Travisty 23 (#88)

Travisty 


Covid Special FEATURING In Defence of the TwoWaffle Brunch - Matthew Sargent What your Face Mask says about You - Arun Prabhakar Fresh(er) Blood - Lidija Beric

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Letter from the Editors

- And with a bang, a whimper, and a cacophony of hurriedly written stock jokes, Travisty returns! But we open with an apology. Reader, gone are the days of leafing through our lustrous pages over Sunday brunch. No more shall you guffaw through a hash brown (now with herbs!) at the fact that mathmos, St. John’s, and Oxford continue to exist. For Travisty has been

forced to go online! Yes, like that fated year matriculating in 1914, we face trials known to few before us. But we shall come through. Eventually.

Hopefully before the May Ball. In the meantime, join us as we slouch towards comedic grandeur, one pun at a time.

Tell your friends. Tell your family. Or don’t. Whatever you do, just make sure to read on.

Arun Prabhakar is indeed holding two drinks in this photo. When not attending to the famous Trinity Philosophy Society, he can be found waging an ongoing war on journalistic ethics.

Vanessa Tang spent her freshers’ week trying to stick college life back together with duct tape, along with the rest of TCSU, but found time to do a bit of soul-searching and star-gazing.

Andrew Ng has not been misled by studying a real STEM subject into taking a factual approach with his article.

Agnijo Banerjee, now promoted to ethics editor, has taken to feeding the hungry, clothing the homeless, and preaching to the choir; but greatest of all has been his war against the publication in Travisty of illegal thoughts.

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Table of Contents Page 4

Trinity in Pandemic: The Rules of Life

Eoin Walsh has never been seen buying multiple bottles of whisky in the early morning

Eoin Walsh Page 7

Attention Fresh(er) Blood Lidija Beric

Page 9

Matthew Sargent sees himself as a slightly more dodgy Laurence Olivier

What Your Face Mask Says about You Arun Prabhakar

Page 12 In Defence of the Two-Waffle Brunch

Lidija Beric has fled to France for diplomatic reasons

Matthew Sargent Page 15 Alarm at Exponential Rise in Covid Restrictions !

Harry Metrebian

Harry Metrebian is the only contributor wearing a face mask, by the looks of things

Page 16 Caption Competition Page 17 The Death of Democracy in the West Andrew Ng Page 18 Crossword

Christian Owen missed the memo about that pandemic

Agnijo Banerjee, Andrew Slattery Page 19 What it’s Like to Date a Trinmo Vanessa Tang Page 21 An Apology for the Kowloon Walled City Christian Owen Page 23 Letters to the Editors Page 24 Horoscopes Vanessa Tang

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Trinity in Pandemic: The Rules of Life Eoin Walsh single-handedly defeats fake news

It’s a bright cold day in October, and you’re finally standing in Great Court as the clock strikes 13. You’re so happy to finally be back. But unfortunately all is not what it seems. A Wuhan bat soup restaurant had a particularly bad health inspection and now you have to be checked for a fatal virus once a week. One of the things that you have been worrying about is the Trinity Community Statement you were forced at gunpoint advised to sign. It seems very responsible; however, transferring the principles into actual decisions is not trivial, and you’re not sure what you can do or not do around college. You also don’t want to commit thoughtcrime by asking anyone, so here I am to tell you what is and isn’t okay.

Toilets. We’re all in households that revolve around shared facilities such as bathrooms, and for many of us, this is a big worry. There is a simple solution. Pee in your sink.

There’s zero risk of infection (except maybe the UT kind) if you use a toilet no one else can. Furthermore, with bedders not cleaning our rooms, you don’t even have to feel guilty about anyone cleaning up those weird…special yellow anti-bacterial soap stains on your sink. And it’s environmentally friendly! No water wasted with an unnecessary flush. I personally think the most heroic thing you can do this term is piss in your sink, and make sure you pat yourself on the back every time you do.

Showers. With meeting in rooms punishable by death, the Covid-neutral lands of showers are a welcome respite. As Boris has repeatedly told us, the maximum number of people allowed to meet at one time is 6, and a shower is no exception. You might say it’s stupid of me to publicly announce this loophole, but it will make my day if as a result of this, we get an email saying that College Council have officially banned 2 or more people from being in a shower at one time. From the sounds I hear when I’m trying to go to sleep, this loophole will be great news to everyone in Whewell’s, but be sure to use protection, because as Boris has also said, babies are included in the rule of 6.

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Zoom calls. LinkedIn informs me that the quote of the year for 2020 is “you’re on mute”, and it’s fair to say that without Zoom (or MS Teams for you heathens out there), we’d be even more screwed than we are. However unfortunately this is not safe.

Contrary to popular belief, zoom doesn’t just transfer the physical state of the air around you (i.e. your soundwaves), but the chemical state too, which does of course, include infectious particulates. As a result, Zoom is just as bad, if not worse, than faceto-face contact. The only way to get around this is to never be around anyone, digitally, physically or emotionally, and the simple way to remember this is to live like a mathmo.

