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Travisty Freshers’ Edition 2021

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The writing team Please enjoy this Fresher’s Edition of Travisty. Don’t pay any attention to the edition number, it gets reset every time we get shut down by Ofcom or MI6 (and just like most successful musicians,

we’re not aiming to make it to 30). This edition has it all - advice for freshers, advice for non-freshers (it’s mostly common sense after all), and perhaps, dare we say, some humour.

Eoin Walsh has undergone surgery to make him even more annoying. Before he sells out to go to the City and try and bankrupt Norway, he is spending this year chasing up writers and buying alcohol with college money.

Lidija Beric has returned from a year abroad filled with soirées, and supposedly, some French studies. The latter was useful when she had to evade the border authorities in Calais to get back to the UK. Matthew Sargent has been misled into this editorship and life and is trying to escape the square to the left that is his prison. Free him from this pain by reading all his articles and shouting “how now brown cow”. Arun Prabhakar, our new ethics editor, is indeed holding two drinks in this photo. When not attending to the famous Trinity Philosophy Society, he can be found waging an ongoing war on journalistic ethics.

Agnijo Banerjee, our emeritus ethics editor, has been busy making puzzling cryptic crosswords, and when he has time, his M.Math. He’s been so busy that we don’t have a photo, so that exercise is left to the reader. Floreat Pica

2 Cover photo by Eoin Walsh

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Dame Sally Davies’ Portrait - Review Our resident art experts were busy, so we put Eoin on it After waiting nearly 13 months for the 40th Master of Trinity’s portrait to be revealed, we officially have one:

You may know me as an engineer but I’m also a verified art reviewer, having been taken on a trip to the Tate Museum by my tart of an ex-girlfriend three years ago. I spent five hours staring at various paintings and it gave me a new, refreshing perspective on both art and women. I wish to share my thoughts on the former now.

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The first thing you notice in this picture is the colour and the detail. Previously, Trinity portraits maintained dark hues, with wide brushstrokes and un-illuminated backgrounds that gave off the impression of a dark 1920s picture show, a basement interrogation, or even emo-esque impressionism. This portrait is the antithesis of this. Bright, vibrant colours, painting a vivid detail across the canvas that can be described not just as a portrait but as a landscape, it is bold, outstanding, stunning, brave and beautiful. As an engineer, I always approach life with the attitude of why, such as “why did my exgirlfriend leave me for a mathmo?”. In this art review, I am no different. Perhaps Dame Sally wanted to stand out, and why shouldn’t she? As the first female Master of Trinity, and possibly not too far away from being the first to oppose colonialism, such a change in direction for Trinity deserves some visual expression (although dressing in purple, the colour of emperors past, does reveal her expansionary ambition). Perhaps, after all the pain of the COVID-19 Pandemic, which features centrally in the portrait as I shall get to later, bright colours and smiles are necessary. Or perhaps we’ve just got used to Greg the Winter Wizard commanding his antibody arrows and forgotten how normal portraits are supposed to look. There are other subtleties to be observed. The Double Helix by James D. Watson rests on her table, although the teapot on top seems to indicate that just like us, DS borrows the books off the reading list but probably just reads the Wikipedia summary instead. The masks on the staff and the lack of happy students in the Court show what life was and still is like in the early 2020s at Trinity. Simply exquisite. Overall, 10/10, as long as the reason the WiFi hasn’t been fixed in my staircase is because all the money went on this portrait.

Newsroom cutting floor Articles that, for various legal reasons, never made it to the final print Trinity solves fuel shortage crisis by switching to whale oil Tap water in accommodation rooms found to not contain Lead but instead Ligma Trinity’s lease on Epstein’s Little Saint James’ island runs out, and with a sudden drop in revenue from visitors, new fresher accommodation to be built there within 3 years Tripos mark actually determined by how much food you leave behind in Hall Trinity Biology fellows discover bullet to the head cures COVID completely, Dean requests permission to use this cure on infected students

