The Trinity News Ball Guide

Ball Guide The

Trinity News March 2011

Roll up!

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Music

Get your pre-game face on Fireside chat Cock-a-doodle tail Do you remember an inn Miranda?

How to bowtie Go with the flow Lux at the tux This Charmless Man A bout de Souffle Fix up look sharp It’s the business Likelihood of love Genopoly Playlist of the ball

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Street spirit Ask not for whom the Bell x1 Lessons with Prof. Green

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Welcome to the Mobile Disco Fighting your father Glasser attack Do it like a dude Tie them up with jackets Also featured Balling How to...

Das Capo

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Interested in getting involved in Publications?

Available positions Alumni Officer Amenities Officer Publicity Officer Secretary Treasurer

The AGM takes place the 29th March in the Eliz Rooms.

This is a great opportunity to get involved in publishing on campus.

Alternatively, if you have an idea for a new publication, why not apply for funding and the use of our facilities?

Our office is equipped with brand new Macs, along with all the facilities necessary for print production.

Application forms available from Michelle Doyle, Secretary (doylem16@tcd.ie ) or Chairperson, Grace Walsh (gwalsh2@tcd.ie)Applications must be received by midnight 21st March.

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Trinity News Ball Guide 2011 Edited by: Aoife Crowley & Karl McDonald Business Manager: Damien Carr Contributors: Mark Walsh, Stuart Winchester, Ana Kinsella, Evan Musgrave, Peter Fingleton, Sadhbh O’Brien, Alex Towers, Caitriona

Murphy, Conor Whelan, Owen Bennett, Aisling Deng, Jennifer Duignam, Lucia O’Connor-McCarthy, Caitriona Grimes, Jane Akkerman, Liza Cox, Rosa Abbott, Clare Harrington, Rob Keane, Robbie Blake, Fergus Carson-Williams, Toby Evans, Jennie Fennell, Michelle Judge, Anna McGowan, Gill Moore,

Josh Roberts, Kathi Burke, Keith Grehan, Gheorghe Rusu, Cathal Wogan, Oisin Murphy, Grace Margetson.

Photo above by Peter Fingleton. Cover photo shot in Cafe en Seine.

Partially funded by a grant from DU Publications.

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ON CA MPUS

ON CA

Before the Ball drops

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nd you continue to jump up and down manically to a dubstep remix of BibbidiBobbidi-Boo as it’s playing and someone has turned it up so loud that the speakers are beginning to crackle. You see the girl whose name you’ve gotten wrong at least four times tonight despite the flicker of infatuation, and she’s alternating between consoling the girl crying outside the toilet and trying to sew weepy girl’s dress back up so her tits stop falling out. Then your friend runs into the room screaming the lyrics to 99 Problems even though it isn’t the song that’s playing, with one hand clasping a half-eaten brownie and the other an empty cocktail glass, and it is only eleven and the

AMPU S

Ball hasn’ t even started yet and you have to find a taxi soon and you shall go to the ball.

Pre-balling is a fine art. The idea is to get suitably galvanised for the night of debauchery, without joining the ranks of those whose inebriation means they have to make the sad trudge home in their finery. Don’ t drink too much. Don’ t take too much. Instead pace yourself with an aim of peaking at around 1 to 2 in the morning.

Last year’s highlight was Dizzee Rascal’s blistering performance. It occured somewhere around 2am, according to most eyewitnesses. This is when the Ball will probably peak. You should want to be there, up the front, fully cognitive. Not vomiting chips under the campanile as the Provost scuttles past you on his meetn-greet.

I’m not going to tell you that the preball part is always better than the actual Ball part. But I have been to the Ball four times in a row. And I’ve been to some great pre-ball parties. It’s always warmer, comfier and brighter in someone’s house than it is in the cold darkness of Front Square when you’ve lost your friends and can’t face the queue for the bar once more. There’s a raw terror that envelopes you when you’ve lost both your friends and your phone at 3am at the Ball. This’ll never happen at a pre-Ball party. It can’t, or at least it certainly shouldn’t. All you need for a successful pre-party is booze, some snacks, music and some mates. And a surefire way to get to the Ball on time.

As fun as a pre-party is, it’s not worth missing the midnight cut-off mark for the event you just paid 80 quid for. So make

“Supplying music and drink is heroic, but slippers are white-knight territory.” sure you’re out the door and still able to stand by 11.30 and you’ll be in for one of the better nights of your college career.

If you decide to throw a pre-ball party then you’ re a hero and deserve a glorious eulogy. Remember that slippers are essential. Girls will show up in high heels but will instantly want to take them off. If you have slippers to offer your hero status will be amplified. Supplying music and drink is heroic, but slippers are whiteknight territory. Another way to attract worship is to be the only guy who can slickly tie a bowtie or the only girl who brings a small sewing kit and emergency makeup. Both these people will be need-

ed and appreciated.

Most of all, it’s imperative that whatever your pre-ball arrangements you need to make sure that you get inside Trinity before midnight, like a reverse Cinderella.

You should also have some idea about how long it will take you to make it in and consider that taxis may be hard to find.

Also important is the checklist. Ticket.

Money. ID. Phone. Condoms. The last one is particularly important. Except for those who are looking forward to seeing the tribute bands. They can probably just use their personalities as contraception.

ON CA MPU7 S

Words by Robert Costello.

Shine on, you crazy kids The Fireside Chat, with a Fourth-time Ball-Goer

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hew, I just need to rest for a spell. Let me pull this chair to the fire, yeah, it’s nice and warm here. Come nearer my pets, my little lovelies. You will never hear my sage wisdom if you’re that far away. Oh, you’re creeped out by this first paragraph? Tough.

I’ve brought you in here (here being wherever you are reading this article), to talk to you about some important issues.

This is really meant for all those brighteyed and bushy-tailed Junior Fresh, but anyone is welcome. Just shut the fuck up and don’t interrupt me.

You’re excited aren’t you? Trinity Ball is coming. You’ve heard about it for years.

You have seen the photos and laughed at the stories. You’ve gasped at the legendary deeds of past partygoers and regretted ever using the bathroom in the Arts Block, but that’s a separate issue.

Well then, I want to offer you some advice and maybe, just maybe, make your Trinity Ball a little more fun, or at least, a little less vomitty. This year will

be my fourth Trinity Ball and if you don’t believe me, well, I have the emotional scars to prove it. I have thieved food from the Abrakebabra truck and peed in hilariously inappropriate places. I have attended a Trinity Ball that I have zero memory of and watched a girl mildly concuss herself and then continue “dancing.” I hope you’re ready.

Let’s take it from the top, the start of the night. You’re going to want to pre-game and hey, I don’t blame you. You will plan and maybe attend a few different predrinking events. If you live in Halls you will be surrounded by an army of similarly imbibing boys and girls and this will be exciting. First piece of advice then, it’s going to be a marathon, so keep your wits about you at any pre-game. Don’t be that kid that never even made it to the Ball and definitely don’t be that kid who blacked out for the entire thing (like me). It sucks.

Alright, you made it out of the pre-game

maze and now you’re off to the Ball. My second piece of advice is get there before the queue for the bar picks up. Your buzz is going to die down in transit, even if you’re drinking during, and your going to want to be on you’re a-game for the start of the Ball. Get to those bar tents early and order a shameful amount of drink and then offer one to me. I’ll be the guy behind you in line.

My third piece of advice is really the most crucial: be friendly and have a sense of humor. Almost everyone is going to be drunk off his or her ass at the Ball and everyone is going to immediately lose track of their friends, so you’re going to have to be ready to make friends. Don’t start fights.

Don’t shove or push. Help each other. If you spill someone’s beer, offer them another. I have been involved in some sort of pushing or shouting every Trinity Ball and every morning after I think to myself, we all go to school together, why can’t we just get drunk and dance together?

Alright, I need to nap now. Get out of here you crazy kid!

“Trinity Ball is coming. You’ve heard about it for years. You’ve gasped at the legendary deeds of past partygoers and regretted ever using the bathroom in the Arts Block, but that’s a separate issue.”

Words by Stuart Winchester, photo

by Peter Fingleton 9

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A spoon full of sugar The Rules of pre-ball cocktails 1. Always chill your glasses.

2. Always use a measure. If you want more alcohol, drink more cocktails.

Messing with the ratios will ruin the taste.

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Espresso Martini Dick Bradsel first created the espresso martini, or “The Stimulant” in the 1990s for the cocktail menu of Damien Hirst’s fashionable Notting Hill restaurant called The Pharmacy. When executed correctly a dense coffee foam should settle on the surface.

Tips ¾ shot vanilla vodka ¾ shot kahlua 1 espresso Crushed ice 1. Pour the spirits first into a shaker. Then quickly pour in the espresso and shake, if it takes too long the heat will melt the ice and water down the mix.

2. Slowly drain out, leaving behind the ice.

3. Garnish with a couple of coffee beans.

½ shot lime juice 60ml (or thereabouts) of coke Crushed ice 1. Pour the coke into a glass.

2. Shake together the spirits, lime and ice.

3. Strain slowly into a glass, very slowly so the colours don’t blend. for perfect cocktails 4. Same goes for a straw. If you lash it in you’ll ruin all your hard 1. For mojitos, use the freshest mint you work. can find. Dried mint is not an option.

2. Buy premium spirits if you can afford them. This can make a huge difference in the taste, particularly in spirit-heavy cocktails, such as Long Island Iced Tea.

Pear Caipiroska

Well Erwin tells me that the Caipiroska is a spinoff of the Caipirinha except it replaces vodka for 3. A good indicator of when to stop shaking your the traditional cachaça. cocktail maker is when condensation begins to The pear part is a Saba build up on the outside. This indicates that the original. It’s been around drink inside is chilled enough. the Brazilian block for about three hundred 4. If you want to make layered cocktails, start years, but only got popular with the heaviest spirit. Add the next spirit by on the London scene in the pouring it over the back of a teaspoon touching Wasabi Mojito late 90’s.

It was originally the edge of the glass. a peasant drink, because of The liquid will pour down the side of the glass The Pink manager Erwin’s the abundance of cheap limes and sit on top of the denser spirit. If you aren’t latest experiment introduces and sugar in Brazil. sure which spirit is the heaviest, a good rule of an Asian twist to the Cuban clasthumb is to look at the alcohol content. The sic. The mojito was originally called 1½ shot Absolut pear (or make your lower the alcohol content, the denser El Draque, after the infamous pirate own by chopping pear small enough to the spirit. hero Sir Francis Drake. Drake used fit into a vodka bottle, replacing a quarCuba as his plundering base, and apparentter of the vodka with pears, and leaving for ly if you’re ever out that way you’ll find plenty a few days.) of drinks still called El Draque or the Draquecito, 5 wedges of lime little dragon. Interesting, but no name rolls off the ½ (or less) shot lime juice tongue like mojito. ¼ pear 1 flat tsp. of sugar 1½ shot rum (Bacardi Gold is the professional choice) ½ shot sugar syrup (homemade or bought) 1. Muddle the lime, sugar and pear in a tumbler.

Comfortable handful of mint leaves 2. Fill with ice.

5 lime wedges 3. Pour over the vodka and lime juice.

1 flat tsp. demerara sugar 4. Put the shaker over the glass and shake.

1 pinch wasabi Crushed ice El Diablo 1. Muddle together the limes, sugar, and wasabi in a tumbler.

Behind the name is a pretty tame story. El Dia2. Shake together the rum, syrup and ice. blo was first published in the 1946 recipe book of 3. Take a comfortable handful of mint, slap, do not Trader Vic’s – a popular San Francisco chain also muddle, the leaves to awaken the flavour. Muddling responsible for the Mai Tai. is popular, but not the right way to do it.

1½ shot tequila 4. Add everything in the tumbler and top with ½ shot lime crushed ice.

4 strawberries 5. Using a long spoon (or a barman’s spoon if you 4 rasperries have it) stir.

4 blackberries 6. Garnish with lime and mint.

Gingerale Crushed ice Long Island Iced Tea Long Island New York or Long Island Tennessee?

Apparently no one knows. Pretty much your guarantee for a good Ball though. ½ shot vodka ½ shot rum ½ shot gin ½ shot tequila

1. Muddle together the fruit in a tumbler.

2. Shake together the tequila, lime and ice. Do not shake the gingerale, or it’ll all be fizz.

3. Strain into the glass and then top with the gingerale and ice.

By Sadhbh O’Brien

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Do you remember?

From its origins as a classic ball to its recent incarnation as one of Europe’s biggest private parties, the ball has made memories that will last them a lifetime.

Provost John Hegarty on the Trinity Ball of his tenure “The Trinity Ball is by far the best party in Europe. The view of Front Square lit up with different colours, the sight of thousands of students dressed to kill and in constant motion, and the sound of many bands are unforgettable.

I have attended most Balls since becoming Provost and I would not miss my last one as Provost for the world.

Trinity is very distinctive as a university and the Trinity Ball certainly copper-fastens this distinctiveness.

Trinity students know how to enjoy themselves and I come across alumni everywhere for whom the Trinity Ball was a rite of passage.”

