Travisty 16 (#81)

TRAVISTY #16

Valentine's Day.indd 1

Valentine’s Day edition

floreat pica

13/02/2019 00:38

Letter from the Editors

Alexander Chamberlain, Grace Glevey, and Muhammad Manji introduce Trinity’s favourite newspaper

L O V E

ost. Listless. Lonesome. Those aren’t emotions you’ll feel anymore now that you have a new edition of Travisty in your hands. Who needs a romance when you have the glossy white pages, beautiful typesetting and gorgeous cover art to feast your eyes upon? (I know we’re at Cambridge, but for the record, that was a joke). nly one publication in the world could contain articles ranging from Valentine’s cards and poems (Pages 6 and 7) to horoscopes (Page 16) and even one linking your cereal to your personality (Page 5). We aim not to disappoint here at Travisty. If you missed hustings, turn to Page 12 for Simon’s (mostly) accurate retelling of events. alentine’s Day is an unusual holiday. Whether you wiled it away eating ice cream, or spent it with the love of your life, we hope that there is some material in here to amuse you. As always, we have a cryptic crossword (Page 8) for you to sink your teeth into, although we accept no responsibility for lack of academic work while trying to solve the clues.

very term seems to have this point when everything happens at once. Your best kept plans become shaky, and your colour-coded calendar looks like a veritable Jackson Pollock painting.

If it feels overwhelming, slow down, take a deep breath and prioritise. The precedents you set now will serve you for the rest of your life, so make time for things that are important, and that means more than work. Enjoy the issue.

The Three Bears If you’re Goldilocks, I’d stay well away.

Would you look at that? The sixteenth issue has sixteen pages. That was definitely deliberate. Nothing to do with lack of content. Certainly not. I guess our writers were all busy planning dates or something.

As always, get in touch if you’d like to contribute.

Alexander Chamberlain Muhammad M anji Manji banged his head playing football, so we were worried about him. Turns out, it actually jolted his brain back into place and now he’s a genius. Who knew?

floreat pica Valentine's Day.indd 2

A lexander Chamberlain Alexander wondered if anyone reads Travisty. Then he realised that he reads Travisty. And he’s someone. Thus his question was answered, and he could sleep easy.

Grace Glevey Grace recently secured a place in TSCU. RON didn’t stand a chance. Her role involves her opening doors so that people have access to the College, apparently.

2 13/02/2019 00:38

In This Issue

Meet the creative team behind this week’s issue 2

Letter from the Editors Travisty Editors

3

This Issue’s Contributors Travisty Editors

4

How To Save Your College Marriage Shavindra Jayasekera

5

What Your Cereal Says About You Alexander Chamberlain

6

Trinity Valentine’s Cards

7

Valentine’s Poems

Lidija Beric Joshua Robey

This Fine Institutionalisation Grace Glevey 8

Cryptic Crossword Agnijo Banerjee and Andrew Sellek

9

Romantic Films Re-Imagined Alexander Chamberlain One-Liners

Travisty Writers

10 What’s On & Weather Forecast Mina Frost Cocktail of the Week Muhammad Manji 11 How To Get A Crushbridge Olivia Horne 12 RON Suffers Shock Defears Simon Warrener 15 Uncle A

Alexander Chamberlain

Romantic Walks In Cambridge Muhammad Manji 16 Horoscopes

3 Valentine's Day.indd 3

Alexander Chamberlain

Agnijo Banerjee Is the Sherlock Holmes of cryptic crosswords.

H arry Metrebian Has mysteriously vanished, supposedly due to something called Part III.

Joshua Robey Has written more poems than a monkey with a typewriter.

Lidija Beric Is concerned that she put a few Valentine’s cards back in the wrong places.

Mina Frost Wants a breath of fresh air after all these terrible weather puns.

Olivia Horne Word has it that 53% of crushbridges are about her after researching for her article.

Shavindra Jayasekera Is changing his degree choice to marriage counselling after seeing how much they charge.

Simon Warrener Our resident reporter on TSCU affairs.

floreat pica 13/02/2019 00:38

How To Save Your College Marriage Shavindra Jayasekera has the relationship advice everyone needs Let’s face it, it’s only halfway into Lent and you’re already regretting marrying your spouse; that ‘friend’ that you thought was cool and hip during Michaelmas but quickly came to learn was a weirdo too late after your grand (or half-arsed) proposal. However, in the spirit of Valentine’s day, rather than making the rational decision of breaking up, let’s try to salvage the inevitable disaster that is your marriage.

Incessant Facebook Tagging It doesn’t matter if the marriage is successful as long as everyone knows that you are married. Be sure to make use of all the Cambridge meme pages (and perhaps even venture into the Oxford ones to add variety). Kindbridge and Camfess are recommended for platonic marriages but if you wish to spice things up try Crushbridge or Cumbridge. The ultimate goal is to confuse all your non-Cambridge friends who have no understanding of college marriage and convince them that you are in fact in a genuine (albeit failing) relationship.