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Copes for not working hard enough Need some excuses for your academic performance? Arun is here to help So it’s a new academic year. Maybe you’re a finalist now. Certainly, you haven’t looked at your books since the Brexit referendum. You could take the right hand path, of rising with dawn, slogging eighteen raw eggs to gain strength (both mental and physical), and self-flagellating between the hours of 0800 and 2000 to repent. Or – what’s this? – you could take the alternative, the left hand path. There it is, in the distance, glinting like the spire above hall. Tempting, isn’t it? Yes, you can choose from amongst our specially curated, premium quality copes for not working hard enough. 1. ‘I’m not a morning person’ – Let’s start nice and simple. A number of very interesting philosophical questions are raised by waking up post noon, namely whether the afternoon becomes the morning by virtue of one having slept through the real morning and only arisen now. What I mean to say is that one very uninteresting philosophical question is raised, which I shall proceed to ignore. But then I suppose most of us would be more afternoon people, wouldn’t we, if we were have gone to bed at 3am. 2. ‘I’m an audio-visual learner’ – Normally, upon seeing somebody set up their workspace with a set of thirty coloured pens, four decks of flashcards, a virtual reality headset for immersive revision, three Apple products of different categories (MacBook Air, iPad, and iPhone), a headphone charging station, a right to a homeland in the Middle East, several distinct protein bars, and a customary pear tree for the partridge, I would stare judgementally at them. If, however, you are an audio-visual learner, these are justified. 3. ‘We all need some self-care’ – For complicated reasons, I can’t actually say I’m on a mission to single-handedly prove that one can be both a workaholic and an alcoholic. I’ll settle for the following. I have not indulged in leisure activities in years, and I’m completely fine. Feeling down? Just don’t have emotions (they’re cringe). A bit tired? Will harder. Don’t fancy working today? Yes, remember when Achilles didn’t fancy avenging Patroclus? Did he sit around moping, or did he commit a minor war crime on Hector? Actually, he did do the first thing, for about XII books as I recall. But he got onto the other thing eventually, and he did it with strong will. Be like Achilles. 4. ‘I need time to recharge, or I won’t work efficiently’ – A fair point this, because it’s well known that by working more, you end up achieving no more, which is why it’s impossible to improve your work ethic. Your work ethic, that is.

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5. ‘At least I’m not one of those humanities students’ – A time-honoured meme, and one of the finest copes. It helps to have not ever met a humanities student, or a STEM student for that matter. 6. ‘Work/life balance’ – Wait, people actually have lives? That doesn’t sound fun. 7. ‘I’ve finished the work I planned to do’ – This is not an excuse. You can finish all of tripos for all I care, modules you’re taking and modules you aren’t alike, but if you’re not pulling those fourteen hour shifts, then Stephen Toope isn’t getting his money’s worth. 8. ‘I’ve finished sitting my finals, please stop bullying me’ – What’s this? Finished?! When God created the world, did he rest on his laurels and claim to be finished? When I put together an issue of Travisty, do I laugh my sides open and then send it off, finished!? Get a hold of yourself, you impetuous young scallywag you, we weren’t nearly this weak and pathetic back in my day, I’m telling yo– On a serious note, if you’re struggling with concentration, please do consult the following helpful link for support: https://bit.ly/3gypxxJ

Cocktail of the Week The Cambridge Welcome INGREDIENTS: -

A small formal glass of Trinity Port One bottle of Sainsbury’s Vodka A lungful of water from the Cam One dash of regret (might taste bitter)

METHOD: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

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Drink the port at formal and realise you don’t like port but mama didn’t raise no quitter (but she certainly raised a drinker) Before you go out clubbing, down a worrying amount of vodka (ideally, drink someone else’s and never pay them back) Realise at 3am in the club you have a 6am rowing outing Fall into the Cam during said outing and inadvertently swallow some river water as you reconsider your life decisions Now tell yourself you won’t do that again (for at least a week)

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Magpie and Stump (#ad) Looking for some classic comedy entertainment? No? Well here’s some anyway!

Is it a pub? No! Is it a comedy group? Yes! Is it any good? Eh, maybe. Forced at gunpoint by our Senior Treasurer to do this promotional article or lose funding, we begrudgingly highly recommend you to watch Magpie and Stump, the resurrected, rejuvenated, Viagra-injected, steroid monster of a comedy sketch show! Filled with cream pies, unicycle dancing, and throwing dwarves out of windows (I don’t know if that’s in it, it’s what I saw on Matthew’s search history when I was looking for material for the advert), I can promise you this is a show to split your sides and make you shit your pants. The first show is soon to be announced, with tickets expecting to sell out as quickly as 4th years to graduate finance roles in the City. For more details, contact Matthew Sargent, Arthur Ushenin or Gabriel Osborne. If you give them money, they might even reply to you. If that fails, walk into Great Court and at the stroke of midnight, caw loudly 7 times. You will receive an answer.

