September 12, 2022

TU Football is back, p. 2 Tulsa Zoo vaccinating animals, p. 4 Biden clinging to American exceptionalism, p. 5 “The Inheritance Games” book review, p. 7 Politicians scrambling after Queen’s death, p. 8

Sports

The Collegian: 2

September 12, 2022

Tulsa Football starts the season in Wyoming Sports writer Joe McCurdy covers TU’s first game of the 2022 season.

Tulsa Football had its first regular season game this past Saturday as they traveled to Laramie, Wyoming to face the University of Wyoming Cowboys. There has been a lot

of hype surrounding the Golden Hurricane leading up to the 2022 season. Not only are they coming off a season where they went on a 3-Game winning streak in order to

courtesy @TulsaFootball on Twitter

finish the season 6-6, becoming bowl eligible and winning the Myrtle Beach Bowl, Tulsa’s first bowl win since 2016. On top of ending on a high in 2021, the 2022 season sees many big names return, one of which is star wide receiver, Keylon Stokes. The leading wideout for three straight seasons (1820), Stokes missed the majority of the 2021 season due to a torn quad. Coming back for his 6th season as a Golden Hurricane meant another weapon for starting Quarterback Davis Brin. Brin, going into his 2nd year as Tulsa’s starting QB has proven he can lead a team to success, and with offensive returners like Juan-Carlos Santana, Deneric Prince and Ethan Hall, Tulsa is in a position to build off of the success they had in the back half of the 2021 season. It all starts with Wyoming.

After getting off to a bad start with a fumbled snap returned for a touchdown, the offense really began to click through the air.

Brin finished the game with a career-best 460 passing yards and 3 touchdowns on 30/52 from the field, connecting with Stokes, Santana, and Malachi Jones on his 3 touchdown passes. All three receivers caught for over 100 yards with Kentucky transfer Isiah Epps barely missing out on being the fourth with 79 yards on 4 receptions, it’s clear our passing attack wasn’t an issue.

A big part of Tulsa’s offense in 2021 was the run game, with coach Phillip Montgomery going with a “running back by committee” type offense. While losing the 5th leading rusher in Tulsa Football history Shamari Brooks, there was still Deneric Prince and Anthony Watkins returning for the 2022 season both of which shared the backfield with Brooks last season. So it was quite a surprise when both Prince and Watkins were not on the depth chart for the Week 1 game.

The loss of these two players was crucial as the rushing attack against Wyoming just wasn’t there, as Tulsa only rushed for 61 total yards compared to Wyoming’s 143 total yards. On top of the lack of rushing, the Oline for Tulsa was composed of players that didn’t start a game the previous season.

Sloppy plays and inexperienced players were eventually Tulsa’s downfall as they lost in double overtime, 37-40, after a shanked kick from Zach Long closed out hope for the Golden Hurricane, which continues the streak as Tulsa has yet to win a Season opener on the road since 2009.

While it was a devastating loss for a team that has had so many positives leading up to the season, the goals for the team are still there, a Conference Championship and a Bowl Game.

Tulsa brushes aside cross-town rival Soccer analyst Ryan Shumaker offers a glimpse of TU’s match against ORU. On Monday night, Hurricane Stadium was brimming with anticipation for a fiercely competitive clash of 918 rivals. While there was more than enough ferocity to go around, hope of a competitive match proved early on to be forlorn. After an even opening five minutes, some quick link up play between Mitchell Cashion and Alex Meinhard sent the Tulsa fullback streaking away down the left-hand side with crossing options in the center. The defensive reaction from Oral Roberts University would set the tone for the rest of the game and gift wrap Tulsa a welcome early advantage. After Golden Eagles’ captain and senior defender whiffed on a halfhearted attempt to foul Cashion, ORU sophomore, Joel Quashie made up for his teammate’s lack of conviction in one fell, shambolic swoop. Darting back at full pelt to close Cashion down, Quashie abandoned all sense of reason at the crucial moment. The midfielder launched himself into Cashion with two feet leading the way, missing the ball completely and giving the referee no other choice but to send him off.

Perhaps it could be justified by an untamed rush of adrenaline to the head, but it was a textbook red card offense and was just the beginning of a rivalry match riddled with recklessness.

It was 10 minutes after going a man down that the Golden Eagles unsurprisingly went a goal down. An out-swinging corner kick from Tom Protzek pinballed around the six-yard box until Wes Bottenburg simply ran into the ball and opened the scoring. An essential part of the standard protocol when facing a superior opponent with 10 men is to refrain from making any rash challenges

that could draw additional heat from the official. However, the ORU men elected to stick to their guns and double down on the approach that saw them reduce 10 men in the first place. As the wild tackles and desperate dives continued, scoring chances began to come at a steady rate for the Golden Hurricane. The two trends aligned in the 21st minute as Malik Henry-Scott attempted to get his head on a cross and met the rising foot of ORU’s Eugene Quaynor. The referee awarded a penalty for Quaynor’s ridiculous attempt at a clearance and cautioned the defender for his dangerous play. Tulsa’s

leading scorer in 2021, Alex Meinhard dispatched the penalty with ease to notch his second goal of the season and double Tulsa’s lead.

With 70 minutes to play and the game all but gone, the sensible course of action is to shut up shop on the attacking front, defend for your life and take the 2-0 loss.

This was the 918 Derby however, and the Golden Eagles’ pride would not allow them to succumb to the trappings of conventional wisdom. For it was just seconds after going 2-0 down that ORU’s first half display was summed up in a sequence of comical

petulance from their captains. Senior midfielder Josseylyn Petel was booked for tackling Meinhard from behind and offered no protest as he was fully aware of his guilt.

However, his fellow captain, Quaynor who had just been cautioned for the foul on Henry-Scott in the box decided to appeal the uncontroversial decision. The referee immediately brandished a second yellow for Quaynor, reducing ORU to nine men just 25 minutes into the game. The game’s first half saw eight bookings total and while the second half was no more competitive, the aggression continued, and Tulsa doubled their goal tally.

Two substitutes were the standouts of the second half for the Golden Hurricane.

Striker Austin Schweinert and left back Gustaf “Goose” Rosengren were thorns in the side of the nine-man opposition and both got themselves on the scoresheet. Schweinert took his goal cleverly. The ball was awkwardly beneath him, so he simply dinked it into the top corner for Tulsa’s third.

Just after the hour mark, Schweinert laid the ball off for the overlapping Rosengren who passed it into the far corner to deal the final blow to an already battered Oral Roberts side.

Aside from the entertainment value of the fouls and sending offs, the win brings more confidence to the Golden Hurricane as they prepare to host third ranked Kentucky on September 11th in what will be their first real test of the season.

courtesy @TulsaMSoccer on Twitter

Sept. 12 - Sept. 18 Monday

Tuesday 12

W Golf Green Wave Fall Classic @ New Orleans All Day

Wednesday 13

W Golf Green Wave Fall Classic @ New Orleans All Day

Thursday

Volleyball @ Baylor 4:00 p.m.

W Soccer Temple 7:00 p.m.

