Issue 65

TRAVISTY LXV

DCM[GNDE

A NOTE FROM THE EDITORS Trinity, Week 5 has come and gone, but how well did we all survive it?

Travisty didn’t cope and fell apart (it’s a joke because this issue is divided up and YOU have to assort it into order to get the real surprise – BOYS!BOYS!BOYS!) Travisty hasn’t recovered but we hope that you have. Have fun and try your best – this is more difficult than deciding whether there’s enough corn (on the cob) in college.

NOVEMBER 22. & 29., 2015

And as for our enticingly mysterious front cover, why not for one minute swap your Sartre/maths/molecular biology/Carl Marx/WHATEVER for a deliciously mind-numbing game of noughts and crosses*

*(trinity-esque over-competitiveness guaranteed)

THE COVER the editors' letter trinwatch

THE PINUP page 3 babes LETTERS the pussy column

His Majesty the Bird

a letter from magpiety

NUMBERS

Anonymous Martin Chan

coding tips martin's money tips

ADVICE sir george summers

Hesham Masshour

the joy of doing work

WORDS

Anonymous Nick Wong and Rahul Dev Anonymous Mikey Lavelle

pop poetry for week five words we're not sure what they mean

SURVIVAL assassin's guild i had always been a good swimmer

COLLEGE LIFE

Felicity West Ravi Willder

hello trinity a defence of burrell's

CRISIS

Edison Rragami

i do not exist week five freshness

editors: beth cloughton and lauren brown creative director: callum hale-thomson

contributors: ravi willder, nicholas wong, rahul dev, leo sands, elissa ford, siena mary, edison rragami, his majesty the bird, mikey lavelle, martin chan,

want to contribute? like us on facebook, send us an email at travistytrinity@gmail.com or come to our next writers' meeting!

felicity west, declan amphlett, college cat ii

FICTION

Siena Mary

figures

FUN the travisty wordsearch

ADVICE

SIR GEORGE SUMMERS Sir George is, as always, back for another issue and ready to answer all of your college-related woes.

If you’d like to submit a question, he can be reached attravistytrinity@gmail.com...

BY GEORGE Dear George Summers, The other day I went out to Cindies and I purchased several VKs. Then a few days later I bought no less than four jagerbombs in Life. I am worried that my alcohol problem is too wild. Can you offer advice?

I-drank-one-time Dear I-drank-one-time, It seems that you, like many fresh-faced Cantabrigians, have confused the level of drinking that your average fourteen-year-old gets up to in the park with his mates, with the level of someone who regularly consumes a bevvy too many. Of course, f o u r teen-yearolds tend to stick to classier drinks like Scrumpy Jack or whatever they can s w i p e f r o m

their parents’ cabinets, but the comparison still stands (or falls over, depending on how much Special Brew it’s had).

The truth is, most of Trinity, and indeed Cambridge, does have a questionable drinking practice. The problem being that they don’t drink enough.

Until the day that the clear liquid dispensed for free in hall is vodka, I will not be happy, and you shouldn’t be either.

One day I pray that the Cam will run red. Not for Communism as King’s would have it, or even the blood of the poor as St John’s would have it, but with red wine… Only joking, I much prefer cocaine.

Dear George Summers, The Dean appears to have banned pennying in hall. This worries me in two ways; firstly, I have a friend whose name is Penny. Will she still be allowed to dine with me? Secondly, how will we have fun without forcibly making people drink faster than their comfortable pace?

Copper Crusader Dear Copper Crusader, As you may have noticed, names do not always adhere to their literal meaning. My

friend Rob has never stolen anything in his life, William Shakespeare was in fact very gentle with long and pointy weaponry, and amazingly enough, the Dean herself is not actually called Dean. As a result, I’m sure your friend Penny will be allowed to go to formal, unless of course she is made of metal and has the Queen’s face stamped on her.

With regards to your second little conundrum, I’m afraid that if pennying is banned it’s banned! Some might say the slightly dimunitive and overly-courageous fresher last year that vomited on the table at formal has ruined it for everyone – I for one regard him as a hero; a pioneer, giving us the opportunity to explore different ways of drinking at our beloved, often very salmon-centric formals. I’ve come up with a little game to get you started; everyone buys a bottle of wine, or if they don’t want to drink, they have something else.

