a student newspaper of the university of tulsa
Prison population hits all time high, p 3
september 18, 2017 issue 4 ~ volume 103
Okla. at forefront in wind energy, p 3
Tulsa to pursue death penalty case, p 2
Okla. legislature silent for Hunger Action Month, p7
News
The Collegian: 2
Tulsa Fire Dept. honors 9/11 victims in grueling memorial
A convention center has become a shelter for desperate evacuees.
courtesy ABC News
Okla. attorney general: tips to avoid hurricane Harvey and Irma charity scams Oklahoma Attorney General Mike Hunter warns citizens of charity fraud and other scams in the wake of hurricanes Harvey and Irma. Hunter said the work of charitable organizations is key to the recovery process after a disaster. However, some see it as an opportunity to run scam operations asking for money the victims never see. “As the tragedy on the Gulf Coast continues to unfold, I know Oklahomans will step up to help in a multitude of ways, like we see after all disasters,” Hunter said. “I am urging individuals looking to donate money to use caution and research to ensure a charity is registered to solicit in the state to avoid becoming the victim of a charity scam.” Before donating, Hunter said one of the easiest ways to find out if a charity is registered is to look it up on the secretary of state’s website at: www.sos.ok.gov/charity/, or by calling (405) 521-3912. Charities looking to solicit donations in Oklahoma must be registered through the secretary of state. Additionally, the attorney general’s
18 September 2017
consumer protection unit offers the following guidelines to avoid becoming a victim of charity fraud. Donate only to charities that you know and trust; be wary of charities that seem to have been formed specifically in response to a particular disaster; ask for written information regarding the solicitor’s charity, including the name, mission, administrative costs and how your donation will be used and listen carefully to the name of the purported charity. Scam artists often claim to be associated with a charity that mimics the name of a well-known, reputable organizations. In addition, be suspicious of any solicitor that uses high pressure or aggressive tactics, asks for donations in cash or promises prizes in exchange for a donation. For more information and tips on how to select a charity, visit www.charitywatch.org. To report suspected fraud or scams, contact the attorney general’s public protection unit at (405) 521-2029 and local law enforcement.
courtesy Wiki Commons
Over three quarters of the emergency responders who died in 9/11 were firefighters.
Tulsa firefighters engaged in an unorthodox but wholly reverent commemoration of 9/11 victims. Kyle Crutchfield Student Writer About 100 Tulsa firefighters honored fallen 9/11 emergency responders last Monday by climbing 110 stories of First Place Tower in downtown Tulsa. Sixteen years ago, 412 emergency responders, including firefighters, police officers and paramedics, lost their lives while climbing the 110 stories of the smoldering Twin Towers, all in an effort to save the lives of others. The Tulsa firefighters wore their full bunker gear – pants, jackets, helmet – and wore additional air tanks, just as the actual 9/11 firefighters had done to avoid breathing in the smoke. In total, the gear weighed in at 70 pounds.
The firefighters dripped with sweat as they climbed the stairs, hauling their gear and feeling the connection to those firefighters who lost their lives 16 years ago. “They’re your brothers, they’re your sisters,” says Tulsa firefighter Shelby Thompson. “Anywhere in the state, anywhere in the world. You’re connected with these people.” First Place Tower is only 41 stories tall, so firefighters divided the climb into 2 ½ laps, taking an elevator back down between each lap. Speaking about the emergency responders of 9/11, Tulsa Fire Cadet Tyler DeShazo said the event was to “carry on their legacy.” DeShazo was in third grade when the attacks occurred. “I remember they turned the TV on while we were in class and we watched the second plane hit.” He continued, “I think it’s really cool that we get to honor them.” Out of the 412 emergency responders who died during 9/11, 343 of them were firefighters.
Tulsa County to pursue first death penalty in eight years
If the jury reaches a unanimous opinion of guilty, Gregory Epperson will be killed via lethal injection. Grace McFee Student Writer
The Tulsa County District Attorney’s Office intends to seek the death penalty against a defendant accused of the murder of a young woman. This means, if the case against Gregory Epperson goes to trial and the jury unanimously agrees to the maximum sentence, he will the first person to face lethal injection in Tulsa County in eight years.
On a national scale, the number of death sentences has dropped 75 percent since the mid-1990s. In recent years, following the national trend, Oklahoma jurors have been reluctant to hand down the death sentence, both in Tulsa and across the state. Since the 1990s, death sentences in the state of Oklahoma have dropped from around 15 in a year to one or two in a year. Tulsa County specifically hasn’t handed down the death sentence since the 2009 sentencing of Raymond Johnson, who was convicted of the murder of his girlfriend and her infant daughter. Prosecutors generally reserve the death sentence for “the worst of the worst” cases and often consider the wishes of the family in their decision to pursue it. Prosecutors must also take into account the strength of evidence, mitigating factors
for the defendant and aggravating factors for the crime. In a parallel trend, prosecutors have filed less death penalty cases in recent years, though it does still occur. Despite the efforts of prosecutors who have advocated for the maximum sentence, most cases seeking the death penalty in the last decade have resulted in life without parole for the defendant. This outcome is often due to changing social views of the death penalty, characteristics of the defendant and the requirement for unanimous agreement, especially since there have been several recent instances of new evidence releasing inmates on death row. This has caused jurors to expect DNA evidence or a confession in order to be completely convinced of guilt, meaning they don’t often unanimously agree on the death sentence without that kind of evidence.
Gregory Epperson will face charges of first degree murder in the strangulation of Kelsey Tennant and of assault against her boyfriend, Riley Allen. The district attorneys in charge of the case have filed their necessary bill of particulars with the trial judge so they can officially declare their intent to seek the death sentence against Epperson. They argue the death penalty is a due course of action in this case as the beating and strangling of Tennant was a particularly cruel and atrocious act. They also cite a previous, unrelated murder case against Epperson, which was dropped due to lack of evidence, as a marker that Epperson has most likely committed acts of violence in the past and will continue to do so in the future.
News
18 September 2017
Windfarm promises jobs, green energy
courtesy Wiki Commons
In his teachings and writings, Boyd has made racial violence a primary topic of study.
Another view of Tulsa Race Massacre
Herb Boyd, author of “Black Detroit” and professor of black studies at the City College of New York, spoke on the roles of the African Blood Brotherhood and other instrumental individuals in the 1921 Tulsa Race Massacre. Kayleigh Thesenvitz Editor-In-Chief After 10 minutes of technical difficulty and four more minutes of updates about the Oklahoma Center for the Humanities, a diverse crowd of roughly 200 joined in a round of applause for New York author and professor Herb Boyd. Boyd’s lecture was titled “Another View of the Tulsa Race Riot,” which he was able to provide through his own experiencing living through the 1943 Detroit riot. Boyd told the audience that the racial animus in Oklahoma did not exist in a vacuum. He briefly recapped the history of race relations from the civil war to the return from World War I. “If you look at the situation here in Tulsa, Oklahoma in 1921, it’s not at all unique,” Boyd said. The Tulsa Riot has appeared in several of Boyd’s books, but mostly only as a footnote.
The Collegian: 3
Boyd considered researching Tulsa “a grand opportunity,” to look at a part of American history that is “so often ignored.” “Many of you who have studied or read about or raised some questions about the whole 1921 riot, you know that for a long period of time there was no discussion,” Boyd said. “We recognize that silence is an erasure of things; not at all productive.” Boyd recounted first trying to research the Tulsa Riot in 1987, while visiting his wife’s family in Tulsa, and being unable to find anything about the riot whatsoever in the public library. “When I went into their archives, their files, the whole repository of things there; I encountered newspapers where it had been cut out. The whole story about the Tulsa Riot was not even there,” Boyd said. Boyd took the opportunity in his research today, to find the less commonly seen actors in the riot. Boyd’s unique angle focused on a black magazine called “The Crusader” published by the African Black Brotherhood, which claimed to have had a reporter on the scene for the entire 16 hour massacre. He also quoted several people who may have been eyewitnesses to the riot, including people who recalled the still controversial claim that North Tulsa was bombed during the riot.
Oklahoma attempts to embrace green energy with a record-setting wind-farm. Justin Guglielmetti Sports Editor It’s a refrain familiar to millions around the country: “Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plains.” Rogers and Hammerstein may have written the lyrics for a musical but they have always rung plenty true, especially to those living in the panhandle. And soon, that truth will become a new source of energy and jobs for residents of Oklahoma and the surrounding states. Over the summer, General Electric Renewable Energy and Invenergy announced that construction was underway on the Wind Catcher, a massive 2,000 megawatt wind farm in the Oklahoma panhandle, with plans to be completed by 2020. With a proposed 800 state-of-the-art turbines, the wind farm would be the largest in the United States, surpassing the Alta Wind Energy Center in California. The facility is part of a larger $4.5 billion dollar infrastructure investment called the Wind Catcher Energy Connection, which will also provide a 350-mile, extra-highvoltage power line to be built by American Electric Power (AEP). This power line will connect a substation at the wind farm with one near Tulsa and help deliver clean energy from the isolated panhandle to more than a
courtesy Wiki Commons
million customers in Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana and northern Texas. Estimates from GE and AEP indicate that the project will save customers $7 billion dollars over 25 years and create approximately 4,400 jobs during construction, as well as another 80 permanent positions to monitor the station upon completion. An additional 4,000 indirect jobs are also expected to be supported by the construction of the wind farm and it is believed that more than $500 million in local revenue could be generated from property taxes and lease payments. Contrary to its prevailing reputation as a state unconcerned with environmental issues, Oklahoma has been a leading actor in the nation-wide effort towards achieving a greater reliance on renewable energy sources like wind and solar. According to the American Wind Energy Association, at the end of 2016, the state had a current capacity to produce 6,645 megawatts of solar energy per year, the third highest total in the United States. Following construction of the Wind Catcher, Oklahoma will trail only Texas, which produced more than 20,000 megawatts in 2016. Despite recent efforts like the Wind Catcher and the potentially even larger Titan Wind Project in South Dakota (currently in pre-construction by developers Clipper Windfarm and BP), the U.S. remains far behind the world leaders in wind power. Per the latest data from the Global Wind Energy Council, both China and the European Union currently produce around double the output of the United States.
