Tutum Journal | Issue 2 | Summer 2021 | For & By Childless Women

TUTUM summer 2021 • issue 2 • self-acceptance

Journal

A Dwelling Place for Childless Women For Every Season

MELANIE

NOTKIN On valuing childless aunts Accepting Yourself To Live A Happier Life

Living In The Midst Of Infertility

Who’s Going To Look After Me When I’m Old?

Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness

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The Path to Self-Acceptance

8

2

My Evolution of Turning Pain to Power

Blogger Dayna Mohan discusses devastating losses and finding the strength to turn her wounds into wisdom.

10

Living In The Midst of Infertility

Amid a global pandemic, Anne Brock paused to reflect on a life-changing year.

Cover Photo: JESSICA CIRZ PHOTOGRAPHY

CONTENTS

Charlie Bishop explains how to learn self-acceptance through mindfulness.

TUTUM JOURNAL summer 2021

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22

Moving Through Childlessness

Cover Story

Therapist Lana Walker advises on coming to terms with childlessness.

Game Changer and creator of Auntie’s Day, Melanie Notkin talks building an auntorage for every PANK.

By Brandi Lytle.

Page 14

My Secret Infertility Struggle 40 Years Ago Novelist Gerri Bauer reflects on her lowest moments to the most enlightening lessons while experiencing infertility and loss 40 years ago.

Page 18

Discovering PEACE in Brokenness…

Blogger Brandi Lytle shares the steps towards acceptance on the path to finding peace.

in every issue Page 4

CONTRIBUTORS Page 5

EDITOR’S LETTER Page 5

Page 20

TUTUM SURVEY

Dear Infertility, I Love You

Readers reveal what they think about key subjects relevant to the childless community.

Blogger Missy Desiree discusses the loss of an assumed future and how she forged her path to acceptance.

Page 29 Page 26

MEDICAL AWAKENING

What It Means to Aunt Honey

Examines medical conditions and relevant information of interest to childless/childfree women.

Actor/filmmaker Tracey B. Wilson reveals her journey from being lost in the darkness of infertility to how a nickname became her saving grace.

Page 34

Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness

Page 30

NAVIGATING AGING Exploring topics, gaining new perspectives, advice, and relevant information associated with women aging without children.

Author Lesley Pyne shares four ways to find joy beyond childlessness.

Page 32 Page 37

Self-Acceptance Worksheet

BRIDGING THE GAP

A Q&A column to create dialogue between childless/childfree women and industry experts.

A blueprint to learn how to accept yourself to live a happier life.

VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2, Tutum Journal™ (ISSN 2766-9580) is published quarterly by Tutum Global. For more information about Tutum Journal, please visit us at www.tutumjournal.com, or email us at info@tutumjournal.com. www.tutumjournal.com

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FOUNDER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Jobi Tyson

EDITORIAL Charlie Bishop Anita Henderson Brandi Lytle

CONTRIBUTORS Gerri Bauer Anne Brock Jody Day Missy Desiree Dayna Mohan Lesley Pyne Lana Walker Tracey B. Wilson

© 2021 Tutum Global. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in part, or in whole, without prior written permission, excepting brief quotations in connection with reviews written specifically for inclusion in magazines, newspapers, blogs, or limited excerpts strictly for personal use. Designed in the U.S.A.

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TUTUM JOURNAL summer 2021

EDITOR'S LETTER + FEEDBACK Unconditional Acceptance of Yourself

Happiness is determined by our level of self-acceptance. That’s something I’ve been learning and believe more and more, and as I’ve learned, it affects everything in our lives.

Many of us are familiar with the societal stigmas, beliefs, and particularly unsolicited advice and questions when asked—confronted, actually—about our maternal status.

The sociocultural implication that womanhood is synonymous with motherhood suggests that a woman with children is more woman, and so, a woman without children, is less than. In that context, a childless or childfree woman’s contribution to society is deduced, and her significance in the world seems to be based on the false perception that motherhood equates womanhood.

Despite the significant gains made by and for women, history’s definition of womanhood continues to be used—collectively and interpersonally—as a subtle weapon of inferiority, of determining a woman’s sole purpose in society. It is yet another indication in which we are reminded that our reproductive biology is the LORIKAY PHOTOGRAPHY

beginning and end of who we are and what we can contribute to the world.

Whether you are childless not by choice, by choice or by circumstance, you must deliberately find the truest parts of yourself in which you can embrace.

It’s time we confront the societal stigmas that women are most, and best, fulfilled by becoming mothers.

Acceptance isn’t stagnation—you will change no matter what. You can’t avoid changing. What questions are you asking yourself to forge the path to unconditional acceptance of yourself, despite societal and inner beliefs? The question is whether that path comes from a place of acceptance and love, or a place of self-dislike and dissatisfaction. I vote for unconditional love.

Instagram: @tutumjournal @childlesswomen Facebook: Facebook.com/childlesswomen YouTube: YouTube.com/childlesswomen

TUTUM SURVEY

WHAT YOU TOLD US To carefully curate this quarter’s issue to strengthen the mental well-being of involuntarily childless women, we took Instagram polls using question-wording: As an involuntarily childless woman, do you have unconditional acceptance of yourself?

24% Yes

76% No

Being childless not by choice makes me feel…

45% Flawed

17% Purposeful

38% Inadequate www.tutumjournal.com

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ACCEPTANCE

THE PATH

TO SELF

BY CHARLIE BISHOP

The past is the past.

Nothing we do now can change that.

There you go; I said it. It seems blunt and scary, but it is true.

Yet before we can move forward, we must acknowledge and accept what has happened, process it, and accept it to allow us to move on.

And we can move on.

Yes, moving on doesn’t mean forgetting our experiences or brushing them under the carpet, it’s about finding a way to live with those feelings, to allow us to lead happy lives and grow with, not against, our experiences.

It can feel like the hardest thing to do and there is no easy answer to that, but there are tools out there that can help.

Mindfulness is the practice of being present and aware of our thoughts and feelings as they happen moment to moment. It is used in therapy as a way of focusing on awareness whilst acknowledging and accepting the thoughts, feelings, and body language that comes along with it.

With it, also comes the understanding of relaxation and breathing techniques that can help us feel calmer.

A

What did I learn from my past? I learned quickly that I needed to understand myself and my body in a way I never cceptance isn’t something that just happens. It

expected. I learned to be older than my years, to think

is a process. A process that can be easier for some than it

about difficult topics as a teenager, and I learned that there

is for others. That’s okay.

is so much more that can be done for our own happiness

Mindfulness can help us to get more perspective and by

when we are ready to make a change.

being more aware of ourselves and everything around us,

Change is scary. Our experiences in life can sometimes

suddenly it can become a powerful tool to help us take

also be scary, but they can provide opportunities and

our experiences, worries, and stress and convert that

experiences that were also not prepared for, ones we never

into strength and growth, and ultimately happiness. Real

expected could provide so much more than we would have

happiness.

imagined.

Being present is more than just living in the moment,

I know this sounds over the top, perhaps even ludicrous

but also being conscious of what is happening to us and

to understand, but the power of our own awareness and

around us right now. It doesn’t mean we don’t think about

process of our thoughts is quite something and can

the past, that we shouldn’t acknowledge it, or that we

certainly help to unjumble the mind in a way many of us

shouldn’t think about the future. In fact, those things are

perhaps haven’t tried before.

actively encouraged, but it’s about doing that in the present and being aware of how that makes us feel.

Would I have wanted my life to be different and the past that has happened not be the case? Part of me says

Being childless not by choice, whatever the cause, is a

yes, but the other part of me, absolutely no. Without the

pain impossible to describe to others. It is unbelievably

experiences I have had, I don’t believe I would have had the

personal as well. It is so easy to get overwhelmed in

chance to grow and learn and be where I am today.

difficult situations and for our thoughts to take over when all we want is for that pain to stop.

It took many years to feel this way and there have been so many tears along with it. Throughout my journey, I have

There’s a trap I have fallen into so many times—being

learned not only that my experiences don’t define me, but

much too eager for things to change and willing a future to

also they are something that grows with me, and I can

happen without letting myself live in the now.

learn from them despite how painful they can be.

However, that doesn’t mean we can’t learn from the past to

Whatever tools you choose to process your diagnosis,

help us in the present, and be more conscious of our plans

experiences, and grief, be sure to be present. Don’t brush

for the future.

those scary or painful feelings aside, and be sure to live in

We may not realize it at the time, but being able to

every moment.

acknowledge our feelings, not brush them aside as many

Every moment is different; every moment is new. The past

of us are used to, has so much power.

will always be the same and the future is not yet written.