Then, throughout the course of the meal, you all drink at whatever pace you want. I know it’s a pretty mental idea, but the possibilities are endless!

WORDS

POP POETRY FOR WEEK FIVE I got a lot on my chest that only poop-culture can relieve

BY ANONYMOUS “Me not working hard? / Yea, right! / Picture that with a Kodak / And, better yet, go to Times Square / Take a picture of me with a Kodak.”

-Thought process of Trinity Student.

been tryna work it out.”

-Memoirs of a Bedder’s affair -STEP introduction “I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl / Without being disrespectful / Damn you’se a sexy bitch.”

“Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday to Sunday.”

-“I’m a feminist!”, Male Trinity Students

-Trying to figure out how many days till your deadline, but becoming confused.

Now you get to watch her leave out the window / Guess that’s why they call it window pane.”

“I’mma make you my bitch / Cake, cake, cake, cake / Cake, cake, cake, cake / Cake, cake, cake, cake / Cake, cake, cake.”

“She got a big booty so I call her Big Booty.”

-Creative discourse of English Prac Crit

you too should write for

-What do the students want?

How can TCSU spend their money on welfare?

Lightning crashes, a new mother cries / Her placenta falls to the floor.”

-The 101 of child-birth for Biology student.

“And I know you love Shrek / Because we’ve watched it 12 times.”

-Said the JCR T.V to Freshers “The square root of 69 is 8 something, right? / Cause I’ve

“to be honest, I’d give TRAVISTY 11/10” -Trinity Mathmo “I turned down an internship at The Times just so I could write a 200-word piece for Travisty and watch brunching students revel in my talent” -Anon.

“I don’t get it. Is it supposed to be funny?”

-Anon.

“Travisty was the inspiration I needed to change from NatSci to English.

The best decision I’ve ever made.”

-Anon. www.travisty.co.uk

WORDS

WORDS WE'RE NOT SURE WHAT THEY MEAN Hesham Masshour offers up suggestions for the best workspaces in Cam

BY NICK WONG AND RAHUL DEV Lollop: the bemused chuckle you give when you don’t really understand why something’s funny, but everyone is laughing so…peer pressure.

E.g. Trinitarian: But that’s the Tory government for you!

You: huh…huha…huhuhuhuha…HAHAHAHAHA Those Halycon Days: a brief period in 1940s Manchester when Eric Halcyon revolutionised the pickle industry E.g. Sandwiches were just pieces of bread and some cheese be-

fore those halcyon days.

Oligarchy: an elision of ‘Ollie, got our key?’

E.g. “I’m so drunk, I just need to go home. Oligarchy?”

Fankle: an ankle fetishist (a ‘fan of ankles’) E.g. It was only after Ollie said he could guess my shoe size by rubbing his nose up my ankle that I started to think he might be a fankle Balderdash: You know that

Try out our fiendishly difficult (some would say impossibly so) wordsearch and win yourself 100 retroactive drinks tokens for the TRAVISTY party you weren’t cool enough to go to. Submissions to travistytrinity@gmail.com by 1/12/15

thing where they chase cheese down a hill? Yeah, that. With Boulders…

E.g. Trinitarian: I’d really like to use the Dunlevie Fund for life enhancing activities Tutor: Balderdash!

Trinitarian: Yeah, why not?

Canteloupe: Where you’re forced to marry in your own home…because you ‘can’t elope’ E.g. Person 1: I’m heading out to Waitrose. Do you want me to get anything Person 2: Canteloupe?

Person 1: Jesus, Christ, Susan; I know it’s frustrating but can we please just move on Supervision: When you can see really far/well E.g. Trinitarian: What are you doing?

Friend: Got a supervision Trinitarian: Oh cool what ab…

Friend: SHIT I CAN SEE INTO YOUR HEAD Sex: a really good lecture E.g. I had a really good sex this morning. I took two pages of notes, but I couldn’t go on FB because my supervisor was watching from the back.