Work. This is definitely not okay. It has been scientifically proven that stress reduces your immune system’s ability to fight diseases (Segerstrom and Miller, 2006) (why am I citing this? You’re not going to check it. You did? Why? Did you think I was lying? I’m not your ex-girlfriend). During a pandemic, this is an unacceptable risk. As a result, any kind of work that results in genuine stress should be forbidden. Please note that no change in lifestyle is required for humanities students.

Friends and family. Completely unacceptable. Even outside of a pandemic, these are distractions from your academic success, which should always come before anything, even yourself. And during a pandemic, not mixing with friends and family is even more important. This may make you despondent, but don’t worry. Even if you could see your friends and family, they don’t love you anymore. You didn’t make much of an effort to talk to your friends over the summer, did you? Especially in those weeks in July where everyone emerged from hibernation and you had a chance to. Even the people you called your best friends. You know they noticed that. They don’t love you anymore. And you know your family got sick of you after a few weeks. Weren’t they even happier than you when Trinity finally said we could come back? Of course they were. Just think of all the times you complained at your siblings or parents over nothing in the last 6 months. You bloody, stupid waste of space. They’re much happier that you’re gone. They’re probably having a party right now to celebrate. They don’t love you anymore.

Eating in and outside Hall. Surprisingly, this is absolutely fine, because one of the terms of the deal when Trinity bought a 30% share in God back in 1666 was that no kind of plague could reach Nevile’s Court. You know this to be true – why else has Nevile’s not been flooded by the Cam for centuries? And have you ever seen locusts

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there? Certainly there aren’t any rivers of blood in Trinity. However, this is a localised zone. Make sure you say goodbye to your friends before leaving the cloisters, because although you can’t get the virus from being next to hundreds of people all chewing and slurping and laughing, you can get it straight away if you and your friends decide to go back to your room to catch up after 6 months of not seeing each other.

I hope this article goes some way to clearing up any queries you had about life here for probably the next 18 months at least. Don’t worry about not going to formals, or May Balls, or being allowed to meet friends, or being scapegoated and punished by government and colleges for “spreading the disease”. Just be happy you have a great excuse not to go to some dirty basement theatre and watch your friend’s god-awful plays anymore!

Cocktail of the Week The Stressed Editor’s Special INGREDIENTS: - A six pack of Corona - Four shots of vodka (Absolut, preferably) - Tonic water - One slice of lemon

METHOD: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

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Observe the six pack of Corona, and laugh with great mirth as you realise that no, I couldn’t think of a better joke.

Discard the Corona. Honestly.

Drink two shots of vodka. Adjust for taste: four if you’re a big fellow, or mix with tonic if you have a weak stomach.

(Optional) Add a slice of lemon for style.

Now stop drinking and get back to the library, you reprobate.

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Attention Fresh(er) Blood: C*** Virus Measures for TrintErrorSoc Hopefuls Lidija Beric continues to evade arrest via a pun

As already testified by the overwhelming majority of the #LoveLettersToCambridge (see between the lines of the Trinity contributors to Varsity’s series), life at Trinity College would simply not count as truly recommencing without some high-energy input from…you guessed it, TrintErrorSoc. It is therefore with great pleasure that I can announce the only piece of information omitted by ST’s otherwise incredibly detailed, informative and starred-first worthy emails: not only is Cambridge reopening once more this Michaelmas term, but even more importantly, so is TrintErrorSoc. And we have excellent news for you. Our approach to the mutant bat globules currently ravaging the Earth via high-speed air particles, necessitating the use of masks in all public areas, will be akin to the approach taken by a certain duck, spotted like a vision in White, somewhere across the Atlantic. The duck in question seems to be entirely unbothered by the notion of ‘serious pandemic at large’, and, apart from suggesting regular disinfectant injections as a potentially effective mode of pharmakon, is content to continue as normal: sitting happily on its rather large rump, flapping slightly stroppily at birds foreign to its waters, flapping in a very different manner to the more slender-rumped ducks, and occasionally making small tweets that nonetheless garner rather a lot of attention (Attenborough’s series on ‘Ducks that Tweet’ will either air this November, or in another four years). We will ourselves be upholding the practice of regular injections (the greener the substance involved, the more effective is our current mantra, but new ideas are also welcome). However, we will also be deviating slightly from the duck on some counts. This is according to the recommendation of those members currently studying medicine, who have advised us, on careful analysis of some pie charts, that the ‘pandemic at large’ has so far been more deadly than Jack the Ripper and is perhaps even on its way to becoming a serious rival to your very own TrintErrorSoc. We have therefore come up with a set of protective measures for the new academic term, designed to follow our two-pronged approach of ensuring our members feel as safe and as comfortable as possible in these uncertain times and that simultaneously, our own reign can remain unrivalled.