Exotic Dates Unfortunately, you are confined to the city of Cambridge on a student budget so you’ll have to forego any plans of fancy restaurants and decent entertainment. So why not visit the ADC to see what culture the students of Cambridge can offer you? I can guarantee the suffering that is sitting through a 2-hour pretentious student play will create a bond like no other. As for meals, the Trinity College Hall is nearby with food broadly edible and ‘subsidised’ to provide adequate food even for those who struggle to pay their College bill.

Set Up Your Spouse If you haven’t already got with your spouse, then consider finding love for them. Everyone knows college marriage is just a stepping stone for a real marriage. Not only will your spouse be eternally grateful for you, but hopefully they will spend less time with you and pester their newfound romantic interest instead.

Hopefully, if your spouse is particularly thankful, they will find you the love of your life in return.

An Affair Sometimes it is impossible to tolerate your college spouse so the only way to continue with the marriage is to have a secret affair with a friend who you would much rather have your children with. Become wellversed in providing excuses as to why you can’t spend time together and hopefully you will come to a mutual understanding that you are now only married by name. If you have qualms about the morality of this suggestion, remember that you spouse probably has an affair of their own—yes, you are equally as annoying to deal with.

Befriend a Lawyer If none of the previous techniques work then you doomed to divorce. A lawyer will be able to advise you on damage control and who gets possession of the College kids, who’ll enter a less than harmonious family situation when they join in the Autumn.

floreat pica Valentine's Day.indd 4

4 13/02/2019 00:38

What Your Cereal Says About You Alexander Chamberlain links the psyche to the grain Cornflakes: Some people call you bland. Basic, even. Tasteless. But don’t listen to the hate.

You’re normal, and that’s something to be proud of. When the whole world is trying to stand out, you’re there fitting in. Reliable and trustworthy, people know what they’re getting. You deliver, even if you don’t blow people away.

Frosties: You weren’t happy with life as a cornflake, so you decided to mix—or should I say sweeten—things up. When you said you were going to become cool, people didn’t realise you were going to take it this far. You make Antarctica seem like an ice rink. Water freezes as you walk past. I’ve heard penguins worship you as a God. Crunchy Nuts: The final evolution in the cornflakes’ lineage, crunchy nuts are cornflakes after they took Snickers’ tagline to the extreme. Mr T would be proud. Occasionally you’re noisy, especially at the wrong times, but when you show your true colours, you shine golden like the sun.

Shreddies: We get it. You’re a gym lad. You eat shreddies because you want to get shredded.

Perhaps you already are. No matter. Just remember, when you’re an absolute beast of lean muscle and raw power, that you don’t have to be tough all the time. Shreddies are knitted by nannies, after all. You may be tough on the outside, but on this inside, you’re a big softy, really.

Special K: You’re the M&S of cereals. You’re lining up your cushy 6-figure salary after you graduate. Everything about you screams style, fashion, luxury. You eat your cereal out of a Ming vase with a silver spoon, freshly polished by your butler each morning. Some people just have it all.

Weetabix: You’re not afraid to be different. When all the other cereals are made up of small, easy to eat chunks, Weetabix pack their goodness into a brick that could kill a bird, if you could throw it far enough. You pack a punch and it takes a lot of time for people to get to know you, but they usually stick around for more.

Rice Krispies: You’re going to snap, crackle and pop your way to the top; nothing can stop you. You recognise that things are only a great as the sum of their parts, so you spend time micromanaging each aspect of your life to ensure you’re on an upward trajectory. Don’t get too caught up in the grind that you forget to live.

Coco Pops: You’re mischievous, like the monkey on the front of coco pops boxes. Your escapades never cause harm though, and you’re always looking out for your mates.

Cheerios: Everyone knows you. When you walk down the street, birds tweet and rain clouds scatter. There isn’t a malicious bone in your body. Don’t be too kind though, if you go throwing everyone veritable lifebuoys of help you won’t have any time to help yourself. Balance is everything.

5 Valentine's Day.indd 5

floreat pica 13/02/2019 00:38

Trinity Valentine’s Cards Lidija Beric bribed a few pigeons to get hold of these...

Dear my Valentine, I can see it now, your excited face and trembling fingers as you prise open this card with a racing heart, filled with hope as you wonder who it could possibly be from. Is it the girl from the bus stop, who always seems to look at you from the corner of her eye? Or is it the one you always try to sit next to in lectures?

Or maybe the one you thought was just a friend has changed their mind and actually does like you! Hate to disappoint, but it’s only me. Just to say that you still haven’t paid me back for that (singles) takeout we got last Valentine’s Day. Pay up! ­— Hey cutie, I knew you wouldn’t get any Valentine’s cards this year, just going by the probability I calculated from my Bayesian statistical analysis of priors and posteriors based on the last ten years. But I didn’t want you to be left out (again). Now no one can say I’m not one caring big brother!

