Travisty 18 (#83)

TRAVISTY #18

May Week fully finalised.indd 1

Freshers’ Week Edition

floreat pica

08/10/2019 23:54:42

Letter from the Editors

Simon Warrener, Lidija Beric, Timour Antonov, and Shavindra Jayasekera

H O P E

introduce Trinity’s favourite newspaper

ello and welcome (back) to Trinity, Cambridge’s premier boycott target. We at Travisty hope you are settling in well and have enjoyed your first week here in Cambridge. It’s important to keep aware of the news during this turbulent time, and we at Travisty are here to keep you informed of the latest events occuring in and around College. f course the good times won’t last, ignoring unimportant issues such as work, the fact remains that the number of free drinks will decline along with the quantity of free food.

We at Travisty hope you have realised by now which of this is the more serious of these problems. artying. College has not yet found a clause in its ordinances which allows it to ban this, so they must merely content themselves with restricting alcohol intake as much as they can.

nough said about prohibition. There is a lot to enjoy here in Cambridge and it can’t be overstressed that you should get involved, even if the mountain of work that has just been dumped on you seems insurmountable. You can make a start on this right here and now by reading our wonderful articles. Hope you enjoy.

The Four Socialites Simon Warrener Simon continues overlordship of Travisty, so, rather fittingly, gives the details on Trinity’s master.

his and you new

Timour A ntanov Timour has not been seen since the May Ball.

floreat pica May Week fully finalised.indd 2

Shavindra Jayekesera

Shavindra remains an ethical man, reaching new heights in his mission to ensure that nothing unsuitable ever gets published in Travist. As they say, the only winning move is not to play.

Lidija Beric Lidija starts her crusade against censorship, bringing you the unquestioned truth about life at Cambridge.

2 08/10/2019 23:54:42

In This Issue

Meet the creative team behind this week’s issue 2

Letter from the Editors Travisty Editors

3

This Issue’s Contributors Travisty Editors

4

Warnings to Freshers

5

Light’s will Guide you Home Grace Glevey

6

Seven Reasons to Look forward to Michaelmas Helena DG Cryptic Crossword Agnijo Banerjee and Josh Payne

7

Lidija Beric

8

Trinity’s Plan to Save the Planet Yuriy Tumarkin

9

USS Investigation into Trinity Oil Involvement Isaac Chilcott

10 Advertisement Cocktail of the Week 11 Caption Contest

Simon Warrener Travisty Editors

12 Trinity’s New Management Simon Warrener 14 Travisty to Boycott Trinity Joshua Robey 16 Horoscopes

Muhammad Manji

Agnijo Banerjee Gives us another cryptic crossword

Grace Glevey Is a moth

Joshua Robey Lost the draw to make an unpopular announcement

Isaac Chilcott Is our correspondent shipping forecast.

with

the

A lexander Chamberlain Follows in the footsteps of David Cameron.

Helena DG Keeps a positive attitude in the face of major changes.

Muhammad M anji Sees shapes in the stars

Yuriy Tumarkin Is impressed with the reforms done by the College

3 May Week fully finalised.indd 3

floreat pica 08/10/2019 23:54:43

Warnings to Freshers Lidija improves on Varsity’s rather censored ‘ letters to freshers’ series How to (realistically) balance academic and extra-curricular life: Not sure how to navigate the scary world of freshers’ fair and the temptation of free mugs in exchange for a lifetime of unwanted emails from societies that probably shouldn’t exist and in which you’ll continue to disappointingly show no interest (Lessons-in-Laundry society when you can just take it home-really?)

Want to get involved with rowing and theatre but frightened of not keeping up with your standard 2-33 essays a week? This is your crash survival course to doing everything you want to do, and none of what you don’t want to do, broken down into easy-to-follow steps by yours truly.

1.

Doing a degree is not why you’re here. Rowing is.*

2. Be prepared to skip supos in the name of extra rowing training. Trust me, any annoyance on the part of your supervisors will be entirely outweighed by the smile on Shavindra’s face knowing how much you’re willing to sacrifice for this life-or-death sport. (Literally; wait till the extra early starts in Lent due to the added prep work of using the oars to crack open a patch on the Cam large enough for the boatnever mind that you’ve frozen over by the time you’re due to board).