Charlie Bishop (@mrkhconnect) is part of the Tutum Journal editorial team, and the Executive Director of MRKH Connect, based in Norway. www.mrkhconnect.co.uk

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MY EVOLUTION OF

TURNING PAIN

TO POWER

BY DAYNA COLLINS MOHAN

I

have always had a way with children. With babies, I could take them from screaming, even take them from hysterically crying, and carry them to a deep sleep in no time by just holding them close. Toddlers were always drawn to me, wanting to sit in my lap, wanting to hold

my hand. It was really amazing, when it would happen in public, strangers would call out my “baby magic.”

Young children are no match for my powers—I can teach them complex ideas and concepts in ways they understand. BUT—with adults, I have zero patience, I am a straight shooter…I just feel like adults should know better—you know?!

Why do I tell you this?

Because it is innate that I would be a mother, right?! Instead, there I was with miscarriage after miscarriage, the woman that would be voted most likely to be a mom based on my “baby magic” and the fact that I was a kindergarten teacher, was most definitely— not a mom.

So many years of trying. Years of going to the top of science to have a baby. Years of repeated loss after loss. I was not a mother and my husband, not a father. I am the reason he is not a father.

The man I married full of playful energy and childlike laughter; the man I knew I loved the first day I met him—I am the reason.

After nearly 10 years of loss, failed attempts, and broken dreams, my relationship was tattered. The resentment was very thick on both sides. I was resentful because of the hurtful things that had been said and done. He was resentful for the years of bills and loss, and failed attempts. I know we both wondered if love would be enough to keep us together. To this day, I believe our marriage would have ended if not for the extreme loyalty my husband has built within him and the deep love we have for one another.

I hit what I thought was rock bottom and then fell even further. I now believe you may hit rock bottom, but you may bounce. During this time, ALL my friends were having babies, and when I held their babies—those babies knew. They could feel that I had cut myself off from the world. They could feel my discontent. I was fearful when I held them because I didn’t want to allow them into my heart—they sensed it immediately. They would scream in my arms; they knew I didn’t want to love them out of the hurt and pain of my losses. They knew I was afraid to be filled with loving baby goo-goo over their chubby little bodies or that baby smell. I couldn’t get close to them. It hurt too much. Although I was happy for my friends, it only reminded me of what I didn’t have—what I couldn’t have.

This went on for years.

What pulled me back up?

Hitting the bottom and bouncing up to hit it again and again is what finally allowed me to stand up. I thought I was strong enough to handle things alone. I was doing it every day. I had gotten so good at smiling when I was supposed to smile, and laughing when I was supposed to laugh, that I even tricked myself into thinking I was doing okay. Sure, there were those days when I’d cry until the tears no longer fell, but that’s normal for the amount of trauma I endured, right?

I started to realize that it hurt when I laughed. When I smiled, it was all I could do to keep a tear from falling from the outer corners of my eyes.

I could see the connections.

So, what does the power of personal growth and self-acceptance look

That’s when I realized I wasn’t doing okay—I was falling apart. I had

like? It looks like conquering your fear of fear. It looks like creating

pretended for so long that the pain on the inside could no longer

the path you want to follow. It turns out, the path less traveled is the

be contained. The pain started to seep out like water from an old

better path. On this path, you can be who you want to be. You can

rusted watering can. I remembered the advice I gave to my sister

say no to societal norms. It seems the world has already written

when she was in high school and hanging around some questionable

me off because I couldn’t have a baby. Why not make the best use

classmates—“You are who you hang around.” As I meant it for her in a

of this space I have been given? I am now not expected to follow

not so good way then, I felt it to be true when I turned it around, too. I

the “normal” path. I can do whatever I want and to me, that means

started to surround myself with strong women. I leaned into the world

freedom!

of strong women around me. I leaned into my “friends” Brene’ Brown, Elizabeth Gilbert, Oprah Winfrey, and Glennon Doyle. They know me, do I know them—no. But they know me! I knew if I was going to be strong then I had to surround myself with those that would remind me of my strength. I listened to uplifting podcasts and read uplifting books of true courage and triumph. I listened to real stories of survival and I found the same want to survive within myself.

How do we learn to befriend life as it is? I believe there is a lesson in everything. Everything that we experience is an opportunity to grow.

It doesn’t always present itself to you in that way. Usually, it breaks you, makes you feel like your world is crumbling but then you learn to overcome it and—you rise. Once you realize that, it is easier to live your life instead of your life taking control. Sometimes sitting back and taking a deep breath in surrender to your source of all things is

I spoke briefly to a family therapist—five visits to be exact. With a

the only way to move forward. Sometimes there is nothing you can

simple change of perspective from an outside source, I was able to

do, so the next thing to do is… nothing.

see that the person I saw as weak and broken was not that at all… she was a survivor. She was/is one that perseveres through life’s inevitable storms. I was able to see that woman inside me that had always been there for me, but I had silenced her. I had to unleash her again. I had to allow her to rise to the surface and with that, I began to set boundaries, find my voice, and take back my power.

Going through infertility—who am I kidding, everything in my life—I try to be smarter, control everything, and handle everything myself because it’s just easier if I do it. But what I found—I was getting nowhere. Like a hamster on a wheel, I was running as fast as I could, but when I stopped, I was standing right where I started. The moment I let go and surrendered to the process, the doors began to open. I began

I am rising up every day. I now face my fears because now I understand

to take big steps and small steps forward. Even small steps are better

fear is only a feeling. I tell my students that I tutor all the time, “Don’t

than no steps. As long as I had forward movement, I felt like I was

be afraid to try, the worse that can happen is that you ask for help, the

getting somewhere. I saw that I was fighting everything—fighting to

ceiling is not going to fall in on you.” So, I took my own advice. I started

control, fighting to understand, fighting to heal. I was exhausted. I came

to do things that scared me, and every time I conquered that fear, I

to the conclusion, not long ago, that I didn’t have the energy to keep

would look for another one to conquer. Every time I rose above the

fighting. I couldn’t continue this battle I had been fighting for so long.

fear, I found more and more of my power. I used to be afraid everyday to meet new people or to face new situations, but now I know that the fear I feel is only my body saying, “Hey, pay attention to me, here I am.”

I ask myself what I need, and I figure it out. I conquer the fear. When I stopped pushing the fear down, I started to rise up.

So, I decided to live my life with EASE. Not easy—that’s a totally different sort of idea. I know life isn’t ever going to be easy all the time, but I can choose to move through it with ease. Ease to me is an instant relaxing of my shoulders; no longer are they held tightly by my ears. It feels like a deep breath in, and an even longer breath out.

I am now not afraid of what I don’t know—not anymore. Am I always

It’s an unclenching of my jaw, a release of the fists, the relaxing of

patient when waiting for the things I want to happen and fear creeps

the brow. It’s feeling like I could fall back and know someone would

in to remind me that I need to pay attention to the bigger picture?

catch me. It’s making decisions based on my intuition. It’s trusting my

Yes. I am more fearful of not trying what my soul knows I need.

choices over anyone else’s advice. It’s loving me for the me that I am,

I just keep pushing forward. Sometimes it may seem like I am pushing

not for what society thinks I should be. Ease is acceptance of others,

forward blindly, but I am being led by the Universe (or whatever you call

not just tolerance. Allowing others to be who they are as they allow

your source of all things). I know it is important to believe in something

you to be who you are.

bigger than me. I know that I am being led by those around me whether they speak directly to me or not. I pay attention to those who have been there before. I take notes, I learn from others, and I learn from other’s mistakes. I remind myself to ask, when I am in the thick of something, what am I supposed to be getting out of this? Now I have a strong

By doing all of these things, I have been able to find self-love, selfworth, and let go of the shame. I am a powerful woman here to do things that are powerful for others—big or small.

I am here creating my own path. I am going to take what I have

belief that everything happens for a reason. I know this to be true in my

learned to help others create their paths, too.

life because when I became more aware of things around me,

I will live a life full of love, peace, and ease. This is my wish for you.

Dayna Collins Mohan, M. Ed (@inconceivable_paintopower) is an author and blogger, based in the U.S. www.inconceivable-paintopower.com www.tutumjournal.com

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Living In The Midst of Infertility

BY ANNE BROCK

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TUTUM JOURNAL summer 2021

Isn’t That Amazing?

I know people say things like, “It’s amazing how much can change in a year” but that’s usually someone who has the perspective of hindsight.

When you have no answers to your pain and no one seems to want to help you find the answers, a

Instead of assuming I did something wrong, I began to look at the facts of my life. I kept notes and would return to them in case I fell back into self-blame.

Through this growth, I was able to determine for myself how the

year can feel like an eternity.

next steps of my life would unfold. My uterus caused me pain for

Just a year ago, I was still disappointed in my

to prepare me for pregnancy and childbearing. After my infertility

doctor’s dismissal of my ongoing period pain. A year ago, I had no diagnosis, other than premature ovarian failure. A year ago, I assumed I’d face the constant monthly reminders that, though my body can’t conceive a child, it can create great

most of my life. As a teen and young adult, I assumed this pain was diagnosis, this pain only caused mental anguish. I took back my power and opted for a hysterectomy.

