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invented the worst punishment they can impose on speakers and called it a blacklist? Sends mixed signals says I. As for edition special, I mean, we had a think. Apparently November the 3rd is National Slap A Ginger Day but unfortunately the ones I know are all northern and would beat me up. Bonfire also seemed a nice idea but we have zero bonfire/Guy Fawkes articles, so despite what you might think, the front cover is an actual rocket being pointed at St John’s. This is not a drill, the war has begun. Alexa, play Pumped up Kicks. As a result, this is simply Travisty 30. Like Adele I guess, although let’s not get carried away, we’re not Adele – we don’t say “they was”. Enjoy.

WEEK 5 HITS HARD. I’ve got 100 pages of coursework to do in the next two weeks, I have infections from two separate biological kingdoms, and Sainsbury’s say I’m no longer allowed to smell the produce for freshness as it “disturbs people”. I hope all of you are faring better, and if not, sucks to be you ahaha. Well, what else is new in Cambridge? Some interesting things have occurred at the Union. An art historian was blacklisted, not because of the fact that art history isn’t a real degree – which would make more sense – but because he did a bad Hitler impression. In a debate on “poor taste”. Also, am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that the Union were disgusted at his words describing black people, then immediately

-Eoin

Alex Zhirnova Emancipated from serfdom in 1856, Alex has been happily writing for Travisty ever since

Eoin Walsh “A middle of the road engineer” - IB Structures Supervisor, 2019. This week, watch Eoin fail to understand crosswords

Harry Metrebian A veteran of the satirical arts and our resident historical expert

Arun ‘Ethics’ Prabhakar He’s never seen an “ethics” before but he has his binoculars and shotgun ready if he does

Leo Versteegen Horoscope extraordinaire, Chief of Horny Police, and occasional German Dylan Toh Calendar specialist and Among Us merchandise expert (very sus)

Lidija Beric The one and only Irish Communist Jew with sex appeal. Last seen trying to find a calculator, please come back soon

Misha Medvedev Our incredible photographer, cartoonist, and definitely genuinely reputable journalist

Matthew Sargent Here to tick the diversity quota, we don’t let him near the computer in case he steals it and eats all the copper wiring (again)

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Agnijo Banerjee Cryptic AND cross, you’d better not tell him he made a mistake or he’ll batter you

2 Cover photo by Misha Medvedev

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Headlines of the Week TRAVISTY UNDER FIRE FOR HIGH LIBEL It has emerged that the dead fellow referred to in a certain article in Travisty #29 was not, in fact, dead – just decrepit. When this information reached the public ear questions were raised concerning the veracity of the Travisty information pipeline as a whole, with some members of the community even alleging the respectable magazine is committed to spreading ‘fake news’. One representative said: “We would like to reassure all readers, and confirm that Travisty is firmly committed to– oh look, that’s a pretty butterfly!” (Story cont.ed on p.36)

ST JOHN’S SEIZES TRINITY PUNT OVER RIVER ROW Official reports indicate that St. John’s has seized TCP Fluffy, pride of the Trinity fleet, in a dramatic step-up from their previous stance of Trinity punts in their waters. A spokesperson from St. John’s has claimed that the punt was undertaking aggressive manoeuvres near their maritime boundaries, violating the Four-Power Treaty of 1922. In a gross departure from his usual caring demeanour, our

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Dean Alan Windle bluntly responded, “We would strongly advise our dear friends in the filth downstream to prenez un grip and donnez-nous un break.” In a show of force, the Dean has approved the commission of a Vanguard Class Nuclear submarine equipped with Trident Missiles. In a remarkable coincidence, the Trinity Responsible Investment Society has ceased operations.

CHORISTER CAUGHT NOT HAVING SEX ON CHAPEL ALTAR IN BREAKING SCANDAL The Choir of Trinity College Cambridge has been swept with scandal and disrepute as one member was caught redhanded in the Chapel at night. The wrong’un led his ladyfriend into the house of God, under the cover of night, and then in a shocking break from choir tradition did not utilise the altar for pre-marital sins of the flesh. Our Morality correspondent is now able to reveal that some are speculating they only engaged in heavy petting, after which the scallywag crossed himself, briefly knelt, and left.

RAM LAUNDRY CARDS DISCOVERED TO CAUSE 50% OF TRINITY CO2 EMISSIONS A recent study produced by researchers at Trinity was presented at the COP26 conference in Glasgow yesterday.

Analyzing the GHG emissions of the college, 26% was due to Trinity’s previous fossil fuel investments, 4% from college operations, and an unsurprising 72% from the production of RAM laundry cards. Disregarding the copious amounts of plastic waste produced, the lower bound estimate of the laundry card emissions is 74 million metric tons of CO2 equivalents, just above the annual emissions of Turkmenistan in 2018. The college’s official response states “The RAM Cards are a necessary step to ensure that only Trinity students have access to the laundromat.” Further requests for clarification have been met with a whole lot of nada.

