3
Marriage Market: Earning that MRS
The TriniBonian talks to several ladies looking for love financial stability
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The Gift That Keeps on Giving: Hangover days
TU gives students recovery days after heavy nights of drinking--morale skyrockets
Star-crossed Lovers: ICC and Life Greek
The course of true love never did run smooth for these groups
theTrinitonian Volume 111, Issue 25
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www.trinitonian.com
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Serving Trinity University Since 1902
• April 25, 2014
Trinity adds slew of services, including campus taxi
“Hertz” cars on campus so that someone will use them. After President Alicante and First Lady Michelle Obama’s afternoon tea last Friday, the school, not the presidential, administration
has decided to take action and move the mail center to Prassel Garage. Many students view this as a great move. “I hated having to leave my room in Prassel or having to
leave tennis practice to go ALL THE WAY back to Coates Center just to pick up my latest comic book,” said a Trinity student. A professor who wished to remain anonymous noted that
putting the mail center in the middle of campus, a location convenient for everyone, did not make sense since “we have student workers that we pay to do work and we want to get the most value out of them by making them run all the way to the Prassel Garage to pick up my Keurig refills.” The last change that will go into effect in the next few weeks is named the Parenta-Thon. As the name implies, it has a connection with the word parents but also the phone-a-thon. Currently, phone-a-thon only handles begging alumni and parents of students for donations, but the new program will spin off a new department that handles phone calls from parents. Any student subscribed to the service can forward their calls to the Parent-aThon office, where a student getting paid minimum wage will answer the phone. These highly-trained operators will listen and say a vaguely affirmative phrase like “yes” or “uh-huh” at the appropriate times so that you don’t have to take five minutes out of your busy schedule. They are even qualified to say “I love you” for an extra nominal fee.
months into the semester, and then you’ve got the other group who practically never uses any of their Bonus Bucks. It seems like there’s no in-between at this school.” Several students approve of the new policy. “I always tended to eat off campus anyway because there’s no way I would eat the food here every day of the week. Have you seen those pictures on Overheard? It’s like I’m announcing I have a death wish if I order chicken,” said junior Ima Whiner. “This new policy gives me a way to get back some of that money I’ve been spending at Whataburger every week.” Other students also said they eat off-campus frequently and never use all of their Bonus Bucks. “I love eating out,” said Tina Taco. “I honestly can’t even remember what the inside of Mabee looks like and I really don’t care. I’m all about those drive-thrus and those night cops that patrol inside Whataburger and stuff.”
According to Jurgens Sochi, dean of students and vice president for student affairs, Trinity has enough funds already, so allowing students to redeem their Bonus Bucks in cash will have no impact on the university’s finances. “We felt bad letting students’ money go to waste, so we felt like this was a proper response,” Sochi said. “I was behind one student in line at Coates during lunch yesterday, and he still had 1,200 Bonus Bucks left. Unless he buys out the POD, I don’t see how he will be able to spend all of that within this last month. I think this will benefit everyone overall.” Other students are criticizing students who still have an extremely high number of Bonus Bucks left on their cards. “I think it’s despicable,” said Jeremy Moneywaster. “I spent all of my Bonus Bucks in the first two months of the semester and I can’t believe the school is letting people cash in their Bonus Bucks. That’s such crap.” Whiner responded to comments by Moneywaster and
said that what she does with her money is none of his business. “If he cannot be responsible with his money, then that’s not my problem,” Whiner said. “I, for one, am ecstatic that the school is giving us this opportunity. I feel like the administration is finally listening to us.” Some members of DOPE (Dat Organic Provisions Entourage) say that food should be donated to the homeless population of
San Antonio or to schoolchildren that do not have enough to eat. “I know that a lot of students attend school each day and don’t know where their next meal will come from,” said Chunka Change. “I think we need to think of others first before we go and get cash back for our Bonus Bucks.” The debate still rages as plans to cash back Bonus Bucks is still set in motion for the foreseeable future.
New campus initiatives help students travel, take parent phone calls by Don “EZ” Lemondia NEWS REPORTER Trinity University is all about improving the lives of its students. The administration is implementing a few new programs to help make the lives of both the students and staff better. We at the paper obtained secret documents detailing these changes. Read on to see the exclusive list of additions. In addition to the taxi service that allows parents to load money into a special debit card for their alcoholic children to use, Trinity is now creating a service where parents can load money into a different debit card that their children can use to redeem a ride from lower campus to upper campus or vice versa. The administration has yet to decide what vehicles should be used. More golf carts would be needed if those were used. They are leaning toward using the
photo by Papa-papa-rat-Z Trinity student enters a makeshift Taxi outside of Northrup Hall to be transported to lower campus because she has “no” time to walk.
