TRAVISTY Issue 61
March 1. & 8., 2015
ยกLong live the new regime!
TRAVISTY February 28. and March 7., 2015
Notes from the editors...
Listen up Trinity (or read up, the pedants),
Triniiittttyyyyyyyy,
We are your new editors, so you know what this means? YOU READ WHAT WE WANT YOU TO READ. YOU WRITE WHAT WE WANT YOU TO WRITE. But luckily for you, one of us is considerate. Lauren. Lauren will listen (can I hear a welfare woop?). Talk to Lauren to get what you want, she is very good at pleasing-LOLLLREKKTT---. She has time for you and your needs (she does English so…). If she isn’t contributing her entire soul into Travisty, you will find Lauren at the market. No, she isn’t selling herself, silly, she is buying antique books and enriching her pretty little head (only I can say that because I AM IRONIC). Lauren’s mint. And she can write.
Look around you. Amongst the sea of faces you have never in your life before observed in Trinity unwittingly enjoying their brunch, you will see a fabulous bundle; beneath layer upon layer of exquisite, exotic silk, sparkling clip-ons and a shoe you would die for, sipping coolly on her espresso like she doesn’t have 6 essays to write, is (no, not Catherine Baba) your other new editor. Despite rumours of a potential rapping career, she actually did a foundation degree in art (if you haven’t heard), so hold on to your hats, dearest Trin. It’s going to be a fun year! Your other, less-sartorially-exquisite-but-probs-sat-next-toher, editor,
THE REGULARS 3
MICKEY ASKINS
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THE PUSSY COLUMN
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SIR GEORGE SUMMERS
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INTRODUCING THE NEW EDITORS
TWITTER REVIEWS
TRINITY DOES SNAPCHAT HOROSCOPES
FEATURES
Tom Chamberlain Miss Nomer
8-9
DAY IN THE LIFE OF A METHOD ACTOR
Ravi Willder
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A TOPOGRAPHY OF TRINITY
Edison Rragami Anonymous
11
HOW TO BE SOCIAL
AN ODE TO CINDIES
THE WEEKLY RANT
THE BACK COVER
Rahul Dev
12
TOP TWENTY KNOBS
Editors: Beth Cloughton and Lauren Brown Creative Director: Callum Hale-Thomson 2
TRAVISTY MARCH 1. & 8., 2015
Mickey thinks that the streets here are mostly better than the ghettos of Winchester... mostly...
A LL
NEW
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PAGE
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introducing...
MICKEY ASKINS INTERVIEW ON PAGE
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THE PUSSY COLUMN
I
f we haven’t already met, I’m the pussy who mocks you from my safe haven of grass. My long reign here has made me quite adept at predicting weather and fertility patterns, so I guess I should let you know how things are looking. Whilst you’re sitting in this fine hall, leafing through this wellconstructed publication, things are getting a little wet outside…the pressure’s going to start rising, and the humidity’s almost at 100. But don’t worry, the UV range is staying around 1. Hold on to your hats, you might get a bit flustered and it’s going to be a bumpy ride… winds at 27 mph. If you’re planning on making the best of this lovely weather, be sure to lock your doors…because I can get in through even the smallest crack. I’ll be searching for clues, stories, food, and a good time…so stay out of my way if you want to stay out of my column. One frolicksome couple in Angel have already fallen foul of this pussy... Stroke me if you dare…
I do take bribes...