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1. Wearing masks is no longer obligatory As the wearing of masks has historically distinguished our members, in the longestablished tradition of similar associations, we have decided that NOT wearing masks will become our new norm. This is to ensure members can continue to be clearly distinguished.

2. Social distancing will loosely apply to armed members.

Although this particular rule will not be strictly enforced, it is recommended to all members to remain at least 10 metres from other members if, and only if, they are known to be carrying weapons. The rule will not apply to non-members.

3. Voting RON in the elections for the TrintErrorSoc Committee (i.e. the role of Presidente) for the academic year 2020-2021 will be banned and severely punished. This is motivated by the desire to show some sensitivity to our incoming snowfall: in a rather unprecedented set of circumstances, some now find that particular combination of letters immensely triggering.

4. The practice of keeping hand gel about one’s person will henceforth be strictly imposed. Now more than ever, it is crucial that we leave no traces of our presence in any of our target areas. Let others think you’re just overly concerned about that batty pandemic on the loose. We’ll all know that you’re actually just wiping away those pesky fingerprints that almost got our society banned with our last group of AB positive fresher intake…

Our Protective Policy of Errors (PPE) will of course be subject to change according to changes in government guidelines and ST emails. For now though, Freshers, ensure the above has been thoroughly revised, ready for your first initiation test (CW: cross-contamination). And finally, to all those who wrote to us with their concerns that our activities might be somewhat reduced in the current circumstances, I sincerely hope this formal policy update has calmed your fears once and for all. Rest assured, we will beat this pandemic.

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What Your Face Mask says about You Arun Prabhakar happily alienates 90% of his readership

Humans are sociable animals. Well, I’m not going to comment on myself, but experts say the rest of you lot are. And apparently we thrive on looking at each other’s faces, and expressions, and emotions and all that. Now as you know, somebody in Wuhan really wanted some bat soup, and now we can no longer see each other’s faces.

But fear not! Travisty’s Research Unit for Evidence has compiled this handy guide to tell you everything about anyone just by looking at their face mask.

Pack-o’-three from Sainsbury’s/Equivalent, lightly patterned - I don’t want to put it too strongly, I really don’t. I’ll say this. You enjoy a spot of Friday Fez; you feel no qualms about buying £15 litres of Vodka from the same place you got your face masks, and you have probably at some point brought one to lectures. Your Gardies visits are lacking in irony, Van of Life even more so, and you occasionally pop into Neon Sheep. But worry not. If you think you’ve cocked things up, read on to see how everyone else has done so just as badly, for quadruple the cost.

Moderately Patterned, Cotton-or-Below, from a Mid-Level Shop - Renegade.

Fashionista. Trendsetter. All of these words don’t spring to mind when people think of you. Still, it’s difficult to go wrong with these, unless you’re the sort of person who thinks Dom Pérignon and caviar counts as a quiet night in. You won’t stand out from the crowd, but do you really want to? You, the bearer of these masks, say no. No to making a statement out of every bloody thing you do. No to the pitfalls that are every other item on this list, if I’m to be believed. All round, one of the best options.

Bandana Face Mask, Independent Seller - You, on the other hand, very much are a renegade. With this bandana-scarf-thing wrapped around your chin minor and neck major, you look like a cross between a mildly affluent thug and somebody who watches just a bit too much anime. You will indeed stand out from the crowd, if only because you’ve been arrested on suspicion of belonging to a Chinese Triad (“He just

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looked funny, guv, know what I mean?”), but we all have our crosses to bear, don’t we?

Balaclava - Not to be confused with the altogether more innocuous Middle Eastern pastry, this option really will make a statement. That statement may be ‘Quick, run!’, or something involving Gerry Adams, but a statement is a statement nonetheless. Like the statement the porters will make when you walk through their very own lodge wearing a balaclava: ‘We’re calling the police’. And as you’re being frogmarched out of Great Gate and down Trinity Street to somewhere you’ll be somebody else’s problem - say, King’s Parade (bonus points for not using John’s yet again - ed.) -, you may find yourself wondering whether you wouldn’t have been better off opting for a different sort of face mask. Thus while it is not an easy call to make, I can tell you, lecteur, that Travisty’s Worst Face Mask of the Term Michaelmas 2020 is the balaclava.

Ryder & Amies Trinity Face Mask - You absolute wanker Stylishly Styled Silk Face Mask, Independent Seller on Etsy - Here’s where things get really interesting. You either care about aesthetics enough, or had enough spare time over the summer, that you braved the depths of page-8 search results, endured the torment of thinking you had pinned down ‘the one’ only to find that it would cost £24.99 for delivery from lesser Shittington, U.S.A. and began the whole trying process again, until you finally found it. Your face mask. Then you realise it doesn’t go with your shirt, so you buy four other ones. Good on you.