— Dear student, No, this is not a Valentine’s card (why you were expecting one is utterly beyond me). I would just like to remind you of your outstanding College Bill. Attached is the explanation of the fines charged each day after the deadline. I think you will find that yours comes to about 9,250 pounds. Yes, in addition to Clegg’s tuition fees. I’m afraid this is what happens when you try to do a three-year degree here with-

out ever responding to our payment letters. Trying to cheat the system!

You are in fact far worse than the college-law-abiding, punctually-fee-paying immigrants you tried so unjustly to get rid of with Brexit.

How’s that going, by the way?

Trinity College Fee Committee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (Please note that the x’s, which I am sure are the only ones you will receive this year, are not to be confused with this modern trend of using them to show ‘kisses’, whatever they may be. No, these are to show how many times you have failed to pay what you owe, which as you can see, are numerous—unlike the number of cards in your pigeonhole.) ­— My darling Valentine College Husband, I just want to say AGAIN, for what I hope will be the FINAL time, that I DON’T like you back, I NEVER will like you back, and I sincerely wish you would leave me ALONE. Yours never, A frustrated college spouse looking for a divorce. ­—­ Sweetheart, I couldn’t think of a better day than today, the 14th of February, the

floreat pica Valentine's Day.indd 6

day when the roses crowd in and the cards pile up outside your room and you are showered with chocolates and sweets and little cuddly bears, than to tell you that I want to friendzone you. I’ve thought long and hard, and I know I will never find anyone I want to friendzone more in all of eternity. I’m already looking forward to planning the friendzoning! We’ll have to pick the friendzone cake together but of course you mustn’t show me your dress till the day of! Also, if you’d like, we can even elope for the friendzoning ceremony—how passionately friendly! Let me know.

Your friend. ­— Darling, I just want to say that I really like you. But I have to confess…my College Mum has not given her blessing. So, we’re going to need to break up. Like, today. Sorry again.

I know three years is a long time. ­— My gorgeous, desirable, talented, funny, witty, adorable, sexy, stunning, complete snake of an ex, Please find enclosed what remains of our relationship. It should be a mouldy stick of celery (the dead roses were sold out, strangely enough).

Have a great Valentine’s Day (by yourself). But hey—at least it’s not the first time! (Nor the last). ­— Dear…

So…er…just in case we’re dating, Happy Valentine’s Day! (Better safe than sorry, eh?!).

6 13/02/2019 00:38

Valentine’s Poems Joshua Robey spins words for your enjoyment When life gave Rachel lemons, She made enough invisible ink To write letters to her true love, Without her ever knowing.

— Nigel kept stealing Sarah’s things, To get her to keep coming over, About the twelfth time, she confronted him, ‘Mate, this has got to stop, ‘I’m just not into you,’ she said, Taking back the lawnmower.

Nigel knew it wasn’t over though, Last time he’d been round to hers he’d nicked all her spoons, He could definitely eke that one out, A spoon a week for the next four months, There’s no way she wouldn’t fall in love with him.

Jacob could see the future, And Amy could read minds, He knew it would never last, And so did she.

— Jeff swallowed a marble for every time he’d had his heart broken, He jangled his way along the landing, His heart heavy, And his belly heavier, He whiled away the rest of Valentine’s Day pre-booking the plumber he’d need in 36 hours’ time, The sheer quantity of glass would inevitably lead to a blockage.

This Fine Institutionalisation

Grace Glevey’s relays wisdom concerned what lies outside College walls A wise woman once told me, ‘You leave Cambridge as less of an adult than when you came.’ But she went to Cambridge so I don’t know how wise she can be. Thinking about it, though, I think she has a point. I remember when I had to make my bed, take my bins out, get a job. Now if the bin is full, I make a nice neat pile next to the bin, maybe in another bag, or just keep stacking higher and higher on the pre-existing jenga tower of rubbish. Instead of a job, I have a loan and, if I run out of loan, I have an overdraft, timing it just right so when I hit its limit, I receive another loan. And the bed? Well I don’t even remember how to put on a duvet cover anymore! If this was Runescape, I’d be on level 0 cookery too. I’ve gained 0 skills in my kitchen (read: my pantry with a kettle and a microwave). But worst of all, I’m scared to leave. And I don’t just mean leaving and entering The Real World, with Jobs and BYOB (Being Your Own Bedder). No. I’m scared to leave day to day (I really want to say night to night but that’s just not really a thing, is it?). Truth is, I just don’t feel safe unless I’m behind the exclusive safety of a SALTO-lock door. Yes, I know that Cambridge is ‘safe’—I mean, more than half its population have been vetted by the uni—so there is hardly anything to worry about. But I have acclimatised to the welcoming zing and green light of the lock so much so that if it’s dark outside of this walled fortification, I will be needing a chaperone.