INTRODUCING THE NEW EDITORS
A
Words by Michael Askins
new era has dawned on Travisty just like the virgin birth of a messiah. I’m not saying the new editors were conceived miraculously, but just that hopefully there will be a renewal in the journalistic and ethical standards of this publication. Hopefully the editorial standards will rise out of the ashes, just like with that bird thing in Harry Potter innnit, so that they might match the glorious editorial standards of my favourite procrastination method the Daily Mail Online. Yes I do want to read about how immigrants at a post office in Southsea are corrupting our children towards homosexual cancer. (Someone please write this). Imagine how good it would be if Travisty got into the Daily Mail: it would be a better film than inception. So yah, hopefully the journalistic rigour of this rag will increase and we won’t
see the editors sneaking out of the backdoor of the master’s lodge and being told to pull stories of his somewhat unorthodox parties and his paganism (please don’t libel me). The Travisty team will surely be a group which is not dominated by a particular social group: I think it’s great that the two editors barely seem to know each other and that they aren’t at all the Female Welfare Officer and the Woman’s officer. So we can definitely agree with the conclusion that obviously follows: Travisty is definitely not a feminist conspiracy. Hopefully the editors will show the same backside wetting commitment to this publication that I have and a shiny yellowy era will follow. Amen. P.S. I don’t necessarily believe anything I’ve said and if you have any problems you can contact my lawyers/pizza delivery company on 01223 355155. Peace Out.
INTERVIEW WITH MICKEY ASKINS
Harriet Gordon interviews first-year HSPS student and Travisty page three model, Mickey Askins
1. Cosmopolitan or vogue? Tatler, because despite being from the streets I love a cheeky bit of high society and double-barrelled names.
4. The Kardashians. Discuss. I flee North West at the mere mention of them: keeping up with them is nigh on impossible.
2. Do you favour the symbolic or the real? Despite dabbling in the symbolic in my younger and more venerable years as an anthropologist (love a bit of phallic imagery) I'm all about keeping it real. 3. Are we human, or are we dancers? This is a false distinction: I don't think Brandon Flowers has much of a chance in academia.
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Fig. 1: Mickey in his natural habitat
SIR GEORGE SUMMERS
That If you ’s why Trin ’re fro i m Tri ty is so big ,i nity w Get in , ov e r hy ar t’s full of se e you a ch i e crets v fro er, we O are go m the Nor Get o n Wednesd t i ng s t ut Gl ay’s w udyin h? en Co e wea One t g c r o , gown you g I’m n im e I s ot ot a r left th egul a e libra a third Gl r Trin e r n y Coco . I it In we t was ek 5 h y student, I’m a awesome e aske co d I said me what w ol Trinity s tuden e e k it it wa t s wee was. k5
Dear George Summers,
I heard my neighbour having, what seemed to be extremely intense coitus. Do I listen inadvertently or should I politely knock and ask to join in? Dear Sex-Door Neighbour,
As grim as it may be over hearing what sounds like a fight between a gorilla and a hyena through those ever-so thin walls of Angel Court, I'm afraid that sex is just one of those facts of life you have to get used to. If you're the type of person who thinks revenge is a dish best served hot, then why not have some decibel-defying steamy sex of your own to show them a (salty) taste of their own medicine. If finding someone to diddle your widdle is too hard, then just crank up the volume on those laptop speakers and load up one of PornHub's finest. You'll convince everyone you're getting some, get revenge on your overly-amorous neighbour and mask the sound of your tears of loneliness. Its a win-win-win situation! Dear George Summers,
I walked past my Bedder and our hands brushed. Neither of us mentioned it but she knows, I know, and every time she comes into my room we have prolonged eye contact. Dear Dreamer,
People accidentally touch all the time and it's usually a simple misunderstanding. A little finger fumbling and hand haplessness really isn't too much of a hurdle to get over - normally I'd just advise you to apologise and get on with your life. The awkward glances are however more of an issue. As we all well know, eye contact leads to genital contact, and lingering glances lead to lingerie dances, so unless you're looking to get into what can only be described as a dangerously Oedipal relationship, the only option is, ironically, blinding yourself in order to avoid the looks. That said, there are pros of pursuing a relationship with your bedder you won't have to put your bins outside for starters, and she might even clean up afterwards.
