The Collegian: 2
Sports
14 January 2019
Golden Hurricane handed double losses
Editor-in-Chief Justin Guglielmetti covers Tulsa’s basketball games against Cincinnati and Southern Methodist, respectively. If somebody had told you that the Tulsa men’s basketball team would out-rebound a significantly larger Cincinnati team, record more assists and shoot 60 percent from three-point range, the smart money would have been on the Golden Hurricane winning handily. But that information wouldn’t account for the flurry of turnovers, missed free throws and clutch plays made against them down the stretch, as the Bearcats triumphed 70-65. Cane Broome came off the bench to lead Cincinnati with 16 points and six assists, including his team’s last 14 points of regulation. Jarron Cumberland and Keith Williams added 14 points each. For the Golden Hurricane, DaQuan Jeffries led the way with 14 points on perfect shooting from the field, despite playing only 26 minutes due to foul trouble. Jeriah Horne and Elijah Joiner contributed as well with quality performances off the bench, though it wasn’t enough to compensate for the team’s 22 turnovers or 30 percent shooting from the starters other than Jeffries. The Bearcats came out making excellent use of their trademark aggressiveness and physicality, swallowing up Tulsa drives and cutting off passing lanes. The first 10 minutes of the game were marked with sloppy turnovers and aborted possessions ending in tough looks, and despite Cincinnati missing some easy shots, they held a 21-11 lead with just under seven minutes to go in the half. Tulsa was able to regroup behind the efforts of Horne and Joiner, and TU managed to pull within two at halftime. Tulsa came out of the locker room playing off a raucous crowd and moving the ball with more purpose, and an 11-2 spurt capped by back-to-back three pointers from Curran Scott tied the ballgame at 32. From that point on, it was the Golden Hurricane setting the pace of the game, extending the lead to as high as six after back-toback threes by Lawson Korita. Undeterred, Broome was able to overcome that deficit on his own with just over a minute left in the game. After a few crucial missed free throws from Tulsa, Broome hit a contested deep two with his foot on the line to send the game to OT. Jeffries won the tip in OT against seven-footer Nysier Brooks and proceeded to knock down a three, but Cincinnati was able to rattle off a quick 11-2 run to seal the victory. Cumberland led the way with six in the
extra period, silencing the student section that had mocked him relentlessly after two first-half airballs. Facing a hangover from the difficult loss, Tulsa fell way short in their following game Saturday against SMU, as the Mustangs trampled the Golden Hurricane en route to a 77-57 victory. The contest was a blowout almost from the start, only looking close for a few minutes after the start of the second half when TU was able to pull within six points. A few possessions and a barrage of three-pointers later, the game was totally out of reach. Jahmal McMurray looked like Kemba Walker dancing his way to a game-high 22 points on what seemed like a dozen stepback threes. He was joined in double figures by center Ethan Chargois (a Tulsa native) with 18 points and Jimmy Whitt, a 6’3” toothpick who pulled down 10 boards and four assists to go along with his 10 points. Jeriah Horne almost single-handedly kept the Golden Hurricane competitive in the first half, coming off the bench to contribute 11 of his 14 points. Aside from him, it was missed shot after missed shot and frustrating passivity from Sterling Tapin, Martins Igbanu and Jeffries. Everyone took turns missing rotations in the vaunted matchup zone, exposing holes in the defense for runways to the rim and wide-open perimeter looks. It was an embarrassing effort from a team that badly needed a win to maintain pace with the top teams in the American Conference and keep its slim March Madness hopes alive. Winning 10 games in the non-conference schedule had hopes running high for a Tulsa team that was projected by almost all major publications to finish in the bottom half of the AAC. Early in the season, it looked like Frank Haith’s squad would once again find a way to exceed expectations, continuing to find their way to the line at an elite rate and fluster opponents with the matchup zone. But cracks are forming at the seams. TU faces the unenviable situation of fielding a roster of mostly undersized and unimpressive athletes (with the exception of Jeffries and seldom-used Chris Barnes). This isn’t a problem on its own, but it makes the margins of error so much narrower across the board. The team can’t afford Korita and Scott’s streakiness and out-of-control, turnover-prone drives, or Taplin’s regression to his pre-2017-18 timidity, or Igbanu disap-
pearing at the mere hint of a double team in the post. Everyone needs to do a better job boxing out and pursuing the ball. It’s not enough to blame rebounding woes on being undersized, not when similarly-sized SMU was able to top Tulsa 44-29 on the glass (including a backbreaking 15-7 on the offensive boards). It’s not time to despair yet, not this early in the conference season and not with the cushion that the team’s strong early performance gave them. But time is running out and adjustments need to be made. What those look like exactly is a tactical problem
best left to Haith and the coaching staff, but off the top of my head, I’d like to see more minutes for Horne and a greater variety of offensive sets. The current motion-based, perimeter-handoff style dependent on welltimed backdoor cuts isn’t producing good enough looks with this personnel. Taplin looking to drive and dish and Horne (a gifted shooter and above-average passer) acting as the screener in a basic pick-and-pop would be a start.
photos by Dalton Stewart
14 January 2019
Sports
The Collegian: 3
Clemson thrashes Alabama College football writer Lindsey Prather details Clemson’s decisive 44-16 victory in the CFC.
Sterling Taplin looks to pass against SMU (above) as the raucous student section cheers him on (below).
The Clemson Tigers topped off a perfect season with a complete shellacking of the Alabama Crimson Tide, winning 44-16 late Jan. 7, in the process handing Nick Saban the worst loss he has experienced in his nearly 12 years at Alabama. Clemson played a nearly-perfect game, with freshman quarterback Trevor Lawrence throwing 20/32 for 347 yards and 3 TD with no interceptions. Meanwhile, the Clemson defense terrorized Heisman-runner up Tua Tagovailoa and his comrades from the very beginning with an early picksix, a later interception that eventually led to a touchdown and numerous close calls and three-and-outs. This was an absolutely humiliating game for Alabama. Clemson controlled nearly every aspect of the game; they punished every mistake made by the Tide, and by doing so managed to bury the team that was ranked #1 for the entirety of the 2018 season. The baffling part was how absolutely clueless Alabama looked, despite having played Clemson in two of the previous three national championship games. Saban’s team rarely, if ever, has games as bad as this one. It would be completely foolish to say that Alabama would have won if a few plays would have gone differently. Tagovailoa’s two interceptions were a result of great plays by a great defense, but they were also terrible throws and reads on his part. Tagovailoa still finished with 295 yards passing, though he was replaced in the fourth quarter by his backup and previous starter Jalen Hurts after his focus and poise was shattered by the Clemson defense. Of course, Alabama’s horrible performance is not only on Tua. Alabama was uncharacteristically sloppy with ball security (two fumbles, losing none) and penalties (six penalties for 60 yards).
photos by Dalton Stewart
Additionally, another factor was Alabama’s typical kicking woes that paired unfavorably with some unusually peculiar decisions by Saban. Saban decided to fake a field goal attempt, all while using his kicker as a lead blocker. This game seemed out-of-control for the Tide from the very beginning. Sabancoached teams are rarely outmatched, and it is even rarer that they are out-coached. Both of these things happened in the National Championship. What’s next for both of these teams? Alabama is going to remain dominant. This game is a minor bump in the road for a program that consistently attracts top-tier talent and continues to have some of the best coaches in college football. However, perhaps this game will serve as a lesson for the Crimson Tide. Alabama rarely has any challenges during the regular season; the Tide is notorious for an unbelievably easy out-ofconference schedule, as well as a relatively easy division. Although it facilitates their high rankings during the regular season, a team that is complacent and reassured of their own greatness every week is going to be vulnerable to games against better teams in the postseason. A prime example of this is their game against Clemson. For Clemson, Lawrence has given himself some big shoes to fill. Ideally, he can replicate the successes he has had this season and continue to develop. Lawrence has proven himself to be more than capable, and the only question remaining is whether he can consistently be successful independent of his supporting cast. If Clemson can continue its defensive domination, it could very easily find itself in the College Football Playoff again next year under the leadership of Lawrence.
graphic by Conner Maggio
Japan and Russia hold figure skating nationals Figure skating expert Hannah Robbins discusses the results of the first two national championships and the surprising teams we will see at the next few competitions. After the conclusion of the Grand Prix Series, skaters compete in the most important competition of their season — their country’s national championship. These competitions determine who will represent their home nation in major international competitions like the European Championships, The Four Continents Championships (skaters from every continent besides Europe compete here), World Championships and, this year, the World Team Trophy. Skaters can’t afford to have a bad night! The first of the major national championships was the Japanese National Championships held in Osaka, Japan, and it brought surprises, returns to skating and unexpected national teams. Yuzuru Hanyu was missing from the men’s field, but that doesn’t mean that the competition was lacking. Shoma Uno surged to a gold, winning by almost 50 points. The race for the rest of the podium was closer, with Daisuke Takahashi, the 2010 Olympic bronze medalist who returned from retirement this season, edging out Keiji Tanaka who claimed the bronze. Kazuki Tomono, the Rostelecom Cup bronze medalist, just missed out on the podium. In the ladies competition, it was Kaori Sakamoto, who was second in both the short and free programs, that ended on top by five points. Rika Kihira, the first-year senior who won the Grand Prix Final, had a weak short program, ending in fifth after falling on her triple axel, but rose to first in the free program to finish second overall. Satoko Miyahara started with a strong first place finish in the short program, but jumping trouble toward the end of her free program led to a fourth place finish and third place overall. Mai Mihara placed third in both the short and free to end in fourth place overall. In the pairs competition, Miu Suzaki/ Ryuichi Kihara started in first after the short program, and a withdrawal of Riku Mirua/
Shoya Ichihash before the free led to Suzaki/Kihara ending in first by default. In the ice dance competition, Misato Komatsubara/Timothy Koleto surpassed the rest of the field by 30 points, while Kiria Hirayama/Axel Lamasse surged to finish second after a struggle in the rhythm dance. Mio Iida/Kenta Ishibashi ended in third by a mere two points. Team Japan for the rest of the 2018-2019 season ended almost predictably. For the Four Continents Competition, Japan sent Uno, Tanaka and Tomono for the men, Sakamoto, Kihira and Mihara for the ladies, Suzaki/Kihara for pairs and Komatsubara/ Koleto for ice dance. For World Championships, Japan sent Hanyu, Uno and Tanaka for men, Sakamoto, Kihira and Miyahara for ladies, Suzaki/Kihara for pairs and Komatsubara/Koleto for ice dance. It is common for Japan to send slightly lower-ranked skaters to the Four Continents Competition, leaving the stronger skaters who might have placed third or fourth, to rest and focus on the World Championships. Takahashi was offered a place on the team but declined, citing a need to renew his mental focus and wanting to give younger skaters a chance. The other championship going on at the same time, Russian Nationals, had very interesting results. In most national championships, junior skaters that are of age to compete at a senior level for the national championship but are not competing as a senior in international competition will compete in their nation’s senior national championships. A good performance might lead to a stronger likelihood of earning a Junior Grand Prix spot or even Senior Grand Prix placing next year. Usually they don’t medal, but as we all know, everything’s a bit different in Russia. In the men’s competition, Maxim Kovtun returned to the national stage with significantly more grace than last season by plac-
ing first in the short and free programs to win the title. Mikhail Kolyada trailed him; he suffered a fall in the free but managed to beat Alexander Samarin by three points. Andrei Lazukin finished fourth after a fifth place finish in the short and sixth place in the long. Dmitri Aliev surged back from an eighth place finish in the short with a fourth place finish in the free to end in fifth place. In the ladies competition, the juniors stole the show, and the competition was so close that second through fifth place in the short program was separated by less than one point. Anna Shcherbakova placed first overall, with a strong performance in the short that landed her in fifth. Placing first in the free, she edged out Alexandra Trusova, the Russian quad queen, by seven tenths of a point. Alena Kostornaia rounded out the top three with a solid third place in both the short and the free, and placed 14 points above the fourth place finisher. Alina Zagitova seemed to hold her own in the short program, finishing in first by six points, but placed 12th in the free program after two falls. This left her in fifth place overall. Stanislava Konstantinova, Grand Prix Helsinki silver medalist behind Zagitova, managed to end the highest of any Russian senior skater after placing fourth in the short. Popping jumps in the free, she placed fourth overall while Sofia Samodurova ended in sixth overall after placing sixth in both the short and free program. Evgenia Medvedeva placed seventh overall after placing 14th in the disastrous short but rebounding to fourth in the free program to end four points away from a spot on the national team. In the pairs competition, Evgenia Tarasova/Vladimir Morozov finished in first after a solid set of programs, while Natalia Zabiiako/Alexander Enbert trailed them by a mere six points to grab the silver. Aleksandra Boikova/Dmitrii Kozlovsky were 10
points behind with a solid set of programs to earn them the bronze medal. In the ice dance competition, Victoria Sinitsina/Nikita Katsalapov reminded everyone why they ended second in the Grand Prix Final, winning both the short and free programs to grab the gold medal by four points. Alexandra Stepanova/Ivan Bukin finished with the silver after a pair of solid programs while Sofia Evdokimova/Egor Bazin grabbed the bronze after improving from their fourth place short program result. Tiffani Zagorski/Jonathan Guerreiro ended in seventh after a strong third place short program and a seventh place free program that was full of lower level elements and negative Grade of Execution scores. Russia doesn’t announce their Worlds Team until after Europeans, so only their assignments for Europeans are available. For the ladies, Konstantinova, Zagitova and Samodurova would compete, with Tuktamysheva (who was hospitalized with pneumonia and unable to compete in nationals) and Medvedeva as reserves. This is interesting, as it is the first time Medvedeva will not compete after a national championship, and since all three podium finishers were juniors, they could not compete as seniors for Europeans. For men, Russia selected Kovtun, Kolyada and Samarin with Lazukin, Aliev and Sergei Voronov, who had previously withdrawn from Russian Nationals due to a knee injury, named alternates. Russia selected Tarasova/Morozov, Zabiiako/Enbert and Boikova/Kozlovsky for pairs and Sinitsina/ Katsalapov, Stepanova/Bukin, Evdokimova/Bazin with alternates Betina Popova/ Sergey Mozgov, Anastasia Skoptsova/Kirill Aleshin and Zagorski/Guerreiro. If the rest of the national championships continue to have results like these, this year’s World Championships will be very different from years past.
