Joke Issue 2019

THE

THE

s or ly represent the view al tu ac t no es do su TSL’s annual joke is

values of TSL.

STUDENT

“A feast for the eyes but not for the hands”

It’s a small liberal arts school outside LA

FRIDAY, DATE, 2019

VOL XLVII NO. 47 *chirp chirp*

Former TSL editor-in-chief goes wild over lack of journalism Joyce breaks into office, terrorizes staff JOURNALITIS Members of The Student Life staff were left terrified and distraught Thursday night after the award-losing newspaper’s former editor-in-chief, Meghan Joyce, broke into the newsroom and went on a violent rampage.

FONTSCAPADE: TSL temporarily halts

COURTESY OF GOOGLE IMAGES

printing as they search for the perfect font for front page This story could not be written in time for production

Joyce, said to have been screaming disjointed phrases like “I want my newspaper back!” and “Stop italicizing the headlines!” while smashing computers and chairs, had to be restrained by the combined strength of four photographers, three opinions columnists and a graph-

ic designer.

No staffers were injured in the brazen assault, but TSL business manager Angela Tran said Joyce’s destructive outburst will cost the money-starved paper at least $4,700 in damages.

“This was a difficult night for TSL, even worse than when we were up until 5 a.m. working on an expose where we profiled each squirrel at the 5Cs,” said embattled editor-in-chief Kellen Browning, who has already survived

See RAMPAGE on Page 2

BREAKING NEWS

Pitzer burns down on 4/20 after students accidently snuff out joints in cups of vodka ANONYMOUS STUDENT SPEAKS OUT: “IT’S LIT.”

EXCLUSIVE Q&A: Meet Pepi #2020 Pepi, a spiritual leader and 5C icon, announced her bid for the 2020 Doggocratic nomination for president April 1.

TSL boba babe Jaimie Ding MH ’21 spoke with Pepi about her celebrity status at the Claremont Colleges, her unconventional candidacy and why she felt compelled to run for the presidency.

This interview is translated by the Dog Whisperer Biff, and has been edited for clarity and length.

Courtesy of Sophie Baker

Pepi, well-known for her impeccable style and 5C stardom, is running for president.

soroduces new re Pitzer Senate int r of be m nu on p lution to put a ca be introduced. ay resolutions that m t this resolution ns ai ag ns io lut Reso g. d at next meetin to be introduce

TSL: It’s great to talk to you today.

Pepi: Ruff. (Can’t say the same.)

TSL: So Pepi, tell me about your professional background.

Pepi: Grr….ruff ruffffarfarf. (Well...by day I’m a world champion lizard chaser, by night I actually ghost-write memoirs for other famous dogliticians.

I have received much attention for my excellent splooting technique, even asked to present at a teaching conference about the best methods for splooting. The flexibility comes in handy for the lizard chasing, of course.)

TSL: Your various outfits, especially your bumblebee fit, have been the subject of media attention recently. What’s your inspiration?

Pepi: *breathes heavily* *snorts* *scratch scratch scratch* (It’s hard to say because I try to stay true to myself always. There’s Marnie the Shih Tzu of course. I remember the first time I saw her in a Hawaiian shirt. Truly an icon. There’s also...oh yes, you can’t forget Manny the Frenchie. Seeing him representing us Frenchies, a hardworking yet targeted group, was wonderful.)

TSL: Now about your campaign. What are some of the central issues of your platform?

Pepi: Arururuffff. Ruff ruff. Grr. Rfffufuuf.(I’ve seen a serious decline in chicken quality over the years.

I believe remedying this is of the utmost urgency,

Infowars

Harvey Mudd student invents robot that sleeps for them. The patent is currently pending.

NO STORY Nobody reads these anyways...

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and I think my dogstituents would agree. Another issue that I’m advocating for is establishing a constitutional right to chicken. It is also a terrible thing in this country that some dogs are deprived of their right to chicken.)

TSL: What makes you unique?