Before my surgery, I made a list in my journal. It’s entitled “Reasons Why I Had a Hysterectomy (In Case I Forget).” Here I am, a year later,

pain for seemingly no reason.

with two additional diagnoses—endometriosis and adenomyosis. A

When I was first diagnosed with infertility, it was

those conditions and another to remove my uterus, cervix, and

challenging for me to accept my body. Like many in this community can relate to, I felt broken, incapable, and ashamed about what my body couldn’t do. The uncertainty of it all and the lack of concern by medical professionals to get to the heart of the issue left me feeling even more ashamed. It was easy to fall into negative thinking about how I caused my infertility because I was on birth control for so many years.

It took time with a therapist, writing in my journal, and processing with the online infertility community for me to accept that my body is whole just as it is. There may be conditions I have to deal with, but they aren’t anymore my fault than a person with genetic heart disease or juvenile diabetes. Some things just happen to us without

year later, and I’ve been under anesthesia twice—once to discover fallopian tubes. With my perspective of hindsight, I can confidently say, it’s amazing how much can change in a year!

Now, here I am post-surgery and wouldn’t you know—I’ve already had to return to that list in my journal. Even though I know I made the choice after much thought and research, here, post-surgery, I doubt myself. I think infertility does that to us. It makes us forget who we are and why we make the choices we do. Thankfully, Anneof-the-past knew what Anne-of-the-future would need. She stepped up and made provisions for me today—that’s what I call growth!

It’s still too early to tell how this surgery will impact my life; healing takes time. Acceptance takes time too, and so does growth. When I think back to where I was a year ago, I’m amazed at how far I’ve come. I feel proud about the ways I’ve stood up for myself and wouldn’t take no for an answer. It may be another year or so before I feel the full effect of this surgery, though just the lack of period and

our control. That’s part of being human.

menstrual cramps will be noticeable very soon.

This acceptance of my body slowly helped me

Acceptance and growth take time—change doesn’t happen

to regain my power. I no longer let my doctor’s dismissal be the last word. I asked again and again until she passed me along to someone who did listen, who did believe me, and who did want to help me live without pain. As I regained this power, I felt myself growing in new ways.

overnight. During some particularly challenging times in my early 20s, my mom would often tell me to be gentle with myself.

Acceptance and growth require that of us—to be gentle. We can’t force it to happen, but each small step we take does add up. And before you know it, one day you’re looking back over your life thinking, isn’t that amazing?

Anne Brock (@livinginthemidst) is a blogger, amateur quilter, and entrepreneur, based in the U.S. www.annebrock.com

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Moving Through Childlessness

BY LANA WALKER

t

he phrase ‘moving on’ is loaded with negative connotations. The time it takes to ‘come to terms’ with the reality that we aren’t going to have children can be full of utter loneliness, longing, envy, despair, regret, total disillusionment, isolation, and a heavy heart for the future, with no possible means of joy or fulfillment in our lives.

To enable this desolate outlook to elevate from our hearts, bodies, and minds, first we need to grieve—properly and thoroughly. I don’t mean that there’s a checklist of grief to tick off, or even a right way or a wrong way. To heal, we need to grieve fully, whatever and however that feels like for us as individuals, in order to move through our childlessness to find our self-worth.

The amazing thing about allowing grief to be a part of your healing process is that, after time, we are allowed to feel less sad as life continues. We are allowed to not feel guilty for not feeling devastated every day. Finding something to smile about doesn’t mean that you were any less committed to becoming a mother. It means that you’re healing. So, feel empowered to embrace those moments as part of the “moving through” process.

The adage ‘time heals’ has some merit. What time can’t heal is the heaviness of loss, and the reactions to triggers that we experience, even if our quest to become parents ended many years ago. Perhaps it ended quietly, without drama, without any date or event to mark its passing. For some, the quest never had a chance to start if the right partner wasn’t found at the right time. This is where therapy such as Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT, aka tapping) comes in, to allow those physical manifestations of our emotions to be released.

You might think it’s impossible to not have the heart-wrenching, stomach-churning, tear-inducing reactions to pregnancy news, baby photos on social media, or office chit-chat about children, or perhaps now, grandchildren. These reactions are showing you that you still have an inner conflict between current reality without children and your desired reality. You don’t really need me to tell you that. What I can tell you is that those reactions don’t need to be a permanent reminder of, and trigger for, childlessness. EFT can remove that conflict and allow a calm, peaceful, and safe acceptance of a life without children.

Acceptance is another loaded word. So, would the word ‘acquiesce’ seem a softer, gentler way to move through childlessness—when you’re ready—into a future that does have possibilities? It doesn’t matter that you don’t know now what those possibilities are. Just the recognition that there could be potential for happiness and contentment without children may give you something to be curious about when the time is right for you. It can also bring up issues around identity. If we no longer have our grief for childlessness as a label—who are we? That’s a whole other conversation.

Living a full and happy life without children is possible. It doesn’t happen overnight, but by grieving, knowing that healing is possible and that you are allowed to move through this. You don’t need to be in despair forever, even though it may seem as though that’s your life sentence right now. You also don’t need a grand plan to find self-worth or value. We are allowed to live a vibrant or quiet life, when we feel that we have the energy to do that, and when we permit ourselves to do that.

Letting go of the heaviness and sadness of childlessness—and the reactions to triggers—can be emotional. Not having to carry around that heaviness for the rest of your life is amazingly liberating. We don’t have children, but we can find happiness. We can move through childlessness to find a new path.

Lana Walker (@worthy.and.content) is a Childless Not By Choice therapist using EFT, based in England. www.worthyandcontent.com 12

TUTUM JOURNAL summer 2021

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13

My Secret Infertility Struggle 40 Years Ago

BY GERRI GIOVANELLI BAUER

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TUTUM JOURNAL summer 2021

As a-65 -year- old childless senioR, I have learned that infertility transcends generations. I wrote the following autobiographical essay in the summer

An Essay: A Long, Lonely Road of Infertility and Loss Summer 1983. Florida

of 2013 for a college writing class. I was 56 years old and



completing my bachelor’s degree, one class per semester

“I just lost a baby.”

while working full-time at a university. Writing the essay

My hand flutters over my abdomen. I can’t voice the sense of loss, or

was emotionally painful, even though my infertility

how strange it felt to see what my body had spit out and realize what

journey had ended a decade earlier with the finality of a

might have been.

hysterectomy. Fibroids, endometriosis, and a tilted, or

“I didn’t even have time to get to the doctor for a pregnancy test,” I say,

retroverted, uterus had been my major gynecological

instead.

problems.

The essay opens with a miscarriage at a time when I wasn’t even trying to get pregnant. I was 26 going on 27

“Whose was it?” says Mike, who knows it was his. He has no other comment.

I realize the already crumbling marriage is over.

Fall 1983

and still sorting out my life. I had just begun to wonder



if I were carrying a child when I lost the one-month

We sign the divorce papers.

pregnancy. A decade of anguish passed as I attempted to conceive.

No one had told me that fertility drops significantly after age 30. I was the generation that thought we could do and have it all. Delaying childbirth was common. I thought little of waiting until age 32 to finally get serious about trying to get pregnant. I wish I’d talk more about the experience as I was going through it. The openness and conversations around infertility today are blessings denied those of us in the pre-Internet, pre-social-media age. My journey was a private hell known only to a small circle.

Early in my journey, medical infertility resources were rare. The nearest clinic was 45 miles from my home.

My anxiety disorder spiked at the thought of the drive.

I couldn’t arrange time off from my job to undergo treatment. Instead, I followed my local doctor’s suggestions—all low-tech ideas. Ovulation kits didn’t yet exist.



Fall 1986

“Yeah, Mom, uh huh, but we’re not ready yet. Yes, I know I’m 29. Yes, I know you want grandchildren. So does Pete’s mom. We’ll get there.

Just like we got married after living together. You were worried about that happening, too, remember?”

I hang up the phone. Remember telling me, Mom, how your generation had no choices? Mine does. The babies will come. On my time. My and Pete’s time. 

Spring 1989

It’s time. 

Fall 1989

I thought getting pregnant was easy. 

Spring 1990

My doctor gives me paper grids, a thermometer, and instructions about taking my temperature every day at the same time, in the same position and gauging and guessing ovulation cycles. It’s 1990. This is the best medical science can do?

After I lost a second pregnancy, I tried fertility drugs, as

Spring 1990

more treatment options had become available by then, but



my eggs were too small. I was in my 40s when I realized

Advice pours into me as thickly as the semen that can’t find a home

the dream was over.

in my womb. Have sex every day. No, have sex once a week. No, have

The Internet was very young when I suffered the second loss. I found tremendous support online at INCIID, the InterNational Council on Infertility Information Dissemination, and I thank them to this day. My faith, which I had strayed from, swept in and buoyed me like a rock, as did my husband, our families, and friends.

sex every other day. Store the semen. Use a turkey baster. Stand on your head. The ideas grow more outlandish the more the alcohol flows at Friday night happy hours, where the Bauer Pregnancy Project is a popular topic of conversation, speculation, and ribald jokiness.