Sports
The Collegian: 4
14 January 2019
Chelsea shells out $73 million for Pulisic Soccer journalist Andrew Noland weighs the risks of the Premier League football club’s decision to acquire the American prodigy and how the move will affect the sport. Last week, English Premier League club Chelsea bought American wunderkind Christian Pulisic from Borussia Dortmund. In a startling $73 million transfer, a record for an American player, the 20-year-old winger will remain loaned to Dortmund until the end of the season, thus keeping Pulisic to contribute to Dortmund’s remarkable season. The Schwarzgelben have earned 42 points to launch themselves to the top of the Bundesliga table in 17 games and are six points clear of perennial powerhouse Bayern Munich. However, while Americans celebrate the success of the best soccer player heralding from their side of the Atlantic in a generation and the future of the national team, it has raised serious questions about the transfer. Critics have wondered why Chelsea decided to spend such an exorbitant fee on the American. Pulisic lost his place on the starting 11 to Jadon Sancho, an
English sensation and Manchester City academy product, and the American has only given his team one goal and two assists in the Bundesliga. While he’s started every Champions League game, he’s only started five domestically, appeared in only 11 and his production slightly declined from a
financially, on Pulisic providing attacking options on the field and serving as a beacon for a still untapped American market. Pulisic has not retained success at Dortmund this season, many tacticians argue, because Lucien Favre’s counter-attacking strategy does not allow Pulisic to harness his
most embarrassingly, Kevin de Bruyne, Chelsea has the unfortunate reputation of squandering and eventually selling youth talent, only to have those players later play for rivals that smash Chelsea. It remains to be seen whether Sarri will continue that trend. To make things even riskier,
“Critics have wondered why Chelsea decided to spend such an exorbitant fee on the American...” goal-assist average of 0.5 to 0.3. If Chelsea is looking to replace the aging Willian and Pedro, perhaps they could be an outlet for the struggling Malcom at Barcelona, consider a cheaper but riskier option from Fiorentina in Federico Chiesa, or even take a shot on their own youth talent Callum HudsonOdoi. Instead, Chelsea transfer director Marina Granovskaia places her faith, both professionally and
creative potential in the attack. Tuchel’s high pressing system favored Pulisic’s ability to find space. Pulisic’s knack for cutting inside and stretching the channels augments Maurizio Sarri’s possession system in ways that both Pedro and Willian have not. In short, Pulisic is a good fit at Chelsea, assuming his form can continue developing. However, as exemplified with stars like Romelu Lukaku, Mohamed Salah and,
the Chelsea management has effectively ostracized Hudson-Odoi and also sent a clear message to the frustratingly indecisive Eden Hazard: you can take this transfer as either support or as your replacement. However, even if the Belgian superstar decides to stay at Stamford Bridge, and if the upper management abandon the lackluster Olivier Giroud and Alvaro Morata in favor of a consistent striker, Pulisic might not
even round out the best front three in the city of London. In conclusion, the Pulisic transfer is a massive gamble. If the American prodigy can rise to the occasion of playing in the toughest domestic soccer league in the world in the intricate Sarri-ball system, Chelsea has catapulted itself into a title contender for the 2019-2020 season. If not, he will be remembered as a $73 million flop. Management at Stamford Bridge is also betting that they can harness the latent potential of fans across the Atlantic by trumpeting Pulisic as a banner for Chelsea soccer. However, American interest in soccer has never been able to carry past a World Cup, and Chelsea may find itself playing against the odds. Unfortunately, we have to wait until next fall to find out whether Pulisic can justify Chelsea’s move.
graphic by Conner Maggio
Pulisic and the US flag symbolize a possible future American fanbase for the Premier League.
Mourinho canned, Man U fans rejoice
Soccer expert Chris Lierly covers the drama of Manchester United’s much anticipated decision to fire their manager after many months of incompetency. On Dec. 18, Manchester United sacked Portuguese manager Jose Mourinho two days after a 3-1 loss at Anfield against rival Liverpool. The previous month of matches included a loss to Manchester City, a loss to Valencia and draws against Crystal Palace and Arsenal. Long awaited by many a Red Devil faithful, Mourinho’s firing cost the club 18 million ($32mil). The board of United appointed Ole Gunnar Solksjær, a former player for the club, as the caretaker manager until the end of the season. Since the Norwegian manager has taken the helm, United have won four Premier League matches by at least a 2-0 margin. Mourinho stamped his distinct style onto the European continent by winning the Primiera League with Porto, the Premier League with Chelsea, La Liga with Real Madrid and Serie A with Inter Milan. His heavily defensive style that won him title after title was supposed to do the exact same thing at Manchester United, and act as the crowning jewel to an illustrious managerial career. Instead, Mourinho failed to win one
major trophy, and his tenure at Old Trafford proved that the tactical world is changing. Liverpool and Manchester City lead the Premier league with two of the most prolific attacks ever seen, and Mourinho’s park-the-bus strategy could not withstand the relentless pressure of Klopp’s Gegenpress or non-stop passing of Guardiola’s Barca-ball. When confronted over losses to
departure, the new manager, working with the same players, has not had a hard time making up for lost points. United’s record since Mourinho’s sacking is four straight wins, but more important is how they’ve won those games. They won them by good margins, and for the first time since the tenure of Sir Alex Ferguson, the Red Devils truly look like a function-
gitimate threat next year and can play spoiler in their competitions against any team with a shot this season. Additionally, they must play against Paris Saint-Germain in the Champions League, but what would have been a cakewalk for the Parisians with the defensive strategy of Mourinho could prove to be a viable threat if United can translate winning domestic play to the Champions League.
“United fans reacted exuberantly to Jose Mourinho’s exit, but those outside the fan base should as well...” major teams and blunders against smaller ones, Mourinho often pointed out the lack of talent on his team as the primary reason for his squad’s performance. But his statement seems contradictory to the quantity of talent on the roster. Paul Pogba dominated on a French squad that won the World Cup in the kind of attacking midfielder role that Mourinho refused to let him play, and since Mourinho’s
ing team. Pogba, Marcus Rashford and Romelu Lukaku have all scored in the past few games, and unlike the dreadful atmosphere that infected Mourinho’s teams, this squad looks jubilant at every moment. This has all made the last few weeks hopeful for the United faithful. Even though the Premier League is likely out of reach, the Mourinho-less team will be a le-
Mourinho spends his final days with Manchester United in December of 2018.
The key will be keeping Paul Pogba’s incredible talent around past the summer, which seems more likely now that Pogba has won his feud with Mourinho. Additionally, there have been rumors that former Liverpool center mid Philippe Coutinho might make a return to England by moving to Old Trafford in the summer. No one wanted on the sinking ship a few months ago, but now
United looks to be a better destination for players who like offensive gameplay. United fans reacted exuberantly to Jose Mourinho’s exit, but those outside the fan base should as well. For those who support other Premier League teams, the Premier League looks best when its biggest franchise is playing at its best. A strong United makes for a stronger English League. For all fans, the departure of Mourinho’s style from tactical world is an accomplishment. This era has been defined by revolutionary and beautiful styles that maintain tactical stability. Instead, Mourinho opted for an old, worn out way of playing the game —; a way that reinforces the stereotypes of soccer’s critics that the game is boring and low intensity. He also wasted parts of otherwise incredible careers for Alexi Sanchez, Pogba, Lukaku and Rashford by forcing these high scoring players into a sheltered system. His sacking will be celebrated by the Red Devil faithful until the end of time, but the rest of the soccer world should take happiness away from this as well.
courtesy Daily Express
Sports
The Collegian: 5
14 January 2019
Figure Skating Grand Prix series finishes
Figure skating expert Hannah Robbins discusses the drama and details of the final competitions of the Grand Prix Series. While classes concluded for the semester, the Grand Prix Series did not, and the final two events in the series, the Rostelecom Cup and the Internationaux de France, or the Grand Prix Final, transpired with the all the surprises ice skating brings in this level of competition. As in past years, injuries plagued the Rostelecom Cup. Two-time Olympic gold medalist Yuzuru Hanyu of Japan twisted his ankle during practice before the free program, injuring himself for the second year in a row. This did not prevent him from competing in the free program. Despite the uncharacteristic errors and falls during his watereddown free program, Hanyu’s strong short program led him to victory in the men’s competition ahead of Georgian Morisi Kvitelashviki and Hanyu’s countryman Kazuki Tomono. Both Russian Mikhail Kolyada and Canadian Keegan Messing struggled, placing fourth and fifth respectively after falls, invalidated elements and popped jumps. With his performance, Hanyu qualified for the Grand Prix Final. On the ladies’ side, Russian Alina Zagitova continued her flawless run of the Grand Prix Series, edging out compatriot Sofia Samodurova by almost 25 points despite some struggles in her free program. Eunsoo Lim of South Korea rounded out the top three with a solid performance. American Gracie Gold, who didn’t compete in the 2017-2018 season for mental health reasons, placed last in the short program and withdrew from the free program after a rough short program. Zagitova and Samodurova qualified to the Grand Prix Finals with their performances. In the pairs competition, Russians Evgenia Tarasova/Vladi-
mir Morozov flourished with the home audience, landing in first 17 points ahead of Italians Nicole Della Monica/Matteo Guarise and 30 points ahead of their compatriots Daria Pavliuchenko/Denis Khodykin. Americans had a tough time, with Ashley Cain/Timothy Leduc ending in sixth and Deanna Stellato-Dudek/Nathan Bartholo-
in second behind him, with Alexander Samarin of Russia placing third. Boyang Jin of China, a podium contender in years past, placed ninth after a rough competition. Chen qualified for the Grand Prix Final. In the ladies’ competition, the Japanese skaters came out on top, with Rika Kihara besting Mai Mi-
the NHK Trophy due to injury, but they made their one appearance count. Papadakis/Cizeron won the competition by 16 points. Trailing them were Russians Victoria Sinitsina/Nikita Katsalapov and Canadians Piper Gilles/ Paul Poirier with Americans Kaitlin Hawayek/Jean-Luc Baker in a close fourth. Sinitsina/Katsalapov
“Hanyu’s strong short program led him to victory in the men’s competition...” may withdrawing after the short program due to illness. Tarasova/ Morozov, Della Monica/Guarise and Pavliuchenko/Khodykin qualified to the Grand Prix Finals after the competition. In the ice dance competition, Russians Alexandra Stepanova/ Ivan Bukin triumphed over Spaniards Sara Hurtado/Kirill Khaliavin and Americans Christina Carreira/Anthony Ponomarenko, allowing Stepanova/Bukin to qualify for the Grand Prix Final. The last of six competitions in the Grand Prix Series before the Final, Internationaux de France, brought its own drama. Between
hara by three points. The third and fourth place finishers, separated by a mere five points, were the real surprises of the competition. After a sixth-place finish in the short program, American Bradie Tennell finished in third after a strong second place finish in the free program. Russian Evgenia Medvedeva finished in fourth after a third-place finish in the short program and a fifth place program in the free program for her first finish off the podium in her senior career. Kihara qualified for the Grand Prix Final. In the pairs competition, Vanessa James/Morgan Cipres blew
and Hawayek/Baker qualified for the Grand Prix Final. After those six competitions, the competitors for the Grand Prix Final were set. For the men it would be Hanyu, Chen, Shoma Uno from Japan, Junhwan Cha from South Korea, Sergei Voronov from Russia and Michal Brezina from Czechoslovakia. However, due to Hanyu’s injury, Messing filled the last men’s spot. The ladies’ competition contained Zagitova, Kihira, Samodurova, Elizaveta Tuktamysheva from Russia, Kaori Sakamoto from Japan and Satoko Miyahara from Japan. James/Cipres, Tarasova/Moro-
“Kihira’s triple axel helped her surpass Zagitova to grab the title...” the surprising short program results in the men’s program and the unprecedented finish in the ladies’ program, France did not disappoint. In the men’s competition, American Jason Brown showed that with the right execution, skaters without quads are competitive, winning the short program as fellow American Nathan Chen fell on his quad flip. Chen rebounded in the free program and Brown ended
the rest of the competition out of the water in front of a home audience. Trailing them by 15 points were Americans Tarah Kayne/ Danny O’Shea and Russians Aleksandra Boikova/Dmitrii Kozlovskiik. James/Cipres qualified for the Grand Prix Final. In the ice dance competition, Gabriella Papadakis/Guillaume Cizeron from France made their only appearance on the Grand Prix Series, since they withdrew from
zov, Della Monica/Guarise, Pavliuchenko/Khodykin, Cheng Peng/ Yang Jin from China and Natalia Zabiiako/Alexander Enbert from Russia would compete for pairs medals. Sinitsina/Katsalapov, Hawayek/Baker, Stepanova/Bukin, Americans Madison Hubbell/ Zachary Donahue, Italians Charlene Guignard/Marco Fabbri and Russians Tiffani Zagorski/Jonathan Guerreiro competed for the ice dance crown.