Pepi: The country needs someone who can represent everyone. I’m white, black, I love all pups and all foods. I’m versatile and adorable, and I plan for the eradication of all humans to stop climate change.

TSL: Wait, you can talk?

Pepi: Of course. And to continue on from my last point, you all clearly cannot handle running the planet. Dog leadership has time and time again proven to be more effective.

TSL: Oookay. Do you think you realistically have a shot at the presidency?

Pepi: *snorts* (I’m terribly offended you would ask that question. Early polling data shows me beating many candidates in the field. I’ve earned the endorsement of the late Mayor Duke, who told me he wanted me to run before leaving this plane of existence, Mayor Maximus Mighty Dog Mueller II, former Mayor Lucy Lou, who broke the glass ceiling as the first female dog elected and a good friend of mine who was one point considering a run herself, and many other prominent officials.)

theONIONS

GoLdEn AnTlErS

PLEASE READ THIS PAPER.

Page Zzzzzz Noods...........................1 LICE IN SALAD.............3 Bad onionzzz.............3½ SPORTS..........................4

NOODS THE STUDENT LIFE

PAGE 2

Pitzer Senate uses Campus squirHaifa debate as coverrels vote to up to embezzle another unionize $40,000 OXFORD COMMA

As the 5Cs have been erupting in controversy over the future of Pitzer College’s study abroad program at the University of Haifa in Israel over the past few months, Pitzer Student Senate has managed to steal another $40,000, according to the treasurer’s ledger.

The ledger, which was found Tuesday delicately attached to a cactus by McConnell Dining Hall, was seasoned with bong water. TSL’s special reconnaissance team of section editors discovered it while desperately scrambling to elucidate story ideas for the next issue.

The ledger, though hard to read due to the water damage, had a bright orange page labelled “SECRET PLANS TO GET THAT CASH $$$$$$$” that revealed that Senate had been planning for months to slowly siphon money to sponsor first class flights, alcoholic beverages and an airbnb in Cabo, Mexico, for spring break in addition to body doubles for senators pretending to stay awake while listening to the same arguments about Haifa for several months.

The $40,000 dollars had been recorded in the official leger as money allegedly for snacks at Haifa-related meetings.

“We are currently drafting a resolution that says Pitzer Student Senate had nothing to do with what the TSL says it did,” Senate said on a public post on its Facebook page.

An anonymous Senate member told TSL that he had “known [Pitzer President Melvin Oliver] was going to cancel our vote all along. As his dog walker, you hear things you know?

Even so, we were hoping to get a few more meetings in the aftermath to wring extra money out for our next big splurge.”

GETTIN’ SQUIRRELY

In a historic move some are calling “amazing” and others are calling “a little — no, downright weird,” the squirrels of Claremont have voted to unionize.

“It was a no-brainer,” Kira West-Gray wrote to TSL in an email. “Ever since the Pitzer chickens unionized last year, we knew there was a real need.”

In their union charter, the squirrels outlined a few basic points: payment for their work in a variety of foods, not just nuts; an end to rent hikes on their nests; more flexible work hours for the crepuscular members of the union and a squirrel bridge across Sixth Street, similar to the Nutty Narrows Bridge in Longview, Washington.

Union talks have been ongoing since the beginning of the academic year, but the charter was only finalized April 1. “It’s a real weight off my shoulders,” Teddy East wrote to TSL, “knowing that we’ve got this power now.”

Although none of the squirrels would reveal where their union negotiations are taking place out of fear of retaliation, they have held regular demonstrations along Sixth Street and Platt Boulevard to protest the number of squirrel deaths due to traffic collisions.

According to West-Gray, the lack of protections for squirrels is “completely unacceptable.”

“I know, personally, three squirrels within the last year were killed along either [Sixth Street] or [Platt Boulevard],” she said. “We’re fed up. We’re not going to take anymore.”

Even for the leaders of the union, the next steps are still unclear.