LIQUID COCAINE INTRODUCED IN BAR As week five sets in and the sun sets on our hopes, dreams, and will to live, the Catering Department has looked to our favourite high-pressure working environments for ways to cope with the pressure. City bankers make Trinmos look like Englings in terms of workloads, so our merciful bar has introduced a few new drinks to help us get through term. Espressos will now be replaced with cocaine administered in liquid form, to help you get back to work at 3am after a night at Mash (having gone there after finishing work at 2am). And instead of water, the jug near the entrance will be dispensing pure adrenaline

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from now on. (Consult the caption competition for further information)

SOCIETY FUNDING DECIDED BY WHEEL OF FORTUNE The Travisty offers its thanks to its undercover team, who have, under cloak and candle, bore witness to hooded ACC figures at the society funding meeting and their golden wheel of fortune. We sought out the President of the Trinity Taxidermy Society for a few comments on the matter. “Wow, no way. Who in the world would’ve thought that the process was random”, he remarked. “If anything, why on earth would you use a wheel of fortune? Anyone with a brain would know the wheel biases towards the starting position. Haven’t they heard of random.org?” We at Travisty are starting a petition to discard this antiquated system by 2040, but we hope to push it forward to 2039 with enough support.

ANDREW GRAHAMDIXON TO TAKE OVER AS JUNIOR BURSAR

LIBRARY TO BE GIVEN NEW 26-HOUR OPENING TIMES

It may be more typical for the Union at Bullcrossing University to launch careers, but the Little Art Historian who Could is making real history by doing otherwise. After a muchpublicised speech at the Cambridge Union, Andrew Graham-Dixon has been offered the prestigious Junior Bursarship at Trinity College.

After a comprehensive student survey, it was found that Trinity neither achieves nor facilitates long enough workdays. Following this our brave library staff will be stretching the boundaries of Newtonian (PBUH) Physics with new library opening hours, stretching from Midnight through to Two O’clock the next morning. Naysayers have reared their heads here and there, but were promptly whack-a-mole’d back down by the Senior Tutor. Those who may intend to leave the library early are reminded of the (perennial) existence of the Great Court snipers.

Our Union correspondent, Benedict Darcy Sebastian Montague-Shill, reports that Mr G-Dixon demonstrated fine leadership, a liking for liquor that exceeded his tolerance, and a truly public school obliviousness of comedic taste: all essential qualities in the Trinity man. Or woman. And our financial correspondent, Eoin ‘receipts’ Walsh, reports that the Junior Bursar has a substantial hand in assigning society funding. We wish Mr. Dixie the very best in his new post.

Your esteemed journalists this week: Misha Medvedev (Finance and culture correspondent) and Arun Prabhakar (Political and Legal Editor)

Think you can do better than us? You probably can! Come to our next writers’ meeting - Monday 15th November, 7pm, JCR! Domino’s Pizza and Krispy Kremes provided, 100% NOT A SCAM Like our Facebook page, or email us at travistytrinity@gmail.com to subscribe to our mailing list. Or just send us an article with no warning! We’ll take anything. Floreat Pica