ADVICE

THE JOY OF DOING WORK Hesham Masshour offers up suggestions for the best workspaces in Cam

L

et’s be honest our library isn’t really the most user friendly. It’s too cold in the winter, too hot in the summer and you’re not allowed any coffee - cruel, I know. The only change of atmosphere that the library affords you is a move from the basement to the top floor.

Sometimes you need a change of atmosphere to stay motivated and working or sometimes (exam term) the atmosphere can be so negative you want to escape anywhere.

So here are the top five places to work in Cambridge: 1. TRINITY COLLEGE BAR Our bar is on the fast track to becoming the new social hub of Trinity. With an americano priced at £1.50, great company to keep you going and great bants with Michael, Sarah and Marianna the bar is now officially the place to be. And have you had the luxury hot chocolate?

2. THE UNIVERSITY LIBRARY TEA ROOM The UL doesn’t look like the most welcoming but the tea room is both the souls and brains of the UL. You’ll find people working all day in this

BY HESHAM MASSHOUR friendly and stimulating space.

Yes, and there’s SO much food - rice pudding, anyone?

3. INDIGO COFFEE HOUSE If you’re feeling keen to meet some English students who think they’re too cool for all the rest of us, this is your place to be! It’s cheap, it’s small and cozy - nothing we don’t like.

You’ll also see get no Wi-Fi or network coverage so there are no easy ways to get distracted.

4. THE FITZWILLIAM MUSEUM COFFEE SHOP The Fitzwilliam Museum’s coffee shop is great because you’ll realise that every now and then you can take a break and stroll and look at some paintings.

Cambridge is extraordinarily lucky to have such a lovely museum so go out there and make sure to have a look!

5. THE BOTANIC GARDENS (PROBABLY WHEN IT WARMS UP A BIT) In the summer the botanic gardens are the place to be. Cambridge students get free entry so it might be a good idea to take a long stroll in the fresh air while you’re doing some reading. Great minds have sat on the benches so you never know you might be inspired!

introducing...

SURVIVAL

ASSASSIN'S GUILD An anonymous assassin reveals all about this secretive society...

I

f you want to add some extra stress (or perhaps fun?) to your term, you might consider joining the legions of pencil-pulling, watergun wielding, origami-piano-folding stealth-masters scattered across Cambridge competing to win an extra MA or PhD to go alongside their ordinary course of study. Of course, the ‘Master Assassin’ and ‘Paranoia hardened Death-master’ awards aren’t handed out lightly, with only one Trinity PhD and 7 MAs being awarded since the Cambridge Assassins’ Guild termly game began in Michaelmas 1993. (To put this in context, Trinity has won 4 Nobel Prizes in the same time period).

On the face of it, winning is relatively simple – you need to survive the term – but being the last assassin standing takes a surprising amount of skill, luck and paranoia. So how does it work? When you sign up, you agree to give your name and address to three complete strangers who are then honour bound to hunt you down and ‘kill’ you with harmless, fake weaponry. You will receive three ‘targets’ to stalk. If you kill someone, you

BY ANONYMOUS report in to the Umpire. (You do the same if someone kills you – honesty is a big part of it). If you don’t kill anyone within two weeks, your name will be put on the ‘incompetent’ list which goes out to all players, licensing them to try to kill you. (The first list goes out this weekend, so if you see suspicious water-gun toting people around the college today, please do let your assassin-playing friends know.) If you kill the wrong person, an innocent non-player or use a weapon that is beyond the strict, safety-first rules of the game, you will find yourself on the ‘Wanted’ list. The Assas-

sin Police will be obligated to eliminate you and players will receive extra points if they play a role in your demise. Generally, the more creative the kill, the more points awarded.

Stabbing someone in the back with a pencil labelled ‘knife’ might get you one point, but if you dress up in a dinosaur onesie labelled ‘Dinosaur of

Death’ and crush your target in a fuzzy dino-hug then you can prepare yourself for a points avalanche. Rumour has it that our very own Trinity freshers may take credit for the most dramatic kill of this last week: at a college marriage ceremony in Wolfson, as the pronouncement of husband and wife was declared, our would-be Romeo, suddenly terrified by the thought of married life, mercilessly set his pet, Perry the Platypus, on Juliet, who was promptly mauled to death.