“It’s still a long process,” wrote Giles Sciurus, “especially since we’re still not quite clear on [National Labor Relations Board] regulations around squirrels. Most humans consider us nuisances, nothing more, so there’s not a whole lot of guidance.”

The squirrels have submitted petitions to Campus Safety about traffic and the squirrel bridge proposal, to the confusion of the officers there.

“I’m really not sure what’s going on with that,” said Stan Skipworth, director of Campus Safety. “I don’t even know how a squirrel could operate a computer but the petition was impeccably typed so I guess they can.”

One of the squirrels, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, had further complaints about Campus Safety, writing, “they got a new dog after Redd Dogg died. I understand that you humans love your dogs, but it’s an absolute terror having them around.”

The anonymous squirrel, however, assured TSL that a ban on dogs was “not going to be a union demand.”

Their next goal, once their demands are met, is to unionize other animals on campus.

“We’re going for the rabbits next,” wrote WestGray, “and then possibly the owls, although they’re a bit hard to reach at the moment.”

Coveted white space

Pomona will remove all beds from residence halls

COURTESY OF FRANKY B

Pomona Dean Frank Bedoya is one of the administrators charged with supervising the removal of beds from Pomona dorms.

MAKE IT STOP Pomona will be removing beds from all residence halls tomorrow, the President’s Advisory Committee on Academics, Beds, Courses, Dorms, Education, Food and Games (PAC-ABCDEFG) announced in an email to students today.

The decision blindsided students, faculty and staff, and a petition to reverse it posted in Meme Queens of the 5Cs has already gained 470 signatures.

The decision came after students around campus were heard saying they “never have time to sleep” and “it doesn’t seem like there’s even a point to having a bed in here,” according to Pomona President G. Gabrielle Starr.

“After considering the student complaints, we realized that students’ beds were ill-used, and thus non-critical pieces of furniture,” Starr said.

Dean of Students Avis Hinkson said she supported the decision, which will also address complaints from some students that their dorms are too cramped and do not have enough open floor space.

“We think this is going to be a positive change and very well-received by the entire community,” Hinkson said.

“Students have long complained that their rooms are not large enough, so we think this will free up much-needed space.”

PAC-ABCDEFG consulted with resident advisors and sponsors prior to making the decision, according to the email. Bu they did not hear about the policy change until receiving the email today, and were shocked.

“We talked about giving students the option to have furniture removed, but this absolutely didn’t come up,” RA Sage Hen PO ’47 said. “I didn’t think they were serious, but they told me that ‘the decision has been made and no one can stop us.’”

The administration notified Residential Life staff, RAs and sponsors an hour before the email, Hen said.

Senior Associate Dean of Campus Life and Director of Housing and Operations and Viceroy of Residence Life and Rear Admiral Second Class Frank Bedoya said he is excited about the new ways students will be able to use the space in their dorms, but also acknowledged that the logistics of removing every bed from every residence hall will be difficult.

“They’ll have to send me a bunch of emails, but I’ll get to it eventually,” Bedoya said.

Students criticized administrators for their decision at a forum with PAC-ABCEFG Thursday evening.

“There have been many times at Pomona when falling face-first unconscious into my bed because I was too exhausted to do any more work has been my only source of comfort,” Ytrof Neves PO ’47 said. “My bed has been my most reliable friend here.”

The decision follows a string of controversial decisions by Pomona administrators this year, including moving Orientation Adventure to students’ second year, temporarily shuttering the Advocates program and shutting down Frary and Frank dining halls to address Oldenborg’s low popularity.

APRIL 1, 2019

RAMPAGE: Joyce______ Continued from Page 1

three impeachment votes this semester. “On the bright side, we were still able to meet our midnight deadline and I’m going to bed! Someone else can deal with this.”

Joyce, according to witness “Talia Bernstein,” a TSL photo editor, ran right through the enormous office windows around 9 p.m., shattering the flimsy glass and causing designer Jill Batiuk to faint in shock.