No one is laughing anymore.

I pine for my previous doctor, the one who moved away, the one who noticed scarring.

Faith, family, and friends. They are what mattered to me

I look in vain for other doctors on my insurance.

then, and what matters today. May God bless you all in

“Don’t worry,” says my doctor.

your journeys, wherever you may be, whatever you do or

“Don’t worry,” says Pete.

don’t believe. Know that you are not alone.

I’m drowning.

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15



Fall 1991



I quit smoking. 

Spring 1992

I quit drinking. 

myself. In case the first result was a false positive.

Even the third test shows positive. Even the nurses in the doctor’s office cry.

I’m 41. So old to be a new mother. No, no, no, it’s okay. Oh, happy

Fall 1992

I quit all things caffeine. 

January 1998

My hands tremble as I give myself another pregnancy test. I steel

Spring 1993

day. 

Week 4

My life is segmented into two-week increments:

The office gossip overhears a private conversation. I become a

Weeks 1 and 2: Euphoria and hope, hope, hope that I’m pregnant.

group pregnancy.

Weeks 3 and 4: Depressive slog until the next ovulation period.

The Mommy Club embraces me with a warm, maternal welcome.



My due date is October 28.

Fall 1993

Week 8

The nearest reproductive specialist is in Orlando.



Insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatments.

We don’t hear a heartbeat. “Don’t panic,” my doctor says. It could

I think about adoption.

be the position of the baby.



Spring 1994

Scheduled sex. It’s everything you ever thought it might be. 

Spring 1995

Final diagnosis: Unexplained infertility. 

Spring 1996

The success rate for in-vitro fertilization for women my age is 7 percent. That’s a 93 percent chance of failure. It costs $10,000 to $12,000 a try. 

Fall 1996

Adoption school. Yes, really. Only we can’t bring ourselves to go.

People who pass adoption school are routed into the baby pipeline, where the waiting list for newborns is at least two years.

Older child? Special-needs child? Fostering? Time. Money.

Availability. Ability. Scheduling. Placement. Assessment.

Ambivalence. 

Spring 1997

parents older than 40.

The processing fee to adopt a baby from another country: $25,000

Fall 1997

I want to throw my glass of iced tea at the TV, to wipe away the smiling faces of happy young parents and their happy young children.

I read newspaper stories of child abuse, and wonder why horrible parents were able to get pregnant. And why they aren’t forced to go to parenting school.

I think about writing a book called The Faces of Infertility. Because few know the private agony taking place behind the public persona of the woman down the street, at the mall, in the next cubicle, at the party, sitting at a coffee shop, dancing at a club, walking on the beach, avoiding a baby shower. It’s not like we chat about it.

16

I join the Publix baby club. 

Week 12

I smile at Pete and lie on the table while the sonogram tech preps me. I wish he would hurry. I can’t wait another second for the first glimpse of the baby.

I can’t see the screen from my angle. Instead, I see the tech’s face contort into horror, as he looks at the screen.

The reason we heard no heartbeat is because there is none. My baby is dead.

It’s not even a baby. It’s not even a fetus. It’s an embryo that hasn’t developed. No. No. No. No. I felt this baby. Spoke to this baby.

Loved this baby. S/he is still my baby, and still inside me.

Somehow, I am standing in the parking lot, sobbing into Pete’s shoulder. I see nothing and hear everything. Car tires crackle on pebbly asphalt. A car door slams. Footsteps. Talking. Laughter.

The day has no right to be so normal.

Many foreign countries refuse to adopt children to American



Pete and I pick names but keep them between only us.

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

Week 12

“Your body will expel the tissue naturally, in about two weeks, in what will feel like a heavy period,” my doctor says with clinical detachment.

I stare at him in disbelief. He has no clue. He expects me to function as though nothing is amiss. Nothing except a dead, almost-baby inside me. He says there is no other option at this point in a pregnancy. I wonder whether he took the Hippocratic Oath.

I am living my very own horror movie. 

Week 13

I pull the curtains closed, unplug the phone, turn down the lights. I want to see no one, speak to no one, go nowhere. I eat ice cream.

I read, novel after novel after novel, craving escape, craving numbness. One book resonates: Four Dreamers and Emily, because the four main characters are all misfits, like me.



Week 14

4:30 a.m.

My contractions are five minutes apart. Between the fierce assaults, I wonder why I’m having contractions. This is a miscarriage.

I can hardly breathe through the spasms. I suck in a breath, double over in pain, straighten, and pace. Gasp, wrench, walk. Repeat.

I ease into a chair. I don’t want to wake Pete or call my mother, or my doctor. I can get through this myself.

And then blood starts gushing out of me, covering the chair, spurting across the floor, puddling in pools, an endless, red, flowing, glowing flood of blood. 

Week 14

5:00 a.m.

I’m hustled into the ER without anyone even asking for insurance.

I’m kind of surprised. Nowhere in my dazed stupor does it yet register that I’m seriously hemorrhaging lifeblood.

I lie on the gurney, poked, prodded, attached to tubes and cords,



Week 18

The Cassadaga medium peers at me across the white table on her porch.

“Does the name Jay mean anything to you?” she asks.

My gaze darts to hers, and she reads the shock in mine, and we stare at each other.

“That was the name we chose, for a baby, but we didn’t tell anyone,” I stammer. “I just had a miscarriage. We didn’t tell anyone what names we picked.”

Her face registers the surprise that I feel. She tells me she sees two miscarriages associated with me. As if I’ll have another one, I want to ask. Gee. Thanks.

That night, my long-deceased immigrant Slovenian grandmother appears to me in a dream. She sits in a rocking chair, stern of face, rocking hard as if annoyed, and shakes her head no. I understand this to mean I won’t have another miscarriage.

I wake up and remember the long-ago lost pregnancy that took place during my first marriage. My grandmother was right. I won’t have another miscarriage. I already had two. My journey is over.

and clinging to Pete as though he were the lifeline. I see pity in the nurse’s eyes.

Women who lose babies at Week 16 or later of pregnancy are admitted as patients and moved to real beds in real hospital rooms.

My Week 14 status doesn’t qualify. I lie on the ER gurney in an ER exam room for what seems like hours.

I learn that contractions are an added attraction of secondtrimester miscarriages. 

Week 15

I am kicked out of the Mommy Club. 

Week 16

The same little boy keeps appearing to me in dreams, telling me not to grieve. 

Week 17

Go away faith. I’m not interested, don’t need you, don’t want to rely on you to get me through. I’m mad at God. Go away.

Faith doesn’t budge.

Faith follows me, into the shadowy, empty church, and grazes my shoulders, as I kneel, crying, in front of flickering votive candles before a life-sized sculpture of the Holy Family. I open my eyes and look around, to see who touched me. Someone had touched Photo: PETER D. BAUER

me. It felt like someone behind me had placed their hands on my shoulders, in a gesture of sharing my sorrow. I peer, hard, all around the church, at the rows of pews, at the dimly lit sanctuary. The afternoon light filtering through the tall windows falls on emptiness.

No one is there.

Gerri Bauer (@gerri.bauer) is a novelist, blogger, and a former journalist, based in the U.S. www.gerribauer.com www.tutumjournal.com

17

Discovering

PEACE In Brokenness…

BY BRANDI LYTLE

D

epending on where you are in your journey, you may feel that finding peace in childlessness is simply not possible. As someone who battled infertility for ten years and vividly remembers sitting on the bathroom floor alone, crying, and completely terrified of never having kids, I get it. Accepting a childless not by choice life is a complex process.

A big part of this process is allowing yourself to feel. If you are willing to feel the sorrow and want to feel the joy, then you are capable of traveling the arduous path towards acceptance, the path to finding PEACE...

Now, you might notice that I said, “the path to finding PEACE” in all caps. This is because we are going to use PEACE as an acronym, exploring each letter as a step in the process of acceptance…

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Physical Acceptance

Acceptance

To find peace with our childless life, we must first find

Allowing ourselves to find joy leads us to step 3 of finding

the “P” in PEACE. What exactly is “physical acceptance?”

PEACE—Acceptance of our entire journey (the “A” in PEACE).

Well, it involves many different aspects of our lives...

In other words, we must accept that the childless journey is

We must accept ourselves, including the physical limitations of our bodies. For some, that means accepting infertility. For others, it is chronic illness (such as endometriosis, adenomyosis, PCOS, etc.), premature menopause, or other medical conditions. We must accept others and their physical limitations, too. We must accept our lives, including finances and limitations that make some treatments unattainable, space and not having ample physical room for a child, relationship status, and not finding the right person to grow a family with…

NOT linear. There will be ups and downs, twists and turns.

