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Notes from the editors... TRINITY, EVERYTHING WILL BE O.K. Probably Maybe it won’t But then again, we have our youth Now O Reading this is a well-deserved break; well done, you have achieved some sort of balance. Now get back to work (work being starting a new marathon watching of a series/attempting to get a really chic instagram following- nobody will ‘regram’ the senate house results) Also grandmaster flash--- can we plz just get more excited for that polished gem? Love, support, tolerance and a general acceptance,
I appeal to you, Trinity, Let us stop flexing our intellectual muscles in true peacock style, let us cease the fire of who has done the most revision or stupidly slept in the library for the longest, put down our jousting sticks (whatever you’re into), let us, comrades, step out of the library and gather around the veritable campfire that is brunch and hand in hand read Travisty. I’ve got carried away. But seriously, let’s read Travisty, because it’s fun, and exams aren’t. https://goo.gl/giwMpc Also, if you want to see us embarrass ourselves (more so than usual) go to our new website, www.travisty.co.uk {{{“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”- George Bush, Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000}}}
B THE RE
THE RE
THE REGULARS
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introducing: the former president
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the pussy column
An open letter to More news from the presiden
We grab a
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We grab a
Travisty Page 3 exclusive!
Yet more news from the college cat q&a with the ex-president
Tom gives us the low-down on defined cheekbones a defence of prelims
Like that famous Shelley essay, only more profound sir george summers
We grab a
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from
FEATU FEATURES
Need we say more?
We spend some time with our local barbershop
FEATURES
RES
touch wood
Siena Mary
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Trinonymous
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Declan Amphlett
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Ravi Willder
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finding form at formal
Edison Rragami
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how to do exams
Anonymous
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the weekly rant
the presden
We gra a CK
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We grab a
We grab a CK
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12 editors: beth cloughton and lauren brown creative director: callum hale-thomson want to contribute? like us on facebook, send us an email at travistytrinity@gmail.com or come to our next writers' meeting!
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exam-mind discharge mens' haircuts in cambridge!
wisdom from
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More words of wisdom from the great man himself
A short story
reflections&predictions
Looking at the year passed, and times to come what song is your accommodation?
Use our easy test to find out!
A few words on how to resist the temptation... Edi takes us through a few simple steps Brunch is next in the firing line
THE BACK COVER trinity on snapchat contributors: ravi willder, nicholas wong, leo sands, elissa ford, siena mary, edison rragami, tom hughes-mclure, trinonymous, declan amphlett, college cat ii
JUNE 7. & 14., 2015
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BABE
Loves it...
introducing...the
FORMER PRESIDENT in-depth interview on page
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THE Q&A WITH THE PUSSY EX-PRESIDENT COLUMN W
We caught up with last year’s TCSU president, Tom Hughes-Mclure to muse over his formidable reign, the art of defined cheekbones and ell well…as you can see from Trinity-ness... the front cover, it’s been a rather dry start to the term at Q How do you feel about Cornelius as your successor? Trinity. I’ve been following the patterns I heard “Cornelius” is German for since the beginning of term, when we seemed to be off to a good start follow- A determined, So I’m sure the TCSU will get a lot done. However, handing the good ol’ prelim season before ing over the reigns is like trusting hitting some truly confounding figures someone to take your picture: if during the maths exam…I have to say, they screw up it looks bad on you I’ve noticed the peace and quiet at night as well, so obviously it can be nerve and the perpetually empty welfare piwracking. geon holes. All I seem to be able to find in them are used batteries…clearly some people are having fun at least. But on Q What is Trinity’s biggest faux pas? the whole, it’s a shame all those supplies c) Smize don’t smile, an over enA Trinity’s biggest faux pas is not should go to waste. thusiastic grin will make you look putting a decent full length mirror But that doesn’t mean it’s OK happy, ew. in my room. You would think the to judge people based on their sex lives. d) Men: if you shave the hair presidential palace would come That’s not OK at