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Nothing special happens in November Dylan search for distractions from reality As Halloween brings October to a terrifying end, one might wonder (as one desperately tries to catch up on a week’s worth of coursework) if November will be anything as exciting. Rest assured, your calendar will be barren as the Dining Hall on Monday mornings. In fact, there’s so little that happened that it’s much more interesting to talk about what didn’t happen. Here’s a list of 5 events you didn’t miss in November so far: 1. World Vegan Day (1 November) The premise is indisputable: going vegan has loads of health and environmental benefits, so regardless of whether you’re a selfish pr*ck or a philanthropic b*stard, veganism is for you. However, it became apparent that there was a mysterious uncoordinated avoidance of vegan meals since the start of the month. Further investigation revealed the underlying reason: students were under the general impression that vegan options carry significant legume content, and most were eagerly participating in the inaugural anti-nut internet challenge in November. 2. Magpie and Stump Roast Night (3 November) Ever since the Travisty Freshers’ Edition shamelessly plugged Magpie and Stump (in particular, promising that “the first show is soon to be announced”), the self-proclaimed comedy society followed up the hype with two jam-packed weeks of absolutely nothing. Tired of waiting for the punchline, a group of angry comedians decided to host an impromptu comedy night at the College Bar, with the central theme of dissing M&S (not to be confused with the glorious M&S, bearing delicious 3-for-£7 meals and tiramisu). If successful, the group then planned to start their own comedy society, Wren and Cloister. In desperation, Magpie and Stump finally reached out to its clown following with a cult comedy film screening. Although the event was restricted to a measly audience size of 12, it was enough to satisfy its entourage and quell the uprising; those with actual comedic interest had long given up hope on the society and joined the Travisty writing team instead. 3. ඞmong Us Live-Action (4-10 November) Unbeknownst to the student community, the college-wide ඞmong Us Live-Action Game began on midMichaelmas and lasted for the full week. Every student, willing or unwilling, was a participant. The crewmates’ tasks were to keep up with the course material, and submit their essays, example sheets, and practical reports to their supervisors on time. The imposters could disrupt this in any number of ways: by asking irrelevant questions during lectures and talks, spreading communicable diseases, or lowering the daily maximum temperature. The slaughter mechanic was not implemented to avoid confusion with the Cambridge Assassins’ Guild (or reawakening the Great Court sniper), but emergency meetings and ejections were still realised by means of an audience with the Dean. At the end of the week, it was revealed that no one was an imposter, and those that seemed sus just needed wholesome support from good company. 4. Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day (8 November) To avoid mass triggering of fire alarms while retaining the spirit of fearless adventure, the event was rebranded to “Visit the Room of Your Trinmo Friend Who Hasn’t Showered or Done Laundry in a Week” Day. Naturally, the fire alarms still went off anyway (PSA: your lasagna shouldn’t ever smell like campfire). 5. World Kindness Day (13 November) Kindness is so deeply ingrained in Trinity culture that no one thought there was a need to celebrate this day of benevolence. Indeed, it manifests in the little things that we do every day:

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• Turn up punctually to rowing sessions • Clean up the gyp after making a mess • Avoid talking loudly in common areas at 1:27am. The injury tally generated by the Great Court Run is further evidence of the degree to which us students instinctively look out for one another. As we brave yet another week of lectures and supervisions, we continue to draw comfort in our empathetic, supportive, and inclusive Trinity spirit. Wishing all Travisty readers (and non-readers, but then you won’t be reading this) a mildly pleasant feeling of anticipation for the arrival of Bridgemas!

Caption Competition

Send your caption into travistytrinity@gmail.com and you could win a special prize! Last week’s winner: Phoebe Hall: “There must be something in the water”

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Cartoon of the Week

Riddle of the Week I am a bug, the caterpillar from Bug’s Life, and the Dad from Inside Out - what am I? Do you know the answer? Send it into travistytrinity@gmail.com and you could win a special prize! Last week’s answer: Bullet in Alec Baldwin’s gun. Last week’s winner: Not Alec Baldwin

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Agony Aunt Whether you’ve banged your knee or your sister, we’re here to help Your aunts in agony this week: Alma Crasmaru, Olivia Wilkinson and James Read Dear Agony Aunt, I’m in love with RP @ T, help! Which one??? Dear Agony Aunt, I’ve been rejected by my crush 50 times already, is it 51st time lucky? Right, this is a very good sign. The thing you have to remember about girls is that if they reject you, it’s them testing how much you like them. The more they tell you to piss off, that you’re a good friend but you’re making it really awkward, that they just don’t like you that way and they’d really appreciate if you understood that - the more they want to have your babies, so make sure to keep asking her out. Good work soldier. I’m sure she’ll swoon into your arms soon. Dear Agony Aunt, I’m in love with SW and I’m devastated he’s leaving, what do I do? This is truly a tale of woe. SW, TCSU C&PO 2019-2020 (arguably still now) has a job starting in January and we wish him the greatest of success. However, there is hope. At first light on the third day, at dawn, look to the East (make that some weekend soon, and to the train station), he’s coming back and we’re downing some port together. Dear Agony Aunt, a friend of mine just won’t stop acting in plays, and it’s getting a problem. Almost all of my student loan IGS is going on theatre tickets. Worse - he seems to be cast as the very same character in each one, which is also just his normal self. How do I avoid being sucked into an endless whirlpool of thespianism? This is a very good question. It takes great courage to stand up to the quiet and passive hubris of your thesp friends. To truly understand what to do, I believe you have to see an example of a gentle and meek character undergo this internal reflection to become the better person, the true hero. And to do this you should see Matthew Sargent at the Corpus playroom for the Lady Margaret Players production of David! Tuesday 16th to Saturday 20th! Dear Agony Aunt, I’m kind of in a relationship but the guy I’m seeing has said I can’t cheat on him, is this a major red flag or what? Lidija *bonk* what have I told you *bonk* about allowing *bonk* emotional *bonk* connection

One-liners: “What’s the most normal thing you’ve ever done?” Eoin Arun Alex Leo Misha Harry Everyone else