3. Plus, your supervisors won’t even mind that much. Not after they find out that you’re just taking their advice to ‘stay healthy’ truly to heart.

4. Be prepared for extra-curricular to not only swallow your academic life, but your whole life, (and it’ll swallow it whole too; extra-curriculars don’t tend to nibble).

5.

Some things are just more important than work. Like everything.

6. Honestly, take it easy this year. In most cases, it doesn’t even count, and even if it does, did Kant never teach you to think critically? Ask yourself for whom. Future employers? But that’s in the future.

The rest of your life? But carpe diem, my fresher friend. Carpe diem.

7. Which also happens to be the motto of possibly the most renowned and esteemed Trinity society, the...

Trinity Terror Society, known more commonly as the TrintErrorSoc. If you’ve managed to read this far into Travisty, you’re exactly the sort of member we’re looking for.

Dedicated to worthless causes and pathetic attempts at jokes. In this case, practical jokes. Keep your eyes peeled for recruitment opportunities, only in Travisty (since several suspicious accidents to other society stalls had us banned from advertising in Chaplain’s Squash a few centuries back).

Upcoming events include blowing up Great Fountain, setting the chapel on fire and our most ambitious kidnapping escapade for the great Trinity bonfire night yet.

And if you’re thinking this sounds like far too prestigious a society to even dream of joining, you’ll see our members’ short life expectancy as rather good news. It means we’re constantly looking for fresh(ers’) blood to spill. *Becoming a thesp is also an acceptable explanation for your continued presence here.

floreat pica May Week fully finalised.indd 4

4 08/10/2019 23:54:44

Light’s Will Guide You Home Grace Glevey reads unnecessary symbolism into some lights John Milton wrote “Long is the way and hard, that out of Hell leads up to light.” Now, I trust Milton to tell me about what is long and hard (because ‘Paradise Lost’ is both, believe you me - don’t cheapen yourself, dear reader) but this is also, surely, an apt reading of the new infrastructure. For students coming from their solitary rooms, to the safe society of mainsite, the lights represent warmth, community, the sacred, love and, dare I say, the coming of our redeemer, Professor Dame Sally Davies.

We’ve all been there. Spending one hour too long at your friend’s place in Burrell’s Fields, realising the sun has set but nevertheless you start back to the College proper. Only, upon crossing the bridge, you are thrust into complete darkness and - oh no! - you’ve forgotten your torch!

Suddenly disoriented, you don’t know which way is left, right, up or down. It’s like an episode of ‘Jungle Run’ but a lot less fun, and somehow with a much smaller budget.

Well those days are behind us now as we’ve finally got lights on the way to Burrell’s Fields and this truly marks a new beginning for us. Wow. Beginnings. That’s like Genesis, you know the bit that’s like, ‘And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.’ Yeah. Just like that. Except instead of ‘God’ it’s ‘twenty generations of TCSU committees’, and instead of the full-stop after light it’s an ellipsis (to emphasise the duration of time passed). These are formidable times for the College. 2019 has seen the appointment of the first female Master, the first outing of the Pride Flag and Orchids, a “redecoration” of the College gym and now the new lights. Truly enLIGHTening times, I think you’ll all agree. Every time we walk past those lights, we should think of all the committees that have campaigned for them as they stand there resolutely. Let them become a symbol of student democracy, pillars of free speech, years of nagging, more universally helpful than free tampons, more profound than free laundry. Now, we can tread this path together with wandering steps and slow, with the ability to see each other, to see where we’re headed, without fear.

This quote of Plato that I found on Goodreads and haven’t fact checked was arguably the most persuasive argument TCSU could have ever used: “We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” Touching stuff. (I honestly weep at the thought of men being afraid of their own greatness.) Trinity, for all too long, has been afraid of the light: the light that would guide us to and from Burrells, the gym, freedom, safely. These lights represent more than the ability to see, they also represent the ability to be seen. Everyone in College should feel visible, whether that’s in societies, academics, or just walking home at night. It’s important to always know where we stand. And yes, the romantics among us may mourn the loss of that little patch of land free from light pollution which afforded us an unparalleled glimpse of the stars on a clear and meditative night. But what right have we to see the stars if we can’t face what’s right in front of us?