In the men’s competition, Chen managed to edge out Uno in the short with mistakes from both, widening the lead in the free to win his second Grand Prix Final in a row after Uno had mistakes at the beginning of his free program. Cha surpassed Brezina in the free to end in third after Brezina struggled, with Messing finishing fifth and Voronov ending in sixth. In the ladies’ competition, no skater was able to improve from their short program, which led to Zagitova’s first loss on the Grand Prix Series since she became a senior. Kihira’s triple axel helped her surpass Zagitova to grab the title. Tuktamysheva claimed the bronze after a poorly executed triple axel while Sakamoto, Samodurova, and Miyahara rounded out the standings. In pairs, James/Cipres claimed the victory, beating Peng/Jin by a mere three points after struggling to overcome a fourth place short program score. Zabiiako/Enbert were in second place after the short program, but after errors in the free, ended in fourth place. Tarasova/Morozov remained a consistent third, claiming the bronze while Della Monica/Guarise and Pavliuchenko/ Khodykin ended in fifth and sixth respectively. In the ice dance competition, Hubbell/Donahue continued their winning streak by a mere four points. Sinitsina/Katsalapov and Guignard/Fabbri fought for the silver, with Sinitsina/Katsalapov winning by three points. The standings were rounded out with Stepanova/Bukin, Zagorski/Guerreio and Hawayek/Baker claimed fourth, fifth and sixth respectively, with a mere three 10ths of a point separating fifth and sixth.
courtesy NBC Sports
Hanyu poses during his Rostelecom short program. 15
Jan. 14 - Jan. 20
Monday
Tuesday 14
No Events
Wednesday 15
M Tennis vs. Mercer 12 p.m.
16
W Basketball @ UCF 5 p.m.
M Basketball vs. UConn 6 p.m.
Thursday
Saturday
Friday
17
19
18
M Basketball @ UCF 11 a.m.
No Events
M Tennis vs. TCU 6 p.m.
Sunday
W Tennis vs. OSU 1 p.m. W Basketball vs. Cincinnati 2 p.m.
20
W Tennis vs. APBU 9 a.m. W Tennis vs. ORU 1 p.m.
News
The Collegian: 6
14 January 2019
Kyrsten Sinema first openly bisexual senator Nancy Pelosi elected Speaker for second time The Arizona senator was recently sworn in and identifies as a conservative Democrat. Piper Prolago Student Writer Kyrsten Sinema was elected to the United States Senate in January of this year, beginning her term as a senator for Arizona. A member of the Democratic Party, Sinema defeated her Republican opponent Martha McSally in a narrow race. However, Sinema will still serve as a senator alongside McSally, as she was appointed to take the place of Jon Kyl, the temporary fill-in for the late John McCain. Both Sinema and McSally have made history as the first female senators to represent Arizona. Sinema started her political career as a spokesperson for the Green Party, but she has been affiliated with the Democratic Party since 2004. Sinema quickly rose in popularity and gained widespread support in Arizona as a relatively conservative Democrat who appealed to voters across party lines. In 2013, she was elected to represent Arizona’s 9th Congressional District in the House of Representatives, where she served until her recent victory in the Senate race. As a child, Sinema was homeless for three years and has been outspoken about her past being a factor that sets her apart from other congresspeople. Her sexuality became public knowledge in 2005 when she argued against a Republican colleague’s comment about LGBTQ+ people while using the first person. When questioned about this, she responded, “Duh, I’m bisexual.” In spite of being questioned about how her sexuality affects her political career, Sinema has
refused to speak on it. Rather, when asked about her personal life, she has responded, “I don’t really think that’s any of your business. Not a lot of people ask young men in politics [about their sexuality].” Sinema’s casual attitude toward her sexuality’s landmark status in the history of the U.S. Senate is remarkable considering the fact that there are only ten openly LGBTQ+ members of Congress serving today. Jared Polis, currently representing Colorado, was the first openly gay person to be elected to Congress and only came into office in 2009. Tammy Baldwin was the first openly gay member of the Senate and began her term in 2012. Although there have been several people outed after or during their times in office, the 21st century has ushered in more instances in which politicians have been open about their sexuality before elections. Although she was once affiliated with the Green Party and was outspoken about her liberal beliefs, Sinema has moved toward a more centrist platform in recent years. In the early 2000s, she became a new face in Arizona politics as an organizer of antiwar protests after 9/11 and a proponent for the repeal of the death penalty. Today, she is affiliated with the Blue Dog Caucus, a conservative Democratic group. During her time in the House of Representatives, Sinema’s voting record reflected her increasingly moderate positions. She voted in favor of legislation for issues such as increased screening processes for refugees and greater penalties for people illegally entering the country. She has stated that she does not support the Affordable Care Act and universal healthcare and chose not to endorse David Garcia, her party’s candidate in the Arizona gubernatorial race.
Vice President Pence swore Sinema into the Senate on Jan. 3.
courtesy Huffington Post
Pelosi is hopeful that, during her second period holding the position, she can effectively combat Republican legislation. Anna Johns Student Writer Nancy Pelosi was officially elected the new House Speaker in a majority vote by the House of Representatives at the beginning of January. She defeated Republican nominee Kevin McCarthy, who became the House Minority Leader. For the second time, she makes history as the only woman to ever assume the position. At 78, she’s one of the oldest speakers elected. During her speakership from 2007 to 2011, legislative accomplishments such as allowing gay people to serve in the military, expanding the Affordable Care Act for millions of people and working on the Great Recession solidified her reputation. Now, according to the New York Times, her performance will be defined by “how she handles President Trump.” With a government in a divided state and a statistically unpopular president, her role as the Speaker has changed drastically. This
year, Pelosi was elected during a time of political tension that climaxed in an ongoing government shutdown. Democratic leaders refused to fund Trump’s border wall, and Pelosi named the impending government shutdown a “Trump shutdown.” Now, her actions are under greater scrutiny. Pelosi outlined a plan for Democrats to pass a legislative package after her election when she described pressing issues ranging from climate change to income inequality. “We will call upon bold thinking to address the disparity of income in America, which is at the root of the crisis of confidence felt by so many Americans,” Pelosi said, adding, “We must also face the existential threat of our time: the climate crisis.” In a nod to the historic nature of her election, Pelosi said she felt “particularly proud” to serve as “the woman speaker of the House of this Congress, which marks the 100th year of women having the right to vote.” Pelosi’s election is one that demands greater attention due to the political circumstances that surround her. With a record number of women in Congress, Pelosi doesn’t want another historically significant moment to pass.
Pelosi shows off the Speaker’s gavel upon attaining her new position.
courtesy NPR
A rundown of the 2020 Democratic presidential candidate hopefuls Though it is likely that not everyone has announced their bid, six Democrats have so far. Thomas von Borstel Student Writer Because the majority of the Republican party refers to Donald Trump as the Republican nominee, this article will only cover Democratic candidates. Elizabeth Warren – Warren rose to celebrity in her duel of wills with President Trump over her contested Native American ancestry. Hailing from Oklahoma City, this candidate currently serves as a Massachusetts senator. A populist through and through, Senator Warren’s policy espouses a level playing field, which includes increasing taxation for the “elite” or those making more than $1 million a year. She supported the “Occupy Wall Street” movement and has claimed to have created the “intellectual foundation” for that movement. The banking system, according to Senator Warren, is flawed and skewed in the favor of the corporate and the elite, and must have new consumer protections built in. She has expressed the belief that medical marijuana can help stymie the opioid epidemic.
Julián Castro – Once the youngest member of President Obama’s cabinet, Julián Castro also served as the mayor of his hometown San Antonio. The Democrat candidate holds beliefs fairly typical of his party, with policies including universal healthcare, more stringent gun control policies and immigration reform with “a path to citizenship.” Castro has demonstrated his civil rights views in his support of same sex marriage in Texas. Castro does not espouse any radical policy change and seems to follow in the footsteps of former President Obama policy-wise. Tulsi Gabbard – A member of the House of Representatives for Hawaii, Tulsi Gabbard was one of the first to announce a 2020 candidacy. She is the first Samoan-American and first Hindu member of Congress. She served in the combat zone with a field medical unit in Iraq from 2004 to 2005. Much like the rest of the Democratic Party, Representative Gabbard is pro-choice and is in support of same-sex marriage. Rep. Gabbard has expressed support for federal stimulus spending, tax incentives for green initiatives and job creation, raising minimum wage and reducing defense spending. She has particularly expressed a desire to reform the Patriot Act. Rep. Gabbard also
calls for an increased income tax. Rep. Gabbard has displayed a willingness for bipartisanship and provides a unique option during the 2020 election. John Delaney – John Delaney is an incumbent Representative for Maryland who has recently stated that he would only provide bipartisan proposals for the first 100 days of his presidency. He announced that he was seeking nomination in 2017, making him the first Democrat to do so. Rep. Delaney’s policy is much like Rep. Gabbard’s, expressing support for federal stimulus spending, tax incentives for green initiatives, raising federal minimum wage and reducing defense spending. He also supported the DREAM Act in favor of widening the path to citizenship for immigrants. Delaney has advocated for increased income taxes, gun control and eliminating photo IDs for voting. Rep. John Delaney stands as another Democrat nominee that holds traditional party views. Andrew Yang – Andrew Yang is an entrepreneur who founded the non-profit organization Venture for America. The native New Yorker’s big ticket billing is his desire to implement a universal basic income, a $1,000 a month stipend for any citizen over
18 years old. Yang, outside this single facet of his campaign, has an extensive web platform, formatted to give the visitor easy access to his policies, unlike any other candidate so far. His outlined views range from making Puerto Rico a state to mandating that the NCAA pay its athletes. His platform stands on the ideas of “human-centered” and “for all.” “Healthcare for All” and “Early Childhood Education for All” are just a sampling of his ideas. Yang provides an incredibly thorough explanation of his platform with diverse options for unconventional Democrats. Richard Ojeda – Richard Ojeda is a former West Virginia senator who served in the U.S. Army for 24 years. Former Sen. Ojeda has formatted his campaign into “missions.” The first one he has named “Service Requires Sacrifice,” a progressive policy which demands that any federal politician must “sacrifice any net worth over a million dollars to a charity of their choice.” Similar to Sen. Warren, Ojeda believes that the common citizen is overlooked in the national decision-making process, making him another prime populist candidate.
graphic by Conner Maggio Incumbent Republican candidate President Donald Trump (left) could be pitted against any of the Democrats pictured opposite. From left to right: (top row) Elizabeth Warren, John Delaney, Richard Ojeda, (bottom row) Julián Castro, Andrew Yang and Tulsi Gabbard.
14 January 2019
News
The Collegian: 7
Former TU student sentenced Monarch butterflies dying Zach Martin was sentenced to five years in prison after crimes committed at the end of 2017. Justin Guglielmetti Editor-in-Chief
After being dismissed from the University of Tulsa in December 2017, 19-year-old Zach Martin was recently sentenced to five years in prison on four counts of sexual assault. Martin, a former member of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity, groped an unconscious female student while the two were attending a party at his fraternity house. She awoke and fled the scene as Martin was removing his pants, after which she notified the police. Within 24 hours of the incident, Martin was arrested and expelled from the university and fraternity. Incidents involving two other women on campus later came to light, occurring between September and December 2017. Martin pleaded guilty to all four charges brought against him. Since he had no prior felony convictions, Martin faced a potential maximum of 10 years behind bars.
Trevor Reynolds, Martin’s attorney, argued for probation in lieu of a prison sentence on the basis of Martin’s struggle with alcohol addiction. He also pointed out that Martin’s punishment will extend beyond his sentence, since he will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. District Attorney Kenneth Elmore pushed back against the attempted diminishing of Martin’s actions, calling them “a serious criminal matter.” He added that he believed the sentencing was emblematic of Tulsa’s commitment to eradicating sexual assault: “We’re taking great steps to demonstrate to the citizens of Tulsa County that [unwanted physical contact] is an unacceptable behavior trend.” If you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual assault, there are resources available to you on campus. The university’s survivor advocate can be reached at (918) 631-2965, the Violence Prevention Program Coordinator at (918)631-2324 or kelsey-hancock@utulsa.edu and the office of the Dean of Students at (918)631-2510 or mike-mills@utulsa.edu.