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7 Photo credit to Ovidiu Cozma, unsplash.com

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Adieu to Dean Kusukawa We say goodbye to a real OG This story begins with Brexit, but ironically, the saddest moment in this tale was yet to come. With confused British nationalism causing legal hullabaloo in Belgium, a cry for help was echoed across the four corners of Christendom, and Professor Catherine Barnard took the midnight train straight to Brussels. This left a position open for Senior Tutor, and nobly, selflessly, Professor Sachiko Kusukawa rose to the occasion, thus ending the golden years of Trinity under her wise and kind Deanship. There was no ceremony to mark this occasion, as people can spread disease and should be studying, but I believe that in their hearts, everyone was sad. How would a successor care for us in the same way? Could anyone be as good as our Dean? I feel that in times like this, we cannot cry because it is over, but instead must smile because it happened. At the start of her tenure, Prof Kusukawa dramatically reduced the alcoholism in college by putting the drinking societies to the sword and attempting a total end the distribution and consumption of alcoholic drinks in college (with 50% of the editorial team having been deaned, this guardian angel had to work overtime). In her last year, when the Pandemic hit, she protected the NHS from being overwhelmed by preventing dangerous gatherings in college (and even motivating students to generously offer funds to support the NHS). It is clear that we owe our health and happiness to Prof Kusukawa. To quote an excerpt from Grammy Award-winning Caribbean artist Cardi B’s “I Do”: Bad bitches do what they want I’m a gangsta in a dress, Only time I’m a lady’s when I lay these hoes to rest Prof Kusukawa remains at Trinity as Senior Tutor, a post deserving of her talents, and we wish her the best of success in this new role.

Think you can do better than us? You probably can! Why not come to our next writing group? (times advertised in the mail room) Like our Facebook page, or email us at travistytrinity@gmail.com to subscribe to our mailing list. Or just send us an article with no warning! We’ll take anything. Floreat Pica

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A handy fresher’s guide to Cambridge clubs Arun knows a lot for someone who says he only goes to the Library Oh, you freshers. I may not look it now, but I was one of you once. Nineteen instead of twenty-one, or however it works. No, that can’t be right – you’re supposed to age more than two years in four years of Cambridge. But when I was your age, I was also pretty confused by all the different clubs; where they were, what they meant, and which ones to avoid. Yes, this may have been in part because I didn’t step foot inside a club for two terms, but it my mind, it was also because nobody thought to make me a handy fresher’s guide to Cambridge clubs. 1. Wednesday Cindies: You wouldn’t know man, you weren’t there. The first of the lockdown fatalities, Cindies (neé Ballare) used to hold Cambridge’s most popular club night. With an entrance that resembles a prison camp, and an interior that is… roomy?… I think me and the boys once went there in black tie after a dinner that we won’t say any more about. 2. Thursday Lolas: The zoomer of club nights. Spanning both pre- and postlockdown Cambridges (I think), Lolas plays music slightly more dance-y than Cindies, and less like something your parents would give each other on a mixtape for Christmas. It’s loud, there are lights on the floor and I don’t understand either, and you’re basically inside a giant VK. Fun! 3. Friday Fez: Another one which no longer exists, and unfortunately so, I think. Last time I was here, which was also the first time, it took me in the region of two hours to work out that no, there wasn’t another part of the club through there, there was just a wall-length mirror. Things that there are, however, include a lack of space, a greater level of dinginess than usual, and some kind of liquid dripping disconcertingly from the ceiling. I was pulled through the pulsating mass of flesh by a chap who wanted me to do something called ‘pull’ on that particular night, but thankfully my inebriation did not stop my morality centre kicking in. Shortly after this event, and under lockdown, Fez closed for good. 4. Sunday Life: Apparently people go clubbing on Sundays??? What gives??¿¿ 5. Tuesday Glitterbomb: This one is the LGBT+ club night, but don’t let looks deceive you. It’s actually Life. Which, by inference, means the LGBT+ movement is to recognise the importance of life. How curious.