(N.B: The lights still have to comply with the ‘Student Switch Off’ Initiative which aims to reduce electricity consumption. So good luck finding the switch in the dark!)

5 May Week fully finalised.indd 5

floreat pica 08/10/2019 23:54:44

7 Reasons to Look Forward to Michaelmas term Helena DG offers some inspiration for the masses 1. New (academic) year, new room - not quite as catchy as “new year, new you” but it will have to do. Nothing beats the excitement of knowing exactly how you plan to decorate your room only to never actually get round it.

2. Following the trend of “new (academic) year, new you”, Michaelmas is a great time to spend £30. On formal tickets, bops, or new stationary? Nope. Why buy something functional when you can buy a Trin gym membership? Luckily most of us don’t even make it to the induction.

3. Talking of formals, following the long summer, Michaelmas seems like a great time to rekindle those friendships. And why not actually go to a BA formal this year? It’s the perfect formal because you never actually end up finding a BA student/ the time to go. (Finally, some money saved)!

4. Of course, the new year means new faces! And what better faces than your own college family’s? I emphasise new faces, as after week one, you are unlikely to see (or, in many tragic cases, recognise) each other again.

5. Naturally, the Guy Fawkes fireworks and bonfire is something to look forward to! It really makes a change seeing something other than your life, hopes, and dreams go up in flames.

6. And who can talk of Michaelmas without citing Halloween? Of course the Halloween bop is a point of excitement! Your costume might not be scary, but not to worry - your credit card expenditure after those free drink tokens run out will be hella scary.

7. Last, and almost definitely least: TrAviStY ! …did someone say entertaining, insightful, inspirational, (insert any other word that you wouldn’t find on your supervisor’s end of term report) journalism?*1 Nope, ok must have misheard because of the delightful combination of freshers flu and antarctic room temperatures. *1 If you don’t believe me consider how many innovative articles you have recently read where the content was SO good that a list of 7 (aka the worst number) didn’t even detract from the content - (the content already does that for itself). I’m betting on a likelihood of 0.

floreat pica May Week fully finalised.indd 6

6 08/10/2019 23:54:44

Cryptic Crossword Agnijo Banerjee’s brunch brainteaser

Email smw86@cam.ac.uk with the crossword answers by 23:59 on Sunday 27th October to be in with a shot of winning the prize. The winner will be drawn at random from all completed solutions.

Prize: Slice of fudge & a signed copy of this week’s issue.

The winner will be announced in the next issue.

Last issue’s winner: Imogen Grant

Get Involved Like what you’ve read?

Join the team.

Email: smw86@cam.ac.uk

Across 1 4, 9

8 9 10 11 14

15 18 20 21 24 25 26

Assume map-makers are stuck in a hole (5) Warren Li’s one: top grade, surprisingly, and ranked first! (6,8) Perhaps they join to make a decree (13) See 4 Across Religious leader in a fake hermitage (6) Vehicle breakdown might attract an animal (6) Satirical statements? Measurements led by two irrationals (8) Right - not write, right! (8) Scientist cast in play (6) Stand or sit for it here, mostly to start degree (6) Knock out two commanders back with large fruit (8) Organic painkiller, one perhaps? (7,6) Led Zeppelin’s gas - dead explosive (6) I hear crying and rows (5)

Down 1 2

3 4

5

6

7 12

13 16 17 19 22 23

Peasant doesn’t have university publication (5) Before about half past twelve, he’d say he had not poodles (7) Monster delights in causing trouble (5) Back of boat seeking inside help, a returning angle perhaps (9) Mathematician found conclusion of Michelson- Morley experiment (7) Choose Michael, potentially after losing Eric at first, to do with his eyes, perhaps? (9) Wrong and crazy nut has regret (6) Touring Canberra with Elvis? To begin with, that’s unusual (9) The captured German and communist roared (9) Placed, indeed appointed, as a substitute (7) Story about heartless crook’s attempt (6) Sound space in bar (7) Attempt to win support of angel, perhaps (5) Doughnut or, usually, somewhat bagel-shaped (5)

7 May Week fully finalised.indd 7

Agnijo Banerjee with Josh Payne and Andrew Sellek

floreat pica 08/10/2019 23:54:45

Trinity Reveals its Plan to Save the Planet Yuriy Tumarkin publishes leaked documents As climate change continues to be the number one issue everyone is worried about but nothing actually seems to be done to help, our reporters set out to investigate what our very own college is doing to save the planet. They have talked to a senior fellow who explains that climate change is an existential risk: ‘Trinity takes the threat of climate change extremely seriously. We thrive due to our reputation and prestige, and who will appreciate our list of Nobel prize winners or our 1.4 billion pound endowment once humanity dies out?’