Okla. prison population reaches an all-time high Despite judicial reforms, Oklahoma has topped its already high criminal population.
Kayleigh Thesenvitz Editor-In-Chief The Oklahoma Department of Corrections reported Thursday that the number of Oklahoma inmates topped 63,000 for the first time in history. For perspective, that number makes up 1.62 percent of Oklahoma’s total population. The official count of 63,009 prisoners shows that 2,000 more people have been added to the already overcrowded corrections system of nine months ago, the last official count. In a June 27 DOC staff meeting, DOC Director Joe Allbaugh said, “I showed up about 18 months ago and feel like I inherited the Titanic that has already been ruptured.” Two months later, as this number came in, Allbaugh begged the question, “what are we to do?” In order to remain operational the DOC needs three new prisons and $700 million more in operating funds, totalling $2.8 billion, Allbaugh said. Gov. Mary Fallin and others have been pressing for criminal justice reforms that will reduce the prison population without affecting public safety. Reforms include reclassification of some non-violent felonies as misdemeanors and greater use of treatment programs and supervision such as parole, probation and GPS monitoring. Some prosecutors and lawmakers, how-
Oklahoma’s prisons are having a hard time sustaining such a sizable population of inmates.
ever, argue that the proposed measures go too far, and will result in dangerous individuals returning to the streets. These reforms include State Questions 780 and 781, which passed in the 2016 election, but which many state legislators are trying to repeal. Representative Scott Biggs (R, Chickasha), a particularly vocal opponent of the reforms, has said possession of methamphetamine, heroin, cocaine and date rape drugs should still be a felony. “Criminal justice reform remains at the top of my agenda. I will continue to seek sensible reforms in our criminal justice sys-
tem that keep dangerous criminals in the system, but provides appropriate solutions to support non-violent offenders,” Fallin said. “Many states have shown that it’s possible to reduce imprisonment while also reducing crime. By ensuring expensive prison beds are used for serious, violent offenders and reinvesting savings into programs that cut crime and recidivism, these states are getting a better public safety return on their corrections spending.” “It is unacceptable, though unsurprising, that the Oklahoma Department of Corrections continues to set new records on the
graphic by Madeline Woods
number of humans suffering under our current system,” said former state representative Ryan Kiesel, executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union of Oklahoma. “Oklahoma’s criminal justice system is an unsustainable, indisputable human rights catastrophe. As more and more Oklahomans are consumed by our political leaders’ insatiable appetite for mass incarceration, we move further from safety and justice and closer to reaching the now inevitable distinction of becoming the world’s largest jailer.”
News
The Collegian: 4
Sep 7 3:15 a.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a possible stolen bicycle at LaFortune Hall. Upon arrival Officers spoke with a student who stated they had locked their bicycle on a tree in the Harvard parking and when they returned the bike was missing. They were advised to file a Tulsa Police Department report as well. 9:45 p.m. Security Officers were dispatched to the Collins Fitness Center after to investigate an odor of marijuana. Upon arrival, the staff members mentioned noticing a strong odor of marijuana on a student who checked in at the front desk. Officers made contact with the student who they stated that they were not in possession of any marijuana. Officers did not notice any noticeable marijuana odor on the student or their possessions. Officers escorted the individual and a non-TU affiliated guest from the Collins Fitness Center for the night. Sep 8 3:50 p.m. While on routine patrol University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers initiated a pe-
18 September 2017
destrian check on an individual seated behind the Collins Softball Complex. Upon contact, officers identified the person as a non-TU affiliated individual waiting on a high school student riding the public school bus. Officers explained the purpose of the contact and the boundaries of the university campus property to the individual. A trespass warning was not issued.
6:59 p.m. While on routine game day patrol University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers impounded a TU ID, a koozie with a pair of sunglasses in it, a nursing coverlet, and a debit card. Some of the property owners were determined but none were able to be contacted so all the property was placed into the property locker for safe keeping.
Sep 9 3:10 p.m. While on routine game day patrol University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers observed a student in possession of an alcoholic beverage that they brought into Chapman Stadium. Officers made contact with the student who was under the legal drinking age. Officers confiscated and destroyed the beverage, the student was escorted out of the stadium without further incident.
Sep 10 5:30 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to check the welfare of a student. A parent called and was concerned about their child’s blood sugar level. Officers checked on the student and they seemed to be in stable condition and coherent. The student denied medical assistance and their sibling went and checked on them. The student also agreed to call their parent.
3:30 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to Chapman Stadium in response to an ill person. A non-TU affiliate was found to be highly intoxicated. Emergency services were requested, and transported the non-TU affiliate to a local hospital.
4:40 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers University of Tulsa Campus received a report of a student who was sexually assaulted by another student on campus over the weekend. Officers from TU and Tulsa Police Department are investigating the case.
5:50 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to an ill person inside H.A. Chapman Stadium. Upon arrival, Emergency Medical Services Authority were already on scene. The individual had a high heart rate and EMSA personnel transported the individual to St. John Medical Center for further evaluation.
8:00 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the Lorton Village Apartments on report of property that had been thrown off of the third floor balcony. Upon speaking to the apartment residents, it was discovered that the property had been abandoned on the third floor balcony for more than a month by a summer resident and no longer had an owner. There was no other property damage in the area.
Nathan Gibbons Student Writer
Suspects arrested in London terror attack
Last Saturday, two suspects were arrested in connection with the terror attacks that occurred at London’s Parsons Green subway station. Early Saturday, an 18-year-old man was arrested at the port of Dover, possibly on his way to France. A second 21-yearold suspect was arrested in West London that night. Both are being held under the Terrorism Act, but charges have not been filed yet. Police have indicated they believe multiple people were involved in Friday’s attack. “We are still pursuing numerous lines of inquiry and at a great pace,” said London’s counter-terrorism coordinator Neil Basu. As of Sunday, 30 people were injured in Friday’s attack when an improvised device exploded in a subway train. Most victims suffered from severe burns, but analysts say injuries would have been far worse had the entire device exploded as planned. A residential address in Surrey, west of London, was still being searched by police Sunday. Nearby residents were being evacuated as a “precautionary measure.” The searched address is rumored to belong to an elderly couple who have been honored by the Queen for fostering hundreds of children, including refugees.
Iraq sentences a foreign ISIS member to death For the first time, a foreign ISIS fighter has received the death penalty in Iraq. Last Tuesday, Iraq’s High Judicial Council, a criminal court in Baghdad, made the announcement he had been found guilty. In a statement, the High Judicial Council’s spokesman, Judge Abdul Sattar al-Beeraqdar, said the Russian had been accused of fighting for the al-Zarqawi brigade, a faction of ISIS, and confessed to “carrying out several terrorist operations against the security services since 2015.” In accordance with article four of Iraq’s anti-terrorism law, the convict has been sentenced to death by hanging. Iraqi troops made the arrest earlier this year during operations to retake the eastern bank of Mosul, Iraq, from the militant Islamic group ISIS. ISIS’s retreat has accelerated recently. Iraq’s Prime Minister said in July that all of Mosul had been retaken from ISIS troops. In Syria, more than half of Raqqa, ISIS’s self-declared capital, has been captured by United States backed troops. In late August, Iraqi troops drove the terrorist group from the town of Tal Afar.
Putin criticizes US sanctions against North Korea Russian President Vladimir Putin said last Thursday that he believed the United States were wrong to try to put pressure on Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea. At the Eastern Economic Forum in the far eastern Russian city of Vladivostok, Putin made his criticism. “It’s a provocation from North Korea, it’s obvious,” Putin said. “They count on a specific reaction from the partners and they get it. Why are you playing along with it? Have ever you thought about it?” Though Putin has been uncharacteristically outspoken about how the global community should react to North Korea’s sixth nuclear test, North Korea has been condemned by countries like the United States, South Korea and Japan. These countries have called for stronger sanctions to punish Kim Jong Un’s regime. At the forum, North Korea’s minister of external economic relations Kim Yong Jae said that Pyongyang will “respond to barbaric attempts to exert pressure by the US by our strong countermeasures.” “Attempts to use unprecedented aggressive sanctions and pressure to intimidate us and make us reverse our course are a huge mistake,” said the minister. “The United States should by all means keep in mind the nuclear status of our country, (which) owns nuclear and hydrogen bombs and intercontinental ballistic missiles.”
Sep 11 8:50 a.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to Fisher Hall East to investigate an unusual phone call to human resources department. The caller stated that they were returning a phone call from that business number. The individual stated they had been receiving threatening calls from the university number. The harassing phone calls were determined to be false. The caller advised to contact the Information Technology department because it may have been hacked. The investigation is ongoing. Sep 12 12:00 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the Campus Corner Bookstore in regards to suspicious persons. Officers made contact with the two individuals who stated they were shopping and were unaware their conversation was offensive. The individuals were compliant, purchased their items and left the premises. Sep 13 11:55 a.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to Keplinger Hall in response to an ill student. Tulsa Fire Department and EMSA arrived on scene and evaluated the student. The student declined further medical treatment and requested to be escorted back to their room. The Collegian does not produce or edit the Campus Crime Watch except for content and brevity.