Liberty London Printed Mask - Well, look at you! I am led to believe that the Liberty print is something of a hit in your circles. You didn’t want to spend all too much because the Paris house is in dire need of repairs, and, speaking of pairs, darling little Clytemnestra needs a new Au Pair. So you settled on £40 for a set of five. It’s charity, really.

A Liberating Face Enhancement from The Radical Tea Towel Company Sporting an accessory, nay, a statement from a company that trumpets its affiliation with feminist causes and black heroes, you stride strongly and independently into King’s (you’re at King’s), fixing the porters with a firm look in the eye that tells them they don’t need to ID you - they can’t ID you. That would be oppressive, mmm-hmm? With designs ranging from William Morris to, well, William Morris, you’re sure to cut a stunningly brave figure down at Mill Lane, up occupying the Old Schools, or wherever

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the damn hell you please, because you don’t need anyone telling you where you spend your time. Amidst all the incredibleness creeps in the nagging feeling that you have never seen a member of the underclasses in your life, and that this £12.50 piece of cloth was bankrolled by Daddy dearest himself. Still, your views are wholly your own, and no one can take that from you.

Charles Tyrwhitt 2-in-1 Silk Face Mask and Pocket Square - You think you’re a pretty good chap, and on balance you are. Don’t, however, underestimate the fact that of all the shops in the world, you chose to buy your face mask from Charles Tyrhwhitt.

Sophisticated, yes, a cut above the normal high street affair. But just - one gets just the slightest impression - just a bit too obvious. You’ve outgrown Next; Moss is too hipster, so where do you go? That’s right, Charles Twatters. Let’s be honest: you most likely went to a middling private school and are a bit of a social climber, slightly more assured of your standing in life than it is of you. In a word, bougie - but close.

Cotton Face Mask from Hackett & Co. or some such place - It’s not wholly clear what you’re getting at here. Evidently you’re a man (or woman) of some endowment, because you shop at Hackett & Co. or some such place. However, all that you’ve really achieved here is buying a perfectly common cotton mask for a few pounds extra. We could almost believe there was a reason you were spending triple figures on most of your items of clothing, something in the way of quality or class, but now it seems you’re just Larping. Doth your eye really discern? Spend your money truly well?

No, you just want to seem sophistiqué.

Silk Paisley Face Mask from a Silk Shop called Serafine Silk I keep getting adverts for on Facebook - Things are pretty clear from the outset with this one.

These silky buggers are exquisitely designed, but at €62 a pop, you’re paying for what you’re getting, and then some. Yet nobody can deny the peerless class of handmade Italian silk. If such things really are your calling in life, then I can only cheer you on, if from a distance. Readers may wish to note that Travisty at present is not in a relation of sponsorship with Serafine Silk, but if they wish to channel some of their evidently large income into a charitable cause, they would be more than welcome to do so.

Tailor-Made Super 160s Wool Visage Coveráge from Ede and Ravenscroft Just don’t talk to me ok

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In Defence of the Two-Waffle Brunch Matthew Sargent comes clean

Ladies and gentlemen, the past few weeks have not been easy. I have barely managed to get one good night’s sleep, ghastly and nightmarish forms populate my dreams. I have been off my food. Drink, on the other hand… My bottle is my one true friend, my only stalwart companion. And yet, even in the throes of my dipsomania, I am not oblivious to the disapproving words and glances of those around me. I have been defamed, vilified, been made the subject of scurrilous rumours and malicious gossip. My escutcheon has been besmirched, my family’s name dragged through the mud, my own fine reputation brought into disrepute – and for what reason? – because some of my honoured peers value groundless tittle-tattle more than the lifetime of faithful and devoted service I’ve given to this country of ours. I have been brought low by calumny, by slanderous libel, by outright viciousness. People cross the road in front of me, as if I’m some bad smell. Is that what you have before you, ladies and gentlemen – a bad smell? Actually, don’t answer that… I can’t help my present slovenliness – forgive this sartorial disarray – it’s just that, as soon as these vulgar stories started circulating, I was made to leave home. Yes, I was tossed out, left to fend for myself. Nor was my offence, in the eyes of any reasonable person, an especially heinous one. I merely ate two waffles in the course of a single brunch.

I won’t make a secret of the fact that I was under particular stress at this time. I had just finished a run of shows. Treading the floorboards night after night isn’t easy. I indulged, yes, I admit it, it was an extravagance, this having of two waffles. But can you, learned members of the jury, honestly say you would have acted differently in my position? I merely gave into the most immediate form of satisfaction available to me.

Yes, gluttony is a sin. But does not Paul urge us to glorify the Lord with our bodies? Had I not eaten those two waffles that exact same brunch, I daresay I would’ve expired then and there, from sheer and utter exhaustion, from sugar deprivation. What good would glorification be, then?