Campus dish now reimburses students for bonus bucks
Students switch to ramen, exchange bonus bucks for spending money by Anita Dolla NEWS REPORTER With the end of the school year quickly approaching, many students find themselves with an abundance of Bonus Bucks left on their meal plan. To help out these students, Trinity has announced a new policy that will allow students to cash in their Bonus Bucks. Beginning on the first reading days, students may go to Mabee and ask to receive their remaining balance of Bonus Bucks in cash. “We recognize that the majority of our students don’t know how to properly budget their money,” said Walter Heisenberg, assistant professor of economics. “You’ve got some of them who are out of Bonus Bucks two
photo by Godda Puup Students receive cash money for left over Bonus Bucks at the end of the semester.
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theTriniBonian APRIL.25. 2014
Its going
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TUPD super-brief Briefs April 12 - 25 Location: McLeanOnMe Hall Date: 04-14-14 Time Occurred: 8:21 a.m. Classification: Fire Alarm
Location: Breeze Hall Date: 04-18-14 Time Occurred: 2:27 p.m. Classification: More than a little underage drinking Location: McLeanOnMe Hall Date: 04-19-14 Time Occurred: 3:49 a.m. Classification: Fire Alarm
Location: The Murchindaughter Study Lounge Date: 04-18-14 Time Occurred: 2:27 a.m. Classification: CS student caught livestreaming and d pornographic materials Location: Calversate Hall Date: 04-03-14 Time Occurred: 11:50 p.m. Classification: Consumption of all the drugs
Location: Thomson Hall Date: 04-03-14 Time Occurred: 11:50 p.m. Classification: Zoo found on fourth floor Location: Center for Silences and Innovation Date: 04-18-14 Time Occurred: 11:50 p.m. Classification: Student trapped on the balcony
Location: Entire Campus Date: 04-20-14 Time Occurred: 11:00 a.m. Classification: 17 pounds of marijuana confiscated from over 200 students
Location: All residence halls Date: 04-20-14 Time Occurred: 12:00 p.m. Classification: Over a dozen dorm fire alarms went off Location: Prasmall Hall Date: 04-23-14 Time Occurred: 11:50 p.m. Classification: Student found trapped in elevator
Information for these briefs was NOT provided by the Trinity University Police Department.
compiled by Faith-no-more Hoozer
The Things-We-Do-BESIDES-Study-for-Finals Wordsearch Word Bank call anyone call distant relatives call your mom contemplate life day drink eat everything in sight exercise go to fiesta netflix hbo go hulu make frivolous plans make new spotify channels night drink online shopping read for fun sex sleep ungodly amounts spend all the bonus bucks anything else Made using puzzle-maker.com, no spaces between words in phrases
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theTriniBonian APRIL.25. 2014
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Trinity introduces MRS degree plan, gains popularity amongst study body Trinity brings in new interdisciplinary MRS major designed for female students
by Mia Bridesmaidson DOWN This May, commencement has taken a backseat to the true social event of the season: marriage proposals. Statistics reveal that Trinity female undergraduates are more likely than ever before to become engaged, with evidence suggesting that an MRS degree is now more valuable than any major available. “If you are not engaged by now, it is unlikely that you will be by graduation,” said senior Marsha Ringchaser. “I honestly don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t engaged.” Many are calling the saying “ring by spring” a truism and acknowledge that rising unemployment rates have made them realize the worth of an MRS. Others are saying that despite their smarts, they
don’t want to face the harsh realities of a discriminating workplace. “It’s not that I’m not smart enough to be an engineer or a chemist,” says Veronica Bridalman. “I just know that I won’t get paid the same as a man, so what’s the point in trying? I’ll be better off economically if I just get married.” Others have turned to the words of conservative activist Phyllis Schlafly, who claims that women paid the same as men won’t find husbands. “If I do end up receiving equal pay, I’ll be left all alone. I’ll be sitting in my apartment eating ice cream by myself because I’ll have no one to share it with,” says Rachel Caketopper. “I’ve been engaged three months and I always have someone to eat Rocky Road with.” Some female undergraduates are having difficulty locating a wedding venue, since so many female Trinity students have accepted proposals. Churches, chapels, hotels and even outdoor venues, such as fields and overlooks, are in high demand.
photo by Trophy Da’Wifeyw, MRS Trinity ladies, from first years (far left) to seniors (far right), show off their new bling, comparing engagment ring sizes and proposal stories. Some have even gone as far as adjusting their class schedule to optimize certain times for wedding planning and dress fittings.