“I resented this, and littered the dashboard with contraband condoms.”

David Norris - Former TCD Senator and former student for the 1960’s Balls “The Ball was the epitome of glamour. I remember two county “gels” whose boyfriends (officers in one of the Guards Regiments) flew in from Germany in a private plane. Being gay and in love with a basically heterosexual man, I didn’t have a girlfriend, but I had plenty of female friends and on two occasions I escorted young women.

Both were beauties, one was a darkhaired Irish stunner who had just got engaged but told me she would love to go because she knew I was “safe”.

I rather resented this and littered the dashboard of the car with contraband condoms in order to make her nervous. The other was an American heiress, one of the jet set, who wore an original creation by Balenciaga.

And there was a third, a lively and entertaining piece from one of the

great landowning families who told me with unconscious irony what a pleasure it was to be with a real man because all the partners her parents suggested turned out to be fairies.

In terms of sheer volume it was rather quieter than modern day revels. I danced in the dining hall to the strains of Strauss waltzes and did the Charleston in the Exam Hall to the music of Chris Barber’s jazz band.

The food was eclectic and there was a bit of a scramble to get it – I remember suckling pigs being roasted on a spit in the now vanished Fellows’ Garden.

Looking back now it was very much a period piece. Each reveller was provided with a dance card containing a little programme which told you where the various entertainments was located and also practical advice such as the information that ladies’ ball gowns could be repaired by a team of seamstresses who were in attendance in the Elizabethan Society Rooms in number 6.”

“In those days the ball was indoors, music in the arts block lecture theatres.”

Patrick Prendergast - Former Vice Provost and Provostial candidate on the 1984 Ball “My first Trinity Ball was in 1984. Back then one ticket admitted two people. I remember my girlfriend was in a hostel run by nuns in a big Georgian terraced house on Henrietta Street. Several of us boys were let wait in the visitors’ room with the girls making a majestic entrance down the wide staircase. It was a different age. I spent more money than I could afford on

The Outsider - Craig Reynolds DIT Student on the 2010 Ball “I decided at the last minute to go. I left my house an hour beforehand, dressed up in my tux, and met up with a mate outside where we bought two tickets from a tout. I strolled in and hit the bar straight away. I spent most of the night at the smallest stage, convinced it was the main stage, arguing with anyone who attempted to correct my mistake and shouting ‘YEAH GO DIZZEE!’ at every band unfortunate to be performing. Black out.

At some point I attempted and failed to

dinner in Les Freres Jacques; that much hasn’t changed. In those days the Trinity Ball was indoors, music in the Arts Block lecture theatres, films and Tom ‘n Jerry cartoons running in the GMB and a Strauss Ball with an orchestra playing in the Examination Hall.

So the Trinity Ball was a proper ball with real waltzing, but unfortunately it finished early, too early for the students who only came in after midnight. The star act was Nick Lowe playing in the Walton.

In truth I don’t really remember seeing that either.”

climb a tree after being told there was vodka up there. Black out. I then scored a girl I can’t remember anything about except for the fact she kept calling me Greg and was convinced I was in her science class. Black out.

I woke up beside the Liffey, wearing my full attire except my bow tie. Black out again. Then I awoke in McDonald’s, jacket-less and being ushered out by security. Black out again.

Finally I awoke wearing my jacket(?) on the bus home with my pockets full of McDonald’s sugar sachets. Best night ever!”

The Coronas - A band that performed at the 2010 Ball “When we started out, we were definitely considered a UCD band. Dave and myself had studied there and most of our early college gigs were connected to UCD in some way, so we were slightly apprehensive about our slot at the Trinity Ball. Not that we ever considered not doing it- it always was a gig that we aspired to do.

We were put on last and were worried that no one would be hanging around to see us. But the reaction we got was amazing. We were welcomed into this lovely atmosphere and, as cheesy as it sounds, we really felt part of something special.

The whole gig ran late and after thirty minutes of our set the stage manager told us that we had to get off. We hadn’t played Grace, Dont Wait! which was our single at the time so we decided to play on. They turned on the house lights and the crowd went even crazier.

We walked off stage to the sight of our manager, Jim, being screamed at by the stage manager. Jim didnt mind though, he knew we had to play on. A great gig...”

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All photos are of the Ball 2010 and by Peter Fingleton. Words by Caitriona Murphy.

“I got dressed and headed to the Ball Dinner, where I got to skip the Junior Dean in the queue for rare beef.”

Mick Birmingham - Ents officer and Ball organiser for Ball 2010 “5am: I woke to check the coaches with all the artists had left London and looked outside to sweet relief -every year the one thing that you can’t control but obviously makes a huge contribution is the weather and I just hit the jack pot. Blue Skies baby! People’s pre drink BBQs would go ahead and those girls silly enough to wear heels would get some respite sitting on the grass.

Next stop ticket collections, the CSC... job done, but it was good to check in, answer any questions and give out the running orders. For the rest of the day I ran around getting people production passes, showing them where everything was, creating a backstage area from scratch with all the trimmings the artists expect,

and staying out of the way of the production crew who knew what they were doing and were racing against time.

With all that done and sound checks starting I got dressed and headed to the Ball Dinner where I got to skip the Junior Dean in the queue for rare beef and my shocked mother was told that the mess she raised is being applauded for his work.

Dinner over, the real party begins and I nipped up to the Green Room to thank all the artists for making the journey, thank Niall and Brian (MCD) for everything they did (which was a lot) and then went to the bar to have a well deserved cold frothy beer.”

Dylan Haskins - TCD Student and election candidate on the Ball 2010 “Having had the archetypal Ball experience in 2009 of seeing no acts that I was actually interested in and instead somehow finding myself watching The Script, I decided to make more of a concerted effort last year. I had a piece of paper with stage times scrawled on it.

One of the acts on that list was Tinie Tempah. He was playing at the so-called ‘Other Stage’. I approached several luminous people and asked them where ‘the other stage’ was. Each one replied ‘which other one’?

The stewards barely knew where they were, let alone what I was on about, so I decided to ask the first inebriated person (that’s a given) I saw. Her directions checked out, and as I finally got to this Other Stage I hear “Passssss outtttt!

Thanks Dublin.” (That was the first of 4 times I tried and failed to see Tinie Tempah in 2010).

Lessons of the story 1: Drunk people give good guidance at the Ball, 2: Tinie Tempah brings the wimmin’ and the cars and the cards out, 3: Don’t fight what the ball has in store for you, it will always win. P.S. Genockey, change the name of that tent.”

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Being utterly unique.

Go vintage, and start hunting now to get the best dress.

Dressing like a princess

Check out our list of boutiques on the opposite page.

Let’s go shopping!

What is most important to you?

Spending no money.

No!

Looking like Alexa Chung.

Wear something you’ve worn before.

It’s not exciting, but it’s thrifty.

This is what Topshop and ASOS are for.

No! Yes! Borrow something of hers! And buy her a pint to say thanks.

Do you have a rich, stylish friend?

Look online, use search words like ‘print’, ‘maxi’ and ‘pleat’.

Yes!

Devil in a new dress

There’s no shame in wearing a dress you’ve worn before, or one belonging to a similarly-shaped friend. In fact, it can seem silly to go out and spend money on a new dress if you have a lovely one hanging unworn in the closet. Most people at the Ball will have no clue nor care what you wore to your Debs or Grad night, and almost anything can look brand-new with a crafty switch of accessories. If you’re borrowing a dress, repay the friend by lending something of your own, or if your closet isn’t exactly to their taste, consider buying them a pint. Remember to take good care of anything you borrow from a friend, which is difficult at the notoriously messy Ball, but friendships have been ruined over broken straps and cigarette-burns in skirts.

Having trouble finding a dress to love? Our flowchart will save the day. Words by ana Kinsella.

Buying from the ‘online high street’ is the best way to get the most ‘on-trend’ dress, but it comes with the risk of wearing the same dress as twenty others.

Diligent searching of some sites will turn up gems, though, and often for far cheaper than you’d find on the physical high street. Bookmark these sites: ASOS, Topshop & UO online, Modcloth, Etsy, Nasty Gal, AMI Clubwear and eBay. There’s something for everyone online, even the fussiest shopper, and some of these sites update their stock every day. Try to sign up for email newsletters to get a look at the best stock before it gets a chance to sell out. This way you’ll also hear of flash-sales and discount codes before others. This one is a job for speedy fingers, so remember to have your Laser cards at the ready.

The recession has led to the closure of a lot of Dublin’s most beloved stockists of niche and luxury brands, but there’s still a handful of shops which might just contain the dress of your dreams. Smock, Dolls, Costume, Lara, Fran & Jane and Bow (all around the Drury Street/ Clarendon Street area) stock a diverse range of Irish and European brands including Maison Martin Margiela, Tim Ryan, Preen, Karen Walker and Opening Ceremony amongst many more. Take a day to have a wander around Dublin’s boutique district and see for yourself what’s out there. And when it all gets a bit too fashion-forward for you, rest your feet over a leisurely lunch in the Powerscourt Townhouse.

Everyone loves an amazing vintage find, but in Dublin they can be few and far between. So unless you’ve got a trip to Paris or London scheduled between now and April, get trawling the city’s secondhand outlets and markets now, paying particular attention to 9 Crow Street, Lucy’s Lounge and the Dublin Flea Market as well as the city centre’s hitand- miss charity shops. And if you find something wonderful that’s a little too big, too long or too small, don’t write it off. A quick alteration at a tailor can make a dress fit perfectly for less than you’d think.

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Suits you sir

Evan Musgrave took a week out to navigate the menswear minefield

Day 1 Ok, so I just realised that Ball time is upon us once again, and this year, by hook or by crook, I will be stylish for once. What makes me think I haven’t been in recent years?

The other day I mentioned to a female classmate as a semi-joke that I would be wearing a GAA jersey under my tux. She replied with a painful quivering smile, earnestly believing me, leaving immediately when she politely remembered she had a presentation to do. I will no longer be that awkwardly dressed guy. No longer will people wish I had an older sister to style me. I will become, as I think Sting once wrote, “a dedicated follower of fashion”.

Day 2 And now begins my life as a fashionable man. After waking up predictably late (Championship Manager 01/02 binge), I spent the afternoon preparing a strategic threepoint-plan to develop a stylish mentality. This zealous ambition left me standing outside Louis Copeland that evening, shivering in fear, presented with my own gaudy reflection in the spotless window. After hovering around the back of the store for twenty minutes, glancing at silk ties from five feet away, I was finally approached. Vinnie introduced himself at lightning speed, and before he could imposingly ask if I was interested in anything, I was already shouting it uncontrollably. “SUITS! I’m… suits… and ties”. With a lingering confused look he escorted me to the sale rail to try on some jackets.

I’m not sure exactly what I said to offend him; it might simply have been my blank stare when asked if I was looking for something called “cufflinks”.

Whatever happened, Vinnie wanted nothing to do with me. He left, squeezing the bridge of his nose, assuring me that another assistant would see me.

Not wanting to wait for another one to see right through me, I fled the shop, forgetting my beaten 7 year old Le Coq Sportif hoody in the dressing room, damn!

“How did Kierkegaard style his tie? Half-Windsor knot i reckon – practical yet edgy.”

Day 3 After the incident in Louis Copeland my nerves had gone to shit. I had returned home, covered in perspiration and despair, and the only logical way to forget it was to throw on a polo t-shirt, cook a chicken Kiev and abuse people on Take Me Out. But today is a new day, and I’m taking it down a notch. I should have known better than to tackle the big stores straight away. For my morning routine I flicked through Men’s Health over a bowl of Weetabix, and wondered how many stomach crunches I could actually do if I went and attempted one. I also considered whether broader shoulders would be suitable for my height, or whether my gaunt frame was more fitting.

This is hopeless. This is so hopeless.

I later began a Google search of some formal wear tips for young men. On my travels I found a show called Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. My dad once gruffly used it as an example of debased morals in the modern world at the dinner table; it must be what I’m looking for.

“Fashion has been merely a gateway to my enhanced perception of reality. So what if i passed a guy wearing black shoes with brown slacks and spewed in a bin?” of the rainforest the size of Luce Hall is destroyed every single day? Fashion has been merely a gateway to my enhanced perception of reality. So what if I passed a guy wearing black shoes with brown slacks and spewed in a bin.

While pacing my room, contemplating my final outfit for the ball – tasteful black skinnies with vintage leather jacket and skinny tie, obviously – I imagined what it must be like for children in Indonesia to make all this stuff for us Western pigs. I also wonder if they’d be able to line a suit with a decent satin lapel, that tux in Blacktie today looked like it was designed by an incarcerated Samson fighting with Ray Charles.

Day 4

Day 7

Embarrassed, dazed and confused, I arrived into class fifteen minutes late this morning. It wasn’t really my fault; I had been walking along my usual route to college when I noticed Vinnie was outside Copeland’s having a cigarette. I was toast if he spotted me wearing medium dark grey under a light grey light v neck (why didn’t I wear blue or green?).