Saturday 16

15

14

none

Friday Volleyball McNeese State @ Waco 10:00 a.m.

Volleyball Sam Houston @ Waco 5:00 p.m.

M Soccer @ FIU 6:00 p.m.

Sunday 18

17

Football Jacksonville State 6:00 p.m.

W Soccer ORU 7:00 p.m.

September 12, 2022

Sports

The Collegian: 3

NFL starting up again

Sports writer DJ Turner provides an NFL off-season summary and expectations for the arriving season.

courtesy @NFL on Twitter The NFL action kicked back up again this week and for NFL fans, and it’s been a long wait. With unexpected trades in the off-season with deals like Russel Wilson’s $296 million contract with the Denver Broncos, who in this same off-season were bought out by Rob Walton, heir to the founder of Walmart, and the Walton-Penner Group association for $4.65 billion. Tyreek Hill also was offered a huge deal this offseason guaranteeing $72.2 million with a four-year $120 million deal playing for the

Miami Dolphins this season. You also have star players like Khalil Mack going to the San Diego Chargers, Davante Adams going to the Las Vegas Raiders, and Matt Ryan leaving the Falcons and going to the Indianapolis Colts.

This off-season really set the tone for how the beginning of football season will go and with so many questions about who is going to do what, and how well they will do it. The NFL comes right out of the gate swinging, with so many marquee matchups

that it just makes you confused as to who you want to watch. Wilson and the Broncos start off against his former team the Seahawks, Patrick Mahomes and the offensively dynamic Kansas City Chiefs face off against the star-studded Arizona Cardinals, and (my favorite) the Dallas Cowboys play the unretired renowned Tom Brady and his Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

There are many big games that are lurking in our near future and those are accompanied by the many players who have long waited for their chance at becoming a NFL player. You got rookies who come from college where they were star players and now have to work their way up the depth chart again, you have late round picks who nobody knows that are longing to make a name for themselves, and you have vets and returners who are ready to come back and attempt to play in and win the one game everybody in the NFL dreams of playing: The Superbowl. Right now, all the hopes and dreams of every NFL team are up (excluding the Detroit Lions) because this is a new season with new people and a new attitude.

The ball has begun to roll and there is no stopping it now. This will be a long hard season not only for the players and teams, but for the fans as well. Fantasy football has begun and players have been selected, so when mid-season hits with all the injuries, suspensions and frustration people’s expectations will constantly be shifting, but let’s not think about that yet. Right now, let’s just enjoy the simplicity of the National Football League reuniting with the world again, because lord knows we missed it.

The NFL action kicked back up again this week and for NFL fans, and it’s been a long wait. With unexpected trades in the offseason with deals like Russel Wilson’s $296 million contract with the Denver Broncos, who in this same off-season were bought out by Rob Walton, heir to the founder of Walmart, and the Walton-Penner Group association for $4.65 billion. Tyreek Hill also was offered a huge deal this off-season guaranteeing $72.2 million with a four-year $120 million deal playing for the Miami Dolphins

this season. You also have star players like Khalil Mack going to the San Diego Chargers, Davante Adams going to the Las Vegas Raiders, and Matt Ryan leaving the Falcons and going to the Indianapolis Colts.

This off-season really set the tone for how the beginning of football season will go and with so many questions about who is going to do what, and how well they will do it. The NFL comes right out of the gate swinging, with so many marquee matchups that it just makes you confused as to who you want to watch. Wilson and the Broncos start off against his former team the Seahawks, Patrick Mahomes and the offensively dynamic Kansas City Chiefs face off against the star-studded Arizona Cardinals, and (my favorite) the Dallas Cowboys play the unretired renowned Tom Brady and his Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

There are many big games that are lurking in our near future and those are accompanied by the many players who have long waited for their chance at becoming a NFL player. You got rookies who come from college where they were star players and now have to work their way up the depth chart again, you have late round picks who nobody knows that are longing to make a name for themselves, and you have vets and returners who are ready to come back and attempt to play in and win the one game everybody in the NFL dreams of playing: The Superbowl. Right now, all the hopes and dreams of every NFL team are up (excluding the Detroit Lions) because this is a new season with new people and a new attitude.

The ball has begun to roll and there is no stopping it now. This will be a long hard season not only for the players and teams, but for the fans as well. Fantasy football has begun and players have been selected, so when mid-season hits with all the injuries, suspensions and frustration people’s expectations will constantly be shifting, but let’s not think about that yet. Right now, let’s just enjoy the simplicity of the National Football League reuniting with the world again, because lord knows we missed it.

Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup outcome Sports writer Zach Sabel covers the conclusion of the knockout cup between finalists Orlando City SC and Sacramento Republic FC. Major League Soccer, through Orlando City SC, has somewhat disappointingly triumphed once again in dominant fashion against the Division 2 United Soccer League’s Sacramento Republic. With a final score of 3-0 many neutral fans walked away disappointed, hoping that this would be the moment a lower league independent team could give MLS a real bloody nose, with the last time a non-MLS team won coming 23 years ago in the form of the now defunct Rochester Rhinos. What Sacramento was able to do should still be considered as a great achievement. Being the first non- first division team in the finals in 14 years is nothing to laugh at.

The Lamar Hunt US Open Cup has a long and storied history within the American soccer landscape, being one of the few constants throughout the changing landscape over the past 100+ years of soccer dating back to 1913. MLS entered the open cup in 1996, its debut season. Since then it has only lost one cup, that being the loss to the aforementioned Rochester Rhinos in 1999. This was also the year that the Cup was named after Lamar Hunt, considered somewhat a pioneer of the game in America, and one of the catalysts for bringing the World Cup to the US in 1994 and helping create MLS in 1996. Now having passed away, his two sons control FC Dallas of the MLS. The previous two iterations of the Cup in 2020 and 2021 were canceled due to the pandemic.

Orlando City came into this game the obvious favorites, being the strong side financially and statistically. Formed in 2015 as an expansion side, they carry the name of the old OCSC from the USL, but technically

courtesy @opencup on Twitter remain a separate entity. This was their first Open Cup final and win. They are coached

by Oscar Pareja (who has now claimed his second Open cup title as coach), and led by players like Facundo Torres, Benji Michel, and Pedro Gallese. At the time of writing, Orlando sits in 5th in the eastern conference, four points safe in a playoff spot with six games to go.

The Sacramento Republic have had an interesting history in US soccer.

Founded in 2012 and instantly being one of the best supported teams in USL, they have made the postseason in all but the 2021 campaign. A team that has as of right now had an MLS bid accepted only for it to fall apart, they’ve still got Major League aspira-

tions and are currently working towards a larger stadium in Sacramento. Under a fairly new manager in Mark Briggs, and led by the likes of defender Keko, midfielder Rodrigo Lopez, and attackers Maalique Foster and striker Douglas Martinez have remained a fairly strong team and look poised to make the postseason in USL once again.

The game, held at Orlando’s home field of Exploria Stadium, was actually fairly competitive for a majority of the time, with Orlando and Sacramento keeping things fairly even in the first half with neither side really getting good chances on goal. The 2nd half is where the game really picked up.

