VOICES 2013

SotteVoce

An Asian American Literary & Art Magazine Tufts University Spring 2013

SotteVoce

Spring 2013 An Asian American Literary & Art Magazine Tufts University

Beauty Esther  Kim  Photography

Editors’  Note We  are  elated  to  share  with  you  Asian  American  Alliance’s  annual  Voices  Literary  and  Art  Magazine.  Our  theme  this  year  is  Sotto  Voce,  a  musical  term  used  to  describe  a  singing  voice  that,  although  soft,  is  used  to  carry  forth  a  piece’s  most  emphatic  message.

The  stereotype  of  the  Asian  American  community  has  long  been  that  of  a  quiet,  submissive  people.  But  each  of  us  is  in  possession  of  a  voice,  unique  in  pitch,  in  tone,  and  in  message-­â€?-­â€? whether  it  is  heard  through  music, Seen  in  art, Or  read  in  our  literature, We  each  have  something  worth  communicating,  worth  hearing,  and  worth  understanding. Š‹• Â›Â‡ÂƒÂ”ÇĄ ™‡ Šƒ˜‡ •–”‹˜‡Â? –‘ ‹Â?…Ž—†‡ ĥ Â?ƒÂ?› †‹ƥ‡”‡Â?– –›’‡• ‘ˆ ˜‘‹…‡• ĥ ’‘••‹„Ž‡Ǥ Thus,  Voices  2013  has  grown  to  encompass  a  harmony  of  original  student  artwork,  literature,  photogra-­â€? phy,  and  music.

We  are  honored  to  have  Professor  Grace  Talusan  involved  in  our  magazine,  and  wish  to  thank  her  for  reviewing  works  and  selecting  our  1st  and  2nd  place  writing  prize-­�winners.Voices  Literary  Magazine  would  not  have  been  possible  without  the  help  of  Lorrayne  Shen,  whose  guidance  was  invaluable  throughout  this  process.

Finally,  thank  you  to  all  those  who  submitted  to  this  issue  for  sharing  your  voices  with  us.

Table  of  Contents Cover,  Walnuts  Triptych,  Jasmine  Lee  Â

14,  Home,  Alex  Chan

3,  Beauty,  Esther  Kim

16,  Pont  Alexandre  III,  Corinne  Segal

4,  City  Blocks,  Terrance  Tran  Â

16,  Lesson,  Corinne  Segal

5,  Drifting  Dreams,  Jim  Mao

17,  Closet  Diaries,  Eileen  Wang,         http://www.eileeenw.blogspot.tw/

6,  Cruel  Lyrics,  Harrison  Kim Â

Editors-­�in-­�Chief Jasmine  Lee  and  Lillian  Lu

18,  A  Costly  Sight,  Esther  Kim 6ÇĄ •‡ƒ•‘Â?ƒŽ ÂƒĆĄÂ‡Â…Â–Â‹Â˜Â‡ †‹•‘”†‡” ‘” ƒ ‡ƒ•‘Â? ˆ‘” ‹•Ž‹Â?‹Â?‰       Winter,  Joy  Chee 18,  Uncontainable,  Esther  Kim

Editorial,  Layout,  and  Design  Committee Alex  Chan Julianna  Ko Anastasia  Mok April  Tang

6,  Pipe,  Alex  Chan

19,  Summertime,  Amelia  Wills

7,  There  is  a  man,  Lilly  Lu Â

20,  Things  They’ve  Said  To  Me,  Anonymous

8,  Limonal  Distances,  SaraMarie  Bottaro

21ǥ ‡ƪ‡…–‹‘�•ǥ •–Š‡” ‹�

9,  How  to  be  Pretty,  Cassandra  Vasiliu Â

22,  TST  at  Night,  Alex  Chan

10,  No  Thanks(giving),  Avani  Patel Â

22,  Focus,  Alex  Chan

11,  Cars,  Alex  Chan Â

23ÇĄ Â—Â’Â‡Â”ĆŞÂƒÂ–ÇĄ ĥÂ?‹Â?‡ ‡‡

12,  A  Moment  Under  the  Sun,  Yiting  Chen

23,  WWII,  Jasmine  Lee

Dz ǡ ǯ Ƥ Ǥ

Ǥdz (http://terencetran.tumblr.com/)

Drifting Dream Jim Mao

Tufts Alumnus: Terence Tran

Tufts University 2010 Sociology and Communications & Media Studies In 2010, Terrence Trans created a mixtape called, City Blocks as part of his Senior Capstone Project. Tran’s raps span from remixing his own covers of hip hop songs to creating original works. The mixtape also includes collaborations with Tufts students.

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Every night a turn a turn, every day away away.

The moments we learn and learn, are moments we sway and sway.

Buildings grasping the sinking sunset sky, taxis cruising seamlessly by and by.

Feel the whispering wind teeming with life, scenic serenity void ofstrife.

Lifting laughter and silent smiles, Moon casting a frost laced beam, scurrying shadows, sock smeared tiles. remnants of a drifting dream.

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Pipe Alex Chan Photography

Cruel lyrics

Harrison Kim Ƥ Put down your little self to bed Don’t think about the noise Don’t ask me why the river red

There is a man Lilly Lu

Just sleep tonight Don’t worry about the war outside It’s a cruel world A cruel place to die Come closer dear The pain will sink all away Just hold my hand Everything will be okay Just sleep tonight Don’t worry about the war outside It’s a cruel world A cruel place to die Just sleep tonight Don’t worry about the war outside It’s a cruel world A cruel place to die

ơ

Joy Chee it started snowing again, today, but everything melted soon after. nothing stayed not even the thought of you.

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There is a man, A nomad, Who every year returns to the kingdom.

But they see him dressed in rags.

So they draw their curtains Bring down their gates Ƥ Ǥ He speaks And when he does, They blare trumpets That turn his words around And banish them back into his throat To die.

There is a girl Who lingers after the crowd has left And appears as the man leaves.

She blesses him with a kiss—

He halts in his path— A chaste one at the hollow of his throat

From which his words, Which had been buried there, Gasp with new life And take wing from the landing of his lips.

The girl kneels, A goblet in hand, Held up to his mouth ƪ ǡ Falling words.

When it is full, she bows, The brim of the goblet brushing her forehead.

And she, then, leaves.

And the man, too, leaves.

There is a man, a nomad, Who every year returns to the kingdom.

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How  to  be  Pretty Cassandra  Vasiliu

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Limonal  Distances SaraMarie   Bottaro Xerography  on  paper

I.  Look  in  the  mirror—  Nose  too  round  and  oily  blackheads  Eyelashes  barely  visible  Lips  dry  pale  thin  Skin  rough  unevenly  toned  acne  ƒ‹” ĆŞÂƒÂ– †—ŽŽȄ Look  in  the  mirror  Â?Â•ÂƒÂ–Â‹Â•Ć¤Â‡Â†Ç¤ Ugly.

II.  Cry  III.  Flip  through  fashion  magazines: ‘†‡Ž•Ȅ•Â?‘‘–Š •Â?‹Â?ÇĄ ĆŞÂƒÂ™ÂŽÂ‡Â•Â• ÂˆÂ‡ÂƒÂ–Â—Â”Â‡Â•ÇĄ Ž—•…‹‘—• Ž‘‘Â?• Watch  tv  shows,  movies,  Oscars:  …–”‡••‡•Ȅ•Â?‘‘–Š •Â?‹Â?ÇĄ ĆŞÂƒÂ™ÂŽÂ‡Â•Â• ÂˆÂ‡ÂƒÂ–Â—Â”Â‡Â•ÇĄ Ž—•…‹‘—• Ž‘‘Â?• ‡ƒ—–‹ˆ—Ž You—inadequate Ugly.

IV.  Cry—worthless  V.  Envy  your  classmates: Â‡Â”ÂˆÂ‡Â…Â–Č„Â•Â?‘‘–Š •Â?‹Â?ÇĄ ĆŞÂƒÂ™ÂŽÂ‡Â•Â• ÂˆÂ‡ÂƒÂ–Â—Â”Â‡Â•ÇĄ Ž—•…‹‘—• Ž‘…Â?• Beautiful.  ‘—Ȅ‘’’‘•‹–‡Ǥ Â? ‡ ‡ – VI.  Cry  Hate  yourself VII.  Tire  of  crying  Vow  to  change  for  the Ȅ–‘ „‡…‘Â?‡ ’”‡––›Ǥ VIII.  Extensively  research  beauty  products,  tips,  trends: ‡ƒ† Â?ƒ‰ƒœ‹Â?‡ ÂƒÂ”Â–Â‹Â…ÂŽÂ‡Â•Č„Ç˛ÍšÍ˜Í˜ ™ƒ›• –‘ …Ž‡ƒ” —’ •Â?‹Â?ÇĄÇł Dz ‡– ƒŽ‘Â? ÂƒÂ‹Â”ÇĄÇł Dz ƒÂ?‡—’ ‘ǯ• ƒÂ?† ‘Â?ǯ–ǯ•ǥdz Dz ‘‘Â? Ž‹Â?‡ ƒ Â–ÂƒÂ”Çł IX.  Become  obsessed.