To top it off I wasn’t even carrying a satchel, I was fucked. The only thing I could do was hide in a doorway until he had finished his cig and latté. If only I had worn skinny jeans and a heavy wool double breasted overcoat with a high collar, I could have walked right past him.

Am I stylish, therefore I am? How did Kierkegaard style his tie? Half-Windsor knot I reckon - practical yet edgy. Did Aquinas reckon a button cover was necessary? Would he have rented, or bought, his formal wear? I’m just standing here in front of the giant mirror in the Jury’s Inn lobby firing out these questions to people returning from lunch. To be honest, I can’t believe nobody has ever come up with questions like me. I’m really a breakthrough for life on Earth. To top it off I’m sporting a 60s style classic wool suit, no tails (eugh), with a simple (read: potent) sleek white shirt and subtly sophisticated thin black tie with silver clip, which serves to give the overall tux a modern, zesty, confident allure.

Yes, when everyone is pre-drinking at some irrelevant location in South Dublin, I shall be preserving my classic layered mildly textured hairdo, ready to outshine the masses by coordinating the classic intellectual conversation that the Trinity Ball is renowned for.

I shall breeze out of front arch at 5am, my grafton collar still proudly intact, rigidly complementing my bow; everyone else will be stupidly stumbling towards a street of the same name, feasting on McDonalds, harassing anyone who stops for them. Oh yes, although I moved beyond my original goal of understanding fashion, the enlightenment I have recently achieved will make it a ball to remember fondly.

Day 5 Browsing through some terms on the internet made me fearful of the task ahead. Apparently a Mandarin tux can be worn for semi-formal occasions, what an odd choice of colour! I didn’t even click on the hyperlink to find out what a ‘cummerbund’ is.

My internet history is murky enough as it stands.

Day 6 Still no real progress, but I mean, who needs fashion? I’m on to bigger things. Did you know a section

By Evan Musgrave

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This Charmless Man

Portaloo pointers and ex etiquette

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ell, I feel like a bit of a fraud writing an article for the Trinity Ball Guide. I’m in my third year of college, meaning I’ve had two opportunities to attend the ball before. I went in first year, and didn’t bother in second year. That’s a 50 percent attendance rate.

I fully intend on making that 66.6 percent this year though.

My recollection of the Ball is a fairly pleasant one.

The line-up was disappointing. Just as it was the next year. But you’ll still enjoy it.

Pre-drinks in a friend’s house. Queued for ages.

You don’t expect to have to queue for so long, but it isn’t that bad because you see people you know, and everyone’s dressed up, and you’re all excited. Everyone seemed to want to sneak in drink, so I decided I’d give it a go too.

I was really proud of my method. I had a small bottle of vodka, and I put it into a sock. I then put this sock down my crotch, but the top of the sock was held in place by my belt. This meant that if I was frisked, they’d have to go right for my penis if they were to have any chance of feeling the drink.

And even then I could simply pretend I had an erection. It worked. I was delighted. I didn’t even have to use my erection lie.

By the time I got in, I was fairly drunk, and desperate for a piss. It was early enough that people

hadn’t quite started using the walls of the GMB as urinals. It wasn’t too early though for me to share a portaloo with a strange man, as we decided that the tried-and-tested routine of one person per portaloo wasn’t quite efficient enough, and that if I used the toilet, and he used the sink to piss in, we’d be doubling the speed of the whole process. What I didn’t consider was the looks we’d get as we left the portaloo, as the big line of toilet-needers looked as us with disgust, as the two men who simply couldn’t resist a little romp to kick off the evening.

I pottered around the rest of the night, bumping into friends and losing them just as quickly again.

Later on I met my ex. We had a chat and a dance, to Ladyhawke or The Script, one of those. We were restrained though and didn’t reignite the old flame.

But in McDonald’s when it was all over, and we were queuing up for some deliciously disgusting food, I decided I’d earned a good arse grab. I was not discouraged.

So there’s my advice for the Trinity Ball Guide.

Don’t abide by traditional portaloo protocol, and if you see your ex, get her to McDonald’s after and have a cheeky arse grab.

Words by Mark Walsh. Read more from Mark at www.walsho.net

À bout de souffle

Models: Jennie Fennell and Robbie Blake.

Jennie wears: sequin dress – Topshop, necklace – stylist’s own.

Robbie wears: shirt – American Apparel, bow tie – Wildchild, velvet smoking jacket –Wildchild.

21

Models: Gill Moore and Toby Evans.

Gill wears: panel dress – Reiss, pill-box hat – Urban Outfitters.

Toby wears: jacket – Topman, tie – Topman, shirt – American Apparel.

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Models: Michelle Judge and Fergus Carson -Williams.

Michelle wears: velvet playsuit – Topshop, rosary beads – H&M, earings – H&M, wedge shoes – Topshop.

Fergus wears: leather jacket – Wildchild, flannel shirt – American Apparel, slim fit trousers – Topman, boots – Topman.

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Models: Anna McGowan and Dylan Moules Anne wears: champagne gown –Wildchild, earrings – model’s own.

Dylan wears: tuxedo – Hackett, dress shirt –Moss Bros.

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Editor: Aisling Deng Assistant Editor: Jennifer Duignam Photographer: Lucia O'Connor-McCarthy (www.luciaomc.com) Photography Assistant: Caitriona Grimes Stylist: Aisling Deng Hair: Jane Akkerman (www.janeakkerman.com) Make-up: Roisin Kiberd Make-up assistant: Liza Cox Wardrobe assistant(s): Rosa Abbott, Clare Harrington, Rob Keane Models: Robbie Blake, Fergus Carson-Williams, Toby Evans, Jennie Fennell, Michelle Judge, Anna McGowan and Gill Moore A special thanks to: American Apparel (01 670 6936), Wildchild (01 675 9933), Topman (01 6793481), The Garden: Powerscourt Town House (01 6125260), The Science Gallery (01 896 4091), Cafe en Seine (01 677 4567) and Shebeen Chic (01 6799667)

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he first Trinity Ball was held in 1959, with the model of our British counterparts’ May Ball in mind. Dress code: slick silk dresses and sharp tailcoats.

Fast-forward and half a century later, it has metamorphosised into a skins-esque rave. While Trinity Ball is still imbued in tradition that doesn’t mean you have to valiantly uphold it. So in the hallowed words of Dizzee Rascal, ‘Fuck the glitz and glamour, hit um' with the blitz and gamma’.

It’s a long trajectory from the start of the night to the end. The transition from pruning and plucking in front of the bathroom mirror to projectile vomiting into a bush is a bleak one, so style and comfort should ideally go hand in hand.

Consider both the material and overall shape of the dress.

wrap dress. Ranging from the simple body skimming to the Grecian inspired draped dress, simply add platform court shoes for that instant LIFT. Accessorise longer dresses with statement earrings, with a deep v-neck emphasise the décolletage with a necklace and chunky bracelets for sleeveless dresses to maintain the overall balance of the composition. However, the current stirring spring weather calls for something fresh and fragrant. Flowers are the perfect gift for a date and also work beautifully as an adornment e.g. corsages.

They breathe life into outfits yet subtly speak volumes. The Garden in Powerscourt Town House offers tailor made corsages and bouquets to match your outfit, so boys take note.

fi x

up

While it is the most convenient option for an once-off occasion and lets your pocket off lightly, it is worth considering investing in a tuxedo of your own especially if you’re a freshman. The chances of attending 3+ Balls over the course of your degree is inevitable.

“The Garden in Powerscount townhouse tailor make corsages and bouquets to match your outfit, so Boys take note.”

In general, tea dresses are a good option for those that want to twirl and whirl (or hurl) all night long. The originals are always the best. Go to vintage emporiums such as the student friendly Wildchild on Drury Street or Jenny Vander to find an old gem.

The thick wooden heel is still bang on trend so there’s no excuse not to choose a sensible yet stylish shoe. The cocktail dress is a chic alternative to a ball gown and due to its length would suit a simple pair of flats. As the shortness of the dress will allude to the legs being proportionally longer, they offset the outfit perfectly.

From Jill Sander to Miu Miu, Spring/ Summer ’11 sees the blossoming of bold block colours paired off with clean pop shapes.

Team a semi-sheer cream beaded top from Topshop or an American Apparel rosette top with a fluro-coral ‘Carrie’ pleated skirt from Whistles and strappy sandals for a light and breezy outfit. Often imitated but seldom matched on the high street, head to Reiss and Karen Millen for the cream of the crop. Test the fabric by stretching it. If it yields and bounces back then it’s of good quality and will retain its shape. This will also become apparent at the touch, it should be thickly woven and reassuringly so. Alternatively, choose a

Second-hand tuxes can be bought from Black Tie and House of Fraser offers a good range at reasonable prices. However, if you’re going all out, guns blazing, Hackett is the one stop shop for all your black tie needs. Tailored to a T, the tuxedos are of the highest quality. Also a more louche look can be achieved by assembling a velvet smoking jacket with matching bow tie and trousers.

look

If you’re on a budget Wildchild and Harlequin are the best places for tweed and velvet jackets. With the trouble of trouser and shirt sizes, it’s far easier to get them new. However, if you have the cash to flash then splash out on a smart signature suit from Ted Baker. As Mr. Rascal proclaimed ‘I'm old school like Happy Shopper.’ I’m sure my home boy, Oscar Wilde the ‘Happy Prince’ would heartily give props to that.

Aisling Deng

sh

arp 29

The business of the Ball

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he Trinity Ball epitomises the social element of College life. For many, it is a night that will never be forgotten, something special which few other occasions can emulate.

From listening to your favorite acts, to partying with your drunken mates in Front Square, the Trinity Ball has it all. Yet, in the euphoria of the moment, the majority of us fail to appreciate what a seismic operation the Trinity Ball actually is. We rarely question how the lineup is selected, how the licenses are attained and how the health and safety issues are addressed.

Behind the scenes, months of planning, negotiation and organization culminate in our experience on the night. As such, it is fascinating to study the process by which Trinity Ball develops from an idea in Genockey’s head to a five hour long, fun-filled extravaganza in April.

Crucial to the smooth running of the Trinity Ball is the involvement of MCD, the country’s most successful event management firm. Several years ago, the Students Union took the decision to sign a contract with MCD, effectively outsourcing the running of the ball from the College. This was

“Behind the scenes months of planning, negotiation and organization culminate in our experience on the night.”

taken in light of the poor quality which defined the Balls of the late 90’s, when poor ticket sales and insufficient planning threatened the continued production of the Trinity Ball. The contract with MCD was signed on the premise that by inviting a professional firm to manage the running of the event, an all-round better product would be delivered to students, with the experience and expertise of MCD ensuring the best acts were attracted and an enhanced experience on the night.

Incumbent Ents officer Darragh Genockey is unequivocal in his assertion that the outsourcing of the Trinity Ball to MCD was a landmark decision. He maintains that an event as complex and professional as the Trinity Ball would simply be an impossible task for any Ents officer without external involvement. He points to the fact that in recent years the Trinity Ball has gone from a small scale operation to a huge, profitable and oversubscribed machine. This phenomenon he attributes to MCD, and the surge in quality that has accompanied their involvement.

Initial planning for the Trinity Ball begins in September of the academic year. At this stage, the Ents officer enters into contact with representatives from MCD, and proposals and aspirations for the Ball are put forward. MCD have heavy influence over the lineup, and discussions take place with regard to the acts which are likely to be prominent come April. Moreover, Ents and MCD engage in high level contact with members of the college faculty, in order to reach a consensus with regard to the logistics of the night. One must remember that, understandably, Trinity campus is regarded by many affiliated with the college as hallowed turf, and in this context, there is a real desire by all parties involved to ensure that minimal disruption and damage occurs on the night. Given the fact that over 7000 drunken and banter-seeking students are regularly in attendance, this is no mean feat.

Indeed, health and safety is of paramount importance.

All involved recognise the dangers inherent in a project as immense as Trinity Ball. As such, both MCD and the college security staff ensure that there is ample protection for students.

Dozens of stewards patrol the grounds on the night and there is even a medical tent for revelers who hit the booze a little too hard. It is a tribute to the organizers that practically every year, the night goes off without a hitch from a health and safety perspective, with only mild issues arising for stewards to content with.

Invariably, the line up for any Trinity Ball is heavily scrutinised as it is often loaded with a broad range of genres and styles. The Ball continues to attract some of the music world’s biggest acts, with the likes of Mark Ronson and Dizzee Rascal headlining in recent years. Genockey is extremely proud of this tradition and is noticeably pleased with how this year’s lineup has shaped up. He points out however, that while Ents and MCD are committed to attracting the biggest names to feature 31

“Remarkably, in only two days, organizers manage to return campus to its original state, despite the pandemonium that occurs on the night of the Ball.”

in the Ball, there is real emphasis placed on promoting home-grown talent. Over the years, numerous obscure bands have used Trinity Ball as a vehicle to launch a successful career in the music industry.

Obviously, it is a remarkable achievement for any fledgling band to be offered the opportunity to work with professional event organizers and play to over 7000 students. As a part-time band manager himself, no one is more aware of this than Genockey. In his first year in Trinity, Genockey managed a band that played the main stage at the ball that has since gone on to achieve noteworthy critical acclaim.