Hence, in addition to investing in fossil fuel companies, Trinity is helping to prevent a possible climate catastrophe in the following ways: Food policy: In an effort to promote more energy-efficient cooking appliances, Trinity has tried to minimise the number of ovens in college. ‘We do admit the Wolfson building is still a big flaw in this project, and are doing all we can to resolve this problem as quickly as possible’, a fellow responded to a question as to why some ovens do in fact still operate within the college. In addition, the college is discouraging the students from consuming rice and beef, both sources of methane in the atmosphere, by banning rice cookers and overcooking the steaks served in hall.

Grass policy: Trinity has classed the grass in Great Court and Nevile’s Court as a ‘unique biome of national importance’, and hence in an effort to preserve this amazing ecosystem it maintains a strict policy of not allowing students to walk on the grass. Asked why this does not apply to fellows, the response was that the fellows are in fact part of the ecosystem, and that one of the reasons for the magnitude of the preservation efforts is the fact that the grass is the fellows’ only natural habitat.

Transportation policy:

The university as a whole does not allow students to own cars, but Trinity’s transport policy goes much further than that, with the introduction of a £1000 scholarship for students who arrive to college by bicycle. In addition to encouraging a green method of transportation, college says that it serves to counteract the increasing consumerism of our society. ‘If you can’t bring all your stuff by bike, you have too much stuff, plain and simple’ - a senior fellow tells us - ‘you know, back in my day when students came up to college on horseback, we took only the bare necessities, not like the students nowadays...’

Finally, as a method of defence in case the above is not quite sufficient to prevent the worst, Trinity is stockpiling sandbags in the cellars. ‘Our walls were built to withstand artillery attacks from John’s, not floodwaters’ - a fellow explains - ‘so we recently had a big meeting with all of our engineer fellows, and decided this course of action was the simplest and most effective - cause you know what? A billion pounds can buy you a hell of a lot of sandbags.’

floreat pica May Week fully finalised.indd 8

8 08/10/2019 23:54:45

USS Investigation Reveals Trinity Oil Involvement Isaac Chilcott has the latest twist in the saga Travisty can expose a direct role played by Trinity, working with the US government, in transporting oil to Guantanamo Bay. An act predicted to produce a unity among human rights, environmental, and decolonisation campaigners more coherent than The Trinity itself.

Additionally, a sizable contingent of Trinity’s mathmo population are deeply affronted by this participation given five-sided documents covered in a Welsh emblem revealed detainees were exposed to direct sunlight as frequently as once a month.

Furthermore, archives reveal that Trinity sought cover from Pope during its involvement in oil transportation in East Asia. Such association no doubt caused, commonly believed deceased, Trinity College founder Henry VIII to explode with rage (more so than the decaying products of his gluttony).

When asked for a statement a member of the college said, “Wait, aren’t you referring to US Navy warships?”. Eagle-eyed readers will note this is actually a question.

Nevertheless, the wartime missions of oil transporter USS Trinity and destroyer USS Pope remain telling. Indeed, the journeys of the College’s distant maritime cousin are potentially highly revealing regarding the future of the institution.

Trinity dominated the harbour of Tompkinsville for a period during the 1930s before being redeployed to minor duties in Norfolk. Whilst there is no suggestion Trinity has yet fallen to such dismal and depressing depths as Norfolk, drifting in the Tompkins rankings continues to hurt college members’ egos. With fears of Norfolk fuelling the Dean’s increasingly puritanical cries that only hard work and academic devotion can match Christ’s.

A similar fall from grace does not, however, stop there. USS Trinity was decommissioned in 1946 and, having left the USS behind, was renamed Seabeaver. Whether the College is considering a name change to another thing that does not exist is unclear. Yet Travisty’s careful research suggests such renaming might face some issues.