Monday, September 18 at 7:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. Tyrrell Hall, Auditorium The 2017 Cadenhead-Settle Memorial Lecture Donald J. Raleigh, the Jay Richard Ludson. Distinguished Professor of Russian History at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. His lecture, is titled “Russia 1917: Some Reflections on the 100th Anniversary. This presentation will examine the long-and short-term causes of the February Revolution of 1917 that toppled 300 years of Romanov rule; the social polarization that unfolded afterward, aggravated by the consequences of an unpopular war; and the reasons why the Bolsheviks came to power and held on to it. “I will argue that how the revolution -- what has often been called the most important event of the 20th century-- is understood at any point in time reflects as much contemporaneous issues, politics, and subjectivities as anything else. I’ll take the story up to what’s going on today in Russia,” Raleigh said. Tuesday, September 19 at 5:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. Gilcrease Museum, Vista Room Jazz Night featuring Rebecca Ungerman Combo Visit Gilcrease Museum and hear local legends perform America’s Music. Featuring Rebecca Ungerman Combo, with Rebecca Ungerman on vocals, Josh Westbrook on guitar, Clark Gibson on saxophone, Jordan Hehl on bass and Jared Johnson on drums. Live Jazz in the Vista Room from 5:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m., with museum galleries remaining open until 8:00 p.m. Free for Gilcrease Museum members; free with admission for non-members. A buffet dinner is available from The Restaurant at Gilcrease for an additional $8.00 per person. Sorry, reservations to this event cannot be accepted. Wednesday, September 20 at 12:00 p.m. to 1:00 p.m. Student Union, Great Hall
ImpactTU Join us for the kick off of our six-week leadership workshop for freshmen! Orientation Leaders will lead table discussions about key skills for leading at TU! Free lunch will be provided
Wednesday, September 20 at 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. The Dietler Commons (In front of the Library) Campus Flight Day University of Tulsa Flight Club will be flying model planes and drones on Dietler Commons this upcoming Wednesday. Trainers will give you a chance to fly the planes! Free Popsicles! Thursday, September 21 at 12:00 p.m. to 1:00 p.m. Wesley Foundation, Downstairs Basement Free International Lunch FIL is an open lunch hosted by the International Student Ministries (ISM). It’s a great opportunity for international students and American students to meet each other while sharing a home-cooked meal together! Saturday, September 23 at 2:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. TU Veteran House, Apt 418 TU Veterans and Friends Tailgate Come out and tailgate with the TU Student Veteran Association before the football game against The University of New Mexico Lobos! Open to all students, faculty, and alumni regardless of military service. Don’t miss the best tailgate on campus! We will be tailgating at the TU Veteran House in Norman Village. For more information contact Kate Tillotson at krt417@utulsa.edu. The Collegian does not produce all event descriptions in the Community Calendar. Contact us at news@tucollegian.org with events.
Sports
18 September 2017
Tulsa soccer comes away winless In their first week since earning a top-25 ranking, men’s soccer suffered a loss against Brown, while the women’s team’s struggles persisted against ORU. Joe Edmonds Sports Correspondent
For the first time this season, the Golden Hurricane men’s soccer team was ranked one of the top teams in the country, coming in at No. 20. In their first game at home after their California road trip, they faced a hot Brown team. The Bears had only allowed one goal in their first three games of the season and their strong defense continued against Tulsa. All of the game’s scoring occurred in the first half. Brown got on the board first, just fifteen minutes in. Tulsa was able to respond quickly, taking less than ten minutes to answer with a goal. The Bears kept up the pressure, though, and once again took the lead near the thirty minute mark of the first half. The score remained 2-1 for the rest of the game, as Brown was able to stay strong defensively and continue their undefeated start to the season. The Golden Hurricane now own a 2-2-1 record for the year. Next up, TU travels to Omaha for a matchup against the No. 22 ranked Creighton Bluejays. The game is on Tuesday night at 7 p.m. The injury-riddled Golden Hurricane women’s soccer team continued to struggle with their depleted roster this week. First up was their final game of the Tiger Invitational in Memphis, which matched them up against Rice. The game was high scoring early, but not in the favor of Tulsa. Rice was able to score within the first minute of the game, and tallied another five minutes later for a quick 2-0 lead. The Golden Hurricane fought back, and were able to level the score. Christina Holmes net a goal, and Rachel Thun-Blankenship added one shortly. Unfortunately, Tulsa couldn’t keep up with the scoring and Rice notched three more goals to take the 5-2 victory. After the Tiger Invitational, Tulsa returned home for their matchup against crosstown rival Oral Roberts. The game was much lower scoring than the Rice game, as each team only scored one goal. Thun-Blankenship scored an early goal for the Golden Hurricane, less than five minutes into the game. From that point on, Tulsa was able to withstand the ORU aggression and only give up one goal from a whopping 42 shots. After a pair of scoreless overtime periods, the game ended at a 1-1 draw. The Golden Hurricane are 1-6-2 on the season after the draw, and have one more game left before conference play starts. That game is on the road at Missouri State at 1 p.m. on Sunday.
Hurricane Scoreboard Women’s Soccer Sept. 10: Rice 5 - Tulsa 2 Sept. 15: Oral Roberts 1 - Tulsa 1 2 OT Men’s Soccer Sept. 15: Brown 2 - Tulsa 1
Justin Guglielmetti is…
the
bleacher creature?
Cleveland Rocks As someone who considers himself a die-hard supporter of his teams, it always pains me to root for somebody else, especially when we’re in the regular season and my teams are still in it. But come on, how could you not be cheering on the Cleveland Indians over the past several weeks? Before their incredible streak ended on Friday night to the Kansas City Royals, the Tribe had won 22 games in a row, a modern record (the New York Giants went 27 games without a loss in 1916, but the streak included a tie). In the process, they took control of an AL Central that had been deadlocked as recently as late August and established themselves as heavy favorites to win the World Series. Cleveland hit 41 homers over the streak and only gave up 36 runs total. Corey Kluber continued his godlike second-half run, bringing his ERA and WHIP down below 2.50 and .90 respectively and seizing control of the Cy Young race that Chris Sale earlier seemed to have in the bag. Francisco Lindor salvaged his slow start to the year by becoming arguably the best player in baseball. Carlos Carrasco struck out 34 against one walk. Backup catcher Roberto Perez hit .382/.447/.765. They’ve done this whole thing without established stars Andrew Miller, Jason Kipnis and Michael Brantley. I have no words! Baker, I Salute You And I want you to take back that apology! Planting the Oklahoma flag in the middle of Ohio State’s field after last week’s 31-16 victory wasn’t disrespectful, it was freaking badass! Okay, maybe it was a little disrespectful, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have done it. I’m not saying that I don’t care about people being respectful in real life, but sports are a break from reality that I really think people should learn to take less seriously. Sure, get mad at Mayfield if you’re an OSU fan, that’s to be expected. But that’s a good thing, getting mad at your opponents is part of what makes sports fun! At the end of the day, he’s a college kid who got really excited after a huge victory that he earned for himself; it’s not like he killed a guy. Besides, if you don’t want to be disrespected in the future, try a little harder and win the game.
Men’s goalie Marcel Da Silva was named the American Conference’s Goalie of the Week for the week ending Sept. 11. Teammate Rollie Rocha was named the Offensive Player of the Week.
Football Sept. 16: Toledo 54 - Tulsa 51
The Collegian: 5
Volleyball Sept. 15: Tulsa 3 - Oral Roberts 2 Sept. 16: Wyoming 3 - Tulsa 0 Sept. 16: Central Arkansas 3 -Tulsa 2 Cross-Country Sept. 16 Women’s 5k: Nicole Lee - 4th, 17:29.87 Ashley Barnes - 5th, 17:31.99 Alyssa Bolliger - 8th, 17:38.97 Men’s 8k: Reed Sahadaven - 54th, 26:07.62 Bryan Corbaz - 72nd, 26:29.03 Ellis Coon - 78th, 26:32.66
And You, Giorgio, My Italian Bro Let’s give this this guy some serious props, he’s like a real-life Rudy. You know, if Rudy was actually a badass who ended up having a tangible impact on his team winning the game. Giorgio Tavecchio has been trying to make an NFL roster since 2012 but didn’t get signed to an active roster until the day before this season’s opener, when longtime Raiders kicker Sebastian Janikowski was placed on the injured reserve with a back injury. He then proceeded to go 4/4 on field goals, including two from 52 yards out, all of which perfectly split the uprights. Let’s not overreact, but he might be the greatest kicker of all time.
Sept. 18 - Sept. 24 Monday
Tuesday 18
Women’s Golf vs. Kansas St.
Wednesday 19
Women’s Golf vs. Kansas St.
20
No Events Scheduled
Thursday 21
Women’s Soccer vs. Houston 7 p.m.
Saturday
Friday 22 Men’s Tennis @ Drake Invitational Women’s Tennis @ ITF 25K Softball vs. Crowder College 5 p.m. Volleyball vs. Houston 7 p.m.
Sunday 23
Football vs. New Mexico 12:30 p.m. Women’s Golf vs. Oklahoma
24
Volleyball vs. Tulane 1 p.m. Women’s Soccer vs. SMU 1 p.m. Men’s Soccer vs. SMU 4 p.m.
The Collegian: 6
Sports
18 September 2017
Should the college football playoffs be expanded? Still licking their wounds from past battles, Joe Edmonds and Justin Guglielmetti face off in their first kerfuffle of 2017-18. Edmonds: The college bowl season has been around for over 100 years now. At this point, Christmas season and college bowl season have become effectively synonymous. And this season’s most important job remains the same: determine the national champion, the best college football team in America for the year. In the past, the top two ranked teams tended to play against each other in a bowl game, and the winner would decide the national champion. That did not always work out, though. During some years, the top two ranked teams did not play in the same bowl game, instead facing different opponents. In this case, the different polls did not always agree on which team deserved to be named national champions. Nine different split championships were awarded as a result of this disagreement. In the early 2000s, the idea started to be discussed of having a set bowl game be the national championship game. The No. 1 team and No. 2 team would face off in this game, and there would be no confusion as to who won the championship that year. The BCS National Championship came into existence in 2007 for this purpose. After nearly a decade of this system, the College Football Playoff was designed, and is the current system used to determine the best team in college football. The top four teams in the country are seeded 1-4 and placed into a bracket, with the No. 1 seed
Expanding the playoffs would definitely make for more chip-worthy games.
schedule and whether or not they have a conference championship game. Based on last season’s results, at least one team with more than two losses during the season would be in the playoff to win the national championship in an expanded bracket. That means a team that lost 25% of their games could be considered the best in the country. In a conference with three or four teams that stand above the rest of the conference, that would allow each of them a good chance into the playoff. The teams are afforded too many regular season losses.