X.  Buy:  clay  masks,  pore  strips,  moisturizers,  BB  Cream,  CC  cream,  foundation,  con-­â€? cealer,  liquid  eyeliner,  pencil  eyeliner,  gel  eyeliner,  eyebrow  pencils,  eyelash  curler,  mascara,  eyeshadow  in  every  color,  lipstick,  lip  gloss,  lip  stain,  blush,  cheek  stain,  bronzer,  cream,  lotion,  curler,  straightener,  hair  serum,  hair  spray,  styling  clay,  anti-­â€? frizz  gel...................every  possible  product  to  improve  self XI.  Learn  how  to  use  products:  Watch  top  Youtube  beauty  gurus  Michelle  Phan,  Be-­â€? bexo,  Bubzbeauty,  Makeup  Geek  TV,  MakeupByLeinaBaaaby,  Foxylocksextensions,  —‹…› –ƒ”͘Í&#x;Č„ Dz

”‡‡Â? ‡ƒ ÂƒÂ…Â‹ÂƒÂŽÇł Dz ‡ƒ—–› ”‹…Â? ‘ˆ –Š‡ ‘Â?–Šdz Dz ›‡Ž‹Â?‡” ƒ•‹…• Í™Í˜Í™Çł Dz ‘™ –‘ —”Ž ÂƒÂ‹Â”Çł Dz ‹”Ž• ‹‰Š– —– ƒÂ?‡—’dz XII.  Practice.

Pluck  Scrub  Cleanse  Curl  Done.

XIII.  Look  in  the  mirror—  Contoured  nose,  no  blackheads  Dark  fake  eyelashes  Full  red  lips  Smooth  skin  heavily  powdered  blemish  free Voluminous  shiny  curls—  Perfect.  Pretty  Like  the  rest.

XIV.  Look  in  the  mirror—  Beautiful. Ǥ ‘‘Â? ‹Â? –Š‡ Â?‹””‘”Ȅ ÂƒÂ–Â‹Â•Ć¤Â‡Â†ÇŤ XVI.  No.

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Â?‡„ƒ„• •Šƒ’‡† Ž‹Â?‡ ’‡”ˆ‡…– Š‹Â?‡•‡ ƤÂ?‰‡” Â–Â”ÂƒÂ’Â•ÇĄ ƒÂ?† ”‡‘ brownies  that  need  no  further  description  than  the  fact  that  they  were  ”‡‘ „”‘™Â?‹‡• ˆ‘” ‘†ǯ• •ƒÂ?‡.  Did  I  mention  –Šƒ– ™‡ǯ”‡ Č‹Â?‹Â?† Â‘ÂˆČŒ ˜‡‰‡–ƒ”‹ƒÂ?ÇĄ ƒÂ?† …‘Â?’Ž‡–‡Ž› Â?†‹ƒÂ?ÇŤ My  father  sat  down  at  the  head  of  the  table.  The  salt  and    pepper  shakers  in  front  of  him  mocked  his  head  full  of  black  and  white  hair.  He  called  me  over  with  a  wave  of  his   What  you  must  understand  about  my  family  is  that  we  speak  in  landmarks.  That  means  if  an  older  woman  un-­â€?calloused  hand.  He  pointed  to  the  stack  of  napkins  that  wants  to  touch  base  with  you  and  you  are  ten  years  old,  she  was  clearly  within  reach.  He  didn’t  utter  a  word,  but  I  heard  will  ask  about  school  because  it  is  the  only  obvious  common  Š‹Â? Ž‘—† ƒÂ?† Â…ÂŽÂ‡ÂƒÂ”ÇŁ Dz ƒÂ?† Â?‡ ƒ Â?ƒ’Â?‹Â?Ǥdz ‡ Ž‘‘Â?‡† ƒ– Â?‡ǥ waiting. ground  the  two  of  you  are  able  to  navigate.  If  you  are  15,  it   1)  Marriage will  be  about  high  school.  If  you  are  19,  what  you’re  major-­â€?  2)  Obedience ing  in.  If  you’re  25,  who  you’re  marrying.  But  if  you’re  21,   I  bit  my  tongue. there’s  a  bit  of  grey  area.  There  aren’t  set  guidelines  as  to  *  ™Šƒ– ›‘—ǯ”‡ Dz•—’’‘•‡†dz –‘ „‡ ĥÂ?‡† ƒ„‘—– Č‚ •‘ ’”‡––› Â?—…Š All  of  us  proceeded  to  dig  in.  Way  in.  After  a  anything  is  fair  game.  I  learned  that  in  search  of  these  unde-­â€?  cided  landmarks,  we  can  hit  a  few  landmines.  I  learned  that  –‡Â?ÇŚÂ?‹Â?—–‡ Ž‘˜‡ ÂƒĆĄÂƒÂ‹Â” ™‹–Š Â?› Â’ÂŽÂƒÂ–Â‡ÇĄ …ƒÂ?‡ —’ ˆ‘” ƒ‹”Ǥ Š‡ –ƒ„Ž‡ ™ƒ• …”ƒÂ?Â?‡† ™‹–Š Ć¤ÂˆÂ–Â‡Â‡Â? „”‘™Â? ÂˆÂƒÂ…Â‡Â•ÇĄ „—– ™ƒ• •–‹ŽŽ tough  lesson  this  year.  On  a  new,  old-­â€?fashioned  Thanksgiv-­â€? ƒ„Ž‡ –‘ •‹ˆ– –Š”‘—‰Š ƒÂ?† ƤÂ?† –Š‡ ˆ‘—” Â?‘•– ‹Â?’‘”–ƒÂ?– ‘Â?‡•Ǥ ing.

My  doe-­â€?eyed  mother  with  cheekbones  that  touched  her  *  bottom  lashes,  and  my  prim  and  proper  father,  who  had  a   Earlier  in  the  day,  I  had  tried  to  map  out  potential  ™ƒ”†”‘„‡ –Šƒ– ™ƒ• ™ƒ› •’‹Ƽ‡” –ŠƒÂ? Â?› ‘™Â?Ǥ › Â•Â’ÂƒÂ…Â‡Â›ÇĄ points  that  would  need  to  be  addressed.  Probably  college,  Dz‹Â?nj„‡–™‡‡Â? ÂŒÂ‘Â„Â•Çł „”‘–Š‡” ƒ› ™Š‘ …ƒÂ?‡ ‹Â? ˆ”‘Â? ‡™ ‘”Â?ÇĄ maybe  jobs,  and  given  the  most  recent  email  in  my  Inbox,  ƒÂ?† Â?› ’‘™‡”ˆ—Ž •‹•–‡” ƒƒ›ƒ ™Š‘ ƪ‡™ ‹Â? ˆ”‘Â? ‘Â?†‘Â?ÇĄ †‡ƤÂ?‹–‡Ž› ”‹Â?…‡ Šƒ”Â?‹Â?‰Ǥ Â”Â‡ÇŚÂ”Â‡ÂƒÂ† ‹– ‹Â? Â?› Š‡ƒ†Ǥ accompanied  by  her  pot-­â€?bellied  pumpkin  of  a  daughter,  Deepa.  Another  upturned  mouth.  Another  bit  of  drool.