For one, Beavers were little known in the 16th Century with Scout Association not founded until 1908. Thus, the college name would reference events occurring long after its founder’s reign and strong winds had dissipated.

For another, there is no ‘sea’ in Cambridge.

9 May Week fully finalised.indd 9

floreat pica 08/10/2019 23:54:45

Advertisement: Market Square is looking for a technician 9:30pm, Thursday 14th - Sunday 16th November 2019 Corpus Playroom, Saint Edward’s Passage https://www.camdram.net/shows/2019-market-square-fresh-sketchproduce We are not looking for tons of experience, just someone who is interested and happy to contribute!

Please get in touch with Director and Writer, Grace Glevey (gg4446), or Producer, Muhammad Manji (mm2185), to apply! We would like to know: • Any Experience you may have

• Why you would like to take part

• How often do you have your 5 a day Looking forward to hearing from you Ingredients Cocktail of the Week

fling for freshers kindly provided to you by the society for the conservation of sharks

4 tcsu representatives sainsbury’s basic vodka 1 FRESH SPRIG OF YOUTH (selection provided) inexperience (VARY TO TASTE)

Method

1. purchase sainsburys’ basic vodka 2. observe sprigs of youth 3. discuss choice with fellow represnetatives 4. clip sprig of youth 5. marinade sprig of youth in vodka and inexperience 6. Bottoms up

floreat pica May Week fully finalised.indd 10

10 08/10/2019 23:54:45

Caption Contest Your chance to win big Here is one of the editors, caught in a rather a sticky situation.

Its up to you to decide what sort of a situation, however...

Email smw86@cam.ac.uk by 23:59 Sunday 27th October with your best caption for this photo to be in with a chance of winning.

The prize for the best caption is a slice of fudge and a signed copy of this week’s Issue, so best of luck to you Winners will be featured in the next issue.

11 May Week fully finalised.indd 11

floreat pica 08/10/2019 23:54:45

Trinity Under New Management as Davies Ends Winter Simon Warrener tells of a historic changeover

As some of you may be aware Trinity now has a new master. For those of you who missed the shouts of “The Master is Dead, Long Live the Master,� this may be unexpected news as Sir Gregory Winter was a stalwart fixture in most of our lives. However, all things must come to an end, and at the height of his achievement, standing there Nobel Prize in hand, Sir Gregory left as master of Trinity College. The Courts were filled with mourners, standing there in rows of black, shedding tears as the meaning of the news began to sink in. All was not yet lost, however, as there was one who could take his place.

The position of master is a somewhat arcane one, its relevance lost somewhere in the mist of time, made relevant in the modern day by an ingrained respect for tradition and the rather generous drinks budget that the office controls. They are expected to oversee the running of the college, chair committees, and other such things. It may come as somewhat of a surprise, therefore, when the new master was not selected from within the ranks of the college, or even the university. This was a puzzling move by the College, for can someone not steeped in the Oxbridge tradition truly understand the intricacies of regular formal dinners, seven different wine glasses, and a cheeseboard larger than the average table? These things are critical knowledge for the master of any college, let alone Trinity, as to incorrectly manage a feast is a most grave offence. At least this was what was considered back in the distant past of 2012, when Sir Gregory Winter was appointed to the most illustrious of Cambridge offices.

Times, as they say, change and an expemplary record in the consumption of fine wine is no longer the prime criteria for the selection of a master. Indeed, there has been a stunning reversal in the process of decision making, with Dame Sally Davies being not only from outside the Cambridge environment, but even from within the government. (As everyone knows, Oxbridge sends people to the government; not the other way around.) More concerningly she has even suggested limiting the average alcohol consumption of the population, which means we should all be drinking less wine. This seems to be a departure from the traditional model of Cambridge teaching. However, as she is a medical professional, we are sure that, should the worst happen, and someone accidentally consume more than the recommended one glass of wine per day, the student would be in safe hands.

Another tradition for the Trinity master is that their portrait should hang in the Hall, alongside the more recent of their predecessors. The row of glum old men gazing, judgmentally, down is a reassuring sight to some, who gain inspiration, knowing the caliber of those who walked these halls before them. For those who are wrong less traditionally minded the portrait of Sir Gregory Winter has been a source of much relief, the great arrows arcing gracefully around Sir Gregory’s form adding a sense of movement which had previously been lacking from the portraits around Hall. When the new master was announced people

floreat pica May Week fully finalised.indd 12

12 08/10/2019 23:54:45

were desperate to know what form the new portrait would take.