“I just don’t know what to do,” says Debbie Dowry. “My boyfriend waited too long to propose and now Parker
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Chapel is completely booked! I’ll be stuck slumming it in some non-denominational progressive worship center.” Ringchaser acknowledged that the prospects have been thin in recent years and said that she was glad she found her fiancé when she did. “It’s like people are coming to universities because they want an education, not because they want to find a life partner,” Ringchaser said. “I knew from NSO that I wanted a husband. People may say I’m spoiled, but I know what the realities are.” Caketopper said that single females should not lose hope and to continue looking. “I would really just look at your life and reflect. You could wait, and end up marrying a Lyle Lovett or an Iggy Pop,” Caketopper said. “Or you could get married now and snatch up all those Ryan Goslings.” Dowry also said that girls should remain optimistic, but that they should not be afraid to change their lifestyle a little bit. “Trinity is a great place to meet men, but you have
to know what you’re doing,” Dowry said. “Stop going to the library. Stop studying for your thesis. Stop worrying about that capstone paper. That paper won’t be there to keep you warm at night. Know your priorities.” As women continue to the search for fiancés, several locations on campus have become popular as scouting venues. Women have been seen scouring the computer science hallways, the back recesses of CSI and some have even been brave enough to venture into the CLT for those extra-reclusive mates. “I don’t feel like we’re antifeminist,” Bridalman said. “I think we’re ahead of the game. We get married now and then we have a supportive husband if we decide to have a career later. If you wait to get an MRS, the probability worsens way too much.” As graduation approaches, don’t be surprised to be asked to join a wedding party. And if someone tosses a bouquet or garter at you, DIVE for it. Layout. It’s yours for the taking.
Due to popular demand, the Parker Chapel is now offering ceremony bookings up to 18 months in advance. In addition, Aramark is now providing discounted catering plans for students.
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theTriniBonian APRIL.25. 2014
I’m
This is a headline for a story that someone didn’t turn in on-time Seriously, we are tired of making up stuff to fill space by Wehava deadline NEWS REPORTER Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management Poor time management
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theTriniBonian APRIL.25. 2014
Yelling
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TUPD now offering social alerts New alert messages to include social events, drunk friends, hangover times and skipped classes by Hit Me Up YELLING
Trinity adds HBO ResLife works to supplement dorm cable package with HBO channels, possible Cinemax later by Max Zerbater YELLING In a plan to increase application numbers and decrease student stress, Residential Living has now supplemented the dorm cable package to include HBO. Once a dissapointing and concentrated channel package, not including the popular channel ABC Family, the addition of HBO will add much needed sustenance to the dorm cable service. Trinity Uniersity President, Daniel Lumbergh expressed excitement at the prospect and is hoping to host “True Blood” screening nights in the Tigers Den followed by special a Pizza and Pleasure edition, “Sex with the Living Dead.” “I think having HBO in the dorms will really help the sense of cult-following at the school. Plus, we may begin to have certain actors here to give lectures in the
coming fall,” Lumbergh said. “It would certainly help attendance.” Similar to Lumbergh, Deets Tutts feels that the additional channels can help improve student life overall. “Realistically, this should save everyone a lot of money. You don’t have to buy HBO Plus anymore,” Deets Tutts said. “Not to mention, none of us ever have to miss another episode of “Girls” again, and “Game of Thrones” is obviously a priority for everyone.” The addition of HBO will also be a big new selling point for admissions, who work to highlight Trinity’s luxery, apartment-style dorm rooms. According to Wander Moleson, Residential Living, ITS and the Health Center are working to gather funding for Cinemax channels in addition to HBO. “In the long run, everyone could use a stress relief,” Moleson said. “Not to mention, it would save ITS a fortune in virus protection and maintenance from all those porn viruses in the study lounges.” On an unrelated note, class attendance for evening courses has dropped approximately 60 percent generally and up to 80 percent on evenings when “Game of Thrones” is airing.