“Why should you even care about winning the Rose Bowl if it’s just a stepping stone?” playing the No. 4 seed in one semifinal, and the No. 2 seed playing the No. 3 seed in the other semifinal. The playoff system has been used for three seasons now, and already people are discussing expanding it. At this point, I’m ready to stop changing. The current system is good as it is. Currently at 4 teams, the most reasonable expansion options would be an increase to 6, 8, or 16 teams. 8 and 16 team playoffs would make an even bracket while the 6 team would make use of byes. A big fan of tradition, I was hesitant when the move to the playoff was announced. However, it has seemed to produce fine results this far. But, if further expansion were to happen, it would break farther from tradition. Not only that, but expansion would also decrease the value of the regular season. Each season, every team plays 12 or 13 games, depending on their conference
Another point to consider is the quality of play in the playoff. Through the first three playoffs, only once has the No. 1 or No. 2 seed lost in the semifinal, when No. 4 seed Ohio State won the national championship in 2015. In those games where the top two seeds won, they were not closely contested games. Adding those teams that lost three or more games in the regular season would not bring better competition into the playoff, and we would see more blowout games in the path to the finals. In conclusion, the College Football Playoff is a good system for determining the best team in college football, and expanding it would allow teams a chance that don’t truly deserve to be there. The CFP has optimized the quality of play in the postseason and effectively allows the best team to prove itself.
Golden Hurricane suffers tough loss at Toledo Tulsa’s season off to a rockier-than-expected start as they blow a 28-7 first-half lead to fall below .500.
graphic by Madeline Woods
Guglielmetti: Incorrect sports opinions are to Joe as apple pie is to America. This week, my man thought he would take a stab at being wrong about the potential expansion of the college football playoff system. As far as I’m concerned it’s a shame that it hasn’t already been expanded up to a 16team affair. Here’s why. Two years ago, the University of Tulsa football team finished with a 6-6 record in the regular season. They had one of the better offenses in the country but a spectacularly porous defense to go alongside it, routinely allowing 45+ points and never once giving up less than 30 (a game against East Carolina that they lost anyway). Along the way, they were spanked by Houston, Memphis, and Navy — all at home — and had exactly one impressive win on the season, a thriller over SMU on their home turf. All in all, 2015 had the makings of a very average season for the Golden Hurricane, certainly a positive step in the rebuilding process but by no means the finished product of some smashing success story. Oh and I forgot to mention, they made a bowl game that year. Why do I bring this up? It’s to remind you all of one of the dirty little secrets about college football, and really college sports in general: tradition is a sham. I know, I know, tradition is supposed to be one of those things that separates the amateurs from the pros, with those deep-cutting rivalries that go back generations and transcend individuals. But at this point, it’s honestly a strawman used to prop up college athletics against the superior pro game (see our heated debate last year on the merits of NCAA basketball vs. the NBA). Perhaps the proudest tradition in college football is the existence of bowl games as the end-of-season showcase for the best teams in the country. Bowls are an inte-
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editor-in-chief
Kayleigh Thesenvitz managing editor
Michaela Flonard
Joe Edmonds Sports Correspondent A game-winning field goal as time expired sent the Golden Hurricane football team home with a loss this weekend in their game against Toledo. Early on, it was clear that the offenses would be the main story of the game. Tulsa received the opening kickoff and marched down the field on a massive 18 play drive to take the lead. In response, Toledo scored on their first possession. Instead of a long drive, though, they took just one play, as their receiver turned on the jets and blew past the entire Tulsa secondary for a 75 yard score. The game looked good for Tulsa early, as they got an advantage on an interception returned for a touchdown. With just five minutes remaining in the first half, the Golden Hurricane found themselves up by three touchdowns, at a score of 28-7. Toledo was not ready to go down quietly, and managed one more score before halftime to narrow their deficit to 14.
news editor
Trenton Gibbons In the second half, only three possessions didn’t end in points between the two teams. Tulsa had to punt twice compared to a single punt for Toledo. The Rockets continued to close the gap between the two teams, and finally tied the score at 44-44 with ten minutes remaining. Both teams had enough time for one more scoring drive before Toledo retook possessions with two minutes remaining. They moved the ball down the field and into field goal range as time nearly expired. Stopping the clock with 0:02 remaining, they set up for the game winning field goal and successfully converted it. The Rockets maintained their perfect season record at 3-0, while Tulsa fell to 1-2. Tulsa returns home next week, looking to remain perfect at home. The New Mexico Lobos will be the opponent of their 12:30 p.m. game on Saturday afternoon.
gral part of the America’s sporting culture, producing some of its most legendary moments. But in 2017? They don’t mean anything anymore! The fact that TU could have made a bowl game in a season where they finished at .500 is indicative of just how watered down the current system has become. Traditionally there were only a few bowl games that would be played around New Year’s, iconic contests like the Rose Bowl, the Orange Bowl, the Sugar Bowl and the Cotton Bowl. Because there were only so many spots available, it was a near-guarantee that matchups would feature some of the best teams in the country. Now, after the NCAA realized that it could make more money by having more games, we are inundated with 40 bowls per year starting in December. So much for a meaningful tradition. Next I’ll ask you what the most exciting sporting event in the country is. It has to be March Madness right? Even if you’re not a big basketball guy, or an NBA fan like myself, it’s impossible not to get sucked into the spectacle of it all. So with that in mind and understanding that “bowl tradition” has already gone by the wayside, why oh why should we not want to bring that same sort of fun to college football? Set up a tournament to decide once and for all who the top team in the nation is! If that argument sounds familiar, it’s because it was the same one that was already used to justify the explanation for creating the current playoff system, which consists of the best four teams as decided by a special selection committee. Since 2014, the semifinals for the playoff have rotated between two of the New Year’s Six bowl games, further delegitimizing them as independent entities. Why should you even care about winning the Rose Bowl if it’s just a stepping stone to a more important victory in the national championship game? Obviously college football would never be able to handle a 64 team tournament like March Madness. Only one football game can be played a week and there simply isn’t enough time on the calendar to fit that many games in there. But with a little schedule manipulation, a 16 team setup could definitely work. Do-or-die matchups in sports always create the most tension and thrills, the kind of games you call all your friends and break out the chips and salsa for. Are you really telling me there would be a huge pushback against wanting to include more of that in college football? I mean I guess I can see it if you live in Shreveport and the Independence is all you cling to in life (I kid the residents of Shreveport). But aside from them, this should be the easiest decision in the world.
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The Collegian is the student newspaper of the University of Tulsa. It is distributed Mondays during the fall and spring semesters, except during holidays and final exam weeks. The University of Tulsa does not discriminate on the basis of personal status or group characteristics including but not limited to the classes protected under federal and state law. Inquiries regarding implementation of this policy may be addressed to the Office of Human Resources, 800 South Tucker Drive, Tulsa, Oklahoma 74104-9700, (918)631-2616. Requests for accomodation of disabilities may be addressed to the university’s 504 Coordinator, Dr. Tawny Rigsby, (918)631-3814. To ensure availability of an interpeter, five to seven days notice is needed; 48 hours is recommended for all other accomodations. Advertising Policy: Advertising appearing in this publication does not imply approval or endorsement by the University of Tulsa or the Collegian for the products or services advertised. For advertising information, email the Collegian at advertising@tucollegian.org. The deadline for advertising is noon on the Friday proir to publication. Letter Policy: Letters to the editor must be less than 500 words and can be sent to tucollegian@tucollegian.org. Under no circumstances will anonymous letters be published. The name of the person submitting the letter must be published with the letter. We reserve the right to edit or reject all letters. The deadline for letters is 5 p.m. on the Friday prior to publication. Editing Policy: The Collegian reserves the right to edit all copy submitted by all writers. This editing may take place in many forms, including grammar corrections, changes in paragraph structure or even the addition or removal of sections of content. Editorial Policy: Columnists are solely responsible for the content of their columns. Opinions expressed in columns may not represent the opions of the entire Collegian staff, the administrative policies of the University of Tulsa, the views of the student body or our advertisers.
18 September 2017
Commentary
The Collegian: 7
GIFs, memes, blackface controversy
GIFs and emojis may feature black people, but they are not the offensive caricatures of minstrel shows and treating them as such is divisive rhetoric. Justin Guglielmetti Sports Editor GIFS and emojis are not forms of blackface. Some of them may feature black people, but these are not the offensive caricatures of minstrel shows. Calling them so is divisive rhetoric that will do more harm than good. Last week, a video produced by the BBC back in August came to my attention after some of my fellow editors had seen it shared on Facebook. The subject of this video? “Digital blackface.” Upon hearing the term and before I viewed the video myself, I assumed that it would be decrying something along the lines of Snapchat’s disturbing yellowface filter, a facial graphic which though supposedly inspired by anime, instead included slants for eyes and buck teeth. But what I found instead was an attack on two of the American institutions that we here at the Collegian hold most dear: memes and emojis. Actually are reaction GIFs technically memes? I’ll have to verify with one of my resident meme-lord sources and get back to you all in a later issue. Still, the point stands that the thing Victoria Princewell is so very upset about is a harmless internet frivolity. Now I understand that you may not believe me; after all, racists always try to normalize their actions so as to appear more socially legitimate. So in case you’re not familiar with the term “reaction GIF,” allow me to explain what Princewell thinks is so vile as to be compared to blackface. Reaction GIFs are simply short, soundless video clips that are used in internet circles to illustrate the way someone is feeling without using words. A famous example, and one that Princewell uses to make her point: the scene from the Thriller music video where Michael Jackson gleefully munches on some popcorn while staring wide-eyed up at a movie theater screen. It’s a wonderfully comical image and is typically used to display the feeling one gets from watching two people engage in a heated and pointless argument. Other GIFs mentioned in the video include Beyonce staring across a table while sipping on tea (for when you feel that someone is making a fool out of themselves by questioning you) and Oprah struggling to hold back tears (for when you’re proud of
someone or witnessing the end of something you’ll miss). Blackface, on the other hand, is the use of clown-like makeup to exaggerate the stereotypical physical features of black people in such a way as to demean, mock and dehumanize them. Does that sound similar to what I just described in reaction GIFs? Of course not. The comparison is absurd. We can start debunking this nonsense by questioning an unsubstantiated claim that Princewell makes at the very beginning of the video, in which she states that “the most popular [reaction GIFs] are of black people being dramatic.” I can only assume that Princewell simply made this up, as I could not find any sort of comprehensive list that ranks all-time usage of reaction GIFs. I did look over year-end rankings of GIF usage by the website GIPHY (only for their own website) but a quick tally revealed that only 11% of these GIFs featured black people. Why is this important? Well if the entire argument is predicated on reaction GIFs being an exploitative method of dehumanizing black people in the 21st century, then the first thing that must be demonstrated is that black people are the ones primarily affected it. If that cannot be done and it turns out that people of all skin colors (not to mention animals) are liable to be made into GIFs, then the premise falls apart.
is not doing so in order to make the point that he is better or more sophisticated than a black person; race isn’t even part of the equation. All he is doing is assigning someone else’s visual performance to a personal emotion. If anything, I think cross-racial GIF usage should be a point of pride and unification, the very opposite of what Princewell seems to believe! It’s a way of showing that we can identify with people who may not look exactly like ourselves, since there are so many qualities (emotions amongst them) that transcend arbitrary racial denominations and link us all together as part of the human race.