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Drank Mountain Dew and shouted “Reeeeeee” outside King’s at midnight once Tested negative for COVID Ordered at McDonald’s drive-thru and did not ask for ligma Gram-Schmidt Overthrown a democratically elected Central American leader to maximise the quarterly turnover of my banana empire Got rejected by Oxford Ignored Eoin’s one-liner request even though he asked several times nicely

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The Best Sports for Finding The One For someone who died after a half-hour cycle, Alex sure knows a lot about sports Something I wish my mother had taught me before college is that chess and Magic the Gathering™ are not exactly brimming with hot singles. The odds are good, but the goods are odd, as they say. Same goes for dodgeball, however sexy Ben Stiller may make it look. So, to save you the embarrassment of meeting people based on the nerdy hobbies you actually like, here is a definitive list of attractive sports you should consider. 1. Wet T-shirt Cardio Also sometimes referred to as rowing, punting, and kayaking, this is a perfect opportunity to show off your underwear to guys with huge sun-burnt chests. You can also demonstrate how well you handle a pole… oar… paddle? 2. Cock and Ball Torture Also sometimes referred to as tennis, squash and badminton, these arduous high-cardio activities are your perfect excuse to make inappropriate noises at guys in tiny shorts. 3. Croquette Not sure why that’s a sport but the pumpkin ones are really tasty. 4. Social Climbing Any sport that involves scaling a vertical surface, such as bouldering, abseiling and rock-climbing, offers ample opportunity for preppy guys with massive forearms to look up at your ass. 5. Ultimate Frisbee I swear this one’s some kind of eldritch cult. They gather in circles and shout; they’re way too athletic for this kind of exercise; and they’re all virgins. Nice asses though. 6. Swimming. Hahahah breast stroke…That’s funny. 7. Cheese rolling While this is not a well-represented sport at Trinity, it adds to your ‘Great British Eccentric’ style. Plus, who wouldn’t want to date someone that loves cheese this much?

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Crossword Agnijo was busy, so he asked Eoin to do the crossword. What could go wrong? As a Travisty Editor, I strive to continue the proud tradition of having no idea what makes it into this thing. So when Agnijo told me last night that he was having too much fun in Las Vegas, partying on the 32nd floor of the Mandalay Bay Hotel, to write the crossword, I thought, why not? I get cross sometimes. So here’s my cross word of the week: Servery. And I’m generous so I’ll give you another. Menu. Here’s what £18k a year gets you at Trinity: SERVERY MENU - WEEK ENDING: 7TH NOVEMBER

Monday

(1st November)

Tuesday

LUNCH

(2nd November)

Wednesday (3rd November)

Thursday (4th November)

Friday (5th November)

Saturday (6th November)

LUNCH

Sunday (7th November) LUNCH

Soup (v)

Mains

• Vegetable and Pearl Barley Soup (DF, vegan)

• Sweet Potato and Red Pepper Soup (DF, WF, vegan)

• Hot and Sour Soup (WF, v)

• Leek & Potato Soup (v)

• Mushroom & Tarragon Soup

• Courgette & Garlic Soup (WF)

• Sunday Brunch

Mains

• Smoked Paprika Chicken Breast (DF, WF) • Tofu & Vegetable Ragu (DF, WF,

• Poached Hake (DF, WF) • Feta & Pepper Tortilla (WF, v)

• Hickory & Applewood Smoked Pork Neck End (WF) • Lentil Stew with Root Vegetables (vegan)

Stuffed Chicken Legs (DF) • Vegetable Filo Tart (v) • Confit Chicken Legs (DF, WF)

vegan)

Sides • Pea and Kale Risotto (WF) • Broccoli (DF, WF, vegan)

Sides • Tomato & Fennel Ragu (DF, WF, vegan)

• Black Olive & Herb Tagliatelle (DF)

Daily Special (vegan) • Durum Wheat Pasta with Arrabiata Sauce (DF, vegan)

• Mange Tout (DF, WF, vegan)

Dessert

Daily Special (vegan)

• Ginger Cake (v)

• Jacket Potato with Baked Beans (DF, WF, vegan)

Sides

(DF, WF, vegan)

Sides

• Sweet Potato Wedges (DF, WF, vegan)

vegan)

• Green Beans (DF, WF, vegan)

• Cauliflower Cheese

Daily Special (vegan)

• Jacket Potato with Lentil Chilli

• Rice with Stir Fry Vegetables & Chickpeas (vegan)

Dessert

• Millionaire's Shortbread

• Vanilla White Chocolate Mousse (WF, v) • Berry compote (DF, WF, vegan)

Dessert • Toffee Apple Sponge • Custard

Mains • Lamb & Potato Navarin (DF,

• Battered Cod • Mediterranean Stuffed Peppers (v)