In a groundbreaking and unprecedented move, the Trinity University Police Department (TUPD) has announced that they will expand the crisis alerts they send out to include social situations as well. The expanded alerts will include big events, such as new relationships and breakups of students, and will include events such as people meeting for the first time, students getting meals and which classes students have skipped. The new alerts are designed to make keeping up with friends and other people on campus easier than it has ever been and bring the campus closer together. Now students on campus will know each other better than ever before.
“A massive break through. Now, without ever leaving their rooms, or even their beds, really, students can know exactly what is happening with all of their friends around campus by simply looking at the alerts we send out. Trinity University will be the closest campus in the nation because of these alerts. People can know exactly when the girl they have a crush on finally leaves the guy they are with or which of their friends are in relationships. It will truly change the dynamic of friendships and how students interact with each other around campus and I am very excited for the implementation,” said officer Gossip Gurl. One feature that many people are excited for is the hangover alert which alerts students which of their fellow students have hangovers from the night before. This goes hand in hand with the intoxicated alert that allows people to know when, where and which students are having too much to drink at a specific time. Junior Jimmy O. Bearing expressed his excitement for the alerts.
“Knowing when my friends are drunk is absolutely essential to our friendship. They rarely invite me to go out with them, probably because they are worried about their other friends being intimidated by me, but now I can know what they are doing and when they are hungover as well! This will be so great for our friendship and I can finally remove the GPS systems that I have in their shoes.” Another aspect of the alerts is that they will be sent out when students skip class. This alert has been met gratefully by Sophomore Jenna Leah, who gave this statement. “Finally I get alerts about people skipping classes. Now I don’t have to look around the class trying to remember who is in the class normally to decide who I think is lazy and unmotivated. The alerts can decide for me. It will be such a luxury.” The alerts are set to begin in Fall 2014 semester and are absolutely mandatory. All students, faculty, staff and alumni will recieve them, with no exceptions.
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theTriniBonian APRIL 25.2014
Timber
ResLife issues weapons to RMs in order to keep the peace
Protection kits, Harry Potter experience, four person rooms all part of ResLife overhaul by Tazed n’ Confused
TIMBER Trinity’s Residential Life office announced today new plans to increase student safety within the residence halls. Following high-profile incidents of dangerous behavior including overfilling laundry machines, loud shouting and running in the hallway, ResLife has been under increasing pressure to protect innocent and studious students from unruly and obnoxious ones. At a press conference hosted by Doctor Abracadambra, university president, these longrumored changes in policy were announced to huge acclaim and applause from parents and faculty members alike, as ResLife seeks to control the influx of irresponsible and dangerous student behavior. Resident mentors will now be presented with a “Protection Kit” at the beginning of each semester, which, among other essential items, will include pepper spray, a taser and a sawed-off shotgun. These items have been approved and sanctioned by the Trinity hierarchy due to a need to make sure all students are able to enjoy the freedoms laid out in the U.S. Constitution. There will be changes inside the rooms themselves as well: bars added to the windows and balconies removed from all rooms. “The window-protecting bars are designed to stop intruders from gaining access to the rooms by smashing the glass and breaking in,” said Sally
Barred, who owns the patent for this revolutionary technology. The balcony-removal project will be quick and efficient, with the intention of protecting students from falling off and causing themselves injury. There will also be new, more varied living options for first years, including the stairwell rooms, dubbed “the Harry Potter experience,” where students have the opportunity to live out their dreams and experience life as their favorite wizard did living with the Dursley family. Students will also now live in rooms of four in a space-saving drive to make the university more economic. Rooms will remain the same size and still contain two single beds, so students will share beds to encourage friendship and the removal of “personal space”-related issues. Students may sign up online through TLearn if they wish to reserve a “cupboard under the stairs” or a four-person room, though these rooms will become compulsory within the next two years as the incoming class size is set to increase up to 50 percent each year. ResLife is positive about the upcoming changes. They only wonder why it took this long to make said changes. “These proposals exhibit our clear desire and commitment to protecting the young people of Trinity. We seek to create a positive atmosphere on campus, especially in places where students reside,” Noisa Violatson. “We’ve listened to the student body and provided them with various options of where to live and how they want their Trinity experience to unfold.” However, the numerous improvements will mean an increase in price for student accommodation. An estimated $10,000 per student will be added to their bill next semester to allow the university to afford the necessary building, labor and