“She picked up an AP Stylebook and smacked [sports associate] Delaney [Hartmann] on the head, yelling something like ‘The CMS track story ruined my editor-in-chiefship,” Bernstein recalled, in be- tween taking soothing hits of her juul to calm her nerves.

goldfish across the room.

“The ants will feast on your bones,” Joyce was said to have been cackling gleefully.

Psychologist Monty Mosour, assigned to conduct an evaluation of Joyce after she was take into custody, concluded that Joyce was driven berserk by a lack of journalism.

“It’s clear that Meghan was suffering from the rare and dangerous condition NMJ, also known as No More Journalism,” Monsour said. “It’s frequently seen in patients w h o transit i o n t o o

quickly from an overload of editing and journalistic endeavors to no journalism at all — and it can lead to violent tendencies.”

Starting this semester, Monsour said, all future TSL editors-in-chief will undergo mandatory evaluations after handing over the reins to their successors.

He added that he was concerned Browning might already be contracting PNMJ — pre-No More Journalism.

Joyce, booked into the Millikan Jail Friday, is scheduled to be arraigned in Claremont Superior Court Monday. She declined an interview, and nearly bit a reporter’s finger off when he tried to introduce himself to her.

I n s h e provided a

stead,

brief

statem e n t , accomp a n i e d by a series of poorly scrawled drawings of the newspaper’s logo: “You can leave TSL, but TSL never leaves you!”

F r o m there, Bernstein continued, Joyce upended tables that held the 2003 Mac computers TSL uses, and threw a halffull container of stale

After 139 years, TSL has officially been #cancelled

Since the founding of TSL in 1889, the news outlet has covered Pomona College and slowly grew into a 7C paper. In 2019, the editorial board published an op-ed expressing public support for the non-partisan and unbiased news source, The Claremont Independent, which precipitated a swift and sure hatred of the paper.

Shortly after the editorial board was shared on Facebook, a concerned student commented, “TSL is officially cancelled yikes [sic].” Initially, the editorial board was perturbed by this comment, but did not take any immediate action. However, after the comment reached 47 reactions, TSL had no choice but to shut down.

“We really wish that we could have continued, but the people have spoken,” Editor-in-Chief Kellen Browning said. “We take Facebook comments very seriously and feel that it would be a violation of journalistic ethics to continue to operate.”

Managing Editors Meghan Bobrowsky and Hank Snowdon did not respond in time for publication.

— Sarah Jane Walker (S. J. W.)

Pitzer College will only offer bachelor’s degrees to inmates Shortly after announcing an expansion of its Inside Out program to offer full bachelor degrees to inmates in a local prison, Pitzer College has decided to limit its academic programs exclusively to inmates. This program is expected to launch in the 2019-2020 academic year.

“We know that this is a short notice for students, but felt strongly that it is the right thing to do to keep in line with our core values,” Vice President for Academic Affairs Nigel Boyle said. “We wish the best of luck to all the students who will be forced to leave without a degree.”

There was some backlash from students on campus, but also support from select members of the community. An anonymous member of the Prison Abolition Club said, “even though I will be deeply in debt after paying three years of tuition with no degree, I would still call this a win!”

— Golden Goose

Scripps replaces Sodexo with Tyson Foods -- Factory Food Services Expected to Reduce Costs

Scripps President Lara Tiedens announced Tuesday that the college will finally be dropping Sodexo as its dining services provider and instead will be signing a 21-year contract with Tyson Foods.

Despite an initial investment of $7 million to renovate Malott Dining Hall with state-of-the-art feeding pens, the plan is expected to slash the dining halls operational budget by 67%, saving the school a total of $110 million over the course of the contract. The administration has also revealed prospective plans to use this additional funding to construct new housing for students. Preliminary designs include a large circular building with rooms surrounding a central watchtower.

Tysons spokesperson Michael Forklift has announced that their revolutionary new feeding pens can optimizing dining hall wait times during noontime rush hours.

A Scripps student said the new dining plan was “disgusting” and inhumane “like, even for animals.”

The Office of the President has not responded for questions, but an unidentified source has revealed that Tiedens made the decision under duress.