Dear  Aria,  As  Jay  poured  the  wine,  all  eyes  shot  to  me.  I  •Š‘—Ž† Šƒ˜‡ …‘Â?‡ Â’Â”Â‡Â’ÂƒÂ”Â‡Â†ÇĄ ™‹–Š Dz

Çł ™”‹––‡Â? ‡›Ǩ Š‹• ‹• ƒ Ž‹––Ž‡ ĪÂ?Â™ÂƒÂ”Â†ÇĄ „—– ›‘—” ˆƒÂ?‹Ž› •‡Â?– Â?‡ ›‘—” ‹Â?ˆ‘”Â?ƒ–‹‘Â? ƒ …‘—’Ž‡ ‘ˆ †ƒ›• ÂƒÂ‰Â‘ÇĄ ƒŽ‘Â?‰ ™‹–Š ƒ •™‡‡– ’‹…Ǩ ‘— ƒ…”‘•• Â?› ˆ‘”‡Š‡ƒ†Ǥ ™ƒ• ƒ ’‡”ˆ‡…–Ž› ˆ”ƒ‰‹Ž‡ ƪ‘™‡” –Šƒ– –Š‡ •‡‡Â? Ž‹Â?‡ ƒ ”‡ƒŽŽ› …‘‘Ž ‰‹”Ž ƒÂ?† ǯ† Ž‘˜‡ –‘ ‰‡– –‘ Â?Â?‘™ ›‘— „‡–-­â€? †‡˜‹Ž Šƒ† –ƒ‹Â?–‡† ™‹–Š ƒŽ…‘Š‘Ž ƒ– –Š‡ „—††‹Â?‰ ƒ‰‡ ‘ˆ Dz͚͙dzǤ –‡”Ǥ ”‡ƒŽ‹œ‡ ‹–ǯ• ƒ „‹– ĪÂ?Â™ÂƒÂ”Â†ÇĄ —• „‡‹Â?‰ ˆƒÂ?‹Ž› ˆ”‹‡Â?†• ƒÂ?† ÂƒÂŽÂŽÇĄ ‡ˆ‘”‡ …‘—Ž† Â?ƒÂ?ƒ‰‡ ƒ Ƥ”•– •‹’ ‘ˆ –Š‡ ’‹Â?Â? Â‘Â•Â…ÂƒÂ–Â‘ÇĄ ƒƒ›ƒ …Š‹Â?‡† ‹Â? ™‹–Š Ƥš‡† „”‘™Â? ‡›‡•Ǥ „—– ‹– …‘—Ž† ƒŽ•‘ „‡ Â?‹Â?† ‘ˆ ƒÂ?ƒœ‹Â?‰Ǎ ÂƒÂŠÂƒÇĄ ™‡ŽŽ Ž‡– Â?‡ Â?Â?‘™

Dz ”‹ƒǤ ‘— Â?Â?‘™ ›‘—ǯ”‡ †”‹˜‹Â?‰ Š‘Â?‡ ”‹‰Š–Ǎdz ‹ˆ ›‘— ™ƒÂ?– –‘ Â?‡‡– —’ •‘Â?‡–‹Â?‡ǥ ˆ‘” ƒ †ƒ–‡Ǥ Phrased  like  a  question,  delivered  like  a  statement.  Con-­â€? fused,  I  looked  around  at  the  rest  of  my  family.  An  army  of  ƒ’’› ŠƒÂ?Â?•‰‹˜‹Â?‰Ǩ •–‡ƒ†› Â‰ÂƒÂœÂ‡Â•ÇĄ •‹Ž‡Â?–Ž› †‡ˆ‡Â?†‹Â?‰ ÂƒÂƒÂ›ÂƒÇŻÂ• Dz”‡“—‡•–Ǥdz Š‡› Shiven were  all  a  minimum  of  10  years  older.  Only  the  guys  held  wine  in  their  glasses.  I  knew  this  was  only  the  start  of  many  awkward   1)  Marriage  emails  I  was  bound  to  receive.  An  arranged  marriage  was   2)  Obedience Â?‘Â?ÇŚÂ?‡‰‘–‹ƒ„Ž‡ ˆ‘” Â?‡ǥ •‘ Â?‘–Š‹Â?‰ ™ƒ• ‡˜‡” Ç˛ÂŒÂ—Â•Â– ƒ Â†ÂƒÂ–Â‡Ç¤Çł

3)  Sobriety began  a  list  of  these  mandatory  items  that  were  required  of    I  bit  my  tongue. my  future  self.   Saaya  started  the  discussion  in  a  voice  that   1)  Marriage boomed  across  the  6-­â€?foot  long  table,  reaching  my  brother  Š‹• ‹• ”‹†‹…—Ž‘—•ǥ Šƒ˜‡Â?ǯ– ‡˜‡Â? ‰”ƒ†—ƒ–‡† ›‡–Ǥ •Š‘‘Â? ‘ƥ seated  on  the  other  side. the  heebie-­â€?jeebies,  and  walked  into  my  cousin’s  living Â

Dz ÂƒÂ›ÇĄ –Š‹Â?Â? Â‡Â‡Â’ÂƒÇŻÂ• ƤÂ?ƒŽŽ› ™ƒ”Â?‹Â?‰ —’ –‘ ›‘—Ǩdz room.  My  family  and  I  gathered  around  a  worn  mahogany  Š‡ ˆƒ– ‹Â?ˆƒÂ?– ™ƒ• ĆŞÂƒÂ•ÂŠÂ‹Â?‰ Š‹Â? ƒ –‘‘–ŠŽ‡•• ‰”‹Â?Ǥ

Dz ÂƒÂŠÇĄ •Š‡ ˆ‘”‰‹˜‡• Â?‡ ˆ‘” ‰‹˜‹Â?‰ Š‡” –Š‡ ™”‘Â?‰ •‹’-­â€? table,  in  typical  turkey-­â€?day  style.  With  the  feast  laid  out  in  ’‹‡ …—’ –Š‹• Â?‘”Â?‹Â?‰Ǥdz front  of  me,  I  lazily  let  a  little  drool  slip  from  the  corner  of Â

Â?—•– Šƒ˜‡ Â?‹••‡† •‘Â?‡–Š‹Â?‰Ǥ Dz ”‘Â?‰ ‘Â?‡Ǎ ‘Â?ǯ– Â?› —’–—”Â?‡† Â?‘—–ŠǤ —„‡† ’‘–ƒ–‘‡• …‘˜‡”‡† ‹Â? •’‹…› ƪ‡…Â?• of  red  and  black,  burnt  enchiladas  oozing  with  cheese,  juicy  ›‘— Šƒ˜‡ –Š‡ •ƒÂ?‡ •‹’’‹‡ …—’ ‹Â? Ž‹Â?‡ •‹š †‹ƥ‡”‡Â?– …‘Ž‘”•Ǎdz

No  Thanks(giving) Avani  Patel

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Cars Alex  Chan Photography

ƒƒ›ƒ •Š‘‘Â? Š‡” ’‡”ˆ‡…–Ž› ’Žƒ…‡† Šƒ‹”Ǥ Dz Š‡ „Ž—‡ ‘Â?‡ ‹• ™ƒ•Š‡† ™‹–Š ƒŽÂ?‘Ž‹˜‡ ˆ‘” „ƒ„‹‡• Č‚ Â–ÂŠÂƒÂ–ÇŻÂ• ˆ‘” ™ƒ–‡”Ǥ Š‡ ’‹Â?Â? ‘Â?‡ ‹• ™ƒ•Š‡† ™‹–Š ‘˜‡ ˆ‘” „ƒ„‹‡• Č‚ Â–ÂŠÂƒÂ–ÇŻÂ• ˆ‘” milk.  The  yellow  one  is  washed  with  Softsoap  for  babies  ǤȂ Â–ÂŠÂƒÂ–ÇŻÂ• ˆ‘” Œ—‹…‡Ǥ ƒ› ‹• •—…Š ƒ Â?—– Č‚ Š‡ ’—– Œ—‹…‡ ‹Â?•‹†‡ –Š‡ „Ž—‡ •‹’’‹‡ …—’Ǩdz Š‡ Â?‡‡Ž‡† ‘˜‡” Žƒ—‰Š‹Â?‰Ǥ

Dz ÂŠÂƒÂ–ÇŻÂ• –Š‡ —•‡Ǎdz Â?› Â?‘–Š‡” …Š‹Â?‡† ‹Â?Ǥ Š‡ had  somehow  managed  to  keep  tabs  on  the  conversation  „‡–™‡‡Â? ”‡njƤŽŽ‹Â?‰ ’Žƒ–‡• ™‹–Š ÂˆÂ‘Â‘Â†ÇĄ ƒÂ?† ‰Žƒ••‡• ™‹–Š ™‹Â?‡Ǥ Š‡ ƒÂ?† –Š‡ ‘–Š‡” ™‘Â?‡Â? ™‡”‡ ˆ‘”…‡• ‘ˆ Â?ƒ–—”‡ Č‚ †‘‹Â?‰ ƒ‰-­â€? gressive  diligence  to  their  unspoken  roles  of  hostesses.

› –Š‹…Â? ‡›‡„”‘™• —Â?•…”—Â?…Š‡†Ǥ Dz Š –ŠƒÂ?Â? ‰‘†Ǥ

–Š‘—‰Š– ™ƒ• –Š‡ ‘Â?Ž› ‘Â?‡ ™Š‘ †‹†Â?ǯ– ‰‡– ‹–Ǥdz  Ma  …‘Â?–‹Â?—‡†ǥ Dz ˆ …‘—”•‡ ‹–ǯ• ƒŽŽ —•‡Ž‡••Ǥ ‘— •’‡Â?† all  this  time  making  sure  your  kids  don’t  put  any  bad  chemi-­â€? cals  into  their  bodies.  You  use  certain  soaps,  detergents,  bath  washes.  You  feed  them  all  organic  food.  You  limit  their  candy  and  make  them  run  around  to  play.  You  do  everything  for  them,  and  when  they’re  older,  they’re  just  going  to  eat  ƒÂ?† ǤǤǤ †”‹Â?Â? …”ƒ’’› •–—ƥ ƒÂ?Â›Â™ÂƒÂ›Ç¤Çł Š‡ •–‘’’‡† Â?‹†nj•…‘‘’ to  glare  at  my  glass.  The  rosy  pink  slipped  away  from  the  Moscato,  through  the  tense  air,  and  into  my  face.