firearm costs to fully complete the planned work. Experts have labeled this “the best value for money deal since the Whataburger Patty Melt meal.” The plans have drawn next to no criticism from any part of the Trinity community, with only the student body yet to be told. Having brought in the Academic Honor Council to consult on how best to create a
Sophomore Jason Liquormann does not know if he’ll continue patronizing Panchito’s. “I’ve been underage drinking there all year,” said Liquormann. “I think they always knew I had a fake I.D. and I think they really just stopped caring after a while. But I haven’t decided if I am going to pay the three dollars or not.” Economics and business major Eric Spiritsdowner said that he won’t be surprised if Panchito’s feels the economic impact of Trinity students boycotting the establishment. “We’re a force, a force to be reckoned with,” Spiritsdownersaid . “We love our tequila and Panchito’s knows it. It’s criminal that they would exploit us in this way when we have been such valued customers for so many years.” However, some students are glad that Panchito’s has raised their margarita prices. “We’re hoping that the elevated prices will discourage students
from drinking their lives away,” said Briana Prohibitionerra. Boozer claimed that Prohibitionerra doesn’t understand the Trinity lifestyle and should probably transfer to a more conservative school like Calvin College or Covenant College. “Trinity is an extremely academically rigorous university,” Boozer said. “We need margaritas to get us through the week and that extra dollar is stretching an income that has already been spread thin. Panchito’s is trying to take my hard-earned dollar and use it for socialist gain.” While Trinity students have been irate about the price increase, protesters are expected to dissipate as finals rapidly approach. “It’s a shame that finals have come at this critical time in our strike,” Spiritsdowner said. “I have faith that we can beat the system and margaritas will be two dollars once again.”
photo by Incent Bystand A resident mentor restrains a fractious student in the wake of issuing a noise violation. Unseen residents gathered in awe.
Restaurant betrays students, raises prices Students protest popular watering hole; experience acute betrayal and loss of faith by Blake Shotts TIMBER When news reached the Trinity campus that Panchito’s had raised their Thursday margarita special from $2 to $3, Trinity students erupted in frustration. Students reportedly drove to Walmart and Michaels to purchase poster supplies for picketing. Hours later they surrounded Panchito’s in an angry mob. “It’s honestly un-American,” said Margaret Boozer, a senior. “Two-dollar margaritas have become a weekly tradition, and I am shocked Panchito’s would do this.”
good study environment, ResLife feel they have stumbled upon the next level of student experience. “We hope that students and resident mentors alike will enjoy the new guidelines and the intensity of the great standard of living they provide. Mentors will receive training in how to operate their “Protection Kit” safely but will be advised to act with decisive force if they
see anything they deem to be excessively dangerous, including noise violations and unsafe use of social media.” Trinity hopes to be a pioneer in this new era of student safety and act as a beacon of hope for troubled students across the United States. These proposals and different types of rooms will be available and implemented starting in Fall 2014.
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theTriniBonian APRIL.25.2014
7
Administration adds new hangover days Students are now allowed to skip class because they party hard by Bring Me Water U BETTER Trinity University announced today that, beginning in Fall 2014, the student attendance policy for classes will allow for five “hangover days” for each student per class they are taking in the semester. “We just decided it was time to be a little more realistic about this school’s attendance policy. It’s 2014. I pushed for ten hangover days, but it was apparently too lenient. Whatever,” said Danny Turtle, dean of students. Turtle then chugged from a flask in his pocket and declared the interview to be over. The initiative for hangover days was started via a petition organized through
the Trinity Aggressives, a student group created to push for more time to binge drink during their four-year experience. “What’s the point of even coming to college if you remember half of it? I partied my ass off in high school just to be able to party at an elite institution like Trinity University,” said Bla Kout, Trinity Aggressives president. “They wanted to bring me down with class and grades? I ain’t about that life.” Kout then chugged from a flask in his pocket and declared the interview to be over. Faculty have surprisingly lauded the new policy, claiming that it will decrease some of the pressure on them. Chemistry professor Drun Kard claimed, “You think I like teaching these dumb business majors how to light a Bunsen burner three days a week? Heck, these hangover days are a blessing. I’ll be able to hit up ThursBay’s for the first time in years.” Kard then chugged from a flask in