Paradoxically, one of the most planned elements of the Trinity Ball has nothing to do with night itself. As is to be expected, an event as big as the ball requires a mas-

sive and well-planned cleanup operation.

Stages must be disassembled, equipment packed up, and litter removed from the campus grounds.

An added importance is placed on the cleanup operation as the Ball directly precedes Trinity Monday, the day in which foundation scholars are confirmed, and as Genockey aptly quips, “The most Trinity event of all”. MCD spear-head the operation, hiring agency and contract cleaners to ensure the grounds look impeccable for the inauguration of scholars. Remarkably, in only two days, organisers manage to return campus to its original state, despite

the pandemonium that occurs on the night of the Ball.

It is testament to the efforts of Ents, MCD and the Trinity Ball organizing committee that the Ball continues to be recognised as the most important night of the year for virtually every Trinity student. The huge amount of hours put in by all involved in the production ensures the Ball is a highly professional affair and a night that lives long in the memory. And given the unprecedented level of organisation that has gone into Trinity Ball 2011, one can rest assured that this year’s Ball will be one of the best in living memory.

Words by Owen Bennett

A

Odds of love long with which modules to study, who to live with and whether to buy standard or quilted bog roll, the question of who you should take to the Ball as your plus-one is, for many, one of the most contentious issue of the year. Obviously if you’re lucky enough to be in a relationship (i.e. if you’re lucky enough to spend the best night of the year glued to your quite mediocre-looking partner counting down the hours ‘till you can go home, have a cup of coco and go to bed) then clearly this decision has already been made for you.

If however, like me, you are a sexual King Kong just waiting to have the shackles removed so you can go on a rampage of promiscuity, the deliberation will be endless. Do you play it safe and invite the person you’ve scored before and who is as easy as doing The Sun crossword? Or do you take along a purely platonic friend and, as the great philosopher and ex-Trinity Ball performer Tinie Tempah once said, “risk it for a chocolate biscuit” (i.e. do you take your chances of scoring someone at the party)? The former strategy is obviously more assured; but the freedom to chase whoever takes your fancy is also strangely alluring. If you are teetering on the edge of inviting Mrs/Mr Sure Thing then here are a few things worth considering.

Firstly, you’ve got to calculate what economists call the ‘probability payoff’. This essentially means multiplying the probability that you will get frisky by the numerical value you assign to the utility associated with doing so. For example, if your date is an absolute dead cert but has a face like the back of

“Do you play it safe and invite the person you’ve scored before and who is as easy as doing The Sun crossword?”

a bus then the calculation looks like this: P(quality of sex) = 1*3/3. On the other hand, if they’re probability is lower but are Trinity’s answer to Jessica Alba/Robert Pattinson then the calculation will look like this: P(quality of sex) = 0.7*8/5.6. It’s no good being blasé, calculations like this might just be the difference between a banging ball (in more ways than one) and an average/ poor one.

The second, vital aspect to consider is their taste in music. Yes, the Ball is about getting hammered and getting your freak on, but it’s also about listening to some of your favourite acts turn it up to eleven. With this in mind, even if the sex is certain, it is clearly absurd to invite a hardcore techno fan when you’d much rather see Jessie J do it like a man dem, man dem. Of course there are compromises to be made, but again maths has the answer: a quick ‘cost-benefit analysis’ (are you happy to miss some acts in return for some guaranteed nookie?) will guide you through this labyrinth.

Finally, and in my opinion most importantly, if the Ball is all about getting boozed-up, you simply must assess the type and quality of drinker they are.

Are they going to be puking, crying and demanding a kebab after a few sips of the illegally smuggled naggin? Or worse still are they going to get so drunk that the very idea of sex seems morally and physically repugnant?

So there you have it fellow singletons, three top tips to consider when choosing your date. Whatever you do decide, once you’ve chosen your path you’ve got to see it through to the end –juggling two strategies simply won’t work. Best of luck and godspeed.

Josh Roberts 33

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Pump up the jams Expert opinions on the hits of the Ball by Eiléan Ní Chuileanáin, Trinity Fellow and award-winning poet.

Bell X1 - Eve, The Apple Of My Eye Music In Mouth, Universal, 2003

Chipmunk - Oopsy Daisy I Am Chipmunk, Columbia, 2010

“No surprises, I thought Eve the most accomplished, though I wonder how tired I could get of the fourth interval that seems to be everywhere in this kind of music. But the words are complex and suggestive.”

The Streets - Let’s Push Things Forward

“Let’s Push Things Forward is witty and narcissistic like a lot of this rappish stuff, but it moves energetically and I enjoyed it.”

Original Pirate Material, 679, 2002

Glasser - Apply

Apply EP, True Panther, 2010

Devlin - Brainwashed

Bud, Sweat and Beers, Island, 2010

Jessie J - Do It Like A Dude

“Apply is the kind of music I like, inventive and alert, and the voice is one part among many. Breathy backing vocals less to my taste.”

Who Are You, Lava, 2010

Professor Green feat. Example Monster Alive Till I’m Dead, Virgin, 2010

Fight Like Apes - Lend Me Your Face ...And The Mystery Of The Golden Medallion, Model Citizen, 2009

Katy B - Katy On A Mission On A Mission, Columbia, 2010

Rubberbandits - Horse Outside Single, self-released, 2010

Simian Mobile Disco - Hustler

Attack Decay Sustain Release, Wichita, 2007

Alex Metric - It Starts Single, Marine Parade, 2010

Playlist compiled by Karl McDonald. Hear it in full at tinyurl.com/ballguide. Illustration by Grace Margetson 36

“[Monster is funny and inventive and I can imagine fun to be in a room with.”

Music

The Streets · Bell X1 · Professor Green · Simian Mobile Disco · Glasser Rubberbandits · Fight Like Apes · Jessie J

Illustration by Kathi Burke

The Streets

“If you t you he Streets you think in New Y

think about rap, and ear the words ‘The s’, it probably makes k of the Wu Tang Clan York or something...”

Bangers, not anthems

Karl McDonald examines The Streets’s legacy as Mike Skinner faces into retirement

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here are few British artists around today with the level of cultural influence that The Streets has had. His 2002 debut album, Original Pirate Material, marked the first real example of an English rapper using his own vernacular and his own concerns to express something unique and relatable for the average person. Nowadays, in the wake of Dizzee Rascal, it’s difficult to imagine that British rap music was once stuck in the underground, either frantic MCing over garage beats or wantonly derivative, accented New York-style gangsta rap. Mike Skinner was not the first to change this, but he was the first to truly break through.

“If you think about rap, and you hear the words ‘The Streets’, it probably makes you think of the Wu Tang Clan in New York or something. Whereas I suppose what my music is all about is saying life’s not like that for most people,” Skinner told the Observer in 2004 after he released his most commercially successful record, A Grand Don’t Come For Free, a concept album about life, love, holidays and the loss of the eponymous £1000. That album featured his biggest hit and his main contribution to the monoculture, break-up lament Dry Your Eyes. On top of soundtracking every English footballing defeat for the rest of the century, Skinner’s unapologetically parochial music had a pro-

found effect on the charts in the UK (and, by extension, Ireland). Lily Allen’s heavily accented, local colour first album Alright Still, featuring Smile and LDN, was clearly in The Streets’s lineage, and it’s hard to imagine east London youth Dizzee Rascal having the breakthrough he had without Skinner paving the way. On top of this, The Beats Recordings, the label Skinner founded with his manager Terry Mayhem, launched the careers of Example and Professor Green, who made the Ball line-up last year and this year respectively.

Original Pirate Material had wild critical success, essentially blanketing end of decade lists with mentions in NME, Pitchfork and Rolling Stone on top of a “class of its own” from totemic music writer Simon Reynolds. But rapping about greasy spoon cafeterias for legions of doe-eyed critics isn’t exactly the ideal situation, and it was never Skinner’s intention. “It wasn’t till the second album that I really felt like I hit the people that I was aiming to hit with the first album, and that was just normal people. The only way to get to normal people, though, is to be big.” That’s what happened. A Grand Don’t Come For Free went platinum multiple times, Skinner showed up on the side of your local bus looking intense selling Reebok Classics, and The Streets became A-list as far as the London tabloid press was concerned. This was going to have an effect.

The Streets’ third album, The Hardest

“...Whereas I suppose what my music is all about is saying life’s not like that for most people.”

39

Essential Preparation 1. Turn The Page Original Pirate Material (2002) The first track on the first Streets album, the rising strings produce a gradual euphoria as Skinner introduces himself.

2. Let’s Push Things Forward Original Pirate Material (2002) With a dub reggae rhythm and a Ghost Town-esque horn riff, this is The Streets’ manifesto: “bangers, not anthems.”

3. Don’t Mug Yourself Original Pirate Material (2002) This upbeat track tells the story of Mike’s friend discouraging him from seeming too keen about a girl, over a full English.

4. It Was Supposed To Be So Easy A Grand Don’t Come For Free (2004) The first track on The Streets’ most successful album, it sets up the plot. Everything goes wrong, and Mike loses a grand.

“I’ve been doing it for ten years and I’ve always tried to do something new with each album.”

Way To Make An Easy Living, saw Skinner approach the new subject matter of daily life that fame had presented him with. Reviews differed drastically, with those who embraced the comments on celebrity culture and what was perceived as a life of excess clashing strongly with those who thought that the once-relatable MC had lost his connection to the “normal people” he claimed to be writing for. On When You Wasn’t Famous, he even provided a piece of tabloid controversy of his own, saying “My whole life I never thought I’d see, a pop star smoke crack”, a line perceived to refer to a real person. Dedicating the song to Cheryl Cole on Top Of The Pops didn’t help, though he did magnanimously rule her out as the inspiration later.

Despite its change of focus, The Hardest Way To Make An Easy Living is a fascinating album. American rap music provided a precedent for The Rapper in which the first album was perceived as “real”, and subsequent albums tended more towards braggadoccio on the subject of having “made it”. The Streets, which was never all that closely bound up with the discourse of American rap, combined the

newfound subject matter with a hearty amount of neurosis, leading to an uncomfortable but ultimately compelling listen.

It was followed up

by Everything Is Borrowed, a much more contemplative affair inspired by the death of Skinner’s father. But now, with the release of his fifth album Computers and Blues, Skinner is ready to step away from The Streets and let his oeuvre speak for itself.

“There comes a time when you’ve had so much success, you’ve got so much money, there’s so much madness, you tend to end up destroying yourself. I’m relieved I won’t have to play that game any more,” he told the Sun recently. He has compared his five album run with that of widely respected television series The Wire – five records, each conceptually distinct but part of one recognisable thing. “I’ve been doing it for ten years and I’ve always tried to do something new with each album. Some has been amazingly received, and some hasn’t been, and I’ve run out of new avenues,” he said in a Guardian interview.

Computers and Blues revisits many of Skinner’s previous creative directions, but it’s the similarities to Original Pirate Material that are most unexpected, and thus the

5. Blinded By The Lights A Grand Don’t Come For Free (2004) A spellbinding cross-weave of a man dealing with a cheating girlfriend and overindulgence on one blurry night.

6. Fit But You Know It A Grand Don’t Come For Free (2004) There’s a girl, and though Mike admits that she is fit and he definitely would, her attitude is a turn-off.

7. Dry Your Eyes A Grand Don’t Come For Free (2004) The consummate break-up song.

8. When You Wasn’t Famous Hardest Way To Make An Easy Living (2006) The biggest single off The Streets’ third album, this song recounts the difficulties of pulling girls who are also famous.

9. The Escapist Everything Is Borrowed (2008) A contemplative track with an accompanying video of Skinner actually walking to France.

10. Trust Me Computers and Blues (2011) A return to Original Pirate Material-era kitchen sink musings over a funky beat.

most prominent. Skinner commented that “it’s all the directions I’ve been down defore rehashed into something that sounds quite nice on the ears.” He was also curiously misquoted on Digital Spy as saying that it was going to sound like Lou Reed’s haunting album Berlin. The clarificationn made a lot more sense. It sounds like Berlin, the place. The instrumentals are relatively straightforward, hard-nosed electronic beats, updating the “pirate” garage of the first album.

The subject matter is familiar - hassle, club sweat, phones, weed paranoia - and the delivery is pure, just trademark flow and no joking around. It does sound “quite nice”. In fact, it’s probably the best Streets album in almost a decade, and it’s a fitting sign off for this period in Skinner’s career.

He plans to do other things. He could release music in the future, but it will go

“The subject matter is familiar and the delivery is pure, just trademark flow and no joking around.”

online for free. Beyond that, there’s his Beat Stevie video series on YouTube, and the possibility of a screenplay - something to recapture the excitement of not knowing exactly how or what to do.

The legacy of The Streets will take a while to fully appreciate, but it’s clear that Skinner’s five albums stand shoulder to shoulder with a long line of British songwriting imbued with its own distinct (nonAmerican) sense of humour. There was Ray Davies and the Kinks, and Morrissey, and Damon Albarn and Jarvis Cocker, and then the 2000s has Mike Skinner.