7 Valentine's Day.indd 7

floreat pica 13/02/2019 00:38

Cryptic Crossword Agnijo Banerjee’s brunch brainteaser

Email amc240@cam.ac.uk with the crossword answers by 23:59 on Sunday 3rd March to be in with a shot of winning the prize. The winner will be drawn at random from all completed solutions.

Prize: Slice of fudge & a signed copy of this week’s issue.

The winner will be announced in the next issue.

Last issue’s winner: Kerem Ergene

Get Involved Like what you’ve read?

Join the team.

Email: amc240@cam.ac.uk

Across 1 7 8 9

10 11 12 14 15 18 20 21 22 24 26 29 31

33 34 35 36

Other options affect indigenous peoples (12) Free pass for so long (3) Poet wrote endless poem about 6 (4) British tribe encounter freezing conditions in Northern Ireland (5) Brain for storing facts (4) Fish caught with cape (3) Expert circles top of mountain summit (4) Japanese lines say hello to regime change (5) Horse can be steered without hesitation (5) Examine old soldier (3) Corrupt cop is arresting one Roman general (6) Listen to original theatre organ (5) Ninja of old city back in Western alliance (6) Returning and in a cell (3) A limited officer on Territorial Army vessel (5) Taxi taken by gangster to a secret clique (5) President Donald of America: between a ton and a thousand (4) Vow proclaimed when Freud’s agent given a ring (3) ‘Star Wars’ Emperor (4) Spy books follow another era (5) Second, not first—dubious (4)

37 38

Allow to be leased (3) Interrogate Biblical author? (12)

Down 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 13 16 17 18 19 20 23 25 27 28 30 32

One memory, one fragrance (5) Edward perishes in whirlpools (6) Niche in the Arabic Bay (6) Surrounded pupils begin homework in Dublin (5) Mournful 16 Down precedes Gaelic play (7) Some French devil: one character in play (9) Two lead god of love bearing second valve (8) Communist-leading man (3) First highlight in green copy (4) Drink before a play (5) Express anger about cold chamber (9) Rat moves jacket (8) Blend first, skimming off top of fat, then mix (4) Suggest gold for painting (7) Three-directional console (3) Ocean dwellers going off-topic about love (6) A victory cut short on court (6) Flower had plenty going round university (5) Canoe can go back and forth (5)

floreat pica Valentine's Day.indd 8

Agnijo Banerjee with help from Andrew Sellek

8 13/02/2019 00:38

Romantic Films Re-Imagined

One-Liners

Alexander Chamberlain doctors some scripts

Things We’d Like to Find in Our Pigeonholes

To All the Boys I’ve Dumped Before

When a popular girl is dumped by her long-time boyfriend, she feels alone. Her friends are all in relationships and the fun times they used to have together are distant memories. Desperate to find love again, her friends convince her to write a series of letters to all of her exes in a bid to win them back.

Rich Crazy Asians

When Nick, a member of an eccentric Singaporean family, gets his hands on a winning lottery ticket, his life is turned upside down forever. But will his newfound fame make up for his peculiar personality and odd quirks?

Love, In Actual Fact

A very well-spoken man finds love, only to turn her away with his pedantry. Can he salvage the situation and win her heart (just a muscle to him) or is his desire to correct grammar simply to strong?

Call Me Username

by

Your

In a dystopian future, all relationships begin online.

Who dates whom is dictated by the will of an AI algorithm.

9 Valentine's Day.indd 9

Unwilling to submit to the system, one young man attempts to break free from the mould and find love in the real world.

Words of wisdom from Travisty’s writers

A lexander Chamberlain A Time-Turner.

Blah Blah Land

Told from the perspective of her baby, a single mother sets out to find love, but soon realises that juggling dates with changing diapers is no easy task.

Gigantic

In 2088, humanity is beginning to colonise the stars. When the newest spaceship, Gigantic, sets of on her maiden voyage, hoping to achieve the fastest crossing to Mars, two unlikely lives cross paths. Romance blooms, but as the ship begins to malfunction, what will be left after their ill-fated voyage?

Grace Glevey A 1st Class degree.

Lidija Beric A magic carpet...to whisk me away from you.

Mina Frost Academic validation.

Muhammad M anji Something other than my College Bill or a death threat from the TV licensing man.

The 40-Year-Old Mathmo The plot for this is fairly selfexplanatory.

Four Funerals and a Wedding

Poor Jane is a four-time widower. She finds love in the most unexpected of places, falling for the priest who carries out the funerals for her late husbands. A tragic tale of love and loss.

Olivia Horne A reminder to write my one-liner in time.

Simon Warrener A Valentine’s Day card.