ƒƒ›ƒ ‹”‘Â?‹…ƒŽŽ› …ƒÂ?‡ –‘ Â?› ”‡•…—‡Ǥ DzMa,  don’t  be  ƒ™Â?™ƒ”†Ǥ Š‡ǯ• ͚͙ǥ ‹–ǯ• ‘Â?ƒ› Â?‘™Ǥdz Â

• ‹–Ǎ Šƒ– •‡‡Â?• †‹ƥ‡”‡Â?– ˆ”‘Â? –Š‡ †‡•‹‰Â?ƒ–‡† †”‹˜‡”

 ”‡�ƒ”�Ǥ

Š‡ …‘Â?–‹Â?—‡†ǥ Dz Â”Â‹ÂƒÇĄ Â™ÂŠÂƒÂ–ÇŻÂ• —’ ™‹–Š ›‘—Ǎ ÂŠÂƒÂ–ÇŻÂ• –Š‡ ’ŽƒÂ?ÇŤÇł ƒƒ›ƒ Šƒ† Â?‘™ Œ‘‹Â?‡† –Š‡ ˆ‡Â?ƒŽ‡ –‘”Â?ƒ†‘Ǥ Š‡ had   fattie  in  one  arm,  and  served  heaps  of  potatoes  with  the  other.  The  men  sipped  on  their  guilt-­â€?free  wine.

Dz Šƒ– †‘ ›‘— Â?‡ƒÂ?ÇŤÇł Â•ÂƒÂ‹Â†ÇĄ •Ž‹‰Š–Ž› ‡Â?„ƒ””ƒ••‡† that  I  still  had  to  feign  confusion  and  play  this  game.

Dz ‘— Â?Â?‘™ǥ ƒˆ–‡” ‰”ƒ†—ƒ–‹‘Â?Ǥ ‘— ‘Â?Ž› Šƒ˜‡ ƒ …‘—’Ž‡ ‘ˆ Â?‘Â?–Š• ÂŽÂ‡ÂˆÂ–Ç¤Çł  I  stabbed  the  kebab  with  my  fork  a  little  too  hard,  sending  it,  and  the  tips  of  my  fork,  across  the  ceramic  plate.

Dz ÇŻÂ? Â?‘– ‡šƒ…–Ž› •—”‡Ǥdz • ƒ †‡•’‡”ƒ–‡ ƒ––‡Â?’– –‘ …ŠƒÂ?‰‡ –Š‡ Â•Â—Â„ÂŒÂ‡Â…Â–ÇĄ Dz ÂƒÂ†ÇĄ …ƒÂ? ›‘— ’ƒ•• –Š‡ •ƒŽ– Â’ÂŽÂ‡ÂƒÂ•Â‡ÇŤÇł  He  looked  at  me  with  a  bewilderment  that  signaled  I  should  know  better.  He  chuckled,  shook  his  head,  and  ’ƒ••‡† –Š‡ •ƒŽ–Ǥ › –”‡Â?„Ž‹Â?‰ ƤÂ?‰‡”• ‰”‹’’‡† –Š‡ •ŠƒÂ?‡”Ǥ Šƒ– ™ƒ• –Š‹Â?Â?‹Â?‰Ǎ

ƒƒ›ƒ …‘Â?–‹Â?—‡†ǥ Dz ‡ŽŽǥ –‘Ž† ›‘— …ƒÂ? –ƒŽÂ? –‘ ‘Â?ƒ ˆ‘” •–—ƥ ‘” —’ƒ ˆ‘” ƒ”Â?‡–‹Â?‰Ǥ Šƒ– †‘ ›‘— Â’Â”Â‡ÂˆÂ‡Â”ÇŤ Š‹…Š ‘Â?‡ •‘—Â?†• „‡––‡”Ǎ ‘” ƒ”Â?‡–‹Â?‰Ǎdz  Food  grumbled  inside  of  me.  I  started  a  staring  …‘Â?–‡•– ™‹–Š Â?› Â?‡„ƒ„Ǥ Dz ÇŻÂ? Â?‘– •—”‡ ‡‹–Š‡” ‘Â?‡ ƒ’’‡ƒŽ• –‘ Â?‡ ƒÂ?›Â?‘”‡ǤǤǤdz

‘™ Š‡” –Š‹…Â? ‡›‡„”‘™• •…”—Â?…Š‡†Ǥ Dz Š ‰‘†Ǥ ‡ŽŽ ›‘— Šƒ˜‡ –‹Â?‡Ǥ ™ƒ• –Š‡ Žƒ•– ‘Â?‡ –‘ ƤÂ?† ƒ Œ‘„ ‘—– ‘ˆ ƒŽŽ Â?› 11

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friends.  I  didn’t  get  one  until  December.  Can  you  believe Â Â–ÂŠÂƒÂ–ÇŤÇł ‹ˆ–‡‡Â? ’ƒ‹”• ‘ˆ ‡›‡• ™‹†‡Â?‡† ‹Â? †‹•„‡Ž‹‡ˆǤ ”‘Â? –Š‡ corner  of  my  own,  I  spotted  the  wall  calendar.  A  daunting  red  circle  around  the  22nd  day  of  November.

Dz Šƒ–‡˜‡” ›‘— †‘ǥ †‘Â?ǯ– „‡…‘Â?‡ ƒ †‘…–‘”Ǥ Šƒ– ƒ ™ƒ•–‡Ǩ ‘— ‰‘ –Š”‘—‰Š ƒŽŽ –Šƒ– •…Š‘‘Ž‹Â?‰ǥ –Š‡Â? „› –Š‡ –‹Â?‡ you’re  out,  you  want  to  be  married  and  have  kids,  but  then  you’re  in  this  weird  place.  You  don’t  want  to  walk  away  from  –Š‡ •…Š‘‘Ž‹Â?‰ǥ •‘ ›‘— ’—– ‘ƥ …Š‹Ž†”‡Â?Ǥ —– ™Š‡Â? ›‘— ƤÂ?ƒŽŽ› do  have  your  children,  you  have  to  walk  away  from  them  to  get  back  to  the  career.  Thank  god  I’m  at  Prudential.  I  would  Â?‡˜‡” ™ƒÂ?– –‘ Ž‡ƒ˜‡ Â?› Ž‹––Ž‡ ’”‹Â?…‡•• „‡Š‹Â?†Ǩdz ÂƒÂƒÂ›ÂƒÇŻÂ• ˆƒ…‡ was  smushed  into  Deepa’s  potbelly.  Fattie  laughed.  1)  Marriage  2)  Obedience   3)  Sobriety   4)  Kids  —– ‹ˆ ƒ Š—•„ƒÂ?† ‹• Â?Â‡Â…Â‡Â•Â•ÂƒÂ”Â›ÇĄ ™Š› ‹•Â?ǯ– Š‡ ‹Â? –Š‡ ’‹…–—”‡ ƒƒ›ƒ Œ—•– ’ƒ‹Â?–‡†Ǎ  I  bit  my  tongue. Â

ÂƒÂ›ÇŻÂ• †‹•–ƒÂ?– ‡›‡• ƤÂ?ƒŽŽ› •Š‘– „ƒ…Â? –‘ ƒ”–ŠǤ Dz Šƒ– Šƒ’’‡Â?‡† –‘ Žƒ™ •…Š‘‘ŽǍ •Â?ǯ– –Šƒ– ƒ –Š‹Â?‰Ǎdz

Dz ‘– ”‹‰Š– Â?‘™ǥ ƒ– ÂŽÂ‡ÂƒÂ•Â–Ç¤Çł › •Š‹ˆ–› ‡›‡• †ƒ”–‡† from  face  to  face,  but  the  only  reaction  I  got  was  from  Deepa.  Another  goofy,  toothless  grin.