There is a balance between critically acclaimed albums (and A Grand Don’t Come

For Free is apparently constructed around Christ’s parable of the lost silver) and hits with universal appeal.

This combination of critical and popular endearment is increasingly rare in the wake of the internet and the break-up of the monoculture. But somehow, whether you’re into the garage raps and more navel-gazing stuff or not, it seems like it’s those big hits - Dry Your Eyes, Fit But You Know It, Let’s Push Things Forward - that are going to make the Ball performance so unmissable.

Hardest Way To Make An Easy Living (2006)

Cyberspace and Reds (2010)

Discography

Original Pirate Material (2002)

A Grand Don’t Come For Free (2004)

Everything Is Borrowed (2008)

Computers and Blues (2011)

41

Bell X1

Bell of the Ball

Paul noonan of Bell X1 speaks to aisling deng about lyrics, Irish music and the Ball itself

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teinbeck, the U.S Airforce, a farm and five boys from Kildare. What’s the common denominator here? Answer: Bell X1. Named after the rocket plane that was dropped out of a B-52 bomber and broke the speed of sound, the aircraft and band may have more in common than meets the eye.

Success, once attained, is a fickle mistress. Whilst on the flip side Irish bands are often fêted by Irish media, younger audiences all too quickly duff them off as the stigmatised “cool”.

The Irish Independent hailed Bell X1 as a cross between “Radiohead and Animal Collective,” perhaps not the most precise of derivatives. For all the disparity in their sound, singer Paul Noonan’s dulcet tones seem to anchor the band in place.

I would hasten to call them more Talking Heads/B52s meets Snow Patrol. Like Lightbody, Noonan’s voice has the gentlest of Irish lilts. On a Thursday morning I find the frontman “hungover but happy.” He tells me of their recent plans, the latest project being the video for Velcro, the debut single off their album, Bloodless Coup.

“We shot it in a pig shed in Kildare. It’s a little bit Sesame Street, a little bit Michel Gondry.” A keen sense of visual awareness seems to have struck a cord with Noonan early on.

“When I first saw the video to Road to Nowhere, as a young

kid, the physical comedy, as well as the visual aspect, appealed to me and people of a really young age.” The five-piece have never lost their sense of home. Whether or not that’s apparent in their music is irrelevant, but it’s still a refreshing sight.

The bones of the band began as Juniper with Damien Rice at the helm. Rice left in 2001 to pursue a solo career but the remaining members banded together and continued in a clearer, more unified vision of what they wanted to achieve.

And in the past decade it seems like they are still sticking to their guns and garnering the rewards (and awards). The Great Defector, the anthemic tour-de-force from Blue Lights on the Runway shines a light on the experience of touring.

“A song like that tries to capture that transience and constant newness of everything when you’ve not slept for two days ... We were in America four times and in Europe a lot, I suppose it was an attempt to describe the madness of crazy living and no sleep for a while. Like if you’ve no sleep for a few days, that kind of delirious spacey state that you reach and it was a celebration of that.”

This note of optimism is key to Bell X1. It feeds into their rousing, jangling ever-experimenting sound without veering towards an avant-garde ‘experimental’ label. So what sets them apart? For many it’s the indie-rock perilously careening

on pop sound but for me, their intelligent brand of strong narrative lyricism is the most arresting.

Take The Great Defector. It’s based on Steinbeck’s novel Of Mice and Men. Small town lads, with big plans. Sound familiar?

In Every Sunflower offers a slice of the poignancy of relationships and reminiscing on a plate.

Of a sparkling Medusa With snakes of cerise and blue And though we’re all pillars of salt now it was worth is for the view For Noonan the writing process is more sporadic than structured. “Songs will be born out of a single line that I’ve scribbled down or sung into my phone at four in the morning ... I find that initial inspiration thrilling but actually cobbling them into songs is hard work.” Tracks like Ribs of Umbrellas are stories gleaned from strangers at bars. A tragic romance story about a Polish immigrant who moved to New York and had planned to set up a life with a girl from his home town but they lost contact.

50 years later “he had this photograph in his wallet, a black and white photo of this young girl that he still held a candle for...

He never married or had a family.”

A strong sense of oral tradition is imparted, the social element of storytelling rousing emotion akin to the bar scene. Recording is a different kettle of fish though. “This new record was born out of a desire for more discipline, the fact that you can now make records on laptops on kitchen tables is quite a disparate thing.” The band chose to capture moments in time, employing a fresh zeitgeist approach. “Dave and I will get together after having worked together separately. We then rehearse till we’re happy to bring the songs to the point where we can take a photograph of that rehearsal.”

Noonan cites The Beatles’s 1967 Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band as an example of the recording process they sought to veer away from. During a session in New York, Noonan elaborates that the Grammy Award winning producer Steve Lillywhite “put forward the somewhat controversial hypothesis that with Sergeant Pepper, The Beatles became the first high profile band who really didn’t know what they were going to do until they got in the studio, and then they used the studio as an instrument … that Sergeant Pepper killed music, which I think is being willfully controversial.”

However, looking over the band’s back catalogue, the aspired “tightness” manifests itself in the loose theming that bind the otherwise sprawling albums together.

For instance Flock was based on “Modern Ireland and how we are the first generation in a first world Ireland.” Bloodless Coup seems to carry on this thread, chronicling Ireland’s trajectory. It speaks of “the first world Ireland that’s now soured... a mirage.

A sense of despair to where we’ve been lead, there’s no way home on the political horizon... a bloodless coup.”

Despite the ineffectiveness of the coalition, Noonan would still vote Green. The band feels a social obligation to “plant trees when touring so much.” They’re socially aware but not preachers by nature. When abroad, they shy away from branding themselves as an “Irish band” – they’re proud but not loud. Having played with up-andcoming bands like Hurts, I ask them how they feel about the music scene in Ireland.

“Music has broadened, there is nothing Irish about Halves or Villagers. For a long time, the Irish band was almost a derogatory term, it almost meant pub rock in its most extreme but the last few years there has been great music coming out of Ireland like electronic, hip-hop. That stereotype has really been blown out of the water.”

Speaking of their relationship with record labels, he feels like Bell X1’s time with Universal’s offshoot Island Records provided a platform to the wider public.

“Songs will be born out of a single line that i’ve scribbled down or sung into my phone at four in the morning...”

1. Eve, The Apple Of My Eye Music In Mouth (2003) With its roots in a song called Never performed by Juniper, the protoBell X1 featuring Damien Rice, this track’s inclusion on the soundtrack to the OC led to the band’s American breakthrough.

2. Flame Flock (2005) The second single off Flock, this is an infectious, original, slightly sinister pop song, which was also curiously translated into Irish for the Ceol compilation.

3. Rocky Took A Lover Flock (2005) The follow-up to Flame was a more blissed-out, positive affair, getting plenty of radio play and soundtracking a Dublin Bus ad. It is the song the band performed on Letterman.

4. The Great Defector Blue Lights On The Runway (2009) The biggest single off Bell X1’s fourth album combines a distinctly Irish love poetry – “you are the chocolate at the end of my Cornetto” – with a song reminiscent of Stop Making Sense-era Talking Heads.

5. Bad Skin Day Flock (2005) Never released as a single, this delicate song remains a fan favourite.

6. Like I Love You B-side (2003) The flip side to Eve, The Apple Of My Eye was this fun cover of Justin Timberlake’s breakthrough single.

“The only time i actually went to Trinity Ball was when it happened to fall on my 18th birthday. I’ve extremely hazy memories of it.”

It afforded them the freedom and leisure to play acoustic gigs in smaller venues and vary their sound. “The first three records were working towards a literal breakthrough. It took us a while to get to Europe and the US. But with each record it always feels like a new frontier, a breath of fresh air. With this record we’ll get to finally tour East Asia.”

As the band gear up for it, it’s funny to think of a line from an old crowd favourite, Next to You, which ironically describes “those holy souvenirs at Knock that come all the way from China.” It comes as no surprise when Noonan concedes that, although he relishes working in the studio, he finds it “initially engaging but then it becomes tedious”, preferring to tour because “the act of travelling involves meeting new people ... [Music] as a language I think it’s something far more communicative and touches places that others don’t.”

However on Bloodless Coup, the band got the opportunity to work with an old friend, the producer Rob Kirwan in Grouse Lodge, Westmeath, which has seen everyone from Muse and Manic Street Preachers to Michael Jackson pass through its muchrevered doors. He regards working with producers and directors more a “relationship, a collaborative effort” than a vertical integration of parts.

Noonan believes the band don’t have a sound that allows itself to be pinpointed.

“We’ve always been a bit all over the shop.”

He stresses how integral a sense of autonomy is to the band, stating “you have to be more than the sum of your parts.” As regular fixtures of the main stage at Electric Picnic and Oxegen, headlining gigs at Malahide Castle, selling out consecutive nights at The O2, gracing US chat shows such as Late Night with David Letterman, why play Trinity Ball?

Noonan, a computer engineer graduate, says with a hint of nostalgia that “four out of five of us went to Trinity and we have fond memories there.”

Having attended an all boys secondary school, coming to college meant ever-welcome company of the female kind. “The only time I actually went to Trinity Ball was when it happened to fall on my 18th birthday. I’ve extremely hazy memories of it… but I do remember seeing Therapy?”

The boys from Kildare have come a long way from dreaming about the Road to Nowhere and stumbling inebriated around the grounds of campus, to the tune of 90s northern irish indie rock. A decade since the release of their debut album Neither Am I, their electric and indeed eclectic blend of ballad and anthem hits from Flame to Eve the Apple of My Eye, have helped them reap the fruits of their labour.

Noonan finds it hard deciding a favourite song to play live, but the thrill of revealing new material remains unsurpassed it seems. “I have to say the newest are the best, My Night Watchman is the one that calls out to me.” On Ball night, there’s no doubt that Bell X1 will be the first port of call for many.

Discography

Neither Am I (2000)

Music In Mouth (2003)

Flock (2005)

Tour de Flock (2007)

Blue Lights On The Runway (2009)

Bloodless Coup (2011)

45

Professor Green

It’s academic

Evan Musgrave chats with cocky Cockney MC Stephen Paul Maunderson, better known as Professor Green

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ollege will be green in April with the arrival of one of the UK’s most exciting rappers of the past year. With one major label album under his belt, and another in the works, 2011 is set to be a particularly special one for Professor Green.

Hailing from the London’s East End, Green - born Stephen Paul Manderson had formative years marked by a troubled home life, forced to live with his grandmother as a response to absent parents.

After several years of enduring brushes with the law, violence, and general hustling (while eschewing the chance to attend various private schools on a scholarship), Green decided to forego delinquency in order to make a go of an idealised hiphop career, a choice which those who get to see him at this year’s Ball are bound to appreciate. Born Cockney, and born cocky, Green took a lively few minutes to answer some questions for the Ball Guide ahead of the April date.

Straight from the off, he expressed his delight at the line-up, relishing the chance to perform on the same night as some other well-known previous collaborators such as The Streets, Devlin and Chipmunk. His performance will surely be one to watch out for. Commenting on his appreciation of his fellow UK rappers set to play, Green more than hinted at some sort of live collaborative effort, assuring us that “there is talk of us doing a cover of Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up in a Glee style”, and promising, “there will be harmonies the

“I’ve commissioned Jean-Paul Gaultier to knock together a little something for the event. It’ll make Lady Gaga’s eyes water”

like of you’ve never heard before”.

Singling out Katy B’s performance as one he’s eagerly anticipating, he praised her and the UK urban scene for holding its ground in recent years.

“The support within the scene and from the industry has been fantastic, and it’s great to see Ireland embracing it as well. I performed at Oxegen last year and, despite the weather, it was a great day out. I look forward to coming back. As for Katy B she killed it at the end of 2010 with Katy On A Mission and 2011 is shaping up nicely for her.”

Indeed, the 2011 Ball is something Professor Green has every intention of making his mark on. “Of course and I hear it’s a right fancy affair as well. Tuxedos and ball gowns. I’ve commissioned Jean-Paul Gaultier to knock together a little something for the event. It’ll make Lady Gaga’s eyes water”.

His first foray into rapping began at a friend’s house, where he unexpectedly found himself in control of the mic at a freestyle party. His breakthrough as a serious MC came on London’s underground battle circuit.

After spotting a poster for the LyricPad competition while on a lunch break, he attended that night and won. Several weeks later he had racked up six straight victories, and after finally losing a battle, he returned to win another seven consecutive competitions.

At the age of 18 he was called to the Power Summit battle in the Bahamas. With notable battles of sharp wit and knockout punchlines, he made the final and finished second in the worldwide competition to Jin, a member of DMX’s crew, narrowly missing out on the 50k top prize.

The next few years were a series of setbacks: having his house raided on charges

of possession, being dropped from his label and a facial stabbing in a London nightclub which left him hospitalised, battling against death.