— Chicken Nugget

CORRECTIONS We’ve fabricated all our stories since our founding in 1889.

TSL regrets this error.

LICE IN SALAD PAGE 3

RISING IN 13º 29’ ARIES, MOON IN AQUARIUS, ASCENDANT IN AQUARIUS, MIDHEAVEN IN SAGITTARIUS

Speaker speaks HUMOR at Athenaeum Conquering the 8C Challenge Staff Writer

A speaker, best known for their best-selling memoir, “A Book About Why I’m Great,” spoke at the 5Cs April 1.

“People should believe in themselves and be inspired and never give up,” the speaker said during their speech. “I had a hard life, but look at me now. Anyone can be like me.”

Between 0 and 7,000 students, faculty and Claremont residents packed into a theater to hear the speaker deliver an apparently newsworthy talk. A much less famous person who you’ve never heard of and definitely don’t care about interviewed the speaker and offered their own commentary.

Like the speakers whose talks TSL covered last week, the week before last week, and the week before that, the speaker told stories about themself and their life.

“I grew up with a family. I had experiences. I faced difficulties,” this week’s speaker said.

The speaker hoped that students would take away a deeply profound message from the talk.

“I hope they will be inspired and know that they can do things,” they said. “I want them to see the potential in themselves.”

Students in the audience said they were very impressed by the speaker and appreciated the chance to see them.

“They are my favorite person. It was so cool to see them here,” Student XX ’## said. “We read their book in class. It was so interesting to hear about their life and experiences.”

Another Student YY ’## agreed.

“It was so cool to see my favorite person speak,” they said. “I’ve studied their work in class. Their perspective was so interesting to hear, and their life and experiences were especially profound.”

Pubeslius

Claremont McKenna College, Scripps College, Harvey Mudd College, Pomona College, Pitzer College. To some, these names represent the Claremont Colleges.

To me, sexual conquest.

Any student who has had the honor of being thrown into the rough and tumble, dog-eat-dog, bull in a china shop, fish in a barrel, pigs in a blanket world of the Claremont Colleges has been inducted into a tradition as old as hurling oil drums into the creek during monsoon season. And while it remains unwritten, it looms over the land south of Foothill Boulevard.

I’m talking, of course, about the 5C Challenge. A task that combines the physical abuse of “American Ninja Warrior” with the dryness of mouth and STI risk found in the saltines challenge.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to engage in some sexual activity with an active member or alum of each of the five colleges.

Completing the 5C Challenge is supposed to be the apex of someone’s college career, but for me, it just wasn’t enough. One wild satanic ritual fivesome (and a particularly frisky Pitzer alum at a fundraiser for the Cacti and Hammock Foundation) got me to my goal by the spring semester of my sophomore year. Since then, I’ve felt empty. The Pitzer student was only interested in using my body to achieve Nirvana, and the satanic ritual left me craving the blood of the goat.

So now dear readers, I have set

my sights on a greater test, a gauntlet that even Johnny “has lots of sex, and fucks, and wears a backwards hat” Fitzgerald PO ’94, would be scared to take on. It has been dubbed the 8C Challenge! This challenge spans not just the consortium, but the greater Claremont Village area, stopping just short of the dentistry school, in light of their recent lifetime ban.

After the conception of this challenge, I have spent every waking moment at either Blaze Pizza or Trader Joe’s.

These locations serve as watering holes for the unsuspecting graduate student-antelope.

To this antelope, I play the role of some sort of waterborne illness — one which causes minor stomach distress, but cleanses you in the process.

Thanks to my tenacity, I was able to land two fly honeys from both Keck Graduate Institute and Claremont Graduate University.

How is it possible to court a partner at such non-sexual locations? The key is the items you choose. Trader Joe’s is easy if you read my early work on aphrodisiacs. The ideal grocery basket for maximum sex appeal is as follows: cashews (smooth, vaguely phallic), olive oil (multi-purpose and slippery), a large bag of seeded nectarines (the bag represents your inner feelings and the nectarines your primitive caveman desires, also seeds because semen)

Bad Onionzz

and finally one oyster that you will shuck and consume once eye-contact has been established.