Shavindra Jayasekera A pigeon.

floreat pica 13/02/2019 00:38

What’s On in Cambridge Mina Frost gives you some events for your calendar We’re over halfway through term now, so it’s important to make time for things other than work. Here are a few suggestions:

• Head over to St John’s Picturehouse today at 7pm (or 10pm for the later showing) to see Blackkklansman! Tickets are £4—make sure to get there early because queues are generally long!

• Clare Jazz’s annual Battle of the Big Bands returns to Clare Cellars! Come and see three of Cambridge’s top bands (Selwyn Jazz, Fitz Swing and Churchill Jazz Band) play from 8.30pm on Saturday 23rd of February.

• Conquer the Week 5 gloom and head to Jesus College Chapel tonight at 9pm for their “Week 5 Blues and Chill”, featuring tunes and beanbags—a perfect chance to relax!

Weather Forecast Mina Frost uses her surname to predict the Cambridge weather IT’S RAINING MEN, HALLELUJAH IT’S RAINING MEN, AMEN— Just kidding. As per usual, it’s drizzling. Great Court is officially saltier than my supervisor waiting for me to hand in essays and one finally starts to understand why the library sells blankets— turns out pages from the Anglo-Saxon chronicles make very poor thermal covers. Geri Halliwell, wherever you are, please take me there?

Ingredients

2 Measure of crabapple cider

Cocktail of the Week

Forbidden Fruit

Fresh from the Master’s Garden

1 apple from Greg’s private collection 4 fig leafs (optional) 1 snake

Method 1.

Use fig leaves to cover privates

3.

Mix fresh apple juice and cider

2.

4.

5.

floreat pica Valentine's Day.indd 10

Give in to the snakes’ temptations Serve with a dose of rebellion Bottoms up

10 13/02/2019 00:38

How To Get a Crushbridge Olivia Horne answers the question everyone secretly wants to ask Having been tagged in hundreds of Crushbridges (of varying levels of accuracy, it’s true), I am clearly an expert in this field. Luckily for you, I’m generous in my success, so, specially for Valentine’s Day, I’ve put together this list of my top tips.

1. Wear something memorable. Get yourself noticed. And I don’t mean wear a red coat or a yellow scarf – if you’re doing this, you’ve got to commit. What’s worked best for me in the past is a banana costume, but, of course, other fruits are also available.

2. Make intense eye contact with everyone you pass. This may mean walking into a few lampposts, but bruises bring out your eyes, and if you get hit by a bike, perfect! –Addenbrookes is a great place to meet people.

3. Go to the library. Arrive when it opens, and don’t leave until you’ve found at least one Crushbridge you can apply to yourself. The librarians may not like having physically to remove you when the library closes, but all’s fair in love and war.

4. Last, but not least, be blonde. There’s no getting around it, you’re going to have to dye your hair.

Everyone knows, blondes have more fun. That applies to Crushbridge too.

Disclaimer: I accept no responsibility for the consequences of following this advice. Unless you’re successful, in which case, I would like to claim a fee.

Missed an Issue?

Read Travisty Online www.issuu.com / travistytrinity

11 Valentine's Day.indd 11

floreat pica 13/02/2019 00:38

RON Suffers Shock Defeats Simon Warrener reports on hustings and how RON lost all his seats

To record the highlight of everyone’s Lent social calendar I was dispatched on behalf of Travisty to the TCSU hustings. Unfortunately, the inclement weather meant I was unable to view the first two candidates, and so they are judged on their manifestos only; the others on both their manifestos and their performance at the hustings.

The event itself ran flawlessly; any spreading rumours of microphone issues should be reported to your local commissariat TCSU official immediately. The winners have their names highlighted in bold.

Computing and Publicity Officer

Kiran has plenty of relevant experience in coding, web design, and photography and so is ideally suited to the job. He promises to update the website and continue the weekly bulletin informing us of what is going on around college. He appears to be skilled at the manipulation of Facebook.

BME Officer

Wanipa wishes to unite the BME community and make it more visible. She is calling for racial and religious tolerance workshops for all first-year students. She also wishes to improve the number of cultural celebrations and build a better relationship with BME students from other colleges.

Access Officer

Travisty’s own Grace ran a brilliant campaign based on a desire to give members of the college more influence out of term. She wisely wishes for Trinity to advertise the money available to give access talks in schools around the country. Grace

also expressed her wish to reform the rent system but acknowledged the huge difficulties inherent in trying to run against the quite literal brick wall that is accommodation office. Scholarship privileges were said to not be a priority, and an extensive data harvesting program would be carried out for the purpose of improving fresher’s events.

Upon being asked how she would juggle her extensive commitments Grace nobly indicated she would be willing sacrifice theatre in her quest to improve access at Trinity.

