is more than just living in the moment,
I know this sounds over the top, perhaps even ludicrous
but also being conscious of what is happening to us and
to understand, but the power of our own awareness and
around us right now. It doesn’t mean we don’t think about
process of our thoughts is quite something and can
the past, that we shouldn’t acknowledge it, or that we
certainly help to unjumble the mind in a way many of us
shouldn’t think about the future. In fact, those things are
perhaps haven’t tried before.
actively encouraged, but it’s about doing that in the present and being aware of how that makes us feel.
Would I have wanted my life to be different and the past that has happened not be the case? Part of me says
Being childless not by choice, whatever the cause, is a
yes, but the other part of me, absolutely no. Without the
pain impossible to describe to others. It is unbelievably
experiences I have had, I don’t believe I would have had the
personal as well. It is so easy to get overwhelmed in
chance to grow and learn and be where I am today.
difficult situations and for our thoughts to take over when all we want is for that pain to stop.
It took many years to feel this way and there have been so many tears along with it. Throughout my journey, I have
There’s a trap I have fallen into so many times—being
learned not only that my experiences don’t define me, but
much too eager for things to change and willing a future to
also they are something that grows with me, and I can
happen without letting myself live in the now.
learn from them despite how painful they can be.
However, that doesn’t mean we can’t learn from the past to
Whatever tools you choose to process your diagnosis,
help us in the present, and be more conscious of our plans
experiences, and grief, be sure to be present. Don’t brush
for the future.
those scary or painful feelings aside, and be sure to live in
We may not realize it at the time, but being able to
every moment.
acknowledge our feelings, not brush them aside as many
Every moment is different; every moment is new. The past
of us are used to, has so much power.
will always be the same and the future is not yet written.
Charlie Bishop (@mrkhconnect) is part of the Tutum Journal editorial team, and the Executive Director of MRKH Connect, based in Norway. www.mrkhconnect.co.uk
www.tutumjournal.com
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