We will encounter triggers that cause little wobbles and BIG wobbles.

The truth is that finding peace in childlessness is finding acceptance of your entire journey. Well, it takes work. At first, second-by-second work, finding the strength to simply breathe. Then, minute-by-minute and hour-by-hour work.

Eventually, it is day-by-day work. And finally, after accepting physical limitations, after accepting that you must grieve, after accepting that it’s okay to find joy and be happy, it becomes more of a month(s)-by-month(s) process…

So, in finding peace with our childless journey with physical acceptance, we must love ourselves as we are…

Courage to Embrace

Emotional Acceptance

That brings us to the fourth and final step in finding PEACE

The “E” in PEACE is emotional acceptance, which

and final “E” in PEACE). Now, in my humble opinion, “accept”

involves both the grief journey and the joy journey. We

and “embrace” are two different things. It took me years to

must allow ourselves to feel that cavernous, take-away-

accept my infertility before I could embrace the fact that I

your-breath, not sure if you will survive, all-consuming,

am indeed infertile. It took me more years to accept that

scary pain and sadness. Allow yourself to be sad,

my life is childless not by choice. Only recently have I truly

angry, confused, and to grieve. Grieve the littles you so

begun to embrace a childless life. Acceptance of your entire

desperately wanted, the dreams lost. Then, grieve some

journey and the courage to embrace what is looks different

more.

for everyone.

But don’t get stuck in your sadness. After allowing

If you are thinking, “I’m nowhere near embracing this life I

yourself to work through your grief, the next step in

didn’t ask for!” Well, that’s okay. You can start finding peace

emotional acceptance is to allow yourself to be happy,

by accepting. Accept where you are. Be kind to yourself.

to find joy. For us childless, I think we often feel intense guilt about being happy with a childless life. We feel guilty for finding the bright sides, thinking that means we “gave up” on our dream of having kids. These are lies.

The truth is that we wanted a little, but we couldn’t have one. So, we grieved. Then, we allowed ourselves to find joy.

with childlessness—the Courage to Embrace what is (The “C”

And remember—you aren’t walking this path alone. There are thousands of childless warriors who are trying to find peace in childlessness, trying to find the courage to embrace what is. Just like you.

Accepting, embracing, and finding peace. It’s a journey.

Reach out when you wobble and be willing to lend a hand when others struggle…

Brandi Lytle (@notsomommy) is part of the Tutum Journal editorial team, Founder of Not So Mommy… and creator of the olive green Childless Not By Choice Awareness Ribbon, based in the U.S. www.notsomommy.com www.tutumjournal.com

19

Dear Infertility,

I Love You

BY MISSY DESIREE

In 2017, between many wonderful things, I was a mess of sadness, tears, and anger as I grappled with the reality that I might never be able to have children of my own.

As the doctor slid the test results over and gently explained my diagnosis, I sat in stunned silence, surrounded by the feeling of utter isolation.

Here I sat, at 32 years old, and my eggs were all but gone.

Depleted. Vanished.

I felt betrayed and, in that moment, as if my mind and body were in two different times. I sat there still, as the feeling of guilt settled into my bones like we were old friends and my mind raced with questions.

My husband Christian and I had been married for ten wonderful years. However, we were determined together to wait until we were one hundred percent ready to have children. We bought a house, paid off all our debt, and had amazing adventures traveling all over the world.

Then, I at 32 and him at 36, we were finally ready to start a family. Yet, as soon as those dreams came up, they came crashing down around us.

Infertility is a loss.

It’s the loss of a dream—a loss of an assumed future.

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. It was in my plans for the future and I believed that I had a choice as to when I would make that happen.

I believed that all I would have to do is decide. But, that’s not how it happens for everyone and that’s not how it was happening to me.

Infertility is an all-encompassing feeling that isn’t easy to understand unless you’ve experienced it. I can’t properly explain the feelings of loss, sadness, anger, and guilt. The feelings of grappling with your faith and wondering if you’re somehow being punished or abandoned by God. The feelings of being so naïve to think that it would happen when we were ready.

I can’t explain the feeling of losing a child that never existed, never getting to know their eye color or what attributes they would have ultimately inherited from either of us, or never getting to see who they would become.

For a year, it felt like my infertility was a never-ending cycle of doctors’ visits, blood work, tests, hope, and heartache.

From the end of 2017 to 2018, we visited infertility doctors and specialists who kept telling me that despite my diagnosis and PCOS, I had a chance to conceive with treatment.

They laid out plans before us that could potentially get us to our dream of having our own child. We heavily discussed, agonized, and weighed the options that were given to us. However, at the end of it all, we came to the soul-crushing realization through doctors that, 20

TUTUM JOURNAL spring 2021

given my earlier diagnosis of Chiari Malformation, it would be dangerous for me to give birth to a child. So ultimately, we were left with two options—to adopt or remain childless.

It must be said that adoption does not take away the grief of infertility, nor should it be considered a backup plan. I have always told Christian from the beginning that I wanted to have a child of our own and then one day adopt another.

So, we sat down, read books, articles, attended a course, and learned more about the options and process. However, what we came to find is that with the reality of adoption right now—the process and the costs—we were simply overwhelmed, and at the time, it didn’t feel like something we wanted to pursue. I was adamant that if we were going to adopt, we were only going to go into it with a hundred percent mental and emotional commitment.

At this point, the grief had taken on a new form and I started to not be able to recognize who I was. I felt as if my choices had been stripped from me and I had no control or power. I felt like the equivalent of a lab rat constantly being poked and prodded to come to the same conclusions. I was missing time at work, spending money on unanswered questions. I was tired of doctors trying to stop my heavy menstrual cycle with birth control or start a skipped period with synthetic hormones, and my husband was tired of seeing me struggle. He was tired of having to see the side effects and scared of the potential hazards that would be required of me for us to have a child.

My thoughts and actions were so focused on becoming a mother that I didn’t have time to work on and process through the grief. I wanted to get back to who I was, and in order to do that, I had to ask for help. I had to finally realize and come to terms with one simple thing. “Infertility is not my fault.”

It was after this that I had to take a step back. We sat down and had at-length conversations where we both came to the same conclusion—that we married each other for our life together. Everything else we had or will have was a bonus. Our path now needed to be focused on continuing to put each other first.

For most, having a child is as easy as a sexual encounter, but for those of us on the infertility journey, the lengths and costs we must go through to have a chance at a child can feel never-ending and all-encompassing. This can induce a feeling of resentment and anger for those pregnancy photos or announcements that we encounter daily and a society that celebrates motherhood. With time, I’ve learned to view these moments with a deeper understanding and happiness. I have learned to sit in the feelings they may or not bring and find peace.

I just wanted to live life and not be in this cycle of hope and grief. I was tired of getting lost in the dark, and the fear of never becoming a mother outweighed the fear of living without children.

I heard someone once say that you’ve always been childless so embrace who you’ve always been and begin to love and live that life.

Others will have a difficult time accepting your life and your decisions, but remember that it is your path. Every person has their own stopping point, whether that is right after you find out, after treatments, etc.

Your journey and path are unique to you and when you get there, you will know.

There is no one answer to how to live a fulfilling life. A fulfilling life doesn’t just look like a life with children.

It is usually an awkward conversation with others we first meet, who don’t yet know our story, but we have decided at this time to step back, take back my power, and seek new adventures as we live a childfree life. Now we are taking the time for travel, self-growth, a deeper purpose, a new identity, and spreading love to family, friends, and their children.

There have been so many moments in my life that tried to break me. Infertility was one of them. It was oftentimes a soul-crushing and dark journey. I felt like my body was betraying me and there was nothing I could do about it.

During that time, I made medical and financial choices for my health that I thought would result in a child. It left me feeling guilty that money was being spent in an attempt to fix my brokenness—money we often didn’t have.

Ultimately, I felt lost.

Nevertheless, when we finally made the choice to step back and focus on the now, everything changed. I finally had a moment to breathe, to find peace with my body and my infertility, and to find myself again. It hasn’t been an easy journey, but one that I’m glad happened, because if it hadn’t, I wouldn’t have found a strength within me I didn’t know existed. I would not have learned so much about my body. I would not have met so many amazing women in this tribe. And, I would have never found the person I was meant to be and my purpose.

I never thought I could say I love my infertility, but I do because I need to in order to love myself, to love my story, and to be proud of my story.