Cyntoia Brown granted clemency Sentenced at 16, Brown’s case gained sizable social media traction before being reopened. Madison Connell Satire Editor After 15 years in prison, dozens of celebrities’ and activists’ attention and a documentary produced about her, Cyntoia Brown has been granted clemency by Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam and had her sentence commuted. Commutation, unlike a pardon, does not mean a crime is forgiven. Instead, the prison sentence is reduced, usually for good behavior. In most states, a governor is the only person who can commute a non-federal sentence. Brown’s case started back in 2004. When she was 16 years old, she ran away from her adopted family and moved in with 24-yearold Garion McGlothen, known as “CutThroat,” who would later sexually, physically and psychologically abuse her as well as pimp her out to other men. One of these men was 43-year-old Johnny Mitchell Allen. Brown met up with Allen in 2004 at a Sonic and agreed to meet back at his place for sex in exchange for $150. That night, Brown pulled a gun out of her purse and shot Allen while he was naked and face down in his bed. The reasoning for Allen’s death is contested. Prosecutors argued that Brown murdered Allen to steal his money, guns and truck. Brown said she acted out of self defense because she felt unsafe around him. However, she was not allowed to testify in her initial hearing. For aggravated assault and first degree murder, she was sentenced to at least 51 years in prison before being eligible for release. In 2012, Brown appealed with new evidence, such as the fact that she suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome and other developmental issues. A clinical and forensic psychologist testified at the trial that Brown functioned at the age of a 13- or 14-year-old because of her mother’s alcohol and drug abuse during her pregnancy and from previous abuse. Brown told the judge, “[Cut-Throat] would explain to me that some people were born whores, and that I was one, and I was a slut, and nobody’d want me but him, and the best thing I could do was just learn to be a good whore.”
Laws have also substantially changed since her initial hearing. For example, Tennessee laws changed in 2011 so that anyone under 18 cannot be charged with prostitution. Instead, she would count as a victim of child sex trafficking. Another change was that a 2012 Supreme Court case considered life in prison for minors cruel and unusual punishment. Tennessee and other states are considering making it a requirement to review life sentence cases for minors after 15 or 20 years. However, in Brown’s 2012 appeal the court decided that because she was eligible for release after 51 years instead of the full 60 year sentence, it would not meet the Supreme Court’s standard for cruel and unusual punishment. March 2011 brought “Me Facing Life: Cyntoia’s Story,” a documentary produced and directed by Daniel Birman, who had been following her case from the beginning. Six years later, Rihanna brought the issue back to light in an Instagram post about Brown. This sparked outrage among celebrities including Kim Kardashian, Cara Delevingne, Drake, Amy Schumer and Lebron James, who all campaigned for Governor Haslam to grant clemency to Brown. The hashtag “#FreeCyntoiaBrown” circulated around social media. With Haslam leaving office on January 19, Brown was under the wire if she was going to have a chance. After many months of media attention, Haslam decided on January 7 to grant full commutation. Haslam reasoned that he granted her clemency for the extraordinary steps she has taken to turn her life around, such as finishing at Lipscomb University in December of 2015 with an associate degree and working as an unpaid consultant with the juvenile justice system. “Transformation should be accompanied by hope,” Haslam said. Brown will be released on August 7 after serving 15 years. When she gets out, she will have another 10 years on parole. In a statement following the granting of her clemency, Brown said, “With God’s help, I am committed to live the rest of my life helping others, especially young people. My hope is to help other young girls avoid ending up where I have been.” A follow-up documentary is set to release later this year, tentatively titled “Me Facing Life 2: Cyntoia’s Fight for Freedom.”
Scientists warn of a possible extinction on the horizon for the insects. Anna Robinson Student Writer Monarch butterflies are common sights at TU. However, catastrophic drops in the populations of these iconic insects are occurring all over the United States. Monarchs migrate to California and Mexico for the winter. The Xerces Society for Invertebrate Conservation recorded an 86 percent decline in migration numbers for California in 2018. The Xerces Society expected lower numbers from an ideal season in their breeding and migration range, but the numbers were much worse than anticipated. Volunteers counted the butterflies at sites that together cover 77 percent of the state. In 2017, there were over 148,000 monarchs, but 2018 saw only slightly more than 20,000. Xerces believes that habitat loss and pesticides are to blame, but California’s later-than-usual rainy season, wildfires and smoke could have contributed to the devastation in butterfly populations as well. As monarchs react to changes in temperature, climate change interferes with their migration patterns. With regions of the United States seeing warmer temperatures, they might not migrate as usual. In the U.S. overall, there has been a 97 percent decrease in monarch population since the 1980s. Butterflies use milkweed for a food source and to lay their eggs, and this plant’s presence in the U.S. has decreased since 1995. Within 20 years, researchers believe that monarchs have a 72 percent chance of extinction. News of plummeting monarch butterfly populations come at a time of crisis for wildlife across the globe in what some scientists call the Earth’s sixth mass extinction. World Wildlife Fund states that “the rapid loss of species we are seeing today is estimated
courtesy Wikipedia Researchers give the colorful insects a 72 percent chance of going extinct in the next two decades.
@TUCollegian
tucollegian@tucollegian.org editor-in-chief
Justin Guglielmetti managing editor
Raven Fawcett news editor
Ethan Veenker sports editor
Brennen Gray variety editor
Emma Palmer commentary editor
Emily Every satire editor
Madison Connell photo & graphics editor
Conner Maggio
business & advertising manager
Brian Kwiecinski
social media & web manager
Sara Serrano
distribution managers
Jacob Lee Jesica Santino and Katelyn Baker copy editor
Bryant Loney courtesy NBC Brown received clemency for turning her life around, which included obtaining a college degree in 2015.
by experts to be between 1,000 and 10,000 times higher than the natural extinction rate.” Scientists further warn about the implications that species loss has on humans, given that animals affect our ecosystems. Bees, whose pollination assists in the growth of certain plants and food, have recently been added to the list of endangered species as well. This illustrates the impact that wildlife biodiversity has on humans. Paul Ehrlich of Stanford University described it as such when he explained that “civilization depends utterly on the plants, animals and microorganisms of Earth that supply it with essential ecosystem services ranging from crop pollination and protection to supplying food.” The U.S. federal government continues to propose legislation that would strip the Endangered Species Act of its powers. Such legislation includes allowing the Forest Service agency to use toxic pesticides. Darryl Fears of the Washington Post wrote that Ryan Zinke, U.S. Secretary of the Interior, proposed to remove the phrase “without reference to possible economic or other impacts of such determination” from the Endangered Species Act. This would mean that economic impacts would be taken into consideration when creating measures for wildlife protection. For example, if the federal government were to plan to set aside land for wildlife, they might not do so if the land could be used for oil and gas drilling or mining. 2018 also saw the death of the last northern white rhino in Africa and the addition of tuna fish onto the list of animals vulnerable to extinction. Conservation efforts have gained traction around the world, but Ehrlich believes that the time for humans to act is short. Ehrlich cites wildlife reserves, diversity protection laws and slower growth of the worldwide human population as necessities to avoid the detrimental effects of the looming loss of species.
The Collegian is the student newspaper of the University of Tulsa. It is distributed Mondays during the fall and spring semesters, except during holidays and final exam weeks. The University of Tulsa does not discriminate on the basis of personal status or group characteristics including but not limited to the classes protected under federal and state law. Inquiries regarding implementation of this policy may be addressed to the Office of Human Resources, 800 South Tucker Drive, Tulsa, Oklahoma 74104-9700, (918)631-2616. Requests for accomodation of disabilities may be addressed to the university’s 504 Coordinator, Dr. Tawny Rigsby, (918)631-3814. To ensure availability of an interpeter, five to seven days notice is needed; 48 hours is recommended for all other accomodations. Advertising Policy: Advertising appearing in this publication does not imply approval or endorsement by the University of Tulsa or the Collegian for the products or services advertised. For advertising information, email the Collegian at advertising@tucollegian.org. The deadline for advertising is noon on the Friday proir to publication. Letter Policy: Letters to the editor must be less than 500 words and can be sent to tucollegian@tucollegian.org. Under no circumstances will anonymous letters be published. The name of the person submitting the letter must be published with the letter. We reserve the right to edit or reject all letters. The deadline for letters is 5 p.m. on the Friday prior to publication. Editing Policy: The Collegian reserves the right to edit all copy submitted by all writers. This editing may take place in many forms, including grammar corrections, changes in paragraph structure or even the addition or removal of sections of content. Editorial Policy: Columnists are solely responsible for the content of their columns. Opinions expressed in columns may not represent the opions of the Collegian staff, the administrative policies of the University of Tulsa, the views of the student body or our advertisers.
News
The Collegian: 8
14 January 2019
Jan. 6 4:20 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to University Square West Apartments to investigate a possible apartment break in. Upon arrival Officers made contact with the a resident of the apartment who stated the front door was found open. No items were reported missing or damaged and there were no signs of forced entry.
Jan. 4 9:00 a.m. University of Tulsa Security Officers were dispatched to Fisher West in regards to 2 students stuck in an elevator. Security Officers and Physical Plant Staff were able to open the elevator shortly after arriving on scene. The Physical Plant Staff on scene stated that they would arrange for the elevator to be repaired. Jan. 5 12:00 a.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a possible noise complaint in the Norman Village apartments. Upon arrival officers could hear loud noise and made contact with the resident who was identified as being underage with the presence of alcohol within the apartment. All guest were vacated from the apartment. A housing contact card was issued to the resident. 9:15 a.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to check the welfare of a student in Norman Village. The individuals parent was concerned because of the student not returning phone call. Officers made contact with the individual and had them contact their parent. 5:30 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the loading dock of the Reynolds Center in response to a burglary from an automobile. Officers made contact with the reporting party who stated items were taken from the front drivers seat of their vehicle. Officers inspected the area and found the items stashed under a vehicle. The items were returned to the rightful owner.
Jan. 7 10:55 a.m. While on routine parking enforcement University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers discovered a vehicle with an invalid university parking permit. Officers made made contact with the vehicles owner and confiscated the invalid permit. 2:40 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the area of the Case Football Complex in regards to a suspicious individual. The individual had been inside Case Athletics and was harassing staff. Officers located the individual on the field at the HA Chapman Stadium. Officers spoke to the individual and issued them a trespass warning. A contact card was created and the individual was escorted off property. 8:25 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to check the welfare of a student in Mayo Village Apartments. The individuals parent was concerned because of the student not returning phone call. Officers made contact with the individual and had them contact their parent Jan. 8 1:15 a.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to West Park Apartments for an individual rummaging through the dumpster. Officers made contact with the individual and determined they were not affiliated with the University. Officers requested records check of active warrant and previous contact history; both were negative. Officers informed the individual that they were on private property and would have to leave immediately. The individual stated they understood and left without further incident. 10:00 a.m. While on routine parking enforcement University of Tulsa
Emma Palmer Variety Editor
US partial government shutdown the longest in history Caused by President Trump’s demand for over $5 billion toward a border wall, the partial shutdown of the federal government has now reached 22 days — the longest in U.S. history. The shutdown has left hundreds of thousands of federal workers without pay, many of whom are still expected to show up to work or face termination. Nine out of the 15 departments of government are not being funded during the time of the shutdown. The shutdown has caused the FDA to stop routine food inspections, as well as the closing of national parks and the Smithsonian museums. About 420,000 federal workers are expected to continue working without pay, while 380,000 are currently furloughed. On Friday, Congress signed a bill that will retroactively pay furloughed workers for their time during the shutdown. The shutdown has caused double the number of TSA agents to call in sick, and allowed for tourists to cut down protected trees in Joshua Tree state park, along with other acts of vandalism.
Protesters killed by Sudanese police Protests that initially started on Dec. 19 over the government tripling the price of bread have broken into more general demonstrations over President Omar al-Bashir’s rule. Hundreds of protesters on Friday demonstrated at the capital Khartoum and twin city Omdurman, calling for the resignation of al-Bashir, who has held office for almost three decades. The widespread protests lead to Sudanese police firing volleys of tear gas into the crowds. According to the Sudanese government, 22 people have been killed since the beginning of the protests. However, Human Rights Watch puts that number to at least 40 people, including children and medical staff. They also estimate that more than 1,000 people, including activists and journalists, have been arrested since Dec. 19. Tensions are growing higher as Sudan faces an economic crisis that has caused food and fuel shortages and costs for medicine and food to skyrocket. While both sides refuse to back down, protesters fear that the repercussions for demonstrating will become more and more brutal as time continues.