• Shallot Sauce DF, WF) • Boiled New Potatoes (DF, WF,

(DF, WF, vegan)

Mains

• Baked Herb Crumb Cod (DF, WF)

WF)

• Vegetarian Moussaka (v) Sides • Baton Carrot and Swede (DF, WF, vegan)

Sides • Green Herb Sauce (DF, WF, vegan)

• Chips (DF, WF, vegan) • Peas (vegan) Daily Special (vegan) • Jacket Potato with Ratatouille

Daily Special (vegan) • Durum Wheat Pasta with Napolina Sauce (DF, vegan) Dessert • Bakewell Tart (v) • Custard

(DF, WF, vegan)

Dessert • Warm Lemon Drizzle Cake (v)

DINNER

Soup (v)

• Sweet Potato and Red Pepper Soup (DF, WF, vegan)

• Hot and Sour Soup (WF, v)

• Leek & Potato Soup (v)

• Mushroom & Tarragon Soup

• Courgette & Garlic Soup (WF)

• Yellow Pea Soup (DF, WF, vegan)

• Cream of Cauliflower Soup (WF,

Mains

• Pork Loin Steak (DF, WF) • Beetroot Falafel (DF, WF, vegan)

• Southern Fried Chicken Fillets

(DF, WF, vegan)

Mains

• BBQ Chicken Pizza • Sticky BBQ Jack Fruit Pizza (v,

• Deep Fried Chicken Balls (DF) • Tempura Vegetables (DF, vegan) • Ginger and Garlic Chicken (DF,

• Cheese & Bacon Beef Burgers • Jack Fruit & Vegan Mozzarella Burgers (DF, v)

vegan)

WF)

Mains

• Cajun BBQ Chicken Breast Sides

Sides • Sweet and Sour Sauce (DF, WF,

• Spicy Potato Wedges • Coleslaw (DF, WF, v)

vegan)

Daily Special (vegan)

vegan)

• Aubergine Tagine With Pitta Bread (DF, vegan) Dessert • Crème Brulee (WF)

• Stir Fry Vegetables (DF, WF, • Stir-fried Noodles (DF, v) • Prawn Crackers (DF) Daily Special (vegan) • Boiled Rice with Chickpea, Red lentil & Spinach Dahl (DF, WF, vegan)

Mains • Lamb Moussaka • Vegetable Lancashire Hotpot (DF, vegan)

Sides • Burger Bun • Rustic Chips (DF, WF, vegan) • Peas (vegan) Daily Special (vegan) • Pasta with Pepperonata Sauce (DF, vegan)

Dessert • Chocolate Chip Sponge • White Chocolate Custard

• Minced Lamb Hotpot (DF, WF) Sides • Broccoli (DF, WF, vegan) • Roasted Courgettes (DF, WF, vegan)

Daily Special (vegan) • Pasta with Garlic and Mushrooms (DF, vegan)

Sides • Creamy Pepper Sauce (WF) • Noisette Potatoes (WF) • Green Beans (DF, WF, vegan) Daily Special (vegan) • Kung Pao Cauliflower with Rice (DF, WF, vegan)

Dessert • Tiffin Cake (v)

(DF)

• Southern Fried Quorn Escalope (v)

Sides • Sweet Chilli Mayonnaise (DF, WF, v)

• Tomato Wraps (DF, vegan) • Potato Wedges (DF, WF, vegan) • Red Cabbage and Kale Slaw (vegan)

Daily Special (vegan)

• Nutella Mousse (WF, v)

Dessert

vegan)

Dessert

• Roast Beef (DF, WF) • Nut Roast (WF, v) Sides

• Rice with Dum Aloo (DF, WF,

Dessert

Mains

• Roast Potatoes (vegan) • Green Cabbage (DF, WF, vegan) • Peas (vegan) • Carrot & Leek Sauce (WF, v) • Horseradish Sauce (WF, v) • Roast Beef Gravy (DF, WF) • Yorkshire Pudding (v) Daily Special (vegan) • Spiced Lentil & Chickpea Patties (vegan) Dessert

• Twix Cheesecake (v) • Rhubarb Pie (v) Pouring Cream v) DISHES MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF•NUTS OR NUT(WF, BY-PRODUCTS

• Passion Fruit Meringues

SOME OF THE FOOD PROVIDED AT THESE PREMISES CONTAINS INGREDIENTS PRODUCED FROM GENETICALLY MODIFIED SOYA BEANS AND MAIZE FURTHER INFORMATION IS AVAILABLE FROM STAFF