A betting ring quickly developed, and not even the most capable of mathematicians could keep track of the odds. One second the odds would be in favour of a return to tradition at 3/1, the next a surrealist experiment would be leading the field at 5/2, only to fall back to 7/1 moments later. Unconfirmed reports of economists rapidly fleeing across the Backs once the betting had subsided should be dismissed at the inventions of crazed fantasists. (I’ve already told you where to deliver my cut, stop bothering me)

With the portrait, at the time of writing, yet to be unveiled the atmosphere within Trinity is tense, with every favour imaginable having been traded for a bet on the nature of the portrait. It is feared that institutions as venerable as the room ballot, the bar and the library could collapse should the nature of the portrait take an unexpected turn, and students are forced to give up ballot positions, bar credit, and borrowing privileges that they do not possess in order to meet their debts.

While one can hope that these predictions of doom and gloom do not come to pass, and that the installation of the new portrait will reconcile the various factions with the college, bringing together the ardent traditionalists and those who hope for something a bit more modern, one should not count on it.

(Ed: Quite right about that – The arrows represent the pinnacle of artistic achievement and I’ve told you before I’m not budging on this.)

Missed an Issue?

Read Travisty Online www.issuu.com / travistytrinity

13 May Week fully finalised.indd 13

floreat pica 08/10/2019 23:54:46

Travisty to Boycott Trinity from September To Our Dear Readers,

Recently, Trinity College – our benefactor, first-love, and sometime-friend – voted to withdraw from the Universities Superannuation Scheme (USS), a national pension scheme that Trinity has 20 members of staff currently enrolled in.

A leaked letter shows PwC advice – I know, do skip this bit, there might be some jokes later – suggesting that if Trinity withdraws from the scheme and then another comparable institution – could you possibly imagine such a thing? – did too then: ‘the covenant would be downgraded from “Strong” to “Tending to Strong”’. This means that Trinity’s decision could potentially weaken the strength of the pension provision for other colleges at the university, and other institutions in the scheme. The UK pensions regulator defines ‘Tending to Strong’ as containing a ‘medium-term risk of employer[s] not being able to support the scheme and manage its risks’. Of course, the real importance of the term is the knock-on effect on employers’ willingness to take on risk for their staff pensions, which would weaken the entire scheme.

The move, dubbed ‘Trexit’ by people we have little respect for, has caused considerable consternation across the university. Rallies of protest have forced the college into lockdown, the protestors – often numbering in the double figures, and armed with two placards between them – threatening to overwhelm Great Gate, by placidly standing in its vicinity for up to ninety minutes at a time.

There is no way that demonstrations could not have struck fear into the hearts of college officials, the protestors demanding the college’s re-entry to the USS and the simultaneous dissolution of the entire college, whilst butchering the overrated and rather perfunctory 1968 Beatles classic ‘Back in the USSR’. ‘… Man, I had a dreadful flight

I’m back in the Universities Superannuation Scheme (R) You don’t know how lucky you are, boy

Back in the Universities Superannuation Scheme (R), yeah…’

floreat pica May Week fully finalised.indd 14

Travisty, in the face of such musically persuasive argument, has realised that we must join them, by boycotting ourselves from the inside. This decision has not been taken lightly, but we feel we have little option to take this most moral of stands.

To be clear, this is not the end of Travisty. In the coming year we will continue to publish satirical swipes at Trinity College, Cambridge on a twice (or thrice)-termly basis, yet the magazine itself will only be available in the other 30 colleges. Travisty has invested huge resources into ensuring the boycott holds, with teams ready to parry future editions from the hands of Trinitarians, should the publication’s notional wit threaten to improve the life or education of a Trinity student.

Travisty’s Editorial Team were divided over the action to take, as withdrawing Travisty from Trinity deeply threatens the integrity of the entire magazine – the circulation outside the college walls both pitiful and saddening. Yet voices sprung into urgent debate.