“What is to be gained by broaching a discussion in which you accuse people of racism . . . if there is no real solution in place?” Unfortunately, the ridiculous claims don’t stop at reaction GIFs, as Princewell then goes on to call white people using dark-skinned emojis a form of cultural appropriation. I have written before about the problematic and overabundant accusations of appropriation in a country that is supposed to be a melting pot of various cultures and creeds, but I’m not sure that argument is even needed here. Instead, simply ask
graphic by Madeline Woods
A controversy popped up surrounding the use of GIFs featuring black people; however these GIFs invoke emotion instead of making black people a punchline.
However, even if we worked under the assumption that the “most popular” reaction GIFs are of black people, that alone is not enough for something to be labeled as an equivalent to blackface, not unless one can show malicious, dehumanizing intent behind it. Blackface was not a respectable performative technique that unwittingly hurt some people’s’ feelings, it was a deliberate attempt to mock black people and demonstrate their inferiority. A white person using that aforementioned Michael Jackson GIF
I suppose the argument Princewell is making is that it is appropriation of black culture to use any dark-skinned image regardless of the context (though it is difficult to tell, as her only explanation in the video is to condescendingly say “hmmm”), but if this is where she would like to draw her line in the sand, it opens up another can of worms. This is of course the nebulous existence of an all-encompassing “black culture,” as if the disparate lives of billions of dark-skinned people can be characterized as inherently more similar to each other than to those with a lighter skin tone. Princewell closes the video by hedging her position and maintaining that she is
yourself whether emojis are an integral part of “black culture.” The answer, of course, is a resounding no! Emojis are literally just cartoon images used alongside words in text messaging by every person on the planet with a smartphone, they have no significant historical context or meaning for any particular group of people. How could they? They have only been in existence for the past 18 years and, incidentally, were created by Japanese mobile internet developers, not black people.
not asking for white people to stop using black GIFs or emojis altogether, but rather for them to take more time to consider why they might be using them. And while this may sound conciliatory and moderate on the surface, I actually found it to be the most disingenuous and problematic segment of the whole thing. One of two things has to be true here: either the usage of these images is as offensive as she says (again, blackface is no flippant characterization) and should be curtailed immediately, or there really isn’t anything particularly wrong with them, at least not to the level that she maintains throughout the rest of the video. Princewell’s concession seems to be indicating the latter and this then begs the question as to why such a needlessly divisive topic should even be brought up in the first place. What is to be gained by broaching a discussion in which you will accuse people of racism (outright or incidental) if there is no real solution in place, or even one that is deemed necessary? I can’t speak to Princewell’s true intentions behind the piece, but I do know that it represents the worst action that leftists and liberals can possibly take at this point in time. In the age of Trump, with the country as divided as it’s been in fifty years and tribalist attitudes dictating policy opinions, those who seek to heal must not double down by attacking the minutiae of every perceived social issue as if it is a part of a larger civil rights movement. “Digital blackface,” at least the kind that Princewell discusses in her video, is not something worthy of taking a political stance against because it is, at its core, irrelevant, a non-issue. Harping on it will only breed mistrust in those who (justifiably) do not want to be labeled racists for sharing a funny GIF and make it damn near impossible to unify around instances of genuine, problematic racism. We know it’s out there, we just saw it rear its ugly head not a month ago in Charlottesville. That is the essence of racial injustice, not this harmless internet frivolity that can only offend if you’re looking for something to get upset over. Please, for the sake of the country, let us all get our priorities sorted out.
Charities, churches shouldn’t fight hunger alone
Oklahoma’s citizens show more compassion than their congress during Hunger Action Month. Amanda Amos Student Writer As Hunger Action Month comes into its final stages, Oklahoman charities and churches prove to be more active in the fight against hunger than their government is. This is a tragedy. With one in six Oklahomans facing food insecurity, recognizing September as Hunger Action Month is paramount. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell our legislature that. Food insecurity is living with the fear that you may not eat your next meal, or that the food you eat for dinner won’t be healthy, fulfilling or worth much of anything. Across the US, over 15 million households were food insecure in 2016. For too long, these
struggling people have been overlooked by the general public. After all, over 80 percent of American families are food secure. So when initiatives like Hunger Action Month are started, this is of prime importance to meet the needs of vulnerable families and to raise awareness about food insecurity in America. In Tulsa, food insecurity is largely caused by “food deserts,” or the lack of stores in an area that sell food. Food deserts aren’t necessarily because people aren’t working or don’t have money. Sometimes, there is literally nowhere for them to buy the food they need. Poverty and unstable employment or unemployment do, of course, play into food insecurity but much of the crisis within Tulsa comes back to logistics. Tulsa’s public transportation system is not equipped to take residents from their neighborhoods to other neighborhoods with
Tulsa that’s facing these issues. The Oklahoma Policy Institute identifies 32 of Oklahoma’s 77 counties as having food desert conditions. When nearly half of Oklahoma is facing something this important and this underreported, the issue goes from concerning to crisis very quickly. All of this makes Hunger Action Month so much more important, especially in our state. And Oklahoma charities have truly stepped up to the plate, empty though it may be. The Regional Food Bank of Oklahoma, the Community Food Bank of Eastern Oklahoma and numerous churches across the state have truly organized during this month to help close the gap between food security and insecurity. With food drives and fundraising events initiated by Oklahoma’s charities spanning the month of September and even into October, no one can say that Oklahoma does not
“Oklahoma charities have truly stepped up to the plate, empty though it may be.” adequate grocery stores. Retail stores don’t want to come into neighborhoods they aren’t sure will be profitable. Politicians like Tulsa City Councillor Vanessa Hall-Harper continually shut down plans to bring in Family Dollar stores despite the economic development those stores can spark. It isn’t just
help its poorest citizens. After an exhaustive search, including a frankly too in-depth Facebook search yielded no results, though, the same can’t be said about Oklahoma’s elected officials. No one has made any public remarks or introduced any new initiatives to help com-
bat food insecurity in the state. The closest we’ve come is former Tulsa Mayor Kathy Taylor, who sits as the honorary chair of the Take a Seat event sponsored by the Community Food Bank of Eastern Oklahoma. Even then, she only implores business leaders to participate in the Hunger Action Month. Yes, business leaders, church leaders, nonprofit organizers and normal people who work 9-to-5 jobs all ought to participate in events that support Hunger Action Month and try to combat food insecurity in Oklahoma. However, we cannot excuse our congressional leaders or other governmental officials. Mayors, city councillors, state representations, Oklahoma’s national congressmen, gubernatorial candidates and even Mary Fallin herself all need to be involved in an issue as large and pervasive as food inequality. Oklahoman citizens have proven already that they can and will do something for their vulnerable neighbors. Now it’s time for our elected officials to do the same. If you want to get involved with fighting food inequality even as the month of September winds to a close, it’s not too late. The Community Food Bank of Eastern Oklahoma’s Take a Seat events continue through Oct. 1 and is a TrueBlue Neighbor Partner if you want to volunteer.
The Collegian: 8
Variety
18 September 2017
True Story Slam gives Tulsans with stories a stage
The stories at Ok, So’s True Story Slam ranged from the mundane to the hilarious. Cheyanne Wheat Student Writer
“The internet has allowed me to judge you, your kids and all your friends.” For four and a half years, Ok, So has been putting on the True Story Slam. Ok, So is a local organization headed by two women who share a love for storytelling. Branda Jean Piersall and Michelle Bias found a third cohort, Ryan Howell, during the operation of Ok, So Story Slams in 2015. He has continued to help ever since. The trio has worked diligently to create this event and keep locals attending. The event is held once a month in the IDL Ballroom on a Thursday night. At the beginning of the night, Storytellers toss their name in a hat and wait to be selected. At the end of the night, the winner walks home with an extra $50 in their pocket. September’s True Story Slam topic was “my digital life.” Walking into the IDL Ballroom, there were small tables set up covered in black tablecloths. An open bar is located on the far side of the room. The lighting was dim but illuminated with colorful christmas lights and small lanterns. The room was full of adults, chatting about their fruity drink or past story slams. Co-hosts Michelle and Branda walked up to the stage to introduce the theme and the first storyteller. The night began. Taylor Tope, a young woman exclaimed “I am the Queen of untagging myself on Facebook.” She quickly digresses to how she hates taking and seeing photos of herself. Recalling times where photographs were important, she knew it was time for change. She became vegan and stuck to a gym routine. “I’ve lost forty-five pounds this year,” the audience applauded her progress. She was flattered and proud of her change. “If you really want to see my transition into accepting my body, just follow me on Instagram.” The next act was Daniel Hensman, an older man. “Typing is a huge part of the current digital world, so here is my story…,” he began, recalling his senior year in high school in 1975. He was in one of the very first computer classes in the state. He filled in information on a punch card, the TA would punch it according to the information and you were graded on the computer’s response to the punch card. There was no personal input beside the punch card. He really enjoyed that class so he wanted to participate in a typing class. He attended Mrs. Blue Hair’s Secretary School where he learned to type. He was the only male student. He had to learn in a separate room because he was “too distracting.” On his third week, he was biking to class and hit a curb that sent him sailing off his bike. Hitting the ground, he snapped his arm into an “L” shape. After recovery, he never finished typing school. “And that is why I’m worried about my digital life.”