(Divorce time?) True to form, Romeo was ‘nerfed’ later that evening by a horrified onlooker. Many students can imagine nothing worse.

Only lectures, libraries and society meetings are out of bounds.

It’s perfectly legit to stab someone on their way out from the shower-and if paranoia takes hold and you end up taking a nerf gun with you, it’s only too easy to nearly bump off your bedder whenever you have to go to the bathroom. Even so, a scary number of people play (200 in M 2014) and we must be thankful to the Assassins’ Guild for giving the budding psychopaths in our midst an outlet.

SURVIVAL

"I HAD ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD SWIMMER" Mikey Lavelle recounts the unlikely tale of being pooled to Trinity...for Engineering!

I

’d like to think it was the several years of life saving lessons that I taught back home that helped me survive the dreaded winter pool and end up at the most reputable college in Cambridge. Maybe it was just because I had always been a good swimmer. Maybe it was the bright colour of my hair (yes I’m ginger, no I don’t have a soul) that meant I was easy to spot and hence fished from the murky depths of the Cam. Or maybe I’m just really f*cking lucky. Whatever the reason, I went from taking a punt (pun-tended) at applying to Downing College for Engineering, ( Downing was the shortest walk to the department, I’m lazy and I hate mornings – wait, in hindsight maybe that’s why I didn’t get in?!) to getting an email saying ‘You have been invited to interview at Trinity’; or some schpiel to that effect at least.

At first I thought I was going mad, or had smoked too much grass or something. I repeatedly refreshed my email whilst gaping incredulously at the screen. There’s been some sort of mistake or something I thought, but it after the fiftieth refresh it really did look as if they weren’t playing some cruel joke and actually wanted to interview me! (HA the fools) There was going to be a ‘Maths Grammar’ test and a combined

BY MIKEY LAVELLE interview, with all of about a week to prepare. It’s safe to say that I shat enough bricks to rebuild Great Gate. However, to mine and my family’s amazement somehow I had slipped through the net, or been caught… I’m still not sure quite which is the more appropriate phrase!

“

At first I thought I was going mad, or had smoked too much grass or something

”

When I arrived at Trinity this time last year, my interview was already a distant memory, - I deferred and spent a year in the ‘real world’ working for Rolls-Royce. So when at the Matriculation dinner I sat opposite my interviewer things were a little bit… odd, to say the least. The moments that really stuck in my memory went something like this: “I remember you”

… I suppose that’s a good

start….

“You were the one that was married to your calculator” …hmm less good: not such a great impression to have left and just about the only thing she can say about my interview…after the small talk progressed and the wine was readily flowing, she again referred to the decision to fish me from the pool…

“I do hope we made the right choice pulling you out of the pool, because historically no one we have taken from the pool has got lower than a 2.1” … Well there’s a first time for everything. When you next have a bout of imposter syndrome and you doubt you should be here, spare a thought for those of us who actually were fished from the pool… gills, scales and all. We are the true imposters, we didn’t intend to come to the most academic, competitive and most grand college. We somehow just fell into it! Not that I’m complaining, just bemused!

P

W

L NE L A

PAGE

3

BABES

PATRICK &

COLLEGE LIFE

HELLO TRINITY Central Saint Martins here.

W

ow, nice mahogany hall. I never fail to be amused by hall and all its traditions. I feel instantly amazed, speechless, taking in the whole thing: all the wood, all the history, all the paintings of colonial men (painting is dead by the way make way for digital conceptualism 2015), all the … wood, so much wood. I guess the effect wears off when you’re eating there three times a day because no one ever really seems that arsed about it. Perhaps the impact of hall really hits when you go for the first time in Fresher’s week and learn what “pennying” is and have to be matriculated or do matriculation or whatever it is. Trinity, you give students rooms larger than the actual kitchen I shared last year with six other people, all equipped with two personal and totally made up, not-real-world roles: the “bedder” and the “porter.” Living at Trinity does come with its perks, however, such as being allowed to hire cheaper punts to go on, and taking advantage of the music rooms where you can go and play some music .