Still quite early, Sacramento would nearly find a goal in the 72’ minute with a lovely

ball sent into the box only for it to be expertly parried away by OCSC keeper Gallese.

Sacramento would have another chance quickly after that would also be expertly saved by Gallese. Orlando would finally break the deadlock and begin dismantling Sacramento in the 75’ minute off of a bad Sacramento pass at the back, a great Michel pass and an amazing Torres strike from the top of the 18-yard box. In the 78’ minute Orlando would launch a beautiful ball over the top to Michel who would get around the Sacramento keeper who came off his line only for a defender to slide in a foul Michel in the box, giving up a penaltyTorres would easily convert. The final deathblow would come in the 96’ minute in extra time with a beautiful Michel run through the middle of the Sacramento defense and a great shot slotted into the lower left corner. The game would end mere minutes later to the jubilation of Orlando and the heartbreak of Sacramento.

The absolute heartbreak of this dream run ending in defeat was evident on the faces of the Sacramento players, some of them falling to the field, unable to hold back the sheer emotion of the moment. The MLS would now be able to once again claim itself undisputed and miles ahead of USL. Hopefully, its hegemony can be broken in next year’s edition of the Lamar Hunt US Open Cup. Fans of soccer can take solace in the fact this Open Cup, after two years of pandemic and hardship, had the largest pool of participants in the tournament’s modern history with 103 clubs participating and 71 of those being professional. US soccer appears to be on a healthy trajectory for years to come.

News

The Collegian: 4

12 September 2022

University of Tusla’s beautification, Roomba style

The University of Tulsa’s new campus initiatives leave students with mixed feelings.

Mary Lickona Business & Adverting Manager

You’ve heard of the cat condos, now get ready for the TU Roomba. As students returned this year, they quickly noticed some new characters on campus.

Over the summer, TU, through Roark Landscaping, enlisted the service of some Turf-Mower 2000’s from ECHO Robotics. These silent, autonomous lawn-mowers, nicknamed the TU Roombas by students, are part of the initiative the University is taking to beautify and improve the campus.

According to ECHO Robotics, the Turf-Mower 2000 is a lawn mower that is eco-friendly, energy efficient and, most importantly, quiet. This is an improvement to other mowing services that are a noisy disturbance and an ideal solution for a college campus, especially when students are deep in the throes of studying and classes. The Turf-Mower 2000 is able to mow 6 acres on a single charge and is kept within the boundaries of its turf by a system of wires that stretch the perimeter of the grass under the Turf-Mower’s charge. Otherwise, the Turf-Mowers have free range over the New and Old U. As one is walking to classes, one can spot the blue machines

with the red Tulsa flag roving slowly in randomized patterns.

This new technological addition to TU has been met with a mixture of enjoyment and displeasure. Some students find the Turf-Mowers quirky and charming, with one student creating an instagram account dedicated to the Turf-Mowers where students can joke

about the newest TU members, going so far as to debate what name they should receive. Other students are less happy, with some now being wary of picnicking on the Old and New U. Students report that they are concerned about whether the Turf-Mowers can sense people or not, and wonder what would happen if someone were resting on a picnic blan-

“This new technological addition ...has been met with a mixture of enjoyment and displeasure.”

A new TU Roomba mows the lawn.

ket and one of the mowers came upon them. Other students argue that the Turf-Mowers do a bad job of mowing, as there are uneven tufts of grass and one can clearly see the paths the TurfMowers take.

Current students aren’t the only ones humming about the Turf-Mowers too.

Alumni have expressed their interest, but also their concern. Similarly to some current students, they are worried about the efficiency and safety of the TurfMowers. One TU alum, Anna Cheshire, who returned to TU over the Labor Day weekend, expressed about the TurfMowers: “As an alumni it was very shocking to come back to campus and see huge, ugly lawn mowers on both lawns. They ruin the beauty of campus and feel like a hazard to students lounging on the lawns or playing sports. They seem to mow in no logical path and leave marks on the grass that look like a toddler was scribbling on them…. I can’t imagine that they are saving us enough money to be worth the hassle.”

As with many of TU’s initiatives in recent years, there have been a lot of unexpected reactions from students and alumni with the integration of the TurfMowers, or the TU Roombas. As TU continues the initiative to beautify campus through automated means, time will tell how the other, non-robotic members of campus welcome and adapt to it.

photo by Mary Lickona

Tulsa Zoo vaccinating animals for COVID-19

Now that a vaccince has been developed for animals, the Tulsa Zoo is vaccinating their more atrisk animals against the disease.

Xayda Alexander Student Writer

Not only are humans at risk for catching COVID-19, but animals are too. The Tulsa Zoo has begun giving their animals vaccines in order to decrease the risk of them contracting COVID-19 from humans.

Some animals are at a higher risk, including tigers, lions, snow leopards, jaguars, bears, chimpanzees and other species.. They will be administering the vaccines in order of which group is at the highest risk, similar to how humans administered the vaccine to the elderly and at-risk population first.

Animal Health and Senior Staff Veterinarian Dr. Kay Backues explains, “We’re offering the vaccine as an additional form of preventative care, further protecting the animals in our care, including many species which are endangered.” The zoo has also taken other precautions to protect their animals from Covid-19 over the past two years. The zoo mandated masks for their employees who work closely with the animals. Also, they installed more hand washing and sanitizing stations throughout the zoo. They recommend all visitors follow CDC guidelines, but there is currently no mask mandate at the Tulsa Zoo for customers.

Some may ask, “Why now?” The time to vaccinate animals is now because humans were the world’s first priority for vaccinations. The first human vaccine was released in Dec. 2020. Now that the vaccine for humans has been available and

fectious diseases in the world are zoonotic and at least 75% of emerging infectious diseases have an animal origin.” These statistics signify how keeping animals well and clean keeps the whole world population healthier.

The COVID-19 pandemic has impacted

the entire planet, even beyond humans. Ensuring the safety of animals, staff and customers from Covid, and all other zoonotic diseases, is noteworthy of the Tulsa Zoo.

“The Tulsa Zoo plans to have all of their animals vaccinated by the end of September.”

The vaccine was developed by Zoetis and was manufactured to be unique to animals. Zoetis is a company dedicated to using science to find new ways to lengthen the lifespan of animals and increase the quality of their lives. Zoetis’ website says, “Zoetis discovers, develops and manufactures vaccines, medicines, diagnostics and other technologies for companion animals and livestock.” Zoetis’ mission and research is helping Tulsa Zoo protect the health of their animals, and all animals around the world.

The Tulsa Zoo plans to have all of their selected animals vaccinated by the end of September. They will each acquire two doses, three weeks apart. The animals are being closely observed to guarantee their health throughout the process. Director of

A jaguar lounges on the rocks at the Tulsa Zoo

improved for almost two years, animals are the next step. Dr. Cathy Knupp, Executive Vice President of Zoetis states, “The idea of “one health” – that animal health is linked to public health – has never been more compelling than it is today as the COVID-19 pandemic continues to disrupt the world with tragic rates of human infection, serious illness and death, along with economic devastation.”