Rising again in the wake of these setbacks complete with an eight inch scar alongside a tattoo saying “Lucky”, Green brought out a series of underground releases before climbing to the summit of the UK rap scene with his 2010 major label release Alive Till I’m Dead.

Commended for its innovative sampling, dexterous wordplay and intriguing collaborations, the album led to his induction to a new network of highprofile gigs across the globe, something which he has seemingly dealt with in a remarkably blasé manner. He described his performance alongside Lily Allen to support Muse at Wembley Stadium simply as “big”, and made sure to mention hanging out with the band on a yacht trip in Sydney Harbour as one of the more bizarre moments of his career to date.

Although in some respects he superficially begs the title of a British Eminem, Green remains uniquely British, dazzlingly incomparable, less the psychopathic transgressor, more of a playful wit. Critics have praised his untraditional approach to

gained him a reputation alongside other crossover artists such as Katy B, Example and Plan B. Commenting on the growth of the UK scene in recent years, Green believes the UK artists are gradually overtaking US counterparts in terms of innovation and willingness to experiment. “Productionwise, styling-wise, we really seem to be delivering and the US is taking notice.

Having said that there are always innovators across the pond, Odd Future being a recent example.”

Speaking to us, the rapper has assured that his recent growth in popularity and commercial success has not affected this process of experimentation. “If I like a track or beat then I’m on it immediately.

It’s the approach I’ve always used and it has worked for me to date. That, and spending millions of dollars on producers.

We spent $412,000,000 on the last album.”

Professor Green is an impressive character, a delight to catch in full flow and indeed a consummate performer. This act is definitely one to take in when at the ball, and the rapper has promised he’ll be ready to make a good night of it, planning to “hit the Guinness and Jameson hard” while he’s here.

49

“If I like a track or beat then I’m on it immediately. It’s the approach I’ve always used and it has worked for me to date.” penning songs. Indeed, the rapper on his last album has attempted to render his work with less of the mindless competitive bravado overplayed by so many other rap artists.

Deriving substantial influence from Notorious BIG; Green’s substance is founded on his ability as a storyteller. His influence is not limited to hip-hop however, Green namechecks the likes of Portishead, Radiohead and Suzanne Vega as major influences. Also notable is his zealous use of pop culture references: his most recent single Monster thanks Peter André for looking after his children.

His position in the developing dubstep, drum ‘n’ bass and grime scenes of London

Simian Mobile Disco

Monkeys Gone To Heaven Keith Grehan looks at the history of electrohouse wizards Simian Mobile Disco

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imian Mobile Disco consists of Jas Shaw and James Ford. “It came about when James and I would go straight from playing a gig to DJ-ing mad electro in a tiny club somewhere, and we needed a funny name to go under. To be honest, if we’d have known how things were going to pan out, we’d have used a different name. It’s just ended up confusing people”. So Simian added Mobile Disco to make their name as they needed something to put on fliers and gig listings and Mobile Discos are generally associated with cheesy weddings.

“Before Simian Mobile Disco, we were in a four-piece band called Simian. I played keyboards and James was the drummer.

While we were touring with that, the production side of it had quite a lot of electronic things going on. At the time it was very difficult to do live. The band was really just a traditional rock band. I had one of those old organs, like the one the Monkees used.

We had a few triggers and whatnot; but it wasn’t as electronic as we wanted to go. We had the choice of either playing off of triggers or playing to a backing track, neither of which were really cutting it. We were always really into electronic music. So while we were travelling around, touring with Simian, we started to get some gigs DJing.

And we sort of took off from there.”

Whereas Simian were a straight up rock group, Simian Mobile Disco is an electronic project, mainly utilising vintage synths and keyboards. “We always use old analogue machines and synths to record our tracks because they sound warmer than computer software. You get much more personality out of analogue. You never know what sound is going to come out.

With Simian Mobile Disco, if we make mistakes we leave them in.”

James and Jan have stated before that coming from a rock background, they

tend to write and record more like a band than as electronic producers. “We record a lot of stuff in one take. It makes tracks sound more human. Human ears are used to picking up imperfections, and I think it makes tracks sound less anodyne.”

Debut album, Attack Decay Sustain Release was released on 18 June 2007 on Wichita Recordings. Hustler, Tits and Acid, I Believe, Hot Dog and lead single It’s the Beat all became dancefloor classics. This was followed up with Temporary Pleasure in 2009 which was a much more dancefloor orientated album with heavy techno overtones such as Synthesize and 10,000 Horses Can’t Be Wrong (most likely a reference to the ketamine craze sweeping the UK’s club scene at the time.)

The sophomore effort also featured guest vocalists such as Beth Ditto, Gruff Rhyes and Alexis Taylor. “I think that we just wanted a bit of change of pace and to produce longer club tracks. Most of the stuff on Temporary Pleasure started off as long club tracks but contracted to go with the vocals.”

AIR, The Klaxons, CSS, Kid Sister and Kanye West.

In a way, their strongest asset is their striking live shows, complete with a stack of synths in the middle of the stage and some stellar light work. Videos for both Synthesize and 10,000 Horses Can’t Be Wrong were made by Kate Moross and Alex Sushon.

Speaking about their light show, James Ford has said, “We’ve been slowly bolting things onto it as we go round, adding extra bits. A lot of people have said you should have a sound guy rather than a lighting guy, but for us it’s definitely more important to have that kind of dynamic.”

“Right from the very start, it has always been a really critical part of the show, up to the point that we’ve been in situations where if they’ve been like, ‘We can’t give you power’, we can’t do the show. Physically we can do it – we can plug our gear in and do it. But it’s kind of selling the audience short. It’s just a bit shit without them.

“We DJ at rock clubs and techno clubs, and always try to play music that the audi-

“people say you should have a sound guy rather than a lighting guy, but for us it’s definitely more important to have that dynamic.”

Delicacies was released in 2010, and marks a new chapter in Simian Mobile Disco’s catalogue - it is a true techno album.

The first two tracks are titled Aspic’and Nerve Salad. Every track takes the name of an exotic, and often bizarre, delicacy from around the world. Also the duo have started their new NYC night Delicatessen in March, but continue to tour. But Simian Mobile Disco are as celebrated for remixes as they are for their own singles, and collaborations have included French duo

ence won’t expect.”

Simian Mobile Disco seem to walk a fine line of making the ground-breaking music they want to make, but still filling dancefloors and having hit singles.“We’ve had people come up and ask us to play the Stone Roses. But fuck pandering to the audience. We told them to fuck off and go home and we’ve lost quite a few regular gigs because we’ve told people to piss off.”

Let’s just hope patrons keep any such requests to themselves at this year’s Ball.

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The Rubberbandits

Bad Boys Boat Club

Cathal wogan considers the phenomenon that is Limerick’s Rubberbandits.

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o this is it. This is how latecapitalist society, devoid of competent new cultural images, has responded to itself.

Limerick’s most famous residents since the woman who won the Euromillions a few years ago have captured the imaginations of those with a sense of humour through sociocultural pastiche and slick beats. Social order is crumbling. What is going on?

On the surface of things, it all seems simple. The Rubberbandits are a couple of lads from Limerick who wear plastic shopping bags over their faces. Blind Boy Boat Club and Mr. Chrome they call themselves. They’re like Irish hip-hop’s comedy version of Pet Shop Boys, Blind Boy doing Neil Tennant’s job at the front with Mr. Chrome standing slightly behind him playing the Chris Lowe role.

It’s all about rhyming jokes on top of increasingly well produced hip-hop and pop beats.

These guys are on television and YouTube, and nearly pipped the handsome geezer from X-Factor for the Christmas number one with Horse Outside. But this big “joke” has had an impact. Everybody knows The Rubberbandits and everybody likes The Rubberbandits. Or, nearly everybody likes them. Marty Whelan might not.

“Marty Whelan has a problem with us for saying he’s in the IRA, but if he’s ashamed of being in the IRA then he shouldn’t be in the fucking IRA.” There has been controversy. The Rubberbandits have not been afraid to step on toes for the purpose of their craft, for their comedy. Rewriting Irish history with their track Up da Ra, Blind Boy’s lyrical swipe at armchair Irish nationalism, the boys name and shame Marty Whelan, George Lucas, Dr. Dre, Kofi Annan and themselves among others as members of

the IRA in order to undermine the shoddy ideological frameworks subscribed to by the lampooned republicans.

Unfortunately, the Winning Streak presenter didn’t get the joke. He isn’t alone, mind you. Back in December there was a bit of a kerfuffle on the airwaves when Joe Duffy’s Liveline was the scene of an hour of amusing debate about the video for Horse Outside.

“It’s a joke,” says Anthony, a regressive sort of Irish conservative character who can make head nor tail of the humour involved, the type of fellow who loves Joe Duffy. He goes on to add, “it’s a joke, an absolute joke!”

“I’ve listened to Anthony there,” interjects Willie O’Dea, Limerick TD, former Minister for Defence and vocal fan of his Limerick brethren. “I don’t doubt his sincerity, but as was said in the intro there, they’re a comedy duo, and it’s meant to be funny and it is funny.”

“Ah Willie now, in fairness. It’s a joke.”

Needless to say, this was all going viral while the show was still on air. For the

thony though.

“Somebody needs to give that man a dictionary and he needs to look up the word ‘irony.’” Blind Boy joins the Liveline party. There is a long silence.

“Absolute joke.” Anthony sticks by his assertion, only to be trumped.

“Exactly, it is an absolute joke! You put it well there yourself.” Because it is a joke, and everybody knows it, except Marty Whelan and Anthony. But it isn’t just a joke at this point. Nobody watched Horse Outside, laughed, and then walked away without humming it for a few days.

The track is made from what could for all the world be a jumped-up Republic of Loose musical number with an infectious synthesized organ hook. As they mature, the comedy is being matched by their musical development. That trend is continued with their new single, I Wanna Fight Your Father, a love song over a buttery smooth Limerick G-Funk beat tinged with just a little bit of Bill Withers style bitter romance.

Those who have attended recent live shows will attest that this is no longer just comedy. Back in December, the boys packed out The Button Factory and every song inspired a heaving crowd to bay for another chorus. The energy has always been there, but their craft is blossoming.

Crowds don’t laugh.

Instead they bounce with the bass and sing along with Blind Boy’s increasingly accomplished MC skills. Where the boys will go now is difficult to tell. They are at a creative crossroads where they are no longer a comedy act that does music, but a genuine music group who happen to be extremely funny. Limerick’s favourite sons, The Rubberbandits are taking Irish comedy hip hop to a whole new level.

That’s a really strange sentence to write.

“Somebody needs to give that man a dictionary and he needs to look up the word ‘irony.’” Blind Boy joins the Liveline party. There is a long silence.” first time ever, people under thirty who weren’t waiting in a barbershop were actually listening to Liveline. The interview was trending on Twitter by the time Anthony told Willie O’Dea that he didn’t get it. But Willie does get it. The Rubberbandits’ Song for Willie O’Dea is one of their most popular tracks and the moustachesporting Fianna Fáil man is more than happy to hear it every now and again, even if the lyrics portray him as a drug peddling dandy who swears on his ‘tash that what he’s selling is top notch hash.

Of all the people in the world, Willie gets it. It still needed to be spelled out to An-

Glasser

Heart of Glass

Gheorghe Rusu talks to Cameron Mesirow, aka Glasser, about her icy, dreamy music

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A-born, NY-based 27-year-old Cameron Mesirow, like her music, is at once inviting and alarming. Her songs and the mind that wrote them is a catacomb of impenetrable mystery and welcoming warmth, frilled with texture and substance and an undeniable pop instinct.

She has been compared to off-kilter vocalists like Bjork and The Knife’s Karin Dreijer Andersson (recording solo under Fever Ray), both loved for their unconventional stylistic approach to music and fashion.

Not that she’s unflattered by the likeness, but she is surprised it keeps popping up.

I suppose it doesn’t help that she enlisted Fever Ray producers Van Rivers and The Subliminal Kid to help out on her 2010 debut, Ring.

“I met Fever Ray when they came through New York in 2009, and we had just decided then and there that we would try to do something together. This was right before I went into the studio, and they came on tour with me when I opened for

spawned some minor hits in the early 80s.

Mesirow explains that HSR disbanded “before I was born, so it’s not like everyone in my house was performing all the time” but says that it was still “a really big influence, because it was just an outside, avantgarde kind of thing”.

So how exactly does someone with no interest in playing instruments write music? Much like London’s Burial recorded his acclaimed album Untrue with nothing more than the basic editor SoundForge, Mesirow wrote her songs using Apple’s GarageBand, singing on top of drumloops and samples.

Though a fan of Joni Mitchell, whose influence can be easily identified in her own work, Mesirow does not admit to many musical influences, instead drawing inspiration from visual and other sources.

“The internet, visually and generally”, she says, adding, “because of it being a fast and plentiful experience. Movies that I liked as a child or an adult.” Dreams are another subject she is intrigued by – the name

“People are surprised to see the sounds in the flesh, because they have such a dreamscape feel to them...”

The XX in the UK. I was playing shows at that point, and they came to a performance of mine where I played an organ I built with my friend [a two-person-manned invention dubbed ‘The Auerglass,’ a play on Tauba Auerbach, with whom she built it, and Hourglass, the name of the project it was built for].”