Blaze is a different story. When faced with a pizza order all you have to do is get white sauce. Getting white sauce will have you releasing pheromones like most sex-deprived, prime-of-their-youth, alpha male, wide-pores-having gorillas in the entirety of Equatorial Guinea. After flawlessly executing these steps, I was only one school away from completing the 8C Challenge.

Now we turn the page to the final chapter of my journey to immortality. All the steps leading up to this were just boot camp. Now I stared at the Claremont School of Theology as I assumed Tenzing Norgay and Sir Edmund Hillary stared at Everest, with a very serious half-chub, waistbanded in some slim-fit jeans.

I had a number of schemes to get me laid, paid and made in thirty-five minutes or less. Alas, all of them either ended in sad handjobs and/or religious lectures.

I got particularly close with a nun who had coincidentally seen me at Trader Joe’s a few days prior. We were having fun, but it killed the mood when she revealed that she sleeps on a concrete block sprinkled with coarse sand. It was some sort of act of devotion to her faith, but I wasn’t really listening because I thought I heard a loon outside. Nature is beautiful.

To this day I am fuckless on the Claremont School of Theology’s campus, but I have not lost hope. Amazon Prime is delivering a priest costume and some rosary beads in the coming days.

With a change of mindset and the correct tools, I feel as though I can accomplish my goal, thus etching myself into the annals of Claremont History as an example to all those who feel there is nothing out there for them after their first epic sex adventure.

THE STUDENT LIFE

APRIL 1, 2019

PAGE 3

OPINION: CMC’s pull-out game is a little *too* strong

I just wanted to say I’m definitely not bitter that Claremont McKenna College pulled out of the consortium. Or out of Keck to start. Or that he FREAKING didn’t TEXT me BACK. Okay, so maybe I am a little bitter, but it’s totally justified. Now, I can’t take CMC economics classes to find the next bro hungering to hook up with a Scrappsie like myself. I mean my PERMs kept getting rejected anyway, so I wasn’t in the classes per se. But that didn’t stop me from showing up.

I’m definitely NOT upset about CMC’s pull-out game, but *his* pull out game left MUCH to be desired. Fuck you, Paul.

I mean it was about TIME Claremont Men’s College left. Although now I guess there’s no more easy fun Thursday, Saturday, Tuesday, Monday, Sunday, Wednesday and Friday nights.

Also, they have their own private police?? Like they have anything to protect other than their inflated EGOS!!

But for realsies, I am hella disappointed we can’t spend time at CMC anymore. They are building a WALL, and they’re making everyone else in the consortium pay for it! Disgusting.

xoxo, gossip squirrel

I’m a student journalist - stop making fun of me!

By India Whatley, Golden Antlers “Journalist”

Too many times across the hallowed halls of the Claremont Colleges I’ve heard the phrase, “Student journalists are stupid.” My response to this kind of pejorative statement is always the same: “I’m a student journalist, and I’M NOT STUPID!” Not only do I write for the most important publica-

tion in the world, but I am also a student. So I have to deal with really hard schoolwork AND writing halfbaked opinion articles and film reviews. I ALSO have to budget time to be an insufferable piece of shit around anyone who questions my supreme knowledge of the craft of journalism.

Another reason

I’m not the idiot here is because I can write! Yeah, that’s right, I write real well. I know how to punctuate; I use commas, semicolons and periods. I also have a very varied vocabulary, because I know how to use the thesaurus section of the Apple dictionary application. Do my fellow students who enjoy lambasting my

dedication to the fourth estate also have an elevated level of reading and verbal comprehension? I highly doubt it; no one is smarter than me.

still retain some shred of journalistic integrity. By the time we reach adulthood, most of us will have given up on caring about real news. So YOU need to support Furthermore, me now! Stop stop we Americans live referring to me as in an age of una dunderhead who paralleled societal still believes in the division and cendying medium of sorship of the press. journalism.