Monday rolls around, and I’m greeted with mange tout. First, it’s in French, so obviously it’s bad, and if a food is promiscuous enough to try to convince you to eat it, clearly it can’t be good. I ate well on Tuesday, mostly because I didn’t go to Hall, but I bet the only poaching done was stealing that hake from the market. Wednesday we saw the sweet potato wedges that are somehow burnt at the ends and so raw it’s still in the soil in the middle. The evening was good, as if to compensate for the brutality of the next few days. Thursday gifted us chickens that were clearly bullied into anorexia on the farm due to the lack of meat on the bone, and a moussaka that left my stomach as functioning as the Greek economy. Friday - the end of a tough week, but the start of an even tougher pork loin steak. Don’t worry you can have the vegan option of vinegar-soaked cashews. And a “dessert” with raisins. RAISINS! Saturday they bring out the moussaka again for sloppy seconds, as if it didn’t hurt us enough on Thursday. They also offer a Twix Cheesecake that contains less than half of a single twix, which itself is half of a Twix. Where does it end with these people? Sunday though, good stuff. Brunch & Roast always solid, although Trinity do this weird thing whenever they serve pie or crumble that they leave fruit under it so you have to skim that off. Overall: 7/10. I mean, I don’t have anywhere else to go, my neighbours keep stealing my kitchen utensils and trying to convince me I’ve actually “thrown them at all the freshers passing Blue Boar T”. Pfft.

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Sudoku Time Agnijo switches position - it’s hexy time Solve these, and win a free pat on your back, and maybe even a shoulder rub, from Agnijo himself

Last edition’s winners: Eve Simpson Andrew Sellek Dylan Toh Ziyou Lu Joshua Teo who will receive Among Us plush toys, some chocolate, or maybe even a hit of dopamine

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Which Trin Breakfast food are You? Arun loses the plot slightly Sausages – A nice solid start. You may well be a NatSci, and if you don’t row you at least do some other sport. Perhaps rugby. Again like NatScis, I always take two with my breakfast. Bacon – Bacon comes from pigs; pigs are police; porters are the police of the college. But I don’t think porters read Travisty (as of yet – note to self to have the box of Travisties slip out of my hands as I walk through the plodge). So instead, you’re a compsci. Mmm, compsci and eggs. I do hope the compscis I know don’t take that personally, ’twas merely a general conceptual remark upon the haecceity of compscihood. Unless… Vegan Bacon – Just how many badges are there on your tote bag? Hash Browns – I had a supervision once in which we spent an hour discussing whether the present King of France is bald. Nonsense, you say; what kind of lily-livered tripos would be so far removed from the real world as to think there is a present King of France? But in fact it is you on whom the dab is cast, for it rather speaks to the worldliness of the Philosophical Tripos that France’s contemporary republican nature is not only acknowledged but taken to be a presupposition. We’re so worldly that we can just assume knowledge of such matters. But even we, philosophers, are not quite as concrete as you, the hash brown. Tomatoes (whole, cooked) – A dying breed, and a strong one, too. You’re called Gas or Bad or somesuch, and I’m not really sure you’re found amongst the student body at Trinity. Black Pudding – In the Navy, how do they separate the boys from the men? With black pudding – I don’t know what sordid answer you had heard. But to go back to the matter at hand, I’d just like you to appreciate the fact that I spent an hour debating whether the present King of France was bald, and this was passed of as a supervision. With an academic. This kind of stuff leaves you with proper trauma. Why do you think I've so consistently written for Trinity’s funniest satirical magazine? Toast – People often speak of the best thing since sliced bread. But just what was the greatest thing since sliced bread? For that matter, what outhouse of history did we have to be in for sliced bread to be an innovation, let alone a great one? Eggs (‘the eggs hall serves at breakfast’) – Pain au Chocolat – You are to the croissant what the engineer is to the mathmo. Don’t take that to heart. Eoin is holding my family hostage. Granola and Yoghurt – What’s white, brown, and costs five times more than you would expect? That’s right: me. You’re me. (Editor’s note – this was Lidija’s idea, in place of an actual article about some ‘mistake’ society) Beans – The Lawyers of breakfast, you do need them sometimes - to help lubricate other items, to smother your enemies, that sort of thing but by themselves? Satan spawn.