The health of animals directly impacts the health of humans. In order to make sure the spread of Covid among all humans and animals is as minimal as possible, it is important to vaccinate them for zoonotic diseases. Dr. Knupp goes on to say, “According to the World Organization for Animal Health (OIE), 60% of in-

courtesy Tulsa Zoo

A grizzly bear in the wild stands in a stream.

courtesy Wikimedia Commons

September 12, 2022

Commentary

The Collegian: 5

Biden embraces exceptionalist view of U.S.

President Biden upholds the idea that the U.S. is superior in his recent speech, which is the root of the problem.

Dylan Moucka Student Writer My fellow Americans — the words that have opened President Biden’s most recent speech and many others in American history — carry a sentiment that unifies Americans across the country. It is an apt start to a speech about the periling threats facing our democracy. Former President Trump and his followers seek to divide and destroy the country’s democratic institutions because, as Biden notes, they gauge their success on the failings of others. By highlighting the fragility of democracy, Biden breaks with his predecessors in favor of a more realistic, yet eerily somber, view of the present world. For Biden, unification in the present allows for the hope of a better future. To accomplish this, Biden needs to acknowledge that merely refuting Trump is not enough. In order to truly make a difference, the rhetoric would need to address the underlying

problems that gave rise to Trump and have subsequently allowed for Trumpism to be a popular form of discontent for many Americans.

After the First World War, Stefan Zweig noted that The Age of Security in which he grew up had ended. He did not live to see the world after the Second World War, but security ultimately returned in the West, only to be destroyed again by the beginning of the next century. This time, though, it was not a result of war, but a mixture of negligent practices and a willingness to accept myths as reality. Oftentimes, these two went hand in hand. The idea that liberal democracy is the best of all political systems and has no viable alternatives was made popular after the collapse of the Soviet Union in the early 1990s. Western leaders and thinkers propagated this idea, especially to developing countries. The former communist countries of Eastern Europe, many emerging nations in the Middle East and elsewhere have adopted democratic systems in the last thirty years. Notably, though, many of these democracies have collapsed into authoritarianism or at least are much less democratic than they used to be. This is the context in which Biden is referring when he says, “For a long time we have told ourselves American democracy is guaranteed, but it is not.

We have to defend it, protect it, stand up for it, each and every one of us.”

President Biden is correct to acknowledge that democracy has to be supported in order to survive. This rhetoric is welcome, but unfortunately it falls short of addressing the cause of the problem by merely critiquing its outcome. Trump is not just an anomaly; he is not even unique. Him, his ideas and their popularity are products of the blindness caused by American exceptionalism, though as Ivan Krastev notes, Trump rejects

the idea of America being exceptional in favor of a view of America as the victim of today’s world. For Trump, America is not better than any other country through its democracy, freedom, opportunities or any of its other values. Quite the opposite: America is better than other nations when it quells competition in order to project American superiority. The irony of Biden finally acknowledging the failings of liberal democracy is that Trump has been speaking of it for years, except Trump speaks about it as the one who has actively weakened democratic institutions.

The prosperity of the 20th century led many Americans to embrace the idea that their nation is greater than other nations.

The 20th century, however, was not as kind to other parts of the world. As a result of the death and destruction brought by the two world wars, many European countries viewed nationalism as the scourge that brought ruin to their societies. It was ubiquitously viewed as a dangerous ideology and had actively been avoided by the very same countries who supported its beliefs in the pre-war years. In the United States, though, the Second World War solidified American ideas of their own supremacy. By helping to rebuild Europe after both world wars, the United States emerged as a phoenix out of the ashes of total war.

Biden upholds this idea of American exceptionalism. He espouses that the world needs America as a place to look to for inspiration. This is another myth and it is equally ridiculous. It implies that America is the best country in the world, not based on the merits of its own society, but on the idea that every other society is inferior to America. To be the best, by definition, means that others have to be worse, but this misses the more significant point that one can always be

better. Biden has been careful not to deliver this message so obviously. Instead of speaking about the glory of American exceptionalism, he speaks of the soul of the nation.

These are not two separate ideas: they are one idea that is being called two different things. Through a strong liberal democracy, according to Biden, America’s soul acts as a unifier of all peoples. This is not a new idea, nor is it unique to America. In other countries where nationalism is prevalent, such as Russia, the idea of a national soul imagines that one people possess traits that make them superior to other peoples. It is important to realize that exceptionalism of any kind is part of the problem. It is not possible to be a solution. Americans are not inherently better than any other people in the world and the situation in America is not going to improve by simply including more people into the myth of a great nation.

courtesy wikipedia President Biden gave his “Battle for the Soul of the Nation” speech on Sept. 1 outside Independence Hall in Philadelphia.

Trump’s Mar-a-Lago scandal “Quiet quitting” is not the uncovers potential treason cure to your career problems

Over 100 classified documents were found at Donald Trump’s country club. Some documents could implicate him in treason.

Victoria Grossman Student Writer You have probably heard about the investigations into former President Donald Trump recently. Hopefully, you’ve heard about the recent FBI raid that uncovered more than 100 classified documents — documents which should be held in secure locations — which Mar-a-Lago has proved time and time again to not be. Taking classified documents is a felony, according to 18 U.S. Code Section 1924, and carries a prison sentence. It doesn’t take a genius to see that crimes were committed at Mar-a-Lago, and

cover pages and headings of most of these documents. One document in particular, towards the bottom of the photo, front and center, appears to be a list of spies. How would a list of American spies help a former president, you ask? Well, that list of spies would certainly benefit enemies of the United States, and therefore be a hot commodity among those groups. Read: he was likely selling them. Back in October 2021, the CIA sent a secret message to all of its intelligence outposts warning of a drastic increase in agent deaths, particularly in Russia and the Middle East—areas where Trump made a specific point to ally. Coincidentally, it has since been revealed Russia was sponsoring a bounty on dead American forces. While no one in the intelligence community has officially put forth the theory, it is not unlikely that Trump would remain in contact with leaders of these nations following his presidency, especially since he was so puzzlingly interested in their allyship.

Another interesting layer here is the suspicious investment Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, received from the Saudi government. Following his departure as White House advisor (assuming, of course, he did anything else but draw a paycheck), Kushner formed Affinity Partners, a private equity firm, and was hard up for cash funding.

The Saudi crown prince, known far and wide for flagrant human rights violations, wrote Kushner a $2 billion check despite warnings from government aides that this investment

“It doesn’t take a genius to see that crimes were committed at Mar-a-Lago ...” not just that awful choice in carpet. Despite the ever-growing and overwhelming pile of evidence against the former president, no meaningful moves are being made to prosecute him for crimes related to his actions during his presidency. This seems particularly ridiculous in the face of all the, shall we say, funny things that keep happening as a possible result of him stealing said documents.