The following act was man by the name of TJ Clark. Clark sought long distance relationships on the internet. “The fatter I got, the farther I wanted the relationship to be,” he said. He finally met a girl in Germany. They hit it off and she asked for a dick pic. He denied, claiming “I’m a man, not a teenage boy.” She politely understood and asked for a voice recording of his next jerk off. “Don’t listen to that shit. It will change you.,” he continued after recalling the embarrassing details of his recording. Her next request was for him to send her sex toys and she would send back videos of her using them. “That’s better than dinner and a movie any day!” he gushed. He went on German Amazon because you can’t ship internationally from the American Amazon. Completing his order, he was proud he learned that “dildo” is in fact is a universal term. Minutes after his purchase, his bank calls. “Sir there has been an international purchase on your account.” “Ah, yes. I was sending a few gifts to a friend in Germany.” “Okay, sir, can you verify your purchase?” Completely mortified, he prepares for humiliation. “Uhm... ma’am, it is a glass dildo… and nipple clamps… and a paddle…” The longer he recited his shopping cart, the worse he felt. He couldn’t believe this was happening. He finally finished his shameful shopping cart deliverance and sighed.
photo by Cheyanne Wheat
The True Story Slam is a monthly event, every second Thursday, except for Jan. through May.
tacked online. It felt endless. The giraffe’s name means “hope” in Swahili and they found hope within that crushing time. After a brief intermission, the first act was Toni Hart, a lady in a plaid shirt and jeans. She’s a teacher and a baby boomer. “My generation painted pictures on cave walls and we talked to each other!” She loves how internet has allowed her to stalk people without them ever knowing. She loves Facebook and scrolling through her feed with people’s personal lives hung out for everyone to see. She fears the day someone catches her in the act. “I like the stalking, I kinda think that might be the way to go… It’s kinda kinky.” The next act, Andy Cagle, had a miscommunication on Craigslist. “I thought it was innocent then I realized I hired a midget stripper… I mean in polite terms, a little person lady of the night,” Cagle said.
“‘Uhm... ma’am, it is a glass dildo... and nipple clamps... and a paddle...’” The bank teller sheepishly mumbled: “I’m sorry, sir, I just needed to know the amount of the purchase.” Garland McWaters spoke about his family and the digital world. “My life predates digital, I’m like PD (Pre-Digital).” First off, he found his current wife on Match.com. He received Facetime calls from his 3-year-old granddaughter at 11:30 p.m. He played Mario Kart with his grandson and he was impressed by the attention capacity and agility the game demanded. He personally enjoys phone games which were introduced to him by his grandchildren. “You know you are addicted to digital when it is four in the morning and you’re playing Candy Crush on the toilet. You’re on level 98 and you aren’t getting up till you finish that level,” he concluded. Angela Evans, a young woman took the stage. “I’m the zoo lady.” she declared. She begins her story about Amali, the giraffe with the crooked neck. The internet blew up the incident, making the zoo feel ashamed even though they weren’t responsible. Amali was injured in transit to the zoo and died a few weeks after arriving. National Geographic, Animal Planet, Discovery Channel and several big time newspapers contacted the zoo about the giraffe. The zoo was grieving for Amali and was constantly being at-
Cagle put up an ad on Craigslist for little people to dress like elves for a Christmas themed pub crawl he was hosting. He received several responses and was thrilled. But one in particular wasn’t quite what he was looking for. “Will this be filmed and shown online?” “She thought it was a gang bang!” He quickly told her he wasn’t looking for that line of work and shut off all modes of communication. Lorel George a lady came to the stage. “My digital life showed me how much of an asshole I really am,” George said. George’s co-worker, Susan, was injured at work and was diagnosed with a minor concussion. While Susan was recovering George did Susan’s job. “Let me tell you, I loved her job!” One evening, George received a call from HR asking when Susan will return. Georgehad no idea. Weeks passed and HR continues to call and ask. Out of irritation, George emailed Jessica, a lady in another department about how much HR is calling and she thought Susan wass taking her sweet time recovering or possibly faking it. Calls keep coming and she kept sending emails. Susan returned for her job and called George, angry. She realized she had been emailing Jessica on Susan’s computer and didn’t delete any of the messages.
“The digital world showed me that I am a huge asshole,” George concluded. The final storyteller, Steven S., came to the stage and began his story. He recalls trying Tinder out for the first time. He saw a blonde “beautiful like a barbie doll” and began messaging her. They hit it off and planned to meet up. He took screenshots of her photos and sent them to his brother in law to show him. His brother in law told him to bring her to their next tailgate party. Asking her to join, she quickly agreed. He planned to pick her up from her home in Jenks and go to the tailgating party at the OU vs. Ohio State football game in Norman. He arrived at her door, she opened the door and she looked nothing like her photos. “She was about seventy pounds heavier than I thought” and he was shocked. He said he felt lied to and misled. Although the initial meet was surprising, they still continued their plans. His brother in law was quick to notice: “Looks a little different from the pictures huh?” Steven said he was being a nice guy by taking her out still and snuggling up with her. This wass where the night got interesting. A women in the crowd of the IDL ballroom rose and began yelling at the stage, declaring he was wrong for judging her for her weight. The crowd began to chant “Bring her up! Bring her up!” and she walked onto the stage. She jabbed her finger in his face, screaming, “Oh you’re such a nice guy! How dare you!” and he screamed back “Something happened to you didn’t it?” She continued to tear at his ego and the crowd booed her off stage. Personally, I agree with that girl. She was absolutely right. Someone shouldn’t be defined by their weight. But also, he has every right to be upset because he’d never seen a single full body picture of her, so it is deceiving. That was an exciting end to the Slam. Branda resumed the stage and declared TJ Clark as the winner of tonight’s Story Slam. The Ok, So True Story Slam is the perfect late night event for a Thursday evening. I enjoyed my experience and it was most definitely worth the $5. By far, I enjoyed the winner, TJ Clark’s story the most. He had me ugly laughing and holding my tummy after. If you love a good story, this is the event for you. The next slam is on Thursday October 12th. The theme is “Nemesis.” Relax, sip a boujee drink if you’re of age and enjoy the variety of horrendous, funny and inspiring stories.
“Mr. Burns, a Post-Electric Play” funny if not a little confusing
Theatre Pops’s presentation of the play was wonderfully performed, but the play itself fell short in areas. Brennen Gray Student Writer
Theater Pops presented Anne Washburn’s dark comedy entitled, “Mr. Burns, a PostElectric Play,” in the IDL Ballroom downtown last Friday. The evening began with a unique fusion of an intimate, candlelit table and “Simpsons” themed cocktails being offered at the bar. After everyone took their seats, the play began in the middle of the room on a raised surface, then moved to the front stage for the rest of the performance. IDL proved to be a good venue for an unconventional play. The play itself gave me mixed feelings, although the plot depended on a fascinating and unique premise: a vaguely nuclear
disaster caused the apocalypse, and people started clinging to live-action episodes of “The Simpsons” for entertainment, even using memorized quotes as a type of currency. The beginning, though engaging and wellwritten, started off a little too slow, with dialogue that seemed to go on past due time. The post-apocalyptic setting illustrated by the opening act left nothing to be desired, but it seemed that the first act could have faster pacing in order to create that setting. The narrative and setting were nearly lost in the characters’ need to remember details of a Simpsons episode for a little too long. The second act included fully developed characters, many of which returning from the first act, and surprisingly seamless transition from Armageddon survivors sitting around a campfire to the core of the play’s action. The third act left me a little confused. The depth of the play is unquestionable; it asked many profound questions about the nature of entertainment, the importance of
reality in storytelling and the moral quandaries of clinging to past happenings and cultures past their death. However, the play’s depth and artistic flair seemed to overshadow its entertainment value towards the end. When the characters came in wearing hoods to enact the final version of a “Simpsons” episode reconstructed from various strangers’ memories, it verged on uncomfortable more than intriguing. While the play was fun but not perfect, the acting was superb. Each actor or actress brought out their character perfectly. The rag-tag group of survivors were brought to life in a way that made them seem both real to each other, and real to the audience. The actor playing Mr. Burns at the end exuded everything brilliantly maniacal, frighteningly true and sadly accurate. His laughing haunted me and his singing enraptured me. I was very impressed with their work. Another positive attribute of the play lies in their references to “The Simpson.” No one
has to be more than vaguely familiar with the show. While true fans may get a few hidden references, anybody who has never seen a single episode all the way through could still enjoy the play. Given that the play was set in the future and spread out over three different times, it seems that another layer of the play was simply the timelessness of the cartoon family itself. The play specifically referenced a single episode that most of the audience probably had never seen, yet the material seemed quite accessible. It gives a testament for the persistence of “The Simpsons” in American pop culture. At the end of the night, though I found a few things I did not enjoy in the play, the experience was a great one. Theater Pops did not disappoint: a different play could indeed showcase their talent to its fullest. I sincerely look forward to their next performance, “Assassins,” which runs from Feb. 8–18, 2018.
Kogonada’s feature-length debut “Columbus” a nice surprise “Columbus” subverts the stereotypes found in small films about small places, providing a genuinely enjoyable experience. Nathan Gibbons Student Writer “Columbus” is one of the best movies of its kind. It’s a personal character-driven drama that isn’t overdone or dumbed down with a feel good narrative. It’s artful and open for analyzation and interpretation without being pretentious. For those who are interested in this sort of thing, I recom-
mend you see “Columbus” before reading the slight spoilers that follow. One of the opening scenes lays the foundation for the rest of the film. While on break at their library, Rory Culkin’s and Haley Lu Richardson’s characters discuss the ‘diminishing attention span’ argument. Culkin invents a father who can give his attention to his books for hours but is bored by his son’s video games in minutes. The son can do the opposite. The problem may not be attention spans, Culkin argues, but a conflict of interests. Maybe those interests are taking our attention away from the things that matter. Take Jin for example. His father is a renowned scholar of architecture, a subject
Jin has little interest in. A year after they’ve stopped speaking to one another, Jin is forced to fly to Columbus, Ohio, to be by his father’s side after he collapses before a lecture. The city is a “Mecca” of sorts for architectural enthusiasts, and Jin is frustrated to find himself in the middle of it. The greatest gift of this movie is the strength of its two main characters. Jin is a professional translator with no love for his work. Casey is passionate about architecture, but has renounced much of her ambition to be a professional in order to stay with her mother. After she and Jin meet, something draws each to learn from the other. John Cho, known for “Harold and Kumar”
and the “Star Trek” series, plays Jin with surprising subtlety. Casey, played wonderfully by Richardson, is a genuinely interesting small-town character. A cynic could try and find some cliches in her design, but the movie gives her more than enough originality. Surprisingly, this is director Kogonada’s first feature length film. I say surprisingly because the cinematography is so beautiful at times. The makers of ‘Columbus’ may not actually have an obsession with architecture, but the movie’s characters do. Kogonada and crew convince you it’s worthy of their interests and your attention.