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Assorted Fruits – The MMLer of the bunch. What combination will they take this time? A spot of melon and orange? Or perhaps Spanish and Italian? With a year abroad, the world is your oyster. Unless the ‘abroad’ aspect were to have been violated by lockdown. Fruit salads, on the other hand, can be eaten even in self-isolation. Though not in hall – we wouldn’t want to infect anyone with all that Covid that’s very much milling around. Coffee/Tea – It is yet to be determined whether you really are what you claim to be. You’re probably on the Architecture Tripos – it has about as much a claim to be real as that tea has to being tea. Cambridge Juice Company Fruit Juice – You’re very Cambridge, yet somewhat out there. Nobody really wants to spend £1.50 on a bottle of juice to go with their breakfast, and yet it’s quite nice, which is perhaps why everybody does. Travisty is currently investigating whether it is a coincidence or not that these juicy boys appeared in the servers immediately after students returned from lockdown, when college made considerable financial losses. Much like the judge on the Ghislaine Maxwell court case, I am not allowed to publicise my findings. I lived just above the Junior Bursar last year. I may blink twice. Cutlery – What is the meaning of life? Was Sisyphus really happy? How would you know, you’re a fucking spoon. Water – The Children of the Forest have an old saying. There can be no breakfast without water. Sorry, by Children of the Forest I meant people who live in Burrell’s. They’re a weird bunch. Nonetheless, in their eyes, you’re vital. Napkins – If you lived in Victorian England, you would be a chimneysweep. If you lived in Ancient Athens, you would be a catamite. People pull you out of a dispenser like you’re dispensable, and then throw you away after they’ve used you to wipe up their spilled aforementioned item. You are…a fresher.

A Brief History of Travisty It may have been a mistake letting Harry set the every UK school’s History curriculum 1572 The traditional date for the founding of Travisty. At the time, “travisty” is merely an alternative spelling of “travesty”; indeed, English spelling will not be standardised for another 200 years. The earliest known record of Travisty’s existence only dates back to 1603, but 1572 has been used as the date of the first issue since at least the 200th anniversary celebrations. 1667 One of the oldest surviving issues of Travisty includes an article by Isaac Newton entitled [CENSORED – MULTIPLE OBSCENITIES]. At this time, the magazine newspaper only has a single editor and is published termly. 1750 The Travisty Civil War breaks out after a group of writers, led by John Calverley, object to Robert Marsden running for a sixteenth consecutive term as editor. Six writers perish in the Battle of Burrell’s Field, and Marsden is defeated, but the Great Court Sniper, Hazel Ashley, kills Calverley and all his men as they are returning from the battle. Marsden’s editorship is never challenged again.

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1802 After 67 years as Travisty editor, Marsden dies mysteriously during a dinner with the Dean. Various reforms to the constitution are passed after his death, most notably the addition of a second editor to prevent one person from ever accumulating such power again. 1807 Lord Byron writes one of Travisty’s most controversial articles. Entitled “How to find love at Trinity”, it includes frequent references to curfew-breaking and premarital kissing. This so outrages the fellowship that Travisty is banned from publication for a year, and it is only allowed to resume on the condition that an Ethics Editor is appointed. 1829 Alfred Tennyson realises that nothing in the constitution prevents him from running for all of the editorships at once. He wins election to all three posts, assisted by the First Past the Post voting system, which Travisty still used until 1954. The workload proves to be far greater than Tennyson expected, and only two issues are published all year. This marks the beginning of Travisty’s decline. There are sporadic publications over the next decade, but from 1840 onwards Travisty is gradually forgotten. History becomes legend, legend becomes myth, and eventually no-one alive is aware that the great newspaper once existed. 1934 An intrepid team of cavers sets out to discover exactly how far the Trinity wine cellars truly extend. After weeks of exploring, they find an archive of Travisty issues hidden in a large wine chest, 36 miles southwest of Cambridge and 649 metres underground. Travisty is soon brought back from the dead, and in the following years it regains its place as an integral part of Trinity culture. 1954 Various reforms are introduced, including the aforementioned change to the voting system. However, an attempt to amend the constitution to allow women to write for Travisty causes uproar among the fellows, even though this is only a symbolic move since there are no women at Trinity at the time. The change is shelved and the editors are sacked by the Senior Treasurer. 1976 Women are now allowed at Trinity, but Travisty remains male-only because general meetings held to amend the constitution repeatedly fail to reach the quorum of 20 men. It is not until 1983 that women are finally permitted to write for Travisty. 2015 Travisty is beginning to fall apart – literally, as the editors show their appreciation for the work of Henri Matisse by cutting copies up with a guillotine before spreading the pieces out on the table at brunch. No more issues are released for over a year, and it appears that Travisty is in danger of dying once again. 2017 Travisty is brought back to life once more, now under the wing of Magpie and Stump. Not for the first time, the issue numbering is restarted at #1. 2022 After a few too many ethics violations, the Travisty editors are reported to Prevent. The College immediately acts to ensure that the newspaper is wound up permanently and banned from restarting under any name, ending an illustrious 450-year history.