So, yes, I was at a low point, I might not have been on my best behaviour. But it was, I assure you, cruel necessity that drove me to it. I appeal to you, as friends, and as

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human beings. Are we not to be shown leniency for a misdemeanour we commit in a moment of madness? Are all our previous endeavours and good deeds to be forgotten at the drop of a hat, though we have toiled and laboured so valiantly, so tirelessly, in the discharging of our duties, and in the execution of our responsibilities? Mine might not have been the most respectable course of action, admittedly. But let us not focus on what waffle consumption does to a person, but for them. The waffle is a beacon of light amidst the darkness, a symbol of hope in an otherwise dreary and depressing world.

When I’ve eaten a waffle, I know that I have the strength to get through the next two weeks, to survive until the next brunch when there’ll be waffles in the servery. Nor is it a mere confidence booster. It is a source of profound consolation. Consolation for what, you might ask? Well, believe me when I say that knowing there are waffles awaiting me at brunch, doesn’t just brighten up my day, it makes all the hard work, all the fretting over submissions and supervisions worth it!

We all have our peccadilloes. It just so happens that mine is slightly more unusual than everyone else’s. But does that make it more morally reprehensible? Not a whit.

Boys will be boys, my late father used to say. Never has his advice been more appropriate, I think; in fact, those four words keep repeating themselves in my head, over and over again. The noise is almost deafening. I only wish that you, too, could hear what I now hear – my late father preaching that age-old message of forgiveness and clemency. Would that you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, followed his compassionate example and forgave my misdeed. And you know what they say about reformed criminals. Once on the straight and narrow, always on the straight and narrow. To be acquitted today would be to receive back my life, to be given an opportunity of starting afresh, of correcting my former, dissolute ways.

I’ll be a new man, I’ll give to charity, I’ll adopt children – three – no, four! – no, five!! No more will people sneer at me as they walk down the street. Rather, they’ll say “look at that nice family over there, aren’t they all so happy together. And to think he was once a serial waffle-eater…” Ah, I exaggerate. But, seriously, it’s not even as if I made a regular thing of this eating vast numbers of waffles. I only did it a couple of times. But, then again, my enemies would accuse me of such excesses – it’s in their interest to do so – the filthy, rotten liars. Oh, forgive this outburst, I feel quite overwhelmed – not just by the magnitude of this moment, and the need for a fair verdict, a just verdict – but also the hurtful, indeed despicable, accusations that have been hurled at me since these proceedings began. I did not think the esteemed witnesses for the prosecution capable of such foul and contemptible perjuries. All I can do now, however, is hope and pray - pray that this criminal justice system of ours will live up to

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its reputation, and will not let me down in this my hour of need.

To condemn me today, members of the jury, would not just be to set the western world on an inevitable path toward internecine strife and the destruction of civilisation as we know it, but it will also surely bring about the transmutation of the very values and standards of behaviour that we have worked so diligently to uphold. ______________________________________________________________________

One Liners - Top tips for surviving lockdown Harry - Keep three days’ worth of non-perishable food in your room.

Vanessa - Write more one-liners.* Arun - Check RT regularly for updates on a new vaccine.

Eoin - Don’t drink the water from your tap.

Agnijo - Live the life of a mathmo.

Matthew - Eat more carbohydrates.* Christian - Take up a new hobby. Popular options include crochet, misanthropy, and questioning your life choices.

Andrew - Lube Lidija - Don’t

[Note: Starred items are what the contributors in question most likely would have said had they replied to my email.]

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Alarm at Exponential Rise in Covid Restrictions Harry Metrebian adds a dash of creativity to his statistics

Students at Trinity have expressed their concern at the recent surge in the number of Covid-19 restrictions imposed by the College. According to the latest official data, there are currently 159 rules in place, more than double last week’s figure of 72, and mathematics fellows have estimated that the R value is between 1.8 and 2.1, indicating an exponential rise in restrictions.

In particular, the new rule that no student will be allowed within 2 metres of another student’s room has caused consternation. “My door is less than 2 metres from my neighbour’s,” an occupant of New Court told us. “How am I supposed to leave my room? Go out onto the roof and climb down?” Students have also reacted angrily to the advice that they must disinfect their food before eating it. In the words of one fresher, “We might as well just drink bleach and inject Dettol.”

If the rise in restrictions continues unabated, students may soon be banned from using the bathroom, or be required to wear a face mask while eating. In a letter to the College Council, TCSU has urged the College to take action immediately in order to avoid this scenario and ensure that the health of its students is not endangered.

However, the College has not shown any signs of backing down, insisting that the regulations are necessary to protect the jobs of the Porters who are tasked with enforcing them. A senior member of College staff has floated the possibility of a twoweek “circuit-breaker” during which no new restrictions would be introduced, but it is inevitable that the exponential increase would soon resume.

With the situation likely to become even more serious over the coming days, the TCSU committee are planning to organise a protest, encouraging students to break some of the most stringent rules. As one committee member told us: “The Porters can’t possibly catch us all, and even if they did, they’d be breaking the College rules themselves by entering other people’s households. Everyone else in this country is allowed to have a chat with their friends outside without wearing full PPE – why can’t we?”