Subject of #SaveRahaf campaign arrives safely in Canada Teenager Rahaf Mohammed al-Qunun has safely arrived in Canada after being stranded in a Bangkok airport when a Saudi diplomat seized her passport. Qunun was fleeing her family in Saudi Arabia after renouncing Islam, which can be punishable by death in Saudi Arabia. Fearing for her life, and about to be returned to her family, Qunun captured international attention by explaining her situation on Twitter. Pleading for help, she wrote, “I’m the girl who ran away to Thailand. I’m now in real danger because the Saudi embassy is trying to force me to return.” She tweeted in Arabic to her 24 followers. As retweets flew, the hashtag #SaveRahaf caught the attention of Human Rights Watch, and the Deputy Asia Director tweeted about the campaign. They also engaged in direct messaging with Qunun to give her advice, telling her never to give up her phone under any circumstances. She refused to board the flight home to Kuwait and boarded herself in her room. The Twitter campaign went viral in Thailand, and Qunun was officially declared a legitimate refugee by the U.N. She was granted asylum in Canada and has safely landed.
Campus Security Officers discovered a vehicle with an invalid university parking permit. Officers made made contact with the vehicles owner and confiscated the invalid permit. 10:30 a.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were made aware of trespassing committed by a TU non-affiliate via social media. Officers filed a report with the Tulsa Police Department and are investigating the incident. 7:00 p.m. Officers were dispatched to Brown Village to investigate a possible fire alarm. Officers arrived on scene to a lot of smoke coming from the apartment. Officers were able to put the oven fire out with a fire extinguisher. Student stated they dropped a tray of olive oil on in the oven. Officers cleared out the smoke and TFD (Tulsa Fire Department) was not called. Jan. 9 9:30 a.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers received a report of a University affiliate who violated the University weapon policy. Officers contacted the affiliate, who was found to be in violation of the University weapon policy, and escorted them off campus. The affiliate was trespass banned from the University. 3:55 p.m. While on routine patrol University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers conducted a traffic stop on 8th & Trucker Drive. The driver was seen driving around campus making offensive gestures. The driver was a non TU affiliate and had no business on campus so Officers trespass banned them from the university property. 9:00 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to Lottie Jane Mabee Hall to conduct a welfare check on a student. The students parents were concerned because they were unable to make contact with the students. The parents were concerned because the student was not returning their phone calls. Officers made contact with the student and had them make contact with with their parents. The Collegian does not produce or edit the Campus Crime Watch except for content and brevity.
Wednesday, January 2 through Friday, March 22 at 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. McFarlin Library, 5th floor Artist’s Books: Challenging Norms & Forms Special Collections and University Archives at the University of Tulsa McFarlin Library is pleased to announce our new Winter 2019 exhibit, “Artist’s Books: Challenging Norms & Forms.” Artist’s books are works that challenge the traditional idea of what a book is. Frequently they lack a spine, words, or a strict narrative. Their physical format can often be interactive and part of the “story” or information the artist wanted their audience to engage with. Special Collections has a wonderful set of artist’s books that range from fine art press books with painted illustrations to unusual objects like a red high heel shoe sliced in half with an accordion book added to the middle. We also have sculptural items like miniature altars, a Mobius strip, and a piece that requires looking into a mirror to fully experience. We’ve chosen to present 24 of our favorite artist’s books in the Special Collections Reading Room on the 5th floor of McFarlin Library. The exhibit is open to everyone, Monday – Friday, 8am to 4:30pm.
Monday, January 14 through Thursday, Febuary 7 at 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Phillips Hall, Alexandre Hogue Gallery México: Vestigios de la Narcoviolencia, Miguel A. Aragón “México: Vestigios de la Narcoviolencia,” featuring Miguel A. Aragón, is a printmaking exhibit that explores violence related to the narcotics trade in Mexico. Aragón’s reductive print aesthetic creates a new visual language based on the idea of erasure. This approach creates subtle connections to memory and catharsis while dealing with difficult subject matter. Aragón’s artwork has been exhibited internationally in Argentina, Canada, Germany, Great Britain and Mexico. He received his MFA from the University of Texas at Austin. He is currently an assistant professor in printmaking at the CUNY College of Staten Island. Show Dates: January 14 – February 7 Artist Lecture (Jerri Jones Lecture Hall, Phillips Hall 211): January 17, 5-6 p.m. Reception: January 17, 6-7 p.m. Thursday, January 17 at 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. Tyrrell Hall Auditorium Memory & Memoir: An Evening with Alex Halberstadt Alex Halberstadt is the author of “Lonely Avenue: The Unlikely Life and Times of Doc Pomus” and the forthcoming “Young Heroes of the Soviet Union,” a family memoir. His writing has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times Magazine, GQ, Food & Wine, The Paris Review and elsewhere. He appeared at the 2013 New Yorker Festival, was nominated for a James Beard Award in 2013 and 2014, and had his work included in Best Food Writing 2014. He has received fellowships from the MacDowell Colony, Yaddo, and the OMI International Arts Center. Join us for a reading and discussion of Alex’s new memoir. Free and open to the public. Thursday, January 17 at 7:30 p.m. Lorton Performance Center Concerts with Commentary: German Romantics: Brahms and Spohr The University of Tulsa School of Music Concerts with Commentary presents clarinetist Kristi Sturgeon, soprano Meray Boustani and pianist Stuart Deaver in an evening of German romanticism. Featured will be Brahms “Sonata No. 1 in f minor” and Spohr’s “Six German Songs.” Friday, October 18 at 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. Lorton Performance Center Mr. and Ms. International Competition Come celebrate your fellow TU students as they represent their country and community through a celebration of culture with food, fashion, and talent! The Collegian does not produce all event descriptions in the Community Calendar. Contact us at news@tucollegian.org with events.
Variety
14 January 2019
The Collegian: 9
Why I was frustrated with Pitchfork’s Album of the Year I’m having a hard time coping with Mitski’s most recent album being named number one. Emma Palmer Variety Editor Okay, I have a minor confession to make. When I saw Mitski’s “Be the Cowboy” named Album of the Year by Pitchfork, I was pissed. In a sort of whiny Mitski is mine! No one else loves her like I do, sort of way. Like a kid with a fistful of dollars, it was hard to uncrumple my hand and let this one go. This emotion of jealousy, of perceived ownership over music and media in general, is one that I see a lot of, and one that is, I think, toxic. I mean, after all, one of the things that good music does best is to act as a unifier. Good music is good music, and people of all different backgrounds can find a common space in their love for stone cold classics like Nirvana or Bach. So why do I have to feel so territorial of Mitski? Shouldn’t I be happy that more people are
At the same time, it stings, just a little bit. When I listened to “Puberty 2” as an extremely angsty 16-year-old, I connected to her music. Like, I maybe wasn’t alone. But it was a secret shared between Mitski and me, and it was just the two of us in on the joke. I was special. Mitski was special. I was maybe a little obsessed. I had every lyric memorized. I illustrated songs. I tweeted at Mitski, and she liked my reply, once. I was special. This was my music. In the words of a friend of mine, “It’s dangerous to define yourself by what media you consume.” It leads to — *cough* — Star Wars fanboys and all other flavors of selfunaware fans. When you define yourself by the media you consume, you begin to take ownership of that art. In this era of the Netflix binge, it’s hard to not find identity in the media you consume. There’s a lot of burnout in our current generation, and having hobbies can be time consuming, costly and just generally exhausting. But everyone I know watches television and movies and listens to music. It’s our hobby.
“When you define yourself by the media you consume, you begin to take ownership of that art.” acknowledging her genius? And let’s face the facts, even before “Be the Cowboy,” Mitski was widely listened to. The idea of being one in a handful of listeners of her music is a myth. It was never true. I found out about Mitski on NPR First Listen after the release of “Puberty 2.” Mitski was always big, just not at this level of visibility.
In this amazing age of technology, the line from fanbase to artist has never been so open. From tweeting, to AMAs, to harassment. There’s a direct line of communication that fans can take to make their voice heard. That’s a terrifying thought. Who knows how much this ability dictates the kind of art put out by artists, what kinds of risks are abandoned for the sake of pleas-
Claiming ownership over an artist and their work is an unhealthy habit.
ing the fanbase. So often I’ll hear the phrase “I like their older stuff better” and I wonder how much it has to do with the authenticity of earlier work. You can say whatever you want to say in obscurity. The allure of the alleged indie artist is a lie. Most bands that are regarded as indie have deals with record labels and some sort of a fan base to be able to make a living. Consider the difference in the way we treat success and record labels nowadays versus how previous generations did. No one bats an eye nowadays if an artist that they particularly like signs a deal with a major record label. People used to call that “selling out” and regarded it as the death of artistic vision for that artist’s music. That’s not an issue
graphic by Emma Palmer
we’re concerned with at present. Who cares about authenticity when we’re all building brands? What matters is how the artist’s aesthetic matches our own, and in that sense, we are more concerned with our ownership over the art rather than the achievement of the artistic vision. And that’s a diminishing way to experience anything. I guess I’m writing all this to say that Mitski’s top single “Nobody” has over ninemillion plays, and the idea of her music being just for me is ludicrous. I’ll let her go, because this art was never mine to begin with. Everyone should go listen to “Be The Cowboy.” It’s really good.
courtesy Bao Ngo
Mitski’s most recent album garnered popularity among a mainstream audience.
“VICE:” great production value, but unruly plot Despite slick costumes and terrific performances, “VICE” falls flat. Chris Lierly Student Writer As award season begins, multiple major directors, writers and actors will collaborate on some incredible films. One of the most attention-grabbing trailers late in 2018 was for “VICE.” The movie boasts a star studded cast and sees Adam Mckay of Anchorman, Stepbrothers and Ant-Man fame direct a biopic about the 46th Vice President of the United States. “VICE” had an incredible amount of hype, and though it lived up to a lot of it, the film failed to hit all of the notes that it needed to be considered a great one. “VICE’s” story focuses on the rise of Dick Cheney from a Yale law dropout to the most powerful man in the world. He served as Representative from Wyoming, Secretary of Defense, the CEO of Halliburton Company and Vice President for George W. Bush, who often yielded to Cheney’s political expertise on important matters. In that role he ravaged the Middle East with the United States’ senseless invasion of Iraq that cost hundreds of thousands of civilian lives (a statistic the film makes clear). He also led a crackdown on civil liberties by breaching American citizens’ privacy and the torturing of those captured in the war on terror. The movie tries to capture all of this and it essentially succeeds in the realm of acting but comes up short in the writing sphere. “VICE” juxtaposes those themes of his career, that of his power and his ruthless nature, with two key relationships, one with his wife Lynne Cheney and the other with his political ally Donald Rumsfeld. Though George Bush is a pivotal figure in Cheney’s career, he is not given the preeminence of these two since Lynne Cheney and Rums-
feld represent both his partner in life and his political mentor respectively. What this dynamic does, the one between Cheney and his two closest confidants, is bring out funny and dramatically convincing performances from Christian Bale (Dick Cheney) Amy Adams (Lynne Cheney) and Steve Carell
Christian Bale stars as Dick Cheney in “VICE.”
Let’s get one thing on the table; I loved “The Big Short.” Adam McKay’s comedic recounting of the 2007 housing market crisis explained a complex piece of recent history that never wanted in humor or intensity. Not only was the subject material important, the largest economic catastrophe since the
courtesy Plan B Entertainment
“McKay should have taken “VICE’s” major themes and subplots and made it into a mini-series.” (Donald Rumsfeld). All three of these performances deserve an Academy Award, and with Bale’s success at the Golden Globes, it looks like they will get the appreciation they deserve. However, the structure and writing choices for “VICE” deserve no such accolades.
Great Depression, but the film became more involved by focusing its narrative around a group of men who saw the signs of the crash before it happened. This focusing of a titanic topic was the biggest thing lacking from “VICE.” Like “The Big Short,” “VICE” found a compelling part of recent history
that many Americans likely do not know the details of, but it lacked the kind of focus that “The Big Short” turned into an Academy Award winner for Best Adapted Screenplay. For “VICE,” the figure of Dick Cheney was always going to be the centerpiece of the film. The biggest decision was going to be whether to pare down the script to focus on one of three things: (1) his lack of charisma but determination and cunning to make it nonetheless; (2) the immense power he obtained while staying a considerably remote figure from the limelight; or (3) the ghastly amount of executive overreach and possible war crimes committed during his time as VP. Cutting out the personal relationships theme made less sense with the kind of starstudded casts McKay employs in his recent history films. Instead of choosing one major theme and running with it while only hinting at the others, “VICE” tries too hard to go for all of the marbles and weave all three narratives into a succinct movie. What we get is a film bursting at the seams with too much happening. All of this points towards the fact that McKay should have taken “VICE’s” major themes and subplots and made it into a miniseries, where he could have set the number of episodes for a longer, better-paced telling of the subjects. Still, “VICE” is a good movie due to the acting of its main trio, McKay’s comedic style and the compelling subject matter. It is disappointing to know that those great aspects would have likely translated to a medium where the writing is less constricted. I will no doubt rewatch the movie because it has some incredible moments, but I do hope that McKay’s next project resembles “The Big Short” more than his more troubled follow-up.