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1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

d d d

6. Wednesday Revs: The successor to Wednesday Cindies, let me present to you: Wednesday… Revs. Revolution, styled R3volution (probably, I haven’t been), is a bar in – hold up. A bar? Replacing Cindies? How does that work? 7. Thursday Mash: Or is it Friday Mash? Why is it called Mash? Why is it actually called MASH? How do you expect me to have been to all these club nights by the end of first week? Did you think I even liked clubbing? 8. The Pitt Club: Now that’s more like it. Not that I’d know, because it’s invite-only, and I hear it helps for daddy to own a minor country manor. In fact I’m half convinced the Pitt Club has no existence beyond that as an object of hate on Camfess. Did you know they tried to stay out of bankruptcy under lockdown? Unlike Cindies, lmao. 9. Breakfast Club: Exceeding the last entry in both controversy and exclusivity, we have a gathering that doesn’t take place over breakfast in hall, every morning from 8:45am. Nudge nudge, wink wink. 10. The First and Third Boat Club: And with this we get on to the proper stuff. Shots, VKs, and silly things like tequila are all well and good, but they won’t get you properly lampreyed. If you want your morning to look like the portrait of Sir Greg Winter, you need to go strong, but go long as well. Really, there’s nothing for it but to take a bottle of port, *like so*, up-end it, and swallow. Drinking societies have been banned in Trinity, but all I’m saying is… that I’ve never rowed, but all I’m saying is… 11. The Adonians: An Illustrious society, or club, about which I can only say that [PART REDACTED]

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Last fresher stops smiling in Week 2 as reality of Cambridge sinks in It’s enough to make a grown man cry Stop the timers everyone. Who wagered 8 days? Earlier this week, the last fresher in Trinity, an unnamed scientist, finally accepted the reality of Cambridge and had to do some work. “I sort of did the summer work, and I turned up to the lectures, but no one told me these supervisions would need decades to prepare for! I had 3 hours between my last lecture and first supervision, I opened the single sheet of 7 questions and I nearly had a heart attack! Took me 2 hours just to do the first question, and they all got harder from then on”. This poor bastard. The smile gone, the puppy dog eyes now already filled with nostalgia over scorned Imperial and Durham offers. He is the last of his cohort to fall victim to the sad reality of Cambridge. Now, my first reaction when seeing this sad little wreck of a thing was to laugh, to shout “it’s because you didn’t have to do any A-Levels, isn’t it?”, which I’ve been thinking about every fresher this year and last. Not bitterly of course. But I remember when it happened for me. After awaking in a rose bush somewhere in Grantchester (the sign of a good night out), I realised I had the whole weekend to do prepare for a single supervision. It wasn’t enough. The first time I realised I had to pull an all-nighter was weirdly hopeful. I had hourly breaks planned, a packet of Sainsbury’s finest cookies, and some Diet Coke for energy. It was hell. 4am is hard. You go for a walk but you’re still sleepy. When it gets light at 7am you feel cold, no matter how warm your room is. 11am you drop. Your promise yourself you’ll be more organised next time, you will never do one again. But you will. Cambridge teaches you to work hard, and to not stress over your work because at the end of the day, damn it, it’ll be acceptable and you have 3 other pieces of work to do and a society to run. I can promise it gets better. You realise not to buy Red Bull because it’s too expensive, you finally find the “illegal” cribs or ask friends for help rather than waste hours of your time, and you eventually realise that you are actually getting it done faster this time.

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Caption Competition

What’s Arun dreaming about?

Email your captions to travistytrinity@gmail.com The best suggestion will win your mama a slice of fudge from Fudge Kitchen, delivered straight to your pigeonhole!

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Cryptic Crossword Agnijo Banerjee brings the party to you

Think You’ve Solved It? Email travistytrinity@gmail.com by 11:59pm on Sunday 24th October with your answers, and you could win a piece of fudge!