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Magpie and Stump (#AttackAd) Eoin hears tale of a dramatic coup being planned

It’s 11:30pm in the corner of A Staircase, Great Court. A figure comes up to me out of the darkness. “Magpie?” I ask. “Stump”, he replies. Our passwords safely exchanged, “The Stump”, as he wishes to be known, begins to tell me of his plot to overthrow the committee. “These amateurs have been pratting about for too long”, he says. “They haven’t even run a Freshers show yet and it’s Week 6! If I ran it, it would be incredible. I wouldn’t have these nitwits at the helm. They’d crash into the side of the universe if they were left long enough. Firstly, they’re all too old. They probably watch shit like Jeeves and Wooster”. “But”, I ask, “what makes you think you would be much more successful than the current committee?” “My fath-I mean, my last employer told me I was extremely funny, and he’s completely impartial”, The Stump replies. “Besides, it’s a low bar - one of them is in every play in Cambridge except this!” I ask his plans for the future. “Well, I’ve left it a little late - the ACC has already met and these cretins didn’t ask for anything. I’ll have to break into my trust fund if I want any shows to run. As for any overthrowing, well, accidents happen you know. Every weekend some poor sod accidentally brutally cuts their head off while combing their hair. Who would suspect a thing?” And with that, he disappears into the night, leaving me alone with my burning question. What will become of Magpie and Stump? Who knows? Not me - I’m stumped.

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15 Photo credit to Ovidiu Cozma, unsplash.com

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Horoscopes You can’t escape Fate - it’s coming for you (“Fate” being the German for Leo Versteegen) These weeks horoscopes are supported by local businesses. Unfortunately, we could only find sponsors for 6 horoscopes so half of you will have to resort to coffee cup reading, Tarot cards, chart analysis or some other bullshit of your choice. Aries: The air pump (Antlia Pneumatica) is expanding between the rising furnace and the falling sign of the southern mule which suggests that you should seriously stop blowing smoke up your ass. Really, you are not that great. It also suggests that you should buy a new ball pump at Decathlon! You can find them and their wide selection of sports products at Grafton centre. Taurus: Elon Musk (quite an Astro-spacey guy himself) has asked Twitter whether he should sell 20bn worth of Tesla stocks, so now might be a good time to invest in Put-options. It’s certainly always a good time to invest in high quality ingredients for your self-cooked meals – for example Sainsbury’s £6.99 organic chicken medallions – only this week. Gemini: Mercury has passed over you and the sun has set for the last time on your mortal soul. You have deceased. Get great offers on memorial gravestones at “Hibbitt and Sons stonemasons”. Virgo: Chiron establishes a supportive link between Saturn and Sauron. The sun is in equinox with a focused Saturn.

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The wounded healer heals the wounded but for some reason not himself. Lupus confers with the moon which makes him seem a bit like a lunatic. Centaur is going from the third house, to the fourth house, to the fifth house, asking for candy everywhere. Ascending, descending, condescending, equinox, equinox, mergers, acquisitions, intimate unions! Oh my god, I got so excited about all this astrology stuff that I just shit my pants. Luckily, Penguin Dry Cleaners is well equipped to handle this kind of emergency. Located at Mill Rd and Mackenzie their motto is “No stain, no shame!” and they haven’t let me down yet. Scorpio: Venus is rising fast while the beat is dropping. It might be the Adderall you took earlier tonight so you could finish that essay about early-medieval horse dentistry or it might be the cocaine you took half an hour later to have a night out instead. But right here, right now you are convinced it must be the smoking hot blonde in the tight minidress that makes your pulse beat with the dangerous rhythm of a woodpecker hoping to achieve tenure. Is she looking over to you? To your surprise, she seems to find your incapability to form coherent motions or sentences charming. Could this be the one? The next morning you wake up without a wallet, dignity or a left kidney and your only wish is that she’d taken your now aching heart with her as well. Maybe

you’ll have better luck next time at Lola Lo’s Cheeky Tiki? Sign up to the guest list for free admission and numb the pain with Jägerbombs for £1.50. [@Editors: I need your help to make this authentic! Do the youths go to Lola Lo on cheeky tiki night? Do women wear minidresses in clubs? Please, it’s been too long.] (Editors: We can indeed confirm something of the sort) Pisces: Your sign of Northern Pisces is ascending. Normally this would be a good thing for our gilled friends if it weren’t for the fact that Southern Pisces are also ascending at the very same time which can mean only one thing: fish war. They say all war is pointless, but this holds infinitely much more for a war between fish. Their lack of advanced weaponry and limbs means that their only method of physical combat is to pathetically flap their fins against each other. Since fish live under water, they cannot even hurt others emotionally by yelling at them. Secretly, they are happy about this because all fish are cowards ( e v e n s w o r d fi s h ! ) . I n t h e unexpected event of casualties in the war, be sure to check out Itsu’s sushi restaurant for special offers! Cancer: You do not exist Leo: You do not exist Libra: You do not exist Sagittarius: You do not exist Capricorn: You do not exist Aquarius: You do not exist

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