For such a rich college you’d think each flat – sorry, corridor – would come with a relatively sizeable kitchen with ovens and some barstools.

These kitchens are just cupboards with a camping stove

BY FELICITY WEST and a chopping board - which brings us onto the dinners.

Cambridge, what the fuck.

What are these cooked meals you provide? And why are you eating them in the reincarnation of actual Hogwarts? Have you spent your life wandering around with a tray full of an actual meal looking for somewhere to sit in what I fully presume to be a listed building where they say grace in Latin, have a dinner gong and OH they have literal capes you have to wear to the extra posh meals. Capes, please. Pleaeaeseaesasaeseaaeese.

These capes have soup holes for when you eat your soup and don’t want to get your special dinner cape sleeves in your soup. Is this not weird? I have personally attended a Cape-Required fancy dinner at Trinity and no one seems to think anything of these actual dinner capes you have to wear. You just put ‘em on and get on with it. What do you do when you want to eat a whole lasagne to yourself in last night’s shirt at 3pm when you’ve just woken up on a hangover? Do you just throw on your dinner cape and keep your head down? Does anyone at Trinity ever pop to Tesco?

Trinity College itself is somewhat of an institution. The competition between the Cambridge colleges is pretty funny. I have been to Emmanuel but it’s

not half as intense as a trip to old Trinity is. Where is the ornate fountain centrepiece and all the Great Gates? Rubbish.

Plus their May Ball tickets only cost around £120 as well. Can you even buy May Ball posters there? I heard only the coolest people go to the Trinity May Ball which is held – when? oh yeah, June, whatever. Listen, I’m only jealous. I would love to go. I suppose Cambridge has to go all-out after exams because throughout the rest of the year no one ever has any time to go party in Cambridge’s best clubs because they’re up all night in the library actually doing work. We don’t do that here at art school. That’s probably why Cambridge has no BA Fine Art – which is quite frankly rude. (A joke). Trinity, relax about the grass. It’s just grass.

CRISIS

LEARNING CORNER

I DO NOT EXIST

HOW TO MAKE BREAKFAST

Edison Rragami returns to his fortnightly solumn to tell us how to survive an existential crisis

O

BY EDISON RRAGAMI

h my god! oh my god!! you’ve left all your friends to go to bed and you can no longer distract yourself from the big issue! You don’t exist! Your life is a lie! You are insignificant!

What do I do?

We’ll don’t worry because sometimes that happens to me so I can tell you what I do: 1. GO OUTSIDE. Go to Jesus green.

Lie on the grass, touch a lady bird, take a picture of the sky and put it on Facebook, sigh deeply close your eyes and whisper “I am alive” 2. CRY. Cry for a long time. Get on the floor stretch your body out and release a low guttural groan: “nooooooooo” you groan.“no ooooooooooooooooooooooo” again. Cry like a baby. go back.

Go home. To the womb. Drink some warm milk inbetween whimpering “nNNOOOoohhh.”

You are the centre of your universe, and it ends at your wants and desires.

You are id.

3. TAKE UP LOTS OF HOBBIES Wow you are constantly busy!

So much to do! Rushing from this place to that place, a smile on your face, you fly through great gate, “hey porters!” “evening” wow you’re just on top of the world, and the world is yours. But you can’t do things forever. One day you will be alone in your room, you will look up at the ceiling, a tear will roll down your face and you will think “but what does it all mean, what does it mean when I’m not even real?”

4. HELP OTHERS Give to the homeless. Place a single cookie from your £1 bag into the hands of a man lying in front of a shop. Stifle their politeness by placing your palm across their forehead “shhhhh” you sigh. “think nothing of it”. And then you’re gone back to your room, forever a good, good person.

5.

I cannot help you.

You are fucked.

( for some men)

BY THE FEMINIST 1. Grab a bowl, preferably one washed by a woman (l0l) 2. Grab some cereal, preferably owned by a company that a man runs (l00l) 3. Put it in that bowl.