TRAVISTY MARCH 1. & 8., 2015
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TIS PITY SHE’S A WHORE
FIFTY SHADE S OF GREY
THE OSCARS
HOROSCOPES Words by Kev, High Priestess of the one. Or could they just be Orion in the Astrological Order a stranger? Actually, they’re probably a scorpio. Best to keep away. Bloody scorpios. Jupiter is rising as you walk Mars is coming through great court, but don’t into venus look up in case you make pro(hope he longed eye contact with a used porter. Look forward to a protection cryptic and mysterious arrival [if not, he in your pigeon-hole it’s not us could’ve (it’s not the postman) it’s the contacted astral plains. Wait, this just in, welfare@tcsu.net]) the lunar fields are chanThis means that luck, nay, nelling energy towards you. fate is smiling upon you. Try Yes, YOU. Look to your left walking across the grass or and this person could be the not handing in an essay; love of your life. Just look, chances are it will all work they may not seem attractive out for the best. Or maybe it shovelling a full english into won’t. Pretty sure none of their face, but they could be this is true. Is this even real?
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I don’t know. What is a horoscope? Are you a horoscope? Am I a horoscope? How are horoscope? Very well, thanks. Why is horoscope? When is is horoscope (every Travisty)? Do U even horoscope?
! S E C PIS
Want to contribute? SEND US YOUR SNAPCHATS AT
trinwatch TRAVISTY MARCH 1. & 8., 2015
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TOM OR...
F
irst year Tom Chamberlain is method actor who, like many other Trinitarians, likes to dabble in the much-maligned art of thespionage. In this issue we decided to put what acting talent he may/may not actually posses to the test‌
...Hamlet
Every true actor begins their day with the Dane‌
...lamp
Acting is all about illuminating your character, so the role of the lamp was a particularly handy metaphor for what happens whenever one takes to the stage. Some people might say I cheated by using a real light. They know what they can do.
...tree
Inhabiting the role of the tree brought with it fascinating new challenges such as not being able to move, developing lyme disease and then being cut down and turned into a bench on Jesus Green. I loved every minute of it! 8
TRAVISTY MARCH 1. & 8., 2015
...punt
In preparation for this role I spent a few weeks swimming up and down the Cam every day, ferrying tourists to and fro on my back. It really worked: someone once shouted at me “Get out of the way you STUPID PUNT!” Or at least I think that’s what he said, he had quite a thick accent…the actor lives for such moments of real appreciation!
...bicycle
This shoot was made somewhat difficult by the fact that as soon as I parked myself up I was promptly stolen, ridden to the Sidgwick Site and dumped unceremoniously in a ditch outside Newnham College. I stayed in character for as long as I could, but when I heard the words ‘scrap metal’ and ‘cash’ used in the same sentence, I ran away. I have no shame. The next Eddie Redmayne? We’ll let you be the judge…
AN ODE TO CINDIES... You first went there in freshers week Excitement truly rife This surely was the clubbing peak After Fez and Life
The wide-eyed sense of wonder And desire to raise the rooves You've quickly had a chunder It's time to bust some moves
You delve into the sea of sweat And you can hardly wait To make some fresh new fun regrets And get back home too late
They're playing all the songs - but how? It's 30 second clips... The search begins - the time is now To find a pair of lips
A poem by our resident bard, Miss Nomer But by half two your search has failed Your lips are dry as dust All of your new best friends have bailed You're left alone with lust
Despite its end in loneliness You had a decent night And though your stomach's quite a mess It'll be all right
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TOPOGRAPHY OF TRINITY
This week, Ravi Wilder takes a closer look at the brick-clad ziggurat that is the Wolfson Building.