Building an instrument, let alone an organ, is in itself no mean feat, but it’s all the more impressive when you learn that Cameron has never received classical training in any musical field. She has dabbled though.

“My neighbour gave me piano lessons from five through seven, and when I was about eleven I learned to play guitar for a bit, but nothing ever stuck. I had phases in my life of trying to play instruments and never followed through.”

This comes despite the fact that she comes from a family of performers: her father is a member of the Blue Man Group band, and her mother played with Human Sexual Response, a New Wave act who

of those songs people think are related to Fever Ray are actually ones I did with him.” Rechtshaid, a close friend of Mesirow’s, is a full-time record producer and plays bass in Foreign Born, as well as on this album. He has worked with, among others, We Are Scientists, folk-rocker Cass McCombs and the Plain White T’s (whose massively successful Hey There Delilah he produced). “A real pop whiz,” she calls him.

Given the sonic complexity of the densely layered Ring, as well as the vague, introspective nature of the song-writing, it’s worth asking how it can even translate into a live performance.

“It’s been difficult. It’s constantly evolving, but what I have now is a MIDI band, meaning we can use the sounds from the record.” Her three-man backup band consists of a synth, electronic drums and a guitar modified to emanate sounds as diverse as sax, tuba, and organ, all running through a laptop.

“What most people say when they see me live is how surprised they are to see the sounds in the flesh, because they have such a dreamscape feel to them: to have a record about elusive visions or imagery, to see it in a concrete form on stage, to be able to see the person behind the ideas.”

“...to see it in a concrete form on stage, to be able to see the person behind the ideas.”

Glasser came to her in her sleep. “A lot of the record has to do with dreams, actually, but not specific events. It’s more about the idea of how dreams are usually about moods or emotions and how, often, you can change your opinion about what happened, like when you think about a scary dream in the light of day you can laugh about the circumstances.”

Those GarageBand demos garnered attention and she was eventually signed to New York’s True Panther label, home of Girls and Delorean. Here, she reworked her songs in the studio to form Ring.

This is where the soundalike allusions to Fever Ray become a bit questionable: “[Van Rivers and The Subliminal Kid] only produced two of the tracks. Ariel Rechtshaid did the other two thirds, and all

Her live show is, in a word, mesmerising. Having read glowing accolades of her showmanship and eccentricity, I was a bit surprised to see her for the interview in the relatively plain setup of a black skirt, blouse and tan suede coat. Later, performing to a packed Crawdaddy, she delivered, coming out donning an angular, French Revolution dress meeting a kimono, and what can only be described as postmodern Mickey Mouse ears, like an indie Lady Gaga. Her movements on stage, stoned and trance-like, complimented her sound perfectly, and her voice was intimidatingly sharp, note for note, from drone to zig-zagging falsetto. Clearly a gifted peformer and songwriter, she is hard proof that musical training and practice have less of an overlap than we think.

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Do it like a dude Karl McDonald considers the saviour of pure UK pop

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hey say that talent will out, but it doesn’t hurt to have some friends in high places either. Jessie J has celebrity endorsement in droves.

She was initially discovered off YouTube by Chris Brown’s manager, who booked her to support him on some live dates. Justin Timberlake considers her the best singer in the world at the moment. Nicki Minaj is “obsessed.” All of this is on top of victory in the BBC’s influential Sounds of 2011 poll and a Critic’s Choice Award at the Brits. It’s a lot, and it all came in a very short space of time.

“It’s like, I’m 22 and I’m from Essex, this is really odd!” she told Time Out London.

Jessie has a storied past, having attended the specialised performance training school funded by the BRIT awards, where her fellow alumni include Amy Winehouse, Adele, Kate Nash and Leona Lewis. She joined a girl group, signed to the now-defunct Gut Records only to have her album canned due to the label’s financial difficulties, and even suffered a minor stroke at the age of eighteen. Four years later, things could scarcely be going better for her.

“You don’t go to pop star school to learn how to be a pop star, or how to be papped, or what to do when a fan attacks you... you just have to get on with it.”

It doesn’t seem to have been that difficult for her, with her debut single Do It Like A Dude reaching number two in the UK charts, and its follow-up, Price Tag, featuring B.o.B of Airplanes fame, went one better, entering at the number one slot. In many ways, Jessie J is the perfect pop star. She was a songwriter before anyone came knocking on her door to turn her into a star. She has writ-

er’s credits for plenty of A-listers, including huge hit Party In The USA for Miley Cyrus. The first song she ever wrote, Big White Room, became a YouTube sensation and contributed to her breaking the

ceiling from talented singer to legitimate prospect.

“It took me a long time to call myself a songwriter and I had to quickly learn when I wrote a song that it wasn’t always for me or something that suited me. Giving songs away is so much fun, seeing artists put their own spin on it. I always wanted to be an artist, being a songwriter for myself was always a must but being a songwriter for others has been a bonus,” she said in a recent interview.

Her image is distinctive, seeming to draw pieces of influence from a wide variety of the big hitters. Her biggest fan Nicki Minaj is an obvious one, and the dose of the surreal Lady Gaga re-injected into the pop scene seems to have had an effect on Jessie too. Then there’s the stomp ‘n’ crash of someone like Pink. The arresting visual imagery is just one part of her charm though, and on her debut album Who Am I? she aimed to make more than throwaway pop.

“I never wanted to write music that just comes and goes. I wanted to write music with longevity, I wanted to write therapy music. I hope I’ve achieved that. My mum and dad brought me up too well to be like ‘I’m in the club, I got my girls,’” she said in an interview with Milky Tea Kid. It’s impossible to tell, as she’s just hitting the crest of the wave, whether or not longevity will turn out to be one of Jessie J’s attributes, but it’s certain that she has her ducks in a row at the moment. It’s not often that a “pop diva” can claim a quadruple platinum single (Party In The USA) before her debut album is even released, but if they can, it’s hard to see the limit.

“I never wanted to write music that just comes and goes. I wanted to write music with longevity.”

Jessie J

I wanna cut you with glass Karl McDonald gives the lowdown on Dublin’s resident synth-pop mentallers Fight Like Apes.

T

he first time I ever saw Fight Like Apes, they were something completely new. They were supporting The Apples In Stereo, a band on the cult Elephant Six label, in Whelans, and they made a type of racket I’d never seen before. They had no guitars, first of all, but they were using synths to make punk music, and not in the way those “angular” bands from the early 2000s did. And even though the venue was maybe halffull and not many people knew them yet, they got so into it that they kept bumping into each other, equipment got knocked over, and singer May-Kay even caused herself mild injury by falling over while rocking out.

From there, it got bigger and better. People started to listen to their EPs, with songs like Lend Me Your Face and Do You Karate? getting lodged in people’s consciousness with shout-along bits and vaguely vulgar, surreal lyrics about cutting faces and incendiary cigarettes. After seeing a nigh-on explosive performance at Hard Working Class Heroes, I even went home and started a blog named after a line from Jake Summers.

They released their debut album, Fight Like Apes and the Mystery of the Golden Medallion, in 2008, after spending a month in Seattle with John Goodmanson, the man responsible for records by Sleater-Kinney, Bikini Kill, Blood Brothers, Death Cab For Cutie, Los Campesinos! and even, bizarrely, the mixing on a Wu-Tang Clan album. The album saw the rougher edges knocked off a little, and a more pure pop-punk sound emerged, led by the debut single Something Global. Critically, it split opinion in a fairly unprecedented way, splitting the normally consensus-driven Irish music press to the extent that it took four stars from The Irish Times and only

one from John Meagher in The Irish Independent.

But that was always the way thinks would turn out.

The songs are brash, soaked with weird, lost pop culture references to suplexes, California Dreams and Simple Kid. But they are driven by melody, and if they have one thing apart from the nebulous concept of “attitude”, it’s energy. That’s an infectious quantity, obviously.

In the gap between the first album and its followup The Body Of Christ And The Legs Of Tina Turner in 2010, Fight Like Apes became one of the biggest bands in the country, saturating Phantom FM with a string of singles that came out on beautiful brightly coloured vinyl and filling gargantuan tents at the usual festivals. Their shows took on an element of myth, all crowd tee-peeing and saucepanbanging. “More and more people are getting hurt by us now,” May Kay told Entertainment.ie, which isn’t a bad way to put it.

The Body of Christ... is a darker album, but it retains the same level of randomly expressed internal frenzy that’s been there from the start. In terms of freshness, their gig in The Academy that featured professional wrestling (for some reason) can’t have hurt. More so than most, playing live is a natural thing for this band. “There is absolutely no point in playing a shit show, so don’t bother. We’ve always tried to keep to that,” they told Entertainment.ie las year, which sounds a lot like a guarantee.

Fight Like Apes

“There is absolutely no point in playing a shit show, so don’t bother. We’ve always tried to keep to that.”

57

Gimme some more Devlin

Chipmunk

Ryan Sheridan

Nationality: English Genre: Pop/Hip-Hop/Grime Key Tracks: Oopsy Daisy, Champion

Nationality: English Genre: Grime/Hip-Hop/Pop Key Tracks: Brainwashed, Runaway

Nationality: Irish Genre: Singer-Songwriter Key Tracks: Jigsaw, Machine

Starting in UK grime, Devlin’s debut album Bud. Sweat and Tears brings a new depth to his music. Comparisons have been drawn to Eminem and The Streets.

“I don’t mind the UK version of Eminem, because that geezer in his prime was possibly one of the best ever. I think any comparisons to Mike Skinner come from me being white and because I wear a Ralph Lauren shirt mate,” he told MTV UK.

Originally from Monaghan, Sheridan honed his craft on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, on the Glasgow scene and even busking on Grafton Street before scoring a surprise radio hit with Jigsaw last year. Having beaten 3,000 other acts to play at Benicassím in Spain, Sheridan’s live show showing the importance of performance to a man who once quit his job to play his music for pedestrians.

Alex Metric

Nationality: English Genre: Electro/House Key Tracks: It Starts, Head Straight

At the age of twenty, Chipmunk already has a UK number one single under his belt in the form of 2009’s Oopsy Daisy, and his latest track with Chris Brown, Champion, continues the trend of his broadly accessible pop raps, debuting at number two.

Championed by Westwood, Chipmunk also dabbles in the grime scene, winning the MP3 Music Award for Best Urban/ Garage/Grime with his jazzy, vamping track Diamond Rings. His second album Transition is due to drop on April 18th and should show a new maturity in the skilled rapper’s music. “My thing is, do what’s true to me. Don’t let the season effect what music you put out,” he said to AmaruDon.

Alex Metric made his name as a remixer, winning XFM’s remixer of the year award in 2008. Artists whose music he has taken on include Phoenix, Gorillaz, Bloc Party, La Roux and the Beastie Boys, but he brings the same approach to his own electro-house music. “I find doing remixes and working on my own material

quite similar because when I do a remix, I just treat them as one and I have to bring my own sound to it. Doing a remix, I use parts and do my own sound with it in a way I do what I want to do.” His own tracks, such as 2009’s It Starts, have garnered plenty of buzz online and in the real world since their release, but his ambition isn’t sated: ““I’m aiming high. I wanna do something that really changes stuff, really want it to cross over and reach as many people as possible,” he told UK Adapta.

Starsmith

Bitches With Wolves

The Minutes

Nationality: English Genre: Electronic/Pop Key Tracks: We Leave Tonight, I Kissed A Girl (Katy Perry remix)

Nationality: Irish Genre: Disco/Electronic/Pop Key Tracks: Broken Hearts, Tip of My Tongue

Nationality: Irish Genre: Rock Key Tracks: Secret History, Fleetwood

The classically-trained Starsmith is something of a renaissance man, producing and co-writing much of Ellie Goulding’s album Lights while also making his name as a remixer and DJ. His synthsoaked remixes sound like new tracks of his own, and his own material is likely to emulate the success of his collaborations.

Bitches With Wolves is frontman James O’Neill’s project, who presides over raucous electronic pop that incites glam riots.

“I dress similarly off stage. When out, I often wear cycling shorts and I’m certainly partial to a sequin jacket,” O’Neill told the Gutter Candy blog, implying that it’s more of a lifestyle than a performance.

The Minutes are a Dublin band who captured their garage-influenced set on record recently, assisted by producer Kevin MacMahon (Titus Andronicus, The Walkmen). Before the Ball, they’ll attend the music’s most hectic week of showcases at SXSW. Beyond that? “We just want to play shows. That’s all we want to do,” Shane Kinsella told Red River Noise.

W

ith her catchy electro-tinged pop songs and sincere lyrics, Jenna Toro is beginning to garner attention. After a crowd-pleasing performance at Oxygen last summer and her catchy single “Electric City” earning airplay, she is on the line up for the Trinity Ball and has her sights on breaking into Britain. But despite being only twenty, her musical career has been developing for years.