4. Grab some milk, preferably some breast milk from your mum because you think the teet should feedeth thou for eternity 5. Eat it.

6. Recognise that having a women-only hall is good for female morale and also get over it.

7. Get on with your life that is structurally beneficial to you.

COLLEGE LIFE

A DEFENCE OF BURRELL'S Mikey Lavelle recounts the unlikely tale of being pooled to Trinity...for Engineering!

B

urrell’s Field.

Two words guaranteed to strike fear and trepidation into any room ballotter’s heart as they desperately ring friend and foe alike to try to arrange a joint set on the ‘light side’ of the Cam, offering money, food and acts of dubious morality in their attempts. For residence in Burrell’s Field is tantamount to exile, with stories of how unwitting inhabitants have suffered self-induced ostracisation from their friends, all for the price of an en-suite bathroom. To make the cross over to the other side of the Cam was, legend has it, the inspiration behind George Lucas’ now-famous ‘join the dark side’ line, with the unlit passages and paths of Burrell’s giving this line all too physical connotations. Why, then, would a, intelligent (or indeed, sentient) person actively choose to spend a year of their youth proverbially out in the cold? It’s time to reveal the methodology behind the

BY RAVI WILLDER madness…

Firstly, Burrell’s life by no means results in the monastic lifestyle that the naysayers would have you believe. Indeed, for second years, Burrell’s is more of a haven from the pesky freshers and wizened third years than a pit of exile.

Having the majority of one’s year live a stone’s throw away is underrated, and helps to break down the age old Wolfson/Angel divide that plagued fresher year. Meanwhile, the slight seclusion that towers gives means that nocturnal actions can be shrouded in a bit more secrecy than Wolfson offered – although the paper thin walls does mean that they still won’t remain secret for long.

Burrell’s also promotes the healthy living and exercise that remained a pipe dream in freshers’ year for many. Proximity to the gym and sports facilities means that there is no excuse to put off activity any longer, and halt the second year spread. The gym, as opposed to being this mystical place that no-one has ever ventured to, is just round the corner, and can provide the perfect serotonin boost that can even

rival that of a certain chemical of questionable legality. The increased distance between home and town is also no bad thing when it also means more metres between a hungry stomach and the deadly duopoly of Gardies and McDonalds, with cooking becoming a viable option to ward off the munchies. The walk/cycle to town, meanwhile, is the perfect short cardio exercise, with one particular second year English student noting that it has ‘toned her calves and thighs amazingly’ (you know who you are).

Finally, this wouldn’t be an article about Burrells if there wasn’t at least some discussion of the mildly scary/horrifying (depending on your threshold of fear) walk through the unlit forest-like entrance to Burrells from main college. Hopefully this will be rectified soon – the walk, however, if done with friends (of a non-deviant nature, it must be said) is bearable, and creates solidarity between Burrells residents who enjoy the occasional tango in Cindies. The wise words of Frank Roosevelt, ‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself ’, spring to mind, and staying in Burrells is exponentially preferable to enduring through the Great Depression – at least, one would hope…

LETTERS

NUMBERS

PUSSY COLUMN

MARTIN'S MONEY TIPS

it’s back, again...

Our first fortnightly installment by recent graduate, Martin Chan

BY THE COLLEGE CAT

BY MARTIN CHAN

A

s the evenings continue to darken, each day shorter than the previous, the nights lengthen and take on a life of their own.

Night is my element, my domain—you may have seen my glowing yellow beams scuttling over the cobbles of Great Court, collecting all there is to know about the secret life of Trinity College. I must say, it’s been a busy few weeks of sticker irons, steamy fresher // second year action and full-on debauchery.

Maybe with the newly enforced ban on pennying, people will learn to be more secretive with their sleeping habits. I have to say, I won’t be missing it particularly…my fingerless paws were never going to be a match for the deft, sly movements of an arts student with a stolen engineer’s penny. But apart from that, college rather seems to be continuing its perpetual cycle of abstinence. Although I’ve seen some pretty big batteries stuffed into the welfare pidges. And I’m pretty sure they’re not just to be used for electric toothbrushes…Storm Barney passed us inoffensively, but I hear that things are going to get a little worse…that’s how I like it: windy, rainy and wet. Just a final warning from this pussy at this festive time of year. Bridgemas is just around the corner, so be careful what you wish for…

W

ant to make or save more money as a student?