Male Welfare Officer

Ben gave a stunningly original speech, focusing on the reasons why he was uniquely suited for the position. His innovate ‘condoms and formals’ take on the old, Roman ‘panem et circenses’ idea will surely allow him to secure this position against considerable opposition. He also believes that there should be more mental health resources and wishes to increase the training given to TCSU, making it more about ‘protecting themselves.’

Female Welfare Officer

Jennifer gave an original speech, believing that people should feel at home when they are at College. She spoke on the need to ensure people are capable of trusting TCSU and the college. She says that it is important for the college to adapt to the arrival of the ‘new Cambridge student', ensuring that the welfare and bursary systems are going to be able to adapt to the increase in claimants. In looking out for the college staff she believes that the college should seek living wage accreditation. The idea of

floreat pica Valentine's Day.indd 12

welfare swaps was also floated, so you can find out that people from other colleges have it even worse than we do.

Gurpreet led with her desire to develop the college family system, wishing to keep those relationships going beyond the first term at Cambridge, and wished to set up new systems to ensure that this remains the case. She strongly believed in continuing the current welfare teas policy. Her flagship policy was to improve the availability of sexual health supplies around college, making vending machines provide more than just condoms.

The idea of putting such machines in Hall and the library was also suggested, presumably so you can find new and innovate ways of getting Deaned during formals or make the late nights in the library a little more interesting.

Ents Officer

Izzy came in with an interesting angle, promising more charity and fundraising events, claiming that she had personal connections which would allow this to take place. Under Izzy there would be a drive for more inter-college events, hopefully with topical and interesting themes. There would be a publicity drive for these events, and increased feedback to allow the events to be as good as possible. During the Q&A we were informed that there would be a zero-tolerance policy for any illegal immigrant taking our discounted club tickets.

Angie has been to every single Trinity ent during her time at College and was proposed by two

12 13/02/2019 00:38

current TCSU members. One idea was themed formal such as a Harry Potter (READ ANOTHER BOOK—Ed.) formal, although the plan of live owls was shot down by the current committee. She plans to increase the number of Cindies tickets available and ensure that there are more non-alcoholic drinks. A bizarre suggestion was to hold a naked bop, although it was conceded that this may not happen.

We in the audience were informed that Angie would seek to improve democracy in the ents process, as we all know voters can never be wrong, on anything, ever.

Alma boasted of being to every single Friday Fez in the previous term, which is a hard achievement to beat. She believes that Ents should be accessible to everyone and that there should be more than just bops. She too spoke of holding intercollegiate events and sought to hire out more venues as Trinity does not have one suitable for large events. There was a call for more events in the bar, and the suggestion of the installation of a Karaoke machine. Worryingly she concluded with a dangerous suggestion that an event should be held with Oxford. We fear that would be the beginning of the end.

Overseas Welfare Officer

Ludvig made a strong start, informing the assembled crowds in the bar how much he loved Trinity as a college. He spoke on the need to improve international freshers’ week and introduce segregation to ensure that international students were given their own college families. He then went on a segue, promising to make the Eurovision watching event the best that it possible could be. Ludvig also wished to make information available to international students sooner. He finished his speech by conceding

13 Valentine's Day.indd 13

the job would be difficult due to uncertainties surrounding Brexit and wished that Cambridge would pursue an American style foreign policy.

Lee believes that Trinity’s greatest asset is its diverse student body, allowing for a wide range of experiences and viewpoints to be brought forward. He too believes that international freshers’ week must be improved and wishes to strengthen the role of the international contact in preparing new students for arrival at Trinity. Lee believes in improving the provision of Halal food in hall, wishing to work closely with the junior steward to do so. He called for more regular social events. The problems associated with a no deal Brexit did not escape him. Lee noted that his Singaporean heritage would give him the ability to easily connect with other cultures.

Ilsu speaks five languages, which she assured us will be invaluable in her role as international welfare officer. She led with an ambitious and innovative plan to translate first the TCSU website, and then the entire Cambridge university website to improve the situation for international students, conceding that this plan would take years to complete.

She also floated an idea about a Trinity College app, which would make finding information easier for all students who are unaware of mobile web browsers. Ilsu also wished to improve international freshers’ week and set up international career’s advice. She fended off a difficult question, confirming that she holds no hatred for the Armenians, Cypriots, or Kurds because of her Turkish background.

Junior Steward

Benedict started in a somewhat unconventional manner, assuring those present of his love for and

competence at boring, administrative tasks; the reader is invited to reach their own conclusions on this topic. Setting up a society would be made easier, and the college would be encouraged to properly label allergens during non-formal hall.

He also will ask for a wider range of meals to be offered in Hall.

Non-Alcoholic tickets for formals were another idea, although members of the audience quickly noted that historically this system was open to abuse. A booking system for seats at formals was also floated, with the intent being that you will be able to know in advance that you shall not be sitting with your friends.

