How to Turn the Table in Narcissistic Relationships

BY: Yve Ruiz, M.D.

Google the word “narcissism”, and you will get many definitions, including those from the American Psychiatric Association and the National Institute of Health. These brief descriptions, however, printed with tiny text in 2D black and white, pale in comparison to the life-sized full-color 3D with surround sound version that many have to deal with in their lives on a regular basis.

Facing a narcissist is similar to being on the front lines of increasingly intense battles. A narcissist, who overtly rages over or covertly lures you to leave your sense of self-competence and confidence, would often manipulate you into believing their downgraded perception of you. In extreme cases, you are left as a shadow of yourself, no matter how hearty in mind, heart, and soul you tell yourself you are.

Now, every day with a narcissist is not this dramatic. But if you are with one, you wake up every day wondering whether it will be. I am talking about unhealthy narcissism here - the kind that negatively affects one’s functioning in society.

Rebecca Zung, recognized as one of the top 1% of attorneys in the U.S and an expert negotiator with narcissists ("narcs"), synopsizes narcs more succinctly: “The narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells aside.”

One thing Rebecca Zung and I have in common are we not only help clients in narcissistic relationships in our unique ways, but we've also experienced toxic narcissism up close and personal. And while medical research has not yet revealed exactly what factors cause narcissism, we do know that narcissists cannot sustain a consistent positive self-image, so they overly rely on others to confirm their worth.

The Impact Of Narcissism

Cleveland Clinic cites expert quotes of up to a 5% prevalence of unhealthy narcissism, labeled as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) among medical professionals. But when you factor in all the family, friends, and coworkers that those five percents relate with, the prevalence of people experiencing the effects of NPD climbs substantially.

A Narcissist At Home

Confucius posited, “To put the world in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order.” That’s a tall order when a family is run by a narcissist. Not just stranger danger is etched into an innocent’s heart at an early age when one’s parents or siblings are narcissistic.

Many of my clients raised by narcissists have shared their experiences:

-How they were denied emotional expressions like anger or hurt over self-centered parental treatment; -How early in life they learned that parental love is conditional; and

-How they’d work overtime to please or appease their parents.

My sessions with them have shaped their healing and journey to contented relationships with ease of expression. Recovery from narcissistic relationships is not like taking an antibiotic for five days. It’s ongoing, with greater success over time and with help from supportive loved ones and experts.

Having A Narcissist Partner

When you are romantically partnered with a narc, the start of your relationship may have been a whirlwind of near perfection, so you think it MUST be the real thing, meant to be. Later on, you may find yourself feeling lonelier than when your coupling began, and you would wish to return to your "early days" together to recapture those moments you'd felt so seen and understood.

In stark contrast, your partner now makes decisions that affect both of you without your input, devalues you, and “forgets” about promises they’ve made you that they’ve never fulfilled.

Narcissist At Work

Whatever “misbehavioral” tools a narcissist decides to pull out from the toolbox at home can also be used in modified form to control people at the office, as the narc exploits others at work for personal gain.

Imagine how many adults in this country alone are still living through the effects of having been raised by or with narcissists. Now mentally double their potential magnitude: whether one experiences narcissism in the biological family, work family, or both, the results can be destructive.

When a narcissist wends their way into a leadership position at work, their acting without integrity creates communication breakdowns, trust issues, and many other problems.

In a research paper published in September 2021, Jennifer Chatman, the Paul J. Cortese Distinguished Professor of Management at UC Berkeley and the study's lead author noted, "Narcissistic leaders affect the core elements of organizations and their impact on society….Companies organize because they can do something together that no individual can accomplish alone. When narcissistic leaders undermine collaboration, they, by definition, reduce the effectiveness of an organization."

Physiological Effects Of Dealing With A Narcissist

Repeatedly being narcissistically manipulated is stressful. This puts us on edge, reducing our focus and concentration on problem-solving and decision-making.

When we’re more stressed, even simple decisions may seem complicated, and the quality of our decisions may suffer. And as we take more time to deliberate, we take longer to decide. At the end of the day, we've made fewer decisions, and the quality of those decisions can be compromised.