Variety
18 September 2017
The Collegian: 9
“Creations in Studio K” a varied, enjoyable experience This year’s rendition of “Creations in Studio K” had all-female choreographers who each gave programs that told their own stories. Ethan Veenker Variety Editor
Studio K at Tulsa Ballet was small, selfdescribed as intimate and certainly that last Friday night. Three hundred chairs all a stone’s throw from the stage, every seat was the best seat in the house. Before the night’s program, “Creations in Studio K,” began, a dimly lit red curtain hid the stage from us with only Tulsa Ballet’s Instagram handle on it, @tulsaballet. At some point the lights finally dimmed and the smooth sound of crowd chatter dissipated. A man walked onstage in front of the curtain, introducing himself as managing director Scott Black. He welcomed and thanked the crowd, thanked a few foundations who’d made donations to Tulsa Ballet and wished us a good experience as he stepped off stage and the curtains parted to show us the first part of “Creations in Studio K.” “Creations in Studio K” is really a conglomerate program of sorts, hosting three separate programs by three different choreographers. It’s hosted annually, 2017 being its 11th year. This year’s “Creations in Studio K” is unique for having all-female choreographers and costume designers. This quality has been a major selling point for the program, as it is apparently a rare occurrence. In a letter of sorts to the audience found within the program’s brochure, Tulsa Ballet artistic director Marcello Angelini says of “Creation in Studio K” that “the emotional charge of each and every work on stage, their individual and cumulative intensity and the depth of emotion displayed by all three dances depict, define and epitomize female choreographers.” The night’s first program was “Shibuya Blues,” choreographed by Annabelle Lopez Ochoa, followed by “Meðal (Among),” choreographed by Helen Pickett and concluded with “If,” choreographed by Young Soon Hue. Shibuya Blues “Shibuya Blues,” a program in four parts, began with “The Outsider,” where a spotlight shined on a lone woman clad in gray, looking down and facing away from the crowd. Typical city sounds, voices and songs played as she stood, dejected, and a number of men and women, all clad in blue, pass her by. One of them shoulder-bumped her, and the group of blues started to crowd around and surround her. A man ran through the crowd and grabbed her for a moment, lifting her and setting her back down, and the performance began in earnest. A chilling, distorted electronic soundtrack began playing, and the group of blues started dancing with hypnotic, robotic movements. They at times surrounded the lone gray and at other times moved away from her, as if she bore no interest with them. The lone gray seemed desperate, running around and trying to replicate or join in with them, but she was repeatedly ignored. Classic serendipity was practiced as the viewer’s eyes were dragged from one group’s set to another’s as the lone gray ran between them all, trying to find a way in. Finally, the group of blues formed a line and the lone gray ran down it, dragging her hand across each person where they seem to break down like robots. All but two of them leapt off the stage, and the two that remained, a man and woman, crowded around the lone gray as the music faded. Next began the second part, “First Duet,” where the haunting electronics were replaced with a string-heavy, plucky arrangement. The two blues that had been crowding the lone gray now danced together while she stood off to the side, watching, observing, at times moving furtively around them. The duet was impressive, the dancers’ movements fluid and their ability to hoist one another around impressive. It felt sensual, if not vaguely distant. It was hard to remove the robotic image from earlier as the two
danced in front of us like humans. When their duet ended and the walked off stage, the lone gray nearly followed them out before another two blue dancers jumped in and began performing “Second Duet.” It was much the same, but the lone gray was far more involved this time. She danced with the man, seemingly just out of sight of the blue woman, and moments of scorn passed between the blue couple. They appeared to simulate a relationship of sorts with a few rough periods. Perhaps we were witnessing a stint of infidelity The lone gray surrounded by the group of blues in “Shibuya Blues.” when the lone gray and the something else. blue man “secretly” danced together? As the At one point, a group formed in the corduet closed, the lone gray left the stage with ner of the stage to observe a duet between the dancers. two of the dancers, something that seemed “Gray Couple” kicked off with a fast innocent and a little sad in the previous propaced, orchestral soundtrack. The whole gram, but that now felt dirty and voyeuristic. ensemble of blues from the first scene were Though the dancers in the duet moved more now back onstage, and the lone gray came fluidly now, they still retained some charm back in between them, now seeming to sucthat kept them looking under the influence cessfully replicate and join in with their of whatever was “controlling” all the dancdances. I found myself fearing for her iners. Their movements felt a bit “off,” and dividuality. I thought that at any moment not in a technically unimpressive way but in she would rip off her gray clothing to reveal a well-acted, well-performed way. blue underneath, and that then she’d be just The performance ended the same way it another cog in the machine. That thankfully began, with someone behind the backdrop didn’t happen, because despite her better slamming their torso against it like some cry attempts at blending in with the blues she for help. The audience could only see a dark still ended up an outsider, and when they all silhouette and the ripples along the sheet as stood at attention around her, looking away the curtains closed. Choreographer Helen and standing next to their respective partPickett appeared onstage to bow with all the ners, she seemed more lost than ever. dancers. Yet suddenly, a man clad in gray walked Pickett’s blurb about her program in the onstage. They looked up and found each othbrochure was a bit shorter, reading simply er and started dancing slowly, more slowly “To live peacefully among each other, surand more sensually than any choreography rounded by one another, despite differing we’d yet seen on stage. The blues slinked views and practices: Coexistence.” She then away as the two grays danced together, and listed Icelandic composer Jóhann Jóhannson the curtain closed. as the inspiration for the “title and the esThe dancers all bowed onstage with the sence of this piece,” and she dedicates it to a choreographer, Annabelle Lopez Ochoa, Clemens Sippel. and the costume designer, Danielle Truss. As the second intermission began and In the program brochure, Ochoa provides the lights turned back on, I couldn’t help a poem to go with “Shibuya Blues.” Called but feel there was some overarching meta“City of Light,” by Scarlett Treat, it goes phor I’d missed in the program. Was there a “This city, this monster, created by man deeper dichotomy between the lead dancer himself, / Ingests me, swallows me and spits (whom I previously described as a second me out. / No sun, no moon, no stars… / Only “loner”) and the rest of the inhumanlythe glitter of streetlights casting / A tiny pool moving dancers? What was really causing of light which serves no purpose.” all of their alien twitchings, their crawls on the floor and their twisting of limbs? Maybe Meðal (Among) it all went over my head, but it was damn The next program, “Meðal (Among),” fun to watch and was the most engrossing wasn’t split into scenes (although it cerperformance of the night. tainly had distinct “parts”). It was by far the most avant-garde performance of the If night, if I can even use that term correctly The final program of the night, “If,” rein regards to ballet. The soundtrack, like the turned to a multipart format with five scenes. previous program, combined the classical It painted a story, much like the night’s first and the electronic, but all at once instead of program, but in a way that put the story in parts. Booming, drawn-out notes of pure above all else, I feel. The soundtrack and
“...their movements can only be described as inhuman throughout the performance.” bass rattled the theater with an incessant plucking and striking of strings alongside accompanied the opening moments of the performance. Use of the stage’s backdrop was made, with hands reaching up and distorted by light into slender, spindly shapes that reached for the ceiling. There was again a “loner” of sorts, but the emphasis wasn’t as clearly placed as the first program’s. Speaking of the dancers, their movements can only be described as inhuman throughout the performance, and not in the robotic way as the previous program’s. They were sharp and erratic. Their legs lunged outward as their necks snapped back. Even when standing still, some appendage was always shaking or rotating in some way. It looked as if they were puppets, being poorly controlled by some amateur puppeteer. It gave the audience the vibe that the dancers in front of them were all unwilling and are all in some turmoil of sorts; it seemed to be implied that they were all being controlled by
The “daughter” and her black-coat boyfriend in their duet from “If.”