all, it’s only for me to do. around your cheekbones they will with such luxuries, but no: I had to And me alone. look more pronounced (same goes bring one myself. I guess the most exciting thing for your jawline, but if you don’t to rock Trinity this term has been the have one then best cover it up with ballot…along with all its associated se- Q How do you get such wonderfulsome facial hair), you’re welcome. ly defined cheekbones? cretiveness and plotting. I watched all of e) I have many mottos, but one of you line up along the grubby walls of An- A Defined cheekbones are an art them is “if you’ve got it, flaunt it, which can be learnt. Here are the gel Court, awaiting the judgement of the and if you don’t: filter it”. I don’t basic steps: accommodation office, full of joy, hopes like to filter aggressively, but a litand aspirations, only to come out cresttle contrast here and there can be a) Cheekbones are about light and fallen, dreams broken, term-long college your friend. dark, “chiaro-scurro” as the Italmarriages torn apart. ians say, so make sure your light Come on Trinity, I want some ing is on point. Flat light means a Q What’s the most Trinity-esque more fun, whatever has happened moment you’ve experienced? flat face. to the bike-stealing, evThe chaplain left a bottle of wine A b) Next make sure your pose is on er-“controversial¡”, overoutside my room at the beginning point: clench your chaw but avoid heard-at-cambridge-inof the year, welcoming me to the pushing your lips forward or you famous toppers of the Whewells F ‘hood. That was pretty will look too pouty, tilt your head Tompkins Table that I Trinity-esque down ever so slightly to catch the know and love? I’ll be light. expecting big things come May Week. Oh, and check out the TRAVISTY film…I wasn’t able to pull a cameo, but it looks like a decent watch…
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A DEFENCE SIR GEORGE OF PRELIMS
SUMMERS
(Lauren Brown pens something a bit like that Shelley essay you read once, but much more deeply profound…)
Sir George is back for another issue and ready to answer all of your college-related woes. If you’d like to submit a question, he can be reached at travistytrinity@gmail.com...
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s I put down my overpriced pen after three hours of watching my hand slowly cripple, spewing endless streams of words onto the page with vague hopes that nuggets of wisdom are somewhere accidentally wedged therein, my prelims are over. It is the first week of term. Nay, it is the two days before term has begun, and I’m already sweetly awash with the cool breeze of freedom. The prospect of summer lies hazily glimmering in the not-so-distant future, and my desk is piled high with beautiful volumes of Shakespeare that I know will only have to induce 5 essays. Stress melts away, and a crate of cheap beer is hastily purchased in the fervour of the moment. But wait, what is that I hear crackling my nascent bliss and storming like an out of control steam-engine into the arena of my awareness? It is my fellow students scorching my ears once more with: “Well, at least I do a real subject hahahahahahaha”. NO. No. The least you can do is pity me that Trinity is not ready to accommodate for my beer-drinking activities seeing as though no one is around…ever….and looks less like the palatial edifice it usually does, buzzing with life, but more like a ghost town, a post-apocalyptic abandonment. Secondly, ENGLISH IS A REAL SUBJECT AND THE EXAMS ARE STILL STRESSFUL. I am sorry that you have a lot of exams, haunting you from their throne that sits 5 weeks into the future, veritably stroking their proverbial cat and mocking you with the cheeky villainous grin only a maths exam could wear. I’m sorry that your HSPS exam, bedecked in layer upon layer of cultural garms and headdress
tauntingly waves the Nuer tribe before your eyes and endlessly questions your falsely embedded notions of wealth and gender and politics until your head spirals. I’m sorry if you, voyaging through strange seas of thought, have your NatSci exams looming over. Etc Etc Etc ETC…It scares me to say, and it undermines any sense of talent I thought I might tenuously possess, but here goes: so many people here could’ve done English, so if you really didn’t want to do ‘real’ exams, you should’ve done it (ignoring, of course, the horrendous job prospects and thinking more about the sense of soulful completeness and creative human awareness, but whatever). I hear NatSci’s talking about the capitalist crux of Kafka’s Metamorphosis and Mathmos revelling over the deconstruction of the impossibly idealistic American dream in The Great Gatsby, and realise most people here are better read than me. But you didn’t take English, and I did, and love it. And the exams therefore matter to me. And they might not count (thank the lord amen for this divine blessing thank you hallelujah), but they were our first Cambridge exams, so give it a rest, man. Don’t undermine what we love, and we will stop waving our red rag of freedom tauntingly before your bull-eyes by writing about it, at leisure, in a student publication.