leagues of party planning. Wolfson B used to be the place to B (even I cringed), until the arrival of a new tenant at the beginning of Lent Term – a PS4 that reduced footfall in its corridors with the result rom the exterior, Trinity’s Wolf- that a whole half of the floor has morson Building looks something phed into a ghost town. like a stepped South American It is not merely the character of its levels, temple anachronistically imported however, that gives this pyramid of modfrom the Aztec empire into the heart ern architecture its distinct je ne sais of CB2. Unfortunately, it is here that a quoi, but the abundance of quirky and – comparison to one of the symbols of in some cases – simply bizarre features the greatest ancient civilizations in his- throughout the building. The feature of tory ends. While Mayan temples imbaths in the toilets at each end of the mortalize relics and rulers from a structure are a source of perplexity to stubygone age, Wolfson’s contents are dents and visitors alike – seriously, ones of less grandiosity: freshers. though, not even arts students have the Almost 100 first-years occupy the time to ruminate life’s greater problems bricked behemoth, forming a space while bathing in a room more akin to that bristling with adolescent hormones, of establishment of dubious morality. The stress and the noxious odour of Lynx. presence of two six storey high drops by This delectable concoction is spread the flights of stairs is another source of over five floors, in a structure akin to bewilderment. It shouldn’t take a Trinity Dante’s circles of Hell in his Inferno mathmo to work out the result of the (pretentious allusion #1), with each equation of alcohol plus perilous and unhaving their own distinct character and guarded drop. Perhaps this is why the de‘vibe’ – or lack thereof. For instance, signers of the building had a predilection Wolfson D floor, affectionately called for using transparent glass instead of ‘Wolfie D’ by its inhabitants, made its something opaque to face onto the stairs name by plying its trade in the lower – nothing acts better as an incentive to
F
Top left: Wolfson Baths - kindling romance since 1972; right: Uncanny 10
TRAVISTY MARCH 1. & 8., 2015
work that a work-stricken peer tumbling to their inevitable doom in the foyer below. Gyp rooms with doors that slide shut with alarming alacrity also lend credence to the notion that the architects behind Wolfson actively desired the death of some of its fresher occupants in the flames of culinary fires. When the interior of Wolfson is too much, the handily placed smoking area outside provides the perfect release. Some of Wolfson’s shadiest delinquents frequent the area, while cigarette scavengers – a notorious species deserving of death itself – abound. Philosophical chats are to be engaged in here in the post-club early hours (or so I am reliably told, having never been out post 10 pm), with the almost forgotten art of ‘banter’ also being honed here, to little avail. When residents ponder the bleak scene before them, they are reassured by one thought and one thought alone: ‘at least it’s not Angel’. B.E.N: Angel is the place to be- if you’re not a loser ha ha
HOW TO BE SOCIABLE
Edison Rragami offers some advice applicable to both one on one chats and group conversations. Try in large groups first for practise (if you can’t do it you can shift the responsibility of conversation onto others).
3. Dancing in public (nightclub, house party) It is important to dance as if you are a healthy ordinary individual otherwise 2. Filler words your dance moves WILL be relayed Words such as: cool, yeah, like, man, LIT- back to you in a mocking manner the next morning by your ‘friends’. ERALLY and even phrases such as “oh fter every sentence another It is important to move, but not to my god” are crucial in filling the vacuum party says, repeat the last word if you have nothing of value to say, or even move too much. To feel, but not to of their sentence in a tone that feel too much. Be sure to get a regular maintain flow in the conversation. It is suggests you understand the point they rhythm of all your joints so they move important however not to use too many are trying to make. To enhance this efin unison and in time to the music. A filler words: fect, upon repeating the word, continfailure of one of these and you will ually say “yeah i totally get what you stick out like a sore thumb. Keep a faOther Party: Ah yeah man I’m mean, yeah” over what ever else the cial expression that in a normal setting actually feeling kind of other person has to say. This fortifies a would be perceived as ‘slightly contired feeling of common ground, the idea cerned.’ This presents an image that You: Ah man that sucks like that you are “both on the same page.” implies you are a truly ‘all about the I’m LITERALLY so 1. Empathy music,’ and going to clubs is actually tired too If you found what they said amusing, something you really enjoy doing. Incorrect Usage: or if they were clearly trying to be For more information on how to beamusing, then intermit your response have in clubs, see: looking at someone You: yeah cool man like oh with laughter: else smiling and nodding for an exmy god that is literally tended period of time because you yeah Other Party: So then i went to get Other Party: I don't understand what both know the words to a song. some milk from sains you’re saying burys
A
You:
Sainsburies haha yeah I totally get what you mean yeah haha.
