Satire: I found myself studying abroad

Before University Ambassadors are sent back to the factory for tour reconditioning, here is a list of the best lies you heard when you toured TU’s campus for the first time.

Wahoo! Wahey! Yippee! Woo hoo! Tee hee!

TU’s Yellow Bike Program loans free bicycles to members of the university community. The center for the bikes is open and therefore still advertised to potential students. In fact, you can find several students on a given day riding their yellow bikes toand-fro class! Also, try out a new addition on campus, the Lime Scooters. Well, it was new in 2019.

University Ambassadors are banned from understanding what “hemorrhaging money” means. Have you checked out the Campus Bookstore?

You can bet that our Campus Security, which is properly funded by the way, will be on the scene and attentive to any victim’s needs. Administration also does not ignore the complaints of victims and promptly responds to allegations, especially when it comes to allegations against fraternity members’ sexual misconduct. This is a school

graphic by Anna Johns This campus has everything: forgotten bikes, a slew of people trying to tell you what Bread Co. is, a knight seeking the sweet release of a warrior’s death...

where sexual assault victims are lifted, supported, and—wait, are you sure somebody tampered your drink? Maybe you were just blackout drunk after one sip of your White Claw. You should have completed your mandatory training for alcohol safety.

We are proud to host people of varying cultures, outlooks and languages; in fact, most of our students are from the St. Louis area! In class, you can listen to people from St. Louis ruthlessly and endlessly detail the exotic lifestyle of Missouri: the multitude of warring high schools, the names of neighborhoods (did you know some have French words?), Panera Bread’s real name, Imo’s Pizza preferences and Busch Light supremacy. You will beg for them to stop talking about fucking St. Louis. They will never cease.

Yeah, so maybe he drags his sword against the concrete as he walks, and it constantly makes this godawful screech sound. That’s how you know where he is and to avoid his path, lest you kindle the burning rage burning under his rusted chainmail, the animalistic, bloodthirsty itch he can never get scratched. He’s killed maybe four freshmen who stumbled into his path last semester— that’s the lowest it’s been in years! Did you say you heard him moaning and pleading for the righteous champion, the one who will free him of these earthly confines? Yeah, whatever, dude, we’ve all been in Keplinger and wanted to die. He’s just dramatic.

And I have found that I am better than you.

Truly Mr. Worldwide

I know that this sounds cliche but now that I’m studying abroad in Praha (Prague in Czech), my perspective has broadened so much. Now I understand how much better than everyone else I am. I used to struggle so much with self-esteem, but compared to all those dumbasses who didn’t go abroad? I’m the greatest! Guys, I’m out of my comfort zone so much. I am so excited to be here! Ukraine? Yes, there is one country between them and me. Why do you ask?

Once I learned to say “Dobrý den,” I realized that by pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone so much, I have surpassed my peers and become a true Traveling Free Spirit™. Not everyone has what it takes. I now know that only a person of my superior intellect could survive the adversity of sometimes having to point at what I want on a menu because the waiter nemluví Anglicky (“doesn’t speak English” in Czech, god I am so smart).

I would not say that I travel as a hobby. It is more of a lifestyle really. A lot of people make excuses for why they travel so little, excuses like “I cannot afford it,” “bro, I am working, leave me alone,” or “Sir, you are going to have to leave this Chili’s if you aren’t going to buy anything.” I make no such excuses. Money? You mean that green stuff? Ignore that shit and start living your true self.

Speaking of money, the beer costs so little here. It is only about 30 korun for a halfliter. On the off chance you do not know the current exchange rate, your beloved Chili’s could not touch these prices. They would go out of business. Try it, I dare you. Because beer costs almost nothing, I have decided to drink as much beer as I can at every opportunity. Imagine how much my growing alcohol dependency would cost in the US. I am going to save so much money in the long term. This is amazing!

One of the most important parts of experiencing a new culture simply revolves around interacting with locals. For example, I got called a “kurva” by an 80-year-old Czech man yesterday. I do not really understand what that means, but I appreciate his compliment regardless. Coincidently, the next day I also got called a “kurva” when I said no to a man selling weed on a bike. It must mean something like “what a neat fellow” or something. When you are as worldly as I, nothing really surprises you anymore.

Whether I am crossing the Vltava on the beautiful Karlův Most, or exploring the labyrinthine roads around Pražský hrad, I never lose sight of how demonstrably superior I am to all my untravelled peers. Can I pronounce either of those places, or the number four for that matter? No, but can anyone really say Čtyři? I sure as hell know you can’t.