Dear George Summers, The other day I had an exam at 9am and somehow managed to sleep through my alarm, arriving twenty minutes late, which was a bit of a nightmare. Do you have any tips on how I might improve my sleeping skills in the future? Dear Nocturnal Nincompoop, My advice to you would be to set multiple alarms and hide them around your room in order to force you out of bed. There’s also a couple of very handy things called ‘personal responsibility’ and ‘maturity’ which you might want to work on. Finally, seeing as this is Cambridge, I’m sure you can invoke some fancy rule from the 1300s which involves having a local child come to your accommodation and throw live geese at your window until you wake up / ask him what day it is. Dear George Summers, I feel like I’ve probably done incredibly badly in my exams. Next year I really want to get a first so I can continue the family tradition of becoming a politician and stepping on the poor – are there any handy tips you have on how to cheat in your exams? Dear Tripos Trickster, Cheating in an exam isn’t as hard as you might think. Just follow this simple () step guide. Compile all of your lecture notes and textbooks in one enormous pile. Read and memorise every single word of every single page. Go into the exam and use the facts you’ve memorised to answer the questions. No-one will ever know that you cheated by remembering it all! Good luck.
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exam-mind discharge Sleeping sleeping exams and then more sleeping and
s t r e (!)Eating (¡) and procrastination and more exam thinking and a bit of stressing then not
MENS' HAIRCUTS IN CAMBRIDGE! An interview with Trinity’s Barbershop N: We actually have 8 people in our Singers? I thought you guys were inenthusiasts by our crack reporter Ivana Barbershop, just in case people drop terested in Barbershops! Pullonyaleg out unexpectedly. N: We’re in a barbershop group- its a eek 6/7 is traditionally the Wow! One for each part- so the style of music. We sing a lot of covers if time most people get their fringe, the back, the sides, the top? that helps? haircut in Cambridge, espe- That’s really intense, do you have to B: WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPcially in Exam term. It makes sense- if pay more for that experience? PEN TO US you had a haircut just before term then now is the time that your hair is starting N: Huh? Um…they’re traditional- Oh God. This is incredibly embarto look a touch too shaggy, and you don’t ly called the tenor, lead, baritone and rassing. want to be looking like Mr Boombastic bass. for May Week so now is the perfect time B: And you don’t have to pay any more, B: ARGHHHHHHH BOWEN ANto get a fresh trim. With that in mind, you just pay for the whole group. Wait… GRY Travisty have tracked down two of Trin- fringe?…oh God Nick: BOWEN GO TO YOUR ity’s foremost experts on Barbershops, HAPPY PLACE…Its fine, honNick Wong and Bowen Wang, to find So where can you get estly, it happens to the best of out their thoughts on where to go in this amazing tailored us. week 7. experience? Lauren and Beth are going So-first things first: Its pretty unusu- B: Look, I don’t think to kill me! Screw it, where do al to be interested in Barbershops, so that… you get your hair cut? what got you into it? N: Well actually, we’re part of a barbershop N: Carmelo’s by the ADC, its Nick: I just signed up to everything at group called Fitz Barberpretty cheap, and the mane the Freshers Fair- it looked like a cool shop, and we’re having thing is that you don’t have and wacky thing to be involved in, al- an Evening of Cheese and toupée too much. though I never thought I’d make the Wine on Thursday 11th B: Stilo Nuovo Hair Studio. cut! June! Silky smooth hair every time. Bowen: I’ve been interested in barbershop all my life, there’s something quite That sounds amazing! Nick and Bowen will be perintimate about making a connection An evening of cheese forming in Fitz Barbershop at with 3 other guys in perfect harmony. and wine whilst I get their Evening of Cheese and The social aspect is great too. my hair cut? Where do I Wine with the Fitz Sirens on sign up?! Thursday 11th June. Order Three other guys…isn’t that a bit tickets on www.fitzbarbershop. much for a Barbershop? I assumed it N: Haircut? Wait what? co.uk for £4. would be one on one? We’re singers- you listen to us sing music whilst Some/all of this interview is a B: Well actually, it wouldn’t really work having cheese and wine fictitious fabrication. with just one other person. You’ve got to B: Not again…this hapget someone to do each of the four parts pens every time really.