Following the raid, the Department of Justice published a picture of some of the documents uncovered, of course with the sensitive information obscured. What was available to all eyes, however, were the

courtesy wikimedia commons Taking classified documents is a felony, but Trump has not yet been prosecuted.

might be risky given the firm’s lack of experience. This occurred approximately six months after the Trump administration left the White House and a few months before the CIA started warning of high casualties.

It seems to me that the Saudi crown prince might have gotten more out of this deal than a possible return on investment.

If, in fact, it turns out the Trump family was selling top secret documents to foreign actors, they are all certainly guilty of treason. Trump and his allies have committed crimes right out in the open, leaving the imagination to wonder what awful sins they took the care to hide. No one should ever complain about Hillary Clinton’s emails again.

This new trend in the workplace is allegedly a solution to burnout.

Leslie Graff Student Writer The wider internet has recently come to the conclusion that “quiet quitting” is a cure-all for workplace stressors. The solution for exhausted and overworked employees is to abandon the concept of doing your best in the workplace, and instead do the bare minimum of what the job requires. This system claims mental health benefits and a revolution for the greater work industry as a whole, but when I first heard the term, I was skeptical. Over the course of my research, I have determined that quiet quitting is not the path to work-life balance. In actuality, quiet quitting can not only deplete your mental health, but will also fail to improve work environments, and can actually damage your career path to a dangerous degree.

Quiet quitting is rarely a wise decision.

Its proponents speak to theoretical mental health benefits, however, this only serves as a temporary solution to the stressors that deplete your time and energy. On one hand, it is argued that quiet quitting helps establish boundaries and can improve work-life balance by distancing the employee from their work. On the other hand, the unintended consequences of quiet quitting could become more of an anxiety than the current job someone is unsatisfied with.

First of all, quiet quitting is not ideal for anyone who wants to move up in their place of work. Employers, when looking to promote someone, will not only look for someone who is successfully completing their tasks but also going above and beyond the requirements of their station. This is because if you are promoted, you will have a job that requires more effort from you than your current one does. This means that the employer may want to see if you are capable of working above your station in order to see if you are promotion material. Therefore, individuals who do not go above their hired duties will fail to be promoted and will not receive additional rewards for their

work. Not only does quiet quitting impede job advancement, but it can also hinder your ability to keep your job at all.

Take for example marginalized communities of workers who have historically had difficulty getting into their industry. “Unfortunately in corporate America minorities are held to a different standard. We are looked at differently, there is unconscious bias still, and so we have to go above and beyond to be successful.” These are the words of corporate mentorship expert Jha’nee Carter, owner of The HRQueen, whose video on the issue warned minorities about quiet quitting.

The truth is, quiet quitting weakens job security in an already unstable economic era. Many economists already believe we are either going into or are in the midst of another recession. 49 macroeconomists were surveyed by Financial Times in collaboration with the Initiative on Global Markets, and 68% of them were recorded as predicting the next recession happening as early as 2023. This means it may become difficult to find and keep jobs in the near future. Just as the great resignation swept the nation during the prime of the pandemic, the great firing may just as soon be upon the corporate world.

This means quiet quitting could become dangerous for not only younger workers in the industry (as fresh hires are often the first to go when there is cause for layoff), but also for historically marginalized communities in the workforce, such as racially diverse groups, women and members of the LGBTQ+ community. People who have had to work hard to land a job should not give in so easily to the allure of quiet quitting.

Carter continues this train of thought saying “If we are not meeting those expectations, we are the first on the chopping block.”

Quiet quitting, as we have already seen, can lead to job loss which can also lead to a decline in mental health as a result. The only thing more stressful than having a taxing job is losing it and having to find a new way to keep a roof over your head. Before deciding quiet quitting is the best course of action, speak with your employer or manager and address your concerns. Working yourself to the bone and not being correctly compensated is never ideal, so bring up concerns and boundaries with your boss. It might help you create a better workplace environment not just for yourself, but for your fellow employees. Ask for that promotion or raise first. You shouldn’t sacrifice your time for unfair pay, but we all must be mindful of what’s going on in America and play the game to an extent. Workers who are burnt out may use quiet quitting to cope with a stressful work environment. Still, they may find that this will eventually lead to quitting their job or worse unless employers better address workplace challenges as well as working conditions for their employees.

The Collegian: 6

Variety

September 12, 2022

The devil works hard, but Taylor Swift works harder Taylor Swift’s big story behind the release date to her next album.

Hannah Doom Student Writer Once again, Taylor Swift is taking the internet by storm with the announcement of her tenth album. At the VMAs on Sunday, Aug. 28, 2022 Taylor (drunkenly, according to fan speculation) announced the release of her new album “Midnights,” which will be released on October 21. The world is buzzing with excitement and preparing itself for whatever Taylor has up her sleeve this time.

On August 28, Taylor posted the announcement on her Instagram page. The album contains thirteen tracks; each track is described as a “sleepless night” in her life.

“This is a collection of music written in the middle of the night, a journey through terrors and sweet dreams,” Taylor writes. She states that this album is “for all of us who have tossed and turned and decided to keep the lanterns lit and go searching - hoping that just maybe, when the clock strikes twelve.. we’ll meet ourselves”. The image, already being investigated for easter eggs by myself and other fans, exhibits Swift hunched over in a chair in a softly lit room, with one hand resting on her head and the other loosely holding a telephone.

In only two years, Swift has released a whopping total of four albums. This in-

cludes two new albums, “Folklore” and “Evermore,” one of which won a Grammy for “Album of the Year”. The third and fourth albums are reproductions of her earlier albums, “Fearless (Taylor’s Version)” and “Red (Taylor’s Version)”. Taylor works hard and consistently dominates the charts.

Social media is already covering all of the conspiracy theories regarding Taylor’s new album. Taylor is well known for her lucky number thirteen, which is coincidentally the same number as the number of tracks on her upcoming album “Midnights”.

However, one of the most important conspiracies regards the dates Taylor is releasing “Midnights.” Concerning the date of the album announcement, let’s travel back to the 2009 VMAs. Thirteen years ago, almost to the day, an infamous VMA scandal occurred. Taylor had just received her award for “Best Video by a Female Artist,” when Kanye West stormed the stage and ruined her speech, claiming Beyonce should have won the award. This pop culture moment will live on forever and was the start of one of the biggest internet scandals of all time.

All of this to say, Swift is an expert at comebacks, and the fact that she announced her new album thirteen years after the Kanye incident certainly is no coincidence. In regards to the actual release date for “Midnights,” there is almost too much drama to cover in one article. To put it simply, October 21 is Kim Kardashian’s birthday It also just so happens to be National Reptile

Awareness Day. Or for pop culture lovers, National Snake Day. Taylor’s album announcement has shocked fans all over the world and has everyone counting down the days until midnight on October 21. Anticipation is high, as

there is wondering what scandal might occur from Taylor’s new album. “Midnights” is available for preorder on Taylor’s website and can be accessed on all streaming platforms on October 21.

Courtesy @taylorswift13 on Twitter Taylor’s newest album “Midnights” will be released on Oct. 21, 2022 at midnight.