THE WEEKLY RANT Y
es, Week 5 happened. Yes, Week 5 Blues is a thing - but can we move on please? Week 5 Blues come around every week 5, if you’re a clever individual you manage to either a) hasten the process and have week 4 blues, or b) delay the process and have a mid Week-6 crisis. But you know what is a real thing? Lent-Term Syndrome. (I’ve had this certified by a 3rd-year psych student.) Lent-Term Syndrome is when cabin fever hits, when college begins to feel just that little bit too small, and your friends begin to get on your nerves. It’s the pitfalls of living together: you love them but really you hate the whiny bastards. All those idiosyncrasies which in Michaelmas were endearing are now simply annoying. The issue with Lent Term is a lack of variety. All we can see before us, is work, more work and work that should at this point be behind us. The only treat in sight is a distant May Ball that has drained our bank accounts. By the way, can random but distant friends stop flooding our Facebook inboxes with the lines, “hey, so like u r at trinity right? wanna catch up for coffee?” - your blatant schmoozing while somewhat admirable, is largely pathetic (unless your at John’s then I’d love to catch up). The aggression and sadness symptomatic of Lent-Term Syndrome induces behaviour that at best is mildly entertaining to observe from a safe distance of superiority and condescension, at worst it is an all-too brutal reminder of our tween selves. Lent Term causes a reversion to our Year-8 selves, complete with anonymous bitchery (because when there’s no face-to-face confrontation we’re bolder and braver), tears, supposedly “laddish” behaviour, and awkward coupling (albeit many of you are newbie couples are somewhat endearing), with the addition of alcohol. The sudden need to “spice up your life” is embarrassingly transparent. Side note: why is Sunday Fez becoming a thing? As a creature of habit I reject change. We’ve all managed to suss out an appropriate coping mechanism for the potent pungency of sweat, urine and sewage that is the smoking-area of Life: alcohol and exhaustion, and buckets of it (apologies to those of you on a drinking ban - reality bites). Thank God, the end of term is nigh and chocolate is a thing. Alcohol and stupidity isn’t a solvent, but Netflix might be. TRAVISTY MARCH 1. & 8., 2015 11
TOP TWENTY KNOBS OF TRINITY This week, we sent crack reporter Rahul Dev around the corridors of Trinity to seek out the top doorknobs...
1. WOLFSON HANDLE Blends in seamlessly with all the other Wolfson doorknobs: could probably mention more, ‘but let’s be strict, overall they’re pretty s**t, max. 3 or 4 mentions’. Complains about its workload. Struggling to break free and make an impression on Trinity in general: ‘Can anyone even name a Wolfson doorknob’?
The lowdown:
Keenness: 11/10 Banter: College cats are better Rotation: 30°
2. GREAT KNOB
The lowdown:
Risk: 7/10 (8 if its cold) Push or Pull?: Keep on pulling Rotation: 360°
Exit only, so why would you ever need to use it? The thrill of this knob is all about not knowing what’s coming from the other side. Watch out because if someone pushes when you’re on the pull, you’re going to get a pounding (to both your knuckles and self-esteem).
3. MASTER KNOB Greg, Spring, Summer or Fall, you’ve got a friend in this knob. The most regal of knobs. Gets a good daily polishing. You won’t see it often, but when you do, twist firmly to make a good impression. Eddie Redmayne probably handled this knob, look where he is now…
The lowdown:
Majesty: 10/10 Girth: Bigger than most Rotation: 1546°
The lowdown:
4. BASEMENT KNOB
Easy Access: 2/10 needs a key Too soon?: 4/5.5 Rotation: 3°
List curtailed due to budget cuts: funds re-allocated to New Court knobs
What goes on down there? Rumour speaks of a mythical Water Cooler if you dare request the key after 5pm. The contents are as mysterious as the knob itself. Girthy yet stubby, this knob seems to hide a lot of secrets. Sequestered in the basement are generations…of books.