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…………….and now episodes of
s
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Cambridge mix trinity bubble and it causes a shit stirring fucking not
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I can chill for a bit and watch twelve orange is the new black n
okay sense in my bowel and the bowel feels like it may explode onto the
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then stressing about not stressing and then realising exams are happening and then realising three exam they are not prelims but then in which also realising how they are only you feel part one and your part one is could be only one year unlike English the coming of Christ
AHAHAHA
im gonna go to espresso library and pretend that this is a productive working is that even okay I used to watch ([five thousand]) environment and then go to episodes of Louis theroux what a bloody babe lol michaelhouse because I I used the word babe omg exams omfg exams but also always go on about how no but then again yes exams ha ha no ha ok no ha half price food is a but also really no why do people even stress but god send then we have to stress because we are in a weird but also feeling a little catholic guilt because I have revoked my religion but damn, the food sure tastes good OMG EXAMS no y yyy y y y y y y y x23 I just don’t even know what I mean literally the world – the world is both simultaneously amazing slash not amazing but really Cambridge exams just need to go a lick their own arse with one of them weirdly rough cat tongues and get a grip but then again I do think I may throw up about the prospect of exams but then my sister calls me and tells me to get a grip but she got a double first, bitch, so I mean…N0 – went to charity shops ha ha I am giving to the needy whilst getting something in return- life- no – examsssszzsszz ha ha oh god coffee and a purple juice. Is it ever ok to pee in the sink? Never mind anything else? by crystal chandelier
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REFLECTIONS&PREDICTIONS Trinonymous offers up some musings do kind of enjoy is the awkward threefor exam term... day faux-fresher’s week experience that the illustrious institution the Universihe one thing to get us through ty of Cambridge offers. Freshers: equal exam season is to think of parts: awkward, weirdly sweet and fearpost-exam season, right? Let’s ful - accompanied with artfully disornot lie to ourselves, while lingering in ganised, supposedly “gangsta” bops (in the library of your choice (UL for the which, supposedly 2sik4skl awkward hardcore, college library for the ma- gangsta moves/slick rick DJ moves will jority, and the bedroom for the truly not be used to “shark” on new fresher reclusive), the thing getting most of us gal-pals at all). through it is not the thought of academic success or glory as we gaze at those thoughtful, loving, blatantly public Thoughts of next-year curboards placed outside the senate house rently veer on the hopefully but thoughts of a post-exam work-less, excruciatingly painful (but #yolo what’s optimistic with a hard-dose done is) may-ball season. And buried of reality and mild cynicism in the depths of procrastination, us thoughtful souls at Travisty have turned to the near way-distant future - the ac- There will be no recruiting for friendademic year 2015/2016 (apologies to all ly, menage-a-trois activities by propthose graduating, we’ll miss ya x). agators of said slick-rick dance moves Thoughts of next-year currently - even though really it’s just a gesture of veer on the hopefully optimistic with a good ol’ neighbourly loving. hard-dose of reality and mild cynicism, But the bright-eyed young because being overly optimistic is igno- freshers ought to have no fear, berance, and here at Tompkin’s Table-top- cause C-O-N-S-E-N-T is a thing, and ping Trinity (that’s incredibly allitera- will hopefully become a concept that tive) we don’t like ignorance. What we is (idk, mildly easy to grasp?) - because
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no means no, and yes means yes and there are also a hundred other non-verbal and verbal ways to assent and agree, and we’re all intelligent enough to get it by now. And if we want to debate the intricacies then there will be consent classes, because as a college we are new, progressive and cutting-edge (#notalwaysthesame #notsempereadem). This not-so-mystical near way-distant future shines brightly, just like the cute little footlights illuminating the path to Burrell’s. Shines almost as brightly as the eyes of many a hopeful second and third year single-pringle fresher boy and girl, upon spotting the new supposed Greek God/Goddess of the first-years. (College parents will definitely not try and get there first). If we’re being oh so hopeful then maybe New Court may emerge from the summer months done and dusted, and the much-beloved TCSU president will have wangled his way into getting us bigger beds - so that we may rest at night, happily star-fishing. But like near way-distant future is still kind of distant - so let’s ruminate on exams, finishing exams and the joys of May Balls for now.