“I started piano at an early age” she says when asked about her music “and I was really just writing and singing for years until I was signed at seventeen”. After the record company came on board, her music progressed in surprising directions. “I really didn’t know how to get the sound that I wanted, I went from doing almost ‘folksy’ stuff to pop music, then onto synthpop”. This learning curve has resulted in Toro’s current genre-bending approach to her songs, a genre she identifies as “electroacoustic-pop”.

Katy B

Jenna Toro

“We’re using real instruments,” she explains “so the acoustic part is there in the guitars and piano, but we’re bringing in synthesizers and electronic instruments to really make electro beats combine with a more acoustic sound”. This diverse approach also extends to her lyrics. “I really try to emulate the importance of lyrics with my music. A lot are quite autobiographical but in the last few years they have gotten more abstract”.

However Toro also likes to include the occasional cover song in her set, with past Nationality: English Genre: Pop/Dubstep Key Tracks: Katy On A Mission, Lights On (feat. Miss Dynamite) After graduating from the same performance school as Amy Winehouse, Jessie J and Kate Nash, Kathleen O’Brien began lending her vocals to British underground electronic acts and eventually turned down major label interest to sign with Rinse, a label that started out life as a pirate radio station. On her debut album On A Mission, she collaborated with urban scene heavy hitters like Miss Dynamite and Magnetic Man, with the latter’s Benga providing the instrumental for her

T

he Kanyu Tree really is pop. That much is true. Here’s the thing though: it’s kind of awesome pop.

It’s well orchestrated, intelligent and dare I say, kind of funky. When I asked Oisin, one of the three brothers, to compare his music to another artist he was pretty quick, “Prince, the Police and maybe, the Beach Boys.” There it is then. The gauntlet of legendary pop music has officially been laid.

Kanyu Tree definitely has the musical chops to pull off whatever artistic goal they set. Each brother has played in multiple bands, separate from one another, for a while and it was only four or five years ago, according to Oisin, that they started playing together.

Oisin modestly calls their playing together “messin’ around” but it’s far more than that. Kanyu Tree has tight vocal harmonies backed up by some really upbeat, if uncomplicated, instrumentals. The harmonizing is probably Kanyu Tree’s ace in the hole actually. It’s just not something that modern music fans are really expect-

The Kanyu Tree

ing any more and when we do get harmonies, more often than not they come across as corny or sickly sweet. In the case of the three brothers from Galway though, the harmonies are actually productive. They actually add to the music, instead of making audiences cringe or smile indulgently.

It’s probably because, as Oisin says, “they always used to harmonize” when they first started learning music. They are brothers after all.

As I excavate more information about these three Galway brothers. I found out that their debut album, which is not out yet, was partially produced by Ali Shaheed

gigs including “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and “You’ve Got The Love”. “ I had always loved the Nirvana track and the other cover came when I saw the film Layer Cake she says. “I love that scene where Sienna Miller is dancing in the nightclub to You’ve Got The Love and I wanted to sample that synth, and then Florence covered it and it got big again”.

But unlike other acts, Toro is no stranger to the Ball herself, having attended the last three years. “I love the ball, it’s always great fun” she says before recounting a typical Ball-mishap story that illustrated the drawbacks of attending sober. However she’s looking forward to this year “I’m really excited about seeing Glasser and Bitches With Wolves. But I’m also looking forward to just playing, we have a load of new songs and a special cover song that I’m about to start work on that hopefully everyone will like”. Sounds like ‘electroacoustic-pop’ could catch on.

Alex Towers pop-dubstep anthem Katy On A Mission.

Professor Green professed his fandom in this magazine: “As for Katy B, she killed it at the end of 2010 with Katy On A Mission and 2011 is shaping up nicely for her.” The album’s two singles both broke the top five of the charts, and the combination of her effortless, beautiful voice with tracks that most pop singers never even come into contact with make her a unique and exciting propsect. “I don’t feel like I have to box myself into being “funky” or “dubstep” or whatever. What I love is anyone can come from anywhere, if someone’s got the sickest tune, it transcends all that other stuff,” she told the Guardian. So if you like your pop with dub drops, make sure to see Katy.

Muhammed – the man behind the turntables behind A Tribe Called Quest (a group most well-known for “Can I kick it”).

The most successful breakthrough that Kanyu Tree has had in recent weeks is the remix of their song “People Street” by Irish electronic darling Jape. The remix has bounced around the Internet for a while now and has driven some well- deserved attention back to Kanyu Tree. Only a few weeks ago, the three brothers played a sold-out crowd at the Academy in support of Example. Never fear though, the fame has not got to their heads yet. Before I could even ask my final, self- serving “are you excited to play the Ball?” question, Oisin had cut me off. Turns out that yes, they are very, very excited to play Trinity Ball.

That’s Kanyu Tree then. An up and coming, clever-pop band from Galway, who aspired to be like the Beach Boys and had their first album was produced by an American rap legend. Confusing? Definitely. Intriguing? Certainly. Entertaining? I hope so.

Stuart Winchester 59

Balling “Well this is going well”, you think as you score the person of your dreams whilst listening to a great band, “and she seems keen to go further”. “But I don’t want to leave this epic event for a single night of passionate, no strings attached, 100 degree hot, jungle monkey action - isn’t there anywhere in college where we could nip for a quickie?”. There certainly is! Here are three of the best spots for a mid-ball bonk.

Round the back of the Buttery This fantastic hidden gem comes recommended by a liberal lover from San Francisco, so you know it’s good!

Port-a-loos

Under the Berkeley

An absolute classic and a must for those who don’t mind getting down and dirty in somewhere which is, well, fairly dirty in itself.

Libraries are places for learning, academia and broadening horizons; but they’re also cracking places for a quickie.

How to get there:

How to get there:

There will be several banks of port-aloos spread across the site, so it’s a case of picking one where the queues are shortest, but the bass and reverb from the tents are loud enough to mask and naughty noises from within.

Imagine you are walking out of the Berkeley main entrance, walk directly ahead leaving the orb sculpture behind you and down the steps towards the Players Theatre etc. When you reach the bottom of the steps, hang a right and follow the wall round until you reach two glass windows, go round the back of these and voilà, you have two, reasonably secluded (imagine it’s dark) sides of a square.

Suggested positions:

Suitable positions:

Pros:

The sky really is the limit here. That said, given that we’re in Dublin and the ground is likely to be damp and certain to be cold, why not try “the koala bear” (he stands, she wraps her legs around his waist both using the wall for support), “standing-doggie” or even (depending on flexibility) “the wheelbarrow”.

Superbly secluded. Out of the rain.

Suitable positions: It’s going to be cramped in there so horizontal positions are out. Similarly standing positions where the wall is used for support could cause imbalance resulting in the port-a-loo toppling over: never good. Instead, sitting down manoeuvres such as “the cliff hanger” (she sits on his lap, with her feet curled around his torso and rests her legs behind him) or the fairly self-explanatory “squat manoeuvre” are your best bets.

Pros: Relatively private once inside. Convenient mirror for readjusting post-coital make-up/hair.

Cons: Unless you visit at the beginning of the night it’s going to be pretty smelly. Embarrassment of exiting the lav together in front of a queue of onlookers.

How to get there: If you are standing at the ATM machine look left. Hop over the quite doable fence, follow the metal stairs down into the underground corridor and the rest, as they say, is up to you!

Anything goes in this hauntingly sexy cavern and given it’s seclusion from the weather and prying eyes why not take it slow? You could try the “reverse cowgirl” (he lies on his back, she sits on top facing away) or even, if you’re feeling Kama Sutric, “the spider” (both sitting towards each other, using hands and forearms for support).

Cons: Very dark so finding your way around might be tricky. Hopping the fence whilst inebriated could be problematic.

Pros: Open space allows means near endless possibilities. No need to queue.

Cons: Even though it will be dark and you will be secluded away from the mainstay of the ball, there’s no guarantee that someone won’t happen across you – it’s a case of “you pays your money, you takes your chances”.

Josh Roberts

How to…

gatecrash the ball

by Keith Grehan

I

“Who is going to question the man carrying a box of oranges?”

n these dire economic times, we all have to do without our luxuries. However, missing the Trinity Ball is tantamount to social suicide, an absentee having to endure an entire year of booze-fuelled gossip. Can you stand not knowing who embarrassed themselves, repeatedly, at the afterparty?

Who was caught trousers down at the back of the Museum Building? Or my personal favourite memory, the bloke who passed out in the flow path of the portaloos?

Fear not, where there’s a will there’s a way. Every year a motley crew of students and pikeys manage to gatecrash the ball. There are many possible entry routes, ranging from the inspired to the downright dangerous.

Security is tight, with only two heavily policed entrances and an artist’s entrance at Lincoln Gate. As well as campus security, you need to contend with goons hired for the night as well as members of the Gardaí.

The first rule of gate-crashing the ball is, whatever you do, do not have anything questionable on your person. If caught you will be most likely searched. Being thrown out is a calculated risk, but having something you shouldn’t have is just stupid. The second rule is confidence. In nine out of ten cases, if questioned, a calm, sensible answer will get you out of trouble.

The third rule is, if caught, don’t run. Security will catch you eventually, except now they’ll be pissed off.

The most tried and least successful method of entry is hiding in the grounds. This is foolish. A team of hired students and security search the entire campus after lockdown at 6pm. If caught hiding you can resort to bribery, but you’ll probably be found later on by another search team and the idea of gate-crashing is to save money. Also, you’ll

have to hide for hours. You will get bored, and you will need to pee.

On top of this, trying to make it out of your hiding place unseen is near impossible. Recall the urban legend of the guy who hid in the tree by the GMB all day and had to be carried down due to severe cramping/dehydration/hypothermia. Another method is jumping the wall. This is stupid. The walls in Trinity are incredibly high, with spiky railings. There’s CCTV everywhere and even if you do make it over without breaking a leg, you’ll be in no man’s land surrounded by security fencing. Not a wise move.

Believe it or not, the most successful method of entry is by just walking by security with impunity. This has the added bonus of letting the freeloader feel cheeky and badass. How does one walk by though? You can just wait for a surge in the crowd at the ticket check and try and get by without showing a ticket. Alternatively find a fluorescent jacket/overalls/ pizza delivery uniform and just walk in. Act confident and, if questioned, act stressed and impatient. Who’s going to question the man carrying a box of oranges?

A less legally questionable method of entry is blagging. A good friend got in last year by emailing every act playing with a list of reasons why they should give him a spot on their guestlist. This culminated with guestlist passes and a French DJ pre-drinking with him in his apartment. Win-win.

Otherwise consider befriending/sleeping with execs/ENTS goons/CSC hacks. If you get away with it you get a free night and a great story, if you don’t you can always buy a ticket off the legions of touts outside. If all else fails, feigning complete and utter stupidity has gotten me out of a lot of tight corners.

61

Das Capo

ON the outside looking in

H

e begins: ‘The other day, I was walking past the library and I overheard a boorish American couple (tourists, obviously) standing in front of the bronze sculpture there ask “Is this one of Arthur Pomodoro’s Sfera con Sfera series?”’

I take a sip of tea as another fellow continues to explain that Pomodoro’s sculptures were intended as monuments to the Christian faith, the outer sphere representing Christianity and the inner sphere representing the Earth.

Then a lady shares with me an anecdote about an amusing experience she had at last year’s Trinity Ball which I don’t personally enjoy.

What I just did there was I described five minutes I spent on the internet referring to its multifarious denizens directly in the third person - the first extracted from the “Overheard At Trinity College Dublin” Facebook page with the culturally-admissible chauvinism and banality removed and replaced by an authentic reference to art, unfortunately at the expense of the mention of the Trinity Ball itself; the second paraphrased from a piece on Wikipedia still awaiting citation and the third from the Trinity Ball 2011 Facebook page, upon which people are invited to post a hilarious story or outrageous photograph from last year’s event, the most extreme of which (by either measure) being rewarded with a free ticket to April’s festivities.

With the buzz surrounding this year’s Ball reaching a “fever pitch” of sorts, this is a prize I would actually like to win. Unfortunately, my only experience of the Trinity Ball came in 2008, as a first year, and I didn’t do anything particularly outrageous or hilarious, other than claim Mark Ronson’s scarf, which had been thrown into the audience at his performance (which was, I recall with critical fidelity, all right), from two stronger men who were fighting over it after a security guard broke up their tug-of-war and gave it to me in such a manner as to suggest that I had snitched on them or something, which I categorically hadn’t.

And as lovely and unique an event as the Trinity Ball is, it remains a financially-imposed chimaera for many students, myself included. With tickets costing in the region of €80 (a month’s travel on Dublin Bus or the yearly cost per student for the planned new Student Centre or forty cans of lager in the Pav or eighty euro’s worth of anything), the simple fact of the matter is that this is a private party – oh yes, the Trinity Ball is actually billed as a private party – so I suppose they can charge whatever they want for tickets.

Perhaps we can content ourselves with observing the Sfera con Sfera outside the library for the time being.

Oisín Murphy

Fi n d u s o n l i n e a t w w w.t h e s u i t a n d t u x wa re h o u s e . i e , o r o n t w i t t e r @ S u i t Tu x W h o u s e

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