Missy Desiree (@thewanderingrebels) is a photographer and founding blogger of The Wandering Rebels, based in the U.S. www.thewanderingrebels.com www.tutumjournal.com

21

GAME CHANGER Building An Auntorage For The

BY BRANDI LYTLE

elanie Notkin is a proud auntie, author, speaker,

M

researcher, and entrepreneur. Founder and editor-inchief of Savvy Auntie, a lifestyle brand for cool aunts,

great-aunts, godmothers, and all women who love kids, Melanie is childless by circumstance. She shares, “I had always dreamed of getting married and having kids, but neither has happened.” Despite being childless and single, she considers herself “child-full,” (a term coined by her), because “I choose to fill my life with the children I love.” Melanie is quick to state that, of course, being an aunt does not replace motherhood; however, “It is a lovely way to use that maternal muscle [and] be an ‘other mother’ in a child’s life.” As she so eloquently articulates, “I’m not their mom. I’m not their friend. I’m their aunt, the perfect blend.”

In her late 30s, Melanie worked for a global beauty company, flying back and forth to Paris. Like all good aunts, she would bring back wonderful gifts from her trips, but the kids wanted Bob the Builder and Dora the Explorer. Not knowing what these toys were and realizing there was a market gap, she decided to create Savvy Auntie.

Savvy Auntie: A Celebration of Modern Aunthood is a multi-platform company, which includes so much more than a website and social media. According to Melanie, her roles at Savvy Auntie include contributing to and/or being a guest on media outlets including radio, and podcasts, plus responding to and sharing relevant thirdparty news and information. Behind the scenes, Melanie focuses on creating revenue and managing her intellectual property. Since Savvy Auntie is self-funded, securing brand partnerships, as well as ensuring that entities use trademarks with permission and payment, helps keep the business viable and thriving.

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Photo: CIRCE HAMILTON

print and digital news outlets, live social media events, as well as TV,

Melanie also coined the term PANK (Professional Aunt, No Kids) so that the 18.3 million childless aunties ages 20-50 “could self-identify and so people external to this group could see it as a cohort.” Having an acronym (a name) allowed an opportunity to open discussions with brands and marketers about the fact that not all women are mothers, as well as break down stereotypes and “help the media have a different conversation.”

This “different conversation” is sorely needed. In her 2016 New York Post article, “The most undervalued women in America are childless aunts,” Melanie expressed some of the dismissive and insensitive comments parents have made to her when she shared about the kids in her life—her nieces and nephew. When I asked her about these experiences, she commented, “It’s not personal, really. It’s universal.”

She went on to explain that if a woman is able to have children, “[She] can barely keep track of all the messaging for baby gear, toys and apparel, and college fund investing…” Women who do not have children, however, but want to provide for their nieces and nephews, are expected to learn all of this on their own.

This lack of being seen is another reason Melanie founded Savvy Auntie. More important than a business opportunity, she states, “Moms and dads have their own communities, but there was nothing where aunts could connect with other aunts.” Savvy Auntie created that community, an “auntorage,” as she calls it. The “auntorage” is not just for aunties by relation. “The other mother in a child’s life, the auntie by choice, the best friend, etc. Perhaps most importantly, this space allows aunts to ask each other questions rather than having to go to the moms, feeling like “we don’t know anything about the kids we love,” she says.

Not only did Melanie coin the name PANK and create an auntorage through Savvy Auntie, but she also created Auntie’s Day®, celebrated the fourth Sunday in July. “There’s Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. There was no day for this woman [an aunt] who, often, wasn’t even able to acknowledge or appreciate herself or the role that she plays in a child’s life,” she insightfully explained. Once again, Melanie passionately asserts that this is not simply for aunts by relation. According to her, if you think of a child like a niece or a nephew, then you should think of yourself like an aunt. Because of this, Auntie’s Day® is a day for aunts to not only feel appreciated by their nieces and nephews but also to have a moment to appreciate themselves. According to Melanie, “Aunthood is a gift to children, to parents, and to [the aunt] herself.” It is extremely important to her that aunts realize the important role they play in the family. For Melanie, “family” is so much more than the nuclear, immediate family that society has narrowly defined.

When asked how she celebrates Auntie’s Day®, Melanie smiled and said, “I’m often celebrating by helping other aunts celebrate and feel honored. So, I’m in front of my laptop, and I end up celebrating Auntie’s Day® on another day with my nieces and nephew. But last year was very special to me. Because of quarantine, I hadn’t seen them, and I missed them terribly. My brother brought them in [to the city] and we went for a walk and got ice cream. I have to say, it was probably the best Auntie’s Day® because COVID-19 made me appreciate just how much I love my nieces and nephew.”

www.tutumjournal.com www.tutumjournal.com

23 23

Photo: ANNE GAMBUTO

This is life. Right now.

What we imagine is not life.

What we regret is not life.

Right here, right now is life.

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PANK data and insights are a substantial area of focus for Melanie. In fact, she has worked on several national research studies.

According to the 2018 national study, “GENERATION PANK: A Report on the Social and Economic Influence of Professional Aunts No Kids,” conducted by Melanie Notkin Media, Inc. with Michael DeCicco, 13% of aunties (either by relation or by choice) have ten or more nieces and nephews. In fact, on average, childless aunts have more nieces and nephews (2.5 per PANK) than moms have kids (1.73). When asked, 91% say their role as aunt is “very important to them.” Yet, only 28% feel appreciated by society in general for the meaningful role they play in children’s lives and the family-village. According to Melanie, more research is needed to understand if this means aunts feel unseen, unimportant, and/or unrecognized. She mused that perhaps it is because of the way US society uses the term “family,” as if those of us who don’t have children aren’t interested in their health or education. The 2018 study proves this is false, discovering that 63% of PANKs contribute to the education of their nieces and nephews. As she asserts, “We [childless aunts] are very generous and loving women.”

Not only has Melanie helped design and conduct studies about PANKs, but she has written a book about those who expected to get married and have children, but for whom that hasn’t happened. Otherhood: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness is, in her own words, “A reported memoir—my life, narrated by me—but I [also] talked to other women who don’t have children.” Melanie shares these “otherhood” stories so that women know they are not alone. She also wants to help break down stereotypes, teaching society in general about the disenfranchised grief of the childless and who childless women really are. One way she has done this is through her TEDx entitled, Welcome to the Otherhood. In this inspiring talk, she speaks vulnerably and passionately about her own childless grief, and shares data from studies to authentically describe women of the “otherhood.”

Ultimately, Melanie doesn’t want women of the “otherhood” to stay in “this very painful place called ‘borderline regret.’” She continued, sharing that “When you are in this place of ‘borderline regret,’ there is no right answer. There is only moving forward.” For Melanie, that means we must make a decision. Although there is “no right answer,” she understands that we still worry about making the right decision. She states, we must realize that “This is life. Right now. What we imagine is not life.

What we regret is not life. Right here, right now is life. So, we must move beyond hope because, as we childless know, hope can be cruel and painful.” Now on the other side of hope, she concluded with these powerful words, “I want women to give themselves permission to make a decision. I want them to give themselves permission to move forward.”

Brandi Lytle (@notsomommy) is part of the Tutum Journal editorial team, Founder of Not So Mommy… and creator of the olive green Childless Not By Choice Awareness Ribbon, based in the U.S. www.notsomommy.com www.tutumjournal.com

25

What It Means To Aunt Honey

BY TRACEY B. WILSON

How a nickname became my North Star I change my hair color a lot.

When my eldest niece, Evalee, was about three, we had a family get-together. I had just lightened my hair, and upon seeing me for the first time in a few weeks, she looked at me confused. In her cute little toddler voice, my niece asked, “What colow is youw haiw?”

“Well,” I smiled. “It’s not really brown, and it’s not really blonde. It’s kind-of honey colored hair.”

“AUNT HONEEEEEEEEY!!!” my niece yelled with glee, and she laughed and laughed. My heart melted, and Aunt Honey was born.

When I was christened with this name, more than a decade ago, I didn’t know I was about to get lost in the darkness of infertility. I didn’t yet know that I would “only” ever be called Aunt Honey, and that I would never be called Mom. I also didn’t know then that Aunt Honey would become more than just a cute nickname to me. It would become my way of life.

I love being called Aunt Honey. I love being Aunt Honey. And I love Aunt Honey-ing.

Now let me be clear. It took me a lot of work to embody Aunt Honey, and it didn’t happen overnight. I first spent a lot of time in the dark of infertility, struggling with my purpose and identity. This is an exploration that will last forever. When I eventually started focusing on what I do have, instead of what I don’t, the light gradually started coming in, and the healing slowly began. Instead of denying my huge capacity to nurture, I began approaching the world from that exact place.

I was named Aunt Honey in an instant. But I became Aunt Honey little by little. Day by day. One act of nurturing at a time.

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FACT. AUNTS WITHOUT CHILDREN are magical beings. Many of us have a super-power to nurture any thing, anywhere, at any time. This radiates from our core if we want it to. And when we consciously cultivate that ability, it grows exponentially. To AUNT HONEY is to step into this power and live a life of intentional nurturing, in our own authentic ways.