WHAT SONG IS YOUR ACCOMMODATION? Declan Amphlett takes us on a musical sadly overshadowed by its big brother tour around Trinity... Great Court. Antonio Salieri (go and watch Amadeus by the way, it’s a really ell-established, right in the great film) middle of all the action, Not massively popular amongst and especially popular with the mainstream, but fiercely defended current second years, WHEWELL’S, by its die-hard fans, ANGEL COURT which hosted parts of that classic video isn’t the most glamorous of locations, campaign #TaylorAtTrinity is of course but it certainly has character. Its inthe unforgettable Taylor Swift – ‘Shake habitants are often self-deprecating it Off ’. about their surroundings, but they love Inside Whewell’s Court we it really. The Smiths – ‘Heaven Knows of course have the highly sought after I’m Miserable Now’ PRESIDENT’S ROOM, which this Hi-tech, modern, and pamyear has been every single song ever by pered, with its top-class facilities and Britney Spears. Sources tell us that next spacious rooms, the WOLFSON year we might be more likely to hear BUILDING is easy to hate if you aren’t hardcore German techno though. in it. Naturally its inhabitants end up An absolute classic; old, mag- having a bit of a superiority complex. isterial, popular mainly amongst old Kanye West – ‘I Am A God’ white men, GREAT COURT is a bas- Whether you’re in one of tion of architectural magnificence, re- BLUE BOAR COURT’S modern room spected by pretty much everyone. Wolf- with an ensuite bath (what) or in an old gang Amadeus Mozart. one with mahogany furniture, you’ll BISHOP’S HOSTEL is a probably end up feeling pretty fancy. well-hidden and quiet sanctuary, but Iggy Azalea – ‘Fancy’
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The slightly distant (distant in Trinity terms of course meaning further than ten seconds’ walk away) BURRELL’S FIELD is a pleasant, green and very popular destination, with great facilities and nice views. It’s also got some pretty cottages. Blur – ‘Country House’ PEARCE HOSTEL has ovens! Nelly – ‘Hot in Here’ Seriously, does anyone even live in NEVILE’S COURT? Simon and Garfunkel – ‘The Sound of Silence’ With all of the building work going on in NEW COURT this year, the obvious choice is the world’s current favourite song about masonry destruction. Miley Cyrus – ‘Wrecking Ball’. We’ve put together a Spotify playlist with all the songs to aid your revision! Just scan the QR code or head over to https://goo.gl/0iMuoC
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FINDING FORM AT FORMAL In his third column, Ravi Willder considers the etiquette of Formal Hall, offering up a series of palatable do’s and don’ts for the weeks ahead...
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h, formal. As another Trinityear™ draws to a close, so another year of gastronomic frivolity in the Great Hall ends, with formals soon to be only a nostalgic memory for some graduates as they wipe away a tear from their cheek remembering the carefree nights of their youth. It is apt, then, for the pages of this publication to memorialize these £11 slices of Dionysian joy, as well as acting as a guide for those lucky enough to still be at Trinity next year – a prospect that seems almost beyond the realms of reality for some hedonistic freshers who may have already been defeated in the opening skirmish of the Tripos war. Welcome to Travisty’s list of do’s and don’t s for the culinary cornerstone of Trinity life: DO choose your dining compadres wisely: as the motley crew of begowned undergraduates forms outside the hall, situate yourself close to those with whom you wish to accompany you on the approaching journey. Avoid those whom you fear might punctuate your stimulating conversation with a wretch of winey vomit that will drip all over the table – as well as your dreams of refined dining. DO keep items of food and drink firmly grounded at all times: throwing food, escorted by any remaining modicum of dignity you might have once had, across the hall is not to be recommended. Whilst, say, a mince-pie or chicken leg might, to a drink-addled mind, seem to be objects of the greatest aerodynamicism, be rest assured that they are not. Leave plotting trajectories and parabolas to Mathmos, not startled fellow diners please. DO remember basic etiquette at the table: in the words of one fresher, the ‘biggest disappointment of Matriculation dinner was the amount of people who
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couldn’t use a cheese knife’. Come on, Trinity, we don’t expect much – just the bare minimum to distinguish ourselves from baser sorts of animals, whose lack of cutlery prowess will most likely lead to a Darwinian-esque extinction as they struggle to dissect their food in correct – and socially approved – manner.