Dz ƒŽÂ? †‘™Â?ÇĄÇł ƒ› •ƒ†Ǥ Dz Š‹• ‹• •—’’‘•‡† –‘ „‡ †‹•-­â€? cussion,  not  discomfort.  Seriously  though,  I’m  just  asking.  ‘…‹‘Ž‘‰›ǤǤǤ™Šƒ– †‘ ’‡‘’Ž‡ —•—ƒŽŽ› †‘ ™‹–Š Â–ÂŠÂƒÂ–ÇŤ ‹Â?‡ǥ Š‘™ †‘ ›‘— ‡˜‡Â? Â?ƒ”Â?‡– ›‘—”•‡Žˆ –‘ ‡Â?’Ž‘›‡”•Ǎ ‰—‡•• Œ—•– †‘Â?ǯ– ‰‡– ‹–Ǥ Â?‡ƒÂ? –Š‹Â?‰• ƒ”‡ †‹ƥ‡”‡Â?– Â?‘™ǥ –Š‹• ‰‡Â?‡”ƒ–‹‘Â? ‹• †‹ƥ‡”‡Â?–Ǥ —– „ƒ…Â? ™Š‡Â? ™ƒ• ‹Â? •…Š‘‘Žǥ …ƒ”‡† –‘‘ Â?—…Š about  mom  and  dad  forking  out  all  this  money  to  screw  around.  I  mean,  I  would  love  to  have  a  chill  major  like  sociol-­â€? ogy,  but  I  would  feel  so  guilty  doing  that  to  them.  That’s  ™Š› …Š‘•‡ „—•‹Â?‡••Ǥdz  I  stared  at  my  guilt-­â€?ridden  Moscato.  I  shuddered  at  –Š‡ –Š‘—‰Š– ‘ˆ Â?› …Š‹ŽŽ Â?ƒŒ‘”Ǥ › ’‹Â?Â? ƪ—•Š –—”Â?‡† ”‡†Ǥ › mind  sifted  through  the  folders  and  subfolders  of  generic  ƒÂ?•™‡”• —•‡† –‘ ÂŠÂƒÂŽÂˆÇŚÂŠÂ‡ÂƒÂ”Â–Â‡Â†ÂŽÂ› †‹•Š ‘—–Ǥ Dz ”‘„ƒ„Ž› Žƒ™ •…Š‘‘Žǥ Â?ƒ›„‡ ‰”ƒ† •…Š‘‘Žǥ •‘Â?‡–Š‹Â?‰ ‹Â? ‘” ƒ”Â?‡–‹Â?‰Ǎdz These  answers  had  failed.  I  knew  they  weren’t  the  Truth.  1)  Marriage   2)  Obedience   3)  Sobriety   4)  Kids

Í?ČŒ Dz™‘”–Š›dz Œ‘„ „‹– Â?› –‘Â?‰—‡Ǥ I  bit  my  tongue. *  One  month  earlier  I  had  walked  into  room  206  with  the  ‰‘Ž† Ž‡––‡”• Dz ”‘ˆ‡••‘” ‘ŽƒÂ?–‘dz ‘Â? –Š‡ „Žƒ…Â? †‘‘”Ǥ •‹Ž‡Â?–Ž› cursed  myself  for  still  getting  sweaty  palms  after  4  years  of

ƒ––‡Â?†‹Â?‰ ‘Ƽ…‡ Š‘—”•Ǥ Š‡ ™ƒ• ‹Â?–‹Â?‹†ƒ–‹Â?‰ǥ ›‡•ǥ „—– ‹Â? ƒ way  that  draws  you  in.  As  if  any  interaction  with  her  could  ’‘–‡Â?–‹ƒŽŽ› ”‡•—Ž– ‹Â? ƒ „‹– ‘ˆ Š‡” …‘Â?Ƥ†‡Â?…‡ ”—„„‹Â?‰ ‘ƥ‘Â?–‘ your  skin.  She  had  an  unmoving,  brown-­â€?eyed  gaze  that  was  unlike  the  ones  I  was  familiar  with  back  home.  Hers  was  focused,  but  not  narrow.  Her  soft  black  hair  was  cut  in  a  bob  that  ironically  framed  her  pointed,  yet  stunning  features.  It ʪĥ Ž‹Â?‡ Š‡” ‡Â?–‹”‡ ‡š‹•–‡Â?…‡ ™ƒ• ‡ƥ‘”–Ž‡•• ’‡”ˆ‡…–‹‘Â?Ǣ ‡ˆ-­â€? fortless  because  she  had  better  things  to  worry  about,  and  perfect  for  this  very  fact.  Miraculously  noticing  my  puny  existence,  she  spoke.

Dz ‡› ”‹ƒǨ ‹‰Š– ‘Â? –‹Â?‡Ǥ Šƒ– …ƒÂ? †‘ ˆ‘” ›‘—Ǎdz  I  sat  down,  hoping  my  palms  wouldn’t  leave  a  Â?‘‹•–—”‡ Â?ƒ”Â? ‘Â? –Š‡ ™‘‘†‡Â? ƒ”Â?”‡•–•Ǥ Dz ‡›ǥ Â?Â?‘™ ‹–ǯ• a  little  late  in  the  semester,  but...Ijustwantedtotalktoyou.  „‘—– ›‘—” …Žƒ•• ƒÂ?† Ž‹Â?‡ǤǤǤ’‡‘’Ž‡ǤǤǤƒÂ?† •–—ƥǤdz

‡–ǯ• –”› –Šƒ– ƒ‰ƒ‹Â?Ǥ

Dz ‘””›ǥ Â?‡ƒÂ? Ž‹Â?‡ǥ –Š‡ …Žƒ•• Â?ÂƒÂ–Â‡Â”Â‹ÂƒÂŽÇĄ ‰—‡••Ǥdz ˆ her  power  was  …‘Â?Â–ÂƒÂ‰Â‹Â‘Â—Â•ÇĄ ‹– †‡ƤÂ?‹–‡Ž› ™‘—Ž† Šƒ˜‡ ”‹…‘-­â€? …Š‡–‡† ‘ƥ ‘ˆ Â?› •’ƒ•–‹… •Â?‹Â?Ǥ

Dz ÇŻÂ? Â?‘– •—”‡ —Â?†‡”•–ƒÂ?†Ǥ • –Š‹• ƒ„‘—– ›‘—” –‡•– Â‰Â”ÂƒÂ†Â‡ÇŤÇł Š‡ ”‡ƒ…Š‡† –‘™ƒ”†• Š‡” …‘Ž‘”nj …‘†‡† ƤŽ‡ …ƒ„‹Â?‡–Ǥ

Dz ‘ǥ Â?‘Ǩdz Ž‡ƒÂ?‡† ‘˜‡” –‘ ’—ŽŽ –Š‡ „‘‘Â? ‘—– ‘ˆ Â?› backpack,  and  placed  it  on  my  lap.  Though  my  skin  turned  –‘ Â”ÂƒÂ‹ÂŽÂŽÂ‡ÇĄ …‘—Ž† …Ž‡ƒ”Ž› ”‡ƒ† –Š‡ ™‘”†• ‘Â? –Š‡ …‘˜‡”Ǥ Dz Š‡ ‹•‡ ‘ˆ Â?Ž‹‰Š–‡Â?‡† ‡š‹•Â?Ǥdz ‡” ’—’‹Ž• „‘”‡ ‹Â?–‘ –Š‡ –‘’ ‘ˆ Â?› Š‡ƒ†Ǥ Šƒ† –‘ •’‡ƒÂ?Ǥ Dz Â?ƒ›Ǥ –ǯ• Œ—•– –Š‹• „‘‘Â? ›‘— ĥ-­â€? •‹‰Â?‡† –‘ —•ǤǤǤdz ’Žƒ…‡† ‹– ‘Â? –Š‡ –ƒ„Ž‡Ǥ

‘” –Š‡ Ƥ”•– –‹Â?‡ǥ ‘—” „‹‰ „”‘™Â? ‡›‡• Â?‡–Ǥ Š‡ •‡‡Â?‡† …‘Â?…‡”Â?‡†ǥ ƒÂ?† –Š‡ ˆ‡‡Ž‹Â?‰ ™ƒ• Â?—–—ƒŽǤ Dz Â”Â‹ÂƒÇĄ –‡ŽŽ Â?‡ Â™ÂŠÂƒÂ–ÇŻÂ• ‰‘‹Â?‰ ‘Â?Ǥdz