Oliver also believes that it should be easier to set up societies, although conceded that there are no flashy policies for such an uninteresting topic. He believes that this will allow Trinity to become more sociable. Chaplains squash shall be reformed, as after the freshers’ formal is apparently not the best time for it. The idea of a super formal, with a cheese course and port was suggested and there would be a return to Tuesday formals, although with increased number of guest tickets available in order to offset the historical low demand. Oliver stated he would try to seek a return to bringing your own wine to formal but conceded that he may not be a match for the Dean in this respect. He concluded by assuring us that he will encourage the College to serve better wine, without just throwing money at the problem.

Mental Health and Disabled Welfare Officer

Maddy gave a strong speech, noting the problems that many disabled students face around Cambridge, and wishing to improve access wherever possible. She spoke about the need to ensure that disa-

floreat pica 13/02/2019 00:38

bled people, and those with mental health issues are not put off applying because of any perceived or actual stigma. Travisty believes that this is an immensely serious topic and thus will shall not be making any jokes about it.

Environment and Domestic Officer

Teen Jui promised to only promise us what he could guarantee would be achieved. He therefore promised us nothing. He did focus his plans more on the domestic side of the role, expressing his wish for better cooking facilities across college.

He would also seek improvements to the heating system and called for bathtubs to be changed into showers were possible. More fridges should be made available and he called for recycling and compost bins in the kitchens.

Puria said that sustainable living must be achieved even if it means sacrificing our quality of life. His call for the college to install solar panels on its buildings would be unobtainable due to the listed status of nearly all buildings that college owns, but his idea of new, more energy efficient fridges would produce some, small savings. He, like so many before him, called for the college to divest and he wishes for food to become more environmentally friendly.

Women’s Officer

Eliza is a ‘stereotypical angry feminist.’ She has had many formative experiences, which have shaped her view on feminist issues. One of her ideas was a write in system where women could record their experiences of sexism within college. An idea was floated for women only events, although the previous one that happened in the college got the national press involved, so it is important to tread lightly here.

There was a call for the gender attainment gap to be tackled, although no specific policies on the issue were given.

Treasurer

Tiffany is very good at making deals, (although not the best? – Ed.) She expressed her desire to secure better discounts around the week at local restaurants. There was also a call to improve the college gym, perhaps by improving airflow to the building. She described the current JCR as already good and expressed her desire for better systems of fixing damage, although questions from the floor noted that it ends up being TCSU paying for the damage caused by students.

Tiffany also expressed her desire to remove sofas from the lower JCR and replace them with beanbags and a table tennis table; meaning there will soon be even more distractions as you relax to watch your favourite lecture.

LGBT+ Welfare Officer

(In the interest of my future career there shall be no jokes on this topic— Ed) Tom has an inner drive and is not going anywhere. He called for an increase in social activities available for LGBT+ students and for an increase in contact with other colleges to help in this respect. He wants to create a showcase for the diverse array of LGBT+ culture around the college.

Ishbel wants to build a strong community for LGBT+ individuals within college by offering a range of alcoholic and non-alcoholic events. She called for a social alternative to the highly political CUSU campaigns. She called for more intersectionality and talk and film nights to explore these different perspectives. There will be a push for gender neutral bathrooms

floreat pica Valentine's Day.indd 14

and Ishbel wants to be seen as an approachable face around college.

Alex wants to focus on the welfare aspect of the job he is running for.

He called for a reinvigoration of the colleges LBGT+ society to create a better atmosphere around college.

He also wants to get involved with the university wide CUSU liberation campaigns, believing them to be an important aspect of the fight for political equality.

Vice-President

Alex noted, wisely, that the Vice-Presidentship has two distinct parts that overlap. He wants to improve the noticeboard and TV screen use around college, believing it to be wrong that they still show the same things as they did at the start of the year. He is not afraid to chase people up if necessary and promises to deliver a good freshers handbook.

President

Emily was last year’s treasurer, so she has contacts within the college that would be invaluable in the running of the new committee.

She wants to continue the policies from last year, such as installing the lights on the way to Burrells.

Emily remains committed to the idea of Democracy although she assured us that she would design any questionnaires in such a way as to nudge us into thinking the correct way on the important issues. It is good to be in such safe hands.

NB. At Travisty we are proud of our journalistic integrity and thus any complaints arising from implications, explicit or otherwise, within this article should refer to the reply given in the case of Arkell v. Pressdram (1971).

14 13/02/2019 00:38

Uncle A

Travisty’s agony uncle returns to solve your most pressing concerns Dear Uncle A, Where is the best place to live in College? There are so many factors to consider: from living with friends, to good location, cooking facilties, to avoiding moth infestations, how should I go about my choice.

House hunter Dear house hunter, Great Court is too posh. New Court is too modern. Burrel’s is too far. Neville’s is too competitive. Whewell’s is too loud. I don’t even know where Pearce is. Bishops is too niche.