You can see how relating to a narcissist over time can considerably downshift your mindset, self-concept, and performance. Visualize yourself with your family, caring for your children, or in your work, leading projects worth millions of dollars; how much this shift alone can cost you?

What, Then, Can We Do About Narcissism?

Dr. Ramani provides the premise for our next steps: “If you’re never going to be enough [as per the narcissist], one thing you need to do is stop exhausting yourself to try to be so. Every human being in the world comes into this world more than enough and exits this world more than enough.”Our first step toward nipping narcissism in the bud is to recognize it.

The good news is that awareness about narcissism has been widening globally, accompanied by a growing vocabulary to address narcissistic mannerisms. By arming yourself with the language of narcissism, you can:

1. See whether you are dealing with a narcissistic person.

2. Effectively communicate your situation to those you subsequently go to for help.

3. Use available resources to develop a social support network and better understand your narcissist. These might include nonprofit organizations, spiritual centers, and support groups.

4. Find experienced narcissism professionals to help you more efficiently and effectively strategize and navigate toward your intended mental, emotional, and spiritual health goals. Forbes council member Erin Urban has said, "Relationships established with more experienced professionals usually allow mentees access to additional knowledge depth. These types of partnerships can be transformational."

Prada’s Narcissistic Relationship Story: A Story Of Possibility

Raised by narcissistic parents, Prada is a private client of mine. She started seeing me when she was in a covert narcissistic relationship with someone who continually shifted expectations, did not hold himself accountable for misdeeds, and did not express empathy for Prada. He demeaned her, first in private and then later occasionally among others.

During our time working together, Prada realized he was different from how he originally advertised himself. Nor was she the failing partner, often letting him down as he'd painted Prada to be.

Prada grew to discern his manipulative ways as she discussed relationship scenarios with me. She started successfully predicting his behaviors and memorized his deeper motives, and learned fruitful ways to respond to his narcissistic acts to help preserve her peace of mind.

She picked up new protocols to process her feelings for improved emotional hygiene, and most importantly, Prada awakened to her ever-present power of choice. Over our subsequent sessions, Prada gradually strengthened her mindset and resolved enough to leave him permanently.

She adopted new coping skills and healthier ways to handle her transition through my mentoring sessions with her. Prada also took an irresistible offer for a much higher-paying corporate job, and her new boss turned out to be a raging narcissist. And as Prada is quite capable and compassionate, he pushed her harder than the others.

In her 2nd narcissistic relationship round, she was more empowered. Prada strategized to cover her financial needs and enrolled in further education with the ultimate plan of starting her own business. She is undaunted in doing what it takes to reach her vocational goal. Prada has not rebounded romantically with anyone and acknowledges her achievements with pride, knowing she's worthy of getting whatever she wants in life for herself.

Reducing Narcissistic Influence And Effect

If you ever find yourself partnered up personally or professionally with a narcissist, I'd love for you to surround yourself with healthy, trustworthy support, advocacy, and guidance, reclaim your power, and move successfully toward all of life's blessings waiting for you!

Have any questions about narcissism arisen for you? You are invited to a confidential, complimentary conversation with me. Confucius’ insight feels especially relevant today: “...to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.”

About the Author:

Dr. Yve Ruiz earned her medical doctorate at UCLA School of Medicine, completing residencies in both family medicine and psychiatry. She is the creator of narcissism, leadership, and Ultimate Confidence Mastery programs, inspiring and motivating women to own their power for decades. In a program funded by the Jim Casey Initiative, Yve has mentored prior sex slaves from Honduras even while their traffickers were put on trial.

This year at the renowned national Conscious Life Expo promoting a socially conscious and sustainable lifestyle in LA, Yve was invited to run their first-ever workshop on the topic of narcissism, with standing room only, called Banishing Your Energy Vampires. She has guested on inspirational podcasts and other online shows, including Manny Lopez' From Orphan to CEO, The Healing Heart Podcast, The Mentors Studio, ParentPumpRadio.com, Damian Bertrand’s Tuesday afternoon LATalkRadio.com show.

Most recently, Yve is a co-author in rising star LA Tribune CEO Moe Rock's book "The Moral Compass: 28 Principles for Integrity-Driven Leadership."

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