The Collegian: 10
Variety
14 January 2019
Animal Collective and the death of indie rock
The highly regarded “Merriweather Post Pavilion” came during a critical time for indie rock, and in some ways, heralded its death. Ethan Veenker News Editor
It moves. Stare at the album art for Animal Collective’s “Merriweather Post Pavilion” long enough and the intricately-placed green ovals will start to oscillate in waves, giving the impression of a fluttering sheet, backdropped with a grainy image of a nebula. This effect is easily explained as a simple illusion, a trick played on the eyes, but the legacy of the record — and the record itself — is more complex. To put it simply, it’s an album that many people love very much, and to which there hasn’t been a widespread, convincing contender in the decade since its release. Animal Collective’s ninth album, “Merriweather Post Pavilion,” turned 10 years old last Sunday. Released Jan. 6, 2009, the album was met with universally positive reviews from critics and fans alike, specifically receiving a 9.6 from Pitchfork and being selected as its 2009 Album of the Year against a field that included Grizzly Bear’s “Veckatimest” and Dirty Projectors’s “Bitte Orca,” so the competition was anything but stale. Pitchfork’s Album of the Year was an honor received by Fleet Foxes the year prior for their self-titled album and “Sun Giant” EP bundle, and by Kanye West the next year for “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” (and most recently by Mitski for “Be the Cowboy”), to give the accolade a bit of context. On the topic of that imperfect little 9.6: Mark Richardson, who wrote the original Pitchfork review of the record, revealed in a 2012 post on his personal blog, “We thought about giving it a 10 but decided against it (Pitchfork hadn’t given one in a long time),”
easy not only to immediately grasp Pitchfork’s opinion, but to understand it with a bit of context without even having to read the article (though it’s probably a good idea to read it). One may find themselves clicking from review to review on the site, soaking in the ratings and the takes without even reading the articles themselves. Generally good opinions, a legacy spanning 20 years and an annual music festival have also helped Pitchfork with ingraining themselves in the collective music journalism consciousness. While I disagree with a fair bit of their ratings, I tend to like Pitchfork. Seeing as how I love Animal Collective (excuse me, I just dropped my bias), their recent article on the legacy of “Merriweather Post Pavilion” was a nice surprise. Pitchfork correspondent Larry Fitzmaurice constructs a humorous and wellthought-out retrospective on Animal Collective and their influence in the last decade — or more specifically, a sort of influence vacuum — in his piece that questions why “Merriweather Post Pavilion” didn’t succeed in “redefining indie music” when all the pieces were seemingly there. I won’t spend too long reconstructing Fitzmaurice’s argument, but it revolves around an assertion that Animal Collective in 2009 (and other successful indie rock bands of the time, like Grizzly Bear and Dirty Projectors) never fully realized the potential revealed by their magnum opus and has instead veered erratically in both sound and quality since 2009. He ends his study with the line, “Animal Collective chose not to finish the conversation their most successful album started, and no one else even dared to try.” The latter half of this statement merits a response. Fitzmaurice claims that “Merriweather” had a questionable amount of influence on indie as a whole, though he makes this claim without criticism, suggesting instead that the album was simply “un-
image courtesy Domino Records
may be the cause for the record’s lack of influence (as he sees it) is simply that a new “cultural focus” began to occupy the indie zeitgeist, and it doesn’t take a music historian to know that this focus was intensely based in electronic instrumentation and influences that stemmed from hip hop and R&B. That Fitzmaurice hasn’t considered “Merriweather’s” influence on electronic music is interesting, seeing as “Merriweather” is an electronic album at heart and that Animal Collective has been primarily electronic since 2009. One need only listen to the prequel to “Merriweather,” 2007’s “Strawberry Jam,” to understand the change the band underwent. “Strawberry Jam” is marked with far more physical instrumentation: guitars and drum kits and keyboards that are, to be sure, present nonetheless in “Merriweather Post Pavilion” but in a warped and depressed
“Merriweather Post Pavilion” was the nail in the coffin for guitar-based indie music, and its influence is massive.” though the aforementioned Kanye West record would go on to receive their first 10 in eight years (and their last 10 since). Hey, is this article about “Merriweather Post Pavilion” or Pitchfork? Well, both, but it’s hardly a look back at the content of “Merriweather Post Pavilion.” It’s more of a look at its legacy. Pitchfork is far from the only music-reviewing platform, and a sizable population of music-lovers would contest their seemingly hallowed presence among music journalism in the first place. It seems that the comments of every post I see from Pitchfork on any social medium are just riddled with hatred and proclamations of “Pitchfork? More like Shitfork” (all right, I made that one up) and other, meaner things. What brings the website to such infamy among these circles? While, again, not the only music-reviewing platform, Pitchfork’s online reviews benefit from an intelligent layout, or at least they have in the last decade. The album’s rating is given in a large typeface at the top of the page adjacent to the album art, sometimes bolstered with other identifiers like “Best New Music” and the like. A lightlyshaded deck just under the rating gives a concise and convincing summary of the review in one or two sentences. This makes it
beatable.” High praise from a music journalist, but praise that comes from a confusing perspective on art as a whole. Perhaps some may believe that nothing could ever top novels like “Ulysses” or “Finnegan’s Wake” in terms of ambition, or epics like the “Iliad” or “Odyssey” in general scale, but the immense grandeur of these works hasn’t stopped generations-worth of hopeful artists (imitators or otherwise) from drawing inspiration and advancing the arts in myriad directions. Given the subjective nature of art, one can maintain that the narratives truly are unbeatable, while yet another can believe that they’ve all been topped and that the topping will continue ad infinitum. There’s no objective, allegedly right answer on this topic. An amateur musician somewhat unconfident in their musical abilities might be a little intimidated by “Merriweather,” but one ambitious enough could certainly imitate it in eye-opening ways, and there has never been a shortage of individuals who harbor such ambition. Indeed, “Merriweather” has had a larger influence than Fitzmaurice gives it credit, though I’ll get to that in a moment. Another reason Fitzmaurice suggests
The University of Tulsa has a wealth of clubs to offer; here are a few of the highlights.
Coriolis Force: A women’s ultimate frisbee team. Future Alumni Council French Club Golden Aces: Men’s frisbee golf. History Club Russian Club RAW Writing Club Students for Sustainability PartyFowl: The men’s ultimate frisbee team. TU Two-Stepping Club Tennis MADETU (Make a Difference Engineering at TU): This club designs and builds projects to assist those with special needs. Most work is done in collaboration with The Little Lighthouse. Find more info here: www.engineering.utulsa.edu/mechanicalengineering/make-a-difference-engineering/ TU Robotics Mining Club (formerly TURMC) TrueBlue Neighbors: This is an organization assisting local food banks and homeless shelters, etc. Gaming clubs for table top/board games, video games, and rpg. Film Club Intramural sports: Information can be found at Collins Fitness Center. Mock Trial Student Veterans Association: This is one of the best in the nation!
form. Animal Collective transformed into an electronic band, or at least one with extreme electronic influences and qualities. Indie rock is dead, and it died slowly. In fact, scratch that — it may still be dying. With some artists, it grasps hold of life wonderfully and meaningfully (Mitski), but on most other fronts, it is fading away, just as the guitar is. “Indie” nowadays refers to music more electronic in nature, and ironically, more indie (i.e., musicians releasing without labels). With SoundCloud and Bandcamp making distribution easy, and with YouTube tutorials and digital audio workstations (DAWs) making electronic music a manageable DIY project without the clutter of a full band or physical instruments to record dynamically, indie has more or less become bedroom pop. This includes acts like Snail Mail or Clairo, who utilize their lo-fi charm and incessant degree of reverb to mask the cracks in their homemade armor. What an assertion I’ve made. Here, I must concede that my take on the evolution of music is built on conjecture. I’m not a music historian or even a music journalist like Larry Fitzmaurice, whose job it is to study and explore trends in the evolution of music. All the same, I find his opinion that
“Merriweather” didn’t inspire too much influence just downright shocking. “Merriweather Post Pavilion,” in conjunction with the birth of the “chillwave” genre incipient in Panda Bear’s (the drummer and co-songwriter of Animal Collective) 2007 solo album “Person Pitch,” delivered techniques, soundscapes and perspectives on music — all primarily from a sonic and electronic point of view — that had previously been unexplored. 2007 is the same year that British producer Burial’s groundbreaking “Untrue” was released, so even the more by-the-books, fully-electronic and sample-based music was undergoing a metamorphosis. Animal Collective (and Panda Bear, both as an individual and as part of the group) catalyzed a lighter version of electronic music, something of a fusion: a mixture of the physical with the digital. Not a new concept but one that finally took hold in the indie scene at around that time. If this doesn’t properly illustrate the direction in which indie began to gravitate in the 2010s (and in which it is still headed; electronic influence is everywhere), I don’t know what does. “Merriweather Post Pavilion” was the nail in the coffin for guitar-based indie music, and its influence is massive. It is Animal Collective’s most popular and mostlistened-to record; everyone heard it. Music fans and internet forums were clamoring for a leak that finally came just a few weeks before the record’s release, and no one went home disappointed. Everyone wanted to create that simple and perfect fusion of ethereal background and cadence-driven pop foreground that came in “My Girls,” the band’s most enduring single and the flagship track of “Merriweather Post Pavilion.” By and by, groups gradually began to successfully mimic the group, both in the aforementioned, homegrown bedroom-pop groups and in larger groups, like Beach House, who grew tangentially with Animal Collective (and from the same city of Baltimore). To look back on “Merriweather Post Pavilion” and remember how great it was, 10 years later, while also wondering why it didn’t influence the music scene as we see it today, is to publicly engage in cognitive dissonance. You can’t have one without the other. “Merriweather Post Pavilion” lives on; it can’t die. Just look at it: it’s still moving.
Need a hobby? Consider joining a club Heber Hurd Student Writer Every fall semester, the University of Tulsa hosts an activities fair showcasing active organizations and various activities students can participate in to decompress and regroup following a stressful day of classes. Some organizations are resume worthy. Unfortunately, the spring semester brings us no such fair. It seems a little odd not to have a fair since there are incoming new students for the spring, so here is a list of some clubs and activities students may find interesting. For a more complete list, check with the Student Association at the student union. Tulsa Thought Initiative TUNA - TU Underwater Adventures: A scuba diver club. Earth Matters: An environmental club. Run TU: A running club. Pay it Forward: Focuses on feeding the homeless. TU A Cappella: Features men’s a cappella. Spoon University: Highlights recipes and food solutions for the starving college student. Alpha Phi Omega: co-ed service fraternity.
From scuba diving to video games, TU has tons of options to choose from.
In addition to clubs and organizations, TU regularly invites authors to visit campus for readings in support of their work, both old and new, providing a perfect opportunity for anyone interested in writing to speak personally with published authors about their experiences and how they became published. Students and families are welcome to readings. There are also plenty of research opportunities for ongoing research with faculty or students may undertake research in their own areas of interest and receive assistance through the TURC (Tulsa Undergraduate Research Challenge) pro-
graphic by Conner Maggio
gram. More information for TURC may be found online at www.utulsa.edu/research/ turc/?highlight=turc. Finally, if you’re looking for more community involvement there are communitybased programs aplenty. As an example, Veterans Treatment Court is a program developed to mentor and assist veterans who are struggling with substance abuse, mental health and homelessness. Information for this and other community involvement opportunities can be found on the Community Service Council’s website, www.csctulsa. org.