courtesy Francisco Esteves
choreography didn’t stand out to me as much as the events of the story did. The first part, “Draw Breath,” was simple enough. The curtain opened to reveal a man and a woman dancing lovingly to foreboding music. This went on for awhile, in a fashion that I can’t describe better than graceful, before a second man came onstage and, quite literally, snatched the woman away. She began dancing with the new man, but seemed unwilling and acted more as an instrument than a dance partner. The first man swung around in anger, slashing his arms this way and that, storming about the stage while the woman looked on longingly. After a bit of this, the dancers left the stage. The second part, “Out of Breath,” seemed to show some greaser-esque conflict between two groups. One group wore only black coats, and the other only white coats. They were all open, displaying their bare chests beneath. Throughout the tug-of-war type conflict between the two groups, a black-coat boy and white-coat girl seemed to fall in love, until by the end of the program they were dancing together while their respective group members looked on, presumably frozen in shock. As part three, “Family,” began, most of the dancers from the previous part left the stage except for the two lovers and one random black-coat dancer. A family walked on stage, complete with a husband, a wife and what appeared to be a daughter. They danced in unison, firm and stiff, without much emotion (though this was intentional). The white-coat lover took great interest in the family, refusing to move until the blackcoat lover dragged her offstage. Suddenly, the daugher of the family broke away and ran to the random black-coat standing off to the side, and after staring at him for several minutes they start dancing themselves and appear to fall in love. During the minutes in which they stared at each other, the husband and wife began
courtesy Francisco Esteves
dancing more erratically, and with more emotion. They were fighting, it looked like. He kept bending down to dust the floor in front of him, painting him as some anal-retentive character that was constantly ignoring his wife, who was jumping all around him, sliding between his legs and yelling at him, seeming to vie for his attention. It gave the idea that the daughter was the only thing holding the family together, and her absence allowed an overflow of emotions. Eventually the daughter returned to the family with her black-coat boyfriend. They changed his outfit and stood in a line, staring at the audience as a new family unit. The audience might wonder, “Is everything ok now? She’s back, are the problems fixed?” As the husband brought his arm around the wife, she slipped from his grasp and moved deep backstage before hopping off. It seemed things weren’t okay. The rest of the dancers took their leave. The next part, “Last Breath,” was the most chaotic and hard-to-follow. Almost all the characters from each part made appearances. It started, however, with a new character, a woman, running from droves of shirtless men. As this went down, the husband and wife reappeared, and it appeared that he tried attacking her. The daughter and her black-coat boyfriend came back, and the four stood again as a family unit from which the wife didn’t escape this time. Had she been subjugated back into the family? Or was this a dream sequence of sorts? The white-coat lover from “Out of Breath” appeared back onstage with her black-coat lover, and though he tried to drag her away again she broke off, embracing the family and forcing herself in between them. The black-coat lover looked on, frozen with a sadness that each member of the audience could feel, but the white-coat lover looked happy as she could be. It’s clear that some desire for a family pervaded her character. Finally, in what appeared to be a nearseamless transition to the final part, “Before Six,” the man from the very first part returned, as did the woman and her new man. The new man and the woman still danced stiffly together, though she seemed to move a bit more this time. She still stared longingly at the first man, however, and he still thrashed in anger. But the new woman who had been fleeing droves of men in “Last Breath” suddenly ran onstage, and the original man spotted her. Suddenly, he had a new woman, and they danced onstage in their own duet. All of the other characters left the stage, followed lastly by the first woman, now making a slow and sulky walk, stealing one last glance over her shoulder before disappearing backstage as the man and his new woman act out their love story and dance until the curtains close. As with the rest of the performances, the choreographer, Young Soon Hue, came out and bowed with the dancers. Her blurb in the brochure is a bit too long to quote in full, but the jist involves the “if” questions that people have in their lives when they think back on past choices and relationships. “We all have moments in our lives when we question ourselves and our past, and wonder what could have been. … The five scenes of this ballet tell a story while exploring this theme; we see individuals making choices and wondering how their lives could have been different. While we may never know all the possible outcomes of our lives, we remain connected to other people through our choices, and like a circle, life goes on.” “Creations in Studio K,” altogether, was an engrossing experience. The dancers put on amazing performances, and the stories were told well enough that I literally found myself on the edge of my seat at times. For the brief moments of dance that lacked a soundtrack, the organic noises made by the dancers as they grunted and inhaled sharply added a new level of genuineness to the performance. They were giving it their all out there, and it showed. It was a wonderful performance, and as I walked away that night I thought to myself that I was now a fan of ballet. “Creations in Studio K” will run until September 24, with performances on Sep. 21, 22, 23 and 24. Next in Tulsa Ballet’s 2017/18 season is “Don Quxiote,” which will be performed November 3–5 at the Tulsa Performing Arts Center.
The State-Run Media
18 September 2017
the
State-Run media Your mom reads the Collegian
Google releases new “MomMode” in latest update
The State-Run gives you the latest on Google’s newest feature, a setting that converts run-on sentences into search terms. Sam Harrell Needs to call his mother
It’s been a slow week for the tech industry recently, not one American multinational technology company has released even a single overpriced smartphone with a nonphonetic name and no home button anymore for some reason. However, there was one big announcement this past Tuesday. Google has just come out with a new update that has millions of internet users raving: “Mom-Mode”. “Mom-Mode” manifests itself as a button underneath the “Google Search” and “I’m Feeling Lucky” buttons, replacing those pesky charity donation links. Upon activating Mom Mode, all font sizes will become 200 percent larger, the Google logo will become either an inspirational quote or joke about wine and the screen will turn a warm summer color. But the main operation of the new setting is its search function. With every search, all run-on sentences are shortened to tangible search terms. Say it’s Memorial Day, and your mom is trying to whip up some of her world famous pecan sandy ice cream muffin brownies, and you know these are just the best dang pecan sandy ice cream muffin brownies that anyone’s ever tasted, like she won the blue ribbon at the Pecan Sandy Ice Cream Muffin Brownie Contest at the state fair 5 years running, and you just gotta have one but the old knob on your mom’s vintage baking oven is stuck again. If it isn’t fixed and you don’t have those pecan sandy ice cream muffin brownies, your Memorial Day cookout is going to be at least 15 times less American. All your mom can do is google “my 1958 vintage GE baking oven that i got at a yard sale in Tucson is stuck have tried all methods of greasing it wd40 vegetable oil water nothing works please help” and we all know that with all those terms in there,
your poor mama is gonna be stuck wading through millions of videos and blog posts that have absolutely nothing to do with her predicament. This was the main concern Google programmers had while developing the Mom Mode feature. “We as a country can’t keep letting these kinds of things get in the way of our mothers.” says Joseph Hollister, the lead developer on the MM project. “Between stuck oven knobs, tvs that won’t turn on and cars that are starting to ‘feel funny’, I don’t know how our moms even have time to sleep! And frankly, I’m disgusted by the lack of concern our society has for our mothers these days. Kids just running around, breaking things and being horrible, and instead of fixing their messes they just sit around and stare at memes while moms are left to deal with their shit. And the worst of it is, Google is the main plug for these kids’ dank memes. When I realized the part we played in all this, I knew something had to be done. That’s when the idea for Mom Mode was born.” Hollister says the days of things breaking and kids being bloodthirsty vermin will never cease, but with Mom Mode, mother’s will no longer have as hard of a time dealing with them. Now, with the click of a button, those long and cumbersome mom searches will be reduced to no more than two or three keywords. The MM algorithm erases all adjectives, adverbs, helping verbs, pronouns, articles, and anything on the other side of a conjunction or punctuation mark. It also features an advanced safe search feature that compiles recent news articles and cross references the content with NSFW information and determines if certain searches would be too vulgar for a mother’s eyes. For example, a search beginning with “ Ted Cruz twitter” would result in the immediate cancellation of the search and forced shut down of the computer. Mom Mode is expected to save mother’s an average of 200 hours per week searching the internet. Leaving them more time to send long run-on texts and voicemails instead.
Former popular high school girl confused by lack of attention
Freshman Becca Channing sues TU because she hasn’t gotten enough attention. Sara Serrano Was not popular in high school
Four weeks into her first semester in college, student Becca Channing’s initial confusion over her lack of immediate popularity has transformed into outright bewilderment and indignation. “At first, I thought everybody was being coy, ya know, pretending like they didn’t know who I was or maybe just too shy to approach me.” Channing explains. “But we’re a month in now and it’s sort of getting ridiculous!” In evidence for her outrage, Channing provided her resume: • Farwell High School class of 2017 graduate • Senior Homecoming Queen • Senior Prom Queen • Varsity Pom Squad Captain • Voted Most Likely to Marry a Celeb • Three-Year Girlfriend of the Quarterback • And pretty loyal too • Has nice hair “As anyone with eyeballs can clearly see, I am almost overqualified to be popular! I’m pretty sure that’s the whole reason I got accepted here anyway! Why isn’t it happening?” Channing is correct. Her credentials are very impressive. “I stand around before class and no one comes to hand me the finished homework! I sit at an empty table in the Caf and there aren’t so many people trying to join me that
I have to turn most of them away!” Channing wipes a tear from her eye. “I’ve gotten so desperate, I chilled by the goalposts on the football field in booty shorts, like I used to when I dated Chad, and I just got told to leave! It’s so totally not fair! I mean, I’m walking around campus, looking hot as hell, and I don’t have to slap the boys away! Why can’t things be like they used to?” With her grades, love life and mental health suffering from these developments, Channing is planning to sue the University for damages. Her lawyer has released this statement: “Miss Channing will not stand to be ignored by her peers. The emotional toll on her psyche that this has caused her is irreversible and she will be duly compensated for it.” “Like, what do you mean I have to try out for things?” remarked Channing. “Normally people just drop nominations for president and team captain in my lap; it’s too hard now!” Lawyers from the University of Tulsa have refused to issue an official statement in regards to the lawsuit, but have promised to assist Channing in gaining back her popularity if she agrees to settle out of court, saying: “TU realizes that transitioning from high school to college can be a very difficult process for some and will do everything in its power to assist Miss Channing and any other student that is struggling.” “Ugh, why did I even leave high school? When you graduate, they never tell you that everything’s going to change!” The preliminary hearing is set for December. Time will tell if these charges will stand.
Beta version of Google’s “Mom-Mode”
graphic by Adam Lux
Can the State-Run guess your major? This short quiz can, with 95.7 percent accuracy, guess the major of ANY student at the University of Tulsa. Sam Harrell Actual Psychic
1. How many hours do you have this semester? a) 15 b) 18 c) 20 d) I don’t sleep 2. How many hours a week do you spend working on academia outside of class? a) 6-10 b) 10-15 c) 15-20 d) I still don’t sleep 3. Which math class did you take as a freshman? a) Calc 1 b) Discrete Math c) Pre Intro to Basic Geometry d) Algebra 4. Have you taken any of these block courses? (circle all that apply) a) Aesthetic Inquiry & Creative Experience
b) That one where you draw fountains or something c) Velcro and Its Impact on the French and Indian War d) Intro to Trees 5. What drugs are you on right now? a) Ibuprofen b) Ritalin c) Steroids d) Highlighter fumes 6. Where do you hang out the most on campus? a) Club Mabee b) My dorm c) President Clancy’s office d) The nearest dark corner 7. How strong is your grip on reality? a) Pretty solid, I guess b) What is reality anyway? c) This isn’t real, nothing is real! Open your eyes moron! d) Intro to Trees Results: Mostly A’s: Petroleum Engineering Mostly B’s: Petroleum Engineering Mostly C’s: Petroleum Engineering Mostly D’s: Petroleum Engineering
Channing after a guy walked past her without checking her out.
courtesy Pixabay