Comm majors needed Events hope to entice students to join the extremely unpopular major by Ben Dover U BETTER The communication department is hosting a three-day event called, “Get To Know the Communication Major.” The events will take place next Monday, April 28, through Wednesday, April 30, to encourage more students to declare communication as their major. In recent years, there has been a decrease in the number of students in the program. This year, there are only five seniors graduating with a communication degree. The department hopes that next week’s events will entice students to declare a communication major. “We’re hoping that the events we have planned will attract students from all over campus to come see what the communication department has to offer,” communication department chair Payne Advertison said. “We really need more students to join the major to fill up the classes. Oftentimes we end up having to cancel courses because there aren’t enough students signed up to take them.” To promote the interactive multimedia communication mobile gaming class, there will be an event Monday afternoon, noon to 6 p.m., for students to play video games with the chance to win a gift card to Amazon. On Tuesday, in honor of their film studies class, the department will be hosting a movie day. Some movies that will be shown are:
“The Hunger Games: Catching Fire,” “Pitch Perfect,” and “The Internship.” The movies will start at 9 a.m. and continue throughout the day until 8 p.m. There will also be popcorn and drinks served during all the movies. Current communication major and junior, May Dea, is excited the department is taking the initiative to recruit more students and hopes this will bring more students into her classes. “I think this will be a great way to get more students to join the major,” said Dea. “The communication department is the best-kept secret on Trinity’s campus, so this will be a great way get more attention.” On Wednesday, the department will be hosting a pop culture trivia game. Participants will be split up into teams and asked different questions. The game will be conducted in a team style of jeopardy. Questions will cover recent movies, music, books and games. Advertison will be acting as the game show host for this event. The team with the most points at the end of the game will win iTunes gift cards. “I’m excited to see what the communication major has to offer,” undeclared first year Fanny Dome said. “After hearing what events will be taking place, I will definitely declare a communication major. I can’t wait to see what my new major has in store for me.” The communication department offers classes in advertising, public relations, film studies, mobile gaming and fandoms. “It’s a great major that gives you a little bit of everything,” said Advertison. “Our major makes you more marketable in the job field and gives you a better chance of getting a job over other applicants.”
photo by Tila Tequila A student continues to drink because F*** it, no class tomorrow - he’ll be too damn hungover to learn things. his pocket and declared the interview to be over. Trinity is the first school to implement such a policy, but change is on the horizon.
Institutions modeled after the Trinity Aggressives have been started all over the nation, and hangover days are looking to become a national
trend from college all the way down to elementary schools. Now, I’m going to chug from this flask in my pocket because this article is over.
My name is Catticus Finch.
Move
The good, the bad and the pointless overshare
Best of TU Confessions• Best of TU Confessions • Best of TU Confessions • Best of TU Con-
8 theTrinitonian APRIL.25.2014
“Everyone involved made a big, disturbing, disgusting mistake. But a mistake does not define who you are for your whole life. Give these people a chance to change and grow.”
Confession #1
“I want to f*** my rm so badly it’s not even funny.”
Confession #441
“I’m positive that my roommate is a nonviolent psychopath.”
Confession #384
“I’ve been writing fanfiction instead of writing my essays.”
Confession #26
“I want to get more use out of my high school letterman, is that acceptable for college kids to wear?”
Confession #60
“I wish there was a game show where professors had to guess which of their students were the biggest stoners. [Occurring in a beautiful world where weed is legal in Texas]”
Confession #423
“If I’m high but no one is there to see me, am I high?”
Confession #79
“I eat an entire bag of pirates booty every time I’m hungover.”
Confession #115
“Does anyone else think the whole school hates them for their fedora collection?”
Confession #219
“I cried when Rita died in Dexter.”
Confession #345
“I want to go out for amateur night at hardbodies but don’t know when it happens or what routine I would perform.”
Confession #238
“ I wish there was an ice machine in Thomas/Lightner because I’m tired of having to walk to Prassel every time I want to make margaritas.”