”—„„‡† –Š‡ •™‡ƒ– –‘‰‡–Š‡”Ǥ Dz †‘Â?ǯ– Â?Â?‘™ Š‘™ else  to  say  this,  but  your  class  is  kind  of  screwing  with  Â?› „”ƒ‹Â?Ǥdz Â’ÂƒÂ—Â•Â‡Â†ÇĄ „—– •Š‡ †‹†Â?ǯ– ƪ‹Â?…ŠǤ Dz ÇŻÂ? Œ—•– ‹Â? –Š‹• really  weird  place  where  I  hate  people.  It’s  like,  they  say  something,  and  I’m  like  ‘I  hate  you.’  But  it’s  not  your  fault,  because  you  have  no  idea  why  what  you  said  makes  you  a  terrible  human  being.  So  it’s  not  actually  fair,  but  I  hate  you  ƒÂ?Â›Â™ÂƒÂ›Ç¤Çł  Her  pointed  features  burst  into  laugher,  with  some  empathy  rounding  out  the  sound.  Wiping  the  tears  from  her  ‡›‡•ǥ •Š‡ Â•ÂƒÂ‹Â†ÇĄ Dz Šƒ– ‹• ÂŠÂ‹ÂŽÂƒÂ”Â‹Â‘Â—Â•ÇĄ ƒÂ?† Â?Â?‘™ ‡šƒ…–Ž› ™Šƒ– ›‘—ǯ”‡ –ƒŽÂ?‹Â?‰ ÂƒÂ„Â‘Â—Â–Ç¤Çł  Still  nervous  she  was  going  to  kick  me  out  of  her  ‘Ƽ…‡ǥ “—‹…Â?Ž› …Ž‘•‡† Â?› ‰ƒ’‹Â?‰ Â?‘—–ŠǤ Dz ‘ ›‘— ™‡”‡ ƒŽ•‘ once  convinced  that  you  could  only  date  a  man  who’s  like,  a  women’s  studies  major,  because  otherwise  he  just  wouldn’t  ‰‡– ‹–Ǎdz  She  shook  the  wisps  of  black  hair  away  from  her  forehead  as  she  looked  up  at  the  ceiling,  lingering  in  its  ”‹‰Š– …‘”Â?‡”Ǥ Ž‘™Ž›ǥ Dz Â‡ÂƒÂŠÇĄ ™‡Â?– –Š”‘—‰Š –Šƒ– ’Šƒ•‡ ‹Â?

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…‘ŽŽ‡‰‡Ǥdz  My  stomach  unclenched.  There  was  a  glimpse  of  somebody  who  maybe,  just  maybe,  started  her  journey  just  much  to  just  forget  about  completely.  You  eventually  a  little  „‹– Ž‹Â?‡ Â?‡Ǥ ™‡Â?– ‘Â?ÇĄ Dz †‘Â?ǯ– ‰‡– ‹–Ǥ Œ—•– ˆ‡‡Ž Ž‹Â?‡ –Š‡ Â?‘”‡ I  learn,  the  more  depressed  I  become.  It’s  come  to  the  point  where  I’m  morally  opposed  to  everything  in  my  closet,  want  to  burn  all  magazine  stands,  and  I  want  to  partake  in  Movember.  And  as  a  hairy  Indian  girl,  that  just  wouldn’t  be  …—–‡Ǥdz

„”‡‡œ‡ …”‡’– ‹Â?–‘ –Š‡ ‘Ƽ…‡ ƒÂ?† •‡Â?– –Š‡ ™‹•’• back  onto  her  porcelain  face,  but  her  voice  remained  steady  ƒÂ?† …‘Â?’‘•‡†Ǥ Dz ‹•–‡Â? Č‚ ›‘—ǯ”‡ Â?‘– Â…Â”ÂƒÂœÂ›ÇĄ ƒÂ?† ›‘—ǯ”‡ Â?‘– alone.  Sociology  changes  the  way  you  look  at  the  world.  It  gets  under  your  skin  because  you  use  what  you  learn  every  second  of  the  day.  Society  is  something  you  interact  with  too  will  either  learn  to  phase  it  out  and  go  back  to  a  ‘learned’  normal  where  you  acknowledge  the  fault  in  your  lifestyle,  or  you  take  it  deeper  and  make  changes.  And  yes,  –Šƒ– …ƒÂ? ‹Â?…Ž—†‡ ‘˜‡Â?„‡” ‹ˆ ›‘— •‘ …Š‘‘•‡Ǥdz  Her  brown  eyes  stood  like  gleaming  islands  in  a  structured  white  sea.  They  exuded  a  strength  I  was  almost  afraid  to  obtain.  She  was  so  sure.  She  was  a  sociology  pro-­â€? fessor  and  still  so  sure.

Dz Œ—•–ǤǤǤ…‘Â?‹Â?‰ ‹Â? –‘ –Š‹• …Žƒ••ǤǤǤǎ ‡†‹ƒ ƒÂ?† ‘…‹‡–›ǯ sounded  so  nonthreatening...I  just  had  no  idea  this  is  what  ‹– ™ƒ• ÂƒÂ„Â‘Â—Â–Ç¤Çł ”‡•–‡† Â?› ’ƒŽÂ?• ‘Â? –Š‡ „‘‘Â? Â…Â‘Â˜Â‡Â”ÇĄ …‡”–ƒ‹Â?-­â€? –Š‡› ™‘—Ž† Ž‡ƒ˜‡ Ć¤Â˜Â‡ÇŚĆ¤Â?‰‡”‡† ’—††Ž‡•Ǥ

Dz –ǯ• ’”‡––› •…ƒ”› •–—ƥǤdz Š‡ ’—– ƒ …‘‘Žǥ †‡Ž‹…ƒ–‡

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ŠƒÂ?† ‘Â? –‘’ ‘ˆ Â?‹Â?‡Ǥ Dz —– –Šƒ– ˆ‡ƒ” ‹• ‡šƒ…–Ž› ™Š› Šƒ† –‘ Œ—Â?Â’ ‹Â?–‘ ‹–Ǥ Â?† Šƒ˜‡Â?ǯ– Ž‘‘Â?‡† „ƒ…Â? •‹Â?…‡Ǥdz  Finally  calm,  I  felt  something  peel  away  from  her  skin,  and  sear  into  mine.  Saaya  saved  me  once  again,  shifting  the  hot  seat  –‘ ƒ›Ǥ Dz ‡ƒ˜‡ ”‹ƒ ƒŽ‘Â?‡ǥ •Š‡ǯŽŽ Ƥ‰—”‡ ‘—– ™Šƒ– •Š‡ ™ƒÂ?–• –‘ †‘Ǥ ‡ŽŽ Â?‡ ƒ„‘—– ›‘—ǥ ƒ›Ǥ ‘™ǯ• Â?Â–ÂƒÇŤ Šƒ– ‹• •Š‡ †‘‹Â?‰ ˆ‘” ŠƒÂ?Â?•‰‹˜‹Â?‰Ǎdz

ƒ› •Â?‹Ž‡† ‹Â?–‘ Š‹• ’‘–ƒ–‘‡• ƒÂ?† Â•ÂƒÂ‹Â†ÇĄ Dz Š‡ǯ• ‰‘‘†Ǥ She’s  going  home.  I  haven’t  talked  to  her  in  a  day  or  two  but Â

ÇŻÂ? ‰‘‹Â?‰ –‘ …ƒŽŽ ÂŽÂƒÂ–Â‡Â”Ç¤Çł  My  mother’s  pulled  back  ponytail  could  not  pull  in  her  pride.  She  was  now  smiling  into  her  enchiladas,  prob-­â€? ably  sifting  through  wedding  venues  in  her  mind’s  eye.  Her  ‡›‡Žƒ•Š‡• ƪ‹…Â?‡† —’ ƒÂ?† •Š‡ …Š‹Â?‡† ‹Â?ÇĄ Dz ‘™ Ž‘Â?‰ Šƒ• ‹– „‡‡Â? •‹Â?…‡ ›‘— •–ƒ”–‡† †ƒ–‹Â?‰Ǎdz

Dz „‘—– ƒ Â›Â‡ÂƒÂ”Ç¤Çł

ˆ‡Ž– –Š‡ Ć¤ÂˆÂ–Â‡Â‡Â? „‘†‹‡• ƒ”‘—Â?† Â?‡ ƤŽŽ ™‹–Š ƒ •—•-­â€? –‡Â?ƒÂ?…‡ Â?‘”‡ •ƒ–‹•ˆ›‹Â?‰ –ŠƒÂ? ˆ‘‘†Ǥ Dz ÇŻÂ? •‘ ‰Žƒ† ›‘— ˆ‘—Â?† Š‡”ǥdz ƒƒ›ƒ „”‡ƒ–Š‡†Ǥ

ÂŽÂŽ ‡›‡• ‘Â? Â?‡ ƒ‰ƒ‹Â?Ǥ › Â?‘–Š‡” •’‘Â?‡ǥ Dz Â?† ›‘—ǥ Â”Â‹ÂƒÇŤ ƒ˜‡ ›‘— Š‡ƒ”† „ƒ…Â? ˆ”‘Â? Š‹˜‡Â? ›‡–Ǎdz  ‡Â?ÇĄ ‘˜‡Â?„‡”ǥ ‡†‹ƒǤ —…Â?Ǥ I  remembered  the  ‹Â?’‡”ˆ‡…–Ž› •™‡‡– ‡Â?ƒ‹ŽǤ ÂŽÂŽ …‘—Ž† Â?—•–‡” Â™ÂƒÂ•ÇĄ Dz ‘ǥ Â?‘– ›‡–Ǥdz  Their  sustenance  emptied.  Fattie  smiled.   My  stomach  grumbled. Â