Hope that answers your question.

Uncle A — Dear Uncle A What’s the secret to a long, healthy, and happy life?

Foreward thinker Dear foreward thinker, Exercise twice a week, eat plenty of fresh vegetables and don’t smoke.

Uncle A — Dear Uncle A How do I find love in Trinity?

Lonely soul

Dear lonely soul, Sometimes things happen when you least expect them—so don’t expect anything and good things will come your way!

Uncle A

15 Valentine's Day.indd 15

Romantic Walks in Cambridge Muhammad Manji treks far and wide Contrary to popular belief, Cam-

bridge is a romantic place. You heard me right; behind the constant work crises, unexaggerated existential dread and toxic ideas about work/ life balance there is a beautiful quaint British town filled with its own complicated history. If you look hard enough.

And I know when people think of romantic European getaways their mind will wander to the streets of Paris, or the charming landscapes of Tuscany. Unfortunately, you’re far too close to your overdraft limit to even consider a weekend away, even if you had the time. No matter, there are plenty of romantic destinations in Cambridge.

One major appeal of Cambridge is that you can walk everywhere.

Okay, maybe not Girton; I mean everywhere relevant. And there are plenty of romantic routes to try out in Cambridge, my personal favourite is the winding path to Grantchester—partly because I always get lost on the way back and, for a fleeting moment, think that I will never see Cambridge again.

Of course, there are many closer options—I often see people pacing the University Library looking for a par-

ticular book and struggling to read their own handwriting. Is that a 4 or a 9? One small error can lead to a three-hour diversion, a lovely way to spend your afternoon.

The most popular route in Cambridge is down Kings parade, whether you’re strolling through the hordes of tourists trying to make lectures on time, or just going for a leisurely stroll to hand in your supervision work that was due 22 hours ago, it is a route I thoroughly recommend, my personal highlight of the trip is getting racially profiled by punt tour guides who think I’m a tourist.

Another popular favourite is going down Burrell’s walk, you know that path between Burrell’s field and the UL. What really makes this route is the added thrill of being hit by a cyclist going past, which makes it an especially good choice for young lovers trying to get an adrenaline rush on their mundane walk home.

I hope I’ve convinced you that Cambridge is a nice place to live and it’s worth leaving your room every now and then for a breath of fresh air. If I haven’t, then I can only applaud you for not giving in to optimism so easily. Who am I kidding? This place is a hellhole.

Write for Travisty Come to Writers’ Group!

8:00 pm Mondays in the JCR Email: amc240@cam.ac.uk

floreat pica 13/02/2019 00:38

Horoscopes Alexander Chamberlain, mastering the mystic arts, reads your stars

Aries

Someone is coming towards you.

Tall, confident, attractive. They’re coming fast. Of all the people they could have chosen, they chose you. They’re hurtling towards you know. What will you do? How will you react? Too late, they bulldoze you to the ground. I guess rugby isn’t your thing.

Taurus

Valentine’s Day may be over, but I know that someone will come along and shoot an arrow through your heart.

Stay away from the Varsity archery match this weekend.

Oxford have really bad aim.

Gemini

You’ve lost something recently. Something very dear to you. You’re going to struggle for the time being without it.

For the future, remember: if you like something, then you should put a ring on it.

Cancer

Lub dub. Lub dub. Your heart skips a beat. You just can’t stop thinking about them. Or your irregular heartbeat. One of these is more pressing than the other.

Cover photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Valentine's Day.indd 16

Leo

Don’t be down. So you landed in the friendzone. Look on the bright side, you’ve doubled your friend count in one week. Soon you might even have enough friends to celebrate your birthday!

Virgo

What does your future hold?

That is a million-dollar question—well above my paygrade. You might want to phone a friend for this one.

Libra

I place my fingers on the heart shaped planchette and ask the Ouija board whether you will find love. Slowly, the small piece of wood draws my fingers from letter to letter.

NO.

Scorpio

Tea leaves are an age-old fortune telling device, so to discern your future I took a trip to Café Nero.

I stomached an entire cup of Lapsang Souchong just for you. Turns out they use teabags. Cheapskates.

floreat pica

Sagittarius

Often, the best things in life come by chance. Who knew you’d get hit by a bike yesterday. Now you’re getting an £800 payout. Who’s laughing now?

Capricorn

You looked up your compatibility with your crush and realised that you’re only 17% compatible. Tough luck.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but not if you carry you on using single-use plastic straws.

Aquarius

King Henry VIII had six wives, whereas you can’t even manage six words to your crush. Don’t fret. You know what they say: silence is powerful. If you keep staring at them across Hall I’m sure you’ll draw them in.

Pisces

Carpe diem. Veni, vidi, vici.

Caecilius est in horto. All good mottos are in Latin.

You don’t speak Latin but you know that they must mean something good. Something real good.

16 13/02/2019 00:38