A Review of Nope (2022)

How one film became one of the hottest summer releases Guy Broom Student Writer

See Me After Class is a weekly column where a different professor reveals their variety favorites.

Shelby Hiens Commentary Editor Dr. Kate Williams is an adjunct professor of composition who received her B.A. from Oakland University, M.D. from Eastern Michigan University and Ph.D from TU. She worked her way from freelancer to business owner, founding her very own company People First Content in 2018. Williams is passionate about content creation and strategy for small businesses. Before she was creating companies, Williams cofounded her high school’s first women’s water polo team.

What was the last book/movie/show that you actually found funny?

I tend to gravitate toward more dark topics in books and movies, like true crime. My favorite laugh-out-loud TV shows are The IT Crowd and Schitt’s Creek.

What’s your favorite Tulsa restaurant?

Do you have any food/restaurant routines?

A few months ago, I would have said Laffa, but they closed down! I live in Broken Arrow, so we frequent Dos Bandidos in the Rose District. It’s my family’s go-to for good tacos and Mexican fries.

Is there a media/pop culture/entertainment/music side to you that students wouldn’t expect?

I played the viola through high school and was in the pit orchestra for Grease [sic] at my high school. I’m relearning it after 20 years now that my kids are both in orchestra. Also, Elton John is my all-time favorite musician. I have seen him in concert twice; once with Billy Joel in Detroit and then in

Have you ever been to a rural area such as a farmland or ranch and gotten the feeling of something not seeming right, something that could be related to extraterrestrial beings? If you have, you should check out this 2022 horror film written and directed by Jordan Peele. Even if you have not had that feeling before, I highly suggest checking out this Film. “Nope” stars Daniel Kaluuya and Keke Palmer as siblings who experience paranormal activities relating to their family’s ranch.

Jordan Peele does a brilliant job of driving a plot with aspects of upholding a legacy, family and persistence using horror, action and even some comedy. The film has a unique presentation as it uses chapter titles to divide its story in several parts,which seemed to have a different vibe for each chapter. The casting of this film is also well done. Daniel Kaluuya and Keke Palmer have good chemistry which show the viewers the sibling bond these two characters share. Other notable performances include Steven Yeun, Brandon Perea and even a guest appearance from Keith David. Another impressive area of this film was the implementation of visual effects as they were used a perfect amount to show key areas of

it and did not seem to be forced at any time.

Overall, these things make this a good film that I highly suggest that you go out and see.

One thing, however, that did not seem right with this film was how it cut to various times so effortlessly. How one moment you would be watching a UFO go by, and the next you would be seeing a sit-com birthday gone horribly wrong, and it never really takes time to address this and forces the viewers to do a little work by linking up these plot details, which may seem like a good or bad thing depending on what you want to expect from a movie. Another flaw is that the ending just seems random as it felt like the film should have ended at some point before and it felt like it was dragging it on for extra time.

But if you see this as a flaw, do not let it prevent you from seeing this film. I guarantee you will find it to be as good as I say.

Yeah, the random cuts can be a little annoying as at first they seem to not make sense to the overall plot, or the ending came out of heavy left field. But I still enjoyed my time watching it from start to finish.

Overall, “Nope” is the best film I have seen this year so far. Its story was a little confusing at the beginning, but by the end of the film, and with a little thinking, it became cohesive, enjoyable and made complete sense. Again, I highly suggest that you go out and see this film, because you will not regret it if you do.

“There’s nothing better than sitting down with a huge cup of tea and a book!”

What’s your favorite book? What book would you say all undergrads need to read before they graduate?

My favorite book is Paradise by Toni Morrison. It’s a bit heavy and dark, so I recommend it if you have the time to really let it sit with you when you’re done.

I think all undergrads should take the time to read something they like to remind themselves that reading can be fun. For example, the first thing I read after finishing my Ph.D. was The Hunger Games trilogy. Sometimes you just have to ignore the canon.

What’s reading like for you? Is there a specific setting, mood, drink set-up?

There’s nothing better than sitting down with a huge cup of tea and a book! These days, though, I usually only have time to read before bed, in which case it’s just me with a reading light trying to get in as much as I can before I fall asleep (I usually only make it a chapter or two).

Is there a movie/show that you always return to?

Schitt’s Creek, The IT Crowd, and The Office are my go-tos after a long day.

Tulsa a few years ago for his Goodbye Yellow Brick Road tour.

What was it like to make the leap from freelancer to business owner?

Initially, it wasn’t too bad. I was making a profit and already had systems in place to get clients. However, things changed once I started adding employees. It can be way more stressful to own a business than work as a solo freelancer since others rely on you so much for their livelihood. But when you get a big team win, it’s also way more fun and rewarding!

courtesy Dr. Williams

Nope is the newest release from director Jordan Peele.

courtesy @JordanPeele on Twitter

September 12, 2022

Variety

The Collegian: 7

“House of the Dragon” takes different path as a fantasy series

“Game of Thrones” Prequel is the show to watch and heres why.

Zach Sabel Student Writer “Game of Thrones” is back with arguably the biggest show on streaming right now, next to the new “Lord of The Rings” show.

This new show, titled “House of The Dragon,” is a prequel to the original series, taking place 172 years before the birth of Daenerys Targaryen, whom we all know as having been played by Emilia Clark in the original

heir Daemon Targaryen, played by Matt Smith, and the King’s Daughter Rhaenyra, played by Emma D’Arcy. All of the actors play their part well, but there is one character, a prostitute to whom Daemon takes a liking, who is played with this weird pseudo-French accent even though the actress is British in real life. It’s off-putting and very hard to understand, but luckily she does not have more than a few scenes of speaking parts. I did have to rewind her scenes and turn on captions to really understand what she was saying.

What separates a fantasy series like “House of The Dragon” from something like “Lord of The Rings” is that it concerns

“No one in this show feels like a good person, yet they’re all still likable enough for one to remain interested and invested, which is usually a hard balance to strike in a show like this.” series. The series is based on the novel “Fire & Blood” by George R.R. Martin, so fans need not worry about it taking as many liberties as the later season of GoT did. It covers the beginning of the downfall of house Targaryen and has a large and well-rounded cast of characters. The two principal characters are King Viserys I Targaryen, played

by Paddy Considine, his brother and initial

itself much less with adventures and much more with intrigue and political conflict.

And these themes are present from the very opening scene of the show, with the heir of the previous king being chosen by votes from the lords. No one in this show feels like a good person, yet they’re all still likable enough for one to remain interested and invested, which is usually a hard balance to strike in a show like this. Even though

there are dragons and mysterious monsters to the north (as we learned in the original series and that this series references early), it’s a very grounded fantasy setting, one that could be comparable to places like feudal England with the brutality of its kings supposedly anointed by God. They are not afraid to get what they want and are willing to spill blood for it.