[Note: Travisty does not endorse such reckless, reprobate behaviour as not wearing full PPE where required. We trust our readers will understand comedic licence.]

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Caption Competition

Email your captions to travistytrinity@gmail.com The best suggestion will win a mystery prize!

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The Death of Democracy in the West Andrew Ng provides some astute political commentary

Each day I wake up with a heavy heart, barely able to contain my tears as I survey a United Kingdom no longer worthy of the title Great Britain. How could it come to this, I silently wonder to myself, when large swathes of the population willingly give up their hard-won freedoms just because the government says so? Why should we have to wear masks against our will? Last I checked, England was a free country! Certainly we wouldn’t have such AUTHORITARIAN measures shoved down our throats. What is this, Nazi Russia?! It is an infringement of our human rights! Not only do they fail to prevent the spread of this virus, but we also can’t breathe in through them. It should be our choice whether we wear a mask, not for the elitist bureaucrats in Parliament to decide on our behalf, and it is discriminatory for a business to refuse entry to a potential customer based solely on the fact that they aren’t wearing a mask. How can anyone fail to see the obvious parallels to the Apartheid regime?

Believe me, I know. I have black friends. Those of you who bow to their authority have walked right into their trap. They’re just testing the limits of how far they can go without any of you weaklings resisting.

These undemocratic lockdowns are further proof that any government regulation is bad for the country. Banning the socialising of people drives an invisible wedge between friends and family, and wearing a mask similarly promotes the disunity and mistrust between citizens as the human element of social interaction has been totally eliminated. All this because of some random disease with a <1% mortality rate? The numbers are so greatly inflated just to fool you idiots. Way more people die of the flu every year but no one panics and sends the country into recession because of that. It also means that children are at much greater risk of being kidnapped and trafficked, since it is much more difficult to detect anomalies in children whose faces are covered. The government is clearly run by pedophiles.

Won’t someone think of the children?

Frankly, I’ve said enough. If you sheeple won’t do your own research at this point, after I’ve pointed out everything wrong with the current state we find ourselves in, you’re completely stupid and deserve whatever you get. WAKE UP!!!

- A very concerned patriot The views expressed in this article solely represent those of the author, and not of Travisty. Travisty bears no responsibility for actions taken by readers as a result of reading this piece.

[Editor’s note: the author calmed down substantially after being given a pacifier and an episode of Peppa Pig to watch.]

Obituary: Dave Williams, author of the above

It is with great difficulty that Dave’s widow pretended to mourn his passing due to coronavirus related complications, as he was totally insufferable, even going so far as penning an article to the widely read and well respected magazine Travisty about his ideas. He is survived by a wife and a young child. May everyone around him finally have some peace.

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Crossword Agnijo Banerjee gives words a second dimension. Helped by Andrew Slattery

Think You’ve Solved It? Email travistytrinity@gmail.com by 11:59pm on Sunday 18th October with your answers, and you could win a piece of fudge!

Last week’s winner: [N/A for epidemiological reasons]

3 - A tourist in Cornwall met me, strangely (5) 4 - Freeze up firm, large chain (5) 5 - Epic tales can be read either way (5) 6 - Weasels out of term in Essen (7) 7 - Remains of mangled, beheaded clerics (6) 8 - Unknown pointer to plant (6) 12 - Commit another evil to obtain this from tree (5) 13 - Evil cook is reportedly telling the truth (7) 16 - Note played by small instrument (5) 17 - It's part of the job, so let Edmund be no longer employed (8) 18 - Gave up a terrible sin - greed (8) 19 - Is it me somehow starting every list? (7) 20 - The Economist's clue for NEXUS: "Crossroad, four exits” (6) 21 - False revolution discussed by figures in square (6) 23 - Draws back up to speed (5) 24 - President has a constant argument (5) 25 - Compound formed by chopping trees (5)

Across 1 - Have whole film set in drunk, endless ecstasy (9) 6 - Count variable before time (5) 9 - Plans to play chess with me (7) 10 - Player who wins back pounds (7) 11 - Scotland sorts messy hindrance (9) 14 - Can cook hot part of snack (5) 15 - Being 13 touring eastern loch (11) 19 - Prime Minister's story is mixed up (11) 22 - Slowly release chlorine out from bar (5) 23 - Sprinkle on one sausage (9) 26 - Left nothing in one bin after micro metal (7) 27 - Peeping Tom's routine cycle (7) 28 - Cheek dressing? (5) 29 - He parades curious initiate (9) Down 1 - Fish instrument? (8) 2 - Doctor Bauerschmidt - amid strikes, he's composed (8)

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Calling all Freshers: Support the College and Earn a No-Visitor Rule Exemption Vanessa Tang looks to love in the time of Covid Dear Freshers,

Well done for getting into Trinity.