Student journalists are some of the few Because, at the journalists who end of the day,

I’m an intellectual who actually cares about the minutiae of campus events.

And you aren’t. So stop making fun of me!

India Whatley is a staff writer at The Golden Antlers. She believes she is the best writer on these campuses and also the best journalist.

On Wednesday nights, you can

find her vigorously practicing interpretative dance in the middle of the Creative Commons at Honnold Mudd Library.

TSL IS HIRING

looking for professional graphic designer

ballin’ PAGE

THE STUDENT LIFE

Sixth Street ice hockey battle ends in chaos ZYDRUNAS ILGAUSKAS

In the first — and what will be the final — Sixth Street ice hockey matchup, Claremont-Mudd-Scripps and Pomona-Pitzer ended in a 7-7 draw, with the game called due to extenuating circumstances.

The circumstances? A swarm of fans on the ice, mascots dueling with swords and hockey sticks, and college presidents locked in a massive brawl.

“In all my years at the College, it is the craziest thing I have ever seen,” CMC ambassador John Faranda said.

“And I’ve seen like, a lot of shit.”

The idea for an ice hockey match was conceived years ago, but had been previously suppressed by athletic directors. However, now that P-P AD Lesley Irvine is on her way out, she said “eh, why not?” and con- ceived the unconceivable: A full-on, no holds bars, hockey match between t h e coaches, athletic directors, team captains and school presidents from CMS and P-P. It was quite the sight in Roberts Pavilion Saturday, with the entire basketball court flooded and frozen.

Mudd President Maria Klawe faced off in the opening draw against P-P men’s basketball head coach Charles Katsiaficas, and the game was underway.

Henry Kravis and George Roberts, who sponsored the match, paid for the court to become a rink, and then to be completely redone after the game.

“What’s another $20 million????” they said.

The first period showed little action, as neither team understood how to skate. The head coaches for both teams

— Gregg Popovich and Gabby Giffords — screamed angrily from their benches, just trying to teach their players how to stand up.

In the second, with players finally on their feet, play began to pick up. A CMS volleyball player scored, but was quickly followed up by a P-P swimmer, who used a crazy, behind-the-back finisher to beat CMS’ goalie, AD Mike Sutton.

“Agh,” Sutton said.

Heading into the third, it was all locked at one. That’s when things got crazy.

Opening the third, CMS and P-P suddenly erupted in scoring. With both teams suddenly dangling, it was 6-6 at the end of the third. Instead of a traditional overtime period, the programs decided to hold a one-on-one shootout with the CMS Athena mascot facing off against Cecil.

Each mascot had its advantages. The Athena, a CMC student being paid minimum wage by CMS to dress up, was athletic and could actually see in her costume. However, Cecil possessed a key skill — he played ALSCHY junior hockey against Penguins growing up. He never fit in (Sagehens ≠ Penguins), however he developed a sick backhand.

“Yeah,,,,,, I’m pretty sick,” Cecil said.

Calling back t o his earlie r skills, Cecil defeated the Athena 3-2 in the shootout.

However, the game didn’t end there.

CMS immediately stormed the ice, realizing that a brawl would be the only way to win. CMC President Hiram Chodosh — who suddenly had grabbed a

sword — led the charge.

P-P immediately responded, as G. G. G. Gabrielle Starr jumped onto the ice from the fifth row, prepared for battle.

The brawl quickly grew out of control.

Starr and PZ President Melvin Oliver, accompanied

by Melvin’s doge, charged Chodosh, Klawe and Scripps Pres Larissa Tiedens (who flew in from her other house just for the game). Melvin’s doggo struck first blood, as he took Tiedens down to the ice. The president and the dog engaged in a scrap envied by only hockey’s greats — a la Kevin Dineen vs Rob Ray. Chodosh had thrown his sword to the Athena mascot, and Cecil had grabbed one from Samuel Breslow PO ’never, who was hanging in the rafters, just observing.