To AUNT HONEY is to be that person for someone else that you needed for yourself. It is to live in gratitude and appreciation for the smaller moments in life, and to share this joy wherever you can.

To AUNT HONEY is to have a heightened sense of awareness and love for people who feel left out.

It is to know that kids listen to you with a different set of ears than they do their parents and so you must choose your words wisely.

AUNT HONEYS are INFLUENCERS in the truest sense of the word.

To AUNT HONEY is to breed happiness and healing. To AUNT HONEY is to sprinkle seeds of joy.

Society needs us. It needs the Aunt Honey’s of the world to share our own brand of nurturing love to the best of our abilities. Our perspectives are unique. Our voices are necessary.

When my niece Téa was twelve, her best friend turned to her and said, "You're so lucky. I wish I had an Aunt Honey.”

She didn’t say, “I wish I had an aunt.”

She said, “I wish I had an Aunt Honey.”

It’s different. And it’s awesome. And I am proud of that.

If you are reading this, and you are currently in the dark days of your infertility journey, I see you. You are not alone. I am standing here, at the end of the tunnel—for whenever you are ready—cheering for you to take one step closer into the sun. Cheering for you to discover your own unique ways to AUNT HONEY. You’ve got this. You are magic.

And I love you.

Yes, You.

Tracey B. Wilson (@traceybwilson) is an actor/filmmaker and live event host, based in the U.S. www.traceybwilson.com www.tutumjournal.com

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A MONTHLY HUG IN A BOX

HELP US SEND CARE PACKAGES TO ELDER ORPHANS Together we can ensure our childless elders don't feel forgotten.

For more information, visit tutumglobal.com/care-packages or scan code

MEDICAL AWAKENING

The Importance of Wellness Visits

BY JOBI TYSON

hen you are young and healthy, going to the doctor is often the last thing on your mind—especially if you don’t have

W

insurance.

The annual check-up of the past is undergoing a total transformation, so if you haven’t had a wellness visit in a while, it might be time to check it out.

Rather than a quick exam, chat, and some blood work, the visits are changing to include conversations about family history and lifestyle as well as checking your vital signs, reviewing your medications, and making a schedule for preventative screenings and immunizations.

Know your history Sometimes the subject matter can be hard to dig into, especially because some families don’t share much about their relatives’ health issues. For example, if you have a father who suffered from alcoholism, which can be a genetic trait, it’s something important to know.

Those with a family history of high cholesterol may get lipid panels done each year to check their levels, while others may not need that blood work as often.

Lifestyle choices such as smoking, drinking, or unprotected sexual activity with multiple partners can be uncomfortable for some patients to talk openly about, as can mental health issues. However, a doctor can’t determine a plan for care and screenings without knowing all the elements.

It is recommended that even those who see doctors frequently for management of chronic conditions should set aside a separate wellness appointment to talk about the big picture.

The role of technology Electronic medical records can be powerful tools to understand peoples’ risks and communicate health history across systems.

So, it’s important to sit down and review that record with your doctor to make sure all the diagnoses and procedures done are correct, and the list of immunizations and medications is up to date.

Patient portals that allow people to send secure, electronic messages, photos, and information directly to their providers now make it easier to keep the big picture of an individual’s health and wellness up to date.

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NAVIGATING AGING

Reframing

OLD ATTITUDES TO OLD AGE WITHOUT CHILDREN

BY JODY DAY

In my decade of listening to and supporting childless women, there is one phrase that each of us arrives at once we know for sure that being a parent isn’t going to be our life path — “Who’s going to look after me when I’m old?” It’s a difficult one to answer; so difficult that many of us decide that it’s too hard, and instead, defer it as something we don’t have to deal with— yet.

We stuff it at the back of our mental cupboard and hope that by the time it becomes a truly pressing issue, something will have magically changed.

We of all people know, deep in our hearts, that ‘hope’ is an unreliable narrator in our lives and that if we want the story to have an enjoyable third act, we need to write it ourselves.

TERESA WALTON PHOTOGRAPHY

When the endemic ageism in our society is allied to sexism and pronatalism, the mixture for those of us women ageing without children is routinely portrayed in the media as relentlessly grim.

Now, not for a moment am I trying to sugar-coat the challenges here, but I’d like to suggest to you that perhaps the media isn’t the most accurate reflection of our realities. For example, if you’ve taken the plunge to join an online or offline community or event for childless women (like the many that Gateway Women organizes across the world), you may have discovered that the diverse, courageous, funny, intelligent, and normal women you’ve encountered there bear no resemblance at all to your internalized negative expectations of what those ‘other childless women’ were going to be like. It turns out we’re not the

Who’s going to look after me when I’m old?

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bunch of ‘weeping weirdoes’ (that’s a real quote by the way) our pronatalist society may have brainwashed us to expect from childhood fairytales onwards.

So, could it be that ageing without children might not be so terrible either? Perhaps there are some things we can do to prepare for it so we have something to look forward to rather than dread?

The fear of ageing and death is quite normal and so is avoiding preparing for them, whether you have children or not. Indeed, in both the UK and USA, more than fifty percent of adults don’t even have a will, which just goes to show how few people believe they’re going to die one day. Also, how many people erroneously believe you need to have something ‘to leave’ to need a will and will use that as an ‘excuse’ not to make one? The difference however, for those who are parents, is that should they choose not to make any plans for their old age or after their death, they know (even if they refuse to admit it to themselves) that their children will be forced to make those decisions for them… even if they are not the decisions they might have chosen for themselves. As childless people, we don’t have the luxury of this unconscious choice, and if we are also unpartnered, we are even less likely to be able to fantasize that someone else will deal with the stuff we don’t want to think about. This is an inconvenient truth, but facing up to it can actually be a huge relief.

Avoiding thinking about our own old age is a form of internalized ageism and it’s the first place to start if this article makes you want to stick your fingers in your ears and make all of it go away!

In a past interview with The Age Buster, I’m quoted as saying, “There’s a richness to be found in aging, if approached consciously, just as there is with the grief process. I think the key factor for me here is embracing aging as a conscious process, as a threshold.” There is much we can do to prepare for our old age as childless women, but it’s normal for it to feel overwhelming, which is why it’s good to get peer support with this and start educating and empowering yourself to make the decisions and change the scary negative beliefs that you do actually have agency over. I recommend reading chapter 12 of the 2020 edition of my book, Living the Life Unexpected: How to Find Hope, Meaning, and Fulfilling Future without Children, and exploring the work of anti-ageism campaigner Aston Applewhite. If you want to get into practical planning, Joy Loverdes’ book, Who Will Take Care of Me When I’m Old? has the advantage of not presuming that every reader has (or has had), a life partner or has significant financial resources.

The final chapter of my book is called ‘Taking Off the Invisibility Cloak’ and is all about becoming proactively involved in planning for your own old age and celebrating the wisdom gained from navigating and creating a meaningful identity for ourselves as childless women in a society that seeks to shame us, ignore us, and belittle us. I wrote the first version of that chapter when I was in my late forties in 2011, and revised it substantially for the 2020 edition, as it’s a subject I’ve learned so much more about in the last decade; firstly through my voluntary work as a founding member of the UK organization Ageing Well Without Children and, latterly, as I continue to develop a new Gateway Women project, Conscious Childless Elderwomen, which aims to support and raise positive awareness for older childless women in our society. There are many wonderful #NomoCrones (my term) out there and you are invited to join us each Solstice and Equinox at our free Fireside Wisdom Zoom gatherings. It is my deepest desire that by bringing us together like this we can midwife new conversations and support networks to help all childless women navigate our third acts together.

Although I cannot wave a magic wand and make the logistical and financial challenges that we’re each going to have to navigate go away, I promise that as I transition through my late-fifties and into my sixties and beyond, I will continue to share everything I learn from the many other intelligent, resourceful, experienced and wise childless elderwomen around us. Whatever age you are today, and whatever stage of your childless journey you are on, please know that the childless community is a formidable and exceptionally generous group of people who have each other’s backs. We’ve all survived our worst fear coming true and are determined to make the best of the ‘life unexpected.’ Together, we can do the same for our old age too.

Jody Day is a psychotherapist, the British founder of Gateway Women, and author, based in Ireland. www.gateway-women.com

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Bridging The Gap

Meet Stephanie P. Graham, Esq. of Graham Estate Planning

BY JOBI TYSON

Stephanie P. Graham, Esq., having more than 20 years of practicing law under her belt, has a passion for helping businesses and individuals protect their legacy, which has led her to focus on all facets of estate planning.

She has seen (and felt) first-hand the complicated, painful ramifications of an estate plan’s absence following an untimely death or unexpected health issue. Therefore, it is now her mission to bring estate planning to the masses as she exclaims that planning for tomorrow and preparing for the future is not a luxury solely afforded to the wealthy or for

Editor-In-Chief Jobi Tyson sat down with Stephanie P. Graham, Esq. to discuss how to plan elder care and estate planning to face the future with peace of mind.