By now, hopefully, you have been fully integrated into Trinity culture. In doing so, you must have recognised the antagonism between the two distinctive subgroups of Trinity—the Trinmo- Non-Trinmo divide. Indeed, the cultural, social, and economic distinctions between both groups can be so polarising that some may argue that there are in fact two distinct Trinity cultures. For centuries, romance has been used as a tool by members of the student body to bridge the gap and prevent the total breakdown of college unity. Now, in a time of heightened adversity, college unity is more important than ever. The Dean has therefore provided no-visitor rule exemptions for those who are brave enough to make the ultimate sacrifice. Ask not what the college can do for you, ask what you can do for the college.

Dating a Trinmo is not for everyone. It is probably not for most people. But, if you have a taste for the quiet life—as in whispering, tumbleweed, tranquillity—or are looking for a way to acclimatise yourself to indoor life before the next lockdown—the natural habitat of the Trinmo is their room—please give this scheme some consideration.

The Trinmo is a unique and elusive creature. But this article promises to give some tips and tricks in catching one. If this process is too difficult- considering downgrading to a traditional mathmo.

- Before the age of Corona, Trinmos would descend upon Hall at 12. Now, you may have to travel to the CMS. As winter approaches, College will reimburse those who have made the trek with money off your bill.

- In terms of conversation, just tell them how much harder maths is than your

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course. You’ve just taken your shot. If they aren’t in love with you, their loss— try the next one.

- If you need to make hints, Camfess, Crushbridge, or Trinity Compliments is a good place to start. It is true that a genuine Trinmo should not have social media. However, unless you want to make the trip to Burrells (the right answer to this is no), consider starting with a lower tier Trinmo. If requested, the College can distribute the names of all those taking the Mathematical Tripos. It is advised to create a broad base of appeal by using the most applicable initials. Messages should be straight-forward and clear. Those with more time, less dignity, and less friends on Facebook could consider using mathematical references.

Good luck to all participants in this scheme. Please contact College staff for any further advice.

Think you can do better than us?

You probably can!

Why not come to our next writing group? Like our Facebook page, or email us at travistytrinity@gmail.com to subscribe to our mailing list. Or just send us an article with no warning! We’ll take anything.

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#23

An Apology for the Kowloon Walled City Christian Owen single-handedly solves the housing crisis

It seems like every day when you turn on the news, there’s a depressing new story.

The climate crisis. The housing crisis. The problem of police brutality. Well, fear not.

To solve the problems of the West, we must look East.

The solution is to in Hong Kong, in a delightful place called the Kowloon Walled City. The Kowloon Walled City was an enclave in Hong Kong, which – before it was tragically demolished in 1994 – was the most densely populated place on Earth.

Now there’s a lot of propaganda from those who simply don’t understand the genius of Kowloon. If you key it into Google you find all sorts of people using completely unfair words like ‘lawless’, ‘squalid’, ‘hellhole’ and ‘terrifying.’ But today I’m going to convince you that the Kowloon Walled City is, in fact, an example of a perfect society.

First, the housing crisis. No more rent, no more saving up for a mortgage. In the Kowloon Walled City, if you want a house, you just…build one. Freed from the tyranny of Evil Big Government (h/t: Ayn Rand), you don’t need to worry about all that tiresome stuff like planning regulations, building control, or functioning plumbing. You won’t have to worry about paying tax, either, except possibly a small contribution to the local Triads for ‘protection.’ But honestly, how is that really any different from contents insurance?

A vision of the good society

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Next up, the environment. David Attenborough tells us that the world’s population is too large and that we are exhausting natural resources and taking up too much space.

So let’s give nature the breathing room she needs. The population density of the Kowloon Walled City was 5 million per square mile. If you assume a global population of 7 billion, this means that everyone in the world can comfortably be housed in a Kowloon-style complex the size of Kent, with room to spare. Job done – and the rest of the world can be covered in trees and other carbon-dioxide-eating things. We probably shouldn’t actually put it in Kent, though, because that’s where the Archbishop of Canterbury lives.

As for police brutality? Well, the ‘ACAB’ crowd will be happy, because for the history of the Kowloon Walled City there were no police. Mainly because they were too scared to go in there. But this meant that no one collected any crime statistics - so we can conclude that there must in fact have been no crime of any kind. What’s not to like?

Even the coronavirus wouldn’t have been a big problem. Sure, you might think that the virus would spread pretty fast in such a densely-populated place – but here’s the thing. Because there’s no natural light on the streets, there is no point in going outside, so you might as well self-isolate. (Also it’s probably safer if you don’t leave your flat even at the best of times). And if you do get ill, the absence of all medical licensing means you’ll never have waiting times at the doctor’s, because there is a doctor on every street.

All of them, of course, properly qualified. Just avoid the chap who prescribes you the bat soup. It won’t do any good.

Let’s get a Change.org petition going or something. Bring back Kowloon!