Confession #229
“I have absolutely no problem with the idea of accidental cannibalism (providing it’s cooked) but holding hands with a stranger is really, really gross to me” compiled by Creep McCreepster
Confession #434
TRYING TO MAKE OUR THOUGHTS PC
This is the most terrible amount of space for a headline Dear Dad, Per your request, I have been looking at and evaluating the various iPad models. As you well know, I originally wanted an iPad mini. I think they’re cute. Plus, they are similar in size to a book and much of what I want an iPad for pertains to literature. All of that being said, I did not realize how comparable the price is between an iPad mini (with Retina display) and a full-sized iPad. I mean, the iPad and the iPad mini (with Retina display) are both $399! Who would have guessed?! Might as well get the bigger one! #Merica But also, I’m kind of into the iPad Air. I don’t know. One of my concerns is the difference in the chips. The normal iPad has an A6X chip, while the iPad mini (with Retina display) and the iPad Air both have A7 chips. Apparently, the A7 chip is twice as fast as the A6X. This sounds great and everything, but I don’t know if that’s a difference the average consumer (me) would notice. You know? Taking all of this into consideration, I would be fine with either the iPad mini (with Retina display) or the full-sized iPad, despite its molasses chip. Really, I’d be fine with anything. An iPad. A nice cross body purse. A Red Wings shirt. Those Subway gift cards Mom has a bunch of. A tank of gas. You know, anything. Love,
Rachel
The first cut is the deepest As a recent alumna, I write concerning Trinity admissions policies. One of the proudest days of my life was my graduation from Trinity, but also an important day was the day I knew I’d been admitted to the university. I knew my application had been carefully scrutinized and that I’d been selected for admission because I possessed the aptitude and resilient character necessary for success. The application process gave me confidence. Also, the application process is essential to building a class of young adults who will support one another, learn from one another, and be lifelong friends to one another. I’m proud to be a Trinity Tiger! Now, working for Homeland Security, I put my major in biology and minor in communication management to good use. My security clearance gives me access to troubling information: Trinity has admitted at least one student without review by the Admissions Office. Associate vice president for student affairs and dean of students David Tuttle met this student at The Pearl, essentially adopted her, and she now attends Trinity. But was this student ready for college life? Is she adequately prepared to do the exhaustive
photo by Barking Glamour Once a family and school favorite, JJurgens poses in the grass for her beauty shots. A new pup now replaces her in her old stomping grounds.
research that is a hallmark of the Trinity experience? No one knows because she did not have to submit an application! She just showed up on campus one day. So she’s cooperative. Is she intelligent? So she’s consistent. Is she engaged in searching for knowledge? So she’s tolerant. Can she collaborate? Is this student Trinity material? More to the point: Has Trinity admitted others without a proper application? Of course, I recommend Trinity to anyone who can do the work and be a contributing member of the university community. By
allowing students to enroll who have not demonstrated aptitude and preparation, Trinity puts its reputation at risk. What resources will be spent “supporting” this student so she can pass her classes, so she can fit in, so she can get a job when—no, if—she graduates? I am sorry to say I believe that by enrolling students who have not submitted proper applications and have not been scrutinized for admission my alma mater may be going to the dogs. JJurgens is a bomb-sniffer at Hobby Airport in Houston, TX.
theTriniBonian APRIL.25.2014
U Better
9
Life Greek organizations rebel against ICC With a history of betrayal and distrust, Greeks turn against ICC in violent outburst by Dun Withdaman U BETTER Due to the new calendar recently put in place by ICC, several organizations around Trinity’s campus have decided to create their own calendars instead. The Life Greek community, in particular, has found this transition to be especially difficult. Sophomore Jenny Peggy, member of Zeta Sigma Beta, is enraged at ICC’s attempt to take even more control over her sorority. “I don’t know who these people think they are! I mean, they’re supposed to be the center for campus involvement, not campus dictatorship,” Peggy said. The new calendar requires students to hold office for a full calendar year, rather than
the traditional fall through spring semester school year. Donald Grump, president of Alpha Alpha Alpha, questions what this means for the future of his club. “So who’s going to be Triple Alpha’s president now? I graduate in May but, according to ICC, a new guy can’t take over the position until January. Who is going to take care of my boys in the fall? Triple Alpha won’t stand for this; we’re creating our own calendar,” Grump said. Alpha Alpha Alpha isn’t the only organization that has decided to ignore ICCs new calendar. Omega Chi Chi sorority has decided to completely reinvent the terms for which members of the club will hold office. Their president, Beva Feva, is excited about the club’s decision to take matters into their own hands. “We’re going to hold elections in February,” said Feva. “And the girls who are chosen will take office from March until June, when we’ll have elections again. That way, we’ll all have an excuse to
ICC/Greeks Hold Mixer Trinity administration to host an epic party, wants to fraternize with the Greek community by Missy MixerUpper
U BETTER