Some were angry over the secrecy with which the col-

14 08/10/2019 23:54:46

lege had initiated its ‘Project Bronze’ plan to exit the scheme, only encouraging some Travisty writers to further champion their own boycott plan: ‘Project Third Best’. One college fellow argued that the £30 million cost of withdrawing ‘could usefully be spent on better things’, whilst at Travisty the idea that Trinity gives the magazine for publishing costs and port ‘could usefully be spent on better things’ gained traction.

At this point in the meeting, the idea of boycotting became incredibly popular, as the assembled writers realised that by restricting (and thus massively reducing) our publication to other colleges we could simultaneously reduce our ongoing costs by upwards of 99 per cent. Slight dissent still lingered, but passionate arguments suggested that our boycott could ‘surely be

presented in a positive way, preserving our assets not only for selfish reasons but so that they can continue to be used to help others’ said one esteemed member of our editorial team, coincidentally using the exact same words that one of the college fellows used to justify the withdrawal. As such, by joining in the boycott and pocketing the money that we no longer have to spend on printing the bloody thing we are merely ‘preserving our assets’ for the good of the community – whatever that means.

Travisty must remain strong in these turbulent times.

ter than average. Here at Travisty, we will, of course, continue to eat those metaphorical swans in defiance of St Johns, but for now, on a non-Trinitarian basis.

We’ll be back for Halloween, in an edition circulated across the university (though not widely) and available to literally everyone but you. Until then, we hope you enjoy this edition.

We’ll be hiding from the Great Court sniper until we’re back.

According to myth, when a swan dies, its usual silence is replaced by beautiful, enchanting music. As such, we hope this edition, Travisty’s swansong, is a thing of beauty and so we commend this issue to you as at least somewhat bet-

Write for Travisty Come to Writers’ Group starting 21st Oct! 8:00 pm Mondays in the JCR Email: smw86@cam.ac.uk

15 May Week fully finalised.indd 15

floreat pica 08/10/2019 23:54:46

Horoscopes A ries

Muhammad Manji has visions of the future

Leo

Every small decision you have made affects countless possible timelines of your future. If a butterfly’s wings can cause a hurricane on the other side of the world, I shudder to picture the consequences of your antics in Vinyl yesterday.

You have the heart of a lion.

ROAR. But the downside is that it comes with excruciating heart pain. A botched heart transplant isn’t covered on your insurance.

Taurus

Tick. Tock. You can’t escape the all-encompassing hand of time. Tick. Tock. It’s bearing down on you, waiting to punish you for your decisions. Maybe you deserve it, who else would be stupid enough to swallow a pocket watch. Tick. Tock.

If you mess with the bull, you get the horns. You knew that already. What you didn’t know was that “the bull” is actually a Cambridge Union life membership and “the horns” are losing £200 and never going to any talks.

Gemini

You’ve been here before. Every door you open, every turn you take, you end up in the same place. De ja vu. There doesn’t seem to be a way out of here.

Welcome to Trinity.

Cancer

There is a battle raging inside of you. Taking over every moment of your thoughts, every detail in your life. Brown or white bread? The eternal struggle.

I’m a brown man myself but it turns out Cambridge is disproportionately white.

Cover Photo base by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

May Week fully finalised.indd 16

Virgo

Libra

You love books. Thrillers, romance, biographies, science fiction. Even a good dictionary when you’re feeling indulgent.

You’re not fussy, they all taste the same.

Scorpio

It hurts, doesn’t it? The bitter taste of defeat. To be so close, yet so far. And also all those bee stings. Next time you go stealing honey maybe think about protection.

floreat pica

Sagittarius

In an ever-changing world, filled with chaos and confusion, there is one constant in your life; 1. You are alone. There is nobody here to help you.

Capricorn

Sometimes you feel like you can’t break through life’s barriers. Like a thin plastic straw hopelessly bending against reaches the foil barrier behind which lies your treasure. Wait no I’m thinking of capri sun.

Aquarius

You love the colours of autumn; the reds, the yellows, the browns. An explosion of colour in your extremely dull life. The contrast against your pitch black soul. The darkness will consume you.

Pisces

Did you know some species of fish have developed lungs to breathe out of water?

Adaptability is your greatest strength. It’s that same survival instinct that stopped you joining the Trinity boat club. Good job.

You will taste success while your peers perish one by one.

16 08/10/2019 23:54:47