It’s prettier than the Wolfson building at any rate

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Letters to the Editors These may or may not be real Dear Mr. and Mrs. Editors,

I couldn’t help but notice your so-called ‘satirical’ so-called ‘newspaper’ was not spread out at Sunday brunch this morning. This is absolutely disgraceful. In times of such radical upheaval we need an anchor in our lives. Care you to explain yourselves?

Disgusted, Tunbridge Wells.

Well, Mr/Mrs/Ms+ Wells, I’m glad you asked. You see we’ve had a lot of fun in this issue, but when the meat hits the chopping board, we at Travisty really do take Covid seriously. And we thought distributing paper copies of Trinity’s most popular paper item would just be irresponsible.

I hope this relieves your disgust.

To whom it may damn well concern,

I could not but prevent myself from apprehending that your alleged ‘magazine’ for ‘Trinity College Cambridge’ really did overstep the line with these lockdown jokes. An exponential rise in Covid restrictions?

And what’s going on with the first sentence of your very first article?

Unlike everything else, Covid and its related measures lie firmly beyond the

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remit of your thus-appellêd ‘jokes’.

You are personally responsible for the second wave.

Appalled, Wunbridge Tells.

matter to a Deleuzeo-Guttarian analysis with post-dialectical overtones, I think we will find that… no, you’re still correct.

Xr/Xrs/Xs Tells: you make a good point indeed. The cat has escaped the bag; the toothpaste has emerged from its tubey home. Travisty cares not one jot for Covid. You are correct that it, along with your complaint, has no place being satirised in our respectable publication.

What did the Cambridge student say to the person sticking unwanted objects in his mouth?

A Trinmo, and Asnac, and a CompSci walk into a bar…

-wait, I know this one!

To whom it may concern,

I observed that your writers on multiple occasions made reference to a certain ‘Wuhan bat soup’. In fact the coronavirus (COVID-19) was not caused by such a concoction but was instead manufactured in a laboratory.

Mr. Pemberton CrosswordSmythe

Mr. Smythe, your complaint is legitimate.

However, if we subject the

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“You’re really testing me…”

Most esteemed editorshipnesses,

I have been an admirer of Travisty for a long time, from a distance. I have always wanted to get involved, but I never thought I was quite up to it. After all, to match such heights, such positive *zeniths* of humour… a Herculean task indeed.

But I’m overcoming my fears; breaking down my barriers. My dearest editors, I ask: how may I write for Travisty?

Simple, my dear chap.

Just send us an email! With your article attached, preferably, but we take what we can get.

Alternatively, you could come to one of our writing groups: follow us on Facebook, or email travistytrinity@gmail.com to subscribe to our mailing list, and we’ll tell you all about it.

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Horoscopes Vanessa Tang spent so long looking at the stars she fell backwards into a well. Or was that somebody else?

Capricorn You should’ve known. Everyone tried to tell you. Not with words of course, but didn’t you see it in their eyes? It’s too late now…

You’ve already debuted your new uni wardrobe for a few weeks.

Aquarius This year is going to be a journey for you. Lots of ups and downs. Meanders. Like a trip down the river Nile. Maybe you shouldn’t have pretended to be sick every swimming lesson.

Hopefully you’ve consumed enough in lockdown to keep you buoyant - or will you float?

Taurus They’re after you. The government, that is. They know what you’ve been doing every night. You think they’re a bit busy right now- you’re wrong.

They’re working with the BBC. Your downfall is imminent. The red letter is the beginning of the chase.

Gemini Everyone’s been talking about you all year. Your initials have been on Camfess once. Does it get tiring being Cambridge’s biggest catch?

Pisces New term, new you! This is what you should say when they ask about all those things you said you were going to do first week of lockdown. Time for a new slate.

Cancer Should you say goodbye?

Should you wish them well?

When is it time to cut communication and move on?

In my professional opinion, a ‘best wishes’ always suffices when communicating with a supervisor.

Aries You haven’t seen the light of day all summer. Now, you’re too scared to go outside between the hours of 10 and 2. Don’t worry, it will become darker earlier. There is hope.

Leo You can’t hold it in any longer. It’s almost painful.

You’re going red. But, we all believe in you. Some of us even respect you! You can hold in that cough in the library. If you

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can’t, they’ll have to take you away…

Virgo Well done! You’re on fire!

Maybe you should have thought twice before tried to fry an egg without supervision.

Libra You were diagnosed with internet addiction at the tender age of nine. Now, your suffering has been vindicated. This is your time to shine. Nothing prepares you for Zoom like Omegle. Nothing prepares you for life like Omegle. Expect the unexpected. Will there ever be an adequate government response to Corona virus?

Nobody knows, but you’re probably the only one thriving in uncertainty.

Scorpio Mercury is in retrograde! This term, the other optical illusion taking place is your smile.

Sagittarius Do it next week. No, do it tomorrow. You know what, it’s not my problem…

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