 I  bit  my  tongue.  The  meal  was  over  and  we  helped  my  cousin  clear  the  table.  The  other  guests  had  left  happily,  the  women  jingling  car  keys  in  their  hands.  My  brother  and  father  went  straight  to  the  living  room,  carrying  on  with  the  wine  and  the  game.  Saaya’s  bloodshot  eyes  were  struggling  to  spot  the  dishes  that  needed  to  be  put  away.  My  mother’s  hand  moved  in  painfully  slow  circles  around  the  countertop  she  was  wiping  down.  I  knew  they  had  been  up  since  4  AM,  tak-­â€? ing  care  of  princess  pumpkin.  I  knew  they  made  breakfast  shortly  after,  then  lunch,  then  this  extravagant  meal.  I  knew  they  were  biting  their  tongues.  With  my  liquid  courage  bubbling  up  into  mercury  inside  of  me,  I  reached  108  degrees  and  marched  into  the  living  room.  I  had  followed  the  advice  I’d  been  fed  since  the  ƒ‰‡ ‘ˆ Ć¤Â˜Â‡ÇĄ …‘—”–‡•› ‘ˆ –Š‡ ƒ–‡Ž ˆƒÂ?‹Ž›Ǥ Dz ‹–‡ ›‘—” –‘Â?‰—‡Ǥdz I  bit  my  tongue.  Hard.  The  blood  tasted  cynically  sweet.  My  teeth  crunched  together  like  the  burnt  enchiladas  under-­â€? Â?‡ƒ–Š Â?› ”ƒ‰‹Â?‰ Â?Â?‹ˆ‡Ǥ – ™ƒ• –‹Â?‡ –‘ ™‹’‡ –Š‡ •™‡ƒ– ‘ƥ mypalms.  I  swallowed  with  intent  to  steady  my  trembling  voice  box.  I  looked  straight  at  my  brother  and  father.  I  came Â Â’Â”Â‡Â’ÂƒÂ”Â‡Â†ÇĄ Â?› ‘—–Ž‹Â?‡ ‰—‹†‹Â?‰ –Š‡ ™ƒ›Ǥ ÍšČŒ „‡†‹‡Â?…‡Ǥ Dz ÇŻÂ? Â?‘– ›‘—” •‡”˜ƒÂ?–ǥ ÇŻÂ? ƒ ’‡”•‘Â?Ǥdz

ƒ–Š‡” ƒÂ?† •‘Â? Ž‘‘Â?‡† ƒ– Â?‡Ǥ ƒ› Â•Â–ÂƒÂ”Â–Â‡Â†ÇĄ Dz Šƒ– –Š‡ Š‡ŽŽ ƒ”‡ ›‘— –ƒŽÂ?‹Â?‰ ÂƒÂ„Â‘Â—Â–ÇŤÇł  3)  ‘„”‹‡–›Ǥ Dz ÇŻÂ? ͚͙ ›‡ƒ”• ‘Ž†ǥ •Š‘—Ž†Â?ǯ– Šƒ˜‡ –Š‡ responsibility  of  driving  home  justbecause  ‘guys  wanna  †”‹Â?Â?ÇŻ ƒÂ?† Â–ÂŠÂƒÂ–ÇŻÂ• Â?‘”‡ ‹Â?’‘”–ƒÂ?– –ŠƒÂ? ƒÂ?›–Š‹Â?‰ ‡Ž•‡Ǥdz

› ˆƒ–Š‡” •’‘Â?‡ …ƒŽÂ?Ž›ǥ Dz ‘— Â?Â?‘™ Â™ÂŠÂƒÂ–ÇŤ ÇŻÂŽÂŽ †”‹˜‡ home.  I’ve  been  working  all  day  but  you’ve  had  a  really  hard  Â?‹‰Š– Č‚ ™‘””›‹Â?‰ ƒ„‘—– Â?‘–Š‹Â?‰ ƒÂ?† Â?‘ ‘Â?‡ „—– ›‘—”•‡ŽˆǤ

ÇŻÂ? •‘ –‡””‹„Ž› •‘””› –‘ Šƒ˜‡ „—”†‡Â?‡† ›‘— Ž‹Â?‡ Â–ÂŠÂƒÂ–Ç¤Çł ‡ smirked,  as  my  brother’s  laughter  egged  him  on.  I  was  los-­â€? ing  that  battle  fast,  so  I  moved  on.

Dz ‹Â?‡ǥ ˆ‘”‰‡– –Šƒ–Ǥ —– Š‘™ …‘Â?‡ ‡˜‡” •‹Â?…‡ ™ƒ• little,  I’ve  felt  pinching  obligation  to  help  out  in  the  kitchen,  „—– ƒ› †‘‡•Â?ǯ– ‡˜‡Â? Â?Â?‘™ ™Š‡”‡ –Š‡ ˆ‘”Â?• ‰‘Ǎdz

ƒ› ”‘ŽŽ‡† Š‹• ‡›‡•Ǥ Dz Ԡ ›‘—ǯ”‡ •—…Š ƒ Â„Â”ÂƒÂ–Ç¤Çł  I  was  failing  at  harnessing  the  lava  that  lined  my  ˜‘…ƒŽ …Š‘”†•Ǥ Dz –ǯ• Â?‘– ƒ„‘—– „‡‹Â?‰ ƒ „”ƒ–Ǩ –ǯ• ƒ„‘—– •‡š‹•Â?Ǩ ‹Â?‡ǥ †ƒ† ™‘”Â?•ǥ „—– ›‘—ǯ”‡ —Â?‡Â?’Ž‘›‡† Č‚ ™Šƒ– –Š‡ ˆ—…Â? ‹• ›‘—” ‡š…—•‡Ǎdz …”‹Â?‰‡† ƒ– –Š‡ nj™‘”†ǥ Š‡ƒ”‹Â?‰ ‹–• ”‹‰‘” –™‘ seconds  too  late.

ƒ› †‡Ž‹‰Š–‡†ǥ Dz – Ž‡ƒ•– Šƒ˜‡ ƒ †‡‰”‡‡ –Šƒ– …ƒÂ? ‰‡– Â?‡ ƒ ÂŒÂ‘Â„Ç¤Çł  The  air  was  quickly  escaping  my  lungs.  I  had  noth-­â€? ing  left  to  shield  myself  with  except  the  Truth.  The  horrifying  –”—–Š –Šƒ– Šƒ† „‡‡Â? Š‹†‹Â?‰ „‡Š‹Â?† –Š‘•‡ Ç˛ÂƒÂ?•™‡”•dz ˆ‘” –Š‡ ’ƒ•– ͚͙ ›‡ƒ”•Ǥ › ‡›‡• ƤŽŽ‡† ™‹–Š „—”Â?‹Â?‰ –‡ƒ”• –Šƒ– †‹†Â?ǯ– let  fall. Â ÍœČŒ ‹†•Ǥ Í?ČŒ Dz™‘”–Š›dz Œ‘„Ǥ Dz ÇŻÂ? Â?‘– ƒ ˆƒ•– –Š‹Â?Â?‡”

but  I’m  a  deep  one.  I  can’t  always  articulate  my  thoughts  but  I  know  they’re  worthwhile.  I  learned  how  to  analyze  and  I  learned  how  to  write  and  I  learned  how  to  make  an  argu-­â€? Â?‡Â?– –Šƒ– ‹• Â?‘”‡ –ŠƒÂ? Œ—•– ŽƒÂ?‰—ƒ‰‡ ’ƒ‹Â?–‡† „‡ƒ—–‹ˆ—ŽŽ› Č‚ ‹– has  substance.  I  don’t  have  a  degree  like  yours  but  I  don’t  care.  I  don’t  want  a  job  that  pays  $100,000  a  year  because  I  †‘Â?ǯ– Â?‡‡† ‹– „‡…ƒ—•‡ †‘Â?ǯ– ™ƒÂ?– Â?‹†•Ǥdz  The  two  of  them  paused.  They  had  been  looking  at  Â?‡ǥ „—– ˆ‘” –Š‡ Ƥ”•– –‹Â?‡ǥ –Š‡› Â?ƒ› Šƒ˜‡ ƒ…–—ƒŽŽ› •‡‡Â? Â?‡Ǥ › „”‘–Š‡” •Š‘‘Â? ‘ƥ –Š‡ •’ƒ”Â?Ž‡ ‹Â? Š‹• ‡›‡ ™‹–Šǥ Dz Šƒ–‡˜‡”Ǥ Š‘ †‘ ›‘— –Š‹Â?Â? ›‘— ÂƒÂ”Â‡ÇĄ Â?‹Ž› ‹…Â?‹Â?•‘Â?ÇŤÇł