During my four years at Trinity, I’ve thought of some ways to make money that you’ll never hear from personal finance experts.

Maybe because they’re just too good. With these, you’ll never have to worry about going into your overdraft again. This week it’s time for tips 2 and 3: TIP #2: Since 2011, the Royal Mint have changed the composition of 5p and 10p coins from copper and nickel, to nickel and steel, because of the rising price of copper. That means that for the first time ever, the Royal Mint is producing magnetic coins. So you could stand in front of one of those big fountains/wishing wells/ whatever they’re called where people throw coins in for good luck or donations, with a giant extremely powerful magnet, while nobody’s looking, and

pick up all the magnetic coins (as well as picking up anyone with a prosthetic limb within a 1km radius, but you’ll have to take that risk). That will make you a horrible person, but that’s a side effect you’ll have to take.

TIP #3: In 1992 a businessman called Stefan Klincewicz and his 28-person syndicate bruteforced the Irish lottery. They waited until the jackpot was substantially bigger than the total cost of buying all the number combinations, and they bought up every single combination of numbers in one week. Despite having to share the jackpot, they made £310,000 overall once the dust had settled. You could try doing something similar with any other lottery (although the British lottery is probably a bad target since they bumped the ticket price up to £2).

I

NUMBERS

LETTERS

CODING TIPS: PART ONE

A LETTER

A series of coding tips from a recent graduate

from Magpiety...

BY ANONYMOUS

BY HIS MAJESTY THE BIRD

wasted months during my PhD writing code badly, months that I could have saved if someone had taught me three easy things which I enumerate below. The University tries and cares, but are pressed for time and can’t spend that time on style. The advice below is aimed at undergraduates who want to code without getting confused, which should be everybody.

These lessons are not analogous to advice about writing great literature. They are analogous to advice like ‘Write using a desk’.

Examples are in Python, which is the best language for anyone new to coding.

Lesson 1: Write small functions that are correct Writing code is hard. It is like mathematics -- one mistake and everything is wrong. The way to do a long and complex calculation without making a mistake is to break it into clearly marked steps. This is true in writing code as well. Imagine writing a program about some mass starting at rest and accelerating over time. Look at how useful short functions can be: def NumericallyCalculateAc-

celeration(time, dt):

return (NumericallyCalculateVelocity(time+dt) - NumericallyCalculateVelocity(time))/dt Now, if there’s a problem, you can look at NumericallyCalculateAcceleration and it’s short enough to see that the problem is somewhere else (maybe in NumericallyCalculateVelocity). More than that, splitting things up in this way lets you embed your assumption (assertion) that velocity is zero at time is zero in your code like: assert (NumericallyCalculateVelocity(0) == 0), \ “Calculated velocity is not zero when time is zero!”

Put code like that at the start of your program and leave it there. Then your program will always refuse to run if your calculated velocity is not zero when time=0 and it print out an error message -- you have immediately discovered not only that you have made a mistake, but where that mistake is. If you have to compare a numerical integration with an analytic integration you can assert that the absolute difference at the start of the integration range is zero.

Y

ou may have seen me before, either around college or standing on the stage in the Winstanley lecture hall, telling you how some particular member of the animal kingdom has offended me that week. There’s no easy way to say this, Trinity, but this week it’s you. You are all a bunch of cowards.

For the last three years I have been trying to get people to try stand-up comedy, and for three years I have been met with the same response: “I’m not funny.” (That’s you saying that not me, I am funny, I’m hilarious.) But it’s just not true.

Most of you are funny. Telling jokes is something that you all do every day. At magpie it’s just like that but instead of telling the same joke to ten different people over the course of a week you do it to 50 of them all at once, and they laugh. So whether you are a fresher who desperately needs to develop some form of personality in order to be accepted by your year group come along to a magpie writing group on Wednesday at 7 pm in the lower JCR. Yours humorously, Magpiety