The two mascots engaged in an epic duel. Landing blows back and forth, it appeared as if either side was on the verge of falling. However, before a winner could be determined, the crowds stormed the ice, overtaking the mascots like a tsunami.

All five colleges faced off on the ice, with students fighting in a complete freefor-all. People continued to slip and fall all over the ice, and there was a complete mound of students who were too drunk to get up (they’d been playing beer league all day).

With the chaos at its peak, all TSL reporters left. When asked why they left the biggest sports story in TSL’s history, they answered: “I don’t get paid for this shit.”

DATE

5Cs to start dog jump rope league SPICY STEPPER

In an effort to combine two highlights of campus — dogs and frivolous pastimes — Claremont students have started a league to train their dogs to jump rope and ultimately face off against each other.

“Well, the Playground Games PE class at Pomona always fills up on the first day of registration and everyone loves dogs, so it was a natural fit,” said Lilly-Ann Stanton PZ ’20, one of the founding members of the league. “We see it as a movement to bring more people together around everyone’s furry friends.”

The idea originally formed when Stanton was forwarded a video of a dog jumping rope by Cody Gunn PZ CM ’19. The two then met over dinner to discuss the idea.

“There are so many dogs on campus!!” Gunn wrote in an email to TSL. “It can feel really lonely walking your dog sometime because you think, does my dog really get anything out of this?

But everyone loves jump rope, so why not?”

The league began to meet as a group of friends every Saturday on Marston Quad at Pomona. Training began slowly, as not all the dogs were willing to jump rope. However, the humans involved soon figured out that the more reluctant canines could be trained to spin the rope.

“It’s an amazing feeling to see your dog twirling the rope while another dog

jumps,” said Arman Casey PO ’21. “I felt like a proud parent seeing their kid jump rope for the first time.” During the interview, Casey’s dog, a puffy white Pomeranian mix named Marshmallow Peep, lay at their feet, chewing apart a piece of old jump rope.

Once training got underway, the dogs were divided into classes by weight and height. “Marshmallow Peep did so well in her first competition,” Casey said. Peep, who did not respond to a request for comment in any intelligible form by press time, bested Antoine, a brown Labrador mix whose jump rope record could be best described as “terrible.”

“Antoine tries, but he’s got two — wait, no, four, I guess — left feet,” Bobbie Serrano SC ’22, Antoine’s human said.

The league still meets every Saturday for and has regular competitions, although they are looking for other schools to compete against. According to Gunn, there are only so many dogs in Claremont who will participate.

“We’ve advertised everywhere and asked basically everyone we know,” they wrote, “but some dogs really turn their noses up at it.”

Stanton and Gunn have bigger plans than just the dog jump rope league, though.

“Our next goal,” said Stanton, “is to start a league for the squirrels on campus.”

Harvey Mudd administrator indicted on charges of admitting fake inner tube water polo recruits

JACK DAWSON A Harvey Mudd administrator was arrested Wednesday as part of the nationwide “Varsity Blues” FBI investigation for their alleged role in a racketeering conspiracy that helped students get into elite colleges and universi-

ties by falsely designating them as recruited athletes.

The administrator enlisted the school’s North Dorm in selling highly coveted recruit spots to take advantage of the relaxed admissions standards for inner tube wa-

ter polo athletes even though the students were not legitimately being recruited as athletes. Students with SAT scores reportedly as low as 1550, with just three years of specialized STEM-related high school activities, were

admitted.

The administrator reportedly helped high school students photoshop their faces onto the bodies of elite inner tube water polo players and fabricate profiles on the website IM Leagues, a site

previously believed to be airtight in the face of hacking attempts.

North Dorm’s highest ranked team, Big Norf, has won the Claremont intramural innertube water polo title for 36 straight years.

“I feel that my own enrollment has been devalued as a result of this egregious practice,” said freshman Matthew Waddell. “Because of this, I may only earn in the high five figures immediately after graduation.”