Tomorrow evening in a quiet San Antonio neighborhood, ICC and Life Greek are pooling their resources and hosting a campus-wide mixer. The two groups, often engaged in an epic battle about party registration, alcohol provision and fund allocation, have decided to bridge their many gaps and host a party for all of campus to enjoy. Life Greek member PC Luvine thinks the mixer is a positive step for the future of ICC/Life Greek relationship. She hopes that partygoers won’t be discouraged by university staff involvement. “I know it seems a little odd that this party is kind of university sanctioned, but it’s really just like any normal party. There will be mysterious punch and lots of loud, drunk freshmen. There will not be any toilet paper or dignity. You know, pretty typical,” Luvine said. ICC is equally optimistic about the party. “This is just what we needed,” said ICC coordinator Wete Blancet. “We want to
show both Life Greek and the student body at large that our policies are not meant to ruin anyone’s experiences. We just want people to have fun via safe and responsible channels.” One of the biggest questions concerning the event involves the alcohol. Many students wonder how a university staff member presence will mash up with the rampant underage drinking at Life Greek parties. “I really don’t understand how the university is going to host a frat party,” said Illa Drinke-Nething, first-year socialite. “Will they turn a blind eye? Will they give us alcohol violations? Who knows? It’s so risky. Too risky. Almost.” Blancet admitted the alcohol element does complicate the party. “Honestly, we’re still trying to figure out what to do about the alcohol. Like, we want to be down with the students; we want to get turnt. But also we could get into a ton of trouble for not reporting underage drinking,” Blancet said. Luvine is confident things will work out. “It should at least be interesting,” Luvine said. “Interesting is fun, right?” The party will happen from 10 pm to 2 am tomorrow night. Buses will be picking up/dropping off at the Bell Center on and off (mostly off) throughout the night. An all-campus email will be sent out sometime today with the house’s address.
get together over the summer! The girls we elect will hold office through August. Then the girls who previously held positions will take over again once school begins. It all makes total sense when you see it on paper.” Not everyone is as optimistic about their organization’s decision to create a unique calendar. Alpha Alpha Alpha’s new calendar has raised some concerns for junior member John Whine. “I agree that we can’t conform to these new rules from ICC, but I am a little worried about Triple Alpha’s choice to have a new guy hold each position every new month,” Whine said. “It gives everyone a chance to have some power, but I don’t know how we will have time to actually get stuff done if we’re having elections every meeting.” As of now, ICC appears to be unaware of these silent rebellions occurring within the various organizations around Trinity’s campus. This may change soon.
photo by Innocent Insurgent Fraternity member stands menacingly on the frontlines near the ICC office while fellow members rally behind him.
PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING Seen this guy on campus?
RABIES CASES REPORTED Health Services offering Rabies Vaccines $40, payable by Tiger Bucks
PROTECT YOURSELF!
10 theTrinibonian APRIL.25.2014
Go TU! Trinity students learn more about Trinity to attend Trinity
Dance
We have lawn chairs.
by Don “You See Me!” Lemondia DANCE The new Trinity University ad campaign has placed billboards all over San Antonio, murals in the San Antonio airport and ads in the school newspaper. The ad campaign will hopefully raise awareness of the school and get more students all over the universe to apply. The ads seem to be working so far. “I totally would have never heard about Trinity if it wasn’t for the billboard right outside my house. I didn’t even know there was a college right beside my house. Now all of my friends who live near me will know about this school,” said Nei Roswell, a local resident who lives on Rosemont Drive. The following is a quick primer for those who may not know much about Trinity University; this was taken from the Trinity website and can also be found in some of the official brochures. Trinity University is a Catholic university devoted to the Holy Trinity and is located somewhere in San Antonio. It is a historic establishment dating back at least 100 years; it features dorms that smell like death and mold in almost all of the facilities - even the food facilities. It is a small liberal arts school with hundreds and hundreds of students graduating in unemployable degrees but with much bigger egos and senses of self-worth. There are tons of various sororities and fraternities that the students are required to join. These organizations are a wholesome, important part of both the Trinity and the San Antonio community. They are active in many school events - sometimes even the ones they aren’t required to attend. They personally provide enough business to dozens of liquor stores to sustain a healthy local economy. “Our frequent parties always provide a great getaway from school work and normal (sober) human interactions. These groups are also very inclusive – especially the frat parties – when it comes to women,” said Soba Sista, a member of a sorority. They have wonderful traditions like Duckapalooza. You may initially feel confusion about why the school with a tiger mascot has a duck event. Worry not; it makes a lot of sense. Trinity University has a beautiful water fountain which, as the name implies, has water which ducks reside in and which rubber ducks can be placed to float on. This yearly tradition is composed of a few individuals handpicked by the Dean dress up in a full-body duck suit. They dance a six-hour intricate dance that tells Trinity’s entire history. They also periodically make fox noises.
Apply now.