My Wife Triggers Me

BY CJ ELLIS

It’s crazy to think that there was a time in my marriage when I would get negatively triggered by my wife simply by her coming into the same room.

I remember several years ago when my wife would walk into the room while I was sitting on the couch in the living room, or I’d be in the family room watching TV. For reasons I didn’t understand, I would suddenly become very irritable and frustrated with her.

We hadn’t been in a fight, nor had she done anything wrong, but it was obvious that I was often getting triggered when she would come into the room where I was.

On one occasion, when Lisa noticed the change in my demeanor, she asked me, “Honey, are you okay? Is anything wrong?” I simply said, “No, nothing’s wrong!”

I was definitely lying to her.

I didn’t know why I was being triggered like this, nor did I know how to change it, but it was a very discouraging place I found myself in until one day, when I had a very unusual experience.

It happened in 2020, right in the middle of the pandemic. My wife had a chiropractor appointment that she needed me to take her to. I was not allowed to go inside because of Covid rules at that time so I dropped her off and left to do my own thing.

On my way back to pick Lisa up, she texted to inform me that she was done, and I let her know I was almost there. As I pulled into the parking lot, I saw my wife standing next to the building waiting for me, and when I saw her face, something very unusual but extraordinary happened to me:

Suddenly, I was overcome with intense feelings of passion and excitement, like in the movies when the guy and girl lock eyes on each other, the romantic music starts playing, and imaginary fireworks go off.

That’s what I felt at that moment with my wife, the woman I had been married to for over 30 years!

What in the world was going on? What was wrong with me?” Such strong emotions caught me off guard. I wasn’t sure if I was experiencing a nervous breakdown or a midlife crisis, but something unusual was happening, and it was freaking me out.

When Lisa got in the car, I didn’t say anything about this because I didn’t want to alarm her. I decided to play it cool as best I could. I had a hard time understanding what was happening. At first, I thought it was just a fluke, but I soon discovered it wasn’t.

A couple of days later, I was home sitting on the couch when I heard the garage door open, and Lisa’s car pulled inside. A few moments later, I heard her say, “Honey, I’m home!”

I turned to see her coming out of the kitchen, and when I saw her face, I experienced the same thing that had happened a couple of days ago in the parking lot. The fireworks went off, and I was flooded with exhilaration, feeling passion and excitement for my wife.

That was when I realized what was happening: through a particular activity that I began to practice that I felt God had guided me to do, I unknowingly rewired my brain and changed the way I thought about my wife!

As if simultaneously, I also had the realization that the negative triggering occurred because I constantly dwelled on my wife’s flaws. I was fixated on the things she did that bothered me, things that I felt that she should have been doing that she wasn’t, the times I felt disrespected by her, and especially all the times that she would reject my advances for physical intimacy.

This habit of fixating on her flaws that I didn’t realize I had come to form were piling on and were dumping into my soul. Unfortunately, they had been programming my brain on how to think about and perceive my wife.

I also failed to notice how all the negativity and preconceived notions have affected not only our marital relationship but our other family members as well.

As parents, we aim to teach our children the correct values and lead them as they prepare to take their own path in life. However, we sometimes forget that these teaching moments are not limited to the times when we talk to them or try to correct their ways. Rather, it is every moment that they spend with us.

Our children observe us all the time, picking up on our attitudes, behaviors, and body language. This is how they learn about themselves and the world around them. Soon, they will start emulating what they see.

If children are fed with negativity at home, they will reflect the same to their environment. As a husband and father, this is not something I want to happen, so I had to look for solutions.

I found out that it all had to do with choice. Instead of dwelling on my grievances and grudges, I chose to substitute these thoughts with those that supported me in having a more loving and emotionally connected relationship with Lisa.

I want to share with you this simple exercise that revitalized my 32 year marriage and, that can have an incredible impact on your marriage, even if you already have a good one:

First, you’ll need to get a private space where you will be uninterrupted for the next 10 minutes. Then you will need to pull up a photo of your wife on your phone. I recommend a recent photo that you like that provides a close and clear picture of her face.

Gaze on (or stare at) your wife’s face for the next five to 10 minutes, and while you’re gazing at her, ONLY think of the following:

1. How amazing she is — think about those things that make her unique and incredible.

2. How beautiful she is — dwell on the features and qualities about her that you found attractive many years ago when you first met.

3. All the wonderful things that she does for you that are so easy to take for granted

4. Think about the way she looks at you when you know she is pleased with you

Don’t be in a hurry when doing this - take your time and enjoy the process.

I challenge you to do this simple but powerful exercise every day for the next 40 days. If you unintentionally miss a day or two, just jump back on the train and keep going. You can set a daily reminder on your phone to support you in being consistent. The more consistent you are, the faster your transformation will be.

After you’ve done this for 40 days, continue to do it regularly and see what happens.

These days I still find myself getting triggered by my wife on occasion, but this new triggered response is a whole lot different and better than what it used to be. I now feel more connected to, infatuated with, and attracted to my wife than ever before.

It’s not that my wife has suddenly become “perfect” and no longer does things that bother me. On the contrary, she happens to do some things that I don’t like. The difference is that I don’t dwell on them anymore, and it made me and the whole family happier.

About the author:

CJ is the CEO of Momentum-Family & Life Coaching and founder of the “Takin ‘Em With Me” Men’s movement. He is an ordained minister who served as a church leader and Sr. pastor for 31 years, served as the lead chaplain for the law enforcement community in his former city for almost four years, and has traveled to several countries teaching, preaching, and equipping followers of Jesus.

CJ has been married to his beautiful wife and “most favorite person on the planet” for 32 years. He has six amazing children; five sons, one daughter, and three beautiful grandchildren. Now, he is on a mission to see fatherlessness obliterated.

By creating a safe environment through his training/coaching programs, CJ empowers men to effectively love, serve, and build heart connections with their wives and children, where they become loving and affectionate husbands and superhero dads.