”ƒÂ? ™‹–Š –Š‡ •’ƒ”Â?Ž‡ǥ ƒÂ?† …‘Â?–‹Â?—‡† ‘Â?Ǥ Dz ‘Ǥ

think  I’m  a  woman  not  a  sidekick,  I’m  a  drinker  not  a  drunk,  I’m  not  like  you.  But  I  know  things.  And  you  don’t  know  what  I  know,  and  maybe  employers  will  never  know  what  I  Â?Â?‘™ǥ „—– Œ—•– ‰‹˜‡ Â?‡ –‹Â?‡ –‘ Ƥ‰—”‡ ‹– ‘—–Ǥ ‹˜‡ Â?‡ –‹Â?‡ –‘ prove  to  you  that  my  study  is  not  useless.  Give  me  time  to  ’”‘˜‡ –‘ Â?›•‡Žˆ ÇŚ –ǯ• Â?‘– ‹–ǯ• Â?‘– ‹–ǯ• Â?‘–Ǩ ÇŻÂ? Â?‘–Ǥdz  My  dad  looked  at  me  with  a  bewilderment  that  sig  naled  I  should  know  better.  My  brother  pretended  to  not  understand.  Hearing  our  raised  voices,  my  mother,  Saaya,  ƒÂ?† ‡‡’ƒ ƪ‡™ ‹Â?–‘ –Š‡ ”‘‘Â?Ǥ › Â?‘–Š‡” ‰”ƒ„„‡† Â?› ƒ”Â? ƒÂ?† †”ƒ‰‰‡† Â?‡ ‹Â?–‘ –Š‡ Â?‹–…Š‡Â?Ǥ Dz ”‹ƒ ™Šƒ– ™‡”‡ ›‘— –Š‹Â?Â?‹Â?‰Ǩ ‘— …ƒÂ?ǯ– –ƒŽÂ? –‘ –Š‡Â? Ž‹Â?‡ Â–ÂŠÂƒÂ–Ç¨Çł

DzMa ›‘— †‹†Â?ǯ– Š‡ƒ” ™Šƒ– –Š‡› ™‡”‡ •ƒ›‹Â?‰njdz

Dz – †‘‡•Â?ǯ– Â?ÂƒÂ–Â–Â‡Â”ÇĄÇł ƒƒ›ƒ ”‡–‘”–‡†Ǥ Š‡ ™Š‹•’‡”‡†ǥ Dz ‡ –ƒŽÂ?‡† ƒ„‘—– –Š‹•Ǥ ‘— …ƒÂ?ǯ– …ŠƒÂ?‰‡ –Š‡Â?Ǥ ‘— ƒŽ”‡ƒ†› Â?Â?‘™ ™Šƒ– –‘ †‘ǥ •‘ •–‘’ –”›‹Â?‰ –‘ ƤÂ?† ƒÂ?‘–Š‡” •‘Ž—–‹‘Â?Ǥ Š‡”‡ ‹•Â?ǯ– ‘Â?‡Ǥdz  My  jaw  clenched,  but  my  tongue  remained  intact.  ƒ––‹‡ Ž‘‘Â?‡† —’ ƒ– Â?‡ǥ ™‹†‡nj‡›‡†ǥ ƒÂ?† Â?› Â?‹Â?† ĆŞÂƒÂ•ÂŠÇŚÂˆÂ‘Â”-­â€? warded  to  an  adult  version  of  her.  I  imagined  her  strutting  down  the  street  in  her  sweatpants.  She  was  on  her  way  to  a  philosophy  class,  with  a  black  plastic  bag  full  of  sin,  and  a  tail  of  enamored  men  behind  her.  Filled  with  a  sense  of  Š‘’‡ǥ ”‡–”‡ƒ–‡†Ǥ Dz ‹Â?‡Ǥ Šƒ–‡˜‡” ›‘— Â•ÂƒÂ›Ç¤Çł *   That  night,  after  we  got  home,  I  opened  my  laptop  and  went  straight  to  Gmail.  After  a  moment’s  hesitation,  I  …Ž‹…Â?‡†Ǥ › •‘Ž—–‹‘Â? ™ƒ• Dz ‡Â?–dz ÇŚ ƒ •—††‡Â? •‡Â?•‡ ‘ˆ •‡”‡Â?‹–›Ǥ It  read: Dear  Shiven,  ŠƒÂ?Â?•ǥ „—– Â?‘ –ŠƒÂ?Â?•Ǥ Aria I  closed  the  laptop,  sipped  on  a  glass  of  my  hidden  red Moscato,  and  smiled  a  toothless  grin. ƒ„› •–‡’•Ǥ

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Closet Diaries Eileen Wang Sculpture

Corinne Segal

Lessons

Pont Alexandre III

Don’t move.

Now move.

Wrench your jaw, look at that patch of sky and think ashamed, think enraptured, clap, lift your hands to the sky, you are not talking, you are not singing, you are open. You are trying —voice shutting clapboard on itself.

Stay open. Sing to me. Talk to me. Let the words stumble over highland vowels on your breath.

I had forgotten the six hours I left between your home and mine, the way the banks of the lake Ƥ ǡ where I knew your name. Forgotten: my eyes you drew with charcoal from the sand, the color of the smoke we set loose on the water. All of the places my body has bruised. One morning the breeze tore the white curtains from the wall and you told me you had seen in sleep ƪ the place where once we danced, and darling, I’m here to make it all true, even the dreams you never knew you had.

Let me not command.

Let us be without trying, you and I, sprung from the base, a rhythm born in you.

In the morning the white curtains will ơ and you will start slow, a low hum in the throat.

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A Costly Sight Uncontainable Esther Kim Photography

Summertime Amelia Wills

ƫ On a sleepy morning.

Summertime steps the slow stroke of paintbrush on new canvas, ƪ Ǥ Hearing your voice played over and over in the seashell of my mind. Ǧ ǡ Ƥ Ǥ Dz ǡdz Ǥ My heart chassés under your gaze.

My eyes dewy like the grass under my feet.

You remember, twirling like maple seeds free falling.

Each step a little stronger, a prayer wheel spun from the silk Threads of dreams, constellations forming our future.

Your heartbeat as steady underneath my ear as the rain on the roof ƪ ȗ Ƥ Ǥ Mid-­‐day mists of woven light and music.

ƪ Like the light in your eyes.

The last jeté of summertime.

Good night. *kusari doi: Japanese rain chains, an alternative decorate form of downspout

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Things They’ve Said to Me Anonymous

Things They’ve Said to Me, That I’ve held in.

I share with you now Not to spread the poison But to let (self)love in.

-­‐-­‐He loves you because you’re exotic.

-­‐-­‐Because you are petite. -­‐-­‐Because you all age so well. ǦǦ Ƥ Ǥ -­‐-­‐Because you can wear any kind of clothing and not look ridiculous.

-­‐-­‐Because you’re not as hairy.

-­‐-­‐Because you’re submissive.

-­‐-­‐Because your butt is small.

-­‐-­‐Because you do whatever he wants to do.

-­‐-­‐Because you’re the prettiest ASIAN girl.

-­‐-­‐Because you probably cook well.

-­‐-­‐Because he likes anime.

-­‐-­‐Because he has a fetish. Yellow fever. Wannabe-­‐ Asian.

-­‐-­‐Because you’re Asian smart. Asian cool. Asian hot.

-­‐-­‐Asian.

-­‐-­‐It’s because you’re Asian.

Things I’ve Wanted to Say

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-­‐-­‐That doesn’t make sense. ǦǦ Ǧ ǫ -­‐-­‐Shut up.

-­‐-­‐Nonononononononononononononono. ǦǦ

ǫ -­‐-­‐It doesn’t equate.

What Does Equate I’m a girl. I’m Asian. But I’m also a person, a mosaic of songs and dreams. I doodle in class. I’m obsessed with Jane Austen. I have blisters on my hands from hanging onto the monkeybars for too long when I was nine.

» Esther Kim Charcoal

Ǥ ơ ͙͘ minutes of painting it on. He kisses my wrists, which are just as pale as his. He listens to my hour-­‐long rants about the Oxford comma. He thinks it’s funny that I draw hearts around each date, because I believe everyday deserves love.

And so does everyone.

What I Say to Myself: I love myself because, despite, and regardless of all that I am.

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» WWII Jasmine Lee Mixed Media TST at Night Focus Alex Chan Photography 22

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