Across

Down

7 - It's written: "Once man loses head, nerve will have small figures” (5,9) 9 - A current revolutionary put on 8 (5) 10 - It's a long story about changing times and about knowledge (9) 11 - Exam, with a commercial backing, is used for training 25 (4,3) 12 - Journalist turns to cable about fiasco (7) 13 - No appeal as I delay, with no help, returning to do as Cantor did (15) 17 - Condition for 6's love (7) 20 - A sort that's rambling or, previously, speakers (7) 23 - Greek character shouts to impress a dog (9) 24 - Old official note to First Lady (5) 25 - Fantastically unreal: Nick is employed by Ais (6,8)

1 - Patience for one to repeat dance (8) 2 - Cockney leather can be rust and sand, for example? (6) 3 - Teen maid is disorderly, causing older person's complaint (8) 4 - Forged police bomb (6) 5 - More courageous to cycle around square takes a bit of spine! (8) 6 - Huge joker has something to begin with (6) 7 - Picked up 9 sheep (5) 8 - "13's prime!" - Oscar Heinlein (6) 13 - 7d: "Chose to show” (6) 14 - I'll tell everyone you're late (8) 15 - Worshipper's vow some other time (8) 16 - A few attempt to put imperial first on top, but this preserves metric! (8) 18 - Game over, fruit? (6) 19 - Waiting to talk about power (2,4) 21 - Topless bar fights have weapons (6) 22 - The inside is wet, so return meals (5)

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TrinTerrorSoc needs new blood As if we’re not on enough government watchlists, Lidija, who wishes to remain anonymous, is recruiting ATTENTION ALL FRESHERS! Do you have what it takes to join TrintErrorSoc? Do you have what it takes to be part of Trinity’s most notorious society, never advertised at Chaplain’s Squash, of which the members are handpicked by yours truly (to remain anonymous, I’m warning you male editors, out me like last time and we’ll see who’ll be left out of their rooms when they get caught in a little…rainfall)? TrintErrorSoc is looking for new mistakes, I mean, recruits, and we want to pull together the most dynamic team yet. As heroes of the pandemic, we decided to keep a low profile. Thankfully, our avant-garde use of masks protected most of us from the worst. But now that C***D is slowing down, we think it’s time to get back in action. Fill in the quiz below to find out if you have the required sense of no-sense to join us. Question 2: Would you be willing to die for (/with) Trinity? a. Yes, without hesitation. b. Er…no. Question 1: Have you got any other allegiance to similar associations? a. Yes, but do I have to say which? b. No…thankfully. Question 8: Have you ever engaged in non-peaceful activity? a. Yes, though this depends on how you define non-peaceful… b. No, unless you count ***? Question 4: Do you take pleasure in the prospect of destruction? a. Yes, but only if the destruction becomes real. b. Er…destroying what? Question 4: Do you enjoy breaking things? a. YES! Cups, plates, hearts, skulls, you name it- I’ll like breaking it! b. Hmm. I don’t really tend to break things…except the odd nail? Question 4: Do your most vivid fantasies involve any of the following: Wires/Matches/Ropes/ TCP/Aeroplanes/Falling a. Yes. All of them. And then there’s also knives, smoke, gunpowder…not to mention St John’s just next door b. I don’t think so…but I did drink TCP by mistake once? Question 3: Do people often remark that you display certain psychologically hypernormative characteristics? a. Yes. I explode every scale. b. Not really… I thought 30% was low on the spectrum? Question 2: Are you willing to do any dare? a. Yes. I’ve probably already done it. b. Er…what’s a dare? If you answered Yes to 100% of the questions, expect a formal invitation to join our blood withdrawal, I mean, our new recruitment celebration ceremony at a date and time to be

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specified and NOT to be diffused. If you answered Yes to 50% or more, we apologise in advance. Let’s just say, you won’t find yourself on the ‘donating’ end of any of our projects. But worry not, you’ll certainly be donated to! If you answered Yes to 0% questions, Trinity is not the college for you. This is still reversible though! We will arrange for your peaceable ‘removal’. P.S. If you did the questions in the correct order, (1,2,2,3,4,4,4,8), you may yet be invited to a TrintErrorSoc training session even if your answer to the hypernormative question was apparently no.