The landscapes and scenery are not as nice as other shows right now, the costumes look great and the fight scenes are very fun and well choreographed. This show being the “House of the Dragon,” there are plenty of dragons who feature in the early episodes, and they look awesome. They feature as the grand imposing figures they should be, and when they show up in tense scenes, you can see everyone get even more tense or nervous, knowing the power that these dragons are capable of. The intrigue and looming threat of war by the end of episode 2 has me very excited for the rest of the season, which is something I can’t say for a lot of TV recently. I look forward to the rest of the season and hopefully as good as season 2 that has already been announced and is in the works.

courtesy wikimedia commons “House of the Dragon” takes place before the events of “Game of Thrones”

“The Inheritance Games:” A risky gamble that doesn’t entirely pay off A personal review of the YA novel The Inheritance Games by Jennifer Lynn Barnes

Anna Lackner Student Writer With the release of the third and final book in the Inheritance Games Series, “The Final Gambit,” on August 30, I believe it is an appropriate time to reflect back on the book that began it all for the sake of new readers looking to dive into the now completed trilogy. I first learned of the “Inheritance Games” (book #1 in the “Inheritance Games” trilogy) via Tiktok. The author, and fellow readers, describe the book as a sort of YA “Da Vinci Code,” full of intrigue, double crossing and charming billionaires.

The book is centered around seventeen year-old Avery Kylie Grambs (take notice for all you anagram lovers) who lives out of her car, struggling to escape her circumstances. Her entire life is uprooted, however, when she is notified that she has inherited the entire (or technically nearly-entire) fortune of a Texas billionaire. The strangest part? She has no idea who the man was. Together, with the help of his four recently disinherited and devastating handsome grandsons, Avery works to uncover the truth.

Based on these descriptions, I was extremely excited to read this book. I am typically not the biggest fan of mystery nov-

In this weekly column, our managing editor Maddie Walters talks to musicians about their craft.

Maddie Walters Managing Editor Roger Harvey Interview Music and Mayhem with Maddie continues with Philadelphia’s Roger Harvey. Harvey’s first two albums, “Twelve Houses” and “Two Coyotes,” show his journey as an artist, working his way through the genres of punk, alt-rock and indie. In 2019, he found his niche in the sweet twang of folk and country music with the perfect marriage of the best aspects of each genre.

Since then, he has released 12 folk and country singles, tackling important political issues like immigration and non-violent drug offenses with concept songs such as “Two Coyotes” and “Last Prisoner.” What’s his inspiration for songs like this, you ask?

Understanding. “Songs like these are important to me because I’m trying to make sense of life just like everybody else,” Harvey says, “Music to me is about togetherness; capturing a feeling, a moment in time &/or making our own sense out of life.”

One of his newest releases, “What a Weird Hill to Die On,” is from the perspective of a Capitol Insurrection participant’s progression from an idle supporter to par-

els; however, this one was presented more through the lens of a deadly competition.

Based on the synopsis given on the back cover, I was expecting a modern day “Hunger Games”-esque fight for the fortune, with plenty of romance and plot twists along the way.

In reality, the story fell a little flat. In my opinion, this is first due to the fact that the “game” is less of a physical high stakes fight and more of a battle of wits. The danger and competition simply did not reach the level described on the cover. Secondly, the novel was lacking in characterization.

Frankly, several of the characters were living stereotypes and had no dimension, color or quirks. Grayson’s whole personality was tied up in being the serious, morose, harsh brother with a secret soft spot for his family and eventually Avery. Jameson, on the other hand, was the stereotypical wild one, who hid his true emotions by chasing thrills and layering on sarcasm. Both of them were simply too reminiscent of Wattpad love interests for me to connect or relate to their characters in any way. The youngest brother, in contrast, was superbly written.

Xander’s character alone makes the trilogy worth a read. He is one of the most lovable characters I have encountered in a long time and is the perfect mix between the kindness of Baymax and the mischief of Mushu. In terms of plot, the story moves fairly quickly and the mystery, while somewhat surprising, is still easy to follow.

taking in the riot after the results of the 2020 election. The song ends with the participant sitting in his federal jail cell with a refrain of the chorus, “Have you considered maybe you’ve been fooled by the people you swore were telling the truth, even though they’ve never done nothing for you.”

In the past, country and punk music have received a lot of backlash for their exclusivity, meaning you had to fit into extremely constrictive molds largely excluding women, POC and LGBTQ+ individuals. While

All in all, I would rate the “Inheritance Games” three out of five stars. While this book is not earth shattering, it is a fun, light and entertaining read. If you are looking for

“The Inheritance Games” is the first book of a three-part series.

est record will consist of rewritten versions of traditional folk music with a large number of those songs being Woody Guthrie’s.

During the recording of this album in Fort Worth, TX, Harvey made sure to visit the Woody Guthrie Center here in Tulsa. “I’ve always wanted to see the Archives & the Woody Guthrie Center. I was glad to see them carrying on the legacy of its namesake through community work in Tulsa to develop a space of inclusivity,” he says.

He even visited Guthrie’s hometown, Okemah, to pay respects to the late songwriter’s memorial in Highland Cemetery.

“Okemah was a trip. The folks I met in town were happy to talk about Woody with me. I hope to have the opportunity to play the Woody Guthrie Festival someday there.” He also explored Pampa, where Guthrie lived and worked as a teenager before being displaced by the Dust Bowl. “ He credits this journey with connecting him even closer to Guthrie.

“Life on the road ain’t for everyone but for me it’s where I’ve always felt the most at home,” he says. the punk scene has made progress in regards to these issues, it seems like country music is still finding its way down this long road.

Roger Harvey doesn’t deny the not-so-great aspects of the genre. “Country music as an industry has a racist & exclusive past that cannot be ignored or rewritten but there are so many of us, who have long been considered outsiders, that are participating & in turn building new communities that are more interesting, more inclusive & in my opinion better,” he says, “I’m honored to be connected to so many people who are sharing a different story to the one that the industry of country music has been selling & reselling for the past hundred years.”

One of Harvey’s first and biggest heroes is Woody Guthrie, who has inspired him time and time again. In fact, his new-

a distraction from the back to school stress, I would recommend this novel. And, I assure you, the second book in the Inheritance Games Trilogy is better than the first one.

Upon returning to Texas, his friend Simon Flory talked about Harvey’s anomalous life, saying “You know Roger, most people don’t do this kinda thing with their lives.” Harvey takes this in his stride. “I’ve been out here for about 25 years chasing Woody Guthrie’s ghost.”

During those 25 years, Harvey has moreor-less stayed on the road touring the U.S. and even internationally. “Life on the road ain’t for everyone but for me it’s where I’ve always felt the most at home,” he says.

Recently, he started a viral Twitter thread encouraging other musicians to share their wildest tour stories. When asked about this conversation and why so many unbelievable things happen to musicians, he says, “I always say that the more you look the more

courtesy wikimedia commons

you’re bound to see. Something about the road either invites chaos or just makes it more visible.”

So what does music mean to Roger Harvey? It’s a chance to make a community. Though he grew up around the punk scene, he doesn’t limit himself to the title of “punk-rocker,” nor does he simply call himself a country singer because he’s from rural Pennsylvania and likes to sing about it. “I think the only thing I’ve ever truly related to is being an outsider but over the years I’ve met & built a network of so many beautiful outsiders I don’t know if I can even call myself an outsider anymore,” he says, “I guess, I’m an outsider but I’m not alone anymore.”