Photo: KIM “KIMAZING” TAYLOR

those seasoned in years – it’s for everyone.

Q: What is estate planning and

Q: What is proper estate planning for

A: Your estate consists of everything you own: your car,

A: The main steps are to establish plans for your property and

why is it important?

childless seniors?

home, other real estate, checking and savings accounts,

your well-being by assigning a power of attorney to manage your

investments, life insurance, furniture, and personal

financial affairs and a healthcare proxy or agent, using health care

possessions. No matter how large or how modest, everyone

directives and a Living Will, to protect you should you become

has an estate. At the very least, estate planning should

incapacitated. On the financial front, you should create a power

answer two questions: who should handle your affairs if your

of attorney and choose someone you trust to the extent that you

health debilitates and who will inherit your property when the

would be willing to share your debit card PIN (but never share this

time comes. You may assume that you do not need estate

with anyone). Appoint a power of attorney, which gives your agent

planning if you do not have any children or if your estate is

the legal authority, while you are alive, to manage your financial,

fairly small; however, this can be a major misstep that can

legal, and tax affairs should you become unable to handle these

compromise your likelihood to pass on as many assets as

tasks yourself. Childless seniors often select a best friend who

possible to other beneficiaries, including to charity.

has their best interests at heart – or a spouse, relative, sibling, or

If you pass away without an estate plan in place, the state law will dictate how your property is distributed. You will have given up your right to determine how you want your assets divided, who you want to inherit them, and even who you want to have control of your inheritance. Your loved ones will have to go through a very public, awfully long, very expensive process at the same time they are grieving your death.

Although a will won’t keep you out of probate, it will give the judge instructions on how you want your assets distributed after your passing. Without a will, a stranger (the judge) who does not love or even know your family will be making major decisions for them.

Q: Can an elder insisting on

staying in their home, regardless of failing health be forced to a nursing home?

A: If an older person would rather remain in their home, no one can force them to leave, unless someone goes to court and acquires legal guardianship. However, the court would require two family members or a family member and a doctor or paraprofessional to provide proof that you have become disabled or incapacitated. To prevent this exploitation from occurring, make sure you draft a Power of Attorney with someone who has your best interest at heart to handle these

clergy. Lastly, a Last Will & Testament is needed to establish the Executor in charge of settling your final affairs when you transition, what powers the Executor will have, who inherits your property, and how your property will be transferred to your beneficiaries.

Q: What happens if a childless person dies without a will?

A: If you pass away without a will, you die “unheard” and your assets will pass to your heirs according to the state’s intestacy laws. Based on your situation, a probate judge will declare who will receive an inheritance from your estate. If you’re married without children, all of your assets will pass to your surviving spouse. If you’re single without children, your assets will be distributed in the order of parents, siblings, and then extended family.

Q: What final advice would you give on estate planning?

A: Don’t delay planning. No one enjoys thinking about getting older, but you gain an advantage by planning ahead. While you are still active and independent, take time to formulate your strategy for the future. Consider the living arrangements you want and how you will get assistance if you need it. In addition, the biggest myth is that you don’t have enough assets for estate planning, but it’s not about wealth, it’s about the transfer of assets.

long-term care decisions on your behalf.

Connect with Stephanie: www.grahamestateplanning.com

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M

y guess is you might have recoiled when you read the words ‘joy’ and ‘childlessness’ in the same sentence.

Until a few years ago, I would have done the same. However, I ask you to give me an opportunity to explain.

Firstly, I’ve been where you are. Six unsuccessful rounds of IVF and the death of both my parents left me really struggling and wondering whether I would ever find happiness again. Now that I’ve done the work, I live a wonderful life, with plenty of joy.

Below you’ll find an excerpt from my book to help in your journey of finding joy beyond childlessness: 1. What is joy and how is it different from happiness?

It is fair to say that you could tie yourself up in knots researching both these subjects. However, here are my thoughts: Joy is deeper than happiness. It’s a way of being in the world.

To quote Brother David Steindl-Rast, from his book Gratefulness, The Heart of Prayer, “Joy is happiness that doesn’t depend on what happens.”

Joy comes to us, not by searching for extraordinary moments, but by celebrating the ordinary moments in our lives.

2. How to bring more joy into your life The bottom line is that there is only one way to bring more joy into your life, and that is to figure out what brings you joy and do more of it.

Before you throw your hands up in horror, I do realise that it is a lot easier for me to write about than it is for you to do. Perhaps think of this as an opportunity to explore and discover more about you and what you love to do. Like many voyages of discovery, you may have a few false starts along the way, and perhaps your endpoint could be more interesting and (yes) joyful than you ever imagined.

3. Joy comes to us in small moments.

Pause for a moment and recall the last time you felt joy…

Let me guess, it was something relatively small and free or low cost. Perhaps it was laughing with a friend, a walk in the sunshine, pausing to look up at the sky, getting lost in a book, singing loudly to a favourite song, or a long bath.

Of course, joy comes in big moments but they are few and far between, so one way to get more joy into your life is to recognize and celebrate the small moments and more importantly, deliberately bring more of them into your life.

On the wall behind my desk, I have a list of what I call small pleasures—things I can do that bring me joy. Most, such as those above, are free; others cost a small amount, such as buying a bunch of flowers.

In addition to finding joy, consciously aiming to do at least one each day is a way of bringing self-kindness into your life. It also reminds you that you are important, in which you will always feel much better and relaxed afterwards.

4. So why not savour them?

Finding joy in small moments requires a shift in mindset from completing tasks automatically to consciously taking time to stop, pause, and notice what’s going on around you.

For example, having coffee in my favourite mug is on the list; however, depending on my mindset, it can also be something I do automatically, bringing me no joy at all.

Not too long ago, as I waited for the machine, I noticed new growth in the garden and heard a couple of different birds. I smiled as I recalled a specific BBQ we’d had with friends and remembering the shop where I bought the mug reminded me of a lovely holiday. The simple act of making coffee brought many small moments of joy because I paused. It didn’t take any time out of my day. I was doing what I always do; the difference was my mindset. As a bonus, I came back to my desk refreshed, feeling like I’d had a long break.

Can you see how this small shift in mindset made a big difference?

I hope you now understand that it is possible that joy and childlessness can exist in the same sentence and that finding your joy might not be as challenging as you first thought.

So, if you are ready to start, here are other ways you can do just that: •

Think back over the past month. Which experiences brought you joy? Write them down, and notice what (if anything) they have in common. Do more of them!

•

Make yourself a list of simple pleasures and commit to doing at least one each day.

•

More importantly, when you do them, notice the joy they can bring you.

Lesley Pyne (@lesleypynefindingjoy) is a blogger and author, based in the U.K. www.LesleyPyne.co.uk www.tutumjournal.com

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Exploring Opportunities for

Self-Acceptance

BY ANITA HENDERSON

1. List five or more external activities you use to avoid self-acceptance or to cover up a lack of self-acceptance: (Some examples of external sources are: eating, shopping, work, drugs, alcohol, watching TV, traveling, doing exciting things, focusing on other people.)

2. How would your acceptance of self be impacted if you did not do these activities?

3. Stand before a mirror and describe what you see. Use only positive words:

(What would happen if you did not do these things? How would you feel? What would you do instead?)

(What thoughts come to mind when you look at yourself standing naked in front of a mirror?)

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4. List five characteristics (not physical traits) you like most about yourself:

5. Do you need to be with people to feel accepted?

6. Do you criticize yourself?

7. How do you feel when you make mistakes?

What do you do?

(If so, describe some examples or situations when you do so.

In what ways do you criticize yourself?)

(If so, why? What happens when you are not with others?)

When I make mistakes, I feel . . .

When I make mistakes, I usually . . .

8. Do you trust yourself?

(For example, do you trust yourself to make good decisions and establish new habits? Give examples of areas where you trust yourself and areas where you don’t.)

Areas where I trust myself

Areas where I do not trust myself

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9. What kind of situations cause you to doubt yourself?

10. Do you think you are valuable?

(Fill in the blanks for the statements below.)

(Are you your own best friend? What do you like about yourself and what do you dislike?)

11. List five things you have accomplished in the last six months that you are proud of:

Other thoughts and questions that came up while filling in this worksheet:

Suggestions to keep reflecting on these questions: Pick three questions most relevant to you. Write them on a post-it note and put it into your calendar/mobile device or whatever works best for you. Tick the box if you have followed this suggestion.

Write down a date in your calendar when you want to come back to this worksheet and read/fill it in again. Tick the box if you have followed this suggestion.

Anita Henderson (@anitatheauthorsmidwife) known as The Author’s Midwife, is an author coach, book publishing strategist, and the founder of Write Your Life, based in the U.S. www.writeyourlife.net www.tutumjournal.com

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