Letters to the Editors These may or may not be real To the Editors, Ah, the New Year. Wildflowers blooming in the grass. Birds singing in the early morning. Freshers retching as they come up against their true tolerance for alcohol for the first time. We all like new beginnings, and I wanted to be a bit more social, a bit more outgoing this year. And so I came to the acknowledged centre of college life. Could you recommend any societies I might be able to join? Yours, Ms. S. Hill. Dear S.hill, you’re in awful luck. If by awful you mean awe-ful, that is (I kill me). The illustrious Magpie and Stump has been placed under new management and is reviving for a series of stunning events. They might be collaborating with Travisty. Floreat pica indeed. And that’s not all: I hear rumours, the faintest whisperings, of a

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Trinity College Medieval Society shortly to be launched, for the drinking of mead, the doing of jousts, and the having of revelry. Stay tuned. Most esteemed editorshipnesses, I have been an admirer of Travisty for a long time, from a distance. I have always wanted to get involved, but I never thought I was quite up to it. After all, to match such heights, such positive *zeniths* of humour… a Herculean task indeed. But I’m overcoming my fears; breaking down my barriers. My dearest editors, I ask: how may I write for Travisty? Simple, my dear chap. Just send us an email! With your article attached, preferably, but we take what we can get. Alternatively, you could come to one of our writing groups: follow us on Facebook, or email travistytrinity@gmail.com to

subscribe to our mailing list, and we’ll tell you all about it. Listen you, I’ve been munching on my hash browns at brunch for a year with no Travisty being thrust into my hands like a newborn at the orphanage gates. Why? This can all be explained quite easily. I had a misunderstanding with an elderly Fellow at dinner around September 2020 that resulted in a tray meeting an 89-year old’s face at 53 mph. A very easy mistake to make, I daresay anyone I know would have also got angry that he took the last plate of chicken tenders. Anyway, the restraining order was removed when he went back to the US, so I’m now allowed to put articles in Hall. Thanks for waiting and hope you enjoy.

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Horoscopes It’s quite literally written in the stars, how more scientific do you want to get? I can read them now…Y-O-U-R-E-A-D-O-P-T-E-D. Oh. Bugger. Capricorn Time for a capri-cut. Of hair, that is. You were thinking about bangs, or maybe curtains, or maybe a buzz. Do it. It’ll bring them back. Or keep them away. Or make you look 12 again. Either way it’ll be fun, you know you want to.

Taurus Buy that new snuggly hoodie. Winter is coming and in Cam it comes quickly (remind you of anyone?). Show your mum you’re responsible by buying a nice puffer or blanket. Also you’ll be warm. Neat.

Aquarius You worry about singing in the shower. Don’t. What about your neighbours? Let them listen. They should be paying to hear you. Pavarotti walked so you could run.

Gemini Mercury is in retrograde at the moment, so why don’t your friends take a step back too and admit that they didn’t like you when you first came to Trin. Maybe they still don’t. Oh they insisted that they did? Sorry honey. They lied. Yep.

Pisces Does that essay really matter? Obviously it has to get done at some point, but right now? Your friend is calling you, who knows where the night could lead you. Take their hand. Drink that VK. Eat that Van of Life quesadilla. Don’t chun.

Cancer Soldier on. Remember to take your vitamins (don’t forget B9, B12, and Plan B ;) ), I believe in you, even if you don’t believe in yourself. Has that spider on the wall moved?

Aries Tell you what you’re not going to do - take any more shit from people. Someone jump in line? Clock them. Supervisor say your work was “adequate”? Glock them. ‘Nuff said.

Leo Now’s your chance. The dreaded Week 5 is coming up. Soon, everyone will be tired, poor, and walking around with comfy but ugly hoodies. Save your money now and flex on those peasants financially and emotionally when it matters.

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Virgo What’s Pro-Vice Chancellor Graham doing in a star system? Does he need help? Quick, take his stuff from his room before anyone realises. Libra You’ve done well so far. Now reward yourself with an aesthetic Great Court instagram post. Screw it, make it a photo shoot. “No place like home” is a good start. Bonus points if you have a cute pile of books under your arm and be sure to get a decent photographer. Scorpio You have a cunning plan. Intersperse every drink you have at pres with just mixer but don’t let anyone see. Then when everyone spills all their secrets, you can remember them all and avoid mentioning that time you milked a goat. Sagittarius Pay £30 for that Trin gym membership and go pray at the Church of Iron from now on. Or at least go for a run. Yes. You do need it. Those VKs go straight to the hips.

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