14 January 2019
Commentary
The Collegian: 11
Possible hate crime legislation undermines intention of forgiveness
The implementation of the death penalty for hate crimes limits the possibility of parole for convicts. Nathan Hinkle Student Writer Hate crimes are a big issue for the United States as racial, gender-based and political tensions increase across the country. In an attempt to address this problem, federal legislation was put forward to arrest those who threaten another person based on their political, racial or gender identity. In 2009, thenPresident Barack Obama signed into law the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr., Hate Crimes Prevention Act. This act, based on the deaths of two gay men, removed the restrictions that only crimes based on ethnic,
religious or national identity during federal activities, such as voting or going to school, would be known as hate crimes. According to Senate Bill 1105, it would also “award grants to state, local [and] tribal programs designed to combat hate crimes committed by juveniles.” The goal of the bill was to increase the ability of federal and state agents to catch criminals who commit hate crimes. This legislation, as well as state laws regarding hate crime legislation, is in the process of being changed so that specific hate crimes would result in the death penalty.
mercy. Mr. McKinney, I am going to grant you life, as hard as it is for me to do so, because of Matthew.” By creating this amendment to the previous legislation, the government would be going against the wishes of the man who helped inspire the bill’s creation. If the man who had to deal with his own son’s death can show mercy, the government should be able to follow similar policies and avoid this legislation. The death of the criminal does not bring back the victim from the dead. It merely puts the legal system on a similar playing field to the murderer in the act
“Death for death only leads to a continuation of the system in place...” This new change to the legislation would go against the original wishes of Matthew Shepard’s parents: In the original court case against Aaron McKinney, one of the murderers, Matthew Shepard’s father fought to remove the death penalty from his son’s case. In a statement towards McKinney, Shepard says, “I would like nothing better than to see you die, Mr. McKinney. However, this is the time to begin the healing process. To show mercy to someone who refused to show any
of dispensing violence of those viewed as worse individuals. Additionally, the application of the death penalty on hate crimes does not teach or fix any problem in society. While there may be the fear of death, the criminal and any potential accomplices learn nothing from the experience. Criminals who are locked up in jail can potentially receive parole if they have the time to understand their flaws in reasoning and rejoin society. This change
The Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act is rooted in an anti-death penalty history, something the proposed legislation ignores.
may not be all that common, but all options must be taken when the discussion involves real human lives. The concept of one-forone justice that these laws put forward may be equal in a sense, but good people should step above the bar set by murderers. Finally, death for death only leads to a continuation of the system in place. Through the death sentence, we take the person’s life into the hands of the state and potentially make them a martyr for any future crime. Instead of the death sentence, jailing provides opportunity for growth and change into the future. It does not force average citizens to preside over the death of another individual. Through the death penalty on hate crimes, we force not only the jury presiding over the trial but also the judge involved and state employees to make the horrific decision on whether a living person should die. The Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr., Hate Crimes Prevention Act, as well as other similar ones, should not involve the death penalty. It goes against the laws’ founders’ original intent and leads to a cycle of death in which average citizens are forced to be involved. Instead of enforcing the death penalty, we should keep standard practices and find better solutions to halting the occurrence of hate crimes in the United States.
courtesy Fickr
New Years resolutions hinge on setting realistic goals
Trying to be a new you during the new year can be frustrating, with slowly-progressing goals and unrealistic standards. Lizzy Young Student Writer Well, it’s the New Year again, which means many people, including myself, have embarked upon ambitious resolutions. It is routine at the beginning of a year for people to decide to change areas of their lives with which they are dissatisfied What is it about entering into a new year that makes us decide we want to change? Maybe it’s the lure of a fresh start. The beginning of 2019 feels exciting, as if all the things we didn’t like about ourselves in 2018, the fact we ate too much sugar or barely worked out, etc., don’t seem to matter anymore. Instead, 2019 is a clean slate. “I’m going to change, and it’s going to stick this year!” is the optimistic outlook that drives us to make resolutions. While these hopeful goals we set would improve our lives if we stuck to them, the fact is that most of them will not even last a month. According to U.S. News and World Report, 80 percent of New Year’s resolutions fail by February.
Setting different purposes every year and then failing them in a month is obviously a continuous problem. Since this is a persistent cycle, aren’t New Year’s resolutions inherently structured to make us fail? To resolve to do something is what a resolution is, and when we fail the goal we set for ourselves, it is discouraging. The practice of changing our lives seems so daunting because we have failed every time in the past to improve. I think it’s beneficial to take a look at our lives and want to change. After all, if we aren’t evolving, we are decaying due to the natural cycle of life. But how do we avoid the pitfalls that have constantly plagued our efforts to change in the past? Maybe I’m just cynical because I am one of the people who consistently fails and is again consuming large quantities of chocolate by Valentine’s Day. Since I’m in the majority, I can’t help but wonder: how do the other 20 percent of people who stick to their resolutions do it? I think part of it is that I tend to set unrealistic goals. I mean, is cutting out sugar completely on the first day of the year really realistic? After the sugar overload of the holidays, my body is not going to suddenly stop craving cookies and candy. So for New Year’s resolutions to stick, the first step would be to set realistic and doable goals. The second thing is to not get frustrated by small amounts of progress. After all, by February, I’m not going to look like workout guru Jillian Michaels after working out only two days a week. I should just be happy I’m less out of breath from climbing a flight of stairs. That’s my simple and hopefully helpful advice for sticking to my new decision. Who knows — maybe this year is the year I’ll be in the other 20 percent and actually stick to my resolutions for more than a month.
Failing resolutions can be caused by a lack of patience.
graphic by Conner Maggio
The Collegian: 12
Commentary
14 January 2019
The Legislative Digest is your weekly look at the happenings of Oklahoma’s state legislature and the bills and politics you need to know. Raven Fawcett Managing Editor We’re back at school and the Oklahoma Legislature is back at work, kind of. The First Regular Session of the 57th Legislature began at noon on Jan. 8, according to Oklahoma State Legislature’s website. The first session, however, isn’t until Feb. 4. The state legislature is divided into the Senate and the House. Much like the national Congress, each chamber has its own committees. Standing committees are permanent from year-to-year. The Senate has 14 standing committees, while the House has 14 standing committees and subcommittees. Legislators typically belong to more than one committee, but the smaller groups allow for specialization. Committees make recommendations for the chamber to consider when voting on a bill to make the process of voting in or rejecting bills. The Tulsa World reported in November that the legislature this year is characterized by its new members. New legislators account for around a third of the legislature — 57 of the 149 total members (11 of the 48 Senators and 46 of the 101 House members). Nearly 70 percent of the 149 legislators (103 members) have four or less years of experience. The Lieutenant Governor of Oklahoma, Republican Matt Pinnell, was elected in November of 2018 and takes office this week. The Lieutenant Governor is also the President of the Senate. However, the Senate elects a President Pro Tempore who acts as the president in absence of the Lieutenant Governor. The current President Pro Tempore is Republican Greg Treat. He has been a member of the legislature since 2011 and represents District 47. His district covers northwest Oklahoma City as well as parts of Edmond, Deer Creek and Bethany. He, along with Republican Majority Leader Kim David, is an ex-efficio member of all Senate committees. The Speaker of the House of Representatives is elected by House members and is the leader of that chamber. The Speaker is Republican Charles McCaw, a representative of District 22 elected in 2013. His district includes Atoka, Garvin, Johnston and Murray Counties. The Speaker Pro Tempore is Republican Representative Harold Wright of District 57 who was elected in 2009. His district includes Beckham, Blaine, Caddo, Canadian and Custer Counties. If you see any bills that you support or hate, contact your local Senator or Representative to express your opinion. State legislators are more receptive to local feedback, and their legislation directly impacts you. Contact information for their offices and counties can be found on the Oklahoma State Legislature’s website, oklegislature.gov.
Successful democratic immigration policy needs moderation
While gut reactions to immigration policy tend to lean toward extremism, only moderate policies seem politically feasible. Chris Lierly Student Writer Certain debates come along that define the way political discourse gets carried out for the next generation. In American history, the most prevalent examples are slavery in the early republic and government intervention in the market starting around the time of the Great Depression. The first tore the nation in two, and if the New Deal had not been enacted, the U.S. might very well have lacked the strength to turn the tide in the Second World War. Like these debates, the arguments surrounding immigration policy today could go anywhere in terms of policy, but their importance is certain. Immigration is a global issue, but the plight of displaced populations the world over has forced the international community to begin approaching the issue with more urgency than before. The refugee crises in
Syria, Sudan and Myanmar have sent refugee numbers skyrocketing to 25.4 million people. The number of refugees fleeing war, poverty and disease has impacted many nations, including the United States. The migrant caravan that we all saw endless video loops about before the midterms originated in Central America and was simply trying to get anywhere that was not their home country. Both in the U.S. and abroad, there have been numerous responses to the refugee crisis, but two of those responses should scare all invested in a stable and peaceful outcome. One of them comes from a vile place that we all are beginning to recognize is making a return, and the other is rooted in good intentions but lacks the kind of groundedness necessary to ever become reality.
However, there does exist a moderated version of it that accepts refugees and those brought in to a country against their own will, but still looks for somewhat strict immigration policies. This latter position has been taken by both Barack Obama and Germany’s Angela Merkel. The second knee-jerk response comes via the open borders argument. The idea that the world should forget the concept of the nation-state and allow those who wish to move from country to country do so on their own volition without those countries’ governments being able to stop or slow them. This argument is not ill-intentioned like the first one that seeks only to racially homogenize its nation’s people. Instead, this idea’s supporters see all of the immigrant stories
“...if [a moderate] stance is taken by a candidate in 2020, it might be a vital component in the presidential election.” The first knee-jerk response to the refugee crisis has been that borders should not be crossed except by those who are either citizens of that country or those brought in to do work there. Setting aside the fact that this violates the U.N. Refugee Convention of 1951, this kind of argument is often disqualified because the politicians arbitrating to make it reality often have highly racist views about who constitutes the people in their nation to begin with. Its biggest solicitors in the current era (as opposed to its original version in the 1930s) have been Donald Trump, Nigel Farage and Marine Le Pen.
Registration process of refugees in Presevo, Serbia, a transit location for refugees heading to the EU.
and refugee migration and want a world that could provide these people with a better place to live, an idea wrapped up in the American Dream. I will not speak anything bad against the roots of this argument because we should all hope for the kind of world where every generation can live in better prosperity than the last. However, the result of trying to make a world without borders would cause catastrophe for the well-intentioned nations trying to enact such a global policy and worse for the very people it seeks to help. It would have to be a global policy, because a world without any borders requires
every nation in the world to draw back border security to next to nothing. The two major drawbacks to this would be the exploitation of the policy by terrorist groups and countries less inclined towards constitutional values. Conspiracy theorists already make claims about IS having camps at the Mexican border, but a world without borders would have to grapple every day with the kind of threat terrorist groups pose. Many refugees flee terrorist violence, but a world without borders means they would be under such a threat wherever they go. Additionally, the only countries not under threat from terrorists would be those that refused to comply with an open borders policy. Europe is tightening its immigration and refugee policies as the crisis gets worse, and populist leaders have taken power in some of the countries closest to the Middle East such as Italy and Hungary. However, America has a chance to forge a better path; massive immigration reform in the United States could act as a beacon for other nations to follow and, as a result, save millions of lives. What gives the Democratic Party a chance to win is that the Trumpian politicians in America are foaming at the mouth with claims of open borders and weak liberals. Those kinds of claims will seem disingenuous to the American people if Democrats recognize that we live in a world of borders, but also that no one deserves to live in fear of famine, war or persecution. Luckily, this is what the party has done, and if that kind of stance is taken by a candidate in 2020, it might be a vital component in the presidential election.
courtesy Flickr
The State-Run Media
14 January 2019
Ocasio-Cortez caught sinning in newest tweet
Jan. 8 1:15 a.m. Campus Security Officers were called regarding a suspicious individual walking around Kendall Hall. Officers were dispatched to the scene, and after a thorough investigation, they found one of their own officers in the costume shop dressed in a ball gown. The officer was severely reprimanded for getting lost on his first day, and he returned the ball gown after posting pictures on the Campus Security Instagram page.
This newcomer to the political arena goes viral for all the wrong reasons. How will she recover? Conner Maggio Robo-politician Newly elected and recently controversial, Alexandria OcasioCortez keeps stirring up drama through her continued existence. A lone Twitter user with an anime icon alleged that AOC wore a “Wiggles” t-shirt to a Wiggles concert when she was nine years old, a classic poser move in the children’s music scene. The Twitter user then went on to imply that since AOC’s mother bought a CD, it is likely that they listened to the Wiggles on their way home. Two poser moves in one concert. If the American people cannot trust AOC to not be a poser, then how can they trust her to be the punk rock candidate she appears to be? This startling revelations adds AOC to the growing list of false punk idols in politics, including Joe Biden, 80 percent of the Clintons, Jimmy Carter and future-resident Logan Paul. The American people are tired of these false prophets. These controversies add to the increasing list of complaints against AOC. Not that she has done anything recently, all controversies are from five to 23 years ago. And as we all know, people are never allowed to do anything before entering politics, which is why the government is keeping clones of Ted Cruz in small pods until the day they can run for office. How can non-government clones compete? Well, the government already has an efficient way to erase your entire past. AOC needs to go into witness protection, lay low for several years and reappear as a totally separate entity. The fact is that she simply cannot afford to do this like every politician before her has done. She spent her money on “campaigning” and “food” like a fool. Politics has been about how well you can avoid being yourself for years now. Which is why lizard people, a kind and gentle race, have dominated the political scene for decades. But since AOC can’t afford these measures, or to rearrange her DNA to become a lizard, here are some helpful options the American people are likely to see AOC attempt. She could take a vow of silence to atone for her past deeds of doing literally anything. By using this method, she will ensure that she receives the elusive tooka-vow-of-silence vote. Failing that, AOC could transfer her consciousness to a robot, which is infinitely less expensive than becoming a lizard, and use her newfound robot abilities to erase her “past.self” drive, thereby erasing any responsibility for previous actions. AOC is the future of politics, so she needs futuristic options. And who has more accurately predicted the future than think-piece authors? Nobody, that’s who. Think-piece writers have always been correct in their predictions and feelings, which is why Alexandria “the silent” Mecha-OcasioCortez is sure to rule the political landscape.