To him, music is love. He writes songs because he has a love for people. “[Music] has brought me together with so many people & I love that because being together with people gives me hope & there are so many more I’ve yet to meet,” he says candidly.

Since the pandemic started, DIY musicians like Harvey have taken a hit as they have been unable to go out on the road to perform and gain new listeners. Harvey voices the struggle, “For those of us that work in music, we’ve watched an already difficult industry turn into a nearly impossible one. As artists, we have had to adapt & diversify how we see & do the work.”

As a way of funding his next full length album, Harvey started a Patreon called “Record Club” where supporters will receive 7” vinyls quarterly, digital downloads and a monthly review. Other ways of supporting musicians in this transition period is by buying advance tickets for concerts, purchasing merch online or at shows and simply sharing music on social media.

If you’re looking for a way to support musicians during this time, consider becoming a patreon to Roger Harvey’s “Record Club” on Patreon at the following link: https://www.patreon.com/rogerharvey

The State-Run Media

September 12, 2022

the

State-Run media ding dong the witch is dead

Queen’s death jarring for U.S. politicians Numerous governmental officials in the United States have begun acting upon impulse in a moment paralysing the U.K. Zach Short Everyone’s favorite Editor-inChief and Nicki Minaj fan.

Article republished with permission of The Telegraph.

In wake of her majesty’s passing, many American politicians have felt the reality of their own potential demise. Efforts therein have grown split between attempts to prolong further the unholy accumulation of years known only to U.S. politicians and to abstain from the stoic denial of pleasureseeking.

Senator Dianne Feinstein of California was spotted attending a black mass mere hours after reports of the Queen’s death made headlines last Thursday. Feinstein, 89, had reportedly split ties with all churches of the occult as far back as 2018, when she won a fifth full senatorial term. The state’s senior senator slaughtered as many as five goats by sundown, one for each vertex of the standard sacrificial pentagram, and local media outlets reported speculation that she offered another soul to her dark lord in the form of a virgin, purchased with the aid of a little-known subsidy of the Biden administration. Feinstein has at this time already requested papers for a reelection bid in 2024, at which point she would be 91 years of age.

For President Biden himself, however, the day proved one of good humour. White House staff saw the president cracking jokes about the deceased Anglican and inquiring as to who currently qualified in the Stuart line of succession. The commanderin-chief likewise changed his tie from orange to green immediately upon hearing

Her Majesty was survived by her four loving children/third cousins, once removed.

the news himself. In an impromptu meeting, Biden revealed to his advisers a new policy of nonrecognition for King Charles III, reportedly saying that “with the last vestiges of colonialism behind us, nothing stands in the way of Ireland uniting under a single flag.”

Many republicans have also begun behaving differently with the sober reminder of mortality, perhaps most notably among them Mitch McConnell. Multiple reports place him at a costume party in Harrison, Arkansas on Friday, Sept. 9. In a room where all other guests had donned sheet ghost costumes, the Kentucky senator had instead opted to break etiquette, arriving in a therapeutic mud mask that completely covered his face, presumably in an attempt

to de-age in physical features. Party guests took the gesture well, laughing and jokingly pretending to throttle him.

17 different girls at a middle school near Fort Walton Beach in Florida also reported the district’s U.S. representative Matt Gaetz had redownloaded the messaging app Kik shortly after the Queen’s passing.

Spectators have argued the move aligned only coincidentally with the tragic news, as Gaetz himself is much younger than other panicked officials. Others more willing to subscribe to the link have argued age might not matter and that his crisis does not necessarily constitute a purely existential one, that he may instead have taken the moment as a reminder of seeking the pleasures that make him feel young.

graphic by Kyle Garrison

And many other politicians from the former colonies have made similar moves.

Reports place Vermont senator Bernard Sanders at no fewer than 14 of Burlington’s hottest clubs and bars, ingesting cocaine, a Schedule II narcotic in U.S. law, off the arse of a dancer at two separate locations.

Iowa senator Chuck Grassley and Missouri senator Roy Blunt confessed feelings for one another and have scheduled to depart on a European tour together Wednesday, Sept. 14, visiting Paris, Amsterdam, Rome and Athens. And finally, former president Donald Trump spent the week with family, sharing with one another what stories and secrets had evaded the hands of federal investigators.

Sororities pledge to better support brunettxs TU Panhellenic Council pledges to work towards a future with more hair color diversity, fraternities protest.

Kyle Garrison Deemed a “bitch-ass” by the fraternity recruitment table at the activities fair.

Ever working towards a progressive future, the Notorious RBG-pin-wearing chairwoman of the Panhellenic council made a public statement on the trajectory of future sorority demographic makeups. Her speech highlighted that “it’s not the hair color that matters, it’s whether or not you dress and act in the mold that our proud sorority wants, just like MLK said. Immaculate vibes.”

She continued “for too long the benefits of cronyism-based ‘networking’ have only helped blonde, white women. I want my kids to grow up in a world where even rich white brunette women can fully reap the benefits from joining a wealth-gap preserving organization such as this.” This speech inspired many students, especially rich white women who frequently tell lo-income POC women they don’t know the pain of being a woman over five-foot five, and then immediately ask to touch their hair. We interviewed women on campus to get a feel for the student reaction to the speech.

The daughter of a local oil tycoon explained that, while this is a step in the right direction, it is important to see these issues through an intersectional lens, “as a person struggling with affluenza, and as a member of the brunettx community, I have a unique perspective on this and I will not be silenced by some poor blonde woman who only owns two houses.” A lower income student expressed her confusion at the statement,

TU is known for its incredible diversity, especially in its Greek life.

“What? Why are you interviewing me? I am way too poor for them to want me in their sororities. Also, what makes you think I want to? There are much cheaper ways to get body-image issues. I can just talk to my grandma, and she’ll do it for free.”

Not all student demographics supported this diversity initiative. A representative from the Interfraternity Council expressed concern at the direction of the Panhellenic council, “I am just concerned that this will tarnish their proud history as all-blonde organizations meant to provide spouses for frat members.” Another, less sober council

member was quoted to say, “as a response we are going to need to be even whiter...

I mean blonder with our recruitment process.”

After much drunken deliberation, the Interfraternity Council decided they had no choice but to reallocate all philanthropic funds to the protest effort. They planned and orchestrated a picketing/hazing event this past Saturday, in which they dressed the freshmen recruits in blonde wigs and bikinis and gave them signs with phrases like, “this is what my sororities look like,” “being brunette is gay” or “racist, homo-

graphic by Kyle Garrison

phobic, transphobic, internalized-misogynistic and classist isn’t enough, sororities must also be blonde!” It remains to be seen, however, the relative success of the protest.

The desperate, whiny cries from the fraternities on campus may have not reached many ears as it was staged on frat row and most normal people rationally avoid that area entirely.

At press time, KA leadership suggests a new compromise involving pointed white hoods meant to hide hair altogether.