perilous danger of actually having to socially interact with all your mental faculties intact with one of your peers – the horror, the horror! DON’T bombard your neighbours with pennies if you’re an arts student: while it may seem amusing to force a peer to down their wine in jovial fashion, there is a very real chance that you are frittering away a large portion of any future Look after the pennies, and disposable income in doing so. Look afthe pounds look after them- ter the pennies, and the pounds look afselves, goes the old adage, ter themselves, goes the old adage, and this must be kept in mind at all times. and this must be kept in At all costs, never make the mortal mismind at all times. take of imbuing a fellow diner’s desert with a silver five penny – the loss of this could increase your retirement age by at DON’T mistime your alcohol intake: least half a decade, and that’s using optime management and organization, timistic projections. whilst only moderately useful in terms of arriving to supervisions on time (punctuality’s over-rated anyway), is of paramount importance when consuming your chosen beverage for the night. Go too early, and you’re at risk of toppling a bench in your stupor as you rise for grace; too late, and you face the
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HOW TO BE GOOD AT EXAMS In his third column, Edison Rragami done something productive. For more tells it how it is this exam term... advanced persons, one can even scribble aimlessly on a piece of paper, as if ell other people how well you you are making last minute notes. This are doing. Grab the nearest per- is important, as then you can do other son. Politely ask how they are. things. Before they can muster a reply, clutch the sides of their head and detail how well your revision is going. Scream past “Wha- what! That isn’t paper statistics at their face and proeven examinable!” they claim your mastery of the outer fringes cry as the crushing of your course. “Wha- what! That isn’t weight of inadequacy even examinable!” they cry as the crushfalls onto their shoulder ing weight of inadequacy falls onto their shoulder. Let the last thing they hear be of your ambitions to top the year be- Get extremely drunk the night before fore they are lost to the abyss. Good job. your exams. Then, if you do badly the Spend a good hour every day flicking next day, you can naturally blame it through your notes. Be sure not to read on the alcohol: a story of failure fully any of it at all, just the act of turning transformed into a heart warming tale to stand up to Cambridge and live their pages will bring you a sense of having of one plucky individuals struggle life.
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THE WEEKLY RANT
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f you’re reading this, you’re probably sat at Brunch. Brunch, of course, is practically a Trinity institution. Fry up, free hot drinks, a copy of the Observer which is splattered in baked beans and a load of your friends reading the seminal Trinity rag. You’re having a good time, enjoying Sunday morning to its full potential and probably deciding which toilet you threw up in last night via a process of elimination. You and your friends are likely, however, to be causing seating carnage. Everyone’s been there. You turn up to Brunch, tray laden and set your eyes out across Hall. There’s a lot of empty plates but the benches are full to bursting of the worst type of Brunch sitter: the loiterers. Suddenly your group can’t sit together, or practically anywhere. Five people squeeze into a small gap which could probably only seat one, average sized rower, whilst the Third Years who
you’ve crammed in next too derisively look at you like they look at anyone under the age of 20 before turning back to their empty plates and the space they are so unhelpfully luxuriating in.
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Leave after half an hour. Channel that Tudor virtue and don’t take up so much fucking space.
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But remember that for the luxurious space you’re enjoying, there’s always about ten people pushed together, practically sat on top of each other trying to enjoy themselves as well. The Trinity motto is Virtus Vera Nobilitas--for the non-Latin speaking amongst the readership (it’s okay, you can admit it), that translates as ‘virtue is true nobility’. So be noble. Move up the table. Leave after half an hour. Channel that Tudor virtue and don’t take up so much fucking space.
Elbows in plates, coffee spilt by knocking arms, catching an unwelcome whiff of scrambled egg and smoked salmon because your nose is practically inside your friend’s food. Carnage in Trinity College. Brunch is, of course, a social time. Catch up, have a chat. Enjoy your leisurely hate read of the Mail on Sunday.
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watch the new film
https://goo.gl/giwMpc