Compiled by Brennen Gray and Hannah Robbins Jan. 7 4:20 a.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the roof of McFarlin Library to deal with a strange smell. Nearing the roof, the officers reported hearing Pink Floyd increasing in volume. The officers found two students sitting down who looked to be fine. The officers stayed with them to make sure they were in good health for a few hours, then Ubered with them to Taco Bell, where the four of them reportedly spent “like a hundred, man.” Campus security confirmed the bill to be $120.69. 2:30 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to Hurricane Plaza, where a stu-
dent reportedly had used the term “AC-AC” (AK-ək) to refer to the Allan Chapman Student Union, also known as “ACSU” (AK-stůpíd). The officers apprehended the suspect after a long chase that led into Rayzor Hall. The suspect was cuffed and taken to the University of Tulsa Penitentiary, where she awaits trial. 7:00 p.m. While on a routine patrol, Campus Security Officers observed a mob of students huddled in front of Chapman Hall yelling about “flamethrowers” and “hyperbeams.” Upon closer inspection, the officers noticed the individuals were attempting to take down a local Pokémon gym as part of their Student Pokémon Go Club, the second largest Pokémon Go club after Campus Security Pokémon Go Club. The officers played with students for the rest of the day.
Jan. 11 12:34 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the Bursar’s Office to investigate a larceny of $52,234. It turns out the theft was just a tuition payment. 3:45 p.m. Campus Security Officers were called regarding an injured student. Once officers arrived at Phillips Hall, they realized that the individual had only received a paper cut. Campus Security Officers could not locate bandages, so they left the student to deal with the paper cut on their own. Jan. 12 2:13 p.m. After receiving information regarding a noise complaint, University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to Lorton Village. After investigating, Cam-
The Collegian: 13 pus Security contacted the student again, who stated they were complaining that there wasn’t any noise and was hoping Campus Security would find something interesting going on because it’s so quiet all the time. 4:37 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security was contacted with information that an engineering student had admitted that arts and sciences students also have a hard degree. Campus Security was so shocked, they didn’t pay any attention to anything else the student said. 11:30 p.m. University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to Stephenson Hall for a student allegedly having a mental breakdown. It indeed was a code 6969, or a student having a mental breakdown. The student was issued a box of Kleenexes and was taken to his room where he could cry. 11:55 p.m. While on a routine patrol, Campus Security Officers observed an exceptionally sober student meandering around Harwell Field just behind fraternity row. The student responded to every question he was asked, passed the horizontal line test and even mentioned how much studying he got done in one of the houses. No one was hurt in the encounter.
graphic by Conner Maggio
Move out of the way Ned, there’s a new survival guide in town. Brooke-Lyne Holland Barely Surviving College can be a confusing and emotionally-draining experience, especially for a freshman fresh from mommy and daddy’s nest. In the real world of “adults,” freshmen are mere minnows in an ocean of rambunctious athletes, underrated art majors, impossible professors, screwed up relationships and lack of sleep to the point of becoming the walking dead. On top of that, college students are expected to have outstanding GPAs and graduate in a small amount of time. With a bit of luck and persistence, the following guide will push students in the right direction toward the end of the tunnel where, hopefully, their diploma awaits. Tip #111B – Tell the professor that you have a “stomachache” Have you ever woken up hun-
Poser Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dancing at The Wiggles concert.
gover after a long night of “hanging” with friends and have to go to class? If so, and if you just want a day to recover so you can “hang out” again the next night, just email your professor saying you have a stomachache. The professor might believe you, but chances are, because they are a professor who went to college themself, they have been in your place before and know every trick in the book. Tip #247 – DIY AirPods If you are a stereotypical broke college student who does not rely on your parents’ salary, chances are you do not have AirPods but desperately want to fit into today’s crowd. Fortunately, there is a simple solution to this frightening dilemma. First, obtain a pair of scissors, preferably of the kindergarten variety because this is a safe space. Next, cut the cord on your wire earbuds/headphones right where the earbud and the cord connect on both buds. And just like that,
you can be like every other person on campus who is walking around with hundreds of dollars’ worth of technology in their ears. Tip #252 - You cannot have enough rubber Chances are you are a hormonal adult who is or will be sexually active during college. If your momma did not tell you, always keep a rubber on you, in your bedside dresser, in your car and anywhere else you can hide the 2 by 2 inch wrapper. Heck, Alexander Health Center sells 10 condoms for a dollar. Bring $20 there, and you will be set for a long time. If that (or other methods of contraception) does not suit you, then just keep it in your pants and be the pure student that your parents still think you are. Better safe than sorry, because no one likes to go to their school health center to get an STI test. Tip #1 – Coffee, coffee and more COFFEE Last, if you are in need of extra energy after a restless night
of studying, purchase an overpriced drink full of an unregulated amount of an addictive drug, caffeine. Caffeine is every college student’s best friend and allows them to run nonstop for days when professors assign stacks of homework to do in as little time as possible. Some would say that coffee drinkers are addicts to the legal stimulant that looks like liquid evil but smells like heaven. However, those people are crazy because they cannot understand the caffeine drinker’s fast language of caffeine high. Also, if you hear someone say “toot toot” after drinking a cup of coffee, run away, because the smell that follows is horrendous. Follow these tips and you will hopefully graduate college with a decent GPA, no unplanned kids and some of your sanity left intact. If not, becoming a meme creator or YouTuber has become a thing now for oversized children.
graphic by Conner Maggio
the
State-Run media Deemed essential by the government.
Betsy DeVos ends syllabus day Our Secretary of Education decided to throw out syllabuses in favor of innovation. Courtney Spivey Syllabus Traditionalist
Throw away your syllabi. This is America, you li’l pipsqueaks. Yeah, you heard me right, you Tik-Tok watching procrastinator. I called you a pipsqueak, and you’re going to listen to me. Why? Because Betsy DeVos has created a new law punishable by the loss of your diploma. Are you about to graduate? If you have your syllabus, not anymore! Throw that ugly piece of paper with all that useless stuff about mental health help, Title IX stuff, grade portions, overview of classwork and homework assignments away, because this is America, and Betsy DeVos has demanded that you help make it GREAT again. Why has our Secretary of Education deemed it valuable that we now go into each class completely blind and to the mercy of our professors? Simple. Education isn’t “innovative” enough. The school systems are all too close-minded. How did Facebook, Google, Uber and Amazon become the top companies of this digital age? By entrepreneurship. The reason why we don’t have a school system equivalent to these money making machines is obviously because we’re too stale and stuck in the old way of producing goods (aka graduates). Everyone is graduating with so many technical skills that literally no one has the ability to entrepreneur the school systems anymore (smh). That doesn’t make sense, you say. Oh, really? Then how about this? The syllabus is the product of the flat-earthers. What is a flat-earther, you ask (because you haven’t been educated enough by our education system to know)? Excellent question. Betsy will get back to you on that one, but she says, “They definitely are involved in the meddling of some sort of science. There is, for sure, something fishy going on in that area, not to be confused with Area 51.” She will listen for word on them from her little birds and get back to us, but until then, beware! The flat-earthers bring with them the Syllabus. What will you do now without the guide of your crutch, the Syllabus? How will you hope to pass the one semester you decided to stack up on workload and try out the 18-hour hustle? Good news. Betsy herself will single-handedly rewrite our schools’ grading guidelines. Now, instead of being graded on your useless little “technical” and “critical-thinking” skills, she will implement advanced Artificial Intelligence to facially recognize potential successful people. After all, the future is now. Good luck beating that one! At least this might be the push you needed to become the next vlogging sensation on YouTube, or the next great Twitch streamer. God Bless America.
10 things to try this government shutdown With the government closed, laws no longer apply. Take advantage with this list of things you’ve always wanted to do.
Monument with the leftover spray paint. 3. Elect a reality TV Star as president — No government, no regulations on who can rule! Anyone want to see President Kardashian make her royal de-
4. Buy liquor on Sundays — All those formerly oppressed excitizens of the prudish states can now buy liquor on Sunday and drink it the same day. In fact, with federal currency out of commision, the old dollar bill is useless,
Brennen Gray Not Technically a Felon Trump has shut down the government. Now that the feds are dead, state laws are going to come next, followed by local. Behold the New World Order. And since anarchy has finally, by God’s will, triumphed over the tyranny of government, it is necessary draw up exactly what the freed ex-citizens of the United States of America can now do without the burden of laws. Below is the proposed list of buffoonery, hijinks and good ol’ fashioned shenanigans that the good people of this land can participate in. 1. Literal murder — The homicide you have always dreamed of! No laws, no punishments and none of that pesky justice that the government keeps shelling out. In fact, commit as many as you can! This would be like “The Purge: Election Year” except without all those creepy masks. Have fun, everyone! And may the odds be ever in your favor. 2. Graffiti the Statue of Liberty — It may sound a little on the angsty-rebellious-teen side, but since the government has shut down, not only would no one get in trouble, but some sick tags would symbolize the brave new world of lawless U.S.A. as well! Everyone, grab some cans of spray paint and brush up on your phallic imagery. Speaking of which, everyone should head to the Washington
graphic by Conner Maggio As the government falls apart, citizens man battleships, the Statue of Liberty is spraypainted and Niagara Falls is full of suds.
crees form the newly #redecorated oval office? The old government is gone, long live the Madame President! Don’t forget to take the Buzzfeed quiz on your personality type based on which Kardashian you are envisioning as president.
so be ready to trade some weed or food scraps for those drops of liquid courage. 5. Turn all our nuclear bunkers into laser tag arenas — Since no one is using them anyway, what is the harm? It would
be smart to put laminated “Do Not Touch” signs on most of the equipment with apocalyptic potential, but other than that, the renovation would take absolutely no effort. Bonus points on keeping everyone below the age of 15 busy so the adults can have the real party a few miles above on ground level. 6. Rewrite the Pledge of Allegiance — “I pledge allegiance to [fart noise]” for example. Imagine a thousand high schoolers performing the new pledge in an allschool assembly. Now that is liberty and justice for all. 7. Pour, like, a thousand gallons of Dawn Dish Soap in Niagara Falls — Everyone has to have thought about this at least once. The resulting foam would probably fill much of upstate New York! And the city of Buffalo would be the cleanest city on the planet. 8. Play “Battleship” with actual battleships — If no one is using them anyway, and there is no way they will be taken care of without billions of dollars in federal funding, this one is a given. Fun for the whole family! 9. Pick a new national anthem — Perhaps Smash Mouth’s “All Star” could play for our athletes when they win Olympic gold? Come to think of it, Ariana Grande’s “Thank U, Next” could be an emotional tribute to usher in the new era in the ashes of the old one. No? All right, looks like the theme song from “The Office” is going to play before every professional sports game. 10. Public Urination — Yeah, no one can stop you from entering a national park. But the bathrooms are closed indefinitely. Soooo…
Presidential election: voting done right — Tinder style You’ll never guess why the 2020 race will be more eventful and steamy than previous elections!
use Tinder), they decided to use the Tinder Elo score, the algorithm that matches you with other profiles of similar hotness, named af-
candidates would be able to do the same (probably making some 18-year-old intern swipe right on everyone the candidate sees).
Hannah Robbins Actually Prefers Bumble After 231 years, the government has decided the old system for electing a president was outdated (finally). No more of that silly plurality voting based on states and an outdated system of electors. That’s for the past. The government has finally decided that “likeability” or “popularity” shouldn’t be the most important factor. For once, everyone has agreed that the president is just eye candy and the American people deserve a president that is as hot as possible. After all, we see the president on enough TV – we might as well enjoy every second of it, no matter what comes out of their mouth. Once the House of Representatives decided that a new election system was needed and the criteria was set, the House had to decide how to quantify hotness. After thinking for a while (no one in Congress has been in the dating
graphic by Conner Maggio Donald “The Duck Face” Trump on our new electoral swiping system.
ter creator of the algorithm Arpad Elo. Eventually, the House came up with a name for the new app: Tinder-in-Chief. This new app would be pretty simple: right before the
Even the interns might not help, because by some quirk in coding, some people will only have the option to select Republicans, men, or gun owners. No one can figure out why.
“... just like any other reality TV show, the producers will handwave and fudge the numbers so that the candidate that they want will win....” pool for about 40 years), one of the new Representatives thought Tinder might help. After a little research (and a bunch of interns teaching Representatives how to
primaries start, all the candidates in your area, from local mayors to the presidential candidates, will create profiles. Voters can swipe left or right on candidates, and
When the election time comes, the Elo score for each candidate per state will be calculated, and this information will be factored into the results.
After deciding on the Elo score as a way of quantifying hotness, the House proposed a few methods of calculating the new and updated results. The first new method of calculation is simple; we want the hottest president, and it’s not like millennials or honestly anyone under the age of 55 votes anyway, so get rid of voting entirely and just have the presidential candidate with the highest average Elo score win. This seems particularly popular with younger voters, but is polling quite badly with Baby Boomers, most of who have no clue what a Tinder is or know how to actually rate hot people anyway. The second calculation method is a little more complex but familiar. A quarter of all electors will now go to the candidate with the highest average Elo score, with the rest of the electors going as they normally do to the candidate with the highest number of normal votes. Simple enough, honestly. The last calculation method is the most complex. Each state will give a quarter of electors to the candidate that is the hottest, a quarter of electors to the candidate who wins the national popular vote (for reasons that escape half the Representatives) and half of electors will go in the normal plurality for the state way. As of right now, the House isn’t sure exactly how the Elo score will factor in or which of the options to use because, just like any other reality TV show, the producers will handwave and fudge the numbers so that the candidate they want will win. So stay tuned, and you’ll find out on election night!